This Week in Milford

September 4, 2019

So You’re Telling Me There’s a Chance

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How can the bonfire be annual if we haven’t seen it in four years? Oh yeah – the good ol’ tell, don’t show. Young Jerry Lewis seems unfazed as he flashes a jazz hand and prepares to follow the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate Flaming Fist of Fury to Oakwood.

Speaking of things that haven’t been seen in a while: when was the last time you saw a football player wearing long sleeves? Must be getting cold early in Oakwood. Chance Macy has “broken loose” but he’s surrounded by three Oaks Owls, one of whom is on an immediate collision course with him. Looks like those knees might get tangled up, leading to a call to Trainer Rick Scott and an opening for Charlie “Ruh” Roh to step up, make an impact, and help stepdad Chet Ballard forget his weak showing against Hadley V. Baxendale. Wait, Tiki Jansen’s still on the team? Forget that last bit, then.

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January 31, 2019

“I Know I Have The Receipt For That 130-Foot Ladder From True Value Hardware Somewhere.”

Filed under: Cops, Just plain sad, Lens Flare, Milford Idiots, Swifti Mart — tdrewhardin @ 3:22 pm

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Well, well, boys will be boys, The Sequel. Oh, I’ll get to my Sopranos Moment in a moment, but I’m still basking in the cherubic glow emanating from Mr.Clean’s brother and his subsequent catching them in the act. Switching from Pine-Sol indeed nabs more miscreants.

P3 is really interesting. The consolation prize to this whole farce is that we know now beyond a reasonable doubt that Thorpiverse is adept at drawing spray paint cans. And didn’t have  to paint by numbers this go-round.

Peace of mind in my pocket aside, what’s going to happen in P4? Because if it WERE The Sopranos, they’d be shooting back, no questions asked. Just typical war with the cops after they were witnessed attempting to ditch R/Bobby’s corpse in the woods and are now trying to save face.

But this ISN’T The Sopranos, NOW what are the greenhorns going to do? Shoot back with Krylon? Wonder where they store the ammo? In the Milford Dairy 2% Gallon jug? Boy, that’d be an interesting police report.

At the Milford Detention Center

“So what are you in for?”

“Got busted for resisting arrest with Benjamin Moore.”

Really, Kurt from “American Graffiti” can brag to the Pharaohs on that score.

“Okay, rookie, you gotta spray his police scanner but you gotta wait ’til he calls his mom collect for Valentine’s Day. Look for my cue. You pull it off, we’ll make you a Pharaoh yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The greenhorns will learn the same thing The Sopranos and The Pharaohs learned. Bring a hefty wallet full of cash to the Milford Precinct Office (Ben’s, no George’s) , to eliminate odor at the source, then get better lawyers in case some rookie cop catches them doing a Crayola job on the tinted windows of Gil’s ‘vette.

“But, Your Honor, there WERE doing an art project. They were mixing red crayons with the blue windows and called the whole thing ‘Purple Haze’. Scored an ‘A’ and won 1st Prize at the County Fair Albrecht Durer’s Wood Cuts of ‘The Hanseatic League in Milford’.”

Really, isn’t that better than getting caught literally red-handed by Mr. Clean trying to impress the camera with his hair slicked back by Vidal Sassoon?? Isn’t it??

 

 

P2-11:03 P.M. It was raining pentagons by the time Gannon pulled in. It was fortunate Gannon went to Pep Boys to change the wiper blades. The SWAT team had their Uzi’s ready under their ponchos.

 

P1-Before the Pentagon Meteor Shower douses Milford, Random Hood has this to say

“C’mon, Guys, I’ve got an idea. I saw an ad where Swifti Mart was running a BOGO on 130-foot step-ladders. If we hurry, we’ll make it before 12 when they close. And they have free installation. Fellow Hood, could you move your spare tire out of the trunk?”

 

At Marty’s Place in WDIG Studios

“Okay, fans, my next guest is a famous commentator who reportedly has a true disdain for Gil and his Modus Operandi. His occasional derring-do is just right to join in the fight Gil, killing Gil softly with his song. A man who needs no introduction, Mr. Paul Harvey.”

“Thank you, Marty. Did you know…more Americans read Gil Thorp than…Nancy & Sluggo…The Ryatts…Rose is Rose…Mother Goose & Grimm…Rivets…Bringing Up Father…Prince Valiant……………………………………………………………………………..combined?

Gil’s popularity has just torn the roof……………………………………………..off his house. His name is mentioned……………………in the same breath…………………………..with Matthew, Mark………………………………………..Luke………………………………..John…………………………………………………………..The Book of Acts…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..even The Book of Mormon…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

My land, Gil even has his own Dial-a-Prayer line. When the angel Moroni came into his office bathroom and told him to write down the rest of the plates to finish the message Joseph E. Smith left behind to complete The Book of Mormon, Gil asked if he could wipe first and the angel Moroni handed him a Prayer Cloth personally autographed by Jehovah himself…”

“PAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re supposed to be criticizing Gil, not EXALTING him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Sorry, Marty, I got carried away. Somebody slipped a 3 x 5 of Gil in my wallet from Milford Photography right before we got on the air and, honestly, I was enamored with his hairline. He won’t be needing Rogaine in the next 2 centuries. And I never liked Nancy & Sluggo. Too corny. It’s like Aunt Fritzi, Lulu, Roy Clark, Buck Owens, Grandpa Jones, the cartoon donkey all singing ‘Rose Garden’ on Hee Haw with the Lawrence Welk backup singers accompanying them.”

 

At a random time on Hee Haw in a fake corn patch with a bit of the plywood showing through a corn stalk with Lulu, Grandpa Jones, Gomer Pyle, Archie Campbell, Floyd the Barber, Otis the Drunk’s grandmother, Roy Clark, Buck Owens, AND Aunt Fritzi as the guest star along with Hank Snow, Jeff Foxworthy, and Tom T. Hall

Aunt Fritzi: “Lulu, you know why Coach Thorp stopped by Jiffy Lube?”

Lulu: “No, I don’t. Why?”

Aunt Fritzi: “Gil needed an oil change on his hair.”

Lulu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

All this trouble could have been avoided with Mr. Clean and Charlie’s Angels if our hoods had taken a different tack. Why not borrow Rosie the Robot Maid from The Jetson’s and use her to procure much-needed titanium (damn it, she’s a robot, she KNOWS these things) to build Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles (ICBM’s) in a random hood’s garage? Should the Milford Police stage a raid, they can always leave Rosie the Robot Maid as the fall guy, not to mention use The Soprano’s lawyer to bail ’em out. The lawyer can work out a deal with the judge. If the judge will sentence them to a wrist-slapping 1 year’s worth of Probation, they’ll dismantle, with the aid of Rosie the Robot Maid, the whole shebang into Tinker Toys.

Thanks to Sarcastic Jack for help with the above comedy idea.

 

While Marty is sleeping in the booth, Paul Harvey prates, proving Marty doesn’t need Sominex

“More Americans prefer to read a plot that makes sense, according to a recent study. The Gallup Polls reveal that 61% of the people like to sit down at the dinner table and discuss the day’s events, hoping, for example, that the bathtub ring doesn’t linger for 3-4 months. And they won’t need Windex to remove the stains.

Page 2

Basketball!!!!!!! That winter sport that Mr. Naismith invented is regaining popularity. So much so that they’re rioting in the streets of Milford for its return to the gym. The Milford Enquirer reports that glass was shattered, the floor was ripped up, graffiti was spray-painted on the bleachers, and the south wall has a huge gash on it after someone shot a bazooka at it. They’re mad as honeydew in Mudlarkland, I’m telling you.

Milford City Maintenance estimates that repairs will run in the millions. And speaking of repairs, your Milford True Value Hardware store is running a fire sale on tools this week. A 3-piece Adjustable Wrench Set, $24.99 at Staples is a bargain at $6.99. Perfect for screwing the flotation device back in the toilets in the locker room commodes. A 30” 4 Drawer Cart, 580-lb. capacity, sells for a ridiculous $107.99. Just don’t let Lulu use it as a bean bag chair and you won’t void the warranty. And did I mention that a 125-Amp Flux-Core Welder is yours for only $99.99? Now the construction crew can fuse  the basketball goals back on the backboard in the ‘B’ gym. Folks, without True Value Hardware to call off the Riot Squad, the gym wouldf resemble the Roman Colosseum. But Joe Tourist isn’t interested in free throw lines with “Gil shot his wad” written on them so stop by your True Value Hardware store today and put your pocket book at ease.”

 

Aunt Fritzi: “Lulu, do you know why Coach Thorp stopped by Jiffy Lube?”

Lulu: “Do you think I’d be sitting with Otis the Drunk’s grandmother if I did? Phewwwweeee, Granny, your Dewar breath’s worse ‘n’ Buck’s.”

Aunt Fritzi: Because Grease Monkey wouldn’t do dreadlocks on his hair.”

Lulu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Caught Spray-Painting Neighbor’s Vega!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Issue reportedly over a $20 promissory note.”

 

“America is thinking bigger. Bigger cars. Bigger houses. Bigger restaurants. In fact, SPLAT the Milford Mall is discussing SPLAT increasing its capacity to include more shops, restaurants, SPLAT fast food stores, and boutiques. A tattoo parlor is in the works and SPLAT the Milford Men’s Clinic is expanding SPLAT .Now there will be no waiting in line SPLAT while the Clinic is SPLAT ordering better equipment and medicine. The days of lying in the tanning salon SPLAT because one of the doctors forgot to order light bulbs for the lamp are over. Your SPLAT Significant Other will be browned and in SPLAT functional order by the time you leave.

Orville Redenbacher SPLAT is in the news. He is donat SPLAT ing $100 for every Orville Redenbacher SPLAT Ready-Popped, Through-Chewed, Margarine-Enriched box you buy.

Now here’s the hitch SPLAT . You have to come SPLAT to his farm to validate the deal. Just take I-90 for 945 miles, then take Exit 113, the Milford 76 Truck Stop exit, then when you reach County Road 375 SPLAT , take a right. Go by New Thayer High School  Driver’s Ed SPLAT Course and hang a left where the wooden cut-out of the farmer’s wife’s butt is displayed by the pin oak SPLAT tree in somebody’s yard and head straight down east, 3rd farm on the right SPLAT . A veritable feast and each box has been debugged.

More than I can say for WDIG SPLAT Studios where Marty is flailing at the flies with his swatter.

Looks like WDIG Studio could have used Roach Prufe. For $4.97, you can buy Roach Prufe tablets. That’s right, 2 tablets and a glass of tap water out of Marty’s liquor locker and the roaches and flies are retreating faster than Hannibal’s elephants. You can also buy Raoch Prufe in Injectors for just $9.88.  Handy when Marty spills El Nopal nacho sauce all over the floor and it slips through where the wall meets the floor. If you don’t want the roaches to be mooching for your El Pollo y Arroz Caliente con Vino Negro y Azul sobre La Carne Esplendido, may I suggest you inject liberally through the cracks. The roaches will wave the white flag. And when company comes to call as the CEO at WDIG will do from his bungalow in Bermuda, you’ll impress him with NO ROACHES in the building with the Roach Prufe Boric Acid for just $19.57. Nuking bugs never came so cheaply——”

“PAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only did you break your word about Gil, But you said you wouldn’t bring up Roach Prufe!!!!!!!!!!! My sponsors will pull on me in a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“But the studios and your ethics will be deloused.”

 

 

 

 

“Ohhhhhhhhh, Gil. Ohhhhhhhhh, Gil. We both coach basketball. We love the sport. We both love coaching players. Don’t you notice a positive vibe from this conversation?”

Gil is desperately trying to break down the match-up zone that Goshen will throw at Milford when they play Goshen in March and is lunging at the cross-court pass. No luck. The back-door is run to perfection.

Won’t stop Gil from steppin’ up his D.

“Honey, if you want good vibrations, why don’t you use the Ronco Cordless Vibrator I gave you for Christmas? There’s still a package of AA batteries in the kitchen shelf next to the silverware. Or listen to ‘Beach Boys Anthology, Volume 2’ that I gave Keri, the one I listened to when I started the freshman football team in ’66.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Gil, you can’t reach sexual Nirvana plugging it in. I need to feel you and I don’t need Eveready for that. Just drop your pants and give me a jump. I don’t need cables for that, My Sweet. We can do ‘Good Vibrations’ without Brian Wilson’s falsetto.”

“But this one will hold you down until I Rambo Goshen at their gym. It’s so powerful, it can warm up Julienne fries better than a GE Microwave. C’mon, use it, I didn’t waste my Milford Farm Emporium Visa Gold on a toy only to watch you put it next to your Raggedy Ann collection. I had to twist the lady’s arm on the 800 number that I would pay a $50 penalty if she would overlook my past expiration date on the card.”

“Gil, are you afraid you’re gonna double dribble?”

Gil is at a loss for words. Turnovers will make you do that.

“Because this is bye week and I’m horny and I need more than a Jacuzzi on a popsicle stick to get me stimulated.”

“BYE WEEK???? Mimi, you’ve already played 3 games which didn’t show up in the comics section because they were pre-empted by “Days of our Basketball Lives”. You won’t play again until Boys Basketball runs out of melodrama or April, whichever comes first. Don’t you mean bye WEEKS???????”

“Whatever, Gil let’s stop wasting time. That’s right, just drop those Levi’s and wet wittle Mimi fill you up wit some sensual dewights, that’s it,that’s it…”

TWEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Max the Referee from the ’80’s comes out from behind the curtain

3 SECONDS IN THE LANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“Max was a horseshit official in football and basketball but unfortunately he made the right call that night. I was stuck in Mimi’s Grand Canyon until my neighbor could come over and turn the hose on us. It was embarrassing having to have Jerry Pulver pull me from one end while the neighbor’s wife had to pull Mimi from the other end. Good thing our neighbor had a crowbar in his spare tire kit. All of this could have been avoided if I’d gone to Milford Men’s Clinic. They have treatment programs that work and if you stop in by next Friday, the Clinic will give you a free True Value Hardware Door Jack to avoid those way-too-intimate moments. Better than a fire sprinkler, believe me. Avoid the Milford Fire Department answering a 3-alarm emergency at your house and see for yourself. Because intimacy should nevere involve the Fire Marshal.”

 

Gang, comment away. I’m getting the bail money from The Sopranos. I had to raid the Flower Fund but they said I’m covered. There were no funerals this week.

 

“…and Gil and Mimi will finally finish the basketball season in style and with a taste of logic to it. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That Dr. Seuss can really write. I liked the part where the concession stand will be selling green eggs and ham from now on at every game.

 

Now you know………………………………………..the rest of the story.

Paul Harvey………………………………………………….Good Day.”

October 17, 2018

Milford @ Jefferson: Haiku

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The Jeffs are wearing

Helmets that look like Dartmouth’s

Or pencil sharpeners

 

Another team dressed in

White at home, like the Cowboys

Or Bayou Bengals

 

When did the players

Stop wearing wristbands and switch

Over to Fitbits?

 

Tiki Jansen won’t

Be getting torched on this play

Saw that pun coming

 

But wait, he’s been flagged

For making a reacharound

Not in the shower

 

Marty Moon cannot

Believe his eyes; dancing ice cubes

In front of floodlights

 

That’s liquor talking

It’s just some good old lens flare

Lay off the rotgut

 

 

November 1, 2017

Looks Like Your Classic Inane Plot Twist.

Filed under: ?, actual action, football, Lens Flare, Trainer Rick Scott — timbuys @ 7:36 am

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Taken out of the context of the ostensible plot of the fall arc, today’s strip could actually be pretty great. As it is, well, let’s just say I’m not especially enthusiastic to see how Uncle Gary ends up spinning this development, to say nothing of whether this has any implications for Kevin’s future at FB. Also, concussions. Or something.

October 19, 2017

The Best-Laid Plans Aren’t Much Fun

October 17, 2017

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Yep, the same ol’ same ol’. Marty asks a not terribly snarky question, Gil delivers a douchey answer. If your game plan is as dull and nonspecific as the one Gil delivers in his pre-game pep talk, then what exactly are you giving away repeating that verbatim on the air? If I’m Marty I’m throwing Gil’s crap back in his face on Saturday morning, as the next two strips will reveal.

October 18, 2017

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Another situation where the home team wears white at night. Is it really that hot in Nebraska this time of year? Other minutiae: weird perspective in P1 (at least three different planes), funky stadium architecture in general (do the bleachers face the field?), Milford’s uni numbers glow in the dark but their helmet decals no longer do. (Also wondering why Gil didn’t retire True Standish’s #11, since it doesn’t look like he’ll be sniffing any championships again anytime soon.) Minus points for Whigrub for not having a QB shout “Omaha!”

October 19, 2017

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“Coach Thorp couldn’t tell me his game plan ’cause he didn’t have one!” – Marty Moon, on his first broadcast after the Millard West game

By the light of the 2×4 Lego brick Milford is stymied and humiliated. Not only are the Mudlarks held scoreless in the second half, they get groped in the process. Adding insult to, well, just adding insult, the now-balding Marty Uncle Gary takes another opportunity to twist his tiny knife into Rick, hoping to drain the boy’s desire to play football by a thousand paper cuts. Shouldn’t Rick be dragging himself onto the team bus for a long, sad ride back to Milford? Or has Dr. Pearl cut Gil’s athletic budget so deeply that the players’ parents are forced to shuttle them to and from each game?

 

 

October 7, 2017

Rick, You’re No Ingrid Bergman

Filed under: football, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Lens Flare, Milford Weirdos, The Bucket — teenchy @ 1:03 pm

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For that matter, neither is your mom, and Uncle Gary sure as hell is no Charles Boyer. Yet that’s how Rubin has chosen to address the serious up-to-the-minute issue of concussions in football: by lifting the plot of the famous 1944 thriller that lent its name to the behavior Boyer displayed. Gaslighting has been charged many times this year in reference to the current US political climate, and that’s all I have to say about that. It’ll be on Turner Classic Movies next Sunday morning, so you insomniacs can check it then and see if we’re still tracking the plot. I guess this will make Gil Joseph Cotten, but if that makes Kaz Angela Lansbury I’m all for it.

Kudos to Connie Soto for driving a four-door sedan, especially since driving a Jeep Compass or pickup at night in Milford has had some unpleasant consequences. I think she has more to worry about than Rick’s cloudy eyes, like her severed left hand that still grips the steering wheel.  Hmm, bad paper cut?

December 5, 2016

Misdirection Implied

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Lens Flare — nedryerson @ 4:31 am

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Yay! A game ball? That’s kind of an unusual thing for Gil Thorp. Is it actually for Austin or is Heather jumping the gun?

Do they really have to ride all the the way back to Milford in full pads? Is the whole team on one bus?

ETA: Upon further examination, I think the most pressing question about today’s trip is: Why is Heather invading Austin’s space so aggressively? She’s literally in position to stick her tongue in his ear. It’s just weird.

June 7, 2016

Can’t Anybody Here Drive Their Car?

Filed under: Just plain sad, Lens Flare, Milford Idiots, Swifti Mart — timbuys @ 6:33 am

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Del was drunk and driving without his lights on, Boo is an inexperienced driver who ostensibly couldn’t see Del, but what’s the pick-em-up driver’s excuse? At least that driver was hitting the breaks, albeit to no avail it would seem.

I have to wonder if the pull-out for the Swifti Mart regularly features this kind of carnage.

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