This Week in Milford

June 2, 2020

“We’ll Meet You This Friday, 7:30PM, Here At Howard Johnson’s Inn.”

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Instead of tying loose ends, which is what Thorpiverse SHOULD be doing, we’re extracting a couple more storylines out of the grab bag, at the expense of some plots or mimi-plots that never really flew out of Milford Regional Airport. What are we going to talk about, what activities could we be humanly engaging in, now that summer is here?

The love story that never was and will likely stay that way between Phoebe and The Mayor was NOT because he drank too much Nutrament Vanilla Shakes at the tavern; nope, Thorpiverse sent Miss Grundy to rummage through his gym bag after Mr. Grundy cried foul and a kitchen utensil you use to spread Skippy on Roman Meal killed “A Little Romance.” We’ll never see him and Phoebe kiss under the Milford Canal Bridge just as the 3rd shift whistle goes off at Milford Foundry. Way to be a wet blanket, Mr. Grundy.

And what happened to Gonzo? Heck, that would have made a great Jets vs. Sharks confrontation. Us Hispanics always have to bail you out in the ninth when your pitcher gets a rubber arm. Oh, yeah? Well, if you’d quit batting with a Swiffer Mop when you’re swinging for the fences, you might up your average. Then there’s the song, sung by The Mayor naturally

Mimi

I just met a girl named Mimi

And now I know that name

Will never be the same

Again

 

And The Mayor could get whacked by the Sharks with a Hillerich & Bradsby Special and Mimi threaten both the Jets AND the Sharks after The Mayor loses his mind and the team goes on to win the Playdowns in remembrance of The Mayor who gave his Ultra Slim Fast for the team. Of course, he already DID lose his mind after slurping Ultra Slim Fast at his Communion, but we can sort it out while Gil’s at the links. Just alternate between the Mudlarks singing “We’re Gonna Get ’em Tonight” and Gil saving par. Just about wraps up the summer, doncha think?

But nooooooooo, we gotta endure a couple of wayward ideas that will probably REMAIN wayward. So as long as we’re going to drag athletes into this, I might as well throw in a couple of my own.

Richard Pryor had a hilarious take on Jim Brown, the standout running back for the Cleveland Browns in the ’60’s and respectable actor after his playing days were over. Pryor would say that Brown could be mean as snakes, which was understandable, given Brown’s competitiveness and focus. His statistics backed him up.

And Pryor continued “Man, it used to be a death wish. There ain’t no building around here in Milford to jump off of. and Gil went golfing. Let’s go over to Jim Brown’s house and fuck with him a while.”

So if Valley Alternative, as long as we’re recruiting, ever fields a football team, they can go over to Jim Brown’s house and ask politely. I’m sure he’ll oblige if they say “Please”.

Gil rings Jim Brown’s doorbell one day

Jim Brown opens the door

“Yeah, Jimmie, Big Man, hey, I don’t mean to intrude, I’m sure you’re studying game film in the den (get a hold of yourself, Thorp) , well, what I mean to say is, ol’ Buddy, ol’ Pal, you see, Dr. Pearl got caught behind on her District Board State Income Tax W-2 Report-1978 and can’t make it to the Midnight Bowling League Match tonight and seeing, well, you have such strong hands and hate to roll gutter balls as if you were getting stuffed on the 1-yard line, and we know you like the ball a lot, so we wanted to know if you’d be interested in filling out our 4-member team. We call ourselves Thorp’s Troops. Catchy, isn’t it? Whattya say?” as Gil braces for the worst.

“Sure. What time do you need me there?”

“11:35PM. We need to get the roster turned in and ready to go before First Roll at 12:01AM”

“I’ll be there.”

Gil breathes a sigh of relief

“Thanks, Jimmie. I always thought you were a terror when you were with the Steelers.”

 

 

I was intrigued when I saw on a documentary on Abraham Lincoln and the fact that he and Mary Todd Lincoln slept in separate beds. How’d they get Robert Todd, Edward, Willie, or Tad? Oh well

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Alexa Caught In Serious Dispute Over Future Wedding Plans!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“There ain’t no way I’m taking a double room, I don’t care how much of a discount I get at Milford Motel 6.”

 

And as long as we’re going to endow Valley Alternative with a smorgasbord, shoot, I have a whole list of athletes that would fit right in to the school.

How about Dennis Rodman? He got shipped to VA (not the Milford VA Hospital, bear in mind) because he wore his purple (orange/green/magenta////…) hair one too many times in Andy Rooney’s class. Rooney and Dr. Paper Pusher found Krylon in his desk and considered it a weapon. You could take somebody’s eye out with that thing if you’re not pointing the spray tip towards the wall or your hair.

Then there’s Magic Johnson. He wound up with his indiscriminate sex life catching up with him (Arther Ashe, BTW, chided Johnson because he felt that Johnson gave blacks a bad name because Johnson didn’t keep it in his pocket) . Perfect candidate for VA. Yeah, those adventures with Mimi while Gil was out of town non-coaching his team in a Holiday Tournament landed him right in Dr. Paper Pusher’s dog house and it was all over but the paperwork. Starting point guard for VA this coming winter, fer sure.

And the following scene, courtesy of Mr. Pryor

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oakwood, that’s going to cost you 10 yards cuz I already lost one eye and I ain’t playin’.”

In the Valley Alternaive huddle

“Roh, give me the ball.”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Next time, I’ll be rippin’ out the other cheek from your butt.”

In the Valley Huddle on 1st and goal

“Roh, give me the ball.”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! SQUEEEGIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

“I ripped Gil’s hair out that time, Oakwood, I don’t care how much VO5 he put on it. I’ll eat my own if I have to.”

In the huddle for the PAT

“Roh, give me the ball.”

But that’s football and we’ll let Nasty Brown and Charlie Roh work out their differences on running back duties, not to mention let you fill in the blank on the final score. Good thing Chet Ballard didn’t fuck with Jim Brown and check his background. That WOULD be like jumping off the Milford School Corporation Annex building.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon To Appear In Milford Small Claims Court Over Dispute With Mudlark Lakes Resort!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“If I’d known that waiving the fee meant that Peaches and I had to sleep in separate bunks, I would have packed my chastity belt in my suitcase.”

 

And we can’t leave this puzzle wrapped in an enigma at The Bucket and just relive old times and wish no hard feelings and get the Hell on to Gil’s golf game, already in progress. Nope, we gotta drag this plot that won’t die into another plot that just started and won’t die but might take until the end of July for it not to die. We have to line up the court time so that it doesn’t conflict with Milford Flea Market Open Market held every 3rd Saturday in the month after the 2nd Tuesday, make sure Luhm waxed and buffered the damn court before the Clash of the Titans with the ex-Titans, sign the contracts with the officials and, by God, they better honor their contract. Games with haves and have-nots still count in the record book. I tell you one thing, Gil would make the zebras live up to their end of the bargain if he weren’t trying to dig one out of the sand trap.

“YEAH!!!!!!!!!! We got Havlicek on our side. And Henry “Hank” Finkel in the middle!!!!!!!!!! He had Carhee running wind sprints in practice at the pace of a cheetah, he was so intimidated.

If ya kiss and make up and exchange deer tags and still bet ya can drink more Stroh’s at the Milford Stop ‘n’ Sludge Bar in a friendly competition and the winner gets a free hose job in his abdomen, courtesy Milford General, ya might be a redneck.

“…and that’s the 10th batter plunked by the New Thayer pitching staff. I’ve seen Coach Thorp do a lot of non-coaching but this is ridiculous. Won’t anybody take charge????”

A few minutes later on the mound with New Thayer at bat

“Gonzo, give me the ball.”

Oops, sorry, I forgot Jim Brown is with Valley Alternative. Oh well, just pretend. Who’s gonna notice? Certainly not Gil.

And we’re rounding out the lineup in P3. Bill Laimbeer has been sent to the school because of his bad boy image and should be cleared for the starting lineup this Friday. Hank Finkel was sent to VA for being the 12th man on his high school reserve team and still making an NBA roster. Should be cleared to sit on the bench this Friday. He and Gil have a lot in common. Well, Gil doesn’t have a mustache and isn’t 7 feet tall. Finally, Johnny “Red” Kerr was sent to the school because he wore the nastiest looking gym shorts at an NBA Old-Timers All-Star Game and had the nerve to have a broadcasting career for the Bulls (gotcha, again, Robmize!!!!! Hey, it wasn’t the Cubs this time (ha ha)) . The game should go without a hitch.

 

At Milford High School Gym one Saturday morning

“Give me the ball.”

“This is a wrestling invitational, Mr. Brown.”

“Sorry. My bad.”

 

“And we’ll be back to see if Red Kerr is able to play after his jock strap came up missing and he’s forced to rummage through the lost and found hamper in the locker for a spare after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Thorp household one evening

“Mommy, why is Daddy shaking the bed in the billiard room?”

“What????? How long has this been happening?”

“We were watching Archie TV Funnies when we thought it was an earthquake. Me and Jaime covered our heads like you always told us. When the sky wasn’t falling, we didn’t know what to do.”

Mimi walks toward billiard room where Gil is playing “Vehicle” by the Ides of March and using the spare mattress on the springs to pretend to have the time of his life.

“Mommy, is Daddy dirty dancing?”

“No, dear, don’t be silly. Gil, what are you doing?”

“Oh, hey, now I know what Honest Abe went through when he slept in separate beds. It must have been too much for The Railsplitter to deny what a man’s got to do to Mary Todd. He couldn’t count sheep or think about how he would do when he ran against Stephen Douglas. He had to jumo on the other bed and go to town. I heard the whole town of Springfield used to hear Mary Todd’s screams of ecstasy.  I understand that’s how he got Tad and Willie. I’m just recreating the event.”

“Mommy, did Abe Lincoln really get Tad from humping a feather bed?”

“No, Honey, of course not. Your daddy needs to learn that he doesn’t need to read history books to have some fun.”

“And Mimi, there was the time that he went to bed with that hooker. It was in the SAME BED!!!!!!!!! Some historians say it was a myth but so was George Washington chopping down the cherry tree. But George didn’t get any kids from not telling a lie. At least Lincoln had a head start with a myth when he married Mary Todd.”

“Gil, YOU can get a head start and you don’t have to go to Johnny Appleseed for this kind of stimulation. I have FedExed several cases of EREC-3500 laxatives so you can get movement in both directions. You can make your own history and we can sleep in the same bed.”

“I won’t have to use a Pinkerton to guard the house while I’m pretending to have fun with Mary Todd?”

“Mommy, do Pinkertons get erect too?”

“When my children were slightly confused about the birds and the bees, it was time to face my problem straight in the eye. With treatment programs that work, the Milford Men’s Clinic promises you will share the same bed at the Milford Marriott or they will cheerfully refund your money. And you can keep David Herbert Donald’s book on the dresser while you’re goin’ to town. Sounds like Era of Good Feeling to me. Come get down, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

 

Thank you for your support, Gang. Still think they ought to start Red Kerr. He can’t help it if all jock straps smell like halitosis and VO5. Anyway, God bless you, Gang.

 

“Give me the ball, Coach.”

“Still gotta get it out of the water. Kaz, hand me my 9-iron.”

 

Recreating Richard Pryor, one night at Milford Lounge

“Gentlemen, I believe the coach can better express himself if you let him go.”

Gil being restrained by 12 men

“Any of you buttholes release me and I’ll cream yo’ ass later. Now just ease my ass out the door and leave Mr. Brown in peace. We might need him for the football plot.”

May 21, 2020

“No, I’m Doing Time For Stealing Keri’s Lunch Money.”

 

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Well, we have no choice

Be with girls and boys

That stirred some noise

Cuz they stole Gil’s toys

 

Well, we can’t salute Gil

He’s not around

If that don’t suit ya

Get outta town

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School’s been changed to prison

 

Okay, you whippersnappers, I love your music and always have but doncha dare touch Alice Cooper. Vintage, Baby. “Billion Dollar Babies”, “Love it to Death”, “Killer”, I’m tellin’ ya, I could go on. His Christian beliefs are a bonus and I mean the man LIVES the faith. Great musician and he is a testimony to all around, I’m in Heaven.

 

So now The Mayor gets dropped off and I’m sure he’s a little uneasy and who can blame him? Would you want YOUR mom going to the administration wing of Milford Reformatory and tell the lady at the desk she wants to get you enrolled? Oh, sure, here’s his birth certificate and his test scores from Milford Elementary. He might have to take Algebra again, he was having trouble with direct proportion. Yes, I can fax you his physical from our doctor. And he has to be passing in 4 solid subjects to be on the team? I’ll make a note of it. I’ll get a tutor for him in Modern Vocab. And call me if his grades are slipping.

 

While “Moanin'” is blasting from Charles Mingus off of “Blues and Roots” out of Dr. Pearl’s 8-track player

GODDAMIT!!!!! HIS REFORM SCHOOL RECORD IS SOMEWHERE ON THE DESK!!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS UNDER THE MILFORD PEST CONTROL INVOICE!!!!!!!!!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Yes?”

Coach Kaz opens the door

“Uh, Dr. Pearl, could you have the Pest Control guy do some extra spraying under the map of Slovakia? I saw a hornet’s nest.”

 

And conceding that moping wasn’t getting him anywhere, who wants to go to a school that supposedly calls itself Valley Alternative when the sign up front appears to read Goshen? As in Goshen Institute for Wayward Children? Goshen Treatment Center for Problem Students? By gum, if we can’t break him of his habit of bringing Chinet Plastic Knives to school, he deserves to share the lavatory with Papa Bader.

And coming from an engineering family (grandpa worked for Chrysler and G.E.) , I love math. And math involves fallacies in certain arguments. Like “post hoc ergo propter hoc”. This literally (everything is Latin henceforth) means “after this, therefore because of this” or loosely translated “I ain’t got no goddam business at a school that can’t even label its marquee board correctly”. This argument suffers from saying that B occurs whenever A occurs, therefore A causes B.

That won’t wash because B could occur for a number of reasons having nothing to do with A. B could be caused by Z or M or omega or Dr. Pearl’s Dentu-Cream. Proper research is in order.

The Mayor getting sent to Gil’s Reformatorium is a classic case of “post hoc ergo propter hoc.” Just because a common table knife was discovered in The Mayor’s locker does not necessarily mean it belongs to The Mayor, a point I’m sure Hadley Varnish will hit home at the District Board meeting. It could have been used by Coach Shaw to rob the Milford 7-11 to get some cash and condoms. The need for some chump change and no more children from his horny wife got to be too much, evidently. But he had to stash the evidence or it would blow his cover as a cameo coach.

The Bucket could have used his locker for table knives because the dispenser had to be sterilized and stacking them next to his street clothes and his table d’hote was about as sanitary an alternative as anyone could get. They just forgot to get all the knives when Milford Sanitary Enterprises returned the machine after a thorough dousing of suds.

And really, you could extend “post hoc ergo propter hoc” to The ‘Mudlark Whiffleball’  bumper sticker on Mama Knappe’s minivan was not necessarily a direct result of Gil’s coaching.” For all we know, Gil could have been trying to golf one out of the sand trap at Milford Public Golf Course when The Mayor parked one in the stands and won MVP as a result. Making Mama proud and getting on the green to save par don’t always correlate.

 

No more baseball

No more knives

No more living

A Mudlark’s life

 

Gil is past due

Out to pasture

Gone to Hole 9

Plot’s much faster

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gil’s Reformatorium For Discarded Plotline Characters To Construct An Extension Onto The Student Life Section!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Studies indicate a growing need for a building concentrating on meeting needs of ex-petty larceny contingent.”

 

And many of you simply fail to understand Fallacy of Division. This is totally different from Fallacy of Composition. Don’t get them confused. Fallacy of Composition states that if one’s a bum, they’re all bums.

Let’s bring it close to home. Say I throw out “Marty Moon wears a goatee and is a snake in the grass, therefore all men who wear goatees are cowardly, yellow-bellied vipers and only foot odor smell worse than their ethics. You can’t spray Dr. Scholl on Marty’s broadcasting techniques or the persona of other men who broadcast or perform white-collar duties or otherwise punch a time clock to earn a paycheck.”

This is faulty reasoning. If that were true, Magic Johnson would have been spraying liberally when he wasn’t executing the 3-on-2 against the Celtics at the LA Forum. Charles Mingus would be slithering around the studio while trying to play bass on “Better Git It In Your Soul”. Gil would be banging Mimi 24/7 in the closet when the kids were away at summer camp. Gil’s ethics, work or otherwise, may be shaky but for now just assume there’s nothing but coats and hangers in the closet. And that Gil displayed a goatee at one time just to aid and abet in this argument. You’ll just have to use your imagination.

Fallacy of Division IS JUST THE OPPOSITE. PLEASE keep that in mind so that when you’re taking the exam, you don’t miss the question and flunk the course and wind up sitting behind The Mayor in Intro to Sociology at Goshen Alternative Life Skills Academy.

Fallacy of Division says that if the whole group is one way, then the individual members are too. If that were true, Band of Gypsies, the classic by Jimi Hendrix, would have relegated him, Buddy Miles on drums, and Billy Cox on bass to nomadic status. They played music, not wandered the Mojave Desert with a caravan of Joe Tourists and Joe Gypsies.

Therefore, when Gil called The Mayor an idiot, he committed a most grievous error. Yes, Gil, I’ll concede that you’ve assembled a whole baseball team of idiots because, as Coach Stuard taught me, the coach is the tree and the players are the branches and if the coach is an idiot, well, Gil, do you expect the team to subsequently play smart and hard? Well?

STILL, with that said, if the team is composed of many garbage men, does that make The Mayor an employee for Milford Sanitary Engineering Solutions, Inc.? Well, you don’t see a garbage can lid in P2, do you? He didn’t ride to work in a garbage truck with “Milford Baseball Mom” bumper sticker on the back of the vehicle.

Therefore, assume that if The Mayor ever asks the lady at the desk where the dumpster is, he is

A) Throwing away a Twinkie wrapper and a Diet Coke can

B) Attempting to ditch this inane plot

C) Has to take a leak BEHIND the dumpster because the toilets in the boy’s room at Gil’s Reformatorium are out of order

D) All of the above

 

If ya got ta go ta reform school cuz ya could only repeat 5th grade so many times and the Milford District Board ruled ya ran past the Statute uv Limitations, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Alice Cooper, accompanied by the Milford Elementary School 4th Grade Choir and Tonette Band

 

Now we’re stuck in class

There isn’t any teachers

And there isn’t any principal

No coach with bouncy skunk-black hairrrrr

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School will bore me to pieces

 

What? Dr. Pearl’s daughter is involved in a career in education TOO? She has that beehive right down to the yarmulke. But it looks like Dr. Pearl Junior applied some Grecian Formula for Women. Dr. Pearl evidently is allergic to it. No worries, Dr. Pearl. Polar bear hair is sexy, according to this article in National Geographic.

That said, Dr. Pearl Jr. couldn’t cut it in real estate? The career in cosmetology at Milford Beauty School fell through? The earrings weren’t chunky enough, I reckon, although they probably didn’t grade on a curve on her Show-and-Tell portion of the final exam if P2 is any indication. Because she didn’t apply enough Afro-Sheen to Mimi’s hair, Mimi looked like Billie Holiday as a Milford Cafeteria Lady, so Dr. Pearl Jr.’s kismet became the lead woman at the Information Desk at Goshen Valley School for Mudlark Retreads. I’ll bet there’s plenty of room for advancement.

 

Another fallacy is the Ad Populum Argument. This commits the fallacy of believing something because many or all of the people endorse that particular concept (“according to the people”) . This is a dangerous line of reasoning as we could be swayed to certain actions against our better judgment. Just because the Gallup Polls reported that 83% of the population read Gil Thorp and opine that he is 10 times better than Barney Google even if in the end they use the comic section to scoop up the dog poop/droppings in the hamster cage doesn’t mean we should go down to PetSmart and buy a beagle. Don’t base your decision to buy a litter box because the Milford Enquirer said that Gil was better than reading the Horoscope. An appeal to sound rhetoric is the higher road to pursue.

 

Gang, remember the Night Gallery episode “The Academy” where Pat Boone plays a slightly cold-hearted parent who is seriously considering sending his problem child to a military school run by a general, played by Leif Erickson (Larry Linville, who played Major Burns on M*A*S*H* for years, plays one of the cadets) ? The chiller is that this is no ordinary military school. Pat Boone recognizes some of the cadets who are well in their 30’s and 40’s after they got in trouble at school or with the law when they were teenagers and were eventually sentenced to this school. The fact they’re still doing drill is the overriding concern but the clincher is this statue of Erickson’s character with his arm around a boy. The general is pointing TOWARDS the school, not out towards the world with a “Go West, Young Man” flavor to it. Juvenile delinquents sent to a correctional facility are trapped when they become adults.

So when The Mayor gets dumped onto Boys Town-Goshen Valley Extension, it’s bad enough, as Teenchy mentioned, that chemical symbols are written in Aramaic somewhere across the Tigris-Euphrates but you hope to God there isn’t this statue of Gil with his arm around The Mayor out by the entrance. You pray Gil is pointing towards the Milford High School Baseball Facility, if nothing else.

And what the Hell could this kid be thinking when he asks a question like that in P3? Does he think The Mayor cruised around town with Al Capone? Sure, Al had a machine gun, The Mayor had a table knife when confronting The Sopranos.

“No, but I drove the getaway car when they held up Milford Federal Credit Union last week.”

Keep pointing towards the school, Gil. The Mayor might graduate by the time he’s eligible for Social Security.

 

Booby Howry uncovers his latest billboard

“Clarabelle the Clown uses a Poulan Weed Trimmer when manicuring his lawn. Shouldn’t you?”

 

I don’t think Booby’s latest offering will get him in trouble with Gil but definitely Booby is most definitely committing the Fallacy of Argument from Authority. Now if Clarabelle the Clown squirts his tears all over the Mudlark gym, Clarabelle the C is on Gil’s shit list but the billboard, though flawed, won’t draw Gil’s ire.

 

“And we’ll be back to see if The Mayor jumps the wall at The Academy or is forced to clean 500 rifles if he’s caught after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“I hated to expel Mike from Milford High School. Lord knows he was like a son to me. I hadn’t been this close to someone like him since The Flapper Days.

And then there’s all the restaurants closing due to the pandemic. People just aren’t going to jump in the station wagon and overindulge at the buffet table at Milford Ponderosa.

And Milford Funeral Solutions recognizes that. They know they can’t stop death but they can help a brother in need. That’s why Milford Funeral Solutions is more than happy to announce that they are teaming up with Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen Inc. to aid a restaurant beaten and robbed on its way to Jericho. Lord knows that Milford Funeral Solutions may need Popeyes cooler section should there be an oversupply of caskets.

And to prove that death is always in demand, if your loved one dies and you hold the viewing and the service by the end of May, Popeyes will throw in a 10-Piece Mixed Chicken Special, complete with 10 Hand-Dipped Chicken Tenders and 5 Biscuits. If you can perform the cremation by the same date, Popeyes will add 2 sides. Throwing ashes in Mudlark Lake and Macaroni and Cheese, a winning combination. My husband partook of Hush Puppies when they scattered his grandfather.

Some of you encountered multiple deaths in the family. When grandmothers from both sides of the family give up their spirits at the Milford Convalescent Center, you don’t want to be malnourished after the priest reads the Last Rites. That’s why a White Meat to Celebrate Life Special is such a welcome relief. And Popeyes will spice up the festivities with Buffalo Wings if they donated their bodies to science. You can be assured that while you’re devouring your White Breast Meat and Cole Slaw that your loved one donated his or her kidney or heart so that that person’s own Celebration of Life gets postponed until their Meaning of Life is fulfilled.

Can’t afford funeral expenses? Not a problem. Milford Funeral Solutions and Popeyes will hold a raffle for 10 lucky contestants. The winner of the drawing will hear “Shall We Gather at the River” for the dearly departed while enjoying a 4-Pack Chicken Sandwich and Potato Fries Combo. We ask that you don’t slurp your Orange Crush during the proceedings out of respect for the dead.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions and experience Christian charity at its finest. As Paul said in 1st Corinthians, there’s 3 things we need to abide by, Faith, Hope, and Charity. But the greatest of them all is a Popeyes Bucket Fill-Up. Heaven will never be the same.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. God bless you all.

 

At the District Board hearing, a concerned parent comes to the podium to voice his concerns

“…and furthermore, anybody who dips her beehive in a tub of Grecian Formula-Phosphate Free and Prell and Quaker State is not fit to be an administrator of Milford High School…”

Hey, best case of committing the Ad Hominem (“To the man”) Fallacy I’ve seen so far. He’ll probably have to restructure his argument should there be an appeal.

 

School’s in for the summer

School’s in forever

School’s IN, OH MY GOODNESS

 

“…where the students don’t matriculate but rather, are marooned. We call this painting ‘Milford High School’. And this is…The Night Gallery.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

April 22, 2020

Watch Out for That Tree!

gt04222020

“I’m halfway to a smoothie, Muench. Now all you gotta do is hit some potholes. Oh, and watch out for that tree.”

 

Are you as sick of The Mayor’s breakfast surprises as I already am? Of course you are. I’m still waiting for some sort of elaboration as to why this is an important plot device. We’ve had little if any indication of Knappe household dysfunction which might manifest itself in Mike’s choice of breakfast items and delivery system. For the moment I’m willing to chalk it up as another facet of his narcissistic personality.

Interesting details on display in the Muenchmobile today. The duct taped driver’s seat bolster is a nice touch of realism and reinforces the notion that kids in the Valley drive beaters. The slabs for sun visors are curious, though: what’s holding them in place in the center? And how are those Post-its staying stuck to them?

Questions to be answered another time as we quick cut to the Milford diamond for the conference opener vs. the yet to be named Valley rival. Celebrity cameo in P3 as Tom Berenger sheds the tools of ignorance to take some practice in the field. Tom’s got some odd follow-through on that throw; with a splayed hand like that he must be tossing a Wiffleball.

March 31, 2020

Les Parapluies De Milford

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Make and Model Mystery Mobile — tdrewhardin @ 8:43 am

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I will wait forever, though this plot dragged on

Now we’re two hopeless lovers and spring sports we’ll gag on

Co-winners of our hearts and sharing trophies of love

Are but useless tools,

We’re clueless fools

Let’s shove

 

Okay, so Alexa’s mom didn’t own an umbrella store, Milford Used Parasol Shoppe, and Chris was Guy Foucher for some co-ed volleyball player in the Big Ten. But I had to find SOME way to keep myself awake to spice up the sputtering previous plot and take the baton for the present sputtering plot. What better way than “Les Parapluies de Cherbourg”(“The Umbrellas of Cherbourg”), an Academy Award nominee for Best Foreign Film and Best Musical Score? Many of you, old-timers included, have heard “I Will Wait for You” a million times, many times on Muzak, but like me, never recognized the tune until you saw the movie, as I did.

But I’d rather the plot at hand take the same flight as Guy and send both to Algeria to fight a war. The only difference is you hope this plot gets buried in The Sahara. You pray Guy returns to enjoy Alexa and a Bucket Burger.

 

Things are just getting off to a roaring start. Making payments on Archie’s jalopy? Did he have to make a down payment at Milford Scrap Iron & Metals, Inc.? And what was his collateral? Some expensive umbrellas he negotiated from Alexa? Sure, this parasol’s valuable. Used to protect The Little Old Lady from Pasadena from acid rain. And the rain never chewed through the material.

And stop throwing names at us, Thorpiverse, especially ones you stole off the Scrabble board. You must have taken home all the poker chips off of “Godleski”.

And where do we start? Stabbing in the dark couldn’t be more fun. I got my Milford Surname Pronunciation Guide which is useful but this one slipped through the cracks. God-LESS-ski? Okay, let me try it on for size

“…and God-LESS-ski sends one off the wall in center field and we have a cat loose in the alley. God-LESS-ski rounds first, on his way to second and he’ll make his way easily with a stand-up double. God-LESS-ski thought about third but the relay was a strong one and God-LESS-ski didn’t want to get his uniform dirty and mess up the lettering. He’d be tagged out by a mile and we’d have REAL problems trying to figure out his name…”

I confess I used Sean Moth, our local baseball announcer, to do the play-by-play. Hey, if the uniform was tattered and torn, I’m confident he’d pronounce Gozdlleyzcki properly, aggressive base-running or no aggressive base-running.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Roland Cassard: Don’t Even THINK Of Making A Move On Alexa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dude thinks he can buy her love but there’s more to life than purchasing jewels and umbrellas.”

 

Gil Foucher to a Mudlark booster

“…l’intrigue de baseball fait le bruit de feraille, mais c’est normal…”

The baseball plot rattles but that’s normal. It appears the plot sucks no matter what language is spoken. Past or present considerations included.

 

And why is Tom Muench and GOAT-ulls-skee picking up The Mayor anyway? Since when does The Mayor of Milford ride with a couple of teenagers and perform some wheelies and doughnuts in the Milford Municipal Lot parking lot, then hit The Bucket for a Bucket Triple Decker because unlawful driving and dodging the Milford Traffic Control Officer works up an appetite?

When I was coaching Babe Ruth Baseball, part of keeping the League functional was obtaining a letter from The Mayor of our city. Hey, blessings from the top city official DEFINITELY helped our League. Parents will bring Junior’s birth certificate to the Player Agent of Babe Ruth League every time if The Mayor says it’s a legitimate show.

But I never took The Mayor to the Milford Lounge for a Schlitz. We didn’t need to get drunk and screw just for a letter of recommendation. I’ll just pick it up from your secretary, thank you.

“Yeah, I’ll clear some room in the front seat. I put my laundry in the back seat. And don’t worry, I vacuumed the floorboard. That Milford Car Wash Power Vacuum really sucked up all the cigarette butts. A couple of quarters and the bugs and coke cups in the vehicle didn’t stand a chance. 11:30? Fine, I’ll be there.”

 

Roland Cassard in Dr. Pearl’s office, sung to “Watch What Happens” (you’ve heard that one a million times too)

 

Dr. Pearl

File cabinets simply rock my world

Beehive hairdos charge me when you unfurl

I watch you store those math scores

I’m ape-shit, girl

For romance

 

Dear Roland

I am stuck in red tape with no hope

Office door is bolted by a long rope

I have to file these junior graduation claims

You dope

 

Now where’s my pen

 

Your dentures, Madame

 

 

Are you serious, Thorpiverse? My police cruiser I used to drive around in (It was, seriously, there were no door handles in the back seat so that criminals couldn’t get out, plus I got to school in 4.5 seconds with the souped-up engine those police cars employed to catch crooks) looked a lot better than this pile of manure that’s movin’ down the street. You’re going to have 2 teenagers pick up The Mayor in a car that is terribly afflicted with ferric oxide? The side panels have been snorting a sizeable amount of oxygen on that bag of bolts. Who takes a date to the prom in a Sherman tank that once fought Rommel on Normandy Beach? Eisenhower had a tough decision whether to proceed with D-Day on foggy conditions. Shoot, with that tank, I’d have sent the damn thing back across The English Channels for repairs and a wax job, let alone get in the back seat after the prom.  If General Montgomery sends that contraption up against 15 Panzers, and it gets severely damaged in combat, so be it. If I have to pick up The Mayor or my prom date because I fought Rommel’s henchmen on my own time and drive the streets of Milford in the tank’s present condition, that’s on me. Can’t blame it on Eisenhower’s decisions. Shitty vehicles with no sponsorship is Hell on the conscience.

 

If ya won 1st Prize at the Milford Auto Auction Car Show in the Category of Dilapidated But Running running away, beating out the Clampett’s wagon cuz Jethro fergot ta check the radiator ta see if it had water, ya might be a redneck

 

As the Milford & Oakwood pulls out of the station

JE T’AIME, CHRIS!!!!!!!!!! JE T’AIME, CHRIS!!!!!!!!!

“Alexa, I’m going to return. We had to take the train to New Thayer because the bus broke down.”

 

We are already inundated with possiblities for one name, now we’re scratching our heads on how to pronounce another one. Mark Twain had a field day when writing the hilarious account, “That Awful German Language”. Shovel a bunch of nouns and adjectives between the auxiliary verb and the participle and you had command of die Deutsche Sprache. So when Muench (talk about awful German) and Gutless-sky pick up Mike Knappe (I bet you can shovel that as an adverb between the verb and the participle) , we are left scrambling for the pronunciation guide once again. Get it out the Redbook rack, blow the dust off, and start conjecturing.

Having taken several courses in German, I DO know that it means “page” or “stable boy”. The youngster was commissioned to shovel the poop out of the barn when he wasn’t shoveling German definite articles. And right now, I’m going to begin with how the Germans pronounce it (stupid to ask someone from Samoa, y’think?) and that would be K’NAHP-puh (K and N run together) .

Now what Alice Kravitz is doing waiting for Guthman and Muench when she’s not spying on Darren and Samantha Stevens across the street is anybody’s guess. And we still are wondering what Mike K’NAHP-puh is doing to warrant Alice getting distracted on Samantha twitching her lips to get the cat out of the tree.

Was he sitting on the john (“Damn, where’s the toilet paper?”) ? Was he reading the sports pages (In MILFORD?) ? Is he listening to The Fibber McGee Hour on WDIG-Radio?

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!! SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Doggone it, I knew I should have cleaned out the locker-

“HONEY, Goodfellas and Munchy are here!!!!!!!!”

Click

“COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Stay tuned next week to see if Fibber fumigates his locker with Renuzit

 

My final Women’s History Month entry goes to Catherine Deneuve, the lead actress in Les Parapluies de Cherbourg. She has accomplished great things in her long career. She has acted in over 100 films and has garnered some respect along the way. She has been  nominated for 14 Cesar Awards (the French equivalent of the Oscar) , winning 2 for “The Last Metro” and “Indochina”, and nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress for “Indochina”. She also is heavily involved in the cosmetics industry as a spokesperson and a model, being in high demand for many years. She is also involved in several charities, including UNESCO. Fluent in French (her native language) , Italian, and English, please join me in saluting a person who has soared to great heights while still keeping her feet on the ground. She is definitely the people’s choice.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Alexa dumps Chris for Roland Cassard and marries wealthy with no principles after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At The Lake House, where Marty Moon invested part of his 401K he got from his broadcasting career (paid substantial penalties to Milford Federal for early withdrawl) , at bed time with his honey

 

Peaches, My Peach

I have something to share

Pull my shorts and it’ll all be there

You’ll enjoy the sensual spicy bill of fare

Mon cher

 

“Oh, Marty, you say the filthiest things. Let me have a look at the merchandise.”

Pulls the shorts out and looks in the Grand Canyon

 

Marty, My Sweet

There is really nothing to meet

It can barely stand on its feet

A very disappointing candy-caned treat

No heat

 

It’s limp as L’eggs

 

I pumped all day

 

“Marty, Roland Cassard may be a jerk but I bet he gets harder than the jewels he peddles at Milford Diamond Company. He’s been hitting on me ever since Chris took Alexa back and they married and vacationed in Liechtenstein.”

“Peaches, give a man a break. It’s just malnourished. One sip of Milford Protein Supplement drink and I’ll be brandishing a flagpole so hard, the Jets and the Sharks will back off.”

“Marty, I wouldn’t hang a tea bag on your outdated clothesline. Thank God, you paid 2 weeks on this resort. You still have 13 days to sweep me off my feet and take me away from Guy Foucher.”

“I’m a better mechanic than that vain piece of France. Why, he blew a customer’s engine and refused to apologize.”

“Marty, YOU ought to apologize because it DIDN’T blow.”

“Well, Guy isn’t leaving his godmother and marrying you. I’ll show the evidence that demands a verdict. I’ll drink more Nestle’s Quik Chocolate and get my thing so buzzed with sugar, you’ll think you’re getting it from a Snickers bar.”

“Marty, take these EREC-9000 Vita-Plus Extra Hold tablets or you’re going to be facing a hung jury.”

 

“Thank God Peaches looked after my own interests and bailed me out. I wouldn’t know what to do if Roland had ran off with her and left me with a diamond to rub on the scheme of things. Thank God, Milford Men’s Clinic came through and saved me from having to sell umbrellas the rest of my life. With treatment programs that work, isn’t it time you staved off Roland Cassard with a taste of his own medicine? These EREC-9000 Vita-Plus Extra Hold tablets made sure he would just be selling jewelry, not taking a jewel away from me. Come to The Milford Men’s Clinic and fight Roland with fire.”

 

Gang, you are my world. Thanks for your contributions. Please follow the Central for Disease Control guidelines so that we can keep Democracy at work.

 

If it takes forever

I will wait for you

For a thousand plotlines

I will wait for you

‘Til you’re back from practice

‘Til the last pitch comes through

 

‘Til you slam the door

And jump into my arms

 

Gil Foucher wipes his feet off the mat and enters

“Mimi, practice ran a little over and we had to look all over the dugout for someone’s keys. What’s with the singing?”

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