This Week in Milford

November 13, 2019

You’ve Got a Friend in Thorpsylvania

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Having enlisted Niah Peters (who has a Twitter feed if nothing else) to join Gil’s little Clue Club, Marjie Ducey now seeks to expand its ranks by having Niah dime on Chet Ballard’s “friend” on the school board. Presumably that’s the aforementioned Carol, who really hasn’t acted very friendly toward Chet. I guess offering advice to mind his own business instead of immediately ratting him out to the rest of the school board qualifies as friendship in the high-stakes world of school administration.

Having freed himself of the burden of confronting anyone directly, Gil can finally turn attention back to his day job… coaching sportsball. Gil’s been spending so much time sleuthing that he’s forgotten about preparing his amazingly one-loss Mudlarks for their upcoming tilt against Jefferson. That lack of preparation should lead to a blowout loss at the hands of the Jeffs, which will serve Gil twofold:

  1. The loss will eliminate Milford from the playdowns, keeping Gil from having to prep for football and basketball concurrently;
  2. With the game out of reach, he can give Charlie Roh plenty of touches in garbage time, then wait to overhear more of Ballard’s self-incriminating postgame babble to his stepson.

Join us tomorrow for another episode of Gil Thorp Mysteries. Maybe Gil will have recruited a wisecracking ghost and an anthropomorphic animal or two into his posse by then.

November 12, 2019

Elephant? What Elephant? In This Room?

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Drinking my Maxwell House one day, puttin’ the vinyl “Double Fantasy” on the turntable

 

People say it’s silly

Lost and confused

 

TWIMers think it’s messy

Blowing my fuse

 

When Chet exclaims with a straight beard

That Dumbo’s not around

I flip a coin between Gil and Chet

For who’s the bigger clown

 

I’m just sittin’ here watchin’ this plot spin ’round ‘n’ ’round

I really loathe this cruddy show

 

May we depart this hopeless merry-go-round

We just got to let it go

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Bruce Wayne Is Removed As A Suspect In Batman Case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Transportation Board spokesman said that Batmobile required a B License Endorsement, something not presently in Mr. Wayne’s possession.”

 

Okay, let me first throw my hat in the ring on the legitimate comments by our TWIMers in relation to education and the newspapers.

It has been my experience that the bigger cities (100,000 or more) are able to sustain a newspaper with its own education reporter. My own city I grew up in, which was in the category I mentioned above, has had for several years and currently has a beat writer covering the news pertaining to schools in the area.

The problem I personally am encountering here is, based on my experiences with reading Gil Thorp (“More fun than a barrel of monkeys”) , Milford is about the size of, say, Vincennes, Indiana or Henderson, Kentucky, 2 cities able to sustain a Wal-Mart and possibly a Kohl’s or Home Depot but still only capable of supporting one public high school and occasionally, as in Vincennes’ case, a private high school, Rivet (Rih-VAY), a Catholic High School.

Therefore, it’s dicey whether the Small Town Gazette is going to carry it’s own education section or have the financial resources to support a reporter in a specialized field like education. Anything’s possible but again too dicey for me.

But this is Thorpiverse and anytime you can get a beat writer like Niah Peters in this case to sit on the upper left-hand drawer when it’s locked shut and discuss with “We’re unclear whether she’s the de facto editor” Ducey about the rhino that escaped Milford Petting Zoo, the logic I mentioned above might as well get thrown in the big pot at Milford High School cafeteria along with the other ingredients in the 12 cans of Campbell’s Chunky Vegetable. Use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop.

And WHO ELSE do you go to if you suspect a problem? I always thought that’s what School Board meetings are for. If there’s a strong suspicion (and this one’s arm pits are smellin’ PRETTY STRONG) that someone’s not on the up-and-up, what else CAN YOU DO? If the rhino is not in the petting area with the rest of the lambs and goats to feed a bottle of formula, do you go to Bozo the Pope and tell him a rhino is NOT in the room with the elephant? I always thought that’s what a zoo director is for. But let me cross-reference my sources. I’ll get back with you on that one.

Then there’s Janis Ian talking to someone with a neo-Jefferson Airplane hairdo-OH THAT’S MARJIE “SCOOP” DUCEY-about the possible repercussions should they challenge Chet to a toro fight at Milford Municipal Bull Ring. I think the gist of the conversation is that el toreador would be flattened by Big Butt Ballard, beard and all, should they go the procedural route. Okay, okay, I know some of you hoity-toitys out there think they shouldn’t ignore protocol and you might have a point.

But I gotta be fair about this and I am therefore enlisting the aid of Dragnet once again to see if we can resolve this one.

1:29PM. It was cool in Milford. The city had just been hit with snow flurries that tapered off right in line with our investigation. Bill and I were transferered over to the Recreational and Athletic Suspicious and Unwarranted Activity Division of the Juvenile Delinquent Department. The boss is Captain Peters.

We were advised to be on the alert for occurences at the Milford football games in relation to a one Chet Ballard. He was believed to be harboring dirty laundry and illegal records pertaining to one of his stepson’s teammates, Chance Macy. Witnesses said they saw him loading that stuff with a spade shovel in his trunk. We could nail him on Milford Penal Code Section 34 Article 9 Clause 103 “Illegal and Unlawful Work-Related Incidents with Intent to Self-Promote Family and Self, Including Domesticated Animals in Household” but without a search warrant, the only other way we could get him to open his trunk and display the spare records and spare tire was if he lost his key and asked me and Bill for a crowbar. The investigation was running colder than a Bucket Slushee.

Captain Peters suggested I talk to the School Superintendent. A fair proposition. One problem. While conversing with him and Gil down at the Milford Lounge, he informed me (the superintendent, not Gil) that this was out of his bailiwick. His job was to make sure the cafeteria ladies at Milford High had plenty of Handi-Wipes when handling the cheeseburgers so kids wouldn’t contract E. Coli or procure slaughterballs for gym class at Milford Elementary out of the catalogue of Classroom Paraphenalia. Fighting a guy whose razor had seen better days and was now shaving cow hairs for better milk production was not his cup of tea or the flask of Jack he was imbibing. The superintendent wasn’t going to get his retirement doing the right thing even if a sleazeball knew how to work the system the way he maneuvered his Trac II.

“Bill, let’s go get something to eat.”

“What about the case?”

“Hopeless. I could run him out of town on a Section 97 “Unwarranted and Illegal Entry into Public Building” but he could say he was in the Milford School Corporation Annex because his diarrhea medicine was kicking in and the Milford Park Public Unisex House was shut down for the season.”

“Back to square one, aren’t we?”

“Looks that way.”

“I heard the Superintendent tips pretty good at Milford Lounge, I’ll say that for him.”

“We could use some tips from him, all right”

Obligatory somber Dragnet music pipes in

 

Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared In Batman Case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I asked the judge if he could see me in my blue Fruit of the Loom’s fightin’ The Riddler. I think that was the turning point.”

 

People say it’s stupid

Lacking a clue

 

TWIMers call it tepid

Ridiculous too

 

When the hippo dances with the crocs

And crush the furniture

Because nobody bothers to duly note

Chet’s self-imprimatur

 

We’re just sittin’ here watchin’ this plot drag ’round ‘n’ ’round

We’re gettin’ dizzy from all the snow

No need to further prod this merry-go-round

Why don’t we let it go.

 

THE HAND IS BACK

 

You Dark Shadows junkies like yours truly know exactly what I’m talking about.

And what a bad time for it to return, participating in a meaningless and pointless discussion that really shouldn’t be on the agenda in the first place. Heck, send The Hand to scare the living daylights out of Chet like it did us Shadows junkies, otherwise, it might as well be doing Karaoke in P2

At 2:34 A.M. in Chet’s bedroom

“You were always on my minddddddddd-”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA, GIL, I KNOW IT’S LATE BUT I CONFESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I POCKMARKED CHANCE MACY’S TRANSCRIPTS SO CHARLIE COULD START AT RUNNING BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE REALLY DIDN’T FLUNK ‘METALS FOR LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENTS’ OR ‘ADVANCE LATIN’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST GET IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“Who was that?”

Gil half-asleep

“I think it was Chet. Something about Chance not getting a D- in Geometry 2 because some hand was grabbing his butt and giving him a wedgie.”

 

Well, if anybody has a better suggestion…

Otherwise, we can always call The Orkin Man as long as we’re going to eliminate valid options. The School Board room is going to look silly because it has personnel either on the School Board or in the Administration Building not willing to observe proper practices because it’s overthinking and overlooking the obvious, along with our cub reporters, but the room will be roach-free. I think that’s an even trade-off.

 

And as for P3, Mr. Lennon proves a song is worth a thousand words

People say it’s cheesy

Got bad reviews

 

TWIMers hate the premise

Yesterday’s news

 

When we fear a gutless myrmidon

With scruples in his beard

School Board regulations

Go the way of a rabic steer

 

We’re just sittin’ here watchin’ this tripe fling ’round ‘n’ ’round

We really hate the rigamarole

Why don’t we cease and switch to basketball

We just have to let it roll

 

WE JUST HAVE TOOOOOOOOOOO LET IT ROLL

Got message?

 

Because I’m a Classic Rock fan who saw Hard Rock in an ad but learned that they were referring to a man’s Erectile Dysfunction and the healing powers thereof

In the basement den late one night, the door double-locked, Coach Shaw blasting The Who

“Honnneeeeyyyyyyy, My ears are scorched and so are my flashes. It’s time to come to beddy bye and have some funnnnnnnnnnn.”

“Not now, Mrs. Shaw, I’m practicing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Honey, What are you breaking? I hope it’s not the Chippendale chair that belonged to my grandfather.”

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Shaw, I have a vise grip that’s holding all these light bulbs I bought at McShane’s Hardware. I’m pretendin’ I’m Pete Townshend and I’m doing a killer windmill with this ukulele, when I’m not smashing it to bits…

LONG LIVE ROCK, I NEED IT EVERY NIGHT

LONG LIVE ROCK

BE DEAD OR ALIVE

 

“Darling, we can do ‘Live at Leeds’ another time. Why don’t you Rock ‘n’ Roll with me?”

“Just when Won’t Get Fooled Again’ s on the turntable? How can you profane a classic like Who’s Next? Heck, I’m doing the part where Keith’s taking a leak at Stonehenge or wherever they hauled that rock from.”

I’LL TIP MY HAT TO THE NEW CONSTITUTION

TAKE A BOW FOR THE NEW REVOLUTION

 

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Them GE 100-Watt Heat Lamp bulbs will never know what hit ’em with me and Pete smashin’ ’em like overripe pumpkins. Ain’t that the name of a group?”

“Overripe Pumpkins?”

“I thought it was Smashing Cantaloupes”

“Dear, at any rate, at least Loony Moonie dropped his pants on the album cover.”

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Excusez-moi, Mrs. Shaw, but Roger and me just conked out a lava lamp while twirling our mikes. We’ll clean up the mess later.”

WHY SHOULD I CARE IF I HAVE TO

CUT MY HAIR

I’VE GOT TO MOVE WITH THE FASHION

OR BE OUTCAST

I KNOW I SHOULD FIGHT BUT MY OLD MAN

IS REALLY ALL RIGHT

AND I’M STILL LIVING AT HOME EVEN THO

IT WON’T LAST

“Honey, you won’t be living at home much longer either if you don’t perform a windmill on me.”

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Just when Quadrophenia is heating up!!!!!!!!!!! And I got some Gorilla-Gro that I applied on my chest so I can have a sexy front like Roger. King Kong twirling a mike to The Punk and The Godfather will drive even the teeny-boppers for Frankie wild. And damn, I thought the Overture would never end. Kinda like the game the other day.”

IF YOU COMPLAIN, YOU DISAPPEAR

JUST LIKE THE LESBIANS AND QUEERS

Coach Shaw blowing on song flute in a well-intentioned attempt to imitate Entwistle’s French horn interlude

YOU’LL START DANCING

 

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! I smashed my trophy case!!!!!!! Hope the antlers are OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“I had to learn the meaning of Hard Rock the hard way. And when my Significant Other was lamer than a dead snake in our back yard, no matter how many windmills I did, I knew it was time to come clean and get my butt down to Milford Men’s Clinic. With proven traetments and proper medication, I can now whip myself in a frenzy from Baba O’Riley and my wife is caught up in the whirlwind and lovin’ it. Isn’t it time you and Pete laid down your guitar and checked in? Your concerts will truly be hard as Rock. Only at The Clinic.”

 

Gang, thank you SO MUCH for your patience. Trying to work this blog in while juggling my new job is a challenge but as Coach Stuard taught me, you learn to get around it. I am thankful for loyal and patient readers like you TWIMers. God bless you all.

 

“IbelieveinMIRACLES

Where you from

You sexy thing-”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Gil, did you forget to go to The Clinic again???”

Turns off Hitachi Sound System in his office

“They were closed for the holiday.”

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Shaw Banned For Life From Milford Holiday Inn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Local resident drove the family station wagon into the swimming pool.”

November 11, 2019

The Education Beat

Filed under: Marjie Ducey, Substandard Sherlocks, Walking and Talking — nedryerson @ 6:34 am

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Last week, Gil shared his suspicions about Chet Ballard with Marjie Ducey. He was just “curious” if it was Chet who called the Milford Star with an anonymous tip about Chance Macy’s record of misbehavior in school.

Now it looks like Marjie is picking up the ball and running with it. There might be a story here! So she’s conferring with a new character, Niah. She’s an education writer at The Star.

What? I’m gonna have to let that sink in. There’s an “education writer” at The Star? Does Niah cover the school board? Has she ever covered any of the other weird goings on in the school system, like reality shows filming at Milford High or assorted school board blowhards getting smacked down by Coach Thorp? Given the idiocy that has gone on in Milford, I’m going to assume that up until this point, the press has not served as a bulwark against unethical practices in the school system. So I’m going to assume that the Star’s education beat probably just involves putting bus schedules and cafeteria menus in print. Which means Marjie might be on her own in developing solid sources.

Maybe Niah will prove me wrong. If she truly has a nose for a story like this, she might just snatch it away from Marjie and run with it in the hopes of raising her profile and getting out of Tank Town. Or maybe we could have a chick fight to lift us out of the doldrums.

November 9, 2019

“*69” or “Marjie Got Her Crank Yanked”

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Poor Marjie. Got a voicemail from a mysterious caller and can’t figure out who it was. If only there was some kind of technology that would allow someone to see who called them… technology that existed oh, say, a quarter of a century ago.

Really, does anyone think Chet has the wherewithal to use caller ID spoofing? He doesn’t even have the self-awareness to not blurt out broad hints that he knows Chance’s backstory within earshot of anyone who could make those hints have consequences.

Give Marjie some credit, though: she knew Gil thought Chet was the prank caller without him ever saying so. (Oh, wait, that’s called exposition.) As for Gil’s curiosity, nothing a little trip to the weight room showers faculty lounge wouldn’t fix. Time to put ol’ beardo Ballard on the defensive and start him on down the path off the school board and into the family doghouse.

Today’s post has an alternate title in homage to Rocky and Bullwinkle.

November 8, 2019

We heard you the first time dope.

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp, Marjie Ducey, Milford Weirdos, Mimi Thorp — robmize2013 @ 10:21 pm

After a month of farting around with these 2 players, all we know for sure is 99% of the school couldnt give a rats ass which one carries the ball on Friday nights.

How the hell is Chet sabotaging Chances workload on the field??

Gil is the coach. Gil decides who plays. Gil calls the plays. Gil controls the action.

Chet is a parent/spectator who yells in the stands. They always say, if you listen to the fans you’ll be sitting with them one day. Gil may finally be on that road.

Marjie’s back, and man she looks hot on Saturday.  (Yes I peeked. No. not there!)

October 26, 2019

So You’re Telling Me There’s A… Aw, Never Mind

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Just in time to coordinate with the return of The Addams Family to theaters, we get a cameo from Thing in today’s strip. Don’t tell me that disembodied left hand in P1 belongs to Gil or Chance Macy’s grandpa.  Too small and far away to be grandpa’s, too close and at an impossible angle to be Gil’s. Wait, wasn’t grandma sitting in between them yesterday? Maybe that’s her hand and she’s telling her husband to lay off the cookies. Don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night with heartburn, not when you have this whodunit to keep you up instead.

This could wrap up PDQ if Marjie saved the odd voicemail and Gil gives it a listen (or, as robmize pointed out yesterday, simply reverse looks up the number). He’d recognize that it was Chet Ballard from the Tiki Jansen fiasco* and the rest would be history. Still, that’d be too quick, wouldn’t it?

From the sound of things, Gil’s not gonna change his game plan as a result of the anonymous tip. It’ll be left to Chet to seek other means to discredit Chance, maybe by trying to make him “blowtop mad.” If this leads to Ballard childlishly taunting Chance on the sidelines then being thrown bodily out of the stadium by Kaz, it will have at least been worth a few laughs.

 

*Which would have made more sense in hindsight had Charlie Roh been a safety and not a running back.

 

 

October 25, 2019

An the editor of this strip sucks.

The way this strip is going it was only a matter of time before a literal mistake slipped past the editors. P1 Marjie says ‘And odd..’ instead of ‘an odd…’ Bing. (That was for Ned Ryerson)

So Chet Chit Chat decides to make an anonymous call to the Milford Star, describing what he saw in the files about Chance…. After at least 2 people advised him to leave everything alone and MYOB. He really listens huh? So he goes undercover so he wont be discovered as meddling, when in fact modern tracing techniques on voicemails can easily trace the call to him eventually.

So Marjie tells Gil, who then calls Chances parents ( Hey if he has a minute for Marjie, why cant they have at least 5 for him?) and visits their house to discuss the whole Chance backstory.

Now– good for Marjie for not running with a story by an anonymous source, but does she really take every goofy call she gets as a serious issue, passing the buck to someone else to do the actual investigating? At that rate, every teacher in the school would be busy de-fusing false rumors. Hey they got better things to do!

Why  doesnt Chet just come out and call Marjie himself and have her over at his house to tell the story, instead of keeping the whole thing a secret? Because everyone else told him to forget about it, and he wants to have his cake and eat it too, effectively. If the press finds out all these things about Chance, believe me even in a dopeland like Milford, they wont publish anything without knowing who leaked all the info.

I’m a little young to remember a lot about Watergate, but Chet reminds me of someone in that case.

Deepthroat.

October 24, 2019

Bluto Applies Gillette Foam When He Shaves With The Bottom Of The Cartoon Panel, Shouldn’t You?

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Marjie Ducey, Milford Idiots, Pissy faced Chet Ballard — tdrewhardin @ 3:24 am

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Aaaaaaa, there ain’t nuthin’ good on the Vulcan Channel, Milford Enquirer TV section says The Partridge Family is on A & E-hey, wait a minute, is that a basketball? And is that Mike Patrick and Dickie V? And it’s Thursday Night Showcase!!!! Boy, am I in luck.

“…they’re rockin’ and rollin’ here on the S.S. Enterprise!!!!!!!!!! Jatarvious Spock and Dr. McCoy, the best 1-2 combo in the universe, babyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!! The fleet is a Rolls-Royce program…”

Some things never change.

 

Let me get in my serious mode for a second. If Marjie can have one, so can I

The sad truth is, this shameful and disgraceful display of conduct performed by Chet Ballard hits too close to home. Anybody who has had kids in sports knows that people like this exist.

The one thing I have had the good fortune to encounter is all the City, Regional, and State Championships I have been a part of. I say that with all humility.

But the FIRST AND FOREMOST priority when dealing with kids in sports is KEEP ‘EM OFF THE STREETS. And that means many times swallowing your ego and realizing that even if the team is in last place, if your kid is enjoying him- or herself and giving his or her best, that is all you can ask for. Anybody who played for me knew to lay it all on the line, regardless of the score. Don’t half-ass things. I used to always say that you won’t regret it in 10 years. They understood.

So when you do win the hardware, it is sweetness, baby. Nothing wrong with braggin’ rights if you’ve done things the right way. You never want to be a bad example for kids.

So when I see idiots like Chet, I just cringe. Unfortunately, people like this Cretin exist and give kids’ sports a bad name. You know the type. It will sacrifice ethics and common sense just to promote its own selfish end. The Chets out there are like Esau in the Bible, they will sacrifice their good name all for a bowl of stew.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m like our high school cross country coach, winning isn’t everything, but losing sucks. But if I have to cross over a line just to get a kid’s trophy like Chet is doing, well, as Rick Nelson once sang, I’d rather drive a truck.

The good news is, what goes ’round, comes ’round’. I’ve seen the Chets get hoisted by their own petard. This one, sadly enough, will possibly be no exception.

 

That out of the way, Gang, aren’t you tired of the combo Flexart-by-Thorpiverse/Henri Matisse Still Life Rough Draft techniques method that is post-Berrill art class? The other day, Mrs. Ballard was a bitchin’ thang that do any ZZ Top video, particularly with Chet in “Sharp Head Man”

“…Crude beard

Cheap slacks

Man, his ethics give me a heart attack

 

Green ties

Steinway teeth

His ambitions on a Christmas wreath

 

She’s gonna go runnin’ just as fast as she can

Doris Day is married to the Sharp Head Man”

 

Ah, Eliminator always comes through when gouging crummy plots.

Anyhoo, today she is Dr. Spock’s oldest daughter with a waistline only a former cheerleader for the Mudlarks back in ’58 when Gil had hair (oops, he still has that Wailing Wall 6 decades later) could be proud of. The only thing missing is the Vulcan ears but I’m sure she’ll put them back on when dinner is ready. But then she STILL has that figure that only shows up at the Bingo Auction at Milford Senior Citizen Residential Center on Wednesday night. That’s right, Mrs. Ballard, don’t get mad, get Glad. And throw away Chet’s moral code if you have a spare.

 

Because I would never take up an offer of $20,000 to go through McKamey Manor, reported to be the scariest haunted house in the world (no, I am not signing 40 pages of documents-“I will not hold the company liable if I see Mimi sawed in two”- nor am I going to contrive a code word should Chet’s ethics be uglier than a werewolf when its son dropped the winning TD pass for the Mudlarks-“Gimme a barf bag!!!!!!!!! Gil’s coaching again!!!!!!!!!” “That’s the ticket. Show’s over. Refund the guy’s money and let him through the back gate.”)

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Shouts Out Safe Word After Touring The Kitchen Area Of The Bucket!!!!!!!!!!! Loses Free Supply Of Bucket Tuna Burgers For Life!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“‘I had to shout out ‘Barnabas Collins eats worms and Gil’s hair’ after seeing what they did with Bucket Squid Salad.'”

 

We now return to P1, Big Thursday, already in progress

“…look how Zulu sets up ball-you-man when the Klingon attempts to establish position on the low post FREEZE IT!!!!!!!!!!! The Klingon is taken out of position and has to resort to baseline fadeaways, something Captain Kirk diagrammed when defending against Khan’s team…”

And where does Chet find the time to sell insurance since he’s been digging into the dirt? That recliner chair he purchased from Stonehenge had to have been semi-expensive. Will he make the final payment by the time Charlie graduates. Pre-pay your loans, Chet, when you’re not imitating Geraldo.

And I still can’t get over that dude with the capuchin anchoring ESPN College Basketball. Is John Saunders the color man for Marty Moon at WDIG when Ernie the P has to study for his SAT’s? As long as we’re going to watch ESPN Super Tuesday feed into The Vulcan Network with Larry Conley and Roger Twibell commenting on the Arkansas/Missouri matchup, am I required to watch The Wrath of Kahn while a Mizzou goes up for a slam in Fayetteville?

“…and what a finish to an excellent back-door cut and the Razorback crowd is getting really antsy!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ohhhhhhhh, SLAM JAM BAM!!!!!!!!!!! Kahn is a real Diaper Dandy!!!!!!! I put him on my All-Bestie team!!!!!!!!! He’s a real space-eater, literally, in the court!!!!!!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhh, better get a T.O., Captain Kirk, I’m smellin’ a run!!!!!!!!!!!!”

You sort it out.

Then there’s those candles on the TV stand. They could only be of use when the power goes out and you still need to watch Big Monday, which is fed off of an auxiliary fuse box in the Bat Cave. I’ll admit it adds to the decor in the interim. It diminishes the scraggliness of the beard of a one Chet Ballard.

 

If ya shave with a sharpened butter knife that ya use ta open yore mail and then trim yore sideburns with the hedge clippers that ya use ta pare yore branches off the tree emanatin’ from yore neighbor’s yard, then use pine tar for after-shave, ya might be a redneck.

 

And anybody falling for Chet’s half-assed response in P2 has only his- or herself to blame if Chet warms the bed for Papa Bader. Which, BTW, works out well since I understand The Mean Machine needs an asshole defensive lineman to take Ted Cassidy’s place (Lurch to the common man) since the latter got paroled. Oh, I can see this one

“…and Chance Macy finds a hole, he’s at the 40, the 30, the 20, OMG!!!!!!!!!! Chet clotheslines him and sends Macy to La La Land!!!!!!!!!!!!”

At the sideline

I BROKE HIS F—IN NECK!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can watch the rest of the movie and see what happens.

The point is, this lukewarm response in P2 just to get his honey off his back can only be leaving a gap wider than the Milford & Oakwood Express to ride through. Anybody who believes differently, all I can say is that I have property full of Milford Beverage Warehouse shopping carts behind the Milford City Assessor’s Office to sell ya cheap.

 

On the sideline, Gil in obvious shock

“Kaz, I think he broke his F—IN neck.”

 

“…and the Broyhill said to the Ethan Allen, ‘What do I look like, two sorry-ass slabs of limestone that folds into a cot when you’re done reclining after Wednesday Night Hoops between Carolina and Duke and you drift off to sleep?”

“Gil, I’m going to break YOUR F—IN neck if you don’t come to bed.”

 

“…and Scotty has just done a phenomenal job with this program. The S.S. Enterprise has just taken the Klingons out of what they want to do. He’s a candidate for a  head coaching job somewhere, I understand Purdue and Louisville have been talking…”

 

Then Marjie comes out of nowhere, might as well be The Vulcan Network, to talk with Gil. And after Gil exhanges funnys with Marjie, we assume we’re going to get down to the nitty-gritty of how she slipped to Gil’s office without a hall pass.

And what else could it be but very likely to do with Chet’s shenanigans? What ELSE has been going on this season? And I’m curious where Marjie would be getting her information if that indeed is the case. Was she imitating Plastic Man and seeping into the water cooler and observing Chet’s lack of ethics while he was Xeroxing Chance’s transcript from his third grade academic record? I’m sure punching the music teacher’s lights out because she was criticizing Chance’s rendition of “Trouble” from The Music Man (“NOOO!!!!!!! It’s not ‘…and rhymes with ‘Z’ and that spells TROUBLE…'”) but no way am I getting doused with Perrier just to get the smackdown on somebody. But I’m getting the sneakin’ suspicion that’s where we’re headed (“Gil, I think Chance broke The Music Man’s F—IN neck!!!!!!!!!”) . Hoo boy.

Who won the ball game, BTW? Enterprise in OT? Not surprised. Khan lost a lot to graduation.

 

“And Charlie Roh has done admirably, given the overbearing nature of his step-father. I wouldn’t call him ‘Dad’ either. Just names I can’t say on the air. I’ve already been suspended once. We’ll be back after these messages, with the score, Milford, 34, Generic Team of the Week, zip. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“Can you believe that The Bucket is trying to be a haunted house? It’s bad enough that the absentee owner won’t give up after the Milford Beverage Commission voted down his request for a liquor license again. What do they hope to accomplish by turning it into The Munsters’ residence?

“Hi, this Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. All I can say is that if you have to have spider webs by the Hamilton Beach Smoothie Blender, something that was ALREADY there before they started decorating, it’s because they are despearte and are lapping up to the best deals this half of the comic page.

Check out these deals. A 24-pack of Drewery’s Smooth, a scary bargain at 18.99 and we’ll even throw in a bag of Milford Confectionary Pepper Corns if you bring the family. Hey, the family that shops for booze together,. stays together, the way I look at it. Yeah, let The Bucket try to match that one. I understand they got Charlie Brown’s rocks when they went to the Beverage Commision meeting even trying to turn it into The Amityville Horror. No pigs are going to fly out of the Bucket Popcorn machine and scare anybody, c’mon.

And Smirnoff Money and Cigarettes 30 Ounce Premium Vodka, A Russian way to salute Eric Clapton? Oh, Let It Rain for only $15.49. And if The Bucket says they can sneak that to customers when Frankenstein is scaring away the Commission’s children, don’t believe them. Everybody knows Kanamits are good actors. The Bucket couldn’t sell the stuff at that price when the Kanamits tried to imitate Count Dracula.

Then we still have our usual BOGO specials, guaranteed even to please even the most discriminating Blatz connoisseur. That’s right, buy one Falls City Dark ‘n’ Dirty 12-pack at regular price, get the second one FREE. Shoot, you know where I’m going after I leave the studio here and it isn’t down to the Poltergeist Fun House-wannabe that The Bucket is attempting to promote. I’ll pass on the BOGO Ticket Special to see the Wicked Witch of the West in person. She overdosed her hair on VO5 anyway.

Come on down and see a REAL business and get a slice of The Good Life while you’re at it. If you’re into The Mothman Prophecy and believe he’ll be signing autographs and footin’ the tab on Bucket Burgers after he scared the shit out of people, well, good luck. I understand the Bud truck is still in the parking lot and the reason why it’s there is to get a Bucket Banana Split. The Commission won’t go any further.

Come get your own Milk and Honey where the Commission has OK’d the pipeline and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

All right, Gang, have at it. And if you still want that Brooklyn Bridge, it’s still for sale.

 

AHHHHHHHHH IT’S GOT ME!!!!!!!!! I KNOW THE SAFE WORD!!!!!!!!! JERRY PULVER KILLED THE RADIO STAR!!!!!!!!!-“Marty Moon, what are you doing at The Bucket Amityville Horror?”

“What does it look like? I’m ordering from the menu. Haven’t had a bite all day. Waiter, can you do a Bucket Burger medium-rare…”

 

Speaking of Marty Moon

Middle of 2nd quarter

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, I THINK HE BROKE HIS F—IN NECK

 

Later, in the Station Manager’s office at WDIG

“I swear, the word was blanked out. you could only see the ‘F’.”

 

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