This Week in Milford

August 28, 2021

Goodbye Marjie D

Filed under: Marjie Ducey, song parody — teenchy @ 4:45 pm

Goodbye Marjie D
Though I never knew you at all
You never really showed yourself
When Gil would play roll call
You covered all the Mudlarks
Boys and girls, treated all the same
You gave them equal billing
It became your claim to fame

And it seems to me you did your job
Like a true professional
Never losing your composure
When the news got dull
And I would have liked to have known you
But because of some kid
You got your buyout long before
Marty Moon ever did

Chet Ballard was tough
The toughest nut you ever cracked
Tried to clear a path for Charlie Roh
But you knew he was a hack
When you broke the news
Oh, the press belonged to you
Front page of the Milford Star
Was there nothing that Marjie couldn’t do?

And it seems to me you did your job
Like a true professional
Never losing your composure
When the news got dull
And I would have liked to have known you
But because of some kid
You got your buyout long before
Marty Moon ever did

Goodbye Marjie D
Though I never knew you at all
You never really showed yourself
When Gil would play roll call
Goodbye Marjie D
From the old guy with the snarky comics blog
Who thinks you never failed the Bechdel Test
You were like a beacon in a fog

And it seems to me you did your job
Like a true professional
Never losing your composure
When the news got dull
And I would have liked to have known you
But because of some kid
Your got your buyout long before
Marty Moon ever did
Your got your buyout long before
Marty Moon ever did

(apologies, well, you know)

August 26, 2021

She Went Out Through The Bathroom Window.

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Heather Burns, Marjie Ducey — tdrewhardin @ 12:00 pm

No, no, no. Please say it ain’t so.

Yes, I understand Marjie’s desire for retirement. My mom worked at the phone company for thirty-one years, the first twenty-three as a service rep, the last eight handling the lines (as in she was now blue-collar and dealing with things like downed telephone wire) . And I will never forget her last day ever. I called her on her extension at work and this is the message I received

“Hello, this is Jacqueline Hardin. I am officially retired after today and am cleaning out my locker and desk of personal items. If you need assistance, you can call our manager at 1-800-XXX-XXXX. IT’S BEEN REAL.”

CLICK!!!

So okay, Marjie will be doing no more crawling through heating vents or munching Sloppy Joes and will be riding off into the sunset. Happy retirement, Marjie. It’s been unreal.

But do we have to endure Heather year-round because we were ready for her to railroad her conflict-of-interest, i.e., coach along with Gilberto while ripping his behind on the front page of the sports section, then seek greener pastures elsewhere and be somebody else’s reason to take an extra dosage of Tums. Now we’re the ones that are going to have to load down on the antacids. Twenty years of see-sawing back and forth between yelling at a teenager for dropping a pass (LOOK IT ALL THE WAY IN THE TUCK!!!!!!!!!) , then yelling at him in the headlines in the Milford Star (LOOK IT ALL THE WAY IN THE TUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) ? And if she grows a beard, oh my, she might take over as editor. Better mail-order that Maalox.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Takes Exception To Article By Heather Burns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I never rubbed Ben-Gay on my crotch, I don’t care how stiff I was after the flag football game.”

And what better way to celebrate Marjie’s presumably early retirement than to sit like a convoluted piece of copper wire wrapped around herself? To manage this fait d’accomplait and sit on a piece of furniture designed for Gumby and Pokey and Prickle when they need to speak to the editor has my amazement and bewilderment in one fell swoop. The technique is one I will borrow the next time I leave my keys in the car and the doors are locked and I need to twist a coat hanger every which way. You and Heather have given me some ideas.

Even the footwear is in on the act. Heather is fashionably decked in shoes that are normally reserved for horses, perhaps when the Kentucky Derby rolls around. It is entertaining to watch Heather in her own wrap-around effect anchored by rhinoceros feet. I wrap wire around a battery cable end based upon the leg-twisting procedures that Heather and Marjie are currently exhibiting. And I love Marjie’s crude caveman profile in P1. Cro-Magnon man with the lower appendages able to lasso a deer, again, you’ve given me some ideas.

If ya git early retirement at Milford Foundry after 28 years of lightin’ the furnace and ya had ta git out before yore whole dang face burned off so ya could eat Cheerios and biscuits in the mornin’, ya might be a redneck.

What is scary is that this sharp, strong young woman could be in Doctor Pearl’s office one day, sitting on that same piece of furniture that the Kuebler Elves bought on a close-out sale at Milford Goodwill with Gil drinking his Folgers out of his GIL mug, engaging in roughly the same conversation. Oops, sorry, my bad, Heather, didn’t mean to spill my Folgers all over your horseshoes. BTW, you know how to design plays? How to be diplomatic when the jerk on the other end of the phone keeps cussin’ because his son is a 3rd-string right tackle when he should be a 3rd-string tight end? How to line up the secondary on a blitz? How to tell Coach Kaz he needs to go easy on the Old Spice? The players could smell his cologne 50 yards away. How to talk to the press? How to tell Marty Moon that his beard has Carnation Creamer stains when he starts laying into the team? You do?

Dr. Pearl, I am ready to retire after 60 years on the job.

Wishful thinking.

I think Gil’s job is safe and Dr. Pearl will not induce him into an early buyout.

And what would Gil do?

“Dr. Pearl, I haven’t fly-fished in 60 years. There’s a cubbyhole in Mudlark Lake right by the entrance that is just perfect. Nobody goes there and I can sit on my lawn chair and sip a Bud and hope for a bite.”

“Gil, you pretty much do that when you coach.”

Okay, scratch that

“Dr. Pearl, I’ve always wanted to be a missionary. I want to go to the jungles of Africa or the Andes in South America and preach the Gospel and teach them how to shoot a free throw.”

“I didn’t know you were a licensed minister.”

“I’m not. But the kids think I’m God so what would be any different in some remote village in Rwanda?”

That may be stretching things

“Dr. Pearl, I want to spend more time with the kids. I love teaching them how to putt and look forward to that the next 60 years.”

“I should be around then. I might drop by.”

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Elementary Forced To Let Out School Early Yesterday!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Principal: ‘The children were bouncing off the wall. This will be the last time we serve Gerber Cheese Poppers.”

More shenanigans with the freak hands today as Marjie is engineering a tearful goodbye using the hand that is growing out of her left knee. The fact that she can bend her wrist to the point where she can fold it in her purse is nothing short of admirable. Nice to know she can take it out of purse on a moment’s notice. Then there is another generic plaque on the wall. Now WHAT could that entail?

“Milford Monthly Editor of the Year”

Folks, there’s only one paper (disregard Milford Enquirer for the moment) . There really wasn’t a lot of competition on this one.

“Milford Sanitation Solutions Trash Pickup Street Cleaning Volunteer of the Year”

Well, c’mon, there’s more competition in the mix. The editor has to be on his horse on this one. He couldn’t just pick up a couple of beer bottles and somebody would just automatically hand the plaque to him at the awards ceremony.

“Milford Mudlark Fantastic Fan for 2019-Best Sportsmanship Category”

He was the only one who didn’t throw paper Coke cups at Gil during the late stages of the game. Oh, and laid off the refs.

“Best Newspaper in the Valley Conference”

“The selection was rigged. The editor would not publish Tod Andrews’ extramarital affairs as a quid pro quo.

“Best Freak Appendages in the Valley Conference”

Whoa Hoss, I think we’re talking Marjie here.

“And when I recite this incantation, Gil will rise up from the dead. Abra cadabra, Gil couldn’t coach out of a Glad bag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Easy, Gil, let go of the sorcerer’s neck.”

And by all indications in P3, Heather will be crawling through more than the heating network in Gil’s office. If there is a shuffleboard tournament at Milford Senior Living Center, expect Heather to pull a Marjie straight out of the grille on the wall laeding from the Central Air unit. Only the Trane service technician will be spending more time there. You know the Milford T-Ball League All-Comers Invitational? Expect an interview with the Invitational MVP. And if you see mud all over her person as she’s taking a lunch break at The Diner, she has probably been a little too close to the action at Milford Tractor Pull at the County Fair.

And how she is going to be Scoop Burns and still, as mentioned before, assist Coach Thorp in football is a $64,000 question that is left as a tip for Maureen at The Diner. But you know there’s devil in the details so I look forward to this plot dragging for the next couple of months as to how this is all going to work out. Preferably by the time Gil serves Sloppy Joes.

“And we’ll be back to see if Heather accepts the marriage proposal and/or the job offer by the editor after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“Shoot, I hope Heather takes the job. I just am really not sure about her marrying the editor. It wasn’t a shotgun proposal from the way I hear it from my sources. I’d hate to deal with an assistant coach with a lot on her plate besides Sloppy Joes.

But I have issues far more significant than burnt Manwiches at Divorce Court. Hi, this is Coach Thorp here on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. The Bucket is at it again with their smear tactics after failing once again to convince the Milford Zoning Commission that they could sell Bucket Burgers and wash it down with Bucket Booze. A little bird told me they couldn’t get their chiel attorney out of the correctional institute by the hearing date.

So when they can’t clear Perry Mason of extortion like Rapid Refund, they have to conjure lies and half-truths. I had to sit down on these false accusations. They had the gall to posit that we sell alcoholic beverages indiscriminately to the infantile generation. Man, where’d they get their information, H.R. Pufenstuf???? Let me set your mind at ease, we will NEVER sell alcohol to anyone below the legal age. We have security officers that card every one who makes a purchase of our fine golden elixir and if they don’t match the photo on the driver’s license, we’re not buying it and neither are they. That’s right, Beaver Cleaver, don’t come in with Ward’s driver’s license and expect to walk out with a bottle of Jack, even if you ran the Visa through the machine.

And that’s why The Warehouse wants to keep things separate with a fantastic new deal. For every purchase of Coors Lite or Miller Lite in the 30-Pak, 12-Fluid Ounce at a ridiculous $16.99, you will get absolutely free Gerber Cheese Balls, Ages 18-24 Months. We know some of you love The Good Life but also love being fathers. Heck, I remember feeding my kids Ritz Crackers while sipping on a Bud. You talk about quality time.

But some of you go at changing diapers with a vengeance and only want the hard stuff for said occasion. No problemo, We got Jim Beam Kentucky Straight Bourbon at a bargain and with the Manufacturers Coupon, you will get a discount on the liquor and the Pampers, all for $20.99. Oh, and we’ll throw in a free bag of Gerber Beer Nuts, Ages 24 Months And Over. Nothing like bonding with the little ones with the simple pleasures handy.

And you wine-and-cheesers will enjoy this. Our wine prices have been slashed to the bone and they are selling like Gerber Hot Cakes, Ages 15-18 Months. Come buy a bottle of San Gregorio Single Vineyard Loma Gorda Old Vine Garnacha Marchese di Borgosole and The Warehouse will give you absolutely free Playskool Wee Ones Wine Glasses Ages 17-24 Months plus a package of Gerber Old Toussaint Brie, Ages 16-19 Months. All for $9.99 plus tax, what are you waiting for?

Let The Bucket sling mud all they want, until they can get a hold of the Milford Bail Bondsman, they are trapped in their own vicious storytelling and up to their neck in Gerber Beer Nuts, Ages 24 And Over. But we have more than proven you can have you booze and drink it too and still not get fined by City Hall for illegally catering to children. Come get your goodies for you and your infants and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

No, Gang, it’s TWO openings down the vent until Heather gets through the bathroom window. Gil will wait, either way.

But God bless you, Gang.

“Now that Heather has agreed to take my job, is there anyway I can take the couch as a retirement gift? I have guests over for tea and scones every other Saturday.”

“Of course. We just debugged it last week.”

August 25, 2021

Institutionalized

“We’re wondering, Heather – have you ever considered circular breathing? See how I can talk to you while snorting my coffee?”

“Why? Will you give me a job if I do?”

“Yes, we’ll give you my job.”

“But… you’re an institution!”

“No, but if I don’t blow this Popsicle stand soon I might be in an institution. All I wanted was a retirement package, and he wouldn’t give it to me!”

“Seriously though, I got a lead from Mr. Bakst on a sweet condo outside of Charleston. Once you accept, I’ll be out of here quicker than you can say ‘shrimp and grits.'”

Can it be? Rubin’s gonna retire a long-running character to make way for a new one?

Faithful TWIMer (and host of his own Gil Thorp blog) Mopman predicted in yesterday’s comments that the Star would offer Heather a gig, rather than a job, “providing the ‘inside scoop’ for a season of Mudlark football” à la ESPN’s Hard Knocks. That might be an option, but then what becomes of Marjie? Once editor guy realizes Heather can add more to the Star’s sports reporting than simply reciting a list of names Gil reels off to her, Marjie’s fate is sealed. Lower pay, fewer benefits, no more employer-funded pensions – it’s a no-brainer!

Know what else is a no-brainer? Including the phrase “conflict of interest” in at least one panel between now and Saturday. Let’s see if it happens!

August 23, 2021

Correct. There Is No Story Here.

Filed under: Marjie Ducey, Peering Over Eyeglasses — nedryerson @ 3:25 am

Marjie’s hair has returned to it’s normal color, but the rest of this is another rehash. The Carter Hendricks affair was not a story but Heather Burns has good instincts and knows how to google stuff. Marjie’s free floating hand waves between her and her editor and she declares, “So let’s hire her.”

Cue the sad trombones. Somebody with actual experience turning bullshit into news has found their way to Milford and won the job. I think the body language of Marjie’s editor peering over his glasses says I do the hiring around here, honey, and don’t you need to be getting a a starting lineup dictated to you by Gil Thorp, hmmm?

I don’t know where this leaves us. Heather might consider the hospital PR job or do the sensible thing and broaden her job search to a geographical area broader than the area surrounding Milford. I’m sure something impressive will fall into her lap in the next week. She is Impressive Heather Burns after all!

August 21, 2021

I Love Ducey

Now’s the time all America waits for; that one evening each week where we all sit down to watch the latest hijinks from American’s favorite wacky redhead sports reporter. Wacky… redhead… sports… reporter…

Wait, what?

Okay, Whigham, start ‘splainin’.* As for the rest of you gentle readers, why do you suppose Marjie’s a redhead today?

  1. She noticed John Jawor had dyed his hair yesterday and didn’t want him to feel self-conscious so she dyed hers in solidarity.
  2. She’s going to cosplay as Velma Dinkley at Central City Comic-Con this coming weekend.
  3. The Milford Star has a one-blonde-per-staff quota and since Heather Burns has all but gone through new hire orientation, Marjie got the hint that she’s old news.

You know, maybe it is time for new blood at the Star. When your sports reporter starts writing on her laptop screen with a ballpoint pen, you gotta think she might no longer be the sharpest knife in the drawer. When all she can do is regurgitate the lists of player names Gil spouts to her, someone who knows how to use the Google is at the next level. When she dares contradict the all-powerful Gil Thorp when he wants to publicly shame a small-time golf hustler, she might want to polish up that résumé.

Tune in next week when Heather Burns spruces up her new desk in the Star newsroom while a mysterious redhead applies for a night shift waitressing job at Janet’s Diner. When Maureen asks, “Hey, hon, you look familiar. What’s your name?” the mysterious redhead replies “Margo. Margo Duchesne.”

*Contrary to popular belief, Desi never said to Lucy “you got some ‘splainin’ to do!”

August 12, 2021

Are U Experienced (At Sitting On Furniture)?

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Heather Burns, Marjie Ducey, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 3:17 am

Aw, just when we were getting Titleist-deep in the MCC/Carter Hendricks wagering saga, we have to cut away to the other plot element, Heather burns seeking employment.

At the Milford Star, Dale and Marjie have a quick chat at the coffee urn about the impressive Heather Burns. It kinda sounded like Heather had a good chance at this plum, entry level print media job, but maybe I read sweaty Marjie the wrong way when she previously spoke to Heather. Yeah, Dale. She lacks experience, but do you have a long line of seasoned journalists beating a path to your door, itching to cover Milford Library Board meetings? Are you prepared to offer an attractive salary to lure proven talent away from bigger media markets? I don’t think so Dale. Now be careful with that coffee. You’re splashing it all over and your mom doesn’t work here so you need to clean up after yourself (and don’t you dare leave that mess for Marjie or there will be hell to pay!)

In the meantime, impressive Heather Burns discovers something on her laptop. Is it a groupon for half off subs at the Sub Standard? a pop-up ad for the Chunky Bracelet Emporium? an email with an incredible job offer from an industrial solvent firm? a dick pic from Cart Hendricks? I guess we’ll find out.

Hey Heather, are you experienced?

July 28, 2021

What Happened to Janet?

So it’s now the
Milford Diner?
It’s no longer
Named for Janet?
‘Cause it must be
Janet’s Diner
There can’t be
one more in Milford

An old stomping
ground for Heather
Not like she
doesn’t know the place
And like a
chronic illness
there’s still
that snoop Maureen

So what’s up with
Marjie Ducey?
Does she have
the inside angle?
Did she get it
From Dale Parry?
‘Cause she didn’t
Interview her

Don’t you think
It’s kinda weird
That they’re talking
About work
When Heather has
no job offer?
It seems
so premature

“You say you
were an intern
Can you make
a cup of coffee?
See, I am
The top reporter
I’m not giving
up that title”

“So you’d better
find another role
Like selling
website ad space
You don’t see me
Coaching football players!
You should
Just stay in your lane!”

“Hey Ms. Ducey –
I mean ‘Marjie’ –
I’m not gunning
for your title
I’m just trying
to earn money
Since Coach Thorp
Ain’t payin’ bupkis

“I have covered
boring meetings
Filled with all the
Self-important
Like that blowhard
Abel Brito
I think
I get the drift”

“Well alright,
then it’s settled
You can go case
the Country Club
I’ve heard that
There’s been gambling
And it’s not
the legal kind…”

“So if you break the story…
And we publish it
Under my byline…”

“I’ll pick up the next drink tab
and you can save some dough…”

July 26, 2021

Please, Call Me The Milford Star’s Marjie

Filed under: Heather Burns, Make and Model Mystery Mobile, Marjie Ducey — nedryerson @ 6:11 am

The chance run-in between Heather Burns and The Milford Star’s Marjie Ducey continues. Marjie seems to have some inside knowledge of Heather’s prospects of getting hired at The Star. Marjie’s always seemed like a sensible person, not likely to blow smoke up someone’s butt. Maybe the job offer is a done deal. If this is the case and Heather has a paying job waiting for her, the next question is, will she still dick around with one of Gil’s unpaid coaching gigs. The obvious answer to that question should be, fuck no. Why bother with that? If she was really serious about being involved in coaching, why not do some graduate work in the collegiate ranks and actually build a legitimate resume? I suppose the counter argument would weigh the prospects of building a career in print journalism at this precarious time for that field, but still, Gil’s compensation package is going to be wanting compared to anything else. C’mon Heather, don’t be a chump.

I don’t know if today’s mystery car is the same as yesterday’s mystery car. Of course all the colors have changed (including Heather and Marjie’s clothing) and the usual discontinuous perspective is a given. The logo might be the current Nissan logo. I won’t speculate further because I’m just not a car guy. The other mystery is whether that license plate is an actual randomly lettered/numbered plate or just the standard MST 3K in substandard definition.

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