This Week in Milford

October 30, 2020

Dumb and Dumber (questions)

So the final damages were 57-13. Folks, I’ve been to many high school football games. And a game like this, where you know who’s gonna win 5 minutes into the game, and almost all the fans leave after the halftime show, is not a good show. 1 game I saw 2 people leaving in the First quarter after the home team was ahead 28-0. Joliet Catholic once beat St. Joseph 84-0, after leading 52-0 at halftime. They finally put in a running clock in my state after a team is ahead by more then 35 points in the second half. A QB who played for both Illinois and Iowa named Jon Beutcher had a running clock almost every game his senior year for Wheaton- Warrenville South. But he was worth the price of admission he was so good.

A good show is a 13-12 nailbiter or a 45-42 shootout, close to the end. Not a steamroller annihilating the downtrodden opposition, who usually barely have enough players to keep 11 bodies on the field, and who are just trying to get out of there in 1 piece.

Yet Gil calls passes for the 3rd stringer after calling only runs for the 2nd guy. Hmmmm. Yeah Marty its a dumb question – who the hell cares how you finish a game like this, but you needed to ask Gil where those calls were last week when your backup disobeyed you. And if you’re so good, you should be able to get through the season with 2 qb’s. Again, I watched high school football for decades, and can barely remember any injuries to the qb during the game. They generally played the whole game, lifted only to let the backup hand off a few times. I dont recall a single 3rd stringer playing a down. So Gils logic is pretty weak. If anything the SECOND stringer should get the reps here.

Finally we have the sulking Corinna in the hallways – why the fuck should she explain why she wasnt at that yawner? Kick his ass CK and stuff him in a locker to boot.

October 28, 2020

Dueling Bad Jokes

Hard to believe there could be a worse team than Milford in the Valley, innit? Yet here we are. Wonder why we never see anyone else in the conference use some archaic formations, defensive schemes or kung fu treachery to make up for their shortcomings against Milford. Most likely because Gil hasn’t updated his playbook for this century and would be equally ready for those plays.

How will this play into our blossoming quarterback controversy? Easily. The Thayer-led Mudlarks will open up a big lead on Central, then Gil will relent and put Rapson in to mop up. Still trying to convince Gil he’s the better talent, Rapp will again defy Gil, call an audible and run a big-yardage play for a score. Gil benches Rapp permanently, Central’s coach accuses Gil of running up the score after the final whistle, and things get ugly.

At least that will offer up more excitement than Friday night at Casa Karenna, where mom and daughter are caught up in a high-stakes game of gin rummy or Uno or something. Probably Uno, since Corina might want to keep mom away from the gin and rum and steer her toward the Yoo-Hoo. Hiyo! (Calling it “a duel of their own” implies that the Milford-Central game is some kind of duel which seems kind of off given Marty’s description of the game turning into a blowout.) Corina cares more about her mom’s mental health than Milford football, which is certainly understandable given this past summer’s backstory. Now if only she could allude to that without being a jerkface to everyone she meets…

October 21, 2020

How Is the Milford Offense Like a Diesel Engine?

Neither of them have spark plugs!

This Milford-Madison game reminds me in a way of this past Saturday night’s supposed college football game of the year of the week. The team with a ground-and-pound offense takes an early lead then falls behind, its defense unable to slow down its opponent’s big-play offense. Tasked with orchestrating a rally, the game manager QB commits errors, throwing picks and getting his passes stuffed back in his face at the line of scrimmage. Despite all this, the coach sticks with his game manager, keeping the QB with more raw talent and game-breaking potential on the bench. Run the color version of today’s strip and the Mudlarks even start to look the part. Forgive me if I start referring to Will Thayer as “The Mailman.”

News flash: amateur football has turned into a track meet and defense no longer wins championships. Does Gil stick to his principles and watch his team slip down the standings in the Valley? Or does he decide he has doled out enough punishment and go with the guy that can make things happen? Pity that Gil dismisses everything Marty says out of hand; even a stopped clock sitting in his parents’ basement is right twice a day.

October 19, 2020

The Surprise Factor

Filed under: actual action, football, Marty Moon — nedryerson @ 4:32 am

The thrust of today’s strip is that cagey Gil is employing multiple formations to keep the Madison defense guessing. We aren’t shown the results of Madison’s defense getting wise to the I-formation. We just have Marty’s commentary from inside his little packing crate, spinning everything to sound suspicious of Gil’s game plan.

Was Madison surprised by the I-formation or did Milford just execute it well enough to grab a two touchdown lead?

We also haven’t seen the Air Jimmy spread offense employed by Madison. Milford held Madison once and then Madison struck quickly. Sometimes I wonder why we crave the actual action strips. The storytelling in them is even worse than the overheated team drama in the other 70%* of the strips.

*ballpark estimate with Moon level credibility.

October 17, 2020

Say what??

Filed under: ?, actual action, football, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 5:01 pm

Lets…? Apparently Will thinks if nobodys on the field Madison will lose? If there was any Exhibit A of concusssions having an effect on the brain this is it.

Yes I get his point but its weird to say the least. What he means is ‘lets control the clock and limit Madisons possessions’ since apparently they are a high powered offense. Thats how you beat a team when they can score and you cant. Even though Milford just proved they can put up points in a hurry with the BACKUP QB playing who just got disciplined for being EXACTLY the type of QB the Mudlarks need in this game!?! As Ned Ryerson would say — “Am I right or am I right?”

Yeah sure you can hold the ball with your running game but jesus, part of coaching is giving your team the BEST chance to win every game.

Air Jimmy huh? You still gotta play some D, and if the other 11 guys suck, your 12th man is of Absolutely no use to you!! 1 outa 12 aint gonna cut it people! Do you hear me Thorp??

P3 – what the hell is on Martys screen?

In a different life, Jimmy was a rock singer:

September 9, 2020

Spirits Among Us

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 10:09 am

Oh look who’s finally popped his head in at Milford High. Where the hell was Marty when all that ridiculousness was going down in Milford last spring? Drying out in rehab somewhere? You just know he would have run with that whole “the mayor” situation like a kid with a pair of scissors. Either he would’ve been anti-zero-tolerance and given Gil hell for not sticking up for Mike Knappe or pro-zero-tolerance and given Gil hell for not drilling the zero-tolerance message into Mike before the butter knife incident. He would’ve had a field day with the Milford v. Valley Modified “scrimmage,” too – how it made a mockery of high school sports, exposing the Mudlarks to potential injury in a game that didn’t count; how it mocked, patronized and denigrated the Valley Mod kids all at once; and how it was even allowed to be scheduled in the first place. Finally he would’ve had something to say about the Knappe kid getting his admission revoked by State and magically reinstated via Thorpian sleight-of-hand.

Instead Marty now shows up in time for Mouseketeer Roll Call and one step ahead of Marjie Ducey, who must’ve clued him in about those freebie sloppy joes that get handed out during the preseason. He’s used his keen powers of observation to deduce that there’s a competition at quarterback between two guys who (as astute TWIMer Jive Turkey observed this past weekend) would probably get fragged if they were military officers in combat. Marty and Gil share a Milky Way bar an interest in getting blitzed themselves, hence their mutual dropping of the code word “spirited*” in conversation. After practice, they’ll go their separate ways to tie one on: Gil to the MCC or home to the company of Mimi, Marty to the end of the bar at Barney’s Pub or back home, in either case alone.

* It came to my attention after composing this post that the title, which I thought was a common phrase, is also the title of a movie, the plot of which is best described as “Christian paranormal thriller.”

April 14, 2020

But, Hey, Gil’s Big In Japan.

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon — tdrewhardin @ 12:14 am


He’s got the roster but does no coaching

He’s got the talent but none approaching

Mayor’s got the food but not the batting stance

Gil’s got the mood but not a frickin’ chance


But Gil’s big in Japan

Gil’s big in Japan


Hey, but Gil’s big in Japan

Gil’s big in Japan


Will somebody pick up that pie pan that some jerk littered on the field after he devoured his Sara Lee Choco-Creme Heaven Supreme? You’d think some people would throw that darn thing in the receptacle by the bleachers-oh THAT’S HOME PLATE.

Is there anybody in Thorpiverse that has enough artistic skills to draw a batter’s box that’s proportional to the plate, let alone the rest of the field? No wonder why Muench signaled “Time” the day before. He had to get his feet set in The Grand Canyon before he could swing for the fences.

And I am befuddled why the Thibidoux catcher couldn’t block the plate for at least one of Milford’s runs. Yeah, it’d be silly to be called for obstruction attempting to defend a Chinet Paper Plate that is supposedly home plate on a grand slam but he could have SAT ON THE DAMN THING when a Mudlark was trying to score on a base hit. It would have given the Tigers time to get the relay throw to the dime, er, plate.

Yogi Berra once said that if you see a fork in the road, take it. Just don’t attempt to score on it as Muench is venturing to do in P1.

Because I am intrigued by Jimmy John’s little advertising ploy in his window for “free smells”.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Arraigned And Will Stand Trial On May 21st; Bail Set At $1,500.”

sub headline

“The Bucket manager: ‘We preferred he took a whiff of our Bucket Tuna Souffle in the dining area, not back in the kitchen.”


He’s got the team but not the lead

He’s got the charm but much bad seed

He’s got the cards but not the pluck

When he flashes signs, you better duck


But hey, Gil’s big in Japan

Gil’s big in Japan


Hey, Gil’s big in Japan

Gil’s big in Japan


To paraphrase Casey Stengal, can anyone draw a simple batting area around here? You could square dance in the batter’s box. Swing your partner ’round and ’round, watch for batting donuts all around.

I should have brought my hula hoop. I could have wiggled my butt with 10 of those things, perform a whirlygig on both arms with another 2-3 and do half a Riverdance on my leg with 2-3 more and Muench would STILL have room to imitate Bobby Thomson in the ’51 Series. Did Ralph Branca give up the winning shot AND chalk the batter’s boxes? Thank his lucky stars he’s just an answer to a trivia question for only one of them.

“Who did a shit-ass job of laying down the field and should really be cleaning the erasers in the Milford High School classrooms when Luhm’s on a vacation cruise with Ms. Rizk that he set up through Milford Travel Agency and also gave up the record-breaking home run by Hank Aaron in ’74?”

“Hmmmmm. Buzz Capra?”


Boy, nothing like home plates that you can add to your stamp collection and double-decker trees that Milford Nursery has been growing around the ballpark. Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack. Looks like the Grand Old Game has commenced. Finally.

But Gil, I think you forgot to put your uniform on. I know you must have overslept because you forgot to set the alarm and it is evident by the Levi jeans you are parading in P2. I know you should have a blue-collar mind-set and teach the kids the value of hard work and getting down and dirty. But it’s the PLAYERS who get down and dirty and who wear the jeans. Did you leave your baseball uniform at the cleaners? You must have left your coaching there too. No wonder why you are displaying Dockers. Well, at least one of them won’t be taken from the clerk and taken to the car with any lint on it. Oh, I’m not saying your coaching has any dandruff. Surely not me.

Really, Gil, I’ve always wanted one of those double-decker sugar maples in my back yard. I could build a tree house. The upper tree’s branches should be sturdy enough. BTW, is that the foul pole in left field, i.e., if Muench’s shot had hit the double elm, the umps would have signaled a round-tripper? Let me check the rule book again and get back with you.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Controversy Aplenty As Thibidoux Manager Plays Game Under Protest!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Hitting the whirlygigs on the lower half of the tree should not have constituted part of the foul pole.”


He got mooned, he cut the cheese

His coaching’s got us begging on our knees

He lost his boosters, he shouldn’t crow

He got the ebb but lost the flow


But hey, Gil’s big in Japan

Gil’s big in Japan


Hey, Gil’s big in Japan

Gil’s big in Japan


And we actually have STRATEGY as the game keeps rolling along. I follow my favorite college baseball team and I watched my own nephew play high school baseball, so when the other team hits a couple of ropes, Gil in Japan is wise to make a call to the bullpen with a 6-2 lead. Put this one on ice by getting your reliever in there to slam the door.

Just don’t wear your gardening outfit when you go to the mound next time, Gil. Really, when my car is getting fixed and needs a brake job and the brake shoes need to be replaced, I’m not expecting the mechanic to be wearing cleats and stretch pants like the ones I wore when I was managing Babe Ruth Baseball. Dressing like Bob Vila and expecting me to give you the ball for a middle reliever just doesn’t mix in the salad. I never threw a whole slab of salami in a Caesar’s salad anyway. Talking to Richard Petty on the mound and giving him the ball is a bit uncomfortable, don’t you think?

If ya think Gonzalo Aceves is named for a kind of Mexican jumping bean and if ya drink too much Jose Cuervo, you might flutter like Gonzalo Aceves, ya might be a redneck.

Now who the Hell is Speedy Gonzales? Okay, we know he can run all over Mexico when he isn’t training in Milford for the Boston Marathon but I didn’t know that was one Looney Tuner that was left-handed. Thorpiverse must have been taking notes when it was watching Bugs Bunny run from Elmer Fudd in Milford Fish & Wildlife Area.

And I’m fluent in Spanish, having translated for management several times over so I don’t need Gil’s Guide to Workable Spanish When Recruiting Players Across the Rio Grande to Rescue the Plot. Was Gil at a Dollar General in Chihuahua buying X-Lax because they ran out at Milford Apothecary and he was behind a teenager who wore a Mudlark cap? Gee, he looks like he could help the team. He must have read the scores in the Milford Enquirer and bought that hat from a street vendor to show his true colors.

“Hola, necesitamos lanzer para los Mudlarks y le damos mucho dinero, mucha carne de El Bucket,” oops, forgot, I’m addressing an English-speaking crowd.

Let’s try again.

“Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice that cap you’re wearing. We are in dire need of pitching. You’re interested? Let me run it by Berrill and get your Green Card from the Milford Consulate and I’ll get back with you tomorrow. Ah-SAY-vehs? Is that how you pronounce it? I’ll have Marty Moon practice in front of a mirror with a bunch of marbles in his mouth. First pitch is this Friday at 4:00PM. Work on your curve.”


My team’s clam chowder, I got the runs

Wear hair like a whippet, I got big buns

I coach in clouds, no one knows why

I got the stripes but not the tie


But hey, Gil’s big in Japan

Gil’s big in Japan


Oh Lord, Gil’s big in Japan

Gil’s big in Japan


Tonight’s headline running off the presses for the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Placed On Probation, Sternly Warned By Judge Ito That ‘Free Smells’ Does Not Extend To Condo Manager’s Private Bar-B-Q”

sub headline

“That’ll be the last time I barge in to his back office to get a pork pit plate.”


Because I admire these Robin Hood lawyers who advertise that they spend more time fighting for their clients than advertising



“Good golly, the lengths some outdoor advertising people will go to get a buck. But I will never put someone’s boobs on the chopping block over the integrity of my clients. You have my guarantee.”

“I found out about Joe Sharkey from a wino at Milford Rehab Clinic. Word of mouth goes fast. My wife got ran over by Santa and his reindeer and I wanted to be justly compensated. The drunk recommended The Shark. He said The Shark even paid for the bunk at the shelter house while he was recovering his liquor. I called 1-FON-THE-JAWS and was I pleasantly surprised. We got $3,563,754,872,045,375 in compensation for our loss. We bought a Christmas tree and a few presents. The kids will love what we put in their stockings. All we could afford for years was coal until we called Joe Sharkey. Thanks, Shark.”

“That’s advertising enough for me. Why pay some flunky to unwrap the billboard message and have to call Milford Bankruptcy Lawyers as a result when Skid Row saved the day and brought home the bacon? And pass the word along? People with bulging pockets of money have a hard time hiding the good news.”


“My house burned to the ground because Milford Gas & Electric left the meter running when the service rep came to read the electrical usage. I got 3rd degree burns and couldn’t work as a forklift driver at Milford Foundry. I found out about The Shark from the Milford Psychic Hotline. I got a shitload of cash at my Hooverville address. I’ll be able to rebuild my home in 3 weeks. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard the man. He may get fined from the FCC for his language but he’s got the money after being justly compensated. And he didn’t need billboards all over the Milford Mall parking lot to learn how to fight companies like M G & E who are hard at work to defeat you in a court of law. Some companies will spray paint the evidence but you can’t apply Krylon to word of mouth. When word gets around that the fat check’s in the mail, people wait by the mailbox. Why trust your mailbox to a sign next to a sign advertising for Milford Tanning Clinic?

Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”


Gang, you’re my world. I’ve been running around all day and it was hell flying over the ocean to drop Gil off at Tokyo but I’ll take one for the team, thank you.


His lineup fizzles, his pitching’s fake

Fielding’s a joke, it drowns in a lake

He’s got the sheets but not the bed

Baseball’s anemic and softball’s dead


But hey, Gil’s big in Japan

Gil’s big in Japan


Hey, Gil’s big in Japan

Gil’s big in Japan



At the Milford Lounge Happy Hour one fine afternoon

“When I had to take a dump, I saw some writing on the toilet paper. Something about telephoning a shark.”




April 13, 2020

Muench Salami

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Marty Moon, Secret Thoughts — nedryerson @ 5:55 am


We’re really making a meal out of the opener against Thibodaux! I think we are still in the third inning. We’ve got plate discipline, speed on the base path and POWER! Marty is loving it. That’s it. I got nothing.

So, let’s look at Tom Meunch, digging in at the plate. See how he’s holding the bat with his left hand and extending his right hand behind him? What is that? We I see that in professional ball, I assume it’s a signal to the umpire that the batter is still getting set up (maybe still getting feet situated?) in the batter’s box and not quite ready. Maybe it’s a balance thing too? I don’t know. It’s something I’ve seen a million times but never really thought about until this moment. I wonder, if this is an “I’m not quite ready” signal, how does that come across in high school? Does an ump just tell the kid to put his hand down and get ready because you’re in the box and the pitch is coming, son?



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