This Week in Milford

February 28, 2019

Will “The Hand” Of Fate Cost Marty’s Job?

Filed under: Bobby Howry, freak hands, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 3:35 pm

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You whippersnappers are WAY too young to remember but do you old-timers remember, if you watched Dark Shadows, The Hand? Remember how scary that thing was as it spread its venom in different scenes, from choking a victim to scaring the shit out of someone in a room, maybe studying, maybe knitting, suddenly this appendage appears out of the blue???? Really,I could be at The Bucket in a booth, downing my 6th Livercheeseburger and Liver ‘n’ Spam Fries, washing it down with a Fresca when The Hand comes out of the men’s room. I hope he had a hell of a piss, to quote Brad Hamilton from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”. Still in shock as I wonder how it’s floating around, I swallow it. After all, if it’s hungry, there’s plenty on the menu. Try the Bucket Wisconsin Buttery Burger, Hand. Frightening the teenagers and causing them to crash to their deaths in their hot rods off the Mudlark Cliffs works up an appetite. Just don’t wear a cheesehead garment. Dark Shadows was SCARY but never asinine. Unlike some unnamed plots we know.

That off my chest, when I saw Marty attached to The Hand in P2, well ya know I got some inspiration. Plus, it was either that or Grandpa Jones’ Uncensored Hee Haw Humor. I flipped a coin.

 

And this is getting downright insulting. Anymore, the only time we EVER learn about Milford’s fate in basketball is through 2 guys determined to sink each other’s battleship. Are we going to find out about Milford’s score with Jefferson in “Life in These United States” in Reader’s Digest? Sure, the plot’s a joke but let’s not carry things to extremes(“…and my husband replied, ‘I’ve always used a clipboard when I coach. What do I need a Bounty towel for?'”) .  And if I browse through the pages of Popular Mechanics, it’s expected I don’t catch the line on Milford and Ansonia next to all the sockets the carpenters are using for the addition on Dr. Pearl’s house.

Bonus point: Maybe I’m going blind but in P1, I’m pretty sure Booby possesses a butt while Marty pursued the papier-mache route. Put it this way, The Hand is more than likely to give a pat on the fanny to which one? C’mon, this isn’t a Lady-or-the-Tiger question.

“P-13”

“SHIT!!!!!!!! That spells thorp. My Evinrude’s in Davy Jones’ Locker.”

Oh, I guess the consolation prize Pat and Vanna are giving us is a Netflix video, “Battle of the Sponges”, a 45-minute docu-drama of two sponges trying to sink each other in the bathtub, neither one succeeding, just floating around for days with the Rubber Ducky. Thank God, it’s 45 minutes. It was not for them to question why but simply do or die with their rubber ducky and their swords. So that’s how the Norman Conquest got to be a conquest. They beat back the Seljuk Turks with their rubber duckys. Deus lo vole. I’d go to  Vatican City and enlist for Pope Leo VI. Charge of the Light Brigade and Marty keeping his job. And you thought the Crimea was involved.

“Mimi, The Hand has me in its grip!!!!!!!!! I can’t breathe!!!!!!!! Quick!!!!!!! Get a fly-swatter!!!!!!!!! Or get some Roach Motel!!!!!!!! Or a broom!!!!!!!!!  Wait, my Colt .45 is in the spare closet under my baseball card collection!!!!!!!!!! And it’s registered!!!!!!!!!!!! Got it legal at Milford God, Guns, & Guts!!!!!!!!!! Take the safety off!!!!!! Hurry!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Barnabas Collins to Victoria Winters

“I knew some people were calling for Gil’s head after Collinsport High blew the lead with Tilden but The Hand needs to kick the cat next time. Or choke it.”

“…and the one cornstalk says to the other cornstalk, ‘Will you bend over and let me have my way with you?????’ The other cornstalk replies ‘Who do you think I am, Rindercella?”

The audience at the Milford Comedy Club are still watching the Netflix video, “Godzilla versus Barnabas.”

BRRRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGGG

“Hello?”

“Grandpa, Gil. Tell Archie Campbell the joke bombed. So what do I do now?”

 

P2 only gets worse. If you were playing “Battleship” with your neighbor in P1, you might have 4 pegs on your ship with one peg to work with, but in P2,

THE DAMN THING’S A LUSITANIA

 

Okay, you smartasses, I agree, Marty’s hand also looks like Lurch’s. They must have been from the same lineage. And go ahead, say that Marty always wears Playtex Gloves when he’s on the air because he feels so sexy when interviewing sports celebrities, plus he doesn’t want to catch any germs. That’s right, Moon, when Sparky Anderson comes in with a Nacho and Velveeta Supreme when discussing the ’75 Reds, it’s important to be sterilized  when debating whether Ed Armbrister actually interfered at home plate.

Now that the pinpricks are satisfied, isn’t it interesting that Marty is establishing, RIGHT OFF THE BAT, who’s Jack Benny and who’s Rochester in P2? Is there a message here? You decide.

“Ummmmm, Rochester, I need a bottled water before I go on the air.”

“Yassir, Mister Benny, Bimeby, wouldja want me ta squirt sum lemon jooce in da concoction?”

“Naw, I start passing gas in the middle of the broadcast and I don’t like running off the sound engineer.”

“Okay by me, uh huh. How’ bout I serve it wid de pizza ya ate wid Peaches when her oven conked out?”

“Is that pepperoni and wild onion STILL in the fridge?”

“Yas Suh, Mr. Benny, next ta da Raspberies ‘n’ Cream.”

“Hell, throw it out. I don’t want to delouse dessert.”

“Yas Suh, Mr. Benny. Anyting you say.”

 

I have celebrated Black History Month for YEARS because I have ALWAYS admired people who choose to do the right thing against incredible odds and bigotry. One of my favorite movie lines comes from “He Got Game” when Jake Shuttlesworth says “Best get that hate out of your system or you’ll wind up in the gutter.” I agree. The people I’ve salute chose to do just that.

That said, P2 brought us back to the Feudal Days. And this time, Booby better keep his mule if he wants a way back home or go out and check out the handiwork of his billboards.

GIL THORP SHOULD QUIT COACHING AND SHINE SHOES

“Okay, Bessie, get along now. Let’s go home and don’t trip over the Bud cans.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Howry: I Want Luhm’s Job.”

sub headline

“The toilets weren’t even touched after the Holiday Tournament.”

 

“Peaches!!!!!! The Hand has got me!!!!! Quick!!!!!!!! Get the whip in my bedroom!!!!!!! It’s in the Milford Adult Shoppe tote bag!!!!!!!!! You’ll have to rip the plastic off!!!!!!!! Okay!!!!!!! Okay!!!!!!!! (choke) Booby can have my job!!!!!!!!! Just let me fill in when the Harlem Globetrotters come to Milford!!!!!!!! And I always wanted to get into Commercial Real Estate anyway!!!!!!!!!”

And it’s pretty sad how I spent pages upon pages reading the hilarity that was Mark Twain’s Puddn’head Wilson, only to see it condensed to a single panel in P2. The Battle of the Titans reduced to Babe Ruth and the bat boy. Geez, no wonder why the Cubs lost the Series in ’32. Babe could call The Shot because he had a go-fer with a bat ready to rock so Babe could make history. The bat boys for the Cubs were partying on top of one of the sun decks on Waveland Avenue. One of ’em, incidentally, had to have caught Babe’s ball. They already had several of Dave Kingman’s.

Robmize, don’t kill me, I’m leavin’ Wrigley quietly(ha).

“The Hand!!!!!!! It’s got me!!!!!!!! Okay!!!!!!!! I’m sorry I suspended Marty!!!!!!!! The parrot came out of Rural King pet department anyway, next to the gerbils!!!!!!!!!!! I promise I’ll give him his back pay plus half the royalties off that interview we did with LeBron!!!!!!!!! And he can do that special with Magic!!!!!!!!! No more reading Milford Elementary School League Volleyball scores!!!!!!!!!! I’ll call (choke) Marty tomorrow (choke) OKAY tonight!!!!!!!!!! and tell I have an open checkbook and WDIG welcomes back a lost brother-”

“Honey, wake up, you were having a bad dream. I was just grabbing your hose. Honey, I think you need to go to the Clinic. Your dreams are more hardline than your powder puff.”

In P3, that is oversized shaving brush which he uses to spread Gillette Teal Gel, EPA-approved when trimming his goatee, doubling as a mike on lesser-profile or lesser-class guests, Booby fitting latter category, Marty using better-quality mikes for guests with some kind of direction in their lives. Just put a rudder on your motorboat, Booby, and go to the Milford Dale Carnegie Institute and the mikes will change. I understand there’s an opening in the early part of March at the Institute. After your interview in P3, if Marty hasn’t opened the trap door and you get devoured by a hammerhead, you should still have time.

Also, that mike could be an avocado. Just wait until the end of this expose (Where ELSE could THIS be going???) before you munch on it, Moon.

Today’s final (RELUCTANTLY speaking) Black History Month entry is Arthur Crudup. Born in Forest, Mississippi, with an enormous talent for Blues and a HUGE part of the Mississippi Blues sound, Crudup wrote and performed the song “That’s All Right, Mama”, made a big hit by Elvis Presley in the ’50’s. He also wrote and performed , songs that put the stamp on his talent and his love for Blues. What makes me angry is how his songs were promoted so heavily, yet he received little compensation for them. The foot-dragging that accompanied the back royalties he had coming is making me furious, even as I type. He did not deserve to end up as a barge worker and if you can spread the word about his talent, it would be deeply appreciated. Some justice DID come about when his name was inducted on the Mississippi Blues Trail, kinda like the Natchez Trace Road for Blues, near his birthplace. Please join me in saluting a man who didn’t deserve to die (bad heart in the early ’70’s) while fighting for what was rightfully his.

HEY BOY!!!!!!!!!!! YOU LOOKIN’ MIGHTY FINE IN THEM THERE JEANS!!!!!!!!!! WHY DON’T YOU F-

“What a nightmare. Hi, this is the station manager at WDIG. You can just call me Al. I wear more faces than Bowie Kuhn anyway.

There I was, in bed, with Booby and I think you might suspect we weren’t playing backgammon. I just couldn’t resist because he was so innocent and ambitious and I had a shitty wife who shopped every week at F. W. Woolworth for groceries and made my favorite dessert, key lime pie, but she burned the roast under the covers. And Booby was available.

I had resisted all advances so far, transferring my impulses to a heating blanket in my personal closet. Hey, it was warm and felt good plus I had an electrical outlet in the closet. And I locked the closet when everybody went to lunch. I was taking no chances.

Then the Milford Men’s Clinic came to the rescue and sponsored Sex Drive Renewal Retreat at Mudlark Lake Resort. My wife jumped at it like I almost jumped on Booby. Wow, you should have seen the ideas that were exchanged and taught at this Surge on Urge. One of them, my wife was this great big tarmac and I was Delta Flight 89 out of Dallas about to make an emergency landing in Denver when I was heading to Boise. Another, a gnu was drinking water from a lake in the Serengeti in Africa And I was this hyena who hadn’t eaten in 4 days, much less experienced standing in the Pleasure Dome with Booby. When the gnu bent over, I was horny and hungry, which was the idea. Ingenious of MMC, isn’t it? Prime rib and a place to lay my wood, the only thing missing was a pack of Marlboros to savor the victory even though, in truth, hyenas don’t smoke.

We were also given packets and handouts, now that you had your wife back in bed, on how to fend off the strong desires to do business with anybody but your wife. That’s right, Guys, sometimes the UPS delivery guy looks kinda cutie in his shorts but FedEx almost refused to send shipments to Marty Moon’s house over unconfirmed rumors he was winking at the Overnight Delivery guy. Fortunate that Marty got his grandfather clock from Switzerland in 24 hours with no further investigations. Marty needed to keep the bed warm for Peaches and nobody else.

Now I can interview Booby with a renewed confidence, reassured that I will be able to hire a radio personality at the wage level of a choclatier in the mines of South Africa. I don’t let my personal business interfere with the good of the company. When I zip my pants, it’s after I pissed a load in the bathroom. Maxwell House can be that way. But don’t take my word for it. If you have pedophile issues, you owe it to yourself and the kids in the audience on the Bozo Show to get help. The Milford Men’s Club can spare you needless embarrassment and make you a personality in bed. My wife seems to think I’m Jackie Gleason. Come see why today.

Comment away, gang. Gonna kick back and watch ’em eat their own. Only at WDIG studios.

“…Barnabas Collins getting the finger from The Hand??????”

Someone in the back at Milford Comedy Club shouts out “You’re worse than Willie Loomis!!!!!!!!!!!”

“The Hand!!!!!!!!! It’s got me!!!!!!! Okay!!!!!! I’ll get those 2016 Milford High School Cafeteria Lunch Money Reports filled out so they can reopen the cafeteria!!!!!!!!!! I know it’s cruel to send them to the Milford Shelter House and have nothing but Oscar Meyer Bologna and Swiss Cheese sandwiches for 3 weeks!!!!!!!!! They had Twinkies!!!!!!!! The Director ordered them last week!!!!!!!!! (choke) Okay!!!!!!!!!! I’ll get them done!!!!!!!!! And I’ll let slide Barnabas Collins enrolling in Adult Education even if he lost his Social Security card!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Thank you, Dr. Pearl. I can only show up after 7:00PM. I hope you understand. Come, Willie, and quit shooting free throws.”

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February 26, 2019

I Got The Message, But I Didn’t Want It Straight From You

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First off, in order to impress the readership on the conversation, loosely speaking, between SNNNNNAAAAAKKKKKEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! and Mimi, the artistry has graced us with 2 neo-Doric columns, freshly imported from the mines of Crete. I’ll admit they add a nice decor to the pub and it’s doing its part to make things upscale. But why not have a frieze at the top, where ancient symbols are displayed to enhance the touch and ambiance of the place? We’re not in Kansas or Greece anymore, so little drawings of chariots and horses and Socrates at the Agora debating with Gil Thorpius how to run   the half-court press, (the plebians are 50-50 on this one) wouldn’t be appropriate, neither would pictographs of Toto or Dorothy’s family flying around in their Studebakers in a tornado. Therefore, why not create pictographs of Milford’s basketball team executing the isolation play, designed to remind everybody that basketball still exists and to get the center a 2-foot shot? Or some Mudlark picks a Goshen player’s pocket and he runs down the other end for the 180-I’m-Gonna-Go-Groovin’-So-Ya-Better-Get-Movin’-Cake-Bakin’-Baby-Shakin’-Rump-Rostin-Bun-Toastin-Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am-Glass-Breaker-I-Am Jam. Or a Reverse Dunk, that fits. I think you can fit all that as pictographs on the frieze. You might need an extra chisel but Greeks found a way to put a late entry in at the chariot races. Then there’s the architrave, the part above the frieze. Hell, twist booby’s arm or slip him a $100 bill and get him to do some more Gil-bashing. Here’s some ideas that might fit within the architrave

“Don’t drink the water here at Barney’s or from Gil’s faucet.”

“Gil’s wife is actually drinking Squoze Lemonade in this strip today.”

“How can anyone criticize Gil as a coach when basketball is on a pinball machine at Barney’s?”

Heard somewhere in Barney’s

DAMN, I TILTED. SHOULDNTA SAID GIL WEARS FEDEX SHORTS AT GAMES

“The Gilberry Pumpkin ‘n’ Cinnamon Quiche with a side order of Spinach Fries is to die for.”

“The only thing upscale about Gil and Mimi is their tax bracket.”

 

Possibilities

 

Gang, gotta call it like I see it. Today, I will be LIBERALLY spreading ZZ Top’s “Afterburner”. It just seemed to be the right fit. I think you’ll see why.

 

I’m pickin’ up a signal

That’s in the pub tonight

It’s sparkin’ conversation

And my visage flashes white

 

I got the message

But I didn’t want it straight from you.

 

And while John Doe, Model, Esq., coming in a pinch from the Milford Modeling Agency because the Jordache Girl called in, is breaking the Fourth Estate in P1, you know you just had this feeling that Marty was going to get set up by the time we reached P3. C’mon, this isn’t The Brothers Karamazov, we don’t state the premise in P1, ramble for 1000 pages about Jeremy Bentham and the Pleasure Principle, John Locke and the notion of Private Property, Milton Friedman and his stance on a Free Economy (“The Government should not interfere in the affairs of The Bucket, Boris Smolyanorinovitch, unless you see a roach out in the parking lot. Then call Orkin.”) , Martin Luther should have used a sledge hammer when nailing the 95 Theses, Hegel’s Thesis and Anti-Thesis, Rachel Ray uses chocolate chips manufactured from the sweatshops of South Africa when baking her Holiday Cookies, only to get to P1000 and Mimi finally say “Marty, you’re fly is open.”

 

I was out of work, thinkin’ ’bout basketball

Trying not to lose my mind

Drove up quickly to the agency

Lookin’ for a job to find

 

Laying in a chair

Playing with my hair

My coaching, yes, wound up in wood

 

I tried washing dishes down at Barney’s pub

I toted flowers from FTD

Cement mixer paid the cable bill

Insurance salesman, garbage fee

 

Laying in a chair

Playing with my hair

Basketball, sucks, it wound up in wood

 

We leave P1 with Marty trying to be a perfect gentleman, but don’t kid yourself, anytime SNNNNAAAAAKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEE is trying to be Don Juan, you wind up losing your mule. Then you have no way home back to your peasant farm and you have to pay the liege for the loss of the mule. Think Marty’s gonna pay for it? Mules work that way. And both are malodorous, one just wears a goatee.

 

What do you do

When the man’s a jerk

 

The ladies eat their Heinz

And Marty shirks of work

 

Don’t pose with your mug

As if you’re Clark Gable

 

C’mon, Moon, dolt

Just look for the table

 

Planet of Women

Oh yeah

Planet of Women

Oh yeah

This plot’s gone so insane

 

Marty’s trying to flirt

But the ladies ain’t buyin’

 

Decency would help

Plus some beggin’ and cryin’

 

They’re drinkin’ like a fish

And goin’ to town

 

They’ll get their jobs later

At the Milford Dog Pound

 

Just a Planet of Women

Oh yeah

Planet of Women

Oh yeah

Driving us insane

 

Now let’s get to the heart of the matter. I think Mimi’s comment was still a bit surprising, even when we were thrown hints that Booby is after Marty’s job. Why would a greenhorn, in the true sense of the word, keep showing up in Marty’s studio week after week,  broadcasting all the news that’s fit to broadcast about Gil’s coaching, then essentially go behind Marty’s back and talk with the station manager at WDIG? Marty, are you THAT DUMB? You walk down the hallway to get some coffee in the breakroom and you see, assuming the door is open, Booby in with the head honcho, did you really think Booby was taking orders from carry-out from the Milford Pizza Hut?

“Okay, I’ve got 2 12″ Pepperoni Pan Pizzas, 3 8″ Sausage & Pepperoni Thin Crust Pizzas, 1 15″ Canadian Bacon Cheese Crust Pizza, 2 Spaghettis w/Caesar’s Apple ‘n’ Bacon Salads, I Ravioli w/Mushrooms, hold the garlic, 15 Breadsticks, 5 Cokes, 2 Diet Cokes, I Mountain Dew, and a Grape Nehi, the Tinge of Wine Special. Is that it?”

“I think that’ll cover it, Booby.”

“GREAT. So when can I start next week?”

“You said your car should be done at Milford Body Shop on Tuesday?”

 

Really, this wasn’t a matter of “if”, but “when”. Sorta like the Girls Basketball season. But we’re still waitin’ for that. Never Fear, Midnight Madness should appear by Earth Day.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Girls Basketball Plants a Tree In Front of the ‘B’ Gym to commemorate Earth Day!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Both tree and team are expected to take time to develop.”

 

Now let’s get to the heart of the matter. Mimi, NO ONE on God’s green earth EVER thought that just because Booby was making scurrilous comments on billboards or radio programs, his own or Marty’s, that we were kidding ourselves or wanted to kid ourselves that Booby would make a suitable replacement for Gil. I mean, Gil is doing minimal coaching but, damn, Booby??????? Mimi, what part of NO FREAKIN’ WAY don’t you understand? A guy who was a marginal equipment manager who was rousting people’s games because he couldn’t get out on the football field himself because he’d get knocked on his ass by the tackling dummy and in general had NO EXPERIENCE playing football or basketball is in no condition to be coaching ANYTHING in high school. And stop using Wally Cleaver’s words, you dope.

“Marty, if Gil finds out you tried to ramrod Booby past the school board to be the Mudlark Boys Golf Coach, you’re gonna get clobbered.”

And Wally wearing Mimi’s earrings? God forbid that show up on The New Leave it to Beaver

 

My mind needs Excedrin

I’m about to blow a fuse

I ate my words so empty

So shoot ’em down the loo

 

I got the message

But I didn’t want it straight from you

 

Today’s Black History Month entry was a colorful character, Darryl Dawkins, or more affectionately known as “Chocolate Thunder” (Stevie Wonder started that one) . You can see he’s had an influence on me judging by one of his quotes above. Usually, they’re not ready to jump straight from  high school to the NBA, but if there ever was a dude, it was the Thunder. His dunks were so powerful and vicious and shattered a couple of backboards in the bargain that the NBA made a rule fining and suspending anybody who rendered a backboard useless. All that said, the man had game and had a productive career in the NBA from 1975-89. He won a Ring in ’89, with the Detroit Pistons, long overdue. Please join me in saluting a man who shaped the NBA in a forceful and positive way. The Playuh earned his money.

 

P3-Exploding eyeball effect and his hot dog stand is open for business, Gang, I think a picture speaks a thousand words.

 

It’s time to get down

Do the Disco Fox Trot

Dance a Ska Charleston

At Barney’s, that’s so hot

 

Dipping low in the Lap of Luxury

 

Now if you want to have fun

Get it on until dawn

Cha Cha fast and loose with Mimi

Then she’s got to mow the lawn

 

Dipping low in the lap of luxury

 

“Dr. Pearl, I had fun doin’ the Texas Line-Dance with you. Be good exercise for my basketball team.”

 

Gang, comment away. Now that the cat’s out of the bag that was already out of the bag, I think I’ll hit Barney’s for some Egg Plant Pomme Frites. I haven’t tried them with Gulden’s yet.

 

I’ve got to make a confession

I’m on needles and pins

Workin’ on a way out

At Barneys, dump my sins

 

I got the message

But I’ll never get it straight from you.

 

In the Milford Ad Section

“This Friday night, ZZ Top appears one night only at Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club, w/ special guest, Coach Shaw and his Jazz guitar, performing “Gimme All Your Lovin'” for an electrifying 11-minute solo plus Coach Thorp will sporting a beard with the Top, sunglasses he got from Junior Achievement, backing ’em up on his Kenner guitar. As an added bonus, the Ladies from Barney’s will be performing a strip tease, accompanied by “Sharp Dressed Man”. Get your tickets at The Bucket and all Milford Kwik-ee Mart outlets. Don’t miss it!!!!!!!!!! BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Marty to Mimi

“Slip inside my sleeping bag”

And 1000 Other Quotes You Never Read or Hear in Gil Thorp, now out by Harcourt-Brace Publishers, in all your Borders Book Stores

February 25, 2019

Hello, Ladies

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Hey, check out Mimi’s gal pal who’s throwing shade at Marty as his beer foam drips all over her. It’s a middle aged version of Velma from Scooby Doo!

velma*

I hope she doesn’t lose her glasses, forcing her to crawl around in the puddles of beer and ketchup on the floor of Barney’s!

So Marty needs a minute of Mimi’s time. Whatever for? Does he want to convene an impromptu focus group consisting of Mimi’s circle of friends? He could be fishing around for a new audience niche in the Milford’s media landscape. He must sense that he could be once again in danger of being replaced by younger talent in local sports talk on AM radio. Does Marty have anything to offer middle age women who like wine and chunky earrings (as a media property or just in general)?

 

 

*If you do a google image search for Velma, you get about 10% cartoon images from various Scooby Doo iterations, 20% images of that actress from Freaks & Geeks playing the cute live action Velma from the Scooby Doo movie and the other 70% is women doing totally sexed up Velma cosplay.

February 23, 2019

Now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast.

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Riddle me this, TWIMers: Is this our first visit to Barney’s Pub? It’s not one of Del Bader’s old watering holes, like Selasky’s Supper Club, is it? Did it take over the Coffee Cantina’s space, or did they just steal the CC’s plates? Something about the place seems a little off-kilter, like the nacho salad with ketchup and the idea of Marty Moon drinking in public rather than in the lonesome misery of his own four walls.

That’s what’s off – not just Marty’s public drinking but his choice of beverage. He’s been shown to be a Johnnie Walker man on more than one occasion. He’s also shown a historic callousness to the feelings of others, not caring who he pisses off as long as it’s good radio. That’s why I read his greeting to the ladies as a dig, especially at Mimi. Everybody’s been ignoring the Lady Mudlarks, so why shouldn’t Marty? Hell, he’s already mentally moved on even as Marjie Lite fires a lame retort. Look at the thousand yard stare on Evil Spock’s puss.

That said I expect Mimi, Peggy & co. will pull Marty back to reality over the next several strips, by pointing out that it’s not just them who’ve been ignoring him but WDIG listeners generally. They’ve come for the B/Robby Howry show and Marty is just old and in the way. That, and station manager LBJ’s diming B/Robby out for throwing broad hints at wanting Marty’s job, will be the straw that breaks the lush’s back. It’ll be Marty who runs B/Robby out of town on a rail, sparing the Coaches Thorp any dirty work and letting their players and ex-players remain squeaky clean.

Special Guest Cameo: Looks like Richard Moll is passing through Milford and has dropped in to knock back a frosty mug.

Apologies for the lateness of the post. I’ve been on a brief hiatus and my timing’s a bit off. That’s what spring training’s for, isn’t it? Inspiration for today’s post title, if not the name of this latest Milford watering hole:

February 22, 2019

Sorry I’m late gents but…

Filed under: freak hands, hands in the air, Marty Moon, Mimi Thorp, Pissy faced Mimi — robmize2013 @ 10:17 pm

And its a reasonable fascimile of Marjie Ducey, but not quite as hot, announcing that it was Marty Moon, happening to be walking behind said non-hottie, helping to not advance the plot. You know how far 50 steps behind you is? I work in a pretty big office, and if I took 50 steps from my desk I’d be either outside, or in the dark corner of the PO section.  So how the hell she even noticed the dude is beyond me.

And we have Mimi flaunting her fear of Moon possibly walking in on the girls wine party with some freak hand action. None of which advances the plot. So I’m done. Good night folks.

 

By the way, one of my childhood idols passed away yesterday. The Monkees are now down to 2– good thing I saw them perform in Merrilville a few years ago while they still had each other.  It never bothered me that they werent considered a real band. Here’s a tribute to Peter Tork.

 

 

February 13, 2019

Never Happy? Are You Kidding? They’re Delirious!

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Somewhere on the streets of Milford, an unknown man leaves his dumpy apartment on Poplar for his dead-end job. Maybe he stocks the shelves at McShane’s Hardware, or washes dishes at Schultz’s Polynesian Garden. He’s gotta wring every last drop out of his tired ’90s econobox (maybe a Plymouth Breeze?), so when the steering wheel rubber starts to crumble, it gets covered with one of those lace-it-yourself leather covers from Milford Auto Parts. He’d been saving up for an aftermarket stereo for the beater but bills gotta get paid so it’s still the tinny AM-FM unit for now. It can’t pick up stations outside the Valley so it’s good old WDIG for him. At least he can listen to Marty Moon; that’s one guy whose life can’t be any less miserable than his.

But what’s this? Marty sounds practically giddy on the air this morning! Must be that new kid sidekick of his, Howdy Booby or something like that. Listen to the two of them feed off each other, like a couple of leeches they are. If it wasn’t for Coach Thorp these two jagoffs would have nothing to talk about. You’d think they’d cover college ball once in a while. Wonder how that Miles Standish kid is doing at Wake Forest? Or the one who didn’t talk, like Mongo. Didn’t he go to State U?

Yeah, that Coach Thorp. He’s the straw that stirs the drink in Milford. Wasn’t for him there’d be no media in this tank town. One fewer blog on the intertubes, that’s for sure.

That reminds me: did you ever have the feeling you were being watched?

 

February 8, 2019

Hey at least theyre Playing!

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon, Mimi Thorp — robmize2013 @ 7:45 pm

First panel Gil announces he followed (stalked) Mike home; well I guess Mike knew about it so it wasnt stalking but still… and Mike s depression is now out in the open, after we farted away half the hoops season trying to figure out what was wrong, AND WE STILL DONT KNOW WHATS CAUSING THE DEPRESSION!!

By the way, nice pepperoni pizza in P1. even though I dont like it (Im a cheese and sausage guy).

And hey, maybe a road game as a reward!? These guys play games less often then the Bears kicker missed field goals. ( 5 games, 7 missed kicks if your keeping score)

So Filion gets to play but the 4 guys who were in on the Fire Gil cover-up (no pun intended) get to sit. As if they havent done enough sitting already. The federal government is busier then the Mudlarks, and they were on shutdown til Trump told them to go back for 3 weeks.

Theyve played 5 games since December 21. FIVE. 2 in December, both losses. Then Bobby Howry put up the billboard.  Then they played 3 games in January. They lost all 3.

0-5 after 7 weeks of action. If Milford was a strip club theyd file for bankruptcy.

Filion was slipping in the classroom on January 4. 34 days ago. And it took this long to get counseling. I’d have sent him on January 6, and resumed playing 2 games a week like every other freakin school. By now he’d be back to normal and contributing on a team tuning up for the playdowns. Guess what — my state has its final regular season games this weekend. And these dopes have laced it up 5 times. Whoopee.

We still have the Howry issue to deal with, but its not looking like Filion is in on it like I predicted. And will Milford go winless and can Thorp as Howry wants?? Some of us are saying — Be my guest!

By the way, the groundhog predicted 6 more weeks of bad Milford basketball. His shadow was blocked —- by the billboard.

 

 

January 25, 2019

An Echo Chamber Does Not a Groundswell Make

gt01252019

We’re being asked to fill in a lot of blanks here today.  Other than the one caller who called bullshit on their short-term memory loss yesterday, it’s just been Marty and B/Robby taking turns getting their digs in on Gil.  (You notice no one ever calls for Kaz’s head?  They know he’s liable to track them down and put his fist through theirs.)  Do those two take turns running out of the studio and calling in?  I suppose between calls Marty can get a bite to eat from the automat that has magically appeared behind his head.  Or do Wildcat Maris, Hobart, Barry Bader et al. just have WDIG on speed dial?

WDIG’s station manager seems vaguely aware that this whole kerfuffle is purely Marty’s and The Boy Who Would Be Coach’s doing, but as long as the ad revenue is coming in and he can keep shuffling those invoices, it’s all gravy.  Then again he may be waxing nostalgic about how he earned that trophy behind him for being the best Studebaker salesman in the Valley, or planning to order some Haggar slacks to go with that shawl-collared jacket of his while remembering how he used to hold meetings while he was on the can.

Meanwhile, in the Mudlark locker room, the real wheels get set in motion when rando underclassman asks rando seniors to dish the dirt on B/Robby.  Howry’s placebo-dealing, Bacon-manipulating backstory will be shared, rando underclassman will call Marty to expose B/Robby on air, WDIG’s engineer will again lose his mind, and Gil’s reputation will be saved without any action on his part.  This had better be good.

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