This Week in Milford

October 10, 2018

Kaz Has More Balls Than Joe…

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… and that’s all I have to say about that.

Seriously, what kind of bullshit rationale is that for joining the team?  What can Kaz and Gil expect out of this kid Joe?  With such a short attention span, who’s to say Bolek won’t wander off just when the Mudlarks need him to punt a ball away? He can’t even be bothered to stick around to see the end of the game. (Here’s where I break the fourth wall for a moment to ask TWIM‘s unofficial SID billytheskink how many times we’ve been shown a Milford football game without knowing who won.)

I could be bothered to supply a rationale for Joe – for example, he’d seen enough of Milford’s bad, non-Sam Finn punting to know that the team needed him – but why should I come up with an excuse for him? He’s gonna need enough excuses for himself when his teammates stuff him in a locker for not coming out and busting his hump in practice from the beginning of the season.

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October 3, 2018

I came here to snark on bad coaching, not to become a cineaste!

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Kaz and Joe stood there and looked at each other in silence for five minutes?  That settles it: Kaz is not salaried faculty or staff but hourly contingent labor. In any universe even remotely based in reality a coach might have given a student 5 seconds – okay, 10 seconds if we’re being generous – to answer before telling them to get out of their office the hallway and go to their next period class, or catch a school bus, or whatever.

As with The Legend of Bagger Vance, I’m not going to rehash the plot of Rififi here. The Wikipedia entry for the film states that “[a]fter he was blacklisted from Hollywood, [Director Jules] Dassin found work in France where he was asked to direct Rififi. Despite his distaste for parts of the original novel, Dassin agreed to direct the film. He shot Rififi while working with a low budget, without a star cast, and with the production staff working for low wages.” Low budget? No stars? Staff working for low wages? We could be talking about the Mudlark football team and its coaching staff.

I’d be okay with the next 28 panels of this strip having no dialogue and just action. You?

 

metapost: Do any of you loyal readers read TWIM on a smartphone?  I compose it on a Dell laptop with AdBlock Plus installed, but usually read comments during the day on an Android phone. Often when I do, I get spammy popup ads telling “Dear Andriod User” that I have won something or other and which I cannot close or navigate away from without closing my browser.  If anyone else is having those problems, please comment (I mean, in addition to any snark) so we can get to the bottom of this. Thanks.

September 22, 2018

Don’t Look So Excited, Jason

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Jason looks as though he’d rather be keeping wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen as Kaz readies him to go over the top, then under the bus.  If this is the same Jason (Weibe) who just scored a touchdown on the last drive, why put one of your offensive weapons at risk like that?  I get that he’s a tight end and, unlike Heather Burns, probably has enough size to hold his own on the line, but still: we’ve seen no exposition that he’s practiced at the position.  How many elbows does Kaz have to get his arm around Jason’s shoulder like that?

Speaking of the anatomically implausible, is Sam Finn rolling on his own ankle as he reaches for the felt electric football?   That’ll set up a Weibe-to-Malouf punting combo even more disastrous than the last two.  There are obvious answers here, first being have the Mudlarks’ regular center snap the ball directly to Sam, who can take a two-step drop and and quick-kick.  If Milford operates out of the shotgun from time to time, the center should be used to snapping the ball a greater distance than a conventional snap, which would give Sam even more room for a quick-kick.

This will give Marty, now sporting cupcake liners in his headset, prime fodder for his postgame show.  How could Gil, Kaz, Steve & co. put such an ill-prepared special teams unit on the field?  Did they spend too much time on baseball?

metapost: The slow-motion disaster post-Hurricane Florence continues to unfold in Bakst country.  We no longer get a bonfire in Milford, but down there is a bonfire that’s having its own share of troubles.  Again, if any of you TWIMers were in the path of Florence and are dealing with the aftermath, holler at us and let us know you’re alright.

September 15, 2018

Oh Snap!

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Since we’ve dropped the non sequitur about student film buffs and Chekov’s crosswalk for the moment, let’s turn our attention to the practice field where Gil and his staff are turning their attention to special teams.  Let’s break down what we’re seeing here:

  1. Steve Boone is looking younger every year. Must be all that blood going to his cheeks that doesn’t have to go to his left arm anymore.  Oops, did I just say that out loud?
  2. Speaking of left arms, what the hell is going on with Gil’s? Is he supposed to be cupping his hand to his mouth or his ear? Is he signaling for a first down or is that one of those once-innocuous hand gestures that’s now some kind of secret white supremacist code signal?
  3. Sam Finn was a backup at guard for a certain greasy-haired Mudlark who shall remain nameless last season. He’ll probably get more touches than said greasy-haired player this season which leads me to…
  4. Do kids really start specializing as long snappers in high school?  Does Milford, which had to play a female ex-trainer at tight end last season, really have the kind of depth for that?  They apparently don’t have anyone who knows how to punt, which does occasionally happen on high school teams. Can Gil still not convince any soccer players to come out for the team?
  5. Why has Gil yet to retire  the jersey number of his unicorn in football cleats?

metapost: If any of you TWIMers out there live in the path of Hurricane/Tropical Storm Florence, please check in and let us know you’re okay.  Most of teenchy’s friends and fam in Bakst country are doing fine, some without power but none with major property damage or yet displaced from their homes.  Fingers crossed…

August 31, 2018

These Are All Terrible People, Even The Kids

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P1: A story from TimP’s own life: Person A did me wrong some time ago. Person B, an erstwhile associate of Person A, learned of this and, while he couldn’t undo the wrong, mitigated some of it. Some weeks later Person B called me up out of the blue and told me all of the terrible things that had lately happened to Person A, thinking I would enjoy hearing about it. I did not. It was all rather sad when taking all of the circumstances into consideration.

P2: Fear of failure can be a hell of a motivator. The problem is that it motivates all kinds of bad behavior. Gil is almost being a good coach by asking an open ended question to such a shitty thing to say.

P3: Feeling like you have to perform especially well because you have to ‘prove’ yourself after getting jobbed can be a hell of a motivator. The problem is…

Cripes, what is in the water in Milford? [Checks notes.] Milford is most likely in the Midwest, probably Central Michigan or Northwest Ohio, so lead. Lead is in the water in Milford. This is why Gil drinks naught but distilled rotgut. He may be stupid, but he’ll be damned if he’s going to get much stupider.

Edited to add: I can’t believe I went back and looked this up but the Milford in Ohio is near Cincinnati, a town I once almost lived in but then got lucky and didn’t. Also, there is a real life Milford Country Club. It is in the vicinity of Boston and has a nine hole par 3 course. Although I’ve visited Boston many times, I’ve never had the opportunity to live there. The last time I visited, it was zero degrees Fahrenheit with 45 mile per hour winds seemingly coming from every direction.

August 30, 2018

Tradition!

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Who, on the links, must scramble for the Juniors,
And who just plays golf, no soccer anymore,
To shave their final score a stroke?
The golfers, teen golfers! Tradition!
Not Tony, but Wilson! Concussion!
Who must know the way to play a proper game,
An honest game, a kosher game?
Start a phony tournament and leave the house,
So Mimi’s free to drink the holy grape?
Gil Thorp does, Gil Thorp does! Tradition!
Gil Thorp does, Gil Thorp does! Tradition!
Let’s watch the Valley tournament. They’ve rented a nice tent.
I hear they’ve got some nice trophies. I hope they’re pretty.
Ho-hum, ho-hum! Tradition!
Ho-hum, ho-hum! Tradition!
And who learns how to cheat, learns how to lie and fix,
At Pine Ridge and at Blackthorne? Geez, what a bunch of pricks!
The cheaters, the cheaters! Tradition!
The cheaters, golf cheaters! Tradition!
(apologies Bock and Harnick)
*****
Alright, enough of that.  Skeeters must be biting hard in Milford or else Gil’s pantomiming how much of a pain in the neck he’s become.
I’m truly confused about a few things:  (1) If scorers are tradition! at the Valley Juniors, why aren’t they also at the qualifiers?  (b) How does dude know about the Pine Ridge Boys’ thievery except as hearsay? (iii) Why does dude give a rat’s hinder about what Gil does at his Participation Trophy Invitational?
Gil has to realize he’s not the big man at the Valley Juniors, both figuratively and literally. Just look at that gargantuan couple to his left!
metapost: I’m having trouble with the spacing here today.  Not sure why but then again I’ve never bothered to figure out how to adjust the spacing on WordPress posts. Mea culpa.

August 28, 2018

This Isn’t Funny Anymore

Filed under: ?, Birch River CC, CC's, freak hands, Gil Thorp, golf, Just plain sad, metapost — tdrewhardin @ 3:14 pm

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Gang, it looks as if Gil took the sure out instead of the questionable tho more helpful double play. This tournament coulda been called the “Miller Lite Everybody On The Planet And The Other Planets In The Solar System Plus The Members Of The Major Galaxies Is Welcome To Tee Off In Our Tournament Except Two Golf Clubs Who I’ll Hold Nameless But They Know Who They Are And I Don’t Want ANY Losers And Assholes Who Don’t Know Shit From A Black Hole About Ethics To Be In Our Sandbox Invitational”. Nope, Gil pursued the trite road and employed the Keep It Sane, Shithead method. Coach, if you can’t get even a whiff more original with your nomenclature, can we just hit the brakes and fast forward to the football plot? If you’re going to DRAG this one so that it overlaps with pigskin season, you might next time hit the Milford Public Library and check out Roget’s Thesaurus.

 

 

Okay, gang, Gene Rayburn is ready to play Match Game 2018 again so sharpen your wits and see if you’re up to the challenge

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW    DUMB   WAS  SHE?????????????), she thought she would lose her ___________ when she entered Gil’s Tournament.

 

Based upon a Twilight Zone episode I watched with relish (WALLACE V. WHIPPLE RULES!!!!!!!!)

 

Gil comes back from the Gil Thorp Benson & Hedges Pro-Am Open, unlocks the door to his office and discovers the Lost in Space robot sitting in his desk.

“What are YOU doing here?”

“I’m finishing up those physicals that need to be turned into the State Athletic Association by the end of the month. Since “Golf Story” is Held Over for another week at the Milford Bijou, SOMEBODY needed to put it on their shoulders to get them completed. and mine are made of titanium.”

“You have no business in my chair!! Now get out!!”

“Sorry, Coach, or shall I say even as I compute, ex-Coach, The school has undergone significant transformations.”

“We’ll see. I’m going to talk to Dr. Pearl about this.”

“You haven’t heard?”

__________________________________________________________________________________

Gil opens door and barges in. Gee, if you possess Arrogance of Power, a precious commodity in this strip the last 60 years, to stage a bad golf plot, whoops, “Golf Story-‘Where do I begin? To tell a story  that’s so sickeningly thin…'” is it REALLY necessary to KNOCK?

“Dr. Pearl, I need to talk to you. Whose brilliant idea was it to stick a robot in my chair? I’m going to call the police after they  engineer that meth bust at Milford Men’s Club–”

Notices R2D2 in what used to be Dr. Pearl’s chair. She forgot to take her Dr. Scholl Butt-E-Z seat cushion and R2D2 is livin’ large.

“Who the #%^&*@!+< are You?”

REEPEEROOPEERAPPELDAPPELPEEKEEFEEKEE

“R2!!!!! That is no way to address Coach Thorp!!! Just because he was voted out as coach doesn’t give you the right to tell him he couldn’t fuggin’ coach his way out of Dumbo the Elephant’s diaper bag!!!!!!!”

SKIPPEEBLIPPEETOTEMSCROTUMFLAKEEWACKY

“And I REALLY don’t appreciate your telling him his mother could do a better job with Wilson and Tony with clubs from the rebar pile at Milford Foundry!!!!! Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, Coach. Those Nacho Fries he ate at Taco Bell is really contorting the wires in his system. I hope you land that job as a chassis assembler at Milford Toyota. Have they called?”

___________________________________________________________________

“Gil, I just found out myself. we were hosting a backyard Bar-B-Q for the Milford Civitan Club when a man in a pin-stripe suit showed up. It didn’t appear he was wanting a Pulled Pork Pit sandwich and Amish potato salad on his Chinet plate with a Mudlar-K-Cream Red Soda. The Board voted you out but buy a narrower margin.”

 

 

Gil, Who the HELL is this woman in P2?

If Gil were a TV show and we watched the intro

The “Ironsides” theme blaring out of one of the speakers in the drive-in section of The Bucket, we see different scenes from Gil encouraging (?) a player in a basketball game to Mimi having a tender moment with Gil on the verandah, toasting with their glasses of Ovaltine, from the Down With Marty mob in the bleachers at a Milford HS tennis match (shoehorned in to look more like a Communist bloc) to an actual classroom scene where students are conjugating the verb “to masturbate” in Coach Kaz’s Latin 103 class, we see the credits evenly distributed on on the screen

 

Don Everly as Gil Thorp

Christie Brinkley as Mimi Thorp

Gary Coleman as Jamie Thorp

Susan Olson as Keri Thorp

Mr. T as Coach Kaz

Minnie Pearl as Dr. Pearl

George Jones as Coach Shaw

and introducing

Wilma Flintstone as the Lady Who Stands In Front Of The Birch River Country Club Property Because She Didn’t Pay Her Yearly Dues Because She Had To Pay Her Cable Bill

 

I mean, this plotline is getting desperate. Gil and Wilma, I hate to break this one to you but SCHOOL JUST STARTED for a lot of school systems around the country. Where did these families go on vacation? Sure, they got a discount to climb the Neuschwanstein Castle at Disneyworld and they’re living high off the hog (“Where’s the kitchen?”-“Daddy, Petey’s gotta go bad”, “I know, Honey, they told me the rest room was in the third tower, second door on the right”). But, Hey, the other families are rooted in reality and should make the Tournament if the traffic is okay.

But as long as we’re one happy family around here and we can beat Snidely Whiplash and his sons in the tournament, if they’re allowed to participate and in P3.53, Gil is evidently taking his golf clubs and going home, and make this an annual event like we’ve been doing for 60ish years, Communism will stay on the other side of the pond. The Milford Country Club might still have crab grass but Wilma can always call the Chem-Lawn man. BTW, Wilma, it’s amazing what age progression can do.

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlar-K-Orange-Cola truck drives psycho oil rig off Milford Palisades!!!!!”

sub headline

“The hero, Ferd Grantham,to be given Key to the City in special ticker-tape parade tomorrow.”

 

Gang, I LOVE Husker Du just as much as Tori Amos and Todd Rundgren so don’t be surprised to see me drawing from the well SEVERAL times from this Minneapolis trio. Might as well start somewhere

 

You can alter the script if you want

You can butcher it all to Hell

Throw logic out the door

Crack our sanity like peanut shells

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny

Anymore

 

You can write any plot you want

Stage tournaments when you damn well please

Don’t worry about when it ends

Even if the readers are begging on their knees

 

Marty Moon doing that interlude on his ukulele. Bob Mould he isn’t, gang, but you like variety, don’t you? Yeah, thought so.

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny

Anymore

 

Fight your foes to The Living End

This plot veering where the Hell it wants to go

Just ignore the wretching you hear from us

We’ll be dying of Thorpiverse vertigo

 

Marty breaks a string and the sound alters, “Land Speed Record” comers to mind so at least we’re not skipping a beat

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeee

It’s not funny

Anymore

 

We hope you’re happy that you nailed your man

We were snoozing while you did the very deed

It took forever but not surprised at all

Like Pa Bader, one day we shall be freed

 

Marty really pouring it on with his kazoo interlude

 

It’s not funny anymorrrrreeeeee

It’s not funny

ANYMORE

 

RIP, Grant Hart. You rode for free to Heaven. You brought joy to my life for 30+ years, Big Guy.

 

 

If yuz a Tournament Official and the teenagers fudge the scores becuz ya looked the other way to drop yore drawers cuz ya had ta relieve yoreself of all that Schlitz Tall Boys, ya might be a redneck.

Then there’s P3. This was avant-garde technology back in the ’60’s and ’70’s but the Thor/HephaestusPrint style is really wearing thin. Is it REALLY necessary to vulcanize parts of the strip so that we’re forced to use our Elementary Algebra skills? Why pour kerosene on an already raging, but boring, flame? In P3.6, Gil is still in the negotiating stages because in P3.374, Wilma is holding out for more participants in Gil’s Tournament. The kids want Doritos Cool Ranch served at the Tournament Banquet. Lays Sour Cream ‘n’ Onion is too salty and a couple of the kids have COPD, Gil. And can they bring their own clubs or do they have to use the ones from your gym, the ones used in Lifetime Sports? We’d rather bring our own. And can we bring the kids from “Eight is Enough?” And Lassie?  RUFF, RUFF!!!!!!!!! Oh, Gil, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!! Lassie asked what foursome she’s paired up with.

Oh, sure, it’s BYOC (…Clubs) anyway and we had to send those rusty pieces of steel to the Milford Dry Cleaners. Excuse me,I gotta put down the phone. I’m getting Thorpiverse vertigo again. Geez, I don’t see how Batman and The Joker put up with this angle. And we can squeeze Lassie in with Mr. Ed, Benji, and Jiminy Cricket. Goofy backed out. He injured his gloves from Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.

And the question Wilma poses in Ppi is just begging to be ripped up like the Milford phone book

“Gil, who’s invited to this Invitational?”

“I called the Pope and he told me it was contingent on what weekend the G7 Summit is held but The Rolling Stones had prior engaements. I declined The Hardy Boys after their drunken escapade last year. Me and Mimi don’t feel like scrubbing their puke this year. Oh, and Andy Rooney has agreed to be the keynote speaker this year at the banquet.”

If the Dalton Gang IS invited (Odds are horrible, you understand)

Gil to Clever Hans, the Official Scorekeeper of the Pine Ridge Boys

“Are you SURE it was a ‘4’ instead of a ‘5’?

STOMP!!!!!!!!! STOMP!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, that means ‘YES!!!!’ Now c’mon, the poor horse is getting hungry. After 18 holes, the poor thing’s gotta have his hay and his bag of Bolthouse Carrots.”

The Tournament Official then turns to the 10-year-old caddies

“BTW, will one of you grab a shovel and pick up his manure? He shot a wad on the greens on #17.”

 

Diane Gaines, thank you for ALL you do at TARC (Transit Authority of River City). You fill our tanks, get the vehicles coordinated well, get the workers around you to do their jobs more effectively. And in the morning, our vehicles are READY TO ROCK again. And you do it with a can-do approach. NOTHING gets you down. You always get my blood pumping with your encouragement and your enthusiasm. Thank you for ENCOURAGING ME.  If there’s a problem, you’ll get it solved. We need more like you, in life as well as on the job. Gang, take care of the Diane’s of the world. They ALWAYS take care of you.

 

Gang, comment away. Hey, if any of you has some loose change, could you swing it Wilma’s way? She’s halfway to paying off her yearly dues.

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go Go club, where some stragglers in Gil’s Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time cast are holding out the last few days of August.

“She thinks IIIIIIIII still carrrrrrreeeeeeeee…”

 

“Coach Shaw, my name’s Sonny Tucker, booking agent for The Grand Ole Opry. You have a few minutes?”

Metapost: Folks, I do a little light editing of T. Drew’s posts since I’ve given up my daily slot. That said, sometimes I do wanna post a video.  Anyway, this song has been sticking with me lately. Paul Schafer is way too excited in the earlier choruses… – TimP

August 22, 2018

Mr. Scorer Speaks For Us All

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, lessons learned, metapost, oversize objects, Pissy faced Gil — teenchy @ 5:35 am

 

 

Gil’s doppelgänger has taken the words out of our collective mouths.  There’s nothing Mr. Scorer can do, except have scorers accompany the golfers as so many have pointed out since this whole travesty began.  There’s nothing you readers can do except, well, stop reading.  There’s nothing we bloggers can do except stop blogging keep on keeping on pointing out the ridiculous aspects of the story arc, like the huge talking golf bags front and center in P3.

metapost: robmize, you wanna jump in and run with this ball?

Metapost: Hello gang – I guess Teenchy didnt get the memo about his enforced vacation this week but its ok– I cant get up at 5:35 if my life depends on it, much less to write this blog, regardless of my pre-conceived interest in it. I have more thoughts on this but have to run some errands this morning so I’ll be back this afternoon – hope your all enjoying your beverages — Rob

So I’m assuming Gil is talking to 2 different people in P2 and P3, based on their shirt colors. I dont know which guy has more authority, but after you plead your case with 1 guy, and he says ‘nothing we can do about it’ (damn yes there WAS something you could do about it but you chose not to) why press the issue with another guy? Why think you’ll get a different answer? I still hope these cheaters get their come-uppence but the strokes that were not counted are lost to the ages unless someones out there with a video camera.. oh yeah – Milford You Tube Channel! Where’s ParrotHead when we need him??

Yes its a streaky game. I once hit 10 greens in regulation in a row en route to an 80. Not 1 birdie in that run even though I didnt hit a bad shot for 2 hours. 2 hours hitting it on the screws every time! Imagine..  8 pars and 2 bogeys. I was so locked in I could’ve shut my eyes while I was swinging and put it on the green. Another time I made 3 birdies in a row and rimmed out the 4th try. My score for the round? 91. My hole-in-one round was otherwise uneventful as I shot 98 on a day so hot my mom thought it was too hot for us to go out. We said we’re riding carts. Good thing I didnt listen to mom that day. Another time I made my first 6 putts of the round. I also went 98 straight holes without going into a sand trap. (5 1/2 rounds, but 2 of the courses had no bunkers).  I started keeping track after 2 rounds in a row trap-less; its not something I normally keep track of, if you were wondering. :)

All that stuff above is very hard to do– and it was all a small sample size of the whole round. So you can get hot for a while and still shoot what you normally shoot almost every time.  But again, Gil is shutting the barn door after the horse got away. This is files under ‘lessons learned’ for sure.

 

 

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