This Week in Milford

February 13, 2019

Never Happy? Are You Kidding? They’re Delirious!

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Somewhere on the streets of Milford, an unknown man leaves his dumpy apartment on Poplar for his dead-end job. Maybe he stocks the shelves at McShane’s Hardware, or washes dishes at Schultz’s Polynesian Garden. He’s gotta wring every last drop out of his tired ’90s econobox (maybe a Plymouth Breeze?), so when the steering wheel rubber starts to crumble, it gets covered with one of those lace-it-yourself leather covers from Milford Auto Parts. He’d been saving up for an aftermarket stereo for the beater but bills gotta get paid so it’s still the tinny AM-FM unit for now. It can’t pick up stations outside the Valley so it’s good old WDIG for him. At least he can listen to Marty Moon; that’s one guy whose life can’t be any less miserable than his.

But what’s this? Marty sounds practically giddy on the air this morning! Must be that new kid sidekick of his, Howdy Booby or something like that. Listen to the two of them feed off each other, like a couple of leeches they are. If it wasn’t for Coach Thorp these two jagoffs would have nothing to talk about. You’d think they’d cover college ball once in a while. Wonder how that Miles Standish kid is doing at Wake Forest? Or the one who didn’t talk, like Mongo. Didn’t he go to State U?

Yeah, that Coach Thorp. He’s the straw that stirs the drink in Milford. Wasn’t for him there’d be no media in this tank town. One fewer blog on the intertubes, that’s for sure.

That reminds me: did you ever have the feeling you were being watched?

 

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December 26, 2018

Hatters Gonna Hat

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Gil Thorp, metapost, Milford Weirdos — teenchy @ 6:47 am

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Happy Boxing Day, when we return to the current status quo instead of speculating yet again as to how Gil and Mimi’s kids disappeared and how they may be retconned out of or back into the strip.  The Mudlarks hit the road for another non-conference tilt which, if the Thorpiverse’s Milford were still clearly in Connecticut and not implicitly in Michigan, wouldn’t be an unreasonably far trip.  The Danbury Mad Hatters were a minor league hockey team while Danbury High School’s sports teams are simply the Hatters.  The Wikipedia entry for the Mad Hatters hockey team notes that the franchise replaced the Danbury Trashers, which were infamous for having been owned by a trashman with purported mob ties who installed his 17-year-old son as president and general manager. (That last link, aptly described as “The Sopranos meets Slap Shot,” is an entertaining read if you have the time.)

The words and the images in the first two panels of today’s strip don’t seem to align. It looks like the Mudlarks are dressing into their road uniforms in a locker room that doesn’t quite look like Milford’s. Then again, there’s not a great deal of variability in high school locker rooms and it’s been established that Milford teams practice in their game uniforms (occasionally accessorized with pinnies).  They’re wrapping up practice before the road trip to Danbury and Andre is trying to impress upon scrawny Marcell that making That 70’s Show references is Marginal Mike Filion’s schtick even though this is only the second time we’ve seen him do it.

On to the game action, where it looks like the Mad Hatters play underneath the stands at Fenway Park.  No doubt Danbury will bury Milford, which will keep the Mudlarks winless, the billboards fresh, and this plot stumbling forward to an inane resolution.  Here’s hoping you all have awakened from your food comas and are gradually easing yourselves into your post-holiday routines.

metapost: GoComics hasn’t updated its Gil Thorp page since 12/22.  Not sure what’s going on there, but it may mean we’ll be using the color version from elsewhere from now on.

December 5, 2018

But Did Milford Beat Tilden?

Remember football?

Pepperidge Farm remembers

But Milford doesn’t

 

“VT P-U”? Is

Valley Tech playing Dover

Boys from Pimento?

 

Rough year for Techies

Old Dominion beat VT

Now it’s Milford’s turn

 

Milford not used to

Being number one for a while

Sign guy broke his wrist

 

Hiawatha James

Remember him from baseball?

Great name but no lines

 

Know what else is an

Uncharacteristic romp?

No Jansen and no Bolek

 

Also no cheap shots

Express or implied

Where’s the burial?

 

 

metapost: Trying to learn to use the new WordPress Gutenberg editor on the fly.  Hope this doesn’t look too wonky.

November 21, 2018

Help a Buddy Out?

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Today’s cameo

By Toshiro Mifune

Which film, I’m not sure

 

Surprised Whigham drew

Recognizable actor

Mudlarks look alike

 

How many of you

Knew that was Bolek next to

Tiki in the caf?

 

“Feeling frisky” is

Euphemism for “horny”

Is it sexy time?

 

Nah. Let’s interrupt

The Kurosawa screening

For some adventure

 

“Help a buddy out”

Will translate into filming

Some wacky hijinks

 

Phone camera vid

Of Tiki getting bullied

Make it go viral!

 

Toshiro would be

As confused as we all are

With what’s going on

 

 

Haiku metapost:

Here’s to our Ned Ryerson

Ten years at the helm

 

How has he done it?

It’s been hard enough for me

To post twice a week

 

Ned is the straw that

Stirs This Week in Milford’s drink

Here’s to ten years more…?

October 10, 2018

Kaz Has More Balls Than Joe…

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… and that’s all I have to say about that.

Seriously, what kind of bullshit rationale is that for joining the team?  What can Kaz and Gil expect out of this kid Joe?  With such a short attention span, who’s to say Bolek won’t wander off just when the Mudlarks need him to punt a ball away? He can’t even be bothered to stick around to see the end of the game. (Here’s where I break the fourth wall for a moment to ask TWIM‘s unofficial SID billytheskink how many times we’ve been shown a Milford football game without knowing who won.)

I could be bothered to supply a rationale for Joe – for example, he’d seen enough of Milford’s bad, non-Sam Finn punting to know that the team needed him – but why should I come up with an excuse for him? He’s gonna need enough excuses for himself when his teammates stuff him in a locker for not coming out and busting his hump in practice from the beginning of the season.

October 3, 2018

I came here to snark on bad coaching, not to become a cineaste!

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Kaz and Joe stood there and looked at each other in silence for five minutes?  That settles it: Kaz is not salaried faculty or staff but hourly contingent labor. In any universe even remotely based in reality a coach might have given a student 5 seconds – okay, 10 seconds if we’re being generous – to answer before telling them to get out of their office the hallway and go to their next period class, or catch a school bus, or whatever.

As with The Legend of Bagger Vance, I’m not going to rehash the plot of Rififi here. The Wikipedia entry for the film states that “[a]fter he was blacklisted from Hollywood, [Director Jules] Dassin found work in France where he was asked to direct Rififi. Despite his distaste for parts of the original novel, Dassin agreed to direct the film. He shot Rififi while working with a low budget, without a star cast, and with the production staff working for low wages.” Low budget? No stars? Staff working for low wages? We could be talking about the Mudlark football team and its coaching staff.

I’d be okay with the next 28 panels of this strip having no dialogue and just action. You?

 

metapost: Do any of you loyal readers read TWIM on a smartphone?  I compose it on a Dell laptop with AdBlock Plus installed, but usually read comments during the day on an Android phone. Often when I do, I get spammy popup ads telling “Dear Andriod User” that I have won something or other and which I cannot close or navigate away from without closing my browser.  If anyone else is having those problems, please comment (I mean, in addition to any snark) so we can get to the bottom of this. Thanks.

September 22, 2018

Don’t Look So Excited, Jason

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Jason looks as though he’d rather be keeping wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen as Kaz readies him to go over the top, then under the bus.  If this is the same Jason (Weibe) who just scored a touchdown on the last drive, why put one of your offensive weapons at risk like that?  I get that he’s a tight end and, unlike Heather Burns, probably has enough size to hold his own on the line, but still: we’ve seen no exposition that he’s practiced at the position.  How many elbows does Kaz have to get his arm around Jason’s shoulder like that?

Speaking of the anatomically implausible, is Sam Finn rolling on his own ankle as he reaches for the felt electric football?   That’ll set up a Weibe-to-Malouf punting combo even more disastrous than the last two.  There are obvious answers here, first being have the Mudlarks’ regular center snap the ball directly to Sam, who can take a two-step drop and and quick-kick.  If Milford operates out of the shotgun from time to time, the center should be used to snapping the ball a greater distance than a conventional snap, which would give Sam even more room for a quick-kick.

This will give Marty, now sporting cupcake liners in his headset, prime fodder for his postgame show.  How could Gil, Kaz, Steve & co. put such an ill-prepared special teams unit on the field?  Did they spend too much time on baseball?

metapost: The slow-motion disaster post-Hurricane Florence continues to unfold in Bakst country.  We no longer get a bonfire in Milford, but down there is a bonfire that’s having its own share of troubles.  Again, if any of you TWIMers were in the path of Florence and are dealing with the aftermath, holler at us and let us know you’re alright.

September 15, 2018

Oh Snap!

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Since we’ve dropped the non sequitur about student film buffs and Chekov’s crosswalk for the moment, let’s turn our attention to the practice field where Gil and his staff are turning their attention to special teams.  Let’s break down what we’re seeing here:

  1. Steve Boone is looking younger every year. Must be all that blood going to his cheeks that doesn’t have to go to his left arm anymore.  Oops, did I just say that out loud?
  2. Speaking of left arms, what the hell is going on with Gil’s? Is he supposed to be cupping his hand to his mouth or his ear? Is he signaling for a first down or is that one of those once-innocuous hand gestures that’s now some kind of secret white supremacist code signal?
  3. Sam Finn was a backup at guard for a certain greasy-haired Mudlark who shall remain nameless last season. He’ll probably get more touches than said greasy-haired player this season which leads me to…
  4. Do kids really start specializing as long snappers in high school?  Does Milford, which had to play a female ex-trainer at tight end last season, really have the kind of depth for that?  They apparently don’t have anyone who knows how to punt, which does occasionally happen on high school teams. Can Gil still not convince any soccer players to come out for the team?
  5. Why has Gil yet to retire  the jersey number of his unicorn in football cleats?

metapost: If any of you TWIMers out there live in the path of Hurricane/Tropical Storm Florence, please check in and let us know you’re okay.  Most of teenchy’s friends and fam in Bakst country are doing fine, some without power but none with major property damage or yet displaced from their homes.  Fingers crossed…

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