This Week in Milford

September 22, 2021

#blownoffthorp

So much for that breather! The Mudlarks slow things down so much that night turned into day. Milford scores 13 more points after switching from the vaunted Delaware Wing-T and hangs half a hundred on Oakwood. It’s a wonder Tod Andrews (that is Tod, innit?) isn’t giving Gil a piece of his mind for running up the score on his hapless Owls.

Up in his crate, Evil Spock Marty gleefully calls the game. No doubt he believes Marjie Ducey’s departure to warmer pastures has cemented Milford’s status as his town. Marty had better keep his head on a swivel, though, since Heather Burns is on the scene quicker than you can tweet #radioisadyingmedium.

Heather’s thumbs are quicker than Marty’s lungs, and her approach to sports reporting is fresher than Shane Beamer’s postgame presser after the Georgia-South Carolina game. She’s got no time for Gil’s old man football coachspeak; she’s off to track down the man of the hour, Chance “Don’t Call Me Blowtop” Macy, and give him a squeeze.

Careful where you grab Chance, Heather: five years’ age difference might not mean much to the cruisers at Barney’s Pub (speaking of Evil Spock Marty) but when it’s a recent high school graduate and a high school senior, well, let’s just say it’s not always looked upon kindly.

September 4, 2021

Heather Burns Throws Worse Than a Girl!

I mean, come on! Look at that form! Gil tosses Heather a foil-wrapped chocolate football, she grips it like a loofah and throws it back to him all misshapen? If she can do that to a football, maybe she could have been the S&C coach.

Finally Rubin gets around to addressing the 125-pound tight end in the room – conflict of interest – but he can’t come out and say it literally. Instead he has to use the same euphemism he did during last year’s QB controversy. What possible role could he have for Heather that doesn’t involve her actually coaching the Mudlarks? Lemme guess: he’ll coerce her into writing some kind of “insider football tips” column in the Star along with her regular reporting. I’m sure he called her boss Dale and cleared it all ahead of time; this is his town after all. Be prepared to see Gil require his players to read Heather’s column daily, maybe even going so far as to require them to buy the Star off the rack or even subscribe. Can you imagine Gil helps build Heather’s resume and single-handedly boosts the flagging circulation of a dying medium? The mind boggles!

Hang on for this thrill ride: it surely will be more surprising than Gil trotting out the Delaware Wing-T yet again.

September 3, 2021

Macy back, Ducey.. gone.

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp, Heather Burns, Milford Alumni — robmize2013 @ 5:05 pm

Wow, Gils gonna do something 2 years in a row? When did he roll this offense out last year, December? Actually it was December 4. Remember then?

So Marjie couldnt ask these questions this year? At least Gil lives up to his promise of Chance Macy coming back. 9 months later, our wait until they get good at it is over. Well, they arent good at it yet, and Chance Macy cant do it all by himself. I’m sure some other offensive characters graduated, and you still need a defense Gil. So dont be all haughty like you are in P3 last year. And we have our tease for the day as Gil hints at a role for Heather. What the hell could that be? She sure aint eligible to play thats for sure. And how many years did Marjie ask Gil questions like this and Gil never gave her a role besides writing lineups on a notebook?! The Marjie angst continues…

So whatever Heather does, the Marjie crowd will ask ” Why coudnt Marjie do it?” All we can do is remember the old days.

August 28, 2021

He Made Her an Offer She Could Refuse

The transformation is well under way. Heather has swapped her slightly orange-tinged hair color for Marjie’s light blonde. Now she just needs to get her ponytail lopped off and shaped into a bob and then, after a visit to Milford Opticians, no one will know the difference.

Of course Gil sees Heather’s new role as a blessing in disguise; he’ll neither have to provide her a concessions stipend nor defend to the Mudlark Booster Club his decision to put a woman on his football coaching staff. Still that doesn’t stop him from trying to hit her up for volunteer work. “Are you kidding?” Heather must be thinking. “Your pay is so bad, you not only have to teach little kids golf in the summertime, you have to go stock shelves at Target afterwards!” (Seriously, never wear a red polo shirt when shopping at Target.)

Thankfully we can put this dud of a summer plot behind us – a plot that, except for the writing out of Marjie Ducey, was as boring and predictable as the high-five from Gil that Heather can return with her eyes closed.

What a poor sendoff for Marjie, huh? I’m gonna rectify that in a separate post.

August 25, 2021

Institutionalized

“We’re wondering, Heather – have you ever considered circular breathing? See how I can talk to you while snorting my coffee?”

“Why? Will you give me a job if I do?”

“Yes, we’ll give you my job.”

“But… you’re an institution!”

“No, but if I don’t blow this Popsicle stand soon I might be in an institution. All I wanted was a retirement package, and he wouldn’t give it to me!”

“Seriously though, I got a lead from Mr. Bakst on a sweet condo outside of Charleston. Once you accept, I’ll be out of here quicker than you can say ‘shrimp and grits.'”

Can it be? Rubin’s gonna retire a long-running character to make way for a new one?

Faithful TWIMer (and host of his own Gil Thorp blog) Mopman predicted in yesterday’s comments that the Star would offer Heather a gig, rather than a job, “providing the ‘inside scoop’ for a season of Mudlark football” à la ESPN’s Hard Knocks. That might be an option, but then what becomes of Marjie? Once editor guy realizes Heather can add more to the Star’s sports reporting than simply reciting a list of names Gil reels off to her, Marjie’s fate is sealed. Lower pay, fewer benefits, no more employer-funded pensions – it’s a no-brainer!

Know what else is a no-brainer? Including the phrase “conflict of interest” in at least one panel between now and Saturday. Let’s see if it happens!

August 21, 2021

I Love Ducey

Now’s the time all America waits for; that one evening each week where we all sit down to watch the latest hijinks from America’s favorite wacky redhead sports reporter. Wacky… redhead… sports… reporter…

Wait, what?

Okay, Whigham, start ‘splainin’.* As for the rest of you gentle readers, why do you suppose Marjie’s a redhead today?

  1. She noticed John Jawor had dyed his hair yesterday and didn’t want him to feel self-conscious so she dyed hers in solidarity.
  2. She’s going to cosplay as Velma Dinkley at Central City Comic-Con this coming weekend.
  3. The Milford Star has a one-blonde-per-staff quota and since Heather Burns has all but gone through new hire orientation, Marjie got the hint that she’s old news.

You know, maybe it is time for new blood at the Star. When your sports reporter starts writing on her laptop screen with a ballpoint pen, you gotta think she might no longer be the sharpest knife in the drawer. When all she can do is regurgitate the lists of player names Gil spouts to her, someone who knows how to use the Google is at the next level. When she dares contradict the all-powerful Gil Thorp when he wants to publicly shame a small-time golf hustler, she might want to polish up that résumé.

Tune in next week when Heather Burns spruces up her new desk in the Star newsroom while a mysterious redhead applies for a night shift waitressing job at Janet’s Diner. When Maureen asks, “Hey, hon, you look familiar. What’s your name?” the mysterious redhead replies “Margo. Margo Duchesne.”

*Contrary to popular belief, Desi never said to Lucy “you got some ‘splainin’ to do!”

August 18, 2021

What Is It About Industrial Solvent Sales That Leads People to a Life of Crime?

So much for Carter’s – I mean, Carson’s – stint in the Witness Protection Program. Little Miss Investigative Reporter Wannabe has joined the MCC (why else would she be wearing the same colored polo shirt as everyone else? Maybe it’s a Bemidji State polo shirt), thrown on no fewer than six of her extra jangly bracelets and blown his cover. Time for him to hit the road, create another alias and sell stolen golf shoes from the trunk of his car.

It’s been a long day at work (meta) and it’s not over yet so yhs is firing off a late post. I could spend the rest of the evening trying to analyze this so it makes some kind of logical sense but why try? Rubin is throwing exposition left and right to make this golf cheat – clearly the lowest form of humanity in the Thorpiverse – look like even more of a criminal. The Milford Country Club is not a court of competent jurisdiction but here it carries more weight than the Supremes. Do we even have to point out that being charged with a crime isn’t the same thing as being convicted of it? By the end of the week Carson/ter will have been found to be behind the art heist from the Gardner Museum and the ammonium nitrate explosion in Beirut.

How did Hendry/ricks get younger looking from P1 to P3? Is he going to de-age with each accusation until he turns into a fetus, or was he really this age to begin with? Come to think of it, couldn’t these photos of him online have been deepfaked? We know Google exists in the Valley so the “1959 with cell phones” excuse can’t last for much longer.

Really, instead of looking all deer-in-the-headlights and throwing up the jazz hands, all he had to do was stonewall, call Heather’s little screen grabs “fake news” and he’d have been in the clear. After all, if you repeat a lie often enough, doesn’t it become the truth? Tens of millions would agree.

August 14, 2021

One Short of a Foursome Again

At Casa Thorp, Gil quickly moves from leaning in behind Heather Burns before Mimi comes back into the living room delivering three Red Bull and vodkas. That ain’t all she’s delivering: with that crop top along with the less formal sweatpants with built-in camel toe, she’s bringing the fan service in on that same silver platter.

Before Heather loosens up and gets ready for this threesome, she has to drop the bombshell from the last threesome she had with Gil: that there was no such person as Carter Hendricks until two years ago. Before then, he was known as Jami Thorp Rupert Hall. No, he’ll end being someone else – Henry Carter or some such – who played for Boise Bridgewater Bemidji Ball State in his color-shifting rain jacket.

Now that that’s settled, can we wrap this up and give Heather her Milford Star by day, Milford Mudlark by night dual life ASAP? NFL preseason got fully under way tonight and so will high school football in a lot of places over the next couple of weeks.

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