This Week in Milford

August 4, 2021

“I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s going to come down for quite a while.”

It’s a day full of cliches at the MCC, but why blind pigs and acorns? Why not blind squirrels and nuts? Blind pigs and acorns make the best jamón ibérico de bellota, but with size of the bets Carter’s been making I think squirrel jerky Underwood Deviled Ham is more in line with his budget.

Meanwhile, something mysterious appears on the horizon. Funnel cloud? Vic Doucette’s grandpa van? Hendricks’ crappy shot to bluff Heather and Gil? Why not all of the above? Will this group call it quits before they get to see the true nature of the sandbag, or will they play through and tempt the wrath of higher powers?

meta: Wasn’t Local H a topic of discussion on a Rock ‘n Roll Thursday some time back? I’ve lost track of those ever since I switched from posting Thursdays to Wednesdays. In any event I just stumbled across Local H’s cover of TV On The Radio (a band I’ve really been into for the past year or so)’s “Wolf Like Me.” Sharing it here with the original to jog memories and invite comparisons.

July 28, 2021

What Happened to Janet?

So it’s now the
Milford Diner?
It’s no longer
Named for Janet?
‘Cause it must be
Janet’s Diner
There can’t be
one more in Milford

An old stomping
ground for Heather
Not like she
doesn’t know the place
And like a
chronic illness
there’s still
that snoop Maureen

So what’s up with
Marjie Ducey?
Does she have
the inside angle?
Did she get it
From Dale Parry?
‘Cause she didn’t
Interview her

Don’t you think
It’s kinda weird
That they’re talking
About work
When Heather has
no job offer?
It seems
so premature

“You say you
were an intern
Can you make
a cup of coffee?
See, I am
The top reporter
I’m not giving
up that title”

“So you’d better
find another role
Like selling
website ad space
You don’t see me
Coaching football players!
You should
Just stay in your lane!”

“Hey Ms. Ducey –
I mean ‘Marjie’ –
I’m not gunning
for your title
I’m just trying
to earn money
Since Coach Thorp
Ain’t payin’ bupkis

“I have covered
boring meetings
Filled with all the
Self-important
Like that blowhard
Abel Brito
I think
I get the drift”

“Well alright,
then it’s settled
You can go case
the Country Club
I’ve heard that
There’s been gambling
And it’s not
the legal kind…”

“So if you break the story…
And we publish it
Under my byline…”

“I’ll pick up the next drink tab
and you can save some dough…”

July 24, 2021

Heather Rennt (oder “Run Heather Run”)

I wished I could play soccer

I couldn’t, though I tried

I wished I could play football

I didn’t have the size

I am my daddy’s princess

He thinks I’m really grand

And when I was in high school

Played everything but band

I wish I was a writer

Who rakes in lots of green

I haven’t got a prayer

You know just what I mean

I wish I wasn’t desperate

To pay off student loans

I wish I could leave Milford

Who knows just where I’d roam?

Today’s strip is another clear example of Rubin’s horrifically poor pacing ability. Heather’s interview at the Star was featured in the first strip of this arc. If he drags out the hiring decision as long as he dragged out the Milford Library Board decision it’ll be mid-to-late August before she gets the offer – just in time for football season and wacky conflicts of interest. Watch the unpaid offensive line coaching assistant get paid to report on the team she assistant coaches! Watch her stonewall Marty Moon to keep WDIG from getting the inside scoop from the Milford locker room! Watch the Mudlark players give Heather the silent treatment for fear she’ll put anything they say in print!

If only this strip had the same time loop premise as the movie. Heather might’ve kept on running and knocked Marjie to the pavement. The subsequent skull fracture would’ve sidelined Marjie indefinitely and made the job all Heather’s.

meta: I added the “Make and Model Mystery Mobile” tag because I couldn’t figure out if the cinder block on wheels behind Marjie was a Scion xB or a Mercedes-Benz G-wagen. Thinking the latter sent me down a German rabbit hole that led me to the inspiration for today’s post.

July 23, 2021

Dirty thoughts

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Milford Alumni, Secret Thoughts — robmize2013 @ 9:53 pm

So Heathers dad is congratulating her on her new gig as assistant football coach, entirely hired over lemonade by a head coach who didnt know she was coming to the golf course in the first place and hadnt seen her in 4 years anyway. Sheesh, I know Tony LaRussa was hired over a cup of coffee 30 years after last managing the White Sox (I still have a soft spot in my heart for him after he brought a division title to my town for the first time even though he got pantsed in the playoffs; they wernt gonna lose to the Phillies in the World Series but couldnt get past the smarter Orioles) and like Jerry Reinsdorf, Gil isnt even interviewing anyone else for this position; but my god, how the hell does he know her level of coaching knowledge 4 years after last applying it?

I used to play the organ for a number of years, and lost interest gradually after high school. Other things came along etc. If you think I could sit down and play a song 4 years after I last touched the keyboard, I’d say you were nuts. And even Heather knows its not a “real” job. Sounds more like an internship. And in P3 we have her dads though balloon saying .. we’ll see how this gig affects the rest of your time when I can use you as I see fit….

Cant wait to find out what Pops has in mind!

July 21, 2021

Getting Hammered at the MCC? What Else Is New?

“How small of a stipend are we talking about, Mr. Coach Thorp?

“Remember how far I held my fingers apart earlier? That’s how small your stipend will be.”

“Seriously? I thought you were talking about your post-practice shrinkage in the showers.”

“Just for that crack, no hot dog for you. Just a drink per game.”

So between her internship at the Star and her stipend from Gildeaux, Heather’s gonna pay down those student loans. Yeah, sure. Maybe that’s where the “I’d love to have you” part comes in. (Offensive line coach at a Big Ten school? Only if she was coaching them the way Clara Bow was alleged to coach the boys at USC.) But hey, at least she’ll be making more than Steve Boone. Can any of the faithful confirm whether he ever got a raise? Will he quit once he finds out about Heather?

Back to the golf mooks. TIL Vegas is a golf betting game for foursomes that involves combining each of a pair’s scores to get a numerical value; the pair with the lower value for a hole wins money from the pair with the higher value of a certain amount per difference in stroke (see here for an example). It’s just more filler to hammer home the point that gambling’s going on at the MCC, but the fact that Hendricks is still wearing his red polo shirt might lead us to think he’s an MCC employee, in which case his betting would be either doubleplusungood or quickly swept under the turf.

July 16, 2021

Summer Burns

Cant believe Heather doesnt know where Gil is in mid – July– didnt she go to Milford for 4 summers and hang out at MCC at least once?

What the hell is going on in P2? Bunch of little kids doing everything but learn to play golf. Nobodys even looking at Gil, or at each other. Again, the parents are presumably paying for golf lessons, and Gil says– Ok kids, lessons over. Go back to goofing around with golf clubs that in 1 case are longer then the kid. And if thats a putting green, then I’m a monkeys uncle.

P3 has the reunion with another former student, around whom the summer plot will presumably run. And first things first– Heather has no idea what she’s gonna do after college. No shame– many people take a while to find their niche in the competitive job market no matter how they did in college. But my god– by freakin July at least she should have SOMETHING lined up. Lifeguard, internship at some business, store manager, jesus– well maybe I’ll head over to the golf course and have lemonade with Gildo, and he can hook me up with some part time coaching gig until I find a real job. Those counselors at Milford really did a good job preparing me for the future. When all else fails, head to the golf course. Heck with college degrees, resumes, interviews, more interviews, ol Gil will always bail me out. Hey I could always wax the floors with Steve Luhm.

July 14, 2021

I’m shocked – SHOCKED! – that I’m using this line again!

We start today with more golf gibberish to the effect that grinning idiot Hendricks here flubbed a shot but got lucky and close to the hole. As a result, he wins a bet with the sturdy looking dude with the color-changing shirt and bucket hat. Shades of Lanny Penn again, maybe – but what’s this? I know there’s a movement afoot to replace Andrew Jackson’s likeness on the $20 bill, but it’s with Harriet Tubman‘s, not Val Kilmer’s.

Quick cut to the offices of the Milford Star where Marjie Ducey’s talking to her editor, whose body looks suspiciously like Gil’s when he’s making the mangia bene hand gesture. Presumably he’s got Heather Burns’ resume in front of him, which should look a little like this:

EDUCATION

BA, Journalism, University of Iowa, Iowa City, IA, 2021

High School Diploma, Milford High School, Milford, ??, 2017

WORK EXPERIENCE

Assistant Coach, Milford 7-on-7 football practice, 2017

Life Coach to Confused NBA Players, 2017

Varsity Football, Tight End, Tackling Dummy, Fifth-String Quarterbacks Coach, Assistant Trainer, and General Distraction, 2016

Varsity Soccer, Dead Weight, ???-2016

Alright, Rubin’s got about six weeks for this arc. How are these rando panels gonna come together, then, gentle readers? Heather Burns gets a job with the Star, but not a permanent job – Milford’s too much of a tank town to need more than one reporter – so she’ll serve as Marjie’s unpaid intern. Marjie puts her on the trail of this gambling and counterfeiting ring at the Milford CC, launching Heather’s career as an investigative reporter* somewhere else while Marjie gets to keep her top dog status at the Star.

*Because that worked out so well for Dafne Dafonte.

August 28, 2020

Is that how you carry a golf bag?

Filed under: ?, baseball, Just plain sad, Milford Alumni, Milford Idiots, Where is Milford? — robmize2013 @ 5:36 pm

Now we get a rehashing of the events of 3 weeks ago (at least) from our friend Corinna about the ballgame/picnic yadda yadda yadda. We really need to hear that again today only because True didnt know about it, but thats a dumb ass reason to move to a city! For free food. Yep. Otherwise the town blows, but that free food once in a lifetime sure sold me. Sheesh.

True’s outfit is interesting- a black t-shirt under a Wake Forest shirt with the sleeves cut off. Why not just wear one or the other? Its still August for chrissakes. Thats the best he can do for that big pro contract huh? And the Rays hat showing off his pro team.

What the hell are they doing with golf bags sitting around talking? If thats only an equipment bag, how much shit do you need to play catch? So many odd things in 1 strip.

Then the best part- Panel 3- True says his college (on that shirt) HAD to fly him in? To Milford? For what? To work out?? With who? Some chick going to remedial school? Or an official baseball catcher assigned to him by WF? And most of all, WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WHAT CORINNA SAID IN P2??

So many dots to connect here and I’m just dying to know what Rays official looked at the plane schedule out in Tampa and came up with Milford as True’s destination. Chicago? Nope. Nashville? Nada. Hey how about even Atlanta? Oh no. No way do they have anyone hanging around with a catchers mitt that looks like a hat. Milford it is.

Finally – is True pointing at his shirt when he refers to WF? Again? Didnt he point at his hat talking about Tampa?

2 morons. 1 non-existent storyline. Tune in tomorrow when his official catcher shows up on the 19th hole.

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