This Week in Milford

February 21, 2019

Girls Just Want To Play Ball

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Didn’t the Mudlark Girls Basketball season just whiz on by? I know they only play five games but I couldn’t even go to the fridge for a Grape Nehi, I might miss something. Isn’t Mudlark Girls Basketball Camp just right around the corner? Oh, there’s softball. No problem. Once the homer umpires are lined up, the 6-game season, grueling though it sometimes is, oughta be done before you can say Daffy Duck.

And I’m connecting a lot of dots here. Mimi “No Games” Thorp is overloadin’ on the Hills Brothers to conceal her true colors, i.e., she checked in last week at Milford Detox Center because the bottle was getting the better of her. We know, Mimi, a 5-game season can stretch your mental health and the dam just broke. Go party ’til it’s 2099 (we already passed 1999) and don’t worry about Gil. He has plenty of Reader’s Digest Condensed Books to keep him busy. We at least we know what he’s been doing when the coaching was ebbing in his life. Oh, also, when the Cocoa Puffs bird’s wife was in the hospital because she was going through labor pains (Well, SOMEBODY’S got to take Mr. Cocoa Puff’s bird’s place when he retires; why not his son/daughter?) , Gil filled in on a dime. He might be bouncing off the wall in the office after all the Cocoa Puffs he ate after enduring several commercial shoots but Kaz can cart in a dolly full of bananas from the cafeteria. Anyway, next time you see a psycho with a Joe Friday precipice advertising Lucky Charms or Cocoa Puffs, assume Lucky the Leprechaun and Koko the Cuckoo took a personal day and Gil had a bye week.

 

Oh yes, it’s Ladies’ Night

And she dumped Gil tonight

Oh yes, it’s Ladies’ Night

She’s drinkin’ Sprite

 

As part of Black History Month, Kool & The Gang, a group I deeply respect and admire, will be helping me today to scorch Mimi, who evidently has a lot of time on her hands and a lot of money if she’s spending MORE time at Darney’s Pub than in the gym, teaching her girls how to shoot free throws. At least get Gil’s lazy ass off the concrete slabs he was sitting on and let him be a proxy coach. He might see an epiphany along the way and the girls out-free throw the opposition, if they don’t learn any plays. Heck, I bet they don’t even know how to DRIBBLE or PLAY DEFENSE, Mimi’s been a slum landlord. But with Gil leading the way to teach them that there is no one guarding you and pummel the opposition without grasping the Give-and-Go? It can happen.

 

We might as leap over Girl’s Basketball, it was a speed bump anyway. Honestly, has ANYONE seen the girls play this season?  I will croak if they have Midnight Madness. How can you have Senior Night? Where would you hold it since it’d be silly to stage the event in a venue that wasn’t used by the girls at all, save for Girls P.E., and I’m not even holding my breath on THAT one. It’s kind of unique to have varsity letter winners in a sport they had zero participation in. We’ll get ’em next year. At least the Cubs showed up when they said the same thing.

And while Gil is getting tendinitis of the gluteus maximus while reaching the 1000th page of “War and Peace”, Mimi is engrossed in Peggy Sue’s culinary habits (“Peggy Sue/I love you/But cover your mouth when you chew/O Peggy, My Peggy Sueeeeeeee…”) at a dive started by Barney Fife from the money he saved from the Mayberry R.P.D. Retirement Fund (C’mon, you know Barney the Dinosaur couldn’t have had a hand in this-serving Gerst to the kids?-“WOW, that stuff’s too strong to be a Yoo Hoo!!!!!!! And you don’t need a chaser for Grape Kool-Aid!!!!!!!!!!!!” “Barney, you look funny with foam on your mouth”, all the kids giggling and snickering from Sideshow Bob’s remark) .

That’s right, Mimi. You’re so preoccupied with losses from graduation next year, not to mention Peggy Sue’s slurping Heinz Ketchup from the Nacho Fries Barney imported from Taco Bell that you hardly noticed that bowl of Cream of Wheat onthe table and the upside-down bottle of Cutty Sark you wash it down with. Yeah, I’ll admit Denny’s ketchup packets are not priority for me when eating nachos but it’s not like you’re at Dairy Queen and Peggy Sue is pouring horse radish on a Peanut Buster Parfait.

“Well, I love you, gal/And your choices make me puke…” , Buddy Holly ready to rip into another riff

 

And I’ll give the benefit of the doubt that that’s a “B” in the window, lopped off cleanly by the panel edge. Also, Freddy Mercury, after he cut his hair, is in the background serving more Cream of Wheat and Dunkin’ Donut &  Bar-B-Q Chicken Surprise to that lady with a clinical case of harelip. Or maybe she stapled her mouth shut so she wouldn’t overdo it on the Quaker Oats Cinnamon and Schlitz.

 

 

 

 

Digging into peach ‘n’ plum quiche

Wash it down with something nouveau-riche

Leave Gil without a leash

To watch the kids

 

Oh yes, it’s Children’s Night

And Gil’s not even in sight

Oh yes, it’s Children’s Night

And that’s a fright

 

Thanks, Kool, again. Love your music. You were always yourself and that will ALWAYS sell.

 

And whattya know, Yakov Smirnoff just came in, ready to indulge in the upcoming Quaker-Oats-and-Vodka Fellowship, sponsored by Milford International Ministries, to warn Mimi:

“In America, you can always find Peggy Sue’s party and Barney Fife’s watering hole. But in Russia, the party finds you and they dump Fife in Siberia down a hole somewhere.”

Thanks to the mysterious Sarcastic Jack for help with the last comedy idea and bringing his oregano to Barney’s Pub

Which reminds me

Because I’ma little perturbed that a group of kids were suspended for having a bag of oregano, a harmless spice, in their possession at school, including one who just had it for 30 seconds, passing it from one student to another, ALL BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE marijuana (Common sense, School Board, next thing you know, I’ll get arrested for possession of Coffee-Mate in my Wal-Mart shopping bag under the passenger seat because it looks like cocaine)

Dr. Pearl, still hung over from heartburn from her Meat Loaf ‘n’ Grits and Ale, looks up from her table at Fife’s Fine Pub and Dining and notices Mimi and her girlie girls with a Glad bag of Cream of Wheat, Reduced Fat, Gluten-free, Zero Calorie, Low Microwave AND  a bag of oregano.

]Gulping a quick pair of tums she snatched out of beehive and summoning Friday and Gannon in the next booth, still plunging their sporks into Baked Chicken Alfredo & Pommes Frites, dipped in Marinara Sauce and sprinkled with bits of Lucky Charms, while sating their thirst with Canada Dry Ginger Ale (can’t drink on the job) Mimi and the rest of the Go-Go’s are surrounded.

“Awwwwright, police officers!!!!!!!!!! Get your hands up where we can see them!!!!!!! And take off that Barney Rubble mask, Peggy Sue!!!!!!! You’re at the wrong Barney’s!!!!!!!! I’ll let that slide THIS time!!!!!!!!”

Mimi is perplexed

“What’s the charge?” Writ of Habeas Corpus never was so enthralling.

‘Violation of Milford Penal Code 219, Section 82, Article V, Clause 13, “Possession of imitation controlled substances with intent to sell and traffic to the public, such as an eating establishment!!!!!!!! You ladies get your kicks off of taking  some kid’s lunch money so he can snort some couscous??????”

“Mr. Friday, I’ve always watched your show and the lessons I’ve learned from them, such as how to fend off a prowler with a Mr. Coffee appliance-”

“Mimi, you’re in trouble this time. I knew something was wrong when you ditched the season. I always wondered why you disappeared after a TV time-out. Now I KNOW. You were free-basing parsley.”

“I was going to add this Cream of Wheat Sourdough Blend to this pile of nachos. The Dijon mustard was too spicy and giving me the runs. I thought I’d neutralize the recipe.”

“That’s what they all say. But I’m bettin’ Gannon’s Lions Club lapel on his tweed jacket you’ll be draggin’ on cilantro next. Couldn’t handle the hard stuff??? Peppermint too strong for your nose??? Book ’em, Dan-O.”

“Isn’t that Hawaii Five-O?”

“I’ll write the script around here, Mrs. Jalapeno Pepper addict, thank you. Check their purses for ketchup stains. I understand they were peddling Frisch’s Big Boy Burgers w/ Nutrasweet on the black market. That’s a powder only Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds could love.”

“And Mimi, next time you have your girls going door-to-door selling Earl Grey herbal tea leaves rather than World’s Finest Chocolate to raise money for the team, PLAY THE DAMN SEASON!!!!!!!!!!”

“Watch your language, Ma’am. Fife got religion at a Billy Graham Crusade last month at the Milford Convention  Hall.”

“Sorry, Joe.”

 

Rum and cheese lady

Drunk with rabies

Unsophisticated Mimi

Come on, you without a team

Drink like there’s no referees, yeah

 

Oh yes, it’s Ladies’ Night

And B-Ball’s not in sight

Oh yes, it’s Ladies’ Night

That really bites

 

And based on P2 and the above lyrics, you KNOW I have another Milford Beverage Warehouse commercial up my sleeve. Stay tuned. In the meantime, enjoy, I say, enjoy the funny Mimi uttered while imbibing her (maybe) umpteenth glass of Martini & Rossi.

 

Shout-out goes to Craig Holt of Louisville, Kentucky, who today helped many ladies get their seat belts on while riding the bus. That’s what I like about Craig. He’s always at the ready to help ANYBODY who is in need. There is not a negative nor a phony bone in that man’s body. Factor in that he always comes to work READY TO WORK and does so with a smile shows you how America is the better with people like him. He is always so giving and his smile is contagious. I salute you, Craig. America needs you.

Then there’s P3. Gang, didn’t I just get done with Monsters in Milford? Evidently not, given the flying saucers buzzing around the room. Oh, those are LIGHTS. Or maybe Spielberg went the B movie route and is filming on location “Attack of the Amazon Bumblebees”. But since we’re trapped in a hopeless plot, we might as well take roll call and include Annette to the roll call of Mouseketeers. She was just running late from her non-basketball game. It went into overtime. Surely Ms. Latecomer isn’t referring to Booby. Man, he’s tried many hats but Mouseketeer is one he needs to leave in his locker or back on the shelf he hocked it from at Milford Novelty & Gifts.

 

Today’s Black History Month entry is one you’ve already heard of but I want to include him here because I’m angry that his whole career wasn’t publicized. I’m talking about Scott Joplin, yes, the one who wrote “Maple Leaf Rag”. And he was indeed VERY instrumental in Ragtime music, “The Sting” promulgating his music throughout the movie. BUT Joplin was a think-outside-the-box kind of person, much to the chagrin of his publishers. They said that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, but Joplin was too brilliant to be confined to a single genre of music. He had envisioned for years to write an opera score, and understanding that the readership might not take to opera so keenly (understandable) , STILL, he wrote arguably one of the Top 50 operas of all time, “Treemonisha”. The plot was based upon a girl, Treemonisha, who wanted only things to get better after the Civil War had ended. Initially, it was not popular, as people were tired of war and the opera was written during that period of burn-out but caught hold as the ravages of war faded and people began to give a listen. Joplin succeeded in rising out of a rut that was only getting more hopeless and lived to tell about it. Please join me in saluting Mr. Joplin who teaches us all that those that say they can are absolutely right.

 

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, get a T.O., Auguistus Caesar, the Centurions are runnin’ Lions back in their cages!!!!!!!!!! I’m smellin’ a run, Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“And that is what Coach Augustus is doing. Time out on the floor, with the score, 39 dead Lions and 34 dead Centurions.’

 

“Ladies, lookin’ for a place to go to get away from your hubby? Well, Friday Night at Milford Beverage Warehouse is Ladies’ Night and if you’re a woman, you’ll receive half off on all your favorite liquors. Hi, Mimi Thorp here, taking over for Gil who’s on assignment, tucking the kids in bed.  That’s right, leave your attitude, the kiddies, and your wife-beater at the door because the Warehouse is gonna party in style. This Beer Bacchanalian Feast is gonna have all your liquors all over the Warehouse with a live DJ spinnin’ the records while you dance and drink. Man, it’s nice not having Gil around pestering me about the kids while I get it on to ‘Disco Duck’ while sipping on some Maker’s Mark. And you shoulda seen Mrs. Kaz doin’ the Travolta, including splits while all the spotlights from the Milford Shop Class were gleaming brilliantly on her while she was drunk with the spirit and some Heineken Dark Malt. AND SHE DIDN’T SPILL A DROP!!!!!!!!! Hard to do when ‘YMCA’ is playing. And if slow-dancing to ‘Sail On’ by The Commodores with a Clos du Bois Chardonnay in your hand is your thing, the DJ has that on his set list too. Just don’t slow dance with someone like Dr. Pearl if you don’t want the gossip mill to spread all over Milford. What’s at the Warehouse stays at the Warehouse.

Anyway, come thirsty and happy and wearing a bra, as all bare-chested specimens will be assumed to be a man, this Friday Night and melt your Blues away. After all, Milford Beverage Warehouse is an Equal Opportunity Liquor Distributor. Come this Friday and get drunk on ‘From each according to her ability, to each according to her need.’ Groucho Marx couldn’t have said it any better. See you Friday.”

 

Gang, comment away. I’ll be in the corner, trying their Cream of Wheat Key Lime Nacho Chips. As long as I watch my sodium, I oughta be OK.

 

So if Yakov Smirnoff brings his imitation controlled substance to Fazoli’s, I’m assuming he can still order. I don’t think the KGB cases Italian food joints in Milford. Yet.

“Okay, kiddies, let’s sample this Bugs Bunny cup. Mmmmmm, I think it’s a Bud Lite. Do you boys and girls agree?”

 

This is your night

Tonight

Everything will die

In flight

 

This is your night

Tonight

Wine stains on your teeth

Soooooo white

 

This is your night

Tonight

This plot’ll disappear

Out of sight

 

This is your night

Tonight…

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February 20, 2019

Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

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P1: Neither show nor tell is an interesting narrative choice regarding the conversation between B/Robby and WDIG’s resident LBJ impersonator. What is it with this guy and his pockets? Regardless, he should stick with the jacket, as it looks like he crumpled up his tie and ran it through a mangle.

P2: Saying that you work cheap is one of the absolute worst ways one could possibly close out any sort of career/employment discussion. What’s more, I’d like to know how Bobby could afford to work cheap when he’s paying for billboard advertising on the main thoroughfare in and out of town…

P3: We leave those questions aside as today’s so called action concludes with Mimi pouring herself a cup of joe in her personalized mug while Gil awkwardly sits on the world’s most uncomfortable sofa, pretending to read a book. His demonstrable and complete disinterest in Mimi’s day to day is almost symbolic of the strip’s own disinterest in the Lady Mudlarks.

February 12, 2019

Now My Sanity’s Unraveling, They’ve Come To Take Me Back.

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Pointy Fingers, shadow figures — tdrewhardin @ 3:55 pm

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‘LARKS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!! ‘LARKS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, Robmize, gimme a break(ha). SOMEBODY’S reporting next week and it might be the bat boy for all I care so technically, I can start my Harry routine right off the bat(pardon the pun). Call it Spring Training in posting. Me and the bat boy are going to go through some excruciating exercises because we’ve been out of practice for a while. The bat boy might need a reminder where the dugout is located and I need to get my voice back in condition to sing about Jody Davis. Plus, I’ll need to get my wind back to sustain Steve Stone’s nasty cigars. I’m still using a fan to help ward off the panatella but good lungs in excellent working order wouldn’t hurt. I’ll just enter the Boston Marathon carrying a billy goat and participate in a triathlon where I have to swim through Jaws if I want to win the race. Heck, I oughta be able to inhale Steve’s smoke and hold it for several minutes and blow it right back at Gil. For singing, I’ll just practice trying to keep up with Deep Purple’s “Highway Star’ when it’s played at ’78. Singing about Jody and annoying the Hell out of Steve Stone and Lou Boudreau oughta be a breeze.

“You’re going to see Doctor Dimento and that’s FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Dad”, said Beaver while blowing fumes of a Havana towards Ward’s nasal cavity, “Isn’t he a DJ? Where does he find the time to practice?”

 

I feel this plot move under my feet

I feel it rot underneath me

I feel my heart start to trembling

Whenever Gil is out of his tree

 

Oooooooooo, Baby

Don’t you hate this

Sigmund Freud meets Bobby Knight

Ooooooooooo, Lordy

I can’t stand this

And Filion’s face is quite a fright

I just got to read “Cathy”

 

Carole King in full swing, She will aid in decapitating today’s strip et al.

 

And the first item to address, I mean THE FIRST order of business is to have you enlarge today’s panels and observe P1. If that isn’t a prime candidate for a Clearasil ad, nothing will ever be. Doesn’t he have sandpaper in his locker so that he can smooth over his countenance? As long as we’re going to talk about polite thievery when it comes to stealing Christmas Office Party food, can’t he hock some sheets out of the Industrial Arts room? My God, when I was struggling with making a book rack look like a book rack and wound up looking like the basketball goals the last couple of strips, I had more sandpaper to sand down than Gil has plots. Sandpaper in your desk, your shop locker, behind the lathe, under the power saw, planted in the pages of “Woodworking Today”, the teacher’s desk under his 1997 USA Today, lodged in the tin sheets. Mike, Politely stuff a few in your 3-subject notebook where there’s a compartment so they can be easy reference (“Found my sandpaper!!!!!!!!!”) and before the game, use some Oxy 5 and sandpaper to massacre those bad boys, use a Brillo pad to finish off the job, but only as a last resort. Let it dry at least 1/2 hour before tip-off. If the sandpaper you hocked won’t level a gerbil turd on the counter, your teacher went cheap this when ordering Industrial Arts materials. Thank God, High School Athletic Associations haven’t voted in a Zit Rule. Filion would be ejected before he entered the locker room around when the JV game is going on.

Now if those are warts, then he’s related to Broom Hilda and this might take a little more time. I don’t know if your shop teacher ordered eye of newt. You’ll have to check. Ditto if those are the measles. Archie Andrews’ freckles. Somebody got carried away in “Pluggers” and drew polka dots for the hell of it. That sort of thing. Don’t be afraid to confront your shop teacher on these things. It’s your face.

 

“Coach, he’ll have to sit a quarter until he removes those warts.”

“Kaz, is that Compound W still in your coat pocket?”

 

And for those of you majoring in Algebra and Solid Trig at Milford Community College, the caption in P1 oughta be a snap to figure out. The rest of you that had trouble with your x’s and y’s, I’ll give you a little more time. I still have 2 more panels to ramble on to decipher the code. The word “dozen” throws off a lot of people.

Gil on his conference phone with Dr. Pearl because it looks more official than having the same conference in the family room at Milford Lounge

“So if we order online 4 dozen Bucket Ovaltine Chocolate Shakes, 10 dozen Bucket Jalapeno Cheeseburgers, 1 dozen Bucket Liver Cheeseburgers, 20 dozen straws, 40 dozen pounds of Bucket Cape Cod Salted Fries, 20 dozen pounds Bucket o’ Buffalo Wings, 7pi dozen of Bucket Cream Cheese Doughnuts, 6 dozen Bucket Bagels & Lox, 13 dozen Bucket Blue Crullers, 300 ounces of Bucket Caffeine-Free Root Beer, that’d make (As Gil is punching his Texas Instrument TI-10 calculator that Mimi gave him as a wedding gift 30 years ago) 48, 120, 12, 240, 480, 240, approximately 21.98, 72, 3600, and 156 for the kids’ Valentine’s Day Dance the Plot Away this Friday, right?”

“Gil, I’m afraid you have the last 2 numbers in the wrong order.”

Gil, shakes the calculator, puts it to his ear for a pulse reading, then looks at it. Then he does the math, literally, with his #2 pencil beside him.”

“Shit, you’re right, Dr. Pearl, I pressed the Memory Plus function instead of the Memory Minus function. It’s been a long day playing Shrinkin’ and Stinkin’ with Mike.”

So to set the record straight, Irby had 2 dozen points, Filion had 3/4 dozen assists, quite an accomplishment, given the 2-on-5 set-up. I know Gil was trying to lay down the law by benching his people for violating team rules but who would inbound the ball should either one of the foul out? Gil, that’s why you’d have to call the game (In the rule book, gang, BTW) . Can’t run along the end line and throw a cross-court pass to yourself. Then there’s the defense. Box-and-zero? Matchup zone? Learn something new every day. Don’t EVEN try man-to-man. Clearouts ought to be a cinch. Filion and Irby out by the half-court line guarding their man while the passing lanes are wide enough for a Union Pacific to plow through, Gil better change defenses on that one. Unless you want to cave in on your principles and insert your suspendees in the game which might make more sense.

 

This plot has been a travesty

Of Nerf-Ball colored hues

No one’s playing basketball

Or cares about its news

 

Gil’s coached for years in Mudlark gym

Under some damn wicked spell

And I’ve had to see him suffer

Though I didn’t know him well.

 

So Ward Cleaver is going to stick to his guns and make Beaver see Sid the Shrink (Remember him from “M.A.S.H.”?) after all. And there’s a part of me that believes there’s a lost episode where the girls at school says Beaver has cooties, Beaver flunked the Spelling Bee, Wally flushed his hamster down the toilet, June donated that last piece of pumpkin pie to Goodwill Industries so that Beaver couldn’t have an extra piece, and Eddie Haskell’s mom has been having an affair with Coach Luhm in the boiler room at midnight. And there’s a part of me seeing Beaver lying on the linoleum floor (the ’50’s, you understand) while he turns on the oven. Well, so that I don’t scare you and because the ’50’s were justifiably short on reality, he turns on the Kenner job that he snuck out of Peppermint Patty’s house. I’ll let you use your imagination on how he was able to walk down the street with said hocked merchandise in broad daylight.

“Ward, have you noticed Beaver’s been sleeping in his sleeping bag by the Amana range lately?”

 

He coached with some uncertainty

As if he didn’t know

Just what sets to run on D

Or where guards need to go

Once he reached for his Paper-Mate

And tried to run a play

The center was all confused

Black and blue and lotta gray

 

And remember Ren and Stimpy? Sure you do. Remember the “Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy” episode where Stimpy is trying, blatantly unsuccessfully to infuse “Happy” and “Joy in Ren’s life? Allow me to transpose P2 and P3 so that Ren is trying to get Stimpy to see Sid the Shrink instead of Gil to Filion.

“WE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEE, REN, I DON’T NEED TO SEE THE SHRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!! as Stimpy is bouncing off the backboard, the back of the backboard, dunking on the 8-foot goal in the corner while playfully singing “HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY” and forcing Marty to abruptly stop his interview with the 4 Seasons and hustle over, lest he gets outscooped by the Milford Times again. Scoop me once, shame on you, Scoop me twice, shame on me, that sort of thing.

“STEEM-PEE, YOU EE-DEE-IT, YOU NEED  TO STEEL SEE A SHREENK. AND GEET AWAY FROM MAR-TEE MOON!!!!!!!!!! HOW ARE YOU GOIN’ TO EEEX-PLAIN WHY YOU WERE HUMP-EENG THE RAF-TURRRS, YOU WERE SO LOONY.”

Stimpy is done with being in heat on the ceiling, heads towards the suspendees who need some cheering since they aren’t playing and they all sing “HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY”, trying to get Marty to sing along but Marty wants a scoop, not getting humped on his leg.

Way to stay the course in P3, Ren.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Filion Arrested After Damaging Popcorn Machine At Game!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Got carried away doing Townshend’s ‘Windmill’ routine and Daltrey’s ‘Microphone Twirling’ act.”

 

Okay, time’s up. Dozen means ’12’ so if you multiply a dozen by 2 you’ll get (checking my calculator) 24!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I Checked Schaum’s Outline Series-Precalculus so no need to look in Oxford English Dictionary for confirmation.

 

Today’s entry in Black History Month is Curt Flood. A VERY misunderstood ballplayer, he was thankfully exonerated as the years passed. An excellent center fielder with 7 Gold Gloves to his credit, hitting .300 6 times, a 3-time All Star and a member of 2 World Series Champions (St. Louis Cardinals, 1964 and 1967), he hit a buzz saw when the Cardinals traded him to the Philadelphia Phillies and he initially refused to report, challenging the Reserve Clause that had ruled Major League Baseball until the mid’70’s. The Reserve Clause basically stated that a player was bound to a ball club unless the player retired, was traded to another team. or the player was released from that team. Flood argued when he took his case to the Supreme Court that the rest of the business world lives under contracts and when that contract expired, the player was a free agent and free to deal with any club he chose. He lost the case and was essentially blackballed from the baseball world but he did pave the way for players revolting against the Reserve Clause and eventually having it removed. Gang, yes, many ballplayers are overpaid spoiled brats but many just wanted to get out of bad situations, especially when their contract ran out. Charlie Finley comes to mind. His asinine moves and autocratic methods, many which backfired and drove off many talented ballplayers bolstered Flood’s argument. Please join me to salute a man who stood tall and was only trying to do it The American Way.

 

YOU MAKE ME FEEEEEEEELLLLLLL SO ALIVE

YOU MAKE ME FEEL

YOU MAKE ME FEEL

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL WOMAN

 

“You have a good voice, Mimi.”

Thanks, Mrs. Kaz. Now we still need to get gifts for Valentine’s Day.”

“I was thinking of getting Bob a gift certificate from Milford Aesthetic Dentistry. They have wonderful plans that only cost 1/2 the lien on the house. And Bob with snow white pillars like the Parthenon with his earrings? Sexy.”

“Maybe, but Gil hates the place after they used pliers to remove a back wisdom tooth. it’s one thing to look beautiful but when the doctor had to borrow the tool box from the utility pole man, Gil went down the street to Milford Smiles, Incorporated for his dental work. No more sandblasting his bicuspids.”

“Hey, I know. What about Organic Fair Trade Coffee from Milford Coffee Worx? That and some danish on Valentine’s Day watching Milford Shopping Mall traffic is soooooo romantic. They also come in caramel and cherry flavors. And diet caramel if you’re trying to lose weight.”

“Gil would rather spend Valentine’s Day down at the Milford Lounge. They’re running specials at Happy Hour. Half-price on heart-shaped crab-legs and Russell Stover Pecan Turtles between 4-6 P.M. That and a Gerst Dark Malt will make a special Valent-”

Mrs. Shaw barges in

“HERE I AM WITH SOME GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!! The Milford Men’s Clinic is running a special for this Valentine’s Day. Just bring in a Doctor’s documentation on your husband’s ED and the Clinic will give a you a $500 Gift Card!!!!!!!!!!!! No more vibrators or going to Milford Adult Shoppe for stimulation!!!!!!!!!!!!! No more embarrassing moments suggesting he sharpen his pencil. The Gift Card is a way to broaden your horizons and your husband’s significant other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Wow, I WANT ONE!!!!!!!!! So if I get Gil’s paperwork out of the file cabinet in the kitchen and take it down to the Clinic, I can get a Gift Card too?”

“That’s right. So what are you waiting for? I just had the time of my life with my husband in the Port-o-Let at Milford Park.”

“Come on, Mrs. Kaz, let’s go. Valentine’s Day will never be the same.’

“Right behind you, Mimi, getting Bob’s papers out of the glove box now.”

“Make Valentine’s Day truly a Day of Love like Mimi and Mrs. Kaz, only at the Milford Men’s Clinic.”

 

Gang, comment away. We’ll see how long Filion stays in Stimpy mode. Wonder if that competes with the Billboard sketch this week. but that’s another story. Unless it’s Thorpiverse and then it’s A LOT OF stories.

 

Soon within this travesty

That’s clearly for the birds

Gil sat down on an empty bench

And turned into a turd

 

It seemed that he had fallen

Flatly on his back

Now this travesty’s unraveling

We hope we don’t go back

 

We hope we don’t go back

February 6, 2019

Does Gil Realize??

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Do you realize that in the Valley we’re in last place?
Do you realize I stare into space?
Do you realize that Marty Moon makes me cry?
Do you realize that our entire team someday will die?
And instead of playing counselor to me, let me know
You realize this season’s passed
You cannot coach us out of last
You realize that Howry is a clown
He’s just getting off because we’re missing the playdowns
Do you realize?
Do you realize that even Marty Moon someday will die?
And instead of getting hung up on my play, let me know
You realize your time has passed
Resign and give your job to Kaz
With Mimi, get drunk as the sun goes down
And then you could stay away from the balls that are round
Do you realize that in the Valley we’re in last place?
Do you realize?
(apologies Wayne Coyne)

 

February 5, 2019

Full Mudlark Jacking Around

Filed under: Bobby Howry, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Pointy Fingers — tdrewhardin @ 3:15 pm

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Coach, you called him into the Oval Office for THAT????????

Let me get Gil’s office out of the way first. Don’t you all remember Gil’s office being fairly compact, semi-cluttered with playbooks, plays, betting slips, player evaluations (when he’s not on the golf course shootin’ his comic strip age-don’t EVEN wanna know what his age is if we’re going by age progression, Father Time range?-or teaching his own kids how to cuss when you shank one in the lake) , scouting reports, athletic director duties, order forms for athletic equipment (“Kaz, you remember how many balls for squash we have left on the ball rack?”) , his mail, junk mail (“Yes, you too can get a COMPLETE uncirculated President Dollar Series 39-coin collection, delivered right to your door. But call now, operators are standing by…”) , Mimi’s nude photos (scratch that) , newspapers, news clippings, Generic Gil, in general?

Oh, not today. Gil went from the out house to the penthouse, moving next door to George Jefferson

“Well, we’re movin’ on up (movin’ on up)

To the school’s roof (movin’ on up)

It’s time I get a real life

 

Yeah, I’m movin’ on up (movin’ on up)

To the school’s roof (movin’ on up)

I need to find a way to ditch my wiffffeeeeee

 

Wendy’s Chili in the kitchen

Bucket Clam Chowder on the grill

Man. I’m livin’ larger than Hefner

Plenty of Nehi to chill

 

God, I’m movin’ on up (movin’ on up)

To the school’s roof (movin’ on up)

Basement’s hard to draw plays for the guyyyysssssss

 

But I’m movin’ on up (movin’ on up)

To the school’s roof (movin’ on up)

It’s time we camped in that film room in the skyyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

You understand this comes with problems.

“Louise, I can’t let that honky share the same floor with me. What are the brothers going to think?”

“George Jefferson, you know better than that. Now if you love me, you’ll keep that 1:00 appointment with Gil down at The Bucket for that banana split prayer and fellowship.”

 

“…so the chicken said to Paul Newman’s French Dressing packet, ‘ya wanna go with me?’

The salad dressing said, what do I look like, Hellmann’s Mayonnaise?”

From a random table at Milford Comedy Club

“Stay in the penthouse, Thorp!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Thanks to Heather Sanders, of Louisville, Kentucky for the comedy idea. It worked, Heather, and YOU helped.

 

Now to the situation per se.  Really, isn’t today’s 3 panels just a lost episode of Leave it to Beaver? And isn’t P1 the best Beaver Cleaver pose you’ve ever seen? Beaver, even if you are COMPLETELY innocent and you washed your hands of this whole affair, I’m still going to give you the belt ’til your butt turns black and blue. I’m not punishing you because you did anything but the fact you’d come up with such a hare-brained idea in the first place prompted my decision.

 

I can just see the TV ad

“Today, Beaver is presumed guilty until proven innocent when Eddie Haskell promises Beaver’s dad to use the trimmer on June’s garden in exchange for Beaver being grounded for the summer. Only on WDIG-TV.”

 

So from now on, Beaver’s going to have to stand in the corner (hey, the penthouse has plenty of those) if he DREAMS of not doing his homework, pulling Lisa Simpson’s hair, pissing on Schroeder’s piano, calling Mr. Wilson’s wife a whore (“Henry, did you hear what happened to Dennis?”) , egging Archie Andrews’ jalopy, sugaring Jughead’s hamburgers, throwing firecrackers on Snuffy Smith’s porch, injecting Ex-Lax in Marmaduke’s dog food, unplugging the amps at a Partridge Family concert, and showing the X-rated version of Our Gang.

“So that’s what Spanky, Alfalfa, Darla, and Buckwheat look like playing kickball at a nudist colony. Did they get their parents’ permission?”

No, I can’t see “The child goes raw with my permission” either, Beaver.

Coach, we have a Constitution. I know your players use it as a wet rag for their shoes so they don’t slip on the floor but the rest of the U.S. population use it to DEFEND THEIR RIGHTS, keep this country from becoming a dictatorship, that sort of thing. Lordy, what would happen if the WDIG station manager staged a  coup.

And the damage is done, Coach. Why are you putting Filion in Double Jeopardy? (smacks head) I forgot, because the Constitution is reduced to Charmin in the 2-ply, 12-roll pack.

Mr. Whipple in aisle 8 at Milford Wholesale Foods, spotting Mimi in sexual ecstasy.

“Mrs. Thorp, how many times do I have to tell you, don’t squeeze the Constitution?”

“I can’t help it, Mr. Whipple. It reminds me of a fling I had in high school.”

 

WHAT prompted this heart-to-heart unconstitutional chat between Beaver and Ward

 

THE DAYS OF FINGER-SPLICING BETTY ROTTEN CROTCH ARE OVER. YOUR HEART BELONGS TO GOD BUT YOUR ASS BELONGS TO THE CORPS. MY JOB AS YOUR DRILL INSTRUCTOR IS TO TEACH YOU MAGGOTS HOW TO SURVIVE. THE FIRST WORD AND THE LAST WORD COMING OUT OF YOUR FILTHY SEWERS WILL BE SERGEANT, IS THAT CLEAR

sergeant yes sergeant

BULL SHIT QUIT TALKIN’ TO THE GROUND, YOU SLIME

SERGEANT YES SERGEANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT. NOW WE’RE GOIN’ ON A 239-MILE RUN, YOU WEAK BOW-LEGGED MOMMA’S BOYS. I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR CANTEEN

 

“Man, Filion, I didn’t think try-outs would be this tough.”

 

And P2 is bringing more of the same only filled with more pictures that Gil just got back from Milford Car Wash. Geez, I’ll have to take my vehicle down there if they buffer them that nicely. Anyway, Beaver’s contriteness and shirt are running a friendly competition for what reeks the most. That shirt was more than likely used with Turtle Wax to spit-shine Gil’s portaiture of his stance in the dugout while his pitcher is getting shelled (Hey, as long as he gets them across the Delaware, it doesn’t really matter how cold the water is) , so I’m going with shirt but will give partial credit if you vote contriteness.

“Beaver gave his life to Jesus tonight at the Billy Graham Crusade. Are there more?”

 

Now to what Beaver might have said, let’s listen in

“Now Beaver, you don’t have to tell me now, if you don’t feel comfortable ratting on your friends-”

“Honest, Dad, me and Wally didn’t use a helicopter to spray any billboard. Wally only has his learner’s permit. He’d have to have some adult fly with him-”

“Now, Beaver, the whole town of Milford saw you, Wally, and Miss Grundy flying around the city, almost hitting the Milford water tower. It’s only natural that people would have ideas, given the nature of the crime.”

“Well, Dad, I’ve been meaning to tell you. I just found out that they caught Eddie Haskell and Lumpy Rutherford TP’ing Robby’s signs. I guess they ran out of Krylon. They stole ’em from art class. The police caught ’em with a trunkful of Scottowels.”

“Beaver, this is going to hurt me than it hurts you. I never use the paddle more than necessary but when you didn’t do anything and Eddie and Lumpy were caught red-handed, it set off a bad precedent. You’ll never learn that bad plots cause bad people. Look what it did to Pebbles Flintstone. Got caught for shoplifting at the Bedrock Kwik-EE Mart.”

“I understand, Dad. But me and Wally and Miss Grundy only went to the Milford Museum of Natural Sciences and History with the helicopter. We would never spray-paint a dinosaur. BTW, do you need a Coke Zero on your hair? Your Brylcreem’s beginning to melt.”

Thanks to Noi Khampadith, of Louisville, Kentucky, with help with the last comedy idea. You brighten my day, Noi.

 

PRIVATE PYLE, YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. GET OFF THIS COURSE. YOU’RE JUST BREAKING MY FUCKING HEART, YOU LILY-LIVERED SCUMBAG. OF ALL THE GODDAMNEST GRUNTS THAT CAME THROUGH MY PLATOON, YOU ARE THE MOST DISGUSTING TUB OF DOGSHIT GOD EVER LAID EYES ON, YOU SORRY-ASS EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING

“Coach, he just missed a lay=up. He’ll get it right before lay-up drills are over.”

 

“So I told Beaver, while the chicken was running off the helicopter with Kraft Low-Fat Thousand Island dressing, ‘what am I, Pumpkin-Flavored Cool Whip?'”

Mimi inserting last dish in the dishwasher, still looking at Calgon stain on the rotor blade of dishwasher

“Need to do better than that this Friday at the Club, Gil.”

Heather, you come through again.

 

At the Milford Gym one afternoon during basketball practice

One hand on a basketball, the other on their significant other

I GOT A BASKETBALL, I GOT A GUNNNNNNNNN

I GOT A BASKETBALL, I GOT A GUNNNNNNNNN

ONE’S FOR SHOOTIN’, THE OTHER’S FOR FUN

ONE’S FOR SHOOTIN’, THE OTHER’S FOR FUN

MY LARKS

MY LARKS

YOUR LARKS

YOUR LARKS

THE MUDLARKS

THE MUDLARKS

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day.

“Gil, they are wearing basketball shorts when they’re practicing, right? We’ve had a few parents complain.”

 

We now turn to P3. When Leave it to Beaver brings closure to things and everybody lives happily ever after. I mean, really, when did you see the men in white suits put Wally in a strait jacket and wheel him off to the Milford State Hospital? And the show ENDS? Ain’t gonna happen. So we listen with bated breath for Ward Cleaver to recite from Our Daily Bread while Beaver confesses that he went with BOTH women from Three’s A Company to see the Saturday matinee of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”, even though everybody was fully-clothed.

“Beaver, that’s beside the point. It’s not good etiquette to take 2 women to a show, other people might think you’re a male prostitiute. I’m afraid I’m going to have to use my fraternity paddle on your behind to teach you a lesson that women are not cattle.”

“I understand, Dad. But Jack DID say it was OK. He had to go out of town on a Norman Vincent Peale seminar. And, I swear, they only served Coke at the concession stand. And Snicker’s King Size. No Gin & Tonic, nuthin’ like that.”

Thanks to Noi once again. Your input HELPED. Keep it up.

Also to Sheldon Campbell of Louisville, Kentucky. the comedy idea went off like a dream. You da Man.

 

I HAVE FAILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FILION CANNOT SLAM DUNK THE BASKETBALL WITH 2 HANDS NO MATTER HOW MUCH I’VE TRIED TO TEACH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO FROM NOW ON, I WILL BE BLAMING YOU SINCE HE CAN’T STAY AWAY FROM BUCKET LIVER CHEESEBURGERS!!!!!!!!!!!! ON THE FLOOR, YOU MAGGOTS!!!!!!!!!!!

ONE SIR!!!!!!!!!

TWO SIR!!!!!!!!

……

“So the maggots one night wrapped basketballs with Holiday Inn towels and proceeded to Filion who was sleeping in his car. One maggot asked another maggot, ‘Ya ready to pound his ass with some Spaldings?’

The other maggot responded, ‘what do I look like, KFC Chicken Tenders with Hidden Valley Ranch dressing all over my hair?'”

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“Gil Thorp Banned From Milford Comedy Club!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Last time lock-out occurred was when Lenny Bruce came to town.”

 

Heather, you come through one more time. See, I told you your ideas are important.

 

One night, behind the door of the den at Coach Shaw’s house

I GOT A RIFLE I GOT A GUNNNNNNNNNN

ONE’S FOR SQUIRREL MEAT THE OTHER’S FOR FUNNNNNNNNN

“Oh, honey, open the door. I’m ready to be shot.”

Coach Shaw, trapped by his own petard, thinks fast.

“Can’t. It would take 3 days to unload this rifle. The trigger’s very sensitive.”

“But you said once that you could take apart a rifle in 39 seconds.”

“Bluh, bluh, our grandkids got Play-doh stuck in the barrel. I’ll need some Liquid Plumber. There’s some right here under my duck boots.”

“But you said once you could unclog a Winchester with a 6-pack of Diet Coke. In fact, you drank the last one in victory because the clog dissolved faster than expected.”

“Honey, I can’t help it if hamster droppings got caught down the chute from the hamster cage.”

“You actually dumped hamster doo-doo and hamster pellets down your rifle?”

“One night I had one Michelob too many. I wasn’t in my right mind.”

“But you cleaned it when you recovered from your hangover.”

“Darling, it was a pain in the gut to clean the gun with Drain-O and some Swiffer. And try using a Brill-O pad when the room is spinning. But the gun is stain-free.”

“BTW, we don’t have hamsters. We have Guinea pigs.”

 

“A lack of training in household pets taught me that I needed to get my act together in Erectile Dysfunction. With treatment programs that work, isn’t it time YOU went down to the Clinic before you go to the Reserve huntin’ rabbits? Get your priorities straight, Men. The rabbits’ll still be there. You have memories ahead if you choose to regain your intimacy. Come hunt it down today. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

Noi, The last comedy idea is severely crippled without your input. You did it again.

 

Today’s entry in Black History Month is a personal favorite of mine, Clifford Brown. Man, he was one of the greatest. A Miles Davis before Miles Davis showed up on the scene. A giant of Jazz back in the ’50’s, he performed Jazz standards such as “Sandu”, “Joy Spring” (LOVE the tune) , and “Daahood”. He was a critics’ favorite, getting rave reviews in influential publications like Down Beat. His crisp and carefree BUT disciplined style has found a way in my heart, not to mention his just NEVER missing a note when he  trumpets many times at the speed of light. He was a sensation on a lot of variety shows like Soupy Sales’ program. Brown was tragically killed in 1956 when he was in a car, along with Richie Powell and his wife and the car was a victim of bad weather conditions on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Your light still shines, Clifford. You have an audience with me. I hope he does with you too, gang.

Comment way, gang. I’ll be watching Batman because this Beaver Marathon is getting on  my nerves.

DON’T TRY TO DO ANY BETTER PRIVATE PYLE. YOU’D BE MAKIN’ ME FUCKING HAPPY, SWEETHEART. DID SOMEBODY PISS IN YOUR WHEATIES THIS MORNING????????? I’LL GET RID OF THAT TUB OF SHIT IF I GOTTA GET A STEAMROLLER AND FLATTEN YOUR ASS ON THE FUCKING CONCRETE

“Dr. Pearl, you don’t have to shout. They can hear you 3 floors up. I’ll have the academic transcripts turned in this afternoon. Should be eligible for tonight’s game. We tip off at 7:30. I got the referee’s contract signed this morning.”

February 2, 2019

When Your Loophole Becomes a Noose

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Remember bonfires? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Pepperidge Farm also remembers growing up in the country and going to high school in a one-traffic light town where everything you did went down on your permanent record in the court of public opinion, even in the days before the internet.

Without any exposition, we don’t know whether The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Paint were charged with anything or got off with a warning (maybe ’cause Deputy Dawg went back to huff the spray paint he made the kids leave on the ground). We do know that the blue mafia played telephone with Gil, who’s now fixin’ to make his already bad team even worse.

Again, without any additional exposition we have no evidence that a crime has been committed. Will Gil’s punishment fit the crime? Death Valleys until they puke? Benched for a quarter, or a half, or a game? Do they get kicked off the team just like B/Robby? Really, what’s Gil’s long game here? Kick enough kids off the team to forfeit the rest of the season?

The only bonfire we’ll be seeing hearing is the one the Marty n’ B/Robby Show will be firing up to burn Gil in effigy.

February 1, 2019

Sad eyes – turn the other way..

Filed under: Cops, lessons learned, Milford Idiots, Milford Weirdos — robmize2013 @ 10:09 pm

hey gang – I’m back from a weekend in Muskegon where I went luging for the first time- – my fastest run was 21.3 seconds, about 2 seconds slower then the bronze medalist (the gold and silver went to kids, who probably live nearby and can get more practice) and the weather was ideal; about 11 degrees while we were luging in the evening, and we got 6 inches of snow all weekend so the winter sports activities were in full swing. It was a ton of fun and I’ll be back next year to bring home a medal! Thanks again to Ed for filling in for me last Friday.

Well it seems the cop that found these guys preparing to graffiti Bobbys’ sign is pro-Bobby, otherwise why the hell would he permit a sign like that in the first place?? How dare he take down a sign that says Fire Gil Thorp.?  How does one get permission to put up something like that anyway? I think the guy thats luckier then smart is Bobby. All these kids are doing is righting a wrong, to them anyway, (I know that if Thorp got shot out of a cannon to the moon tomorrow there’d be much cheering in Mudville)  but how on earth would law enforcement allow such a sign about a guy who stands for Milford more then Bozo stands for the Circus? ( Hey thats a great analogy!)

So when Gil finds out about this maybe he’ll sneak out at night and try to cover it himself. I recall him sneaking around a golf course at night some years back and Chief Lind finding him trespassing. Of course it was covered up.

 

January 31, 2019

“I Know I Have The Receipt For That 130-Foot Ladder From True Value Hardware Somewhere.”

Filed under: Cops, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 3:22 pm

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Well, well, boys will be boys, The Sequel. Oh, I’ll get to my Sopranos Moment in a moment, but I’m still basking in the cherubic glow emanating from Mr.Clean’s brother and his subsequent catching them in the act. Switching from Pine-Sol indeed nabs more miscreants.

P3 is really interesting. The consolation prize to this whole farce is that we know now beyond a reasonable doubt that Thorpiverse is adept at drawing spray paint cans. And didn’t have  to paint by numbers this go-round.

Peace of mind in my pocket aside, what’s going to happen in P4? Because if it WERE The Sopranos, they’d be shooting back, no questions asked. Just typical war with the cops after they were witnessed attempting to ditch R/Bobby’s corpse in the woods and are now trying to save face.

But this ISN’T The Sopranos, NOW what are the greenhorns going to do? Shoot back with Krylon? Wonder where they store the ammo? In the Milford Dairy 2% Gallon jug? Boy, that’d be an interesting police report.

At the Milford Detention Center

“So what are you in for?”

“Got busted for resisting arrest with Benjamin Moore.”

Really, Kurt from “American Graffiti” can brag to the Pharaohs on that score.

“Okay, rookie, you gotta spray his police scanner but you gotta wait ’til he calls his mom collect for Valentine’s Day. Look for my cue. You pull it off, we’ll make you a Pharaoh yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The greenhorns will learn the same thing The Sopranos and The Pharaohs learned. Bring a hefty wallet full of cash to the Milford Precinct Office (Ben’s, no George’s) , to eliminate odor at the source, then get better lawyers in case some rookie cop catches them doing a Crayola job on the tinted windows of Gil’s ‘vette.

“But, Your Honor, there WERE doing an art project. They were mixing red crayons with the blue windows and called the whole thing ‘Purple Haze’. Scored an ‘A’ and won 1st Prize at the County Fair Albrecht Durer’s Wood Cuts of ‘The Hanseatic League in Milford’.”

Really, isn’t that better than getting caught literally red-handed by Mr. Clean trying to impress the camera with his hair slicked back by Vidal Sassoon?? Isn’t it??

 

 

P2-11:03 P.M. It was raining pentagons by the time Gannon pulled in. It was fortunate Gannon went to Pep Boys to change the wiper blades. The SWAT team had their Uzi’s ready under their ponchos.

 

P1-Before the Pentagon Meteor Shower douses Milford, Random Hood has this to say

“C’mon, Guys, I’ve got an idea. I saw an ad where Swifti Mart was running a BOGO on 130-foot step-ladders. If we hurry, we’ll make it before 12 when they close. And they have free installation. Fellow Hood, could you move your spare tire out of the trunk?”

 

At Marty’s Place in WDIG Studios

“Okay, fans, my next guest is a famous commentator who reportedly has a true disdain for Gil and his Modus Operandi. His occasional derring-do is just right to join in the fight Gil, killing Gil softly with his song. A man who needs no introduction, Mr. Paul Harvey.”

“Thank you, Marty. Did you know…more Americans read Gil Thorp than…Nancy & Sluggo…The Ryatts…Rose is Rose…Mother Goose & Grimm…Rivets…Bringing Up Father…Prince Valiant……………………………………………………………………………..combined?

Gil’s popularity has just torn the roof……………………………………………..off his house. His name is mentioned……………………in the same breath…………………………..with Matthew, Mark………………………………………..Luke………………………………..John…………………………………………………………..The Book of Acts…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..even The Book of Mormon…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

My land, Gil even has his own Dial-a-Prayer line. When the angel Moroni came into his office bathroom and told him to write down the rest of the plates to finish the message Joseph E. Smith left behind to complete The Book of Mormon, Gil asked if he could wipe first and the angel Moroni handed him a Prayer Cloth personally autographed by Jehovah himself…”

“PAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re supposed to be criticizing Gil, not EXALTING him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Sorry, Marty, I got carried away. Somebody slipped a 3 x 5 of Gil in my wallet from Milford Photography right before we got on the air and, honestly, I was enamored with his hairline. He won’t be needing Rogaine in the next 2 centuries. And I never liked Nancy & Sluggo. Too corny. It’s like Aunt Fritzi, Lulu, Roy Clark, Buck Owens, Grandpa Jones, the cartoon donkey all singing ‘Rose Garden’ on Hee Haw with the Lawrence Welk backup singers accompanying them.”

 

At a random time on Hee Haw in a fake corn patch with a bit of the plywood showing through a corn stalk with Lulu, Grandpa Jones, Gomer Pyle, Archie Campbell, Floyd the Barber, Otis the Drunk’s grandmother, Roy Clark, Buck Owens, AND Aunt Fritzi as the guest star along with Hank Snow, Jeff Foxworthy, and Tom T. Hall

Aunt Fritzi: “Lulu, you know why Coach Thorp stopped by Jiffy Lube?”

Lulu: “No, I don’t. Why?”

Aunt Fritzi: “Gil needed an oil change on his hair.”

Lulu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

All this trouble could have been avoided with Mr. Clean and Charlie’s Angels if our hoods had taken a different tack. Why not borrow Rosie the Robot Maid from The Jetson’s and use her to procure much-needed titanium (damn it, she’s a robot, she KNOWS these things) to build Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles (ICBM’s) in a random hood’s garage? Should the Milford Police stage a raid, they can always leave Rosie the Robot Maid as the fall guy, not to mention use The Soprano’s lawyer to bail ’em out. The lawyer can work out a deal with the judge. If the judge will sentence them to a wrist-slapping 1 year’s worth of Probation, they’ll dismantle, with the aid of Rosie the Robot Maid, the whole shebang into Tinker Toys.

Thanks to Sarcastic Jack for help with the above comedy idea.

 

While Marty is sleeping in the booth, Paul Harvey prates, proving Marty doesn’t need Sominex

“More Americans prefer to read a plot that makes sense, according to a recent study. The Gallup Polls reveal that 61% of the people like to sit down at the dinner table and discuss the day’s events, hoping, for example, that the bathtub ring doesn’t linger for 3-4 months. And they won’t need Windex to remove the stains.

Page 2

Basketball!!!!!!! That winter sport that Mr. Naismith invented is regaining popularity. So much so that they’re rioting in the streets of Milford for its return to the gym. The Milford Enquirer reports that glass was shattered, the floor was ripped up, graffiti was spray-painted on the bleachers, and the south wall has a huge gash on it after someone shot a bazooka at it. They’re mad as honeydew in Mudlarkland, I’m telling you.

Milford City Maintenance estimates that repairs will run in the millions. And speaking of repairs, your Milford True Value Hardware store is running a fire sale on tools this week. A 3-piece Adjustable Wrench Set, $24.99 at Staples is a bargain at $6.99. Perfect for screwing the flotation device back in the toilets in the locker room commodes. A 30” 4 Drawer Cart, 580-lb. capacity, sells for a ridiculous $107.99. Just don’t let Lulu use it as a bean bag chair and you won’t void the warranty. And did I mention that a 125-Amp Flux-Core Welder is yours for only $99.99? Now the construction crew can fuse  the basketball goals back on the backboard in the ‘B’ gym. Folks, without True Value Hardware to call off the Riot Squad, the gym wouldf resemble the Roman Colosseum. But Joe Tourist isn’t interested in free throw lines with “Gil shot his wad” written on them so stop by your True Value Hardware store today and put your pocket book at ease.”

 

Aunt Fritzi: “Lulu, do you know why Coach Thorp stopped by Jiffy Lube?”

Lulu: “Do you think I’d be sitting with Otis the Drunk’s grandmother if I did? Phewwwweeee, Granny, your Dewar breath’s worse ‘n’ Buck’s.”

Aunt Fritzi: Because Grease Monkey wouldn’t do dreadlocks on his hair.”

Lulu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Caught Spray-Painting Neighbor’s Vega!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Issue reportedly over a $20 promissory note.”

 

“America is thinking bigger. Bigger cars. Bigger houses. Bigger restaurants. In fact, SPLAT the Milford Mall is discussing SPLAT increasing its capacity to include more shops, restaurants, SPLAT fast food stores, and boutiques. A tattoo parlor is in the works and SPLAT the Milford Men’s Clinic is expanding SPLAT .Now there will be no waiting in line SPLAT while the Clinic is SPLAT ordering better equipment and medicine. The days of lying in the tanning salon SPLAT because one of the doctors forgot to order light bulbs for the lamp are over. Your SPLAT Significant Other will be browned and in SPLAT functional order by the time you leave.

Orville Redenbacher SPLAT is in the news. He is donat SPLAT ing $100 for every Orville Redenbacher SPLAT Ready-Popped, Through-Chewed, Margarine-Enriched box you buy.

Now here’s the hitch SPLAT . You have to come SPLAT to his farm to validate the deal. Just take I-90 for 945 miles, then take Exit 113, the Milford 76 Truck Stop exit, then when you reach County Road 375 SPLAT , take a right. Go by New Thayer High School  Driver’s Ed SPLAT Course and hang a left where the wooden cut-out of the farmer’s wife’s butt is displayed by the pin oak SPLAT tree in somebody’s yard and head straight down east, 3rd farm on the right SPLAT . A veritable feast and each box has been debugged.

More than I can say for WDIG SPLAT Studios where Marty is flailing at the flies with his swatter.

Looks like WDIG Studio could have used Roach Prufe. For $4.97, you can buy Roach Prufe tablets. That’s right, 2 tablets and a glass of tap water out of Marty’s liquor locker and the roaches and flies are retreating faster than Hannibal’s elephants. You can also buy Raoch Prufe in Injectors for just $9.88.  Handy when Marty spills El Nopal nacho sauce all over the floor and it slips through where the wall meets the floor. If you don’t want the roaches to be mooching for your El Pollo y Arroz Caliente con Vino Negro y Azul sobre La Carne Esplendido, may I suggest you inject liberally through the cracks. The roaches will wave the white flag. And when company comes to call as the CEO at WDIG will do from his bungalow in Bermuda, you’ll impress him with NO ROACHES in the building with the Roach Prufe Boric Acid for just $19.57. Nuking bugs never came so cheaply——”

“PAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only did you break your word about Gil, But you said you wouldn’t bring up Roach Prufe!!!!!!!!!!! My sponsors will pull on me in a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“But the studios and your ethics will be deloused.”

 

 

 

 

“Ohhhhhhhhh, Gil. Ohhhhhhhhh, Gil. We both coach basketball. We love the sport. We both love coaching players. Don’t you notice a positive vibe from this conversation?”

Gil is desperately trying to break down the match-up zone that Goshen will throw at Milford when they play Goshen in March and is lunging at the cross-court pass. No luck. The back-door is run to perfection.

Won’t stop Gil from steppin’ up his D.

“Honey, if you want good vibrations, why don’t you use the Ronco Cordless Vibrator I gave you for Christmas? There’s still a package of AA batteries in the kitchen shelf next to the silverware. Or listen to ‘Beach Boys Anthology, Volume 2’ that I gave Keri, the one I listened to when I started the freshman football team in ’66.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Gil, you can’t reach sexual Nirvana plugging it in. I need to feel you and I don’t need Eveready for that. Just drop your pants and give me a jump. I don’t need cables for that, My Sweet. We can do ‘Good Vibrations’ without Brian Wilson’s falsetto.”

“But this one will hold you down until I Rambo Goshen at their gym. It’s so powerful, it can warm up Julienne fries better than a GE Microwave. C’mon, use it, I didn’t waste my Milford Farm Emporium Visa Gold on a toy only to watch you put it next to your Raggedy Ann collection. I had to twist the lady’s arm on the 800 number that I would pay a $50 penalty if she would overlook my past expiration date on the card.”

“Gil, are you afraid you’re gonna double dribble?”

Gil is at a loss for words. Turnovers will make you do that.

“Because this is bye week and I’m horny and I need more than a Jacuzzi on a popsicle stick to get me stimulated.”

“BYE WEEK???? Mimi, you’ve already played 3 games which didn’t show up in the comics section because they were pre-empted by “Days of our Basketball Lives”. You won’t play again until Boys Basketball runs out of melodrama or April, whichever comes first. Don’t you mean bye WEEKS???????”

“Whatever, Gil let’s stop wasting time. That’s right, just drop those Levi’s and wet wittle Mimi fill you up wit some sensual dewights, that’s it,that’s it…”

TWEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Max the Referee from the ’80’s comes out from behind the curtain

3 SECONDS IN THE LANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“Max was a horseshit official in football and basketball but unfortunately he made the right call that night. I was stuck in Mimi’s Grand Canyon until my neighbor could come over and turn the hose on us. It was embarrassing having to have Jerry Pulver pull me from one end while the neighbor’s wife had to pull Mimi from the other end. Good thing our neighbor had a crowbar in his spare tire kit. All of this could have been avoided if I’d gone to Milford Men’s Clinic. They have treatment programs that work and if you stop in by next Friday, the Clinic will give you a free True Value Hardware Door Jack to avoid those way-too-intimate moments. Better than a fire sprinkler, believe me. Avoid the Milford Fire Department answering a 3-alarm emergency at your house and see for yourself. Because intimacy should nevere involve the Fire Marshal.”

 

Gang, comment away. I’m getting the bail money from The Sopranos. I had to raid the Flower Fund but they said I’m covered. There were no funerals this week.

 

“…and Gil and Mimi will finally finish the basketball season in style and with a taste of logic to it. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That Dr. Seuss can really write. I liked the part where the concession stand will be selling green eggs and ham from now on at every game.

 

Now you know………………………………………..the rest of the story.

Paul Harvey………………………………………………….Good Day.”

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