This Week in Milford

April 3, 2020

He’s the mayor

Famous mayors:

  1. Harry Caray- the mayor of Rush Street
  2. Hank Sauer – the Mayor of Wrigley Field
  3. Augustus Maywho – the mayor of Whoville
  4. Ed Koch – mayor of New York City
  5. Richard J Daley – mayor of Chicago
  6. This dude

And all the other mayors were surely less of a douchbag then this guy is gonna turn out to be. Even the mayors in this strip blow.

Floor design is weird in P1. Who has floor patterns like that?

P2 – what the hell kind of question is that? Its not even a sweater. I have a similar shirt; its NOT a sweater.

I hate this guy already.

 

April 2, 2020

He’ll Have Fun, Fun, Fun ‘Til Coach Thorp Takes His Thermos Away.

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, exposition comics, freak hands, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 1:05 am

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Well, he concocted this and he concocted that for a meal now

See, he forgot to read the label and the breakfast will over-congeal now

At practice, he’ll be puking milk all over the field, wow

This won’t be fun, fun, fun, oh please drive your flukey scrap heap away

 

This You-Say-To-MAY-To-I-Say-To-MAH-To moment is brought to you by Milford Dairies. A leader in the industry because it’s not only the only dairy in the strip but it services high school teenage boys who have no life. When Knappe is not throwing 1000 balls against the wall in his bedroom to hone his fielding skills, he is in his basement chemistry lab mixing Ovaltine and 2%. Frying Egg Beaters and Borden on the Bunsen burner. Thorp sure knows how to recruit them. Makes me pine for the return of Barry Bader and that’s sounding desperate. Bader may have been a wussy and a jerk but he showed up ready to play. I coached a lot of Baders. Leave your attitude in the bleachers and give me 110% on the field, no matter what the score says. I never had to tell him to keep his Nestle’s Quik in his gym bag.

This is just screaming for a Milkman episode (remembering from Nick at Nite)

 

Sent forth on a route from TV Land

Bringing truth and justice in our hand

It’s MILK-MANNNNNN

 

“I like this plot cold.”

 

One day, on the early route in suburban Milford

“Why the long face, Nappy?”

“That’s K’NAHP-puh!!!!”

“To-MAY-to, To-MAH-to, whatever, I deliver milk, not Langenscheidt German-English Dictionaries, c’mon, Snappy, what’s the trouble?”

“I can’t mix my powdered milk and water. The plumber from Milford Plumbing Solutions shut off our water so he can install my new toilet in the basement. Yeah, it’ll be great to not have to pee in the rhododendrons out by the patio but I don’t want to eat powdered milk out of the bag. Lay’s Ruffled Bar-B-Q powdered chips just doesn’t agree with me. Betcha can’t eat just one.”

“Y’know, K’RAPP-puh-”

“K’NAPP-puh!!!!!!”

“You say Lay’s, I say Doritos, listen, one day my radiator was about to blow in my milk truck. And I had a long route and would have had to work until midnight if the Milford Dairy maintenance guy would have had to come out for repairs. Then I saw Coach Thorp watering the lawn and that gave me an idea. I asked him if I could use his hose to fill up the radiator and Gil said ‘Sure’. Boy, did THAT save the day. And Gil could still keep his fake grass green as a leprechaun. My suggestion is use that garden hose hanging off the rack in your neighbor’s driveway. Ask politely, keep your manners in your pocket and your Carnation Dry Milk in your bottle and Milford Dairies will taste comme la reverie straight out of the udder.”

“Gee, Milkman, I never thought of that. How did you get to be so wise?”

“Necessity is the mother of invention. Gil’s been inventing stories for 60 years so I’ve had plenty of practice. Lotta cold ones delivered at football and baseball scenarios and even at Mimi’s basketball practices. Sometimes her stories get stuck in the mud and I have to go on a lactose raid. But the satisfaction comes when she gets her girls through the 5-game season with still a modicum of interest AND no injuries. Milk will get the blood pumping.”

“Mmmmmm, mmmmm, Milkman, my neighbor said ‘Go for it’ and I sprayed that hose straight in the Thermos. Used a trowel to mix it up. Powdered milk never tasted any better when it comes in contact with Mother Nature. Thanks, Milkman.”

“Anytime, K’LOPP-pee”

“K’NAPP-puh!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Refuses To Let Alexa Train With Milkman On The Route!!!!!!!!! She Will Have To Seek Alternate Employment!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I ain’t gonna let him make a move on her in the cooler. I didn’t fall off the milk truck yesterday.”

 

Well, we’re dealing with 3 teen guys in a futile piece of disgrace now

That pile of useless metal should compete in a chariot race now

Backseat Boy better store his Cocoa Puffs in place now

This won’t be fun, fun, fun, ’til they tow this clunky T-Bird away

 

Gimme a break, Thorpiverse. You’re worried that Cocoa Puffs is going to file a lawsuit over copyright infringement so you drastically altered the cereal name to FROSTEE PUFFS? Isn’t that the name of a root beer? Boy, if The Mayor mixes A & W and Lucky Charms and swirls that around in a bottle, he’ll have all the nutrients covered, WE THINK. He’ll be bouncing off the wall in the back seat and then that clunker’s going to have a Mexican jumping bean to contend with. If they’re going to practice, the only logical destination for a so-called sports strip, he won’t have trouble getting his uniform dirty, he’ll be rolling all over the field. Don’t EVEN want to tag him when he comes in with a head-first slide in that souped-up engine of his. Naturally, with Thorpiverse and logic, don’t hold your breath but I wouldn’t think Thorpiverse would stoop so low that The Three Stooges would be headed to Milford Drive-In for a matinee presentation of “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: The Year They Bomb Pearl Harbor and Milford In One Raid”. I’m thinking positive anyway.

Be that as it may, as long as Thorpiverse is over-concerned that Trix is going to take Thorpiverse to the cleaners over legal matters concerning plagiarism, might I offer a few suggestions because, well, it DOES happen. The group Chicago is a great example. Originally dubbed Chicago Transit Authority, the ACTUAL CTA threatened to sue the group if the group went on tour with a stolen name. That’s how the group became Chicago. And everyone was happy.

So let’s use our imagination and explore possibilities on other culinary ideas in a bottle our Mayor can employ when he’s riding with Rufus and Joel in a wagon Betsy SHOULD be tugging

“Hey, Guys, thanks for picking me up. And I brought a nutritious breakfast that’s the envy of the neighborhood. Yup, mix in a cup of Don’s Milk and some Plunky Charmers and I’ll be snagging line drives all practice. The Leprachaun will have to use pine tar on his bat.”

Sure to keep Dean’s Milk reps from going to court. And did you like the Lucky Charms disguise. And I didn’t say WHICH leprachaun. There’s a bunch of ’em out there. The Lucky Charms legal team wouldn’t stand a chance on the witness stand over using a leprechaun at baseball practice. Unless you named him Harold the Leprechaun, don’t even try, Lucky Charms legal team.

Okay, how ’bout another?

“Son, you’re going to be late. The sorry-ass excuse for a Chrysler 300 just pulled up.”

“Just a minute, Mom. I still have to mix Mumford Dairies 2% and some Homey Nut Cheepios. I gotta get replenished so I can give 110% at practice. Go hard or go home, I always say.”

The Milford Dairies Inc. executives don’t have a prayer. And Cheerios crying foul over copyright infringement? Time is on Thorpiverse’s side.

Okay, one more

Coach Thorp cheering on a great catch at the warning track by The Mayor

“Attaway to stay with it, Mayor!!!!!!!!! Great catch!!!!!!!!! What’d you have for breakfast?”

“I just put some Minute Mud O.J. and some Flushee Puffs and some Rice Kruddies in the blender and next thing you know, I could do a reverse slam on my driveway hoop. Snap, Krackle, Pop in my step on my way to the rack.”

“You’re DEFINITELY our left fielder if you’ll put some more Fart Loops in the blender.”

“Thanks, Coach.”

I think I’m safe from Kellogg’s or Minute Maid giving me a call and threatening legal action. And I can use “Coach” indiscriminately. Haven’t we been doing that for 60 years?

 

If ya mix some Pabst Peanut Butter ‘n’ Jelly (PPBJ) , some Buttwiper Lite, some Molar’s Natch’ral Lite and water with yore deer meat so’s ya can git up in the mornin’ refreshed fer bow-huntin’ and still don’t git in trouble with the Game Warden over copyright infringement, ya might be a redneck.

 

Sent forth to spice this plot in Mudlarkland

Bringing truth and sanity in his hand

It’s MILK-MANNNNNNNN

 

At a random stop light in Milford, Milkman and The Drag Racer from Hell side by side

“My goodness, you guys don’t look enthused going to baseball practice. I know Gil can be soporific in his coaching methods when he’s there AT ALL-”

“Oh, it’s not that, Milkman. We pray 5 times a day to Gil’s office. It’s just that it’s bad enough that The Mayor slurps that shit out of his Thermos. It sounds like Focus’s “Round Goes The Gossip” when you play it backward. But when he gets in one of those pissy moods because he has no donuts to go with his Chock Full o’ Nuts and Cinnamon Toast Crotch to slurp out of his coffee mug, it’s murder riding in this Volkswagen wannabe listening to him prate on and on about life and coffee being so unfair.”

“Gentlemen, I used to drink Eight o’ Clock Decaf and Funky Pebbles cereal to the last drop and I still wasn’t happy. I just couldn’t do my paperwork on the route with Folgers hanging over my head. I needed a yin to my yang. Then it hit me. No one dumps Count Chalk-u-la cereal on pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. Everyone sprays Cool Whips and Chains on the holiday’s dessert du jour. So I stocked up on Milford Dairies Lo-Cal Creamer and crammed them in my fridge next to the celery stalks. Eight o’ Clock and Funky topped with a taste of Heaven makes punching in the time clock a Stairway to Heaven. Here’s a few samples. I got them out of Gil’s hair when Grecian Formula wasn’t a priority.”

“Gee, thanks, Milkman. K’NAPP-puh won’t wind up in the back seat like Hank Williams did if we’ll set the woods on fire with this Latte Creamer.”

“Latte Creamer on Folgers and General Mills in a Thermos will burn the whole forest down. Make sure you have plenty of matches and a?fire extibguisher.”

“Said and done, Milkman. Thanks again!!!!!!”

“My pleasure. Would you want me to pour some Latte Creamer in your carburetor? Sounds like this Model T could use a tune-up.”

“Anything to keep the points and plugs from missing. Can you pour some on the paint?”

“Sorry, guys, I don’t do chemicals, I do milk. Democracy can only do so much on a car once driven by Dobie Gillis”

 

MILK-MANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“…makes the catch and that ends the inning with no damage to speak of. Whatever The Mayor had for breakfast is working here as he’s drawn a bead on everything hit his way out in left. Extra helpings of Sugar Poops in the bowl will do that. We’ll be back after these messages with the score after 5, Milford, 7, Oakwood, 2. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“The baseball season is right around the corner and I can’t wait to Take Me Out to the Ball Game. And I have Harry Carey to sing to you Mudlark fans about peanuts and Crack of Jacks this year as a bonus. Harry drove a hard bargain and we’ll have to put on extra sales of World’s Finest Chocolate to afford his singing but it was worth it for the kids and the fans.

But there’s one item you’ll never have to go door-to-door to afford. Hi, this is Coach Thorp and you won’t have to stage a raffle to afford Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. Our accountants make sure we can run a sausage plant and still charge reasonable prices to our customers.

For example, doesn’t it just gall you that a Kroger or Kohl’s or K-Mart Foods has to go through a modeling agency to peddle the store’s wares? Believe me, someone who hair-sprayed like George Michael displaying Total Cereal makes me furious. No wonder why Total is more expensive than Trix.

But here at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage, we use our own employees and we have them pose in front of our hogs before we slaughter ’em. We cut costs because we pay our employees time and a half to smile in front of the camera with Porky Pig. Porky’s swan song before he goes up the chute.

And I read an article next to the Milford Downs betting section in the Milford Enquirer that The Bucket is in trouble because General Mills filed a lawsuit over Bucket Cocoa Puffs Shake. When will The Bucket ever learn?

But here at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage, Italian sausage is Italian sausage. We will never sneak Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage over our label to fry on the griddle and eat with Frumpy Flakes. I couldn’t face Tony the Tigger. Smuggling George Jones Sausage stickers is passe on our Hot ‘n’ Spicy sausage. Be assured, Gil’s Hot ‘n’ Spicy and a bowl of Corn Chicks and a mug of Frosty Root Beer will all be the genuine article. No fake sausage or root beer will ever leave the plant and be loaded by the forklift on the semi.

And these smear campaigns by Tennessee Pride in the Milford Enquirer that say we use fillers in our sausage to bolster the product. Believe me, I will never stuff Gil Thorp Mild in Mimi’s boobs for breast enhancement. We are FDA-compliant and they have yet to ferret out Lucky Charms in our sausage. We go the whole hog, if you’ll pardon the pun.

But don’t take my word for it. Come pick up a package of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage at your local grocer and let the flavor bust out. Good eatin’ and honest advertising makes for comforting words when Porky Pig is read his Last Rites. The way sausage is made.

Gang, you mean the world to me. But I’m hungry and I ran out of Slushee Puffs and gotta go to the store for a box or two. See ya.

 

Baseball practice is delayed cuz we’re glued in this crate now (we’re glued in this crate, now, we’re glued in this crate)

The way the plot and engine runs, we’ll be droppin’ in doubly late now (droppin’ in bubbly, he’s spilling his drink)

Softball will be sorely expunged through the twists of fate, wow (through the twists of fate, like Mimi’s fate and face)

This won’t be fun, fun, fun ’til they throw this dumb plot away (No fun, fun, fun, write this script away)

 

This won’t be fun, fun, fun…

 

Recreating Bill Cosby when he had a comedy show back in the late ’60’s, early ’70’s (NOT when he was a Huxtable, in other words) , a hilarious episode when he’s advertising for Corn Whispies

“God, I hope you do better than that Cosby character. He spilled Corn Whispies all over his son when he was pouring the product. All right, Thorp, you’re on.”

 

At the Thorp household with the camera rolling

“Daddy, I want some cereal and I ran out of Honeycomb.”

“No problem, Son. Here, have some Corn Whiskies. It’ll help you grow big and strong…”

“Cut.”

 

 

 

March 20, 2020

Oh let it go already!

Filed under: Brown Hair, freak hands, Milford Idiots, Milford Weirdos, Pointy Fingers — robmize2013 @ 7:18 pm

First of all:   Yes I had to go to work today. I’m essential, a mailman. I get permission to leave my house, which is somewhat of a relief given what I hear about people going stir-crazy in their homes and binge-watching every show ever produced. Hey, I get fresh air and (mild) exercise, and listen to talk shows on the radio while Im driving around outside. I get home, walk my dog, rest and watch a little tv, then make dinner and kick back and enjoy my evening.   I really hope by mid-April we’ll have a handle on this thing, because so many lives have been affected. I miss seeing my friends, but I’m sure we’ll be very happy to see each other when this is over. Its all I can do. I wash my hands when I can and try to stay as clean as possible, which is just about impossible while I’m working, but it is what it is. And I never knew I’d be giving up church for Lent.

So these 2 clowns are still re-hashing what happened 3 years ago, and Divot Head is refusing an apology that Chris doesnt even have to make. I really think Chris wasnt aware of it at that moment. You walk by a lot of stuff in a day, and if you stopped and policed every one of them you’d never get anywhere with what You had to do. I think if it was that obvious Chris woulda done something, but Divot should just take his word for it, and MOVE ON. We can add Divot Head to the list of characters to be shot out of a cannon after theyre done entertaining us.

P3 has what looks like Alexa’s guidance counselor reviewing her academic record.  I dont know why this is that necessary in the strip; why we care about her post-Milford life is dubious. And the dialogue is nonsensical. If Alexa already triple-checked this info,  why does Brown Hair have to top that? Who checked first? Sounds like they both did, but Alexa’s balloon should be a question not a statement.

I also cant get over the way that chair is shaped. How BH is sitting in it is beyond me. If its a swivel chair it should be visible behind both sides of her. Comments on this are welcome.

Stay healthy my friends! We’re all in the same boat.

 

March 19, 2020

A Good Samaritan Gone Bad.

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WHAT???? We went through all through this investigation and even by-passed Alexa’s development as a scoring machine down low and Chris’ development in just any category, you name it, only to find out that Teddy Blue planted a whoopee cushion to this plot because Dagwood walked on the other side of the street when Elmo got wedgied by Wee Pals and headed onto Midnight Handicap Bowling Night at Milford Lanes? Say it ain’t so.

Lesson Number One in how never to conduct a treasure hunt. We went to the Milford Public Library and went to the microfiche of all the National Geographic’s (“Milford at a Crossroads: Perspectives and Possibilities”) and the Special Collections to skip over the newspaper articles that showed pictures of Gil actually coaching (Ansel Adams shot it and put it in a scrapbook next to his pictures of Yosemite Valley) then went through Dr. Pearl’s office to see if she was still on the oxygen machine like she’s been inhaling for the last 2 centuries (gettin’ up there in years) and when she could still file away School Lunch Menus for the Month of May, we figured she could maneuver manila folders and use her lungs at the same time, then went through the girls gym where Mimi taught about life and grade point averages and taught Alexa that if you don’t score, you’ll flunk out and life will suck and you’ll wind up in Skid Row where all the other Valedictorians went who got straight A’s but refused to shoot lay-ups go for Purgatory only to learn that Teddy has a severe dearth of furniture and a chip on his shoulder. Talk about going back to square one.

“Teddy, if you want, I can call The Salvation Army and the truck should have the divan delivered by this afternoon, my treat. No hard feelings?”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Donates 1.5 Million Dollars Worth Of Neo-Georgian Living Room Suite Collectibles To Local Neighbor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was going to throw it out anyway. Judge Ito sat in the same love seat that Aaron Burr lounged on when we were going over case briefs. Comes with an ottoman.”

 

And as Teenchy mentioned, we’re leapfrogging several episodes, presumably due to baseball and softball suddenly springing on the horizon. Not that much justice will be done to those either but let’s get through this 1 scene, skip several scenes, backtrack a scene, come back to a scene among those several scenes, take a smoke break, another scene, insert a few “meanwhile”‘s along the way in case anybody’s awake (“Meanwhile in Dr. Pearl’s office where she’s spraying Raid on the Science Lab Delivery Invoices”) , divert to the Milford Barber Shop where Gil is investigating Chris’ Kindergarten transcript for any discrepancies in his Spelling Aptitude Test scores while getting a trim and a shave, endure a couple of leftover “meanwhile”‘s (“Meanwhile, at Milford General where Mimi is getting her leg amputated after dropping a bowling ball on her foot”) , watch the last scene ride off into the sunset with Gil riding Trigger and Teddy enjoying the coffee table that Chris recovered from the Wednesday Garbage Day bin and let’s FINALLY get to Spring sports. Don’t ask me to repeat that.

 

“Pop, I found the rake next to the pile of mimeographed sheets of the SAT Answer Code. We’ll nail Teddy for sure, isn’t that right, Birmingham?”

“That most certainly is. And Mr. Chan, I saw Teddy using that rake to filter the dandruff out of his Mohawk, sho’ nuff. We’ll get him for a misdemeanor anyway. Pilfered bookstore items, if nuthin’ else.”

“#2 Son and Birmingham, there’s an ancient Chinese proverb that says ‘When the plot has ended, go check if Gil’s babysitter is still watching the kids’. Now come, let’s let Teddy drown in his Vidal Sassoon Extra Moisturizer Formula and let us partake of a well-earned rest down at The Bucket. We could stand some Bucket Steamed Split Peas.”

 

If ya git a recliner delivered in a 4-wheel drive straight ta yore livin’ room after yore other recliner pooped out from all the butt-scratchin’ from you and yore bloodhounds while ya wuz watchin’ ESPN College Football Gameday ever’ Saturday and ya donate THAT piece uv furniture ta yore neighbor so that he has a place ta put his tool box on so that his tools don’t git greasy from all the dirt on the floor, ya might be a redneck.

 

Pebbles comes over to Bam Bam’s house a week after Bam Bam got due processed from Bedrock Elementary for sticking a dead pterodactyl in her desk while she was up front singing “God Bless America” in front of the class

“Bam Bam, I just want to let you no that I still like you and even though they had to fumigate my desk, the silver lining was they sent that dead pterodactyl to the Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage plant in the Sage Sausage Processing Department.”

“Pebbles, I have always resented you. When I was trying to turn the hose on Dino and that saber-toothed cat that dumps your dad outside at the end of the show, you sent the Mau Maus after me because you were protesting animal cruelty.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Bam Bam-”

“And when your dad used a handgun on my mom’s bird that got the wheels turning on the iron so that my mom could iron my tunic, that was a low blow. Just because that bird told Fred that Wilma got poached brontosaurus eggs at fire sale prices from the Bedrock milkman, well, your dad can dish it out but he can’t take it. It took 4 days of clubbin’ that pterodactyl but if it meant watching you sing “God Bless America” like Captain Beefheart, it was worth it.”

“And I want to make it up to you. My dad is coming over later to deliver that cot to your living room. He slept on it when he was in the Bedford Army National Guard. You will be home, won’t you?”

 

I think it’s important to be a good citizen and support my local neighborhood association. Still, I’m a little befuddled to read about some chickens that were running loose in the streets when I’m not really near any significant farm

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Plant Fined $1.3 Million Dollars By EPA After Yorkshire Escapes!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson at the plant noted that hog ran from Animal Testing Lab into Grease Monkey parking lot and contaminated the asphalt with multiple droppings.”

 

Birmingham Brown in front of the Milford High School Girls Gym, standing by the car, waiting for Charlie Chan and his son

“Boy, I sure hope Mr. Chan is okay. Man, ol’ Alexa was a walking time bomb. When his son told Mimi that instructing Alexa to pretend like she was shooting aTexas Instrument TI-89 calculator was an absurdity, I thought Gil was going to knock him on the floor for a 3-count. Thank God, I’m safe out here. Lord, I’d hate to see how dangerous he can be when he’s doing any coaching. I’ll turn in my resignation to Mr. Chan.”

Charlie Chan and his son come out of the gym

“You were right, Pop. There wasn’t any activity going on. I had a hunch that the Spalding semi with all the basketballs by the Milford Truck Stop was headed towards the Milford YMCA Campground. When he was downing a burrito, that sealed it.”

“Ya mean, I waited for you for 3 months shakin’ in my shoes only to find out THERE WAS NUTHIN’ GOIN’ ON?????”

“Birmingham, I learned from Confucius that man who sees another man with a catcher’s mitt and a volleyball in front of the pavilion should not assume that man is waiting for the 3-man officiating crew. Now, #2 son, I assume you have some Certs in your pocket. Your breath is beginning to smell like Gil’s locker at the Milford Athletic Club.”

 

I am a HUGE comic strip buff and one of my favorites is Gasoline Alley. They have been up and running for over a century and deservedly so. Frank King, the original artist, designed his backgrounds in his strips to resemble the rustic scenery of his native Wisconsin. Nice rolling hills and plenty of pastures graced the cityscape of Walter Wallet and his adopted son, Skeezix. With the seemingly ranch house conept in P3 in mind and pretending The Dells are behind the trees, Rufus and Joel show up

“Mornin’, Mr. Wallet.”

“Good morning, Joel. Good morning, Rufus.”

“Jus’ wanna le’ ya knows that if Betsy stepped inta yer ki’chen un’nvited, I’se sorry. Sumtimes ‘at mule’s gotta mind o’ its own.”

“Oh, that’s okay, Joel. We were able to save the pots and pans that were handed down from the 11th century. We had to throw out the crockery my ancestors took with them on The Mayflower. But we kept the butter churner.”

“Land sakes, tha’s good news. Rufus, you ‘n’ Melba git that box o’ ‘luminum plates off th’ wagon.”

“Yes’m”

“Rufus, I ain’t Melba. Tha’s wuss ‘n’ callin’ me Gil. Mr. Wallet, ’em plates we foun’ down by the crick. I understan’ Tiki ate off ’em when he wuz changin’ school distrikts. But I don’ think he’s returnin’ for dessert, so they’s all yorn.”

“Why, thank you, Joel. Looks like Rufus and Melba are experience trouble getting them off the wagon.”

“Rufus, you’s as worthless as this plot. Do I gotta util’ze Betsy ta tug ’em off?”

“I’s jest that the box is so he’vy, it’ll rip Melba’s skirt clean off. And we got kids ‘at read Gil an’ play bask’tball. Alexa didn’ shoo’ free t’rows ‘n’ her birt’day suit.”

“Rufus, don’ tell me th’ rules. Ya soun’ like Mimi when she’s eatin’ one o’ Melba’s possum biskits f’ breakfast. Han’ me th’ crowbar and git out o’ th’ way. Don’ worry, Mr. Wallet, we’ll git ’em dish’s off th’ wagon and ‘n’ yer livin’ room in a bit.”

“No problem, Joel. I have to go to town. I have to go pick up Skeezix from soccer practice. I’ll be back by the end of the baseball season. You’re welcome to the Lay’s Sour Cream Chips on the shag carpet in the living room. The Milford Steam-Vac guy  foamed the floor an hour ago so you should be good to go.”

“Much ‘bliged, Mr. Wallet. An’ me ‘n’ Rufus’ll git a coal shovel and git all th’ poop off the ki’chen tile. Sumtimes, Betsy’s also gotta butt o’ her own.”

 

“Birmingham!!!!!!!!!”

“Hey, Benjamin!!!!!!!!!!! Whatcha know?”

“Well, I heard that Gil-”

“You’re puttin’ me on. But didn’t Mimi-”

“Naw, the fire truck hosed it down. But-”

“You mean to tell me-”

“Yup, her kids tested negative at the clinic. They-”

“Wait a minute. I saw Gil with a shotgun-”

“Shootin’ mice in the gym-”

“Don’t blame him. Well, Ben, nice seeing you.”

“Same here, Birmingham.”

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Amy Grant. I have always loved her music and I really give her props for ability to write her own songs. She started out in the early ’80’s with hits like “El Shaddai” and “Angels”, then hit her stride later in the decade with her first #1 single, a duet with Peter Cetera (formerly with Chicago) performing “The Next Time I Fall.” She scored her second #1 single, “Baby Baby”, off her blockbuster album, “Heart in Motion.” A six-time Grammy winner, I have always admired her solid Christian life, one of the few I can honestly say (unfortunately) lives the Christian faith along with telling it. Amy, you did the right thing divorcing your first husband. Just because he said he was a Christian did not a Christian necessarily make. You seem A LOT happier now. Please join me in saluting a woman who has created a serious dent in the music industry and still loves Jesus. God bless you, Amy.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Charlie Chan gets the gym open again after he proved to the Milford School Board that years of neglect didn’t prove lack of interest after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“Man, I have always liked Charlie Chan movies. Sippin’ a Bud on the couch with Mimi snoozin’ on my shoulder and watching “Charlie Chan Goes to Milford to Stop the Rioting”, well, only  a member of the Swedish Bikini Team would make that better.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp, speaking on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And, sakes alive, this Coronavirus scare is affecting the nation and I can understand. And people are looking for answers.

Our Booze and Toilets promo has been enhanced with the generous cooperation of Milford Plumbing Solutions. Many toilets are contaminated and health recovery can be hindered with such a contraption stuck like one great big wart in the bathroom.

That’s why The Warehouse is here to save the day and the nation. Bring in your enfant terrible and your Milford Beverage Warehouse credit card and with a purchase of Gallo Family Moscato 1.5 Liter, you can put your problem child on the dump truck and exchange it for a Broyhill Sani-Flush Futur-ama, problem solved. Shoot, for an extra bottle, they’ll even install it. I’m glad I don’t have to use plastic gloves when Jose Cuervo runs through my system and I gotta pee me a river.

And with a purchase of a Bud Light Platinum the 24-Pak, 12 ounce cans for pennies on the dollar, The Warehouse will send the cavalry out to unclog your john. Sometimes, Grandma comes over for St. Patrick’s Day dinner and her constipation seems to be contagious. Over-consumption of green cupcakes will do that. But not all toilets are victims of The Plague. They just need a gentle push and flushing is as easy as falling off a log. And if Milford Plumbing Solutions doesn’t unclog the toilet, you still keep the booze. You’ll get something before it’s all over.

And for you hypochondriacs out there, your worries are over. With a purchase of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whisky 750 ml for a price you potty-trained your dog with, Milford Plumbing Solutions and The Warehouse have financed free vaccinations through Milford Public Health Department to cope with the crisis. One shot in the arm and you’ll see Captain Morgan. Hope he’s got a shopping cart because the deals here at The Warehouse are no illusion. I’ll be lining up to go get my bottle.

Come down to The Warehouse and ditch that contaminated throne where it’ll be sent to Perdition, somewhere in the county. And walk out of The Warehouse with your grip on The Good Life. Tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. PLEASE, all kidding aside, follow the Center for Disease Control guidelines to the nth degree. Wash your hands. Cook THOROUGHLY. Maintain proper distance. Get fresh air and sunshine.  And the cleaner air, the better. Stay active but stay smart. AND if you suspect the symptoms of Coronavirus, DON’T HESITATE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!

We’re America, Gang. United we stand. Let’s stand together like we have in the past. It is how we got through in the past and how we’ll get through now. God bless you all.

 

“Well, Mr. Chan, looks we wrapped up another case. You stickin’ around for baseball?”

“I respectfully decline, Mr. Thorp. My grandfather once told me that ‘Man whose feet is stuck in the mud in the batter’s box will never get the benefit of the call from the umpires on a bang-bang play’. Come, Birmingham, take me home.”

 

At the Milford Beverage Warehouse in the vaccination line

“There you are. You’ll see your Maker before you know it, if not Evan Williams. Here, Dr. Pearl, don’t forget your coat and your bottle of Jack.”

 

 

March 18, 2020

Smack My Snitch Up

gt03182020

Sorry to be so late on today’s post. We may all be confined to quarters but our work hasn’t stopped.

Rubin’s poor clock management has pushed him further into the no-huddle offense. We jump from Gil giving Dr. Pearl her marching orders out of the star chamber to the results of those orders: Teddy on lockdown at Casa DeMarco. Chris may not be there to beat up on Teddy, but Hiawatha, Marcel and Tom hiding behind the door there might be a bit more willing.

At least we finally get hints as to what bug Teddy’s had up his ass about Chris. It’s been six years shorter than the one Alexa had for Chris, so unlikely it had anything to do with Jeopardy! Did Chris pass over Teddy when picking sides for flag football in PE class? Make fun of his hair? Or is it just ’cause Chris is a good team player and just so goshdarn smart?

Whatever its I’m sure it will be as stupid and underwhelming as every other plot device we’ve seen this winter. Bring on baseball, as this’ll be the only place we see it for a while. Can’t wait to see if Valley Tech will put someone in their scoreboard to steal the Mudlarks’ signs and beat on a garbage can.

 

March 10, 2020

The Tales Of Teddy Blue

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Pantheon of Hair — tdrewhardin @ 2:59 pm

Ooooooo, ooo, ooo, Teddy Blue

Telling tall tales that never come true

What’s reality but fresh coffee grinds

A comb in your staid mousse, you’ll more likely find

 

Spending academic life in detention hall

Never cracked a book nor shot a ball

Hooked the coaches who lend an ear

All the forlorn tripe that they care to hear

 

Oooooooo, ooo, ooo, Teddy Blue…

 

Hoo boy. We have gone farther than the Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. But that contraption had chances to resurface to get provisions and catch its breath. This travesty of justice is worse than Howdy Doody in dire need of Sweeny Todd. Evidently, Thorpiverse played Connect the Dots with Howdy’s face and never connected the dots. Just as well. Even if you did, the beard would never reach Chet Ballard’s rug and God help us if we were to find out the truth. That Chet and Teddy Blue were both not adept at telling the truth, beard or no beard. If you use shaving cream, your ethics still have to be cleaner than Dr. Pearl’s desktop. I’m not going to her office to see if there’s any clutter. Just keep the door closed and continue down the hallway.

And shame on Gil for listening to a teenage lout who figures mightily in a career in savings-and-loan scandals. The cad has already received detention and his props were confiscated. One of my favorite movies is “Punchline”. The premise centered around a NYC comedy club employing aspiring, promising comedians, the club managed by a no-nonsense, suffer-no-fools-gladly individual. Tom Hanks plays a medical school failure and Sally Fields, a New Jersey suburban homemaker, both of them VERY promising comedians. John Goodman, for the record, plays Fields’ husband who is solidly against her funnybone ambitions and does just about anything to undermine it.

Anyway, it’s like Teddy Blue getting bombed out of the same club, his props landing in a place where the NYC garbageman can take it away, then Teddy Blue returning to the manager for a second chance, begging the manager, who’s eating lunch at The Bucket, for a second chance and the manager, over Bucket Tex-Mex Bar-B-Q and Bucket Trafalgar Pudding, getting a soft heart and letting him back on stage. And digging his banjo and harmonica out of the city dump. Better make sure the chicken bones and other yucky trash didn’t de-string the banjo or clog up the harmonica. If he was telling lies to Coach Thorp in the faculty lounge with a Jew’s harp, I’d feel better.

 

Because I really don’t know what Trafalgar pudding is, though I otherwise enjoyed reading “Madame Bovary”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Discovers That Trafalgar Pudding Was Hindering Schuring’s Development!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cost The Mudlarks At Least 2 Games!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I have him on a strict diet. Just raw turnips and Bucket Veggie Burgers. No more carbs.”

 

And when the tree is about the only thing uglier than Teddy Blue’s scuzz and/or testimony, we are in deep Mudlark droppings. Be sure you have plenty of windshield fluid to wipe off the mess.

Gil, I have one question: Did it ever occur to you to check with Chris after the doo doo drops on the windshield? Or do you naturally assume that Chris is perched in a catalpa tree somewhere and couldn’t contain the runs and your car just happened to be nearby. Just askin’.

 

Ooooooo, ooo, ooo, Teddy Blue

What’s this game, Jerk, you don’t want to lose

Planting slander to spread and defame

Little wonder that slime mars your name

 

Lugs a partner around, reluctant to rave

You ought to fly right and get a shave

People listen but I don’t comprehend

Why they treat him like a long-lost friend

 

Ooooooo, ooo, ooo, Teddy Blue…

 

Oh boy, what a way to get to the bottom of this charade by having a conference in The Streaky Room. The Stinky Room was already taken, the Math Bowl Competition going at full fury there. I think Oakwood was leading the other schools at the last turn, apparently memorizing fractions, until the wee hours no less, paid dividends. Luhm will be in later to use Pine-Sol on the dog poop on the abacus.

Coach Thorp, it is bad enough that Luhm did a lousy job with the Windex but do we really have to see crooked rainbows before we FINALLY consult Chris Schuring on what happened? Gee, an Honor student who is about as squeaky-clean as those windows is being left out in the cold while the truth is being sought. And when you just show up in streaky faculty lounges to intimidate and brow-beat students after you’ve called in sick for the season, then allow equal weight to Teddy Blue’s word in proportion to Chris’ testimony, somebody ought to whop you on side yo’ hair with one of those Thor bolts in the window.

When I was taking education classes, Dr. Kenzie (God love the man, he’s in a better place) talked about the time when he entered the boys room to take a whiz, he caught a Summa Cum Laude smokin’ in the room. Dr. Kenzie had a dilemma on his hand. Do you suspend a Valedictorian and ruin his academic career or do you slap him on the wrist, knowing the student won’t be stupid next time but obviously sagging on School Policy?

The sad thing is, this is really not a dilemma. It’s open-and-shut. Gil, open your eyes and tell Teddy Blue to shut up. And clean his Heath Bar stains on the window.

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry goes to a woman I admire and respect, Dr. Sherry B. Darrell. She was Professor of English at University of Southern Indiana for several years. People never gave USI much of a chance when it first started out, many calling it West Side High (USI is west of Evansville, Indiana) . She was a major reason for the school’s growth and prestige. I thought I learned everything about writing and composition until I took her class. She was VERY knowledgeable and on top of the latest developments. And I learned how to make my writing have some bite to it. Crutch Verbs (such as “put”, “have”, “is”, etc.) brought down your writing; words with punch e.g., “kick”, “cram”, “plunge”, etc. gave sentences more life. And made readers want to read. She has been a heavy influence in my life. Dr. Darrell, I salute you. Rest well in retirement.

 

“…what do I look like, John Goodman, Twin Towers in the background, yelling at Mimi and telling her she’s not funny and if she want’s a career at comedy clubs, she’s going to have to dump the Charlie’s Angels look?”

 

Silence

 

Later

 

“Don’t worry. There’s still tonight. And I understand the executives from ABC-TV will be in the crowd. Just tune the banjo and pry that old chewing gum out of the harmonica. You’ll knock ’em dead. I got faith in ya.”

 

If ya rat on yore buddy ta the Game Warden over trumped-up charges of huntin’ deer out of season and ya plant a dead deer in the guy’s trunk ta sub-stan-chee-ate yore claims, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Manager at the Milford Comedy Club, my name is not on the list.”

“Aw, Gil, you’re a coach in the past. We’re dealing with coaches in the future. Hell, you weren’t even in the picture IN the past, let alone the present. Now, c’mon, we need you to get out at a table and cheer on the other coaches. And the Mudlar-K-Cola’s on the house for you. I understand Hanks wants to coach Oakwood. Let’s help him land the position.”

“I brought my own Stella Artois.”

“Whatever, let’s help him along and help Fields be his assistant.”

 

Again, we are reading our weekly dose of dumbing-down journalism. OF COURSE Alexa would never do something as stupid as jeopardize her own academic future by accepting cheat sheets from Teddy Haskell. That’s as plain as that oak door that must have been created by Iron Butterfly when they weren’t crooning “In-a-goda-da-Vida” down at the Milford Lounge.

Then again, for that matter, neither would Chris. But leave it to Gil to make this a Rocket Science project. We gotta make this interesting the next few weeks until baseball which is still an eternity away, TST (Thorpiverse Standard Time) . That explains why Gil is buying Elmer’s Glue down at Milford Apothecary to construct the model rocket engine, panels, nose, exhaust system, astronauts’ lounge, joystick, etc. and stick all the piece together. He might have that damn thing up and running so that Keri and Jaime can watch it fly in the garage before the cat attacks it and takes it for a mouse.

And it’s all because he had coupons ready for the Elmer’s Glue and Jack Daniels when he was standing in line at Milford Apothecary. Not getting the facts first had its privileges.

 

“…and 2 of them didn’t even like him. They were offended at his coaching-”

“We’ll be back to see who gets the brass ring at the Milford Comedy Club between Mimi and Sally after these messages. This is WDIG-TV”

 

At the Milford Meijer at the kiddie riding horse

 

RIDE ‘EM COWBOY!!!!!!!!! GIT ALONG, LITTLE DOGIE, TAKE ME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Mommy, Daddy’s been on that horsey for an hour and I wanna ride!!!!!!!!!!!”

“It’s OK, Keri. Gil, you’re causing a scene. Don’t you think you ought to get off and let the kids have some fun?”

“Oh, I’m gettin’ off all right. And I’ve never been harder. It took an hour but I’m as solid as a church. Thank God I brought plenty of pennies.”

“Mommy, what does he mean? I never knew horsey’s could make churches. I always thought they made ponies.”

“Honey, if he doesn’t get off that horse, he’ll be eating ponies at the Milford Moto-Lodge for their Continental Breakfast.”

“Mimi, I’m pretending like I’m at the Milford Rodeo and you’re a stallion that keeps trying to buck the issue. But if I hang on, you’ll take it and like it. This works better than Meta-Mucil. It’s got good roughage but my hose just hung on the clothesline.”

“Mommy, people are staring, wondering what he’s talking about. Is he trying to poop on the horse?”

“Better than pooping on me, I suppose. Gil, I just bought these Super-Power Erec-for-Fun 3400 medications. Milford Men’s Clinic sells them over-the-counter at stores like Meijer. You don’t have to get on to get up.”

“You mean, I can’t yell Hi-yo Silver to put the exclamation point on my Dysfunction?”

“Mommy, I’m hungry. Daddy said we’re going to Long John Silver’s.”

 

“Wow. The medication started me up and me and Mimi never stopped, never stopped, never stopped. This grown man had a great time and the kids had a great time on Trigger. Can I get a witness? Oh, and we ate at Long John Silver’s after all was said and done. Ummmm, ummm, Fish ‘n’ More Platters and gettin’ it on in bed, we only needed Bucket Tartar Sauce for one of them. I’ll leave it to your imagination. The Milford Men’s Clinic. Where ridin’ the Chisholm Trail can be Disneyland along the way.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. And if Gil will get the facts before walking in streaky rooms with Etch-a-Sketch doors, I think we’ll call it a deal.

 

THAT WOMAN CAN’T COACH!!!!!!!!! HER PLAYERS DON’T RESPECT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HER HUSBAND NEVER CLOCKS IN!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hey, Mimi. What are you doing in New Jersey?”

 

March 7, 2020

Snitchin’ to Rollins

gt03072020

We’ve come to that time in just about every Gil Thorp arc in which Rubin realizes he hasn’t paced worth a damn and he has to cram a week’s worth of action into a single strip and starts rushing the plot ahead without filling in the details. If this was football season we’d call it the two minute drill, but since it’s basketball season let’s call it throwing up treys and fouling. It’s late in the day and I know most of you TWIMers have probably seen today’s strip already, so I’m gonna rush through this much as Rubin did. Okay? Okay!

P1: I know that AP Chemistry midterm must be hard but, come on, it’s nothing to lose your head over! Maybe this isn’t AP Chem but American Lit and that kid under the first dialog box is acting out “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.”

P2: Neither the Milford boys nor the girls are making the playdowns ’cause they don’t score enough, so let’s sweep these games under the rug, shall we? Boy, that Marcell Irby sure is lanky!

P3: DeMarco is dropping in on Steve Harvey Mr. Rollins who, I’m assuming, is the AP Chem teacher. Couldn’t tell from that poor excuse for a periodic table behind his head. We know he’s gonna dime out Schuring; what we don’t know yet is how Schuring’s gonna get his name cleared. Something tells Gil will intervene (heaven knows he hasn’t been busy coaching) and Schuring’s word will be taken because athlete. Then we get a throwaway panel or two telling us why DeMarco’s had beef. Maybe Teddy has a low self opinion.

 

Then Alexa and Chris walk down a hallway, then it’s on to baseball. Hang on for the thrilling conclusion, folks!

March 5, 2020

This Farce Is On The House.

03052020

7:14PM-We did stake-out in front of the Milford Public Library. My partner, Bill Gannon, was munching on his 7th Baconator w/ Swiss Cheese while I was about to smoke through my carton of Bel-Air’s. We were sure the illegal operation was going through the doors of what was once a Carnegie Library but we had to be careful. We couldn’t ID a patron’s library card without a warrant and we also didn’t want to blown away by a little old lady with an Uzi under her collection of mystery novels like Sue Grafton’s “M is for Milford”.

We hit paydirt. A gentleman who exhibited the ugliest Mr. T filament I had ever seen since they cancelled “The A-Team” walked into front entrance with more test aids than Barron’s. And I had a hunch he wasn’t headed to one of the conference rooms for a book discussion on Ray Bradbury’s “Golden Apples of the Sun.”

“Police officers!!!!!!!! Get your hands up and spread ’em out!!!!!!! Bill, frisk ’em for any weapons!!!!!!!”

“Mr. Friday, if you have overdue library items, we can renew them for 3 more weeks. You have 1 renewal allowance left.”

“Don’t try anything cute. I know you have illegal shipments of PSAT exams somewhere. Bill, check under the Xerox copier.”

“Mr. Friday, I assure you, we haven’t any illegal materials or drugs. And if we see or hear anything suspicious, we do our duty as citizens to call the police.”

“That’s what the commander at Pearl Harbor said and there were bombs in his file cabinet. Don’t try to cover this bomb or the judge will convict you on a Section 75, Article 401, “Illegal Storage of Educational and Public Institutional Reading Provisions Within and On General Library Property”. A confession now will lighten the sentence.”

“Joe, maybe she’s right. All I found at the copier was the crossword puzzle section out of the Milford Enquirer. Somebody forgot to take it off the glass.”

“Awwwwrrightt, you were lucky this time. But if I spot so much as a take-home portion of the SAT on the Fiction shelves, I’m gonna run you in and you better have a good lawyer. We’ll be back.”

 

Gang, you Dirty Harry buffs remember the scene where a psycho who’s on a killing rampage pays this bruiser to beat the tar out of him so that this psycho can frame the police and make it appear like police brutality? This bully just keeps beating him and beating him, finally the bully lands a crusher on him and says “This one’s on the house.”

And when I saw Teddy and his oversize hand throw the contraband on Chris, I felt like that psycho.

“Gil, you mean you want me to kick you in the nuts and rip your hair so that you can have a reason to call in sick? You’re not around much anyway. And I don’t like getting Brylcream all over me.”

“Please do it. Dr. Pearl said I couldn’t use any more sick days and unless I got ran over by the Milford & Oakwood Midnight Special, I was to fulfill the rest of my teacher’s contract and coach the balance of the season. And my cruise ship tickets to The Bahamas are non-refundable.”

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“This one’s on the house, Mimi.”

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sting Operation At Testing Site At Milford Community College Nets $1.7 Million In Confiscated Hot SAT Materials!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Detective Friday: ‘I noticed one of the dealers carrying a Magic Marker into the classroom instead of 2 #2 pencils. And when he didn’t have his calculator, that’s when I put the finger on him. Those punks never had a chance.”

 

THE STREAK IS BACK

Boy o boy, we got the package today. Dark Shadows Hand in P1 and now The Streak in P2. And I remember when Dan Curtis, who produced Dark Shadows, screened actors for his show so that it would be that much scarier. He wanted people who were REALLY freaky, were excellent actors, and were terrific with the public. Jonathan Frid, who played Barnabas Collins, was a good example. He was a veteran Shakesperean actor and was super with the fans. He would stop on the streets to sign an autograph. People loved him. And when you saw his displaying those vampire teeth on the TV screen, that just confirmed the issue.

Well, Teddy can’t act and it’s hard for me to believe after he got detention that he has a good rapport with the hoi polloi BUT he is super freaky with that hairdo. He’s 1/3 of the way there should the networks return Dark Shadows to the spotlight. He might catch up by then, especially if he quits getting detention for sticking sting bombs in Barnabas’ coffin. Don’t hold your breath.

Anybody who leaves a streak, er, trail with Kaplan’s AP Guide to Trigonometry ledger notes on the Head Librarian’s desk is in serious need of reform. Those cosine and sine functions in the doorway attest to that.

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“This one’s on the house.”

KERBLOOEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Dude, did you have to that to Dr. Pearl? I don’t care how much she paid you. She’s got a face that was born before the French and Indian War.”

 

2:31PM, Next day-In order to nab these vermin in the act, we had to think like them. So we had Bill Gannon pose as a conferderate. He was to be an SAT Test buyer and so he had to learn the tricks of the trade. It wasn’t going to be easy because Bill barely passed high school. Last-minute intervention by Dr. Pearl kept Gannon from being sent on the front line at the Battle of the Bulge. He owed her one.

“Joe, I think I have this down pat. I had a little trouble with the Essay Section but I got an ‘A’ n my term paper at the Milford Police Academy on ‘Criminal Tactics on Bucket Burger Swindlers’. And I got my calculator in case he tries to pull an arctan on me. I memorized the Math Section cold. I bet I’d score an 800 easily.”

“The real test is when those punks try to smell you out. Your testimony better be tight. Let’s go over the Verbal Section one more time.”

“Sure, Joe. Okay, Mr. Punk, I looked over these analogies and they appear to be in good working order. BASKETBALL:INERTIA seem to align with SPORTS:NONEXISTENCE. And I filled in the blanks with ‘Gil ______________ the season in order to party even if the populace_________________ for more activity’ with ‘trashed’ and ‘clamored’. Gotta watch those opposites. I almost answered ‘consummated’. I’ll take ’em. Got plenty of Benjamin’s. Name your price.”

“You’ll knock ’em dead, Bill.”

Slightly peppy music imbues Dragnet while Bill and Joe leave the physics lab.

 

If ya bribe the guy at the bar so ya can git the answer sheet to yore arithmatic ex-am-in-na-shun and finally pass 3rd grade and the ne’er-do-well throws in a slide rule ab-suh-lute-ly gratis, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Okay, it all checks out. The logarithm of 100 is 2 so ‘None of the above’ is the correct answer. And I’ll give in on the Antonym Section. I reckon ‘hirsute’ is the opposite of ‘immaculate’. You drive a hard bargain. I still say it’s ‘shiny’. Remember, it’s NEAREST in meaning. But if you’ll throw in a Videocassette on ‘Big Jake’s Sweating to a 1600 on the SAT’, I’ll call it even.”

“Deal.”

“Gentlemen, I need the goods if you want the cash.”

“Okay, Jiffy Pop Head, you go with Frank and get the stuff out of the van. Here’s the key.”

“I got a better idea LET’S ALL GO POLICE OFFICERS YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!!!!!!!!!!”

 

____________

 

“You got a warrant?”

“Right here wedged in this test booklet, punk. You better start asking what oars you’re gonna need when you get sent up the river.”

“I was only doing what any Robin Hood would do to help a poor schmuck to Harvard. I ain’t all bad.”

“Son, you can’t just hock answer sheets and crib notes out of the professor’s vertical file at Milford Community College. There’s laws against that. Personally, I don’t want a guy majoring in electric engineering at MIT with egg on his conscience. What’d you find in the briefcase, Joe?”

“The price tag is still fresh on the ‘Barron’s Prep Guide to Better Scores on the SAT’, answers included. Straight out of the Milford CC Bookstore. He doesn’t have a prayer before the judge.”

“Jiffy Pop Head, didn’t I tell you to burn those tags?”

“I couldn’t help it. They’re made out of the same material as Gil’s hair.”

“So’s your brain.”

“THAT’S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU TWO. YOU’RE IN ENOUGH HOT WATER WITH DR. PEARL. DON’T TRIP ON THE WAY TO THE COURTROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Luhm, I’m stickin’ this broom handle up your butt on the house.”

OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“This is Marty Moon with a Special Report at Milford High School where the janitor was brutalized. Mr. Luhm, what happened?”

“Gil did all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him I couldn’t wax the floor until after the players left the scrimmage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’ll pay for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

Dum da dum dum

Dum da dum dum

DUMMMMMMMMMMMM

“This farce you have just seen is true. The names are unfortunately true and exposing the innocent.

“On March 4th, trial was held in the cafeteria of Milford High School at the PTA meeting. In a moment, the results of that trial.”

 

“Folks, I hope those smugglers get the book thrown at them. Whether it’s Dan-O or Joe Friday, nobody more than me likes to see a guy strapped to a chair because McGarrett or Friday caught them breaking into a student’s locker and stealing that student’s Pudding Pops.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And, boy, do I have a menu for you while you’re watching Friday hangin’ ’em high at Tombstone. Our enterprises and El Tarasco Restaurant have joined together to provide you with even better quality products that you can snarf straight off the TV tray.

Try our new Gil Thorp Italian Sausage ‘n’ Enchiladas Verdes. Mmmmmm, mmm, I can almost smell Mimi smokin’ ’em off the electric stove. With that aroma and Milford Dairies Sour Cream, I’m bettin’ Joe Friday nails then in the next Dragnet episode when the bad guys try to pillage the Milford Food Pantry for guacamole dip.

Are you a shrimp guy? No problem. Gil Thorp Sage Seasoned Sausage y Camarones al Chipotle is just the thing to lay on the grill when the gang comes over to watch Major League Baseball Game of the Week. And Chihuahua Cheese will bat a thousand every time when you’re topping the patties. Hey, and I didn’t know Camarones meant ‘shrimp’. I always thought it meant ‘camera’. Goes to show you us coaches are always learning a new play to put in the playbook.

And you quiche eaters out there who don’t buy grills can always indulge in Gil Thorp Mild Sausage Fajita Burrito Grande. Even Grandma will enjoy this Grande, especially when you marinate the Sausage of Choice. If you wussies want to go stronger, we have onions and peppers for just a few cents extra. Sometimes Joe Friday’s gotta play Rambo and throw tear gas in the faculty lounge if he wants the juvenile delinquents to surrender. We’re fine either way.

Come check out these and other fine Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage products in your grocers’ coolers. You don’t have to go south of the border for good eatin’. We’re right in your neighborhood.”

 

 

With Teddy and his buddy standing in front of a blank wall

“Teddy Demarco a/k/a Roger M. Klotz and Jiffy Pop Head were found guilty of two counts of “Illegal Test Preparation Trafficking” and 5 counts of “Harassment of Illegal Contraband onto the General Populace” according to Section 102, Article 9 of the Milford Municipal Legislative Compendium and is punishable by a fine of $35,000 on each count and not more than 5 years of Detention in the Study Hall with Parole set for 2 years by the Milford Parole Commission.”

“Demarco and Jiffy Pop Head are now serving Detention at Milford High School for 3 years.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. I bet you have better shooting form than Schuring too. Better arch, anyway.

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KLUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oops, sorry, Gil. Had too many Camarones con arroz. Here’s a twenty back.”

 

 

 

 

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