This Week in Milford

December 11, 2018

You Can’t Travel, Joe. Oops, My Bad, I Thought We Were Talking Basketball.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that’s a real knee-slapper, Filion. Way to get things on the right foot with the oldest prank in the book. Not even Dennis the Menace would stoop that low.

“OWWWWWWWWWWWWW, MY EYE HAS POPPED OUT OF ITS SOCKET, MR. WILSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“George, you big bully, you had to use a rake on him? C’mon, Dennis, let’s have some milk and cookies and I’ll see if I can find an adjustable crescent wrench to screw it back in.”

“Martha, I was just raking leaves!!!!!!!!!! Next thing you know, he and Ruff are on the ground in an epileptic seizure. That’s gotta be one of those gumballs he got out of the Milford Kiwanis gumball machine at the Milford Laundromat.”

“They just don’t want to admit they need a Band-aid. Here, I’ve got some peroxide in the Lazy Susan in the kitchen next to the Cheerios and the Arm & Hammer Baking Soda. And we’ll put Ruff to sleep after I feed you some Wheat Chex.”

“Ruff’s just constipated, Martha. I’ll get some Ex-Lax in my glove box and stick it in his Alpo.”

 

And you old timers remember the Gomer Pyle episode about Sergeant Carter’s eye? If you whippersnappers will bear with me too, an artist came on Camp Pendleton to survey who she thought might be a perfect person to represent the Marines in their advertising posters. Well. she’s making a few sketches throughout the show and it looks like she is sketching Sergeant Carter when in reality she is sketching Gomer. Sergeant Carter is performing all these manly poses from standing on Gomer in triumph during a war games drill to pointing the troops to victory as if he was at Iwo Jima. Naturally, Colonel Gray is shocked at the artist’s decision and eventually so is, naturally, Sergeant Carter. Gomer, of course, is the Man of the Hour on the posters, standing tall and proud in his dressed blues, representing everything you want in a Marine and what a grunt aspires to after boot camp and beyond. Still, as you could understand, it’s an awkward situation as Sergeant Carter is left out in the cold after he had high hopes. The artist senses that and so draws Sergeant Carter’s eye which lays in the background(“Behind every Marine is a Sergeant ready to mold him” or something to that effect which the artist uses to explain her rationale)  like the road-narrowing-to-a-point-in-the-distance perspective which lifts Sergeant Carter’s spirits considerably. In fact, at the end of the show, some passer-by sees the poster on a display on a street somewhere and sees Gomer and understandably says “Hey, that’s you!!!!!!” And as fate would have it, Sergeant Carter cuts in and says “Yes, but that’s my eye there behind him”. Of course, the passer-by has no clue what Sergeant Carter is talking about and the show ends with Sergeant Carter desperately clinging to his sliver of fame with the passer-by.

 

So as long as the football plot lost all the wheels on the car and we never knew the denouement of the season thanks to Thorpiverse evidently having trouble budgeting its time, I might as well tie up some loose ends with

“For every great Mudlark, there’s a coach who inspires him to perspire if he wants to win the brass ring” with Tiki running with the football to the end zone with the Sharks from New Thayer in hot pursuit while this toupee of Gil’s floats proudly and arrogantly in the sky, topped by a halo and surrounded by the Cherubim. Marty Moon is in the other corner being dragged down in Hell by Carrie White and the rest of the demons. Mimi and her basketball team are at the Pearly Gates cheering on Tiki to greater heights, heck, they have the time, they only play 5 basketball games.

On the bulletin board at The Bucket

“Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tiki, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re a real winner in that poster!!!!!!!!! You kicked some major Shark ass and you pulled a Doug Flutie to help win the game Thorpiverse forgot to print in this overextended season!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What’s your secret?”

“No secret, really. Just hard work, plenty of Kellogg’s Sugar Corn Pops-”

YES, BUT THAT’S MY HAIR BEHIND HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everybody looks befuddled.

MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!! MY HAIR!!!!!!!!!! THE BAD DON EVERLY REPRINT WITH THE GRECIAN FORMULA SMEARED ALL OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Can you say FILLER SPACE? What else could this be when we avoided the Jets and Sharks rumbling in the streets when one of the Jets had a camera and shot hog-wild with it and escaped by the hair of his chinny-chin-chin(as did the other Jets) and NOW we are about to begin basketball(and that ain’t gettin’ off on the right foot given a Mudlark showing off his Air Jordan moves in his negligee) which evidently required some kind of transition and I guess Joe at the Movies a/k/a Joe at the Travel Agency footed the bill.

I guess it’s better than the alternatives

At the Milford Lounge

“Gil, that’s the 13th Bud Lite you’ve had. The plot wasn’t THAT bad.”

“Oh, yeah(burp)? We had more action in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark: Indiana Jones Excavates Principal Ek’s Class Ring’, which Joe showed in one of the  game film sessions than on the football field. Man(belch), I feel like a fifth wheel. I hope Mimi doesn’t see me this way.”

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem. She just downed her 12th Bud Lite watching ‘Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman’ in the Family Room.”

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrr,

“We’re gonna film ’em TONIIGGGHHHHHTTTTTT

Their hood caps better fit tiiiiigggghhhhhhtttttt”

“Leonard, you get a good camera angle on the short guy’s crack; he’s not wearing Fruit of the Looms

And Andy, catch that bruiser with the tattoo when he’s smiling. That Mammy Yokum profile will drive him and the rest of the losers out of Milford, no question”

“Riiiiiggggghhhhhhtttttttttt”

“We’re gonna film ’em tonnnniiiiggghhhhttttttttt

The turd faces better take fllllliiiiggghhhhttttttt”

“Tonight, tonight, won’t be just any night…”

Ahhhhhhh, better save Tony and Maria for a rainy day

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

“DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a time to lose my Off! spray. I can outrun that elephant if I get to that footbridge. I never knew Milford Nature Area could be so gargantuous. Maybe Peaches’ll be there for a quickie.”

Really, any of these could have been the pinch hitter and we could sashay into Aardvark on a breakaway slam under the influence of one of his mother’s medications before you know it. Trust me on that one.

 

Shout out to Wayne and Steve Kuchenbrod of Lyndon, Kentucky. They are fraternal twins and when I saw them they were going to the public gym on a workout program. Good for them. It was COLD when I saw them and they could have stayed home and nobody would have blamed them but they chose to get out of the house. I’m proud of them for choosing to get busy living and work on improving their bodies as we all get older. I salute both of you and think you represent America. Treat ’em with respect, gang.

 

“In a moment, we’ll see if Marty can escape the pack of lions that Gil let loose in the Milford Nature Area from the Barnum & Bailey Circus.”

 

“Hi, this is Colonel Harland Sanders for Kentucky Fried Chicken. I’ll bet many of you think that because I now have the Andy Warhol profile on all my signage right down to the coffee cup and I have the voice of Boss Hogg when the record’s running at ’78 that it was all mashed potatoes and gravy. Boy, have you been eating one Liver Cheese Burger too many.

I actually started in Milford when it was the Milford Chicken Pits Company. We would shoot chickens out in the woods and even hock a few from Gil’s Grandfather’s farm next door. Shheeeeet, the dude possessed 1,275,898 of them, he wasn’t going to miss ’em any time soon. His abacus couldn’t count that high.

We would pluck the chicken one feather at a time, then use an Uzi on their head. Couldn’t be too careful. No sense in using a toy gun on them babies if ya wanted things finger lickin’ good. We just needed below the neck. Then we’d dip it into a battere that’s a secret recipe but I’ll throw a hint at ya, we had to dodge the revenoors when we drove in the woods. We opened our first restaurant right here in Milford, right down the street from The Bucket. Gil worked as a teenager, driving the unused chicken parts out by where the varmints smashed the still. Carry Nation wasn’t about to dig up nasty chicken breast bones and burn ’em nor raid Gil’s Chevy.

Over the years, we’ve grown to several restaurants, fightin’ The Bucket every step of the way over property settlements, advertising, and softball bragging rights, oh, SHIT, and the food too.

That’s why I’m here to plug our new 5 Dollar Fill-Up that’ll put any Bucket Chicken Sandwich or Bucket Burger to shame. For 5 dollars, you can load down with 150 wings, 353 thighs, 241 breasts, 15 gizzards, 2 tons of jowl bacon and 75 potato wedges and a chocolate ship cookie. And at no extra charge, the Bucket, not the Pop’s Cholit Shoppe wannabe, you dummies, comes with a side of cole slaw and mashed potatoes. We’ll even throw plastic silverware. Just be careful not to let the spork get submerged in all the thighs.

And wouldn’t you know it, our Bucket beats The Bucket’s Bucket. They only offer one ton of a Bucket o’ Jowl Bacon, 352 thighs and, hoooeyyyy, they include 100 Bucket Cheese Burgers which are manufactured from grain-fed beef, an EPA bête-noire.  To add insult to injury, their cole slaw and mashed potatoes come in thimbles. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be sewing  my Milford letter on my sweater with gravy all over me.

Come to KFC, where we do chicken right and let The Bucket burn their burgers on a cross of gold. A 5 Dollar Fill-Up Bucket is better than a Bucket o’ Anything at The Bucket, commode included.”

 

 

 

Gang, I’m STILL trying to figure out the freak hands in P2. You know those optical illusions where it’s an old lady in one perspective but a young woman in another? Yes, but that’s TWO SEPERATE ENTITIES!!!!!!!!!!! Here, the thumb and the forefinger is on the same hand. I’ve seen papier-mache artwork that my niece (great artist, BTW) concocted int he 3rd grade better than this guessing game of an appendage. I THINK that’s a thumbnail. Oh, what the hay, the thumb just got stapled on to the hand. Plus, nobody uses the thumb to emphasize a point. Try imagining Lincoln attempting the maneuver while giving the Gettysburg Address.

FDR at the mike

“Today will be a Day of Infamy”

Okay, one more last-ditch attempt,

Lou Gehrig giving his Farewell Speech

“I am the luckiest man alive.

Nahhhhhhhhhhhh, keep your thumb for safekeeping.

 

 

Oooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back in the studio to sabotage things and he is chompin’ at the bit to do so, thusly, take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought basketball started now because of ______________________”

 

If ya refuse ta turn the telly and watch the NBA or anything else for that matter even though ya have 151 channels ‘cuz youse callin’ the Cable officials about who won the tractor pull after they yanked the show fer “Heidi”, ya might be a redneck.

 

Big shout-out to Donna Bouquet(boo-KAY) of Fern Creek, Kentucky. Donna gets up EARLY to go to work at the Fern Creek Kroger and she keeps the store running with her hard work and determination. She is great to talk to and I have learned a ton from her. She is also very close to her family and they look out for each other, especially in times of need. She contributes mightily to America’s welfare and represents what America is all about. She just flat-out gets it done either at work or at home as typified by her beautiful house and well-manicured lawn. Keep on going, Donna. America needs you. You’ve earned my respect.

 

“Will Marty escape the mongoose??????? Will the mongoose grab a hold of Marty’s family jewels?????? Find out in a moment for the exciting conclusion!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“Are you planning a big Christmas Eve celebration where everybody will be exchanging presents with everybody right down to the Tonka Train Set and ugly ties but you lost your job because the new guy could figure the stats quicker and cheaper? Hi, I’m Coach Thorp on behalf of the Milford Beverage Warehouse. No, Milford Beverage Warehouse can’t refer you to that 24-hour truck stop for a job as a dishwasher nor give you any references in that regard but, boy o boy, they have a great deal for you. The $100 Fill-up Deal will get you a cover letter in record time. You will get a steel drum filled with all kinds of wines of your choice for that discriminating alcoholic in your family plus Lowenbrau and Michelob 24-packs for the slushees watching the NBA at Christmas; they may not know the score at the end of the game or even care, but with golden elixirs such as these and even a free case of Bud when you tell ’em that you heard Uncle Gil on the radio talking about the Warehouse, you won’t go wrong. And don’t forget the party snacks, that’s right, the Warehouse made sure to cram them suckers and wedge the Milford Vending Beer Nuts and Milford Vending Cashews, not to mention Charles Chips, between the 28 Pink Truck Wines and pina coladas. And what’s chips and peanuts plus Bolthouse Farms Baby Carrots and Milford Farms Celery Pieces without some dip? C’mon, admit it, you dip plenty of Charles Chips Barbecue Chips in the Milford Dairy Spinach Dip and Milford Dairy Cinnamon Cream Cheese. And how could I forget the bagels? The Warehouse put the star on the Christmas tree in short order. Silly me. Hey, sounds like you’re gonna have a party without Milford Finance sending a tow truck in your driveway to repossess your car. By the way, you can return your steel drum to The Warehouse and get a rebate good for a purchase of Drewry’s Dark. With all these incentives, why go anywhere else? C’mon what does the Milford Wal-Mart liquor department have to offer besides Sam’s Choice Malt Liquor? I’ll bet they don’t even need a crowbar to cram  Great Value Cheese Puffs into their shopping cart. Nope, the Warehouse Fill-Up Deal is non-pareil. Why, I saw Rob Walton sneak in the emergency door to check out the haps. you’re not fooling me, Bud and Sam.

Come to Milford Beverage Warehouse, your headquarters for Christmas party shopping. Yes, at The Warehouse, just because you have to tighten your belt doesn’t mean ya gotta put a leash on The Good Life. Heck, the only time you’ll say you can’t load the drum in the bed of the truck is when you’ll tell the loading crew at The Warehouse you’ll hoist it yourself. Hey, at The Warehouse, have it your way.

 

Gang, have it your way. I think affairs are already getting staid if there are no nets, backboards, basketball racks, scoreboard, popcorn machine. Hell, at least draw a free throw line so I know this isn’t a hockey rink. Yup, just some friends in their basketball uniforms that are sneaky resemblances to gym clothes gathering around to talk about the New York Rangers. Happens all the time.

 

JODYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! JODY DAVIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! CATCHER WITHOUT A FEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Harry, I think the Senility Meter broke the mercury out of the tube. The baseball plot was two sports ago.”

Sorry, Robmize, one last Cubbie joke before next year(ha).

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December 4, 2018

Fist Bumps At The IMAX, Anyone?

Filed under: Coach Kaz, freak hands, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 5:09 pm

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Everybody’s high-fivin’ and singing at the top of their lungs, Queen’s “We Are The Champions”. They were previously foot-stompin’ Queen’s prelude “We Will Rock You”. Yes, the blood, sweat, and tears that one must expend to ensure victory at the Milford Bijou…wait a minute, did you think I was talking about Milford’s games with Tilden and Valley? Sure, they haven’t played them yet, but I’m like Zig Ziglar and his “See You at the Top” positive-thinking literature, you gotta see the reaching. And I’m seeing it now as the football players have reached Nirvana after another successful night at the theater, the movie being sold out. Victory is assured and in this case is already in the bag. Yeah, yeah, it wasn’t an Academy Award production, “Gil’s Football Plot Gets Buried Alive at Macchu Pichu on The Planet of the Apes”, but the Milford Nature Center was closed(unless you’ve been to Milford Community College and taken “Nocturnal Hiking 202”, taught by Marjie Ducey) and the football players were too old for the playground plus the team drew a bye for the week due to Plot Constipation and they had to go SOMEWHERE. Plus, doesn’t Kaz look macho in an ape outfit, fighting Aldo for who’s going to be running the  freshman football team until they dig out Coach Shaw out of the ruins?

 

“I will go to Caesar and he will decide who’s fit to coach!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

If ya plow yore 4-wheel drive thru tha gate at the Milford IMAX Drive-In Theater cuz they’z handin’ out free Buds and Mick-ee-Lobes and ya want a front row spot cuz ya heard “Dukes of Hazzard: The Movie” wuz playin’ and yore dyin’ ta see Boss Hogg bendin’ over ta give a ticket and his crack bein’ displayed in 3-D and in Panaromic 360 Wide Screen, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Coach Kaz, AGAIN, a pop quiz (or surprise quiz as you like to call it, the other 99.9999999% of the teachers whoever existed call it a POP QUIZ) is one you’re NOT EXPECTING. Okay, if you can’t stand to catch them off-guard because your Billy Graham-inspired sermon you listened to compelled you to warn them (“Why send a poor defenseless student to perdition if they weren’t warned to memorize The Bill of Rights? Remember, your World Geography students perish for lack of knowledge.”) , fine by me. But tell them a quiz is coming and leave it at that. We’re having enough trouble sorting through the ashes that is this plot without having to experience the same semantical miasma the students must be facing. You can’t pop the question if the other person is expecting it. Sure, when Gil popped the question to Mimi, I’m sure she had a rough idea what he was going to ask. Still, Gil could have asked “Mimi, do you know if the Milford Garbage truck schedule has been changed? I have a whole lot of bags of aluminum cans in the basement to get rid of.” Rest my case.

 

A HUGE shout-out to Bridgett Fowler of Louisville, Kentucky for all her services as a manager at Family Dollar for many years. She gave great customer service and motivated her employees to do the same and the store kicked some booty as a result. She endured a couple of robberies, not to mention shoplifters(many of whom were caught and sent to Justice) and came out ahead. She is now raising her grandchild and doing a great job with that. He is going to school and doing VERY well. She has a lot to do with that. She’s earned a salute from me, gang. God Bless You, Bridgett.

 

 

Don’t look now, but Benita Butrell is headin’ to Milford. She’s in the teacher’s lounge at MHS.

“Did you know I saw Gil messin’ around with Ms. Rizk up in the Journalism room? He waits in the art supply room until Daffy Duck gets her assignment to Beirut or Djakarta or wherever and then he makes his move. Oh, the grunts that woman gives out. Sounds like Elsie the Cow in heat. Now I know why Elsie looks so happy on the Borden milk carton. But I’m not one to gossip so you didn’t hear it from me.”

Sorry, gang, just taking Kaz’s statement in P1 and using “In Living Color” sketches to run with it. I LOVE Keenan Ivory Wayans’ humor and found a place to express my love. Expect more of the same in the future.

 

Oooooooooooookkkkkkkk, gang, Gene Rayburn is steppin’ to the plate for another Match Game 2018 question. Here we goooooooo, take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooo dumb (Brett Somers leads the crowd as conductor HOW DUMB WAS SHE?????????) , she thought the football plot was going to end before_______________”

 

And talk about a puzzle wrapped up in an enigma. And I thought I have seen it all in my millions of years following Coach T. What is P3 supposed to convey?????? That Thorpiverse knows how to draw like Frida Kahlo, using paint-by-numbers???????

You old-times remember the inaugural Night Gallery that had in its repertoire a Steven Spielberg episode called “Eyes”, about a rich baroness in the heart of New York City who is blind and desperately wants sight? Mr. Spielberg arguably started his success there after successfully directing Joan Crawford who reputedly could be difficult to direct. Anyway, there was another episode in the trilogy (the 3rd called “The Cemetery” with Roddy McDowell and Ossie Davis) called “The Escape Route” which was about an ex-Nazi hiding out in, I believe, Argentina, trying to avoid his Jewish captors. He frequents this art museum and spots this painting of this fisherman in a boat on a lake with beautiful mountains and scenery in the background. What’s scary is the fisherman bears an eerie resemblance to Josef Strobe (YO-sef STRO-buh, played by Richard Kiley) , the ex-Nazi’s name.

He tries day after day to will himself into the picture to get away from his pursuers, one night desperately begging to be a part of the landscape and actually succeeds. One problem. The painting was on loan so he winds up in this picture of someone getting crucified, the art officials investigating, since Strobe entered the museum after hours, hearing a soft scream of terror. They turn around where they think it is coming from and of course see Strobe in his horrible condition, trapped in a painting he will endure perhaps forever.

Why don’t we put Coach Kaz in that same painting since there’s no caption in P3 anyway? Why waste paper on an 8 x 10 in matte finish and leave it that when we can put some life into a dead fish? Staring at the cue light looking stupid? Hang on the cross, Kaz. Let’s FINALLY get some excitement if we’re gonna drag this plot in the Iditarod Race. Might take all the sled dogs in Alaska to pull this one through The Last Frontier.

 

“Please, Gil, GET ME IN THAT PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!”

“Kaz, I promise, we’re gonna do a retake of the 2014 team. I remember when you were on vacation in Papua New Guinea.”

 

 

Another HUGE shout-out to Carla Grant and her son, DeAndre and Anna Wooldridge.

Carla has raised DeAndre to be a healthy adult and did so with a vengeance. She has spent a lot of time with him and though DeAndre is confined to a wheelchair, Carla has expected people to treat him no better or worse than anyone else. They go shopping together, they do all kinds of activities together, they travel together, and I commend Carla for taking the time to make DeAndre a responsible person. Her strong faith In God inspired me among the many things I learned from her that day. I hope to see her again and learn some more. God Bless You, Carla and DeAndre.

Then Anna, you have decided to get busy living after you were in the hospital for a while and have decided to go back to work. You could have taken disability and been content but Wal-Mart is your official work station because you know God isn’t done with you yet. You have inspired me to Do The Right Thing by never giving up. And it’s paid off. You make America run, My Friend. Without you, the labor pool is a lot less. May God Bless You.

 

 

“We’re here in the Milford Nature Area where Marty Moon and Peaches have agreed to stay 21 days, butt naked, out in the wild. We will closely monitor the two as they come to grips with the wilds. They are venturing into the unknown that only people captured in flying saucers could witness and relate in the Milford Enquirer. Time will tell if they can survive the jungles of the MNA. Tarzan is not here to help them. God help them.”

This portion of the program has been brought to you by

Milford Beverage Warehouse. Stock up on your favorite liquors with Christmas coming around the corner. We have plenty to pass around with all your relatives coming into town. And for all your tee-totalers, we now have Dasani Bottled Water in aisle 12 in 12-packs, next to Dewars Scotch Label. Hey, everybody can have a good time and not worry about the egg nog getting spiked. And now accepting EBT cards. Welfare and food stamp recipients can experience The Good Life at Christmas also. Milford Beverage Warehouse, where alcohol is Grade A.”

And by

Milford Men’s Clinic. Where our charges are cheap but effective and require no battery cables. Nice to get up and go, especially in bed. Wives seem to think so. Come see why.

Day 1

“Marty and Peaches both undress at the trailhead of the Dutch Elm Tree Trail. Named after a gigantic elm tree that got devoured  by termites after SEVERAL people had carved their initials on the tree, there is a marker there to commemorate the specimen(“James Watt Memorial Sapling”).

Both are ready to take the wild. Marty has just taken his last Breath-Mint(doesn’t want to offend the wildebeests) and is ready for action. Peaches is nervous but still reasonably confident. The brontosauruses are reported to be munching on vegetation on the other side of the nature area and should pose no threat.

Marty and Peaches part company. They will be allowed to reunite after 10 days but for now they pursue different legs of the trail. As part of the agreement, they must spend at least 2 hours each day off the trails to intensify their contact with the elements unknown.

They are allowed 1 backpack with food taking up no more than 1/2 the space. A water bottle is allowed but can only be used to drink from the streams, ponds, lakes, etc. in the nature area. A flashlight is also allowed with an extra change of batteries but THAT IS IT. If the batteries fail, tough luck. Good thing Marty brought his Harbor Freight Tools pocket flashlight that he got at a yard sale which he uses when he’s having trouble reading the copy in the press box.”

Day 3

“Marty spots an alligator. He has run off the beaten path and this is the result. He eats his Nature’s Finest of Milford Granola Bar Blueberry in nervousness. Fortunately, the alligator, as is their wont, is lazy and can find better humans to chew on. Marty’s snake meat status arouses no interest in the gator. Marty will survive the swamp and run to safety by the old abandoned railroad track that the Milford & Oakwood Express operated during the Hoover years. He will sit on one of the railroad ties and devour another one of his 236 granola bars he has crammed  in his backpack, wedged in with his Mott’s Apple Juice Reduced Fat, satisfied that the gator will be chowing on an injured Mudlark that lost its way.

Peaches, meanwhile, is in a little cubby hole, a forest glen, if you will. She can see the moon beams spray down upon her, tempted to get a tan. Hey, the Coppertone ad may have shown Spot pulling on some poor little girl’s bikini and exposing her butt, BUT Peaches needs no dog out here to display her birthday suit. Besides, I think Alvin & the Chipmunks helper her undress before they ran back in the woods to escape the lions and the leopards. Can’t be too careful. Shame she forgot the lotion. She gets out her Pillsbury Brown ‘n’ Serve rolls that she is baking over a camp fire. She snuck the Black Diamond matches past the Nature security guard. She forgot the Blue Bonnet butter(left it in the front seat where it will melt on her Milford Mutual checkbook) and is forced to seek desperate measures. She milks a raccoon and instantaneously spreads the faux-Chiffon on her rolls. What a way to say it’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.”

 

“Christmas is right around the corner and before you know it, you’ll be caught off guard on December 25 with Christmas Dinner full of chicken n’ dumplings, turkey, plum pudding, Waldorf salad, roast beast, Yorkshire hams, green beans, apple cobbler, pumpkin pie, chocolate pie, fruit cake, plenty of dinner rolls but no beer.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. When Mimi and I forgot to stock the cellar with alcoholic beverages one year, we practically had to call out the Milford National Guard to stem the riot. Fortunately, they had some beer, wine, and a few bottles of Jack behind the seats of their Humvees that they generously donated so that they could go back to the armory and celebrate once again. We dodged a bullet, pardon the pun. But it doesn’t have to be this way. At Milford Beverage Warehouse, they have a wide selection of Beer, ranging from Budweiser to Blatz to Lowenbrau to Gerst. There are so many more to name so you’ll have to check them out and avert your own disaster. Plus plenty of wine, especially from right here in our neck of the woods, Milford Valley. Golly gee, my lips just smack on Milford Valley  Prune Surprise and does it give me a run for my money. It’s Christmas and I’m not gonna let gastrointestinal infections rule the day. Plus plenty of Milford Vending Beer Nuts in case you run out of Planters in the appetizer bowl. And if you buy $100 worth of merchandise, you’ll receive a free gift card from Budweiser good for $25 on your next outing and it even has Spuds McKenzie designed on the card. Some things never get old.  Come surprise yourself and see what Milford Beverage Warehouse has to offer. Now accepting EBT cards. Marty won’t have to worry whether his ATM card will max out. He can enjoy The Good Life and still be a snake. You can too and you’re not a snake. You won’t be disappointed.”

Day 7

“Peaches concocts some Hot Cream o’ Wheat she crammed up her butt, the packets a bit uncomfortable when the mosquitos are buzzing. She couldn’t fit ’em in here backpack because of all her Avon products.

 

Marty has learned not to apply Skin Bracer (I can hear the crickets chirping “Byyyyyy Mennen”) in the outdoors. He is besieged by a fraternity of horseflies while he is foraging for water. He is maniacally swatting them with his Mr. Coffee Courtesy Cup he received by FedEx when he bought 10,000 Mr. Coffee filters. Some people will walk a mile for a Camel. Anyway, the horseflies spot a deer carcass and pursue henceforth.”

 

To be continued

 

Gang, comment away. I am going to try to deprogram Gil. After hearing the 23rd Milford Men’s Clinic commercial while listening to WDIG Sports Talk Radio (“Moon in the Morning”) , Gil is in a trance.

Mimi is ready for the Romantic Moment on the verandah

“Gil, I love you. How long have we been married? 33 years? How long had we been seeing each other? Since Nixon’s 1st term in office? Or was it LBJ, give or take Alf Landon?”

HAAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEE KRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIISSSSHHHHHHNNNNNAAAAAAAA,

HAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE KKKRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIISSSSSHHHHHHNNNNNAAAAAA, HAAAAAAA…

 

“Y’know, I saw Joe Bolek in the film room beatin’ off on the IMAX screen. he was really feelin’ ecstasy, especially after he was gettin’ his jollies off those nude photos of Daffy Duck and Dr. Pearl. But I ain’t one to gossip, so ya didn’t hear it from me.”

 

Love ya, Benita.

 

 

My Sweet Lord

Vishnu Lama

My Sweet Lord

Shiva Dharma

 

Kaz walks into Gil’s office

“Gil, have you been listening to Marty again? I turned it off after what he said about Coach Shaw’s wife’s lack of athleticism.”

December 1, 2018

Rammer Jammer, Gil Can Yammer

gt12012018

Tonight on WDIG

Listen for Marty Moon’s call:

“Injury report:

 

Jansen, Ruffin have

Hyperextended right legs,

Will miss finale”

 

Uniforms are red

Just like the herring: Tiki’s

“Slow sister” problem 

 

Did Rubin forget?

Why even mention her?

Bullies the problem

 

Speaking of bullies:

Why for the love of Pete would

Jansen go back there?

 

New Thayer, where

The bullies go scot free while

Victim has to leave

 

Maybe New Thayer

Is better for special needs

We will never know

 

And what of Bolek?

Thought he’d help analyze film

Team might get better

 

Maybe film useless

When all the coach can do is

Make the kids run laps

 

We can all agree

Plot was stupider than hell

Let’s go shoot some hoops

November 30, 2018

Will the artist who drew Panel 3 please stand up?

So we hit the reset button on football on…. November 30. Tomorrow is December first. They havent played a game since.. November 16, 2 weeks ago. In that time frame my state played the semifinals and finals of the playoffs and is DONE!! DONE! And these guys are not only wearing their game unis to practice (again!!) they have their helmets on the ground next to them while they stretch. Nobody does that. When your on the field you wear your helmet, and on the sidelines you take it off.

So the dudes from New Thayer decided to call a truce after that scene? Ha. Methinks its just a cover for a sneak attack in the future.

Now— what the hell is with Panel 3?? We have the 10-yard line FIVE YARDS FROM THE GOAL LINE!!! And the end zone looks really skinny, with MILFORD literally taking up the WHOLE DAMN SPACE!!

Holy crap. I mean, how many damn years has this strip been getting drawn, and the clown in charge of drawing it, knowing its a  SPORTS strip, doesnt even draw the field correctly?? How hard is it to draw a football field?? If I was this dudes art teacher, years ago, in high school, and this dude went to my school where my football field was on the damn campus to look at EVERY SINGLE FUCKIN DAY FOR 4 FUCKIN YEARS and he drew this panel in my class, I would not only immediately flunk him, I would force him to eat the paper on which he drew this field, then shove him down the nearest toilet and push the FLUSH lever, and THEN, I would stick my head in a microwave and turn it on high.

Only then would I feel the least bit better.

Nothing further your honor.

November 29, 2018

Siskel And Ebert Gave This A Thumbs-Down

Filed under: ?, Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 5:37 pm

112918

And we know something else. Tiki has been using a liberal supply of Oxy-5 and a ton of sandpaper for his Mt. Rushmore face if P2 is any indication. And speaking of smiling for the camera as Robmize mentioned in his post the other day, gadzooks, Tiki is flashin’ them pearly whites for all the world to see. I suppose when you and Encyclopedia
Brown have solved The Case of the Malodorous Thugs, you deserve to show the world you used Colgate and Turtle Wax. His teeth are glossier than a Classic ‘vette at the Milford Car Show held in the Wendy’s parking lot behind Milford Beverage Warehouse.

 

“If Bugs Meany and that ignorant Joe Schmuck with the black cap had been telling the truth, this plot would have ended weeks ago. Plus Schmuck claimed he had Gil’s hair which gave him an excuse to kick the shit out of Tiki as there really wasn’t any other reason valid enough to keep the readers stimulated. Schmuck was obviously grasping at straws and when Encyclopedia noticed that Schmuck indicated reputed grasping by grabbing his crotch in desperation(plus he really had to take a whiz somewhere and had to really go bad, preferably by the time the answer section in the back of Encyclopedia Brown reader had made its point) and also that if Schmuck had Gil’s hair, his cap would have expanded like Jiffy-Pop and popcorn would have been scattering all over the ground. Trapped in their own lies, Bugs confessed that the plot wasn’t worth the bucket of spit someone hockers into an ash tray in the smoking section at The Bucket and that he brought Joe Schmuck along hoping to bring some excitement to this dead horse. Bugs realized that The Joker and his gang or some sorry-ass version of The Crips and The Bloods really wasn’t going to spike readership interest, evidently what Bugs was driving at since he really couldn’t whup Sally Kimball and repeated attempts at the effort, including dumping a cement loader of Morton Salt in her swimming pool, pouring distilled water into the Chemlawn formula to make the lawn a bad excuse for primary colors, setting a time bomb in her dad’s riding mower, nuking her basement and ruining the family photo albums had all failed so Bugs got desperate. Joe Schmuck disapperaed and will never be seen again, Gil’s hair was returned to Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Museum, and the gang of unknowns went over to Gasoline Alley as extras, background people when Walt and Skeezix are at Corky’s Diner discussing how bad this plot got with no relief in sight.”

 

 

A shout-out to Craig Holt of Louisville, Kentucky. Craig goes to work every day enthusiastically and never slows up at the end of the day. His work ethic is excellent and they speak highly of him up in the front office and among his co-workers. If you’re down and depressed, you won’t be for long when you’re around him. He always makes my day. He will for you too. He is always there to help a person in need for even the smallest thing. Compassion, intelligence, solid worker. You got the ingredients, My Man. And my respect. God Bless You.

 

We’re done with this plot

And the aborted free-for-all

Idiot’s not playing

Any frickin’ football

 

That’s a drag

Hit a snag

 

I remember Days of Gil

Back in ’74

The pigskin days

Were obsessed with the score

 

Not any more

What a bore

 

Can’t they shift the Jets ‘n’ Sharks

Over to Wizard of Id

Arlo & Janis

or even Rose is Roooooossssseeeeee

God forbid

 

I’ve had enouggghhhhhhh

All the young fools(Hey fools)

Carry the news(Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you)

Bun-gle-ing boobs(Get on with basketball, forChristsake)

Carry the news(And,Tiki, take off that yarmulke, you’re being reinstated, not at a Bar Mitzvah)

 

A conversation between Dr. Pearl and Gil Thorp

“Now I must go and get on Gil”

Get your mind out of the gutter, gang. If you’d been reading “Eats, Shoots & Leaves” by Lynne Truss, you’d have known that Dr. Pearl has a husband and has no interest in Coach Thorp. Mimi is saved for yet another night.

Here’s the corrected version

“Now I must go and get on, Gil.”

Nope, this sexual tryst was not to be, arousing controversy for a plot badly in need of one, if only for the readers’ interest, let alone sanity. Instead, Dr. Pearl and Gil could prattle on about the 1908 Cubs but Dr. Pearl’s Ladies Night Out at the Milford Bingo Hall with her husband can’t wait. Leave the light on in the hallway when you leave Gil, er, leave, Gil.

BTW, “Eats, Shoots & Leaves” is DEFINITE required reading for you aspiring writers. VERY indispensible. Don’t start your literary career without it.

“Mimi has pimples on her butt; she uses dental floss to scrape The Bucket Liver Cheeseburger bits out of her teeth.”

Again, she doesn’t have tattoos on her derriere either as Gil insists. Well, I haven’t seen her at the Milford Tattoos and More parlor recently, so I believe her.

Anyhoo, the corrected version

“Mimi has pimples on her. But she uses dental floss to scrape The Bucket Liver Cheeseburger bits out of her teeth.”

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, P1 is just absolutely, positively ridiculous. Hello, Joe and Tiki, this is a sports comic strip, not Siskel and Ebert.

“I thought Gil, with that smile in P3, reminded me of that flunkee that followed around Napoleon when he was pursuing Bugs Bunny all over Versailles. It added texture to the plot.”

“I disagree, Gene. Gil’s too flat and Kaz isn’t helping, spending more time playing Atari with Gil than conceiving of any real football action.”

“Roger, I’ll give you that this plot is an abysmal failure and should be shot at dawn along with Czar Nicholas in Novosibirsk somewhere but there are brownie points you haven’t taken into consideration. Kaz is simply trying to solidify his relationship by guiding Gil with the joystick when negotiating one of those worthless race cars on Al Unser’s Fantasy Racing at the Indy 500.”

“Well, if he is, He and his brother Bobby ought to start their own hobby shop because Kaz is not a factor and his worth to the plot reminds me of those plastic fish heads the dancers were wearing in ‘Godzilla versus The Smog Monster’.”

“You drive a mean bargain but unfortunately a rebuttal is not to be as our time is just about up. Both Roger and I gave ‘Gil Versus The Rug Rats Disguised As A Harley Motorcycle Gang’ a Thumbs Down. That’s all the time we have. We’ll see you next week at the movies.”

 

You done ruined the season

With movies and Tiki

I hope you’re happy

Cuz that’s pretty cheeky

 

Have you no shame

There’s no game

 

Gil and Kaz are in the room

Gettin’ down on Rolling Stones

They can’t get enough

Of Elvis clones

 

Get a life

Sez your wife

 

Dr. Pearl is bound to show up

Any old time

Wondering why

You’re not on classroom time

Teaching Lifetime Frisbee

Underwater Phys Ed

or Advanced Spelunkinnnngggggggggggg

 

I’m just about to barf

All the young fools(Yeah, YOU, fools)

Carry the news(What’re you doing at Blockbuster Video?)

Bun-gle-ing Boobs(Couldn’t whup those bullies that pick on Bart Simpson?-and Joe’s the Second Coming of the VideoHound)

Got the wrong tools(And this plot is a WOOF!!!!!!!!)

 

Gil said “Kaz, you’re a real pussy. My great-grandmother Thorp could have fought those losers.”

Now if you’ve been doing the required reading of “Eats, Shoots & Leaves”, like I assigned in class, gang, you’d KNOW that this isn’t correct. Gil doesn’t own a cat.

Gil exclaimed “Kaz, your Siamese is a real pussy. BTW, my great grand piano owned by my mother got frothed in the car wash by those hosers.”

 

And do I have to beat this in the ground? I mean, c’mon, those smiles are just beggin’ for Looney Tune satire as long as we’re going to stomach another episode of “Gil Thorp, P.I.”.

“Kaz, did you get the photo of that one gang member who photo was seen in all the post offices all over Milford?”

“Ummmmmmmmmm…”

“Well, did you, yes or no?”

“No, I lost them when I tripped and fell and they got wedged in the piano keys, the same one that went down the chute at the car wash.”

This is Looney Tunes, keep in mind. Gil is a guest star(permanent, when you think about it).

Gil is boiling mad and gets his 16-foot rifle w/saber and tells Kaz to bend over out by the flagpole out front.

“I hate this.”

STAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-woo-hoo-hoo…

Dr. Pearl, on the second floor in a staff meeting with the Foreign Language Department looks out the window and is wondering why Coach Kaz is jumping 85 feet in the air.

Well, at least Tiki escaped.

 

The Stepford Wives invade Milford

“I need you to run the clock the rest of the season. You all play a shit-ass 5-game schedule anyway. Coach Luhm can take over.”

“Oh, Gil, I will follow your football and basketball teams from Samaria to Judea unto the ends of the earth. Your coaching is the end-all and I was just baby-sitting. Who’s going to be Luhm’s asistant?”

“Daffy Duck.”

“I can think of no better choice. When she’s not vegetating in Ms. Rizk’s room, digging up stories fit for Better Homes & Gardens, she’s feisty, she’s fair, and, by God, she’s Milford Incarnate.”

“Fine. You know where there’s an outlet to plug the timer?”

“Oh, thou art Atman, Gil. It is situated next to the drinking fountain.”

 

Mrs. Andrews, one evening at home.

“Do you want Splenda or sugar in your coff-”

“Do you want Splenda or sugar in your coff-”

“Do you want Splenda or sugar in your coff-”

 

“Gil, this is Tod. What was the number of Milford Robotics?”

 

“…and that’ll wrap things up here in Blooming’s Ton, where the Hosers defeat the De La Warre Blue Hens in the Hoser Holly-Day Classic by a score of 90:52. For Max Skirvin, this is Don Fischer, so long everybody.”

Okay, gang, a few more spelling errors but the song remains the same.

READ THE DAMN BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to Dustin Howard, of Louisville, Kentucky, for his help with this idea. Dustin is a good man and has a nifty sense of humor. It DEFINITELY helped here.

 

All right, gang. You know the drill. BTW, I can’t wait for the sequel to Tiki: The Lost Generation. Ahhhhhhhh, think I’d rather switch to basketball.

 

Football is over

In all of the states

High schools are switching sports

At a phenomenal rate

 

Oh, not Gil

Never will

 

Someday Gil will learn

This is not Leonard Maltin

This is just a lukewarm version

Of John-Boy Walton

 

Act your age

Leave the stage

 

Someone’s got me glued

To this merry-go-round

Can’t I get off and ride the

Wild Mouse

The Ferris Wheel

I’ll even settle for the kiddie bumper carrrrsssssssss

 

All the young fools(If the cleat fits, wear it)

Carry the news(That the name of Gil is proclaimed and he coaches actors, not players)

Bum-ble-ing boobs(They really can’t even act either, better go back to touch football)

You have no clue(Did Tank McNamara ever report sports news for Entertainment Weekly?)

 

All the young fools(ALL THE YOUNG FOOLS)

Carry the news(TAKE THIS NEWS TO THE DUMPSTER)

Bum-ble-ing boobs(PLAYING MONOPOLY AND TRYING TO FIGURE HOW TO PAY THE PARK PLACE BILL IS MORE EXCITING THAN THIS)

Your screws are all loose(PLEASE, PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU, GO TO MILFORD TRUE-VALUE HARDWARE AND TIGHTEN THEM)

 

All the young fools…

November 28, 2018

Less Thinking, More Action!

gt11282018

At Joe Bolek’s house –

“Okay guys, here comes the world

Premiere!” Almost haiku

 

Speaking of the world:

In Milford, five guys is not

A chain burger joint

 

Bolek’s screening room

Should rotate ninety degrees

Screen too close to seats

 

Shape shifting Bolek

Man of a thousand faces

Today looks like Biden

 

Give Joe some credit:

He knows YouTube watchers have

Short attention spans

 

But Tiki gets it

The footage needs to be raw

Like those punks’ knuckles

 

Clark kept shooting to

Erase pain of Milford life

Oh, wait, just video

 

Who else missing point?

Rubin. This is a sports strip

Not Scooby-Doo

 

It’s meddling you want?

Try to replace Karen Moy

Write for Mary Worth

November 27, 2018

“Raid At Entebbe” This Is Not

Filed under: ?, freak hands, Milford Idiots, What the hell is going on here? — tdrewhardin @ 1:23 pm

112718

Gang, as our other TWIM writers and contributors have mentioned, this is getting damn silly.

I am watching “The A Team” one random night where Martians land and capture the President’s daughter demanding $100,000,000,000,000,000,000 in ransom to finance their own Cape Canaveral so that they can get another $100,000,000,000,000,000,000 to finance another space station for some creep like Ernst Stavro Blofeld or Dr. Goodhead(James Bond taking a much-needed vacation), etc., and the A Team swears that “surrender” is not in their vocabulary. You’re all psyched up, knowing they’re going to kick some Martian hind end, after the commercial break on Jif and Cadillac Seville of course, and after you hear “This is WDIG-TV”, you FINALLY know that Mr.T is going to do a number on some Martian’s head.

Well, if the show started at 7:00PM and it’s 7:53 and ALL the commercials have been run through(How many ways can you advertise Lean Cuisine, sheesh), you KNOW we’re due for some ass-kickin’. It might be crammed into 7 minutes but it’s been done before(as “Batman” proves-7 minutes of WHAM!!!!!!!! SOCKO!!!!!!!! KAPOW!!!!!!!!!!! RETCH!!!!!!!!!!!-“Well done, Robin, we’ll be sending The Joker up the river where he belongs-whoopsy, daisy, old chum, our times up, we better make way for ‘The Flintstones'”).

So now as Apollo XLVII lands on Mars and heads to their hide-out, somewhere out where the Loch Ness Monster inhabits a lake, we’re expecting camouflage make-up, Uzi’s grenades, handguns, shotguns(“Shoot a Martian for love now”-I can hear Junior Walker sing), tear gas, Mr. T pumping his fist, waiting to grab a Martian by the hair and apply the Sleeper Hold, AK-47’s, not to mention a Humvee which crams in 12,354 commandos, U.N. Peacekeeping troops included, even John Glenn and Gus Grissom, ambassadors for U.S. Space Travel, chime in with their Winchesters, diplomacy hittin’ the road on this one.

But at 7:57, reality sinks in. Mr. T. has a Nikon, Grissom and Glenn shoot their Polaroid at a Martian and the President’s daughter playing one-on-one basketball on some Martian clay court somewhere, while the rest of the A Team shoot their video recorders for a National Geographic Special in the near future. Geez, look at that Martian with that Ibo tribeswoman, both of them displaying their boobs as typifies many National Geographic articles and pictures. And get a load of that Martian trying to hog-tie that white rhino at the rodeo. Martians are cowboys too, I s’pose. And I didn’t know Martians live in Tipis. Talk about Dances With Wolves.

At 8:00, when “Rhoda” comes on, we are left devoid of any action and go to the Milford Video Connection and rent 10 “Rambo” movies. What happens when your fix has not been satisfied. When we gotta resort to “Rambo Raids Gil’s Refrigerator”, we are desperate.

“Don’t point the camera that way, FOOL!!!!!!!! That’s his butt you’re shootin’!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

Come to Mike Smith Firestone in New Albany, Indiana where you ALWAYS get taken care of and at a fair price. Smack dab in Downtown New Albany, he has always done a great job for me and my dad as we do a lot of traveling in our business and good tires are a premium. Mike always comes through and we can keep our business running thanks to Mike and his staff. His mechanics have always treated us right and many times the problem is fixed the same day. I’m bettin’ other customers can say the same. Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood, check him out. Treat your vehicle to the best. Mike Smith is da Man.

 

Then come up the hill to Mike’s brother at Jeff Smith Marathon in Edwardsville, Indiana. I get all my gas there and they have full-time mechanics ready to fix any problem at any time. What I like is the parking lot is full of vehicles ready to be worked on. THAT’S busy. They’re doing something right. And I am always greeted with a smile by Crystal who gives that same smile to ALL the other customers she meets. Good quality gas, great mechanics, great customer service from people like Crystal, great owner, and pumps that are always busy and I think you have a recipe for success.

Gang, support small businesses like the two I just mentioned. Yes, we all shop at Wal-Mart but you need to go where EVERYBODY knows your name. Mike, Jeff, and Crystal know mine.

 

Now that another episode of “The Rat Patrol” has just about concluded, as evidenced by their whooping it up on their walkie-talkies and Iwo Jima has been nuked to death from a Kodak perspective(Boy, if I were Hirohito and Truman threatened to bomb Hiroshima with a Polaroid One-Step, I’d be in Honolulu with my dignitaries requesting the surrender papers ASAP), I’m still wrapping up the Musical Chairs version of the plot. It hasn’t gotten to “Days of Our Lives” proportions, that’s the consolation prize.

Anyhoo, that’s Tiki, while in Car #2, that’s Joe and Leonard. We don’t think the last name is Bruce since the dude is black but taking no chances here. I’m not gonna get surprised by Joe and Allen Funt.

“Man, that looks like the black dude all grown up from ‘Wee Pals’.”

Smiiiilllllleeeeeee, you’re on ‘Candid Camera’ as Allen triumphantly proclaims

“Nope, T. Drew, that’s Bootsy Collins driving the mini-van. You didn’t notice his funky heels?????????”

 

Shout-out to Kristi Sykes and Tyler, of Louisville, Kentucky, for their take on living. Kristi has served on numerous boards to make Our Fair City a better place to live. Gotta hand it to ya, Kristi, you stuck your neck on the line to improve the living conditions of the things around us. Thank you for putting in the long hours it takes to make the decisions necessary to make things a go. and you’re teaching Tyler the same thing. Sure, it’s okay to sacrifice, Tyler. You always come out ahead that way. Treat Kristi with respect, gang. She’s earned it.

 

Because I’m really trying to figure pout what a Bioesthetic Dentist does as per a sign I saw last week

“Gil, my goodness, your teeth look great!!!!!!!!! White and shiny!!!!!!!! I could see them sparkle while you were doing morning duty in the parking lot while I was pulling in.”

“Gee, thanks. I just wanted to be At My Most Beautiful. It just wasn’t enough to use Colgate or Crest. So I went Milford Bioesthetic Dentistry Practitioners, Inc., to get the whole package, teeth that complement your visage. My bioesthetist offered to perform a nose job, I still had insurance money left, but I said ‘no. thank you’, I think I still look like Robert Redford without the Poly-Grip.”

“Well, Gil, I hate to break it to you but I think your bioesthetist did the wrong procedure. You look like Flipper.”

Gil, banging his spout

“I KNEW he used the wrong anasthesia!!!!!!!!!!”

A shout-out to Josiah Rousseau-Taylor and his mom, Amanda Rousseau, of Louisville, Kentucky. Both of them have plenty of get-up-and go and they proved that getting out and about today. It is easy to sit at home and hope the world comes to you but These two people live life the way it should be lived. Whether a trip to the hospital or to go shopping, they are always doing something to make the world a better place. And they both do it with a smile on their faces. Salute them, gang, they deserve the support.

 

Watching “To Tell The Truth” one night at 1:00AM on WDIG when the station ran out of “Murder, She Wrote” episodes.

 

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hi, I’m Garry Moore and welcome to ‘To Tell The Truth’. Today we are about to uncover the personality of some dipwad of a coach. He says he coaches at Milford High School though he declined to say in which state the high school or the town, for that matter, is located. THAT should be a challenge to our panel of judges, speaking of which, are anticipating The Moment even as I speak. Let’s say ‘Hello’ to our celebrity judges, none of whom are making any movies or TV shows nor competing for the stage with Frankie in Vegas, Jack Carter, Nanette Fabray, and Louis Nye.

Applause, Applause

“Now let’s meet our 3 contestants. one of whom is telling the truth.”

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

 

Johnny Olson, normally not on the show, Don Pardo called in, reads the roll

“#1, what is your name?”

“My name is Gil Thorp.”

“#2, what is your name?”

“My name is Gil Thorp.”

“#3, what is your name?”

“My name is Gil Thorp.”

 

“OK, Gentlemen, if you’ll have a seat, we can commence with the questioning.”

Jack commences

“#1, I noticed you’re Black and I swear, you look like James Brown. Can you honestly say with a straight face that you are Gil Thorp and that you commanded the respect of primarily white kids? I’ve read the strip, y’know. Those threads are straight out of ‘Living in America’. You’ve worn that on a rainy night when you got your ass handed to you by New Thayer?”

“Mr. Carter, I assure you, I was there the night we got an ass-whuppin’ from the team you mentioned. Contrary to what you say, I wore my Speedo sweat suit and matching Florsheim loafers. I even quoted from ‘Our Daily Bread’ after the game for inspiration. I’ll admit I read from the wrong date, I read the sermonette on ‘Gossip’, but the kids were quick to correct the error and hand me the intended rain-soaked page. It talked about how David might have gotten squashed by Goliath nut there was always the Playdowns. David was going to slay his 10,000’s in the Post-season.”

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAH

“Folks, that means we have to take a commercial break. We’ll be back after these messages. Stay with us.”

 

“If you’ve been defaced as a result of bad dental practices, get 3 times the money at Sharkey Law Offices. Why settle for your mom’s allowance  money after a malpractice suit on a tooth pull when you can THINK BIG!!!!!!!!!”

“I knew we shouldn’t have used the dental lathe as a pulley to pull my my rear molar out of its socket. I got tangled in the machine and I couldn’t appear on ‘To Tell The Truth’ to convince the audience I was Gil Thorp. No, my cheekbones were shattered and I looked like The Fly, minus a molar. Thank God, The Shark got me 3 times the money the Milford Public Defender could only conceive in his dreams. I may have trouble cashing the check, matching my face with my photo ID on my driver’s license takes some doing, but my kids can vouch for me at the Milford IGA. I give ’em a Snickers for helping me.”

“You heard right. Get 3 times the money!!!!!!! No need to pay needless expenses at the Milford Quik-ee Mart on lottery tickets; You have a winning ticket without having to stand in line. Or drink their day-old Colombian-blend coffee. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS and get justly compensated.”

 

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

 

“Welcome back. Nanette, it’s your turn.”

“#3, how long have you been coaching at Milford?”

“For the last 60 years, give or take a decade. It’s kinda fuzzy because the brainwashing I experienced in the Korean War did a number on my memory.”

Louis Nye at the plate.

“#3, how many champions have you coached during this time?”

“Oh, I’d say quite a few. I coached Moose Mason in the Long Jump and Reggie Mantle in the Shot Put. A real smart-ass but, by golly, could he throw. He about knocked out the Ironwood Ingot coach who BTW was an asshole. That mug would jack up the hurdles at the last second when the judges weren’t looking and Dilton Doiley wound up with ‘Hurdle Nose’ in the 100-Meter Dash. Then Archie Andrews helped us win the Marathon in record fashion. Pulled away from Tod Andrews’ son and the rest of the pack by the mile marker at Logan’s Steakhouse in Oakwood.”

“#3”, Jack Carter brusquely interrupts, “You are aware that you’re talking about Riverdale High?”

“They were on a Foreign-Student Exchange Program with Milford High. I would have wanted to coach Luke Bunkin his sophomore year but Dr. Pearl took it out of my hands. She felt Pop’s Choklit Shoppe would broaden the students’ horizons and help them experience a different culture.”

Nanette Fabray at the plate.

“#2, it’s my understanding that the TWIMers and the reading populace in general say you can’t coach your way out of a friggin’ Bucket Burger bag. What do you think?”

“Listen”, as #2 stands up, climbs over the table and goes after the panel

“When you are left with a bad plot and nominal players, what am I supposed to do? I mean, one of our players spends more time at the cinema, eating tubs of popcorn and Mike and Ike, than he spends on the football field!!!!!!!!”

Two security guards, borrowed from Judge Judy, hold him back

“Then you got this Tiki who comes from Micronesia, Polynesia, Fiji Islands, Lanai, Oahu, Guam, Pitcairn Island. Bikini Atoll, whatever, trying to convince me that he hung around with The Sharks. Well, have you seen Maria yet? Have you??????? I didn’t see her singing ‘I Feel Pretty’ while they were supposedly dating…”

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“And we’ll be back after this” as Garry Moore rewinds the canned chorus to keep the audience from thinking #2 was serious, Bah Bah’ing the machine to death.

 

“I went to my bioesthetic dentist, hoping to look like Brad Pitt or Russell Crowe. I would have even settled for Errol Flynn. Instead, I got the face of King Kong and I still have my abscess. My kid’s birthday luau was ruined. all the kids at the party stayed on the other end of the pool and didn’t want Daddy Kong anywhere near the diving board. Cannonballs were out of the question. Thank God, The Shark got me 3 times the money.”

“Don’t let Bioesthetic Dentistry deprive you of your dignity. If yo go to your office Christmas party looking like Godzilla, dental work included, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. Hard to play kissee-face with the secretaries in this condition. Let The Shark get you back to the Drew Dandey days and get 3 times the money.”

“Now when Blue Oyster Cult plays ‘Godzilla’, I don’t panic. And I no longer creep up to the mirror. Thanks, Shark.”

“Call The Shark today. What have you got to lose except Fay Wray?”

 

Bah

Bah Bah Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“All right, panel, have you reached a decision on the real Gil Thorp? Jack, what do you think?”

“Ahhhhh, I’m having a real problem with #3. I don’t remember Gil with an earring up his nose or a tattoo on his left butt cheek that says ‘The Grim Reaper played nose tackle at Milford and sent ’em flyin’!!!!!!’ as he vividly described in the pre-show ceremony. Thank God he didn’t drop his drawers to prove it(audience light laughter). And it was a toss-up between #1 and #2, but OK, #1, you’ve convinced me. There is a Black Moses in Milford, ready to part the fans on the football field when there’s a riot after the game, after you’ve won, naturally. You can teach good sportsmanship and win too. You’re Gil Thorp.”

“Allllll right, very good. Louie?”

“#2, ya gotta keep your wits on, Buddy, if ya wanna make it in Show Biz. Ya can’t lead an ant farm with that kind of temper. #3, I’m in for ya, Bub. Hell, my mom had a tattoo on her boobs that said ‘Jesus is Lord of my Life’. Ain’t nuthin’ wrong with tattoos, just don’t scratch one on my pate(Audience again lightly laughs). So you are Gil Thorp.”

“Annnnnnnnddddddd Nanette.”

“#1, I didn’t like what you said about playing Hyattsville DeMatha Catholic, Maryland or Oak Hill, Virginia or Univerity Heights, Kentucky. These schools are nowhere near your district in the comic strip and I read the funnies all the time, so I know. When you insisted that Snuffy Smith graduated from New Thayer, I knew you were an impostor.

And #2, your hair is designed in a way only the Bride of Frankenstein could love. I thought you were Herman Munster at first when you introduced yourself but noticed Lily wasn’t in the audience so YOU are Gil Thorp.”

“All right, the votes are in. Here’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Will the REAL Gil Thorp please stand up?”

All three are staring at each other…

“We now resume our regularly scheduled broadcast, already in progress.”

 

“What should we do with these punks?”

“There’s only one thing TO DO. Jeb, fetch the nooses.”

“Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw, the ACLU will be up to our gluteus maximus over this one. And have you ever tried to hang a bunch of teenagers off a swing set?”

“I can’t help it if there’s no trees around. The loggers got a hold of them deformed specimens in the back of Gil’s window after getting the Sierra Club to back off. Plus, it’s my show.”

“What’ll we do with Tiki?”

“Hell, send him over to Smidgens. Husband and wife are harmless. Plus they don’t show no private parts. Tiki’ll keep that thing in his pocket fer sure.”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. Me and the rest of the A Team should be done shooting photos and off the planet by the time you can say

Bah

Bah Bah  Bah

Bah Bah

BAH BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 26, 2018

Could You Describe The Tumult?

Filed under: Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — nedryerson @ 7:21 am

11262018.PNG

Now we see the extent of Joe Bolek’s plan and it was about as nonsensical as we imagined. Sure, they did capture the New Thayer crew of miscreants on film (or video) emerging from the school like the AI bad guys in a video game. They captured the beginnings of Tiki getting roughed up and the bad guys pivoting to attack Joe. The question is: why did they need to do this? To prove to the Milford officials that the threat to Tiki at New Thayer was credible enough for Tiki’s family to be forgiven any corners they may have cut to get him enrolled in Milford? Was that necessary at all?

Here’s another question: Does New Thayer know about this gang who just lingers in front of the school ready to commit acts of violence in broad daylight at the drop of a hat? Maybe New Thayer and other institutions outside of Milford (like those other country clubs we saw this summer) are just amoral places where anything goes in pursuit of personal gain.

Here’s a further question: How stupid was Joe Bolek’s plan. How certain were they that at least one member of the New Thayer crew wouldn’t continue to rough up Tiki when Joe called out Bugs Bunny style, Yoo Hoo! Over here boys? Seems like a large margin for era in keeping somebody from getting their ass kicked. It does look like Clark was operating another camera in case Joe started getting his ass kicked. Yes, we finally know the long haired film geek’s name. It’s Clark. Hi Clark.

Speaking of margins, this narrow escape really plays fast and loose with logic. But of course, we’re using a sort of cinematic logic where you cut away from action and then cut back and it seems that the principles haven’t moved forward at all or even moved backwards. But now I’m starting to feel like Annie Wilkes in Misery. Rubin and Whigham are dirty birds. They cheated! Those miscreants were on top of Joe Bolek before he even picked up the tripod!. Forget it, Annie. It’s Milfordtown.

Oh, and Leonard must be the other film geek. Hi Leonard.

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