This Week in Milford

August 15, 2019

The UPS Driver Will Not Deliver Packages To Tiki’s Cave. Miss Hathaway Held Serve On That One.

Filed under: Hadley V. Baxendale, Milford Alumni, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 6:03 am

 

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Gang, as several others as mentioned, it is preeettttyyyyy far-fetched that the Milford School Board is the only school board in America or, come to think of it, THE PLANET, which is dim-witted several times over to walk into a room that resembled your State Representative’s office and negotiate with a shrewd but still a bit-wet-behind-the ears lawyer, her dad who obviously really should have been leading the legal team but was incapacitated because it took a while for the Chem-Lawn to settle on his head and it’s hard to argue a case when you experience discomfort mutating from Lou Grant to Mr. Kravits and an Archie Andrews who was sleeping in his jalopy because Jughead Jones hadn’t cleaned out his garage yet without SOME kind of legal representation of its own.

Thorpiverse obviously thinks the rest of society is stupid and that Mr. Brady will let Alice the Maid argue with Hadley Venom over the whereabouts of Greg Brady. Alice, I know when I send you to the lions in the Milford Colosseum, victory is assured. Just use your broom if they get a little hostile; oh, and run the vacuum for any feline droppings. We don’t want to leave a mess.

Greg will have to reattend kindergarten. He will have to have lunch money this time, the days of Milford School vouchers are over. He’ll have to buy his own Twinkies and cafeteria meat loaf; can’t sneak lasagna from Garfield’s tray, he’s been warned about that several times. No Canadian coins in the Minute Maid machine.

But he can stay with the Cleavers. He can have Wally’s bed in the basement. And he can use Darren Stephens’ bar in Mr.Stephens’ house across the street. Just stay away from the Dewar’s Premium Label. That’s non-negotiable. Larry Tate can be a pain in the butt, especially over The Bucket ad campaign he’s been promoting lately. But Tiki can have the Lowenbrau in the fridge as long as he’s accompanied by an adult (since he’s a minor) and doesn’t drink more than 2. Save some for Samantha.

Oh, he’ll have to help Beaver with his paper route. 1,547 customers is a lot of papers to deliver and Beaver’s gotta make it to school on time.

Anything else, Alice? I understand Mel’s Diner has fish and chips to die for and I’m starving. No, Greg, no French silk pie. It gives you acid reflux, remember?

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Admits To Damages Due To Vandalism At Milford High School In Plea Bargain With School Board!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Yeah, I’m the one who set off the firecrackers under the bleachers at the girls gym but I ain’t no Unabomber. Cochrane told the Board comin’ clean on the TNT in the faculty bathroom was non-negotiable.”

 

“Is that the Orlons you’re playing? Man, I’m feelin’ the heat. Wahhhhhhh, wah wah wah-tusi, See’mon and take a channnccceee and get-a with this dance…”

“No, actually that’s Chubby Checker. He had that voice-change surgery, remember? Watch it, your tie is going to knock over that King James I lamp on the coffee table. Just wah-wah-tusi over by the humidifier.”

 

As I’m still getting over the shock of Lurch in a flannel shirt eating his pumpkin pie in Mel’s Diner (Janet’s Diner is apropos too, Teenchy-ha) , what in the name of New Thayer does Chet Atkins mean “District Mail”? Okay, I’m going to surmise that all literature pertaining to Milford High School THAT GOES TO TIKI is going to be forwarded to the Flemings’ address. But is it too much to ask to SAY THAT? District Mail? What’s he going to receive? A newsletter? Pin-Up-Of-The-Month? Better get out that bikini, Ms. Rizk, Tiki’s gettin’ hot and heavy. Beer ads? Oh, the possibilities.

“And if you bring your student ID this Saturday, Milford Beverage Warehouse will give you a free six-pack of Sprite with an adult purchase of the adult’s favorite gin & tonic. Student will get carded and must have adult present simultaneously. Sorry, no mix and matches.”

You drive a hard bargain, Hadley V.

 

“…and Greg will have to visit the same dentist that Beaver visits. And only toothpaste with Tartar Control and Fluoride. And it’s an In-School Suspension if Greg is caught with Ward Cleaver’s BVD’s. Or even Ward’s jazz record collection, including Duke Jordan’s ‘Flight to Denmark’. Ward still bawls his eyes out over ‘Glad I Met Pat.’ I won’t have some punk kid raining on Ward’s parade.”

 

If ya gotta put down one-a yore Rote-wylers cuz he’s got too many ticks and fleas and causes bed sores in the chair-backs in the meetin’ room not ta mention a mild case-a Bubonic Plague he picked up lickin’ Alpo Chicken off-a the cafeteria plate at Mel’s Diner as a condition ta enroll yore in-bred son in 3rd grade AGAIN, ya might be a redneck.

 

“…and Greg will actually have to play a sport in this strip that’s supposed to be talking about sports, not some bitchy pissy-faced female attorney and her dad and his radioactive head, hair with a shelf-life of 100 years wandering the Appalachian Trail and landing on Park Place. People thought this was Apartment 3-G until I had to set’ em straight when I was selling them on a Farm Implement Policy. And he can only use Breeze towels to wipe his butt, the ones Porter Waggoner used when he was takin’ a shit between sets…”

 

Come on Baby

Let’s do The Twist

Come on Mimi

Let’s do The Twist

Ohhhhh, Dr. Pearl

It goes like this

 

Round and round and round we go

 

“Honey, you’re gonna punch the glass of that picture of Mt. Etna.”

“Darling, I thought that was Jackson Pollack’s watercolor of the State of Maine.”

“No, I hung that in the den, over the fireplace. It had more of an intimacy. It was a conversation piece in case the neighbors came over and we’d run out of things to say before dinner.”

 

“…and Greg cannot hang around Eddie Munster anymore. People are beginning to talk. They traced the robbery of the Milford 7-11 to Grandpa Munster. Says he got $72 out of the drawer and some coins but the Milford Police couldn’t prove anything. And he can only eat Mott’s Applesauce, Del Monte canisters are a thing of the past. The School Board’s on a budget…”

Tim, My Man, thanks for covering for me on Tuesday. I gotta lug this heart monitor around for 3 months (ha) so your tag team effort was a huge shot in the arm. It’s kinda like dragging around this non-athletic plot with no light at the end of the tunnel snoozing in a sleeping bag by the Milford City Dump, well, you get the idea.

 

“I can’t help it, Dear, I’ve always liked dancing to ‘Purple Onions’ by Booker T & the M.G.’s. Willie Weeks plays a mean bass on that tune.”

“Ed, I think it’s ‘Green Onions’ and Donald ‘Duck’ Dunn played the bass.”

“Whatever. It’s been a long day. You should have seen her handle that School Board like Jon McLaughlin whirling his fingers on ‘Dizzy Atmosphere’ accompanied by Duke and Bird and miss your Maxwell House cup by a mile.”

 

I’m still in shock over “District Mail.” Let me see if we’re on the same page, Thorpiverse

“…and if Greg Brady is going to send news about dog-breeding Lassie, he has to specify ‘dog’ in his ad. There were too many complaints about the nature of the ad. People thought he was soliciting porn news. I know he wants puppies, but one person thought he was illicitly advertising Dumbo the Elephant.”

 

Are those actually WINDOWS we’re seeing in Ed’s house? I was so caught in his worst possible imitation of Tony Manero trippin’ the light fantastic to “Disco Inferno” that I overlooked the Brubaker models. Talk about reform. No more Zeus-sent-a-lightning-bolt-worth-100,000-volts-up-Hercules-duodenum-because-he-angered-Hera-when-Hercules-refused-to-take-out-the-garbage-because-it-was-Poseidon’s-week. We can se the Milford skyline for once. Brubaker musta got some heads rollin’ off the Milford School Board. What happens when you got backbone. Windows rooted in reality become a dream come true.

“…Greg Brady and Eddie Haskell must write “I will not throw 2% milk cartons at the prairie-style windows” 1000 times and as far as I’m concerned, we’re square on his reinstatement. I still have to talk with The Skipper but rumors are floating around the lagoon that he thinks that’s a fair punishment…”

 

“Golly, Beaver, you dope. When Dad finds out you spilled a Bucket Banana Split all over Mr. Ballard’s Lucky Charms suit, you’re gonna get clobbered.”

 

TALK TO THE KIDS????????? What in tarnation is he talking about? All I’ve seen is his dining at Mel’s Diner when he’s not ordering the Big Breakfast (4 flapjacks, scrambled eggs, 55 sausage patties, 13 hash browns, gallon of orange juice, bowl of Chocolate Cream of Wheat, saucer of Uncle Ben’s Brown Rice in a saucer, Aunt Jemima Lo-Cal Syrup packets extra) at Denny’s or a chess board full of bowls of Lord-knows-what, we don’t know because Thorpiverse won’t open the damn things, the Baxendales are too busy arguing with Jaquan over his NBA career (Fried squid? Turnips on a shish kabob, over easy? Bucket o’ San Francisco-style Vanilla Mousse?) . Don’t tell me he’s going down to the Milford Boys Club.

“Yup, kiddos, we really whooped their asses. A good lesson to learn about life. If you set your mind to any goal and you have the right attitude, you can do it. My daughter is living proof.”

“Mr. Baxendale, wanna play air hockey with me?”

 

Ned, trust me, I fell out of my chair when I saw “The Sprinkler”. I had ideas flowing all morning long, even after my surgery (ha) , but I just let that one stand by itself. That was HILARIOUS. And the truth. A dangerous combo, My Friend.

 

“Did your loved one get ambushed by Indians and you’re not sure who to trust to be assured of a decent burial? Hi, this is Dr. Pearl here with Milford Funeral Solutions. When my first husband was involved in a massacre at Fort Sackville, George Rogers Clark had too much on his mind to be caught up in the affairs of the Pottawato

mies. My first husband just simply didn’t know about trade negotiations and next thing you know, he’s burning at the stake. Didn’t accept enough blankets from the tribe, I heard.

I had to act fast. His skeletal remains would be hangin’ on the tulip tree, Indiana’s state tree, were it not for the kind compassion shown by the good people at Milford Funeral Solutions. They showed me how they placed a sword over his body, while lying in state, all while embalming him with all kinds of ointments and creams. I only grabbed the yuk bucket twice and the breakfast buffet at Shoney’s was out of the question for me after the service but otherwise they showed why they were voted by Milford Today as the #1 funeral service in our fair city.

They had a chaplain in ASAP to officiate the service, not some student fresh from the Baptist Seminary in Dallas. I wasn’t about to let some Presbyterian Seminary brat majoring in Theology and Nicomachean Ethics lead the doxology nor the singing on songs like “Softly and Tenderly” or “Just As I Am.” The good people at Milford Funeral Solutions told me they only hired people with qualifications like George Beverly Shea to perform the service, including the closing prayer. Would you want Fred Flintstone to be uttering “In Jesus’ Name” at your father’s funeral? I thought not. My husband froze his ass off in the Wabash River one too many times to let Barney Rubble sing “Victory in Jesus” in the Special Music portion of the service.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today if someone in your family has died and you’d rather not leave him or her on the dining room table. I know I didn’t want to add new meaning to the song ‘On The Banks of the Wabash.’ My husband crossed the Rubicon and has never looked back. One day, I’ll join him, thanks to Milford Funeral Solutions, now accepting, BTW, American Express. One more amenity on the Stairway to Heaven.”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. Y’know, if Ed Baxendale would use shampoo more often, I bet that carpet-in-disguise he dons on his head wouldn’t itch so bad.

 

“…and Greg Brady will have to come to the altar at the Billy Graham Crusade later this month at the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater and make a profession of faith in Jesus and this time he can’t surrender to Muhammad as God’s Prophet the last time Mr. Graham came to town…”

 

 

“Yoouuuuuu rang?”

“Yeah, get in the car. Me and Morticia are going down to The Bucket. It’s half off  Bucket Fried Spider Legs night and I know how you eat ’em by the plateful.”

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August 13, 2019

If it were an official meeting, would they refer to him as Thomas?

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Suffice to say, Cicero she ain’t, but it was a nice try by the creative team to feature a strong female lead. That said, let’s go panel by panel…

P1: Bad touch, Hadley.

P2: Way to dis Milford academics, Hadley.

P3: Ed is pissed he had to put on a suit and tie and come all the way downtown just to be a prop.

Bonus questions:

What are those tomes in P1?

What is on the framed sign in P2?

Neither of Tiki’s parents attended this thing?

August 8, 2019

“You’re A School Board Member Now. Take Your Finger Out Of Your Mouth.”

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Hadley V. Baxendale, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 10:05 am

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Mr. Ballard is chasing Hadley Victrola all over Milford Towers because she’s getting more tips than Mr. Ballard. They jump out of the window, up on the ledge just out of the 82nd floor. Balancing their lives with their coin changer, Mr. Ballard has ol’ RCA Victrola trapped.

Suddenly, she remembers the Bugs Bunny cartoon she watched when she was a kid and Dad was away at a Rogaine Is Not Just For Men Under Seventy convention. She remembers Bugs being trapped on a similar ledge, this one on the ledge of the 73rd floor of the Milford General Finance Building. The ape was getting closer and closer, jealous that Bugs was getting all the coins thrown in his cup.

“Heeeyyyyyyyy, Mr. Ballard!!!!!!!! I got a trick. Watch this.”

She puts her finger in her mouth and begins to float off the ledge. She alights the ledge once again.

“You try it.”

Mr. Ballard is a little dodgy with the coin changer around his waistline and the beard most assuredly doesn’t help in trying to float. Try sticking your finger in your mouth while maneuvering through 1,295 Brillo pads around your chin and cheeks and you get the idea.

But he manages.

“WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! There you go, Mr. Ballard. You can see all of Milford, can’t you? Yeah, there’s the water tower over there, right behind the Spanish Inquisition. They’re terrorizing the conductor and the brakeman on the Milford & Oakwood!!!!!!!! Oh, you can see Milford High School? Where? Oh, by that Roadway turning left onto Main Street!!!!!!!!! I didn’t know Milford High School cafeteria had an account with them. The Roadway guy has Ho Ho’s on his dolly? And Wonder Bread Hot Dog Buns?  No, I  can’t say I see Gil’s hair. I didn’t know you could his Brylcreem for an airport beacon. Oh, he’s the one standing next to Bubba Joe Tilwell. Yeah, I understand he’ll be working with the defensive line. put some hair on their chests at those 7-on-7’s. Mr. Ballard, shame on you, you’re a big boy now, take your finger out of your mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!”

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-SPLATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 

To the lovely driver, Kentucky license plate # 852 XHV, who was driving in New Albany, Indiana 50 feet the wrong way and endangering the lives of those coming TOWARDS him because the driver was too lazy to drive around the block because 2 minutes of the driver’s time was evidently too much, hazarding a guess that he had to pick up his son at the 7-on-7 scrimmage and get to the Milford Barber Shoppe before it closed

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Traffic Stopped For Hours After Man Falls From The 73rd Floor Of Milford General Finance And Crashes On Top Of A Buick Skylark Backing Out Of Loading Dock The Wrong Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Witnesses confirm it was Mr. Ballard, the insurance agent. He could not re-insert valve stem in mouth in time to prevent landing on the cantaloupe grinds in the trunk.”

 

“Upon further review, the School Board has announced a reversal of the call and that Tiki Jansen will enroll at Milford High School in the Fall, pending mandatory flu shots and rabies injections at Milford Apothecary.”

Yup, the video said it all. They had to use pliers to finally pry Mr. Ballards index finger away from his bicuspid but it appears justice will be served or is headed in that direction. Miss Hathaway and Marcia Brady will only rubber-stamp that notion.

There are other issues to address now that Tiki will not have to live in Mammoth Cave (we’re assuming) while taking 18th-Century French Prose at Milford High (be true to your school, Tiki, attaway) .

For example, Miss Hathaway will be required to use Pond’s Rejuveness Anti-aging Anti-wrinkle Anti-Tiki Cold Cream in the 7 oz. jar to remove the Folger’s stain on her right cheek. The cold cream also does wonders in fixing the acute angles on her cheekbones so that Miss Hathaway doesn’t go to dinner at the Clampett’s later that evening looking like one of The Three Musicians. Picasso in a doctor’s office is nice decor; looking at Picasso swallowing chicken gizzards and downing it with moonshine at the Clampett’s dinner table is a horse of a different color. And cover your mouth, Miss Hathaway. Eating mashed taters with your jaw chewing in obsidian proportions is a little nauseating. I know I’d pass on a second helping of Leg of Lamb And Bucket o’ Shrimp Flambe.

And Marcia Brady will have to punch back in at Milford Audi. The owner wasn’t crazy about giving Marcia the time off during Inventory Clearance Event. So what if some punk kid was mired in the middle of bureaucratic pettiness? According to the owner, if the President of Milford Swimming Pool Supply drives out of the lot with a ’07 with barely 125,000 because the Little Old Lady from Milford only drove it on Saturday to hold the sign that said “New Thayer Sucks!!!!!!!” or “Oakwood Only Has 7 Legitimate Children On The Field!!!!!!!!!!” at Mudlark football games, then Tiki can sleep on a park bench that Gil and Mimi pass by when jogging. Shut the damn VCR off and get your ass back on the sales floor, Marcia.

And it’s a beautiful day. Usually, when it’s storming the streak in the window resembles someone’s drawing pencil gone a tad awry on vellum paper. Not today. New Madrid Fault City. Only thing missing is the earthquake but Tiki already took the steamboat down the Mississippi with Mr. Twain and his entourage to enroll at Milford. The Richter Scale has left the barn, just past Cairo.

 

If ya got yore finger up yore ass cuz ya fergot to buy some toilet tissue at Milford Convenient Mart even tho ya got plenty a’ Polish sausage on a bun, with pickles and relish, not ta mention a hefty helpin’ of Mudlark-style mustard, plus 2 bags a Lays Tater Chips in th’ 3 pound containers, Bar-B-Q and Cream Dill Pickle plus 34 3-Liter bottles a’ Mudlar-K-Cola Lemon Lime that’ll cause ya to burp up videos of Tiki when he was in diapers or takin’ his first baby steps at the Fleming’s household, ya might be a redneck.

 

And how does Mr. Ballard KNOW these yahoos have graduated? Mr. Ballard, take your finger out of your butt. If you can substantiate evidence that the administrative staff at New Thayer High School sent their transcripts to you when the UPS truck pulled up in your driveway to deliver that and Avon perfume bottles and booklets to your wife, then OK, I’ll take my Avon Shampoo and rub the Kiwi Fruit gel all over my hair and like it.

Otherwise, you have some explaining to do. How did you KNOW they graduated? Did you attend their Commencement? Watch them throw their graduation caps in the air? Listen to one of them give the Valedictorian Address?

“Fellow New Thayerians, if you want to prepare for the Game of Life, don’t be like my friends who turned out to be the Pharaohs in ‘American Graffiti’ and played the Jimmy Dean Fast-Track pinball machine all day at Milford Arcade. They may have racked up the points for several hours but the quarter they inserted in the slot could only beep off the bumpers for so long. Eventually, Game Over.”

The next day

“Oh, Tiki, Bugs Meany gave a very moving address. Said he regretted beating the shit out of Encyclopedia and will make restitution by joining the Peace Corps.”

And as long as we’re performing this Kitchen Cabinet meeting in the Office of the Mayor with the Official Seal of the City of Milford behind Mr. Ballard  displayed yesterday, I  might as well compliment the janitor who managed to mount “Still Life at Mudlark Lake” on the wall behind Hadley Venom. Raphael must have taken hours with the watercolors to paint all the wildlife and whatnot in 16th-century Milford.

P2-“Sorry, Mr. Ballard, I applied too much Vidal Sassoon this morning on my white streak. The flies are attracted to the foam. My dad uses some on his head and face to keep his eyebrows from falling off. Now about that Writ of Mandamus.”

 

At the Milford Marriott one day

KLLLLLLUUUNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKK

“OMIGODDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone fell from the 15th floor and crushed my hamstrings!!!!!!!!!!!! Call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hi, I’m Joe Sharkey at Sharkey Law Office. When you’re on the go and someone chases poor defenseless Bugs Bunny on a high rise because he was jealous of Bugs’ carrot intake and subsequently smashes your windshield, you need legal help to cover the cost of the resulting damages. Let’s face it, there’s no way you can return to work and tape gun packages and send them down the line to load on the truck when you’re missing your ankles. You need compensation and you need it fast.”

“I understand he ran an insurance agency in the ground because of poor decisions such as this one. He needed to keep his finger in his mouth but when Bugs Bunny asked Mr. Ballard about a Homeowners Policy, Mr. Ballard forgot to step back inside the room. Talking about Crab Grass Coverage got the better of him. But The Shark made him pay. Thanks, Shark, I got a generous settlement and Mr. Ballard is banned from the second floor and up at Marriotts all over the country. He can’t even use the elevator.”

“You heard the man. Even insurance agents need to know where to float and when they don’t, the consequences are brutal. But find out for yourself. Use a Q-Tip instead of your ring finger and call 1-FON-THe-JAWS today to see if The Shark can help you get out of Tape Gun Hell and on to the road to financial compensation. One call, that’s all.”

 

Special edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Ballard Lands On O.J.’s VW Jetta After Falling From Mayor’s Office!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Next time, I’ll take the freeway. The dude ruined the chassis on the vehicle.”

 

And P3 is interesting

“My dad is here to make sure they’ll be no more more body snatchers coming out of New Thayer. You know how they breed in that town.”

Hadley Venus, I’ll be looking out for any plant pods with abnormal growths, particularly ones the size of a Lyft automobile. I’ll be bringing my scanner when I’m talking a walk around the football practice field. Can never be too careful.

 

“We’ll be back in a moment when Judge Wapner comes out of his chamber and renders a decision on Tiki Jansen vs. Topeka. I’m Doug Llewellyn for The People’s Court here in WDIG-TV.”

 

“Whew, all this finger-pointing back and forth and a few stuck in their tonsils makes me kinda thirsty, doesn’t it you? If you could use a cold one, head on down to Milford Beverage Warehouse when you’re through picking your teeth.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. When you need to leave your attitude at the door and your fingers in your pocket and not in your dentures, The Warehouse will help you along with these bargain burners. How ’bout Cook’s Champagne at an unbelievable $5.99. Perfect when you’ve shaken hands and called a truce and said Tommy can attend Milford but will need a cane to walk the hallways so he doesn’t run into Ms. Rizk’s typewriter. Hey, this Bud’s for you,. Tommy, even if you are deaf, dumb, and blind.

How ’bout Jim Beam Black, straight from the barrels, at a ridiculous $18.99, chaser included? Let’s face it, when you take your finger out of your ass and fall several stories like that gorilla in a Bugs Bunny cartoon, you need to be feelin’ no pain. Just give me the shot glass and La La Land, here I come.

And because we have gotten an OVERWHELMING response, The Warehouse has an exciting promo on tap. That’s right, if you can stand taller than Wink Martindale’s hair, the cardboard cut-out standing by the Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum rack at Register #2, you will get a free brewskie of Natural Light Ice plus you can enter in the drawing for a chance to win a paid vacation for 2 to Milford Valley Vineyards B & B. Wow, I wish Mimi and I could go on our honeymoon again and take a tour of the farm, plus indulge in the activities in store for 3 days, including a wine-tasting orgy at dinner and riding the Wild Mouse through the Red Grape section of the farm.

And if you don’t quite measure up, not to worry. If you can stand taller than the Willy Wonka midget cut-out posing next to Wink, you will get a free shot of Heaven Hill Vodka and a bag of Grippo’s Bar-B-Q Chips plus you can enter in the drawing for a chance to win a tour of Milford Brewery. That also sounds exciting. I can take the kids to that one. I’d love for Keri and Jaime to learn how Seagram’s 7 Crown Whiskey is made, from the barley weed straight to the bottle. And them drink it legally? I’m just as good as the ticket in the hat.

Now I’ve heard a few pricks complain about the unfairness of the contest. It’s not their fault they couldn’t surpass Wink’s scalp, dandruff included. All I can say is that’s why you needed to eat your vegetables growing up when you were slurping your Bud. It wasn’t going to kill you to scrape up the last bit of fried okra when you were washing it down with a Miller Genuine Draft. Look what it did to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The man’s a Hall-of-Famer. ’nuff said.

“Head on down for all the fun and get some great deals while you’re at it. Standing next to Wink with your 18-Pack of Coors in a selfie? Sounds like a winner to me. Get your slice of The Good Life and Wink’s persona and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, it’s your turn. Excuswe me, I gotta go. I have to go to Judge Judy and see whether I have to pay the damages on Gil’s hair. I swear, I thought it was a wasp’s nest. i wouldn’t have used so much Raid.

“…my decision goes to Tiki Jansen.”

“Well, congratulations, Tiki? What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to use that $4,674,693,034 that The Shark got for me and buy some new cleats. My other ones have holes in them. Milford Athletic Foot Emporium is running a sale this week. Excuse me, gotta cut out before they close.”

“No problem, Tiki. Well, that wraps another edition of The People’s Court. This is Doug Llewellyn reminding you, that if you have you have smelly fingers because you are up in arms about what your neighbor did to your lawn mower, for gosh sakes, don’t take matters in your own hands and use your riding mower to shave off his beard. Take it to court.”

August 6, 2019

Look At That Business Woman, She Even Finally Got The High Five Right.

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Imagine her, all of her wealth

And in the arms of somebody else

I imagine her in court

 

With her communication skills

Cabinet full of videos and pills

Paying the bills and beating the WAP!!!!!!

 

You’ll never understand

Manipulative mind of that woman

Powerful debauchery in her eyes

 

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got a nose in your business

Look at that Business Woman

Her hair’s not much whiter than Pearl’s

 

Somebody oughta put a helmet and shoulder pads on the Business Woman. She no doubt knows the playbook better than the players on the Mudlark roster, the way she’s been entrenched in the affairs of the football team. Little wonder why I used The Church’s “Business Woman” (Steve Kilbey, your songwriting is STRONG, My Man) to attend to things.

Oh, when she’s not at the Milford Country Club to see if she should do a mid-career switch from law to the LPGA. Might I make a suggestion? Our high school has won beaucoup State Championships in Boy’s Golf and Girl’s Golf and if she wants to elevate her game, look no further than being with our own to see if she’s got what it takes. Pair her up with a couple of sophomores and if she can drive the ball longer than the youngsters, then sure, let’s pair her up with Nancy Lopez. But if she makes a habit of landing in the sand while the teenagers sink par after her par, well, as the old saying goes, don’t quit your day job. Some people are better at strong-arming School Board members whose businesses were in a lull period so they wrote a letter telling Tiki to get the Hell out of Dodge than they are missing the pin oak tree on the fairway on #9. Probably explains why THAT plot was an aborted flight. Thorpiverse simply never admitted that the Business Woman’s beginner’s luck was no substitute for PRACTICE, something you’ll need if you want to do better than the several-strokes-over-par-round-even-with-a-handicap game you more than likely shot the SECOND TIME AROUND but Thorpiverse didn’t record. Why show the dirty laundry and ruin a promising plot?

Golf game aside, L.A. Law has swooped in and preyed on the squirrels that is the School Board members and left nothing for the vultures to eat. And a recycled plot is saved for another day. It’s nice to know that when Tiki is playing in the 35-and-over Co-ed League at Milford Softball Complex and the Milford Parks & Recreation mails him a letter positing that he’ll have to move back to New Thayer because he has titanium bats in his bag, titanium being something the Milford EPA banned in the city limits, he can always dial long distance to Chicago and call the Business Woman. She’s got a chip and a head on her shoulders, 2 valuable assets when pleading your case before the Rec Board. You might need a video but you can always shoot one of Tiki at Mudlark Lake using one of the bats as a fishing rod to prove their environmental friendliness. The beauty is, it’ll be awhile before we reach nirvana. The Tiki Plot will encounter several rebirths before then, especially if the Business Woman has anything to do with it.

 

If yore lawyer got ya a reprieve until ya can fix the septic tank at yore trailer park after showin’ the Milford Zoning Board a video of yore neighbor’s raw spillage of Totino’s Pepperoni pizza crusts (the pizza of choice fer rednecks, just pop it in the microwave ’til ya charred the damn thang and enjoy while yuz watchin’ the Super Bowl) all over the streets of Milford Trailer Vista, the same neighbor bein’ the pot callin’ the kettle black just cuz yore septic tank is missin’ a coupla bolts and causin’ at worst a minor stink with just a few old horseflies and a few skeeters buzzin’ about, nuthin’ else, ya might be a redneck.

 

Doncha love the Business Woman pointing the finger at Tiki in P1? Hasn’t he had ENOUGH of that? Wasn’t that the point of this plot? Stop allowing the Rockville School Board to shout “J’accuse!” at our hero because they never bothered to see the video of Bugs Meany and his gang threaten Tiki? It was bad enough that we never got to the heart of the matter as to why Mr. Ballard and Granny Clampett and the other School Board members would send him a letter stating that he would have to withdraw from Milford at the earliest hour when the evidence had already confirmed that he was a member in good standing. What was the point of putting him in Double Jeopardy? There was nothing else on the agenda and the School Board had to concoct something exciting just to boost attendance?

“Hey, I know!!!!!! Let’s send him a letter saying his septic tank went on the frizz again, causing Milford Trailer Vista to shut down for 2 months!!!!!!!! Everybody will be at that meeting. They’ll want restitution. Not even the Business Woman can get him out of paying the street and yard cleanup. He’s just as good as ‘Hit the showers!!!!’ It’ll be nice to use more than one sheet of steno paper to record the minutes.”

And maybe that explains why she IS pointing the finger.

“OF COURSE!!!!!!! You’re free to play. But that’s not the issue. Remember when you turned on the garden hose on that day when it was really muggy? And you forgot to turn it off because you wanted to catch the radio broadcast to see if the Cubs regained the lead? Well, your neighbor’s watermelon patch next door got flooded and…”

Well, I don’t think she’s screaming “You ran a slant and the play called for a buttonhook!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Her mind reveals a lump of coal

Stopped like the flutters in death’s robe

When she reveals her marriage plans

 

All of her bitches come deep and swift

Promise her anything only if

She’s going to have to ditch her dad

 

She’ll never understand

The entire playbook in one day

Time to head home, come what may

 

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got her head in her buttocks

Look at that Business Woman

Her hair’s not much whiter than Carol’s

 

Remember that flunky that followed that gangster who used to always say “Shaddup”? One of Bugs Bunny’s nemeses?

“Oh, Boy, Boss, we held up the Milford Federal Bank 3 times this week and we hot wired a coupla ‘vettes so we can head to our hideout in North Bend and live large and the best part is we won’t have to attend any more School Board meetings!!!!!!!! That video clearly shows we were racin’ the streets and alleys of New Thayer and gunnin’ down a couple of squad cars. No way they could prove we bombed Ms. Rizk’s classroom!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Shaddup.”

“Does that mean I’m back on the football team? I may have a fat ass but I can pull-block. And I know how to protect the quarterback’s blind spot. Coach T even thinks I can play a little tight end even if I have have lunky hands like Foghorn Leghorn.”

“Shaddup”

“And I think Mr. Ballard couldn’t sell an automobile policy to an Indy driver. And, Boss, he’s got lice in his beard. Does he ever shower? He smelled like Tiki’s septic tank. And Carol uses Geritol to treat her herpes. Old people’s medical products won’t bail you out if you’re sexually indiscriminate.”

“Shaddup”

“And are those guys ACTUALLY playing football in P1? It’s been so long since we’ve seen any sports. Just Looney Tunes and the Business Woman and her boyfriend-cum-fiancee. And her dad who’s in a mid-life crisis at 81. When I saw the helmets, I thought ‘what’s a road construction crew member with a Stop and Slow sign doing at the practice field? Then it hit me. Gawrsh, THEY”RE PLAYING FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!! I know because crane operators don’t normally wear jock straps. You don’t do a cup check on a cement mixer. I’ll bet you didn’t know that, huh, Boss?”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADDUP MEANS SHADDUP

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Judge Ito Declares O.J. Will Not Have To Vacate Condo Even If Costco Is Moving In The Suite Next Door!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It is my understanding that the Milford Zoning Board had designated the property a mixed-usage development with an easement so The Bucket could use the grass lot for overflow parking on Saturday night.”

 

Boy, the Chunky Bracelet Parade is in full display today. Business Woman bought a few at Milford Consignment Shoppe and must have picked up a few off the ground when she was at Milford Towing and Recovery to retrieve a teenager’s car after the car got its title mixed up with another car which was supposed to be towed to New Thayer Towing and Recovery. The Milford Towing people have VCR’s. They should have watched the video of the New Thayer owner sticking the title in the glove box. There’d be no misunderstanding. And Business Woman wouldn’t be plucking stray brass rings and copper fixtures out of junk vehicles and putting them on her wrists.

I’ll give Thorpiverse this. They got the sound effect right for once. I personally would have liked WHAP but I’m not particular. Just PLEEEEASSSEEEEE no more KRUNK or FLOK or SPLACK or any of the other noises Bigfoot makes in Milford Nature Area when he’s taking a dump.

“Batman!!!!!!! Look out!!!!!!!!! Here comes Bigfoot!!!!!!!”

FART

Oops, not even Batman did that to The Riddler. Let’s try again

“Batman!!!!!!! Look out!!!!!!!!! Here comes Bigfoot!!!!!!!”

CRATCH

“You knocked him cold, Batman.”

“Yes, and with the Hydrogenated Anti-matter Dephosphated Soporific Bat Sleeping Gas, Chief O’Hara and the rest of the Milford Police should be here before he wakes up.”

 

And speaking of Batman, not sure why The Joker is making her dad wear a suit and be a prop. Why would that be necessary if you she were trying to track down the Bat Cave? Be in your best seersucker when you finally locate the Bat Computer? And is the School Board meeting still a go? I thought that was a dead issue. As in sports, expect the unexpected in Thorpiverse. Evidently, Business Woman wants her dad to be in his best Joe Pesci and bring his accordion that’s on his desk in P3 to entertain the School Board members. Playing some polka like Bobby Vinton’s “Melody of Love” would soften anybody’s renewed efforts to run Tiki out of town. The Lawrence Welk Theme ought to bring Ballard the Insurance Guy to his knees. Get Carol Merrill at 85 cryin’ those crocodile tears.

“I haven’t cried this much since I showed some man and his family that Bahamas trip for 4 behind Door #3.”

And maybe it’s just me, but aside from the inexplicable time-lapse growth of Mr. Baxendales’s hair caused by an outpouring of Rogaine and oat bran mix, is Mr. Baxendale striking the Napoleonic pose? Otherwise, he appears to be holding those sheets of paper containing business news and insider info at Milford Downs with his left ring finger and pinky. I tip my hat to a guy who can bet the winning horse and hold the form on his thumbnail, no question.

And does she always wear Ford Explorer piston rings when she’s talking to her dad? I know she’s trying to look stylish but…

 

“And that’ll wrap up another practice here on the gridiron. I’ll be talking with Coach T. in a moment. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Did your loved one pass away recently and your budget did not allow for cremation? Wasn’t it a bitter pill to swallow to see the corpse lie in state in the truck bed while the Dodge Ram peeled away towards the Milford Medical Research Center? As one family related to me, it was shocking to find out Grandpa Jones was subdivided all over the lab, or so the nurses said. It was painful to put his head in a jar while his hands were substituted for frog legs to do testing on nerve impulses. And don’t go there about his gluteus maximus. That became some kid’s trampoline after testing that with Dacron.

Hi, I’m Doctor Pearl, speaking on behalf of Milford Funeral Solutions. The friendly staff here understands the concerns of many families strapped for funds but want the dignified procedures that accompany cremation. That’s why they have partnered with Milford Scrap Metals, Inc. to facilitate a better way to The Promised Land. For a cost that would cause a mild surprise, Milford Funeral Solutions can take your loved one, after proper service and heartfelt testimony of the deceased when he or she was alive, and drive the Dear Departed  to Milford Scrap Metals, Inc. for a righteous send-off.

Don’t worry, after all the aluminum has separated from the iron, staff workers at the incinerator ensure that the device is completely devoid of any metals or the occasional Diet Coke 16 -ounce bottle that gets accidentally thrown in the fire. Your loved will never know what hit him or her as the flames reach an apogee that will take him or her to the Stairway to Heaven. No leftover material has ever graced the surroundings, your loved one has vanished into another dimension, ready to join those who wait for him in the Heavenly Garden. Isn’t wonderful to not spot charred bone or misrouted dentures around the fireplace, let alone the hearse crash into one of the semi’s filled with #2 copper because the police-escorted cavalcade kept the Path to El Dorado pig iron ingot-free and devoid of rebar trucks? And you didn’t have to dip into your retirement and pay an early withdrawl penalty.

Yes, Milford Funeral Solutions truly has discount cremations designed to bring peace of mind to your loved one and your pocketbook. Come check them out today and let your own Uncle Charlie get the Trial by Fire via The Shadow of Death without allowing your car to be repossessed. You owe it to yourself and your loved one.”

 

Take ‘er away, Gang. I think we still are going to have a School Board meeting. Maybe not. But maybe one day Tiki will sign with the Cubs…

Couldn’t resist, Robmize, couldn’t resist.

 

And when she comes, the plot explodes

Exquisite bracelets in outrageous mode

When dad’s hair grows, it’s suddenly gone

 

Maybe you’ll find it, maybe you won’t

Maybe Dad loves her, maybe he don’t

Maybe he’ll wear a peruke all alone

 

You’ll never comprehend

The hair transplants she gave to Dad

A Business Woman, that’s her path

 

Look at that Business Woman

She bought some hair for his scalpline

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got more white hair than Dad’s chest

August 1, 2019

Are You Sure They’ll Vote Me A Full Member At Putt Putt? Because Hadley Was Accepted Unanimously.

080119

…who went to the March Hare who was having trouble with his hip rotation no matter how much Alice insisted he should swing his hips before full extension of his arms who ran over the Mad Hatter when Tiki caught the bomb at the 10-yard line and the Mad Hatter got called “Toast” cuz he wuz always gettin’ burnt at Free Safety who was going to The Queen to get her to sign a deposition and when Tiki moved into her personal toilet, she exclaimed “Off with his head!!!!!!!!” who saw Gil teach Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum how to putt who went to The Bucket afterwards for a beer after The Queen finally force the Milford Beverage Commission to relent after threatening to send the Royal Guard to the board members’ houses and sodomize their children who said to Gil after spilled a Bucket Strawberry Shake on The Queen “Off with his head!!!!!!!!” who…

Gang, are you as confused as I am trying to keep up with all these plots this summer? The golf plot last year was asinine and stupid but we at least stayed the course, pursuing to the bitter end 3 bozos disguised as Greg, Peter, and Bobby trying to put it to our heroes by faking their scores to Tiger Woods-Jack Nicklaus proportions only to predictably get their comeuppance in the end. C’mon, does anyone think any different? Yeah, a scout saw the leaderboard, called an agent and those bozos were at Augusta the next year with Sam Snead and Arnold Palmer.

But again, we were single-minded in our farcical pursuit of the truth. This year, if you’re not careful, Tiki will lose his man again and trip in the little pool where Hadley Venom is forced to take a drop and try to keep her par at the Drawbridge segment at Milford Mini-Links. Hey, Miniature Golf is a challenge. She needs to challenge her mind to keep it sharp when she has to go over to Mrs. Kravits’ house to inform her that she is wanted as a witness when Tiki is moving in with Samantha and Darren.

Be that as it may, no sense in beating this in the ground and losing our way in the final analysis, you whippersnappers are going to have to bear my love for Black Sabbath with a CLASSIC, Volume 4 the name of the CLASSIC, and a CLASSIC tune off that album, “Wheels of Confusion”. Ozzy, Tony, Geezer, Bill, it’s all yours

 

A month ago I wandered through this plot

On the field or shanking on the golf course

Lost in depostions with no fear

Touch football and torts were all I knew

 

It was an illusion

 

“…there’s a killer on the road,

His brain is squirmin’ like a toad…”

Oh, it’s just Gil driving the golf cart, Jaquan ridin’ shotgun. My Doors moment has come and gone.

 

And to be fair, I think it’s wonderful that Jaquan can be accepted with an overwhelming show of support.

That wasn’t the case many years ago when blacks were subjugated to abuse and second-class status and just flat-out banned from the golf courses all over the country. And in the ’70’s, a time when I was in my teens, you’d think that people would know better.

But a black man named Frazier Vance was golfing at a golf course in Madisonville, Kentucky and was with a foursome enjoying themselves when a couple of golf officials came up to Vance and said

“Get off the golf course.”

And of course, Vance asked in consternation “Why?”

“Because you’re black.”

Naturally, the golf course covered for these 2 roaches by saying to the effect that Vance didn’t have his stage pass. Shame on the people who tolerated this kind of behavior and tried to rationalize it later on.

Frazier Vance, ya done good for the community, My Friend. You taught a lot of people, black and white, the game of golf, your one true passion and love. You made them better people as a result. You did not deserve this. Rest In Peace.

I just love this parade of Blob and his family members in P1. Yup, when they’re not devouring half the populace of Milford, they’re out on the back nine for a relaxing round. Just don’t dip that shoulder, Mrs. Blob, when you’re teeing off. It probably explains why you’re smackin’ everything to the right.

And upon closer inspection, those are GOLF bags and GOLF clubs in the back of Gil’s golf cart. Not the Diet Coke and Mountain Dew canisters I originally conjectured. What Fanta Strawberry Surprize canister has a putter sticking out of its spout? Might help to get another appointment at Milford Optical. And that’s Blob Jr. at the Hot Wheels steering wheel about to approach #8 to tee off. I think we got this all sorted out. Whew!

“…who told the Lobster and the Mock Turtle that they had to get their physical turned in if they wanted to play flag football this year cuz The Queen challenged Gil and Mimi to a match of croquet and when Gil nailed his Titleist on The Queen’s bocce ball and sent it through the wickets and landed on The Bucket’s juke box and it started playing Red Sovine’s Hit Parade, The Queen exclaimed “Off with his head!!!!!!” who went with Hadley Virtueless and the Ace of Spades to Milford High School and told Ms. Rizk that she’d have to go to court and appear before Judge Judy if she wanted to recover her typewriter and not pound on the Dormouse’s buttocks for an editorial who…”

P2-“…the 35 and 3/8 members were so impressed with your singing “The Lobster Quadrille”, especially when you were shoutin’ above the back-up band, Uriah Heep, that they want you to join Fish-Footman, The Knave of Hearts, and Member-Guest as a foursome in the Milford City Tournament next week. With a generous handicap and a few tips to The Cheshire Cat from yours truly, you oughta be a cinch to win. How ’bout it?”

I’d be thinkin’ hard on that one too. Member-Guest blew a couple of putts down the stretch last year and if he can’t survive the pressure, I’d be like Jaquan and go for Willie Mays. He’ll hit it long anyway. And did you see The Catch on the fairway on #5 last year? That just clinches it. Mays is in.

Soon the golf balls changed to ugly pigskins

Figuring out just didn’t come so easy

Gil was more than fairy tales and tap-ins

Dog-Leg Left was just another word

It was an illusion

If ya gotta put a ton of tape around yore flamingo cuz ya got a swingin’ bunt the last time up at the plate in the Major Modified Industrial Men’s League Thursday Night Blue Dot softball at Milford Sports Park but ya don’t wanna git called out fer an altered bat cuz ya crammed sum steel fillers ta cause the poor flamingo ta poop on home plate and piss off the umpire cuz he’s gotta brush the damn stuff off, ya might be a redneck.

“…who asked Gil if he could borrow his Grecian Formula because it wasn’t doing him any good, judging by P2 and Bill the Lizard needed it for those 2 hairs sticking out of his bald head and his fiance said that goatee was enough to make a dog laugh, or so she learned from Elviney and Loweezy  at the gossip fence and that Jaquan and Snuffy Smith needed to use Grecian Formula on their scuzz if they weren’t going to shave it off with a Poulan and Marty Moon needed some Quaker State 10W-40 for his own facial hair if he was going to get romantically involved with Peaches again and go to Milford Men’s Clinic to take care of that croquet stick in his crotch who said that Shermy and Schroeder and the Cheshire Cat said Lucy needed to quit saying that Gil and Linus are wienies…

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Wins Sudden Death At Milford Country Club, Takes City Tournament Title!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“When Member-Guest said something about my mother on #17, Man, that just fired me up.”

And glory be, HADLEY VICTORIA NATIONAL CAN GOLF!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just what we need, another plot to add to the fire. Thorpiverse, I hate to break it to you but if you’re going to mastermind the M.A.S.H. format that worked well for that show, i.e., 2-3 mini-plots interweaving in the span of half an hour and ingeniously bringing closure by the time the closing theme rolled around, you only have ONE MONTH until September before the football plot arises from the dead. You can’t just push the season back and try to shoehorn Jaquan’s mammoth drives on the fairway and Hadley Venom’s putting on the steps leading into the Milford Municipal Court and sign depositions and contracts to have Gil dumped behind Milford Beverage Warehouse and Tiki able to attend Algebra II at Milford simultaneously and Tiki needing lessons from Heather on how to cover a Pop Warner League player on a slant and Mr. Baxendale needing Hayley’s M-O because the prescription at Milford Apothecary ran out when he was gorging in Spaghetti-O’s while lecturing his daughter to marry Robert Brady and be done with it because there were already kids and if she was going to be an on-the-go lawyer, Alice could take care of the kids at soccer practice and still be able to do the laundry. Did I leave out anything?

One month? Lotsa luck.

So we found that there’s too many games

And we know there’s never been a winner

We’ve tried so hard, the summer’s been a loser

Golf carts still be driving once August exits

This plot’s an illusion

And we can safely say without fear of contradiction that after going back and forth between and P1 and P3 and performing the same for several minutes that the people in the golf cart behind Gil and Jaquan are NOT the Frog-Footman and his Member-Guest, let alone a dozen of them, but Mimi and Hadley V. presumably in their own conversation.

“Hell, yeah, if you can shoot through the drawbridge like that and putt like Tiger, you oughta give up your law career and make a career out of Milford Mini-Links.”

“I still need to talk with Jaquan about it first. BTW, you got $15 dollars? There’s the Pepsi Man over by the tree.”

And what is the purpose of Jaquan’s putter overlapping onto the website in general? Did it ever occur to Thorpiverse to move both gentlemen caught up in a tender moment 2 feet over? We KNOW that that is a putter Jaquan has on his person, it is not necessary to be concerned that the audience might think it’s a cattle prod. Move them doggies on the greens, makes sense to me. It’d work better than Hadley Venom’s crooked cattle prod that she’s using to sink her putt and get a birdie when she’s not sticking Elsie the Cow back in the pen. Nice shorts, Mimi, incidentally. Tres chic.

“…and the White Rabbit shouted to Hadley Vacuum Cleaner “I’m late!!!!!!! I have a golf match with Mimi and The Queen!!!!!!!!” as the White Rabbit scurried  to Milford Dollar General to buy a matching outfit just like Mimi’s in P3 who saw Coach Kaz talk to the Dodo who suggested a Caucus Race where Tiki could run the plot in circles and there would never be a winner and he would get dizzy and feel like Marty Moon at Milford Lounge during Onion Rings and Bud Lite Happy Hour who saw Peaches wear Mimi’s golf shorts and they were several sizes too small so she told the Merlin the Magician to transform them into a more comfortable size even though Merlin the Magician came from another story but what else is new when you’re trying to figure out this plot you might as well be trying to figure out The Queen’s croquet swing who told Caterpillar to quit stealing Bobby Howry’s hookah he could smoke his own Bel-Airs thank you very much who told Paul Harvey…”

“And Hadley V. sinks another one!!!!!!! The woman’s en fuego today. We need to take a break before she tees off again. You’re listening to WDIG radio, a division of Lear Field Sports. This is Marty Moon and we’ll be right back.”

“Hello, this is Dr. Pearl speaking for Milford Funeral Solutions. Did your pet just recently die? Have you ever thought about pet cremation?

I know when a few of my hamsters died at our hatchery at Pearl’s Incubating Industries that we needed to get peace of mind and none too soon. Dumping them in the trash can along with that bad Banquet Frozen Dinner Turkey Tenders and Mashed Potatoes would have been inhumane and Betsy and Myrtle and Bernie and Gus were too docile and sweet without their Last Rites.

That’s when my husband and I decided to take a momentous step and talk to the good people at Milford Funeral Solutions. They gave us our choice of ministers, priest, rabbi, or licensed preacher, and the kind of service to perform, Traditional Latin Mass, 3 hymns and a homily (“Just As I Am”, “Victory in Jesus”, and “When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder”) or a more open celebration, giving the audience to relate their favorite moment with Gus or Myrtle. Sometimes a catharsis is the way out.

We were exposed to all the cremation techniques, ways that would be effective in facilitate their transition to the Walls of the New Jerusalem while transcending the Wheels of Fire. We chose the Match-Lite Fluid w/ Black Diamond Matches in Gas Oven method and we were none the wiser for it. We were even able to spread their ashes in Mudlark Lake as a special touch. Believe me, when I saw Bernie’s remains being dropped from the rowboat into the deepest part of Mudlark Lake, I had to hold back the tears.

Why go anywhere else to have your Lassie or Mr. Ed sent through trial-by-fire? Many funeral homes don’t guarantee their work and when you’re left with Mr. Ed’s head after the rest of his ashes is in Milford Holiday Inn’s swimming pool, it’s a long trip home. The undertaker had to remove the spare tire to get to his head. And when I was a sophomore in high school, I remember reading where Chester A. Arthur’s horse wound up at Milford Glue Factory and not as an employee.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today and let them take Rin Tin Tin to the Pearly Gates in one piece. Pet cremation never had it so good.

All right, Gang, it’s your turn. Just remember, Alice took the Milford & Oakwood to The Queen’s garden and ran over her petunias which caused The Queen to exclaim “Off With Gil’s Head!!!!!!!!!!” and Coach Shaw went hunting with his sawed-off Flamingo with the rest of the playing cards…

Lost in this Plot of Confusion

Bawling my eyes out with tears

I’m full of angry delusion

Hiding in Gil’s Belvedere…

July 25, 2019

“And I Always Call 400 Lawyers When I Always Owe 400 Mil…”

072519When I wake up, I know where I wanna be I wanna sleep with the man

Who’s gonna marry me

When I’m angry, so angry I could shit I know I’m gonna shine a heat lamp

On my father’s head

When I throw up, I know it’s cuz I ate too much all this fancy cooking

Clogging up my butt

When I clean up, I know I need some Clearasil I know that wart was

Just one fancy zit

 

And I always type 400 briefs and I always fax 400 lawyers

Just to be sure that the case is closed

And we’re not left hanging by our drawers

 

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

Always fax 400 lawyers

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

da da dun dun

Not get shot stripped down to our drawers

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S GOT ME. THERE’S ONE MORE FROG ON THE ISLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAY MILLAND HAS ALREADY GOTTEN EATEN BY AN 8-FOOT KERMIT THE FROG AND AN 8-FOOT MISS PIGGY ATE HIS REMAINS FOR DESSERT, HELP!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!-Oh, it’s you, Mrs. Baxendale. For a moment, I thought you were the Goodyear Blimp but sometimes when Salvador Dali is the artist as in P1, these optical illusions can be quite a sight for sore eyes. I figured that you were inflated to 35 lb/psi when I didn’t see any blimp messages, e.g. “Eat at The Bucket this week for Daily Daquiris Hour, 3-4 P.M. every day, Cherry Daiquiri topped with Bucket Cool Whip, 1/2 off” or “Goodyear Steel-belted, 2-Ply, All-weather, 36,000 Mile Warranty, Looks-Like-They-Ran-Over-Mrs.-Baxendale’s-Visage Radials, 4 for $450, Only at Milford Tire and Wheel”.

 

Because I stand in befuddlement when people who should know better get attacked by bison at Yellowstone National Park that involved a 9-year-old getting head-butted by one, prompting me off-hand to say that when enjoying wildlife

KEEP YOUR DISTANCE AT ALL TIMES

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Almost Stampeded By A Herd Of Moose At Milford Nature Area, Manages To Climb An Elm Tree To Safety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“‘I thought Cochrane was scary when he pleaded his case with Ito until I tried to feed one of them some Wheaties'”

 

And where in the name of Jerry Pulver are Mrs. Baxendale and Hadley Venom? As long as we’re going to talk herds of lawyers and keeping your distance from them (gotta watch ’em. They like to feed in the same area as the black bears in the Smokies) , I’d like to know the venue where Hadley Veronica is pouring her heart out with mamma, lawyers, Papa Warbucks, er, Baxendale, or the Cubs (GOTCHA, Robmize-ha) .

Well, it’s the same brick wall that Pink Floyd used for The Wall but I don’t see any queers in the theater tonight (even tho Mrs. Baxendale DEFINITELY doesn’t look right) to get up against a wall or anyone with spots, let alone have any of them shot (just reading off the album’s cheat sheet) and I don’t think David Gilmour frequents a place that has all the atmosphere of a minimum security fortress so I’m gonna go ahead and rule that out if it’s OK with the rest of you.

And I’m almost positive that they’re not in the studio where The Police are remastering Zenyatta Mondatta. No “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” while Hadley Verdant is wailing about Daddy Warbucks. Read the sign, Gang. It’s KENYATTA, not Zenyatta. You do know your Z’s from your K’s, right? The 400 lawyers are not the chorus backing Sting on “De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da”. Just thought I’d get that straightened out ahead of time.

And again, it really doesn’t look like Shawshank, the bricks look too modern. And Andy Du Fresne would be coming out of Mr. Baxendale’s tub anytime after he left a hole in the wall behind Mrs. Baxendale. Boy, the case brief the 400 lawyers would have to file for that one.

Hey, I’ll go with some Joe Blow coffee shop meant to promote ATMOSPHERE while this pile of Quaker Oats gets steeper and steeper. And that’s not the half of it. Didn’t they just get done shooting a scene of intramural football? Didn’t that replace the Putt Putt Miniature Golf plot? And weren’t they supposed to get together at another IHOP in New Thayer because the New Thayer Creme de la Creme Bon Cuisine et Le Plus Bon Vin dans le Soleil du Centre de Paris burnt to the ground because the toilet’s circuitry got mixed with the Dutch oven? And does Thor strike coffee cups to the ground too? Man, that piece of porcelain Mrs. Baxendale is drinking out of got burnt at the stake. Thor must have angered Zeus and vice versa and they both took it out on Poseidon’s corningware. Mythology couldn’t generate any more interest.

 

When I speak up, I know she’ll only have a cow she’ll never take me

To Milford Six Flags again

When I read up (When I read up) The Vulcan Times has published dates of all the times

Captain Kirk jump-starts his ship

Oh my daughter (oh my daughter) , I know she wants to marry rich so I won’t be her

Sugar Daddy in escrow

When I find out, you know I’ll make sure that he’s buying out the

7-11 shelf of IUD’s.

 

And I’d always drive 400 miles just to loan her account 400 bucks

Gotta make sure the ATM won’t overdraw

So she won’t wind up SOL

 

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Spot her balance 400 bucks

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

Da Da Dun Dun

So she won’t wind up SOL

 

Ooooooooooookkkkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to bring sanity and order to a plot that has wandered off into Milford Natural Area. I don’t think it’s feeding time for the leopards yet. Anyway, take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Zenyatta Mondatta was a country on Mr. Baxendale’s head, next to ___________________”

 

As long as the soap opera is going from “Days of Our Lives” to “Another World” to “General Hospital” to “One Live to Live”, leap-frogging to “Dallas” to “Falcon Crest” in the same hour on the same channel (feel sorry for the sponsors) ,  I’d like some verification if you wouldn’t mind.

It’s a reasonable assumption that any dad only wants the best for his daughter and that’s really the gist of Mrs. Baxendale’s conversation (she’s married to the equivalent of J. R. Ewing, after all) . What’s NOT reasonable is the conversation protruding from Hadley Viniculum in P2. I never talk about my personal life with ONE lawyer, much less 400 of them. Nope, not gonna divulge to 400 Perry Masons who I’m gonna marry next or what I ate at the school cafeteria in the 3rd grade. If you’re gonna work out your life ahead of you and we’re gonna assume (I’M gonna assume anyway) it’s gonna be with Jaquan, it’s really unnecessary to call The Shark. Unless you run into each other in the bathroom because he slipped on a bar of soap and his butt crushes your face, well, yeah, I’d call 1-FON-THE_JAWS. Then it would be a horse of a different color.

“The Case of the Milford Moto-Lodge Capers”.

Boy, what channel is Perry Mason on? And right after Dobie Gillis?

 

Your only dad? Hadley Vector, at last count, and here I’m speaking biologically, you really only have one of them. I’m sure you can dig up in your Star Trek video collection an episoed where Dr. McCoy told Captain Kirk that the former was the father of the latter even though the latter also had a dad in Oelwein, Iowa who worked as a farmer when he wasn’t moonlighting as a factory worker and, oh yeah, that one in Visalia, California who’s been a career census worker, oh shoot, I forgot about the one in Bennington, Vermont who works the National Forest collecting specimens for Williams College and, oh yeah…

 

If ya have to call 400 injury lawyers cuz the crossing guard at the railroad didn’t function right cuz the squirrels escaped from the contraption pullin’ the crossing guard cuz they seen some walnuts on the ground and the Milford & Oakwood ran over yore pickup truck and they’re gonna have to ampyatate yore right leg and yore truck bed at Milford General, ya might be a redneck.

 

THE PLAY-DOH FACE IS BACK IN P3!!!!!!!!! That’s right, he was Lou Grant yesterday, today he’s Chief O’Hara, relaxing before he has to call on the Batphone that is sitting there on the counter in the kitchen. Get out of the way, Mrs. Baxendale, The Joker and his gang are holding the 400 lawyers hostage at Hadley Virgo’s office.

And if that’s not the Batphone, WHAT IS IT? Talk about Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. This one takes the cake. And maybe that’s literally. Of course, when you’re done lapping up all the Betty Crocker Butternut Cake Mix, ya gotta store the rest of the batter SOMEWHERE. Can’t use the fridge. Don’t put in it in the Salt and Pepper rack. And don’t even THINK of storing it in the cupboard next to the Minute Rice. I think we’ve nailed this one.

And when Rubber Face is done reading the sports section in the Kanamit Plain Dealer, maybe he’ll listen to his wife. And maybe we’ll find out what’s eatin’ him.

“They wouldn’t let Jaquan referee that 7-on-7 scrimmage? My daughter fought the State High School Athletic Association over his eligibility. NBA players only had to have a score of 75 on the State Exam.”

Well, I had to take a stab. I’ll narrow this one down. Promise.

 

“Honey, come to bed. You can read the Vulcan Times for another day.”

“But there’s an interesting article on Dr. Spock’s virginity. He hasn’t had sex on another dimension at all. The planet Ganymede was barren in more ways than one.”

“I can take you to Jupiter if you’ll give me a chance. Let me inflate you the way I inflate my face.”

“It says it takes 76 light years before he could copulate with a Vulcanette. She could buy Mary Kay Cosmetics from her Mary Kay sales lady from Deneb in the meantime. He was shooting at Darth Vader while trying to work up an orgasm.  God, no wonder why he never could get it on.”

“But I’m right here. You can get it on in 2 seconds.”

“Um, let me call Hadley V. one more time. I just want to make sure they’re sleeping in separate bunks, she on top and he on the bottom. I’d hate to hear they ruined the Holiday Inn towels because the relationship was top-heavy.”

“Darling, it’s 1:00AM. I’m sure they’re sound asleep and the bunks are at a proper angle. Even though they’re probably snuggled up in the same bunk.”

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! The whole damn thing will collapse and cause an earthquake in Milford. They wouldn’t dare sleep together in the top bunk!!!!!!!! That’s why you don’t put Red Sovine and his semi’s on the top branch of a redwood!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I’m sure they slept on the bottom. And we need to sleep on the bottom too. In this Serta.”

“You don’t put a Serta on a redwood either!!!!!!!!!! The grizzlies might sleep in it and where would my daughter stay for the night???????”

“Darling, are you flat AS a bunk bed?”

 

“There was no two ways about it. I had to confront my daughter’s future and my own future with my sexuality. And when I climbed down from the redwood after wrestling with the devil and a grizzly for my Blessing, I went to Milford Men’s Clinic. With treatment programs that will make my sexual life taller than Jaquan and with proven medications sure to inflate matters bigger than my wife’s face when she gets puffed up herself when at the County Jail Snack Bar in a mother-daughter tete-a-tete, I feel like a new man again. Lou Grant with an attitude. Come see for yourself at Milford Men’s Clinic. What have you got to lose except your virginity?”

 

Comment away. I’m checking out all the deals Rural King has on the planet Io. I need a riding mower. The grass is getting brown on my lawn on the planet Mars.

 

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Almost Loses Arm At Milford Petting Zoo!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Was trying to caress a croc when it was munching on jowl bacon at feeding time.”

 

 

 

 

And I always walk 400 miles just to give this plot 400 barbs

Can we just forget the summer now

If it were beer, it’d have only 400 carbs

 

Da Da Dun Dun…

July 23, 2019

Whose Life Is It Anyway?

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Golf plot in your pocket

Lipstick in your hand

Dine with the Rockefellers

You’re now the 21st-Century Man

 

Family can’t afford it

Brie and wine too dear

But you will pay for dinner

Jaquan will foot the beer

 

Tho you ride on the wheels of tomorrow

You still wander this plot of sorrow

What will it bring?

 

And I won’t lie, being a Christian, I’m not enthralled about the living arrangement in P1 or overall. I think responsibility does come into play in ANY relationship.

That said, at least the scenery so far has been G-rated. Sure, Fred and Wilma may be shacked up at the Bedrock Moto-Lodge before Wilma V. Baxendale becomes Wilma V. Flintstone (or V. Baxendale-Flintstone if she wants to carry on the family name and still enjoy being married to a guy who will work at the Bedrock Quarry when he’s not slam-dunking for Generic NBA Lakers or Celtics) but Fred isn’t walking around the motel grounds in his boxers to get ice at the ice machine. Not that that would be sexy to watch a civilized caveman or Jaquan, you decide, be casual spending $2.00 at the Coke machine for a Sprite. And then there’s his mother-in-, correction, FUTURE mother-in-law. She keeps this G-rated if only to retain matters on the level aesthetically

“Wiiillllllmmmmaaaaa, have you seen a towel? I just got out of the shower. Damn, you see so many Holiday Inn towels in people’s bathrooms. Hell, Rubble’s got a collection of ’em to wipe his ass with when he runs out of Charmin, but there ain’t one hangin’ on the towel rack here? Call room service and-”

“FRED FLINTSTONE!!!!!!!!!! This isn’t the Men’s dorm at Bedrock State!!!!!!!! And buy some new Hanes!!!!!!!!!!!! The Bedrock Costco has a BOGO sale this week!!!!!!!!!! You have paint stains all over them!!!!!!!!!!! Take those holey drawers and throw them in the trash before the maid comes to clean up!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I love my mother-in-law, I love my mother-in-law…”

 

And today’s post will be accompanied by Electric Light Orchestra’s “21st-Century Man.” I have always loved ELO, they just led a hit parade from “Evil Woman”, “Strange Magic”, “Livin’ Thing”, and “Hold on Tight”, the last song off the same album as “21st-Century Man”, Time. They keep playing these tunes and others on the Muzak channels. Timeless.

 

And so after Jaquan finished his Run-to-the-North-Pole-and-back routine (“Hadley, I just set a PB!!!!!!!!!!!!!”) , Jaquan gets in his suit he bought on lay-away at Milford Big ‘n’ Tall and by dingies, he pulls a Foghorn Leghorn and utters a funny. Let’s listen.

“You know how many roller skates Daddy Warbucks retains in his closet?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t either but Milford Skate-o-Rama will receive quite a haul bequeathed from his will when he chokes on the Chablis on the table that is actually Palmolive.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

“Oh, Madge, you sure Milford Valley Dom Perignon Vintage 1897 Maraschino Cherry Boulevard du Reves Rompu is non-abrasive and good for washing the dishes and serving later at the Bridge Club meeting?”

“Hell, you’re soaking in it.”

“I didn’t know you could cuss in a ’60’s daytime commercial.”

“This is Thorpiverse. Think of Lobachevsky’s Theorem and you can make an equilateral triangle into The Rat Patrol.”

 

If ya cain’t leave th’ friendly confines o’ Milford and inn-dolge in all them thar fancy-shmancy rest’rants in Central City and dine with th’ new-voh ree-chees cuz ya couldn’t jump yore pickup truck cuz jumpin’ thuh batt’rey might set off an uh-tomic explosion not even th’ Manhattan Project kin corral, ya might be a redneck.

 

Talking over problems

While playing a game of chess

Plates arranged as a pawn chain

The middle piece a bowl of kress

 

Where will Jaquan play next

It’s part of a Master Plan

The family’s enduring needless worry

She’s now the 21st-Century Man

 

Tho your clueless on where he’ll play tomorrow

You won’t live in a gutter of sorrow

Income with no strings

 

And since we ARE in Central City, playing along with the bit of emphatic tone that Thorpiverse brings to another Rockville on the map, it’s leaving me hanging. As in what’s in the water in Central City that’s NOT in Milford? Yeah, I know, Milford Exterminating Experts could do a better job of snuffing out the roaches at the Milford Country Club, especially at the diner and the bathrooms. It would kill anybody’s appetite to munch on a Grilled Fromage et Tomates Sandwich avec Le Vin Blanche while something’s scurrying across the grill.

But The Central City Chateau (“Fine Exquisite Dining in the middle of Hicktown”, their motto) may have gotten a thumbs up and a 5-star rating from the American Automobile Association but I’m seeing flaws in its evaluation.

Take the window, for example. Did the person doing the evaluating have to fight through that permanent lightning bolt in the window while trying to see if you could see Milford Valley or Mt. Milford on a clear day? And what was he eating? Rice Chex? Ravioli e Uovos Frescos Cacciatore? A lump of coal? Sometimes Anthracite can affect your judgment looking out THAT window.

Then there’s the table. What could the evaluator have been thinking? Did he get intoxicated from the Egg Plant Souffle dipped in Beer Nuts when trying to figure out the M.C. Escher pattern? Picnic table hocked from the Central City Softball Complex and hope nobody notices by throwing a few of Granny Clampett’s quilts on top or King James I version of the Bible because he couldn’t fathom all the ancient Greek beveled edge job? The picture of Bill Wither’s grandson in the foreground isn’t helping the perspective.

Then there’s the pieces on the board, I mean, plates on the table. C’mon, Mr. Evaluator, what’d they get out of Central City Creek in terms of corningware that they couldn’t get out of Mudlark Lake? I’ve seen several pieces of fine china being dragged out of the lagoon, thank you very much. No sensible person would stoop low in Milford to eat his or her Beanie Wienie’s at the Milford Country Club off of paper plates. Milford has culture too, y’know. Since when did Central City corner the market on the Sistine Chapel? Oh, I forgot, you can’t see it behind the Central City Gas ‘n’ Goodies, it’s blocked off by the mighty hand of Thor in the window.

 

Ooooooookkkkkkkk, nothing like Gene Rayburn to get things back on track. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that streak in the window was a picture of Mr. Baxendale’s ________________.”

 

Gang, I’m gonna say it. Can I say it? Go on and say it, T. Drew, and quit wasting people’s time.

The artwork in P2 is PITIFUL.

If Central City Chateau is the shit around their Hicktown metropolis, why’d they have to steal gigantic flapjacks from the Milford IHOP? Discussing something as semi-urgent over a plate of a mutant Eggo waffle? Covered by Aunt Jemima and an aluminum covering? Like George and Louise Jefferson, we’re movin’ on up. With wine and glasses of Aquafina to complement the haute cuisine. I’m just workin’ up an appetite.

And evidently, Mrs. Baxendale has a voracious one at that, given her propensity at stabbing her pancake with a steely knife. It doesn’t look like you can kill this beast of a pancake but Mrs. Baxendale is trying. I’ll give her that. If and when she hits paydirt, it will surely add another chin or two to her Etch-a-Sketch conglomerate on the lower part of her face.

And while Mr. Baxendale is kibbutzing the Queen’s Gambit Accepted, has anybody noticed that he went from Ed Asner to Murray Slaughter, all with the grace and aplomb of a few deft strokes in the makeup room? Surely not Hadley Virtual Plot’s makeup room? Oh, well, as long as Jaquan and Hadley Virgin were sleeping in separate beds, it’s OK.

STILL, this is pretty confusing, Shakertown Revisited notwithstanding. At least Jaquan has his chastity belt on and his bald head has been consistent, Herman Munster meets Mr. Clean. Chaste behavior at its finest.

Would you pass the Karo, Mr. Slaughter?

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Treating Out-of-Town Dignitaries To Night On The Town At MCC!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“‘Card maxed out so Cochrane covered the rest.”

 

And just to tie up a few loose ends (Oh joy oh joy) , I just thought of something. That’s not Gavin MacLeod as Murray Slaughter. The huge crack in the window is blocking the view of the Adriatic Sea and that’s Gavin MacLeod as the Captain of The Love Boat. I was thrown off by Herman Munster’s hand he’s using to raise his wine glass as a toast but you weren’t going to fool THIS Twimer for very long.

And it’s a Love Boat episode. Jaquan and Hadley Venezia (hush, they’re in the Adriatic Sea, close enough) are going to rent out a $10,000 Luxury Suite with faucets that spout out dolphins and soapy water, good when you want to watch Flipper on Nick at Nite and take a shower, and wine made from grapes stomped on right in the living room (And they’ll even clean the mess.) , AND a bed made from the finest wool that Odysseus and his men used when they escaped Polyphemus.

They’ll trash each other and use each other and Jaquan won’t even have to employ the services of the Milford Men’s Clinic. But the Captain will intervene and tell them that the episode only lasts an hour and that not only are they violating good taste, they’re running over into Fantasy Island. Point well-taken. Opening the door after a quickie to get a quick bite to eat at the ship’s snack bar and confronting Ricardo Montalban and some midget shouting “The plane!!!!! The plane!!!!!!!” would make me want to grab that mutant poplar plant off the table in self-defense. Gotta do what ya gotta do.

Finally, Ricardo and The Captain will convince them to get married, that they’ll have plenty to cover them financially the rest of their lives, the midget will perform the ceremony, the passengers from The Love Boat and Fantasy Island will be in attendance, Barry Manilow’s “Looks Like We Made It” will blare out over the episode and they’ll ride off into the sunset with the credits reeling off at the end of the episode.

Then they’ll trash each other again.

 

Because I really don’t comprehend these injury lawyers trying to project a “We wear blue jeans in the office” image

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh my God!!!!!!!!!! There goes my hand. Quick, get out and get it before the light turns green and that Freightliner runs it over!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No problem. Somebody needs to get on the cell phone and call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“I was a fork lift driver for Milford Foundry and without my hand, I’d be out of a job. No way I could stack pallets and pallets of pig iron while driving with one hand. It would take weeks to sew my hand back together and go through the rehab as a result. who would pay the bills? Who would take care of my hospitalization?”

 

“Hi, I’m Joe Sharkey with Sharkey Law office. If you’ve been injured in an accident, you need piece of mind. And I’m here to get you to that El Dorado of a worry-free financial situation.

Once you step into our office, you will be put immediately at ease. Our receptionist shows up a lot of times in a thong bikini or sometimes in her birthday suit. Me, I like to kick back in my Fruit of the Looms while filing a claim. The insurance companies fear a man who takes off his pants to get comfortable in that air-conditioned lobby.

We guide you through your rights while we pick up the doggy doo from our pets we brought in. In fact, we encourage our clients to bring THEIR pets to our office. Somebody once brought in their pet giraffe. Hey, if it can clear the door, we’re geared to prepare a winning case against our opponents. Justice is always a different animal.

And we always keep the out house in the rear of our office in excellent running condition. No cobwebs on the door while you’re taking a dump. If we’re going to fight the insurance companies on our terms, running water and Orkin are a must.”

 

“I felt at ease the minute I stepped into the place. I sat down on a seat cushion that covered the receptionist’s fart stains and me and The Shark got right down to business. And I walked away from the office with a great deal of satisfaction. Later, when I got a generous check from The Shark, I had no problem with giving him his 20%, rip in the crotch or no rip in the crotch. He could buy 20 pairs of Haggar slacks at Milford Men’s Wearhouse with his percentage. And I could FINALLY return to work, able to shake his hand, even after he’d wiped himself after a trip to the out house. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard the man. Don’t let the insurance companies bilk you out of house and home. Let the people who can throw an orgy at Christmas time better than Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club show you how you can get compensation for your injuries. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today.”

 

Gang, comment to your heart’s content. I think Granny Clampett and Herman Munster are making their point LOUD AND CLEAR in P3, don’t you? I think they’ll have several more quickies, sure, but Herman can work for Roadway. Gavin forgets retirement from sports is not death. You just gotta pass your A License exam. Piece of cake.

 

Granny with her white streak

Herman with his tan

They’ll both head off to Paradise

She’s now the 21st-Century Man

 

Tho you ride on this plot that you borrowed

You still ramble the fields with much sorrow

OH THE SORROW

21st-Century Mannnnnnnnnnnnnn

21st Century Mannnnnnnnnnnnnn

21st Century Mannnnnnnnnnnnnn…..

 

“No problemo. We can stick your water buffalo out back and let him wallow in the pool. Now, how’d the Baylor semi mash your leg?”

July 18, 2019

“We Now Return To ‘Golf Of Remembrance Past-Slash-Football Follies’, Here On A & E.”

07182019

Outside of Gil doing a publicity pose for Milford Today like he’s doing in P3, we probably won’t see much more golf the rest of the Summer.

But we WILL see Hadley Villain, Upstart Injury Lawyer-slash-Questionable Newlywed strain to see if her right arm will ever display a bicep. You go, Girl. Put some Alpo in the bowl and you might feel a bump in that right appendage any day now.

Does Thorpiverse honestly think we’re gonna get bowled over at Trey’s Diner-slash-Greasy Spoon But Nowhere Near Like The Bucket-slash-A Couple of Nautilus Machines Does Not Gold’s Gym Make-slash-Really Oughta Be A Spare Bedroom?

Now we’ve taken all that we can possibly take from As The Summer Turns Our Stomach. We’ve seen the golf plot not even be a golf plot, getting shanked in the lake and now we’re having to take a drop as a result.

And, Lord have mercy, we are witnessing Thorpiverse gerrymander a plot by looking the other way in the name of creating an interesting scenario that’s supposed to be emanating from the Football Plot-slash-2 Months Premature by playing Tiki Jansen-slash-Ineligible Means Ineligible.

And as long as we’re going to skirt the rules of eligibility and common sense, will somebody please remind Cover Like An Allstate Insurance Policy-slash-Burnt Eggo Waffle Jansen that he DOES need to keep his head out of his butt while he’s moping The School Board Blues and eking out a poor rendition of “Dust My Broom”? While he and Elmore James are on the 50-yard line moaning off that sad guitar that James is deftly plucking, the 3rd-string tight end just waltzed in the end zone with his own music, “Tuxedo Junction” from another segment of Lawrence Welk Remembers.

Come to Butt Drugs in Corydon, Indiana for all your pharmaceutical needs and so much more. They have an excellent soda fountain counter that is ALWAYS busy, not to mention some neat gifts for all occasions. I have found the place a great place to shop whether you’re a tourist or you’re a local in the area. They fill all your prescriptions at reasonable prices and they have free parking in the rear of the store. I can see why this place has been around for several decades. Come in and see what I mean and get a coke or an ice cream from the counter while you’re doing it.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everybody knows your name.

And getting back to Hadley Vector Arms, okay, she could play a little basketball and I sympathized with her plight about Girls Basketball getting railroaded when it was painfully clear that it had a place on the stage, probably more so than Boys Basketball. What I like about my college team, the Women’s Basketball team hoops in the same building as the Men’s Basketball team, unlike many other universities that relegate Women’s Basketball to sideshow status and a crackerbox gym.

But, damn, that don’t mean you’re Miss Universe. You get on the Nordic Track machine by the door leading into Trey’s secret toilet, the same one he used to flush steroids down the drain when the Milford Police knocked at the front door, and you pump those calves and triceps while you’re slaving over a case brief involving Milford Foundry’s rezoning dispute with the Milford Neighborhood Association over a piece of property that could potentially harbor a smelting operation dealing with titanium and plastic at the expense of environmental issues (“Whew!!!!!!! Those Hefty Trash Bags are a bit strong today!!!!!!!!!!!”) , and you think you have a right to show up in the back flap of a Little Lotta Comix along with Charles Atlas? Get real.

The wimpy weight room that made a man out of Hadley Venom

Hadley Venom in P1 has issues with the weights

“Damn, Trey, this cafeteria tray of 10 pounders ain’t squat. And where’d you get that pulley for the pec machine? I could pull those weights towards my boobs with a toothpick. I won’t win the Milford Row Boat Marathon with those training wheels.”

“Look, I’d kick sand in your face if my Living Room-slash-Body Building Bonanza had any and I’d conk you over the head with that megaton pumping bar in the corner but it’s not under warranty and besides, you’d blow up and dry away.”

Later that evening while Jaquan is practicing at Mildord Lighted Outdoor Courts with Mikey and Pippen

“GODDAMIT!!!!!!!!! I’LL GET TREY AND HIS KINDERGARTEN GYM!!!!!!!!!! ALL RIGHT, I’LL GAMBLE JAQUAN’S STOCKHOLDER’S CHECK AND CASH IT AT MILFORD FEDERAL AND THEN SEND OFF FOR CHARLES ATLAS’ RISK-FREE, MONEY-BACK PROGRAM!!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE!!!!!!!!!”

Later in P1

“(WHAM!!!!!!!!!!) Are you still around!!!!!! Get outta here and get a real job (BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This ain’t a tumor growing outta my arm, pal (BODY SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Next time you change the laundry room into a weightlifter’s paradise, (BATMAN BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , don’t buy your weights at Rural King (JOKER SHOVED IN TREY’S TOILET BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Hey, I’m borrowing a stamp from my dad at his business. I want results just like Hadley the Victorious.

If ya do 50 reps of bench press with yore bloodhound and yore able ta git a Body by Jake and git all th’ fleas ‘n’ tics ‘n’ tapeworms offa yore Man’s best friend simol-TAIN-ee-us-lee, ya might be a redneck.

And we see Pez Top up close, showing off her speed bump, tryin’ to sound like one of the guys by asking if Jaquan needs a spotter. Believe me, there’s a lot of Miss Universe’s out there that deserve to ask that question, even if they never won that portion of the competition. And again, Hadley V. deserves respect for her solid contribution to basketball.

But since when did she just jump in the fire and pull a Heather Burns on us and start TALKING like Jake the Body? Ever heard the term PAY YOUR DUES Thorpiverse or Hadley Veneer? I’ll field the answer from either one of you. I don’t think I’ll be fielding an answer any time in the near future.

Oh Mighty Body Building Queen From The Amenhotep Era When He Was Entombed Under The Sphinx Because He Threw Out His Back Doing Squats, you impress us with your knowledge. You knew Jaquan couldn’t Military Press the WDIG building without a spotter. Wow, with lingo like that in your head, you could go places. Like nowhere, f’rinstance.

Isn’t Hadley Venom and her newfound weightlifting wisdom like Benedict Arnold trying to tell Pearl Harbor how to ward off the attack?  Don’t know ’boutchoo, but I wouldn’t trust somebody who’s already betrayed his country, especially when he’s got a Pepe Le Pew streak in his hairdo. I’d be calling the President.

“This is a day that will live in infamy. Mr. Arnold will have to change hairstylists as a result.”

Nope, if they don’t remove that highway median stripe from their hair, I ain’t gonna listen to their advice on how to proceed with Iwo Jima. They’ll just have to shave their head, thank you very much.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.-slash-Jack the Ripper To Remove Bar Bells From Basement Valued At Thousands And Thousands Of Dollars!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My football days are over. I want to build a karaoke bar. There’s enough plywood in the back yard.”

 

So after Jaquan gets done with his second set of curling the Milford High School wrestling mats and taking a jog around the boroughs of Queens and Brooklyn, he really should be dome in time so he doesn’t have to break his dinner date with Hadley Victor Mature in the Sampson Role at Milford Lounge. The Milford Lounge gives a customer 30 minutes before they have to cancel the reservation. But unless there’s a traffic jam on the Brooklyn Bridge, Jaquan should be able to sprint to Shea Stadium and hop in his car, no problem.

 

And I just happen to notice this. Maybe it’s because I’m Gil-blind, one notch below Legally Blind but did Thorpiverse forget to put the finishing touches on Hadley Visage’s visage? Otherwise, what is the purpose of the John-Boy Walton splotch on her face? No better way to improve upon the Bazooka Joe artwork than to leave a spot on her face she got when you spilled a bit of your Sanka.

“Oops!!!!!!!!!! Damn, where’s a Bounty…sayyyyyyyy, not bad.”

Pez Top with a Rorscharch, that’ll liven up the Bubble Gum Comix collection. Bazooka Joe who hangs around with one of his buddies who got a hickey from his dog. Man, I’m just full of ideas. What was the name of the address to send to Bazooka Joe? And I got to send two box tops also, right? Or was it three?

“Lassie, have you been giving John-Boy hickeys again?”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Rin Tin Tin? He says Benji and you are in on a ring.”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Okay, girl. I’ll tell Mom that Benji gave one to Grandpa Walton. And that you made a special guest appearance on Cannon. That would make sense. You’d catch the bank robbers out of Milford Mutual before that lard-butt would.”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“They’re putting William Conrad on an Ultra Slim Fast diet?”

RUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I don’t like White Chocolate shakes either, girl.”

 

Because I don’t know why I got “Did you mean DON ZIMMER?” when I was looking up Donna Summer

“Heeeeeerrrreeessshhhhhhh Leon Durham wiiiisshhhhhh the bassseshhhhhhes loaded. Boy o Boy, I’d like to get a long one wissshhhhhhh shatttttttt wind blowing out. Say ‘Hello’ to Gil and Mimi from Milford, Iowa. They’re shhheeellllleebrating their 60th wedding aniverssshhhherrryy. They’re lisssshhhhennnninggggggg in on WDIG, home of the Mudlaaaaarrrkkkksssshhhhhhh.”

“Harry, Manager Don Zimmer is doing the moonwalk in the 3rd base box while ‘She Works Hard for the Money’ is blaring over the speakers. With a 3 and 0 count, I gotta believe The Bull has the green light. Zimmer did the splits the other day while ‘MacArthur Park’ was playing and The Penguin was at the plate. Gotta believe with that wind whistling toward the Hancock Tower that The Bull needs to look for something fat to crank.”

I tried to hold back, Robmize, I honestly tried.

 

Let me start off the last leg of this post by saying that the utmost STUPIDEST question in the world in the last 24 hours has to have escaped Gil’s lips in P3. Gil, just because Captain Kangaroo walks up to you does not mean that he needs work on his short game. Really, do you assume that Mr. Green Jeans or Richie Cunningham  need  work with their putting every time they have a $15 Pepsi in their hand? How do you know Mr. Green Jeans might have something else on his mind? Maybe Mr. Moose just had surgery on his gluteus maximus from all that sitting with The Captain and Mr. Green Jeans just needs somebody to unload on about Mr. Moose’s recovery options.

“The doctor says he can sit on his butt in a week or two. He’ll have to take aspirin twice a day and lie on his belly in a heat lamp in the interim. He’ll get a nice tan, anyway.”

 

And where ELSE would ANYONE look for Gil in the month of July???????? The logo on his shirt says it all. Do you see IBM or Coca-Cola or an icon from The Man from Glad?????? Well?????? The 3 Bears from Charmin Bath Tissue??????

“Thanks, Bears. The Port-o-Let on #8 ran out of toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with these sycamore tree shards. Glad you came by in the golf cart.”

 

I mean, really, there was no need for Hadley Venereal Disease to look anywhere else. Gil was not in a barrel rolling down Niagara Falls. He was not in the Sahara with The French Foreign Legion. It was not necessary to call Encyclopedia Brown and pop a quarter on the gas can and find out that Gil was teaching Bugs Meany how to rotate his hips when teeing off while Bugs Meany was pick-pocketing Gil’s wallet and hair. Wasn’t necessary to call Joe Friday and Bill Gannon as they were on assignment to investigate Tod Andrews’ child pornography allegations anyway.

GANG WHERE ELSE WOULD GIL BE IN THE MONTH OF JULY EVEN WHEN THE GOLF SEASON HAS BEEN TANKED IN THE NAME OF INTRAMURAL TOUCH FOOTBALL

I’ll let you fill in the blank.

Oh, and Hadley-slash-V-slash-Carol Burnett wannabe is trying to make a funny. Well, let’s humor the female Foghorn Leghorn, shall we?

“Gil, do you know what you get when you depose Tiki and ship his ass back to New Thayer to get his ass kicked once again by the Jets?”

“I give up.”

“A defensive half back.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Gang, comment away. I’m serious, I don’t think a search party for Gil was necessary.

 

Today’s Special Edition of the Milford Enquirer

“Bill Gates No Longer 2nd-Richest Man In The World!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Hadley Vixen finalizes deal with the TimberWolves. Jaquan will get added incentives including a no-trade clause.”

 

From the MCC sound system permeating the 18 hole course

 

Sittin’ here, eatin’ my heart waitin’

Waitin’ for some lover to call…

 

Lookin’ for some hot stuff, baby this evenin’

I need some hot stuff, baby tonight

I want some hot stuff, baby this even9in’

Gotta have some hot stuff

Gotta have some love tonight

 

“Gil, did you get that Bucket Liquor License faxed off to Don Zimmer? He’s part owner in the place, you know.”

“He only has 1/10 stock from where I’m teeing off.”

“Tell his lawyers that. They’re teeing off right behind us.”

 

 

That’s-slash-all-slash-Folks!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

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