This Week in Milford

April 6, 2019

In Which Linda Channels Her Inner Pete Seeger

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They say at Milford High School
There are no neutrals there.
You’ll either be a Mudlark girl
Or worn out and pull your hair.

Ya know what’s worse than robmize complaining about the Cubs’ bullpen turning into the Nationals’ bullpen? The Nationals’ bullpen still being the Nationals’ bullpen! But yeah, it’s been some rocky going for our respective teams a week into the season.

Speaking of rocky going, what’s the Vegas line on Linda and David’s relationship lasting through baseball and softball season? Something’s gotta give and odds are it’ll be the dating that goes first. Nobody likes being called a hypocrite even if they are being a hypocrite, so that’s a nail in this relationship’s coffin. I guess one thing Milford has going for it is that it’s not the Canadian universe of For Better or for Worse, in which everyone was doomed to marry their childhood sweethearts. Still, that might’ve given us some hockey action and made the synchronized skating thing a bit less contrived.

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April 5, 2019

Oh Lord. Kumbaya.

Filed under: lessons learned, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 9:42 pm

Back at it after 2 weeks off and .. are we Still on the ‘Reasons Why Individuals Couldnt Make a Meaningless Scrimmage That Is Tearing The Team Apart’..?

This strip has been a lot like the Cubs season so far, of which I witnessed the opening series in Texas.  They were completely dominant in the opener, so much so that almost everyone was predicting a sweep; writers, fans of both sides, even the mascot. And it has gone extremely downhill since then, a plethora of Ranger home runs and assorted extra base hits leading to a series win for the home side, (who knew the Cub bullpen would turn into the Nationals’?) and continuing in Atlanta and Milwaukee with even more horrid baseball;  the day after I got home they played perhaps their worst game in my lifetime, committing 6 errors while also getting shut out, which hadnt happened since the summer of ’65, pre-Rob.  (The Rennie Stennett 7-for-7 22-0 Pirate drubbing in 1975 would be the runner-up).

Hey, theyre giving up more runs then the Bears gave up points last season, or it seems like it.

Well we always start off with a promising new storyline every season (wow we have a girls story!), and then it quickly turns into a suckfest, and here we go again with the endless whining by all the girls (3 more panels of this??) about why they couldnt play in a scrimmage that we never saw, and over analysis of the various girls other lives outside of softball, until a month goes by and we havent played a game yet. P2 has a player with an exclamation point on her jersey, bringing to mind the Riddler in Batman with his question mark

Image result for Riddler in Batman

And finally the dopey male in the story falls for Mollys assertion that they all sang Kumbaya. At least someone looks dumb besides Rubin/Whigham.

April 4, 2019

The Dumbness Of It All

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Are we STILL in this powwow caterwauling about our personal reasons why we didn’t make scrimmage which I think Mimi scheduled about the time they elected the last Pope? Do we really honestly have to keep harping on our petty differences and keep wasting 3 panels per day and watch several Sysiphus’s keep pushing that boulder up the hill, only to find out we have 3 MORE panels to push the boulder on and then learn we could be thrown 3 panels at a time and the damn rock is still in the gym at the half court line? Thank God, Mimi didn’t schedule the end of the year Sports Banquet. Did Sisyphus ever try to push a humongous MVP trophy up a hill?

Gang, before I go any further, a HUGE apology to y’all because I have been trying like Hell all day to get this published and my phone kept erasing the work. As you can see, it took a while to get to where I could publish anything. I wouldn’t blame if you don’t want to read any further but if you do, I will ’til my dying days try to get this damn problem fixed. It is no fun having Eureka! moments, only to watch the phone wipe them away (fortunately I wrote it all down, something good comedians do, as my dad has taught       me) . Thank you for your patience. Your readership in a over a year of publishing means the world to me.

Isn’t Nancy beating a dead Mr. Horse in the ground????????

“Nope, she’s running the ticker tape out into center field. I’ll have to use the vacuum. I don’t think I like getting the extension cord and plugging it into the outlet in the scoreboard. I don’t like it one bit.”

OK, OK, Nancy, Diff’rent Strokes for Diff’rent Folks. We gotta live together. P2 is a good embodiment of that. I’ve listened to the same Sly & The Family Stone album you have. Now will you turn off your Close ‘n’ Play and Puh-LEEEASSSSEEEE get your ass out on the field and play ball???????????

By gum, we’re still in the Milford Mall after having danced to “All Over the World”. Are we waiting for an encore?????? No, Nancy, I don’t think Guy Lombardo and his Orchestra are going to appear to play the same song, I’m doubtin’ he has the same technology as Jeff Lynne, ditto, Lawrence Welk. Mitch Miller? And those acoustics that sounded like they were singing straight from the commode? Fuhgetaboutit.

I just mentioned Jacqueline Susann and her band of Merry Valley of the Dolls in a tongue-in-cheek manner, thinking,well, it IS a sports strip, Major League Baseball just started the season, and there was action at the beginning of the arc.

But Susann can go to Midas and read through several articles in National Geographic (“Milford at a Crossroads.”) in the waiting room  before all her calipers and brake pads are fixed and still have time to spare, maybe go to the Milford Majestic to catch “Mary Poppins for the Saturday Matinee (all seats, $4.00, free unbuttered popcorn) , before Valley of the Dolls concludes the Mini-Series. God, hope there’s not a sequel. And she might have just enough time to do a guest appearance on Holly wood Squares, assuming her agent gives the green light.

Linda and Nancy will surely kiss and make up and Linda will make the final cut for the Olympic Volleyball team and Nancy will have polished her act before performing Synchronized Kung Fu at Carnegie Hall (“Everybody was Kung Fu fighting HAAAAA!!!!!!!…”) .

EVERYBODY ALL AROUND THE WORLLLDDDDDD

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I JUST HEARD—

“GIL!!!!!!!!!! Get those teenagers away from the pool and tell them to leave!!!!!!!!! And get your ass in bed!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honnneeeeeyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! The doctor said this is good physical therapy on  my back.”

As we continue our tour of the Milford Museum of Fine Arts, we approach a painting recovered out of the property across the street from The Bucket, a lost entry from Picasso called “Diana Ross-One Day, We’ll Be Together”. No truer words could be uttered.  She simply never mentioned that she was forced to use Elmer’s Glue to prove her point.

Now the challenge is to figure out the rest of the anatomy and if you can match limbs to torso, apply at your nearest med school. They need you.

“…Catwoman at the rodeo with The Joker on a double date with The Riddler and Totie Fields??????”

“Gil, just because SHE got 30,000 hits, doesn’t mean YOU’D get the same result…”

All righty then, if you’re through playing Jenga, your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to figure out how Nancy rolls gutter balls publishing articles about Batgirl’s sex life. I’m sure it draws some interest but 30,000????? If there was an episode  about The Joker dumping alum in Batman’s Bucket Full o’ Cheerios while Robin is chowing down on a Bucket Sub, designed to give Batman the runs and Erectile Dysfunction so bad you’d  no longer see that bulge you used to see when Adam West donned the costume and there’d be no hope of little Batmans running around the Bat Cave, sporting bulges of their own, the episode would score big on the Nielsen ratings, I’m sure, but nowhere NEAR “Who Shot J.R.?” proportions. Nancy, it’d be in your best interests to adjust the numbers a tad.

So I don’t look like a wet blanket and rain on Nancy’s parade, so Batgirl calls the Green Lantern for a weekend retreat and because she’s lonely and she just has had a thing for phallic symbols painted green so she’s gotta have that Green Thang when they hit Mudlark Lake Resort. Sure, it makes a unique romance novel storyline but doubt any President of the United States really has any interest. Nope, don’t think Eisenhower would take the bait, much less use his influence to get 30,000 other people to read it.

Wonder Woman saving the Milford Gymnasium from Lex Luthor’s Gigantic X-Ray Machine is catchy but 30,000 sitting on the edge of their seats wondering if they’ll have open gym tomorrow is inflating the figures somewhat. You might squeeze another 5,000 if that same ray gun is aimed at The Bucket (“I’ll have the Bucket 3-Bean Salad and Apple Fries—GET DOWN!!!!!!!! LUTHOR’S POINTING HIS GUN RIGHT AT YOUR BUCKET PEACH COBBLER!!!!!!!!!!!”) but let’s not confuse Nancy’s “Let Me Roll Female Superheroes to You” with “Great Expectations”. One’s a classic and I’ll let you do the math on that one.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.: ‘I Didn’t Use No Gloves This Time!!!!!!!!! Me And Batgirl Are Completely On The Level!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!! IN THE NAME OF LOVEEEEEE

BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEAR——

“Girl, is there ANY way you can get your foot offa my spinal column???????? Hard to turn to the right at the bridge of the song.”

Kevin Wright of Louisville, Kentucky, you do a GREAT job of taking care of the customer at the Pizza Hut in St. Matthews, Kentucky. Your enthusiasm for your job is contagious and the Cookie Pizza that was made the other day was DELICIOUS. You hve over come a lot and it shows in the pizza you make. Giving up is not in your vocabulary. Gang, if you go to Kevin at The Hut, give him some love and respect, he’s earned plenty of both.

With “Fun, Fun, Fun” by The Beach Boys in the background

“Great balls o’ fire, we’re havin’ a great time down here at The Bucket!!!!!!!! Wish you were here.

Hi, this is Mr. Absentee Landowner, here to stop bad publicity in its tracks. Like bad plotlines, they put a damper on your business. Nobody buys Bucket Banana Splits when there’s no girls basketball as was the case this year. Had to send 2 tons of Chiquita to the Milford Recycling Center. Believe me, we’ve had more Bucket Slurpees dumped on our image and it’s time to answer the charges that Milford Beverage Warehouse has been leveling at us.

The Warehouse claims our last Zoning Commission meeting was cancelled because our case was hopeless. Allow me to set the record straight. One of the members of the Zoning Commission lost a grandmother when she put the car in reverse and got the surprise of her life. He had to attend the funeral. Out of respect, we sent a bouquet of daffodils that we ordered from Milford Floral to express our condolences. The meeting has been rescheduled a week from this coming Tuesday.  And our lawyers will be there, not down at The Warehouse buying Lance’s Sour Cream Crackers. Land o’ Goshen, the shit The Warehouse piles on.

And The Warehouse will have you believe that  our lawyer, Nick Vinicello, got concrete shoes fitted on from Payless Shoe Stores and dumped into Milford Reservoir, due to a rival family perturbed at his representing the Gambinos. But even as I speak, he is ordering Bucket Popcorn Shrimp and Caesar’s Salad, complete with 2 packets of Bucket Italian Dressing. The Bucket even let him wear his bullet-proof vest. He is confident we will get our license even if the whole damn Zoning Commission loses members of their families, explicable or inexplicable. Sometimes you can’t help it if a Milford businessman was a cousin of Jimmy Hoffa. I’ll bet an order of Bucket Rattlesnake Fries someone at The Warehouse was kin to Al Capone.

Now the good news. We are offering something unique. Right now through April, The Bucket is offering Children’s Drinks as a way of expressing our thanks for sticking with us while fighting The Dark Side. Darth Vader can fight this all he wants, but if The Force wants The Bucket to serve Buds and PBR right next to Bucket Grilled Chicken and Scallops Combo, The Empire can bomb The Bucket all it wants but Han Solo returned in the movie and will return to file an appeal should our initial efforts to serve The Good Life next to a Bucket Oreo Blizzard fall through The Galaxy.

And the kids are gonna love Creme de Menthe sprayed into their favorite drinks, from Coca-Cola to Choc-Ola to Hawaiian Punch. My personal favorite, Grape Kool-aid, has more zing with Peach Creme de Menthe squirted in the cup.

And don’t worry, we’ve arranged with the Milford Police not to make kids take a Breathylyzer test nor walk 10 feet in a straight line. As long as they’re not behind the wheel and they’re secure in the child’s seat, the Milford Police will call it even. You wouldn’t let your kids drive your Chevy Malibu when they’re sober. Why take a chance after a couple of brewskies? Buckle ’em up and forget it. Just wipe their mouths should they spit up all over the stereo speakers.

At The Bucket, we gotcha covered. We can cut into The Warehouse share of the market while still continuing to fatten Archie and Jughead on Bucket Burgers. Pop’s Choklit Shoppe will remain an institution even if they pull Moose over for a DUI. We can overcome the technical stuff. Come see how today.

We will always serve Milford no matter what affadavits The Waehouse tries to file.”

Gang, comment away. Thank you for your patience. May God truly bless you.

BABY, BABY, WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO

“Girl, it’s goin’ straight down your throat if you flash your butt in my corneas one more time.”

March 28, 2019

I Never Knew “Pictures at an Exhibition” Would Appear In Milford

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IT’S THE BLOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYBODY RUN FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relax. It’s only the students at  one of the picnic tables,  gossiping about Andre Dawson when he was with the Cubs, pretty hot news among teenagers, then the conversation that’s been on the backburner after they got tired of talking about Mike Krukow’s career at Wrigley (“Gnarley, dude, he struggled with that wind blowing out”) has been taken out of the oven FINALLY that of what Molly Hatchet does in its spare time when they’re not touring New Thayer, Oakwood, Madison, Goshen, etc., with Lynyrd Skynyrd and The Charlie Daniels Band. I understand the Marshall Tucker Band practices pirouetting in water polo when they’re not on the road again.

They are so caught up in this fad we call (by their own definition, unfortunately) synchronized skating, they’re oblivious to the girl in the background that got ran over by the waffle iron.

 

Mr. Horse, trying to be a Mudlark Cafeteria Lady, having already passed the Cream Slaw Certification Test

“Nope, I don’t think these linens fit.”

 

 

I’m sorry, Gang, I’m TRYING to be nice but

“Gimme 3 steps, gimme 3 steps, Mister, and you’ll never see me no more…”

“Okay, that’s a rap. You can take your skates off.”

 

Eggo Head is just the start of a bad joke.

Gil catches Dr. Pearl in the hallway before her staff meeting

“DR. PEARL!!!!!!!!! DR. PEARL!!!!!!!!!! You know how Eggo Head burned her hair???????”

“No.”

“She forgot to use Pam while sticking her head on the pancake griddle.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Boy, put some Aunt Jemima on them babies.

 

And the artwork coming directly from El Prado. Really, is this truly a comic strip??????? P1 is just classic Cezanne, the missing piece being “Still Life With Apples”, something not shown in P1 because Eggo Head is sitting on them while consuming a Bartlett pear and those same apples would be shown in P2 if The Blob wasn’t chowing down on them while washing it down with leftover Milford students. The Blob resembling The Everly Brothers???? Gil must have been mighty tasty.

Meanwhile, back at the NR Ranch (“non-Reality”) , I mentioned ‘Pictures at an Exhibition” the other day, a concept album based the Russian composer Modest Mussorgsky’s work of the same name, which my favorite group, Emerson, Lake, and Palmer recorded and put their personal stamp to and ran with. Getting mixed reviews because it was slightly controversial, it stood the test of time and came out a cult classic, loved by many critics. I just never thought we’d see a sample of it in today’s strip.

“The Gnome” is P1 and I think “The Great Gates of Kiev” is located somewhere where Eggo Head’s hair is parted.

The Gnome telling a joke to his baby sister, whose in the lower right hand corner. Does she need a high chair, BTW, if her caption is somewhere where Luhm could sweep it up with his janitorial-sized broom?

“Baby sister, do you know why Gil will never be Eggo Head?”

“No.”

“He’d have to find a different rake to comb his hair, plus VO5 and Pam are combustible when fried together in the skillet. Try explaining that one to the Milford Fire Marshal.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Then P2 definitely has to be “Promenade”.

I mean, The Blob executing a spaziergang (“pleaure walk” to you non-Deutscher whippersnappers) through the cafeteria after a hearty 3-course meal of Alpo, Twinkies, and students is worth the price of admission and going about as slow as this plot. Don’t get no better than that.

“Officer, The Plot’s at the Milford Bowling Alley!!!!!!!!!! It’s eating half the town!!!!!!!!!!! Strip Bowling was tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“The Devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal-”

“NO NO NO That’s not how the tripel axel is done, you have to do this TOGETHER. All right, let’s do it again and SMILE. Let Butch Trucks see those pearly whites.”

 

P3 is interesting. I was tempted to say “The Sage” but what wise man in a lotus position at the peak of Mt. Fuji or Mt. Everest or Mount Washington or Mount Greylock (highest point in Massachusetts, BEAUTIFUL scenery, just threw it in to get a cheap laugh when the audience is getting bored-don’t want to wind up like Gil at the Milford Comedy Club) discusses synchronized bowling????? That one crashed and burned.

So I went with my gut and Ickity Ackity Ooh, uh uh, Ickity Ackity Ooh. ee ee, uh uh, slee, uh uh slut, POOF!!!!!!!!!!! “The Curse of Baba Yaga”. As long as teenagers are going to spend more time fretting over bullfighting and Sammy Sosa’s stats (C,mon, I’ll bet Ron Santo’s contract that the sign said “Bullfighting Ring”, geez Louise) than actual sports, reduced already to an exhibition, pardon the pun, at the Ringling Brothers Circus, we are in for a long Spring and Summer until Gil hitches up with another tag team. Really, I think Gil can teach Jerry Lawler and Jeff Jarrett how to golf. They’ll be sinkin’ those putts at the Mid-South Coliseum by the end of August. The Moon Dogs won’t know what hit’ em. An eagle is more effective than the Sleeper Hold any day.

 

Day 16

Marty is butt naked, confronted with a new challenge. Someone from the Milford Zoological Society, trained in Blobology, managed to direct The Blob towards the Nature Area. Street edges lined with ice, much of it from the ice freezer out front at the Milford 7-11 and the trainer invented a new way for The Blob to stay on the Straight and Narrow. Ingenious way to keep The Blob heading in a certain direction. Can’t eat Gil’s children if his driveway is spayed with permafrost.

Marty has enough problems with the elves from Crackerbox Palace and mosquitos. Now, he and Peaches must run for their lives, knowing The Blob could suck them up in 2 seconds. Can’t go up a redwood like a cat. The Blob can climb also. For the moment, The Blob will be content with a warthog it just steamrolled and call it a night. Marty and Peaches can sleep in their tents and only have to worry about shooing away the moths. And all they have to do is blow out the lantern.

Marty on his walkie-talkie

“It’s by the pond, Marty. It took some Sominex and crashed on a dead poplar.”

“Good. Where’s Peaches?”

“Marty, you know that’s the deal. We’re not allowed to tell. In fact, that’s the first warning AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, where’s the trainer????????? I didn’t know I was a midnight snaaaaaacccccckkkkkkkk-”

“Joe? Joe?”

 

“We’ll be back after these messages.”

 

Gil, accompanied by “Nut Rocker”

 

“Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. God almighty, wouldn’t want to be in Marty’s shoes right now, would you? Just hope The Blob stays away from the daiquiris.

But if Marty thinks he’s got problems, do I have some news for him.

Did your car get repossessed and now you have to go Milford Transit? Did you get cleaned out at the slot machines like I did because I didn’t know when to say when at the Milford Casino Lodge? How ’bout Milford Credit Union putting an estoppal on your account because you ran up a bill at Milford Plumbing Concepts and now they’re dunning you something fierce????? Shoot, I’d run up a bill too if they took 23 times to unclog that toilet in the pool room in the basement. They used that much Drano to flush out the turds, c’mon.

The point is, you shouldn’t let The Good Life get estopped because banks, credit unions, and the loan shark at the poker table isn’t bargaining in good faith. That’s why I’m proud to announce that The Warehouse and Milford Cash Advance have teamed up to help you get your favorite liquors without having to worry about Sonny Corleone knocking on your door about that overdue note.

Just give them your driver’s license, your Social, and 2 recent check stubs, yes, chain gang work release stubs are honored, and you can shop for Buds and Michs with peace of mind. Durn tootin’, Milford Cash Advance will hand you $250.00 cash with interest rates that’ll be as low as the packages of Slim Jims on the impulse-buying rack by the register. Doggone, I know I’ve got MY $250.00 in by wallet so I’m gonna go get a shopping cart by the Bud Man display up front and stock up on all the sinful stuff.

And I’ve got some Chauvignon Berry Surprise, something I’m going to keep a secret for my wife, I’ll just put in one of the gutters on my roof, to celebrate our 35th, 38th, Hell, I can’t remember, we’ve been married so long and spent a lot of time pretending to be coaches. Then I got some Sterling Classic Roast Fire Brand, guaranteed to satisfy your taste buds and burn a hole in your belly, a problem if you have ulcers, but if you’re drunk on the couch, you won’t feel a thing. And you might have to hit the bathroom stalls a lot but as long as Pee Wee Herman isn’t in there, it shouldn’t be a problem. And when the bank imposed a lien on my house after my Big Adventure at the Casinos, I snatched that 750 ml bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey right off the 3rd shelf. Ummm, ummmmm, I can drink my blues away tonight and puke in the bed if need be cuz Mimi went to her mom’s place with the kids over the weekend. They’ll be visiting Principal Ek’s boyhood home, a historical marker, “The Hut of Baba Yaga”, so I can splay on the Serta mattress like Foster Brooks.

And because The Bucket is bogged down in a legal battle with the Milford Beverage Commission over the liquor license, The Warehouse wants to kick ’em while they’re down by this great offer: Right now, until the end of the month, if you’ll buy 2 bottles of 1.75 Bacardi Superior Rum, The Warehouse will pay your March Milford Gas & Electric bill. No sense in having no lights just because Milford Interiors repossessed the divan. You shouldn’t have to use your neighbor’s water in a bucket just because there’s no electricity for the shower. Yup, they’ll help lighten the load on your bills when the deputy sheriff sends a bench warrant on your motorcycle, even if it’s your only mode of transportation to Milford Foundry. The Warehouse would rather you not pay late fees for the motorbike.

Yeah, Mr. Owner of The Bucket, when you come out of your chateau in Switzerland, wake up and smell the Apothic Red. Because your chances of selling Cook’s Brut Champagne along with a Bucket Double Cheeseburger and Fries as my recouping my losses at the roulette wheel at Milford Casino. At least I have better luck.

Come in and check out our specials and get a bill paid to boot. At Milford Beverage Warehouse, we take the load off, Fanny, and dump it on the car hops at The Bucket.”

 

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry goes to Mary Ludwig Hays McCauley, affectionately known as Molly Piutcher. Originally a gofer, like several women in the battles during the Revolutionary War, especially for water, the nickname came about when soldiers would shout “Molly!!!!Pitcher!!!!!!”, a nickname that somewhat unfortunately carried a slightly negative tag.

But Mary stepped in during the Battle of Monmouth to stoke the cannon after her husband was hit by a bullet (but survived, thankfully) and immediately boosted soldier morale with her courage in the line of fire. Serving perhaps as a good luck charm, the British retreated and really weren’t a factor for quite soem time. George Washington was so impressed (and he didn’t impress easily) that he awarded her a non-commision and was thereafter addressed as “Sergeant Hays.” Still strongly holding to her femininity, she proved a worthy soldier that helped the Continental Army win a HUGE battle when they were at a crossroads. The momentum swung in the Continentals direction, Mary palying a big part. Please join me in saluting a woman who proved that a woman could more than hold her own on the battlefield.

 

 

 

Comment away, Gang. I’m going to sneak out the back door before Robmize reads all my Cub jokes. Can someone suggest a nice apartment to hide in on Waveland Avenue?

 

Mr. Horse watching “The Blob”.

“Nope, ‘Lawrence of Arabia was much better than this B movie. Doesn’t even have Ronald Reagan when he was 80 years old to rescue the kids. I don’t think I li-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, IT’S GOT ME, WHERE’S REN AND STIMPY???????? STIMPY’S GOT AN ICEBERG STUCK UP HIS BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“I’m as free as a bird now, and this bird you’ll never changgggeeeee.”

I can see Peggy Fleming and her partner with the American flag draped around them in Sochi after that Gold Medal performance.

March 27, 2019

“And we care because?” could be this blog’s motto

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Well, that explains everything, doesn’t it?  The big “RIN” in the sign behind Andre’s head yesterday was short for “RINK,” which Milford has one of, apparently.  (Of course it does. How else could kids practice for skating at the Winter Blast in Central City? And why hasn’t ice hockey ever been a thing in Milford?)  Andre watched his little sister – odd hand gesture meant to signify “little” – skate and saw a group of synchronized skaters perform*. On his way home he got his cheek pierced and had that shark tooth he found at the beach on summer vacation mounted on a stud.

Oh, yeah, one of the synchronized skaters is also one of Mimi’s softball players.  Heaven forbid she prioritize something else over Milford High sportsball!  Prepare for multiple strips shaming poor Molly Hatchet off the ice and onto the diamond.

*I’m sorry, but every time I read “synchronized skating” I thought “synchronized swimming” and could only picture Harry Shearer and Martin Short in that old SNL skit.  Skate away, that’s all.

March 15, 2019

The epitimy of wimpiness

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Pointy Fingers — robmize2013 @ 5:37 pm

How weak does one have to be to go see the trainer after a small cut on ones face that requires a band -aid as medical attention?

Who the fuck would take the time to see the trainer – who apparently isnt even on the premises – for that??

What baseball trainer in the world stays as far away from the field as possible??

What baseball coach lets his player find the trainer INSTEAD OF GETTING HIM HIMSELF??? and telling said player to have a seat? Its a god damn PRACTICE!!! Why the hell does Gil need to remove his player from the field anyway?  Dont they have basic first aid equipment in the dugout? Everyone else in creation does.  Hey, I’ll see you in an hour. Only in Milford does putting on a band-aid require a march off the entire field of play.

Stitches?? On a bad hop? Never saw that occurrence in my life. I’ve seen bigger cuts on an ant.

I follow Sarah Spain on Twitter; she’s a sports reporter for ESPN and also does a podcast. One of her pet phrases is “Why are men? ” to describe general male stupidity. This episode fits perfectly.

 

March 9, 2019

Time to stick this dude in the toilet and press Flush

Really. He hasnt even been home 5 minutes from getting canned at WDIG and he’s already orchestrated the removal of FIRE THORP from the billboard and the painting of an ad for a local pizza joint that I’m sure blows just like his basketball skills, his radio skills and his ingratiating personality.

Yeah bro you got talent all right. The next company that interviews you for your so-called skills will send you away laughing up their sleeve at the sucker who actually hires you.

I havent seen his  pizza-flipping skills yet but maybe thats what he has in mind. Pretty sad to go from the next Bobby Knight to the next Joe Aurelio, basketball-wise anyway.  Maybe he could start this business:

Image result for pizza flippers

“This town will never forget me.” Yeah right — — as a matter of fact when Milford erects a statue of you the birds will be lining up to shit on it.

March 8, 2019

This fish is rotting from the head.

Filed under: Bobby Howry, Coffee Cantina, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 9:08 pm

What a load of manure we have today– P1 Gil insinuates that he makes personnel decisions at Milford, when in fact most of these decisions are made by outsiders who happen to worm their way into the scene, (ie Bobby Howry 5 years ago) and Gil figures if they’ll do all the work, let them. He’ll just stand off to the side and re-appear at the end to give his sage advice.

P2– Yeah Gil you’re getting back to your Job. And that is?? (See above paragraph.) Biggest crock of crap in this strips history, that Panel 2.

P3–Finish college? Hey, I already know how to pour a glass of milk; what more life skills do I need?

For the love of Pete– you just got your ass booted out of the only fuckin place you had a chance to succeed in, and now you MAYBE will finish college?? How much of your moms money have you farted away on nonsense like billboard sign-making ( Hey maybe that can be your major!)  I guess he started college, then quit when he hit on the billboard idea. (Boy whatever college he was going to sure taught him well if thats what he learned)  Then he decides to hang out at WDIG in hopes of landing a post somewhere else after he burns all his bridges in Milford. Another brilliant idea eh?

Now he may re-start his college career sometime. Well methinks this is a good time to say adios to this character and move on with the – oh yeah, basketball season that we forgot about. Maybe down the road he can re-appear in Gils office all grown up with a beard and contact lenses, and share with Gil all he’s learned since that fateful billboard experiment. That would be nice. I  had a tough time myself in college, going to 3 different ones in 7 years before finally throwing in the towel after getting a real job with a future. If you want to work, there’s something out there for you. But Work is the key word. Not flap your gums about how great you are when you havent done a DAMN thing!

You hear me Howry? Now get lost and find your niche.

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