This Week in Milford

April 24, 2018

“This is CNN live at Milford’s gym in the 28th day of the bargaining session and little progress has been made. Over to The Weather Channel across the gym for the start of the new plot.”

Filed under: Milford Idiots, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 4:19 am

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…where the wavin’ wheat

can sure smell sweet

when the wind comes right behind the

rrraaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Plunking head with an aluminum bat) Sorry, gang, for a moment my mind was on vacation and my brain was working overtime in Oklahoma (sorry to butcher your lyrics, Mose Allison, I’ll check out your anthology at the library this week to make up for it). As in Oklahoma! You know, the musical. The exclamation mark is not a dead giveaway? Meanwhile, back in reality, Gil fast-forwarded from Studio 3 at WDIG to record (Gil doing back-up vocals as a tenor) with an up-and-coming K-Tel Records performer(should hit his stride on the commercial circuit between Archie & the Gang and the ABC Afternoon Special in about 3 years when not doing commercial breaks for WDIG at Boys/Girls basketball games) over to the gym and the plot already has a dead battery. Weren’t we just AT THE GYM??? Why are we still there? Oh, so Moose can start a new career teaching physics. Arguably better than his chances as a baseball player since we saw his football ambitions, well, let’s just say that at least we’re expecting Marty back by Mother’s Day. Besides, perfect opportunity given the weather. No sense in explaining launch angles in the batter’s box. You’d get soaked. Let’s not display the proper angle to go yard while swinging in Oklahoma!

And if Ernie the P and his buddy, Polly Parrot are hangin’ around in the gym-who’d REALLY be surprised?-ANYONE?-he and she (the parrot, of course) can videotape his golf swing. Sure, how to park one in the bleachers (the gym’s, not the ball park’s, it’s Oklahoma! weather, remember?) using proper trigonometric principles. Well, Marty’s not there to film Arnold “Moose” Palmer, he’s gone another 2 weeks.

Now, Physics is Phun in Baseball aside, can’t someone remember to PLEASE get a Sears Die-Hard Battery next time? If it can start in the throes of Antarctica, surely it can fire up in this flood of a storyline. And remember, we’ve already cornered the market on Noah’s Ark and there was no flooding in Oklahoma!, just rain, so Gil needs to rewire the Die-Hard to something more original. I think the Milford Pirate Network camera still has a charge.

Gang, you knew I’d have leftovers. Here’s that Totino’s Supreme Pizza that got abandoned for days in the fridge and got resurrected in the microwave

The radio voice in parentheses, just so you’ll know (or care), is Mr. Pocket Square Sporting Radio Station Manager/Brother Mary Elephant (teenchy’s take or mine, not offended in the slightest if you take his (sniff, sniff, getting out a handkerchief of my own))-pick ’em. From Paul McCartney’s album “Ram” (no, the donkey(BIG maybe, I’ll admit, just use your imagination, it’s a farm, understand, so pretend you have a Mattel See ‘n Say in your hands e. g. “The Cow says ‘Mooooooo'”, “Marty says ‘Eeee-Yore, Eeee-Yore'”) in the background isn’t Marty, in case anybody’s wondering),

We’re so sorry, Uncle Marty (We’re soooo sorry, ol’ chum)

But we haven’t heard from The Dove all day (just like her basketball career, dear boy)

We’re so sorry, Uncle Marty (we’re soooo sorry)

But if they grant us some concessions, you’ll be airing any day

Moooonnnnn across the airwaves

‘Larrrrrkkkkksss across the gym

Moooooooonnnn across the airwaves

‘Laaarrrrkkkkkksss across the gym

McCartney guitar lead-in

Admiral Gil Thorp notified Moon

He had to take it back or his job would take a swoon

He stuffed his face with beer nuts and drank a glass of beer with butter pie (he couldn’t melt the butter so he dumped it in the glass of be-)

Mooooonnn dead in the water

Mooooonnn a-splayed the lounge

Mooooonnnnn dead in the water

Moooooonnnn reeks like a ‘hound

Another McCartney guitar lead-in

Little Little Dove brought him to the ground (to the ground)

Marty lost some face and it’s still yet to be found

Little Little Dove crucified him good(nailed him good)

Marty Moon is so disgraced and besmirched the neighborhood

Mooooonnnn dead in the water

The music fading at the Milford Lounge, the jukebox coming alive with Dean Martin’s “Houston”

“Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry

When I take you in the surrey

When I take you out in the surrey with a friinggee on toppp

Watch the fringe and see how it flutters

When I drive them high-steppen strutt-”

“MOOSE, GET OFF THE TOP OF THE DUGOUT AND GET YOUR ASS BACK IN THE GYM. THERE AIN’T GONNA BE ANY TWO-STEPPIN’ OUT IN THE RAIN. YULL KETCH PNEUMONIA”

“Kaz, I think Aunt Eller will work out fine as a coach. You might want to inform her of our coaching philosophy on profanity. It’s somewhere in the Milford High School Coaching Manual but I forgot where.”

Seen in the March 2018 issue of Guideposts: “When I’m getting attacked on all sides from a bunch of pukey teenagers that don’t know their BLEEP from a hole in the ground about broadcasting, I have a simple solution: I make my bed. Several confrontations between me and Coach T. have meekly melted away when I pull the twill covers over the sheets. I managed to avert danger once when Gil charged to his trunk to get his Winchester rifle when I said a Pony League Manager could have done a better job of coaching that hit-and-run against Oakwood by a deft flick of the pillow covers over the bed spread. And when I told Paloma my fuzzy car dice around the rear-view mirror was bigger than HERS? I may have had to go to the Milford Load-a-Suds to wash the egg-stained satin sheets after Peaches served breakfast-in-bed but victory was eventually achieved after a healthy supply of Tide. I pulled those sheets over the bed and did a Victory Lap. Talk about gaining a foothold on the Philistines.”

“Oh, what a beautiful morning

Oh, what a beautiful day

I got a wonderful feeling

Marty is going awaaayyyyy”

“Gil, that wasn’t nice. You know Marty and Jud will be back off suspension in a few weeks.”

On Free Meal Wednesday at Milford Open Fellowship Church: “Eccchhh, they put too many peppers in the chili again!!!!!!! And I HATE rye bread on the pimento sandwiches. So as I was saying, tell Paloma, sure, she can have a guest spot on the show. I’ll concede that position. But only after we win. Fans don’t want to listen to a parrot squawking after we got our asses handed to us. Hey, is there any more Chocolate Curl Cream Cheese Cake or did you throw it out?”

“And that’s gonna do it for the 3rd quarter. I have no clue what happened. I’m still a little light on the basketball lingo. I DID identify correctly a 3-point play when an Oakwood player pulled on Aardvark’s gym trunks as the A went up for a layup so YAAAYYYY for me!!!! Still fuzzy on things like ‘correctable error’ or ‘defense responsible for contact when vertical plane is violated’. Eh, I’ll let the Milford Injury Attorney sort that out. The score after 3, Milford, 49, Oakwood, 41, this is Ernie the P comin’ atcha in Milford’s gym on the Milford Pirate Network, a division of Lear Field Sports.(heard off the air just before commercial break) Can somebody get the janitor? The parrot just doo-doo’d again. Who fed him nacho chips ‘n’ cheese sauce while I was broadcasting?”

“Hi, this is Coach Gil Thorp and y’know, practices can get real intense. Then there’s game time. When the ump says “Play Ball!” your adrenaline is really pumpin’. Your nerves can be on edge throughout the game and it can get dicey, win, lose, or draw. And when a tall glass of Lowenbrau at the Milford Lounge isn’t enough, I head to Milford Liquor Warehouse. That’s right, check out all the varieties from Drewry’s Low-Sodium Lite in 24-Packs to Bluegrass State Bourbon. Man o Man, I know what booze I’M going to be sloshing with Mimi in those shot glasses we received as a wedding gift 30 years ago when we watch the Kentucky Derby on the wide-screen TV this year. And for all you wine lovers, boy, are you in for a treat. This week’s special features Boone’s Farm Blueberry Surprise, a real lip-smacker, and you can smack those lips at 3 bottles for only 10.99. Easy-open pop corks that are also biodegradable. Boy, THAT’s a surprise. And Mudlark Dom Perignon 2009 Gift Box, straight from the vineyards of Milford Valley, is sure to please that champagne-and-cheese crowd at the next family reunion or graduation party. We have it in stock for the jaw-dropping 219.99 and that includes the corkscrew, autographed by Yours Truly.  If you are short on funds, like I am sometimes, doggone it, it’s always a toss-up between Michelob Mini’s or my personal golf lessons, don’t worry. The Milford Liquor Warehouse takes all major credit cards. Why let The Good Life blow out your car window because you are strapped for cash? By the way, they also have shopping carts guarded by trained security so they don’t wind up in a ditch behind Milford Elementary. It doesn’t get any better than that. Come see the friendly staff at Milford Liquor Warehouse for all your Liquor needs, in the Milford Wal-Mart Shopping Center, right next to Luhm Electronics. And tell ’em Coach T. sent ya.”

“Let people say we’re in looovvveeee”

“OK, Peaches, then it’s settled. If you dump Curly, we can take advantage of that Mudlark Lake Resort special, you know, pay for 2 weeks, get 1 week free. I promise I’LL make the bed. Nobody but us and Mother Nature out there. Whattya say?”

Gang, fire away. I’m going over to Milford Liquor Warehouse to float a loan to Marty. He tried to buy that Dom Perignon for that outing with Peaches but the suspension evidently ruined his credit. He used to run up a tab there until he swore on the air. Now they won’t even extend him a Diet Coke in the Teetotling Cooler up front.

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April 18, 2018

Why Is Paloma Standing Behind Gil’s Desk?

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I mean, other than to gratuitously fit her in the frame. Really, Panel Three concisely symbolizes the whole approach of this arc. I’m not even entirely sure what the heck Jorge is talking about when he says Gil ‘might’ be right.

Fortunately, Gil’s not really listening as he strains his neck to make sure Paloma doesn’t clock him with her standard Milford High issue stack of text books.

Minus points: Sartorially, things seem out of whack. We have Mimi in a skirt (!) and long scarf, Gil going from wearing a jacket to short sleeves, and I don’t even want to begin to figure out all the ways Paloma is not dressed like a teenager.

 

April 13, 2018

Cant anybody here do this job??

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 8:19 pm

Gil runs into the station manager at WDIG who tells him Marty may get his job back if Gil tells the tall girl who started all this MPN nonsense to endorse it. And if she doesnt endorse it he wont. Double negative. Whats the future of MPN now that the Pirate Parrot guy doesnt want to do it because Marty lost his job? Why is the girl as tall as Gil? Whats the point of all this if the basketball season is over anyway, which it should’ve been a month ago?

And the elephant in the room? WHY ON GODS GREEN EARTH DOES MARTY MOON HAVE TO BE THE ONLY FUCKIN PERSON ON PLANET EARTH THATS CAPABLE OF BROADCASTING A GOD DAMN TINY ASS HIGH SCHOOLS’ BASKETBALL GAMES THAT NOBODY GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT AND WHOSE PRIMARY CHARACTERS IN THIS PLOT HAVE BEEN FORGOTTON ABOUT BECAUSE OF SOME DUMB ASS PIRATE NETWORK THATS NOW OUT OF BUSINESS??? CANT ANYBODY ELSE IN THIS MORONIC SCHOOL SIT BEHIND A GOD DAMN MICROPHONE AND DESCRIBE MEANINGLESS BASKETBALL ACTION 2 FUCKIN MONTHS AFTER EVERYONE ELSE IN THE SHIT-ASS UNIVERSE IS DONE PLAYING????

Where’s the Excedrin?

April 12, 2018

Marty Moon: The Straw That Stirs the Milford Drink

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Today’s strip just serves to bring the glaring plot holes, inconsistencies and missed opportunities into stark relief, not unlike Marty’s face in P2.  Without belaboring the obvious – oh, who am I kidding? Let’s belabor the obvious:

  1. If an Aagard scores 26 points and there’s no one there to report on it, does it make a sound? Last winter’s saga of Aaron and his opioid-addicted mother ended with his transfer into the protective custody of the Hiatt-Brown family. Rubin brought Aaron back this season, but Big Ken Brown is no longer around to make things happen. Couldn’t those loose ends have been tied up in a panel?
  2. Nice use of parallel drinking by the not-broadcasting broadcasters, one with hooch, the other with Yoo-Hoo (or does that just say “Poo”?). The glaring sign behind Marty’s head must be meant to offer a contrast to his apparent sour mood. It also offers a nice segue into a song parody but I fear those days are behind me. The idea that WDIG can’t or won’t run games without Marty to call them borders on the absurd. Absurd doesn’t begin to describe the Milford Pirate Network’s approach to the games. If they’d been up front about why they popped up then played it straight, they’d still be on the air and no one would’ve cared that there was no coverage from Marty and WDIG. But noooo, MPN based its whole schtick on taunting Marty, so no Marty, no MPN. For that matter…
  3. … no Marty, no Gil to antagonize or be antagonized by Marty. Hence Gil’s call on Pocket Square Sporting Radio Station Manager to no doubt try to get Marty back on the air. As with his meeting with Marty, Gil’s on neutral ground where drinks are involved but this time it’s only coffee (unless Gil’s secretly making it Irish).

If all this is a pivot towards turning this strip from Gil Thorp into Marty Moon, I could be persuaded to stick around. The travails of a drunken shock jock looking to redeem himself to unwitting victims of his shock doesn’t cover new ground but it has potential.

late metapost: Over lunch I came across this article about Latinos attempting to assimilate in the American South. No one in the story is Puerto Rican, but it touches on an angle Rubin has chosen not to pursue to much extent in this arc.

April 11, 2018

Welp, It’s Long Past Time For Pitchers And Catchers To Report

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And the NBA playdowns are just around the corner so I guess it’s fortunate that we’re taking this week to wrap up all of the loose ends of a typically thoughtful treatment regarding the tragic plight of a serious, real life, on-going crisis.

Duncan with a fucking parrot on his shoulder indeed. At least panel three shows us why he needed to go for the pirate hat to round out his look.

Metapost: Apologies for the late post as I got pulled away from my desk before hitting ‘Publish’.  Boy, I wasn’t in too good of a mood to start the day, was I?

April 10, 2018

“Marty, it was just a bad dream. The plane didn’t crash.”

Filed under: Just plain sad, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 3:34 am

041018

Hmmmmmm. Gang, I’m never one to say “I told you so” but just a couple of days ago everybody was rejoicing and singing “Ding Dong, the witch is dead!!!!!”. Now, a lesson all of us who are teenagers or have been teenagers learn, many times THE HARD WAY, is that once you overthrow the despot, make sure you have a suitable replacement.

Give credit where credit is due. Though I admit I satirized the MPN and the ramifications thereof, I admired, and still admire their ability to settle the issue in a peaceful manner. And effective at that. Karina and Duncan had built a better mouse trap.

And let’s not kid ourselves, gang. Marty’s an ass. And should he return, and from all indications, based upon where I believe P3 is taking us, that looks like that’s a strong possibility, he will continue to be an ass. Gil rescued from the Titanic the one person who was a thorn in his side who second-guessed his EVERY coaching move for decades and will CONTINUE to second-guess him once they reach dry land. Gratitude is not in Marty’s vocabulary.

“My career got a second wind. And I owe it all to the one man who put Milford athletics on the map. His keen eye for detail plus his ability to lead kids to The Promised Land just floors me. I am truly sorry for being such a low-lying snake and a true-blue vermin to him for years but I fully intend to make restitution.”

Well, anyway, that student breaking the Fourth Wall in P1 has a nice smile.

Ooooookkkkkkk, gang, I tried to hold it in but the song demons got a hold of me and this is the result. Sung to the Beatles’ “You’re Gonna Lose That Girl”, I have a unique spin to Marty’s relationship to Karina/The Dove and vice versa. I took liberties with song structure so you’ll have to overlook my lyrical peccadilloes.  Without further ado

You kicked her in the face

And dragged her in the mud

You think you’re pretty cool

And such a macho stud

You’re gonna loooossee that girl

You’re gonna loooossee that girl

You’re gonna loooossee

THAT GIRL

You need to apologize

And simply eat your words

Or they’ll can you at ‘DIG

And then you’ll lose your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee your shirt

You’re gonna loooossee

YOUR SHIRT

Guitar and banjo interludes backed by the Foggy Mountain Boys, Coach Kaz blowin’ on the whiskey jug

They’re having quite a blast

It’s all at your expense

Hugs, high-fives, they celebrate

Oh man, it’s so intense

You’re gonna goooo to H-

SCRATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, gang, I think you get the general idea. We have Born-Again Christians in the audience. Gotta keep it clean.

Heard at a speech at the Milford Civitan Club:

“Gil, there were times I doubted your ability to coach. Scratch that, just about ALL THE TIME, I didn’t think you knew your butthole from a hole in the ground about what you were doing. But when you pulled Danny Tippett out in the second quarter so he wouldn’t get that 3rd foul and he just dominated the rest of the Playdowns, well, this Bud’s for you, Gil. Oh, and so’s this Coach of the Year plaque. I used my Visa card at Milford Trophy Supply, number one, because they wouldn’t take American Express, but secondly, you deserve something special. I would have thrown in a bottle of champagne because you are the creme de la creme in the coaching ranks but Dr. Pearl reminded me that you can’t bring alcohol on school property. Anyway, congratulations, Coach.”

If you wuz goin’ to the Milford High School prom and ya find out yore pickup truck that ya smuggled from Cuba won’t start and ya use every tool imaginable and get down and greasy and pick apart the engine only to find out it was a loose battery cable end, then trip the night fantastic with yore 357-pound date even as yore tuxedo and corsage is caked with 10W40, ya might be a redneck.

“And another masterful job of Gil coaching the Milford Girls Basketball team while Mimi’s in Miami Beach at a coaching seminar. Good Lord, he can deftly coach the screen-and-roll no matter which gender. Paloma ran that backdoor to perfection. Coach T. just caught the Oakwood coaches with their pants down, literally.  There’s an Official’s Time Out to give time to rectify the situation and so we’ll go to break. The score with 2:54 left in the 3rd quarter is Milford, 41, and Oakwood, 28. This is WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

“Gil, that last load of laundry got me really horny. The kids are at the Kiddie Caravan Putting Clinic sponsored by the Milford Golf Course. Let’s have a quickie.”

“Sure, Mimi, I have a price list from The Bucket right here. We can order online. What sounds good? A Bucket Burrito? Strawberry Bucket Split?”

“Gil, let’s have sex.”

Choking on his Bud

“Are you sure that’s the last load? I didn’t see my jock straps in there. I gotta have one ready before that badminton tournament tomorrow.”

“Gil, I put a whole pile of them in the top drawer in the dresser. And wasn’t that tournament next week?”

“Um, yeah, I got that mixed up with strip bowling at Milford Lanes.”

“STRIP bowling???”

“Yeah, yeah, you take off an article of clothing for every gutter ball you roll. Thank God the kids aren’t playing in that one.”

“Gil, why would you need a jock strap at a bowling tournament? You only need one anyway. And with your 263 average, you won’t strip past your bowling shoes.”

“Um, er, you sure you washed EVERYTHIING? I didn’t find my Milford Garage Builders softball shirt. I forgot we had a game at midnight. Gotta hit the Milford Batting Cages. Do you have any spare tokens?”

“Gil, why can’t we get it on and charge up your game?”

“Oh, Man, Mimi, you know when we get down and dirty, I always wind up dipping my shoulder when I swing at the plate. Those pop-ups to the 3rd baseman just KILL a rally.”

“That was Gil several weeks ago and he was in a world of hurt, people. Hi, this is Coach Shaw on behalf of the Milford Men’s Clinic. Gil was no fun at practice, always belly-achin’ about his misadventures in bed. He had trouble humpin’ a pillow, so you can imagine what things were like with his wife. Or maybe you don’t wanna know. Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway, assholes, even if I can’t say that on the radio. I’m allotted only so many lines as Cameo Coach so I’m gonna make the most of it. Mimi was helpless watching Gil trying to air a flat tire with a coin-operated pump, inserting quarter after quarter and the little reader still at around 10 pounds psi. Gil would finally throw down the air hose disgustedly on the bed and just pull the covers over his head in embarrassment and turn the other way from Mimi. She had to be the one to turn out the lamp. Finally, after slamming his foot on a tackle dummy in anger and one Lord’s-Name-in-vain too many, in front of the sophomore practice team to make it worse, I HAD to confront the Commander-in-Chief. “General”, I said, “You need to go through the checkpoint at the base and head down to Milford Men’s Clinic. They take all major insurance and your sex life will improve. Look at it as Nautilus equipment for your phallic symbol.” And by golly Miss Molly, he took the plunge. Now he’s plunging in bed and Mimi’s enjoying those cannon balls and all the splashes that come with it. Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead. But don’t take my word for it. Check it out yourself. If ya have trouble finding it at Milford Mall, the  info booth in the center of the mall will happily steer you in the right direction. What do you have to lose, men? Swallow your pride and give it a ride. You know I did.”

I want to give a shout-out to Roth’s Pizzeria in Elberfeld, Indiana. Ryan Roth, the owner, loves people, has a charismatic personality, a spicy sense of humor, and makes some damn good food. His only fault is he is ALWAYS razzing me about my favorite college, NFL, and NBA teams (ha ha). Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood and he’s open, swing on by, you won’t be disappointed. A little out of the way, I’ll admit, but worth it. I miss ya, Ryan. You were FUN to work with at TJ Maxx. Let’s continue in Heaven, My Man. You da Man.

“What great coaching maneuvering ol’ Coach T. engineered. For years, I questioned his knowledge of the playbook. He looked like he was diagramming plays from ‘The Idiot’s Guide to Chemistry”. But his basketball coaching acumen is priceless. I can’t wait for baseball season. Gil will have that squeeze play executed to perfection by the end of August. And his pitching staff will be fully developed. They’ll have command of the fastball, curve, and slider in time for the plot to run its course. And he still has time to teach his kids how to get it on the green at the Milford Golf Course. The man’s a genius.”

Gang, while I am shoveling the doo-doo out of the gym, fire away. You make it happen.

And as an extra, I thought I’d sum up Marty’s situation(couldn’t guess from the title?-ha) with this video. You longtime Yes fans like yours truly and even you whippersnappers will enjoy this. Thanks to timbuys for the help. His point is well-taken. If you’re a frequent flier, you might get the jitters here. As I told him, I admit I’m a coward too(ha ha). Be that as it may, partake.

April 7, 2018

Lo siento, no lo siento

gt04072018

Okay, so Gil’s not meeting Marty at his crate shack but on neutral ground. Dunno why Gil acts so surprised: he knows Marty’s a known souse and it’s not like Gil doesn’t knock back a few every now and then, in public, even. Marty’s got his Captain Haddock brows working again and, yeah, he wants Gil to clean up his mess.

That weak-assed excuse for a mea culpa doesn’t fly anymore, if it ever did. Everyone and her brother knows that “I’m sorry you were offended by my actions” is not the same as “I’m sorry for my actions.”  There’s a few dots here that haven’t been connected – like how Marty thinks all of this is the Padillas’ doing – but hey, baseball season is a week old so let’s wrap this thing up, shall we?

Now I guess we just sit back and wait to see what level of public apology from Marty will suffice. An appearance with Pirate Nebbish Boy from MPN seems more than likely.

April 4, 2018

It Could Happen To You

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P1: Thanks for the exposition, Kaz. How much gel does Kaz have to use to get all of his sideburn hairs in parallel do y’all reckon?

P2: Is that even Paloma in the foreground hug with, uh, Karina I guess? Because the brunette in mid-panel looks closer to Paloma. Also, too, wasn’t this whole thing pretty much a Karina/Duncan joint with Jarrell ‘Spielberg’ Atkins directing?

P3: Jeeze, Mimi with a devastating toting the laundry walk by zinger. Meanwhile, Gil looks incredibly constipated as he just cannot deal with it that people keep bringing up this Marty Moon bullshit to him. It’s bad enough he has to show up at the games but he sure as hell didn’t sign up for talking about them for days afterwards.

Minus point: Karina has a terribly advanced case of trigger finger there in P2. Perhaps the Spring arc could help inform us about this potentially crippling condition and the plight of so afflicted high school athletes.

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