This Week in Milford

October 10, 2018

Kaz Has More Balls Than Joe…

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… and that’s all I have to say about that.

Seriously, what kind of bullshit rationale is that for joining the team?  What can Kaz and Gil expect out of this kid Joe?  With such a short attention span, who’s to say Bolek won’t wander off just when the Mudlarks need him to punt a ball away? He can’t even be bothered to stick around to see the end of the game. (Here’s where I break the fourth wall for a moment to ask TWIM‘s unofficial SID billytheskink how many times we’ve been shown a Milford football game without knowing who won.)

I could be bothered to supply a rationale for Joe – for example, he’d seen enough of Milford’s bad, non-Sam Finn punting to know that the team needed him – but why should I come up with an excuse for him? He’s gonna need enough excuses for himself when his teammates stuff him in a locker for not coming out and busting his hump in practice from the beginning of the season.

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October 9, 2018

Now, This Punting Tutorial Belongs to the Ages

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, football, general nonsense, Milford Idiots — tdrewhardin @ 3:08 pm

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Gang, this is gettin’ kinda silly. Y’know, when Babe Ruth called his shot in the 1932 World Series, he wasn’t in the 28th row in the stands at Yankee Stadium (conceding that Called Shot was actually at Wrigley Field, lay off, Cub fans-ha) with a group from the New Jersey Chapter of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union (“It’s Prohibition Night and all Ladies & Gentlemen displaying their “Just Say ‘No’ To Bud” proudly on their lapel anywhere above the waist will go through the turnstiles free and receive 1/2 off all Dr. Pepper, Grape Nehi, and Yoo-Hoo! drinks and Cracker Jack products and can even keep the prize”), not that that was the wisest move to make given his track record on booze, hob-nobbing about how to go yard. Yeah, Ladies, burn the Lite Beer from Miller operation somewhere in the woods on Staten Island and watch the ball all the way to the bat. Luckiest man alive, George Herman.

And great comparison, Joe, with the Rocky flicks. Really, you raise a good point. Like “Rocky”, if you’ve seen one kick, you’ve seen them all. Apollo Creed can only kick in so many different styles. His James Brown’s “Get Up, I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine” technique isn’t so innovative after the 1000th kick.

And I’ve seen infomercials better than this. Oh, c’mon, when you can’t sleep and you’ve tried counting sheep or you’re on your 13th Sominex or you sit in the recliner chair playing some New Age rendition by Enya or Michael Oldfield or Andy Summers after he broke off from The Police (New Age, trust me) or “La Sagrada Familia” from Alan Parsons off of “Gaudi” or (BTW, I checked, Meat Loaf’s Bat out of Hell didn’t qualify) even a bit- bluesy-but-could-stay-within-the-limits stuff such as Earl Klugh or Jon McLaughlin, even with the latter playing at an RPM faster than the normal rate (still love it) , and YOU STILL CAN’T SLEEP, whaddya do?

Time’s up

TURN ON THE TV

 

“Are you tired of not being able to kick a simple Nerfball out of your back yard? Wouldn’t you like to boom one straight from your living room to the top of the Empire State Building in Milford? Well, now you can and Joe Bolek can show you how.

Joe was in your shoes. Everytime he got mad and tried to kick the cat, he wound up on the deck, missing a Persian or a Siamese or even Garfield by a mile. Other times, he hit a jaguar that had been given up for adoption from a tenant at the Milford Senior Living Condo and, man o man, did he have to run the 50-yard dash ASAP just to escape the Milford Humane Society building.

Joe decided enough was enough and learned from the best. He spent hours and hours secluded in the monastary in St. Meinrad, Indiana, only consuming 2 slices of bread and a glass of water every 12 hours watching video after video observing how the great ones do it. From Ray Guy to George Blanda, Chris Gardocki to Mike Eischeid, Garo Yepremian to Joe Danelo,  Joe got better at backing up his talk, spending hours, when he wasn’t attending Matin or Nones or Vespers, in the Indiana cornfields mastering his craft, learning all the secrets in the bargain. Now Joe wants to share those secrets with you.”

 

“Here he is, give our hero a warm welcome, won’t you?”

“Hey, gang!!!!!!!!!!”

HI!!!!!!!!!! JOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gang, I wanna show you that YES, YOU TOO can kick a game-winning 73-yard field goal like Tom Dempsey and you don’t need half a foot like him to do it. But in order to show my excellent techniques, I need a volunteer from the stands. Yes, you, ma’am, come on down and let’s kick some A, whattya say?

A lady with a walker hobbles 15 rows down the steps, aided by a couple of gentlemen, more than likely her sons. They remove her oxygen tank.

“All right, you’re lookin’ good, I thought you were my girlfriend for a second. I can tell you make liberal use of Pond’s Medicated Creme. And, boy, Revlon’s in the family heirloom WOW!!!!!!! DOUBLE WOW!!!!!!!!! So what’s your name?”

She reels back momentarily, flattered by his demagoguery

“Gertrude DeWindt.”

“Yo, Gang, I think we have some family among us, don’t you?”

SURE LOOKS THAT WAY JOE

“So any relation to Pete?”

“Why yes, he’s my grandson and I remember when he kicked a winning 5-yarder in Milford Pee Wee League Football and we treated him to a Peanut Buster Parfait at the Milford DQ after the game, he just LOVED peanut butter in his ice cream-”

“Ooooooooookkkkkkkk, Mrs. DeWindt, let me present to you how you kick this pigskin right through the uprights that Carol Merrill is holding in front of Door #3. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll be in demand by all the NFL teams. You’ll be able to buy out the Revlon factory with the money you’ll be earning plus what’s behind Door #3. Are you ready to change your life forever?”

“Sure.”

“AWWWWWWWRRRRRRIIIIIGGGGHHHTTTTT HERE WE GO. Ya gotta swing your foot as if fire ants were up your dress, that’s it, swing that foot and limber up, now next, keep your head down and DON’T LOOK UP UNTIL YOU’VE MADE CONTACT. Whattya think, audience?

SHE’S POSING LIKE ‘THE THINKER’ JOE

“Sure does. Rodin couldn’t have sculpted any better. NOW aim the center of your foot toward the center of pigskin that Johnny Olson is holding on the tee and kick with all ya got in ya. Do you want me to hold your dentures? Your son will hold ’em for ya. Fair enough.”

As son stashes them in the rear of his Bermuda shorts

Gertrude is aided by mini-stage twirling in a tarantella, if it were a record, “Feelings” would sound like “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”, she is swinging, swinging, swinging, makes bulls-eye target with the football, the pigskin is true through the uprights…

“SEE I TOLD YOU GANG MY PATENTED TECHNIQUES WORK!!!!!!!!!!!”

YOU SURE DID JOE

After the cue card rudely tells the audience to settle down and shut up

“Now let’s see what’s behind Door #3.”

 

 

 

 

I have written about these people before but the Austin, Indiana Fuel Mart deserve another shout-out because they treat the customer like royalty. And, gang, do they have the goodies. Lotsa chips, candy bars, hot dogs, cheeseburgers, not to mention the sodas and bottled waters a-plenty and a table full of Little Debbie’s at discount prices. They have ALWAYS treated me like a king and they will afford you the same courtesy, believe me. How they pack so much stuff in a little store, well, that’s a pleasant problem if you ask me. If you’re in the neighborhood (just off I-65) , get your gas and snacks in the same place and be on your way. Makes sense to me. Support Small Business, gang. Take care of those that know you by name. They know mine.

 

 

In response to a sign I saw the other day from an apartment complex in Anywhere, USA, advertising its place with a special incentive emanating from one of its signs “Small Pet Friendly”

“Ohhhhhhh, Marty, I had a great time but what are we going to do with the white rhino? He’s just completely ruined the shower stall. Then he smothered 3 kids playing kickball in the cabin over in the next lot.”

“Damn, Peaches, don’t look at me. The instruction manual said they would grow in 6-8 weeks.”

“Marty, we’ve only had the cabin for 1 week.”

After 6 weeks of haggling and hashing out and taking the Lord’s Name in vain more than necessary in an injury case but FINALLY engineering an out-of-court settlement between Marty Moon (“defendant”) and Mudlark Lake Resort Inc. (“plaintiff”) to everyone’s satisfaction (the latter represented by The Shark) via Marty willing to part with 1/2 an inheritance he received from a rich uncle who traveled with Dr. Livingstone in the jungles of Africa when his uncle wasn’t serving as President of Milford Mercedes-Benz)

“If rhinos have trespassed into your bathtub uninvited, call The Shark today at 1-FON-THE-JAWS. We’ll fight to get get you the money you deserve.”

“I had my right leg chewed off by my neighbor’s leopard who lives down the hallway from my apartment in Milford Luxury Suites. I found out that he’d been housebroken since he was a kitty but that no trainer was available to control the predator instincts,  something my neighbor failed to report to the landlord. The Shark attacked my neighbor and the leopard and it was roadkill when the dust settled (displaying $3,475,975,024,960, 847 check) . Thanks, Shark.”

“Did a baby elephant demolish your backyard patio verandah, Smokemaster grill included, and send several people, children, embroyos, etc., to Milford General Hospital for multiple injuries and deaths? Call The Shark today!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

Seen on The Bucket marquee

“Bucket Sampler

Spaghetti, Lasagna, Egg Plant Fettucine, 3-Bean Salad, Medium Drink (Mudlar-K-Choc-ola excluded), 2 Breadsticks, Parmesan Cheese included, 8.99

Pop quiz on the 16th-century Italian Renaissance this Friday-know how to spell ‘Titian’, ‘La epoca del penseroso della citta della Roma’, and ‘Arther Fonzarelli-The Fonz'”

 

“IT’S A TRIP TO MUDLARK LAKE RESORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mrs. DeWindt, your husband may be dead, but we’ve thrown in a Rent-a-Boyfriend of your choice direct from the Milford Senior Living Center. You’ll enjoy the Milford Transit Authority transporting you to that dream cabin and a courtesy oxygen tank, personally autographed by George Burns, that Carol Merrill is breathing through…”

 

 

 

This one’s for Crystal at the Edwardsville, Indiana Marathon(across the road from Edwardsville United Methodist Church, from either place you could run the 100-yard dash to I-64). She ALWAYS has a smile on your face and lets you know how much she appreciates your business which explains why the place is ALWAYS busy. The mechanics there are always hoppin’ as well as there are ALWAYS vehicles in the lot, waiting to be fixed. They do good work at a fair price, folks. Gang, unless you are in Timbuktu, swing on by and patronize this business. They have earned my respect, as well as several other peoples’ respect, to make things a hell of a better store.

Sure, we all shop at Wal-Mart. But you need to be somewhere where EVERYBODY knows your name. Crystal knows mine. Support small business. Keep America strong.

 

“And Seven Chinese Brothers have sent a booming kick straight into orbit. We have an Official’s Time-Out as the grounds crew is being sent to one of Jupiter’s moons, Io, to retrieve the ball. This will give me an opportunity to take a commercial break. Milford cuts into the lead with 7:24 remaining in the 3rd Quarter with the score, Tates Creek, 28, Milford, 17, you’re listening to Marty Moon, the voice of WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

Mr. Price has entered the office of the Milford Men’s Clinic.

Several minutes later, the secretary, unwilling to admit her sadistic pleasure at observing the poor, timid creature, meekly reading the April 2004 issue of “Family Circle”, trying to devour the article ‘How to Spread Mulch More Evenly on your Petunias in the ‘Hood of Milford'”

“May I help you?”

“Um, yes, perhaps you can. I’m here to see a doctor about my, well, let me express myself as best that I can, dearth of sexual fortitude. I am filled with a mortal disturbance that my wife continually calls me, how did she utter the words, oh, yes, ‘limpdick’.”

Ceasing her sadistic streak, once again becoming Donna Reed behind the sliding glass window

“No problem, Sir. It’s always good to come in for an oil change. You’ll be good as new comin’ out of the shop. We need you to fill out these papers.”

As the secretary hands Mr. Price  a clipboard with 27 sheets of homework. Peter Brady isn’t around to assist. Not even Peter’s snow jobs will get Mr. Price out of this one.

“I like how you filled out my Aflac Insurance Papers. Many secretaries skip the part on where I attended kindergarten. And thank you for mercifully skipping the part on how I get myself sexually pumped before bedtime (not willing to admit he humps a Cabbage Patch Doll) .”

“You still haven’t stated in the section on Sexual Activity how many times per week you’ve had sex with your wife. And we need to know if you’ve EVER had any extramarital affairs, Mr. Price.”

After putting himself through the meat grinder, Mr. Price has FINALLY reached the summit of Mt. Everest. He BS’d his way through the part on bondage tools (“I merely pretend I’m Roy Rogers and Dale Evans is The Dalton Gang”-none of that remotely true) and proudly turns in his Mona Lisa.

The secretary, sensing that much of this is sexaul malarkey, gets her revenge by foisting on Mr. Price another piece of paper.

A POP QUIZ

And this time, it’s unexpected.

“Have at it, Mr. Price. And take your time. There are no right or wrong answers. Respond the way you feel.”

Mr. Price, feeling like Bugs Bunny when Elmer Fudd is aiming his Uzi in Bugs’ rabbithole, is unsure where to begin. Thank God he has plenty of Papermates.

1)  When my wife sees me in my BVD’s, she creams all over the bed   A)  True  B)  False

2)  It’s a toss-up between my wife and my 3 basset hounds as to who’s more excited to see me  A)  True  B)  False

3)  I am deeply affected when I read in Archie Comix that Archie Andrew stopped in his jalopy in an alley behind Pop’s Choklit Shoppe and tells Jughead Jones that he’s breaking up with Veronica Lodge and has an interest in Jughead  A)  True  B)  False

4)  I share the same feelings when Jughead Jones tells Archie that he’ll stick to his hamburgers, thank you, and has no interest in women or men  A)  True  B)  False

5)  I am overwhelmed and share the same hurt when Midge tells Moose that he’s as erect as an unused garden hose  A)  True  B)  False

6)  If I were in a thong bikini at the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club, my wife would be fighting off the other women when I’m up on stage boogieing to “Disco Inferno”  A)  True  B)  False

7)  I worry that my students in my 4th Period Greek and Roman Civilization class talk behind my back about my erectile problems concerning my wife  A)  True B)  False

8)  If I see Penthouse or Playboy or Oui displayed on the magazine racks up front at the Milford 7-11 during my lunch hour, I really fight the urge to buy one (or two or…) to heighten my awareness of the situation rather than call my wife where she works and arrange a quickie  A)  True  B)  False

9) The only intimate contact I make is when I feed the lambs Ensure Chocolate Delight at the Milford Petting Zoo.

10) I get sexual ecstasy from laying my soul bare on this Pop Quiz and am willing to tell my wife at home, after she was chewed out by her boss today at work, the same thing

“Well, as you perhaps might have surmised, my sexual station was quite in arrears. But thanks to the Milford Men’s Clinic, I was permitted to rediscover my inner Chi and gain newfound respect with my wife. I didn’t need to render the services of Peter Brady to, shall we say, Bullshit my way(First for everything, Mr. Price, Peter would be proud) through my saturnine erectile dysfunction. With treatment programs that work, my students have noticed my more congenial comportment since I have been able to GET IT ON (a load off his brain which can focus now on grading essays “Caesar’s Relationships with his Generals”)  with my wife at the 22nd hour of the day. Come try them today. You will not be disappointed.”

Comment away, gang. I remember a Major League baseball player, Alex Johnson, reputed to be somewhat sullen, being asked by a reporter “Alex, last year you hit 15 home runs but this year you’ve belted out 20 dingers. What’s the difference?”

“5.”

Kinda sorta how I wanted to answer P2.

 

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“Police Raid Turns Up Giraffe In O.J.’s Apartment!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Simpson will have to pay $1000 fine and perform 100 hours of community service.”

October 6, 2018

Milford is up Shit Creek

Filed under: actual action, football, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 3:43 pm

First of all – sorry for my delinquincy yesterday– combination of busy day and lack of motivation to do this storyline.. but I’m back today so here goes.

So here’s what we have so far:

  1. Tiki Jansen transfered from another school, played cornerback the first game, and is now the new safety, replacing ..?
  2. Sam Finn is the best punter but they cant find another long snapper so he’s it.
  3. Freddy Malouf was the punter the first game and is out, replaced by #4.
  4.  Mike Filion, who is also the starting QB and will give punting a try.
  5.  Joe Bolek, former competent punter somewhere who doesnt want to play but may try.

And we’re only in Week 2!!

So we may possibly have 3 different guys punt in 3 games, if Fillion is bad and Bolek suits up next week. And Punter # 4 would be Finn in Week 4; at this rate the game would be in November.

Anyone else roaming the hallways they can ask? Good God almighty. Its so laughable it makes me cry. They might as well put a huge sign on the wall:

WANTED: PUNTER> NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY. APPLY ANYWHERE OUTSIDE A CLASSROOM. DEADLINE: CHRISMAS.

Holy crap.

All this time Finn is the guy to do it but the dildos cant find another long snapper! Jesus, have the damn regular center snap during practice and you’re good to go. How much time are we gonna spend on this assinine situation? What the hell are they doing during practice? We already broached the idea of a soccer player helping out but its fallen on deaf ears. 3 morons sit in front of a computer and marvel at the new ‘software’ but they dont have a damn brain between them!

I’m figuring the final answer is, yep, Tiki Jansen. But god the taffy pull to get to it. 5 punters in 1 season! And they have so many other issues besides this one. If theyre anywhere near a solid team, the punter wouldnt matter much anyway.

To the strip: Love how Jansen the new safety is playing 50 yards behind everyone else. I guess Gil said defend the goal line no matter where everyone else is. Doh.

Another idea if Fillion is half decent at punting is trying a quick kick from the regular formation once in a while when theyre in 3rd and very long. But no way do they think of that one. It actually works most of the time because nobodys back that far on defense for the kick if theyre playing a normal dime.

I’m going out on a limb and saying Milford will have more punters then victories this year. Any takers?

 

 

 

October 3, 2018

I came here to snark on bad coaching, not to become a cineaste!

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Kaz and Joe stood there and looked at each other in silence for five minutes?  That settles it: Kaz is not salaried faculty or staff but hourly contingent labor. In any universe even remotely based in reality a coach might have given a student 5 seconds – okay, 10 seconds if we’re being generous – to answer before telling them to get out of their office the hallway and go to their next period class, or catch a school bus, or whatever.

As with The Legend of Bagger Vance, I’m not going to rehash the plot of Rififi here. The Wikipedia entry for the film states that “[a]fter he was blacklisted from Hollywood, [Director Jules] Dassin found work in France where he was asked to direct Rififi. Despite his distaste for parts of the original novel, Dassin agreed to direct the film. He shot Rififi while working with a low budget, without a star cast, and with the production staff working for low wages.” Low budget? No stars? Staff working for low wages? We could be talking about the Mudlark football team and its coaching staff.

I’d be okay with the next 28 panels of this strip having no dialogue and just action. You?

 

metapost: Do any of you loyal readers read TWIM on a smartphone?  I compose it on a Dell laptop with AdBlock Plus installed, but usually read comments during the day on an Android phone. Often when I do, I get spammy popup ads telling “Dear Andriod User” that I have won something or other and which I cannot close or navigate away from without closing my browser.  If anyone else is having those problems, please comment (I mean, in addition to any snark) so we can get to the bottom of this. Thanks.

September 26, 2018

Save Filion

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Today’s missing panel 4:

Kaz (chasing Andre Ruffin down the hall because, unlike Gil, he doesn’t have the power to pull kids out of class): Who’s this punter Mike Filion told me you know about?

Andre Ruffin: Um, he’s sick. My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw him pass out at Schultz’s Polynesian Garden last night. I guess it’s pretty serious.

Who is this imposter claiming to be Mike Filion, anyway? Whigham needs to find a model for Filion and stick with it.  No matter how he looks, Filion has smarts enough to throw Kaz off his scent.  He saw that shitshow unfold in Oakwood and wants no part of it. Maybe he’s no unicorn in football cleats but he knows that one roughing the kicker call (and I wouldn’t put it past Valley Tech to try it) and Milford’s out a starting QB.

Anyone wanna bet that the kid who used to be pretty good at punting is movie buff Joe Bolek? Yeah, didn’t think so.

 

September 18, 2018

A Mediocre Football Game Is Better Than Paintbrushes Chewed Up By The Dog

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At a Mudlark football practice one day held at the Luke Bunkin Multiplex Practice Facility:

I WANNA BE A GIL THORP RANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanna be a Gil Thorp Ranger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANNA LIVE A LIFE OF DANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanna live a life of danger!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

LET’S GO!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WUSSIES’LL NEVER TACKLE, LET ALONE PUNT, IF YOU LOAF LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!! THE PLOT LASTS 3 MONTHS INTO SUPER BOWL WEEKEND AND WE GOTTA STAY FIT. ALRIGHT, SAY IT AGAIN

I WANNA BE A GIL THORP RANGER!!!!!!!!!!

I wanna…

“Seconds” by U2 is blaring over the intercom at the facility.  Gotta keep the troops motivated. Plus, “New Year’s Day” seems to have improved the punting technique of a few Mudlarks.

 

Man, this is getting ridiculous. Who better than to turn a no-brainer into a quasi-dilemma? Ya say ya don’t know what a dilemma is? Okay, for all of you who got an “A” in Modern Vocabulary in high school (ME ME ME!!!!!!!) ,  you can take your dog for a walk and let him/her piss on his/her favorite fire hydrant while I explain to the rest of the numbskulls who were pulling wings from flies or tripping little old ladies while they were in the crosswalk on a busy street corner in downtown Milford even as the teacher was trying his/her damndest to define supercalifragilisticgetsmeoutadocious ((I think the second s in the word has 2 of ’em) . “It’s the atomic number for carbon!!!!!! Y’know, the black stuff that blows out your tailpipe?” “What’s atomic number?”

Dilemma, Gil, is when you’re stuck with basically 2 options, neither one very appealing but also have equal merits. To go one way, is to get the bad consequences and the good consequenes of the other and vice versa. Gil, what you said REALLY isn’t a dilemma. Granted, a mediocre punt meant that, well, at least you got off the kick and if the chickenshit punt receiver tries to do an end-around and finds himself cornered by Mudlarks and regresses even further and winds up on their own 2-yard line when the PR should have taken his punishment like a man and started at, say, their own 39-yard line, not great but STILL decent field position, then at least your Mudkarks got SOMETHING out of a potentially disastrous situation.

What GOOD consequences arises to the surface from a botched punt?

“Kaz, let’s screw this thing all to Hell and have Finn sail the damn thing over Malouf’s head and once Malouf picks it up at our own 20-yard line, have him kick it toward the goalpost for a field goal attempt. Rumors are he has a booming foot. We’ll call it Razzle-Dazzle Get on the Good Foot, C’mon, Double Out Right Curl Slant Option Wishbone Formation on two.”

“Way ahead of you, Gil. I’ve got it written in the playbook, on down to Razzle-Dazzle. Should the fullback pick up the nose guard on the blitz?”

“Nah, Finn can botch and chew gum at the same time. He oughta be ready for the gorilla comin’ to sack Malouf.”

 

I tried to tell you I can’t punt

But I’m never talking to you again

I showed you every way, you grunt

And I’m never talking to you again

I’m never talking to you

I’m tired of wasting all my time

Trying to talk to youuuuuuuuuu

Talking to you.

 

BTW, that isn’t Tiki’s car at the top of the pile in Husker Du’s “Zen Arcade”. As long as I’m quoting one of my favorite groups, just thought I’d set the record straight.

 

 

Sent forth from the realm of TV Land

Bringing truth and justice to our hands

It’s Milkmannnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!

 

“I like it cold.”

 

Tiki is moping in his war-torn sedan in the middle of the Luke Bunkin Multiplex Practice Facility. Is there more to life than football? Will Maine ever field an NBA franchise? Does a skunk shit in the woods (more than likely yes on the last question) ?

“…I’m glad you introduced me

And I hope you’ll understand

I’ll be faithful to this bottle in my handdddddd.”

 

Milkman has just dropped off 3 crate of Milford Dairy Skim Milk  at the Milford 7-11 and is just about to clock out when he spots Tiki, which he’s able to do by the blaring music.

“Tiki, when you’re screaming George Jones, I know things aren’t kosher in Mudlarkland. Why the honky tonk offering on your Close ‘n’ Play?”

“Milkman, my piece of shit just got shittier. It’s got a busted headlight, kids spray-painted “wash me” on the ash tray, and there’s more dents than dimples in a golf ball. To top it off, the car won’t start.”

“Tiki, I think your problem is very easy to solve. One day, my milk truck wouldn’t start and I was putting my Christianity to the test attempting to get to the root of the problem. I kept my profanity to a minimum but it was getting to the point where before too long I would sound like Bruce Willis in “Die Hard” (“Can’t you get the milk truck started?” “Does it sound like I’m ordering a fucking pizza?”) . Finally, my boss came out and calmly and gently put his arm around me and said ‘I believe you need one of these.’ And when I put the key in my ignition, I was able to finish my rounds at the Milford Toyata plant. I was overjoyed that I was able to deliver fresh Milford Dairy Homemade Ice Cream Blueberrry/Cheese Cake to the starving masses. And this (pulling a car key out of a container of  Milford Dairy Reduced Fat Kosher Prepared Cottage Cheese) should solve your problem.”

WOW MILKMAN THANKS HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU???????

“Gentlemen, start your engines!!!!!!!!”

Tiki takes the cue, fires up the busted commodity and flies off the Multiplex Practice Facility playing Tammy Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man”, loud enough for Oakwood to hear it.

 

As Milkman drives into the sunset

“Milk is the Key of Life.”

 

Now THIS is what gets me. We’ve spent all this time in the Agora with Socrates and Plato debating the merits and demerits of Democracy vs. Republicanism, with Jeremy Bentham, John Locke, Adam Smith, and John Kenneth Galbraith thrown in, I mean, they’re chewing through The Invisible Hand Theory (“No, Plato, the butcher will let The Hand determine if he should tell the customer that his Ground Round has flies in it.” “On the contrary, Socrates, the government should swoop in like John Maynard Keynes on Bad Hair Day and rescue the customer from this rancid set of circumstances and inform him before this customer develops herpes and is therefore incapable of sustaining himself in The Good Life.” ” I respectfully disagree, Plato” said I) , only to have the Romans come in and Rambo the Acropolis, Delphi’s Oracle, the Parthenon, Mount Olympus, and even the Labyrinth, after all that work the Minotaur put into it only to watch it reduced to plaster,  and drive the Greeks to the Rock of Gibralter.” Yeah, Gil, Bad Hair Day is better than dandruff, I suppose, but it looks like a football game, or a sport played of ANY kind, Hell, I’ll accept hopscotch at this point, would keep this strip in character and my sanity in order,  I’m that desperate for the Lincoln/Douglas debate to end and get READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL (“I move that we put a moratorium on this debate so that the good people of Quincy can watch the Bears/Packers game and we resume after the contest, assuming that is acceptable to Senator Douglas.”) !!!!!!!!!!!

 

Gang, get ready, cuz Gene Rayburn is rarin’ to go with another Match Game 2018 question. Take ‘er away, Big Guy.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE???????) , she thought mediocre sex was better than a botched ________________.

 

Gil and Carrie White one night in the Milford HS chem lab.

“Carrie, you really get me erect. I don’t care what your Pentecostal mom says about you, your dirty pillows are better than Charmin Deluxe at the Milford IGA. You are saved, filled with the Holy Ghost and sexy. Let’s spend the night together.”

Carrie, weary of hearing that line after listening to the song 1000 times on Gil’s 8-track (“Coach, I didn’t know you were a Stones fan”) in his classic ’76 Plymouth Duster still lightly nods her head, a bit shy. Let The Games begin.

 

The Games are interrupted by a short in the Torch.

 

“Coach Thorp, you’re a hunk and I don’t mean to be disrespectful, you’re the teacher and coach, but…where is it?”

“Hmmmmmmm, I could have sworn I read more Penthouses than L’il Audrey Comix this week in preparation for The Moment. Is nothing peeping out?”

“Do I need to drop a coin to find out?”

Here, let me look in the Grand Canyon. The Colorado River is trickling here somewhere. Wow!!!!! I didn’t know Gila Monsters lived down this far. Hope they don’t drown but they probably won’t the way my ED is flaring up again. You have any IcyHot? Man, that cactus is dangerously close to my pubic hair. Ah, here’s the Lily of the Valley. Take me to the river, Carrie. Carrie? Carrie?….Carrie?

Carrie?

Gil searches around the house and turns up nada. He combs every nook and cranny of the house, then finally walks outside. He scales the front, careful not to step on Mimi’s plumerias, and heads to the back. He spots an old gravemarker by his Toro riding mower, just beyond the 3-point arc of his basketball court where he works with Keri and Jaime on their game in preparition for their pre-school league where they’re defending champions. Gil kneels and reads the inscription of the grave marker.

 

Carrie White and Principal Ek burn in Hell!!!!!!!!!!

 

SUDDENLY a woman’s hand with a Mudlark engraved into a bracelet and a man’s hand donned with a Milford HS gold watch both grab Gil.

Gil yells at the top of his lungs, desperately clinging to his Soul, scraping and scratching and clawing to keep from being dragged down to the pits of Hell.

“Gil, I’m here, I’m here, Gil, I’m here. I’m here, Gil…”

 

“Boy, what a nightmare. Thank God I had an ED injection ready by the nightstand. Mimi and I had a quickie and I returned to Heaven. Principal Ek and Carrie would have to endure the Lake of Fire by themselves. Fortunately, I would not commingle.

The Milford Men’s Clinic can cure your Erectile Dysfunction as well so that there’s no weeping nor gnashing of teeth. Shoot, it performs better than Sominex so YOU can perform better than Sominex!! I know, Mimi conked out just at the point of climax. You’ll be off to La La Land with a boner the size of a Coney Island dog. But don’t take my word for it, come to the Milford Men’s Clinic at their new location in Downtown Milford, right between the World Trade Center Towers. There’s free parking on the 100th floor. It can’t get any easier than that. My erection seemed to think so. Check ’em out today and check out the view from the Observation Deck on the 98th floor while you’re at it. You can see all the way to North Dakota and Apartment 3-G on a clear day. An erection with a view, now that’s the ticket.”

 

Gang, go to it. A bad commentary is better than a good Gil episode at this point.

 

“Hi, I’m Dennis Weaver. I was chased by a crazy oil rig driver all over the country. As a result, I developed Fybromyalgiacenterofibrosis of the panatella and the lateral cruciate ligament. I also received several head injuries, one on the medulla oblongata, one on the right dorsal lymphoid tissue of my cerebellum, and one on the frontal parietal bone, barely missing my left occipital lower cranial cavity, just getting off with a contusion. Then my butt hurt something awful from sittin’ so long, runnin’ my ass off from this lunatic. Thank God for The Shark. He helped me recover my back wages from lost time at work and the insurance company even paid for the IcyHot to soothe my butt. And we even found out that the driver was Charles Manson and that his driver’s license had expired, so he not only received more prison time for his escape but got his license revoked. The company paid extra on my center ventral maxilla for hirin’ him. If ya got a cell phone handy whether you’re at work or sittin’ on the john workin’ out yore IRA, it’s 1-FON-THE-JAWS.”

 

” I’m Joe Sharkey. Don’t fight Milford Mutual alone. One call, that’s all.”

September 14, 2018

Oh buddy you’ve got more then 2 problems

Panel 1 features 2 guys talking to each other while not looking at each other. And the paint scheme didnt go too well, so why the HELL are we wasting panel space on it?? 10 minutes of watching kids paint. Really scintilating television. I’m signing up for the Milford Channel asap. Then the cops show up. Boy thats a surprise. Blocking off a street for say, a block party, requires written approval from your local authorities. You cant just take a horse and stick it in the middle of a street. Hey, maybe I’ll block off Michigan Avenue for a protest tomorrow. How you think that’ll go? 10 minutes? Maybe 5.

Aaand back at football, the boys are stretching while Big Yellow Hair Guy finishes Gils sentence. They do that a lot in this strip. One person says something and the other one finishes the thought. How often does that happen in real life? My guess is –no kicker, and no punter, and the solution is– use a lineman to do both. They used to do that all the time in the pros. Paul Hornung was a punter as well as a halfback. Who was Joe Recichar? He held the NFL record for the longest field goal made, at 58 yards, until Tom Dempsey broke it with a 63-yarder. Recichar was a lineman for the Colts. (Dempseys record has since been broken) I once answered a trivia contest in the local newspaper regarding that fact, and had my name in the paper. Cool.

 

September 11, 2018

“Don’t Let The Insurance Companies Gouge You On Your Sorry Piece Of Crap.”

Filed under: big arms, lessons learned, Milford Idiots, The Bucket, The Legend of Joe Sharkey — tdrewhardin @ 3:44 pm

09112018

“Hi, I’m attorney Joe Sharkey with Sharkey and Sons. You might have remembered me from the ’70’s when I could hit the ball a ton but the plotlines ruined my career. Things happen. But they SHOULDN’T happen to you. I might have lost 2 fingers but I sued the sawmill company and live in a nice subdivision, Mudlark Chase, for my efforts. You can live on Easy Street too for your lost appendages. If you or your loved one have been injured in a car accident or your automobile winds up like P2 where you can’t tell the difference between that and Archie’s Jalopy, call The Shark today at 1-FON-THE-JAWS. Insurance companies are hard at work making sure you get no more than your hand can handle out of a gumball machine. Let us fight for you and get you the money you deserve.”

“Hi, I’m Melba Hateley and my back was thrown out when Marty Moon backed a Milford Mini-Transit bus out of Milford Beverage Warehouse and rammed my Mo-Ped. I was getting a dried prune liqueur after a hard day at Milford Foundry when Mr. Moon forgot to check his blind spot in order to make up for lost time after being held up in line in the Warehouse on his lunch break. He was so determined to get his Vodka and run, he rear-ended me and threw me several feet, almost winding up in the Milford Sanitation Truck. I was in the hospital for several weeks from my injury plus a couple more days from Milford General Hospital Garbage Removal and Dermal Disinfecting Procedures. I needed just compensation for my lost wages. Thank God for The Shark.”

“Just remember, one call, THAT’S ALL.”

 

Well, gang, I think you can deduce where I’m going with this one. P2 just got the ball rolling and took things out to orbit.
Thanks for the tip, Tiki. I needed a few pointers on how to break the ice with people I’ve just met. Show ’em my ’69 Ford Mercury 400 V-8 that’s holed up at Milford Scrap Metal, Inc., explaining how I’m going to maneuver this vehicle out of the yard in time for the Milford High School Prom next Spring. “And the winner, for 2 tickets to the Milford Imax Theater, for the vehicle most likely to be sold piece-by-piece on E-Bay…”

 

Tonight at 8, MST (Mudlark Standard Time), catch all the action as Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw battles the streets of Milford to harness drug traffic caused by a gang of Mudlark punks. Will he make it out alive in time for the next film session? Stay tuned for another exciting episode right after The Jetsons right here on WDIG-TV.”

 

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw steps of his Texas Mudlark Ranger Cruiser after pulling over a mini-van with 5 teenagers.

“I need to see your driver’s license and registration.” as he spits towards the road. He has made the mistake of expectorating his Red Man Bubble Yum chaw towards a serial killer on the lam before (“Whoops, sorry”, holding off the psycho’s urge to pull his Colt .45 from under the seat, especially when Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw handed him a Bounty-the quick picker-upper).

Items are given to Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw. Everything is in order, down to the VIN.

“I have a search warrant on a suspicion of your smuggling electronic cigarettes across the county, part of a ring from Milford to Oakwood.”

“Sir, we just came from football practice. If you’d been there, you’d know.”

Trying to recover face that’s been lost now and for 60 years

“Yeah, well, what’s that in your cup holder?”

“Those are candy cigarettes, peppermint and lemon-lime. Want one? Besides, we’re not allowed to eat something after a grueling practice?”

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw never accepts bribes, plus it wouldn’t mix well with his chaw, getting nasty images of him spitting THAT combo on the road and heads back to his squad car. Later, on his cell phone to HQ

“I think we can close the book on this one” as he nukes a raccoon in the parking lot of the Milford General Baptist Church with his chaw.

AS closing credits on the show appear on the screen, Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw is seen returning to his original identity, sipping Milford 7-11 Diet Cherry Cappuccino while dissecting game film with Coach Kaz, the kittycat meowing in the MTM Enterprises logo (spinoff from the Mary Tyler Moore Show?-no way) signifying the show is FINALLY over-well, until the next blow anyway.

 

P1: Who knows what lurks in the minds of teenage boys with nothing but nasty cars in their possession that he perhaps hot-wired in a farmer’s pig-sty somewhere, fresh with pig doo-doo in the trunk? And is willing to divulge and share with his friends so that his friends too might be dragged down on the vessel Charon to share the same fate as Proserpina? Where souls suffer day and night because Marty isn’t there from the Milford Transit Authority even if Marty flunked the oral portion of the B License exam because he forgot to memorize the weight of a B vehicle per se? They can no longer make fun of his slamming on the brakes at an intersection because the Thorp kids got too careless in the streets? THE SHADOW KNOWS.

That, or it’s a murder scene of Frankenstein. Hope the Milford Police had plenty of “Do Not Cross” tape on that one.

 

 

And of course, I drew a blank just when that next Classic Comedy Schtik, a la Moby Dick or Great Expectations was ready to emanate from my brain. Just not my day, gang.

And I’m just a little antsy over WHO SHOT COACH SHAW? Maybe that’s the reason the ideas flow until they hit the floodwall. Yeah, that’s it. My Christian Conscience is stemming the spark of creativity. Don’t let Do The Right Thing get trumped from artistic expression.

 

If ya bought a car because ya got a fetish for a beat-up sorry-ass-excuse-for-a-car-ta-drive-ta-work-on-third-shift-at-the-Milford-Foundry but ya kick the tires just ta make shore ya git thar, ya might be a redneck.

 

Okay, gang, back by popular demand, Gene Rayburn is back at the helm for Match Game 2018 ready for you to keep those wits a-blazin’. We’re ready, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE?????), she thought Tiki meant______________ in  Micropolynesian.

 

Shout-out to Elizabeth Thompson in Louisville, Kentucky. She goes to school as a volunteer to help tutor and make sure kids get their lunches and offer encouragement, especially to the underprivileged kids. This is a much-needed service and the best thing is it’s FREE. Elizabeth, the kids lack something when you’re not there. Keep being that parent that perhaps some of these kids don’t have and keep nagging them to aspire to greater heights. They’ll thank you for it when they get older. God Bless you in your efforts.

 

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared of Charges in Coach Shaw Shooting!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Key witnesses confirm he was at a Jehovah’s Witness Convention in Richmond, Virginia; plus, the gloves to the weapon were several sizes too small and used for gardening.”

 

A shout-out is in order for Better Bargains on Cane Run Road and Lower Hunter’s Trace Road in Louisville, Kentucky. They have great buys on many items, including chips and drinks. Just walk in the door and you’ll see a display case with nothing BUT chips. Love it. They have several grocery items reasonably priced not to mention a few goodies (yum yum!!!!!) like Hostess and Little Debbie. Skip the Wal-Mart route and come on down and indulge. The staff has ALWAYS been nice and friendly to me and that just tops off my feelings towards this place. Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood, stop on in. Support small businesses. You NEED a place where everybody knows your name.

 

And I’m not EVEN going to comment on P3. People in the graveyard behind The House of the Seven Gables KNOW it’s The Bucket, NOT The Pail. Stuuuu-pid. That’s right, Ren, tell Stimpy that it’s The Bucket, NOT THE PAIL.

 

“Well, Coach, sounds like another runaround session to me. And we’ll be back for some final thoughts after this. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field
Sports.”

 

“Man, I’m like James Brown!!!!!!!!! I FEEEEEELLLLLL GOOD!!!!!!!!!! No more ridin’ around in that wheelchair like the pony at the Milford Wal-Mart!!!!!!!! I’m ready to tackle the world!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Great, Honey, you can tackle me first!!!!!!!!!”

“Blubba, blooba, bleeba, I might fumble the snap. Plus, I wasn’t good at the wraparound technique when I played. Hit ’em like a ton of bricks and hope they fall like a set of dominoes.”

“Well, you can jump on this player once you’ve knocked her cold. It’s not as if I’m returning the fumble for a 99-yard-score.”

“I wasn’t very fast. By the time they were at the 20-yard-line on the other end, I just went to the bench and doused myself with the water bottle”

“You still have to get up for the handshake after the game.”

“Glippy glop gloopy, ippy oppy, ooppy, la la la lo lo, I was a poor sport. If we didn’t win by at least 35, I hit the showers behind the Coach’s back. I had no respect for a bunch of sissies, especially when they played like girls.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What do you mean? I got all the paperwork filled out for that unicorn tag during bow season. I even dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s.”

“The female end of things?”

“I’ll have to check Doe Season on unicorns,especially with a handgun. I’m not certain if you can use a Sig Sauer. I didn’t find that in the huntin’ manual.”

“I’m a girl, Honey.”

Coach Shaw scratches head in slight confusion

“You’re not listed in any season. I could have sworn I didn’t see you. I’ll write a letter to the Game Warden.”

 

“Well, as you can see, I did a poor rendition of ‘Hair’ and I just flat out didn’t see the horns from the unicorns. When Coach Kaz showed me where the Milford Men’s Clinic was on the Milford Mall map, I got there and boy, did they open my eyes to all the treatment plans available. My erections showed me YOU ARE HERE and we went from there to Xanadu. To stand within the Pleasure Dome, indeed. I never read this Colby Jack Taylor but he musta got erections by the bucketful in that cave he found. But, men, you don’t gotta go to Mammoth Cave for you to get it on at the Holiday Inn Express with your honey. Stop in at the Milford Men’s Clinic today. Eliminate the bats in your cave and free your significant other. You’ll be glad you did.”

Gang, you’re on. My dad is going to tow the car to our core business and see how much we can sell to Jasper Engines. They always need used parts.

 

“Hello, I’m Spud Witherspoon. My hearing went tone-deaf after The Pirate Network blew a load at Marty Moon. I got a settlement with TPN after I lost my job on the Milford & Oakwood Express as a conductor because my hearing went all to Hades. One day, the train almost collided with a Union Pacific because I couldn’t hear the train whistle, signalling take-off. I had to call The Shark. Now, I’m a new man after TPN paid for my Beltone and I got my job back after 6 months. No more landing the M & O on Gil’s back patio. And my lost wages paid for my son’s scholarship to Powell College, the same school Gil wussed out on.”

“You heard the man. If you’ve been injured in an accident, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS to get your share of the pie. One call, THAT’S All.”

 

Heard somewhere at the Milford Mall

“How ’bout the owner of the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club?”

“Negative. He was at the Milford Convention Center for the Billy Graham Crusade.”

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