This Week in Milford

October 31, 2015

“Filming”? Who Look Dumb Now?

Filed under: Bad Jokes, freak hands, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 11:22 am


Y’know, last fall we had a nice sports-related story arc: aw-shucks, golden boy national prospect QB moves to town, takes over starting job from entitled egotist, who adapts to his crash role and helps golden boy lead Milford High to a state championship with little to no head coaching. The spring arc was even halfway plausible, with manipulative child of divorce softball pitcher with a mean streak getting bailed out of trouble by – and developing a relationship with – golden boy QB, who also fancied himself a baseball closer. (Let’s pretend that whole Bobby Howry thing never happened, shall we?)

Even with golden boy QB’s self-righteous mission this summer to kick the college football recruiting process down a notch (did he ever commit? Pretty late to be doing it now), we had a good setup for this fall and the defense of the state title. But noooo! Rubin gives us this ridiculous take on reality television, which fits in with his apparent worldview that the vast majority of teenagers are attention whores hounds who seek nothing more in life than to be in front of a camera. I’m guessing the upshot of this subplot is that the Darwin brothers will be too busy working on becoming actors that they’ll forget how to be offensive linemen: hilarity and injury ensues and the Mudlark’s defense of the crown goes down the bowl.

Honestly, Neal had given himself so much to work with that to see him bring us this hack job is disappointing – almost as disappointing as this afternoon’s edition of the WLOCP is sure to be. Time to start getting my drink on; I’m sure the trick-

or-treaters will like nothing more than to be greeted by nothing finer in the land…

Metapost: Instead of making it rain, how about just letting it?

meta-Metapost: Hey, where’d that come from? I didn’t post it…

October 29, 2015

Good Goobly Goop!

Filed under: Alan Mayne, Chunky Bracelets, Holly Dobbs, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 5:14 am


“Holly, this show sucks worse than a Dyson. If we don’t get our ratings up pronto we’re riding the dog back to Tinseltown and a life of waiting tables and prostitution.”

“I have just the idea, Alan. I’ll mess with Gil’s golden boy’s head so much the only passes he’ll be able to make are at girls. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”

Circling True like a vulture, Holly attempts to sow the seeds of sexual doubt in True’s mind. When he doesn’t bite, Alan recruits another refugee from the ’70s to do the dirty work (as if filming this crap and wearing the network logo T-shirt isn’t enough; they’re paying scale!). We know nothing about who Trish might be but no matter; she’s just a pawn in Alan and Holly’s game of love.

Next on Welcome Back, Carter: We’ve replaced the spinach in the Milford High cafeteria with wild parsley!

October 22, 2015

Need a Few More Laughs? Whigham’ll Draw ’em In for Ya

Filed under: Alan Mayne, Chunky Bracelets, Holly Dobbs, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 4:32 am


Kids these days, with the texting and the tweeter and the bookface and the never-ending desire for a few seconds of fame (15 minutes? ain’t nobody got time for that), amirite? I’m sorry but even among the teens and pre-teens I know currently, outdated media jokes fall flat. These kids would think Dor(k)y’s joke is as lame as the whole premise for this reality show.

I’m disappointed we don’t get a close-up of Holly in P2. Just as well as makeup probably covered over those claw marks Mimi left behind. Check out that wingspan though! Maybe she should’ve been coaching women’s hoops back in the day.

October 21, 2015

It Needed Some Zip


Inasmuch as I have almost no contact with kids that aren’t nearly the same age as my own, I don’t have a real good feel for how the highschool kids these days behave. However, if they are anything like my peers were at this age, I don’t think Tricky Dick Travolta would be getting a whole lot of sincere feedback on day 35 of wearing his white, not quite zoot suit over a black dress shirt with flared collar. Just saying: the kids might find him a little ‘off’.

Dory does seem to be that particular make of Milford Idiot who can provide comic relief. He’s got the wacky name which, if not quite Hall of Name worthy, does deserve to be in the conversation, he’s shaping up to have some sort of manic need for attention and he uses a Flowbee to cut his hair… However, it seems he and Alan are both going to miss out on the Mimi-Holly contretemps which would truly drive the ratings bonanza that is Welcome Back Carter.

Bonus points: English 101? Is Dory in AP English or something?

September 28, 2015

This Show Is Headed Down The Primrose Way To The Everlasting Bonfire

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, freak hands, Milford Idiots — nedryerson @ 4:02 am


Cameras are rolling on Welcome Back, Carter starring Holly Dobbs. Nothing says reality show high school English like some Shakespeare and some spontaneous sports related fist raising. C’mon idiots, get those fists up there, as if you don’t care, pray thee, odds bodkins, etc.

September 26, 2015

Marty Wants a Gal That’s Dreamy…

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Chunky Bracelets, freak hands, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 3:37 pm


Hints of the late 1950s in Milford today, as “Grease” is the word at the Coffee Cantina and in Tricky Dick Travolta’s hair. Note how suavely he holds out his monster pinky while washing down his pie with a steaming hot mug of Peaberry AW HELL NAW.

Looks like smirkin’ Breck Girl Darwin has taken big brother’s advice and transferred into the class. Wonder how long before he starts polishing his “brand” in front of the camera? Meanwhile I’m imagining that the blackboard behind Holly reads “Ms. Dobie” since she’s gonna play the love interest to the very Maynard G. Krebs-like Marty Moon.

Trying to make Shakespeare hip and relevant has backfired many a time over the past few centuries. Holly better watch out she doesn’t earn herself a kick in the hall.

September 19, 2015

A Dear in the Footlights

Filed under: Marty Moon, Milford Idiots, What the hell is going on here? — teenchy @ 1:30 pm


Maybe you all are right: maybe this is Tricky Dick Travolta, or at the very least a guy who’s dressing up as Vincent Vega for Jack Rabbit Slim’s night at Schultz’s Polynesian. Don’t ask me why Keith Hernandez has taken a gig as his lighting technician, though. I thought he had a pennant race to cover.

Meanwhile Marty’s pulled out all the stops to play Holly’s publicist: he pulled his old Erector set out of storage and hooked it up to hold empty liquor bottles covered in pipe insulation. Holly flashes a little cleavage to lead Marty down the rabbit hole and hints she’s done similar to the Milford school superintendent. For this whole reality show troupe to materialize out of nowhere in the halls of Milford High without anyone on the faculty being aware of it requires some suspension of disbelief. Of course it’s only Gil and Kaz who so far seem clueless about it, so why should today be any different?

September 17, 2015

Sobering Thoughts, Sort Of

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Coach Kaz, football, Gil Thorp, Marty Moon, Milford Idiots — teenchy @ 7:50 am


I guess it’s true what they say about Milford: Once you enter the city limits, you get handed a chunky bracelet or four. Holly Dobbs wastes no time in putting the smarm on Marty, who has probably only received come-hither looks from the St. Pauli Girl over the last four decades. Coffee with salad? Guess Marty wants to be sober for Holly’s come-on, real or perceived.

Back to the gridiron and a reminder why the on-field action will take a back seat to the off-field action this fall. Kaz’s talking chin sums up the season in a nutshell, telling us why the Mudlarks will be lucky to make the playdowns, much less make a run at another state title. All those summer camps taught True passing and eating techniques; did they teach him how to take a sack and protect the ball? If not, the increased picks and constant injuries will make Miami of Ohio look as distant as the NFL to him.

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