MeeMaw who??

Boy we have a lot to get to here so lets get crackin–

1. Most girls dont wear torn-sleeve muscle shirts. Guys do, like me. Keri is a girl as far as I know.
2. How does Keri already know how to drive? Isnt she a freshman? (I already related how only seniors could drive at my school.)
3. Its ok to like Iggy Pop but who the hell is that on her T-shirt?
4. The way the window/door is in the background indicates the room is not Keri’s bedroom but likely the living room. If so, why the hell is Iggy Pop on the wall in the living room? Gil put that there? Egads!
5. I thought Jami was older then Keri. And HE needs a ride?
6. Whoever the hell Meemaw Debbie is, why does Jamie have to make a deal like that? Mimi should only accept a yes or no answer. And its wrong for Mimi to accept that deal. Apparently Meemaw Debbie only plays right after school. Otherwise why cant one of the parents drive Jami to Lukes house? Good Lord.
7. And now Gil is concerned about Luke being a bad influence on Jami. Cripes, my parents wern’t saying stuff like that when I needed a ride somewhere. They trusted that my friends were ok.
8. Mimi, whats better, a bad friend or no friend? Apparently she doesnt care. Hey, hang around with a drug dealer for all I care. You need to make friends dude!!

You’re the only buyer, Gil

Hammstetter reveals he may continue on his path to ruin that we thought he was over, but at this point who cares what he does? All he’s doing is postponing golf and lemonade.

And how selfish is he? He’d rather write about his own eyes being opened while his sons’ wasted away instead of saving his sons vision and ending his illegal endeavors years ago. Listen to your wife Hamm! (Whichever one she is!)

And he better be his own publisher because who the hell will publish his story after hearing who he is and what he’s been doing?

And we all know how many people will buy his book– One. Gildo.

Another weak finish to a pretty sad story, and we didnt even have girls softball this season. The Fabulous Thunderbirds will tie a bow on this one.

No satisfaction

Well its great that Mr. Hamm is apparently going to be outed for whatever he did, even though this camera isnt exactly reaching a broad audience. I would think (again, nothing in this strip is anything like reality) that Hamm wouldnt agree to be interviewed if he thought he would be spotted where someone would possibly know him, but somewhere along the way he probably had a come to Jesus moment and realized he might as well come clean. Gil probably tipped off his old buddy on the phone when he called and they arranged this shenanagan of a news story.

That being said, why does the Central City guy have to put his hand up to the camera man during the interview? Finish the piece and then get on with the formalities. And what kind of authority does this guy from Central City have anyway? He’s a damn TV reporter.

And again, we still are ignoring the elephant in the room; Gregg and his eyesight that needs his ego stroked so he can have one last shot at glory, or a runner-up finish in a high school sport. When is his condition gonna be finalized so we know whats in store for him the rest of his life?

Thats what should be the first story on the news at 10.

Tommy Can You Feel Me?

“If we bunt, it’ll only be when the situation calls for it.”
“When do you think the situation calls for it, Tommy?”
“Whenever we’re at bat, Gil.”

Looks like we’re in for another episode of Chain Link Fence Theater. Mighty magnanimous of Coach Luigi Tommy from Goshen to not take advantage of The Hammmmer’s failing eyesight. Guessing his team sucks so hard they’re not in contention for the Valley title. Fear not, Tommy boy: Gil will still be able to join your foursome on Monday.

Does Scooter like to pat Gregg’s ass or what? No wonder we’ve seen so little of Charis the tennis player. We haven’t seen or heard much from Scooter Pie lately either (is he still telegraphing the pitches to Gerg?) and I kinda liked it that way. I know it’s not a carbon copy of the 6/6 strip but close enough that I’m calling it recycled. Where those bleachers came from and the direction in which they’re pointed is up for interpretation.

Rubin’s got exactly two more strips after today to wrap up Milford’s baseball season before his traditional lessons learned/walk away through a doorway strip, so the Mudlarks are about to sink faster than the Lusitania in real time. Fact of the matter is Ggerg is as shy of the limelight as his plagiarizing old man. Expect some lame pun about both of them seeing the light on Saturday.

meta: Thanks to my colleagues for stepping up in my absence. I’ll be glad to rejoin the rotation on or about July 20.

I Love the Sound of Breaking Hamms

If Rubin set out to drive clicks to Janet Cooke and Stephen Glass, not to mention Mason Hamstetter, he succeeded. Credit where credit is due, I suppose.

Janet Cooke was a writer for the WaPo who lied about her academic credentials and fabricated a story about a child heroin addict in the District. Bob Woodward – yes, that Bob Woodward – submitted the story for consideration for the Pulitzer and it won. It was soon revealed that there were discrepancies in her backstory; the WaPo board pressured her to confess and the Pulitzer was rescinded. Cook subsequently disappeared from the public eye.

Stephen Glass had been a feature writer and associate editor for The New Republic for several years when rebuttals from the subjects of his articles (D.A.R.E., the Center for Science in the Public Interest, Hofstra University, among others) began to shed light on his journalistic integrity. Glass’ bosses at TNR caught him in a lie involving a software company and its talented young hacker employee, all of which were fabrications created by Glass. He was fired by TNR then, after getting a law degree from Georgetown, was rejected for admission to the New York and California bars due to lack of moral fitness. Kinda makes you wonder why Georgetown Law let him in to begin with.

There have been other plagiarism scandals in this country, from Jayson Blair (not cleared) to Stephen Ambrose (not cleared) to Alex Haley (cleared and not cleared in separate cases) to the current President of the United States (cleared). Some of those charged have built back better than others. Seems like Mason Ham(m)stetter has kinda built back okay, so maybe he needs to chillax with his wife a little bit. It’s not like Gil’s gonna leak this to the press; he and Marty aren’t exactly best buds. Now if Heather Burns crawls out from under Gil’s desk off-panel, all bets are off.

Gil looks perplexed, doesn’t he? I haven’t seen him look like that since he was pondering whether to have an iced tea.

Musical inspiration for today’s post title:

Steamed Hamms

Reading Gil Thorp takes more than the usual suspension of disbelief (because reasons) and a really long attention span (to deal with all the smash cuts). This spring’s plot has doled out more than its share of each and today just adds to the pile.

First, we learn that Papa Hamm’s weirdness about being seen in public not drawing attention to himself extends to his family. Why, then, did he allow Gregg to play baseball to being with? More importantly, we learn that the weirdness may be a self-imposed “rule” and not a condition of being in the witness protection program. Finally we learn that Mama Hamm cuts up Papa Hamm’s food for him, which kinda damages what little credibility he may already have. (What else could she be doing behind that word balloon, giving CPR to a Cornish hen?) If anyone needs their food cut up for them in la maison du Jambon, it’s Gregg.

Smash cut to the shiny halls of MHS, where we’re supposed to believe Gil just acts on any cockamamie theory one of his players throws out to him. The fact that said player is about as big as Gil wouldn’t have anything to do with that, nosireebob. Only when the prospect of gunplay comes up does Gil spring into action. Thank goodness Rubin hasn’t attempted to write a school shooting plot yet.

Smash cut again to the house of Hamm, where Mama picks up the phone to find Gil on the other end. If Gil’s calling to act on Curtis’ hunch, what does he expect to accomplish? The first rule of the witness protection program is that you never tell anyone you’re in the witness protection program. Is he gonna talk to her about Gregg’s eyesight and all the stops he’s had to pull out to accommodate Gregg on the baseball team? That assumes she and Papa Hamm have had zero clue about his vision problem, which seems highly unlikely since someone had to take him to see the HIPAA-violating eye doc. It also assumes Gregg himself has said nothing to his parents about Gil’s – not to mention his teammates’ – accommodations.

Of course he might have, and they’ve been too busy playing fake fugitives to pay him any attention. Soon we should find out what this whole charade has been about. Most likely Papa thinking he’s more famous for his ghostwriting than he actually is.

Ryne Duren? What a quack.

This guy Gregg Hamm just wont give up will he? Its now June 3, folks. Graduation has come and gone, and at this rate we’ll be blowing off fireworks before this dude figures out his pitching days are over. Just give it up already and get help for your eyes while you can still read the E on the eye chart.

And did he forget he only pitches every 4th or 5th game anyway? This whole storyline has fallen off the tracks, and we still havent gotten to the bottom of the Dad Scared to be in Photos mystery, and the dual wives (hey I’ll take the blond in a heartbeat) plus the softball season. I knew they wernt gonna cover tennis. All for dicking around about playing with bad eyes.

Ryne Duren https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryne_Duren

was a borderline major league pitcher who wore thick glasses (like I used to) to help him see. Well Gregg already wears glasses so we crossed that off the list. Ryne apparently saw better with frames then Gregg, because he got to the big leagues. I have no idea what Cloris has in mind fixing Greggs problem with Ryne Duren, since Ryne went to the grave in 2011. Is she saying throw so wild that the opposition gets scared to face him? Again, we dance around the real problem. The ducks in P1 are leaving the scene of this storyline in search of smarter humans.

Its ap(parent) Gil is clueless

Once again I get to describe the pinnacle of the story without feeling the rush of the conclusion, like when you get to the top of a rollercoaster ride and pause for a second, before plunging down.

But first things first– since I’ve played and watched baseball, (1978) any pitcher coming in for emergency gets as much time as he needs to get ready. And Morrison fits this description eh? So why is Gildo giving him all these marching orders? Ease up again? Gotta be one of our post categories. I’m adding it way late, but whatever. Pretty moronic that Gil is concerned with Morrisons health before he throws a pitch while he blindly (no pun intended) let Hamm pitch several times plus practices before he figured out what the score was. (figure of speech)

P2 is a filler for the action after the bullpen takes over and is completely inconsequential to the storyline.

Of course Gil cant deal with a simple issue of vision right away– he will let Gregg go home and possibly trip over something on the way before he has a talk with him and a parent. Well well well– which parent will it be? Thats drama number one. Drama number two will be how Gregg describes how he managed to hide his problem that long from a coach who is truly more blind then Gregg is to not be aware of it for this long.

We need to vote on which parent it will be tomorrow. I cant figure out how to make one so just name in your comments which parent it will be– A. Mr.Hamm, B. Mrs. Hamm or C. both. I feel it will be Mrs. Hamm but if Mr. comes we can kill 2 birds with one stone and get the dope on why he’s so afraid of being photographed.

So my vote is for A. –Mr. alone.

The polls are now open!!