Pining for the fjords? No, just for some actual sports action

Oh look, Pirate Boy Levin finally got his puffy shirt, and just as Seinfeld was a show about nothing, this has become a plot about nothing.

It’s just become a mockery on so many levels it’s ceased to even be funny. The whole idea of the alternative broadcast was to compete with the WDIG broadcast and to protest Marty’s culturally insensitive references to Jorge Padilla via occasional outbursts. The outbursts haven’t been protests so much as snark; only Pirate Boy has even brought up the Pirate Network’s reason for being. And competitive? There’s been zero effort to make this anything but a bunch of goofy, childish antics. “Sportsball” is what people who are contemptuous of sports (and the people who play them) call sports. By playing up this angle, Pirate Boy & co. are as disrespectful to Jorge in their own way as Marty has been in his.

I dunno. Maybe I was expecting MPN to play the games a little straighter, showing some sensitivity to the Padillas’ situation and calling Marty out for his lack of same. Maybe Pirate Boy will hit Marty with that stick on Monday, but I’m not holding my breath.

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MPN improves its image

Well I have to say I like the hot chick in the MPN shirt way better then the clown in the pirate hat with his parrot. Hey I’ll even go to games to see her instead of Mister Pirate. Heck with staying home on Youtube. But how the hell are they listening to Marty that closely that they can hear his mistakes?? I’ve sat next to broadcasters before (High School Cube mostly ) and you can hear them, but its not like you really Listen to them with the supposed roar of the crowd. So again we have one good thing and one bad thing. If its good drawing its nonsense dialogue. If its good dialogue its shitty artwork.

How they got the logoed shirts is somewhat a mystery but its possible these days with the internet and ordering obscure stuff from obscure websites. My fantasy baseball teams name  is the Flying Tigers and I have a logo And a t-shirt with a design on it that I wear proudly during baseball season.

Back to the artwork — what the hell is that guy doing with his arms up to Martys left? Starting a wave? And who runs like that in basketball? Looks like a fuckin track meet. # 13 is looking the other way and NOT RUNNING. No wonder Marty cant concentrate – he isnt sure what sport he’s announcing anymore. Of course I’d have other issues :)

 

 

“Live from Milford!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s Saturday Night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

ALL RIGHT ALREADY, MILFORD PIRATE NETWORK, WE GET THE POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this even GIL THORP anymore?

In name only, at this juncture, as we’re not only running late with basketball but, all we’ve seen the last couple of weeks essentially is Ben Hur fending off the other ancient Mudlarks in the chariot races at the Milford Colosseum. Will the Coneheads be at Homecoming? And now we’re forced to endure Marty and any enemy Gil has had to stomach the last, say, 50 years, caught as the victims of the Milford Lion Carnage Festival. That one was originally run at the Jerry Pulver Student & Athletic Life Center at Milford High School before they moved it, now also at the M’ford Colosseum due to logistics problems. Storing lions in the visitors locker room got to be a hassle.

And nobody appreciates good comedy more than me. I grew up on Fernwood 2 Night and laughed until I was sick, they were so funny. But when I want to listen to my favorite team, high school, college, or pro, I’M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR BARTH GIMBLE TO PERFORM HIS COMEDY SPIEL FOR 4 QUARTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, if you like Steve Martin doing his King Tut rendition(“Born in Babylona, raised a Milford Mudlark, KING TUT”) on the radio while you’re cruising the streets of Milford, more power to you but SOME OF US DO WANT TO KNOW THE FINAL SCORE!!!!!!!!  And now the coup-de-grace is this parrot on Ernie’s shoulder. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’m only imagining the trade at the Milford Pawn Shop. Yeah, he squawks great, here’s the 1975 Boys Basketball State Championship trophy plus a couple of Lady Mudlarks Holiday Tournament plaques. He’s been spayed and had all his shots, right?

“Well, I’m a ramblin’, a ramblin’ guy, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, OH NOOOOOOOO.”

“BOOM BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Way to feed the color man off the play-by-play. That’ll win an Emmy for sure.

If you work for Captain Kidd after being shanghai’d from the Caribbean and are inevitably forced to walk the plank because you were stricken with excess plumber’s butt while loadin’ the cannon, ya might be a redneck.

Many out of our commentators have expressed a legitimate concern about Jorge and Paloma disappearing off the strip. I believe Jorge is still on the basketball team so we’re safe there. He didn’t transfer to Oakwood nor opt for the NBA Draft. But while this stand-up comedy routine with the basketball game for dessert overshadowed our original cast, WHAT DID happen to Paloma? You would HOPE she played more basketball, they need her controlled assertiveness but, gang, I’m not holding my breath. I think I know.

At The Bucket one afternoon:

Paloma and her friends engage in some vigorous gossip about all the boys in the school over cheeseburgers and shakes. Not one has escaped crucifixion.

SUDDENLY, 2 male adults with funny accents swagger into The Bucket. The Festrunks have arrived in Milford at last.

“Oh my God. Look at those dweebs. Was their grandma on meth when she knit their pants?”

These 2 swingin’ guys pass on Dr. Pearl in the corner booth, because a woman that uses Super Poligrip, Zinc Free, to eat a Double Bucket Burger, extra horseradish but no mayo, is not in their future. They hone in their panoramic view towards Paloma & The Gang.

“FOX-ESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!”

They come sidling over to the table while Paloma and her cohorts push the panic button. The anti-dweeb meter is spinning so out of control, it’s produced 5 Bucket Brigade Blueberry Smoothies. Karina is about to throw her Patty Melt Bucket De Luxe at them but a tablemate grabs her wrist.

Anonymous Calculus Dude steps in.

“Are these guys giving you any trouble?”   The Bucket’s afternoon manager intervenes in the nick of time and steps in front of ACD. The latter was in the next booth, in the middle of devouring his Bucket Catch of the Day Catfish-Platter-and-Buffalo-Fries Combo(tartar sauce extra).

“Sir, it’s OK, I’ll handle this. Just have a seat and cool off. All right, gentlemen, no idea what country you’re from or who you are but take a seat and order or there’s the door.”

“Yortuk, he doesn’t know who we are? We showed them our Green Cards at the Milford Town Hall.”

“Hey, Georg, we’re in America. There’s no Bucket in Bratislava. We got to put our best foot forward.”

Together they proudly proclaim, “We’re 2 wild ‘n’ CRA-ZEE GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Paloma resists Georg’s advances. They finally sit down at the next booth and order the Bucket Borscht Supreme. There will be another time, as long as the Milford City Clerk grants an extension on their Green Cards.

Jerry Hubbard, the color man for Marty Moon on WDIG “We have to take a station break, this is the Milford Basketball Network on WDIG”, the Fernwood 2 Night theme song helping the broadcast get to break.

At 10:25PM, MST (Mudlark Standard Time), on a random evening at Coach Shaw’s Ranch-style abode, in his bedroom

“Whew!!!! Dear, I snarfed too many barbecued-iguanas-on-a-stick. I GOT  to dump a load. I’ll be right back.”

“I’ll be waiting, honey”, she responds, anticipating THE MOMENT.

3 hours later

Knock, knock. “Honey, are you okay? Do you want me to run down to Walgreen’s to get some Pepto-Bismol?”

“Nah, Dear, I just got done fixing the flotation device in the commode. I had to use my best crescent wrench to screw it back in. My ball-peen hammer was broken.”

“But, Honey, you left your toolbox in the trunk of the car you dropped off at the shop.”

“Bluh, bluh, er, um, yeah, well, I, uh, stuck a couple of tools behind the stack of Holiday Inn towels in the closet. I had to hammer the bathtub back in its socket which is how I broke the hammer. It was a dogfight, but no more sliding like you’re in the soap box derby.”

“Fine, it’s time to come to bed. You haven’t touched me all night.”

“Hang on, I gotta jolt the shower head back in place. It looks kinda crooked. Daggone it, where’s the sledge hammer?Oh, here it is, under the blow dryer. Don’t you worry, I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Honey, the shower head always bends like that. They’re made to be adjustable.”

“That was me a couple of years ago. I just couldn’t tell my wife about my little wiener on a toothpick that I had in my britches. The kids on the football team noticed that there was something wrong. One of them even handed me a copy of “Our Daily Bread”. Were it only that simple. But thanks to the Milford Men’s Clinic, I am a new man. My Erectile Dysfunction is cured and I can cameo coach the kids AND approach the bed, BOTH with confidence. I even kept the copy for new found inspiration. Stop by the Milford Men’s Clinic today. IT WORKS!!!!!!!

My final (again, reluctantly speaking) Women’s History Month entry goes to Elena Delle Donne. She is a VERY gifted basketball player who originally signed with Connecticut, a storied program in its own right, but left after only a few days. She eventually transferred to Delaware and became a major force with the Blue Hens dominating their conference and beating a few powerhouse teams along the way. Attendance naturally grew to the point where former Vice President Joe Biden was smack dab in the middle of Blue Hen Nation. Delle Donne has been a major factor in the growth of Women’s Basketball, her Jordan moves, her jaw-dropping shots, her clutch performances all promoting the sport she dearly loves. She picked up where she left off in the WNBA and has given the League solid footing from which to build. It only takes a spark to get a fire going and she’s been more than a spark for the WNBA. Please spread the word that Women’s Sports deserve a place in the scheme of things and Delle Donne has certainly done her part. Thanks for reading.

Gang, you may fire when ready. I need to go early if I want a front row seat, me and a few of my fellow hecklers are pumped for action even if it’s not basketball action. Price you pay.

Repeat after me – I am a moron

And the strip gets bogged down into repetitive stuff we saw yesterday as Pirate Boy continues his ‘Tubecast’ to … who knows. Maybe the Bucket picks this up on its one TV it has behind the counter. We were going along just fine and now like a crap that wont come out, we’re stuck watching a clown in a pirate hat wonder what he does next after inciting Marty to call him exactly what he is.

Why is Marty standing now? Last game and all the others he was sitting. I know theyre on the road but for chisssakes give the man a seat. Standing is for TV analysts like .. pirate guy . Ah forget it.

P3 – who knows why the MPN is showing on top of the main attraction; I personally find it more attractive then a guy in a pirate hat trying to be funny. I get it – the Pirate Network ‘steals’ someone elses broadcast and makes it their own – but one is a radio show and the other is on YouTube, a visual medium. And the Buc doesnt even know the score of the game, which in my experience is no biggie. Most fans these days are watching their smartphones instead of intently following the action.  But a scoreboard isnt That hard to read now is it?

Advancing the plot tomorrow wont be easy  -what will we see besides the score? Will Marty walk out again? Will the girls social media overdrive effort be rewarded with a Moon removal from the radio? Will Gil get involved before its too late to save the season? Will Kaz punch out Marty before he can break the pirates neck? Will the Joker appear and destroy everything in Milford City and capture the pirate and his mate?  Tune in tomorrow – same Milford time, same Milford station!

 

 

 

Marty Moon: Insulting More Than Just Latinos

This arc turned from “Let’s empathize with the Puerto Rican kids who’ve been displaced from their homes by a natural disaster” to “Hey, let’s put on a show!” so fast, it’s made my neck snap. All I’m left with is a sense of wonder.

I wonder if Google Alphabet stock has plummeted since Rubin’s name-dropped YouTube Live in the past two strips. I wonder if The Milford Pirate Network has the requisite number of subscribers to allow it to use YouTube’s live streaming via mobile functionality. I wonder if Marty’s mike is hot. (The lightning bolt word balloon would lead me to believe so.) I wonder if this will be Marty’s Lonesome Rhodes moment: the moment when the Milford student body, Dr. Pearl, and WDIG’s listeners decide that while insulting Latinos is okay, insulting Milford students’ intelligence crosses the line. Finally, I wonder if anyone will comment on this post.

 

Which Came First, The Chicken or the Basketball?

Awrright, Moon, where’s your hall pass?

Now I’ve seen everything. Since WHEN did WDIG suddenly get concerned about decency and taste? Aren’t we out of character here, given the nature of the radio station? And who is this guy that’s telling Marty that he crossed one line too many? The husband of Sister Mary Elephant? Mr. Weatherbee’s second cousin, twice removed? Is he the equivalent of Dr. Pearl at Milford High School? “Did you hear ol’ Moon got sent down to the principal’s office? He got caught chuggin’ spit wads at the sound board.” Gang, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

“And furthermore, Coach T is a wienie and needs to get a life!!!!!!!!!! His wife is a second-rate basketball coach whose team shows up every other month—”

“We interrupt this broadcast so that we might bring you “Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers, Live at Minton’s Playhouse”.

Seen spray-painted on the outside wall of a wing of Milford High School:

“Clapton is God!!!!!!!!”

Seen just below:

“So is Marty!!!!!!!!”

If ya wind up in the ICU of Milford General Hospital because ya smeared too much Tex-Mex on your barbecued iguana and ya forgot to wash it down with a cold Mr. Pibb, ya might be a redneck.

Now, not only has WDIG inexplicably taken the high road (wash your mouth out with soap, Marty), MARTY NOW HAS COMPETITION. A pirate trying to be Rodney Dangerfield who is the spitting image of Buddy Holly (or Ernie Douglas, hey, gang, I won’t pull teeth in this one). Whoa, Marty, not only did the zombies tail your ass to Goshen to eat your flesh, THEY WANT YOUR JOB ALSO. Idaknow, Marty, aside from the fact that you may wind up in the Milford General Hospital being roommates with the careless redneck who ate one barbecued iguana too many and forgot his Rolaids you also got bills to pay. Are you up to the task? I would have stomped YES in times past but since that paddling in the principal’s office by Anonymous Cameo Dude Who Just Happens To Be The Husband of Sister Mary Elephant In Case Anybody Starts Snooping And Wondering How The Hell He Made It On The Set, I am left with more questions than answers. Marty about to get upstaged by a ragtag teenage unit bent on going neck-and-neck with him to call the game fairly and with malice towards none? Pass that Rolaids, please. Hey, I’ll admit his comedy routine might need some brushing up(“Milford PIRATE Network, Goshen, ya know, Jolly Roger on my hat, I look like Judge Reinhold from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? That’s a funny, Goshen”). He might go over their heads in Goshen(we’re talking a Mudlark opponent, they’re trained to roll over and be outclassed, not digest comedy schtick) with humor involving  pumped basketballs vs. stuffed basketballs, but in the end, the clock is ticking on you, Marty. Will the pendulum swing back?

Gang, I’m still in shell-shock over Marty Moon doing his best imitation of Bart Simpson. I thought being chewed out by the principal was reserved for Milford Elementary. Guess not. Ah, but not to worry, music ALWAYS solves my life’s conundrums. C’mon, you ’70’s crowd, yeah, you know who you are, join me in Brownsville Station’s “Smokin’ in the Boys Room”, Marty Moon style(anybody remember those Roy Orbison glasses that Cub Koda, the lead singer, used to wear? Wouldn’t they look sexy on Dr. Pearl?)

Hey, how’s it goin’ out in Mudlarkland? You ever have one of them days where it seems like EVERYBODY’S getting on your case from the Director at WDIG on down to the student body at Milford High School? Well, ya know I used to have ’em just about all the time. And this is what me and Anonymous Calculus Dude and the rest of the WDIG staff did to get out of ’em.

Sittin in the sound booth, tearing down ol’ Gil

Watching him coach, well, y’know that ain’t a thrill

The Noon tone rings, ya know that’s my cue

I’m gonna meet the staff at stall #2

Smokin’ in the men’s room

Smokin’ in the men’s room

Mr. Director, doncha fill me

up with your rules

But everybody knows that smokin’ at the ‘DIG ain’t cool.

Looked out the studio, the coast was clear

Checked in the storage closet, ain’t nobody here

We put a hold on the telephone calls

To get caught at The ‘DIG would be the death of us all

Smokin’ in the men’s room

Smokin’ in the men’s room

Mr. Director, doncha fill me

up with your rules

But everybody knows that smokin’ at the ‘DIG ain’t cool

I get assigned to read farm yield reports.

Oh, God, I mean to tell ya, I got bored

Mr. Director was looking for me all around

Two hours later, ya know where I was found

Smokin’ in the men’s room

Tokin’ in the men’s room

Mr. Director, don’t lecture me

UP YOURS with the rules

Cuz everybody knows that Marty Moon is really cool

Today’s Woman’s History Month entry is Bilinda Butcher, guitarist/vocalist for the group My Bloody Valentine. Though the group itself was sometimes beset with strife, make no mistake, her contributions and her talent kept the group on the forefront of the rock music world. MBV was part of a movement called shoegazing that involved obscure lyrics, guitar distortions that were wrapped up in a surreal atmosphere, basically music you would hear if you were dreaming. They made it work and she was a BIG part of it. Her haunting crooning and her Kate Bush persona propelled the music to great heights, not to mention her stellar and timely guitar-playing. MBV’s album, “Loveless” is on Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums of all time and “Isn’t Anything” is on many “1000 Albums Ya Gotta Hear” lists from SEVERAL influential publications. The Edge, from U2, is a HUGE fan of their music. Again, she’s a BIG part of that.

Take her away, gang. I’ll be giving comedy pointers to Buddy/Ernie. We should have a comedy routine ready by tipoff.

Paloma Padilla Speaks for All of Us…

… or, at least, for all of us who routinely call out the misogyny and Bechdel Test fails that are part and parcel of the Thorpiverse. Paloma’s teammates even recognize Milford’s a man’s man’s man’s world and are resigned to their fate, including the blonde with the soulless ey- AAAAAAH! MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP

I don’t expect Paloma to throw an elbow at Marty – we need Kenzie Hanley back to brk his jaw – but her little “hmmm” holds the promise of bigger things. I’m thinking maybe she pulls some strings to get Lady Mudlarks hoops livestreamed in Spanish and English on WHCC-TV and WHCC Deportes.

Once I saw today’s strip in B&W I knew I had to run with the color version to see whether Paloma would be wearing the Puerto Rican flag and not the Cuban one. Score one for the color monkeys! Now if only they’d resist the urge to color Milford’s white uniforms red.

metapost: I think my post title yesterday may have gone over a few heads. It was a play on the phrase tener cojones. Lo siento.

And you dont know anything about me, dick.

Hey Marty – I know its wonderful that you sit and patiently explain to Karina that shes a competent human being,.. but what does that have to do with basic name pronunciation?.  I love how everyone misses the point when theyre trying to solve a simple problem. Guess we wouldnt have a strip without some kind of conflict all the time but sheese, I already said the player decides how he’s called, not the announcer.

Her answer was on cue, and we dont know what Marty said in return, but suffice it to say (I already peeked at todays strip) he is handling it the way he shouldve the last game.

Meanwhile in P3 – where the hell did mister glasses get his frames? Looks like 2 different size lenses there buddy. If I were you I’d go back to a place that doesnt exist anymore to fix that – House of Vision. They had a nice jingle in their commercials —

Jeepers Creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?

Jeepers Creepers you got House of Vision eyes!

Unfortunately I couldnt find the commercial on You tube but I’m substituting one from Sears. I guess House of Vision went out of business because people left seeing worse then they came.