This Week in Milford

September 11, 2021

These Random Words Will Somehow Be Meaningful Before This Plot Is Over

The challenge today, gentle readers, is to figure out how these statements – which, taken in isolation, sound nothing like how real people actually speak – will foreshadow some essential plot element during this story arc.

Tevin puts his all into Mudlark football and can’t see how Kianna is able to do the same for two sports. The fact that Tevin is whipped after just one practice may hint at a lack of conditioning on his part. Kianna hints that it’s because neither of her sports are contact sports. Yesterday she alluded to the use of energy drinks, opening the door to an unhealthy dietary angle.

Speaking of diets, Tevin is off to the cafeteria where he and some of his teammates snarf down all-white food. It kinda looks like the grocery store where Otto worked in Repo Man. The group includes beady-eyed Boyd Spiller who, like Tevin, has also been recently promoted to the varsity. Boyd has already established himself as mouthy and tactless, so why his teammates are acting like his recitation of some clickbait listicle will be as riveting as the Gettysburg Address is beyond me. Could be that his ability to read people won’t translate to an ability to read stunts or blitzes, leading to Tevin’s getting sacked and injured, which would tie back to Kianna’s comment about tackling.

Anyway, we have a while to figure this one out. Just file it in your collective memory bank for reference.

meta: Today is an unavoidably somber day in the US. I’m not going to bore you with stories of where I was twenty years ago today, or offer any kind of take on how our world has changed since then. You’ve had more than enough teenchy for one week. I will, however, leave a link to this story I read this morning. The section in which the former high school basketball star and young college grad decides to change his career tack from book publishing to corporate PR reminded me a bit of the Heather Burns story. One life among thousands lost – thousands whom we will remember today and for years to come.

September 10, 2021

Am I steppin into the practice zone…

Filed under: Milford Weirdos, song parody, Steve Luhm's Ghost Mops These Floors — robmize2013 @ 7:51 pm

Its 2 pm.The fear is gone

Im rushing from volleyball, my gyms still warm

Cannot connect now, I’m tired of taking classes.

Well I’m a storm on the loose. Earrings on my head.

Wrapped up in silence all convos are dead.

Can I be cold, my whole day spins into gymnastics….

Am I steppin into the practice zone

Conditioning lots, feel like drinkin

My Gatorade juice in the purple car

Where am I to go now that I’ve drank too fast?

You will come to know… when the Red Bull hits the bones.

When the Red Bull hits the bones.

When the Red Bull hits the bones.

POW!!!

August 20, 2021

Idiots 101

Boy if we had any notions that Rubin knew squat about golf, this summer storyline proved it. We’ve gone over the ludicrous dialogue enough already; suffice it to say all todays panels are are the cherry on the horseshit sundae.

P1 – Nobody puts their clubs in the car like that– you put the club end in first, then the bottom of the bag is the last part in. And for gods sakes– Hendricks knows the way out! Did he just go blind? I know his eyes are shut as he dutifully deposits his bag in his trunk ( as everyone does after every round Ive ever played) but jesus, has he been fuckin LIVING at the course?? Did he forget where the door was?! Imagine living with these douchbags for 3 months. I’d rather live in that cornfield where his ball was, along with a thousand others. I havent gotten over Gil searching a cornfield for what MAY be Carters ball– any goddamn golfer with any time in the game knows no matter how good you are you can still yank one into the cornfield. Scratch or no scratch. And the cost of the ball– I dont belong to a country club but the pro CARING about the difference between a $4 ball and a $1.50 ball, when dues for these places are thousands of dollars… is just lunacy. Who the hell buys balls one at a time anyway??

I’ve been playing golf since 1978, and not one of these statements made in this storyline has ever been made by me or anyone I’ve either played with, or come in contact with, or said on a TV broadcast of a tournament.

P2– Well gee, Heather needed the lowest possible course in college to do research that any 12 year old could do. So all the pro did was bring Carter into the room and BS him about pressing charges and writing a check. I really found a couple things hard to believe– that 15 years later he looked that similar that Heather knew it was him– I’ve seen what 15 years does to some people. Next, why would Carter keep THE SAME raincoat in his bag for 15 years? You play golf a lot your bag wears out too, and getting a new bag means tossing the old junk in the old one out. And my old raincoat literally made me wetter after so long, so I got another one. AND WHY KEEP A COLLEGE RAINCOAT ANYWAY? I keep an old winter hat from my college– in my closet so it doesnt get worn out. Who cares about raincoats??

P3– so the pro was just BS-ing Carter– well, so much for any credibility HE has. If I’m Carter I dont send him shit– I move on to the next club where everyone there has a goddamn brain and an IQ above 65. And I go about my business and keep on raking in the dough, and nobody will give a fuck about my $1.50 balls or my damn raincoat or my handicap. Getting away from these morons is the best thing thats happened to Carter. As Green Day sang— Good Riddance!

July 30, 2021

Freak hand golf

Filed under: freak hands, Gil Thorp, golf, Milford Weirdos, talking hand — robmize2013 @ 9:02 pm

Club pro John Jawor is actually a real club pro at Plum Hollow in Southfield Michigan. Thats lovely.

https://www.hometownlife.com/story/sports/golf/2015/06/19/pristine-plum-hollow-ready-states-best-amateurs/29010551/

No idea why he cares so much about Mr. Paleys match against Carter Hendricks. That bunker on number 6 must be a monstrosity, because why the hell would he remember one shot out of one bunker 10 holes before the end of the match? I sure the heck dont start my review of a round with how my opponent got out of bunkers. Much less put my hand in front of my face while doing so. 2 shots 10 holes apart by his opponent – hey Paley, more about you next time and less about Mr. Sandman.

On to P3, where Gil is on the driving range and the pro is asking him about some random guy playing golf on the course. If Gil is busy giving lessons how does he know if Hendricks is a reputable player or a sandbagger, as the pros question would suggest. No idea how the info in the first 2 panels would suggest anything suspicious, but in this strip, we know anything goes. And how does Gil know how much time the pro has to watch 1 player at his course, when he has lessons to give, and many other duties related to running a golf course?

In other news, I’m heading to Colorado Sunday to watch the team formerly known as the Chicago Cubs take on the Rockies. No worries as I’ll be back Friday to do this job, and Im sure by then we’ll have more info on that cheatin sack o lies Hendricks. Dream on, TWIMers!

June 16, 2021

Paul Mooney Might Have Appreciated It

The world of comedy lost a pointed social critic last month with the passing of Paul Mooney at the age of 79. Younger TWIMers probably know Mooney from his roles on Chapelle’s Show, but the old heads will remember him for his collaborations with Richard Pryor. Pryor gave Mooney his first break in comedy by offering Mooney a job as a writer while Mooney was working as a circus ringmaster. Mooney would go on to write material for Pryor’s standup routines, much of which ended up on several of Pryor’s live albums that were big sellers during the ’70s.

During the 1975 television season, a new live sketch comedy show, Saturday Night, was flagging in the ratings and needed a boost. Producer Lorne Michaels thought Pryor was just the man to do it and approached him to guest-host an episode of the show. Pryor agreed but only if certain demands were met, including having Gil Scott-Heron as the musical guest and that he bring his own writer – Paul Mooney – to write his sketches. The story, possibly apocryphal, that Chevy Chase approached Mooney to write him into a sketch with Pryor who, also possibly apocryphal, didn’t care much for Chase, led to the infamous “Word Association” sketch that put SNL on the map and created the seven-second delay.

By all appearances the Milford Library Board panel interview has the look of sliding into a similar word association game. I leave it to you gentle readers to offer your own word associations, none of which I hope will be as controversial and potentially offensive as the one Paul Mooney wrote for Richard Pryor and Chevy Chase.

A couple of minor points of observation:

a. When would a high school student ever have the need to do a user survey?

2. Who said anything about a bookmobile? Is Abel looking for something else to fill his ample free time besides complain about the library budget?

iii. How is the goateed Library Board member holding his vape pen, exactly? His thumb doesn’t extend out far enough to support it from behind.

This links to the only clip I could find of Gil Scott-Heron from that SNL appearance. I used to be able to drop clips into posts, but apparently I now have to “upgrade [my] plan to use this premium block.” We here at TWIM will have to figure out if we can afford such luxury. It might even cost as much as a computer at a public library.

May 28, 2021

Ya think that librarian should be history?

The level of realism in this strip keeps hitting new lows. Can you imagine a librarian asking a question like that?

The only conversation I ever had with librarians involved either checking out books, donating magazines and needing a slip for charity purposes, and the occasional question about finding something in the stacks. They never had the first word. I would be so shocked at such a question I would report her to the library board. Oh yeah, Zanes running for a seat. Then just tell her to MYOFB (mind your own fuckin business)

We then have another unexplainable chain of events. If Zane texted Katy before his convo with the librarian, why doesnt he know already if she will be joining him in the history section? ( goddammit why the hell is the librarian snooping around checking on just 2 people in 1 section? Do your own job lady!) And you (yeah you Zane) dont have to elaborate about her being mad at you. Just say “I prefer not to answer that thank you” So its just one uncomfortable moment after another today. Thanks Rubin. Nothing like kicking off your holiday weekend analyzing this pile of manure.

I think Mr. Brito has his fingers all over this, trying to scare Zane off the election ballot. He filled the librarian in on everything and she now subtlety is trying to scare him away from the library with her inane comments. You can fly solo all the way to the unemployment office Miss Librarian.

Nothing like the good guy in the strip getting treated like dirt.

May 21, 2021

The race is on. Oh my.

So Marjie Ducey decides to call Zane and ask him about the library board race?! Didnt we go over this before, where she interviewed a player without parental permission? I cant believe this ‘race’ between a student and an adult for a position on the library board warrants her attention first of all, and secondly calling both him and Brito to ask about their opinions of the other person! When did she become the political reporter here? Sports Marjie, sports. Stick to that stuff. But its a comic strip, which always explains everything.

Zanes girlfriend is looking like Moe Howard with that hairdo.

Then just like that its printed in the paper for all to see. Does Gil even KNOW one of his own players is gonna be distracted by running for an office, then if he wins, by being on the board while playing baseball? Talk about a can of worms. And summers right around the corner; does this position take effect next school year? Or immediately?

Dick Enberg just turned over in his grave. Oh my!

And their arguments about each other are both hooey. Marjie just took their word for it? Are there any editors at that paper or what?

May 19, 2021

When The Mudlarks Don’t Play, It’s a Slow News Day

Funny how you don’t realize the pleasure you got from little things you did pre-pandemic until you get to do them again. In yhs’s case it was reading periodicals in waiting rooms. If I didn’t have that opportunity earlier this week, I’d have never learned that politician/activist/novelist Stacey Abrams’ mother was a librarian and basically used the library as Stacey’s babysitter (as did, apparently, the author of the article’s parents). Regardless of your political persuasion, you have to acknowledge that library access helped inspire these women to do great things. Who’s to say that access couldn’t do the same for Zane Clark or some other Milford kid?

Maybe not Abel Brito, if that’s where this plot is heading.

Why Ms. Birdie Wampfler feels whatever Zane has up his sleeve is newsworthy, why Marjie knows who’s dating whom at Milford High, or why the Milford Star would act on her anonymous tip is beyond me. Could be that beyond the world of Milford High sports nothing really happens in this tank town and the Star is desperate for news of any kind. Probably it’s more like Rubin feeling the need to drag this story out longer than necessary. All I know is that if Marjie’s co-worker/editor/boss is that worried about messing up her manicure, she should just press the buttons on her phone with the end of a pencil or something.

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