This Week in Milford

October 22, 2018

The Corner Of Noneya & Business

Filed under: big arms, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Milford Weirdos, premature baldness — nedryerson @ 7:11 am

10222018

Tiki Jansen drives a crappy, old car and he’s chronically late. His sister Angela is in the fifth grade. Andre Ruffin’s sister, who’s also in the fifth grade,  has never heard of Angela. Andre is determined to unlock the mystery.

Maybe Angela goes to a different school than Andre’s sister, be it private, special needs or just another school. I guess Milford is supposed to be small enough that there’d be only one elementary school and all the fifth graders should know each other.

What are we doing here? Why do these kids have to investigate each other?

I wonder what a strip with real stories of what’s happening in the lives of real kids would look like. I really do. In the last couple years a few books came out with some interesting perspectives on public school classrooms and the kids in them. These are both personal takes from a long time teacher (Hall of Fools) and an established writer who taught as a substitute for a year (Substitute: Going to School with a Thousand Kids). Both of those were a little harrowing to read. Maybe it is better to live in the sanitized, “1950s with cellphones” Gil Thorp.

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October 11, 2018

…’Round and ‘Round and ‘Round and…

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High-flying in this worthless plot

Losing altitude

We go ’round and ’round  and ’round

Until it sucks up air again

 

Sorry, gang, just had to dip from the Classic Rock well again, this time from the Rock band Yes off their album Tormato (scrunching together “tornado” and “tomato”, you whippersnappers) which was released in 1978. And WE ARE just spinning our wheels on this one, allowing a teenager to dominate the landscape when the jury is still out on his character, let alone his game in general, let alone his punting prowess.

No Marty to skin this one alive and hold Gil accountable for spending more time with Arnie and Tiger in August when August was the time to be ferreting out what the heck Gil was going to do for the next 3 months? C’mon, Thorpiverse, you can’t bail out on the “Marty’s been suspended” excuse this time. Gil is roaming free like your small pet in your efficiency apartment and Marty is not there in his 26-cage Milford Animal Enforcement truck to haul him back to the pound. Gil is peeing on every fire hydrant in town.

 

P1: “Raise your hand if you’re Surrrreeeeeee……”

And I could have contrived other deoderant commercials running the gamut from Ban To Arrid, even gone the Roll-on for either one. Such a perfect setting. Coach is on his hands and knees begging Our Hero to come out for the team, Our Hero promising to go out if Coach promises to fork over the two duffel bags of footballs in Dr. Pearls’ husband’s tool shed (apparently an overflow in the equipment room) , give up his Hank Williams Anthology that he ordered one night on a K-Tel infomercial, including liner notes on how he froze to death in his car AND which year he froze to death (some say December 31st, others like the hitchhiker who looked inside, just wanting a ride, January 1st), and puh-LEEAAASSEEEE slap on some Right Guard. Unless some kid went for the jugular and aimed his water pistol at your pits, not that that I’m ruling that out…

Be that as it may, Irish Spring would complement your Big Jake physique.

“Coach, I don’t mean to say you have B.O. or anything and thank you for that photo of Heather Burns’ dad posing next to Bart Starr when Mr. Burns was a teenager and wanting Bart to autograph his Bucket Lemon-Lime Slushee cup when Bart kicked off the Milford Fall Chataqua Festival Parade, but when you and Coach Shaw go hunting, do you mark off spots so your wife can pick up the scent? I think you might want to watch out for female raccoons in heat when you traipse into the Milford Wildlife Reserve on your next outing.”

 

One early morning on Milford Transit Authority Mini-Bus #7757, Marty Moon is engaged in a heated debate

 

“Whattya mean, you had another handicapped passenger??????!!!!!!! WE’RE handicapped!!!!!!!!!”

“Yeah, but this was serious. If he loses his dentures, he can’t eat any solid food. Then he’ll shrivel up and die. We finally found them underneath the fire extinguisher. He was so happy that his Houston Colt .45’s won the Super Bowl, that he expectorated them while giving commentary on the winning TD.”

“Bud, there IS no more teams with that moniker, let alone win the Super Bowl!!!!!!!!!”

“Whatever. Anyway, we kept feeding him McD’s Breakfast Burritos until we got him to the Milford Rehab Center to regain his strength, after we re-inserted them, of course.”

“Does the Rehab Center keep Dentu-Creme on hand?????!!!!!!!! That might cement them into place!!!!!!!! AND CEMENT YOUR JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Never thought of it that way.”

Thanks to Dale Smith and Dustin Figg of Valley Station, Kentucky for the last idea. You guys get the shaft many times but your presence is never taken for granted with me. Despite your visual impairment, you keep America moving. Both of you have overcome  a lot to achieve the American Dream. I salute you both.

 

Again from “Tormato”

The tale of all this inanity

Will go down in infamy

Onward, plot’s got blight

Onward, a bad flight

Onward, with no fight

Onnnnnwwwward, out of sight

of my minnnnnnddddddd

 

What is this exchange with Kaz and Joe in P2 and P3????????? Joe looks like he’s in a job interview. Essentially, when you think about it, it pretty much is but even then job interviews, last time I checked, take about a 1/2 hour-1 hour if you’re applying at McDonald’s, Burger King, Chick-Fil-A, The Bucket (making sure you’re paying attention), KFC, etc. This one’s been 2 months running. What do we have to do a background check on NOW???? Joe’s punting average in Pop Warner League Football? To see if NFL scouts are still interested? Joe’s favorite yogurt flavor at The Bucket (Bucket Peach Pit Delight, BTW) ? Get him on the damn team and let’s get ready for the next game which by my calculations is TOMORROW.

“So when can you start?”

“How long will this plot last.?”

“Are you willing to work overtime?”

 

 

 

Kudos to Matthew Maloney of Fern Creek, Kentucky. You go to work at Kroger ready for action and thereby keep the customer well-stocked with the groceries the customer needs. You have been working there for years, rarely missing a day and ALWAYS being on time. Gang, I think he likes his job. We need more people like him because he makes America great. Next time you come to Fern Creek Kroger (just north of I-265) , say hello to Matthew and treat him with respect. He’s earned mine and I bet he’ll earn yours too.

 

At Milford Towne House Condominiums in the green area

“Okay, Keri, you’ve had your turn. Now let Jamie ride the zebra for awhile.”

 

Updated copy of “Home on the Range”

“Oh, give me a home/Where the buffalo roam

And they snore in Milford Penthouse tonight

Where seldom is heard/A gray buzzard’s word

Its owner got a writ in Milford Heights

 

Home, Home on the Range

That concept has lately gone strange

Where apes and baboons

Share a posh time-share room

And they Google New York Stock Exchange

 

 

“Johnny Olson, I’ll bet you have another member of the studio audience who would love to kick the night away with John Travolta, don’t you think so, people?”

WE BET HE DOES JOE HE HAD HIS CUE CARD IN HIS CRACK READY TO ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

“Well, they were right but I wiped before I crammed it in there but George Snerdley, COME ON DOWN you’re the next contestant about to learn Joe’s secrets.”

Snerdley comes on down, running over a Pinkerton on his smoke break plus a couple of octagenarians in their wheelchairs. His gut is one great big Jello-in-motion running down the Colosseum steps, eager to learn before the Super Bowl comes to Mudlark Stadium in 2023.

“Awwwwwright. So Joe, where you from?”

“Right here in Milford.”

“Awwwwwwwwwrrrrriggghtttt, I’ll bet he’ll be easy to teach how to kick one straight through the chute, these Mudlarks get it right the first time, whattya think, audience?”

WE THINK CAROL MERRILL WILL BE BUSY RETRIEVING BALLS OUT OF THE NET, JOE

“I thought so too, people. So George, tell us a little about yourself.”

“Well, I’m married, there’s my wife in the 27th row, the one with the “Gil on his Motorbike” tattoo on her left boob (YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY) , I have two children, both grown, one was not able to be here today, in fact, he’s in the cell block next door to Mr. Bader, but the other one’s an engineer for Dow Chemical right here in Milford. And I travel, I’m a salesman for Milford International Tire Company. We sell industrial tires to many companies in many companies. We do a heckuva lot of business overseas.”

“REALLY!!! Where are you going this week?”

“Oh, they’re setting up a coal mining operation in Lichtenstein. I’m supposed to be at the Grand Opening of Vaduz Black Beauty Mine #23 next week. A couplke of C-130’s and we’ll keep their coal trucks happy” proudly grabbing his crotch with glee.

Joe, shooting a 1/100,000 second dirty look at Camera #3 for the unplanned obtrusive Crotch Shot, continues

“Wellllll, people, he’s a busy man, isn’t he?”

SOUNDS LIKE HE PUMPS MONEY INTO THE GNP OF BOTSWANA AND SURINAM, JOE!!!!!!!!

“He sure does. All right, I noticed you brought your brother along.”

“This is Mel.”

“Mel, how long have you had that one tooth inb your mpouth?”

“Ever since I got in a brawl at the Milford Lounge 10 years ago. Told Jerry Pulver he was a selfish egotistical piece of slime who hogged the ball just to set a scoring record. The rest of the team should have just sat down and watched. He didn’t take a liking to it and the next thing you know, several people got arrested but I decked him pretty hard and got out of Milford Prison Camp after only two months on good behavior.”

“Ooooooooookkkkkk, hopefully, the same thing’ll never happen at The Bucket. So now, are you going to be George’s holder?”

“Sure am.”

Joe throws out a few phony chuckles that the audience can tell is fake since Joe was reading from the wrong cue card. The real cue card got mixed up with Johnny Olson”s Next Contestant index card

“Well, it was either that or Carol Merrill and somebody’s gotta go get ’em unless you wanna catch ’em with your tooth.”

GO FOR IT MEL

“Whoaaaaaaa, audience, he’ll puncture the balls and he might get headaches from all the banging around.”

TAKE A GOODY’S POWDER MEL

“WAIT A MINUTE, isn’t that Mel Tillis’ line on The Ralph Emery Show?”

WHOOPS GOOD POINT JOE

“Thank you, studio audience. Thought I was losing my mind” as the plastic laughter from the studio audience and the canned laughter are Synchronized Swimming in motion. Gold Medal if I ever saw one.

“ALL RIGHT George and Mel, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL…”

 

If ya fail at kicking a pigskin after ya’ve tried 1,574,785 times and ya just say the Hell with it and ya go down to Milford Sportsman’s Club and use it as a clay pigeon, ya might be a redneck.

 

O.J. on the “Milford Community Comment” show

“Man, I fed that dude some Cheerios and next hting you know, he literally shoots through the roof.”

 

 

“Well, you almost made it. Sorry, Johnny Olson, we didn’t mean to spill your coffee on your P.A. system. Now, remember, George, look it all the way in…”

 

Marty, jamming to “On The Silent Wings Of Freedom” by Yes over the speakers on the Milford Transit Authority mini-bus, much to Gertrude DeWindt’s annoyance who is riding up front, nearly T-bones the Mudlar-K-Cola truck crawling out of the Milford Lounge. Gertrude smashes her head into the plastic guard that partitions her from Marty. Plastic shards are everywhere.

“Don’t let bus drivers who let Classic Rock distract them from that Union Pacific barreling down the track. Call The Shark today and get the money you deserve.”

“Marty got his license revoked for two months and I received just compensation for my loss. They even replaced the Rent-a-Boyfriend model and even paid for his funeral expenses. Now, I not only have this in my possession (displaying $546,263,689, x 10^5 check) , but my new boyfriend I got free from Milford Rent-All is even sexier. He could give a few pointers at the Milford Men’s Clinic Symposium. Mudlark Lake Resort here we come, the El Dorado of sex retreats.”

Heard in background, a split-second after testimonial

“Nice job, Mrs. DeWindt. You read the teleprompter perfect.”

“If you’ve been in an accident with a Roadway or an antelope, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

Thanks to Mary Simpson of Jeffersontown, Kentucky who helped me with the comedy idea above. Your Christian faith inspires me and I enjoyed talking to you the other day. Your ideas prove how intelligent you are and I like your getting about and about. You’ve made a difference in people’s lives. I will be praying for you because you’ve made a difference in mine. God bless you.

 

Ooooooooookkkkkkk, you finally got it through the uprights. But I’m not going to make this an easy exit. I’ll give you a Peyton Manning autographed Denver Broncos jersey, Luke Bunkin’s jock strap he wore in the Playdown Final where he made the game-saving tackle, a gold-plated Mudlark-Heather Burns-Signature helmet and mouthpiece that Carol Merrill is now wearing AND $5000 to call off the deal.”

NO!!! NO!!!! DON’T DO IT!!!!!!!!

DO IT!!!!!! LUKE’S SWEAT IS SEXY!!!!!!!!

PEYTON RULES!!!!!!!!!!

HEATHER RULES!!!!!!!!!

PEYTON SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

HEATHER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LIKE THE WAY CAROL MERRILL MOVES THAT MOUTHPIECE BACK AND FORTH

Last outburst contributed by  Mel Snerdley, amazing what a man can exclaim with one tooth

TAKE THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!

DOOR #3!!!!!!!!!! DOOR #3!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Vote now in the next 30 minutes and you’ll get Joe’s punting cleats, shoestrings included, all for 29.99. Oh, did we forget to mention that Joe is throwing in the Official 2018 NFL Rule Book ABSOLUTELY FREE!!!!!!!!! But you gotta call within the next few minutes to take of advantage of this ridiculously generous offer that Joe had to send a person in concrete shoes down Mudlark Lake to get approved. Operators are standing by.

Don’t wait. CALL NOW!!!!!”

 

Gang, have at it. I’ll leave you with Yes’s “Rejoice” off of “Tormato.” I humbly hope you’ll agree that this sum things up at this juncture

 

Sitting in a stupid God-knows-where

Hashing out the verbiage, talking like true idiots

Kaz is mired in a patchy fog, I swear

Football plot is killing us, Bolek is a minion

 

And we’re not even Close To The Edge

 

Hey Guys

Bye Bye

Till tomorrow

 

See ya

Be the

Lack of sorrow

 

Killing us with silly politics and lunacy

Challenging our intelligence

My o My

It’s no wonder why they can’t win a game or two

There’s no course for competence

Wiping out our innocence

 

Reject

All the things we’ve seen

Gil should abandon ship

It goes ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round

Until it lifts its bow again

 

Reject

Ditch this plot right now

Cut its throat, and how

It goes ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and ’round and…

 

October 10, 2018

Kaz Has More Balls Than Joe…

gt10102018

… and that’s all I have to say about that.

Seriously, what kind of bullshit rationale is that for joining the team?  What can Kaz and Gil expect out of this kid Joe?  With such a short attention span, who’s to say Bolek won’t wander off just when the Mudlarks need him to punt a ball away? He can’t even be bothered to stick around to see the end of the game. (Here’s where I break the fourth wall for a moment to ask TWIM‘s unofficial SID billytheskink how many times we’ve been shown a Milford football game without knowing who won.)

I could be bothered to supply a rationale for Joe – for example, he’d seen enough of Milford’s bad, non-Sam Finn punting to know that the team needed him – but why should I come up with an excuse for him? He’s gonna need enough excuses for himself when his teammates stuff him in a locker for not coming out and busting his hump in practice from the beginning of the season.

October 2, 2018

Where’s Punter B.?

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I’d like to tell you

Love to tell you

That we’ve got one in the bag

 

But cannot tell you

May not tell you

That Kaz tried but caught a dirty rag

 

And so this storyline drags and drags

Our hopes are dashed and flags and flags

I grab a spitoon and gag and gag

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Would be nice if he’d kick before basketball

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Maybe Kaz gets lucky ‘fore end of Fall

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Margin for error now runs rather small

 

(Ben Folds booming on piano)

Here, Boy,  Hey, Punter

HEY PUNTER, WHERE YOU BEEN?

 

Are we EVER going to talk football or is P3 a tribute to Siskel and Ebert?

“Coach Kaz gives ‘Invasion of Milford on The Planet of the Apes’ a thumbs up while Joe Bolek gives it a thumbs down.”

“I thought Roddy McDowall’s return as Caesar was unconvincing.His conversations with Gil a bit far-fetched.”

“Yes, but Joe, you have to explore the depths of the tete-a-tete that is transpiring. Nobody is saying, certainly I’m not, that an ape talking to a man is an everyday occurrence. But the camaraderie that develops, especially when Coach Thorp treats all the apes to a Bucket Brat ‘n’ Sauerkraut Combo, including a Mudlar-K-Cola of your choice, convinced me that this movie is worth the time, climaxing in Aldo becoming the special teams coach which is pivotal as the Mudlarks sail one through the uprights thanks to a key adjustment by Aldo (“Don’t use your heel to kick, horses do that!!!!!!!!!”) which helps Milford go on to win the game and ease the transition into basketball.”

“I don’t know, Coach Kaz, watching Caesar’s son try to stuff a mouth guard in his embouchure, not to mention how to maneuver the cup properly to protect the family jewels and create more apes to invade Milford left me wanting something more. Much more.”

 

If ya is got yore camouflage all over yore face, shoulders, thorax, abdoman, arms, elbows, wrists, fingers, fingernails, toenails (cuz yore wife took the nail polish when she left to go back to her mother the last time) , thighs, shins, hamstrings, feet, ankles, insteps, and, last but certainly not least, yore gluteus maximus, cuz ya is ready with yore high-powered shotgun that could shoot the ears off an elephant and carry it from the Milford Fish & Wildlife Area to Africa in record time to find a punter ta nail down, ya might be a redneck.

 

And Gene Rayburn is chompin’ at the bit to aid and abet in the cause to crucify Gil on Match Game 2018. Go to it, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE???????) , she thought a punter used his ________________ to kick a field goal.

 

Things are getting pretty serious in Mudlarkland when the Topic of the Day, in this case the need for a punter to keep the strip from facing extinction, its status “Critical” at this point, when Kaz and Gil are in an intimate conversation over Maxwell House and fingers. Guessin’ Milford Donut Solutions was catering at the Fraternal Order of Police Convention at the Milford Expo Center.

And, gang, okay, shoot me (aaaaaaa, better not, I’m a coward) but I’m dippin’ into the good ol’ days when Berrill, sure Gil looked like the third member of the Everly Brothers but liked coaching more than singing (and wasn’t about to stack up against Elvis), at least created Gil with a sense of surefootedness as a result. Berrill made him a beacon in the storm.

NOW he looks like a young Marcus Welby just about to finish up his residency. Heck, his apparel is LOUDLY sending that message. He looks like Eddie Haskell going to Indiana University Medical School. “Nah, Beaver, you dope, don’t grip the forceps on his wiener so TIGHT!!!” Unclear whether he is going to talk about punters or navel hernia surgical procedures. Insert them in your article for the Milford Medical Journal, Dr. Welby, er, Gil, nobody’ll notice. Nobody’s reading about either one at this juncture anyway.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Ben Folds Denies Rumors Alice Childress Interested In Punting Job!!!!”

sub headline

“She just kicked someone in the nuts one time when a jerk tried to come on too strong and grab her upper body. That doesn’t make her a punter!!!!!!!”

 

Shout-out to Daisy’s in New Albany, Indiana. Great food, great service (always quick to pick up your plate when finished) , plus a dinner buffet and a salad buffet and an ice cream fountain (self serve!!!!) AND a drink of your choice for way less than $20, I’d say I’m gettin’ a good deal. Factor in all the good meals from meat loaf to fish to chicken and LOTS of sides at reasonable prices, man, you gotta come on down if you’re in the area.

Gang, you need a place where everybody knows your name, Support small business. They make America great.

 

Interlude

Maybe they will talk about the movie “Bambi”

or something along the lines of “Tora! Tora! Tora!”

 

Sorry, Ben, mighta added an extra syllable on that interlude. Don’t hold it against me, LOVE your music, Big Guy, always have.

 

Tried to warn you

Tried to tell you

That Coach Kaz was out of luck

 

Now they’re talking

And still stalking

For any one who gives a F—

 

They’re plowing this one dead in the mud

They still can’t grasp this one’s a dud

They may as well choose Elmer Fudd

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Gil and Kaz really should check in the files

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Eons with Sanka, might be a while

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Swift solution, that’s not their style

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Last punter missed by a mile

(Ben Folds REALLY booms the pointlessness of this plot, had to throw in an extra $100 just to get him to perform this at this decibel, or at all)

Yo Elmer, Hey, Punter

HEY PUNTER WHERE YOU BEEN?

 

Oh, Leatherdick, you’ve had a hard day at the office. It’s time to have another hard time, this one in bed.”

“That’s LEATHERSTOCKING, Honeye. Just cuz I have been out 2200 miles don’t mean it was all that bad. The Ponye Express ridere gave me a lift along the waye, from KC to Columbus, Ohio.”

“Leatherdick, isn’t that the OTHER waye? I thought they went out weste.”

Understanding what Pepperminte Pattye goes through when Marcie calls PP “Sir”

“The name’s ‘Leatherstocking’!!!!!!!! And the Ponye Express expanded a few routes and a couple of decades.”

“Oh, Leatherdick, the important thing is you are home. Why don’t we make ourselves comfy by the old oaken couch in the living room and cuddle up to a nice warm fire?”

“Ay, forsooth, I still must fix the plumbing in the bathroom. The toilete’s stopped up again.”

“Dear, we have an outhouse.”

Not missing a beat as why Leatherstocking was popularized by Fenimore Cooper

“Yes, but crickets and roaches run rampant around the toilete and it’s hard to flush with all that vermin. And it’s too late in the night to buy any Sani-Flushe at the Milfordshire General Store.”

“It’s also the dead of winter. Not too many mole cricket’s running around the toilet paper dispenser.”

Leatherstocking forgot to bring his Benjamin Rush’s Field Guide to Nature, having left it on the bar stoole at the Milfordshire Lounge so he is at a loss to name any more critters

“C’mon, let’s play some funkye music, White Boye. I’ve already thrown a couple of logs  in to keep the fire going. Now all’s I need is ANOTHER log to light a fire and THIS ONE doesn’t come from a sugar maple tree.”

“Did you cut down the pin oak tree by the horse stable? I know it could crush our log cabin in 2 seconds, Cayuga Standard Time, but it’s stood the test of time for 500 years, since right before The Plague.”

“Noooooo, this log is not made of wood even though it’s in dire need of warming up before it dies in the snow and becomes humus.”

Well, Honey, I don’t know  of too many logs not made out of wood unless Fenimore owns a Plex-Glass nurserye near the Iroquois village. But that won’t arrive until the DuPonts found the State of Delaware.”

Smacks foreheade

“There’s the petrified forest!!!”

“Well, um, yeah, I’d like to get stoned, especially by the fireplace. Wouldn’t that just be SEXY???”

“Darlin’, ain’t no way I’m goin’ down to Arizona and pick a coupla stones to satisfy your horniness. The Milford Adulte Shoppe will open 8:00 sharp in the morning. Arizona ain’t until 1912 and the Navajos told me the other day when I was in Houston on an Outdoor Seminar at the Astrodome that they were using all stones of any kind to construct Route 66.”

She loses patience and cuts to the chase

“Dear, I want to have sexe with you by the fireplace. I’ll even go out with you in the outhouse if it’ll  just get me that romantic moment.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so? I think a FedEx landau can get some aphrodisiac cheap in New Brunswick and get it absolutely, positively by noon tomorrow. Is it too late to call?”

 

“Even tough guys who befriend the Indians and live the rugged life to the point where they char-broil raccoons need to ‘fess up to their problems. Mine was harder than a rock but when I took my Conestoga wagon down to Milfordshire Men’s Clinicke, I got the answers I needed to restore my intimacy with my wife. Now we Rocke and Rolle so much, she never notices the praying mantises chewing on her butte when we get it on in the outhouse. And sexe by the fireplace ain’t bad either and there’s no cobwebs in the blankets like there is in the corners of the outhouse. Man, that’s some good screwin’. Oops, Better watch it, the Quaker Society is listening and is one of our sponsors. Anyway, check ’em today and let ‘er rip. What have you got to lose but your virginity and your scalp?”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. Get you some freshly-brewed Maxwell House Decaf Special Blend Colombian Roasted Freshly Produced From The Slaves Of Some Third World Country That’ll Induce Dylan And Baez To Stage A Concert To Promote Awareness Of Aforementioned Problem. Me, I like Hills Brothers but will grab what I can. Jump into the Masterpiece Theater and put your 2 bits worth with Gil and Kaz on the Punter Question.

 

“Ohhhhhhh, Marty, you are just having your way with me!!! I’ve never had it like this before!!!!”

“Peaches, I’m still DRIVING!!!!!!! You’re on Bus #7757, the Teddy Roosevelt Model, a real rough-riding son of a bitch!!!!!”

“Does that mean you forgot to go to the Clinic this week after I sent you on a honeydew to get some milk?”

Thanks to Jack McDonald of Clarksville, Indiana, for his contribution to the last story. He gets a shout-out because at 90, he still gets out and lives, making him look much younger. He was also a race car driver and a damn good one in his day, with SEVERAL trophies to up his game. I salute you, Jack.

 

I can’t stand this

Hardly bear this

Seeking signs for better days

 

Sink my head low

For this sideshow

Can’t Kaz grasp there’s other ways

 

Now cram this farce into a crate

Get with the program, don’t be late

And ship this crap on a yacht to Kuwait

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

How much more must we endure

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Not sailing from A to Z, fer sure

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

I’ve learned more form museum tours

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

The fruit needs more time to mature.

 

Where’s the want ads

Hey Punter

HEY PUNTER WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN

 

As Ben Folds leaves Gil and Kaz in the (I assume) office…but at least the last line and the song in general was a catharsis.

 

MUDLARK HAS KILLED MUDLARK, MUDLARK HAS KILLED MUDLARK…

Oops, that was in “Battle for Milford on The Planet of the Apes”. My bad.

September 14, 2018

Oh buddy you’ve got more then 2 problems

Panel 1 features 2 guys talking to each other while not looking at each other. And the paint scheme didnt go too well, so why the HELL are we wasting panel space on it?? 10 minutes of watching kids paint. Really scintilating television. I’m signing up for the Milford Channel asap. Then the cops show up. Boy thats a surprise. Blocking off a street for say, a block party, requires written approval from your local authorities. You cant just take a horse and stick it in the middle of a street. Hey, maybe I’ll block off Michigan Avenue for a protest tomorrow. How you think that’ll go? 10 minutes? Maybe 5.

Aaand back at football, the boys are stretching while Big Yellow Hair Guy finishes Gils sentence. They do that a lot in this strip. One person says something and the other one finishes the thought. How often does that happen in real life? My guess is –no kicker, and no punter, and the solution is– use a lineman to do both. They used to do that all the time in the pros. Paul Hornung was a punter as well as a halfback. Who was Joe Recichar? He held the NFL record for the longest field goal made, at 58 yards, until Tom Dempsey broke it with a 63-yarder. Recichar was a lineman for the Colts. (Dempseys record has since been broken) I once answered a trivia contest in the local newspaper regarding that fact, and had my name in the paper. Cool.

 

August 11, 2018

That hat aint gonna win you anything

Filed under: Gil Thorp, huge hats, Milford Weirdos, oversize objects — robmize2013 @ 7:51 pm

Oh well I can fill in since its late enough. More bs commentary from Gil. At least he didnt say ‘Gents’.

Yes theyre 2nd year golfers competing against 16 and 17 year olds. But there are Plenty of 16 and 17 year olds who are ALSO SECOND YEAR GOLFERS.!

I started swinging a club at age 9. My dad took me to the driving range for 3 years before he decided  I was ready to play a course. So I started playing in the fall of 1978 when I was almost 13. I shot 121. The next round I shot 122. Keep in mind I already knew how to hit a ball before I played a round due to my dad having me hit balls for 3 years. My short game was sorely lacking however, as I didnt have a lot of practice in that area save for chipping balls in my yard. I would aim for the lamppost in the middle of the lawn in front of the house, and we had several shorter grass areas surrounding the driveway that I used to hit shots of various lengths. I improved quite a bit from that but my putting was still weak from not enough practice on a real green. So anyway–

I dont think I broke 100 my first full season, and my 2nd season was cut short by a shoulder injury in July of the year when I went too far back on a backswing and felt something hurt. I played a couple more holes but couldnt swing all the way back, so I quit, and my shoulder wasnt better until October. 3 months. I think I may have torn a muscle, and it just took that long to heal, but I was basically done for the year. By October its school stuff and cooler weather and I dont think I played another round that year that I recall. But the shoulder healed completely. And being a kid I wasnt allowing the shoulder to slow me down- I learned to do stuff lefthanded like pitch and bat. Just couldnt swing a club.

So season 3 came and I was ready to improve and I not only broke 100 I beat my dad for the first time. Then in season 4, at age 16, I got a hole in one. I figure I played 100 par 3’s before that ace, which is very few for such a major golf accomplishment. That year I broke 90 a few times and decided I was ready to try out for my high school golf team as a junior. I had a couple things against me however. The team was good, its home course was the toughest 9 in the area, and I didnt play that course very well. My 2 nine hole scores were 52 and 52, and needless to say I was cut. My dad said dont take it personally, and I didnt, but I still felt I was better then those scores indicated; and my game continued to improve until I shot my lowest score ever, 78, a few years later. I still consider myself better then the average golfer, but I found out that improvement is slower once you reach a certain level, and I just didnt play enough to reach the low 80’s upper 70’s all the time. But thats my goal every time I tee it up.

So enough about me; what my point about telling all this is these guys are shooting 87 in their 2nd year, and thats way ahead of my pace. At that level, its all about the short game and minimizing the strokes around the green, and that takes practice and repetition. Then they can get those 83s Gil is talking about.

August 9, 2018

You Better Work!

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, Milford Weirdos — teenchy @ 7:25 am

gt08092018

Goofus brings his cell phone on the course in violation of club policy.  Gallant heads to the practice bunker to improve his game.

Goofus cuts over to 17 to get off the course early.  Gallant calls penalties on himself for double hits he may be imagining.

Goofus namechecks a comic strip that’s even less relevant to today’s readers than the one he’s in.  Gallant works on his form by trying an awkward ballet position. (I’ll leave it to our experts to tell us which one.)

The Protagonists of August will keep working, ’cause Gil sure as hell won’t.

Musical inspiration for today’s post title:

August 3, 2018

If you were serious about improving you wouldnt wait til August 3rd to start!

What the fuck?? So Gil meets these 2 dildos who apparently love golf enough that they’ll ride thier bikes in the rain to the course. You’d figure if theyre already caddying they should have a working knowledge of golf already. But here’s Gil arriving to teach them.. what?? Doesnt a normal golf course have a pro on hand to give lessons? Especially a private one?  Why the hell does this course have to have the local high school football/basketball/baseball coach come over after his baseball season just ended in August to teach some jimokes how to swing a club, after they should have been playing since freakin April? What have they been doing all this time? Waiting for Gil? By now they should have 25 rounds under their belts – this year. As a longtime golfer this is insulting my intelligence. My dad was a caddie at Olympia Fields CC for a few years in high school, and he didnt need any high school coach telling him anything. He learned to play watching the players he caddied for. These guys should be telling Gil to get the hell outa here cuz we’ve been practicing and playing for months now under the tutulage of Mister Golf Course Pro.

I’m not even starting on Panel 3.  Kid who’se 3 feet tall and carrys maybe 5 clubs in his bag has the moxie to say that? Again, how do those guys get THAT FAR on the course and not know something like that? Where are the ground rules in the clubhouse with that info? And what the hell does that little rule have to do with this storyline anyway??

I need to snap a club in half right now.

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