This Week in Milford

February 15, 2020

Phoebe’s Electric!

gt02152020

Steve Luhm, Master of the Janitorium, has been keeping the halls of Milford High so shiny that Phoebe Keener can get in some Electric Slide practice in time for the reprise of the Milford/Goshen flash mob from a few seasons back.

 

I could be wrong; Milford could be replacing West Allis, Wisconsin as the home of US speed skating, and Phoebe’s working on her stride. Then again maybe those are figure skating moves, as her camel game is very strong today.

Any or all of that makes as much sense as the gibberish she’s doling out to Alexa Watson. So Chris Schuring’s little secret is to be an obnoxious jerk and start cutting in front of people everywhere you go? How exactly has that worked out for him? He had a good game against Oakwood but how did that translate from Gil’s directive to “pounce”? He hasn’t pounced on that punk-ass DeMarco kid yet, much less throw his weight around the halls. Better left to his flunkies, I suppose.

Even Phoebe recognizes this little head game won’t make Alexa see herself as less of a geek. If it makes everyone else see that Alexa is a person who won’t let anyone stand in her way physically, then she and Chris are on to something. Too bad it’s not the Lady Mudlarks’ opponents who’ll see all that cutting ahead of kids in the hall. Once Alexa’s muscled her way into position there’s still that little matter of shooting the ball, which Chris’ solution conveniently glosses over.

Speaking of Phoebe and shooting and apropos of nothing, here’s a shot of an Eastern Phoebe taken by son of teenchy on one of our side trips to Bakst country not very long ago.

phoebe_pdsp

February 14, 2020

This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy…

Well we were going along just swimmingly for so long, then the truck went into the ditch. Chris’s hairbrained idea only opens up a new can of worms for Alexa, and why a level-headed girl like Phoebe even agrees to pass on this idea to her bestie instead of telling Chris to hit the road, is beyond me.

I kinda see his point. Like a diet– you have to not only change your eating habits, you must also change your lifestyle, otherwise the diet will not have a long shelf life and you’ll be back to your old ways in no time. It takes a while for habits to change.

He figures if Alexa acts like the boss everywhere, she’ll get used to it so much that it’ll translate to more forceful play on the court. I get that.

But his logic is just .. weird. Who the hell cares if she’s a half step in front of someone. SO IS EVERYONE ELSE!!! You got 500 students or so walking the halls between classes; no way is everyone on the same pace. She’ll quickly figure out it doesnt work, like a bad experiment. Then she’ll be back to her moody ways, and plus, she may inadvertantly knock over someones books or shove someone in the back, and the hallways of a school require a lot of courtesy in that regard.  Rudeness doesnt fly anywhere, no matter how much better that makes her on the court.

And how is a height advantage of any use in the hallways, save for seeing above some other heads moving to and from class?? My long legs got me moving faster when I needed to, not my tall body.

Hey Chris , as Clark Griswold  would say, you’re in deep.

 

 

February 13, 2020

Who Says We’re Stuck In The Mud?

Filed under: huge earrings, Milford Weirdos — tdrewhardin @ 1:17 pm

021320

The plot, as Teenchy shrewdly pointed out yesterday, detoured to the Steve Luhm Athletic & Convocational Memorial Janitorium and that detour is on all cylinders today.

And I like Thorpiverse’s choice of verbs today, ‘waylay’. Does THAT invite all kinds of possibilities. If this Pandora’s Locker were etransposed to The Bucket, ain’t no way this TWIMer is going to open it. Nope, I don’t want any Bucket Octopus Triple Cheese Burger w/ Bacon, hold the mayo, on my table at the corner booth by the window any time soon.

Now if you have your Roget’s Thesaurus handy on the bookshelf by the fireplace, the one you got for Christmas when you were in 8th grade and never touched and now sits next to Cliff’s Notes on Treasure Island and Don Ho: His Life and Songs and How He Worked The Tourists, you’ll find waylay has several synonyms.

For example, “distract”. Not too bad. So the next time I head to the Milford Bullring and watch Gil about to get waylayed by an 800-lb. bull who is steamed that the plot is waylayed in the mud but some clowns contracted out from Milford Entertainment Services come to the rescue and waylay the bull back in the corral where the beast belongs, I’ll have a better picture of what waylay means.

Okay, how about “broadside”? I’m on a roll here. The bus transporting the Milford Girls Basketball team got waylayed by several bulls that escaped from the Milford Plaza de Toros.  Fortunately, no one was waylayed. Mimi waylayed the idiot who forgot the combination to the lock that penned the creatures in their place and was frantically trying to round them up, using Lassie and Benji in the futile endeavor. Hey, animals can waylay too. I saw Rin Tin Tin waylay his master in the Janitorium on a late night episode. And waylay can be broadly defined as body-slamming which Mimi did to the poor schmuck. There were bulls running all over Milford but Mimi was waylayed with satisfaction. Sometimes you get overcome with revenge.

How about ‘diversify’? Aaaaaaaa, not really. Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Enterprises waylaying their stock into long term bonds and not getting frisky with the market so in case it loses its shirt on Milford Foundry, it can at least have something in the kitty in the future, really just won’t cut it. Better stick with ‘diversify’ and leave ‘waylay’  for, say, the basketball gym when Marty Moon waylays Gil after the latter grinned his way to another bitter defeat.

 

If ya have ta waylay yore mother-in-law ta the Janitorium whenever you and her have ta talk about gittin’ a job instead of havin’ ta go out in the woods and hunt for the groceries when yore wife told her mother she wuz leavin’ him the next time they had squirrel souffle, ya might be a redneck.

 

Funny that you should mention the word, “weird”, Phoebe. I’m not going to go through another analysis of the English vocabulary but when we have to settle the issue in the Janitorium, “weird” would cover it.

Is THAT a Ten Commandments for Janitors that they must obey that’s attached to the door?

#4-Thou shalt not bear false witness against your colleague scrubbing the desks after school lets out

#6-Thou shalt honour your coaches, your coaches’ wives, their children, their livestock, including their asses, and all the other members of their household including their maids

#7-Remember Game Day, to keep it Holy and Sanctified unto Gil, for that is pleasing unto The Lord. Thou shalt buffereth after the contest.

#8-Thou shalt keep the toilets clean for I am a jealous Gil and will bear no stench before its time, remembering particularly the WC in my office. Renuzit killeth the stink and is sweetness unto The Lord.

 

I can’t remember the others, I had to jot down what I could quickly before the next bell rang.

 

Luhm does seem to stock a good game. I liked his pile-up of Pabst Blue Ribbon next to the Borax Tile Floor Cleaning Solution. Or is that Pine-Sol? Either way, after you’ve pried the chewing gum from under the overhead projector and wiped the blackboard displaying Einstein’s Theory of Relativity with those Terry cloths on the right, it’s Miller time.

 

At the Milford Beverage Warehouse drive-thru

WE’RE SORRY WE CAN’T FIT THE TOILET THROUGH THE WINDOW YOU’LL HAVE TO DRIVE UP FRONT

 

Still trying to figure out how Thorpiverse joined two levers with the pelvic area and call that Phoebe’s butt with a straight face, I am just absolutely nonplussed by her comment in P2.

What sports strip are you watching, Phoebe????? You haven’t noticed Alexa spilling her guts out because she’s probing why she won’t shoot when open? That the reason she won’t shoot the breakaway lay-up after stealing the pass is because she got goggle-eyed after a Jeopardy! episode and was the cow that got Circle W branded on her head by Roy Rogers? And you’re her best friend. You’ve been buried in one study group too many, evidently.

Not that I’m wild about what’s about to unfold from Chris. Haven’t we already determined the culprit? That it was Alex Trabek in the Living Room with a Basketball? That it was used more as a murder weapon than a thing you bounced several times before you shoot a free throw?

What’s next, she won’t get a hand in her opponent’s face because she saw Bob Barker do that to a contestant when the latter was trying to guess the actual retail price on the Whirlpool Set It and Forget It Washing Machine?

ALEXA WATSON, COME ON DOWN YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PLOT IS RIGHT

I can see why she had nightmares.

 

On a Jeopardy! episode late one night on WDIG

“I’ll take Civil War Movies for $500”

“In this film, the Tara was ravaged and overrun when the Union army came to call and Scarlett O’ Hara married Rhett Butler instead of Ashley Wilkes, Mimi?”

“What is ‘Remember the Titans’?”

“No, sorry, that is incorrect, Maureen?”

“What is ‘Gone With The Wind’?”

“Yes, that is correct. At $500, that brings your total winnings to $10,935. You need to get out more, Mimi.”

 

Don’t even go there with P3. I’m not EVEN going to try to decipher the leer that Mr. Schuring is positing with, we assume, Phoebe Keener.

The Evil Eye could run the gamut from “I want to get in your pants and the Janitorium is the perfect place to do it” to “You dare question me after I have finished the Freudian Psychoanalysis Course, complete with 8 Audio-Cassettes, that I borrowed at the library?”.

But we’re more than likely to get our answer tomorrow and much quicker than either team will return to the floor TO PLAY BASKETBALL, one of the raison d’etre’s of this strip. This better be good.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is Countee Cullen, an astute poet and novelist. Cullen was adopted at an early age and became a towering intellect as he got older. His poetry displays his acumen, among poems such as “Yet Do I Marvel”, “Heritage”, and “The Black Christ”. He also wrote novels, though not as much as poetry, but selections such as “One Way to Heaven”, which I have personally read, further convinced me why he was a major player in the Harlem Renaissance. He could explain incidents with razor-sharp perceptions. In one scene, when it was time to go home t a church service, the elders flipped the lights on and off in the middle of a conversation he had with a fellow churchgoer. His poetry and stories had life down cold.

A Harvard student and deservedly so, please join me in saluting one of the greats in literature and who became a credit to all of humanity. The stage is yours, Mr. Cullen.

 

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of “Luhm’s Closet” after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“Honeyyyyyyyyyyyy, we have a date with destinnnnnyyyyyyyyy. Up to the bedroom you gooooooooo.”

“Not now, Mrs. Shaw. I’m installing these windows in the living room. I want a room with a view.”

“Darling, using a sledge hammer on the window frames just to see the Milford water tower isn’t my idea of the Grand Canyon.”

“That’s what you think. Why, when I get done, it’ll be a day in Paradise. And I got a great deal from Milford WindowsPlus. If I make a nominal minimum purchase, they’ll only charge $119 to install it. I didn’t have to put the second vehicle up for collateral. And we’re talkin’ Turn of the Century decor. Just think, I’ll watch the same things that Theodore Roosevelt watched out the window. And he didn’t have ESPN back then.”

“Honey, tell the installer to pack up his tool box and go home and take care of his own ED problems and come to beddyy-byyyyyyyyyy.”

“And miss out on what Mrs. Kravitz is doing across the street???? No way, Jose. Turnabout is fair play. She’s been snooping on us and Darren Stevens’ abode for too damn long. And with 100% financing with no payments and no interest for 12 months, I can see why Mr. Kravitz has his own Erectile problems. God, if I had to go to bed with a woman who spends more time spying than gettin’ it on with her man, I’d be camping in the mall by the Milford Men’s Clinic entrance too. Those Anderson Windows will make the scene bright and shiny. And they have a money-back guarantee. If you don’t laugh your ass off at Mrs. Kravitz’s tankin’ it because the window’s too streaky-”

“Honey, if the WindowsPlus man doesn’t leave, I’ll tell him about YOUR pelvic thrusts.”

 

“Face it, I wasn’t about to spill the beans to someone who nuked my scenery just so I could get a better view. I marched my butt down to Milford Men’s Clinic where their treatment programs are equalled by none. Now, me and Mrs. Shaw trip the light fantastic every night. We just make sure the Anderson windows are blocked by the curtains so that Mrs. Kravitz don’t get no ideas.

Come on down to the Clinic today so that Mrs. Kravitz won’t know what hit her.

 

Gang, have at it. You mean the world to me. I’m still going to try to figure out Chris’ Evil Eye but you mean the world to me.

Maybe he’s hungry.

February 6, 2020

“‘The Invisible Player’ Will Not Be Seen Tonight So That WDIG May Present The Following Special, ‘Mudlark Basketball’.”

020620

“I’m in my own world when I put on my football helmet. How to drive, draw, and dish. How many quarters I’m going to need for my laundry at the Milford 24-Hour Laundromat and Tanning Clinic. How much Coppertone I’m going to need when I’m under the heat lamp while my Dickies work pants are going through the ‘rinse’ cycle. What piece I’m going to change into when the pawn reaches the 8th square after I’ve queened a couple other pieces when I’m playing Coach Thorp in his office. What to do when Coach Thorp takes the name of the Lord in vain and slams the chessboard on Kaz’s head, who’s been kibbutzing the match, and says I cheated when my pawn captured en passant. Sometimes competitive juices go a little overboard.”

“I understand, but how do you use a helmet in basketball?”

“Coach is still mad from the match and the refs understood. As long as I had medical clearance, I was good to go.”

 

Okay, so for the moment, I’m going to pretend that Hamlet is in a mini-soliloquy and that he is agonizing through another “To be or not to be” phase, overlapping through Alexa’s own troubling phase. I still think we oughta go back to basketball and if neither one is carrying out instructions that have CLEARLY been stated the last 3 weeks, then bench them and get somebody who WILL carry them out, but in Thorpiverse, all the world’s a basketball court and players are the actors.

“O Romeo, Romeo, where art thou, Romeo?”

“Working on a pick-and-roll with Mercutio. The Capulets have been packing it in so I need to establish my perimeter game then hit Mercutio or Benvolio down low when Potpan is overplaying me.”

 

If you need a place to live, check out Iroquois Gardens Apartments. This place has been PERFECT for doing this comedy blog. I can concentrate because of the great atmosphere and great furnishings. Nice to hit the microwave when I’m running dry on ideas. Factor in a super neighborhood with easy access to a lot of stores and restaurants and I’m the luckiest man alive. The cost is pretty darn affordable too. Sounds like excellent living to me. Head to the office and meet Melody Bland and Haley Strickland, great property managers, and their friendly staff and explore all the opportunities that they have in store. You won’t regret it.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everyone knows your name. They know mine.

 

WHAT IS THIS??????? What does he mean “inside my helmet”? I THINK the implication is that he is like Simon & Garfunkel’s tune “I Am a Rock” whenever he puts on the chin straps, doing what rocks do, i.e., nothing to attract or warrant attention. Both he and Alexa would be perfect in a church gravel parking lot if we’re going to go that far.

I just let the cars go by, I wouldn’t want to be like the asphalt or the cement mixer and do anything to make a spectacle of myself. The UPS truck can’t make deliveries to the church office if I don’t hold up my end of the bargain and look stupid and stony-faced. Let somebody else sign their John Henry with the Etch-a-Sketch pencil on the scanner they hand to you when somebody needs to sign off on the 10 packages of L’eggs being delivered to the church secretary. There’s no “I” in the word “Rock”.

 

Don’t make me shoot

I only want to rebound

I am shielded by the backkkkkk-board

Mimi won’t get off me

I’m happy to draw a charge

I’m sick and tired of this lousy wannabe sarge

I am a Rock

I am a Mudlark

 

And I THINK Chris has been molded by Gil into one of those “Set it and forget it” ovens we see at your friendly neighborhood department store all the time (Wal-Mart, Target, for example) . That would not be surprising. Gil has been in a “Draw the play then go play golf” mode for eons. Don’t lay your Stouffer’s 8-Servings Lasagna in the microwave, then expect Gil to be around when the beeper finally goes off after 16 minutes. If he has been an absentee landlord for basketball et al. longer than the USA Basketball team refusing their Silver Medals at the 1972 Olympics, what makes you think he’s going to be around when the lasagna finally cools off so that your tongue won’t get 3rd-degree burns from the heat? Don’t wait for him to take the first bite or pour Lawry’s Sea Salt all o ver the lasagna. Remember, you have 7 servings, assuming you served yourself. You can always feed the next-door neighbor and your dogs.

Therefore, once Chris does indeed put on his helmet and sets the oven on autopilot, I shudder.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE???? AND WHY IS CHRIS’ HELMET OVER BY THE 50-YARD LINE??????

“Gil, the wiring in his head went haywire. The ‘Set and forget it’ button was connected to the ‘defrost’ function’.”

“Damn, and I had a golf scramble this afternoon.”

 

I’ve set screens

A buttock deep and mighty

That none may penetrate

I have no need for shooting

Shooting causes pain

Five-footers and it’s free throws I disdain

I am a Rock

I am a Mudlark

 

First off, P2 has to display the most obvious crotch shot in quite some time. Boy, if you want to learn how to outline the Golden Gate Bridge at Milford School of Architecture & Design, you have to take baby steps. Learning how to draw Felix the Cat’s private parts is crucial to the final steps in engineering the amount of tonnage the cables will sustain in San Francisco rush hour traffic. Factor of safety means everything. Watching Wilma Flintstone bend over when she’s loading the dryer ran by some talking pterodactyl will go a long way in doing a rough draft on the Chesapeake Bay Tunnel-Bridge. Sign me up.

Moving on from the obvious, so to speak, we are getting into the esoteric part of the strip today. Not sure if my Social Psych course I took when I was freshman will help me here but here goes. My guess is that she prefers Chris to take the center stage since she’s happy being a combo rebounder-defense kind of a player. Fair enough. I don’t know a coach who would not want a player willing to do the dirty work for the team.

And if this was The Brady Bunch, we would applaud Greg for taking one for the team. Never mind that Susan Willcox-Olsen (or Olson, flip a coin) a/k/a Cindy Brady is on the same roster. Pretend that it’s Co-ed Basketball and guys can only shoot with the opposite hand, unless the opposing coach raises any objections and then the shooter has to use the other hand the rest of the game.  A lot better than the Thorpiverse scenario which is possibly heading us straight into the Grand Canyon without a parachute. Usually if someone utters a remark that’s supposed to be pivotal to the plot and/or season as Alexa is uttering in P2, we are opening ourselves up (unfortunately) to a Pandora’s Box of possibilities. Bet on it.

She’s not shooting wide-open 2 footers because she’s competing with Chris for Valedictorian???? She heaves cross-court passes because Chris got an “A” in Trig and she got a ‘B+’???? She’d rather rebound than perform a breakaway slam because Chris was the keynote speaker at the Milford Academic Awards Banquet and she just passed out the programs at the door???? Recluses shouldn’t spike the punch, Alexa.

Stay tuned for this Brady Bunch episode where Cindy and Alice have to talk Alexa out of hiding in the hamper because Chris fed Greg for the 3-point play. I think you know which part of this paragraph smells of dirty laundry.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Fined Heavily At His Condo By The Milford Health Department!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“I set the timer on the oven to 1 hour for my Taco Bell Liver ‘n’ Onion Limburger Chimichanga but got a disconnect from Milford Gas & Electric 23 minutes later while I went to visit friends.”

 

Don’t talk of offense

But I’ve heard the words before

It’s sleeping at the halfcourt line

 

I won’t disturb the slumber of Mimi’s give-and-go

If I never shot, I swat it second row

I am a Rock

I am a Mudlark

 

I remember reading something in my vast MAD collection where an article pointed out, essentially, that you should worry when… and the article talked about different situations. I laughed when one scene stated in the caption that you should worry when a player from the opposing team pats you on the fanny after a great play, then keeps his hand on your fanny the remained of the game, the scene showing the victimized player in consternation as the opposing player has his hand firmly entrenched on the victim’s butt.

So I am not going to comment today when Alexa has here hand firmly implanted on Phoebe’s 1) Shoulder Blade 2) Milford Sporting Goods Sportsbra 3) Dorsal part of an elongated collarbone 4) Sunburn from memorizing integrals in Calculus II and setting the sun lamp and forgetting it at the Milford Tanning Clinic 5) All of the above.

I’d be wondering too.

And before the season ends, the Milford Shuffleboard Society may be able to change the floor back to a basketball court. It just has to let the floor dry once the lines are sandpapered off. Sandblast it and forget it. The whole thing should be ready to go once our heroines are finished with their Folger’s moment.

 

“We will return for the conclusion of Marcel Proust’s A La Recherche du Temps Perdu or Fast Times at Milford High after these messages.”

“Honeyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s time to come to beddy-byyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hold on, Mrs, Shaw. I’m still applying to Milford School of Architecture & Design. They said I can take a correspondence course at 1/3 the tuition if I can draw 10 crotch shots that’ll meet the Board of Directors’ satisfaction.”

“There’s a crotch that needs to meet my satisfaction and you don’t have to draw Johnny Quest’s you-know-what to get it.”

“How’d you know what I was drawing?”

“Darling, put the wittle pencil down and come wid your play thingee cuz she’s got a surpwizzzee for you.”

“An 8 x 11 of Calvin & Hobbes when the camera zooms too close?”

“Noooooooooooo.”

“Damn!!!!!!!! I was close!!!!!!! Okay, a crotch shot of Popeye beatin’ Wimpy’s ass after Wimpy ate too many Bucket Burgers.”

“Actually, Popeye would trade spinach for this anyday.”

“WHAT?????? NO WAY!!!!!!!! Popeye ain’t gettin’ my sketches of Pogo Possum, I don’t care how many Bucket Burgers he pries out of Wimpy’s butt. The Registrar at the School said I can fudge a couple of drawings since Pogo and Winnie the Pooh don’t have anything in between.”

“Honey, at the rate you’re going, you  have something in common with them.”

“Winnie the Pooh and Spiderman can leap from building to building?”

“It was time to put down the blue pencil and face the facts. I had a clog worse than the sewer out front and we both knew it. But the Milford Men’s Clinic saved the day with Miracle Rush 3500, a state-of-the-art drug that’ll unclog Erectile Dysfunction quicker than you can say ‘Hoover Dam’. Come get out of your own logjam down at the Clinic. Me and my wife have had several major crotch shots and you can too. Paradise begins when the traffic congestion ends.”

Thanks for all your patience, Gang. I still wonder where Alexa is putting her arm as long as caffeine is the order of the day. I love coffee but I always keep my hands to myself.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is actually about 2 persons, gentlemen I discussed last year. At the risk of rehashing, I felt their contributions were too significant to not be talked about once again.

Booker T. Washington and William Edward Burghardt Du Bois were men who arguably have contributed, if not the most, then a lot to the credibility of their race.

Washington was a very humble Christian man who founded The Tuskegee Institute, based on the notion that if the Black Man were to progress in the Upward March of Humanity, he had to learn a trade. He stuck to that notion until the day he died and it paid off in a mighty way. For example, if we sent a Man to the Moon, we have engineers from Tuskegee to thank, who contributed their part to see it happen. Washington’s dream was not in vain.

On the other end of the spectrum was Du Bois. He felt that a man learning a trade was limiting himself to bigger possibilities that could only be revealed through college, particularly the Liberal Arts Program. A well-rounded man was able to think better and handle the complexities that society threw at the Human Race. True to his word, he was the first African-American to earn a Doctorate from Harvard. The man was brilliant, Gang.

Whichever side you choose to take, please join me in saluting two men who have been a HUGE asset to the Human Race as well as their own.

 

 

I have my coach

And his assistant to protect me

 

Oops, better stop. I don’t wanna wind up in the doghouse over false advertising.

 

Why the Bulls were dominant in the ’90’s

 

“Ref, I want Jordan shooting with the other hand. No way can he get 59 points by being honest.”

“No problem, Gil.”

February 5, 2020

Unwanted attention, on and off the court

gt02052020

I wouldn’t like attention, either, when it’s coming from someone whose attention I don’t want, who walks up to me looking like an alien host from The X-Files, and who starts making unsolicited observations and psychoanalyses about my behavior.

Rubin’s created this kind of Goofus and Gallant vibe coming from the Alexa and Chris dynamic. Alexa lets criticism go to her head while Chris lets the taunts of immature punks slide like water off a duck’s back. Alexa treats academics like a contact sport – or so we’re told – while Chris is much more chill when it comes to his studies. (They’re both kind of hung up on their stats, though.) Chris’ blunt approach to Alexa today moves his personal needle closer to Goofus. At least he’s left Alexa an opening, probably because he knows she never takes them.

Playing quarterback to get attention is such a Pelwecki thing to do. Alexa should know that every boy who’s put his hands under center for the past five seasons has had to fill the cleats of a unicorn*  and, by extension, validate Gil’s ability as a coach. No pressure there.

 

*Did anybody notice that Wake Forest’s starting QB transferred to Georgia? Leaves an opening for redshirt senior True Standish.

January 24, 2020

Dy-No-Miiite!!

Filed under: basketball, Milford Weirdos, Mimi Thorp — robmize2013 @ 10:00 pm

Hey its Eddie Murphy, the newest Mudlark with a moustache, strutting down the hallways of Milford High and passing on his immense knowledge of hoops with his female counterpart. How the hell does she have time to watch (all)  his games when she’s allegedly busy playing hers? Pretty fancy jacket he’s wearing while she has a t-shirt. What is this – Rydell High? John Travolta wore this outfit most of the time in the movie; that was the 50’s. Oh yeah Milford is set in the 50’s. Ah well..

I watch the Chicago Bulls, not for a living. I’ve seen Zac Levine do some serious scoring too. Know where thats getting the boys? All the way to 17-30 and going on 22 seasons since Jordan beat the Jazz in Game 6 in ’98 for ring number 6. Its been a while…

So this ‘serious scoring’ shit only gets a team so far.  As far as being tall– You know who else was tall? Robert Wadlow.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Wadlow

All of 8’11, his next point in basketball would  be his first. Tall dont mean jack if you otherwise have 2 left feet.

Then his girl passes the buck; why cant She tell Mimi this stuff? So Mimi can tell Alexa. And so on. And so on. And so on.

METAPOST: Man I forgot how hot Heather Locklear used to be. I watched Melrose Place in the 90’s all the time; she never looked this good.

 

January 18, 2020

The freak hands are better.

Filed under: Bad Jokes, freak hands, lessons learned, Milford Weirdos — robmize2013 @ 4:39 pm

OMG – filling in for Teenchy today as he’s on a long day trip. Chris produces a full page stat sheet that I’m sure is available on both the internet and your local bathroom wall at a sports bar. Nothing like perusing those 4 for 9 stats while taking a leak next to some dude who’s 3 sheets to the wind, pissing for 10 minutes. . Multi-tasking at its finest. I go to Hooters every now and then and they have the sports page on the wall above the urinals, so this aint far-fetched.

Chris’ teammate points out (literally) that he’s better served dishing the rock for assists, even though the only points we saw the big guy score were after Schuring got faced on a layup attempt. Chris looks like one of those small guards who would be wise to stay out of the paint, as otherwise any big guy would shove the ball down his throat.

Then we see P3 and he’s actually TALLER then the center?? Hey Gil— your lineup needs work buddy.  Chris must have zero vertical leap if he’s blocked by someone who then allows the real Shorty to get the put-back.

Playing offense in your head?? How about playing it on the court? Methinks that’ll work better. Team of duffusses, these guys. At least they have great hands.

 

January 4, 2020

All Suited Up and No Place to Go

gt01042020

Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit.  Gil Thorp is actually doing something tantamount to coaching today, but could he go about it any more awkwardly?

I mean really.  He pulls the kid out of class, makes him suit up in his game uniform, then makes him come back into his office to stand in front of his enormous window while he lectures him.  What sort of bizarre power trip/sexual peccadillo is at work here, I leave to the mind of the reader.  Talk amongst yourselves.

With that out of the way, let’s figure out how this weird scene advances the plot.  Schuring doesn’t mind taking the shots in practice against his crappy teammates, but hesitates to shoot against actual competition.  Now, at Gil’s direction, he’ll take more shots during games.  He’ll miss his share and, when he does, Teddy DeMarco will get into his head.  Good guy Chris will pretend not to care until he actually does, and his academics will suffer in turn.  Meanwhile Chris’ caring teammates will duct tape DeMarco into a locker until Teddy whines about his bad home life or whatever bullshit excuse bullies use for being bullies.  Everybody kisses and makes up and Milford still misses the playdowns.  Someone makes a lame joke and everyone exits, stage left, through a hallway.

What about all that valedictorian drama? That’ll have to wait until after spring sports are over and the school year ends, sometime around the Fourth of July.

 

 

« Newer PostsOlder Posts »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.