This Week in Milford

November 27, 2019

Hasn’t There Already Been an Investigation?

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Excuse me but haven’t Marjie, the superintendent and Captain Man Bun already investigated Ballardgate?  What’s left to investigate?  How about some of the details in today’s strip?

P1: How much squirming must it take to get your forearm in front of you to facepalm at that angle?  Careful Chet, you’ll poke your eye out.

P2: We’re on to the third day in a row where people are just reading Marjie’s article aloud to other people.  I can see why Gil looks a little pissy, especially since Mimi’s leaning over him to point at what she’s reading.  (Bet she’s one of those people whose lips move when they read to themselves.)  It’s enough to distract him from his carbo loading. Must have a heavy day of lifting with Kaz on the agenda.

P3 triggered a lot of childhood memories for me, as I remember fondly the day my father bought me a Howard Elston catcher’s mitt. Superintendent Elston looks like a lot of recycled art pasted together: Lee Corso’s head with Paulie Walnuts’ hair spliced atop a  torso Walt “No Neck” Williams style, an odd suit jacket with contrasting lapels and a pocket square but no necktie, and topped off with Whigham’s signature gesticulating hand.  He gets the “immediate” part of the investigation; not so sure about the “thorough” though, as he sends his female charge off with no real direction.

That’s all I have to say about that.  Tip of the hat to Rubin for reminding me of the first black Yankee and the man who had the unfortunate task of having to fill Yogi Berra’s shoes.

 

November 25, 2019

Why Did Grandpa Lock Himself In His Bomb Shelter?

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This is quite a strip. Three panels and six characters recapping the baffling actions of The Press in “exposing” the Chet Ballard/Chance Macy affair (without mentioning any names). We recap last week’s phone call from Marjie to Chance’s grandfather (with a rug?) and then we get a look at two Milford power couples to see how they prefer to consume their daily news. (One couple reads print and the other online, but both couples employ a “one reads to the other” technique. Ugh. Not a fan.)

So let’s talk about this story that The Star is running. There’s not much there, is there? I can’t understand why they are running the story. The School Board was made aware of Chet’s actions and they did their own investigation. Yes, Marjie (and friend) at The Star triggered the investigation by informing the Superintendent of the anonymous voicemail, but that’s not a story. If the Board takes action against Chet, then we have a story. Is there some reason that Marjie and her editors suspect that the Board will not be taking action even though the paper knows that the Board knows what Chet did? That would be a story too, but we haven’t been given any reason to suspect that this is the case.

The bottom line is that this story is sloppy and slapdash. Great, let’s print it!

November 8, 2019

We heard you the first time dope.

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp, Marjie Ducey, Milford Weirdos, Mimi Thorp — robmize2013 @ 10:21 pm

After a month of farting around with these 2 players, all we know for sure is 99% of the school couldnt give a rats ass which one carries the ball on Friday nights.

How the hell is Chet sabotaging Chances workload on the field??

Gil is the coach. Gil decides who plays. Gil calls the plays. Gil controls the action.

Chet is a parent/spectator who yells in the stands. They always say, if you listen to the fans you’ll be sitting with them one day. Gil may finally be on that road.

Marjie’s back, and man she looks hot on Saturday.  (Yes I peeked. No. not there!)

November 2, 2019

Sweet Child o’ Mine

Filed under: boring memories, freak feet, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Mimi Thorp — teenchy @ 8:38 pm

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I’ve been contributing here at TWIM for what seems like ages, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve lost a step when it comes to my institutional memory of the Thorpiverse. That said I’m having a hard time picking up on a couple of the details in today’s strip.  They’re as fuzzy to me as the toes on Mimi’s right foot.

First, what law prevents Gil from sharing the details of his convo with Chance Macy with Mimi? I’ve given FERPA a cursory glance and I can only surmise that Gil’s referring to Chance’s school records re his behavior, and that Mr. Coach Thorp qualifies as a “school official with legitimate educational interest” to whom a school can disclose those records without written permission from the parent or eligible student. That would cover the records, but the conversation? It’s not protected by attorney-client, accountant-client, priest-pentient, doctor-patient or therapist-patient privilege. Someone please clue me in.

Second, where in the course of the past week’s strip did we get any inkling that Chance was sad about all of this? He went walking and talking with Gil but the main thrust of that talk was the therapy he’s had and the things that set him off. (The “my so-called parents” line leaves an opening. Did they abandon Chance to his grandparents after one too many knife-throwing jags?) You know who must be sad, sweet children, Mimi? Keri and Jamie!

September 3, 2019

For They March Out To Bastille Day-Oh, It’s A Milford Pep Rally. Never Mind.

Filed under: Bonfire!, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 8:05 am

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Oh, brother. Gil, we know you’re trying to have Marjie’s back because she’s a Boswell for your perpetual youth movement that’s been interrupted occasionally by a few championship teams that actually had leaders who had actual addresses, but puh-lllleeassee, don’t confuse Marjie’s Milford Middle School 7th-grade journalism with Grantland Rice.

“Coach Thorp said it wasn’t polite to point. Coach Thorp said his football team will do good. Coach Thorp said he is proud of his team. He says they work hard. He says they eat lots of sandwiches. He says they are the sheet. He says they’ll win the confferance. He says he doesn’t know where Tiki lives at.”

…will do WELL, Kiddies. And you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.

Gil, the only time Marjie showed up was when she asked about your practice habits and you practically shut her up with a sloppy joe. You had her singing “Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener” by the time the ambulance hauled Sam Finn off to the Milford Minor Emergency Clinic. Yeah, Gil, you got a lot done that day. Finn was laying on one of those flatboards with a fan blowing on him in one of the 1,548, 396 rooms a minor emergency clinic has at its disposal and you fattened the sacrificial cow with Manwiches. Another day at the office.

Oh, I forgot, she came to your office because she was concerned about the LEFT SIDE of your office. Everything on your right side was fine, championship memorabilia at its finest, e.g., Gil posing with Jerry Pulver for the State Championship, Gil sitting next to Whitey Herzog at the counter in a St. Louis bar, one of those with the Budweiser sign shining brightly, Arkansas being able to locate it, etc.

But the left side is a disaster. You posing with Jamie and Keri after they won the Pre-K Division at Milford Mini-Links? Your bowling trophy you won at the Milford Lanes raffle? The Speaker of the Year plaque garnered at the Milford Lion’s Club Luncheon? Rubik’s cube from the Milford Athletic Club Silent Auction?

Hard-hitting journalism at its finest. Marjie, if Tiki and his roommate Fleming don’t win an ESPY, it’s a crime.

 

Milford students at the fire

Catering is at the hire

Burn the deadwood into ash

Yell that Oakwood’s just a buncha trash

 

For they march out to the Rally Day

Homework left in their locker for a spell

They just shout out all the expletives

This rally’s short a second coming of Hell

 

After attending my local university’s men’s soccer match the other day and walking by the Port-o-Lets in the university’s football stadium’s parking lot where I parked my vehicle

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“EPA Shuts Down Portable Toilets At Milford Football Stadium After Neighborhood Associations Complain Of Stench Pervading The Streets!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Floral cited roses with stunted growth and azalea bushes budding well into June; ‘No more jalapeno peppers on Ducey’s sloppy joes PLEASE. The rhododendrons are dying’.”

 

PRE-SEASON PREVIEW? Mimi, since WHEN has Marjie Ducey worked for Street & Smith? Yeah, their Valley Conference Football Roundup Edition. I’d LOVE to see the Predicted Order of Finish. I’ve been losing sleep over where New Thayer is going to wind up in the standings. We know Oakwood is going to get burned at the stake so you can save your Manwich-stained pen on that one. Again, she has come in and asked only about 2 questions that have amounted to anything and that ain’t saying much. They were of the “Bigger than a bread basket” variety. All she was doing was rubber-stamping Gil’s pomposity when she wasn’t feeding from Gil’s trough. Chris Berman didn’t ask Joe Torre if the left side of Yankee Stadium was going to be a factor this year. Sure, Chris, after we gave Derek Jeter Blu-Blocker glasses, he found out that the right side of Yankee Stadium wasn’t Yellowstone. Tore the cover off the ball after that. Andy Pettite started throwing strikes after we moved the left side of Yankee Stadium out of the subway. Want another Happy Meal?

Then there’s The Boss (A moniker he hated, BTW, and still does) putting his arm around Mimi. Is Bruce still married? I can see the matchup

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rumors Intensifying Over Possible Love Tryst Between Mimi And Springsteen!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“All I said was ‘Darkness on the Edge of Town’ was lovely; all of a sudden we’re drinking out of the same Bucket Vanilla Shake, according to Marty.”

 

In Mimi’s room

We make love while Gil’s at practice

Roll in the sheets and play basketball

Lost at a game of H-O-R-S-E

 

She’s so fun

Better than the time with Dr. Pearl

Had to give her CPR

And lots of Mountain Dew to sit up

 

There’s a sadness

In her pretty face

A face without a team

From which no

Man

Can

Shoot

Free

Throws

True

WE KISS

And the blood rushes through my veins…

 

“Candy’s Room” is the name of the tune if you whippersnappers want to catch the rest of Bruce’s tune. I have some Gil-slaying still to do.

 

Gang, I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt and say that in P1, Gil did NOT leave his washing machine in the middle of the road, let alone park it perpendicular to the street. I will stick my neck out and say that the line is an elongated parking lane produced by a Milford Traffic Department employee who went a little overboard with the Pittsburgh Paint Off White and that washing machines have no tail lights. But only this one time.

 

Okay, you whippersnappers, here we go again with another dose of Rush

 

Ooooohh, there’s no bread, let them eat cake

There’s no end to what players partake

Sloppy joes and bar-b-q ribs

Load your plate from the corn cob cribs

 

For they march out to the Rally Day

Concession stand is shut down for the night

All the anger spewed from players and fans

Marjie taking notes after one more bite

 

Then there’s P2. How many times do I gotta tell The Omega Man that these nocturnal albino creatures are just going to start some shit at these pep rallies? We have enough on our plate without worrying about someone who really needs to be in a zombie movie when he’s not harassing Charlton Heston who’s only trying to finish his Bucket o’ Pasta and Frankfurters at the deserted Bucket (hey, it’s sci-fi, work with me) . Can’t our nocturnal nemesis please transfer to The Shining? Oh, wait a minute, it’s just Gil who had his eyes taken out by some voodoo witch when Gil cut his son from the freshman team. Thank God Mimi is there to be a seeing-eye dog. And I think if you extend the right hand of fellowship and give these nocturnal creatures a plate of corn dogs, they should settle down. Milford City Police won’t have to utilize their riot gear that way. A win-win situation.

 

Mimi, don’t you play with the students or your playing with fire.

So the students own some land down on Mudlark Lake, next to St. John Wood.

 

Sorry, Mimi, I tried to fit a Thorpiverse square peg into a Rolling Stones round hole. I honestly tried.

 

One more time, Gil and Mimi, MARJIE SUCKS.

Can you not get the hint? Marjie’s journalism belongs in the Thrifty Nickel or in one of those handouts on Winnebagos you see at the Milford Truck Stop. She stops in for a cup of coffee and sloppy joes, writes about the camper with garage space and a wide-screen TV based upon what we’ve seen from her the last few days and you got the nerve to make it sound like she travels with the team. Gil, she occupies the lower level that Bugs Bunny resides in year-round, then when she sees her shadow, she gets her pad and Paper-mate, writes a ballad about team-depending-on-season, then goes back home to hibernate until the winter season. Even the blob in the background will attest to that. Sheesh, it looks like it’s already DEVOURED Oakwood.

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Files EPA-Approved Restrictive Usage Order Through Cochran For Bonfire Rally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Whheewwwieee, man, you oughta smell the linen closet in my condo after they burn them wieners when the Port-a-Potties are nearby; one night I had to go to Milford 7-11 to get a case of Glade after the Tilden Rally.”

 

Gang, the signs haven’t changed in 60 years and they are about as original as something a Romper Room graduate would paint on their placards. “Fire it up”???????? “Toast Oakwood”???????? C’mon, this isn’t school spirit, not with lukewarm cliches that some struggling comedian was using in “Punchline.”

“Stick those marshmallows on a stick and burn their asses!!!!!!!!!!”

“Coach Andrews uses Marjie’s steno notes for toilet paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Roast Oakwood next to the dead pig, there’s room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oakwood stinks like this Port-a-Pot I’m sittin’ in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Eat my shorts and jump on a pile of cow manure when the moon is full and the Labor Day Telethon brings out the 1,000,000th kid, probably the son of Oakwood parents, to get on his hands and knees for one more donation…”

Okay, someone ran wild with the last one. I can’t control the fanatics, sorry.

But THOSE are signs sure to intimidate!!!!!!!!!! School spirit will be at fever pitch and the Mudlarks are sure to coast to victory over Oakwood, even with Gil’s inept coaching. in the bag, folks.

 

Lessons taught, but never learned

Effigies of Tod Andrews burned

Guide the Mudlarks by the past

At the 3rd quarter, the mould was cast

 

For they march out to the Rally Day

La Guillotine claimed Gil’s bloody hair

Hear the students cry “ol’ Oakwood stinks!!!!”

Riots in Milford’s streets, the ‘Larks’ bill of fare

 

If ya lit one too many matches and the the fire starts ragin’ outta control and it sets the Port-a-Potties a-blazin’, causin’ the EPA to shut down the event because the agency notates that it smells too much like yore bloodhound’s dog house after you notated on a signboard “Oakwood eats squirrel meat for breakfast!!!!!!!!”, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Ooooooookkkkkk, here’s a recipe sure to please at your next bonfire and/or football pre-season picnic

Turkey Cordon Bleu Casserole

Prep time, 20 minutes, give or take 8 minutes, depending on how long it takes Coach Shaw to shoot the turkey in some woods on Mr. Green Jeans’ property

2 cups uncooked Milford IGA Elbow Macaroni (or Kraft for those of you who can afford Hadley Venom as a lawyer)

2 cans (10.75 ounces apiece) Milford IGA Condensed Cream of Chicken Soup, undiluted, straight from Gil’s distillery he hides from the police behind Tiki’s cave

3/4 cup 2% milk

1/4 cup Bucket Parmesan Cheese, freshly ground after the Italian sausage got washed off the grater

1 teaspoon French’s Mustard

1 teaspoon paprika

1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary, crushed after the cat and Gil’s kids walked on the dead bush

1/4 cup garlic powder

1/8 teaspoon rubbed sage, better when it’s the freshest rubbed, as from Marty’s goatee, especially when he’s at the mike railing at Gil

2 cups cubed cooked turkey

2 cups cubed fully cooked ham, freshly shot from Gil at a slaughterhouse because he’s too lazy to hunt in the woods with Coach Shaw

2 cups shredded Bucket Part-Skim Part-Spiked Mozzarella Cheese

1/4 cup crushed Ritz Crackers (depending on number in line at picnic)

 

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cook macaroni as per Bucket signage by the freezer door.

Meanwhile, whisk together soup, milk, Parmesan cheese, mustard, and seasonings, careful not to let Marty’s goatee hairs slip into concoction.

Drain macaroni in the sewer extension located in the back parking lot of The Bucket; add macaroni to the soup goulash and toss to combine. Mimi’s Hamilton Beach Smoothie Blender would be divine but use your better judgment. Transfer to a greased 13 x 9-inch baking dish or 8 greased 8-ounce ramekins. Do not use Gil’s surf board, even if it’s been greased. Said cooking ware will not fit in oven and has been farted upon one too many times and would ruin the flavor of the dish. Sprinkle with crackers

Bake for 25-30 minutes, until bubbly or Bucket label from cheese disappears. Serves a football team of 120, give or take Marjie Ducey. Tell Marjie that while she’s sitting on her derriere eating the equivalent of the football team’s appetite to look up the word “ramekin”.

 

Gang, It’s all yours. I love pep rallies, having been a high school booster for ages but I’m stayin’ away from Gil. That look in his eye, I dunno…

 

HEEEEEEERTRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEE’SSSSSSSSSSSS JOHNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, shut the door. Stop worrying, I’m heading down the hallway to the studio now. I promise nothing but positive things about the team. Nothing about your hair or eyes.”

 

August 28, 2019

Lazy Summer Into Lazy Fall

Filed under: football, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp — teenchy @ 8:01 am

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As the dog days of summer wind down, it’s hard to avoid feeling lazy.  That goes for me as well and, apparently, it goes for Neal Rubin too.

Gil dodging Marty’s bullet with a snarky retort? Lazy. Marty airing the snarky retort unedited? Lazy. Gil and Mimi having a laugh at Marty’s expense? Lazy. (Carefully placing a lemon wedge on the rim of your Long Island Iced Tea? Not lazy.) A middle-aged Milford man living vicariously through the sports successes of his child? Lazy.

This time it looks like that kid might be Jaxon Kiser. Maybe Darby finally gave up and put him up for adoption. His new dad gave him the more mundane name “Charlie” but, recognizing his birth mom’s athletic prowess, has pinned his hopes on the kid.

August 1, 2019

Are You Sure They’ll Vote Me A Full Member At Putt Putt? Because Hadley Was Accepted Unanimously.

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…who went to the March Hare who was having trouble with his hip rotation no matter how much Alice insisted he should swing his hips before full extension of his arms who ran over the Mad Hatter when Tiki caught the bomb at the 10-yard line and the Mad Hatter got called “Toast” cuz he wuz always gettin’ burnt at Free Safety who was going to The Queen to get her to sign a deposition and when Tiki moved into her personal toilet, she exclaimed “Off with his head!!!!!!!!” who saw Gil teach Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum how to putt who went to The Bucket afterwards for a beer after The Queen finally force the Milford Beverage Commission to relent after threatening to send the Royal Guard to the board members’ houses and sodomize their children who said to Gil after spilled a Bucket Strawberry Shake on The Queen “Off with his head!!!!!!!!” who…

Gang, are you as confused as I am trying to keep up with all these plots this summer? The golf plot last year was asinine and stupid but we at least stayed the course, pursuing to the bitter end 3 bozos disguised as Greg, Peter, and Bobby trying to put it to our heroes by faking their scores to Tiger Woods-Jack Nicklaus proportions only to predictably get their comeuppance in the end. C’mon, does anyone think any different? Yeah, a scout saw the leaderboard, called an agent and those bozos were at Augusta the next year with Sam Snead and Arnold Palmer.

But again, we were single-minded in our farcical pursuit of the truth. This year, if you’re not careful, Tiki will lose his man again and trip in the little pool where Hadley Venom is forced to take a drop and try to keep her par at the Drawbridge segment at Milford Mini-Links. Hey, Miniature Golf is a challenge. She needs to challenge her mind to keep it sharp when she has to go over to Mrs. Kravits’ house to inform her that she is wanted as a witness when Tiki is moving in with Samantha and Darren.

Be that as it may, no sense in beating this in the ground and losing our way in the final analysis, you whippersnappers are going to have to bear my love for Black Sabbath with a CLASSIC, Volume 4 the name of the CLASSIC, and a CLASSIC tune off that album, “Wheels of Confusion”. Ozzy, Tony, Geezer, Bill, it’s all yours

 

A month ago I wandered through this plot

On the field or shanking on the golf course

Lost in depostions with no fear

Touch football and torts were all I knew

 

It was an illusion

 

“…there’s a killer on the road,

His brain is squirmin’ like a toad…”

Oh, it’s just Gil driving the golf cart, Jaquan ridin’ shotgun. My Doors moment has come and gone.

 

And to be fair, I think it’s wonderful that Jaquan can be accepted with an overwhelming show of support.

That wasn’t the case many years ago when blacks were subjugated to abuse and second-class status and just flat-out banned from the golf courses all over the country. And in the ’70’s, a time when I was in my teens, you’d think that people would know better.

But a black man named Frazier Vance was golfing at a golf course in Madisonville, Kentucky and was with a foursome enjoying themselves when a couple of golf officials came up to Vance and said

“Get off the golf course.”

And of course, Vance asked in consternation “Why?”

“Because you’re black.”

Naturally, the golf course covered for these 2 roaches by saying to the effect that Vance didn’t have his stage pass. Shame on the people who tolerated this kind of behavior and tried to rationalize it later on.

Frazier Vance, ya done good for the community, My Friend. You taught a lot of people, black and white, the game of golf, your one true passion and love. You made them better people as a result. You did not deserve this. Rest In Peace.

I just love this parade of Blob and his family members in P1. Yup, when they’re not devouring half the populace of Milford, they’re out on the back nine for a relaxing round. Just don’t dip that shoulder, Mrs. Blob, when you’re teeing off. It probably explains why you’re smackin’ everything to the right.

And upon closer inspection, those are GOLF bags and GOLF clubs in the back of Gil’s golf cart. Not the Diet Coke and Mountain Dew canisters I originally conjectured. What Fanta Strawberry Surprize canister has a putter sticking out of its spout? Might help to get another appointment at Milford Optical. And that’s Blob Jr. at the Hot Wheels steering wheel about to approach #8 to tee off. I think we got this all sorted out. Whew!

“…who told the Lobster and the Mock Turtle that they had to get their physical turned in if they wanted to play flag football this year cuz The Queen challenged Gil and Mimi to a match of croquet and when Gil nailed his Titleist on The Queen’s bocce ball and sent it through the wickets and landed on The Bucket’s juke box and it started playing Red Sovine’s Hit Parade, The Queen exclaimed “Off with his head!!!!!!” who went with Hadley Virtueless and the Ace of Spades to Milford High School and told Ms. Rizk that she’d have to go to court and appear before Judge Judy if she wanted to recover her typewriter and not pound on the Dormouse’s buttocks for an editorial who…”

P2-“…the 35 and 3/8 members were so impressed with your singing “The Lobster Quadrille”, especially when you were shoutin’ above the back-up band, Uriah Heep, that they want you to join Fish-Footman, The Knave of Hearts, and Member-Guest as a foursome in the Milford City Tournament next week. With a generous handicap and a few tips to The Cheshire Cat from yours truly, you oughta be a cinch to win. How ’bout it?”

I’d be thinkin’ hard on that one too. Member-Guest blew a couple of putts down the stretch last year and if he can’t survive the pressure, I’d be like Jaquan and go for Willie Mays. He’ll hit it long anyway. And did you see The Catch on the fairway on #5 last year? That just clinches it. Mays is in.

Soon the golf balls changed to ugly pigskins

Figuring out just didn’t come so easy

Gil was more than fairy tales and tap-ins

Dog-Leg Left was just another word

It was an illusion

If ya gotta put a ton of tape around yore flamingo cuz ya got a swingin’ bunt the last time up at the plate in the Major Modified Industrial Men’s League Thursday Night Blue Dot softball at Milford Sports Park but ya don’t wanna git called out fer an altered bat cuz ya crammed sum steel fillers ta cause the poor flamingo ta poop on home plate and piss off the umpire cuz he’s gotta brush the damn stuff off, ya might be a redneck.

“…who asked Gil if he could borrow his Grecian Formula because it wasn’t doing him any good, judging by P2 and Bill the Lizard needed it for those 2 hairs sticking out of his bald head and his fiance said that goatee was enough to make a dog laugh, or so she learned from Elviney and Loweezy  at the gossip fence and that Jaquan and Snuffy Smith needed to use Grecian Formula on their scuzz if they weren’t going to shave it off with a Poulan and Marty Moon needed some Quaker State 10W-40 for his own facial hair if he was going to get romantically involved with Peaches again and go to Milford Men’s Clinic to take care of that croquet stick in his crotch who said that Shermy and Schroeder and the Cheshire Cat said Lucy needed to quit saying that Gil and Linus are wienies…

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Wins Sudden Death At Milford Country Club, Takes City Tournament Title!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“When Member-Guest said something about my mother on #17, Man, that just fired me up.”

And glory be, HADLEY VICTORIA NATIONAL CAN GOLF!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just what we need, another plot to add to the fire. Thorpiverse, I hate to break it to you but if you’re going to mastermind the M.A.S.H. format that worked well for that show, i.e., 2-3 mini-plots interweaving in the span of half an hour and ingeniously bringing closure by the time the closing theme rolled around, you only have ONE MONTH until September before the football plot arises from the dead. You can’t just push the season back and try to shoehorn Jaquan’s mammoth drives on the fairway and Hadley Venom’s putting on the steps leading into the Milford Municipal Court and sign depositions and contracts to have Gil dumped behind Milford Beverage Warehouse and Tiki able to attend Algebra II at Milford simultaneously and Tiki needing lessons from Heather on how to cover a Pop Warner League player on a slant and Mr. Baxendale needing Hayley’s M-O because the prescription at Milford Apothecary ran out when he was gorging in Spaghetti-O’s while lecturing his daughter to marry Robert Brady and be done with it because there were already kids and if she was going to be an on-the-go lawyer, Alice could take care of the kids at soccer practice and still be able to do the laundry. Did I leave out anything?

One month? Lotsa luck.

So we found that there’s too many games

And we know there’s never been a winner

We’ve tried so hard, the summer’s been a loser

Golf carts still be driving once August exits

This plot’s an illusion

And we can safely say without fear of contradiction that after going back and forth between and P1 and P3 and performing the same for several minutes that the people in the golf cart behind Gil and Jaquan are NOT the Frog-Footman and his Member-Guest, let alone a dozen of them, but Mimi and Hadley V. presumably in their own conversation.

“Hell, yeah, if you can shoot through the drawbridge like that and putt like Tiger, you oughta give up your law career and make a career out of Milford Mini-Links.”

“I still need to talk with Jaquan about it first. BTW, you got $15 dollars? There’s the Pepsi Man over by the tree.”

And what is the purpose of Jaquan’s putter overlapping onto the website in general? Did it ever occur to Thorpiverse to move both gentlemen caught up in a tender moment 2 feet over? We KNOW that that is a putter Jaquan has on his person, it is not necessary to be concerned that the audience might think it’s a cattle prod. Move them doggies on the greens, makes sense to me. It’d work better than Hadley Venom’s crooked cattle prod that she’s using to sink her putt and get a birdie when she’s not sticking Elsie the Cow back in the pen. Nice shorts, Mimi, incidentally. Tres chic.

“…and the White Rabbit shouted to Hadley Vacuum Cleaner “I’m late!!!!!!! I have a golf match with Mimi and The Queen!!!!!!!!” as the White Rabbit scurried  to Milford Dollar General to buy a matching outfit just like Mimi’s in P3 who saw Coach Kaz talk to the Dodo who suggested a Caucus Race where Tiki could run the plot in circles and there would never be a winner and he would get dizzy and feel like Marty Moon at Milford Lounge during Onion Rings and Bud Lite Happy Hour who saw Peaches wear Mimi’s golf shorts and they were several sizes too small so she told the Merlin the Magician to transform them into a more comfortable size even though Merlin the Magician came from another story but what else is new when you’re trying to figure out this plot you might as well be trying to figure out The Queen’s croquet swing who told Caterpillar to quit stealing Bobby Howry’s hookah he could smoke his own Bel-Airs thank you very much who told Paul Harvey…”

“And Hadley V. sinks another one!!!!!!! The woman’s en fuego today. We need to take a break before she tees off again. You’re listening to WDIG radio, a division of Lear Field Sports. This is Marty Moon and we’ll be right back.”

“Hello, this is Dr. Pearl speaking for Milford Funeral Solutions. Did your pet just recently die? Have you ever thought about pet cremation?

I know when a few of my hamsters died at our hatchery at Pearl’s Incubating Industries that we needed to get peace of mind and none too soon. Dumping them in the trash can along with that bad Banquet Frozen Dinner Turkey Tenders and Mashed Potatoes would have been inhumane and Betsy and Myrtle and Bernie and Gus were too docile and sweet without their Last Rites.

That’s when my husband and I decided to take a momentous step and talk to the good people at Milford Funeral Solutions. They gave us our choice of ministers, priest, rabbi, or licensed preacher, and the kind of service to perform, Traditional Latin Mass, 3 hymns and a homily (“Just As I Am”, “Victory in Jesus”, and “When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder”) or a more open celebration, giving the audience to relate their favorite moment with Gus or Myrtle. Sometimes a catharsis is the way out.

We were exposed to all the cremation techniques, ways that would be effective in facilitate their transition to the Walls of the New Jerusalem while transcending the Wheels of Fire. We chose the Match-Lite Fluid w/ Black Diamond Matches in Gas Oven method and we were none the wiser for it. We were even able to spread their ashes in Mudlark Lake as a special touch. Believe me, when I saw Bernie’s remains being dropped from the rowboat into the deepest part of Mudlark Lake, I had to hold back the tears.

Why go anywhere else to have your Lassie or Mr. Ed sent through trial-by-fire? Many funeral homes don’t guarantee their work and when you’re left with Mr. Ed’s head after the rest of his ashes is in Milford Holiday Inn’s swimming pool, it’s a long trip home. The undertaker had to remove the spare tire to get to his head. And when I was a sophomore in high school, I remember reading where Chester A. Arthur’s horse wound up at Milford Glue Factory and not as an employee.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today and let them take Rin Tin Tin to the Pearly Gates in one piece. Pet cremation never had it so good.

All right, Gang, it’s your turn. Just remember, Alice took the Milford & Oakwood to The Queen’s garden and ran over her petunias which caused The Queen to exclaim “Off With Gil’s Head!!!!!!!!!!” and Coach Shaw went hunting with his sawed-off Flamingo with the rest of the playing cards…

Lost in this Plot of Confusion

Bawling my eyes out with tears

I’m full of angry delusion

Hiding in Gil’s Belvedere…

July 13, 2019

Guess Who’s Thorping to Dinner

gt07132019

I kept wanting to drop the Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner reference in the past but I was really trying to shoehorn it into a plot. This week probably has been the most appropriate time to do it to date, what with Ed Asner V. Baxendale putting potential son-in-law Jaquan through the wringer. Granted Ed’s wringer is as dated as the one grandma had on the washing machine on her back porch, but having gotten a hand stuck in one of those once I can attest that they can do some damage.

Speaking of damage, check out Hadley going all Malory Archer on that glass of wine at Ricozzi’s. Girl’s got some pent-up hostility working there. Don’t check her out as much as Mimi’s checking out Jaquan, though. That would be awkward. Hadley manages to steer the chat toward something Gil’s more comfortable with… sportsball. Here comes the pivot to the tale of Tiki Jansen – the one we’ve all sussed out will be about Hadley doin’ some fierce lawyerin’ to get the Jansens into Trey Davis’ house, open a satellite office of her firm in Milford, and convince the Memphis Grizzlies New Orleans Pelicans Charlotte Hornets team Jaquan plays for to move there as well.

Summer’s in full swing here. Break out your beverage of choice, sit back, relax and see how this all falls out.

Added the Ricozzi’s Pizza tag, will apply it retroactively as time permits.

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