And its a reasonable fascimile of Marjie Ducey, but not quite as hot, announcing that it was Marty Moon, happening to be walking behind said non-hottie, helping to not advance the plot. You know how far 50 steps behind you is? I work in a pretty big office, and if I took 50 steps from my desk I’d be either outside, or in the dark corner of the PO section. So how the hell she even noticed the dude is beyond me.
And we have Mimi flaunting her fear of Moon possibly walking in on the girls wine party with some freak hand action. None of which advances the plot. So I’m done. Good night folks.
By the way, one of my childhood idols passed away yesterday. The Monkees are now down to 2– good thing I saw them perform in Merrilville a few years ago while they still had each other. It never bothered me that they werent considered a real band. Here’s a tribute to Peter Tork.
Didn’t the Mudlark Girls Basketball season just whiz on by? I know they only play five games but I couldn’t even go to the fridge for a Grape Nehi, I might miss something. Isn’t Mudlark Girls Basketball Camp just right around the corner? Oh, there’s softball. No problem. Once the homer umpires are lined up, the 6-game season, grueling though it sometimes is, oughta be done before you can say Daffy Duck.
And I’m connecting a lot of dots here. Mimi “No Games” Thorp is overloadin’ on the Hills Brothers to conceal her true colors, i.e., she checked in last week at Milford Detox Center because the bottle was getting the better of her. We know, Mimi, a 5-game season can stretch your mental health and the dam just broke. Go party ’til it’s 2099 (we already passed 1999) and don’t worry about Gil. He has plenty of Reader’s Digest Condensed Books to keep him busy. We at least we know what he’s been doing when the coaching was ebbing in his life. Oh, also, when the Cocoa Puffs bird’s wife was in the hospital because she was going through labor pains (Well, SOMEBODY’S got to take Mr. Cocoa Puff’s bird’s place when he retires; why not his son/daughter?) , Gil filled in on a dime. He might be bouncing off the wall in the office after all the Cocoa Puffs he ate after enduring several commercial shoots but Kaz can cart in a dolly full of bananas from the cafeteria. Anyway, next time you see a psycho with a Joe Friday precipice advertising Lucky Charms or Cocoa Puffs, assume Lucky the Leprechaun and Koko the Cuckoo took a personal day and Gil had a bye week.
Oh yes, it’s Ladies’ Night
And she dumped Gil tonight
Oh yes, it’s Ladies’ Night
She’s drinkin’ Sprite
As part of Black History Month, Kool & The Gang, a group I deeply respect and admire, will be helping me today to scorch Mimi, who evidently has a lot of time on her hands and a lot of money if she’s spending MORE time at Darney’s Pub than in the gym, teaching her girls how to shoot free throws. At least get Gil’s lazy ass off the concrete slabs he was sitting on and let him be a proxy coach. He might see an epiphany along the way and the girls out-free throw the opposition, if they don’t learn any plays. Heck, I bet they don’t even know how to DRIBBLE or PLAY DEFENSE, Mimi’s been a slum landlord. But with Gil leading the way to teach them that there is no one guarding you and pummel the opposition without grasping the Give-and-Go? It can happen.
We might as leap over Girl’s Basketball, it was a speed bump anyway. Honestly, has ANYONE seen the girls play this season? I will croak if they have Midnight Madness. How can you have Senior Night? Where would you hold it since it’d be silly to stage the event in a venue that wasn’t used by the girls at all, save for Girls P.E., and I’m not even holding my breath on THAT one. It’s kind of unique to have varsity letter winners in a sport they had zero participation in. We’ll get ’em next year. At least the Cubs showed up when they said the same thing.
And while Gil is getting tendinitis of the gluteus maximus while reaching the 1000th page of “War and Peace”, Mimi is engrossed in Peggy Sue’s culinary habits (“Peggy Sue/I love you/But cover your mouth when you chew/O Peggy, My Peggy Sueeeeeeee…”) at a dive started by Barney Fife from the money he saved from the Mayberry R.P.D. Retirement Fund (C’mon, you know Barney the Dinosaur couldn’t have had a hand in this-serving Gerst to the kids?-“WOW, that stuff’s too strong to be a Yoo Hoo!!!!!!! And you don’t need a chaser for Grape Kool-Aid!!!!!!!!!!!!” “Barney, you look funny with foam on your mouth”, all the kids giggling and snickering from Sideshow Bob’s remark) .
That’s right, Mimi. You’re so preoccupied with losses from graduation next year, not to mention Peggy Sue’s slurping Heinz Ketchup from the Nacho Fries Barney imported from Taco Bell that you hardly noticed that bowl of Cream of Wheat onthe table and the upside-down bottle of Cutty Sark you wash it down with. Yeah, I’ll admit Denny’s ketchup packets are not priority for me when eating nachos but it’s not like you’re at Dairy Queen and Peggy Sue is pouring horse radish on a Peanut Buster Parfait.
“Well, I love you, gal/And your choices make me puke…” , Buddy Holly ready to rip into another riff
And I’ll give the benefit of the doubt that that’s a “B” in the window, lopped off cleanly by the panel edge. Also, Freddy Mercury, after he cut his hair, is in the background serving more Cream of Wheat and Dunkin’ Donut & Bar-B-Q Chicken Surprise to that lady with a clinical case of harelip. Or maybe she stapled her mouth shut so she wouldn’t overdo it on the Quaker Oats Cinnamon and Schlitz.
Digging into peach ‘n’ plum quiche
Wash it down with something nouveau-riche
Leave Gil without a leash
To watch the kids
Oh yes, it’s Children’s Night
And Gil’s not even in sight
Oh yes, it’s Children’s Night
And that’s a fright
Thanks, Kool, again. Love your music. You were always yourself and that will ALWAYS sell.
And whattya know, Yakov Smirnoff just came in, ready to indulge in the upcoming Quaker-Oats-and-Vodka Fellowship, sponsored by Milford International Ministries, to warn Mimi:
“In America, you can always find Peggy Sue’s party and Barney Fife’s watering hole. But in Russia, the party finds you and they dump Fife in Siberia down a hole somewhere.”
Thanks to the mysterious Sarcastic Jack for help with the last comedy idea and bringing his oregano to Barney’s Pub
Which reminds me
Because I’ma little perturbed that a group of kids were suspended for having a bag of oregano, a harmless spice, in their possession at school, including one who just had it for 30 seconds, passing it from one student to another, ALL BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE marijuana (Common sense, School Board, next thing you know, I’ll get arrested for possession of Coffee-Mate in my Wal-Mart shopping bag under the passenger seat because it looks like cocaine)
Dr. Pearl, still hung over from heartburn from her Meat Loaf ‘n’ Grits and Ale, looks up from her table at Fife’s Fine Pub and Dining and notices Mimi and her girlie girls with a Glad bag of Cream of Wheat, Reduced Fat, Gluten-free, Zero Calorie, Low Microwave AND a bag of oregano.
]Gulping a quick pair of tums she snatched out of beehive and summoning Friday and Gannon in the next booth, still plunging their sporks into Baked Chicken Alfredo & Pommes Frites, dipped in Marinara Sauce and sprinkled with bits of Lucky Charms, while sating their thirst with Canada Dry Ginger Ale (can’t drink on the job) Mimi and the rest of the Go-Go’s are surrounded.
“Awwwwright, police officers!!!!!!!!!! Get your hands up where we can see them!!!!!!! And take off that Barney Rubble mask, Peggy Sue!!!!!!! You’re at the wrong Barney’s!!!!!!!! I’ll let that slide THIS time!!!!!!!!”
Mimi is perplexed
“What’s the charge?” Writ of Habeas Corpus never was so enthralling.
‘Violation of Milford Penal Code 219, Section 82, Article V, Clause 13, “Possession of imitation controlled substances with intent to sell and traffic to the public, such as an eating establishment!!!!!!!! You ladies get your kicks off of taking some kid’s lunch money so he can snort some couscous??????”
“Mr. Friday, I’ve always watched your show and the lessons I’ve learned from them, such as how to fend off a prowler with a Mr. Coffee appliance-”
“Mimi, you’re in trouble this time. I knew something was wrong when you ditched the season. I always wondered why you disappeared after a TV time-out. Now I KNOW. You were free-basing parsley.”
“I was going to add this Cream of Wheat Sourdough Blend to this pile of nachos. The Dijon mustard was too spicy and giving me the runs. I thought I’d neutralize the recipe.”
“That’s what they all say. But I’m bettin’ Gannon’s Lions Club lapel on his tweed jacket you’ll be draggin’ on cilantro next. Couldn’t handle the hard stuff??? Peppermint too strong for your nose??? Book ’em, Dan-O.”
“Isn’t that Hawaii Five-O?”
“I’ll write the script around here, Mrs. Jalapeno Pepper addict, thank you. Check their purses for ketchup stains. I understand they were peddling Frisch’s Big Boy Burgers w/ Nutrasweet on the black market. That’s a powder only Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds could love.”
“And Mimi, next time you have your girls going door-to-door selling Earl Grey herbal tea leaves rather than World’s Finest Chocolate to raise money for the team, PLAY THE DAMN SEASON!!!!!!!!!!”
“Watch your language, Ma’am. Fife got religion at a Billy Graham Crusade last month at the Milford Convention Hall.”
“Sorry, Joe.”
Rum and cheese lady
Drunk with rabies
Unsophisticated Mimi
Come on, you without a team
Drink like there’s no referees, yeah
Oh yes, it’s Ladies’ Night
And B-Ball’s not in sight
Oh yes, it’s Ladies’ Night
That really bites
And based on P2 and the above lyrics, you KNOW I have another Milford Beverage Warehouse commercial up my sleeve. Stay tuned. In the meantime, enjoy, I say, enjoy the funny Mimi uttered while imbibing her (maybe) umpteenth glass of Martini & Rossi.
Shout-out goes to Craig Holt of Louisville, Kentucky, who today helped many ladies get their seat belts on while riding the bus. That’s what I like about Craig. He’s always at the ready to help ANYBODY who is in need. There is not a negative nor a phony bone in that man’s body. Factor in that he always comes to work READY TO WORK and does so with a smile shows you how America is the better with people like him. He is always so giving and his smile is contagious. I salute you, Craig. America needs you.
Then there’s P3. Gang, didn’t I just get done with Monsters in Milford? Evidently not, given the flying saucers buzzing around the room. Oh, those are LIGHTS. Or maybe Spielberg went the B movie route and is filming on location “Attack of the Amazon Bumblebees”. But since we’re trapped in a hopeless plot, we might as well take roll call and include Annette to the roll call of Mouseketeers. She was just running late from her non-basketball game. It went into overtime. Surely Ms. Latecomer isn’t referring to Booby. Man, he’s tried many hats but Mouseketeer is one he needs to leave in his locker or back on the shelf he hocked it from at Milford Novelty & Gifts.
Today’s Black History Month entry is one you’ve already heard of but I want to include him here because I’m angry that his whole career wasn’t publicized. I’m talking about Scott Joplin, yes, the one who wrote “Maple Leaf Rag”. And he was indeed VERY instrumental in Ragtime music, “The Sting” promulgating his music throughout the movie. BUT Joplin was a think-outside-the-box kind of person, much to the chagrin of his publishers. They said that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, but Joplin was too brilliant to be confined to a single genre of music. He had envisioned for years to write an opera score, and understanding that the readership might not take to opera so keenly (understandable) , STILL, he wrote arguably one of the Top 50 operas of all time, “Treemonisha”. The plot was based upon a girl, Treemonisha, who wanted only things to get better after the Civil War had ended. Initially, it was not popular, as people were tired of war and the opera was written during that period of burn-out but caught hold as the ravages of war faded and people began to give a listen. Joplin succeeded in rising out of a rut that was only getting more hopeless and lived to tell about it. Please join me in saluting Mr. Joplin who teaches us all that those that say they can are absolutely right.
“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, get a T.O., Auguistus Caesar, the Centurions are runnin’ Lions back in their cages!!!!!!!!!! I’m smellin’ a run, Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“And that is what Coach Augustus is doing. Time out on the floor, with the score, 39 dead Lions and 34 dead Centurions.’
“Ladies, lookin’ for a place to go to get away from your hubby? Well, Friday Night at Milford Beverage Warehouse is Ladies’ Night and if you’re a woman, you’ll receive half off on all your favorite liquors. Hi, Mimi Thorp here, taking over for Gil who’s on assignment, tucking the kids in bed. That’s right, leave your attitude, the kiddies, and your wife-beater at the door because the Warehouse is gonna party in style. This Beer Bacchanalian Feast is gonna have all your liquors all over the Warehouse with a live DJ spinnin’ the records while you dance and drink. Man, it’s nice not having Gil around pestering me about the kids while I get it on to ‘Disco Duck’ while sipping on some Maker’s Mark. And you shoulda seen Mrs. Kaz doin’ the Travolta, including splits while all the spotlights from the Milford Shop Class were gleaming brilliantly on her while she was drunk with the spirit and some Heineken Dark Malt. AND SHE DIDN’T SPILL A DROP!!!!!!!!! Hard to do when ‘YMCA’ is playing. And if slow-dancing to ‘Sail On’ by The Commodores with a Clos du Bois Chardonnay in your hand is your thing, the DJ has that on his set list too. Just don’t slow dance with someone like Dr. Pearl if you don’t want the gossip mill to spread all over Milford. What’s at the Warehouse stays at the Warehouse.
Anyway, come thirsty and happy and wearing a bra, as all bare-chested specimens will be assumed to be a man, this Friday Night and melt your Blues away. After all, Milford Beverage Warehouse is an Equal Opportunity Liquor Distributor. Come this Friday and get drunk on ‘From each according to her ability, to each according to her need.’ Groucho Marx couldn’t have said it any better. See you Friday.”
Gang, comment away. I’ll be in the corner, trying their Cream of Wheat Key Lime Nacho Chips. As long as I watch my sodium, I oughta be OK.
So if Yakov Smirnoff brings his imitation controlled substance to Fazoli’s, I’m assuming he can still order. I don’t think the KGB cases Italian food joints in Milford. Yet.
“Okay, kiddies, let’s sample this Bugs Bunny cup. Mmmmmm, I think it’s a Bud Lite. Do you boys and girls agree?”
P1: Neither show nor tell is an interesting narrative choice regarding the conversation between B/Robby and WDIG’s resident LBJ impersonator. What is it with this guy and his pockets? Regardless, he should stick with the jacket, as it looks like he crumpled up his tie and ran it through a mangle.
P2: Saying that you work cheap is one of the absolute worst ways one could possibly close out any sort of career/employment discussion. What’s more, I’d like to know how Bobby could afford to work cheap when he’s paying for billboard advertising on the main thoroughfare in and out of town…
P3: We leave those questions aside as today’s so called action concludes with Mimi pouring herself a cup of joe in her personalized mug while Gil awkwardly sits on the world’s most uncomfortable sofa, pretending to read a book. His demonstrable and complete disinterest in Mimi’s day to day is almost symbolic of the strip’s own disinterest in the Lady Mudlarks.
First panel Gil announces he followed (stalked) Mike home; well I guess Mike knew about it so it wasnt stalking but still… and Mike s depression is now out in the open, after we farted away half the hoops season trying to figure out what was wrong, AND WE STILL DONT KNOW WHATS CAUSING THE DEPRESSION!!
By the way, nice pepperoni pizza in P1. even though I dont like it (Im a cheese and sausage guy).
And hey, maybe a road game as a reward!? These guys play games less often then the Bears kicker missed field goals. ( 5 games, 7 missed kicks if your keeping score)
So Filion gets to play but the 4 guys who were in on the Fire Gil cover-up (no pun intended) get to sit. As if they havent done enough sitting already. The federal government is busier then the Mudlarks, and they were on shutdown til Trump told them to go back for 3 weeks.
Theyve played 5 games since December 21. FIVE. 2 in December, both losses. Then Bobby Howry put up the billboard. Then they played 3 games in January. They lost all 3.
0-5 after 7 weeks of action. If Milford was a strip club theyd file for bankruptcy.
Filion was slipping in the classroom on January 4. 34 days ago. And it took this long to get counseling. I’d have sent him on January 6, and resumed playing 2 games a week like every other freakin school. By now he’d be back to normal and contributing on a team tuning up for the playdowns. Guess what — my state has its final regular season games this weekend. And these dopes have laced it up 5 times. Whoopee.
We still have the Howry issue to deal with, but its not looking like Filion is in on it like I predicted. And will Milford go winless and can Thorp as Howry wants?? Some of us are saying — Be my guest!
By the way, the groundhog predicted 6 more weeks of bad Milford basketball. His shadow was blocked —- by the billboard.
Christmas, gang, Is. Just. Another. Paid. Holiday. When Season’s Greetings from Thorpiverse is not on tap. Vaganova and I have witnessed decades of non-stop action (let me rephrase that) , mainly basketball (Mudlarkland has yet to participate in hockey, curling, or figure skating to this point-Peggy Fleming graduated from Jefferson, according its yearbook) , on normally the 1st 2 panels, only to stop-in-the-name-of-Santa-or-whoever-you-worship in P3 where Gil looks to the camera and wishes everybody Happy Holidays. Breaking the Fourth Estate never executed any better.
No other comic strip can duplicate a Mudlark blowing a dunk and Gil cussing him out in 7 languages, then pose with Mimi and the kids in front of an unknown fireplace (Milford Moose Lodge was the rumor, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade host’s fireplace, the host being Peter Graves as of this writing, had been claimed) , wishing Merry Christmas to all his fans and friends. One year, Gil tried to get Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang to appear on the set and shout “Merry Christmas, Charles and Gil!!!!!!!!!”, singing just like in the CB Special “Hark, The Herald Angel Sing”, to round out Charlie Brown AND Gil for a double dip of Christmas excitement, I mean, really, Charlie Brown directing the Christmas pageant featured more action than Gil’s football teams this year. Unfortunately, negotiations stalled with the chief negotiators, Schroeder, Shermy, and Peppermint Patty when they insisted that he’s CHARLIE Brown and not CHARLES Brown. Marty said No Way, Jose, or CHARLES in this case so Gil wound up going on a solo flight this year. Perhaps one year Gil will pose with Loweezy, Snuffy Smith, Tater, Jughaid, Elviney, and Caleb in a group portrait with Santa and his reindeer but that’s another rumor.
And does Marnaduke offer in P1 the thrills and chills of the Celtics-Lakers Finals, Larry Bird trying to go baseline on Magic, or vice versa, with Chick Hearn or Johnny Most proclaiming the Battle of the Titans as Larry or Magic engineers a 180 dunk? Does Pluggers? Ziggy? Please.
Nothing like Kirk Gibson in the ’88 Series, in his only at-bat, BTW, belting that home run off a stunned Dennis Eckersley to the accompaniment of “One Moment in Time” in P1. Then the bottom falls out and you feel like that poor schmuck in “A View to a Kill” being dropped from the zeppelin when P3 suddenly changes the complexion of the strip to “Andy William’s Singaround in Downtown Branson”.
And if you’re beggin’ for another angle after you’ve checked to see if your GAF Viewmaster and the plethora of reels, namely “Gil Thorp Confronts the Mighty Arapahoes at Dinosaur Monument and Challenges Them to a 3-on-3, Call-Your-Own-Fouls Tournament”, has turned up in your stocking, look no further than Don Fischer.
At the 1987 College Basketball Finals against Syracuse, Jerry Pulver to Rodney Filion, aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Don does it better.
“Pulver in trouble, throws a cross-court pass to Filion. Filion eyes Aardvark down low and sends him a bounce pass. 10 seconds to go on the clock. Aardvark is covered and kicks it out to Keith Smart. 5 seconds to go. One dribble, Smart with the shotGOOOOOOOOO-”
Time out to wish all my friends and fans a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year”, Mimi in the background, like a proud mama, showing off her pumpkin pie that beat Minnie Pearl at the Milford County Fair (Minnie lost points on the price tag on her hat which fell in her rhubarb pie) , while Keri parades her Barbie & Ken Collection at Trump’s Casino and Jaime bounces vigorously his Henry “Hank” Finkel-autographed Spalding basketball.
Again, do you EVER read about this in “Cathy”? Well? Do you?
Carmichael never even heard of Hank Finkel.
Shout-out to Edward Potts who works the Valley Station, Kentucky, Meijer Gas Station. His courtesy and respect to the customers runs off on you and really brightens your day. EVERYBODY has a name to him and the clientele feed off of that. As the old saying goes, they don’t pay him enough. Edward, in your case, THEY REALLY DON’T. Treat him with respect next time you walk in there. Lots of it.
LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!! UP IN THE SKY!!!!!!!!!
IT’S A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!
IT’S A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!
IT’S SUPER STRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s right, gang, forgive me, I was used to the Sports Talk, Sports Talk, Schmaltzy Season’s Greetings format, especially in the times of Berrill. Now it’s been superceded with Sing Around The Campfire. Does Kaz know the Latin version of “In Excelsis Deo”, BTW? Is that EVEN Coach Kaz at all? Does Thorpiverse really expect us to buy into Conan The Barbarian singing “Jingle Bell Rock” with the rest of Josie and the Pussycats? And where’s The Terminator’s stud? Is this even Thorpiverse? Really, I thought we were reading Rex Morgan, M.D. for a microsecond until I saw the Dogs ‘n’ Suds in their hands and realized Dr. Morgan doesn’t eat chili dogs because it gives him congestive heart failure. So Sanka ‘n’ Suds it is. Still a bit iffy on the Thorpiverse perspective but Ovaltine ‘n’ Suds (don’t assume The Terminator is a Maxwell House Man, gang) coming from Coach Kaz’s a/k/a Conan’s cup into my own cup oughta steady the nerves.
Still say Mimi looks like one of Charlie’s Angel’s and I would forgive this slight but then WHERE ARE THE KIDS????????? AT MILFORD DAY CARE CENTER????????? Coach, when you wish to extend Season’s Greetings to your family and friends, you need to have ALL YOUR family for this Hallmark Moment. Don’t send them to Siberia, for cryin’ out loud. Yeah, right, Jaime is out with the penguins in the South Pole riding his new bicycle while Keri is at Ms. Rizk’s slumber party in the Journalism room. And I bet Daffy Duck is entertaining them with ghost stories. Keep stretching this one along, Thorpiverse. We might believe you one day.
Well, at least I was right about their renting the Milford Moose Lodge another year. No way their house is that big. Unless their garage is an airplane hangar, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.
Gang, Gene Rayburn is back for Match Game 2018, ready to deflate that mistletoe that Conan’s moll (well, do ya want me to say Al Capone’s moll? Geez, Kaz might not have his stud on cue but he wouldn’t machine-gun Gil over bad coaching) is hoisting over his head. Take ‘er away, Gene.
“Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought for a moment the Gil Thorp Christmas Composite came from the comic strip ____________.
“Oh, c’mon, I just want a kiss. C’mon, I got this mistletoe over your head for a reason. It’s not like we have to strip down and make wild love. We’re in front of a camera, silly.”
“Hey, Kaz, don’t let THAT stop you. Me and Mimi’ll go down to The Bucket for some Christmas Nog and leave you two alone.”
A Christmas Milford Men’s Clinic take to be told another time.
Big shout-out to Matthew Cloutier and the place he works for, The Cottage Inn, located in Middletown, Kentucky. A great little secret, it also has fulfilled MANY Holiday cake orders, much to my amazement, for such a small establishment. Looks like they’re competin’ with the big boys and turning a profit at he same time. Gang, if you’re in the area, stop in and check them out and see why many people find it a great place to eat out. Support Small Business, gang. You need a place where everyone knows your name. I salute you, Matt, and your wicked, sizzling sense of humor.
Day 11
Marty and Peaches are about to say goodbye for the next few days. They kiss and wish for more but a quick overview by the distaff side of the table, i.e., Marty’s limp Grand Central Station is all Peaches requires to convince her that Marty needs to get comfortably erect, courtesy of Milford Men’s Clinic or will be The Wall between them.
Marty is ready to return to the wild. He beeline to the Prehistoric Trail, the same one Eckels used in Ray Bradbury’s “A Sound of Thunder”. THIS time, Marty must stay on the path or his careless ambulatory methods could cause severe alterations to the future. Marty McFly could be Milford’s next quarterback.
He begins hiking and immediately spots a pre-historic preying mantis, licking his chops on whatever Marty has on his person. Fact is, Marty forgot to screw the lid back on his Nutella Banana Nut Spread. Too many interviews with A & E while butt naked will do that, Marty. Mr. Moon scurries away and hopes the creature won’t catch and peer down his knapsack for a sample. Hopefully, the turnip in the same compartment as the Nutella will keep the mantis away. Harry Caray kept the Tarantula back with his breath so it can happen.
Peaches takes off her Milford Outdoors Dacron Gore-Tex Bikini Underwear. She is off to visit Lotus Land. There, the Lorelei sings to trap unwary hikers to her domain. Peaches has to exercise caution because if she crashes into the rocks, she’ll be eternally trapped in Mimi’s 5-game schedule and she’ll be one of Mimi’s players. Wanna schedule UConn Women’s Basketball to up your game? Tough. Either find a way to get out of the game contract with, for example, New Thayer (bribe the athletic director, dump a heap of Ex-Lax in the pre-game meal during the Opening Prayer) or the same teams will be played as infinitum. What a punishment. It’s hard to imagine Peaches on this Wheel of birth and rebirth, take the shot, rebound, say good game to the refs at the end, line up the officials for the next. Karma on the basketball court isn’t pretty. Being punished with lay-up drills forever just adds to the suffering. But, hey, look at it this way. If all suffering is Maya, or illusion, the pre-game warm-ups oughta pass quickly. And Peaches can always think of that prom date she had in high school when she blows the easy 2 and gets castigated by Mimi on the sideline when she’s yelling “Use the backboard!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Will Peaches be forced to use her Avon Bitchin’ Berry Liquid Soap to pour in her ears to drown out the allure of The Lorelei’s calling? Will The Sirens’ cover version of Husker Du’s “Books About UFO’s” send Peaches over the edge and land her in the gator pit or on the bench besides Mimi, whichever comes first? Will Tee Hee tear out her heart with with his Chromium hand, laughing while she is McChicken Nuggets for some ravenous croc? In a moment, we’ll see if she escapes Motel Hell.”
“Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Man, Peaches is in a world of hurt. It’s a cryin’-ass shame Baron Samedi is not there to do his voodoo dance with his minions and the Milford High School Dance Corps to exorcise the demon that stole her heart, literally. And speaking of stealing, boy o boy, to quote ol’ Bud Man Harry Caray, the Warehouse has some steals for you and you don’t need signals from the 3rd base coach for these robberies. Jameson Irish Whiskey is on sale for $23.99, just what you need when you run out of Irish coffee. The teetotalers’ll never know what hit them. We have Menage a Trois Red Blend Wine, Milford Valley Select for the ridiculous price of $7.99. Yup, that’s right, grapes stomped on by some flunky and then fermented to perfection right here in your own backyard. And if you’ve read Kate L. Turabian’s Manual for Writers, and I confess I have skimmed through it while sitting my own private water closet, and if you are like me, you have no idea what pagination means. I guess you glue all the pages together, ensuring you have no Elmer’s Glue stains when you turn in your term paper. But don’t let that linch pin inhibit you from the imbibation of 19 Crimes Cabernet Sauvignon, the one Chef Boy-ar-Dee imbibated while he was cookin’ his spaghetti. He musta imbibated a bunch of these, you see so many of his cans BUT he got the liquoration for an incredible $7.99. Man, makes me hungry for his mini-ravioli. And remember, New Years Day is just around the corner. You don’t want to be imbibating Hi-C for such a festivity. Nope, keep plenty of Brut’s Champagne in storagation, either in your fridge or in your bird bath, hey, whatever yanks your crank. The point is, don’t be caught in flagellation by your guests due to a dearth of The Good Life on New Year’s Day. Leave the Kool-Aid to your kid’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Don’t take my word for it. Come in and see for yourself. There’s plenty of free parkination and if you purchase $50.00 or more of Life’s finest, Milford Beverage Warehouse will give you a free copy of William Zinsser’s “On Writing Well”. Grammar and Bud never tasted so good, er, well.
Hop on in and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”
Harry and Gil at the Milford Mall signing autographs, Gil charging $10 an autograph, Harry gratis.
“Gil, have you no shame? Harry might have downed his 11th Bud and you might smell his breath even with all the car windows up but the kids love him. How can you charge kids who have no money?”
“Listen, I said ‘…extend a greeting to all my family and friends. It’s a way to keep the strip going. Wishing everybody ‘Happy Holidays’ with an ornate wreath wrapped around your head in P3 don’t come cheap. I had to talk down $20 just on the ornaments alone. Plus, the rest goes into the Practice Facility Fund. Tired of scrimmaging in Pulver’s driveway.”
Big shout-out to Andre Goatley of Louisville, Kentucky. Despite his having to use a Walker, he sports a 135 bowling average, quite an accomplishment, indeed. The man’s philosophy is practice, practice, practice. In fact, he was going from one bowling alley to another one across town to hone his craft. Adept also in track, he has proven you can do ANYTHING once you set your mind to it. You’re right, Andre. You are living that motto every day and then some. Well done, Big Guy.
Comment away, gang. I hope everybody has a wonderful Holiday and New Year. For me, personally, let Jesus rule your life as he does mine. He has done GREAT things in my life (trust me) ; Man o Man, if only you saw what I saw. Celebrate His Birthday by making this a very memorable day with your family and friends. Whatever your religion, be safe and enjoy the rest of the year.
I am thankful for you all. Without you, I am nothing. God bless you all. You all mean the world to me.
Remember when we thought that Tiki’s sister might have had a developmental delay or other specific learning disability that would require her to attend school somewhere other than Milford’s traditional elementary (where all the fifth graders know each other)? Was it just me, or did Rubin really kind of lean into that point? I guess that was just an early glimpse into the Gordian Knot of Tiki’s relocation from New Thayer to Milford and wasn’t really intended to be explored in any depth.
We went on to focus on crappy cars, crappy apartments, tardiness and eligibility to play sports. It seems like Rubin really stepped in it on the eligibility story. The Jansen’s tried to pull a fast one, or so it appears. Kaz got to do some more of his fancy detective work, and then ultimately threatened to kill Tiki to get the truth. Then Gil pontificated about eligibility and keeping his own scrupulous adherence to the rules on point, without ever indicating that he really has a personal mastery of what the eligibility requirements are at all. Now that’s what I call Gil Being Gil.
So the heart of the story is that Tiki got mixed up with the wrong crowd at New Thayer (some nasty people) and his family orchestrated a transfer to Milford. They may have fudged a few things, but it was only out of concern for Tiki and getting him away from the bad element at New Thayer. How bad was it? Only a Gil and Mimi training montage can do justice to the depth of criminal behavior Tiki was party to! Gil and Mimi’s jogging will wash away the stain of nastiness and then we can move on, right? Right?
Tiki’s use of the word crosswise is interesting. Tiki got crosswise with the guys doing the vandalism and the burglaries. Does that mean he got involved or that he was a witness? Are we talking about some sort of witness protection situation here? C’mon Rubin.
It only dawned on me about a month late that I’ve been blogging to one extent or another on This Week in Milford for ten years. Here is my first post. Funny how time flies.
Here we go again. Over “Days of Wine and Roses” being played by the skunks, squirrels, bears, alligators (brought in by Milford Conservancy Corps last year), beetles, wasps, blue jays, finches, cardinals, chipmunks, giraffes (brought in to eat the dead poplar leaves that litter the streets of Milford which are otherwise unreachable by Milford Tree Service), possums, lizards, white-tail deer, rabbits, ducks, geese, and Bambi and Thumper in the woods beyond our well-meaning-but-slightly-misguided-duo, the plot is reloaded since we still have 7 days, counting today, to bring meaning to the golf plot before it gets the Green Jacket. I think I’d rather listen to Coach Shaw’s cover of Yes’s “Mood for a Day” at Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club. He might struggle trying his best as a Steve Howe wannabe, but it’d be more meaningful AND believable, not that that’s saying much (Sorry, Steve, been listening to your days with Yes, Asia, and your solos (LOVE ’em) for 50 years, didn’t mean to step on any toes).
Robmize is right. Like in ANY sport, if ya don’t make the cut, YA DON’T PLAY, Gil. I’ve been following my high school golf team for well over 30 years and props to them no matter where they placed if they gave their best (all you can ask), but the reality is, if we didn’t qualify they weren’t going to put us in the You’re-a-Bunch-of-Losers-But-Because-You’re-Nice-Guys-And-The-Other-Team’s-Calculator-Wasn’t-Charged-Properly-And-Therefore-Aided-in-Doctoring-The-Scores-Plus-You-Combed-Your-Hair-Back-at-The-Hotel-And-Ate-All-Your-Vegetables-at-The-Tournament-Banquet-We’re-Going-To-Slip-You-Guys-In-When-The-Tournament-Official-Takes-a-Dump-at-The-Port-o-Let-After-He-Purchases-a-$16-Diet-Pepsi-With-Nutrasweet-at-The-Concession-Stand-And-Won’t-Say-Anything-Once-It’s-Too-Late-To-Change-The-Scoreboard Division. No, Gil. We went home.
“I swear on a stack of Golf Digests that we didn’t cheat. Is there a notary around?”
“Yeah, he’s about to tee off with Marty and Jaquan.”
“Ahhhhh, never mind. I’ll just slip the Tournament Official a few Franklins. He’s 2 months behind on his Lexus payments. Why try to prove it when my wallet is stuffed?”
Recently, teenchy’s on-point title “Something Fluky This Way Comes” reminded me of the Ray Bradbury story from which it was derived “Something Wicked This Way Comes” which reminded me of the movie “Duel” where Dennis Weaver is getting chased by this (presumably)psychotic truck driver, an oil rig to be more specific. Well,
Weaver is hungrier than a bear. He sees The Bucket and stops in. Relieved that he’s not being hounded for the time being, he listens to Marty Moon on WDIG before getting out of his car to go inside. The ruling on the integrity of Mutt and Jeff can wait until after he tries the Livercheeseburger and Bucket fries.
Then he sees the tanker, parked 100 feet down the parking aisles.
Guess psychos like Triple Bucket Burgers too.
Be that as it may, Weaver walks in. He spots Coach Kaz at the 1st table going in.
“Cut it out.”
Coach Kaz looks up from drinking his hi-protein, low-carb, fat-free, vitamin-enriched, low-sodium, Nutrasweet-induced, nitrogen-loaded, egg included, chocolate and maraschino cherry shake, while his kids are finishing up their child’s plate of Bucket Crab Meat ‘n’ Tater Tots and his wife is getting nausea from stuffing her face with Bucket ‘o’ Shrimp Scampi w/Roquefort Cheese Sauce, Baked Potato w/ Bucket ‘o’ Sour Cream, extra.
“What are you talking about?”
“Yore tryin’ ta run me over and I’m-a gonna call the police if ya don’t stop”
“Sir, I’ve never seen you before. Would I risk my kids and my wife just to settle a score WHILE DRIVING IN A VEHICLE?”
“Ya mean, ya ain’t drivin’ an oil rig?”
“Where am I going to fit the kids? In the luggage box?”
Trapped, he moves on.
Grabbing the person in the next booth by the throat,
“Ya ass-wipin’ son of a bitch!!!!! Ya done killed one human being, I don’t keer what the judge sed!!!!!!!!!! Ya out to set a record????”
A teenager hurries to the rescue
“Mister, that’s his son!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Lets go of him.
Then grabs a waitress
“Awright, the game’s up!!!!!!!! Lay off the accelerator pedal out there!!!!!!! I knows ya didn’t wanna be late for work, but this is ridiculous!!!!!!!!”
“SIR!!!!!!!! I’ve got skates on!!!!!!!!”
Sees the footwear down below and sees Kaz has has seen enough and releases the car hop.
He sits down to order. He still has his coupon for 1/2-Off Tuesdays on all Bucket Biscuit Combos. The Bucket Biscuit w/ French Toast, Bucket ‘o’ Sassafras Maple Syrup extra. He’s thankful he brought his Visa card. The Bucket doesn’t accept American Express.
Gang, are you in for a treat!!!!!!! Because I feel good about continuing a trend from last week, you old-timers like yours truly remember Match Game from the early ’70’s where the host Gene Rayburn read off a passage that contained a blank in it and you had to fill in that blank with an a answer and hope that your answer matched the 6 celebrities answering the same question.
It got hilarious when the passage contained a blank that was, say, VERY suggestive and your imagination ran wild with all kinds of nasty possibilities. BTW, I thought you whippersnappers might like this one too. Answers are encouraged. Have fun with it!!!!! Without further ado, take ‘er away, Gene.
“Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW DUMB WAS SHE????), she thought that when she was cheating with The Born Losers, she could use her __________ to hide her score.”
It’s your turn, gang.
Hats off to Katie Dauenhauer and Emmali Lear. Katie works at Culver’s and Emmali works at JoAnn Fabrics, both in Louisville. Taking the bus to your job only tells me you love to work and make a difference in people’s lives. You keep America rolling, Ladies. We need more of you.
And, no, Donna Green, I didn’t forget you. You keep Thornton’s in Valley Station, Ky. going with your friendly smile and can-do attitude. Customers are a premium with you and it shows with how busy the place ALWAYS is. Gang, if you’re in the area, swing on by (the one NORTH of Gene Snyder Freeway, BTW). She deserves it. Face it, we all shop at Wal-Mart. Nothing wrong with that. But you need a place where everybody knows your name. She will. Take care of people like Donna who take care of you.
And just WHO or WHAT does Gil have in mind in this Flashback Moment when he talks about adding 6 more (steady the nerves, T. Drew. Take another sip of Hills Brothers and keep repeating “It’s only a golf plot, it’s only a golf plot…”)? I’M GUESSING Tony and Wilson are in amongst those 6 but there’s still 4 more and who would THEY be? The Four Tops? Winkin’, Blinkin’ and Nod plus their agent? Murderer’s Row? I mighta overfigured or underfigured on the last one. That’s what happens when you hang around The Pine Range Gang. You are the company you keep, our mothers always said.
“Sheriff Dillon, ain’t no way The Dalton Gang hit that many bulls-eyes at the shootin’ tournament. They musta cheated.”
“Way ahead of you. Our deputies hid behind a rock and watched ’em. They were yankin’ dynamite out of Miss Kitty’s butt and hurlin’ ’em when the judges weren’t lookin.”
“Gil, you’ve got ‘Over, Under, Sideways, Down’ listed on your entry forms. What age are they?”
Gil takes off his earphones after jamming to Yardbird “What did you say?”
If ya git recertified by Roehl Truck Lines and ya proudly display yore ‘A’ license in front of yore oil-tanker rig ya’ve bin drivin’ since Red Sovine advertised his records on K-Tel during the commercial break from the ABC Afternoon Special in one of them thar Trucker Recruitin’ Booklets in the booklet rack in front of a Pilot Truck Stop in Tennessee somewhar, ya might be a redneck.
Dennis is still munching down on his Bucket Livercheeseburger. The Bucket Biscuit w/ French Toast wasn’t enough to sate his appetite, neither was The Bucket Tortellini con Aglio e Olio, Il Formaggio Al Fresco, L’Acqua e Il Pane Contorno, Vino Blanco optional, and is about to down a Rolaids Wintergreen to keep the esophagus alive when he notices Gil leave the men’s room. Gil had just deposited a load of Buffalo Bucket o’ Chicken Fries. Our anti-hero watches him exit out the door. Gil is heading toward the oil rig. Could it be? Gil gets out his keys. Mimi catches up with him, slurping down her last drops of her plenty o’ prunes and bananas shake. They head to the door of the rig, Mimi likely to snooze in the sleeper area, then they both turn sharply right. Next thing you know, Gil pedals out with Mimi on their tandem. Gil had forgotten the bicycle lock combination and had to activate the switch on his key ring.
STILL August, teachers, coaches, staff, etc. STILL trying to make ends meet before this plot releases them from their supernumerary jobs, we read the latest review from the music critic, Jennifer Hutshall, from the Milford Enquirer, and I quote
“…Coach Shaw displayed a deftness rarely seen in modern times in M-town. Playing the unplugged version of ‘Layla’ at the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club last night brought a tear to more than one person’s eyes amidst the crowd. Even the dancers had to pass the hanky around since the paper towel dispenser was out of paper towels. The ladies performing entrechats and pas-de-deux’s to the rhythm of ‘Swan Lake’ just intensified this combo Earl Klugh-Jon McGlaughlin performer in the making. Mimi Thorp shakin’ her booty every time the lyric ‘ya got me on my knees’ was sung added a nice touch. An encore presentation is scheduled for tonight and reservations for tickets is recommended. Overflow parking in the parking lot of the Milford Toyota plant…”
Jaquan Case is leaving The Bucket, along with his trainer Are they team drivers? Weaver doesn’t dare stand in the way to find out. Jaquan has “S” knitted on his jacket. Standard Oil? Maybe the letters faded off the oil rig. They both share a laugh, toting their doggie bags of Bucket Deerburgewrs and beeline toward the rig. Case opens the door. Case is a psycho? Nope, he’s leaving a Jehovah’s Witness Watchtower tract and doing the same in all the cars in the parking lot. Then he and his buddy get in the Subway semi because they have a Texas run to make after they make their dropoff at the Milford Subway. Gotta deliver it pronto if ya wanna get it fresh. Weaver slams his table knife down in disgust and continues contracting heartburn from his Livercheeseburger. The stress is killing him. Not to mention the suspense. Shame he’s not part of the golf plot. It’d be INTERESTING. Stupid, and may run over into September (October???? No), but interesting.
Gang, comment away. This plot is ridiculously predictable but I’m telling you nothing new. And neither is the plot.
“NOW YOU LAY OFF OR I’M GONNA GIT MY SHOTGUN OUTTA THE TRUNK AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER!!!!!!!!!! YA TRIED TA RAM ME INTO THE MILFORD & OAKWOOD TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Ms. Rizk patiently looks up.
“Sir, that isn’t my oil rig in the student parking lot. I’ve been in this room, typing for 2 decades.”
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