Ease Off, Alexa, I’m Pretending To Be A Coach And The Camera’s Rolling.

He lived The Dream

 

He lived The Dream because he was The Dream. He worked and toiled to set ALL people free. And he chose to do it with love. Many leaders foment rebellion but Doctor Martin Luther King Junior was like Gandhi, if the cause was violent, neither wanted any part of it.

Please remember a man who set all men free through the gift of speech and through the ability to organize peacefully. Speaking as a Christian, I feel it is important to recognize a man who made it possible to implement what seemed impossible. And he did it with love.

On the birthday of Doctor Martin Luther King Junior, I would like to take the time to point out the grave injustices done to several African-American musicians. Because, for example, I am angered and outraged to find out Muddy Waters, one of the great Blues musicians, wound up working minimum-wage in a hardware store, I would ask the readership to please spread the word about Eric Clapton and The Rolling Stones who couldn’t do everything but did SOMETHING to address issues like this.

And for good measure, please spread the word for The Beatles, The Who, REM, U2, Duran Duran, The Police, Edgar Winter, and Johnny Winter who also did SOMETHING.

I am not asking you to buy their records. But if everybody would take the time to talk this up, SOMETHING will get accomplished. Doctor Martin Luther King Junior would have said the same thing.

Thank you for reading.

 

 

Alexa, as I recall, nobody was asking you to shoot ill-advised 3-pointers clunkers to ignite the Milford Girls Basketball offense. Hey, you’re still the Head Inmate running Mimi’s Prison & Grill but if you’ll listen CAREFULLY next time to Coach Mimi’s words (Jeez, it’s hard to utter these oxymorons) , she was essentially pointing out that as long as you and Chris Schuring are duking it out on the academic front and the athletic front (“I backed my man better than you did”) that points on your GPA should be equivalent to points on the scoreboard. I mean, she whacked you on the butt to drive home her message. Does she need to go get a 2 × 4 from Milford Hardwoods to enforce the issue?

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day

“Dr. Pearl, I’ve told her time and time again that when she’s open 2 feet under the basket to SHOOT THE DAMN BALL, not kick it out for a contested 25-footer!!!!!!!!!! And when she got an open look and went to the water fountain to go get a drink, that was the final straw. That’s traveling, Alexa.”

“Fine, Coach Thorp. Do what you have to do.”

WHACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I guess as long as there’s a witness and the paddle is made from the baobob tree and there’s no blood, no foul.

 

 

Big shout-out to Miranda Spurgeon of Louisville, Kentucky. She comes to work with presence of mind and makes good food for the customer to eat and judging by the customer business, she makes it pretty damn good. And she does it with a smile. She represents America with her focus to the task and let me tell you, that focus doesn’t get paid enough. Next time you’re in Pizza Hut on Lower Hunters Trace and Dixie Highway in Louisville, stop in and say hello to her. She’s more than earned her money and my respect.

Support Working America, Gang. They fuel America with a vengeance.

 

Gang, I know Thorpiverse likes perspective. It certainly adds fuel to the fire and spices up the plot. Naturally, applying Lawry’s Sea Salt to a dead battery isn’t going to start the vehicle anytime soon, but that’s beside the point. I just think how cool it is that the Mudlark Ladies Basketball team is being directed (?) by their fearless coach under a the roof of a gigantic Lionel Train set. If that doesn’t set historic precedent, nothing will.

And once at a Pacer game, Reggie Miller came out way early from halftime and practiced shooting 3’s, swishing every one of them. Guess what? We won on a last-second, off-balance 3 from Reggie himself. Ya llay the way ya practice.

 

Therefore, I just adore Alexa’s comments. My grandmother was a Republican, my mother was a Republican, therefore I ain’t shootin’ the rock out next to the trail official again. I got my pride, you know. Oh, we get it, Alexa, neither your grandmother nor your mother was Reggie Miller, so you ain’t about to make a fool out of yourself. If you’re going to do any kicking out when you’re wide open, you ain’t gonna do any kickin’ at the 10-second line. Sure, ya play the way ya practice. Makes sense.

Grandma made a career out of passing up easy looks to lead the team to victory. Way to take one for the team, Grandma. And the tradition continues. Successs breeds success.

 

If ya shoot squirrel with a bow cuz yore granddaddy did it with a sword he won from the Civil War and yore daddy killed ’em with a Bowie knife, both off ’em dumpin’ McCormick’s Oregano ta spice up the spoils, and ya do the same dumpin’ with McCormick’s Parsley and Sage, ya might be a redneck.

 

I remember reading a book a few years back called “Psychiatry and Ethics” that was written by a psychiatrist and professor shortly before he died. In his introductory comments, he pointed out that age was not necessarily a sign of wisdom but many times an accumulation of a lot of muddled ideas.

So when I see that Big Close-up of Mimi today, I’m not expecting Taoism to fall out of the sky.

The basketball team functions as one within you and it simply operates. Just relax and kick back-

“Coach, you got 10 seconds to get on the floor.”

We’ll contemplate the Tao on the next 20-second time out.

 

Ooooooookkkkkkkk, so let’s see what happens when Alexa ignores GilMimi logic and keeps ignoring the bucket whether she makes a beautiful backdoor cut for a bunny or gets a Patrick-Ewing-4-steps-to-the-basket runner by going back in time. Don Fischer with the call in 1987 (cold as Hell in my car while I was listening but worth it based on the result-ha) and it’s the NCAA Finals game

“Down low to Darryl Thomas. Kicks it back out to Keith Smart. Smart with the shot-OH NOOOOOOO, HE PASSES IT TO DON NOORT AND NOORT SHOOTS AT THE OTHER GOAL. SYRACUSE WINS THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Scary. Alexa, I’ll admit Gil and Mimi wouldn’t know WHAT TO DO with Don Noort, the best 12th man the Hoosiers ever had, but if you don’t want him and Magnus Pelkowski in the Starting 5 against Michigan in the 1976 Championship game, you better shoot while the passing lanes are open. Don Noort teamed up with Isaiah Thomas and Landon Turner in ’81? If you haven’t been offensive, er, a gunner before, you better shoot the J or G.J. Smith might join them. Oops, that’s Kentucky. Well, you get the concept.

And doncha just love that Mount Rushmore profile Thorpiverse attempts to project? Like George Washington was drawing up a box-and-one on Gentleman John Burgoyne when he was posing in the hills of South Dakota.

And I could swallow that portrait if she wasn’t so friggin’ clueless. Once upon a time, she was in her office calculating how lucky her team was, her pocket calculator actually displaying a winning record function.

Then she playfully whacks Alexa on the butt and that’s where Mimi went wrong. She should have gotten those Marine boots Gil had stored in the Spanish-American war chest and laid into Alexa’s derriere. Sure, it didn’t match your Izod gym suit but if you want to light a fire under Don Noort’s butt, fashion is a low priority. Shoot the damn ball on a lay-up or you’ll see more of what Jack La Laine wore at Iwo Jima. Attaway, take charge, Coach.

And I’d like to give the benefit of the doubt and say that Teddy Roosevelt in P2 has an air of confidence before besieging San Juan Hill. But I wouldn’t want to be in his unit based UPON P2. I’ll sit out this one and help the medics on the back line.

What I REALLY think Teddy, er, Mimi is communicating, based upon the facial English is “Dammit, I didn’t slap your ass and risk a lawsuit for no reason, SHOOT THE BALL (but if you pass up easy opportunities and we win by 30, that’s OK too, I get mixed up on which bucket to shoot at too, the plot forgot to tell us which end we’re shooting at so if you shoot a lay-up and make it and the opponent gets awarded the 2, you’ll know to shoot lay-ups and pass up easy bunnies on the other end. It helps to know which end where your offense is sucking.)

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Laterals To The Left Guard 2 Yards Shy Of The Goal Line, Team Loses Contest In Milford Parks & Recreation Flag Football League!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I ain’t no Jim Brown.”

 

 

And don’t that beat all. This whole ShootScandal (or maybe Bunnygate) has dragged down into girly gossip in P3. Boy, nothing like Jan and Marcia and Cindy and Don and G.J. as my starting 5. Can’t wait for the Rotisserie League to start. They’ll shoot the ball anyway. Didn’t say where.

Yeah, while Alexa needs to be reminded by Coach Norman Dale, because Mimi’s profile is still hardening next to Abe Lincoln, that the basket is still 15 feet from the free throw line and that tall people have been known to shoot in that area or thereabouts, the plot has been temporarily (fingers crossed) sidetracked, resembling a chapter out a Louisa May Alcott novel

Jan was shy and was quite unclear where her heart should be, let alone the ball. Marcia’s acquaintance, Gilshire Bunnygate, Esq., had attained a reputation for beguiling the fortunes of her demeanor and therefore encouraged Cindy to pursue an alternate course to the baseline. G.J. and Don, two lackeys who brought the brougham to the estate, exhibited an uncharacteristic altruism by sacrificing the prize for the greater good. The game was won quite handily.

I think Marty Moon appears in the next chapter. I’ll let you know.

 

“And Coach Mimi Thorp calls a time out. Alexa Watson is struggling on 2-of-11 shooting and it is evident as Milford has fallen behind with Central leading, 26-17. We’ll take a break and come back after these messages. This is Narty Moon and your listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

On the roof of the Milford High School gym

 

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M GOING TO END IT ALL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Honnnnneyyyyyyyy, why are you on this roof? Don’t you want to come to bed with me?”

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M GOING TO END IT-

“Honey, don’t be afraid. I called the Milford Suicide Prevention Line and they are here to help.”

“Coach Shaw, whatever your reasons for jumping, please listen to reason. We just want to know what’s wrong.”

“Shit, I wanted to impress the Mrs. by getting harder than Pike’s Peak but I’m still flatter than the Florida Everglades. I couldn’t perform oral sex on a Florida panther. I knew I shouldn’t have applied Miracle-Gro.  I CAN’T GO ON!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Coach Shaw, your wife here has set up an appointment at Milford Men’s Clinic for an emermency massage, a round-the-clock service that is fully-staffed 24/7. All you have to do is fill out some easy paperwork, drop your Levi’s and the masseuse will do the rest. That’s better than landing in the dumpster below.”

“Honey, you don’t want to be filthy with cafeteria food. And this is a better option. Sometimes when the bear won’t bite you, you have to let somebody apply some TLC and rub some Ben-Gay along the way. You may smell mediciny but you’ll be solid as a church.”

“And Coach Shaw, who’s going to take your place in the fall? The other temp coaches went to Dagwood to coach Elmo’s 10-and-under traveling football squad.”

 

 

The crisis prevention specialist had a point. And I missed gettin’ it on in bed. And after a thorough psychiatric evaluation at Milford State Hospital, I’ll be able to leave the padded room and head to Milford Men’s Clinic for some tender touches. Yup, once I convince the psychiatric staff that I will not warm my significant other on the bulletin board, it’s all downhill from there. And my wife’s goin’ down and she’s gonna love it.

Don’t put your own sex life in a straitjacket. Come to Milford Men’s Clinic and get yourself free. Take it from me, freedom is not hard once you’re hard.

 

Thanks for your patience. I just hope I don’t lose mine watching this game.

 

 

Basketball on ice

In all the years I’ve read this strip, one of my pet peeves is the players wearing their game uniforms to practice. Its happened many times, and unless the school pays extra for 2 sets of uniforms for each player (which I severely doubt), its merely a comic strip habit, because there isnt one school who also does this. You wear sweats to practice in the real world.

I love how Alexa is defense-first. Every hoops coach worth his salt will say you rest on offense and work on defense. But most players dont wanna play D; theyd rather camp out at the 3-point line and bomb away, or go to the hoop and ram it down someones throat, then beat their chest down the court mugging for the crowd as an opponent races past them to score an easy put-back.

Mimi has to encourage her to get more involved at the offensive end, apparently because she thinks she’s still 14 and clumsy. But I dont think Bambi on the ice could play defense very well either. Speaking of which, we’ve been harping on how glassy the floors look since Steve Luhm took over as janitor, and now we’re getting a reference to ice and a blue floor that resembles an ice rink.  Theyre gonna need Yac-Trac cleats to practice on that stuff, which are pullover rubber soles with cleats underneath.

I actually have a pair to use at my job as a mailman in the winter, and darned if we’re not getting an ice storm tomorrow so I can give em a workout.  Cant wait til the Larks have home-ice advantage.

Poppin’ The 3 With Both Skates On, That’s The Gil Thorp Method.

1 & 5

I’ve been waiting too long

Your mindset’s all wrong

Oh, 1 & 5

We need you

 

1 & 5

Can’t you shoot from outside

Make sure you don’t slide

Oh, 1 & 5

Shoot, shoot, shoot

 

I never thought of you a project

Thought you had game

I’ll never opine that way anymore

 

I hope you aren’t a reject

Gotta protect my fame

Hit from the arc, I implore

 

God, “99” from Toto just gives me a rush, always has.

 

 

See Gil teach

See Gil warn Spot not to lick out of the toilet

See Gil point towards the basket

The basket is our friend

You need to shake hands with it

See Chris learn

Chris shoots

BOOM BABY

See Slick go bananas

Chris dunks

What a handshake, Chris

Don’t slip on the ice

Dick and Jane consulted the rule book

You can hang on as long as you brace yourself

Windjammer Dominique Wilkins throwdown, Chris

Jane gives it a 9.5

Do that in the game, says Dick

Anyway, Gil and the rest of the gnomes are attempting to teach Chris Schuring how to negotiate on the ice while streaking down the court on a fast break. While those gnomes are under the bleachers taking a smoke break, well, Gil, I hate to break it to you, I mean, I know you’re busy preparing for Holiday on Ice and you’re instructing one of the crocodiles how not to slip and fall with the basketball when being defended by a hippo to the music of “Fantasia” but you have to have OTHER PLAYERS if you want to practice the 3-on-2 or 2-on-1 fast break. But it’s not too late. You can call other players out of class 20 minutes even if they may be in the middle of a test or giving a speech which is 50% of their grade. The teachers will understand.

As long as academics are given the same priority as the pork fritters in the cafeteria, well, if Chris is running the floor on the break and needs to learn to shoot when he’s wide open, well, there’s wide open when no one’s at the gym but you and your pet project but if we’re going to go ahead and practice as if there’s 9 other players within the lines, you can’t be wide open if nobody’s there. I’d twist Dr. Pearl’s arm a little harder next time. Make sure they’re dressed and ready to hit the hockey rink, er, basketball floor by the time the second lunch bell sounds. Hell, they can learn their trig tables some other time. We gotta learn to drive to the rack when the 2 in the 3-on-2 are scratching their vitals at the half-court line.

 

If ya wear duck boots cuz the last time ya shot a runnin’ 10-footer in the lane, ya slid and slammed inta the third official in the 3-man system even though he shoulda been trailin’ the play and not callin’ thangs from the free throw extended, ya might be a redneck.

 

While Tchaikovsky’s “Russian Dance-Trepak” is blaring from Dr. Pearl’s office into the gym (guess digital technology does wonders) ,

“NOOOOOO, GODDAMIT, SCHURING, THAT’S 2 & 1/2 STEPS WHEN YOU’RE FINISHING THE BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE GOING TO SLAM INTO MOON’S BOOTH IF YOU PULL AN NBA TRAVELING STUNT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I agree, Coach, you skate the way you practice.

I still think practicing in the Grand Canyon won’t simulate playing with teammates or against the other 5 guys out there, but these are teachable moments and should be treasured for a lifetime. And hey, the other team might have to go potty while Chris is executing the break or is open from the corner. Any given day.

 

Heard one day at the Milford High School faculty lounge

 

“Man, somebody needs to fix their drill. It’s just grating my nerves while I’m eating McD’s Chicken Nuggets. What are they working on, drilling a hole to China in the chem lab?”

“Naw, I understand Gil is practicing David Paich’s piano lick from ’99’. Trying to spice up his comedy act at the Milford Comedy Club.”

 

1 & 5 (oooooo, ooooooo)

You’re not 14 anymore

Need to shoot the ball much more

So says my EKG clipboard

Oh, 1 & 5

I’m begging you

 

1 & 5 (ooooooo, ooooooo)

Tho the basket’s out of whack

The scoring’s on your back

Got to shoot or catch some flak

Oh, 1 & 5

On our knees for you

 

I never thought this would work out

Score on crooked rims

Don’t want to shoot there in the second half

 

I always thought that you’d pan out

Jordan is your sobriquet

Don’t think anyone will laugh

Oh, 1 & 5

 

And to think, the past 1-2 weeks we’ve been more concerned with Riemann’s Theorem than basketball, now suddenly, after calling the NBA Director of Scouting for more players, Mimi is going to try her hand at coaching. You know she’s serious when she buys a clipboard at Milford Apothecary along with the Drewry’s 24-Pack and her medicines. One-stop shopping wins championships every time.

 

At the Milford Comedy Club

“…what do I look like, Jeff Porcaro in that spaceman outfit while playing the drums?”

Dead silence

“Well, here’s another song from Toto. Let me get my Wurlitzer tuned. Anybody heard of ‘Africa’?”

 

Mimi, we appreciate your merry-go-round modus operandi but didn’t Milford WIN the last game? And speaking as a coach myself, sure, there’s always something to work on but acting as if one of the halfcourt’s one great big couch and you’re Mrs. Freud really isn’t going to wash. I just as soon hear Hank Snow perform Toto’s “Hold the Line” at the Grand Ole Opry.

“I blew the layup, Coach, because I suppressed my sexual libido. It happened watching Sesame Street. I had this thing for Bert and Ernie and didn’t know where to go with it. Affected my jump on the rebound.”

 

Because I’m a little unclear what “abjurement” means after reading the book on proper usage of English

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford High School Gym To Further Pursue Abjurement Of Ice For A Basketball Floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Thorp: We’re goin’ parquetry like the Celtics. I want every Mudlark thinking like a champion. We’ve abjurred the head cases.”

 

And we head to P3 with more pschoanalysis. And I could take taking the lunatic out of the head if what was said had a logical trail to it. Okay, some kids do grow faster than their coordination will allow. But how that makes them defensive specialists is beyond my comprehension. When the quick-as-a-hiccup point guard found out that all Alexa Watson had to do was fall on her while the former was on a breakaway to the hoop, okay, I’ll swallow that but if that same point guard, after being treated with multiple concussions and contusions from one redwood tree too many falling on her, her coach might have gotten smart and told her to shoot OUTSIDE. Redwood trees taking Binary Functions in 3rd grade could only stretch so far.

Really, Thorpiverse, you have to have a sense of grace to match your growth spurt or they’ll run circles around you. Studying integrals can only provide so much defense, then you better move your feet, y’know, slide ’em when you’re guarding your man. The floor is slick enough.

Take it away, Gang. I’m helping with the videotape. Sometimes you can catch what you missed in the practice. Gil started taking showers after we noticed dandruff flaking on one taping.

 

“…what do you take me for, Zak Starkey as a part-time drummer for The Who?”

The jukebox, playing “Afternoon Delight” by Starland Vocal Band can be heard in the corner

“Ladies and Germs, Comedy is not the only talent in Coach Thorp’s repertoire. Here he is now to perform Toto’s ‘Rosanna’ on the trombone!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

“…I never thought it would happen

Chris is not the same

Won’t bear this dumb plot anymooorrrree…”

 

Mimi’s Last Theorem

While Alexa Watson is studying Integrals and thereby attempting to find the rate at which the moon Io revolves around the planet Jupiter, taking into account the tidal forces that account for the initial vector which affects the seasonal temperatures of the other moon Europa, therewith causing Jupiter to accelerate at abnormal velocities in relation to Newton’s First Law of Motion, a planet in Thorpiverse will keep dragging on and on in this plot gone awry until something interesting comes and whops Jupiter on side its head with a two-by-four and forces Jupiter to change direction, i.e., body acting upon another body, and baseball will actually be interesting this year as a change of venue, i.e., Mudlarks will have its Home baseball games ON JUPITER, Mimi will drag somebody out of Auto Mechanics who can slam dunk the ball.

Players with post skills, that sort of thing.

 

Big shout-out goes to Melody Bland and her fellow office staff at Iroquois Gardens Apartments of Louisville, Kentucky. While I was waiting to pay the rent, she was deftly handling a customer. I am impressed with her knowledge of the place and feel anyone of you out there wanting to rent would feel confident dealing with Melody. I know I got a good deal on an apartment that offers good space, comfortable rooms, and amenities in the kitchen such as a microwave. Yup, I can bash Gil while living in style. Great carpet, great closet space, SUPER bathrooms, all at an affordable price. And I felt VERY comfortable when I first met Melody and staff. What’s nice, one of my co-workers started renting there. Good news travels fast. Come in today and see for yourself. I bet you won’t be disappointed.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everyone knows your name.

 

And don’t know boutchoo all, but if Chris and Alexa are neck-and neck for the top spot in the academic race, and if Alexa is digging into her calculus book and assuming the OTHER BOOKS are calculus books and not Nancy Drew: The Case of the Missing Graphing Calculator (“It must have fallen under the bleachers when I was cheering Chris’ Last Shot”) , it is hard for me to imagine Chris taking Remedial Math and Advanced Bowling. Next thing you know, while Chris is in his driveway, Chris will be working on his free throws while simultaneously solving a proof. Hey, competition makes us better.

BRRRRIIINNNGGGGG

BRRRRIIINNNGGGGG

BRRRRI-

“Hello?”

COACH, GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!! I’M UP TO 80% AT THE FREE THROW LINE!!!!!!!!!! AND I SOLVED THE FOUR COLORS THEOREM!!!!!!!!!!! IF MILFORD IS PINK AND OAKWOOD IS BROWN AND YOUR HAIR IS BLUE AND NEW THAYER IS ORANGE, YOU CAN MAKE A BUCKET SLUSHEE OUT OF IT AND SQUARE THE CIRCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

“But my hair is green and did you use a protractor?”

“Okay, I’ll have to tweak. But it shouldn’t be any problem. Aim for the front of the rim when the hypotenuse is radical 2 more than either side in a 45-45-90 triangle, right?”

“You got it.”

Click

“Gil, who was that?”

“Chris. He was working on his homework and needed help.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Headline

“Mudlark Girls Basketball To Receive An Addition From Tanzania!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will Get off Plane At Milford International Today!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“She still has to clear customs. But she’s academically eligible and is 7 foot. Should be good to go by next Tuesday.”

 

Don’t let Thorpiverse fool you. The artwork in P1 is first-rate, I have to admit, the shelves lined with selections from War and Peace to Vanity Fair to Notes on the State of Virginia to Notes on the State of Mudlark Girl’s Gym (…no interior defense shall be had, this writer posits…) to Fodor’s Gilspeak in 10 Days to History of Milford, Volume 7: The Roaring ’20’s.

But then we see, amidst the anonymous Dagwood background crowd, Alexa’s book wide open and there are pictures to be had. And if you take a closer look

“Richie Rich”

in

‘I Sat Behind Little Dot in Plane Geometry at Milford Elementary’

“Gee, Little Lotta, that’s your 1,276th burger. I’ll pick up the tab, I could buy the Milford Gym on my allowance but don’t you think you’ll spoil dinner?”

“Gosh, Richie Rich, you’re right. Save some for the rest of the Milford Elementary cafeteria to eat. I understand The Bucket is running a BOGO special on Bucket Crab Cakes. Yum yum.”

“Little Dot, what are you doing?”

“I’m drawing basketballs around Coach Thorp’s head because they remind me of dots. And those will probably the only dots we’ll see all Winter.”

Richie Rich and Little Lotta and the Mudlark Girls Basketball team all collectively groan.

 

Meanwhile, in the Bat Cave, Mimi is trying to solve Fermat’s Last Theorem

“Okay, no 3 positive integers satisfy the equation when the exponents are integers greater than 2. I get it. But nothing in the rule book says I can’t use an imaginary number. Let me plug in 2 + 3i and its cognate 2 – 3i and see what happens. The worst that can happen is that I should have moved the decimal point one place to the right-

BRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG

“Will somebody get the Bat Phone?”

Suddenly remembering that Batman and Robin are on assignment, out to prevent Catwoman from raiding the Coke machine before Gotham City takes on the Mudlark Girls team tonight

“Hello?”

“Batman!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Joker is up to his old tricks!!!!!!!!!!!!! He just stole all the basketballs off the basketball rack at the Milford Y!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“He’s not in. Can I take a message?”

 

Later

“…so when the line is vertical, f(x) ceases to be a function and is rendered useless when trying to insert 0 in the denominator and plug in as an integer. Golly Gee Whiz, Fermat is harder than I thought.”

BRRRRRRRRRIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG

Bat Phone rings again

“Hello?”

MIMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND A PLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SHE IS A PRESENCE INSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE’LL PROTECT THE BUCKET BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SHE CAN SCORE BIG TIME AND ADD A LITTLE O. FARMER SAID SHE OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO MAKE PRACTICE AFTER THEY FED HER SOME SLOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, I’m busy. Can’t it wait?”

“Are you still stuck on that problem?”

Mimi sighs and reluctantly answers

“Yes.”

“Mimi, I told you to use cosine waves instead tangent waves. The graph hits an asymptote at 90 degrees.”

 

If ya solve Fermat’s Last Theorem with the slide rule ya shoplifted out of Milford Five and Dime but ya bought the Red Man Fine Cut legally, and later consult Chilton’s Car Care Manual to make sure the integers are all ducks in a row, then scratch yore crack later on in triumph with the same slide rule ta remove the pimples and fleas, ya might be a redneck.

 

“BTW, how’d you manage to get to the Bat Phone line?”

“Batman still had minutes on his phone card.”

 

P3-“Ode on a Grecian Mutant Poplar”

Gang, are you as confused as I am over the abrupt change of scenery? One minute, she’s in her office finishing up the final proofs on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, the next minute, she is caught in Wild Kingdom in Winter. I guess it would only be logical for Marlon Perkins and Scientist-of-the-Show to be studying penguins and their migration habits in Milford, but give us a warning, puh-leeeasssee.

“Marlon, the penguins are nesting on top of Thorp’s house. We anticipate mating anytime now before they fly back to Antarctica.”

 

And quit throwing names at us, Thorpiverse. Like Fitch is a Cinderella team that’s going to be in the Final Four bracket opposite Kentucky. For all we know, Fitch is the name of one of those trees behind Mimi.

“Marlon, those penguins are definitely in estrus and get that way when they approach the fitch oak tree. Many of the droppings indicate a healthy diet of Bucket Burgers and walnuts. Some of them managed to escape Gil’s gun, they are hiding under one of its branches.”

 

Yeah, you gotta have good board scores if you want to attend Fitch but you don’t have to be a player with any basketball talent if you want to be on the team. If the opponent scores 39 points and WINS, case closed.

Is Fitch in the middle of Bush Country like Mimi is comfortably settled while agonizing over a 2 guard in P3? I wonder.

 

I am still mystified what Wrongful Injury means like I saw on a billboard this past week, I mean, what injury is good? Judicious Injury? Soooooooooooooo

 

“Marty, the rumors about the Mudlark Girls team picking up a pygmy out of Madagascar is totally off-base. Just because my office got relocated there doesn’t mean I’m interested. We need depth and speed in the backcourt, but I’m not desperate.”

“And we’ll be back to talk some more with Coach Mimi Thorp and to take your calls if you have something on your mind. This is Marty Moon and this is WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports”

 

At Milford Vocational & Technical College in Physics and the Real World 301

“OWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN that TI-36 sawed my finger off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just when I was figuring antilog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Martin Chumpley did not know that MVTC did not renew their contract with Texas Instruments so they didn’t tell their students that old calculators with vacuum tubes in them were still a requirement. The pressure-packed contraption caused the buttons on the calculator to assume the shapes of tiny switchblades. It was only a matter of time before someone was going to lose an appendage while working assiduosly on quadratic equations.”

“I called 1-FON-THE-JAWS and I not only proved Fermat’s Last Theorem, I got $3,674, 098 as compensation for my injury. One call plus carry the one and both were settled. I still have yet to crack Fermat’s Wrongful Injury but with The Shark and IBM Deep Blue on my side, it’s just a matter of days. And I kicked Deep Blue’s ass in chess, something Kasporov couldn’t do. Thanks, Shark.”

“Man O Man, beat Bobby Fischer, then go right around and have Bobby help you beat Spassky at Reykjavik? And get a huge chunk of change? Hell, I’ll get my #2 pencil and try to solve Fermat’s First Theorem. But you can’t sue for damages on that abacus if you don’t get in touch with me, Joe Sharkey, Injury Lawyer. We handle Wrongful Injury, Rightful Injury, Injuries that sit on a fence, and we’ll even come to you if you’re on crutches because you got bit by your Hewlett-Packard. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m going to look up Fitch in the road atlas. I think if you take a right turn at Albuquerque, you’re there.

 

Mimi, on the phone, while enjoying her Maxwell House and Hydrangea lunch

“So she still has more papers to file to claim politacal asylum? But we need her this Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“Marlon, those penguins near Gil’s chimney performing anal sex are in a ritualistic dance right before they mate. It is said that eggs should be coming anytime after this fait d’accomplait.”

Do They Know It’s Thorpmas?

When I last posted on Christmas Day, I was hanging on a piazza in Charleston with Mr. Bakst.  No such luck today; I’m in a colder place, albeit one that’s not as cold as it used to be this time of year.  I’m also not fresh out of a hospital bed like I was in 2015, and for that I’m grateful.  I’m also grateful that I got to see firsthand something very few people still living got to see previously – a major league baseball team based in Washington win a pennant – and, a few days later, win a World Series, something even fewer still living got to see previously.

My snark isn’t as sharp as it used to be.  In my last two posts I thought I caught a typo where there wasn’t one, and I identified Teddy DeMarco’s knock-kneed stooge as Teddy himself.  I’ve still got some haiku game but I’ve lost a few mph off my song parodies (how many times can I go back to Janet’s Diner?).  Heck, I’m having a hard time finding snark for today’s strip.  The Thorp kids have been so thoroughly retconned out it hardly bears mention.  Maybe Kaz’s scarf?  Looks like one of Mary Worth’s cowlnecks.  What about that gazebo?  Since when did Milford get one of those?  Is that where Mimi entertains the pool boy when Gil’s off at Milford CC every summer?  We don’t even get “Merry Christmas” set off in a fancy font like we usually do.

Anyhoo, to all you TWIMers out there who celebrate Christmas, a merry Christmas to you.  To those of you who don’t, enjoy the day all the same.  Thanks for putting up with me and for the encouragement when I’ve felt like hanging up the keyboard.

 

Hasn’t There Already Been an Investigation?

Excuse me but haven’t Marjie, the superintendent and Captain Man Bun already investigated Ballardgate?  What’s left to investigate?  How about some of the details in today’s strip?

P1: How much squirming must it take to get your forearm in front of you to facepalm at that angle?  Careful Chet, you’ll poke your eye out.

P2: We’re on to the third day in a row where people are just reading Marjie’s article aloud to other people.  I can see why Gil looks a little pissy, especially since Mimi’s leaning over him to point at what she’s reading.  (Bet she’s one of those people whose lips move when they read to themselves.)  It’s enough to distract him from his carbo loading. Must have a heavy day of lifting with Kaz on the agenda.

P3 triggered a lot of childhood memories for me, as I remember fondly the day my father bought me a Howard Elston catcher’s mitt. Superintendent Elston looks like a lot of recycled art pasted together: Lee Corso’s head with Paulie Walnuts’ hair spliced atop a  torso Walt “No Neck” Williams style, an odd suit jacket with contrasting lapels and a pocket square but no necktie, and topped off with Whigham’s signature gesticulating hand.  He gets the “immediate” part of the investigation; not so sure about the “thorough” though, as he sends his female charge off with no real direction.

That’s all I have to say about that.  Tip of the hat to Rubin for reminding me of the first black Yankee and the man who had the unfortunate task of having to fill Yogi Berra’s shoes.

 

Why Did Grandpa Lock Himself In His Bomb Shelter?

This is quite a strip. Three panels and six characters recapping the baffling actions of The Press in “exposing” the Chet Ballard/Chance Macy affair (without mentioning any names). We recap last week’s phone call from Marjie to Chance’s grandfather (with a rug?) and then we get a look at two Milford power couples to see how they prefer to consume their daily news. (One couple reads print and the other online, but both couples employ a “one reads to the other” technique. Ugh. Not a fan.)

So let’s talk about this story that The Star is running. There’s not much there, is there? I can’t understand why they are running the story. The School Board was made aware of Chet’s actions and they did their own investigation. Yes, Marjie (and friend) at The Star triggered the investigation by informing the Superintendent of the anonymous voicemail, but that’s not a story. If the Board takes action against Chet, then we have a story. Is there some reason that Marjie and her editors suspect that the Board will not be taking action even though the paper knows that the Board knows what Chet did? That would be a story too, but we haven’t been given any reason to suspect that this is the case.

The bottom line is that this story is sloppy and slapdash. Great, let’s print it!

We heard you the first time dope.

After a month of farting around with these 2 players, all we know for sure is 99% of the school couldnt give a rats ass which one carries the ball on Friday nights.

How the hell is Chet sabotaging Chances workload on the field??

Gil is the coach. Gil decides who plays. Gil calls the plays. Gil controls the action.

Chet is a parent/spectator who yells in the stands. They always say, if you listen to the fans you’ll be sitting with them one day. Gil may finally be on that road.

Marjie’s back, and man she looks hot on Saturday.  (Yes I peeked. No. not there!)