This Week in Milford

June 14, 2019

Alls well that ends well (of course we know better)

Filed under: Mimi Thorp, shadow figures, softball — robmize2013 @ 3:31 pm

Looks like the girls softball story will have a happy ending after all. No way theyre gonna blow the last game to lock up the conference. We’ve seen at most 7 games this season in 3 months. . (No I’m not gonna scroll back and check, thats for our resident statistician)

So really – nice that Mimi forgot all about the multiple distractions, and because of ONE WIN on the road no less, its all good again. Hmmm. And oh by the way, how are the boys doing? Who cares? Even Gil is warming up the lemonade maker.

***Okay– I looked back, and here’s what I found.

The girls record was 7-2. They played Oakwood twice in a row and also Tilden two straight. They lost to Madison and Tilden, who they were 2-1 against this year. 9 games in 8 weeks. Hardly very busy as most teams play about 25 games in 5 weeks.

Now they play Valley Tech again and would finish 6-2 in the conference if they win. They played 4 other teams in the conference, making it a 5-team league. Why not play Madison twice instead of Tilden 3 times? No sense. Its also not fair 1 team getting 2 home games in that series. Feel free to explain any of this.

And we havent talked about playoffs either, but who has time for that when there’s lemonade to drink?

The boys played 2 games. Total. I believe they were 1-1. Whoopee.

 

 

 

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June 12, 2019

Soon It Won’t Matter Anymore

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Called it, I think. Mimi’s weak-assed reverse psychology is about to claim an innocent victim. I half expect that David will reveal an ulterior motive for casting FUD in Linda’s head because reasons.

Style points for Linda for breaking up in person a/o/t the ghosting referred to in the comments to the above-linked strip. I suppose we should be grateful the Thorpiverse isn’t  Lynn Johnston’s Ontario in which everyone ends up with their high school sweetheart.

Dunno who this rando burger eating girl is in the foreground but with hands like that she could spell Jocelynn Brown behind the plate.

Today’s bizarre cameo: Wilbur Weston from Mary Worth in the role of David’s dad.

Today’s title inspiration is as short and sweet as today’s post.

June 11, 2019

Betcha By Golly Wow Your Team’s Gonna Suck. Good Answer, Mimi, Good Answer.

Filed under: freak hands, huge earrings, Milford Idiots, Mimi Thorp, Pointy Fingers — tdrewhardin @ 2:44 pm

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So now, with the Conference Championship and the plot, as a result, on the line, Mimi meets Linda Carr out on Main Street in Tombstone for a showdown. Better make this good, Mimi, Wyatt Earp is at The Tombstone Bucket downin’ a hard one (you know how Bucket Hard Cider Shakes can affect the large intestine) and the Clanton Boys are pointin’ a gun at the sock hop cuz The Bucket still ain’t got its Liquor License. They likely to shoot first and ask questions later. What happens when you don’t take “no” for an answer.

 

Betcha by golly wow

That your team is gonna hit the pits

Forever

 

Betcha by golly wow

That we’ll suffer through another blitz

Of volleyball

 

The group of choice, The Stylistics. They have always been one of my favorites. I dunno, that falsetto voice with a chorus behind him, plus catchy melodies that go for the throat. They got my respect and have for decades.

 

If yore volleyball team goes through another losin’ campaign cuz yore setter don’t know how ta spike a cow bladder over a clothesline and yore server scratches over the second grease stain that demarkates the dimenshuns of the volleyball court, ya might be a redneck.

 

And now I’m confused. I know that Linda was with a traveling volleyball team and that she wanted to go for the gold, literally and figuratively, by hooking up with the big boys rather than accept a full ride scholarship at Milford Community College and play volleyball there.

Fair enough. I’d say a bit overambitious but she’s a teenager learning about life. I get the feeling she will know where she stands in the grand scheme of things.

But now we have Mimi rattling off teams I have never heard of and I’m bettin’ the readership never heard of, the reasons almost having to do with Mimi convincing Linda to, what?, go full bore with the softball team? Convince her that being Michael Jordan on Milford Community College could land her as an early round draft pick in the National Volleyball Association? That Australians know more about kangaroos and dingoes than they do about volleyball? That her volleyball career is gonna crash-and-burn on Ayers Rock if she doesn’t find new friends and quit hanging around the volleyball thugs? I’m sure things will start to unfold and the Finger Math lessons that Mimi took at the Symposium for Teachers With LD in Mathematics in the interim are paying off in P1. Look at her using the Enumeration Method, reducing those volleyball teams to a status equivalent to a group of church members playing pick-up volleyball at the 4th of July picnic at Milford Park. I’ll never try to spike it down the music minister’s throat after Mimi has reduced volleyball to ashes.

Just don’t let those volleyball thugs spray paint YOUR volleyball net or badminton net, if the former is still in the garage and is buried somewhere under the riding mower, in your front yard. Might wanna call the Sonitrol man on that one.

 

There’s a spark of ennui before my eyes

Apathyland appears so bad, I cry

Never thought this fairy tale would cease

Mimi’s calculator endows me with state of peace

This plot’s “Police Squad” in disguise

Full of bull that’s homogenized

 

Betcha by golly wow

Linda will go back and spike it up Gil’s derriere

Betcha by golly wow

Mimi will be watching, learning to design another play

 

Ooooooooookkkkkkkkk, so before we leave P1, I’m still not satisfied with who these teams are that Mimi is listing, though I THINK they’re the local yokels Rockville will be playing in their quest for another conference title and, perhaps, Linda’s chance at a spot on the U.S. Olympic team.

“Yeah, sure, I think the Pirates have a chance at the NL East Title if they can get “Pops” Stargell off the DL. And with Trout and Sutcliffe, the Cubs ought to be right there with them. Man, speaking of Mudlarks in the dumpster, why did the Cardinals EVER trade Hernandez???? That was worse than the Carlton-for-Gil trade. I think Dr. Pearl was the GM at the time. What did they get in return??????  Henry “Hank” Finkel, Joe Sharkey, and a bunch of volleyballs. Yeah, I know the Cardinals are stingy with their money but look what happened. Finkel went on to the Celtics where he continued his Off-The-Bench-When-The-Team-Needs-A-Body-When-The-Starters-Lose-Interest status, Joe lost his fingers trying to catch one of Hernandez’s line drives, or was it Silent George Hendrick, and what are they gonna do with a bunch of volleyballs?????? Watch Ozzie do flips over them between innings??????? And Hernandez won another World Series. Linda, stick to water polo.”

Boy, finger math does wonders, doesn’t it? Fred MacMurray was onto something.

 

If I could catch a falling volleyball

To throw at some random player’s head, big or small

Order rainbows in my favorite shade

To show this plot ends, that it will fade

Write it off as bas nouvelle

Anything but a prized Nobel

 

Betcha by golly wow

It’s the one we hope will ride to Mars forever

Betcha by golly wow

And always will our hate for it keep growin’ strong

Keep growin’ strong

 

 

Now it’s bad enough that P2 is representative of the Frida Kahlo collection that is gracing our comic strip today but do I have to get Robmize mad at me by continuing discussion of trades like what is going on in P2? Okay, Linda, the Cubs shouldn’t have traded Lou Brock and wound up on the Australian National Team but the Cubs needed cash, some pitching and a right-handed setter with power. Perfect with that wind blowing out.

Linda is perhaps playing one card too many and I think that is where Mimi is going with this. Well, she had the volleyball schedule of the National League East down cold, give her credit. I’ll bet she even knew Lee Smith’s ERA. Hey, gotta be in the know when you’re trying to close it out with Rose (Wind blew out to right also, Rose a switch hitter, yes, I’m onto that) , Bench, and Morgan in the lineup WITH that wind blowing out. Still, Mimi is desiring Linda to ride on Trigger and ride off into the sunset, the sun shaped like a Spalding volleyball, then dismount off the horse and get her ass over to the softball complex. It might get a bit more complex (pardon the pun) than that, but that HAS to be the gist of it. We’ll know if there’s no volleyballs or horse chips in the dugout.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Brian Eno And Herb Alpert To Colloborate On ‘Volleyball Fusion In Tijuana’ At Milford Memorial Coliseum!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Eno points out acoustics of bouncing volleyballs and synthesizers works perfectly at his venue, particularly on ‘Zorba the Greek’.”

 

Linda, Linda, please listen to me, says Mimi in P3. Not only are your fingers shaped like Ore Ida Fries like mine, you really shouldn’t bet on volleyball. The odds makers don’t read page 4 of the Milford Scoreboard to see who won between Milford and Oakwood (“Milford won in 5 sets. Joe, go to a phone. Tell the OTB guys, Milford with a 2 1/2 spread on New Thayer. Hey, the Mudlarks are the home team!!!”) and we need you for this Tournament. Plus, I’d like to put my hands down. Edward Scissorshands is due to show up anytime and he’s been flirting with me. I’ve tried to tell him that I’m married to Gil but he keeps insisting that my Ore Ida Crinkle Cuts look sexy, especially soaked in Palmolive. Can you just say yes and skip the Jimmy the Greek tripe?

Hell, no. I like my Casual Bud Powell “April in Paris” attire that accompanies my corn dog appendages and I need to find a way to stretch P3 into a topographical nightmare because P4 would get a grievance filed by the  Amalgamated Printer’s Union. Betcha by golly wow, I might even sing another Stylistics tune like “Stone in Love With You” or Break Up To Make Up.” It can fit.

 

 

You know, with all this talk of volleyball and softball and newcomball and hopscotch and squash and Lordy knows what else Linda McCartney is involved in, we sometimes forget that people die.

Hi, this is Dr. Pearl, on behalf of Milford Funeral Solutions. That is what happened to me recently as my second-cousin-twice-removed-uncle-cum-father-in-law passed away at the Milford Senior Care Center. His life was full, having been the oldest Civil War Veterans, fighting for the Union in the 171st Wisconsin Corps of Engineers. Somebody had to build the bridge across the Mississippi to lead the charge against Pemberton at Vicksburg. He was rewarded with a fine pension but, MacArthur was wrong. Old soldiers do die. He may have digested his 1,000,000th Big Mac by the time he croaked but they still meet their Waterloo.

The people at Milford Funeral Solutions understand that with a peoples’ non-stop, hectic, go-go, seat-of-the-pants schedules, that they are surprised when one of their relatives dies. Land o’ Goshen, when I learned that Lieutenant Wilfred B. Harrington bit the big one at the Senior Center, I was at a staff meeting discussing ways to cut costs on the repairs of the football team buses. When they slipped the note, someone thought I was thinking about the expenditures on the Alison transmission that put us over budget.

That’s where care and compassion and a good casket that doesn’t cost as much as that transmission comes into the picture. They showed me the adjustable reclining board where he was laying in state to set my mind at ease. It’s important when he’s being embalmed because I have bad images of Elmer’s Glue being applied to his scalp and eyeballs, not to mention Canola oil being applied to his body to keep blood, semen, mucus, etc. from needlessly seeping out and damaging the merchandise, even if it’s dead merchandise. A dead Sears Die Hard battery deserves a decent burial, complete with minister to spread the ashes.

And after all the embalming and he is airlifted from the board to the casket, it’s nice that he will get a nice viewing with his arms folded the proper way. The last funeral home shoved my father’s hands in his pocket and he not only cut himself with the Boy Scout knife but the suit ripped. Try explaining to a dead man why his seersucker has a hole in his crotch. Embarrassing.

AND Milford Funeral Solutions was voted “#1 Funeral Home in Milford” by a reader’s poll in Milford Today. When they can lay my relative’s sword and engineering tools, straightedge included, so that they can be buried in one fell swoop so that the casket door can close smoothly, all at a fraction of the cost of the other funeral homes in Mudlarkland COMBINED, you have a business that will keep growing. No argument from the gravediggers.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today. And to show how badly they want your business, if your uncle or mother-in-law, etc. dies this month, they will pay for the funeral notice in the Milford Enquirer. Why go through the pointless worry of how many grandchildren Grandpa Thorp had when Milford Funeral Solutions can do the Finger Math? Just bring the ad that is printed on the Internet, download it, and your troubles are over. No more concern of whether your aunt was from New Thayer or Madison.

Isn’t it time you lay your troubles to rest along with that sword? That was fool’s gold anyhoo, I understand. An alchemist’s dream. Come to Milford Funeral Solutions and put Excalibur 6 feet under.

 

Gang, comment away. I still think Lou Brock can help the Lady Mudlarks win the softball tournament. Speed on the basepaths is important.

 

 

“No!!!!!!!! Don’t fold Gil’s grandpa’s arms like that!!!!!!!!! He looks like an accordion!!!!!!!!!!”

June 10, 2019

Hat Day!

Filed under: huge hats, Just plain sad, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:30 am

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In all the shuffle of idiotic plot devices, I had totally forgotten about the hats. It’s hat day? Game days are hat days, so it must be game day.

Linda looks a bit unnerved. She’s probably not into the hat. Also, her outfit makes her look like the water bottle in the foreground. See the cafeteria group looking at her like, who’s the person sized water bottle with the red cap?

It’s time for Mimi to address Linda’s issues. She already brilliantly sorted out Nancy and Molly with book club. Now she has to get Linda fired up for volleyball. Because Linda has a full ride scholarship to play volleyball, and it’s mid June and Linda is moping up a storm because she’s not on the Olympic volleyball team yet.

Mimi’s first salvo: That mid level college you’re attending has a craptastic volleyball team. A player of your caliber is probably not going to make a difference there.

June 8, 2019

Coffee Talk with Linda… Carr?

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“Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m your host Mimi Thorp. On this show we talk about coffee, softball, volleyball, George Orwell – you know, no big whoop. Just Coffee Talk.

“Today I’m coming to you live from the Milford High Teacher’s Lounge. Now which teacher is it for? Well, only one Coach Thorp has their team on the verge of winning the Valley, and it’s not my guest, Coach Gil Thorp, who also happens to be my husband.

“So, nu, how is your baseball team doing?”

“Well, we’ve had better seasons, but I’m proud of the boys for…”

“Feh, no big whoop. Have I told you about my girls and all their interests off the field?  It gives them swagger and it’s infectious. Kind of like toenail fungus.”

“Yeah. I’m seeing more of those ‘TC’ pins.”

“Oh, those. Molly Hatcher got them for 39 cents each. Such a deal. At first it was a fun thing, like a Barbra Streisand marathon. Then the girls had the chutzpah to start deciding who that wasn’t on the team should be getting the pins. So I had them read Animal Farm, let them know that was a verkakte idea.  But let me tell you about Linda Carr. Her swing is like butter, but she’s gotten all shpilkes about her volleyball scholarship.  I gotta get her calmed down; I need her bat for the playdowns.

“All this talk of winning championships has me all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: The ‘Too Cool For School’ buttons are neither too cool nor for school. Discuss.”

(apologies Mike Myers)

June 6, 2019

Moral Of This Story: Animals Should Leave The Sale Of Buttons To Ol’ McDonald.

Filed under: Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Mimi Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 8:44 am

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Teamwork Good. Button-Selling Bad.

Well, let’s not get hasty here. Me, for what it’s worth, talking about buttons ad nauseum in a game when the focus should be on THE GAME no question cost them a win.

And I know Mimi is trying to prove a point but ordering Classics through Milford Book-of-the-Month Club and passing out a leather-bound volume that was once read by Woodrow Wilson when he was relaxing at the end of the day in his pipe and slippers after a long bitter day of negotiations concerning the League of Nations in the name of teachable moments is simply outta here. Take charge, Mimi, and leave the Bull Moose Party out of it.

 

We were lost

In doubt

Pissed and steamed

That this tale

Went further south

 

We were lost

In doubt

With buttons being shipped

Obscure and duty-free across the coastline

 

This sale is bigger than the both of us

It’s bigger than the women’s gym

We were lost

In doubt

Petrified at the travesty

And impulsive whims

 

Gang, I remember when Paul Westhead was coaching the Lakers back in the late ’70’-early ’80’s and they had just acquired Magic Johnson (who BTW hated that moniker and responded better to his preferred Buck or Earvin, the latter being his real name) through the Draft.

Westhead was not on the greatest relationship with his players anyway and when Magic stepped in, in fairness, he did defuse much of the heat directed at Westhead, though he really wasn’t wild about his coaching ideas as well. Never one to question coaches, even I still raised an eyebrow when Westhead was trying to implement complex, half-court schemes on a team that was built to run. A team with Michael Cooper, Jamaal Wilkes, and Earvin Johnson would do that. Though they won in 1980 with those same ideas, it not being all gloom and doom, they were unceremoniously bounced out of the Playoffs the next year by a Houston Rocket team that included Moses Malone, whose early entrance into pro ball was finally paying off and his stock was ever-rising. Tenacious rebounding and dominant, well-timed, sometimes-out-of-nowhere shot-blocking had a way increasing in value on the free market.

Anyway, in a crucial game where Westhead has everyone in the huddle, he designed a play where it was just pretty basic, Folks. Magic, throw the ball into Kareem, and Kareem, you dunk it or do your sky-hook, ball game. Okay, good enough.

But then, Westhead pulls Magic over to the side. Magic, unaware of what Westhead has on his mind NOW, found himself listening to Westhead quote Shakespeare (Westhead being a HUGE fan of The Bard)

“Earvin, If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well/It were done quickly.”

Say what?

“Coach, you DO want me to lob it down low to Kareem, right?”

 

Well, I had a “Say what?” moment this morning as Mimi was continuing her over-extended teachable moment with an analogy that, and I’m really trying to be as nice as Magic was to Westhead, really fell flat on its face.

First off, Mimi, you’re right. In “Animal Farm”, the Oppressed did indeed become the Oppressors, a point George Orwell was attempting to drive home in relation to the Soviet Union. Once manhandled by the Tsars down through the ages, Stalin wasn’t much better, slaughtering indiscriminately in the name of Freedom. And it wasn’t just Stalin.

But that’s where we part company. At no time did I think our eager-beaver button-selling duo were ever exploiting the masses through the sale of said merchandise or being expoited themselves. Yes, what turned out to be a nifty motivational tool to boost team morale went awry, the same way the Hippo Concept did, our Hippo Hero getting practically thrown into the dumpster when it didn’t win the 1960 World Series. Yeah, Bill Mazeroski, you heel. Way to leave the poor pachyderm to rot in the junk pile after you put it to the Yankees.

But I’m still scratching my head wondering where Mimi got the idea that that made them slave owners at The Tara. Boy, now I know where Gone With The Wind got its name. Teenagers being teenagers, they got swept up in an idea that could have used better judgment. It’s okay to recognize achievements, especially unusual ones. And they learned that not reining this one in cost them several things, including a ball game.

But Mimi, leave Rhett Butler back in West Virginia, which is where he came from and where he BELONGS. Slavery really wasn’t the issue here. No more “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”, puh-leeease. Nobody’s smuggling their TCFS button on the midnight Underground Raolroad.

Hey, I know. Next time go basic. How ’bout “The Little Train That Could”? Was really more apropos for a button-selling, under-confident and under-achieving team, anyway. As long as you’re not going to take charge and make ’em do the stairs, that’d be the first choice off the shelf at the Milford Public Library.

 

And, not surprisingly, Westhead was fired after the season. Anybody who remembers Jerry Buss, owner of the Lakers, knew he was the George Steinbrenner of the NBA, i.e., quick to pull the trigger on a coach if that poor soul was not up to Buss’ standards or mood, for that matter. Buss did a mercy-killing on this one. Thank God, Mimi didn’t dish out “The Last of the Mohicans” to Magic or Kareem.

“Kareem, if the sky hook isn’t falling, you could disappear like some of our Native Americans did when the white man began to settle.”

“Mimi, I want to see you in my office. NOW.”

 

Timbuys, your Kinks video inspired me. You gave me a brilliant idea. Sung to The Kinks’ “Lost and Found”

 

The baseball season’s out to lunch

A hurricane hit it and sent it to Seychelles

No double plays or infield flies

The tide just swept it and swirled it straight to Hell

 

And Captain Elbert Thorp

Said shiver me timbers

Focus now on making putts

Guys, get loose and limber

 

We were lost

In doubt

Golf awaits

Leave your glove at home

We were lost

In doubt

Take a drop

There’s no more sliding into home

 

This crap is bigger than the both of us

It’s really reeked a smelly pace

Batting donuts are a rare commodity

Dunkin’ Donuts came and took its placcccceeeee

 

Guitar solo from Dave Davies. Best in the business. Thank God, Marty and his ukulele are at Mudlark Lake Resort with Peaches. I shudder to think.

 

Ol’ McDonald had a farm

E-I-E-I-O

And on this farm, he raised some ‘Larks

E-I-E-I-O

With some Buttons, Buttons here

And some Buttons, Buttons there

Buttons in the slop

Buttons in the john

Buttons in the chaw

Buttons in the stall

Some in hen’s eggs

Some in goats legs

Ol’ McDonald was in the sling

E-I-E-I-O

 

Well, needs a little polish but what children’s song showed up on Billboard Hot 100 the first week? It takes a while to wind up on Casey Kasem’s desk.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon Defends Rate Hike At The Warehouse At City Council Meeting!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Between a tall boy and riding Trigger, I think you know my preferences.”

 

Assuming that we’re still in the gym, the light in P1 too far away to be the Communist Debriefing Room in the M. C. Escher wing of Milford High School, we now confront the hangdog mien that is Molly and Nancy in P2.

Really, is this something Ward Cleaver is gently putting Wally and Beaver through the rinse cycle over at the end of the show? I can only imagine the premise at the beginning.

“Ward, would you talk to Beaver? He threatened to punch Eddie Haskell’s lights out if he didn’t wear a ‘Red Scare Rules!!!!’ button at school. He has Lumpy Rutherford in tears because he won’t show off his ‘TCFC’ lapel.”

“Of course. I have a sales convention in Honolulu to attend but should be able to catch the red-eye flight back to Milford and give him a heart-to-heart talk by the end of the show. BTW, what does ‘TCFC’ mean?”

“I think the kids are saying ‘Too Cool For Communism.”

 

“Gosh, Beav, when Dad finds out you stuck a frog down Polly’s butt because she wouldn’t wear a ‘Stalin Sucks’ button on her dress, you’re gonna get clobbered.”

 

“Uh, Beaver, I think you owe Polly and Lumpy an apology. And I want no more of this button business. You’re old enough not to shove anti-Communism ideals down people’s throats. Leave that to Nixon.”

“Gosh, Dad, you’re right. I’ll go tell them I’m sorry. From now on, I won’t force ‘Eisenhower Is Too Soft On Mao’ unless they ask.”

“Well, the trip from Oahu to Milford was worth it after all. Come on, what say we hit The Bucket for a Bucket Root Beer Float? And some Bucket Garlic Cheese Fries?”

“Gee, Dad, you’re the greatest.”

 

Okay, okay, if you can conjure up any better methods to address the sourpuss status in P2, I’m open for suggestions.

Then there’s the word “Lite”. How in the name of Wilfred Funk did that crawl into the English language with that kind of usage? Now, I THINK it is being emoloyed as a suffix, much like we’ve attached the word “-gate” to suggest a scandal big or small. Y’know, from the word “Watergate”, the hotel where Nixon engineered the infamous break-in to wiretap a slew of Democrats. I think we’re safe to not call this latest caper “Button-gate” (yet) , and we have the Bud Lite distribution and discussion to thank for that.

So now, Molly and Nancy will no longer pour Miller Lite in their 2% Milford Dairy Milk carton to calm their nerves before the game or they’ll be runnin’ laps in the gym. That’s fair. I think Mimi has a firm-lite grip on the situation, what do you think?

“Molly, I can smell  your breath in the 3rd row. Did you pour Michelob Lite down your Yoo-Hoo again? Gimme 20 around the horn.”

 

If ya poured a fifth of Jack in yore Hawaiian Punch right before the SAT exam ta handle the stress and ya managed ta hang on ta yore #2 pencils and calkylator, not ta mention slip past the proctor so that ya eventually scored high on the Verbal, ya might be a redneck.

 

We were lost

In doubt

Wondering what

Mimi plans to do with all these buttons

 

We were lost

In doubt

Just in time

For the Customs boat to raid them

Off the coastline

 

It appears we are tying up loose ends in P3. Molly Hatchet and her Amazing Technicolor Trapezoidal Butt is evidently bent on making amends and following George Harrison’s advice to use the power provided, free to everyone. This is love, you know. The button says so. Another one says “‘Cloud Nine’ is a Killer Album”. I told Molly to print that one after she snubbed me the first time. Hey, plugging The Beatles and The Rolling Stones for 50 years counts for something, as long as we’re making restitution.

Anyway, Tyler is going to get his Gideon Bible like he should have gotten in the dresser drawer at the Milford Marriott and we can just move onto summer. Not holding my breath, but at least the Gideon Bible is annotated. Last one was printed by Archie & The Gang and you know how Jughead Jones cuts corners just so he can leave early out the back for a burger down at Pop’s Choklit Shoppe.

 

“You know, when I see a kid ridin’ Buddy Budweiser here at Milford Beverage Warehouse, my cup runneth over. That’s why when The Bucket flares up with libelous statements and false charges, it makes me want to grab the Budweiser Clydesdales and run over anybody not nailed to a booth who’s in the middle of a Bucket Triple Decker.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for the Warehouse. And I’m here to set the record straight. Yes, at the City Council meeting, someone DID propose a User Fee for the horse. But that came from a regular patron, Marty Moon, not us. In fact, when we found out, we were livid. And it was for 75 cents, not the $1.00 that the absentee owner of The Bucket suggested. He’s dyslexic and apparently got the Consumer Price Index mixed up.

Either way, Marty should know better. Proposing a rate hike on a kiddie horsee just to keep The Beer Institute from lobbying against higher taxes on his prized Falls City just about beats all. Marty’s always been a headline-grabber but competing with The Beer Institute for good press in the Milford Enquirer just to eventually promote his show shows you can’t always have your Falls City Dark and drink it too.

Gosh, darn, we are ready to fight back against the dark side. We know our patronage is very educated and literate. After hiring Gallup Polls to run a survey, we found that 53% of our customers have at least a college degree and that 81% overall graduated from high school. Throw in the 37% that matriculated from Milford Vocational and Technical Institute, and by gum, you have an army that can read the warning label on the back of a Cutty Sark. Shoot, I’m personally proud of a man who has a Master’s in Refrigerator Technology and Logistics who can buy a Louis L’Amour at our magazine rack in the Daiquiri Aisle.

So Milford Book-of-the-Month Club has joined forces in its fight for a more enlightened citizenry by offering you a special deal. If you sign up for a membership in the Book Club between now and July 4th, the Warehouse will give you half off your next purchase of your favorite 12-pack.

Boy o boy, Michelob Ultra, was 23.99, now slashed to a dozen simoleons and the FedEx dude delivering James Fennimore Cooper? I’ll have plenty of ice in the cube tray.

And Miller High Life, at 19.99 a pop and  T.S. Eliot’s “The Love Songs of J. Alfred Prufrock” will most surely go together when I’m on the hammock after a long day at the links, shootin’ one too many Topflites in the lake.

Or if you’re a Bud Man, you can be like Harry and pretend to say “Cubs Win!!!!!! Cubs Win!!!!!!” while slurping on a Bud at a laughble $11.00. Shoot, that’s like having 6 free Buds with a “Lady Chatterly’s Lover” in your bosom. Harry would have been proud.

But these deals won’t do no good until you come on down and see for yourself. Bring your photo ID, your thirst, and your dictionary, in that order so you can do so readin’ and rockin’. C’mon, did you ever try to read “The Pickwick Papers” while trying to scoop some Bucket o’ Marinaded Shrimp down at The Bucket? Our Absentee Landowner not only can’t get his facts straight, he gets Bucket Lasagna all over the pages of “War and Peace.” And the stains don’t come out of the leather bookbinding.

And when you have that “How The West Was Won” and a Drury’s in the checkout lane, tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m hangin’ my  head over this plot. So what else is new?

 

At the International Date Line

“Commodore, we have an interesting case. Plenty of swordfish and “Oakwood Bites” in the trawler. Think we should call HQ?”

June 5, 2019

Going Dutch at the Coffee Cantina?

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Here at TWIM we’ve pretty much concluded Milford is in Michigan. While it’s true Michigan has some Dutch influences, I totally did not expect the Coffee Cantina to turn into a full-blown Amsterdam coffeeshop overnight. Had to run with the color version to confirm that the brownie was indeed a brownie. You know it’s a great brownie when you haven’t even taken a bite out of it. Contact high much?

Everyone (including myself) who had written Linda off as a loser who was willing to turn down a volley scholly because she wasn’t yet Olympian material can just hold that thought, at least for today. Skipping practice doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve given up on your sport (remember Allen Iverson?).

The less said about Mimi’s heavy-handed Animal Farm assignment, the better. I’m also disappointed that Mimi didn’t run ’em till they puked before convening Book Club, but if it leads to Molly and Nancy giving Linda a TCFS button for skipping volleyball practice to eat a hash brownie at the Coffee Cantina, I can live with it.

June 4, 2019

The Baseball Season That Was, Until It Wasn’t.

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Gang, are you as confused as I am right about now? As Ned mentioned yesterday, we have learned to live with one-size-fits-all school schedules at Milford High School for quite some time, allowing for graduation ceremonies to be sometime right after the Fourth of July, or maybe that was Burgers and Fries day in the cafeteria, Hell, I forget which.

So while we’re munching on a Quarter Pounder here in the cafeteria before 5th period chem lab and pursuing the class project Design an Atomic Bomb in 1000 Words or Less, Sheet Metal and Crayolas are Permissable, it is left to us to ponder what DID happen to the baseball season. One day, David Walter does an Ozzie Smith fielding job to help the Baseball Mudlarks save the day (and perhaps this strip from extinction) , the next day we have girls talking about hippos and buttons.

And we couldn’t even stay on topic with hippos. Okay, Jamila Moses had a good luck charm she liked better than the Cabbage Patch dolls at Milford Toys ‘R’ Us and, damn, the concept was working until Rally Pachyderm failed to deliver in the 9th and we had to send a hobbling Kirk Gibson to the plate. And to think, it could have been a hippo rounding the bases on that homer hit off of Dennis Eckersley, doin’ the chugging motion while rounding second base as Whitney Houston is somewhere in another dimdnsion accompanying the hippo with “One Moment in Time”. Ah, the gods can be cruel when it comes to fate.

Even the hats that Jocelynn Brown doled out weren’t spared the Black Hole that made everybody look like Dionne Warwick. So it was left to the buttons which have become a national obsession and have driven baseball out of Milford. I know, have Jocelynn dish out those hats for the baseball team, enabling those involved to retain a sense of community. Hey, I’m all for the baseball team and the softball team posing in a group photo wearing Bud Powell fezzes on their heads. We’d be back on-topic anyway. I’m confident there’s a fez that’ll fit Gil’s buffon perfectly.

Don’t you think it’s better than what we have NOW????? What was the point? If reading “Animal Farm” was supposed to be a motivational tool to promote teamwork and commitment and FOCUS, well, “4 legs good, 2 plots (or more) bad”.

“Studying the book wasn’t good enough. You were supposed to READ it. 50 laps around the gym, girl. And don’t let me catch you cuttin’ corners or you’ll start all over.”

Okay, okay, so Mrs. Vince Lombardi is not in Mimi’s genes at this point but we’re still left with more questions than answers after Mimi, appearing to be TAKING CHARGE the other day and still with a bit of urgency in her voice in P1, is leaving us on the edge of the cliff as to what the punishment, if any although I get a sick-gut feeling that is indeed in her bag of tricks this time. No more crack the whip only to find out the whip is just being used to hold the concession stand door on its hinges until a carpenter from the Milford Carpenter’s Union Local 808 comes Monday for much-needed repairs.

If ya harbor the same cast that appeared in Animal Farm: The Movie II-The Year We Make Contact in yore house by takin’ a shower with ’em, sleepin’ with ’em, goin’ to Milford Drive-In Cineplex with ’em, jug of buttered popcorn included, plus tax, lettin’ ’em do the cannonball in yore swimmin’ pool, lettin’ ’em use yore washer and dryer, and takin’ ’em out on a Friday to The Bucket cuz they got 4 Legs Get 1/2 Off On Selected Items On The Menu After 8:00PM Night, ya might be a redneck.

 

And before I leave P1, I WAS hoping Mimi would end this comedy of errors with some good old-fashioned discipline OF SOME SORT. Make ’em do laps, as mentioned. Smack their knuckles with a ruler. Restrict their diet in the cafeteria to only bread and water for a week.

But noooooooooooo, Nancy has to ask, because Pat Sajak isn’t saying, what she’s won. Milford gym has turned into Wheel of Fortune. If I read the entire book twice, epilogue included, that trip to Mudlark Lake Resort is in the bag.

“Marty, you animal. You’re taking no prisoners this time. And I thought this cabin was booked solid through September.”

“Simple, Peaches. One run-through of the “Annotated Version of How the West Was Won” and Vanna took care of the rest. She managed to convince the 90-year-old couple to shift their vacation to Holiday World in Santa Claus, Indiana. I got the keys on Monday.”

“Ohhhhhh, Marty, you know how to talk dirty.”

And how do you study for something with no test or quiz involved? Do you tell Mimi you were chanting “Hare Krishna” while reading the part about the horse getting shipped off to the glue factory? I know Molly is doing her best roundabout answer of I Didn’t Read The Damn Thing, Thank You Very Much. But make the alibi believable. Reciting mantras of “Clapton is God” while reading about pigs and sheep sending a mule to the guillotine on Bastille Day is really unnecessary.

Mimi, I think your strategy is backfiring.

And, believe me, I’m all for unusual motivational tools as long as they work. One year, Indiana University Men’s Basketball played so badly that Bob Knight told them they played like horse crap (confident that the language was stronger than that) and just flat-out said “You’re on your own.” A couple of rookies and some newer players were aghast that he would dump the team like this but Joe Hillman reacted as if this was no surprise. So he got Daryl Thomas to get the plane reservations and tickets (I think they were going to Minnesota) , Brian Sloan to call the hotel in Minneapolis for reservations, Steve Alford to call a couple of restaurants in Minneapolis to reserve a couple of tables, etc. Finally, everything is set up and rarin’ to go, and by the time they arrived in Minneapolis, they got off the plane and subsequently went as a team to the lobby, where Bob Knight proudly awaited. Coach Knight had made his point. Needless to say, they won the game that night against an excellent Minnesota Golden Gophers squad.

I am still waiting for Mimi to get off the plane.

 

“We now return to ‘Daily Living with Dave’.”

Certainly a far cry from “Double Plays from Dave “, which is not only as awkward as it sounds, we’re spared the agony of bad literary style because double plays for the baseball squad is about as frequent as double dips of Bucket Turnip Torte ice cream.

And I’m not liking him at home on a computer with street clothes on. This can only tell me he’s not been at the ball park in quite some time. Which means he must have been doing OTHER things. Now I think it’s stretching it to say he’s been Nordic skiing in Milford Natural Area. Gang, hate to break it to you but you’ll have to set your sights somewhat lower. Yeah, that’s right, he was in a pick-up basketball game in his driveway court with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Pippen couldn’t make it because he was sick with the flu.

So when Linda called, he had Kareem at H-O-R-S (“Bounce the ball off Gil’s hair, go through the loop of the chunky bracelet, bank it in.”) . And it makes me wonder, now that David is accounted for with no double plays up his sleeve, what Linda has on her mind. It doesn’t appear, due to the lack of scars, that Mimi sent her to the rack. But if we have to patronize the same saloon that Matt Dillon and Miss Kitty use Groupon coupons for, Mimi must have done something.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Suing Milford Beverage Warehouse After Nephew Thrown From Buddy Budweiser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Penny caught in the slot chute, causing Buddy to buck, sending nephew 50 feet in front of the Modelo display.”

 

So now we anticipate, judging from P3, that Linda is going to get pissy-whiny-faced about the “punishment” Mimi must have doled out. I can’t imagine hanging around a bunch of Aussies that are thwarting your dream to be a U.S. Volleyball Olympian is really Paradise so being asked (not coerced, if we’re dealing in reality here) by Mimi to gracefully back away from a bunch of roughneck Crocodile Dundee’s so that you can concentrate on a sport that might land a scholarship and thereby doing something strange called “Paying for your Education” is clearly in order.

And Linda might live happily ever after if Sheriff Dillon didn’t have to deal with a shootout caused by one the Dalton boys drinking too much Blue Motha coffee. Kinda makes me wonder what kind of liqueur Miss Kitty spiked it with. Probably some cheap K-Mart Liquor special if it was only $2.15.

 

“Y’know, I just laugh when Coach Thorp takes shots at The Bucket, especially in its endeavors to procure a liquor license. His butt is showing out of his Haggar slacks if you believe some of the tall tales he’s been broadcasting.

Hi, this is the Absentee Owner of The Bucket. What he’s NOT telling you, because the Milford Courthouse Docket was not printed until after his latest ad was that there was a proposal on the table by the very owners of Milford Beverage Warehouse to raise the User Fee on Buddy Budweiser to $1.00 and to surcharge a value-added-tax on select brands of liquor, the latter of which to cover the costs of replacing the ‘B’ on Buddy’s saddle. If some patron discovered that he’s being charged extra on his case of Drewry’s to refurbish a fake Mr. Ed, I bet he’d have a cow. I don’t even want to think about the reaction from the wine connoisseurs when the more expensive Milford Valley Grape Deluxe gets blindsided with heavy tax increments.

But at The Bucket, we have our own riding horse, Bucky, and it is STILL only a penny. If the owners of The Warehouse want to pocket the extra money in the name of Uncle Sam just to finance their Rolls-Royce, that’s their perogative but tell the truth while you’re at it.

Because here at The Bucket, we still charge ’50’s prices because we’re still stuck in the ’50’s. We can go out on a limb in our quest for the Holy Grail and finally nail that Liquor Permit next to the First Dollar because ours isn’t a perfect world. Charging $1.00 for Bucket Triple Cheese and $.50 for Bucket French Fries and still be able to satisfy The Good People who desire The Good Life has long been a goal of The Bucket. And if they want to ride Bucky while they’re waiting for their Bucket o’ Marinaded Shrimp Combo, overflowing with shrimp, onion rings, and a tall boy of Bud Lite, who can blame them? Doesn’t a Michelob Dry taste better when delivered by a sock hop on roller skates with your order of White Meat Chicken Sandwich Combo, especially when you’re washin’ own the Bucket Buffalo Fries and a packet of Bucket Mac ‘n’ Cheese? Mmmm, mmmmm, good.

And this Saturday, as a way of expressing our thanks for over 60 years of your business, The Bucket will let all kids between the ages of 1 to 18 ride Bucky for free. That’s right, save that penny for the gumball machine later. Ride ’em, Cowboy and chow down on the menu at The Bucket. Wow, hope you don’t have plans on this exciting day.

But you won’t know until you ignore Gil and his cohort, Sonny Corleone. The way they both tell it, we’re only in it for the money. Yeah, that’s what happens when Honore Vashon is on the City Council. As if Milford and Steve McGarrett don’t have enough to worry about.

Either way, the door is open this Saturday. In fact, the only time our doors are closed is when we close at night.

Is there a message here? You decide.”

 

Gang, it’s all yours. I’m gonna try that Blue Motha coffee, remembering I have a post to do on Thursday. But I can afford $2.15. And I promise I’ll pay back my sister.

 

Gene Rayburn, thanks for stopping in. What’s the latest?

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought ‘Animal Farm’ as owned by a group of _________________.”

 

“Mr. Vashon, with all due respect, there’s no way The Bucket would survive on the island of Maui. Too many resorts and restaurants.”

“Ooohhhhhh, that’s where you’re wrong, McGarrett. We did a survey and found that The Bucket Sharkburger was 10 times better than Logan’s Steakhouse or the luaus on the island.”

 

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