Well, rob went there yesterday. I was beginning to wonder how long we at TWIM could go without making mention of the current global crisis, one that could end up making the crisis that gave us the Padillas story arc a couple of seasons ago look relatively minor in comparison.
As I write a good many of us may be working from home, either by choice or by force. Some of us may already have been working from home, but travel restrictions may be keeping us from visiting our clients or customers. Rob works for the USPS, so I doubt working from home is an option for him. (Be careful out there, rob.) Some of us may see our work cut back or lost entirely. Too soon to tell.
Less than a month ago I was planning on playing hooky taking the day off from work and going into DC to see something no one has seen in ninety-five years: a major league baseball team that calls Washington home raise a world championship banner. Then the Nats announced they wouldn’t be selling single game tickets for Opening Day, that the tix would only be available as part of a season ticket plan or partial plan. (Ah yes, the sweet smell of success.) Okay, whatevs, I’ll hit StubHub. It might be another ninety-five years before it happens again.
In the words of Gilda Radner’s Emily Litella, “Never mind.” MLB cancelled the rest of spring training and postponed the start of the season by at least two weeks. The NBA, NHL, MLS, and Premier League have suspended their seasons; the XFL (look it up) canceled its season outright. The Masters, PGA and LPGA tours, and most motorsports events have been postponed. The NCAA has cancelled all remaining winter and spring sports championships; any March Madness we see will not be on a basketball court.
Where I live the schools have been closed for at least the next two weeks. The SATs scheduled for today have been postponed. High school sports have been cancelled for the remainder of the academic year, including the basketball playoffs. I guess it’s a good thing Rubin and Whigham have helped prepare us for our immediate sports-free future by turning away from sports to a few weeks of he-said, she-said about academic cheating.
Just wait until the spring story arcs start in a week or two. They’ll make the Thorpiverse look even more like a fantasy land than it already does. Stay safe, TWIMers.
Update (5:25pm EDT): In all the gloom and doom I forgot to wish you all a happy Pi Day. I took time out of my day to bake a pie – an old school Florida favorite, sour orange pie. Here’s a pic so that you may enjoy vicariously. My meringue styling skills could be better.
Unlike Dan Reeves, Alexa wants to let ’em see her sweat – and bang bodies, too – but doesn’t want to let ’em see her score? If you went by dialog alone you might this was an outtake from Eyes Wide Shut. This is no orgy, at least not on the scoreboard and not at the moment. Assistant Head Coach Phoebe Keener is about to change all that.
Nice to see Mimi has given up on coaching Alexa since effectively abdicating that role to Phoebe last week. This is painfully apparent during the timeout. So the Milford girls have one (student) coach for one player and one for the rest of the team? Marty Moon should’ve noticed that and ran with it like a preschooler with a pair of scissors.
Mimi has lost control of the Lady Mudlarks and Rubin has lost control of this plot. It’s been two weeks since we’ve seen Chris Schuring and over a month since we’ve seen the boy hoopsters; can any of them get this thing back on the rails?
Well, look who showed up at the game to high-five the New-Look Watson. And like Zevon, I’d like to know her tailor. Awoooooooo, Werewolves in Milford.
Wasn’t it just last week that Mimi did a stand-in and practically distanced herself from Phoebe attempting to turn Alexa into a human Rock ’em Sock ’em Robot? Even when Mimi told Alexa that in order to get accepted at Harvard, she had to be a runaway train on offense? Yeah, don’t hokey-pokey this one, Mimi. Put your left foot into your mouth, take it out of your mouth, do the same with your right foot, then shake that thang all about and get your husband sexually aroused who’s sitting in the 3rd row behind the Mudlarkettes Dance Corps and come to the enemy gym lookin’ like The Sharp Dressed Man to greet Alexa as if you’d been step-by-step in this process. Oh, you’ve been stepping in something all right. I just hope your Jordache Jacket doesn’t have cow chips all over it when you take it to Milford Dry Cleaners. One can dream.
Because I’m a Western buff and watch shows like Death Valley Days and enjoy them in general but feel occasionally they take liberties with history, knowing that Charles Goodnight had cows but doubting that he had his pet cow in the same relationship a la Roy Rogers and Trigger
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“Coach Thorp Appeals To Governor For Stay On Execution Of His Pet Zebra, Flossie.”
sub headline
“I couldn’t bear to see it at the slaughterhouse so that somebody could get a cheap T-bone steak.”
“Harry Boyle, I don’t like how Alexa is shoving people around all over Milford. She shoved an old lady with a cane the other day and got run over by Gil and Mimi on a tandem. I did some research and found out that the Milford Communist League is behind all this.”
“Oh, Ralph, come on. She’s just trying to up her game. I wish my son Chet had that much energy to get out on his own.”
“That’s what the League WANTS you to think. But if Alexa starts shoving around senior citizens at the Milford Bingo Parlor, pretty soon she’ll be shoving red-blooded Americans straight over the cliff. Then the Commies will put in a new coach and the Mudlarks will have nothing but players reading out of The Red Book.”
“Ralph, did you make this up or have you been in Gil’s office again for Twinkies and coffee?”
“I’m telling you, Harry, don’t blame me if they resurrect Lenin from his tomb and he takes Mimi’s place. Then you’ll have Commies shoving people out of the way when they try to sit in the booth at The Bucket and order Bucket Chop Suey. It’s fishy, Harry.”
“No.”
“Fishy.”
“No.”
“Fishy.”
“NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Look, Alexa is a decent girl. Do you think a valedictorian would want to make America run by Big Brother?”
“They already have Big Brother in power. He draws a paycheck and does nothing. Gil is a model for ‘Each according to their need’. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s reading Trotsky while sitting on the john.”
And are we playing in an igloo? Or maybe they’re minion’s in some 8-year-old’s Lego Block set? The consolation prize is that surely that kid isn’t wearing Donettes on his ears like Mimi is displaying while celebrating her non-entity status with Alexa.
I worship her joie de vivre
Her breath reeks Febreze
She is perfect in every frickin’ phase
Even though she coaches from a telephone booth
Her athletic insights match those of Babe Ruth
Wait till Mimi gets
Unless she’s taking bets
Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee
She and Gil never go for the kill
They both coach on a fart and a whim
Mudlarks today like to play their own way
And what Coach Thorp doesn’t know won’t hurt him
Boy, wait till Mimi shows up at home indeed. She might learn a thing or two after getting familiar with the architectural design of Jefferson’s gym. Now if only she knew the floor plan of her own. When you have to max on your credit card to rededicate your life to the basketball court via Milford Floor & Tile, well, as the fans always say to bad officiating, “Open up your eyes, you’re missing a good game.” Wanna borrow my 3-D glasses, Mimi?
Because 12 points is an improvement but certainly not enough to convince me that she can sustain that level of play, as if getting called for charging after backing down your woman in the paint then flying on a spree is going to be the table d’hote henceforth. I’d increase the odds if Mimi had a hand in things and not letting Phoebe get thrown to the lions if Alexa backs down a police officer after the game to get out the door to stay true to character, yet be the first in line at the Milford Soup Kitchen to enjoy Alexa’s Crabmeat Special while Phoebe is off in a corner gnawing on Milk Bones. The dignified thing to do would be at least throw Phoebe a pincer every now and then.
If yore daddy shows up at yore game after they gave him a 3-day pass, then after ya score 38 points and 24 rebounds to win the game in triple OT, the authorities return him ta the chain gang ta work on the Milford & Oakwood railroad track, ya might be a redneck.
And is that Chris in the audience? Well, after all, he’s the second head in this two-headed monster that has replaced Mimi as the coach. I reckon that’s better than no heads on Gil’s team. And that’s scary. Basketball without representation is tyranny. I’d almost welcome Beef-a-Roni/Beef-a-Ghetti Head to lead the boys team in wind sprints.
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“O.J. Heavily Fined And Delivered An Official Reprimand From Milford Condo Suites!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“They never told me that a Polled Hereford was not included in the pet policy.”
“Irma, it’s bad enough that Chet needs to get his own place and that he got fired after he was caught dumping Cheerios in the Bucket Spaghetti Special when he couldn’t find the Bucket Noodles. But when he’s given a T for imitating a Lear jet and trying to knock the Tilden player on the floor by blowing jet fumes in his ear, trying to intimidate your opponent shouldn’t land you on the bench.”
“So he tried to pass gas on the player when he as boxing out, Harry. Gil taught him that. He told Chet to keep plenty of Bush’s Garbanzo Peas in his locker. He’s teaching him about Life. It may smell but you get the loose rebound anyway. Coaching isn’t always perfect. Mimi’s trying to teach Alice the same thing, only with Safeway Pinto Beans.”
“I hope to God the Milford Feeder League isn’t dispensing that information to Jaime.”
Peter-Panning your way to the rebound on the hopscotch board and holding your breath that the Tilden player in P3 is merely answering the altar call at the Billy Graham Reach Everyone in Milford By 2025 Crusade and not getting her patellae overworked. That’s the system Mimi’s using (we think) . As Phoebe said (that Mimi should have said) , the calls even out.
Today’s Black History Month installment is George Liele, a former slave who eventually became the first African-American missionary. Starting out in Savannah, Georgia in the Baptist denomination, he built a solid congregation, though he was a Loyalist, his reason being that he wanted no part of the Colonialists’ toleration of slaveholders in the American South.
Liele moved to Jamaica to start his mission work, eventually establishing another church that proved to be fruitful. Though plantation owners there were initially against his ministry due to fears of emancipation of their own slaves, Liele overcame all doubts, not to mention the notion that African-Americans could not escape the vicious cycle of slavery.
Instead, he showed through perserverance and love that African-Americans could live productive lives without chains bound to them. His ministry influenced many and further advanced the Human Race. Please join me in saluting a man who accomplished great things and helped people take a giant step forward.
“And Alexa knocks Jane Doe to the deck after kick-boxing on the drive. Alexa will be at the line to complete the 3-point play. Time out is called by Tilden with the score in the tenth round, rather, 3rd quarter, Milford, 47, Tilden, 31. We’ll take a commercial break, this is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG-Radio, a division of Learfield Sports.”
“When The Bucket is still trying to strong-arm the Milford Zoning Board to obtain a liquor license, even if they play dirty pool or throw somebody in a pool, that’s one thing. Personally, I’ve been on the bad end of blowouts and that’s the time to clear your bench, not try to claw back into a 51-point deficit. But maybe The Bucket knows how?to handle the 2-minute drill better than I do and will one day sell Schlitz and Sundaes on any given day.
But when they won’t allow honest, tax-paying citizens onto their Food Court area unless you have a Bucket Food Court Member card, that’s when they need to be called for over-and-back, that’s too many halfcourts crossed as far as I’m concerned.
Hi, this is Coach Thorp and let me tell you, Milford Beverage Warehouse says Come unto us, all ye that are hungry and heavy-laden and we will give you rest, booze, and some grub. Our credit is easy and our Food Court is wide. You won’t see any Pinkertons patrolling the area to check to see if you paid your admission. You can sit down and enjoy Big Mac’s and Korbel, $9.99 a bottle, and not have to worry about your papers being in order.
Want a Whopper and some Natural Light Naturdays in the 30-Pack? For $18.99 and some loose change, you can bask in the sunlight at the arboretum section of the Food Court and for a few dollars more you can make it a combo. Fries and a large Nestea Unsweet and the sun rays are still free, isn’t it nice to enjoy Cheeseburgers in Paradise without Dirty Harry sticking his Magnum up your butt?
But we’re not all Ronald McDonald and Golden Arches around here. Long John Silver’s was another chain gracious enough to grace their presence here in the ambiance that is the Food Court. And if it’s atmosphere you want, The Warehouse is willing to oblige. And the obligation is pretty affordable when you’re consuming LJS Salmon Platter and Hush Puppies with Maker’s Mark Whiskey 1.75 Liter serving as your chaser. At $23.99 and lunch money, Boy, I’ll go out to the Bering Strait with the fishermen to snare some more. Salmon, of course, there’s no Maker’s Mark north of the Arctic Circle.
Now are you going to fork over $250 for a non-refundable, non-redeemable membership card and just get Bucket Rib Sandwiches in a cage? If they EVER get their liquor license, who really wants Bucket Clam Chowder and Coors Light in a roped-off area that would be better used as a playground than a so-called Food Court? With Adam-12 looking over your shoulder? No thank you.
Come to Milford Beverage Warehouse where our Food Court stocks Happy Meals and Wendy’s Doubles, Hardees Thickburgers and Domino’s Breadsticks for that discriminating liquor connoisseur and all you gotta do is leave your attitude at the door. You won’t need a hall pass to enjoy Jim Beam and Whoppers with Cheese. Don’t take my word for it. Come see for yourself and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.
Thanks for your patience, Gang. You didn’t pull an Alexa on me. God bless you.
Driving the streets of Milford one night after Tuesday Open League Bowling Night at Milford Bowl-a-Rama
“Harry, these Commies think they can overrun Milford without us Mudlarks firing a shot. But I’ve got a sure-fire prevention method to contain any Pancho Villas from being the janitor at Mudlark gym.”
“Ralph, let it go. I haven’t heard any ugly rumors about Maoists or Marxists invading our fair city. That’s as sure a thing as the Mudlarks making the Playdowns.”
“And let Fidel tear your ticket at the ticket window? Khruschev sell peanuts and Bud in the stands? Lin Piao be the timer? When I have the most fool-proof plan this side of the ocean?”
“Awwrriight, I’ll take the bait. What do you have in mind?”
“Simple. We look in the phone book for everyone with the last name ‘Thorp’. Gus Thorp. Sigourney Thorp. Abraham Thorp. Grandma Moses Thorp. Elmo Thorp. Bubba Thorp. Tom Thumb Thorp. William Makepeace Thorp. Pytor Ilyich Thorp. The whole Thorp crowd. Our vigilante group will round ’em up and send them on the next cruise shop bound for Russia.”
“Ralph, there’s a number of honest Americans with the last name ‘Thorp’.”
“I realize that. If they brush their teeth with a 9-iron and use Quaker State to lubricate their car and hair, I’ll assume they’re on the side of Old Glory.”
I love Coach Thorp so swell
But she starts to yell
Everytime she’s advised to coach
Just wait till Mimi gets
She wears a nice hair net
Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee
“Hi, Mimi. Long day?”
“Ah, I let the kids work on the press-breaker. Those Bucket Tenderloins are to die for. Have you seen their Food Court?”
Don’t put that thesaurus away just yet. We’re being introduced to a new vocabulary and it’s going to take some doing to soak it all in the noodle, synonyms and antonyms included.
Like what IS the opposite of slam-dance? Polka-trotting? Really, I can’t see Marty Moon with the call
“And that’s the 3rd turnover this quarter, Alexa trying to make something happen really needs to polka-trot the ball and set up the offense.”
“…Alexa on the wing, Phoebe and Cindy Brady-Schuring-Willcox-Thorp, Jr. the others on the 3-on-2, Phoebe slam-dances 2 defenders, dishes the rock, put it in the books, Alexa on the finish. You could see that one coming.”
And this doesn’t have to be confined to basketball
“…Gretzky with the puck, slam-dances around the goalie, SCORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OILERS WIN IN A SLAM-DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Possibilities
Monday Night Football will never be the same with Frank Gifford tweaking his commentary
“…watch how Montana sets up in the pocket, sees Rice on a slant-and-right, Montana’s release is impeccable before he gets slam-danced to the ground by Mean Joe Greene…”
Dick Vitale just picked up a new phrase to add to his already-expansive lexicon
“…ohhhhhhhhh, get the busses warmed up, Baby, The General is going to walk out of Mackey with a slam-dance, Alford and Hillman just played brilliantly…”
I didn’t want to go hog-wild with this, I had to bring it back to basketball.
Speaking of basketball, are those 2 Dagwood background characters actually PLAYING basketball? I know Shawshank Gym can be structured a little funny but I don’t see a goal anywhere and the ball-handler and her defender are looking in the same direction. At what? A stray deer that wandered from Milford Petting Zoo? I hate to break it to the defender but if this is a defense drill and you don’t want your opponent to score at the goal down the hallway by the attendance office, I suggest you face your adversary if you don’t want an easy lay-up in front of the hall monitor. And slide your feet. The hall monitor is deceptively quick.
If ya slam-dance the basketball that’s made from the hide of a raccoon and ya break the rim off the goal and slam-dance the backboard so that glass winds up in yore crack, ya might be a redneck.
While I’m slam-dancing my head back to reality, where is that girl dribbling to? Is she going to drive to the black hole, er, bucket? Is she dribbling to Zion? The beautiful city of Gil?
Okay, enough bitching on that one. And commence bitching on another one.
Evidently a tornado has run loose in the school and Mimi is expressing appropriate concern. And remember when we were kids and we did the tornado drill where we were instructed to sit and fold our bodies into a ball, facing the wall? Hey, if I didn’t want to get smacked by a runaway student-athlete trying to up her game by imitating Hurricane Mimi, I’d gladly face the wall Charlie Brown and Linus lean on when they’re discussing Mudlark athletics.
“Pig Pen can do a better job of coaching than Coach Thorp. You just SEE the stench and dirt when Pig Pen’s got the clipboard.”
“Athletics and losing sometimes go hand in hand, Charlie Brown.”
“Yeah, but Gil is married to those two. I understand it was a shotgun wedding.”
Hey, I just conjured up another idea for a Fawcett-Crest paperback, All This and Snoopy Too. Well, can’t have Gil show up, not that I’m terribly worried that he or any other adult will show their faces in a Charlie Brown paperback. Just making sure.
Oh, yeah, the dribbler’s headed towards the wall where Charlie Brown and Linus are fellowshipping. This Get Tough For Girls Basketball By Dunking The Ball And Your Head campaign is getting contagious.
Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer
“Coach Thorp Smashes Into A Deer With His Buick Skylark, Costing $1000’s In Body Shop Repair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“I get enough from Alexa damaging my bumper and front end on my other vehicle without some white-tail in estrus during mating season.”
And are YOU in luck, Gang. Thanks to all these gazillion Roget’s Thesaurus’s, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Pocket Edition, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Family Album-Milford Photo Studio Edition, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Basketball Lingo (perfect for feeder leagues) , I now possess a treasure trove of words at my disposal so that my vocabulary doesn’t run dry when I’m stuck on slam-dance when doing the crossword in the Milford Enquirer.
Try a few on for size
“Because after she slam-mazurka’d Jimmy Causey, you gave her a high five.”
“Honestly, Dr. Pearl, I didn’t mean to slam-choreograph Ms. Rizk’s Maxwell House and get it all over her Playtex bra. It’s just that the conference title is on the line tonight and I need to be ready.”
“Chris, I know you’re trying to take one for the team but we don’t need heroes now. No more slam-jitterbugging. Contest but don’t foul.”
“Gil, you don’t need to slam-hula-hula anyone to get those pork and beans. There’s plenty for all at the church fellowship supper.”
“Alexa with the drive, scoops and scores. My goodness, she has 38 points to go along with 21 rebounds. She is on a slam-St. Vitus’ Dance.”
Well, some bugs ya gotta work out. I’m sure the program director at WDIG will have a slam-basketball terminology list so there’ll be no more devil in the details.
And Gene Rayburn is back to slam-dance this plot into next week. Take ‘er away, Gene.
“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that if you slam-danced your __________________, you’d reach The Fountain of Youth.”
Now wait just a minute, Mimi, while you’re slam-Virginia-reeling your high horse. Didn’t YOU want Alexa to be more aggresive on offense, actually comparing her offense output to her GPA? (Nod your head “yes”.) Don’t wind this doll up to fever pitch, head down to the corner store for milk and eggs, fry up a souffle, then blame the kids when there’s too many egg shells in the omelette. Yeah, you can’t just let this Kewpie doll run all over the neighborhood, then call The Shark to sue the guy next door when his Shar-Pei chews up your prize possession. Either get a chain link fence or face the consequences that your player is somebody’s Kibbles ‘n’ Bits. Keep your dog bones and Kewpie dolls on your own side of the yard. Just sayin’.
“This is a Special Report. WDIG News has just received word from the Milford Police Department that they have cracked the case on who shot Coach Shaw. Detectives revealed that-
SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GENERAL KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE RECRUITED THIS PTP’ER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE’S ON MY ALL-SLAM-CHA CHA TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE’S A REAL SLAM-EATER IN THE COURT…
And, Mimi, Joe Friday you are not. Not only should you not get puffy after you essentially got hoisted by your own petard, you make a lousy Barnaby Jones. Buddy Ebsen, who played the character, was notorious for forgetting his lines (ditto Jed Clampett on The Beverly Hillbillies) but the man could act. You can’t even act the part of a coach, let alone Dirty Harry.
Skipper, I agree, Gilligan shouldn’t be ramming his head into cocoanut trees just to do ANYTHING to get off the island. And you can trust the process and not have stitches and cocoanuts in your head. But YOU were the one encouraging Gilligan to literally go head first into this one. We are keeping score, Skipper, in case you left your scorebook back at the lagoon. All told, you can trust the process by getting back to the basics. Practice, for example. I’ve never known anyone get bonked by a stray cocoanut when practicing box-out drills. You should schedule a few, then you wouldn’t have Jerry Lawler running over teachers in his Peterbilt on Room 222 episodes.
Today’s Black History Month installment is Slim Gaillard. He was an excellent Jazz musician, a bandleader who wrote the #1 hit in 1937 “Flat Foot Floogie.” If you listen to the song, I promise you, you’ll start gettin’ happy.
He played with the greats such as Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, and Miles Davis and cut some outstanding albums along the way. His unique way of talking, starting off many words with a “V” or just plain Hip-Hop in general, made him electric when singing his music or rubbing elbows with the gentlemen like above.
His contributions have been highly undervalued and it is high time Mr. Gaillard had his day in court. I salute you, Slim Gaillard.
One fine day on Primrose Lane in Milford
“Damn, my neighbor ran over my petunias with his Snapper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now he slam-quadrille-d my leg off!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it’s my bowling night!!!!!!!!!! We’re up against the Milford Bowling League Champions!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Let me tell you, if my bowling ball got slam-gavotted by some runaway car from Milford & Oakwood Express, I’d be kickin’ some booty too. And at Sharkey Law Offices, we get it. You want your leg and bowling ball too. Hard to win Bumper Bowling without either in your repertoire. We’ll fight the insurance companies until you are literally standing on your feet.”
“I got $3,563,906,245,653 × 10v5 in compensation. I was not only able to walk again and be a mall walker at Milford Peddlers Outlet, I got a new Brunswick Titanium Special through the mail-order catalog, gratis. The UPS truck was on my doorstep in a couple of days with the Etch-a-Sketch form to sign my John Henry and a new ball. And I could stand and smell the roses along the way. Thanks, Shark.”
“What further proof do you need? Makes me want to go bowling and slam-riverdance those cheap K-Mart pins at that pinball bowling machine they have at the Milford Confectionary Shoppe. If you got slam-sarabanded because your partner flunked the final at Milford Dance Studio, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”
Thanks for your patience, Gang. My vehicle broke down and it was a labor of love all day. You made me want to fight through this one. God bless you all.
In Ms. Rizk’s Intro English Usage for Journalism class on any given morning
“Okay. I think we understand the concept. Now who can express the opposite of slam-dance? Yes, Henry?”
“Coach Thorp felt like such a failure after Chris’ development schottische’d in the molasses. It was time to go back to the gym for more individual work and hope Coach Thorp would untarantella his head on straight. Chris started by ramming his head into the basket uprights.”
Poor Kenny Hastings. Minding his own business in the hallway when he gets shoved out of the way as part of an unannounced and unassigned assertiveness training exercise. Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to be taking one for the team? Didn’t Phoebe tell Kenny that pushing your classmates around makes you Too Cool for School? Such selfishness.
Now we get to learn which tactic is the lesser of two evils: pushing other kids around in the hall to improve your assertiveness on the court, or imagining you’re pushing your academic rival down in class rank to improve your assertiveness on the court. My money’s on the latter as it (a) came from a coach, (b) exists only inside the heads of the coach and the player, and (c) involves imaginary a/o/t actual harm.
It’d be funny if Schuring turns out to be the actual bad guy in this strip, doling out fake advice via Phoebe as a means to get Alexa suspended, turn in an assignment late and lose a few precious hundredths of a point off her GPA. Funnier still if Phoebe is the grand mastermind, making herself the indispensable intermediary between all the major players in this play. She may not end up valedictorian or salutatorian but should have a lucrative career as a political strategist.
The Thorps are still contemplating Alexa Watson’s shooting aversion. I get the feeling that Mimi is going to be contemplating this long after Alexa has graduated. She’ll be analyzing stats, wondering why Alexa Watson doesn’t want the ball. The glaringly obvious answer probably lies in her 18% shooting, but that doesn’t tell the whole story! What is Mimi missing? What can she do differently? Should she design special drills in practice to force Alexa into shooting situations and watch the morale of the team fizzle as balls go clanging off the iron while the players get sick of the futility of it all?
I think I’ve probably already said all of this, but how did Alexa end up on the basketball team? What did Mimi see in tryouts and/or practice that led her to believe that Alexa would eventually blossom into an offensive force? How long has Mimi been clinging to this opinion and when will she finally drop it and look for offense elsewhere? Can Gil, with his vast experience in coaching and molding kids into athletes maybe help Mimi move on? No, I think he wandered out of the room because he’s as bored with all this as I am.
Look who decided to pop back into the story. It’s Teddy DeMarco, the wiseass who has it out for Chris Schuring. (We don’t know why, naturally. It’s just how things are.) Teddy has been biding his time in the “messing with Chris Schuring” department, but it looks like he’s got some activity planned. Maybe the next time Teddy sees Chris in the hallway, he’ll say, “Hey Chris, what are you, the Alexa Watson of the boy’s basketball team?” or something equally banal.
Teddy might have to deal with hip dysplasia first.
Hip dysplasia might be a thing in the Thorp family. Gil showed signs of it two weeks ago; today, it’s Coach Mimi’s turn. No need to use her lap to balance her AMOS laptop; Mimi can just pop that old hip out of its socket and turn her leg into a table. The Thorps might’ve passed that trait on to their kids, and that’s why the kids ended up going to that farm upstate.
What’s Mimi doing on that laptop that’s so piqued Gil’s interest? Poring over stats like their players? Maybe it’s not what’s on AMOS but that Faberge Organics shampoo robmize posted about yesterday. Gil’s leaned in so far for a sniff that the last panel is literally drawn from the perspective of Mimi’s hair. Don’t believe me? Check out the color version of the strip:
I wonder if Mimi will let slip the psychological tactics she’s used on Alexa to Gil while they re-enact The Thing with Two Heads. Then we’ll find out who’s really had the offensive presence.
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