Tevin Claxton is either shaping up for a career in the diplomatic corps or one as a weatherman, as Boyd Spiller’s constant insults about his so-called “choking” roll off his back like so much rainwater. Time will tell if Claxton’s teammates will take up his case and put Spiller in his place (e.g., taped to a locker). How’s Gil gonna quash this dissent on the football team? He doesn’t have a spunky little libero to tease Boyd over to her house with the promise of her mama’s brownies this season.
Speaking of brownies and snack foods generally, where and when are Tevin and Gordon getting those post-game Blastos? Is this happening Friday night, on the way back from Kettering? Or is it happening early on Saturday, at the Milford Swifti-Mart? I don’t recall my high school sportsball activity bus stopping for food anywhere on the way back from a road game.
On to actual Saturday, early, where Mimi leads a busful of girls to something called “The Aurora Invitational – Powered by Coffee.TM” I suppose Coffee is the paid sponsor for the Aurora Invitational. That looks like Marty Moon’s sippy cup Mimi is clutching, so odds are there’s something else besides coffee in it. How she ended up with Marty’s cup would be a red herring worth exploring.
I’m assuming this is a volleyball thing? The girls are wearing Milford warmups so it’s nothing to do with gymnastics. The only volleyball Aurora Invitational I could find online was a tournament in Missouri over a decade ago. Pity it’s not in Illinois; Mimi could treat the girls to a round of Stan Mikita’s Donuts with that coffee.
meta: Thanks to Ned, tdrew and rob for rearranging the deck chairs to cover for my absence on Saturday. Sorry so late with today’s post. Juggling too many things at work.
The impressive Heather Burns has cracked the case. It was Carter Hendricks’ blueorange green-and-white “rain top” that gave it away! (Um Heather, in the Thorpoverse, colors change all the time. In the previous strip, your striped shirt had one color and Gil was wearing red. You owe Mimi an apology!)
Heather must have found some BSU team photos if she’s so sure that Carter Hendricks is Carson Hendry, who won two conference gold championships with the Bemidji State Beaver’s golf team. BSU plays in the Northern Sun Intercollegiate Conference, so they competed against the likes of Concordia-St Paul and Minot State in North Dakota!
Carson Hendry has been knocking around for the last 15 years as a professional golfer! His handicap, as last recorded on Heather’s source for all pro golfer data was a -1. OMG! That’s better than scratch, says Gil! Very astute, Gil. Yes that;s how that works. A scratch golfer has a zero handicap. -1 is less than zero, so it is better than scratch. You’re really good at this, Gil. Get yourself a cookie and change your shirt again.
I have to say this golf story is really spinning out of control. First Mimi has to change into formal sweatpants which frankly Ive never heard of. Leave that midriff-baring outfit on; its a Woman coming over for Pete’s sake! Of course Heather also changes out of her sleeveless top, so theyre even.
Next Heather reveals her investigation into Carter, which in itself is rather meaningless. Why she cares whether he cheats at golf is the question. I thought she was trying to find a real career, not moonlight at the National Enquirer.
She’s basing her allegation of his cheating on.. the rain storm? Boy thats a new one. Again, I cant wait for more info tomorrow when she connects the dots, cuz I sure dont have a clue what the hell rain has to do with cheating, because they wernt even gambling in the first place, and his score was as Ive pointed out, very typical of a 12 handicapper.
And we sure dont have enough info to convict him either, based on the strips. So its gonna be some cockamimi reason she comes up with that I’ll bet lands her a position at the Milford Star, and everyone goes home happy, and we move on to football.
If thats the case, this golf story gets a triple bogey on my card.
In case that mighty thud of an ending didn’t clue you in, it’s officially summer. Gil has broken out the cargo shorts and whipped up a pitcher of lemonade. Mimi’s in her summer jorts. It’s summer.
Nothing says summer like cutting away to the Milford Star where random newspaper man is offering Heather a beverage. Heather seems okay without a beverage. Is that Heather Burns, soccer player who joined the football team? Maybe we could be sure given a little more exposition….
D’oh! Now we’re at Milford CC and the first round’s on Hendricks! WTF is Hendricks? Is the standing figure in the third panel Gil? This is going to be a wonderful summer.
I realize the Allen Funt/Candid Camera references are my colleague T. Drew’s thing but between yesterday’s and today’s strips I’m left wondering whether Kaz has been playing the long game by goading Gil into meddling with aspects of Milford society that are outside his wheelhouse until he finally gets himself caught in a trap he can’t walk out of. Swaying Allen Funt’s vote on the Library Board by bribing him with pie* doesn’t rise to Abscam levels but it’s a slippery slope from there to sexual favors for invitations to the Milford CC. Then Kaz will have sprung the trap that leads to him getting named Head Coach of all Milford boys’ sportsball teams and athletic director. No more moonlighting as a bouncer and mooching off Kelly Krystek for him then, nosireebob.
Just what kind of skids are being greased here, anyway? Have the codgers on the Library Board realized there’s no logical way they could let the Clark kid have the seat, no matter how strong his arguments are for preserving the status quo? Aren’t there enough of them already on the board to shoot down every Brito proposal and make him look like a jerk – which is SOP for him, anyway – in the process? And, as so many of you gentle readers have commented over the past several weeks, why couldn’t these decisions have been made almost immediately after Zane’s and Abel’s presentations before the board?
Because Rubin doesn’t know how to wrap a story arc up neatly anymore, that’s why. Corina’s college predestination could’ve been wrapped up last weekend and this nonsense the weekend before that, freeing Neal and the Chief to dive into some summer hijinks featuring a Milford alum and some non-revenue sport.
*Have you noticed how easily people in the Thorpiverse are swayed by free food? From Corina Karenna and the other Valley Mod kids last spring to this Allen Funt/Ed Asner lookalike, the offer of eats gets folks in the Valley to do one’s bidding cheap.
In any event, I encourage you to read the linked WaPo editorial (which showed up in my feed after the box score to yet another Nats loss, but also owes a tip of the hat to faithful TWIMer vaganova). You’ll learn much about the history of pie and its influence on American culture and probably be more entertained than by reading a week’s worth of Gil Thorp strips. It may even influence you to bake a pie to honor our country’s independence.
Late post today because (a) this isn’t an arc-ender (or at least it doesn’t read like one) and (b) I had to do some Thorpiverse time travel to fact-check today’s strip.
Second thing first. About this Debbie Roy thing: the story arc Gil refers to predates this blog, to spring 2004 in fact. Debbie Roy served as a potential love interest for the boy on the softball team, Joe Clifford. Clifford’s Lady Mudlark career was about as successful as his efforts with Debbie. It’s worth noting, however, that Mimi did not have a boy on the softball team, as Mimi was NOT coaching the Lady Mudlarks at that time. Someone named “Coach Jensen” was at the helm. (Here’s what Mimi looked like at the time so no, it wasn’t Mimi in a brunette wig role-playing as Holly Dobbs for Gil.) Seventeen years later, Mimi throws her voice to explain that a mid-thirties Debbie stepped up to play a role in Mimi’s Project Corina…
… except maybe it’s not only Mimi’s Project Corina but also Mama Karenna’s. It’s settled, then: Corina’s “caring for her mentally ill mother” and “my grades are bad” excuses are simply that, excuses. Excuses for not going to football games on Friday nights, for essentially lying to Mimi about her grades, for not applying to colleges. Still trying to figure out which one of them forged Corina’s applications (if any), and still trying to imagine Mama Karenna physically giving Corina the boot. I’m picturing something like the opening credits for Top Gear‘s “The Interceptors.”
Thankfully this storyline is winding down (OMG what if it isnt and we’re stuck with these bozos all summer?) and like it or not, Corinna is headed to Oh My God College for 2 years, then transferring to Le Moyne where she will have roomates that need roomates. How Mimi knows all this is beyond belief.
Really, did Mimi discuss CC’s plans for the future with her, or is it all about playing softball? There’s more to going to college then athletics, and most of these kids will wind up doing something other then sports when all is said and done. There are a LOT of terrific schools; again, this stuff all should have been done at least a year ago, Everyone isnt the college type. My class had 80% go to college in some capacity, but that leaves 20 percent who didnt, and its gotta come from within in regards to ones future, and parents can be a good guiding force, but what we have here is like signing up your kid for summer camp when they dont want to go, in hopes they will learn to like it once theyre there. College is way more then that. Its main purpose is to build a foundation for the career of ones choice. Plus of course going away to school is invaluable to growing up into adulthood. I recommend going away to college for at least 2 years to everyone if they have the means; the experience for me was so dramatic everyone said what a different person I was when I came home. You learn so many life skills like money management, time management, housekeeping, eating and sleeping properly, all on your own. Nobody tells you to go to class when youre in college. Its all up to you; and life afterward for many is shaped by how they handled all these things in college. Many jobs are very competitive and the good ones require a resume starting with a college degree. Even for those who fail to graduate, the life experiences gained are worth way more then the paper a diploma is printed on.
And CC has to decide what she wants to do, because you can only play softball so long (and all the other sports). Eventually the fun ends and you need to earn a living somewhere doing something.
What we Have gathered is her mom has decided that she can fend for herself without CC. Thats fine and dandy, but why spring all this on CC after she made it clear she didnt want to go? And another thing– once she’s 18, its her call on this stuff and everything else. I doubt we have time left in this storyline to explain how Mimi and her mom enrolled CC in college without her permission, but I wanna see how this turns out before CC disappears into the comic strip black hole along with the rest of the ex-players.
I gotta hand it to Thorpiverse. A clever ending (MAYBE it will end) to one of the subplots that was wallowing in the mud for several weeks may set a trend, although I am wisely not holding my breath. You’re not off the hook, T-verse. Even if it is essentially Corina’s mom who figures into this decision, I still wonder how Mimi managed to pull it off and I am not convinced (probably never will be) that some dubious quid pro quo was employed at the bargaining table. Sure, you can have her, Milford Business College, but only on a full ride and you pass the check under the table at one of the booths at The Bucket. NCAA officials eat lunch there. I wouldn’t want anybody to know how I got new uniforms for my Lady Mudlarks. Oh, and she transfers to a PAC-12 school of her choice at the end of her 2-year sabbatical. I’ll pay for the Bucket Shakes.
And face it, Corina has too much talent to let it go to Mudlarkland and I personally endorse the move. It’s not the move per se that I question, just the modus operandi. When Mimi has been non-existent as a coach and Corina was practically running the team, it makes the strings that Mimi was pulling that much more ridiculous. Let me lounge on the verandah with Gil, OH CRAP Corina hasn’t settled on a school!!!!!!! Gil, I have to make a few phone calls. Damn!!!!!!! Where’s my cell phone? In the kitchen by the toaster???? Who put it there???? I’ll talk with Keri about moving Mommy’s stuff!!!! Now what was the number of Powell College Athletic Department again? I lost the slip of paper. I think the dog ate it.
Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer
“O.J. To Set Aside Sizeable Donation To Milford Business College; Most Earmarked For Athletic Fund!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“Man, when they got Corina to join the ranks, that’s when I decided to make the direct deposit. With her on board, they’re Final Four, fer sure.”
And I’ll overlook Mimi’s smarmy smug mien she is exhibiting in front of Corina, even if Mimi really has nothing to get cocky about. She really wasn’t even a catalyst as she just opened the doors for the drug lords executing the drug deal and maybe got half a kilo for being the flunky and part-time watchdog for any potential sting operation on the horizon. But she really didn’t speed up the transaction before the Milford Police busted down the doors nor was she directly involved in the operation per se. Just get the number of the athletic director/The Sopranos and just kick back and relax. Hell, I could have gone to the Milford Phone Directory on my kitchen counter and done the same thing. I bet The Sopranos have a listed number. The point is, Gil has been engineering deals like this for 60 years. He’s opened more doors than that doorman on That Thing You Do. At least the doorman had a better clue on what he was doing and got Guy Patterson to the Milford Jazz Club on time.
But then you have the Exploding Mouth Syndrome. Now if it’s Exploding Eyeball Effect, the worst that happens is you just have to locate your eyeball on the ground, sort of what you would do if you lost a contact. But I shudder to think if your mouth explodes. How do you look for your lips? Or cheekbones? And do you puke to add insult to injury? Not that I blame Corina for wanting to watch her expectorated mandibles all over Mimi’s MTV shirt. I know Corina is expressing her dismay at her life suddenly being planned out the next few years but can we keep her tongue and her upper palate on the inside? She won’t need a mouth guard at the rate she’s going.
Then there’s the trees. They finally look like trees, not a graduate student project study of Jackson Pollak. But isn’t a bit unnerving to see them angled in a certain direction IN UNISON, as if they’ e listening in on the conversation.
“Yeah, tell her, Girl!!!!!!!!!!!! She ain’t yer mother!!!!!!!!!”
“You go, Mimi!!!!!!!!!!!! Time for Miss Mouth to stand on her own two feet!!!!!!!”
“You tell ‘er, Corina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jerry Pulver told Gil to shove it up his ass when he tried to strong-arm a scholarship on Jerry to Virginia Military Institute!!!!!!!!!!”
“Don’t let Corina wind up as a flagperson on Milford Highway Department!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Be careful, Mimi!!!!!!!! She may come back and take your job!!!!!! She’s halfway there now!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
A dying oak tree made that last remark, just for the record.
Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer
“O.J. Hired As Chief Consulting Advisor For Milford Business College Football Team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
sub headline
“Mr. Simpson will primarily coordinate our recruiting endeavors, particularly focused in the southern part of the country.”
So it wasn’t Mimi in the gym with the Bic pen, after all. It wasn’t even Colonel Mustard at The Bucket with the Bucket Corn Dog. It was Momma Karenna with the chunky bracelet in the conservatory signing the papers. Corina should be able to pass Professor Plum’s blow-off class at that Syracuse community college, no problem.
And just how DID Mommie Dearest Karenna manage to pull all this off? Remember the SNL episode where they did a take-off of the movie that made Joan Crawford infamous? Jane Curtin played Joan and Gilda Radnor played her daughter and I’m thinking the occasion is Christmas or her daughter’s birthday, I forget which, but Joan hands her daughter a birthday present “Well, open it up. My my, it’s a lovely gift, it’s the rest of the cube steak you didn’t finish at dinner last night.” That’s pretty much the Mommy Dearest scenario now. Here’s your graduation gift, Corina. It’s a scholarship to Milford Business College and the Milford Police have filed a bench warrant to make sure you follow through on that graduation gift. So as soon as we go home and you finish the last of the Spaghetti O’s and Hormel Beef Stew I have heated up in the microwave, start packing. You can take the rest of the cupcakes with you when you get to the dorm this evening.
Gee, I hope Keri doesn’t have the Milford Deputy Sheriff in her bedroom when she decides on a major.
And what better way to commemorate Mommie Dearest coming back into Corina’s life after Corina has been part-time coaching the Lady Mudlarks than with a classic from Blue Oyster Cult? I knew you whippersnappers would understand(ha).
Patrons at The Diner are going crazy
They’re choking while consuming corn dogs on rye
Mudlarks are hiding in the dugout, gloves cover face
Coach Thorp has turned the color of Hostess pie
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-no, no, no, no
Mom Karenna has risen from the grave
Mom Karenna has risen from the graaaaaaavvvvvveeeese
Really, now that Joan Crawford has RISEN out of Milford Public Cemetery, the next question is WHAT did Joan do to get Corina virtually out the door? She had two weeks with Mimi, you understand. Read the AAA road atlas to her when they went to visit Syracuse? Pick up the bar tab when they sat down with the CC officials at some Syracuse upscale tavern? Offer to bring her lawyer next time if the papers being signed was all Gilspeak? We’re getting the concept that Mommie Dearest was in cahoots with Corina’s 4-Year Excellent Adventure, Thorpiverse. We TWIMers are just amazed that someone who was unsteady and impoverished when she wasn’t on the scene AT ALL in Corina’s life could just walk into LeMoyne Athletic Office and sit down and sign her daughter’s life away with a minimum of discussion. Oh (slap on head) , Mimi was there. She could translate for the athletic director when Mommie Dearest balked at Corina getting shipped to Siberia for summer workouts. Don’t worry, Mrs. Crawford, somebody will be there to translate Russian when Coriba is exercising in the salt mines. And she’ll eat well. There’s plenty of woods to hunt for tiger meat and water regions for sardines. Set your mind at ease, Mommie Dearest.
And we went from the fence bent at an unrealistic angle to what you would see if you were walking the premises with Mr. Bader. Don’t get too near the fence if you don’ want to get electrocuted. And the guard dogs are nearby, you wouldn’t stand a chance of jumping that baby. Shoot, not with those stubs Mimi has that is normally where your hand would be.
One afternoon while “Godzilla” from Blue Oyster Cult is playing
“Yes, Mommie Dearest made me brush my teeth with a toothpick and shower in the hog trough. Then she sent me to Milford High to be the principal.”
“How awful, Dr. Pearl!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Yes, but she really hit new lows in cruelty when I had to watch Gil in action. I’d rather eat that cubed steak.”
Mudlark Baseball has thrown away their pizza
They chain themselves to the axles of Jay’s Subs vans
The sky is filled with Powell College rejects
But Gil Thorp laughs: “Dudes, golf is in my plans”
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-no, no, no, no
Mom Karenna has risen from the grave
Mom Karenna has risen from the grrraaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvveeeee
Uh oh. The syrupy sap being spewed by Mommie Dearest in P3 is never a good sign for the victim, i.e., Corinavirus albeit it does signify that the plot, this one anyway, is mercifully coming to an end. We still have the Library Question to deal with but one problem child at a time. Put that sucker to bed and focus on the one ransacking your cabinet.
And okay, kill ’em with kindness but puh-LEASSSSEEEEE don’t do this with the library plot. Or even the Zane Pitching Project which aborted the flight just as soon as Zane took the mound. Jackie Hill, from ’70’s Thorpiverse, at least made it through the season with less baggage. And she never engaged in any verbal confrontation over the Library Reading Room that I’m aware of.
Anyhoo
“Come, we’ll talk about reducing library hours to one hour a day at my house. My wife cooks a mean batch of chitlins and Brussel sprouts.”
Or
YOUR MOTHER LAMINATES LIBRARY CARDS IN HELL
THE POWER OF GIL COMPELS YOU
“Whew, I feel better. And I’m willing to allow the magazine section to reopen if you’ll allow for pay toilets. God knews, we need the tax revenue.”
Or
“Maureen, do you think we should have 3 or 4 librarians on staff?”
“Oh, definitely 4. Can I pour you some more coffee?”
Get this damn thing over with. I’m running out of ideas.
“And Milford beats Oakwood on a walk-off pitch single. Mom Karenna has truly risen from the ashes. I’ll be back with final stats in a moment as Milford wins, 6-5. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”
“Man, Mom Karenna sure knows how to come through in the clutch. And Corina was not too shabby herself as she contributed 7 ribbies. She’ll make a swell roommate at Milford Business College. Go Typewriters!!!!!!!!!!
But i’m not here at the mike to talk about Joan Crawford and her Daughter With RBI’s To Match Her Attitude. Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and we are getting some hurtful, malicious, and inaccurate commentary from The Bucket about our Wink Martindale statue up front. Not only did they lose their case at the Milford Beverage Commission Ad Hoc Committee hearing but now they’re throwing darts and Bucket Shakes at a revered game show host memorialized by many here in Mudlarkland. Shoot, it’s any day now that he has a star on Milford Walk of Fame. When you can’t remember to bring that extra case brief that might have won them a license in front of an ad hoc committee comprised of 3 members who work for a living, a garbage truck driver, a beautician, and a CPA, naturally you’re going to throw Bucket Fries at your competition.
They charge that we are paying a luxury tax on the statue and passing the cost onto the customers. They’ve been watching one too many Jokers’ Wild episodes. Why would we want to bilk the hand that feeds us when we get enough customers taking pictures of a venerable institution while they’re shopping for that Jim Beam Orange Whiskey for a Wink-friendly $11.99 after you’ve used our coupon? Shoot, Japanese tourists take a family photo with ol’ Wink before they come in and purchase their 12-Pak 12 fluid ounce Michelob Ultra Organic Seltzer and Ritz Toaster Chips.
They say we don’t do upkeep on the statue and the patina is beginnig to contort Wink’s visage and make him look like Ernest Borgnine. Apparently, the employees at The Bucket never saw The Dirty Dozen. But that’s what happens when you lose winnable cases because you watch too much Romper Room. We have a fully-staffed maintenance crew that cleans the toilets AND keeps Mr. Martindale as shiny as one of the statues at Promontory Hall at The White House. That’s why we can charge $25.99 for Crown Royal Peach and still afford to be a beacon in the storm. The Bucket legal team is hiding in the lighthouse.
And The Bucket also continually insists that it can obtain its own statue. Why, we can erect a statue of Pat Sajak in the drive-in area and sales would increase threefold. Yeah, right, and where are you going to stick Vanna White? By a non-smoking booth? We’ll be charging our faithful customers $21.99 for a 30-Pak, 12 Fluid Ounce of Busch Light while you call the building engineer and get the estimates. I hope they stay within the bounds of Milford Building Code regulations.
Folks, you know what you want to be when you grow up. You don’t need to go through an ad hoc committee here to experience The Good Life. Come get your great booze at great prices and get a great picture of you and Wink to boot and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”
I’m telling you, Mom Karenna has risen from the grave, no matter you say, Gang. Now eat that cube steak before it gets cold.
And God bless you, Gang.
At the Harvard Lecture Hall
“I’d rather be out on the golf course, Kingsfield.”
“Mister Thorp, step forward please.”
Gil Thorp comes to the front
“Mister Thorp, here’s a dime. Call your mother and tell her there is serious doubt about your ever becoming a coach.”
Gil goes back, ready to leave, then turns around at the halfway point
“You’ve been spending too much time at Milford Public Library, Kingsfield!!!!!!!!!!!”
Gil is about to leave
“Mr. Thorp, return to your seat. That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said in 60 years.”
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