For They March Out To Bastille Day-Oh, It’s A Milford Pep Rally. Never Mind.

Oh, brother. Gil, we know you’re trying to have Marjie’s back because she’s a Boswell for your perpetual youth movement that’s been interrupted occasionally by a few championship teams that actually had leaders who had actual addresses, but puh-lllleeassee, don’t confuse Marjie’s Milford Middle School 7th-grade journalism with Grantland Rice.

“Coach Thorp said it wasn’t polite to point. Coach Thorp said his football team will do good. Coach Thorp said he is proud of his team. He says they work hard. He says they eat lots of sandwiches. He says they are the sheet. He says they’ll win the confferance. He says he doesn’t know where Tiki lives at.”

…will do WELL, Kiddies. And you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.

Gil, the only time Marjie showed up was when she asked about your practice habits and you practically shut her up with a sloppy joe. You had her singing “Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener” by the time the ambulance hauled Sam Finn off to the Milford Minor Emergency Clinic. Yeah, Gil, you got a lot done that day. Finn was laying on one of those flatboards with a fan blowing on him in one of the 1,548, 396 rooms a minor emergency clinic has at its disposal and you fattened the sacrificial cow with Manwiches. Another day at the office.

Oh, I forgot, she came to your office because she was concerned about the LEFT SIDE of your office. Everything on your right side was fine, championship memorabilia at its finest, e.g., Gil posing with Jerry Pulver for the State Championship, Gil sitting next to Whitey Herzog at the counter in a St. Louis bar, one of those with the Budweiser sign shining brightly, Arkansas being able to locate it, etc.

But the left side is a disaster. You posing with Jamie and Keri after they won the Pre-K Division at Milford Mini-Links? Your bowling trophy you won at the Milford Lanes raffle? The Speaker of the Year plaque garnered at the Milford Lion’s Club Luncheon? Rubik’s cube from the Milford Athletic Club Silent Auction?

Hard-hitting journalism at its finest. Marjie, if Tiki and his roommate Fleming don’t win an ESPY, it’s a crime.

 

Milford students at the fire

Catering is at the hire

Burn the deadwood into ash

Yell that Oakwood’s just a buncha trash

 

For they march out to the Rally Day

Homework left in their locker for a spell

They just shout out all the expletives

This rally’s short a second coming of Hell

 

After attending my local university’s men’s soccer match the other day and walking by the Port-o-Lets in the university’s football stadium’s parking lot where I parked my vehicle

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“EPA Shuts Down Portable Toilets At Milford Football Stadium After Neighborhood Associations Complain Of Stench Pervading The Streets!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Floral cited roses with stunted growth and azalea bushes budding well into June; ‘No more jalapeno peppers on Ducey’s sloppy joes PLEASE. The rhododendrons are dying’.”

 

PRE-SEASON PREVIEW? Mimi, since WHEN has Marjie Ducey worked for Street & Smith? Yeah, their Valley Conference Football Roundup Edition. I’d LOVE to see the Predicted Order of Finish. I’ve been losing sleep over where New Thayer is going to wind up in the standings. We know Oakwood is going to get burned at the stake so you can save your Manwich-stained pen on that one. Again, she has come in and asked only about 2 questions that have amounted to anything and that ain’t saying much. They were of the “Bigger than a bread basket” variety. All she was doing was rubber-stamping Gil’s pomposity when she wasn’t feeding from Gil’s trough. Chris Berman didn’t ask Joe Torre if the left side of Yankee Stadium was going to be a factor this year. Sure, Chris, after we gave Derek Jeter Blu-Blocker glasses, he found out that the right side of Yankee Stadium wasn’t Yellowstone. Tore the cover off the ball after that. Andy Pettite started throwing strikes after we moved the left side of Yankee Stadium out of the subway. Want another Happy Meal?

Then there’s The Boss (A moniker he hated, BTW, and still does) putting his arm around Mimi. Is Bruce still married? I can see the matchup

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rumors Intensifying Over Possible Love Tryst Between Mimi And Springsteen!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“All I said was ‘Darkness on the Edge of Town’ was lovely; all of a sudden we’re drinking out of the same Bucket Vanilla Shake, according to Marty.”

 

In Mimi’s room

We make love while Gil’s at practice

Roll in the sheets and play basketball

Lost at a game of H-O-R-S-E

 

She’s so fun

Better than the time with Dr. Pearl

Had to give her CPR

And lots of Mountain Dew to sit up

 

There’s a sadness

In her pretty face

A face without a team

From which no

Man

Can

Shoot

Free

Throws

True

WE KISS

And the blood rushes through my veins…

 

“Candy’s Room” is the name of the tune if you whippersnappers want to catch the rest of Bruce’s tune. I have some Gil-slaying still to do.

 

Gang, I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt and say that in P1, Gil did NOT leave his washing machine in the middle of the road, let alone park it perpendicular to the street. I will stick my neck out and say that the line is an elongated parking lane produced by a Milford Traffic Department employee who went a little overboard with the Pittsburgh Paint Off White and that washing machines have no tail lights. But only this one time.

 

Okay, you whippersnappers, here we go again with another dose of Rush

 

Ooooohh, there’s no bread, let them eat cake

There’s no end to what players partake

Sloppy joes and bar-b-q ribs

Load your plate from the corn cob cribs

 

For they march out to the Rally Day

Concession stand is shut down for the night

All the anger spewed from players and fans

Marjie taking notes after one more bite

 

Then there’s P2. How many times do I gotta tell The Omega Man that these nocturnal albino creatures are just going to start some shit at these pep rallies? We have enough on our plate without worrying about someone who really needs to be in a zombie movie when he’s not harassing Charlton Heston who’s only trying to finish his Bucket o’ Pasta and Frankfurters at the deserted Bucket (hey, it’s sci-fi, work with me) . Can’t our nocturnal nemesis please transfer to The Shining? Oh, wait a minute, it’s just Gil who had his eyes taken out by some voodoo witch when Gil cut his son from the freshman team. Thank God Mimi is there to be a seeing-eye dog. And I think if you extend the right hand of fellowship and give these nocturnal creatures a plate of corn dogs, they should settle down. Milford City Police won’t have to utilize their riot gear that way. A win-win situation.

 

Mimi, don’t you play with the students or your playing with fire.

So the students own some land down on Mudlark Lake, next to St. John Wood.

 

Sorry, Mimi, I tried to fit a Thorpiverse square peg into a Rolling Stones round hole. I honestly tried.

 

One more time, Gil and Mimi, MARJIE SUCKS.

Can you not get the hint? Marjie’s journalism belongs in the Thrifty Nickel or in one of those handouts on Winnebagos you see at the Milford Truck Stop. She stops in for a cup of coffee and sloppy joes, writes about the camper with garage space and a wide-screen TV based upon what we’ve seen from her the last few days and you got the nerve to make it sound like she travels with the team. Gil, she occupies the lower level that Bugs Bunny resides in year-round, then when she sees her shadow, she gets her pad and Paper-mate, writes a ballad about team-depending-on-season, then goes back home to hibernate until the winter season. Even the blob in the background will attest to that. Sheesh, it looks like it’s already DEVOURED Oakwood.

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Files EPA-Approved Restrictive Usage Order Through Cochran For Bonfire Rally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Whheewwwieee, man, you oughta smell the linen closet in my condo after they burn them wieners when the Port-a-Potties are nearby; one night I had to go to Milford 7-11 to get a case of Glade after the Tilden Rally.”

 

Gang, the signs haven’t changed in 60 years and they are about as original as something a Romper Room graduate would paint on their placards. “Fire it up”???????? “Toast Oakwood”???????? C’mon, this isn’t school spirit, not with lukewarm cliches that some struggling comedian was using in “Punchline.”

“Stick those marshmallows on a stick and burn their asses!!!!!!!!!!”

“Coach Andrews uses Marjie’s steno notes for toilet paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Roast Oakwood next to the dead pig, there’s room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oakwood stinks like this Port-a-Pot I’m sittin’ in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Eat my shorts and jump on a pile of cow manure when the moon is full and the Labor Day Telethon brings out the 1,000,000th kid, probably the son of Oakwood parents, to get on his hands and knees for one more donation…”

Okay, someone ran wild with the last one. I can’t control the fanatics, sorry.

But THOSE are signs sure to intimidate!!!!!!!!!! School spirit will be at fever pitch and the Mudlarks are sure to coast to victory over Oakwood, even with Gil’s inept coaching. in the bag, folks.

 

Lessons taught, but never learned

Effigies of Tod Andrews burned

Guide the Mudlarks by the past

At the 3rd quarter, the mould was cast

 

For they march out to the Rally Day

La Guillotine claimed Gil’s bloody hair

Hear the students cry “ol’ Oakwood stinks!!!!”

Riots in Milford’s streets, the ‘Larks’ bill of fare

 

If ya lit one too many matches and the the fire starts ragin’ outta control and it sets the Port-a-Potties a-blazin’, causin’ the EPA to shut down the event because the agency notates that it smells too much like yore bloodhound’s dog house after you notated on a signboard “Oakwood eats squirrel meat for breakfast!!!!!!!!”, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Ooooooookkkkkk, here’s a recipe sure to please at your next bonfire and/or football pre-season picnic

Turkey Cordon Bleu Casserole

Prep time, 20 minutes, give or take 8 minutes, depending on how long it takes Coach Shaw to shoot the turkey in some woods on Mr. Green Jeans’ property

2 cups uncooked Milford IGA Elbow Macaroni (or Kraft for those of you who can afford Hadley Venom as a lawyer)

2 cans (10.75 ounces apiece) Milford IGA Condensed Cream of Chicken Soup, undiluted, straight from Gil’s distillery he hides from the police behind Tiki’s cave

3/4 cup 2% milk

1/4 cup Bucket Parmesan Cheese, freshly ground after the Italian sausage got washed off the grater

1 teaspoon French’s Mustard

1 teaspoon paprika

1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary, crushed after the cat and Gil’s kids walked on the dead bush

1/4 cup garlic powder

1/8 teaspoon rubbed sage, better when it’s the freshest rubbed, as from Marty’s goatee, especially when he’s at the mike railing at Gil

2 cups cubed cooked turkey

2 cups cubed fully cooked ham, freshly shot from Gil at a slaughterhouse because he’s too lazy to hunt in the woods with Coach Shaw

2 cups shredded Bucket Part-Skim Part-Spiked Mozzarella Cheese

1/4 cup crushed Ritz Crackers (depending on number in line at picnic)

 

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cook macaroni as per Bucket signage by the freezer door.

Meanwhile, whisk together soup, milk, Parmesan cheese, mustard, and seasonings, careful not to let Marty’s goatee hairs slip into concoction.

Drain macaroni in the sewer extension located in the back parking lot of The Bucket; add macaroni to the soup goulash and toss to combine. Mimi’s Hamilton Beach Smoothie Blender would be divine but use your better judgment. Transfer to a greased 13 x 9-inch baking dish or 8 greased 8-ounce ramekins. Do not use Gil’s surf board, even if it’s been greased. Said cooking ware will not fit in oven and has been farted upon one too many times and would ruin the flavor of the dish. Sprinkle with crackers

Bake for 25-30 minutes, until bubbly or Bucket label from cheese disappears. Serves a football team of 120, give or take Marjie Ducey. Tell Marjie that while she’s sitting on her derriere eating the equivalent of the football team’s appetite to look up the word “ramekin”.

 

Gang, It’s all yours. I love pep rallies, having been a high school booster for ages but I’m stayin’ away from Gil. That look in his eye, I dunno…

 

HEEEEEEERTRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEE’SSSSSSSSSSSS JOHNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, shut the door. Stop worrying, I’m heading down the hallway to the studio now. I promise nothing but positive things about the team. Nothing about your hair or eyes.”

 

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Lazy Summer Into Lazy Fall

As the dog days of summer wind down, it’s hard to avoid feeling lazy.  That goes for me as well and, apparently, it goes for Neal Rubin too.

Gil dodging Marty’s bullet with a snarky retort? Lazy. Marty airing the snarky retort unedited? Lazy. Gil and Mimi having a laugh at Marty’s expense? Lazy. (Carefully placing a lemon wedge on the rim of your Long Island Iced Tea? Not lazy.) A middle-aged Milford man living vicariously through the sports successes of his child? Lazy.

This time it looks like that kid might be Jaxon Kiser. Maybe Darby finally gave up and put him up for adoption. His new dad gave him the more mundane name “Charlie” but, recognizing his birth mom’s athletic prowess, has pinned his hopes on the kid.

Are You Sure They’ll Vote Me A Full Member At Putt Putt? Because Hadley Was Accepted Unanimously.

…who went to the March Hare who was having trouble with his hip rotation no matter how much Alice insisted he should swing his hips before full extension of his arms who ran over the Mad Hatter when Tiki caught the bomb at the 10-yard line and the Mad Hatter got called “Toast” cuz he wuz always gettin’ burnt at Free Safety who was going to The Queen to get her to sign a deposition and when Tiki moved into her personal toilet, she exclaimed “Off with his head!!!!!!!!” who saw Gil teach Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum how to putt who went to The Bucket afterwards for a beer after The Queen finally force the Milford Beverage Commission to relent after threatening to send the Royal Guard to the board members’ houses and sodomize their children who said to Gil after spilled a Bucket Strawberry Shake on The Queen “Off with his head!!!!!!!!” who…

Gang, are you as confused as I am trying to keep up with all these plots this summer? The golf plot last year was asinine and stupid but we at least stayed the course, pursuing to the bitter end 3 bozos disguised as Greg, Peter, and Bobby trying to put it to our heroes by faking their scores to Tiger Woods-Jack Nicklaus proportions only to predictably get their comeuppance in the end. C’mon, does anyone think any different? Yeah, a scout saw the leaderboard, called an agent and those bozos were at Augusta the next year with Sam Snead and Arnold Palmer.

But again, we were single-minded in our farcical pursuit of the truth. This year, if you’re not careful, Tiki will lose his man again and trip in the little pool where Hadley Venom is forced to take a drop and try to keep her par at the Drawbridge segment at Milford Mini-Links. Hey, Miniature Golf is a challenge. She needs to challenge her mind to keep it sharp when she has to go over to Mrs. Kravits’ house to inform her that she is wanted as a witness when Tiki is moving in with Samantha and Darren.

Be that as it may, no sense in beating this in the ground and losing our way in the final analysis, you whippersnappers are going to have to bear my love for Black Sabbath with a CLASSIC, Volume 4 the name of the CLASSIC, and a CLASSIC tune off that album, “Wheels of Confusion”. Ozzy, Tony, Geezer, Bill, it’s all yours

 

A month ago I wandered through this plot

On the field or shanking on the golf course

Lost in depostions with no fear

Touch football and torts were all I knew

 

It was an illusion

 

“…there’s a killer on the road,

His brain is squirmin’ like a toad…”

Oh, it’s just Gil driving the golf cart, Jaquan ridin’ shotgun. My Doors moment has come and gone.

 

And to be fair, I think it’s wonderful that Jaquan can be accepted with an overwhelming show of support.

That wasn’t the case many years ago when blacks were subjugated to abuse and second-class status and just flat-out banned from the golf courses all over the country. And in the ’70’s, a time when I was in my teens, you’d think that people would know better.

But a black man named Frazier Vance was golfing at a golf course in Madisonville, Kentucky and was with a foursome enjoying themselves when a couple of golf officials came up to Vance and said

“Get off the golf course.”

And of course, Vance asked in consternation “Why?”

“Because you’re black.”

Naturally, the golf course covered for these 2 roaches by saying to the effect that Vance didn’t have his stage pass. Shame on the people who tolerated this kind of behavior and tried to rationalize it later on.

Frazier Vance, ya done good for the community, My Friend. You taught a lot of people, black and white, the game of golf, your one true passion and love. You made them better people as a result. You did not deserve this. Rest In Peace.

I just love this parade of Blob and his family members in P1. Yup, when they’re not devouring half the populace of Milford, they’re out on the back nine for a relaxing round. Just don’t dip that shoulder, Mrs. Blob, when you’re teeing off. It probably explains why you’re smackin’ everything to the right.

And upon closer inspection, those are GOLF bags and GOLF clubs in the back of Gil’s golf cart. Not the Diet Coke and Mountain Dew canisters I originally conjectured. What Fanta Strawberry Surprize canister has a putter sticking out of its spout? Might help to get another appointment at Milford Optical. And that’s Blob Jr. at the Hot Wheels steering wheel about to approach #8 to tee off. I think we got this all sorted out. Whew!

“…who told the Lobster and the Mock Turtle that they had to get their physical turned in if they wanted to play flag football this year cuz The Queen challenged Gil and Mimi to a match of croquet and when Gil nailed his Titleist on The Queen’s bocce ball and sent it through the wickets and landed on The Bucket’s juke box and it started playing Red Sovine’s Hit Parade, The Queen exclaimed “Off with his head!!!!!!” who went with Hadley Virtueless and the Ace of Spades to Milford High School and told Ms. Rizk that she’d have to go to court and appear before Judge Judy if she wanted to recover her typewriter and not pound on the Dormouse’s buttocks for an editorial who…”

P2-“…the 35 and 3/8 members were so impressed with your singing “The Lobster Quadrille”, especially when you were shoutin’ above the back-up band, Uriah Heep, that they want you to join Fish-Footman, The Knave of Hearts, and Member-Guest as a foursome in the Milford City Tournament next week. With a generous handicap and a few tips to The Cheshire Cat from yours truly, you oughta be a cinch to win. How ’bout it?”

I’d be thinkin’ hard on that one too. Member-Guest blew a couple of putts down the stretch last year and if he can’t survive the pressure, I’d be like Jaquan and go for Willie Mays. He’ll hit it long anyway. And did you see The Catch on the fairway on #5 last year? That just clinches it. Mays is in.

Soon the golf balls changed to ugly pigskins

Figuring out just didn’t come so easy

Gil was more than fairy tales and tap-ins

Dog-Leg Left was just another word

It was an illusion

If ya gotta put a ton of tape around yore flamingo cuz ya got a swingin’ bunt the last time up at the plate in the Major Modified Industrial Men’s League Thursday Night Blue Dot softball at Milford Sports Park but ya don’t wanna git called out fer an altered bat cuz ya crammed sum steel fillers ta cause the poor flamingo ta poop on home plate and piss off the umpire cuz he’s gotta brush the damn stuff off, ya might be a redneck.

“…who asked Gil if he could borrow his Grecian Formula because it wasn’t doing him any good, judging by P2 and Bill the Lizard needed it for those 2 hairs sticking out of his bald head and his fiance said that goatee was enough to make a dog laugh, or so she learned from Elviney and Loweezy  at the gossip fence and that Jaquan and Snuffy Smith needed to use Grecian Formula on their scuzz if they weren’t going to shave it off with a Poulan and Marty Moon needed some Quaker State 10W-40 for his own facial hair if he was going to get romantically involved with Peaches again and go to Milford Men’s Clinic to take care of that croquet stick in his crotch who said that Shermy and Schroeder and the Cheshire Cat said Lucy needed to quit saying that Gil and Linus are wienies…

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Wins Sudden Death At Milford Country Club, Takes City Tournament Title!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“When Member-Guest said something about my mother on #17, Man, that just fired me up.”

And glory be, HADLEY VICTORIA NATIONAL CAN GOLF!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just what we need, another plot to add to the fire. Thorpiverse, I hate to break it to you but if you’re going to mastermind the M.A.S.H. format that worked well for that show, i.e., 2-3 mini-plots interweaving in the span of half an hour and ingeniously bringing closure by the time the closing theme rolled around, you only have ONE MONTH until September before the football plot arises from the dead. You can’t just push the season back and try to shoehorn Jaquan’s mammoth drives on the fairway and Hadley Venom’s putting on the steps leading into the Milford Municipal Court and sign depositions and contracts to have Gil dumped behind Milford Beverage Warehouse and Tiki able to attend Algebra II at Milford simultaneously and Tiki needing lessons from Heather on how to cover a Pop Warner League player on a slant and Mr. Baxendale needing Hayley’s M-O because the prescription at Milford Apothecary ran out when he was gorging in Spaghetti-O’s while lecturing his daughter to marry Robert Brady and be done with it because there were already kids and if she was going to be an on-the-go lawyer, Alice could take care of the kids at soccer practice and still be able to do the laundry. Did I leave out anything?

One month? Lotsa luck.

So we found that there’s too many games

And we know there’s never been a winner

We’ve tried so hard, the summer’s been a loser

Golf carts still be driving once August exits

This plot’s an illusion

And we can safely say without fear of contradiction that after going back and forth between and P1 and P3 and performing the same for several minutes that the people in the golf cart behind Gil and Jaquan are NOT the Frog-Footman and his Member-Guest, let alone a dozen of them, but Mimi and Hadley V. presumably in their own conversation.

“Hell, yeah, if you can shoot through the drawbridge like that and putt like Tiger, you oughta give up your law career and make a career out of Milford Mini-Links.”

“I still need to talk with Jaquan about it first. BTW, you got $15 dollars? There’s the Pepsi Man over by the tree.”

And what is the purpose of Jaquan’s putter overlapping onto the website in general? Did it ever occur to Thorpiverse to move both gentlemen caught up in a tender moment 2 feet over? We KNOW that that is a putter Jaquan has on his person, it is not necessary to be concerned that the audience might think it’s a cattle prod. Move them doggies on the greens, makes sense to me. It’d work better than Hadley Venom’s crooked cattle prod that she’s using to sink her putt and get a birdie when she’s not sticking Elsie the Cow back in the pen. Nice shorts, Mimi, incidentally. Tres chic.

“…and the White Rabbit shouted to Hadley Vacuum Cleaner “I’m late!!!!!!! I have a golf match with Mimi and The Queen!!!!!!!!” as the White Rabbit scurried  to Milford Dollar General to buy a matching outfit just like Mimi’s in P3 who saw Coach Kaz talk to the Dodo who suggested a Caucus Race where Tiki could run the plot in circles and there would never be a winner and he would get dizzy and feel like Marty Moon at Milford Lounge during Onion Rings and Bud Lite Happy Hour who saw Peaches wear Mimi’s golf shorts and they were several sizes too small so she told the Merlin the Magician to transform them into a more comfortable size even though Merlin the Magician came from another story but what else is new when you’re trying to figure out this plot you might as well be trying to figure out The Queen’s croquet swing who told Caterpillar to quit stealing Bobby Howry’s hookah he could smoke his own Bel-Airs thank you very much who told Paul Harvey…”

“And Hadley V. sinks another one!!!!!!! The woman’s en fuego today. We need to take a break before she tees off again. You’re listening to WDIG radio, a division of Lear Field Sports. This is Marty Moon and we’ll be right back.”

“Hello, this is Dr. Pearl speaking for Milford Funeral Solutions. Did your pet just recently die? Have you ever thought about pet cremation?

I know when a few of my hamsters died at our hatchery at Pearl’s Incubating Industries that we needed to get peace of mind and none too soon. Dumping them in the trash can along with that bad Banquet Frozen Dinner Turkey Tenders and Mashed Potatoes would have been inhumane and Betsy and Myrtle and Bernie and Gus were too docile and sweet without their Last Rites.

That’s when my husband and I decided to take a momentous step and talk to the good people at Milford Funeral Solutions. They gave us our choice of ministers, priest, rabbi, or licensed preacher, and the kind of service to perform, Traditional Latin Mass, 3 hymns and a homily (“Just As I Am”, “Victory in Jesus”, and “When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder”) or a more open celebration, giving the audience to relate their favorite moment with Gus or Myrtle. Sometimes a catharsis is the way out.

We were exposed to all the cremation techniques, ways that would be effective in facilitate their transition to the Walls of the New Jerusalem while transcending the Wheels of Fire. We chose the Match-Lite Fluid w/ Black Diamond Matches in Gas Oven method and we were none the wiser for it. We were even able to spread their ashes in Mudlark Lake as a special touch. Believe me, when I saw Bernie’s remains being dropped from the rowboat into the deepest part of Mudlark Lake, I had to hold back the tears.

Why go anywhere else to have your Lassie or Mr. Ed sent through trial-by-fire? Many funeral homes don’t guarantee their work and when you’re left with Mr. Ed’s head after the rest of his ashes is in Milford Holiday Inn’s swimming pool, it’s a long trip home. The undertaker had to remove the spare tire to get to his head. And when I was a sophomore in high school, I remember reading where Chester A. Arthur’s horse wound up at Milford Glue Factory and not as an employee.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today and let them take Rin Tin Tin to the Pearly Gates in one piece. Pet cremation never had it so good.

All right, Gang, it’s your turn. Just remember, Alice took the Milford & Oakwood to The Queen’s garden and ran over her petunias which caused The Queen to exclaim “Off With Gil’s Head!!!!!!!!!!” and Coach Shaw went hunting with his sawed-off Flamingo with the rest of the playing cards…

Lost in this Plot of Confusion

Bawling my eyes out with tears

I’m full of angry delusion

Hiding in Gil’s Belvedere…

Guess Who’s Thorping to Dinner

I kept wanting to drop the Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner reference in the past but I was really trying to shoehorn it into a plot. This week probably has been the most appropriate time to do it to date, what with Ed Asner V. Baxendale putting potential son-in-law Jaquan through the wringer. Granted Ed’s wringer is as dated as the one grandma had on the washing machine on her back porch, but having gotten a hand stuck in one of those once I can attest that they can do some damage.

Speaking of damage, check out Hadley going all Malory Archer on that glass of wine at Ricozzi’s. Girl’s got some pent-up hostility working there. Don’t check her out as much as Mimi’s checking out Jaquan, though. That would be awkward. Hadley manages to steer the chat toward something Gil’s more comfortable with… sportsball. Here comes the pivot to the tale of Tiki Jansen – the one we’ve all sussed out will be about Hadley doin’ some fierce lawyerin’ to get the Jansens into Trey Davis’ house, open a satellite office of her firm in Milford, and convince the Memphis Grizzlies New Orleans Pelicans Charlotte Hornets team Jaquan plays for to move there as well.

Summer’s in full swing here. Break out your beverage of choice, sit back, relax and see how this all falls out.

Added the Ricozzi’s Pizza tag, will apply it retroactively as time permits.

Old Home Week? More Like Old Home Summer

Picking up a few of the pieces of the meet-cute backstory from yesterday. TWIM old-timers, you may want to fast-forward through this (or read this kinda summary from two summers ago).

In 2005 Jaquan Case, then playing for Bishop Tardy, was under pressure to turn pro straight out of high school. The pressure was coming from his Uncle Rudy, who was Jaquan’s guardian after the death of both of his parents, and from the sporting goods company Tronix (which would rear its head years later by sponsoring a football camp for college prospects). Meanwhile Hadley V. Baxendale, spawn of lawyers, was making her case that the Lady Mudlarks weren’t getting the perks and attention that the boys’ team was getting. Gil shot Hadley’s demands down whilst manspreading, except the one for letting the girls have the gym on a Friday night because the boys wouldn’t be using it.

After meeting Jaquan in Gil’s office (where he ducked his handler to study), Hadley decided that she needed to help Case make his case to postpone his NBA plans and go to college. With then-boyfriend Steve Luhm’s help, Hadley arranged a meeting between Jaquan, Gil, and Hadley’s lawyer father, Ed (what is it with lawyers named Ed in the comics?) who confirmed that Jaquan’s dealings with Tronix wouldn’t harm his college eligibility. Turned out Rudy could fail and Jaquan could go to college.

As a way of thanking Hadley for helping him make his case, Jaquan pulled some strings and had Tronix send new practice jerseys and game unis to the Lady Mudlarks, who proceeded to work their way through the playdowns against several teams from the Philly suburbs. What Jaquan still thought he owed Hadley is best left to the imagination.

Hello, TWIM readers. We’ve come to the point in this post where those who didn’t read through all of this will have to stand up, or sit down and scroll down the page. In fairness to those readers, we’ll now take a few seconds before we begin side two.

 

 

Thank you. Here’s side two.

Once again Gil reminds us that Milford is a man’s man’s man’s world. He can’t be bothered by such trivia as wedding dates and locations, knit hats, rally hippos, merit badges, and winning ball teams. Those spatula-shaped second-degree burns on the back of his hand might bother him, though.

Oh look, another old character pops in this summer to make us forget about golf.  This time we don’t have to go back a decade and half but only a few months to revisit the tale of Tiki Jansen. You’ll recall Tiki was a New Thayer football player who wanted out of New Thayer because he was being bullied there, so his fam rented an apartment in Milford to give him a fake address and let him play there. Looks like the Jansens are keeping up this charade but the MHS School Board has no interest. How do these plot lines come together? Probably by letting Hadley get in some pro bono work.

I Like Mike-And Jaquan Too.

I think it is a safe bet that we will not see a golf ball, let alone a golf course in the next, oh, 18 panels (approximately 6 strips, in other words-egad) , not as long as Gil is modeling on a billboard for Bacardi Rum.

As several of our readers have mentioned, we have switched gears and are subjected to a crash course in the NBA. Just don’t expect to see Kareem, Magic, Dr. J. or Bird to appear in this Love Story wannabe.

“Here, Preppie, here’s the ball back. You got it all over my hot dog. Goddam, Preppie, the mustard stains will never come out of this blouse. Watch your passes!!!!!!!!”

Nope, we will probably go a month taking a tour of the NBA and only see Jaquan and Hadley Venom writing their 1000-words-or-less essay on how they met each other. You might wanna pull up a chair on this one. You know how home movies drag out.

On July 28th, at the 458th word

“So then he said, ‘Sure, I’ll autograph this Spalding for you. Anybody in this section got a pen?’ Then he slam-dunked on Moses Malone and dedicated it to me as a token of our vows we made with each other.”

And to think, there’ll be basketball in July to bunk the golf plot in order to boost the ratings of the readership. Boy, aren’t you excited? Why slog through another month of My Three Sons hacking away at MCC Golf Course on #5, Par 4, Dog Leg Right when you can watch 24/7 of the NBA mixed in with Jaquan Barrett IV and Hadley V. Cavalieri talk about how they got romantically involved on the S.S. Minnow while Gilligan and the Skipper engineered the whole crowd off the deserted island. And to think, it was because The Professor suggested to The Skipper to plug the hole with one of Jaquan’s shirts. It was long enough.

 

If ya git drunk with a fifth of Jack at the Milford Lounge listenin’ ta someone spill out thar guts over how they is gonna git thar shotgun weddin’ arranged at the Milford 24-Hour Chapel after meetin’ at a game of H-O-R-S-E and ya decline ta be the Best Man after the gut-spillin’ is said and done, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gil, I think you missed your calling. As mentioned previously, Chief Coach-Who-Does-No-Coaching does an admirable job posing with that Svedka, getting sloshed while listening to Jaquan ramble on about his blossoming relationship with Hadley Ventriloquist. Well, she’s practically throwing her voice in the relationship, not to mentiin in the panels.

Anyway, I hope roses don’t take this long to grow if we’re describing how long it takes for Jaquan and Hadley V. to talk about their relationship from the initial encounter to when he got down on his knees at a booth at The Bucket and proposed while she was slurping on a shake.

Hey, I got it. We could kill 2 birds with one stone. Engage another golf plot by talking about when they teed off their relationship (with the clubs and friendly words, Gang, not getting mad at each other because he was going to do a reverse slam and she got in the way) at #1, Par 3, Short Porch and culminating in when they decided to tie the knot while he is trying to dig out of the sand trap on #17, Par 5, Straightaway. To think, she became Mrs. Case while sand is flying everywhere. And he saved par.

They could talk about the Cubs’ repeat chances on #18, Par 4, Dog Leg Left since there’s time left over while Gil can get even more slushy on another Svedka. He should be sober enough to keep the club head straight with the ball. Oops, I forgot, he’s still at the MCC Bar and Grill doing his sloshing and slushing. Oh, just pretend. Gil is omnipotent, after all, if he is God. Just look at it as God portrayed as Foster Brooks.

Just think a whole month’s worth of a golf plot with “Where do I begin…etc., etc.” gently accompanying a golf plot that actually has meaning. No sense in Oliver Wendell Barrett mixing it up with punk kids. Ruins the atmosphere.

“Preppie, those teenagers need to learn some manners. And keep their hips shoulders straight when teeing off.”

 

This 4th of July, remember why we celebrate. Our Forefathers debated and argued and compromised and finally hammered out a Declaration of Independence we can all be proud of and that has more than stood the test of time. It is a model that has been emulated by governments throughout the world. Get to know this wonderful official document and your Constitution as well. Don’t let them die off in vain.

Thank you to my grandfather, Leonard Thomas Hardin, cook in the U.S Army in WWI, and my step-father, Gabriel Feltner, Jr., infantryman in the U.S. Navy in WWII, who served proudly to keep the Declaration of Independence and our Constitution alive. Please remember our Veterans in your own way to let them know it was not in vain. I always take 5 minutes a day to thank a Veteran. But do what works for you but PLEASE remember them.

Lest We Forget

 

We reach the action (in “Gil Thorp”? Talk about contradiction in terms)  part of our story in P2 where Jaquan is still in a heavy conversation with Hadley V. while running the break. Wasn’t he a center for Bishop Tardy?  I realize a lot of big men can dribble in the NBA but give us a warning, Thorpiverse. This transition from Parick Ewing when he was at Cambridge Latin to Magic on a 3-on-1 break with Worthy on one wing and Cooper on the other wing takes time to digest while we’re still getting to the bottom of “How I Met My Soulmate”.

And I realize Thorpiverse evidently doesn’t watch too many NBA games but I hate to break it to you, Thorpiverse, Jordan didn’t run the length of the floor and flip a nice dish to Pippen for a nasty flush job while negotiating with the peanut vendor for a Cracker Jack and a $10 Large Diet Coke. Oh, you owe us one, all right, Thorpiverse.

“Yeah, gimme that Mike & Ike Jelly Beans box and a Mr. Pib-NICE SHOT, PIP. WAY TO BE LOOKIN’. STILL GOT THE STROKE, MY MAN!!!!!!!!!

We now return to the game, already in progress.

 

“A bad plot brought you together?”

“After he shanked one in the woods. He told his caddy to give her an autographed program from that night. He had to take a drop after the plot landed in the algae.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Case And V. Baxendale To Exchange Vows After He Proposes At The Milford Pro-Am Biddy Ball Tournament!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Case waited until after the 3rd quarter to watch his nephew play and his coach fulfill the one-quarter-per-half rule.”

 

P3 is just leaving an opening wide enough for the Milford City Dump Inc. truck to drive through.

We don’t have one but TWO Smokemaster grills. Unless the one on the left is a picnic table with headlights. Complete with matching tortilla plates.

Did the Milford Big Lots run a special on matching His and Her’s Smokemaster Special Edition Fireball Unit?

“He’s a macho guy and wants his Polish sausage and flame-broiled angus beef grilled to perfection while they’re watching Harry and Steve negotiate the Cubs to another victory at Wrigley while she much prefers her Smokemasterette to char-broil veggie burgers while waiting for the Church Finance Committee to arrive anytime. Whatever the occasion, come hungry cuz Milford Big Lots has ya covered. And don’t forget the Kingsford, now on sale for a bargain at 8.99. A veggie burger isn’t the same without it.”

BTW, Robmize, you know I’ll never change(ha).

It appears she is at HIS grill, char-broiling the moon rocks that Neil and Buzz brought back from the moon while Gil is sipping on the Worcestershire Steak Sauce bottle. Sometimes you get wrapped up in the soap opera and pick up the wrong bottle by mistake. I’m wondering why the Bud Lite tastes funny. Anyway, Jaquan and Hadley Vermont are going to Six Flags on their honeymoon.

And finally, if you ever wondered where the word “meander” comes from, you have Thorpiverse to thank. To have gone from Chicago to Milford Country Club Golf Course to Milford Country Club Waffle House to Chicago to the poop deck in Gil’s back yard watching Mimi grill the Rice Krispies treats to anthracite coal black is a fait d’accomplait, let me assure you.

 

 

After seeing a “Clearance” sign on the storefront of Family Dollar

 

“Has someone died in your family? No better time to choke on a piece of KFC Mashed Potatoes than now.

Hi, this is Dr. Pearl for Milford Funeral Solutions. When my great grandfather died after serving proudly in the Norman Conquest, I was strapped for funds to locate an affordable casket. An administrator’s salary only goes so far.

Fortunately, Milford Funeral Solutions was there to ride to my rescue. They were backlogged with caskets in so many directions. Some were placed in the practice field of the Mudlark Football team, an Amish tent that was bought at a bargain and a dance the only thing keeping the mahogany structures from getting damaged by the elements. Nobody was dying. Everybody was taking their medicines and getting their flu shots at Milford Pharmacy.

We were able to scratch each other’s backs for a deal. They sold me a casket worthy of the Batesville Casket name, one where my great grandfather could lie in peace and still be allowed to mount his Purple Heart on his tummy. He’d had acid reflux but anyone who almost gunned down William the Conquerer with his derringer deserved the finest in funeral care without having to throw in his Winchester to cover the burial expenses.

And this week, Milford Funeral is running a BOGO special. That is correct, the Funeral Director at Milford Funeral Solutions is wanting to clear ’em out and make room for the new models coming in this week. So, rather than leave the older ones high and dry in a vacant lot behind Milford Federal Credit Union, our Ambassador in Funeral Relations has proffered this 2-for-the-price-of-one special to help both parties reach light at the end of the tunnel. If Jed Clampett accidently blew his head off while cleaning his rifle and Jethro didn’t survive the shotgun wedding, Milford Funeral Solutions knows how to ease the pain and the pocketbook at the same time. Viewing Jed and Jethro and knowing you’re only financing one of the funeral processions, an affordable cost at that, putting you in the tax bracket with the Beverly Hillbillies, if that doesn’t bring peace of mind, Elly May shouldn’t sneak in while the organ is playing “Beautiful Dreamer”.

And giving my great-grandfather the 21-gun salute while burying him with the drapeau du France draped over his pectoralis major and the Republic of France banner raised in his honor at the Milford VFW Lodge, Post 19, was a special tribute that tore my heart out but not my purse. I still had that after they named the Legion Baseball Field after him as a bonus.

When you get this kind of kindness, it is no wonder why they can clear the caskets off Gil’s hunting property just outside Milford. The buzzards are for hunting, not perched on an oak structure. Come see them today and have your own buzzards removed from your loved ones resting place.”

 

Comment away, Gang. Be forewarned that after seeing the bill of fare in P3, I am now convinced that Gil’s back yard is the only place in America where even the foreigners say “Don’t drink the water.”

 

“CUBS WIN!!!!!!!!!! CUBS WIN!!!!!!! Steve, you done with that barbecue pork chop sandwich?”

“Have at it. I can’t eat another bite. Gil and Mimi grilled enough to feed the Bleacher Bums.”

 

 

 

 

 

We Didn’t Expect The Spanish Inquisition.

On the verandah one fine lazy summer day at the Thorps

“Mimi, one of the workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and wet himself and caught pleurisy.”

Mimi puts down her Country Time Gooseberry Lemonade on the tray

“Say what?”

“ONE of the workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and wet himself and caught pleurisy.”

“Let me get a Q-tip out of my purse and clean that little bit of wax stuck in my Eustachian tube. There, that’s better. Now, come again?”

“One of the damn workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and peed all over himself and CAUGHT PLEURISY.”

“What in the world does THAT mean?”

“Hell if I know, Mimi. Damn, woman, you ask too many questions. All I said was some goddam plebe at the Milford Salt Mines who’s probably a scab went up, peed all over his Levi’s and CAUGHT PLEURISY. Lordy, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

3 gentlemen in priestly garb with gilded roods and somber capuchins jump out of the Smokemaster

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

“Gil, I think you better call the Smokemaster Man. I knew when that grill was leaking grease there’d be trouble.”

“Our chief weapons are fear, the element of surprise, ruthless efficiency and wearing a Lady Mudlark softball uniform, oh shit, let’s start over.”

Back in the Smokemaster

“Gil, did you hear this news on WDIG? You know how sleazy their journalism is.”

“Damn, Mimi, I got it straight from Marty at the Milford Lounge. I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

Same gentlemen jump out of Smokemaster with grill stains all over their robes

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!Our chief weapons are fear, the element of surprise, ruthless efficiency, and a fanatical devotion to Marty Moon’s broadcasting style, oh buggers, mate, Gil, can we try this one more time?”

“Hurry, the burgers are about to coal black on us.”

Back inside the Smokemaster

“Gil, sometimes you just don’t come through.”

“Hell, Tori, I’m not God. I just read about the salt mines on p.7 of the Milford Enquirer. HERE, RIGHT HERE next to the Milford Adult Shoppe ad. Geez, I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

3 gentlemen et al only this time a burnt offering a/k/a overdone Oscar Meyer Wiener is transfixed on one of the roods

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!!! Our chief weapons are fear, element of surprise, ruthless efficiency, and a fanatical devotion to the Pope. There, I got it right!!!!!!!”

Gil, impatient

“GET TO THE POINT!!!!!!!!!! My brats that you stepped on getting out of the grill are becoming the cafeteria food at the high school!!!!!!!!!!”

“HAH, Coach. We shall more than speed things up!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Cardano, read the charges!!!!!!!!!!!”

“You are hearby charged with heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and excessive criticism of Marty’s commentary during the Lady Mudlark Softball Tournament.”

“Thank you, Cardinal. Now Mimi, how do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We shall soon change your tune!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu, fetch the bungee cord and tie her to…..the SMOKEMASTER GRILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gentlemen, I have tunaburgers just laid on the grill..”

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! Too late, Coach!!!!!!!!!! That’s right, get the bungee cord and do your duty, Cardinal Richelieu!!!!!!!!!!”

“Can I brush on some more Heinz 57 on the tunaburgers before you…”

“HAH!!!!!!!! Too late, Co—–, er, well, we haven’t had a bite since we left New Thayer from our Reign of Terror there, just slip us a burger in our robes and I won’t tell anyone.”

“Got it. You want McCormick’s Oregano on it.”

“Why not?”

15 minutes later.

NO YOU IDIOT YOU TIED HER TO THE HANDLE THAT TUGS THE GRILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

One thing we don’t know for certain in P1 is who is in the car talking. We don’t think it IS the Spanish Inquisition, leastwise I can’t picture those 3 hooded gentlemen talking about the Inquisition in that inconclusive, vague context. Awkward? The Spanish Inqusition?

“Luhm, you’re going to have to rewax the gym floor. It doesn’t look like you even put a mop to it. The free throw line still has Fanta stains on it.”

“Oh, Hell, Gil, I didn’t expect an awkward Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMM

They jump out of the box where the slaughterballs and volleyballs and basketballs and nerfballs are stored

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Cardinal Cardano, read Mr. Luhm the charges.”

“Heresy by calling the Inquisition ‘awkward’.”

THAT’S IT?????

“Hah!!!!!!!!! Even the most minor unwitting remark is considered Sedition to the Pope!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu!!!!!!!!! Give his hair THE BUFFER!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Ooooooookkkkkkk, I’ll just take a wild stab and say that that’s Gil and Mimi in the ZZ Topmobile. Borrowing it from those 3 ladies who boogie in the “Sharp Dressed Man” video. There was a rumor floating around that one of the ladies was Dr. Pearl, who was wearing a wig to conceal her Granny Clampett beehive, evidently extra income to supplement her pittance as an administrator (Milford School Board did vote for a raise at the last Board Meeting because if the rumors were true, she’d throw out her back, after back surgery, trying to shake that thang) but the Milford Enquirer reporter couldn’t get close to the set at the parking lot behind Milford Foundry to confirm those rumors.

I DO KNOW I love to cook, following in the footsteps of my grandfather, Leonard Thomas Hardin, who was a cook in WWI, and that I’m a huge fan of The Naked Chef. Some of his recipes involve salmon.

And WE DO KNOW that that dude in P1 has the ugliest pair of black salmon that the Naked Chef could fish out of the Yukon River in Alaska. He’s stinkin’ up the porch even as I text. Unless that’s way of curing them, hanging them around his neck while he bids adieu or read the evening paper.

AND WE DO KNOW that NO ONE mounts a picture of Libra as a front vanity plate. “I’m the only Hell my mama ever raised”, sure, they’re pretty common on a lot of vehicles. Or “God, guns, and guts made America the #1 nation”, a lot of those seen on vehicles owned by, presumably NRA members or sympathizers. I don’t think Gil sticks that on his Lexus grille but maybe I need to keep up with the times.

“Tod, what a thing to say about your mother.”

“Gil, it was either that or ‘My kid beat up your honor student’. Wouldn’t look to put that on my Nova driving into the school parking lot.”

 

After viewing the worst lip-synching job known to mankind, perhaps since we left the cave sheltering the Neanderthal Man in the Middle Paleolithic Era, the bad montage, loosely speaking, of The Who performing “You Better You Bet”, and montage is being generous as it was the art project equivalent of Keith Moon being Loonie Moonie on top of John Jay or Roger Daltrey twirling the mic, barely missing FDR, the latter of which was executing his “Day of Infamy” speech, knowing my niece would have received an A- for this Elmer’s Glue cause celebre because that was the benchmark for excellence in 7th-grade art class

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Assistant Producer For The Mitch Miller Singers Fired After Gaffe At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The singers were lip-synching to The Who’s ‘Sister Disco’ instead of the intended ‘In The Mood’; fortunately, no one in the audience seemed to notice.”

 

For P2, I’m going to take the Reductio Ad Absurdum route to see if it’s anybody besides Gil and Mimi. My Intro Logic class out of high school FINALLY put to good use

“…awkward, suspicicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way? Sure.

ONE ADAM 12!!!!!!!!!! ONE ADAM 12!!!!!!!!!!!! AN ARMED ROBBERY IN PROGRESS AT MILFORD FEDERAL BY THE MILFORD GREYHOUND STATION. CALLING ALL UNITS TO PROCEED WITH CAUTUON!!!!!!!!

Well, can’t be Martin and Kent. Let’s try this again

“…awkward, suspicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way.”

“It’s the only way I know how to run an EKG on his heart. Otherwise, we’ll have to stick a tube up his anal system if we want to get an accurate reading on his rhythm. We have plenty of microsurgery tubes.”

Okay, “Medical Center” or “Emergency!!” is out.

 

“Boy, Steve, it’s bad enough smelling that Muriel at the ballpark but do I have to open up ALL THE WINDOWS????”

“…awkward, suspicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way, sure.”

Ah, I believe the standard response to that one is “Shut up and drive, Harry. We’re gonna be late. You know how the Wrigley traffic can be.”

Nope, nope, nope.

 

And to drive home the point it can’t the Spanish Inquisition themselves, they’re just being used as a metaphor

 

At the S-Mart

“Sir, the soda machine is spouting Coffee Mate out of the Diet Coke spigot.”

“What can I DO????? The Maytag Man won’t be here until this evening, he’s working on Gil’s dishwasher. Geez, I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

Coming out of aforementioned vehicle

NOBODY EXPECTS ETC. ETC. ETC.

Later

“How do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We have ways of making you talk!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Cardano, give our heretic….THE SLURPEE!!!!!!!!”

“No!!!!!! No!!!!!! Anything but that!!!!!!!! I confess!!!!!!!!! I swear on a stack of One Way’s I confess!!!!!!!!!!!”

I think we better stick with the Gil-and-Mimi theory until further notice.

 

At the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater

“…with your flashy trash pants!!!!!!!!!”

Heard among the senior citizens in the audience

“Boy, they don’t make ’em like they used to. That Glenn Miller was King in his Court.”

“I agree. That’s a unique style by Mitch Miller to help ’40’s Swing make a comeback.”

 

And as for P3, limping to the finish line, ending up dead last in the Milford Marathon

Mimi, you said it, us TWIMers didn’t. You are just rubber-stamping what we have been saying since Hoover was voted out of office. Gil is just biding his time with the Junior Golfers or Senior PGA members or the Milford 4th Grade U-11 Traveling Golf Kings or whoever he intends to “coach”. I mean, pass the tunaburgers, please. Maybe Gil might accomplish something by the end of the summer or after I down the 7th corn on the cob off Mimi’s tray, whichever comes first. We’ll see. In the interim, Mimi, do you still want that London broil on your plate?

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office

“Ms. Rizk, I must advise you that De Windt’s parents are upset about that ‘D-‘ you gave their son in Lifetime Journalism.”

“Dr. Pearl, that’s the 5th student you have failed to back me on and my patience is wearing thin!!!! Pete De Windt has not turned in his assignments, barely passed his exams, and only his project of investigating where Dr. Livingstone was living in the jungles of Africa and how he wound up with 2 illegitamate Rwandans because Dr. Livingstone couldn’t keep it in his pocket saved his grade.”

“They’re saying you never called them when Pete was in trouble.”

“What do I look like, the Milford Welcome Wagon???? Heck, Dr. Pearl, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!!”

Springing out of the 2nd drawer file cabinet

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

Later

“Ms. Rizk, you are in grave danger. Dr. Pearl tells me you have been guilty of heresy by thought. I mean, fantasies about the Pope is understandable but we have standards!!!!!!! How do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We will drive those fantasies out of your cranium and make you pledge your allegiance to Vatican City!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu, pound Ms. Rizk with…THE TYPEWRITER KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!”

45 minutes later

“No, Cardinal, dum dum, that’s the margin space key. She’ll never be properly tortured that way!!!!!!!”

 

Gang, comment away. Maybe it’s Captain Kangaroo. Nah, why would Mr. Green Jeans be discussing the Inquisition with Mr. Moose?

 

“Is that Kenney Jones up there? Didn’t he play with The Small Faces?”

“I think so. Man, he’s just as crazy as Moon.”

“No question. He’s just banging and crashing with the Singers on ‘Blues To Be There’. Only Ellington did it better at Newport.”

 

“When will they get rid of Coach T???? He didn’t even have a baseball season to speak of. You’re listening to Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports. And if I was expecting a Spanish Inquisition, I’d have been wearing my cross by now.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

Bursting out of the WDIG Director’s office

“NOBODY EXPECTS THE, oh, buggers, let’s head to The Bucket. All this terrorizing is making me hungry.”

 

 

 

 

Why Don’t We Get Drunk And Play Golf?

Here begins the summer plot with Gil and Mimi sipping refreshments on their deck. The adirondack chairs are a nice touch as are the lemon slices on the rims of their drinkware. It’s almost as if the Thorps are in an advertisement for the latest pharmaceutical. Ask your doctor if Whigrub is right for you. Be sure to tell your doctor if you are allergic to bottom shelf vodkas. Stop using Whigrub immediately if you begin to develop range balls or TCFS.

In predictable fashion, Gil and Mimi are discussing Gil’s Summer Junior Golf Program, which Gil does practically every summer after bitching that it really eats into his sitting and drinking related summer plans. It truly does seem to be a ceremonial event, hence the fancy garnish.

The transition to panel 3 raises some questions. Is this Gil and Mimi on the way to the Milford CC to kick off the Summer Junior Golf Program?  Would Gil really be concerned if they (presumably the junior golfers) would “love him”? Would Gil and Mimi be carrying on a playful conversation like this? I don’t know if that fits, so maybe there are other people in the car who have more sensitivity than GilBot and Mimi 2000.

Stay tuned.