This Week in Milford

June 25, 2019

We Didn’t Expect The Spanish Inquisition.

Filed under: ?, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, What the hell is going on here? — tdrewhardin @ 7:09 am

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On the verandah one fine lazy summer day at the Thorps

“Mimi, one of the workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and wet himself and caught pleurisy.”

Mimi puts down her Country Time Gooseberry Lemonade on the tray

“Say what?”

“ONE of the workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and wet himself and caught pleurisy.”

“Let me get a Q-tip out of my purse and clean that little bit of wax stuck in my Eustachian tube. There, that’s better. Now, come again?”

“One of the damn workers at the Milford Salt Mines went up and peed all over himself and CAUGHT PLEURISY.”

“What in the world does THAT mean?”

“Hell if I know, Mimi. Damn, woman, you ask too many questions. All I said was some goddam plebe at the Milford Salt Mines who’s probably a scab went up, peed all over his Levi’s and CAUGHT PLEURISY. Lordy, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

3 gentlemen in priestly garb with gilded roods and somber capuchins jump out of the Smokemaster

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

“Gil, I think you better call the Smokemaster Man. I knew when that grill was leaking grease there’d be trouble.”

“Our chief weapons are fear, the element of surprise, ruthless efficiency and wearing a Lady Mudlark softball uniform, oh shit, let’s start over.”

Back in the Smokemaster

“Gil, did you hear this news on WDIG? You know how sleazy their journalism is.”

“Damn, Mimi, I got it straight from Marty at the Milford Lounge. I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

Same gentlemen jump out of Smokemaster with grill stains all over their robes

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!Our chief weapons are fear, the element of surprise, ruthless efficiency, and a fanatical devotion to Marty Moon’s broadcasting style, oh buggers, mate, Gil, can we try this one more time?”

“Hurry, the burgers are about to coal black on us.”

Back inside the Smokemaster

“Gil, sometimes you just don’t come through.”

“Hell, Tori, I’m not God. I just read about the salt mines on p.7 of the Milford Enquirer. HERE, RIGHT HERE next to the Milford Adult Shoppe ad. Geez, I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

3 gentlemen et al only this time a burnt offering a/k/a overdone Oscar Meyer Wiener is transfixed on one of the roods

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!!! Our chief weapons are fear, element of surprise, ruthless efficiency, and a fanatical devotion to the Pope. There, I got it right!!!!!!!”

Gil, impatient

“GET TO THE POINT!!!!!!!!!! My brats that you stepped on getting out of the grill are becoming the cafeteria food at the high school!!!!!!!!!!”

“HAH, Coach. We shall more than speed things up!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Cardano, read the charges!!!!!!!!!!!”

“You are hearby charged with heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and excessive criticism of Marty’s commentary during the Lady Mudlark Softball Tournament.”

“Thank you, Cardinal. Now Mimi, how do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We shall soon change your tune!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu, fetch the bungee cord and tie her to…..the SMOKEMASTER GRILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Gentlemen, I have tunaburgers just laid on the grill..”

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! Too late, Coach!!!!!!!!!! That’s right, get the bungee cord and do your duty, Cardinal Richelieu!!!!!!!!!!”

“Can I brush on some more Heinz 57 on the tunaburgers before you…”

“HAH!!!!!!!! Too late, Co—–, er, well, we haven’t had a bite since we left New Thayer from our Reign of Terror there, just slip us a burger in our robes and I won’t tell anyone.”

“Got it. You want McCormick’s Oregano on it.”

“Why not?”

15 minutes later.

NO YOU IDIOT YOU TIED HER TO THE HANDLE THAT TUGS THE GRILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

One thing we don’t know for certain in P1 is who is in the car talking. We don’t think it IS the Spanish Inquisition, leastwise I can’t picture those 3 hooded gentlemen talking about the Inquisition in that inconclusive, vague context. Awkward? The Spanish Inqusition?

“Luhm, you’re going to have to rewax the gym floor. It doesn’t look like you even put a mop to it. The free throw line still has Fanta stains on it.”

“Oh, Hell, Gil, I didn’t expect an awkward Spanish Inquisition.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMM

They jump out of the box where the slaughterballs and volleyballs and basketballs and nerfballs are stored

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Cardinal Cardano, read Mr. Luhm the charges.”

“Heresy by calling the Inquisition ‘awkward’.”

THAT’S IT?????

“Hah!!!!!!!!! Even the most minor unwitting remark is considered Sedition to the Pope!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu!!!!!!!!! Give his hair THE BUFFER!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Ooooooookkkkkkk, I’ll just take a wild stab and say that that’s Gil and Mimi in the ZZ Topmobile. Borrowing it from those 3 ladies who boogie in the “Sharp Dressed Man” video. There was a rumor floating around that one of the ladies was Dr. Pearl, who was wearing a wig to conceal her Granny Clampett beehive, evidently extra income to supplement her pittance as an administrator (Milford School Board did vote for a raise at the last Board Meeting because if the rumors were true, she’d throw out her back, after back surgery, trying to shake that thang) but the Milford Enquirer reporter couldn’t get close to the set at the parking lot behind Milford Foundry to confirm those rumors.

I DO KNOW I love to cook, following in the footsteps of my grandfather, Leonard Thomas Hardin, who was a cook in WWI, and that I’m a huge fan of The Naked Chef. Some of his recipes involve salmon.

And WE DO KNOW that that dude in P1 has the ugliest pair of black salmon that the Naked Chef could fish out of the Yukon River in Alaska. He’s stinkin’ up the porch even as I text. Unless that’s way of curing them, hanging them around his neck while he bids adieu or read the evening paper.

AND WE DO KNOW that NO ONE mounts a picture of Libra as a front vanity plate. “I’m the only Hell my mama ever raised”, sure, they’re pretty common on a lot of vehicles. Or “God, guns, and guts made America the #1 nation”, a lot of those seen on vehicles owned by, presumably NRA members or sympathizers. I don’t think Gil sticks that on his Lexus grille but maybe I need to keep up with the times.

“Tod, what a thing to say about your mother.”

“Gil, it was either that or ‘My kid beat up your honor student’. Wouldn’t look to put that on my Nova driving into the school parking lot.”

 

After viewing the worst lip-synching job known to mankind, perhaps since we left the cave sheltering the Neanderthal Man in the Middle Paleolithic Era, the bad montage, loosely speaking, of The Who performing “You Better You Bet”, and montage is being generous as it was the art project equivalent of Keith Moon being Loonie Moonie on top of John Jay or Roger Daltrey twirling the mic, barely missing FDR, the latter of which was executing his “Day of Infamy” speech, knowing my niece would have received an A- for this Elmer’s Glue cause celebre because that was the benchmark for excellence in 7th-grade art class

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Assistant Producer For The Mitch Miller Singers Fired After Gaffe At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“The singers were lip-synching to The Who’s ‘Sister Disco’ instead of the intended ‘In The Mood’; fortunately, no one in the audience seemed to notice.”

 

For P2, I’m going to take the Reductio Ad Absurdum route to see if it’s anybody besides Gil and Mimi. My Intro Logic class out of high school FINALLY put to good use

“…awkward, suspicicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way? Sure.

ONE ADAM 12!!!!!!!!!! ONE ADAM 12!!!!!!!!!!!! AN ARMED ROBBERY IN PROGRESS AT MILFORD FEDERAL BY THE MILFORD GREYHOUND STATION. CALLING ALL UNITS TO PROCEED WITH CAUTUON!!!!!!!!

Well, can’t be Martin and Kent. Let’s try this again

“…awkward, suspicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way.”

“It’s the only way I know how to run an EKG on his heart. Otherwise, we’ll have to stick a tube up his anal system if we want to get an accurate reading on his rhythm. We have plenty of microsurgery tubes.”

Okay, “Medical Center” or “Emergency!!” is out.

 

“Boy, Steve, it’s bad enough smelling that Muriel at the ballpark but do I have to open up ALL THE WINDOWS????”

“…awkward, suspicious, Spanish Inquisition sort of way, sure.”

Ah, I believe the standard response to that one is “Shut up and drive, Harry. We’re gonna be late. You know how the Wrigley traffic can be.”

Nope, nope, nope.

 

And to drive home the point it can’t the Spanish Inquisition themselves, they’re just being used as a metaphor

 

At the S-Mart

“Sir, the soda machine is spouting Coffee Mate out of the Diet Coke spigot.”

“What can I DO????? The Maytag Man won’t be here until this evening, he’s working on Gil’s dishwasher. Geez, I didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMM

Coming out of aforementioned vehicle

NOBODY EXPECTS ETC. ETC. ETC.

Later

“How do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We have ways of making you talk!!!!!!!!!! Cardinal Cardano, give our heretic….THE SLURPEE!!!!!!!!”

“No!!!!!! No!!!!!! Anything but that!!!!!!!! I confess!!!!!!!!! I swear on a stack of One Way’s I confess!!!!!!!!!!!”

I think we better stick with the Gil-and-Mimi theory until further notice.

 

At the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater

“…with your flashy trash pants!!!!!!!!!”

Heard among the senior citizens in the audience

“Boy, they don’t make ’em like they used to. That Glenn Miller was King in his Court.”

“I agree. That’s a unique style by Mitch Miller to help ’40’s Swing make a comeback.”

 

And as for P3, limping to the finish line, ending up dead last in the Milford Marathon

Mimi, you said it, us TWIMers didn’t. You are just rubber-stamping what we have been saying since Hoover was voted out of office. Gil is just biding his time with the Junior Golfers or Senior PGA members or the Milford 4th Grade U-11 Traveling Golf Kings or whoever he intends to “coach”. I mean, pass the tunaburgers, please. Maybe Gil might accomplish something by the end of the summer or after I down the 7th corn on the cob off Mimi’s tray, whichever comes first. We’ll see. In the interim, Mimi, do you still want that London broil on your plate?

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office

“Ms. Rizk, I must advise you that De Windt’s parents are upset about that ‘D-‘ you gave their son in Lifetime Journalism.”

“Dr. Pearl, that’s the 5th student you have failed to back me on and my patience is wearing thin!!!! Pete De Windt has not turned in his assignments, barely passed his exams, and only his project of investigating where Dr. Livingstone was living in the jungles of Africa and how he wound up with 2 illegitamate Rwandans because Dr. Livingstone couldn’t keep it in his pocket saved his grade.”

“They’re saying you never called them when Pete was in trouble.”

“What do I look like, the Milford Welcome Wagon???? Heck, Dr. Pearl, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition!!!!!!!!”

Springing out of the 2nd drawer file cabinet

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION

Later

“Ms. Rizk, you are in grave danger. Dr. Pearl tells me you have been guilty of heresy by thought. I mean, fantasies about the Pope is understandable but we have standards!!!!!!! How do you plead?”

INNOCENT

“HAH!!!!!!!!!!! We will drive those fantasies out of your cranium and make you pledge your allegiance to Vatican City!!!!!!!! Cardinal Richelieu, pound Ms. Rizk with…THE TYPEWRITER KEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!”

45 minutes later

“No, Cardinal, dum dum, that’s the margin space key. She’ll never be properly tortured that way!!!!!!!”

 

Gang, comment away. Maybe it’s Captain Kangaroo. Nah, why would Mr. Green Jeans be discussing the Inquisition with Mr. Moose?

 

“Is that Kenney Jones up there? Didn’t he play with The Small Faces?”

“I think so. Man, he’s just as crazy as Moon.”

“No question. He’s just banging and crashing with the Singers on ‘Blues To Be There’. Only Ellington did it better at Newport.”

 

“When will they get rid of Coach T???? He didn’t even have a baseball season to speak of. You’re listening to Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports. And if I was expecting a Spanish Inquisition, I’d have been wearing my cross by now.”

BOM BOM BOMMMMMMMMMMMM

Bursting out of the WDIG Director’s office

“NOBODY EXPECTS THE, oh, buggers, let’s head to The Bucket. All this terrorizing is making me hungry.”

 

 

 

 

June 24, 2019

Why Don’t We Get Drunk And Play Golf?

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 5:53 am

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Here begins the summer plot with Gil and Mimi sipping refreshments on their deck. The adirondack chairs are a nice touch as are the lemon slices on the rims of their drinkware. It’s almost as if the Thorps are in an advertisement for the latest pharmaceutical. Ask your doctor if Whigrub is right for you. Be sure to tell your doctor if you are allergic to bottom shelf vodkas. Stop using Whigrub immediately if you begin to develop range balls or TCFS.

In predictable fashion, Gil and Mimi are discussing Gil’s Summer Junior Golf Program, which Gil does practically every summer after bitching that it really eats into his sitting and drinking related summer plans. It truly does seem to be a ceremonial event, hence the fancy garnish.

The transition to panel 3 raises some questions. Is this Gil and Mimi on the way to the Milford CC to kick off the Summer Junior Golf Program?  Would Gil really be concerned if they (presumably the junior golfers) would “love him”? Would Gil and Mimi be carrying on a playful conversation like this? I don’t know if that fits, so maybe there are other people in the car who have more sensitivity than GilBot and Mimi 2000.

Stay tuned.

June 22, 2019

Let Us Not Speak Of The Cool Again

 


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Damn Rubin, why not go for the trifecta and use “too cool” in every panel?

Since my TCFS Goes To Eleven post on May 11 the phrase has been uttered (in whole, in part, or as its abbreviation) on-panel an additional twelve (12) times not counting today. Add two more today and we get a total of twenty-five (25) “too cool”s in this arc. That horse hasn’t been beaten to death, it’s been pounded into jerky. So has the major plot point that celebrating your interests can turn into cliquishness faster than you can say a tired catchphrase.

This is what we get when we ask for a female-centered arc in Gil Thorp. And we thought we were getting somewhere with Paloma Padilla. I have nothing more to say about this nonsense; I’m off to hang with Mr. Bakst this weekend.  Hopefully when we get back on Monday they’re plotting something over cocktails at Casa Thorp that doesn’t involve balls and sticks.

20190621chas

 

June 21, 2019

Catch of the century.

Filed under: actual action, anatomically implausible, lessons learned, Mimi Thorp, softball — robmize2013 @ 6:36 pm

Are you kidding? A sure home run is snared out of the sky by a player who had to have Flubber in her shoes. Her back to the field, she jumps at least 2 feet in the air, timing her leap perfectly as she  backhands the ball into her mitt and  apparently slams into the fence hitting her midsection square. No way her momentum doesnt cause her to topple over the fence, which would mean its a home run, but somehow she stays in the field, and shows the ice-cream cone proudly. All I can say is – Wow. I never saw a high school play like that.  Nice looking arms too.

All you can do in this instance is tip your cap, and there’s no reason for the Milford girls to be so sour. They just practically had a parade for you for winning the conference despite all the distractions, and now your down because that CATCH beat you? Great job, both teams. Go enjoy your summer and all will be forgotton in 2 weeks.

Next time we see that Wellington girl will be in the NBA Slam Dunk Contest.

 

June 14, 2019

Alls well that ends well (of course we know better)

Filed under: Mimi Thorp, shadow figures, softball — robmize2013 @ 3:31 pm

Looks like the girls softball story will have a happy ending after all. No way theyre gonna blow the last game to lock up the conference. We’ve seen at most 7 games this season in 3 months. . (No I’m not gonna scroll back and check, thats for our resident statistician)

So really – nice that Mimi forgot all about the multiple distractions, and because of ONE WIN on the road no less, its all good again. Hmmm. And oh by the way, how are the boys doing? Who cares? Even Gil is warming up the lemonade maker.

***Okay– I looked back, and here’s what I found.

The girls record was 7-2. They played Oakwood twice in a row and also Tilden two straight. They lost to Madison and Tilden, who they were 2-1 against this year. 9 games in 8 weeks. Hardly very busy as most teams play about 25 games in 5 weeks.

Now they play Valley Tech again and would finish 6-2 in the conference if they win. They played 4 other teams in the conference, making it a 5-team league. Why not play Madison twice instead of Tilden 3 times? No sense. Its also not fair 1 team getting 2 home games in that series. Feel free to explain any of this.

And we havent talked about playoffs either, but who has time for that when there’s lemonade to drink?

The boys played 2 games. Total. I believe they were 1-1. Whoopee.

 

 

 

June 12, 2019

Soon It Won’t Matter Anymore

gt06122019

Called it, I think. Mimi’s weak-assed reverse psychology is about to claim an innocent victim. I half expect that David will reveal an ulterior motive for casting FUD in Linda’s head because reasons.

Style points for Linda for breaking up in person a/o/t the ghosting referred to in the comments to the above-linked strip. I suppose we should be grateful the Thorpiverse isn’t  Lynn Johnston’s Ontario in which everyone ends up with their high school sweetheart.

Dunno who this rando burger eating girl is in the foreground but with hands like that she could spell Jocelynn Brown behind the plate.

Today’s bizarre cameo: Wilbur Weston from Mary Worth in the role of David’s dad.

Today’s title inspiration is as short and sweet as today’s post.

June 11, 2019

Betcha By Golly Wow Your Team’s Gonna Suck. Good Answer, Mimi, Good Answer.

Filed under: freak hands, huge earrings, Milford Idiots, Mimi Thorp, Pointy Fingers — tdrewhardin @ 2:44 pm

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So now, with the Conference Championship and the plot, as a result, on the line, Mimi meets Linda Carr out on Main Street in Tombstone for a showdown. Better make this good, Mimi, Wyatt Earp is at The Tombstone Bucket downin’ a hard one (you know how Bucket Hard Cider Shakes can affect the large intestine) and the Clanton Boys are pointin’ a gun at the sock hop cuz The Bucket still ain’t got its Liquor License. They likely to shoot first and ask questions later. What happens when you don’t take “no” for an answer.

 

Betcha by golly wow

That your team is gonna hit the pits

Forever

 

Betcha by golly wow

That we’ll suffer through another blitz

Of volleyball

 

The group of choice, The Stylistics. They have always been one of my favorites. I dunno, that falsetto voice with a chorus behind him, plus catchy melodies that go for the throat. They got my respect and have for decades.

 

If yore volleyball team goes through another losin’ campaign cuz yore setter don’t know how ta spike a cow bladder over a clothesline and yore server scratches over the second grease stain that demarkates the dimenshuns of the volleyball court, ya might be a redneck.

 

And now I’m confused. I know that Linda was with a traveling volleyball team and that she wanted to go for the gold, literally and figuratively, by hooking up with the big boys rather than accept a full ride scholarship at Milford Community College and play volleyball there.

Fair enough. I’d say a bit overambitious but she’s a teenager learning about life. I get the feeling she will know where she stands in the grand scheme of things.

But now we have Mimi rattling off teams I have never heard of and I’m bettin’ the readership never heard of, the reasons almost having to do with Mimi convincing Linda to, what?, go full bore with the softball team? Convince her that being Michael Jordan on Milford Community College could land her as an early round draft pick in the National Volleyball Association? That Australians know more about kangaroos and dingoes than they do about volleyball? That her volleyball career is gonna crash-and-burn on Ayers Rock if she doesn’t find new friends and quit hanging around the volleyball thugs? I’m sure things will start to unfold and the Finger Math lessons that Mimi took at the Symposium for Teachers With LD in Mathematics in the interim are paying off in P1. Look at her using the Enumeration Method, reducing those volleyball teams to a status equivalent to a group of church members playing pick-up volleyball at the 4th of July picnic at Milford Park. I’ll never try to spike it down the music minister’s throat after Mimi has reduced volleyball to ashes.

Just don’t let those volleyball thugs spray paint YOUR volleyball net or badminton net, if the former is still in the garage and is buried somewhere under the riding mower, in your front yard. Might wanna call the Sonitrol man on that one.

 

There’s a spark of ennui before my eyes

Apathyland appears so bad, I cry

Never thought this fairy tale would cease

Mimi’s calculator endows me with state of peace

This plot’s “Police Squad” in disguise

Full of bull that’s homogenized

 

Betcha by golly wow

Linda will go back and spike it up Gil’s derriere

Betcha by golly wow

Mimi will be watching, learning to design another play

 

Ooooooooookkkkkkkkk, so before we leave P1, I’m still not satisfied with who these teams are that Mimi is listing, though I THINK they’re the local yokels Rockville will be playing in their quest for another conference title and, perhaps, Linda’s chance at a spot on the U.S. Olympic team.

“Yeah, sure, I think the Pirates have a chance at the NL East Title if they can get “Pops” Stargell off the DL. And with Trout and Sutcliffe, the Cubs ought to be right there with them. Man, speaking of Mudlarks in the dumpster, why did the Cardinals EVER trade Hernandez???? That was worse than the Carlton-for-Gil trade. I think Dr. Pearl was the GM at the time. What did they get in return??????  Henry “Hank” Finkel, Joe Sharkey, and a bunch of volleyballs. Yeah, I know the Cardinals are stingy with their money but look what happened. Finkel went on to the Celtics where he continued his Off-The-Bench-When-The-Team-Needs-A-Body-When-The-Starters-Lose-Interest status, Joe lost his fingers trying to catch one of Hernandez’s line drives, or was it Silent George Hendrick, and what are they gonna do with a bunch of volleyballs?????? Watch Ozzie do flips over them between innings??????? And Hernandez won another World Series. Linda, stick to water polo.”

Boy, finger math does wonders, doesn’t it? Fred MacMurray was onto something.

 

If I could catch a falling volleyball

To throw at some random player’s head, big or small

Order rainbows in my favorite shade

To show this plot ends, that it will fade

Write it off as bas nouvelle

Anything but a prized Nobel

 

Betcha by golly wow

It’s the one we hope will ride to Mars forever

Betcha by golly wow

And always will our hate for it keep growin’ strong

Keep growin’ strong

 

 

Now it’s bad enough that P2 is representative of the Frida Kahlo collection that is gracing our comic strip today but do I have to get Robmize mad at me by continuing discussion of trades like what is going on in P2? Okay, Linda, the Cubs shouldn’t have traded Lou Brock and wound up on the Australian National Team but the Cubs needed cash, some pitching and a right-handed setter with power. Perfect with that wind blowing out.

Linda is perhaps playing one card too many and I think that is where Mimi is going with this. Well, she had the volleyball schedule of the National League East down cold, give her credit. I’ll bet she even knew Lee Smith’s ERA. Hey, gotta be in the know when you’re trying to close it out with Rose (Wind blew out to right also, Rose a switch hitter, yes, I’m onto that) , Bench, and Morgan in the lineup WITH that wind blowing out. Still, Mimi is desiring Linda to ride on Trigger and ride off into the sunset, the sun shaped like a Spalding volleyball, then dismount off the horse and get her ass over to the softball complex. It might get a bit more complex (pardon the pun) than that, but that HAS to be the gist of it. We’ll know if there’s no volleyballs or horse chips in the dugout.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Brian Eno And Herb Alpert To Colloborate On ‘Volleyball Fusion In Tijuana’ At Milford Memorial Coliseum!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Eno points out acoustics of bouncing volleyballs and synthesizers works perfectly at his venue, particularly on ‘Zorba the Greek’.”

 

Linda, Linda, please listen to me, says Mimi in P3. Not only are your fingers shaped like Ore Ida Fries like mine, you really shouldn’t bet on volleyball. The odds makers don’t read page 4 of the Milford Scoreboard to see who won between Milford and Oakwood (“Milford won in 5 sets. Joe, go to a phone. Tell the OTB guys, Milford with a 2 1/2 spread on New Thayer. Hey, the Mudlarks are the home team!!!”) and we need you for this Tournament. Plus, I’d like to put my hands down. Edward Scissorshands is due to show up anytime and he’s been flirting with me. I’ve tried to tell him that I’m married to Gil but he keeps insisting that my Ore Ida Crinkle Cuts look sexy, especially soaked in Palmolive. Can you just say yes and skip the Jimmy the Greek tripe?

Hell, no. I like my Casual Bud Powell “April in Paris” attire that accompanies my corn dog appendages and I need to find a way to stretch P3 into a topographical nightmare because P4 would get a grievance filed by the  Amalgamated Printer’s Union. Betcha by golly wow, I might even sing another Stylistics tune like “Stone in Love With You” or Break Up To Make Up.” It can fit.

 

 

You know, with all this talk of volleyball and softball and newcomball and hopscotch and squash and Lordy knows what else Linda McCartney is involved in, we sometimes forget that people die.

Hi, this is Dr. Pearl, on behalf of Milford Funeral Solutions. That is what happened to me recently as my second-cousin-twice-removed-uncle-cum-father-in-law passed away at the Milford Senior Care Center. His life was full, having been the oldest Civil War Veterans, fighting for the Union in the 171st Wisconsin Corps of Engineers. Somebody had to build the bridge across the Mississippi to lead the charge against Pemberton at Vicksburg. He was rewarded with a fine pension but, MacArthur was wrong. Old soldiers do die. He may have digested his 1,000,000th Big Mac by the time he croaked but they still meet their Waterloo.

The people at Milford Funeral Solutions understand that with a peoples’ non-stop, hectic, go-go, seat-of-the-pants schedules, that they are surprised when one of their relatives dies. Land o’ Goshen, when I learned that Lieutenant Wilfred B. Harrington bit the big one at the Senior Center, I was at a staff meeting discussing ways to cut costs on the repairs of the football team buses. When they slipped the note, someone thought I was thinking about the expenditures on the Alison transmission that put us over budget.

That’s where care and compassion and a good casket that doesn’t cost as much as that transmission comes into the picture. They showed me the adjustable reclining board where he was laying in state to set my mind at ease. It’s important when he’s being embalmed because I have bad images of Elmer’s Glue being applied to his scalp and eyeballs, not to mention Canola oil being applied to his body to keep blood, semen, mucus, etc. from needlessly seeping out and damaging the merchandise, even if it’s dead merchandise. A dead Sears Die Hard battery deserves a decent burial, complete with minister to spread the ashes.

And after all the embalming and he is airlifted from the board to the casket, it’s nice that he will get a nice viewing with his arms folded the proper way. The last funeral home shoved my father’s hands in his pocket and he not only cut himself with the Boy Scout knife but the suit ripped. Try explaining to a dead man why his seersucker has a hole in his crotch. Embarrassing.

AND Milford Funeral Solutions was voted “#1 Funeral Home in Milford” by a reader’s poll in Milford Today. When they can lay my relative’s sword and engineering tools, straightedge included, so that they can be buried in one fell swoop so that the casket door can close smoothly, all at a fraction of the cost of the other funeral homes in Mudlarkland COMBINED, you have a business that will keep growing. No argument from the gravediggers.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions today. And to show how badly they want your business, if your uncle or mother-in-law, etc. dies this month, they will pay for the funeral notice in the Milford Enquirer. Why go through the pointless worry of how many grandchildren Grandpa Thorp had when Milford Funeral Solutions can do the Finger Math? Just bring the ad that is printed on the Internet, download it, and your troubles are over. No more concern of whether your aunt was from New Thayer or Madison.

Isn’t it time you lay your troubles to rest along with that sword? That was fool’s gold anyhoo, I understand. An alchemist’s dream. Come to Milford Funeral Solutions and put Excalibur 6 feet under.

 

Gang, comment away. I still think Lou Brock can help the Lady Mudlarks win the softball tournament. Speed on the basepaths is important.

 

 

“No!!!!!!!! Don’t fold Gil’s grandpa’s arms like that!!!!!!!!! He looks like an accordion!!!!!!!!!!”

June 10, 2019

Hat Day!

Filed under: huge hats, Just plain sad, Mimi Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:30 am

061019

In all the shuffle of idiotic plot devices, I had totally forgotten about the hats. It’s hat day? Game days are hat days, so it must be game day.

Linda looks a bit unnerved. She’s probably not into the hat. Also, her outfit makes her look like the water bottle in the foreground. See the cafeteria group looking at her like, who’s the person sized water bottle with the red cap?

It’s time for Mimi to address Linda’s issues. She already brilliantly sorted out Nancy and Molly with book club. Now she has to get Linda fired up for volleyball. Because Linda has a full ride scholarship to play volleyball, and it’s mid June and Linda is moping up a storm because she’s not on the Olympic volleyball team yet.

Mimi’s first salvo: That mid level college you’re attending has a craptastic volleyball team. A player of your caliber is probably not going to make a difference there.

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