This Week in Milford

April 29, 2022

Singing the blues

Bad enough that we have a blind pitcher nobody knows about. Now we have another guy who can see just fine bitching about the umps calls. Nomar is blaming the ump for his pitiful performance. Wah wah wah. What a bunch of freakin losers on this team. Of course Chief One Eye didnt notice and has to be warned on the bus postgame about it, so he can bitch about calls when its his turn to draw Blue Narrow behind the plate. Nothing like team camaraderie the wrong way. Didnt Atherton have the same ump? Hey we scored 5 runs.

That bus must be as narrow as Blues’ strike zone with only one ass to a seat.

This team is so mentally weak I have no idea how they survive the season anywhere near the playoffs unless Gil has a meeting to address the whole thing. But we havent seen Gil lately.

March 19, 2022

Poke Sallet Cressa*

Late in the day and I don’t see Rob’s Friday post so I will double up here. Apologies if I’m stepping on toes.

March 18, 2022

We’ve reached the point where Rubin realizes he didn’t pace the plot very well, so he crams multiple games into a single strip and makes it clear that no Milford team will make the playdowns. We’ve also reached a point where we realize that Whigham can’t draw lower body parts very well. Mimi has a case of the gone-ass while Central’s coach has stovepipes for legs and earrings that can be seen from orbit.

Knowing her team is playing out the string, Mimi has decided to play musical guards, with the previously maligned Maddie Bloom now taking the place of Cathy Sasaki in the backcourt. Cathy, ever the team snitch player, isn’t bothered by this. The only person this doesn’t seem to sit well with is…

March 19, 2022

… Cressa Baxter, who’s lucky Gil isn’t the Thorp coaching her team. That whole hard seltzer fiasco would’ve had her expelled and banished to Valley Mod, where she could’ve replaced Corina as the girl with a chip on her shoulder. And what exactly is the source of that chip? Did Cressa get passed over for a service academy appointment? Does she feel she should’ve been made captain over Hollis? Come on, Rubin, don’t leave us hangin’. Did Hollis ignore her when she was being bullied or something?

BTW, I know the song is “Polk Salad Annie” but the plant it’s made from is pokeweed and the actual dish is poke sallet. Learn more about preparing it without killing yourself here.

February 19, 2022

Future: it’s not just what Steve Luhm uses on the floors

Sound General Quarters! General Quarters! All hands man your battle stations! Wait, wrong branch. Let’s try some other rallying cry.

Wonder Twin Powers, activate!

Shape of – a Milford victory!

Form of – a ??? defeat!

Shape of – a teenage growth spurt!

Form of – post-game dap!

Shape of – a sophomore sensation!

Form of – a senior benchwarmer!

Shape of – new hotness!

Form of – old busted jawn!

“Perfectly hilarious” per faithful TWIMer hitorque.

November 26, 2021

Stuff this team in the turkey

Headin’ out to San Milfordo
For the Labor Day bonfire show
I got my Hush Puppies on
I guess I never was meant for gymna-volleyball.
And Gildo I didnt know – that I’d be missin you so..

Come Monday, it’ll be all right
Come Monday, we’ll be losin the fight
I spent four lonely days in a hypnotic haze
And I want Spiller out of my sight…

Yes, it’s been quite a summer
Racing cars and golfing pain.
And now you’re off on vacation
Something you can never explain.
And, Gildo since I gotta go
That’s the reason I’m not gonna throw…

Come Monday, it’ll be all right
Come Monday, I’ll be pickin a fight
I spent four freakin days with A. Simpkins from State

and I just want this crap to subside..

August 20, 2021

Idiots 101

Boy if we had any notions that Rubin knew squat about golf, this summer storyline proved it. We’ve gone over the ludicrous dialogue enough already; suffice it to say all todays panels are are the cherry on the horseshit sundae.

P1 – Nobody puts their clubs in the car like that– you put the club end in first, then the bottom of the bag is the last part in. And for gods sakes– Hendricks knows the way out! Did he just go blind? I know his eyes are shut as he dutifully deposits his bag in his trunk ( as everyone does after every round Ive ever played) but jesus, has he been fuckin LIVING at the course?? Did he forget where the door was?! Imagine living with these douchbags for 3 months. I’d rather live in that cornfield where his ball was, along with a thousand others. I havent gotten over Gil searching a cornfield for what MAY be Carters ball– any goddamn golfer with any time in the game knows no matter how good you are you can still yank one into the cornfield. Scratch or no scratch. And the cost of the ball– I dont belong to a country club but the pro CARING about the difference between a $4 ball and a $1.50 ball, when dues for these places are thousands of dollars… is just lunacy. Who the hell buys balls one at a time anyway??

I’ve been playing golf since 1978, and not one of these statements made in this storyline has ever been made by me or anyone I’ve either played with, or come in contact with, or said on a TV broadcast of a tournament.

P2– Well gee, Heather needed the lowest possible course in college to do research that any 12 year old could do. So all the pro did was bring Carter into the room and BS him about pressing charges and writing a check. I really found a couple things hard to believe– that 15 years later he looked that similar that Heather knew it was him– I’ve seen what 15 years does to some people. Next, why would Carter keep THE SAME raincoat in his bag for 15 years? You play golf a lot your bag wears out too, and getting a new bag means tossing the old junk in the old one out. And my old raincoat literally made me wetter after so long, so I got another one. AND WHY KEEP A COLLEGE RAINCOAT ANYWAY? I keep an old winter hat from my college– in my closet so it doesnt get worn out. Who cares about raincoats??

P3– so the pro was just BS-ing Carter– well, so much for any credibility HE has. If I’m Carter I dont send him shit– I move on to the next club where everyone there has a goddamn brain and an IQ above 65. And I go about my business and keep on raking in the dough, and nobody will give a fuck about my $1.50 balls or my damn raincoat or my handicap. Getting away from these morons is the best thing thats happened to Carter. As Green Day sang— Good Riddance!

July 10, 2021

“Life Is Good” Only Works on T-shirts

Sometimes a song parody is appropriate. Sometimes a song already has appropriate lyrics. This is one of those times.

The second verse is particularly fitting:

I’ve got a story, ain’t got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while
I’ve got a story, ain’t got no moral
Let the bad guy win every once in a while

Is this the first Gil Thorp story arc in which the bad guy – mustachioed, ill-tempered, clearly antagonistic toward a kid – does not receive his comeuppance? And he’s going to be allowed to continue his antagonism unabated? What fresh hell is this?

Everything’s just gonna be hunky-dory from now on. Zane will show up for dinner at the Britos once a week to eat heaping helpings of white food with a side of belly button fan service while listening to Abel rant about having the library provide any kind of service. He must not have heard about the Boo Radley Memorial Little Free Library; if he had he’d probably have run on a platform of closing the Milford Public Library and using it instead.

Today’s final panel has that freeze-frame, roll credits feel of an arc-ender. Let’s pray that it is. ¡Ay, Dios mio!

June 24, 2021

All’s Well That Ends Well And We Hope This All Ends.

Filed under: glasses on forehead, Mimi Thorp, Miserable characters, softball — tdrewhardin @ 1:02 pm

I gotta hand it to Thorpiverse. A clever ending (MAYBE it will end) to one of the subplots that was wallowing in the mud for several weeks may set a trend, although I am wisely not holding my breath. You’re not off the hook, T-verse. Even if it is essentially Corina’s mom who figures into this decision, I still wonder how Mimi managed to pull it off and I am not convinced (probably never will be) that some dubious quid pro quo was employed at the bargaining table. Sure, you can have her, Milford Business College, but only on a full ride and you pass the check under the table at one of the booths at The Bucket. NCAA officials eat lunch there. I wouldn’t want anybody to know how I got new uniforms for my Lady Mudlarks. Oh, and she transfers to a PAC-12 school of her choice at the end of her 2-year sabbatical. I’ll pay for the Bucket Shakes.

And face it, Corina has too much talent to let it go to Mudlarkland and I personally endorse the move. It’s not the move per se that I question, just the modus operandi. When Mimi has been non-existent as a coach and Corina was practically running the team, it makes the strings that Mimi was pulling that much more ridiculous. Let me lounge on the verandah with Gil, OH CRAP Corina hasn’t settled on a school!!!!!!! Gil, I have to make a few phone calls. Damn!!!!!!! Where’s my cell phone? In the kitchen by the toaster???? Who put it there???? I’ll talk with Keri about moving Mommy’s stuff!!!! Now what was the number of Powell College Athletic Department again? I lost the slip of paper. I think the dog ate it.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Set Aside Sizeable Donation To Milford Business College; Most Earmarked For Athletic Fund!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Man, when they got Corina to join the ranks, that’s when I decided to make the direct deposit. With her on board, they’re Final Four, fer sure.”

And I’ll overlook Mimi’s smarmy smug mien she is exhibiting in front of Corina, even if Mimi really has nothing to get cocky about. She really wasn’t even a catalyst as she just opened the doors for the drug lords executing the drug deal and maybe got half a kilo for being the flunky and part-time watchdog for any potential sting operation on the horizon. But she really didn’t speed up the transaction before the Milford Police busted down the doors nor was she directly involved in the operation per se. Just get the number of the athletic director/The Sopranos and just kick back and relax. Hell, I could have gone to the Milford Phone Directory on my kitchen counter and done the same thing. I bet The Sopranos have a listed number. The point is, Gil has been engineering deals like this for 60 years. He’s opened more doors than that doorman on That Thing You Do. At least the doorman had a better clue on what he was doing and got Guy Patterson to the Milford Jazz Club on time.

But then you have the Exploding Mouth Syndrome. Now if it’s Exploding Eyeball Effect, the worst that happens is you just have to locate your eyeball on the ground, sort of what you would do if you lost a contact. But I shudder to think if your mouth explodes. How do you look for your lips? Or cheekbones? And do you puke to add insult to injury? Not that I blame Corina for wanting to watch her expectorated mandibles all over Mimi’s MTV shirt. I know Corina is expressing her dismay at her life suddenly being planned out the next few years but can we keep her tongue and her upper palate on the inside? She won’t need a mouth guard at the rate she’s going.

Then there’s the trees. They finally look like trees, not a graduate student project study of Jackson Pollak. But isn’t a bit unnerving to see them angled in a certain direction IN UNISON, as if they’ e listening in on the conversation.

“Yeah, tell her, Girl!!!!!!!!!!!! She ain’t yer mother!!!!!!!!!”

“You go, Mimi!!!!!!!!!!!! Time for Miss Mouth to stand on her own two feet!!!!!!!”

“You tell ‘er, Corina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jerry Pulver told Gil to shove it up his ass when he tried to strong-arm a scholarship on Jerry to Virginia Military Institute!!!!!!!!!!”

“Don’t let Corina wind up as a flagperson on Milford Highway Department!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Be careful, Mimi!!!!!!!! She may come back and take your job!!!!!! She’s halfway there now!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

A dying oak tree made that last remark, just for the record.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Hired As Chief Consulting Advisor For Milford Business College Football Team!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mr. Simpson will primarily coordinate our recruiting endeavors, particularly focused in the southern part of the country.”

So it wasn’t Mimi in the gym with the Bic pen, after all. It wasn’t even Colonel Mustard at The Bucket with the Bucket Corn Dog. It was Momma Karenna with the chunky bracelet in the conservatory signing the papers. Corina should be able to pass Professor Plum’s blow-off class at that Syracuse community college, no problem.

And just how DID Mommie Dearest Karenna manage to pull all this off? Remember the SNL episode where they did a take-off of the movie that made Joan Crawford infamous? Jane Curtin played Joan and Gilda Radnor played her daughter and I’m thinking the occasion is Christmas or her daughter’s birthday, I forget which, but Joan hands her daughter a birthday present “Well, open it up. My my, it’s a lovely gift, it’s the rest of the cube steak you didn’t finish at dinner last night.” That’s pretty much the Mommy Dearest scenario now. Here’s your graduation gift, Corina. It’s a scholarship to Milford Business College and the Milford Police have filed a bench warrant to make sure you follow through on that graduation gift. So as soon as we go home and you finish the last of the Spaghetti O’s and Hormel Beef Stew I have heated up in the microwave, start packing. You can take the rest of the cupcakes with you when you get to the dorm this evening.

Gee, I hope Keri doesn’t have the Milford Deputy Sheriff in her bedroom when she decides on a major.

And what better way to commemorate Mommie Dearest coming back into Corina’s life after Corina has been part-time coaching the Lady Mudlarks than with a classic from Blue Oyster Cult? I knew you whippersnappers would understand(ha).

Patrons at The Diner are going crazy

They’re choking while consuming corn dogs on rye

Mudlarks are hiding in the dugout, gloves cover face

Coach Thorp has turned the color of Hostess pie

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-no, no, no, no

Mom Karenna has risen from the grave

Mom Karenna has risen from the graaaaaaavvvvvveeeese

Really, now that Joan Crawford has RISEN out of Milford Public Cemetery, the next question is WHAT did Joan do to get Corina virtually out the door? She had two weeks with Mimi, you understand. Read the AAA road atlas to her when they went to visit Syracuse? Pick up the bar tab when they sat down with the CC officials at some Syracuse upscale tavern? Offer to bring her lawyer next time if the papers being signed was all Gilspeak? We’re getting the concept that Mommie Dearest was in cahoots with Corina’s 4-Year Excellent Adventure, Thorpiverse. We TWIMers are just amazed that someone who was unsteady and impoverished when she wasn’t on the scene AT ALL in Corina’s life could just walk into LeMoyne Athletic Office and sit down and sign her daughter’s life away with a minimum of discussion. Oh (slap on head) , Mimi was there. She could translate for the athletic director when Mommie Dearest balked at Corina getting shipped to Siberia for summer workouts. Don’t worry, Mrs. Crawford, somebody will be there to translate Russian when Coriba is exercising in the salt mines. And she’ll eat well. There’s plenty of woods to hunt for tiger meat and water regions for sardines. Set your mind at ease, Mommie Dearest.

And we went from the fence bent at an unrealistic angle to what you would see if you were walking the premises with Mr. Bader. Don’t get too near the fence if you don’ want to get electrocuted. And the guard dogs are nearby, you wouldn’t stand a chance of jumping that baby. Shoot, not with those stubs Mimi has that is normally where your hand would be.

One afternoon while “Godzilla” from Blue Oyster Cult is playing

“Yes, Mommie Dearest made me brush my teeth with a toothpick and shower in the hog trough. Then she sent me to Milford High to be the principal.”

“How awful, Dr. Pearl!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Yes, but she really hit new lows in cruelty when I had to watch Gil in action. I’d rather eat that cubed steak.”

Mudlark Baseball has thrown away their pizza

They chain themselves to the axles of Jay’s Subs vans

The sky is filled with Powell College rejects

But Gil Thorp laughs: “Dudes, golf is in my plans”

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-no, no, no, no

Mom Karenna has risen from the grave

Mom Karenna has risen from the grrraaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvveeeee

Uh oh. The syrupy sap being spewed by Mommie Dearest in P3 is never a good sign for the victim, i.e., Corinavirus albeit it does signify that the plot, this one anyway, is mercifully coming to an end. We still have the Library Question to deal with but one problem child at a time. Put that sucker to bed and focus on the one ransacking your cabinet.

And okay, kill ’em with kindness but puh-LEASSSSEEEEE don’t do this with the library plot. Or even the Zane Pitching Project which aborted the flight just as soon as Zane took the mound. Jackie Hill, from ’70’s Thorpiverse, at least made it through the season with less baggage. And she never engaged in any verbal confrontation over the Library Reading Room that I’m aware of.

Anyhoo

“Come, we’ll talk about reducing library hours to one hour a day at my house. My wife cooks a mean batch of chitlins and Brussel sprouts.”

Or

YOUR MOTHER LAMINATES LIBRARY CARDS IN HELL

THE POWER OF GIL COMPELS YOU

“Whew, I feel better. And I’m willing to allow the magazine section to reopen if you’ll allow for pay toilets. God knews, we need the tax revenue.”

Or

“Maureen, do you think we should have 3 or 4 librarians on staff?”

“Oh, definitely 4. Can I pour you some more coffee?”

Get this damn thing over with. I’m running out of ideas.

“And Milford beats Oakwood on a walk-off pitch single. Mom Karenna has truly risen from the ashes. I’ll be back with final stats in a moment as Milford wins, 6-5. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Man, Mom Karenna sure knows how to come through in the clutch. And Corina was not too shabby herself as she contributed 7 ribbies. She’ll make a swell roommate at Milford Business College. Go Typewriters!!!!!!!!!!

But i’m not here at the mike to talk about Joan Crawford and her Daughter With RBI’s To Match Her Attitude. Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse and we are getting some hurtful, malicious, and inaccurate commentary from The Bucket about our Wink Martindale statue up front. Not only did they lose their case at the Milford Beverage Commission Ad Hoc Committee hearing but now they’re throwing darts and Bucket Shakes at a revered game show host memorialized by many here in Mudlarkland. Shoot, it’s any day now that he has a star on Milford Walk of Fame. When you can’t remember to bring that extra case brief that might have won them a license in front of an ad hoc committee comprised of 3 members who work for a living, a garbage truck driver, a beautician, and a CPA, naturally you’re going to throw Bucket Fries at your competition.

They charge that we are paying a luxury tax on the statue and passing the cost onto the customers. They’ve been watching one too many Jokers’ Wild episodes. Why would we want to bilk the hand that feeds us when we get enough customers taking pictures of a venerable institution while they’re shopping for that Jim Beam Orange Whiskey for a Wink-friendly $11.99 after you’ve used our coupon? Shoot, Japanese tourists take a family photo with ol’ Wink before they come in and purchase their 12-Pak 12 fluid ounce Michelob Ultra Organic Seltzer and Ritz Toaster Chips.

They say we don’t do upkeep on the statue and the patina is beginnig to contort Wink’s visage and make him look like Ernest Borgnine. Apparently, the employees at The Bucket never saw The Dirty Dozen. But that’s what happens when you lose winnable cases because you watch too much Romper Room. We have a fully-staffed maintenance crew that cleans the toilets AND keeps Mr. Martindale as shiny as one of the statues at Promontory Hall at The White House. That’s why we can charge $25.99 for Crown Royal Peach and still afford to be a beacon in the storm. The Bucket legal team is hiding in the lighthouse.

And The Bucket also continually insists that it can obtain its own statue. Why, we can erect a statue of Pat Sajak in the drive-in area and sales would increase threefold. Yeah, right, and where are you going to stick Vanna White? By a non-smoking booth? We’ll be charging our faithful customers $21.99 for a 30-Pak, 12 Fluid Ounce of Busch Light while you call the building engineer and get the estimates. I hope they stay within the bounds of Milford Building Code regulations.

Folks, you know what you want to be when you grow up. You don’t need to go through an ad hoc committee here to experience The Good Life. Come get your great booze at great prices and get a great picture of you and Wink to boot and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

I’m telling you, Mom Karenna has risen from the grave, no matter you say, Gang. Now eat that cube steak before it gets cold.

And God bless you, Gang.

At the Harvard Lecture Hall

“I’d rather be out on the golf course, Kingsfield.”

“Mister Thorp, step forward please.”

Gil Thorp comes to the front

“Mister Thorp, here’s a dime. Call your mother and tell her there is serious doubt about your ever becoming a coach.”

Gil goes back, ready to leave, then turns around at the halfway point

“You’ve been spending too much time at Milford Public Library, Kingsfield!!!!!!!!!!!”

Gil is about to leave

“Mr. Thorp, return to your seat. That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said in 60 years.”

Heard whispering from the Milford Public Cemetery

“Corina, Corina, Corina, Corina, Corina…”

MOM KARENNA HAS RISEN FROM THE GRAVE…

June 16, 2021

Paul Mooney Might Have Appreciated It

The world of comedy lost a pointed social critic last month with the passing of Paul Mooney at the age of 79. Younger TWIMers probably know Mooney from his roles on Chapelle’s Show, but the old heads will remember him for his collaborations with Richard Pryor. Pryor gave Mooney his first break in comedy by offering Mooney a job as a writer while Mooney was working as a circus ringmaster. Mooney would go on to write material for Pryor’s standup routines, much of which ended up on several of Pryor’s live albums that were big sellers during the ’70s.

During the 1975 television season, a new live sketch comedy show, Saturday Night, was flagging in the ratings and needed a boost. Producer Lorne Michaels thought Pryor was just the man to do it and approached him to guest-host an episode of the show. Pryor agreed but only if certain demands were met, including having Gil Scott-Heron as the musical guest and that he bring his own writer – Paul Mooney – to write his sketches. The story, possibly apocryphal, that Chevy Chase approached Mooney to write him into a sketch with Pryor who, also possibly apocryphal, didn’t care much for Chase, led to the infamous “Word Association” sketch that put SNL on the map and created the seven-second delay.

By all appearances the Milford Library Board panel interview has the look of sliding into a similar word association game. I leave it to you gentle readers to offer your own word associations, none of which I hope will be as controversial and potentially offensive as the one Paul Mooney wrote for Richard Pryor and Chevy Chase.

A couple of minor points of observation:

a. When would a high school student ever have the need to do a user survey?

2. Who said anything about a bookmobile? Is Abel looking for something else to fill his ample free time besides complain about the library budget?

iii. How is the goateed Library Board member holding his vape pen, exactly? His thumb doesn’t extend out far enough to support it from behind.

This links to the only clip I could find of Gil Scott-Heron from that SNL appearance. I used to be able to drop clips into posts, but apparently I now have to “upgrade [my] plan to use this premium block.” We here at TWIM will have to figure out if we can afford such luxury. It might even cost as much as a computer at a public library.

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