This Week in Milford

May 10, 2018

You’re Out of Order, Bader!

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The Mets got busted for batting out of order yesterday and the Twittersphere had fun with it.

Screenshot-2018-5-10 Dyllmonger on Twitter

What’s Gil’s excuse? His lineup card reads 1-2-x-x-6-7-8-9-10. Let’s zoom in on it:

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Most of these guys are Milford’s usual suspects:

1. Mike Filion was the Mudlark’s undersized QB last fall

2. Barry Bader, well, you know him. Still showing zero signs of maturation

x. Andre Ruffin knows how to host a party

x. Pete DeWindt has been here since, like, forever

6. The same could be said for Paul Beaudry

7. Pelwecki has long worn out his welcome. His Rosie the Riveter pose pales in comparison to Lucky Haskins’ but he’s feeling it*

8. Jorge Padilla, like his MLB namesake, is an outfielder (or some new position, CH). We’ll find out if that skinny kid can jump and rob hitters of homers

9. We get the classic name Hiawatha James and it’s the only one Whigham can’t write out? Lazy!

10. Larry Arroyo was introduced to us as a non-Pelwecki sub for Barry Bader but now he’s a pitcher third baseman – that is, if he’s the same guy

May River has to be a long ride from Milford; maybe that’s why Gil’s lineup card is so wonky. Bluffton (home of May River High) has become known in recent years as an affordable alternative to nearby Beaufort and Charleston for Yankee retirees. Maybe Mr. Bakst or some other Milfordians have moved there and will form a home away from home crowd for the Mudlarks. Play ball!

*Note Pelwecki is written in at DH, but no pitcher is named; Arroyo, batting last, is at 3B (oops – teenchy)

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May 8, 2018

Give me 40 acres and I’ll turn this plot around

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She’s back!!!!! Marjie Ducie is back to prime the pump then, like any catalyst, disappears into thin air while the final product sputters to the finish line. Well this time, she learned some valuable pitching lessons that she can take back to her other dimension. Really, once she reaches the end of the Time Tunnel, she can race over to Yankee Stadium (hey, they love baseball in other dimensions too) and ply her trade. Yup, that changeup oughta complement her cut fastball, curve, and forkball. Keep ’em offstride, Marjie. Be sure those Ultra-dimension batters won’t know what’s comin’ next. Because once they got you timed, they start hittin’ ’em back in Gil’s World. Wise to add another pitch to your repertoire.

And I took algebra in high school. I barely remember the Transitive Property but still, who says you won’t need this stuff in real life? Without my caring teacher patiently explaining this principle, it’d be days before I’d put 2 & 2 together and come up with 5′ 8″. No wild guesses needed. I could patiently work through the problem and apply it to a real life scenario (hmmm, this is Thorpiverse, oh, just work with me). Thanks, Teach!!!!! You’ve equipped me to slay the dragons.

And what the hell does height differential have to do with what Pitch is being thrown which I wouldn’t be terribly surprised Thorpiverse is implying? Sure, impress us with your baseball knowledge, Thorpiverse, and hope to God we don’t put 2 & 2 together and come up with 5’8″ that it’s all smoke and mirrors. Okay, Gil, I’ll concede Mudlark Baseball is in real trouble if Van Auken attempts to pitch a knuckleball to a catcher who’s 3’5″. Passed balls all game long because this catcher had no vertical leap and Oakwood is up, 10-0, before the crow flies. So go ahead and wow us with height differential, Gil. Even if it really has nothing to do with your discussing the battery, we’ll play along. CYA, Coach.

Anyway, I’ve got some Dave Dudley on tap while Gil and Marjie sit at the bleachers going over late-game situations.

Ridin’ on this plotline

Trapped in a hamster’s cage

I feel like Dennis Weaver

Chased down by a psycho’s rage

Wish I could shake that truck right

Down the cliff and out of sight

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna go berserk tonight

BTW, I realize, by my count, 6 months from now leads into November. 6 weeks might have been more realistic. But by the end of June, this plot is over(don’t hold your breath) and we have filler space to fill with what? More Marty time at the Milford Lounge? Nah, drag this one out ad astra and hope for the best. Maybe something’ll kick in and make sense and we’ll get off this Wheel and reach Nirvana. We’ll have overlapped to football by then.

Gang, I don’t know WHAT I did to deserve this. Do I need to change religions? Was it because I slept in and missed Sunday School last week? Put S & H Green Stamps in the offering plate? Used the F-word in the Benediction Prayer? Well, I’ll admit the last one probably explains why I’m hopelessly riding in this semi, not knowing who the driver is, the Hand of Fate having drawn a curtain between me and whoever’s behind the steering wheel. I’m stuck in this Freightliner headin’ down this endless black ribbon and I have no clue where the heck it’s going. And to add insult to injury, we’re recycling characters from the past (Moose, Daffy Duck, BB) as if regurgitating them will improve the product, or the plot. Oh, that’s right, dig that lamp you threw out on Trash Day from the Milford City Dump, take it home, put in the den, plug it in and see if it’ll help you read when you’re scoping the racing forms in order to bet on the winning horse. Kentucky Derby was founded on said principles.

Nice view of the Rocky Mountains, if nothing else. Is that Pike’s Peak?

Comin’ into Milford

Steering this plot into HellThe trailer’s runnin’ empty

And Daffy Duck’s not writing so well

The story’s bad and nobody cares

The Trumpet’s gettin’ itchy and scared

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna lose my mind tonight

Here I am at the Milford Truck Stop. I heard the 3-Piece Fried Chicken Special is to die for. You get 2 breasts and a wing plus 2 sides and you don’t gotta worry about your Visa card maxing out. Omigod, Jay Bhatia wouldn’t show up at a greasy spoon and report my credit woes to The Trumpet, would he? Would he stoop that low? I did call the Milford Credit Bureau and got a forbearance for a couple of months, so there, Jay, print that in The Trumpet and smoke it. Anyway, drinks are extra. And I think I’ll have the breaded okra and macaroni & cheese. By God, breaded okra will put hair on your chest and help you swing the bat better. And all that grease from the chicken breasts? I think Moose applied a healthy dose to his hair. Otherwise, the rest was donated to the Milford Pantry.

Jay’s pumpin’ information

Trying to get the scoop of his life

Thank God he never caught wind

That Gil was cheatin’ on his wife

Hold the door and let this thing fly

Kiss off Barry Bader goodbye

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna pull my hair tonight

Gang, since Marty’s been suspended, SOMEBODY has to take his place. I’ve been watching the Mudlarks on the portable TV in the cab while gettin’ my kicks on Route 66. I just heard Hawk Harrelson the other day:

“Daffy Duck, SHE GONE!!!!!!!! And after 6 innings, the  White Sox lead the Mudlarks, 7-1. We’ll take a commercial break, this is Chicago White Sox Baseball on WGN.”

“Coach Thorp was in disarray as to what diamond ring to buy Mimi before he got married. He was caught in the black market and all he got for his efforts was a swirlie. I was helpless to bail him out. Hi, I’m Sid Andrews, owner of the Milford Diamond Company. If my last name sounds familiar, yes, my brother is Tod Andrews, now coaching all the Oakwood teams, including the rowing team. And let me row you into something that will last a lifetime, a diamond with all the bells and whistles that tells that Special Someone “It’s forever, Love”. When I saw Gil trying to exchange his Marine Discharge Papers for a wedding ring at the Milford Pawn Shop, I threw him a lifeline and got him out to the shopping center parking lot. We put the Discharge Papers under the seat cushion in his car. Thank our lucky stars his Papers were not authorized by a Notary Public or the sale would be final and Gil would be stuck with a stone that got excavated out of Shaft #2 at the Milford Mines. Coal does not bode well at the wedding ceremony. “With this ring…” takes on an entirely different meaning. Fortunately, I showed Gil a wide selection of hand-crafted, sparkling diamonds in many carats and visual claritys, all designed to stay within a teacher-coach’s salary. The friendly staff at Milford Diamond Company knew that Gil hasn’t had a real job in 60 years and odds are, probably never will. Our staff was OK with that. Because they are not working on a commission, they didn’t have to tell Coach Thorp to get a life. A .29 carat, S12 visual clarity diamond ring was shipped FedEx right at Gil’s doorstep, several days before the wedding. Gil did not have to take out another loan and strain his credit plus his Discharge Papers are back in the safe deposit box at Milford Federal. We even paid for the shipping. Everybody was happy.

The Milford Diamond Company. Now Gil has a friend in the diamond business.”

We’re tryin’ to dodge the smokies

Marty’s learning on the job

No Class A license with him

My heart is really starting to throb

He took out an oil tanker rig

Can’t wait till he goes back to ‘DIG

6 days of Marty Moon

and I’m-a doubtin’ I’ll be home tonight

“Harrrrry Carrray, back in Wrigley Field, where the Cubsh are clinging to a 4-3 lead over the Mudlarksh, top of the 8th inning. Here’s Hiawatha Jamesh, the casher, who’s batting .319. Boy, keep thish cookie off the bashes. Say hello to Fred and Marge who are lishining in on KRNT in Des Moines, Iowa, lifelong Cubsh fansh for 35 yearsh. Theresh a pitch, high and away, 1-0.”

“Harry, an interesting stat on Hiawatha James, he hits left-handers a ton, batting .453, and .410 in the daytime. Steve Trout needs to be careful here, Hiawatha can turn on a pitch and with that wind blowing out, he can certainly send one out to Waveland Avenue in a hurry.”

“Boy, Steve, at least Marty didn’t have problemsh with cigar shmoke. Can you put that thing in your pocket? Only the plot shmellsh worsh.”

“Harry, you’re up to your 8th Bud now. How you can smell ANYTHING, let alone this plot, is beyond my comprehension.”

I’d like to put in a word for The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. Great people who keep my humor going because I buy a lot of books from them and those books feed me comedy ideas. Being a Western buff, they have an excellent selection of Louis L’Amour works. Hey, That keeps ME coming back for more. If you’re in the neighborhood, check them out. Believe me, it’s great to get some great stuff and people know your name. I’ve been a fan of small businesses forever because, let’s face it, gang, they make the Face of America. The Bookworm is certainly part of that Face.

Okay, gang, it’s your turn. I’m riding into St. Louis where the semi will stop at a terminal and unload this plot. That’ll take forever so I’m here in the Gateway Arch. I’ll be down the chute in about, oh, 3-4 hours if anything interesting develops. Uhhhhh, er, Busch Stadium looks terrific from here.

Arriving in St. Louis

Wishing for this thing to end

Things are getting hopeless

Nothing comin’ ’round the bend

Baseball plot is fixin’ to start

Hope it don’t stink up and fart

6 months of this plot

and I’m-a gonna jump the bridge tonight

Gang, are you in for a treat!!!!! With MAJOR help from timbuys, I just made this post even cheaper and gaudier with this video. Now the music buff in me, I will confess, likes the song and its singer, Dave Dudley. But if we’re burning this plot at the stake, I couldn’t think of a more honky-tonk tune to aid and abet in the cause. This plot’ll be reduced to ashes by midnight tonight, thanks to Mr. Dudley and his crew(gaunt-sounding background singers thrown in for free). And if you look closely, the ghostly looking tanker that was chasing Dennis Weaver all over Milford in the movie “Duel”(I believe Steven Spielberg’s 1st flick) is in this video. You guys have SKEWERED Coach T. and Co. all day. You deserve to be rewarded. Enjoy!!!!

May 3, 2018

Born of a Theory

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Oohwee, I don’t know about y’all but all that coaching had me dizzy! It about gave me the vapors. Thank goodness we’re back to some of the kind of stuff this strip does best: name-drop and set up boring cliffhangers.

There are a whole bunch of Jay Bhatias out there. Not sure which one this will be, but given Dafne’s secret thoughts about the fate of Del Bader, maybe this Jay Bhatia will have some influence over that. Is he Del’s parole officer? A new member of the Bader family legal team? Or just another meddling Milford kid with nothing better to do than open a previously sealed can of worms?

I’d bet Ms. Stratego Rizk will have a theory about how all this will play out. And I’d bet Casper Heenan or Hobart would be interested in that budget story.

February 15, 2018

Nevertheless, He Persisted

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Boy, is Rubin laying it on thick with Marty or what? P1: Karina already pronounced Jorge’s first name correctly; Marty blatantly ignores her and tells her to talk to the cardboard hand behind his cardboard back.  P2: Marty throws out an excuse for mispronouncing Jorge’s name on the fly, which just serves to make him look even more ignorant. (Note that this is a complete 180 from Uncle Gary’s attempt to make Rick Soto more marketable.) P3: Marty then puts his feet up on the desk and shows the kids the soles of his feet, a gesture considered the height of rudeness in many parts of the world.

I appreciate the naiveté Rubin has built into the Karina Hartley character. I’m sure she’s meant to be nervous about confronting Marty, which is why Silent Duncan Levin is along for the ride. I’d have picked Rick Soto, myself, since he knows a thing or two about concussions and is probably better-equipped to deliver one to Marty. Duncan appears to be another name-dropped lawyer in the pantheon of Neal’s name-droppings, and one with a pretty stellar CV. Maybe he’s here to teach Marty a little bit about asset forfeiture.

I also appreciate the naive tack these two have taken to trying to set Marty straight. Approaching the offending speaker directly is the polite way to go about it, but not the most likely one in today’s climate. Since it looks like it’s gonna be ineffective, I expect Nina, Silent Duncan, Paloma and the rest of the Milford Politically Aware Contingent® to go after Marty the way they might have in the first place: with articles in the Milford Trumpet and Milford Star (by going to Marjie Ducey with the story), with protest posters at the games (worked on Ryan Van Auken, didn’t it?), and with a violent Tweetstorm. What kind of tweets do you all think would take Marty down? I’ll throw out a few hashtags:

#jorgenotgeorgie

#tonedeafmarty

#notmymoon

February 7, 2018

Do The Padilla’s Speak English At Home?

Filed under: ?, lessons learned, Neal's friends, What the hell is going on here? — timbuys @ 8:52 am

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P1: Said no teens ever.

P2: You know, because they don’t have representative government in our home country.

P3: I no-a speak-a da idiomatic-a Ingles-a, Karina, mi amiga. Como se dice ‘blow you off’?

Neutral points: Not gonna google Karina Hartley, token libertarian.

January 31, 2018

La Junta Is Hanging A Few Banners Themselves

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As we from time to time should mention, it seems like it would be a real bad idea to mess with the real life Pete DeWindt. Dude seems like a really cool guy. Honestly, if I were to happen to turn up in Camarillo (FZ reference time? Nah.), I might make an effort to drop by just to say hi.

Meanwhile, I’m thankful for the narration box across panels two and three because, like Gil, I couldn’t bother to remember Mike’s first name either.

Bonus points: Is Marty wearing French cuffs under his Jim Tresselian garb? Is Gil really wearing a solid black tie over a white shirt with no jacket? That’s kinda bad assed in a New Wavey sortof way.

Minus points: Although it is Actual Action, I am not seeing how panel three is in any way related to anything described in that aforementioned narration box.

Metapost: Today’s late post brought to you, in part, by an overachieving FunRun participant.

FunRun

January 20, 2018

Jadine, honey is that you?

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Okay, we get it. Paloma Padilla is suffering from survivor’s guilt of a sort, as she’s complained to her teammates at The Bucket for the past two days. Apparently when you say “chunky bracelets” they just bring you those, too. If this week has been prologue, we’ll spend the next couple of months having Paloma and everyone else tell us about things that happened that we never get to see happen.

Tell-Don’t-Show Disease has spread to Jacky Elenore (who Googles up a blank; guess that spelling throws things off) and Jadine Bynes, who rubs her cheek as if to show us some abrasion or contusion inflicted on her by Paloma. Jadine’s a veteran Lady Mudlark who’s used to getting knocked around by her teammates during practice. She should know how to handle that by now, assuming she’s gotten over those stomach problems.

I’m more impressed by Jacky’s ventriloquist act; throwing your voice while drinking water isn’t the easiest trick.

Today’s post title was a gimme. Get you some!

January 11, 2018

I bet he can handle himself alright if he has to

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Born in Puerto Rico

Raised in Georgia

My mama gave me the basic facts of life (of life…)

 

On top of all that, he played for the Nats.* Geez, hasn’t Jorge Padilla suffered enough?

Today’s inspiration:

*He could instead be the economist or the lawyer, which would be par for the Rubin course.

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