This Week in Milford

September 13, 2019

Scratching a 6-year itch

Filed under: actual action, football, Gil Thorp, Oakwood, Recycled art — robmize2013 @ 7:35 pm


and finally on Day 15 of this game, it ends, with a Milford win and the traditional handshake between Gil and the Oakwood coach, who is now white with hair.

Here they are in 2013………


…..and in 2007.

and finally in 2006…..

So every 6 years or so they are shown shaking hands. Hey, when the game lasts longer then some haircuts, the least you can do is congratulate your opponent for surviving a taffy pull.


September 12, 2019

Mudlarks Are Forced To Punt It Away To The Script.

Filed under: actual action, football, freak hands, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 11:37 am


Now the Oakwood Mighty Cashews look a little awkward, doing that Sha Na Na routine, one Cashew humpin’ another, but if it’ll stuff the run and give them a shot to right the ship before time runs out, ya do what gotta do.

The consolation prize is the melange of tacklers and blockers and the poor schmuck running with the ball DOES resemble tackling and blocking. No 15-leg octopus stepping off the UFO with several 7-legged Martians and their fiancees. If the earth is going to be taken over by Kanamits, it’s comforting to know they cannibalize earthlings with only 2 appendages.

But we were understandably antsy about Charlie Roh’s kismet, his having fumbled once earlier in the game that occurred 2 months ago. Labor Day is when Gil gave Roh a bear hug and told Charlie “when the going gets tough the tough get going.” But remember, Gil cussed him out over the same faux pas around Guy Fawkes Day. Tear their ass down  when they goof but hug ’em tighter later on, especially when the game’s on the line. Sounds like good coaching is the order of the day here.

Come to Fuel Mart in Austin, Indiana where they will give you the great service that’s a given around their neck of the woods. Savannah and Helen run a super operation, the customers at a steady flow whenever I walk in. Gang, THAT’S busy. And that’s because they have great goodies, from hot dogs and frankfurters on the grill to SEVERAL snacks, from potato chips to cheese puffs, candy bars to snack cakes by the BOATLOAD. And don’t forget the sandwiches. Nor the colas, another plentiful quantity. Add in great gas at great prices and I don’t wonder why they are busy as bees. I also wish to give shoutouts to Daelyn and Roberta, 2 ladies who have been there for several years and treat you like you want to be treated. I have seen Daelyn for several years and she has ALWAYS been professional in her dealings with the customer, plus she can get things in order because she knows the store and knows hows to get it done. Roberta has been there for 18 years and I congratulate her because she has been dedicated to the business and she does so with a smile. She also knows the inner workings of the store and knows also how to solve knotty problems. Ladies, they don’t pay you enough. I salute you.

Support Small Business, Gang. Come to the neighborhood where fellowship and food and fuel all go hand in hand.

Did you see this coming

Was it all so obvious

Charlie was stuffed

But the ball was conspicuous

You don’t have to be a genius to know this reeks

Don’t need the DNA test to plug the leaks

Charlie hopes are sinking fast

His talents are poorly cast

C’mon, admit it, everybody in the Western Hemisphere and the Island Nation of Fiji thought that Charlie was going to do something stupid with the ball, the Miracle at the Meadowlands replayed or, to keep quoting Yogi, “deja vu all over again.” And I’ll admit and I daresay the vast majority were thinking he would fumble the ball a second time which would be a logical choice, were this to be an answer on the multiple choice portion of the exam.  Let’s look at the other choices

B) He did a Flubber and ran all the way to the end zone where he was so caught up in the Medfield crowd that he smashed into one of the goal posts, coughs up the ball, and the Rutland Cashew runs the other way for a score, they kick the extra point, the game winds up being a sister-kisser and he gets amnesia and thinks he is taking over for Darren McBride as Milford’s quarterback in the next game after McBride’s A-Fib flares up again

C) He does a Forrest Gump and runs PARALLEL with the 50-yard line all the way out of the stadium and is found later on Mt. Everest after the Hillary Expedition finds the football in some sherpa’s tent. Milford goes on to win as there were spare footballs in Coach Shaw’s pick-up, right below his gun rack

D) With one Rutland Cashew to beat, Charlie kicks the poor free safety in the nuts, subsequently getting penalized half the distance to the goal line THE OTHER WAY, prompting Gil to remind the Flubber referee of the proper ruling, that it’s defined under personal foul, according to Valley Conference Comments on the Rules, therefore should only be assessed 25 yards. The game is played under protest, to be played at when the game started, the date sometime in December just after Gil’s party.


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rioting On The Streets Of Milford After Protest Parade Fails To Settle Issue On Roh’s Fate.”

sub headline

“Roh on indefinite house arrest at the Fleming household after 2nd fumble causes comic strip to lose its charter.”

Did you see this coming

Was Chet obvious

Belching his ire

Contempt for Gil conspicuous

You don’t have to wear your glasses to see what’s new

You don’t have to look again to catch Chet’s spew

Charlie’s mom, hanging her head

Wishing that she were dead

And I realize that there are people out there who are nice people off the field who turn into bug-eyed fanatics wondering why their kid isn’t the next Jordan when the gun goes off or the ball is tapped. Now, in fairness, if you haven’t seen family play sports, you couldn’t possibly understand how easy it is to judge until YOU ARE THE ONE WATCHING YOUR KID PLAY. And I’ll admit that I got overly excited when I first started out but I asked a ton of questions and got better at the game, literally and figuratively.

That said, P2 is just utterly ridiculous. Last month, he was the Sharp Dressed Man and acted the part. Hadley Victor Victoria might have headed out of Dodge with the brass ring but I admired Chet because his points were valid and very well-taken. Today, or tonight, in a star-studded sky that looks like Mr. and Mrs. Roh are watching their kid play sports in one of those tiny jars that you get a Christmas time that spread the sprinkles and stars every which way when you flip it upside down, ad nauseum, Chet is reaching Pro Wrestling Bad Guy status. Sure, unfortunately, the sad reality is there are parents like Chet that get that way.

But Chet is getting melodramatic here. It’s getting to the point where if the trombone player in the Milford Marching Band misses a note on “The Horse”, it’s Gil’s fault, he didn’t prep the player to grease the slide before pre-game warm-ups. Or if the P.A. announcer mispronounces the Rutland player as “Shitter” rather than “Sheeter” when the player originated from German lineage during the Bismarck era and therefore carries the surname “Schitter”, Chet is blaming Gil because he didn’t hand the announcer a media guide or Fodor’s “Milford in 10 Days”. Miracle at the Meadowlands? Gil should have called a time out before the Eagle could make it to the end zone.

And Chet’s wife’s body language says it all. She is dejected, either because Roh got stopped and couldn’t make mama proud or she is embarrassed for Chet’s boorish behavior. Likely a combo of the two. Or maybe the concession stand taco salad loaded too much ostrich beef. Definite Rolaids Moment.

If ya want the other kid on the other fishing team at Mudlark Lake disqualified and yore own kid on his team to grab the trophy cuz yore boy caught 184 walleye and the boy on the other team caught a hammerhead shark, a blatant violation of the rules cuz it’s a foreign object that ain’t got no business in the water, even though it were a fate d’komplait cuz the other kid done it with a Popeel Pocket Fisherman, ya might be a redneck.

And aside from Chet making a jackass of himself, something I’m led to believe will be the norm in the next 2-3 months (Now if he blames Coach T. on Valentines Day because Charlie should have been looking the Russell Stover Dark Chocolates in the tuck, Chet should check in at Milford Psychiatric Associates) , why does Thorpiverse ALWAYS show some kid, adult, Martian, tweener, wheelchair-bound personality from the nursing ho,e out to get some fresh air and take in a game, etc., SMILING or in general having that Stimpy face every time Milford runs into misfortune?

“Milford fumbles!!!!!!!!!!!! Oakwood runs it the other way and scores!!!!!!!!! Oakwood wins!!!!!!!!!!! Oakwood wins!!!!!!!!!!! This is Harry Caray…”





But it’s nice to see Beetle Bailey weigh in and soak in the sights. Snorkel must have given him a 3-day pass.


Robmize, you know I’ll never change. I’ve tried.


Okay, Gene Rayburn is here to restore things to order here on Match Game 2019. Without further ado, you got the floor, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), she thought that Charlie _______________ the ball when Oakwood got it back.”

Did you see this coming

Was the bull shit obvious

Out of his butt

His butthead’s conspicuous

You don’t have to be ahead to cheer your team

Your son doesn’t have to be Montana for him to beam

Mama’s raising lots of cane

Cuz Chet’s just a stinkass pain

And Mama Roh is getting off the mat after Chet Drago insists on making a royal donkey of himself. Good for her. I get the feeling she will be the one who keeps Charlie level-headed when Chet never gets the hint that he should stick to insurance and let Gil do the coaching. Uhhhhhhhh, well, you get the idea. Gil might not be doing any coaching, like he hasn’t in God-knows-when but he’s still an expert in his field. That’s what’s important. If the bus driver crashes the Greyhound into a utility pole because he was too busy on the cell phone with friends but still has his CDL, he’s covered.

Still waiting on the outcome from Mama Roh’s encouragement. Don’t choke on this one, Thorpiverse. All the free throw lines are 15 feet from the basket.

“Will Oakwood tie things or can Milford hang on? We’ll know in a moment. We’ll take a station break with the score, Milford, 14, Oakwood, 7. This is Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

“You know, when my house blew down after some PLO terrorist sailed through town on their way to a convention, we had issues with our house after they set off one bomb too many. We couldn’t possibly invite guests over next week for pot luck supper, let alone use the verandah, except for a fortress should those terrorists return.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Mudlark Brick and Masonry. The good people there were understanding after having been bombed themselves when some of the Japanese took a detour from Pearl Harbor and somehow located Milford in the Rand McNally. The shag carpeting was ruined.

We had cracks in the flagstone brick after shards went all over the lawn. It was hard to get any privacy. Did you ever try to take a dump when Coach Shaw and the kids are on their Sunday afternoon stroll down the street? But Mudlark Brick and Masonry showed me ways to plug those gaps with the finest brick-repairing materials you could lay your trowel on. With the finest Bedford, Indiana limestone, the kind that built the Empire State Building, it gives me and my family piece of mind that the shower stall was once going to The Big Apple as a foundation for the Chrysler Building.

Walls bowing in? Yup, that was a problem but these experts have faced adversity and a Japanese howitzer so they yelled “Tora! Tora! Tora!” when they saw our cupboards in the kitchen about to cave in. Gypsum never looked any better and gave a nice touch to the Lazy Susan containing all our Kashi cereals. We could lean the Amana stove against the wall and the gypsum walls would keep the stove from landing on top of the refrigerator magnets. Did you ever try to cook Shake and Bake in a 3-quart saucepan with your ice cube tray floating in with the chicken breasts? Thank God these pros knew what they were doing.

And how ’bout uneven concrete? Hey, bombs will mess up the promenade leading from the verandah to the bird bath and feeder at the end of our yard. Mudlark Brick and Masonry redesigned the sidewalk so we wouldn’t get vertigo trying to walk with a sack of bird seed on our shoulders. You know how concrete can make you do the 50-yard hurdles if you don’t implement preventive medicine. Concrete mixed well like a baby formula from the cement mixer was the perfect tonic.

But don’t take my word for it. Come in today and see for yourself. If you’ve been victimized by aliens who like to do joy rides on your driveway with their UFO’s and mess up the masonry all around the household, why reach for your Uzi when Milford Brick and Masonry will take most insurance plans? Come on in and check out your own florr plans and tell ’em Coach Thorp and the Milford Neighborhood Vigilante Associates sent ya.”

Go at it, Gang. Chet ought to be done by the time all the stars and dust in the jar settles.

“…I’m not superstitious or even religious, I just want things so true

I’m not worried about things, Gil, they’ll take me away from YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.”

September 10, 2019

The Plot Is Marching Deep Into Enemy Territory. Maybe It’ll Reach The Red Zone.

Filed under: actual action, football, Just Plain Awesome, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 9:03 am


Now I didn’t say it was going to score. Thorpiverse could run into a goal-line stance. Yup, just when we think Joe Montana has engineered the drive that’ll win the Super Bowl, we could experience a reversal of fortune

“Montana sees Rice in the end zone, for the Championship, Montana throws, Rice ha-”


Well, it was fun while it lasted. Joe kept the chains going anyway. And it was smart for Jerry Rice to step out of bounds to kill the clock. That kept The Drive going. I’ll just have to watch it on tape delay after the local news tonight. I think the plot does do reruns.

If I do stay up late, do I want to see that Late Abstractionist footwear again? Thorpiverse apparently forgot to bring his cleats so he went to the locker room to get out his Red Ball specials. Didn’t they wear those items in “Son of Flubber?” They were able to jump over the goal post in that game, as I recall. They could get to the concession stand in one bounce and Coach Thorp would never know. Why run an end around when you could run like a flea on a fly pattern. Just throw to that Oreo sky, I’ll catch the damn thing.

Well, at least the centipede today in P1 has all its legs. Normally, there’s a foot or two missing when we’re engineering the plot, or the football, forward. This time, shoild they score, the good news is, the Mudlarks will have all their appendages attached and I mean, in the proper order. No Toy Story job,  i.e., hand going in the shoulder socket where the collarbone is as a rule located. The hamstring will be right side up. Pectoralis major will be a pectoralis major, not flashing a facade as your tibia.

What about the other team? Will they have their fibula in its right mind? Hey, in this business, you worry about your own problems. I’ll let Coach Andrews worry about how to shoehorn somebody’s humerus and ulna bone out of that Oakwood free safety’s butt.


Come to Jeff Smith Marathon and say hello to Bre and Crystal who run the place professionally and with a smile. They are getting a HUGE shoutout because they treat the customer like a king and keep the place humming in the bargain. Sounds like service to me. Heck, the customers in the waiting room were in a great conversation with the ladies, that’s how much of a rapport they have with customers and the public in general. Factor in great mechanics where the parking area is ALWAYS full(gotta hand it to ’em, they’re BUSY), great gas at great prices, and you have a winner for a business. Take Exit 118 off I-64 in Indiana, follow Indiana 62 West until you see the FIRST road to your left and you are THERE(across the road from Edwardsville UMC).

Gang, support Small Business. You need to go where EVERYBODY knows your name. Bre and Crystal know mine.


And it appears that Mudlarks are finding the seams in Oakwood’s defense and moving forward in their quest for a score. It may have taken 6-7 panels for Milford’s offensive coordinator to make the adjustments but looky here, in P1 they made it to the 9/10 line. Toldja they’d run a screen out right. Caught the O’wood outside linebacker napping.


Because I’m a little overwhelmed after reading some travel magazine article saying we, the general public, would be surprised at what country leads the world in the divorce rate, myself laying money on Papua New Guinea because Christie Brinkley may be foxy-looking but being cooped up with her on an island 24/7 and looking at coconuts and monkeys in trees as your summer social in the South Pacific might not as appealing as what is being stated in the travel brochure

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Leads The Valley Conference In Marriage Annulments Granted, According To The Milford Municipal Clerk’s Office!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Andrews: ‘I kept telling the reporter “My wife and I are still together!” The Ward and June arrangement was just a stopgap until they took the stitches out from my hernia surgery!!!!'”


And P2 gets a little more funkier in the artwork. In P1, shoes were the only issue but the Dadaist Movement has extended itself just a little bit more. And it works.

It’s art worthy of Guggenheim when the quarterback is handing off the Wonder Bread loaf, or faking the French bread and making it LOOK like the fullback is going to rip the sideline with the pumpernickel safely tucked in his bicep.

Speaking of biceps, isn’t it amazing how the quarterback has been pumping iron to fill his right arm with a generous supply of muscle, unclear why he left his left arm so that he’d have to use pour Liquid Drano down his wrist later on to remove the nasty clog.

And again, we THINK this is a fake, sneaking a peek into P3. Mr. Pentagon Head in the background might know, he’s really wrapped up in this cliffhanger. I hope he doesn’t fall out of the stadium, the structure is leaning over again after Milford Disposal dumped another wad under the bleachers. And that sign!!!!! You’d hate to lose it just because the Leaning Tower of Pisa finally gave out and overlapped onto the field. It’d be hell on goal post repairs and the sign might be lost forever. What other comic strip has cheesy generic placards? Should have done some pre-planning, Thorpivsrse.

If ya march yore trailer down Main Street in Milford and ya had ta have the Milford Police, Milford Sheriff’s Department, Milford Reserve Guard, Milford Horse Brigade, Milford Elementary School Patrol Boys, Milford Air National Unit, Milford VFW Post Retired Guard, Local 234, and the Canadian Mounties serve as escorts while yore runnin’ all the red lights, stop signs, yield signs, and the School Zone speed limit warnings, just so ya could make it to the Milford Luxury Estates Trailer Park b’fore they shut the gate at 8:00PM, ya might be a redneck.

3 and 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I remember when I was in school and we would cheer on our high school football team with the war cry

FIRST AND TEN!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST AND TEN!!!!!!!!!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!


I’m confident I don’t need to repeat myself ad infinitum. Anyway, this is how I feel HERE. The plot is going to keep churning up the yardage and ram it down Oakwood’s throat. Man, those Walnuts don’t stand a chance. Just remember, Milford, look the ball in the tuck, don’t grab the nose tackle’s leg when you’re blocking and no unnecessary chances. We don’t need heroes. No long bombs at the 16-yard line. If you’re thinking of going deep in the 18th row where the marching band is playing, forget it. No calling for the ball by the tuba.

Let Pissy Face do his Texas Line Dance while the quarterback executes a fake draw. Those fans sitting in the splotchy staircase that’s leaning over the county line will never know what hit ’em. Neither will Oakwood. That’ll teach Coach Andrews to bolt on Gil when there was normalcy returned to the plot. You’re going to run into shitty plots whether you’re in Milford, New Thayer, Oakwood, Amsterdam, Havana, Rio, etc., Coach Andrews. Serves you right.


And I tell you what, Gang, I just get excited when I read that Alex Trebek holds the Guinness Book of World Records for hosting the most game show segments, 6,829, outdueling, yes, you guessed it, Bob “I moderated the Lincoln-Douglas Debates when I was a college student, majoring in Frontier Broadcast Journalism” Barker. Now I know that Barker did “Milford or Consequences” back  in the ’60’s-early ’70’s and he did a lot of shows so I’m thinking this is a dubious record. After all, the show was shot in the gym and that gets very little usage, the plot spending much more time divided between “Romper Room” and “Another World”. Studio audience in the bleachers? And they’re saying pre-historic Barker didn’t host beaucoup shows where they SHOULD be shooting free throws with the game on the line? Are you serious?


Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O. J. Openly Questions Trebek’s Duration; Will Have Cochran Research The Issue InThe Archives At Milford Public Library!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I KNOW that dude didn’t do better than Wink Martindale. Wink had to have hosted over 7,000 shows of ‘Dialing for Mudlarks’. Ol’ Wink’s a legend here in Milford. Picks up the tab every time at Milford Lounge.”



The Mudlarks want Oakwood to THINK Biff Hawk Schuring is throwing a pigskin but in reality it’s a fake reverse; Tiki Jensen is inflated with Flubber and has the football crammed up his butt, hidden by the overly inflated uniform. I sniffed it out because the referee was a dead giveaway. He’s the great-grandson of Alan Carney, the referee in the “Son of Flubber” game. He just grew a Fu Manchu so that Oakwood wouldn’t notice (“Hey, wasn’t that the guy who signaled a field goal when Biff kicked that 98-yarder?”) . Plus, the atmosphere in Milford Planetarium and Observatory can wreak havoc when you’re trying to read the play; some of the stars on the cardboard cast a poor perspective on Tiki Flubber so he can just float the last 20 yards untouched. Otherwise, you can see Venus in the sky if you squint.



“Coach Andrews, it’s 7-7, 4th quarter.”


“The game is knotted at 7 apiece but Milford threatens to score. They’re 2nd and goal and Coach T. wants to call a time out to talk things over. We’ll head to a commercial break. This is Marty Moon and you’re tuned into WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”


“You know, there are legends and there are LEGENDS. That’s why when I heard that the Guinness Brothers didn’t give Wink Martindale proper respect after he had hosted Milford Bingo Busters (“If ya yell ‘BINGO, you’re BUSTED”) for as long as Marty Moon’s goatee grew from peach fuzz to GQ celebrity statues, we were just a little perturbed here at Milford Beverage Warehouse. Hi, this is Coach Thorp and I wasn’t going to let Mr. and Mrs. Guinness get away with murder, that’s why WDIG is happy to announce the Wink Martindale Marathon, starting this Sunday at 5:00PM, Mudlark Standard Time and will show all of Wink’s memories from beginning to end, 24 hours a day until Wednesday, sponsored by Milford Beverage Warehouse and Milford Sewer Department. Didn’t you get a chill when you were downin’ your Early Times Bourbon Whiskey, $24.99 a bottle, when the contestant decided to go for it? The odds weren’t  favoring the peanut landing on B 24, but that’s why I’m an absentee coach and Wink’s a true star who has his star on the Milford Walk of Fame. Wink told the contestant to go for the gusto, you only go around once in life, and it paid off, the jackpot totaling $35 million. Wink shouldn’t have slobbered on the guy but that’s Wink.

How ’bout kickin’ back with your Evan Williams Hard Cider, $120 a case and kibbitzing while the judges try to decide on a ruling on whether the peanut that landed on N 19 should count, just because it bounced off Wink’s hair? Pretty sure that the judgment ruled in the contestant’s favor on the condition that half his winnings go to Milford Charities Bureau. Wink was all about fair play.

And I remember coming home late one night, half soused, and poppin’ the remote and seeing a tape delay of the show, swipin’ a Bud Dark Burn Lite from the 24-pack on the coffee table, that I bought for $40.99. Thank God I had my Visa Magic Milford Beverage Warehouse Platinum handy cuz I lost the damn thing under the couch. But Wink was in rare form, chastising a couple of contestants after they tried to sneak in Q45 and Z 75. Like Wink couldn’t spell. BINQO? Puh-lease.

And this week, as a special bonus to stoke up the competition for the 6th Annual Frisbee Golf Competition here at the Warehouse, there’s a challenging route, par 4, dog leg left, where your frisbee has to negotiate over the pile of Milford Beer Nuts in the middle of the floor. Talk about a sand trap. Then you have to position yourself to knock the covers off Wink’s bed in a cardboard cut-out showing him sleeping with the assistant female producer of the show. I may not like the concept but sometimes you gotta play the game if you want to host a first-rate operation. It was either that or take Eubanks’ place on the “Newleywed Game” and I couldn’t see him trying to get a couple to stop fighting over their disagreement on where they vacationed in Finland.

It’s all right here at Milford Beverage Warehouse. And have your sleeping bag ready this Sunday where you can go back to the good ol’ days and sip a cold Coors while enjoying the Marathon. Come down and get your TV bill of fare and tell ’em Wink and Coach Thorp sent ya.”


All right, Gang. It’s all yours. I hope Ned Brainerd used the right amount of  Flubber this time; the last time, Tiki ran into his flying Model T and both landed on top of The Bucket.


“Do you know how to make a dead baby float?”

Gil and Mimi are clueless


“Oh, Coach, I’m sorry, it’s 2 scoops of dead babies and a Bucket Root Beer. Well, since you couldn’t tell the Truth AND you live in Milford, you’ll have to pay the Consequences…”



September 9, 2019

Leave It To Chance

Filed under: actual action, football, Oakwood — nedryerson @ 6:00 am


The opener against Oakwood has mostly been the Chance Macy Show. Remember back in summer when the coaching staff saw the promise in this sophomore competing for the half back slot?

But we don’t really expect to learn much about Chance Macy besides his performance here, do we? Chance just happens to be the player who will take the starting spot from Charlie Roh, who is Chet Ballard’s stepson. What we know about Chet Ballard is that he just seems like one of those Milford dicks. He’s kind of a hybrid dick though. He’s a combo aggrieved parent/school official. So he has multilevel malice towards Gil.

Sorry Chance. You’re just pawn in game of Gil Thorp.

Seeing a guy break off long runs like Chance Macy does kind of remind me of high school football back in my day when it seemed like most teams lived or died with running backs. When a team had a great one, they’d feed him the ball thirty times a game and ride him to victory. I’m thinking of the coaching staff of Escambia High in Pensacola, Florida who didn’t do anything for four years except get the ball to Emmitt Smith.

Those were the days.

September 7, 2019

Stop The Presses!!!!!!!!! They’re Playing Football!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: actual action, football, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 8:20 am


Gang, some of you old-timers might remember when George Plimpton did a commercial for Intellivision where he praised the football action on the screen and criticized the Atari Video Football Game because it left him, in his own words, “rather flat”.

Well, of course, Atari wasn’t going to let Intellivision walk away without a rebuttal so they hired Ed “Too Tall” Jones, a stand-out defensive lineman (dude was 6’9″, that’s TALL in football. I wouldn’t wanna block him) for the Dallas Cowboys back in the ’70’s, to promote their football video game. Here’s what he had to say

“I’m hearin’ Mr. Plimpton flappin’ his jaws about Atari Football. Well, I PLAY football so I know. And it’s got real passing. And real kicking. And I can sack the quarterback ALL BY MYSELF. So who you gonna listen to, some dude who just talks football or a nice guy like ME who PLAYS it????”

That’s what I remember anyway. Jones would have his hand on the stick while maneuvering the football players on the screen, going through his sales pitch. It helped that he had his pads and uniform on, as if he had just stepped off the field. And it helped that he ended the commercial with a toothy smile. Which is what I think was the idea. I may be stompin’ yo’ ass in the turf, Mr. Plimpton, but I’m bein’ a gentleman about it. The rebuttal worked.

Gotta hand it to Thorpiverse today. There’s REAL football action today. REAL runnin’. REAL evadin’ the defense. REAL tacklin’. I had to check the video manual several times, make sure the DVD was inserted properly, make sure the wide-screen TV was plugged in, make sure my popcorn was properly buttered. You know how friends like to spike the Orville Redenbacher Special-Popt.

Now don’t get your hopes up, Gang. You KNOW if you saw Chet Ballard showing what some high school parents are like the other day, the Atari action figures might be taking a breather for a TV time out while we return to “Peyton Place”. As a couple of TWIMers have noted, Chet is still smarting from the smackdown he got from Hadley Video. I don’t think he intends to lose the grudge match.

Really, the new Atari has REAL bitchin’. And REAL arguin’. There’s Chet down on the sideline doin’ some REAL rantin’ and REAL ravin’ at Gil, askin’ why isn’t his stepson the REAL McCoy. He’s doin’ some REAL fumblin’. They didn’t list that in the video instructions, under the icon list.


If yore Atari Live Action Hog Rasslin’ Video has REAL hogs and REAL mud and yore tryin’ ta move the stick around all over the living room cuz yore doin’ some REAL rasslin’ with a Yorkshire and it’s doin’ some REAL squealin’ cuz ya got it on the 2 count and ya go huntin’ in the woods later on fer REAL blammin’ yore gonna do on REAL squirrels, ya might be a redneck.

Okay, Thorpiverse, you’ve convinced me, you CAN play some football when the occasion arises and when it counts. I salute you. But any way we can eliminate those Gazoo helmets? Whoa, hoss. In the Berrill days, players like Luke Bunkin had helmets they could fit their Bucket Burgers in and still be able to tighten their chin strap, no problem. Those things today look like something I’d be wearing when I’ve got my ray gun and I’m hopelessly trying to hit Buck Rogers on the chest. Science fiction and football makes for strange bedfellows.

Sheesh, I can’t even imagine Chet Ballard coming in Monday morning and chewing out Coach Thorp in his office or Coach Shaw in another dimension with THAT thing on. Complaining about his stepson’s PT?

“Mr. Vader, I promise Luke will get more touches in the next game. We’ll work on late-game fumbling procedures on the practice galaxy.”


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.’s Football Video Game ‘Simpson Smashes The Big Boys On The Gridiron-2019!!!!’ Out In Stores Today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Man, you oughta see how high I could jump. If you move the stick right, you can leap over L.C. Greenwood and Mean Joe Greene for a TD.”


And P2 is STILL MORE football action. And Tiki is in an actual football uniform doing some actual tackling playing an actual football position. Even the terminology is being used correctly today. No more “Blitz right on the block-out during the second free throw”. Sure I bought the right video? I had my heart set on the Madden 2019 XBox 2376, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman version. That’ll teach me to pay attention when I’m shopping  at the  Milford Wal-Mart and I look away at the Marie Callender Frozen Creamed Hackberry Pie endcap while taking the video off the rack. I wonder if real action videos are refundable. I’ll ask the CSM at Wal-Mart.

The other glitch I noticed is that while the wrap-around technique deserves a 4-star rating, it is hoped the Oakwood Walnut running back still has his Hanes on when he’s being helped up. Tiki grabbed lots of his rear end. What was he instructed in practice, Gil?

“Dammit, Jansen, that’s the 4th time I’ve had to tell you to hang on to his butt!!!!!!! You’ll never tackle a guy by his tailbone!!!!!!!!! And quit wrapping around his pelvic area!!!!!!!!!”

Take one for the team, Tiki.


Oh, boy, I’ve got the XBox “Who Shot Coach Shaw 2019 SLR 5113” game and I’m about to find out WHO SHOT COACH SHAW, nah, nah, nah, NAH, nah. I understand there’s REAL shootin’. And REAL stabbin’. And REAL dancin’ at the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club. None of this flatboard Cha Cha stuff you’ll find on the Atari games. Awright, here we go


But I understand Saab bought them out!!!!!!! Where’s my receipt?


We return to reality in P3. Didn’t this scene occur from “A View to a Kill”? Isn’t May Day the one that’s #31 about to take off that uniform and sneak over to press the button to jettison the Mudlarks out of the Zorin Industries balloon? And whattup with the tables? Zorin Industries serves sloppy joes and green eggs and ham when Max Zorin is discussing total world domination on shoulder pads? Marjie Ducey, you better have your pen and steno note pad ready. If you haven’t been dumped in the ocean first.

“So, Gentlemen, an investment of $30 zillion from each of you is all that is needed to run out the competition and COMPLETELY bring Milford Valley to its knees. Furthermore-”

“Zorin, you’re so full of shit, you could stand dog poop on end without a prop. I only got $20 zillion and I ain’t wasting it on some Tommy Rich hair jerk who I could knock over with JUST a knee pad.”

“Very well, Mr. Thorp. Well, the rest of the meeting must be held in COMPLETE confidentiality. Would you mind stepping outside?”

“Anything to get away from a man Tiki could tackle with both hands tied behind his back.”

“May Day will show you to the bar for a drink”

“This way, Mr. Thorp.”

“Thank you. Hey, where’s my playbook-





Then there’s those concrete floors. Oh, well, with $30 zillion, Zorin can buy a floor that Steve Luhm can actually buffer on without picking up concrete shards in the buffer pad.


“And that’ll wrap up the first half. Things have quieted down since the Milford National Guard escorted Chet Ballard out of the stadium. I know you want your stepson to be the next O.J. Simpson but God almighty. With score, Oakwood, 7, Milford, 0, this is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”


“Y’know, when I’m not coaching kids, with REAL addresses or UNREAL, I like to unwind and sink my teeth into the finer things of The Good Life.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. And the entrants are still comin’ in for the 6th Annual Frisbee Golf Tournament. We are just overwhelmed by all the people lining up at the table by register #7. It just goes to show how much fun and booze we have around here. When you have a place that’s got REAL beer, not that pseudo-Bud Lite stuff that The Bucket is trying to disguise as Bucket Tapioca Pudding Float, well, the people know where to go for REAL Coors is all I can say.

And where else can you go for REAL fun? I understand the EPA shut down The Bucket Sand Volleyball Tournament for one day until the absentee owners could convince the EPA it wasn’t being used as a litter box anymore. And this pushed back the double-elimination format back a couple of days.

Not at Milford Beverage Warehouse. Where else can you go for REAL targets? A par 3 dog left left until you hit Bud Man on his machine-operated moveable butt while discoing to KC & The Sunshine Band’s “Shake Your Booty”? Makes me want to shake my own.

How ’bout the challenging par 5 dog leg right where ya gotta clear the lane separating the Jim Beam Hickory Water stacks? Boy, knock one of those things over and you’ve got whiskey all over your Izod and your frisbee won’t spin true the rest of the Tournament. And you still have to hit the fan inside the freezer of all the Miller Genuine Draft Tall Boys without setting off the alarm? Better bring your game, people. Talk about a REAL challenge.

And as if things couldn’t get any more daunting, check out the par 4 dog left left where you gotta hit the Milford Snacks Lo-Fat Pork Rinds bag in the middle of the Milford Valley Aged Supreme Since 1758 White Wine rack. If you hit the bag without knocking over the bottles, you’ll get a Milford Snacks Gift Card for $25. Shoot, The Bucket can’t match that. You can cart out Milford Snacks Sour Cream Potato Chips by the 3-pak and some bags of Milford Snacks Hard Shell Peanuts and still be able to buy that 24 pack of Schlitz Dark ‘n’ Dry and still be able to buy your kids gum out of the gumball machine up front. You can’t even buy a Bucket Burger with their gift card and still pay the parking fine.

Come on in and get some REAL booze, either Budweiser in the 12-pack for a price so low I can’t say it over the radio or The Bucket customers would be stampeding HERE to grab and go or some Skyy Vodka for a song and a dance. If you can do the Rumba, you got the booze. Step right up to the plate and get some REAL booze at REAL prices while checkin’ out all the REAL action on this Frisbee Golf Tournament and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya up to pinch-hit.”


All right, Gang, have at it. All this REAL action is just killin’ my heart. Better sit down on the sofa.


Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Sues Atari Over Design Of Equipment!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I didn’t have no flat head when I was executing an off-tackle right play. What was ‘Atari O.J. 2019 RTX 2385′ thinkin’?”

September 5, 2019

Everybody Was Kung Fu Fumbling.

Filed under: actual action, Coach Shaw, football, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Marty Moon, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 10:55 am


Ruh Roh. Me and Scooby Doo and the rest of the TWIMers are hangin’ on the edge of our seats with that one phrase I get a sick-gut feeling is going to be the anthem sung the next few months. It might attain cliche status when it is all said and done but Gil is one giant cliche, so we’re not alone. Share the banality, Man.

And where else do you start but with Marty Moon? I will faint the day Dick Vitale shows up in the WDIG booth along with Mike Patrick to perform his schtick in front of Mudlark students fresh from burning Beatle records (Just because Lennon said “We’re bigger than Coach Thorp”?) and French Revolution activities (Vive Le Football Arc!!!!!!!!!!) .

And Marty is getting off on the right foot, his CBS NCAA College Basketball Tournament Draw not quite filled out on his laptop

“And Chance Macy scampers up the middle for a gain of about 4, second and 6-hmmmm, UCLA vs. Wofford? Nah, Bruins got too much talent-Wow!!!!!! What a hit Tiki leveled on that Oak-Acorn-Triplet-Nutcase tailback!!!!!!-geez, how ’bout North Carolina and Bucknell, I dunno, look what ol’ Bucky did to Kansas in the first round one year, gotta go with my gut and predict an upse-Fleming down on the ground after being speared in the crotch, the Oak-Acorn-Triplet-Nutcase is ejected, being escorted by the Milford Police and Coach Andrews-no way, St. Olaf’s ain’t gonna touch Duke even if they are hosting the first two gam-The trainer is down on the field, pulling down Fleming’s pants, it appears he forgot to stick his cup in when he was donning his jock strap-let’s see, Indiana and New Hampshire School of Architecture, hey, there’s parity in college basketball, any given da-THERE GOES MACY, HE’S ALL ALONE, THE 30, THE 20, THE 10, TOUCHDOWN, MILFORD-that’s a toss-up, Texas Tech and Brigham Young, if BYU’s center can shake off his knee injury…”


Gang, remember those old movies at around 11:00PM (“Where is Keri and Jaime, Gil?”) , where the Oriental family (Chinese, Burmese, Japanese, Korean, miscellaneous Far Eastern nationality) was using their martial arts (Karate, Kung Fu, Judo, etc.) for just about ANY reason? Mom hung the laundry on the line and Dad asked Mom how long before his Hanes dried, kick, kick, kick box, oh, about another hour, kick, punch, flip, dance on clothesline. That’s good, kick, punch, scratch his private area, I have that meeting with Coach Thorp this afternoon, he’s interviewing me for equipment manager, jab, swing, cobra position, no problem, I should have you ready along with your best pin-stripe suit, punch, kick, reverse kick on a booth at The Bucket.

Isn’t that really what this arc is, Chinese Dad died and is now kick-boxing with Jesus, replaced by Chet Ballard who still needs to learn a few moves to get the hang of this arc? No worries. I’m sure Charlie can show Chet, er, American Dad (“Dad” for short) the ropes on B Movie Martial Arts techniques.

Charlie, kick, box, SLAM, jab, poke, kick again, call me Dad, kick, punch, WHAP, slap, I will, once you take this pebble out of my hand, Chet, kick, punch, BAM, BOOM, slap, punch, Chet down on the ground in obvious pain, Dr. Pearl’s Model T policy in his hand

“Chet, you’re going to have to do better anticipating the cross kick. Shouldn’t have left your fly open.”


If yore return volley from some punk Oriental kid who just keeps harassin’ ya with kick, jab, punch, kick box is the tried-and-true load, lock, sight, aim, BLAM and the kid goes runnin’ home ta mamma with buckshot up his britches, ya might be a redneck.


What better way for Now-You-See-Him-Now-You-Don’t Shaw to return to the sidelines than P2 where he is contributing his two bits worth to Bruce Lee’s-Stepfather-Disguised-as-Don Everly-In-Obvious-Need-of-Dentu-Creme? I just love it when Coach Shaw can handle all the details so that Gil can get down to business and concentrate on the team. Without Coach Shaw and his Take-My-Quarterback-Please one-liners to fill in the gaps of the plot and move that and the chains on the sideline, the football team would still be at the 1-yard line. No sense in Gil trying to teach the 46 defense without help. Did you ever see Buddy Ryan without Henny Youngman? Rest my case.

Only, why is Gil shouting ACROSS the field? I thought your players were along the same sidelines with you unless the game’s a forfeit and we’re just scrimmaging and exchanging a few players to round out the roster at a couple of key positions. Unless Roh is engaged in warfare with Coach Andrews. Yeah, that’s it

Coach, kick, kick, box, slam helmet on Andrews’ head, your team sucks and belongs in a pasture with the rest of the cows, slap, kick, box, oh yeah?, punch, jab, swat, box, where does your coach style his hair, at The Spaghetti Factory?, kick, WHAP, flip, accidentally smack referee with judo chop for 15 yard penalty, well, at least I didn’t leave the team 30 years ago and try to start my own strip, without Thorpiverse, you’re worthless like your team, kick, jab, box, you’ll be stuck in 30 years, too, trust me, kick, box, punch, flip, fart,…


Everybody was Kung Fu fumbling

And the plot was kick-box bumbling

Even though Roh’s play was frightening

He fumbled with expert timing


And while we’re going the Oriental movie route, no Oriental movie, or foreign language film in general, is complete without the lip-synch track attempting to match the words of our Oriental actors and actresses. Gil Kai-Shek is no exception. You THINK he is saying

“Roh, check in for Chance!!!!!!!!!!”

But when Gil’s lips keep moving, you know he had to have said more than that, so here is Gil conveying what he REALLY said in his native Cantonese

“ROH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get your ass over here and quit bitchin’ at Andrews!!!!!!!!!! Geez Louise, you’re slower than Marty sippin’ bourbon at the Milford Lounge. Check in at the scorer’s table!!!!!!!! DUMBASS, it’s right over there where Tiki’s pickin’ his nose, THERE, OVER THERE, NO DIPSHIT, not by the cheerleaders, you’re gonna get a karate kick with their megaphone, YES OVER THERE, where Scott’s usin’ a surgical tool on the halfback’s hamstring!!!!!!!!!! NOW WAIT UNTIL THE REF SIGNALS YOU IN, STUPID!!!!!!!!!! We still gotta kick the extra point, oh, Jesus, Coach Shaw, I hope he doesn’t have this much trouble at the scorer’s table in basketball, the scorer speaks Mandarin…”


And the signage is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Us Thorpiverse veterans relish that placards at a football game carry the day and were practically the 12th man at the football games during the Berrill years.  I don’t know what the sign in the background is saying, I never studied Shanghainese at Milford Community College but I have my dictionary handy (Langenscheidt’s Shanghainese-English, English-Shanghainese, 3rd Edition, 25th Printing)

“Eat  my shorts, Coach Andrews!!!!!!!!!!!”

The lack of Chinese characters in Andrews’ name was a dead giveaway. The rest was all over but the shouting

“Roh will kick-box you lard butts back to Oakwood!!!!!!!!”

Fortunately, the declension for “Kick-box” was in the intro pages of the dictionary

“Coach Shaw and your team will disappear!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Goin’ for the gut. Couldn’t find the polite form of “Your”. Had to improvise.

“Your mother drives a rickshaw!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Boy, that’ll demoralize the competition


Oooooooooookkkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back with Match Game ’19, here to get the Cultural Revolution on its knees. You have the floor, Gene

Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Chow Mein was a Tagalog dialect in the country of ____________________.


I’m assuming you saw the physique of Charlie “Ruh” Roh (Gotta love ya, Chris Berman) the other day. Between then and now, he must have read one too many Richie Rich comic books, all the way to the Charles Atlas section and taken things to heart. Threatened by his stepdad to call Chet Baker, “Dad”, or Ruh Roh would dry up and blow away, the pumping iron and the sophomore team bus has apparently paid off. Now if he can just hang onto Mr. Potato Head, the workout will pay even more dividends.

But the more I ponder the issue, the more I realize THAT’S THE IDEA. Fumble a toy you could carry around the house with your eyes closed, thereby stretching the plot all the way to Thanksgiving, or beyond, if Gil’s Christmas Party isn’t in full swing. Where’s your sense of adventure. Personally, I like people who had nothing better to do than score touchdowns and win the game fumble the toy-OH, THAT’S A FOOTBALL-around and cuss the referee out in Mandarin Chinese. First time somebody got an unsportsmanlike flag when the ref couldn’t understand a word he said. Yeah, right, Thorpiverse, save Roh’s 8 TD, 465 yard performance until Hanukkah. Build some excitement for 3 months and climax it with Roh being Mayor of Milford For The Day or sit on Santa’s lap, the reader’s pick. I can see the logic.


“And Roh coughs up the ball and Macy is beating the tar out of him on the sidelines. Roh is countering with kick, box, punch while Macy is continuing with beat his ass, beat his ass, beat his ass. Looks like the coaches are separating them, finally, and this gives me an opportunity to go to a station break. This is Marty Moon for WDIG radio, a division of Lear Field Sports.”


“Folks, would you like to have a blast while buying your favorite liquor at your headquarters for liquor. Well, here’s your chance to enter the 6th Annual Frisbee Golf Classic held right here at Milford Beverage Warehouse.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp. And, boy, you oughta see the beaucoup entrants in this tournament lining up for a piece of history. The course will be challenging and the booze will be flowing. This year, we made some changes to make the course more exciting. It’s not much fun throwing a frisbee at a cardbaord cut-out of Chester Cheetah on a par 3, dog leg left by the Durango Tequila rack. Why not spice up the competitive juices and award a man a case of Bud if he can knock the jar of Planters out of Mr. Peanut’s hand? We’ll admit we also caught some flak because hitting the freezer door of Big Ass Bourbon Freezees on a par 5, straightaway was child’s play so we used the forklift to hoist the freezer up 3 stories. Try flippin’ your Whammo! at the Jack Daniel Slushees now. We also made sure that the men’s and women’s rest rooms are WELL-MARKED this year. No more surprises. The men should find the door for stall #3 on a par 5 dog leg right in the men’s room, no problem. Fortunately, the women only screamed twice last year. We didn’t have to involve the Milford Police.

And while you’re entering, check out these door busters. Miller High Life Genuine Draft, 18-pack, a steal at 24.99. And how ’bout Jim Beam Natural Smoke Fine Smelt Whiskey? We’ll only charge you what we would charge your family AND if you buy now, we’ll knock off another dollar AND you’ll get a free Top-flite 280x Frisbee, perfect for joining in the fun while gettin’ half-sloshed. Hey, you might win the Tournament plus get the prized for Most Stoked at the Stake. And don’t forget to buy plenty of Milford Vending Beer Nuts. At a price of 6.99/can, you can wash it down with a cold case of Coors, fresh out of the refrigeration unit we have in the back of the store for only 48.99/case. Sorry, we will not be able to use the refrigerator door as a frisbee target this year as the janitor will be buffering the concrete floor that night.

Goodness, come on in and fill out a form for this Tournament. We understand The Bucket is trying to plead their case for a liquor license by sponsoring a Sand Volleyball Tournament. Where are they going to get the sand? Mudlark Lake is cordoned off this weekend for that Aerosmith concert. If you really don’t care to know like I don’t, get a move on down here for fun, frisbees, and foam and leave your Happy Meal attitude at The Bucket. Tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.


All right, Gang, it’s all yours. Do you really want to know or care if Roh is going to ride the bench for the next 3 months from today’s gaffe in P3? I thought not.





“Your quarterback eats Bucket Chow Mein from the children’s menu!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Those lessons in Tibetan are paying off.

September 4, 2019

So You’re Telling Me There’s a Chance


How can the bonfire be annual if we haven’t seen it in four years? Oh yeah – the good ol’ tell, don’t show. Young Jerry Lewis seems unfazed as he flashes a jazz hand and prepares to follow the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate Flaming Fist of Fury to Oakwood.

Speaking of things that haven’t been seen in a while: when was the last time you saw a football player wearing long sleeves? Must be getting cold early in Oakwood. Chance Macy has “broken loose” but he’s surrounded by three Oaks Owls, one of whom is on an immediate collision course with him. Looks like those knees might get tangled up, leading to a call to Trainer Rick Scott and an opening for Charlie “Ruh” Roh to step up, make an impact, and help stepdad Chet Ballard forget his weak showing against Hadley V. Baxendale. Wait, Tiki Jansen’s still on the team? Forget that last bit, then.

September 3, 2019

For They March Out To Bastille Day-Oh, It’s A Milford Pep Rally. Never Mind.

Filed under: Bonfire!, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, Oakwood — tdrewhardin @ 8:05 am


Oh, brother. Gil, we know you’re trying to have Marjie’s back because she’s a Boswell for your perpetual youth movement that’s been interrupted occasionally by a few championship teams that actually had leaders who had actual addresses, but puh-lllleeassee, don’t confuse Marjie’s Milford Middle School 7th-grade journalism with Grantland Rice.

“Coach Thorp said it wasn’t polite to point. Coach Thorp said his football team will do good. Coach Thorp said he is proud of his team. He says they work hard. He says they eat lots of sandwiches. He says they are the sheet. He says they’ll win the confferance. He says he doesn’t know where Tiki lives at.”

…will do WELL, Kiddies. And you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.

Gil, the only time Marjie showed up was when she asked about your practice habits and you practically shut her up with a sloppy joe. You had her singing “Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener” by the time the ambulance hauled Sam Finn off to the Milford Minor Emergency Clinic. Yeah, Gil, you got a lot done that day. Finn was laying on one of those flatboards with a fan blowing on him in one of the 1,548, 396 rooms a minor emergency clinic has at its disposal and you fattened the sacrificial cow with Manwiches. Another day at the office.

Oh, I forgot, she came to your office because she was concerned about the LEFT SIDE of your office. Everything on your right side was fine, championship memorabilia at its finest, e.g., Gil posing with Jerry Pulver for the State Championship, Gil sitting next to Whitey Herzog at the counter in a St. Louis bar, one of those with the Budweiser sign shining brightly, Arkansas being able to locate it, etc.

But the left side is a disaster. You posing with Jamie and Keri after they won the Pre-K Division at Milford Mini-Links? Your bowling trophy you won at the Milford Lanes raffle? The Speaker of the Year plaque garnered at the Milford Lion’s Club Luncheon? Rubik’s cube from the Milford Athletic Club Silent Auction?

Hard-hitting journalism at its finest. Marjie, if Tiki and his roommate Fleming don’t win an ESPY, it’s a crime.


Milford students at the fire

Catering is at the hire

Burn the deadwood into ash

Yell that Oakwood’s just a buncha trash


For they march out to the Rally Day

Homework left in their locker for a spell

They just shout out all the expletives

This rally’s short a second coming of Hell


After attending my local university’s men’s soccer match the other day and walking by the Port-o-Lets in the university’s football stadium’s parking lot where I parked my vehicle

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“EPA Shuts Down Portable Toilets At Milford Football Stadium After Neighborhood Associations Complain Of Stench Pervading The Streets!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Floral cited roses with stunted growth and azalea bushes budding well into June; ‘No more jalapeno peppers on Ducey’s sloppy joes PLEASE. The rhododendrons are dying’.”


PRE-SEASON PREVIEW? Mimi, since WHEN has Marjie Ducey worked for Street & Smith? Yeah, their Valley Conference Football Roundup Edition. I’d LOVE to see the Predicted Order of Finish. I’ve been losing sleep over where New Thayer is going to wind up in the standings. We know Oakwood is going to get burned at the stake so you can save your Manwich-stained pen on that one. Again, she has come in and asked only about 2 questions that have amounted to anything and that ain’t saying much. They were of the “Bigger than a bread basket” variety. All she was doing was rubber-stamping Gil’s pomposity when she wasn’t feeding from Gil’s trough. Chris Berman didn’t ask Joe Torre if the left side of Yankee Stadium was going to be a factor this year. Sure, Chris, after we gave Derek Jeter Blu-Blocker glasses, he found out that the right side of Yankee Stadium wasn’t Yellowstone. Tore the cover off the ball after that. Andy Pettite started throwing strikes after we moved the left side of Yankee Stadium out of the subway. Want another Happy Meal?

Then there’s The Boss (A moniker he hated, BTW, and still does) putting his arm around Mimi. Is Bruce still married? I can see the matchup

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rumors Intensifying Over Possible Love Tryst Between Mimi And Springsteen!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“All I said was ‘Darkness on the Edge of Town’ was lovely; all of a sudden we’re drinking out of the same Bucket Vanilla Shake, according to Marty.”


In Mimi’s room

We make love while Gil’s at practice

Roll in the sheets and play basketball

Lost at a game of H-O-R-S-E


She’s so fun

Better than the time with Dr. Pearl

Had to give her CPR

And lots of Mountain Dew to sit up


There’s a sadness

In her pretty face

A face without a team

From which no








And the blood rushes through my veins…


“Candy’s Room” is the name of the tune if you whippersnappers want to catch the rest of Bruce’s tune. I have some Gil-slaying still to do.


Gang, I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt and say that in P1, Gil did NOT leave his washing machine in the middle of the road, let alone park it perpendicular to the street. I will stick my neck out and say that the line is an elongated parking lane produced by a Milford Traffic Department employee who went a little overboard with the Pittsburgh Paint Off White and that washing machines have no tail lights. But only this one time.


Okay, you whippersnappers, here we go again with another dose of Rush


Ooooohh, there’s no bread, let them eat cake

There’s no end to what players partake

Sloppy joes and bar-b-q ribs

Load your plate from the corn cob cribs


For they march out to the Rally Day

Concession stand is shut down for the night

All the anger spewed from players and fans

Marjie taking notes after one more bite


Then there’s P2. How many times do I gotta tell The Omega Man that these nocturnal albino creatures are just going to start some shit at these pep rallies? We have enough on our plate without worrying about someone who really needs to be in a zombie movie when he’s not harassing Charlton Heston who’s only trying to finish his Bucket o’ Pasta and Frankfurters at the deserted Bucket (hey, it’s sci-fi, work with me) . Can’t our nocturnal nemesis please transfer to The Shining? Oh, wait a minute, it’s just Gil who had his eyes taken out by some voodoo witch when Gil cut his son from the freshman team. Thank God Mimi is there to be a seeing-eye dog. And I think if you extend the right hand of fellowship and give these nocturnal creatures a plate of corn dogs, they should settle down. Milford City Police won’t have to utilize their riot gear that way. A win-win situation.


Mimi, don’t you play with the students or your playing with fire.

So the students own some land down on Mudlark Lake, next to St. John Wood.


Sorry, Mimi, I tried to fit a Thorpiverse square peg into a Rolling Stones round hole. I honestly tried.


One more time, Gil and Mimi, MARJIE SUCKS.

Can you not get the hint? Marjie’s journalism belongs in the Thrifty Nickel or in one of those handouts on Winnebagos you see at the Milford Truck Stop. She stops in for a cup of coffee and sloppy joes, writes about the camper with garage space and a wide-screen TV based upon what we’ve seen from her the last few days and you got the nerve to make it sound like she travels with the team. Gil, she occupies the lower level that Bugs Bunny resides in year-round, then when she sees her shadow, she gets her pad and Paper-mate, writes a ballad about team-depending-on-season, then goes back home to hibernate until the winter season. Even the blob in the background will attest to that. Sheesh, it looks like it’s already DEVOURED Oakwood.


Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Files EPA-Approved Restrictive Usage Order Through Cochran For Bonfire Rally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Whheewwwieee, man, you oughta smell the linen closet in my condo after they burn them wieners when the Port-a-Potties are nearby; one night I had to go to Milford 7-11 to get a case of Glade after the Tilden Rally.”


Gang, the signs haven’t changed in 60 years and they are about as original as something a Romper Room graduate would paint on their placards. “Fire it up”???????? “Toast Oakwood”???????? C’mon, this isn’t school spirit, not with lukewarm cliches that some struggling comedian was using in “Punchline.”

“Stick those marshmallows on a stick and burn their asses!!!!!!!!!!”

“Coach Andrews uses Marjie’s steno notes for toilet paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Roast Oakwood next to the dead pig, there’s room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oakwood stinks like this Port-a-Pot I’m sittin’ in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Eat my shorts and jump on a pile of cow manure when the moon is full and the Labor Day Telethon brings out the 1,000,000th kid, probably the son of Oakwood parents, to get on his hands and knees for one more donation…”

Okay, someone ran wild with the last one. I can’t control the fanatics, sorry.

But THOSE are signs sure to intimidate!!!!!!!!!! School spirit will be at fever pitch and the Mudlarks are sure to coast to victory over Oakwood, even with Gil’s inept coaching. in the bag, folks.


Lessons taught, but never learned

Effigies of Tod Andrews burned

Guide the Mudlarks by the past

At the 3rd quarter, the mould was cast


For they march out to the Rally Day

La Guillotine claimed Gil’s bloody hair

Hear the students cry “ol’ Oakwood stinks!!!!”

Riots in Milford’s streets, the ‘Larks’ bill of fare


If ya lit one too many matches and the the fire starts ragin’ outta control and it sets the Port-a-Potties a-blazin’, causin’ the EPA to shut down the event because the agency notates that it smells too much like yore bloodhound’s dog house after you notated on a signboard “Oakwood eats squirrel meat for breakfast!!!!!!!!”, ya might be a redneck.



Ooooooookkkkkk, here’s a recipe sure to please at your next bonfire and/or football pre-season picnic

Turkey Cordon Bleu Casserole

Prep time, 20 minutes, give or take 8 minutes, depending on how long it takes Coach Shaw to shoot the turkey in some woods on Mr. Green Jeans’ property

2 cups uncooked Milford IGA Elbow Macaroni (or Kraft for those of you who can afford Hadley Venom as a lawyer)

2 cans (10.75 ounces apiece) Milford IGA Condensed Cream of Chicken Soup, undiluted, straight from Gil’s distillery he hides from the police behind Tiki’s cave

3/4 cup 2% milk

1/4 cup Bucket Parmesan Cheese, freshly ground after the Italian sausage got washed off the grater

1 teaspoon French’s Mustard

1 teaspoon paprika

1/2 teaspoon dried rosemary, crushed after the cat and Gil’s kids walked on the dead bush

1/4 cup garlic powder

1/8 teaspoon rubbed sage, better when it’s the freshest rubbed, as from Marty’s goatee, especially when he’s at the mike railing at Gil

2 cups cubed cooked turkey

2 cups cubed fully cooked ham, freshly shot from Gil at a slaughterhouse because he’s too lazy to hunt in the woods with Coach Shaw

2 cups shredded Bucket Part-Skim Part-Spiked Mozzarella Cheese

1/4 cup crushed Ritz Crackers (depending on number in line at picnic)


Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cook macaroni as per Bucket signage by the freezer door.

Meanwhile, whisk together soup, milk, Parmesan cheese, mustard, and seasonings, careful not to let Marty’s goatee hairs slip into concoction.

Drain macaroni in the sewer extension located in the back parking lot of The Bucket; add macaroni to the soup goulash and toss to combine. Mimi’s Hamilton Beach Smoothie Blender would be divine but use your better judgment. Transfer to a greased 13 x 9-inch baking dish or 8 greased 8-ounce ramekins. Do not use Gil’s surf board, even if it’s been greased. Said cooking ware will not fit in oven and has been farted upon one too many times and would ruin the flavor of the dish. Sprinkle with crackers

Bake for 25-30 minutes, until bubbly or Bucket label from cheese disappears. Serves a football team of 120, give or take Marjie Ducey. Tell Marjie that while she’s sitting on her derriere eating the equivalent of the football team’s appetite to look up the word “ramekin”.


Gang, It’s all yours. I love pep rallies, having been a high school booster for ages but I’m stayin’ away from Gil. That look in his eye, I dunno…



“Gil, shut the door. Stop worrying, I’m heading down the hallway to the studio now. I promise nothing but positive things about the team. Nothing about your hair or eyes.”


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