This Week in Milford

March 16, 2022

“Coaching”? Bwahahahaha! >snort<

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to post today’s strip but I can’t stop laughing at it. Will update directly. >snort<

Phew! That took longer than I thought.

Of all Milford’s rivals Valley Tech is always the chippiest, and the girl with the blue ponytail does her best to keep up that tradition. First with the reach-in, which begs the question: If someone fouls Hollis, does that make her a Talley whacker? Then, having heard all the on-court talk about Hollis being a selfish, bossy snitch, VT girl fires off a sarcastic fascist salute. Heil Hollis!

All that pales in comparison to the chef’s kiss that is the last panel. Acquiescing to a player’s request to change positions and, well, letting her succeed there is considered “coaching”? Pretty low bar to clear in Milford to be sure, but that’s no bar at all. Maybe Gil agrees and he’s the one being sarcastic.

Oh, and when was the last time you saw anyone play racquetball? For me, I think it was during Poppy Bush’s administration. Even then, everybody’s racquets had strings.

May 20, 2021

Baby, I’m Amazed Too.

Filed under: huge earrings, Marjie Ducey, oversize objects — tdrewhardin @ 12:37 pm

Baby, I’m amazed at the way libraries gettin’ all the time

Maybe I’m amazed that way is permanent

Baby, I’m amazed how they pull us out of time

Hang us on a line

Baby, I’m amazed how much we don’t need this

Oh sure, let’s go get another pot of coffee and waste some more time talking about who’s running for library board. We wouldn’t want the Maxwell House to get stale while we’re mulling over something that is common knowledge by now. If you don’t know who’s running in this stupid run-off in Rockville, then DEFINITELY don’t go back to Rockville. You’re missing a good game.

Like we’re going to drag this out until we’re sure Bozo the Clown and Kramer from Seinfeld and Bazooka Joe are throwing their hats in the ring too. In fact, why don’t we invite the whole damn group from The New Christy Minstrels or Fairport Convention to run. I’m sure they can find time in their schedule to play nostalgic Classic Rock or Folk and still be abreast of what’s in the Science and Math section of the library. They’ll veto Coke machines in the Children’s Library just as soon as they are finished touring.

Gang, you are way too kind to me. As usual, I had to run another trip for my dad so blogging was out of the question most of the day. I DID try to prime the pump and get my adrenalin flowing EVENTUALLY. At any rate, I can only pass this along but I will. In the interim, time to get back to work for the best supporters in the business. God bless you, Gang.

And Zane trying to be a bulldog reminds me of an interesting story involving Steve Garvey, the great 1st baseman for the Los Angeles who was part of an infield that included Ron Cey, “The Penguin” at 3rd base (and yes, he ran like a penguin around the bases, hence the moniker) , Bill Russell at shortstop, and Davey Lopes at 2nd base, this infield intact from ’74 to ’81. Garvey had pop on the bat with those Popeye arms and was also an excellent fielder and a fan favorite.

He later played for the San Diego Padres where he was part of a controversy essentially not of his own doing. Charley Williams, an excellent umpire but highly controversial (a plane once flew around Jack Murphy Stadium that displayed a banner saying “Impeach Ump Williams”-To think, I thought Butthead had all the idle time he could handle) and flat out blew a call at home plate in the middle of the game and Garvey was naturally upset. So he yells to Williams “Bear down!!!!!!!!!!!” to which Ump Williams promptly tossed him.

Fans raised a hue and cry over this one. Yes, you run the risk of getting thrown out if you do want to harbor a bulldog image but let’s face it, Garvey rarely got into it with umpires and “Bear down” really is not the same as “You’re F—ing ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Lee Weyer, a highly respected NL umpire once said that he’d let the player or manager jaw for a while but if they brought Lee’s mother into the equation, they hit the showers. AND THEN, Steve Boros, Garvey’s manager for the Padres, a mild-mannered personality by trade, was so livid with the call and Garvey’s ejection that the next day when the managers were handing lineup cards to the umps, Boros hands Ump Williams a video of the call he blew. Not surprisingly, Boros also got tossed.

But at the rate this story is going, I doubt that Zane is going to bear down. We had our hopes when he got chastised by Peppermint Patty but when he was incognito on his phone in the library, he was more likely to get tossed by Ms. Whopper than Ump Williams.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Ejected At Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League Game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Ump Williams can’t even call a football game. I was in the end zone well before anybody grabbed my flag. If Ump Williams don’t know the meaning of shake and bake, Heaven help him.”

Then there’s those items to the direct left of the Mr. Coffee which will make its entrance into the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. They could be coffee mugs (doubt it) . They could be cans of spinach (really doubt it) . Or they could be big cans of coffee since there’s a ‘C’ on the container (probably the winner) . But why 2 (or possibly more) coffee tubs? Does Marjie have a coffee addiction? Or is that the symbol of where this plot is going? Yup, have plenty of Snaka while you’re watching Butthead and Zane duke it out for library supremacy. I wouldn’t mind of surfeit of Hills Brothers if Zane would stop being Doug Guthrie and actually follow through with Peppermint Patty’ advice and be a bulldog, tiger, king of the jungle, giraffe in heat, whatever generic animal with sharp teeth and razor claws ON THE PITCHER’S MOUND. I’ll drink to that.

Special edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Man handed a Cease and Desist order by Valley Conference Athletic Association after latest incident!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Conference spokesperson: :’The Committee felt it an inappropriate example to our high school youth for a man to be flying in a plane around the Milford Football Stadium with a banner that read Impeach Coach Thorp’.”

Maybe there’s no plan

Maybe didn’t plan to put us in middle of something that we really didn’t understand

Maybe there’s no plan

Maybe this is out of hand and couldn’t ever help us through the muck

Baby, don’t you see this plot is panned

Ooohhhhh, ooooohhhhh

And the gossip wagon just keeps rolling right along in P2. Gee, is this Gil Thorp or Soap Opera Digest? It’s never a good sign when Marjie Ducey is downing a legion of coffee cups to talk about something that really isn’t gossip material. Ah, but in Thorpiverse, why let truth get in the way of sewage in the headlines. I remember when I was a route driver and I was in Jasper, Indiana at one of my accounts. I was about to leave when I saw a headline in one the tabloids that made me howl with laughter. It was quoted from O.J. Simpson concerning his trial: “Somebody Ought to Cut That Bitch’s Throat!!!!!!” Like that’s a quote you’d read from a politician. Yup, Ronald Reagan and Joseph Biden have violent tempers and occasionally beat their wives and trip old ladies when they’re crossing the streets and are subsequently at the mercy of the National Toilet.

And so let’s ride this for a while and see where it takes us. Marjie, with slight pressure from presumably her editor, will probe this one and turn this into a mudslinging affair. Zane will say that a person with a wife who serves burned fried cottage cheese plus vegetables and ground round that are likely to appear on a plate of the Jolly Green Giant is not fit to lecture us on how to spend tax dollars on library materials. Oh, that cuts to the bone marrow. Butthead will retort that Zane’s been out in the sun too long throwing baseballs through a Goodrich tire and couldn’t possibly fathom the needs of library patrons. Zane will respond that Butthead can’t read and is only faking it when he’s looking at the computer screen. Anybody who is really spending hours playing Donkey Kong has no business telling the library to dump the back issues of The Wall Street Journal. Oh, keep slinging that cow manure, Zane. Butthead will come back with Zane only wants my daughter because he has weird fantasies about women in softball uniforms and therefore is not stable enough to decide on who the Head Librarian should be. Zane will say that Marjie will crawl through the vents every year to get a story from Gil. Whoopsy daisy, that’s true but if we’re going to be dumping cow manure on people’s plate beside the fried cottage cheese, we need to stay on topic. May the best sleazeball win.

“Bear down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Zane, you’re at a debate with Mr. Abel Brito.”

“Oops, my bad, Mr. Moderator.”

And Garvey got some good-natured banter after the incident. When he was taking BP and he’d whiff, a coach or teammate would say “C’mon, Steve, bear down”. Same in the field if he muffed a ball in fielding practice. This incident didn’t die a quiet death. And unfortunately, this gossipmongering is enjoying the same fate, IF it dies at all. Oh, it’s being a bulldog all right. I bet we’d like to send this bulldog to the Milford Dog Pound. Yeah, I’m amazed all right. Zane really does need to bear down but not likely to do so in the near future as long as Crawl Space Ducey and Ms. Whopper Earring is discussing his fate.

Late edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Public Library Withholds Comment Concerning Unusual Occurence Last Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Library spokesperson: ‘We are at a loss for why a plane was flying a banner that read Impeach Miss Whopper around the skies of Milford but we will investigate the matter and report back’.”

Now wait just a cotton-pickin’ second, Miss Crawl Space. Are we talking about the same person who came in through the bathroom window to interview Gil who is now getting on her high horse and lecturing us on appropriate items to print in journalism? Like we can’t see how dunderheaded and inane this whole situation between Butthead and Zane truly is. Like you’re an authority on appropriate articles to print, ol’ Eats Sloppy Joes in the Noonday Sun to Get a Story That Anyone Would Care to Read. When you’re not hibernating the rest of the season, of course. You need to wash those glasses and get ones with windshield wipers. Like we used to shout at the ump, Open your eyes, you’re missing a good game. Sheesh, you can’t hardly see ANY game when you’re facing 180 degrees the other way. You might want to check on the pulse of the TWIM faithful next time, Marjie. It’s awful hard to do when the air-conditioning ducts you climb through have dust on the them and all over your clothes.

“And we’ll return to decide who won the Butthead/Zane Debate at Milford High School Gym Annex after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“Having to experience the transition from bathtub to shower can be a highly stressful incident. I know my wife, Dr. Pearl, encountered a plethora of trauma when she was faced with the possibility of life with out her rubber ducky.

Greetings, this is Mr. Dr. Pearl and the wonderful people at Milford Bath Magic were able to set my wife in the Elysian Fields especially after she took her medication. They presented her with a floor plan that included a pedastal that could be mounted on the wall so that my wife could take a shower and view her rubber ducky on the stage and thusly perform her process of hygiene with a minimum of problems. My wife now sprays Estee Lauder in pure harmony and bliss.

Now I’ve read the letters and some complain that their bathtub was once inhabited by President Taft. Lord help him if he converted from a tub to a shower. How he applied Head & Shoulders in a shower the size of a phone booth is a mystery they are trying to solve at Machu Picchu. This is of trivial concern to Milford Bath Magic. They run the gamut of sizes from petite to extra-extra-extra large. There is absolutely no need to utilize a crowbar when Babar the elephant steps into the shower stall. He can wash his hair and clean his anatomy and if HE has a rubber ducky, he has room to place it in the soap dish.

Still others beef that their pipes are connected to the tub and the toilet. If somebody is afflicted with diarrhea, they may run into obstacles when they may have to shower at a later date. Again, Milford Bath Magic is way ahead of the game. With state-of-the-art plumbing technology, MBM can solve these problems, enabling those constipated or suffering swelling hemorrhoidal tissues to still douse their hair and flash the victory sign. A 97% rating by the Milford Engineering Society and an A+ from Milford Better Business Bureau displays the finer points of this technology. It might have a couple of roaches but they are sometimes behind the file cabinet in my wife’s office.

There are other concerns such as cost. Now honestly, do you think the grand people at Milford Bath Magic fell off the Titanic last week? They have set up a program through Milford Teachers Federal Credit Union so that the payments will not pose a strain on your budget. Believe me, MBM does not cherish the idea of repossessing someone’s shower. The incident last year involving tear gas was a complete misunderstanding as the culprit not only had been 3 years behind on his house payment, but that he fired first. Milford Bath Magic has to protect its investments.

What more proof do you need? With affordable plans and showers that feel like Niagara is draping over you, isn’t it time you deposited your Rust Belt of a tub into perdition? Come see what Milford Bath Magic has to offer. You’ll definitely be singing “Jessica” by The Allman Brothers when you do.”

I’ll say it again. Y’all are too good to me. You make me want to do my best. And I do the very thing I love because of you. God bless you, Gang.

Maybe we’re amazed that this slop is with us all the time

Maybe we’re afraid it’ll never leave town

Maybe we’re amazed at the way Gil sings this bleeping song

Even though he’s bleeping wrong

Maybe we’re amazed at the way Gil won’t seek a new job

“Bear down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Mimi, that’s no way to talk to the kids.”

“LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UP IN THE SKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the banner says…Impeach Dr. Pearl???”

January 20, 2021

Made You Look!

Today marks the day that the Vic Doucette Show starts to go off the rails as Vic ignores Gil’s directive that “the basketball comes first.” As much as we might’ve expected it with the ham-handed frankfurter references, Vic will not be singing “Sweet Transvestite” between quarters. Instead he’s launched his own unauthorized contest and a tentative foray into identity theft. Gonna be tough to make out all those vitals on those illegible Michigan Adlertinium driver’s licenses*, though.

How much thought did Vic put into this? Is it his hot dog that he’s giving away? Will he announce the winner’s name over the PA or will this lead to an onslaught of Milfordians with triple-sevens at the refreshment stand? If Vic’s stunt leads to more concession sales, what will he be asked to hawk next? Finally, what’s the over/under on the number of strips before Marty Moon starts to view Vic as a threat to his on-air dominance?

Marty won’t hesitate to let Vic know that Milford is his town. Then young Mr. Doucette may find himself hawking hot dogs in the river, not unlike a vendor local to yhs.

*Today only, the first TWIMer who can show us a driver’s license with three 7s in the number wins a free comment. (For the record, yhs has only one 7 in his driver’s license number.)

December 18, 2020

Cars and glasses

Filed under: huge glasses, Milford Weirdos, oversize objects, The Bucket — robmize2013 @ 10:59 pm

Doug Guthrie (no relation to singer Arlo Guthrie or race car driver Janet Guthrie ) we meet the next Harry Carey, Vic Doucette, who is among other things, a writer for the Detroit Metro Times. He also looks like this..

Vic Doucette - Option for the Poor: Engaging the Social Tradition

Doug looks like this…

Doug Guthrie (@ProfGuthrie) | Twitter

As Cub fans are well aware, nobody had bigger glasses then Harry.

Pin on Chicago My Kind Of Town

But ol Vic is giving it a try, and looking in the mirror only doubles his pleasure as he sees his huge frames staring back at him. Which team needs help, Dougs racing team, or Gils basketball team? Is he filling in for Leonard while he recovers from his ankle injury, or is he Dougs tire changer in the pits? And why does he say “But…” if he’s starting a conversation with himself?

November 18, 2020

I’m Just Saying, But Did Milford Cover the Spread?

All action – well, almost all action – today as Milford dominates Tilden. Tom “Don’t Call Me Butt” Muench is all over the field, stripping oversized footballs and causing Theismannesque leg injuries.* Chance Macy, perhaps the most realistically drawn player we’ve seen in some time**, racks up the yardage and probably scores some points. Quick cut to the sidelines where a lineman who appears to be part flounder makes an aside to a young Sylvester Stallone that maybe the Mudlarks should have run up the score.

The Chekhov’s guns left strewn about over the past few strips are leading us to a logical conclusion that the Valley title will boil down to point differential. Either out of a sense of sportsmanship or of continued punishment, Gil will keep Stallone Rappson on the bench when his free-wheeling style of play would be more likely to help Milford obtain those margins of victory necessary to win the Valley. Someone will have learned a lesson, though I’m not sure who will learn it or how valuable that lesson will be.

In any event, it’s more entertaining than watching Corinna be a bitch to everyone she meets.

*Thirty-five years ago today. What a coincidence.

**Sticking with the NFC East theme, whenever I see a running back wearing #31 and an OPO-DW style face mask my mind goes immediately to Wilbert Montgomery.

August 21, 2020

Wasted on the way

Filed under: boring memories, Maureen, Milford Alumni, Milford Weirdos, oversize objects — robmize2013 @ 8:23 pm

First thanks to teenchy for filling in for me during my vacation – this time to Portland Maine. Very scenic; anytime you can go near an ocean it adds to the views tenfold. Even had a shark out there; (well, 80 miles north but whats that to a shark?) I think he was looking for me in Myrtle Beach and heard I was coming back to the ocean, so he swam north. Hey- maybe he can make a cameo in this strip and swallow these characters. He’s way smarter then any of them.

I dont play frisbee very often but I normally try to catch it with one hand, or at least hold my hands CLOSER TOGETHER then this dude. He looks like he’s describing the mouth of the shark he saw in these waters.

No idea how Alexa knows Corrina so well she can describe all her qualities already..

and we’re back to when CK was 9 again. For perspective, that was only about 7 or 8 years ago. I think a summer storyline should be more cheery then this morose tale that is dragging us down like the muck on their feet slowly sinking them into the lake, until all we see is Corinna’s hat floating on the water.

Even the shark is above this dreck.

**METAPOST** Im apparently still on vacation because I copied the strip from Wednesday instead of today. I just replaced it with the correct strip but my commentary is from the Wednesday strip. Today its Maureen getting her nose in everything but the gravy boat at the buffet table. CK visits True for another practice session and True invites her to follow him to his moms house. Too hard to just call her on a cell phone huh? Hey- call Maureen and order a cheeseburger– the carrier pigeon can deliver it.

July 29, 2020

That’s No Catcher’s Mitt, That’s Our Waitress


Alright TWIMers, I think we can start connecting some dots here. Corina has been casing set her sights on Milford as a place to go commit crimes to school next year. If that happens, she’ll end up another in a long line of talented Mudlark athletes the Coaches Thorp didn’t have to coach to end up that way. The fact that she’s doing this opens things up for a lot of exposition that we may or may not get. Is going to Valley Mod a sentence that a student has to serve, and that student is free to go to whatever school in the Valley s/he chooses once time has been served?

She’s already trying to fit in by donning the Milford uniform of chunky bracelets and huge earrings – the same earrings as her waitress, Maureen – after sporting demure studs previously. She’s also trying to fit in by eating mass quantities of greasy diner food. I mean, look at the size of that burger! Wait, that’s not a burger but a catcher’s mitt? Who puts a catcher’s mitt on the table they’re gonna be eating from? And why, if she’s talking about said catcher’s mitt, is Miss Pointy Fingers Phoebe pointing to her left and not down and in front of her where the catcher’s mitt is sitting?  Maureen’s fourth wall-breaking glance says it all. Nobody expects waiting tables at a diner in Milford to be glamorous, but she certainly didn’t sign up for this kind of insult. I mean, come on! She may not be very pretty now, but she was someone’s baby once.

I’d be much more interested in learning about the path Maureen took to end up waiting on Corina and Phoebe. Something tells me she’s been around the Valley a time or two.

June 27, 2020

It’s Different for Girls


As robmize and you faithful TWIMers pointed out yesterday, this turned into a farce pretty quickly. Players in jeans, an umpire in a zebra shirt, one team’s pitcher coming in to pitch for the other, and now this. Since story arcs always end on Saturdays, I was hoping for the ten-run mercy rule to be invoked today. No such luck; we’re gonna get dragged through this for at least another week.

Confession time: I have owned at one time both a baseball catcher’s mitt* and a softball catcher’s mitt. They are indeed two different creatures. I probably could’ve gotten away with using my regular fielder’s glove to catch softball and, eventually, I did, sending the softball mitt on to someone playing at a more competitive level than I.  Has it been that obvious that Lotus Cortina Anna Karenina has been catching with a softball catcher’s mitt? Click that last link and look at the ball in the pocket of her mitt. It’s proportionately large in there, innit? There was nothing to lead us to believe she wasn’t catching a baseball in that “softball trapper,” a term so loaded with innuendo I ain’t even gonna try to touch it.


*Two, actually. My first was an Howard Elston Elston Howard model, my second a Bob Boone.

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