This Week in Milford

November 18, 2020

I’m Just Saying, But Did Milford Cover the Spread?

All action – well, almost all action – today as Milford dominates Tilden. Tom “Don’t Call Me Butt” Muench is all over the field, stripping oversized footballs and causing Theismannesque leg injuries.* Chance Macy, perhaps the most realistically drawn player we’ve seen in some time**, racks up the yardage and probably scores some points. Quick cut to the sidelines where a lineman who appears to be part flounder makes an aside to a young Sylvester Stallone that maybe the Mudlarks should have run up the score.

The Chekhov’s guns left strewn about over the past few strips are leading us to a logical conclusion that the Valley title will boil down to point differential. Either out of a sense of sportsmanship or of continued punishment, Gil will keep Stallone Rappson on the bench when his free-wheeling style of play would be more likely to help Milford obtain those margins of victory necessary to win the Valley. Someone will have learned a lesson, though I’m not sure who will learn it or how valuable that lesson will be.

In any event, it’s more entertaining than watching Corinna be a bitch to everyone she meets.

*Thirty-five years ago today. What a coincidence.

**Sticking with the NFC East theme, whenever I see a running back wearing #31 and an OPO-DW style face mask my mind goes immediately to Wilbert Montgomery.

August 21, 2020

Wasted on the way

Filed under: boring memories, Maureen, Milford Alumni, Milford Weirdos, oversize objects — robmize2013 @ 8:23 pm

First thanks to teenchy for filling in for me during my vacation – this time to Portland Maine. Very scenic; anytime you can go near an ocean it adds to the views tenfold. Even had a shark out there; (well, 80 miles north but whats that to a shark?) I think he was looking for me in Myrtle Beach and heard I was coming back to the ocean, so he swam north. Hey- maybe he can make a cameo in this strip and swallow these characters. He’s way smarter then any of them.

I dont play frisbee very often but I normally try to catch it with one hand, or at least hold my hands CLOSER TOGETHER then this dude. He looks like he’s describing the mouth of the shark he saw in these waters.

No idea how Alexa knows Corrina so well she can describe all her qualities already..

and we’re back to when CK was 9 again. For perspective, that was only about 7 or 8 years ago. I think a summer storyline should be more cheery then this morose tale that is dragging us down like the muck on their feet slowly sinking them into the lake, until all we see is Corinna’s hat floating on the water.

Even the shark is above this dreck.

**METAPOST** Im apparently still on vacation because I copied the strip from Wednesday instead of today. I just replaced it with the correct strip but my commentary is from the Wednesday strip. Today its Maureen getting her nose in everything but the gravy boat at the buffet table. CK visits True for another practice session and True invites her to follow him to his moms house. Too hard to just call her on a cell phone huh? Hey- call Maureen and order a cheeseburger– the carrier pigeon can deliver it.

July 29, 2020

That’s No Catcher’s Mitt, That’s Our Waitress

gt07292020

Alright TWIMers, I think we can start connecting some dots here. Corina has been casing set her sights on Milford as a place to go commit crimes to school next year. If that happens, she’ll end up another in a long line of talented Mudlark athletes the Coaches Thorp didn’t have to coach to end up that way. The fact that she’s doing this opens things up for a lot of exposition that we may or may not get. Is going to Valley Mod a sentence that a student has to serve, and that student is free to go to whatever school in the Valley s/he chooses once time has been served?

She’s already trying to fit in by donning the Milford uniform of chunky bracelets and huge earrings – the same earrings as her waitress, Maureen – after sporting demure studs previously. She’s also trying to fit in by eating mass quantities of greasy diner food. I mean, look at the size of that burger! Wait, that’s not a burger but a catcher’s mitt? Who puts a catcher’s mitt on the table they’re gonna be eating from? And why, if she’s talking about said catcher’s mitt, is Miss Pointy Fingers Phoebe pointing to her left and not down and in front of her where the catcher’s mitt is sitting?  Maureen’s fourth wall-breaking glance says it all. Nobody expects waiting tables at a diner in Milford to be glamorous, but she certainly didn’t sign up for this kind of insult. I mean, come on! She may not be very pretty now, but she was someone’s baby once.

I’d be much more interested in learning about the path Maureen took to end up waiting on Corina and Phoebe. Something tells me she’s been around the Valley a time or two.

June 27, 2020

It’s Different for Girls

gt06272020

As robmize and you faithful TWIMers pointed out yesterday, this turned into a farce pretty quickly. Players in jeans, an umpire in a zebra shirt, one team’s pitcher coming in to pitch for the other, and now this. Since story arcs always end on Saturdays, I was hoping for the ten-run mercy rule to be invoked today. No such luck; we’re gonna get dragged through this for at least another week.

Confession time: I have owned at one time both a baseball catcher’s mitt* and a softball catcher’s mitt. They are indeed two different creatures. I probably could’ve gotten away with using my regular fielder’s glove to catch softball and, eventually, I did, sending the softball mitt on to someone playing at a more competitive level than I.  Has it been that obvious that Lotus Cortina Anna Karenina has been catching with a softball catcher’s mitt? Click that last link and look at the ball in the pocket of her mitt. It’s proportionately large in there, innit? There was nothing to lead us to believe she wasn’t catching a baseball in that “softball trapper,” a term so loaded with innuendo I ain’t even gonna try to touch it.

 

*Two, actually. My first was an Howard Elston Elston Howard model, my second a Bob Boone.

January 28, 2020

Hey, Mudlarks, Didn’t Make The Team But I Can Make This Transistor Radio Fart In 3 Languages.

012820

Teddy, to paraphrase the famous George Carlin album, with that cheap appliance you have in your possession that you purchased at Milford Antique Mall, it’s no mystery why you DID get the last girl at the school dance.

And don’t misunderstand me, nobody enjoyed school pranks more than I did. When I was taking German in my sophomore year in high school, we had a teacher, Mr. Stieler (like Pittsburgh Steelers) , who had an annoying habit of pulling down this map of Germany whenever the lesson brought up a place within the boundaries of the country (or Austria or Switzerland or Liecthenstein or Luxembourg or Alsace-Lorain, etc.) . Oberammergau, Neuschwanstein, Ludwigshafen, Garmischpartenkirchen, you name it, Mr. Stieler yanked it down and zeroed in on the location as if he’d been there last week to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread.

Well, some students put up a poster of Farrah Fawcett-Majors (’70’s, mind you) , and taped it over the map so the next time we approached the chapter discussing Frankfurt-am-Main, naturally and as if on cue, Mr. Stieler headed to the map and rattled off what an El Dorado that Frankfurt-am-Main was, that it should be your next vacation for the whole family, according to the AAA Travelogue, pulled down the map while singing the praises of Frankfurt-am-Main (O Victory in Frankfurt, my Savior forever…”) , and got the surprise of his life.

So if you’re going to be the class clown, Teddy, will you please frequent Best Buy or Radio Shack for all your classroom prank needs? Going to yard sales for electronic equipment that subsequently serves as a fly in the ointment for your adversary, let alone the teacher, really won’t cut it. Farting out Schleswig-Holstein in Japanese on your cheap Rural King translator while Schuring is doing a linear equation on the blackboard? Yeah buddy. Or maybe employing a used toaster to pop up Great Value waffles while Schuring is doing a book report on the Gettysburg Address. Hold that tiger.

George Wallace, the black comedian, not the famous ex-Governor of Alabama, and one of my favorite comedians, said it best once

“Answer me this, why do you whites have yard sales the next day after you’ve gotten drunk the night before on Friday night? And I’ll answer your question, yeah, when we honk, we all know each other.”

Teddy, therefore, why do you ATTEND yard sales to get trinkets that are meant to be a pain in the butt? Use your Visa card next time. Plenty of annoying contraptions that can also cut up Julienne fries.

 

Because I get a sneakin’ suspicion Mimi was impulse-buying when she purchased “Captain Kangaroo’s Fun Steps to a Better Basketball Player” from the candy bar rack

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sales Are Shooting Through The Roof Over The Latest Edition To The Non-Fiction Aisle At Milford IGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mimi Thorp: ‘We can teach our Feeder Leagues that if Grandfather Clock can make a free throw with the proper follow-through, anyone can.”

 

Not really sure why DeMarco is at The Bucket with his new toy. Like The Joker or The Penguin use The Bucket as HIS hideout. I suppose everyone has to have a place to touch base with when you’re either passing gas from that Brewmaster Instant Coffee machine or robbing the Milford 7-11.

“And when Schuring says ‘Four score and seven years ago, I’ll just nab the moment with my Close ‘n’ Play!!!!!!!!!!!! Still got your vinyl Alice Cooper’s ‘Love it to Death’?”

 

And then there’s the Wonderblender angle on this whole shebang. Anybody who watched Fernwood 2 Night knows of what I speak. Lou Moffett, a reputed consumer advocate playing the role of consumer watchdog against consumer rip-offs, wound up being guilty of his own Close ‘n’ Play.

And it is totally comical to observe Teddy display the calculator with…what? The speaker emanating from a miniaturized version of The Jetsons’ computer?

“Hey, Mr. Wonderblender computer, I know you can slice and dice and make a cherry smoothie out of Gil Thorp’s Pure Pork Sausage Decaf but what are the chances of my making the team?”

“The ppppprrrrobbbbbabbbbilllittyyyy weighs 2,567,390 pppppoooouuunnnndddssss.”

Teddy, encountering the same problem George Jetson came across when George was asking if he had the winning lottery ticket from Milford 7-11’s location on Deneb, trying to decipher a computer speaking with ping pong balls crammed in its mouth

“Okay, but what’s that got to do with my making the team?”

“Fffffffaaaatttttt chhhhhhaaannnnnnccccceeeee.”

If ya go ta the town square and git all the jars of hog chitlins from one table and duct tape from another table and baggy sweat pants from a third table cuz ya got ta have breakfast, ya got ta repair the toilet seat again and ya gotta have somethin’ a wear ta yore daughter’s graduation, in that order, ya might be a redneck.

 

“If you’re as appalled as I am by all the Veggie-matics and mixers that say that they can make cucumber salad out of collared greens and still disrupt Schuring’s recital of the Bill of Rights by memory, let me tell you, the Won-dah Blen-dah here can shred turnips to size and make a nice tuna casserole and put ol’ I-can’t-shoot-in-the-clutch-much-less-bake-cookies-in-the-Set-it-and-Forget-It-Amana-Range out to pasture. Just a matter of pushing the right buttons, sure.”

 

“And fellow stooge, this walkie-talkie/phone bug even recorded who shot Coach Shaw. The salesman at Costco cut me in on a discount. Just insert the AAAA batteries and we’ll know soon enough and collect our reward. Press ‘play’…”

“Bond, is that you? This is M. Report to headquarters immediately. Don’t even check in with Miss Moneypenny. We caught Blofeld’s trail over by Mudlark Lake Dam.”

 

Gang, I’m not even gonna try to wonder how Teddy got that scuzz on his face. Is Thorpiverse trying to send us a message? It’s a lousy one if it’s trying to make Joe Cool out of a face in dire need of Barbasol. Hoo boy, did this backfire.

He may have been obnoxious, crass, ill-mannered, insensitive, impolite, devious, unorganized, smelly, rancorous, but at least Gil shaved. So did Teddy. They both can’t coach but that’s another story.

 

“Folks, I just get furious when I see how expensive shaving apparatuses can be. It’s like Gillette and Norelco could care less about the average Joe and his financial liabilities, am I right, you bet.  When you are so concerned that you’ll get your car repossessed by Milford Federal Credit Union that you cannot afford a disposable blade, it’s time to take action, sure.

That’s why I am proud to present the Gilco Shave-a-Matic. It shaves better than all the leading brands combined, local shaving kits included. You can’t hide from us, shaving company that does a number on Marty’s goatee. Take Teddy in P2, sure. Doesn’t he look like he’s been shaving with the Won-dah Blen-dah? I think so, you bet. But get those rotor blades spinning at the proper angles with plenty of Canadian snake root spread all over his face and be sure the appliance is plugged in and no more fuzz like Gil had the first day of Basic in the Marines. And I promise you, for the same price as that toy graphing calculator that Teddy is touting in P2, his face can shine like his derriere after he wiped with Bounty, sure.”

 

The Bucket would have you think that’s where Teddy and his henchman are plotting Chris’ demise with their amazing technicolor machines. But Xanadu and the rest of the Electric Light Orchestra with Olivia Newton-John on a roller-skating assignment at the drive-in area seems more feasible.

And what’s worse, I have found 2 hairstyles worse than Coach Thorp’s. One is based upon a painting of IGA Ramen Noodles Teddy’s buddy spotted at a studio being oil-painted (so THAT’S what those naked ladies were eating in “Luncheon on the Grass”) for the Milford Chautauqua Fair and the other is Jimmy Dean with a mohawk. Rebel without a cause but with a walkman that can pass gas. Never thought I’d see the day.

 

“Doesn’t this plot stink out Teddy’s hairdo? You bet. Why I’ve heard people complaining that Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids could conjure up storylines better than this watered-down Father Brown mystery, sure. That’s why when you put eggs, cherry bombs, Mimi’s Waldorf salad, refried beans, kelp, orange juice, Gil’s medicated anti-frizzy shampoo, and Gerber’s Peeled Carrots into the Won-dah Blen-dah, turn the function to “mince”, you’ll have a plot ready to eat in no time flat. Just trim the fat, cut out all the bullshit, and drain the kelp, sure. Presto, dinner is served.

 

“No, Jerry, the stork did not deliver a Wonderblender to your house after you were born. I’m sure your mom did OK with those GE formula warmers. And we’ll be back after these messages.”

 

“Folks, are you having trouble keeping under budget every week? Does the grocery bill last longer sometimes than a triple-overtime game? Wouldn’t you like a little relief?

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. The good people at the Warehouse understand that. After all, they don’t shop only at The Warehouse. They gotta get groceries too.

That’s why they are pleased to announce the Love for Liquor, Food for Free campaign. This week, a purchase of your favorite beers and wines will earn you a voucher for $25 of groceries. That’s right, if you purchase 1.75 ml of Maker’s Mark Whiskey for the unbeatable price of $42.99, you’ll walk away with some serious goodies. Boy, some whiskey and Captain Crunch is welcome at my breakfast table anytime.

But then some of you more discriminating connoisseurs might like Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc for $13.44 to go along with your London broil on the grill, topped by Heinz 57. Hey, whatever yanks your crank. Add some corn on the cob and you make it a meal.

For those of you who like to party to the max, we got ya covered. Imagine, some Bud Light 24-pack and some Betty Crocker Lemon Cake after a plateful of popcorn shrimp and Spaghetti O’s. At $14.99, doesn’t free groceries sound romantic? Looking through my beer mug of love sounds too good to be true.

And for every New Amsterdam Vodka you purchase, you’ll get a Wonderblender as a free gift and our way of thanking you for making The Warehouse the Beverage of Choice. Just think of all the vegetables you can stick into the blender, apples, oranges, mangos, grapes, avocados, and cranberries, saving the Vodka for last. Turn on the blender, watch it spin ’round and ’round, and you got a recipe for success fit for a king.

Come in and spin your own bottle and walk with a blender and money you saved by shopping at The Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

Thanks for your patience. I’ve been trying to fix this calculator all day. I finally got the trig functions to work.

With all the views so far, you people are kinder than I have a right to expect. You people keep me going even when I’m cussin’ and fussin’ with the machines (ha) . You all keep the site going. I am truly humbled and blessed by all the TWIMers. YOU’RE the ones crucifying Gil (ha ha) . May God bless you all and thanks again for your eternal patience.

 

“Mimi, come to bed.”

“Just a minute, Gil, I want to see how Mr. Moose slides his feet on defense. I think it’s a key concept I can teach the ladies.”

 

 

 

“…and in this great nation of ours, I have never seen anyone more incompetent to coach the girls team. Seen better coaches from Aunt Bea, you bet. And look at that hair. Why if that’s not a model for matting to fill the gerbil cage, I’m Neil Armstrong, sure. Well, Fernwood, I can’t teach Mimi how to call a time out but with Miracle-Moptop, fuzzy hair while you’re whapping your player’s ass with your basketball program is a thing of the past. Just set the mode to “gel” and-bonzai-no more tears and no more scarecrow hair. Boy, bet Mimi would love to call out a give-and-go with her hair follicles hanging like ornaments on a Christmas tree, you bet. And if you set it to “extra gel”, her hair will be pasted to her cochlea while the team is staging a furious rally. Sounds exciting, doesnt it, sure…”

 

And to round out George Carlin one more time

Remember

You can Gil your finger but don’t finger your Gil

 

June 8, 2019

Coffee Talk with Linda… Carr?

gt06082019

“Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m your host Mimi Thorp. On this show we talk about coffee, softball, volleyball, George Orwell – you know, no big whoop. Just Coffee Talk.

“Today I’m coming to you live from the Milford High Teacher’s Lounge. Now which teacher is it for? Well, only one Coach Thorp has their team on the verge of winning the Valley, and it’s not my guest, Coach Gil Thorp, who also happens to be my husband.

“So, nu, how is your baseball team doing?”

“Well, we’ve had better seasons, but I’m proud of the boys for…”

“Feh, no big whoop. Have I told you about my girls and all their interests off the field?  It gives them swagger and it’s infectious. Kind of like toenail fungus.”

“Yeah. I’m seeing more of those ‘TC’ pins.”

“Oh, those. Molly Hatcher got them for 39 cents each. Such a deal. At first it was a fun thing, like a Barbra Streisand marathon. Then the girls had the chutzpah to start deciding who that wasn’t on the team should be getting the pins. So I had them read Animal Farm, let them know that was a verkakte idea.  But let me tell you about Linda Carr. Her swing is like butter, but she’s gotten all shpilkes about her volleyball scholarship.  I gotta get her calmed down; I need her bat for the playdowns.

“All this talk of winning championships has me all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: The ‘Too Cool For School’ buttons are neither too cool nor for school. Discuss.”

(apologies Mike Myers)

May 11, 2019

TCFS Goes To Eleven

gt05112019

Well it doesn’t stand for Top Cat or Twin Cities, that much is certain. Then again, maybe Molly’s related to Mickey. But what the hell kind of thing is she placing in Jamila’s enormous, Ernie Lombardi-like hand as she stands on a classic Nelson bench?  Is it some kind of challenge coin? The equivalent of a merit decal? They put those on batting helmets now, dontchaknow. Or is it a merit decal in pog form?

You know how I know Rubin sees this blog? Yesterday’s Molly Hatchet joke would be a big clue, but he could’ve been planning that from the get-go. No, it’s his response to our steady complaints about the lack of strong female characters in this strip and of story arcs that focus on girls’ sports. What do we get in return? Several months of this drivel. This had potential: internal team strife between girls who have varied outside interests and girls who are monomaniacally focused on the game gets ironed out as the girls come together and start winning. By turning them into unintentional mean girls who form a clique by beating an already dead horse of a phrase even deader (five times in the past week, eleven total in the arc to date), Rubin is flirtin’ with making a mockery of the whole concept.

March 20, 2019

TFW You Spot an Ultraman Reference in Gil Thorp

gt03202019

One of my fondest childhood memories was coming home from school and watching The Happy Raine Show on WCSC-TV 5, the CBS affiliate in Charleston, SC.  Happy Raine was the stage name of Lorraine “Rainey” Evans, who worked in WCSC’s marketing department. The story goes that Evans was working on a promotion for Robin Hood Flour and was mailing out Robin Hood hats, complete with feathers, to clients. One day on a whim she stuck some of the feathers in her hair; the station’s weatherman, Charlie Hall, spotted this and told Evans she could pass as a Native American.  Several months later, Evans was approached to host a live children’s show and thus Happy Raine was born.

The Happy Raine Show featured live segments with kids in the studio audience, like most locally produced children’s shows back in the day.  Interspersed between the live segments were episodes of the Japanese tokusatsu classic Ultraman. I won’t bog you down with the details of Ultraman if you don’t know them already.  Suffice it to say that we Baby Boomer/GenX cusp kids looked forward to seeing what bizarre kaiju Ultraman would fight that afternoon. The kaiju were easy to root against as they stomped around cardboard Tokyo – that is, until the kaiju was Jamila.

The Ultraman Wiki describes Jamila (ジャミラ) as “an astronaut who came into contact with an extraterrestrial mutagen and transformed into a monster.  He returned to Earth with a vengeance for the human race, but was killed by Ultraman.  Deemed a victim of an unfortunate fate, a plaque was raised in the former human’s memory.”

 

 

Jamila was one of those rare things on Ultraman: a villain who wasn’t entirely villainous.  Something to wrap your grammar school brain around before it was time to do your homework.

It’s nice to see that Jamila has been reincarnated as a Lady Mudlarks’ pitcher.  Thanks for indulging my childhood nostalgia.  Now let’s deconstruct today’s strip.

P1: Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

P2: Happy Fun Ball is actually a pitch from Jamila that got away from catcher Jocelynn Brown.  Any relation to Big Ken from a few years back?  Nah, more likely a shout-out to one of Neal’s friends at the Detroit News.  Funny how Happy Fun Ball goes from being tiny in Mimi’s hand to enormous in Jocelynn’s, innit?

P3: Since there was no Lady Mudlarks basketball this past season (at least none that we saw), Mimi’s had a lot of time on her hands to think up wacky hijinks like scheduling a scrimmage.  Extra work for the Coaches Thorp?  That’s crazy talk!  Gil’s plying her with Long Island Iced teas to rid her of such notions.

Older Posts »

Blog at WordPress.com.