Since having read timbuys’ comment yesterday to the effect that Gil Thorp may be a constrained comic, I can’t shake that idea out of my head. So much so, in fact, that I’m sorely tempted to constrain my TWIM posts for the remainder of this arc to haiku form. What say ye?
We’ve been down this road before, a little over a year and a half ago to be exact. Nosy classmates stick their noses where they don’t belong, Gil gets wind and the next thing you know another Milford High kid’s getting his family busted up like…uh, well, another family that got busted up. And what’s up with Andre and Movie Boy Weird Joe Bolek getting so chummy so quickly? (I thought Andre’s first word balloon had an extraneous comma.) Are they gonna turn into this year’s Ken Brown and Mike Granger?
Why should Gil know about Tiki’s excessive tardiness? Is there some unwritten rule that Milford athletes who are chronically late to school get kicked off the team, or suspended for the first half against a cupcake non-conference opponent, or something? Gil suspended Barry Bader for getting ejected but made him travel with the team; maybe there’s some similar obscure punishment in Tiki’s future. (Sorry, I left this sentence unfinished last night.)
Stranger things have happened, so if this ends with a GoFundMe to replace Tiki’s beater Plymouth with something newer so he can get his sister to school on time, then I’m cool with it. Sorry to keep y’all waiting on today’s post.
Mike Filion has to do a lot of scutwork in Milford. He’s the quarterback who Gil’s stuck with because unicorns like True “Not Tru” Standish only wander into Milford once in a century. He gave Kaz a lead on Joe Bolek, but there’s no sense of urgency to do anything right away. So Marginal Mike Filion gets to punt this week.
Joe Bolek and his film club decide to swing by and see if Joe might deign to consider punting for the Mudlarks. Will he or won’t he? We’re on the edge of our seats.
Joe and his entourage are really getting on my nerves, especially from a hair standpoint. That one guy or girl has the Slim Chance/Dafne Dafonte/Kevin Pelwecki hair strands which I’d be happy to never see again. Joe’s hair isn’t consistent. I think at some point last week while Kaz was looking for a punter, Joe and Marginal Mike’s hair got switched around. Let’s not even talk about coloring.
What’s up with the dude sitting in front of Bolek and friends? He’s aggressively splayed out all over the bleachers while Joe’s crew also seem to be encroaching on the seats in front of them with their feet. It looks like somebody wants to start something here. We could use a good brawl. I’ll bet Mr. Man Spreader could hold his own against Joe & The Film Crew.
Every time you think you’ve seen it all in this strip, you get the next storyline and its even more hare-brained then the last one. After having tryouts, practices, summer camps, 7-on-7 drills, cuts, final rosters made, and games played, we have Kaz searching the hallways for a PUNTER.
I believe my high school team has played 5 games, and is playing game 6 tonight. Of course Milford is a month behind, but now is a fine time to be looking for a damn punter. Where the hell was this conversation when Gil said they had 2 problems and 1 solution? Oh why not wait til you let 2 games go down the tubes, then instead of finding a punter yourself, ask one of the kids who can kick? I mean, really.
Who knows what movie Joe is talking about, but my guess is Dumb and Dumber. Describes the Milford coaching staff to a T. Kaz is the latter.
Sorry, gang, sue me. I’m feelin’ cocky after the Moody Blues FINALLY got inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame and the Murder, She Wrote questioning that Coach Kaz is implementing with Son of Mr. T. (“YA NEED RAY GUY, FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!) was the spark that got the fire lit. Talk about being On The Threshold of a Dream.
And what high school coach IN ANY SPORT goes to the school cafeteria and skips from student to student to track down a talented player, especially at a skill position? You ever heard of TRYOUTS, Gil and Kaz? That’s what you do BEFORE the season gets underway, not 1 or 2 games into the swing of things. (Perhaps you might have been better off skipping Frick and Frack and their golf game and let them slug it out with They’re Actually Bullies?) They DO gotta turn in a physical, more than likely in this case PAST DUE, even if you succeed in turning up that special someone who can fill the void. I’m assuming Kaz is not going to ask the cafeteria lady stocking the Twinkies and Ho Ho’s in the slots at the cafeteria line if she can sail one at least 30 yards. She’s too late and too old. Not that would stop hi,m, you understand.
“Jughead, you know of any good punters?”
Munching on his 276,843rd hamburger
“Hmmmmmmmm, you might wanna try Moose. I heard his kicking distance matches his IQ.”
Reggie Mantle chimes in
“How ’bout Mr. Weatherbee?”
Archie Andrews weighs in
“Reggie, you know the ‘Bee pulled a hamstring. He did it last month in the Riverdale Croquet Tournament.”
THE CASE OF THE TRAIL OF THE PURPORTED PUNTER
The new Hardy Boys Mystery now available at Milford Book & Music Exchange!!!!!!!!!!,
Gang, you ougtha see the cover. Coach Kaz, the Hardy Boys, Encylopedia Brown, Sally Kimball, Bugs Meany and his gang are on some country road somehere at night with their flashlights and magnifying glasses, searching for clues.
“Look!!!!! Over there in that cornfield!!!!!!!!! There’s somebody’s foot!!!!!! Some crow is picking at it!!!!!!!!!!!”
“And WHO SHOT COACH SHAW?”
“FOOL. ANYBODY KNOWS THE ANSWER TO THAT. IT WAS PROFESSOR PLUM WITH THE KNIFE IN THE CONSERVATORY”
“The Milford Enquirer said the library.”
“SHOWS YOU HOW MUCH THEY KNOW. THEY SHUT IT DOWN FOR A WEEK CUZ THERE WAS A GAS LEAK IN THE CHILDREN’S NON-FICTION SECTION, FOOL”
I fell into a burnin’ ring of fire
Which reminds me, this is burning and burning and burning ad nauseum. Of course, how stupid of me. Joe Skilled Athelete was a World-Class Explorer, having discovered Mount Everest, the Alps, Pike’s Peak, Mt. McKinley, Mt. Fuji, and the highest point in Delaware. Boy, I’ll bet he aces your final in World Geography, Coach. Anyhoo, he’s climbing Kilimanjaro right now but I can get a Bantu to meet him at the base of the mountain in 3 days. His cell phone should be in functional order by then.
We need a man, the best around
He’ll kick it high right off the ground
His Field Goal range so very sound
A bonus at this point
Timothy Leary
If ya agree ta punt for the high school football team only if the coaches elect unanimously ta pay for yore bow tag this fall, ya might be a redneck.
Gang, doncha just love that Chinese girl in P1 with that Funky Winkerbean nose? She’s as happy as Coach Kaz winning the lottery and/or finding a kicker under a Welcome mat. Then, in P3, if that supposed Exit sign doesn’t qualify for the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, nothing will. Some teacher evidently pasted a student’s lost notebook and no doubt had to have been the most obvious place to find it. Sure, but there is a Lost & Found Department somewhere in the building, we hope anyway.
On p.7 of the Milford Enquirer
“The Milford Mudlark Football Team is seeking a qualified applicant to fill in as a kicker. The Mudlarks offer competitive wages, Major Medical Insurance, dental insurance, vision benefits through Milford Eye World, profit sharing, 401(k) with 10% company match, 2 weeks paid vacation after only 1 year, wage increases after 90 days and 180 days thereafter, liberal attendance policy, FMLA benefits, and 7 paid holidays. If this sounds exciting, send resume to
If James Fenimore Cooper took over the reins at Thorpiverse (James, you have the combination to wordpress?)
It is Winter in the 1.23 trillion acres of elms, poplars, maples, oaks, hackberrys, ponderosa pines, black locusts, (the pods are buried deep within the snow, the few surviving being munched on by Bugs Bunny, a quick snacke before Elmer Fudde arrives on cue) , and chestnuts.
Bumppo “Leatherstocking” Shaw is out in the middle of nowhere, oblivious to the camera perched on the walnut tree, “Milfordshire Outdoor Magazine” doing a live show. Coache Gamaliel Wendell Thorp and his entourage are on the hunt themselves. His entourage consists of Baron Steuben von Kaz, Viscount Tiki of Glastonbury, Earl Jaquan of Stanhope, and some flunkies (or the football team, same difference) .
Roadkill is discovered in the middle of the path. It is fresh roadkill. Coache Thorp is compelled to restrain the contraption (‘slam on the brakes”) and swerve his sleigh to the emergency lane of the trail to avert a 10-sleigh pile-up. He turns on his flashers, the flunkies set out triangles 10. 50, and 200 feet apart so magnanimous vehicles (‘semi’s”) can alertly pursue other channels (“get in the passing lane”) .
“Coache Thorp, greetings and salutations!!!!!!!!!!”
“Leatherstocking!!!!!!!!!!!” Always a pleasure!!!!!!!!!!! And it looks like you outclassed me (“beat me to the punche”) againe.”
“Naw, Coache, this 10-point piece of virile venison (“buck”) has got BB bullets in its carotid; I didn’t kill it with this bow and arrow I obtained in goode faithe (“on loan in exchange for some cheap tobacco”) from the Cayugas. you got first dibs on the eatin’.”
As Gamaliel blows the smoke off his BB gunne in triumph
“I am honored by your honesty, my goode manne. Goodness knows, the village of milfordshire could use more gentrys such as in your person (“you”) .”
Baron Steuben von Kaz surveys the landscape, which in roughly 2 centuries will become Max Yasgur’s farm and subsequently a mudbowl named Woodstock, the rest of the 1.23 trillion acres comprising New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and a couple of counties in Vermont and finally states
“Coache, I don’t see how you manage to align your apercu with the quarry (“smoke ’em down”). Your eye is keener than an eagle’s arse (“retina”, close enough) .”
“I thank you, Baron Steuben von Kaz. It takes years of repititive solicitation (“practice”) which I did in my posterior portion of my property (“backyard”) . I shot severale rounds into The Wilderness and found matters to be quite commodious (“shitload of acreage”) . Hardly a chance (“no bat chance in Hell”) of intersecting a Noble Savage or Red Man or passing ‘Go’ or collecting $200 since the Confederations are on the other end pf the 1.23 trillion acres, give or take a hectare, near the reste area, you know, the one with salubrious accomodations (“clean restrooms”) .”
“My Lord, Coache (“same difference”) , it is noble of you to be of great concern for the noble savages, even Tecumseh, bilious (“mad as Hell and not gonna take anymore”) and choleric as he is reputed to be, spoke highly of your character (“reputation”, closest translation) ,” Viscount Tiki chimes in, “He says you always are circumspect with the flora (“watch the daisies”) and take only as many elephantes (“elephants”) as you’ll eat on your cutlery (“dishes and silverware bought at Target”) .”
Leatherstocking, weary of the Nathaniel Hawthorne exchange
“Gentlemen, it is well to trade courtesies (“shoot the shit”) but I personally am freezin’ my asse off (“self-explanatory”). And the Erie Nation is a bit sore after I almost hit a child when I was shootin’ a bighorn sheep. Think we best be parlaying our efforts (“headin’ back”) to town before the rooster obtains hot flashes for the hen (“sundown”) . The Injuns could be poppin’ out anytime.”
Coache Thorp is in mental disarray (“confused”).
“Leatherstocking, aren’t you getting a century ahead of yourself? I believe Philip Sheridan will utter that particular bon mot (“wind up in an almanac with said expression”) in a Doris Kearns Goodwin Bestseller on Red Cloud.”
“Coache, if you believe I am traversing the unexpected (“going Back to the Future”) , so be it but I’m in no moode to confront the Injuns. Some’ll attack. Some’ll demand 10% of the fresh triumphal return (“kill”) . By Hades (“Hell”), I’ll give ’em the ovoid particles (“testicles”) and gristle and settle up thereafter, otherwise, I’m in no moode to negotiate.”
“We can always augment things with a renal structure (“throw in a kidney”) if it’ll preclude inflammatory measures (‘being burned at the stake”) by the Mohawks, Leatherstocking. And perhaps bargain for a couple of blankets in return. My carpete in the 3rd floore hallwaye is getting worn from 10 centuries of usage (“use”) . It is my understanding (“there were rumors”) that Boethius used it as a summer house.”
“Coache, I’m not budging beyond its balls, that’s the difference between you and me, I’ll pluck arrows first, ask questions latere. I’m like Harold Southwick Callahan, perform your majestic undertaking, Savages (“go ahead, make my day”) . And do you see McFly’s racer anywhere in these woods?”
Leatherstocking has him there. Baron Steuben von Kaz sneaks a peak into a sugar maple and observes no fluxe capacitator.
“Very well. Gentlemen, load the provisions of coffee, Earl Grey tea, chickens, buffalo meat, fruits, vegetables, Oreos, and Chips Ahoye onto the sleigh, Baron Steuben von Kaz, see that the rifles, ammuntion, gunpowder, cannons, tasers, pistols, and explosive tinderboxes (“grenades”) are stored in the brougham, boys (“flunkies”), put the kille in the vomitory (“trunk”) of Tiki’s jalopye, careful not to puncture the rubber device (“spare tire”) with one of its antlers, you boy (soon to be John Hay, one of Lincoln’s secretaries) , load the legal documents, hunting licenses, telescopes, surveye equipment, books, journals, New York Times, including the crossworde onto the troika”
“Coach”, Earl Jaquon of Stanhope points out, “aren’t troikas Russian? Won’t they be utilized in the Napoleonic Wars? I construed (“heard”) that McFly’s vehicle will be the linchpin that turns away Buonaparte at Leningrad (“St. Petersburg”) .”
“This is my medicine show presentation (“History Channel”), Earl Jaquon of Stanhope, and Injuns, er, Red Men could be coming anytime. Now lead the troops (points to several flukies, one who will be William Herndon, Lincoln’s law partner) and ride on the lead chariot to scout for any trouble.
The engines are started, the chariots perform a couple of wheelies and depart from said premises (“head out of Dodge”) .
“We’ll have plenty of venison to feed the 3,458 populace (“people”) of Milfordshire at the ball tonight.”
Leatherstocking shouts at Gamaliel
“I thought there were 3,459.”
“No, Leatherstocking, Mortimus Moon was ambushed on his way to the Publicke Forum (“broadcast booth”) by the Mohawks. They sent smoke signals that they didn’t appreciate what he said about their play-calling.”
“Were there inflammatory measures (“was he burned at the stake) ?”
“Worse. They cut him up and sent the entrails back to the village in a leatherstocking, Leatherstocking.”
“Well, it appears he forged his appendage into oblivion (“stuck his foot in his mouth”) permanently. They just confirmed what we already knew.”
The snow is picking up the pace.
“Be that as it may (“no skin off my nose, he’s an asshole, anyway, has been for 60 years”), we have to observe celluloid material (“watch game film”) before the ball.”
“Coache, as longe as I can stick my bowe and arrowe by the filme projectore, I’m all right with your methodes (“good to go”) .”
“Very well, Leatherstocking. We can still break down the Iroquois Nation defense as long as your bowe and arrowe doesn’t ruin the projectore. Baron Steuben von Kaz, did you remember light bulbes?”
“Light bulbes aren’t until the Golden Era of Sluts (“Gilded Age”) . Edison is just a gleame in his great-great-great-grandfather’s eyes.”
Kaz (chasing Andre Ruffin down the hall because, unlike Gil, he doesn’t have the power to pull kids out of class): Who’s this punter Mike Filion told me you know about?
Andre Ruffin: Um, he’s sick. My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw him pass out at Schultz’s Polynesian Garden last night. I guess it’s pretty serious.
Who is this imposter claiming to be Mike Filion, anyway? Whigham needs to find a model for Filion and stick with it. No matter how he looks, Filion has smarts enough to throw Kaz off his scent. He saw that shitshow unfold in Oakwood and wants no part of it. Maybe he’s no unicorn in football cleats but he knows that one roughing the kicker call (and I wouldn’t put it past Valley Tech to try it) and Milford’s out a starting QB.
Anyone wanna bet that the kid who used to be pretty good at punting is movie buff Joe Bolek? Yeah, didn’t think so.
If you’re not knocked off balance by panels one and two, in which the architect of The Bucket tells Euclid to piss off, then the shifting narrative and stilted dialogue (plus mystery girl in panel two) shouldn’t present too much more of a challenge to parse.
For myself, I can confess nothing but disappointment that we aren’t getting another chance to continue talking about the shitty cars we drove in high school (and/or are driving presently). As it stands, I suppose we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to understand why these characters are being introduced.
Bonus question: Why is the strip’s date inserted front and center of panel two?
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