This Week in Milford

July 30, 2019

Wow, I Could Have Had A V8 And Gone To Harvard Law School!!!!

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Mudlark Heaven is the place for me

Playin’ for Coach Thorp just relaxes me

That hair, combed and moussed so far and wide

Keep New Thayer, just gimme ol’ Milford High

 

Newwwwww Thayer is vere yoo need tooo stay

Veee get allergic vith zeeeee condo vayysssss

Veeee hate Hadley und her outhouse views

Dah-ling, veee love yoo but move to Park Avenue

 

So I’m a little mystified at who the Flemings might be so today’s theme will carry a Nick at Nite flavor to it. Just be patient, it will all come out in the wash. I’m not too sure about the story but I have no control over that. You’ll have to go down to the Home Office for Thorpiverse if you want to complain.

And the first item on the agenda right outta the gate HAS to be the choice of imbibing combinations we are observing in P1. Okay, okay, we are finally informed in P2 that it’s iced tea but that Folger’s heating up in the background is enough of a double-reverse to allow my imagination to run wild. I’ll run the gamut from Nestle’s Quik to Fresca out of the fridge to Minute Maid No-Squeeze Pulp-Free Deloused-Tangelos Orange Juice. Pouring out of a 1-gallon beaker is only intensifying the guessing game. We don’t see them but I’m bettin’ the deposition that Hadley Vitriolic possesses in her hand and in her purse under the Kleenex and crammed up her butt that Jaquan has a couple of Erlenmeyer flasks on the counter somewhere. Really no need to show that they’re filled to the brim with Hawaiian Punch and Kiwi Kool-aid. Thorpiverse was willing to let your imagination run wild but they’re there. Rest assured.

And if filling half the collection of plastic cups with Squoze Drink Mix wasn’t enough, Again, Jaquan has the Mr. Coffee contraption a-brewin’ for good measure. If he dies of thirst after all the trouble, he must have sewn his mouth shut. I know reading Law 333 can be intense and you need to do more listening and reading than talking but this is ridiculous.

“Missss-ter Case, why are you sit-ting in your seat with that my-ri-ad bun-dle of strings attached to your embouchment?”

“Well, you see, Kingsfield, he just feels that if you want to learn law, you should come with your ears open and your mouth sewn shut.”

“I see. Today’s lesson covers Property Law in relation to damages…”

Stating the obvious

After a teacher somewhere in England is prosecuted for having sex with 4 teenaged students

“I’m going to go to prison for this.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Ms. Risk Cleared Of Charges After Accusations Of Improper Behavior With Bobby Howry And Tiki Jansen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’m in my room with my typewriter all day. Luhm brings me lunch at 9:00PM, but that’s it!!!!!!!!!!”

 

At Donna Stone’s residence

“Dr. Stone, I know you have Boy Scout Jamboree, Cancer Research Seminar, Jeff’s golf match at Hilldale Country Club against the Mudlarks, and Mrs. Stone’s Bake-Off at The Bucket all in one night but you are being subpoenaed to the Milford Superior Court.”

“Donna, can’t you slip out one the Bake-Off is over? You’re a cinch to win the Frosting portion of the competition anyway.”

“Well, I think I can beat Mimi at her own game and then head on to the School Board meeting. Mimi uses generic flour on all her Dutch chocolate and coconut cakes. I’m not worried. BTW, Alex, where is that smoke coming from?”

“It’s coming from next door!!!!!!!!!!! My goodness, did Jaquan forget to turn off the Mr. Coffee machine again?”

Is Jaquan borrowing the Thorps’ verandah even as I type? You know tyhe old saying, when Gil’s away, the mice will play. Leaving the possibilities for another time, I have finally deduced that those are Hi-liters, not bullet shells on the table there. Doubtin’ that Jaquan pursued an early morning fox hunt before he curled up with a tome on international law. He’s just trying to get smarter, Gang. Nothing like being prepared for Fall.

Gang, I apologize, Mom came to town and She’s done A LOT for me and sacrificed A LOT for me and I couldn’t turn her away. The material is coming, trust me. Thanks for your patience.

 

“Sittin’ in Gil’s chair reading parliamentary law

Waitin’ for Fall class to begin

Birds are dropping on page 1-0-3

Woe is me

Find another tree…”

 

The inspiration for “Venus & Mars Rock Show”. Who’da thunk it. And really, it all started when he poured a cartoon-duration (i.e., Fred Flintstone never spills over the table and hits the saber-tooth cat or Dino when he’s pouring brontosaurus milk on his Fruity Pebbles) length of Nestea in his ULINE cup. The man has talent. He’ll have tenure before the next election at that rate.
Now if he can find another catalpa tree without a bird’s nest, he’s in business.

 

At Sanford & Son’s junkyard

“Mr. Sanford, you’re going to have to go to court to state why Tiki must go back to Rockville when he already lives in Rockville.”

“Hush yo’ mouth. I ain’t gonna go to no judge an’ tel’ him that Tiki kin stay wher’ he’s at. There’s laws statin’ he’s just as good as his hometown. Tha’s final, I ain’t gonna put my John Henry on nuttin'”

“Aw, come on, Pop. Them kids beat him to a pulp and all he’s trying to do is make a better life for himself. Right, Hadley Virtueless?”

“I’m afraid so. If I have to get a court order, I will. I suggest you make this easy on yourself, Mr. Sanford.”

“Yeah, Fred, you miserable jackass. What’d dat kid evuh do to you? Steal one of yore hubcaps? It’s bad enough you lost yore shirt tryin’ to cut a deal wid Gil and Mimi haulin’ their trash away. Like wut were ya gonna do wid dat aquarium they wuz throwin’ out? Build a swimmin’ pool by da trash compactor in yore back yard?”

“Esther, if I did, I wouldn’t put a shark in there wid yore dentures. Charlie the Tuna would eat ol’ Jaws alive.”

“Fred, if you don’t sign dat dere paper, I is gonna knock you out wid my Bible. If I can belt 10 muggers on a subway cold dead, you KNOW what it’ll do wid YOU!!!!!!!”

“Plus you’ll have a bench warrant AND a black eye. Now sign this paper.”

“You hear dat, Elizabeth? Dis is da Big One!!!!!!!! I’m bein’ blackmailed!!!!!!!!”

“Awwww, shut up, Pop. Sign the document and let’s go. Coach Kaz is paying us nicely for towing his Volkswagen Jetta off his property. But we got a half an hour before he goes on vacation. We better get his check NOW or we’re cooked, Man. Here’s a pen.”

 

Today’s Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared Of Molestation Charges At Milford High School!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was just in the gym rehearsing ELO’s ‘All Over The World’!!!!!!!!!!”

“Look after Jaquan. See that some harm is done to him.”

I don’t think Hugo Drax will be successful if Jaws’ cousin in P2 (NOT the animal, you ninnies) continues to sport notebooks that for once look like notebooks, not the See Spot Run rudimentary loose-leaf cigarette packs we’re used to seeing.

“See Dick read Bel-Air. It says “Warning: Smoking has been found in the labs to be hazardous to the fetus-”

‘Dick, you dumbass’, says Jane, ‘That’s a notebook. Mom says so. Right now look at Spot. See Spot chew up notebook. He thinks it’s a Milk Bone.’

‘Then who’s ‘Marlboro Man”? asks Dick.

‘He’s a BAD man,’ says Jane. ‘His treachery is worth 100 loose-leafs. Or 50 Marty Moons if you’re counting in Eurodollars.’

‘Who’s Marty Moon?’, asks Dick.

‘Wait until we get to page 15 and see Spot attack a donkey’, says Jane.”

 

If ya gotta go to court after the lawyer went ta see the Brady Bunch and Ozzie and Harriet Nelson and Larry the Cable Guy and Eight is Enough becuz ya gotta testify against yore best friend after he got arrested for Drunk and Disorderly Conduct at a T-Ball game at Milford Sports Complex includin’ peein’ on home plate before the kiddies started infield practice, ya might be a redneck.

And what in the name of Ricky Nelson is up with the verandah design in P2? Is this an infinite convergent pattern that will reach the asymptote (or NOT reach it, really) somewhere by the Milford Water Tower? God, no wonder why Jaws’ one leg is shorter than the other. Make yourself at home, Jaquan. While your one leg is stuck in the sewer line, your other one should stretch TO New Thayer. Looks like a winning case to me. Gotta get there and back if ya wanna live to tell about it. Just stand up and do the 7th-inning stretch and things oughta go off without a hitch.

 

At the Cleaver residence

“Ward, do you think Beaver should go before a judge? It might be a little daunting.”

“Nonsense, June. It’ll teach him responsibility. He needs to learn to tell the truth under oath after witnessing Lumpy Rutherford and Eddie Haskell throwing eggs at Gil’s ranch house.”

“I agree, Mr. Cleaver. If Beaver will sign right here next to the Ballard Insurance policy, we’re good to go.”

“Gosh, Beaver, don’t be a dope and sign the wrong paper. Dad doesn’t need any coverage for his Harley. He already has one with Milford State Farm Insurance.”

 

And that is a pre-cursor into P3. God, this is just opening itself for abuse.

“Let me discuss the matter with my partner.”

“I don’t know, Chico. You might want to ask The Man first before the ink dries.”

No

Well, Hell, Hadley Verdure was the only female in the living room but still believe Thorpiverse keeps it heterosexual, although allowing for strong possibilities for same-sex marriage to thrive in Milford

Who in the world are all these people that Thorpiverse keeps throwing at us? It’s bad enough that I thought that the dude to the left was putting on his Ninja outfit but hard to imagine his doing that in front of ANYONE, much less Hadley Valley Tech. I now know that he is crossing his leg. getting your eyes adjusted will do that.

We STILL have the issue of going from Kenny Rogers to Nancy Kulp to today’s Chico & The Man  with the unfortunate sidenote that this reads more like an Anne Tyler novel than a sports plot. Really, when I read the sports scoreboard, I’m not expecting to see the entire story of “The Accidental Tourist” next to the bowling scores but that’s pretty much the long and tall of it. Maybe one day Thorpiverse will quit reading V. C. Andrews and publish REAL sports. Gil posing with his putter is a good start. It might be a long way from Putt-Putt to football scrimmage but remember, you only chew an elephant one bite at a time.

BTW, I’d like that lamp in Mr. Fleming’s living room. I’ve been wanting to revamp my household with a neo-Art Deco atmosphere. Name your price, Mr. Fleming.

 

All righty then, Gang. It’s your turn. I’m going to join in the conversation in P3. I thought it was awful nice for Mr. Fleming to treat everybody to pterodactyl eggs and show everybody his stick figure drawings that he’s got on the coffee table. That should lighten the mood. Just gotta watch the egg count. My doctor said watch the cholestrerol.

 

Da da, da BOM BOM

“Bull shit”

Da da, da BOM BOM

“Just qvit”

Da da, da BOM BOM

“Football”

Da da, da BOM BOM

“Don’t stall”

 

“I say he stays”

“It looks zat vay”

“In Fall he will be therrreeeeee”

As Eddie Albert stomps his pitchfork for extra emphasis on Ballard’s toe. Green Acres, Green Suit, life couldn’t be greener. Shouldn’t extend to Ballard’s teeth but Thorpiverse never told Ballard to say “Ah”, maybe because the face would collapse if he did. Darn, we’ll never know.

June 5, 2019

Going Dutch at the Coffee Cantina?

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Here at TWIM we’ve pretty much concluded Milford is in Michigan. While it’s true Michigan has some Dutch influences, I totally did not expect the Coffee Cantina to turn into a full-blown Amsterdam coffeeshop overnight. Had to run with the color version to confirm that the brownie was indeed a brownie. You know it’s a great brownie when you haven’t even taken a bite out of it. Contact high much?

Everyone (including myself) who had written Linda off as a loser who was willing to turn down a volley scholly because she wasn’t yet Olympian material can just hold that thought, at least for today. Skipping practice doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve given up on your sport (remember Allen Iverson?).

The less said about Mimi’s heavy-handed Animal Farm assignment, the better. I’m also disappointed that Mimi didn’t run ’em till they puked before convening Book Club, but if it leads to Molly and Nancy giving Linda a TCFS button for skipping volleyball practice to eat a hash brownie at the Coffee Cantina, I can live with it.

May 11, 2019

TCFS Goes To Eleven

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Well it doesn’t stand for Top Cat or Twin Cities, that much is certain. Then again, maybe Molly’s related to Mickey. But what the hell kind of thing is she placing in Jamila’s enormous, Ernie Lombardi-like hand as she stands on a classic Nelson bench?  Is it some kind of challenge coin? The equivalent of a merit decal? They put those on batting helmets now, dontchaknow. Or is it a merit decal in pog form?

You know how I know Rubin sees this blog? Yesterday’s Molly Hatchet joke would be a big clue, but he could’ve been planning that from the get-go. No, it’s his response to our steady complaints about the lack of strong female characters in this strip and of story arcs that focus on girls’ sports. What do we get in return? Several months of this drivel. This had potential: internal team strife between girls who have varied outside interests and girls who are monomaniacally focused on the game gets ironed out as the girls come together and start winning. By turning them into unintentional mean girls who form a clique by beating an already dead horse of a phrase even deader (five times in the past week, eleven total in the arc to date), Rubin is flirtin’ with making a mockery of the whole concept.

May 9, 2019

Rocki Works In Mysterious (And Quick!) Ways

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P1: Either we skipped a few days, or Graphic Goddess Rocki whipped up some original design in just a few minutes. Perhaps she used lots of copy and paste art.

P2: That word, you keep using it…

P3: Oooooh! Thursday cliffhanger! Could they have included the proper noun along with the pronoun? Sure looks like there’s space in for a larger dialogue balloon. Truly great pacing to use the last bit of dialogue to reestablish Molly’s name.

Bonus question: What is that thing that maybe could be the back of a CRT monitor in panel three?

Minus point: I am so committed to posting these things that I can confirm that the logo in panel three is likely not that of Skyborne Advertising, erstwhile enabler of B/Robby Howry’s mass media anti-Gil ad campaign.

January 26, 2019

Getting Ripped Every Day

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In typical Gil Thorp Saturday cliffhanger fashion, none of the Mudlark seniors come right out and give rando underclassman the straight dope on B/Robby.  Just some passive-aggressive reasons they didn’t like him.  Could it be that none of them actually know what went down?

I’m having a difficult time figuring out what’s on Andre’s locker shelf.  The rectangular object with the “12” on top I figure to be a shoebox with a genericized Nike logo, unless Andre’s gone super retro with a pair of Batas like Magic Johnson used to wear.  But what’s that next to the shoebox?  Pack of Luckies?  Some Gold Bond?

Also having a difficult time figuring out how B/Robby is sustaining himself such that he can go on Marty’s show every day.  I can’t imagine he’s on the WDIG payroll… yet… but as soon as station manager LBJ figures out Howry will cost him relative peanuts, Marty will be on the streets and dumpster diving behind Schultz’s Polynesian quicker than you can say “Clumsy Amy Lange.”

January 25, 2019

An Echo Chamber Does Not a Groundswell Make

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We’re being asked to fill in a lot of blanks here today.  Other than the one caller who called bullshit on their short-term memory loss yesterday, it’s just been Marty and B/Robby taking turns getting their digs in on Gil.  (You notice no one ever calls for Kaz’s head?  They know he’s liable to track them down and put his fist through theirs.)  Do those two take turns running out of the studio and calling in?  I suppose between calls Marty can get a bite to eat from the automat that has magically appeared behind his head.  Or do Wildcat Maris, Hobart, Barry Bader et al. just have WDIG on speed dial?

WDIG’s station manager seems vaguely aware that this whole kerfuffle is purely Marty’s and The Boy Who Would Be Coach’s doing, but as long as the ad revenue is coming in and he can keep shuffling those invoices, it’s all gravy.  Then again he may be waxing nostalgic about how he earned that trophy behind him for being the best Studebaker salesman in the Valley, or planning to order some Haggar slacks to go with that shawl-collared jacket of his while remembering how he used to hold meetings while he was on the can.

Meanwhile, in the Mudlark locker room, the real wheels get set in motion when rando underclassman asks rando seniors to dish the dirt on B/Robby.  Howry’s placebo-dealing, Bacon-manipulating backstory will be shared, rando underclassman will call Marty to expose B/Robby on air, WDIG’s engineer will again lose his mind, and Gil’s reputation will be saved without any action on his part.  This had better be good.

January 4, 2019

Levee Song

I’ve been slipping in the claaaaasssroom

All the live-long daaaaay…

I’ve been slipping in the claaaasssroom

Just to pass the time awaaaaay….

Cant you hear the whistle blowing

Rise up so early in the morn

Cant you hear the Kazman shouting…

Howry blow your hoooorn!

Howry wont you blow

Howry wont you blow?

Howry wont you blow your hooooorn?

Howry wont you blow

Howry wont you blow

Howry wont you blow your horn!

Fee fi fiddly I oh

Fee fi fiddly I ohhhhhh

Fee fi FIDDLY I OH???\

Strumming on Gils old banjo.

Someones at the Bucket with Kettlehead

Someones at the Bucket I knooow

Someones in the kitchen with Marjie

Strummin on her old Tape -Oh.

 

And in P3 Bobby Howry is inviting the man on the other end to fart over the phone.

 

December 28, 2018

The ceiling is falling

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Gil Thorp, Pantheon of Mysterious Objects — robmize2013 @ 7:51 pm

Nice D in P2– anyone teach Danbury how to put their hand up to contest a jumper? Nope– we’ll just stare at Mike Filion until he blinks. Gil has rare coaching advice in P3, and it wont matter whatsoever. Danbury could use that advice however in P2.

Time for a late Christmas song:

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout I’m telling you why…

Derrick Rose is coming to towwwwn.

 

He’s making a J

And checking in twice

He’s gonna make MVP chants sound so nice.

Derrick Rose is coming to towwwwwwwwwn….

 

The fans in UC Chi-town

Will make a raucous plea

Theyre gonna tell John Paxson now

To re-bag this guy for free.

So—-

they better sell out

and trade some old guys

cause Rose can still play I’m telling you why

Too big too fast too strooooong………………

TOO GOOD!

 

 

 

 

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