This Week in Milford

June 2, 2021

Give Him a Loose Enough Tie to Hang Himself

Hey y’all, look! It’s the return of Herk the Mauler! No? Okay, it’s at least the return of Ed Asner, right? Huh? Oh, alright. It’s just another Milford Library Board member who could pass for Ed Asner. But hey, he’s got pie!

And what’s this? Marty Moon is there to cover the Library Board action? Say it ain’t so! Of course it ain’t so. The Library Board has its own goatee wearer and, besides, Marty’s presence would violate a sacred tenet of Gil Thorp: that there can be only one bad guy with facial hair per strip. (Or is that Mark Trail I’m thinking of?) Since Abel Brito Charlie Delta Echo has that spot covered, this can’t be Marty.

Looks like we’re gonna get that Mr. Smith Goes to Washington scenario I predicted on Saturday. Like most Milfordians, the Library Board is self-important, craves attention, and believes any publicity is good publicity. What better way to get even more fannies in the stacks then to put the two guys who’ve been sniping each other in print on public display? Mama Brito’s troubled head bobble is indication enough that Abel’s humiliation will be the family’s, as it plays out in slower motion than Boo Radley’s car crash.

Now all we have to anticipate is how Mimi ex machina will grease the skids for Corina to get into State U on a softball scholly.

May 31, 2021

How Does Their Garden Grow?

Filed under: Gil Thorp, huge hats, Mimi Thorp, Pantheon of Mysterious Objects — nedryerson @ 3:01 pm

It’s time to get back to recapping actual action in banal settings…like the Thorps’ garden! Get out your gloves and floppy hats and let’s do some weeding, pruning and mulching. Mimi looks like she’s got a proper digging tool, but Gil seems to be ready for some ceremonial Vulcan combat with that thing. (Maybe he’s gonna flip a small pizza. Do they have one of those trendy, brick pizza ovens?)

So to recap, Zane and Katy have had lousy performances and maybe there’s a common reason or maybe they’re just mediocre. They can just conclude that their teams are so-so and they wouldn’t want it any other way so they can ease into summer without any annoying playdowns. (There may not be playdowns in the spring seasons. Who cares? They don’t.) Send Corina to Farmers University of Central Kentucky and start mixing the lemonade.

Enjoy what’s left of your Memorial Day everybody.

March 6, 2021

Saying the Quiet Part Loud

Odds are you heard this phrase a lot in the news over the past year. It has its origins in an episode of The Simpsons I referenced once a couple of years ago.

Now in a heel turn the lies of which would have made Andre the Giant proud, Tessi says the quiet part loud.

To be honest I think Tessi’s remained quiet on the really quiet part. Using a guy’s car as an excuse to go out or not out with him might’ve been a thing back in 1958 when this strip started and it might still have been a thing for quite a few years after; now, not so much. It probably started becoming less of a thing after the OPEC embargo in 1973, but I could be wrong. In today’s world where fewer teens are getting drivers’ licenses, it’s become even less of a thing. Maybe that’s why girls don’t compete with Goats for Doug Guthrie.

I doubt it’s fear of being seen in Vic’s GMC (Grandpa Motors Corporation?) van – or of what could happen to her inside it – that keeps Tessi from accepting his invitation. But even Tessi can’t state the obvious and she can’t be entirely wrong in P2, either. Those dueling exploding eyes with a head bobble are part “Oh no she din’t!” and part “She says what we’re all thinking!” If any of those Lady Mudlarks’ eyes should not be exploding, it’s Corina’s. It’s impossible that a tank town like Milford didn’t get the news about her little ménage à trois with the dueling QBs last fall.

Tune in on Monday when we see how high off the floor and onto a horse Corina gets at that postgame pizza party. Let’s hope she takes that flyswatter off the pizza first. (What? You can’t tell me that’s a spatula!)

January 9, 2021

It’s Not the One Marked “Free Candy”

Today let’s be anoraks and go down the rabbit hole of passenger vans. The Chevy Astro and its GMC Safari sibling were mid-size vans sold by GM from the mid-1980s until the mid-2000s. They were sold in both cargo and passenger van configurations. Even though they haven’t been made in over a decade and a half, you still see them on the road once in a while. I’m guessing in Vic’s case he doesn’t live in his down by the river, so the conversion isn’t of the camper kind but of the kind that helps him accommodate his CP. It should then look something like this:

What’s the point of all this? A point of connection between distracted kartboy Guthrie and overzealous PA boy Doucette. Maybe a few poor showings on the track will convince Doug that racing’s not his future but wrenching is. We can fast forward a few years to find Vic doing PA work for the Detroit Pistons while Doug is swapping actual pistons in the last few internal combustion-engined vehicles in town at the Milford Garage and Auto Body.

Tune in Monday when Vic fills us in on the van and the rest of the Mudlarks finally eat those burgers.

December 14, 2020

What Are You Taping To My Ankle?

Filed under: basketball, Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, Trainer Rick Scott — nedryerson @ 4:37 am

Winter is upon us. It’s time to put away the pigskin and quickly jump into basketball. Do we get to leave all those losers we got sick of during football season behind? We will find out. For now, we are free of the idiot QBs and the sassy idiot QB whisperer and we can focus on…

Some exciting practice with our old friends Charlie “Ruh” Roh and Marcel “The Shell” Irby. Those fishnet practice vests are looking super snazzy, like the kind of thing a dude would wear to dominate the middle against other faceless Mudlark day players. Is ’21 gonna be Irby’s year?

So we have a slight bit of carryover from the gridiron. Leonard Fleming is still recovering from injuries sustained in the game against Valley Tech. The good news is that we get a Trainer Rick Scott appearance. But what is Trainer Rick doing to Leonard’s ankle? Is he putting a blood pressure cuff it? It’s mighty odd for a tape job. It looks like Leonard is suited up to play though, so we shouldn’t fret about his injuries. We don’t even know what any of these guys’ roles are yet. Marjie?

December 11, 2020

Aliens landing

Cant believe a whole week later and I’m AGAIN describing the last game of the season. Like shooting a dead horse to put it out of its misery, the Larks manage to run out the clock instead of risking a heroic pass like Dickhead Lineman suggests in the huddle. But they take so long to end the season that alien ships have time to get to earth and pull them all into orbit, never to be seen again.

If you think I’ll miss these morons, you got another one coming. Good riddance. Hope they took Gil with em too. Hows that Delaware T gonna look on Mars, Gildo??

December 7, 2020

It All Looks Goofy

Gil is really excited about the future of Milford football! They’ll be running all kinds of trick plays and those defenses won’t know what hit ’em. As for right now, in this season, at Valley Tech, let’s just hope they don’t turn the ball over four times.

It looks like Thayer and Rapson are finally united and can stand side by side and lead cheers for QB Fleming. This happened just in time for the alien mothership to abduct them and take them to Tralfamadore for extensive probing. They can live out their lives in a zoo. Maybe their keepers will fashion an animatronic Corina to bring them brownies and do other favors for them.

Corina and her volleyball teammates have travelled to Valley Tech to take in the game. I think Corina is eating a hot dog. Is she glad she came? She’ll answer the question after she sees how good the hot dog is.

August 15, 2020

You Should Leave Your Hat On

August 14, 2020

gt08142020

Alexa hasn’t had many opportunities to throw her weight around since graduation; pressing her line of questioning on Corina gives her one. Mama Karenna may not be behind bars after all, since she’s going to “appointments,” but that still doesn’t explain why Corina’s able to call her own shots when it comes to moving to Milford. Emancipated minor? Mom on parole? Wearing a chunky ankle bracelet? Corina’s not giving a straight answer, speaking in metaphors about depression until finally she makes up some story about a hat to break off the conversation.

August 15, 2020

gt08152020

co·mor·bid·i·ty /ˌkōmôrˈbidədē/, n. comorbidity; plural noun: comorbidities; noun: co-morbidity; plural noun: co-morbidities. the simultaneous presence of two chronic diseases or conditions in a patient.

Okay, so the hat wasn’t a red herring. Where did it come from then? We didn’t see it at any time since Wednesday, when first we saw these three at the diner. And where did Alexa go? The depression song and dance might’ve been enough to satisfy her curiosity. Maybe she had to go buy some more stuff for her dorm room. Corina’s not her problem anyway…

… and she sure as hell isn’t Maureen’s problem either. Mo better keep her trap shut else Corina comes back to the diner and lobotomizes her with that pencil.

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