This Week in Milford

January 9, 2021

It’s Not the One Marked “Free Candy”

Today let’s be anoraks and go down the rabbit hole of passenger vans. The Chevy Astro and its GMC Safari sibling were mid-size vans sold by GM from the mid-1980s until the mid-2000s. They were sold in both cargo and passenger van configurations. Even though they haven’t been made in over a decade and a half, you still see them on the road once in a while. I’m guessing in Vic’s case he doesn’t live in his down by the river, so the conversion isn’t of the camper kind but of the kind that helps him accommodate his CP. It should then look something like this:

What’s the point of all this? A point of connection between distracted kartboy Guthrie and overzealous PA boy Doucette. Maybe a few poor showings on the track will convince Doug that racing’s not his future but wrenching is. We can fast forward a few years to find Vic doing PA work for the Detroit Pistons while Doug is swapping actual pistons in the last few internal combustion-engined vehicles in town at the Milford Garage and Auto Body.

Tune in Monday when Vic fills us in on the van and the rest of the Mudlarks finally eat those burgers.

December 14, 2020

What Are You Taping To My Ankle?

Filed under: basketball, Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, Trainer Rick Scott — nedryerson @ 4:37 am

Winter is upon us. It’s time to put away the pigskin and quickly jump into basketball. Do we get to leave all those losers we got sick of during football season behind? We will find out. For now, we are free of the idiot QBs and the sassy idiot QB whisperer and we can focus on…

Some exciting practice with our old friends Charlie “Ruh” Roh and Marcel “The Shell” Irby. Those fishnet practice vests are looking super snazzy, like the kind of thing a dude would wear to dominate the middle against other faceless Mudlark day players. Is ’21 gonna be Irby’s year?

So we have a slight bit of carryover from the gridiron. Leonard Fleming is still recovering from injuries sustained in the game against Valley Tech. The good news is that we get a Trainer Rick Scott appearance. But what is Trainer Rick doing to Leonard’s ankle? Is he putting a blood pressure cuff it? It’s mighty odd for a tape job. It looks like Leonard is suited up to play though, so we shouldn’t fret about his injuries. We don’t even know what any of these guys’ roles are yet. Marjie?

December 11, 2020

Aliens landing

Cant believe a whole week later and I’m AGAIN describing the last game of the season. Like shooting a dead horse to put it out of its misery, the Larks manage to run out the clock instead of risking a heroic pass like Dickhead Lineman suggests in the huddle. But they take so long to end the season that alien ships have time to get to earth and pull them all into orbit, never to be seen again.

If you think I’ll miss these morons, you got another one coming. Good riddance. Hope they took Gil with em too. Hows that Delaware T gonna look on Mars, Gildo??

December 7, 2020

It All Looks Goofy

Gil is really excited about the future of Milford football! They’ll be running all kinds of trick plays and those defenses won’t know what hit ’em. As for right now, in this season, at Valley Tech, let’s just hope they don’t turn the ball over four times.

It looks like Thayer and Rapson are finally united and can stand side by side and lead cheers for QB Fleming. This happened just in time for the alien mothership to abduct them and take them to Tralfamadore for extensive probing. They can live out their lives in a zoo. Maybe their keepers will fashion an animatronic Corina to bring them brownies and do other favors for them.

Corina and her volleyball teammates have travelled to Valley Tech to take in the game. I think Corina is eating a hot dog. Is she glad she came? She’ll answer the question after she sees how good the hot dog is.

August 15, 2020

You Should Leave Your Hat On

August 14, 2020

gt08142020

Alexa hasn’t had many opportunities to throw her weight around since graduation; pressing her line of questioning on Corina gives her one. Mama Karenna may not be behind bars after all, since she’s going to “appointments,” but that still doesn’t explain why Corina’s able to call her own shots when it comes to moving to Milford. Emancipated minor? Mom on parole? Wearing a chunky ankle bracelet? Corina’s not giving a straight answer, speaking in metaphors about depression until finally she makes up some story about a hat to break off the conversation.

August 15, 2020

gt08152020

co·mor·bid·i·ty /ˌkōmôrˈbidədē/, n. comorbidity; plural noun: comorbidities; noun: co-morbidity; plural noun: co-morbidities. the simultaneous presence of two chronic diseases or conditions in a patient.

Okay, so the hat wasn’t a red herring. Where did it come from then? We didn’t see it at any time since Wednesday, when first we saw these three at the diner. And where did Alexa go? The depression song and dance might’ve been enough to satisfy her curiosity. Maybe she had to go buy some more stuff for her dorm room. Corina’s not her problem anyway…

… and she sure as hell isn’t Maureen’s problem either. Mo better keep her trap shut else Corina comes back to the diner and lobotomizes her with that pencil.

June 24, 2020

Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Valley Modified Freakazoids!

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Somehow the worst kept secret in the Valley is out and everyone with nothing better to do has come come out in full force in anticipation of a pummeling. Gaze in wide wonder at the pantheon of headgear on display: a Kangol cap, a pith helmet, some kind of biker cap along with your usual flatbills. Imagine why pith helmet lady feels the need to record this event. Marvel at the number of baby bottles being held by grown-ass adults. Question about those sketchy figures in the background on the grassy knoll. Try your hardest not the meet the gaze of the child of the corn down in front, who is as incredulous that this has drawn a crowd as you are.

The ex-Mayor of Milford High, ever the attention whore, shows up with team t-shirts, clearly inspired by a cartoon that aired about five years before they were born. (Or not; there could be twentysomethings on that Valley Mod team.)

 

 

 

Who sprung for those shirts? Were they a Valley Mod graphic arts project? Did somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody call in a favor? Talk amongst yourselves.

We know the Mudlarks’ motivation for playing this game, but what was Gil and Kaz’s for letting them play it? Taking Hiawatha James’ “more baseball is better than less baseball” statement as a hint, it could be that the ‘Larks are either already done with their season or have already been eliminated from playdown contention. This really feels like a lose-lose for Milford, no matter whether the team follows the catcher with his H.R. Giger-inspired headgear’s advice or not. At this point, all we can do is sit back, watch the wackiness ensue, and hope for the best that we only have three more strips of this nonsense (my bet is on nine).

April 28, 2020

Green Eggs And Ham Got A Smackdown Tonight.

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Well, take a look at that girl who loathes the boy’s green eggs and ham

He must be a wandering fool

He doesn’t see, his food isn’t cool

All the girls hold their noses and let him walk on by

 

She wants to be somebody else

She’d rather be somebody else

She’d just as soon kiss somebody else

She’s not dumb

 

He’s probably somebody’s only choice

Eats his Trix so moist

Yeahhhhh, he’s probably somebody’s last resort

 

As a couple of readers have acutely noticed, why the guys are in full uniform is anybody’s guess but why The Mayor probably has green eggs and ham in his gym bag is one $64,000 question that REALLY isn’t worth answering. What’s the consolation prize if I don’t answer it and not obtain my $64,000 cashier’s check? MORE green eggs and ham????

And did you notice that the relationship between The Mayor and Phoebe has suddenly went south? Get a clue, Mayor. Believe me, I have a sister and the phone used to ring off the wall at my house when we were teenagers for dates with her. If some guy was at a movie with her and was eating small curd cottage cheese and Honey Nut Cheerios and he washed it down with Movie Time Buttered from Goat’s Milk popcorn, that’d be the last time my sister dated that gentleman. And I’d be hearing it ALL NIGHT LONG how she got grossed out by his culinary diversions.

So yeah, Mayor, you might want to alter the scenery and get REAL food out of your Lazy Susan at home or in the cafeteria line. Don’t be mixing Nestle’s Quik and Brussel sprouts in your chem lab in your basement then trying to make a move on Phoebe. Scope Mouth Wash isn’t going to cover a multitude of digestive sins.

 

Because I am really not sure, after looking at a graph on how many times a word like, for example, “prevaricate” or “soupcon” was mentioned in 1820 or 1847 or 1901 or 1975, how they could measure something such as word usage at, say, The Bucket or The Golden Gate Bridge or the ferry carrying tourists to the Statue of Liberty

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Has Been Declared Missing By The Milford Civil Defense Commission, Finally Found At The Archives Department Of The Milford Public Library!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Me and Cochran were amazed. They used ‘velocitous’ that many times in 1876 at the Grand Canyon????”

 

And Mayor, get with it. Your cuisine is crock to other people. Phoebe is making it painfully obvious that your green eggs and lox is putting the damper on what could be a great relationship. I’d tell you to wake up and smell the coffee but it looks like you’ve already done that, straight out of the Folger’s can. Boy, that’ll get a date with Phoebe at the prom, fer sure.

Couldn’t you see the police report?

“I caught him free-basing Maxwell House behind the alley. He’s a sure trip to the Milford Rehab Center if the judge has anything to do with it.”

And it’s nice that Thorpiverse printed the score this morning. But a picture of a player bunting, another taking a bad cut at the plate, the baseball team looking stupid behind the chain link fence and The Mayor foisting his Green Eggs and Lucky Charms Protein Mix are really not the same as what you do on the field. There’ll be no Lucky Charms between the lines, Thorpiverse. Remember that.

 

I saw him gorging on his Wheaties that was pan-fried in P B & J

He must be eating on edge

Topped off with a potato wedge

And when the Pop Tarts and the pasta and the pork chops light up his butt

 

She’d rather eat in some other room

She’d rather skip his fart-thumping booms

She’d rather kiss a mossy-draped tomb

She’s not dumb

 

He’s probably somebody’s burned-out light

Flicker out tonight

Yeaaahhhhh

He’s probably somebody’s doggie bag

 

I try to shut my eyes but I can’t shake S’mores out of my mind

I beg this to be over and leave his Alpo far behind

I’m gonna walk up to him and overlook his diet pork rinds

 

And are we at The Mayor’s HOUSE or at one of the faculty lounges at Milford High School? Nobody can design a house so that it doesn’t remind me of a pot-luck supper at Milford Interdenominational?

Boy, do we have a whole wheelbarrow full of paraphernalia that we could cart to the back door of the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Crow and Tom Servo would be livin’ large.

To be honest, I was kinda glad to see Gazoo drop in and park his vehicle so it wouldn’t interfere with dinner. Great call, Gazoo. Gotta park it so we have a place for the bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy. We dont want to put the yams on the high chair now, do we? And I understand the spacecraft doubles as a flower pot. Flying around Deneb and Lyra and a receptacle for impatiens, your ship is very busy in the Spring, Gazoo.

Then WHAT is that thing with the M on it? A portable heater from Mudlark Heating & Air Conditioning???? Does he drag that damn thing around the house with his Wheaties? I’m sure he leaves it out in the hallway when he has to go to the bathroom. DO NOT haul that to the back seat of Muench’s bag of bolts.

Remember that commercial for Hanes Underwear when the young women were taught by Melba in this indoctrinating room that the boxers aren’t Hanes until ol’ Melba says they’re Hanes?

Well,

“Gil, what are you doing?”

“What’s it look like? The dumbasses at Mudlark Heating & Air Conditioning forgot to laser tag the air conditioner again and I’m not turning it on to “fan” until the “M” is on the grill.”

“Gil, as long as you can cool off in your recliner smoking your cigar and drinking your Moet and Chandon while listening to Duke Jordan’s “Flight to Denmark”, what’s the fuss?”

“Woman, you don’t know jackshit about quality. Did Custer go into battle with an hammer and sickle decorated on his flag? Rest my case.”

 

Special headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Police Raid At Thorp Residence Nets Interesting Find!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Cars out in front were part of a party that was intent on inquiring about the multiple usage of the word “perspicacity” at Tombstone in the 1880’s. Clanton Brothers were disallowed.”

 

And WHAT is the cookie jar doing at the top of the cupboard? Does The Mayor truly need a stepladder to get Chips Ahoy? What other reason could there be for this particular Mysterious Object to be positioned in the Mystery Location? I guess we can’t have Grandma Mayor come over and munch on Oreos while the roast is in the oven. It’ll spoil her dinner. I don’t know why it’s OK for The Mayor to sip on egg nog and celery but I reckon we have to have protocol somewhere. Nobody would ever eat the roast. The oven would then be one more place for Gazoo to park his contraption.

Well, those look like apples anyway. Granny Smith or Golden Delicious, I can’t remember which. I don’t THINK Thorpiverse would try to sneak Red Delicious plums on us and stack ’em in the bowl.

 

At the Thorp household one fine afternoon

“Gil, what is a Martian doing in our oven? Goes by the name Yahoo, I thought I heard him say. I was going to bake rhubarb pie.”

“Mimi, I told you that you should have sprayed down the oven with Pam.”

 

And in P3, Phoebe keeps throwing them and The Mayor keeps eating them. Is The Mayor eating a record album? Don’t get me wrong, Focus, essentially the Led Zeppelin from Holland, has always put out killer music with Jan Akkerman being the Jimmy Page of the group but ain’t no way I’m putting “Moving Waves” on the griddle. Ever heard of a phonograph, Mayor? No, you don’t set the oven dial on 33 & 1/3. I give the readership permission to shoot me if I ever grill The Rolling Stones’ “Exile on Main Street” on the Smokemaster, let alone thicken it with Kraft Barbecue Sauce. Mayor, as the album commands, you better scrape that shit right off your shoes. And your Thermos and album sleeve. Phoebe is pretty much saying the same thing but she’s a Christian and has to watch her language to stay under the radar of the sensors.

 

I got some inspiration. I read an article that said that Erectile Dysfunction is caused by the wrong side of the brain controlling our impulses. So THAT’S why my sexual life has never been like “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”. I kept reading

 

 

“We’ll be back to see how Rachel Ray basted that Turkey Flambe Swimming in Nutrament Bars after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Thorp household once again, after a dinner of fried quiche, cheese, and wine, with Nutrament Vanilla Bars for dessert with Gazoo as the honored guest

“I thought Gazoo would NEVER leave. Who wants to hear dirt about Fred Flintstone actually using X-Lax? Wilma can’t be that bad of a cook-”

“Mommy, why does Daddy have all these wires on his head?”

“What are you talking about?”

“He’s watching Gunsmoke and he’s trying to shock himself. He says he wants to be as hard as Matt Dillon.”

In the living room, Gil’s head looking like a switchboard

“Gil, why are there Christmas tree lights on your head?”

“Dillon, don’t let Miss Kitty say you’re as limp as the pony in your barn!!!!!! Stand up and be counted!!!!!!!!! Oh, hey, Mimi, I went to Milford True Value and got some wires, lights, and a small fuse box. One flick of the switch and I shock the left side of my brain into action. That controls your sexual prowess. Man, I get harder than the saloon doors. It works better than Doc’s cough syrup.”

“Mommy, if I took Robitussin, would I get erect?”

“No, Jaime, of course not. Gil, you’re embarrassing me. Take those wires off and I will show you a better way.”

“When Matt Dillon is being tested by Wyatt Earp about his manhood? If I had to drop my pants and have nothing to show for it at Tombstone, I’d deserve to get my ass blown off by the Clanton Boys too. This wiring connection keeps me connected and ensures proper blood flow. I can set my wine glass on it while taking a drag from one of Stone’s cigars. Amazing what technology can do.”

“Mommy, does that mean I can get hot flashes from Flintstones chewables and the batteries in my Barbie car?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Keri!!!!! Daddy is just a little misled. The plot has gotten to him. Gil, with the power of Alka-Setzer, you can plop plop fizz fizz your limp garden hose and make it spray all over the yard with these EREC-3000 Medications.”

“Mommy, is that like turning on the hose-”

“Tune in to Part 2 next week, ‘Matt’s Masculinity on the run at The Santa Fe Trail’ on most of these stations.”

“I have to wait another week to see if Dillon can overcome his ED and wipe out the Dalton gang? I paid $20 for this switchbox and all I got was same Bat channel and an itchy jock strap.”

 

“Gil finally listened to me. He took those EREC-3000’s and threw the wires in the trash. And Gazoo finally got back to his home in the Milky Way so there’ll be no more surprises when I light the gas stove. What’s even better is that Gil and I are having the time of our lives. Nice to get those Good Vibrations without having to buy light bulbs. Come down to Milford Men’s Clinic and get your own vibrations. With proven plans and treatments, isn’t it time YOU shake ‘n’ bake? Gil certainly doesn’t have to pan-fry anymore.

 

Gang, thank you for your input. Let me get those Oreos off the roof and show you my appreciation. BTW, I think the M Mystery Object is The Mayor’s oxygen tank. I guess I’d need it too if I ran short of breath from Twinkies and Ultra Slim Fast Melange.

 

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gonzo Pearl Is Found In Abandoned Coal Mine Shaft After Being Missing For 2 Weeks!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I may need welder’s glasses for 2 months but I DID find out how many times ‘phantasmagorical’ was used from the caveman art on the wall.”

 

 

In Gil’s office where Coach Thorp is poring over the scouting reports for his next opponent

“Moving waves, the wind has left you and you are still in commotion

We are still repeating the word it has taught us, it moves our whole being to ecstasy

Waves, why do you all become excited and then all calm together…”

BBBUUUUURRRRRPPPPPP

BELCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Gil, that’s the 7th Focus album you’ve consumed. And your doctor warned you to watch the sodium.”

“I know, Kaz. Gotta stop the binge-eating.”

 

I’d hate to have to see Kaz do the Heimlich Maneuver on Gil when “Round Goes The Gossip” is caught in his throat.

 

Anyway, God bless you, Gang.

 

 

 

 

March 4, 2020

Failing the Schuring Test

gt03042020

I propose to consider the question, ‘Can comic strip writers think?’ This should begin with definitions of the meaning of the terms ‘comic strip writer’ and ‘think’. The definitions might be framed so as to reflect so far as possible the normal use of the words, but this attitude is dangerous. If the meaning of the words ‘comic strip writer’ and ‘think’ are to be found by examining how they are commonly used it is difficult to escape the conclusion that the meaning and the answer to the question, ‘Can comic strip writers think?’ is to be sought in a statistical survey such as a Gallup poll. But this is absurd.

One of the long-running tropes on the mothership of comics snark is that the strip Archie is written by the “Archie Joke Generating Laugh Unit 3000.” As for Gil Thorp: Artificial? Definitely. Intelligent? Well, uh, at least one of this season’s main characters has both her first and last names derived from well-known forms of artificial intelligence. (Ya think that’s where Rubin’s been leading us all along? Nah, gives him too much credit.)

Today I reckon we’re getting set up to find out if Chris Schuring is made of the same moral fiber as Alexa Watson. Teddy drove faster than the speed of light to get over to the library and reprise his Eddie Haskell schtick. Hoping against hope that we find out why mohawk boy has been holding a grudge toward Chris; otherwise this is just another red herring.

Instead of firing any more synapses to predict that outcome, I prefer to shift my focus to ponder the Milford Public Library and its parameters. How late does it stay open? Is it adequately heated? Did it get its start as a Carnegie Library? Is Aaron Aagard living there now? Talk amongst yourselves.

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