This Week in Milford

April 6, 2021

Brito, Unfiltered

See Abel Brito.

See Abel Brito’s tiny body.

See Abel Brito’s tiny briefcase.

See Abel Brito’s tiny bolero jacket.

See Abel Brito’s huge ego.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Abel Brito?

We saw yesterday that Abel Brito is just a step or two behind the times when it comes to internet connectivity and the finer points of working remotely. Maybe even more than a step or two, since he feels the need to print out his work. Good thing Dr. Pearl with a dye job is there to tell him where the printer is. (What? You can’t tell me that’s not Dr. Pearl with a dye job! Things are tough all over, especially since the Milford School Board froze faculty and staff salaries a couple of years ago.) She didn’t tell him how much it costs to print; prolly 5 or 10 cents a copy but free for Milford Library Board members. He did hear there’s a vacancy on the Library Board, didn’t he?

Abel Brito might be a step or two behind the times when it comes to teenage relationships, too. He’s obviously not happy about his daughter Katy’s dating Zane Clark. Can’t be ’cause the kid is a slacker; he’s hard at work at that very same library Abel’s forcing himself to use. Must be because of his home life, some aspect of which must be making Zane unworthy of his daughter. Wouldn’t it be convenient if the Library Board found a way to keep kids from spending too much time at the library, forcing them to, I dunno, study at home?

meta: Thanks @tdrewhardin for covering for me on Saturday’s post.

March 29, 2021

Congratulations, Debbie

…and we’re moving on.

We open on the lovely porticoed entrance to Milford’s Library where the Library Board is meeting. (The Library Board is comprised of the Library Board, get it? See, the Library Board can both refer to the board as an entity as well as the members of the board collectively. Panel one has a little fun with that. Isn’t that fun? C’mon folks, help me out. I’ve got nothing to work with here. Actually, this is less than nothing, but I digress.)

The Board has just concluded one piece of business (probably a resolution to torch all those little free libraries springing up all over town that are “very bad for business”) and our chair, Linda, is throwing open the floor for other business. Now look at Karen, seated next to Linda. She’s leaning forward because she’s about to launch into one of her frequent interruptions about Linda’s lax adherence to Robert’s Rules of Order and insist on a vote on something or other, but before she can get a word out…

Joe, who has been waiting through numerous boring agenda items that he clearly hasn’t been following, drops a bombshell on the Library Board. Debbie has been offered a great job in Denver…and they’re moving! So suck it, fools. Joe will miss working with the Board but he’s outta heeeeere (like Doug from when the strip was kinda sorta trying to be about sports).

August 1, 2020

In Which Phoebe Keener Taps Her Inner Horatio Caine

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(must… resist… urge… to… write… another… “Tom’s Diner”… song… parody…)

Maureen the waitress has become the Milford equivalent of Mayberry’s Sarah. How else does she have her finger on the pulse of Milford’s past, present and future jockocracy? Piecing this together the best I can, I’d conclude that:

1. Maureen knows Phoebe’s mom if not Phoebe

B. Phoebe told her mom that she was gonna be hanging with Corina, whose background Phoebe told her mom about as well

iii. Pheeb’s mom told Maureen about Corina’s background

d. Maureen knows True from way back

(5) Maureen called Pheebs’ mom with the deets re True’s needs

Besides slingin’ gossip, Maureen’s also slingin’ some substantial hash. Corina looks to have put on 20 pounds since the Valley Mod/Milford scrimmage cum picnic. Good thing she’s bulking up if she expects to catch True’s heater!*

Seriously, though: why couldn’t True have just asked Gil if Hiawatha James was available during one of their meet-ups at the MCC? Why couldn’t Maureen have told True of ‘watha’s whereabouts, she knows so damn much? This whole setup is weird, and Pheebs knows it. Y’all can’t tell me Whigham hadn’t been watching CSI: Miami before he drew today’s strip.

 

*What? Get your minds out of the gutter! Either True’s a true gentleman or we’ll find out more than we ever expected about statutory rape and the age of consent in the Valley.

March 23, 2020

Alexa? Alexa! Call Me!

Filed under: Brown Hair, huge earrings, Peering Over Eyeglasses, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 6:04 am

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There are lots of things that are driving us nuts these day, like for instance a global pandemic and all the mitigation strategies that will keep us severely confined. Some might say these conditions are the precise reason why we all need to chill the fuck out and not sweat the small stuff. But what about us in the comics blogging and commenting commenting community? Sweating the small stuff is what gives us a comfort and respite from the frightening realities of the real world. So in that spirit, let’s really sweat the small stuff!

First off, have we ever been given any indication of who has the lead in this valedictorian “competition”? I assume it’s mostly GPA driven.* It’s not that I’m asking this strip to detail whatever points system might be in place at MHS, it’s just that some character could actually say “Chris Schuring has a higher GPA” or whatever so that this meeting with the counselor could actually make sense and not just seem like just a cryptic hand touching and glasses lowering ceremony.

Based on today’s strip, I think we’re supposed to conclude that Chris Schuring has the lead and is offering to share the glory with Alexa Watson. This is the pretext for another confrontation even though the academic year is not over. If these two were so close in standing, you would think that the outcome would still be up in the air and our brown haired counselor even says as much! But let’s not let reason stand in the way of manufactured drama. Unless these two are going to toss social distancing to the wind and bone already!

Am I really “shipping” Alexa and Chris (Chralexa? Alexris)? Only for humor. Do I really think social distancing or any aspect of what’s happening in “the real world” will show up in Gil Thorp? No, it’s the 1950s with cell phones in Milford and they’re still concerned about the polio virus being spread in public pools.

*If I really strain hard, I can remember a little bit of drama in my high school about who would be valedictorian. I can’t remember who actually received the honor, but I do remember a handful of people who were in the running and a few of them were very Type A about it. There was even some mild shit talking which, even then, I found really annoying.  In that last semester of senior year, I was accepted into college and really wanted to get the fuck out of there.

October 23, 2019

A Shot of MYOB With a Cup of STFU Chaser

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Something tells me Chet Ballard strikes out with his wife on a regular basis. Probably why we haven’t seen any siblings for Charlie. Maybe he’ll get lucky at school.

I’m not sure if this unnamed school board lady is the same one Ballard went to when he wanted to make a test case out of Tiki Jansen (in which case her name is Carol), but for the sake of today’s post let’s assume she is. Carol’s seen enough of Chet’s crap to know this needs to be nipped in the bud. This being mid-October, however, it’s too early for Chet to let this go.

So who does Ballard turn to next? Marty Moon? He has been known to let Milfordians (Milfordites?) go on the air and put their feet in their mouths. Seeing as it’s his town, Marty might decide there’s only room for one bearded blowhard. That leaves Marjie Ducey, Gil himself, or a billboard outside Milford.

August 31, 2019

The Milford Playbook: Student Body Left

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Just when we think we’re getting a deeper dive into the blended Ballard/Roh family dynamic, quick cut to Marjie in Gil’s office getting the roster rundown she should’ve been getting last week when everyone was stuffing their face with sloppy joes. What’s up with Marjie’s manicure? Did she tell the nail technician to paint everything but her lunulae? And how many left elbows does she have such that she can line that notepad up directly under her right hand?

That Finn kid getting sick gave Gil enough time to think up witty repostes to divert attention from the fact his team’s gonna suck and he can’t coach them to play any better. Maybe the Mudlarks need a motivational speaker to come talk to them. One like “Teen Expert and Motivational Speaker” Gabe Salazar. After namedropping Salazar, Gil spouts doublespeak and practically dares Marjie to write anything negative. At least he doesn’t outright insult Marjie the way he did Marty; maybe those sloppy joes were insult enough.

Added new tag “Peering Over Eyeglasses” since that’s what everybody in the Thorpiverse who wears them does with them. It may take a while before we can retroactively tag every instance.

August 10, 2019

“She told them to look not at the facts, but at the meaning of the facts. Then she said the facts had no meaning.”

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“Ladies and gentlemen, members of the school board, my dad, we’ve just heard from Mr. Ballard a rather lurid description of a truly despicable young man.”

“I had to hand it to her. She tossed a lot of sand in their eyes. She talked about how I’d lost my place in the universe. How I was too ordinary to be the perpetrator of fraud the school board made me out to be, how there was some greater scheme at work that the school district had yet to unravel… She told them to look at me, look at me close. That the closer they looked, the less sense it would all make.”

“Look closely at him. This human, this barber. Oops – wrong Tiki.”

“That I wasn’t the kind of guy to game the system, that I was the safety, for Christ’s sake. I was just like them, an ordinary man. Guilty of living in a school district that had no place for me, yeah. Guilty of wanting to be a Mudlark, sure. But not of fraud.”

“But most specifically, this is a safety’s dilemma. For he is modern man.”

“She said I was modern man.”

“He is your reflection.”

“And if they voted to keep me out of Milford, they’d be practically cinching the noose around their own necks. She told them to look not at the facts, but at the meaning of the facts. And then she said the facts had no meaning.”

Here’s hoping Hadley V. does a better job representing Tiki than Freddy did representing Ed.

July 24, 2019

Are We Going There?

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Here I was thinking that the summer subplot was going to be “The Case of Hadley V. Baxendale’s Disappearing and Reappearing Mole*,” but I was wrong. It’s shaping up to be more along of the lines of “Lou Grant Ed V. Baxendale is a Racist But It Could Just Be the Wine Talking.” (There has been a lot of wine drinking in this arc, hasn’t there?). Race has been a relatively benign factor in the strip since I’ve been blogging here, unless you count Marty Moon’s attitude toward the Padillas winter before last.

Jaquan has been consistently portrayed as a fairly savvy guy, not lacking for brains as well as for talent. The less said about his flirtation with football, the better. He also had a fair grip on his future plans as far back as high school, for some of which he apparently has Hadley to thank until death do they part. If he’s been as good a pro hoopster as he’s been made out to be, then his financial worries should be relatively few for years to come. So what’s not to like?

It remains to be seen whether Rubin tackles this head-on or comes at it obliquely, the way he does so many other hot topics. For now, let’s just see how many dog whistles Ed blows over the rest of the summer.

*We do need the “peering over glasses” tag; I’ll try to add that if one of my fellow TWIMers doesn’t beat me to it.

METAPOST: How about it TWIM community? Please submit your suggestions for an eyeglasses tag in the comments below! Eyeglass Antics? Peering Over Peepers? -TimP

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