This Week in Milford

January 20, 2023

Falling further off the tracks

We switch from a non-Milford hoops contest to.. teens hanging out like they do in real life. I dunno, maybe Im selling todays kids short, but I must confess I didnt hang out like this when I was in high school. Most days after school I would get home, either by foot or by car, and after putting my books down in my room, I would head outside to shoot hoops in my driveway for a while, when my friend who lived 2 doors down came over we’d play one on one or shoot free throws, or otherwise I would head downstairs to the basement and play video games. Then maybe some TV shows either back upstairs in my room (I got a black and white TV for my confirmation in 7th grade, still remember watching Bucky Dents home run on it) or on the big TV in the basement after video games. Of course my friend would join me for the video games too, or we’d head over to his house to do similar stuff, or play chess or backgammon on the picnic table. Or Id go bike riding if it was nice out, and depending on the time of year, after dinner if it was still daylight I might do a little chipping in the front yard, using the lamppost in the middle of the lawn as my target, and going around the yard for various shot lengths etc. Or sometimes we’d do a little yardwork before dark or cut the grass if it needed it, although most grass cutting was done on Saturdays, like normal people did. I would generally do my homework after dinner, and quit in time for Monday Night Football or some other program I liked, (another show I really liked was Thats Incredible, which was on before MNF and I would stop my work to watch it, then go back to it if not finished, then catch what I could of the football game)

1 year me and dad joined a nearby gym and we got some weights at home and he would lift with me after he got home from work. I put on about 25 pounds in a year and decided to quit the weightlifting as it also entailed drinking this milkshake with bananas in it. No thanks. I just ate more instead. No more gyms after that year, save for a brief stint practicing for an indoor triathlon using the pool at another local gym.

So that was my after- high- school life. Plenty else to do besides what these characters are doing. I never smoked or did what these kids are doing, sitting on the ground against a building and getting offers to vape. Of course vaping is something new entirely and what I know about it, Im not interested. Sounds just as bad as smoking, although the flavors sound better.

Dont know why in P3 the 2 vape guys are walking away as theyre talking.. if its really free just let Sue have it if her hand is out.

Guess ol Henry has to show off his knowledge of vaping for us. Maybe tomorrow we’ll be back in Scottsdale for another golf lesson.

Finally, RIP David Crosby. I wasnt aware he started with the Byrds, and I believe if he stayed with them they’d be one of the alltime great bands instead of just another 60’s group with a funny name. He was an immense talent who made everyone around him better, and his incredible voice will be missed. Here’s a song performed 29 days after I was born:

…….And another on for good measure- he was so youthful you dont recognize him.

August 23, 2021

Correct. There Is No Story Here.

Filed under: Marjie Ducey, Peering Over Eyeglasses — nedryerson @ 3:25 am

Marjie’s hair has returned to it’s normal color, but the rest of this is another rehash. The Carter Hendricks affair was not a story but Heather Burns has good instincts and knows how to google stuff. Marjie’s free floating hand waves between her and her editor and she declares, “So let’s hire her.”

Cue the sad trombones. Somebody with actual experience turning bullshit into news has found their way to Milford and won the job. I think the body language of Marjie’s editor peering over his glasses says I do the hiring around here, honey, and don’t you need to be getting a a starting lineup dictated to you by Gil Thorp, hmmm?

I don’t know where this leaves us. Heather might consider the hospital PR job or do the sensible thing and broaden her job search to a geographical area broader than the area surrounding Milford. I’m sure something impressive will fall into her lap in the next week. She is Impressive Heather Burns after all!

May 28, 2021

Ya think that librarian should be history?

The level of realism in this strip keeps hitting new lows. Can you imagine a librarian asking a question like that?

The only conversation I ever had with librarians involved either checking out books, donating magazines and needing a slip for charity purposes, and the occasional question about finding something in the stacks. They never had the first word. I would be so shocked at such a question I would report her to the library board. Oh yeah, Zanes running for a seat. Then just tell her to MYOFB (mind your own fuckin business)

We then have another unexplainable chain of events. If Zane texted Katy before his convo with the librarian, why doesnt he know already if she will be joining him in the history section? ( goddammit why the hell is the librarian snooping around checking on just 2 people in 1 section? Do your own job lady!) And you (yeah you Zane) dont have to elaborate about her being mad at you. Just say “I prefer not to answer that thank you” So its just one uncomfortable moment after another today. Thanks Rubin. Nothing like kicking off your holiday weekend analyzing this pile of manure.

I think Mr. Brito has his fingers all over this, trying to scare Zane off the election ballot. He filled the librarian in on everything and she now subtlety is trying to scare him away from the library with her inane comments. You can fly solo all the way to the unemployment office Miss Librarian.

Nothing like the good guy in the strip getting treated like dirt.

May 18, 2021

P4: “Zane, I Meant Bulldog On The MOUND.”

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Peering Over Eyeglasses — tdrewhardin @ 11:55 am

Hoo boy. Just when we thought Zane was going to man up and show some grit for Coach Thorp and the rest of the Baseball Mudlarks, we are getting sidetracked once again to a contest nobody is going to win. Zane is turning into another Doug Guthrie; instead of doing something about his game, he is getting distracted by silly diversions that are just killing this plot. Not that the storyline hasn’t already perhaps been euthanized but we are truly shooting a dead horse.

Really, what is Zane going to do once he ever gets elected to the Library Board? And what’s the point? Is it really worth ditching your game temporarily, and in some cases permanently, just to show Butthead you can outcampaign him? A library card in every pot and an Amy Tan in every garage. Just make sure you keep your promises once they vote you in, Mr. Library Politician.

I remember watching the movie Power back in the ’80’s where Richard Gere plays a professiinal campaign adviser to all these candidates running for governor or senator in different states. At the beginning of the movie, this schmuck running for governor of New Mexico is chastised by Gere because this schmuck comes across like Droopy Dawg when talking about his agenda. Gere sets him straight. Get on a Nautilus program. Stand up straight. Get people to get the vote out. The schmuck balks but in the end realizes Gere is right.

The clincher is when Gere says that once you’re elected, you say WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY

Sure, Zane, go ahead and dump baseball and run for Library Board Trustee. But dump that hound dog image. We saw enough Elvis movies. And go back to The Bucket. That’s Mom and apple pie. Leave Ricozzi’s for Italia. And eat all the vegetables at Mrs. Burrito’s house, no matter how disproportionate they are. You have an image to protect. It might be a slight conflict-of-interest to eat dinner with your opponent but we can get Gere to say that you’re turning the other cheek vis-a-vis Mr. Butthead. No better way to express your willingness to talk with your enemy than to consume his fried cottage cheese which was served a few weeks ago. Problem solved.

Trying to understand medical certificates that must be updated and shown to the conservation officer when riding your horse in parks like the one across the street from me

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. To Appeal Fine To Milford Superior Court!!!!!!!!!!! Hearing Set In July!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Just becase my horse’s poop was purple don’t mean it contained malaria!!!!!!!! I don’t feed it Bucket Burgers!!!!!!!”

And this is just plain silly. As Vaganova has acutely pointed out, normally library board members are appointed but hey, if we’re going to play the game and humor Thorpiverse, let’s at least have a better showing than what’s in front of us. The fate of Milford Library is down to Mr. Butthead and some teenager who hasn’t upped his game in more ways than one? There aren’t other people with solid businesses or possess unblemished reputations that could AND SHOULD be on the ballot also? Did they vanish like Gil in mid-season and migrate to Canada? Did they disappear up that UFO that is supported by a single beam as in P1? I get it, they all went back with the rest of the Kanamits to get eaten by the Kanamits. And Zane and Butthead were lucky to escape and therefrom establish policy concerning the library. Whoever wins out will be served the finest forever and, of course, the winner’s agenda will be proclaimed throughout the aisles of Fiction and Non-fiction while the loser gets eaten with the other reputable Milford citizens. That’ll work.

And who’s Ms. Wampfler? Some fly-by-night library attendant who hasn’t better things to do than sit at the desk when she’s keeping track of who’s running? That’s a cinch job at this point. Unfortunately, when you think about it, THAT’S why Butthead is running. These cinch jobs with no responsibility that cost the taxpayers money is a target for ol’ Brito Butthead. Oh, but Teenage Butthead is here to save the day. Don’t worry, Ms. Wampfler, when I’m elected, I’ll not only secure your sentry post but I’ll make sure they order real cream for your coffee. This non-dairy creamer is for quiche-eaters and Mrs. Butthead’s dining table.

At Milford Campaign Headquarters

“Now Gil, if you’re running for coach, you have to portray a certain image. This time, when the runner’s rounding 3rd, don’t just fold your arms. That and the Everly Brothers hairdo gives you a bad name. Did you ever see Don Everly fold his arms when he’s singing ‘Cathy’s Clown’ on stage?”

And isn’t P2 just full of possiblities? None having to do with sports, mind you, but you gossipmongers will be in Hog Heaven at the rate we’re going. And what makes it interesting, yes, I’m going to bite the big one on this but I actually AGREE with Corinavirus. Plain and simple, Zane isn’t making the plays. And he isn’t.

But does he go back to his backyard and attack this with a vengeance? Throw through the tire 1000 more times until he pounds the zone? Ya really want me to answer that one? Don’t kill the messenger when you see Zane and Ms. Whopper talking politics and I am not referring to the Lincoln/Douglas Debates. Well, Zane, I hate to splash reality in your face but if Butthead eliminates all the back issues of Milford Hunting Monthly, yeah, it’d suck but YOU still haven’t improved your pitching and that is being left on hiatus while you seek to supposedly keep Milford Library safe for Democracy.

And then we get to the part where apparently Ms. Whopper knows SOMEBODY is running but doesn’t know who. Oops, I forgot to tell you, Homer Simpson is the lone candidate. I don’t know how he’s going to purge the deadwood in the library and still make Bowling Night or after working all that overtime at Springfield Nuclear as mandated by Mr. Burns but at this point he is primed to win the election.

Unless somebody stops him.

Boy, that’s real insider info that Ms. Whopper missed out on, Zane vs. Homer. That’ll hit the tabloids any day now. And are we going to consequently dig for MORE dirt as P2 seems to be hinting at? Yeah, I heard Homer say something about Butthead’s mother. And Butthead called Marge a hussy. Fighting words, Homer. You going to let him get away with that? And Butthead said Homer’s kids take a bath every other day when they aren’t flunking in school. Man, Ms. Whopper, looks like you caught up on the dirt without having to lift a shovel. That said, Ms. Whopper, you need to get out more.

“But you’re running my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to talk about what matters NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Mr. Butthead, I’ve been in this business a long time. The idea is to get elected. Once you’re sworn in, you get rid of as many Saturday Evening Posts as you like.”

And is this a fling that could happen between Zane and Ms. Whopper? Katy who? Man, this non-sports action is killing me. Where’s Roy Gillen when you need him?

P3 is interesting. Now say he is at the library at 8:00PM. With me so far? Now say, as he claims, it was 6 hours ago he was told by Corinavirus that he needed to quit being a wussy. Okay, do the math, that was 2:00 that afternoon at Ricozzi’s, Napoli’s version of The Bucket. But then, remember, Katy invited Diana and the rest of The Supremes to Ricozzi’s AFTER Milford beat Tilden, no thanks to Zane’s incessant wussiness. Say that was an hour before, or 1:00PM. Now as I recall when my nephew played varsity high school baseball games, teams played for seven innings or no new inning started after two hours. And I bet that’s roughly the rule in many states for high school baseball teams. That meant the game started at around 11:00AM? Okay, if it’s Saturday, I could understand the early start. HOWEVER, most libraries close at 5:00PM on the weekends.

So which is it, Thorpiverse? Ballplayers skip class to engage in Valley Conference action at mid-morning or is it a Saturday start and Ms. Whopper extends the hours because she’s lonely and wants to catch up on Butthead’s sex life so she has some to dirt to fling when she’s not restacking the nonfiction tomes? And free doughnuts are given to anyone who stays past 6:00PM on the weekend? Looks like you hit a logjam, T-Verse.

“Mr. Butthead, the polls show you will lose votes if you invite people over for dinner again.”

“But I like green bean stalks dipped in ranch dressing with olives bigger than Polyphemus’ eye!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Mr. Butthead, you won’t win a precinct with a menu the Neanderthals ate in the Pleistocene Era.”

And we get to the crux of the story, i.e., Zane is presumably going to run against Mr. Butthead. Gee, if only he was on a mission WITH HIS GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hmmmmmmm, did I say that a while back? I appreciate your trying to save the library from buttheads or Buttheads who feel the need to throw out the National Geographics with the bath water. Now would you mind trying to salvage your game or is this a reincarnation of Doug Guthrie? Not holding my breath.

Gang, but we know you’re always going to stay focused on the task at hand. It’s why you’re the tops.

April 6, 2021

Brito, Unfiltered

See Abel Brito.

See Abel Brito’s tiny body.

See Abel Brito’s tiny briefcase.

See Abel Brito’s tiny bolero jacket.

See Abel Brito’s huge ego.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Abel Brito?

We saw yesterday that Abel Brito is just a step or two behind the times when it comes to internet connectivity and the finer points of working remotely. Maybe even more than a step or two, since he feels the need to print out his work. Good thing Dr. Pearl with a dye job is there to tell him where the printer is. (What? You can’t tell me that’s not Dr. Pearl with a dye job! Things are tough all over, especially since the Milford School Board froze faculty and staff salaries a couple of years ago.) She didn’t tell him how much it costs to print; prolly 5 or 10 cents a copy but free for Milford Library Board members. He did hear there’s a vacancy on the Library Board, didn’t he?

Abel Brito might be a step or two behind the times when it comes to teenage relationships, too. He’s obviously not happy about his daughter Katy’s dating Zane Clark. Can’t be ’cause the kid is a slacker; he’s hard at work at that very same library Abel’s forcing himself to use. Must be because of his home life, some aspect of which must be making Zane unworthy of his daughter. Wouldn’t it be convenient if the Library Board found a way to keep kids from spending too much time at the library, forcing them to, I dunno, study at home?

meta: Thanks @tdrewhardin for covering for me on Saturday’s post.

March 29, 2021

Congratulations, Debbie

…and we’re moving on.

We open on the lovely porticoed entrance to Milford’s Library where the Library Board is meeting. (The Library Board is comprised of the Library Board, get it? See, the Library Board can both refer to the board as an entity as well as the members of the board collectively. Panel one has a little fun with that. Isn’t that fun? C’mon folks, help me out. I’ve got nothing to work with here. Actually, this is less than nothing, but I digress.)

The Board has just concluded one piece of business (probably a resolution to torch all those little free libraries springing up all over town that are “very bad for business”) and our chair, Linda, is throwing open the floor for other business. Now look at Karen, seated next to Linda. She’s leaning forward because she’s about to launch into one of her frequent interruptions about Linda’s lax adherence to Robert’s Rules of Order and insist on a vote on something or other, but before she can get a word out…

Joe, who has been waiting through numerous boring agenda items that he clearly hasn’t been following, drops a bombshell on the Library Board. Debbie has been offered a great job in Denver…and they’re moving! So suck it, fools. Joe will miss working with the Board but he’s outta heeeeere (like Doug from when the strip was kinda sorta trying to be about sports).

August 1, 2020

In Which Phoebe Keener Taps Her Inner Horatio Caine

gt08012020

(must… resist… urge… to… write… another… “Tom’s Diner”… song… parody…)

Maureen the waitress has become the Milford equivalent of Mayberry’s Sarah. How else does she have her finger on the pulse of Milford’s past, present and future jockocracy? Piecing this together the best I can, I’d conclude that:

1. Maureen knows Phoebe’s mom if not Phoebe

B. Phoebe told her mom that she was gonna be hanging with Corina, whose background Phoebe told her mom about as well

iii. Pheeb’s mom told Maureen about Corina’s background

d. Maureen knows True from way back

(5) Maureen called Pheebs’ mom with the deets re True’s needs

Besides slingin’ gossip, Maureen’s also slingin’ some substantial hash. Corina looks to have put on 20 pounds since the Valley Mod/Milford scrimmage cum picnic. Good thing she’s bulking up if she expects to catch True’s heater!*

Seriously, though: why couldn’t True have just asked Gil if Hiawatha James was available during one of their meet-ups at the MCC? Why couldn’t Maureen have told True of ‘watha’s whereabouts, she knows so damn much? This whole setup is weird, and Pheebs knows it. Y’all can’t tell me Whigham hadn’t been watching CSI: Miami before he drew today’s strip.

 

*What? Get your minds out of the gutter! Either True’s a true gentleman or we’ll find out more than we ever expected about statutory rape and the age of consent in the Valley.

March 23, 2020

Alexa? Alexa! Call Me!

Filed under: Brown Hair, huge earrings, Peering Over Eyeglasses, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 6:04 am

03232020

There are lots of things that are driving us nuts these day, like for instance a global pandemic and all the mitigation strategies that will keep us severely confined. Some might say these conditions are the precise reason why we all need to chill the fuck out and not sweat the small stuff. But what about us in the comics blogging and commenting commenting community? Sweating the small stuff is what gives us a comfort and respite from the frightening realities of the real world. So in that spirit, let’s really sweat the small stuff!

First off, have we ever been given any indication of who has the lead in this valedictorian “competition”? I assume it’s mostly GPA driven.* It’s not that I’m asking this strip to detail whatever points system might be in place at MHS, it’s just that some character could actually say “Chris Schuring has a higher GPA” or whatever so that this meeting with the counselor could actually make sense and not just seem like just a cryptic hand touching and glasses lowering ceremony.

Based on today’s strip, I think we’re supposed to conclude that Chris Schuring has the lead and is offering to share the glory with Alexa Watson. This is the pretext for another confrontation even though the academic year is not over. If these two were so close in standing, you would think that the outcome would still be up in the air and our brown haired counselor even says as much! But let’s not let reason stand in the way of manufactured drama. Unless these two are going to toss social distancing to the wind and bone already!

Am I really “shipping” Alexa and Chris (Chralexa? Alexris)? Only for humor. Do I really think social distancing or any aspect of what’s happening in “the real world” will show up in Gil Thorp? No, it’s the 1950s with cell phones in Milford and they’re still concerned about the polio virus being spread in public pools.

*If I really strain hard, I can remember a little bit of drama in my high school about who would be valedictorian. I can’t remember who actually received the honor, but I do remember a handful of people who were in the running and a few of them were very Type A about it. There was even some mild shit talking which, even then, I found really annoying.  In that last semester of senior year, I was accepted into college and really wanted to get the fuck out of there.

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