This Week in Milford

March 24, 2020

“If You’ll Throw In The Shadow People Singing ‘Pomp And Circumstance’ A Cappella, You Got A Deal”

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In the halls and in the gym

Everywhere

Cafeteria and rooms so dim

God, I swear

Always grace the scene on a whim

The silhouettes, I declare

 

They sit and stare

They

Sit

And

Stare

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Come to bear

 

We should have known better than to assume that Thorpiverse was going to wrap this up any time soon. Like, what was Mrs. Brown Haired Counselor going to do, shoot Alexa cold dead with a Magnum and award Valedictorian to Chris by default? Gotta hand it to Thorpiverse. Cut that Gordian Knot and get baseball started sometime this week. Wouldn’t put it past Thorpiverse, but no, odds are this’ll get dragged out to The Bitter End. Being a Husker Du fan, they had a CD called The Living End. Both concepts have one song in common. It’s Not Funny Anymore. Put the gun away, ma’am, and let us continue to our exercise in boredom.

You would assume that Gil is getting the field ready for baseball, ditto Mimi in softball. I’d hate to know Gil is under the desk eavesdropping and making sure things are kosher. Wouldn’t want another Teddy incident. If you want to report to Dr. File Cabinet Instead of a Grandfather Clock in her Living Room Pearl that there is no need to flunk out and suspend an honor student for academic dirty pool, you gotta lay low behind the hydrangea plant and ensure academia is on the level. No more hot SAT booklets sold over the border for drugs and cash. Milford High School has an image to protect.

And once this scenario FINALLY lays to rest, there’ll be Gil at the ball park with his Milford jacket and cap on. Like he’s been sitting in the dugout for days, waiting for the cameras to roll. Then he’ll recite all the players he has coming back. Thank God this strip is alloted 3 panels. We’d be subjected to a listing of the players strengths and weakness, plus who can line the field when he isn’t pitching on a piece of paper he obtained from a Snickers wrapper that was in the trash can that Luhm failed to dump thoroughly. Mimi does the same thing but she usually buys steno pads to bore us to tears.

We still have to get through Chris and Alexa and based upon the streak that seems to be an omen, baseball or softball won’t start tomorrow. They still have to discuss why that streak always shows up whenever there’s controversy in academics. Never in athletics. When did you EVER see that streak on the gridiron or the basketball court or the badminton arena? 10-team Mudlark Wrestling All-Comers Classic? Nope, the streak won’t appear on the mat.

So we patiently wait for Chris or Alexa to pull the Windex out of his or her pocket while poring over the small stuff relating to academics. All in good time. I hope Gil’s cap doesn’t get wet. You know about this fickle weather in March. Hell on a guy sleeping in the dugout.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Chris Pops The Question In High School Cafeteria!!!!!!!! Sketches Proposal With Bowie Knife On Picnic Table!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J. : ‘This ceremony is happening over my dead body.”

 

“Really, I suggested killing the plot a month ago. Nobody told you?”

 

They dress like The Blob or Siamese Twins

Black as gold

Threaten to eat all and next of kin

They’re so bold

Mimi and Gil better take a spin

Silhouettes never grow old

 

That’s what I’m told

That’s

What

I’m

Told

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Never grow old

 

Oh great. We COULD be stumbling into baseball or softball, depending which one drones on the best for, oh, 4 months, but NOOOOOOO we have to get sidetracked by The Lake House. Yeah, like Keanu Reeves, we’re about 2 years behind on things. Chris ought to be getting the grade he received on his Advanced Chem final from Harvard any day. And Alexa will get the MVP Award after leading UConn to the National Championship in Women’s Basketball. The trophy ought to be delivered to her house by Milford UPS right on schedule. I understand Coach Auriemma mailed her a letter begging her to stay another year. Good forwards are hard to come by. And to think, all this backward history can be traced (pardon the ignoble pun) to Mimi teaching her that grades are like points, nobody’s going to give you free cars or $100 handshakes if neither one is very high. And that’s assuming you’ll even get a scholarship.

 

“…this is the way it should be for lovers

They shouldn’t go it alone, oh no…”

Then with Chris delivering about the lamest confession in quite some time, going by Thorpiverse years, is that Paul McCartney’s “This Never Happened Before” playing over the cafeteria speakers? I’ll know for sure when I see two or more cafeteria ladies start to slow-dance with each other and get all kissy-faced. The Lake House had that effect. We presume this is NOT going to happen between Chris and Alexa. Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are simply going to negotiate co-Valedictorian terms and leave The Lake House for Marty and Peaches. They put their deposit in 2 years ago, Chris and Alexa better wrap this up.

“Ohhhh, Melba (kiss, kiss) I’m so sorry for saying you stack the Hostess Twinkies on the rack (kiss, kiss) like dirty Holiday Inn towels…”

“And Rayette, I’m sorry (kiss, kiss) if I told you you cook the pork fritters (kiss, kiss) in a bowl of Pennzoil…”

THIS NEVER HAPPENED BEFFFFOOOOORRRREEEE

 

If yore waitin’ for yore high-powered Winschester with sights that could knock a bobby pin offa Gil’s hair that ya ordered 2 years ago frum Milford Guns and Ammo cuz they didn’t have it in stock and yore still waitin’ another 6 months for the plot and the bullets to come ’round so yuz kin do some huntin’ in tha woods behind Gil’s Pure Pork Sausage plant, ya might be a redneck.

 

“…and now I seeeee

This is the way it’s supposed to be…”

 

“Whhheeewwweeee, it’s getting cold. This aluminum bench is Hell to sleep on. Better get another jacket out of the trunk. I hope Mimi stuck that leftover On-Cor Boneless Grilled Steaks in the oven when I come home tomorrow morning. War is Hell.”

 

“…so come to me

Now we can be what we want to be…”

This Paul McCartney Romantic Moment is brought to you the new movie “Bill Nye The Science Guy: Teaching The Periodic Table in Milford High Freshman Chemistry.” What could have been a magical moment and had been the second coming of Keanu and Sandra and thereby salvaged a lackluster basketball season plunged in the salvage itself.

We are forced to whip out our calculators and watch romance morph into a trig table. Not that I, or anyone else for that matter, was really expecting Chris and Alexa to kissy-face like the cafeteria ladies, er, Keanu and Sandra. If it WERE to occur, Keanu and Sandra would have to detour to MIT.

“And if you use standard deviation, you’ll find my love for you isn’t wavering all that much. It was never in Ms. Rizk’s typewriter having no life…”

“Oh, Keanu, the fact that we are just points from each other, well, like Springsteen

“Two hearts are better than one

Two hearts, girl, get the job done”

“Atta way to use the FOIL method on our relationship, Sandra. We’ll be trinomials by the time baseball gets around. We’ll have little polynomials running around The Lake House”

“The stork ought to be delivering our polynomials anytime. Remember that time when we learning natural logs together two years ago?”

 

The scriptwriter for The Lake House that graduated from Rose-Hulman got fired. He’s now writing Trigonometry Today textbooks for the Valley Conference High Schools.

 

Lumped like coal and having no name

Anonymous

Walking in stride, the gait’s the same

Synchronous

Makes a tarantula look tame

In the woods, they’d be wild game

Seeking to maim

 

Seeking

To

Maim

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

They all look the same

 

ALL

LOOK

THE

SAME

 

And under the category of Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, that thing on the wall in the cafeteria in P3 can simply be nothing other than a heating unit. We gotta keep The Blob alive somehow. Keep that damn thing under a heat lamp if you want it to terrorize the city of Milford when the dismissal bell rings. DON’T leave it out in the dugout with Gil waiting for the baseball plot to start. The Blob could turn into The Flop by the time we get to Memorial Day.

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Karen Ferguson-Dayes, the Women’s Soccer Coach for University of Louisville. She was a multiple All-All-American for University of Connecticut back in the early ’90’s as a sweeper and a midfielder. She eventually wound up in the current position just mentioned. Her no-nonsense style has enabled the Cardinals to participate in several NCAA post-season runs, and some deep runs at that. I remember when a reporter asked how she was going to prepare for a major opponent and she, knowing there was ANOTHER opponent to play before that, reminded the reporter “Excuse me, we play THIS team FIRST!!!!!!” Don’t overlook ANY opponent. Spoken like a true coach. Then, one night, playing a team that was employing dirty tactics, she still insisted that her team still stick with the Game Plan. How you play the game, win, lose, or draw. Starting out 1-18, her 182-162 record at Louisville speaks for itself. Join me in saluting a person who keeps competing and has won that way, on and off the field.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Marty Moon if finds his manhood under the bunk bed at Mudlark Lake Resort while Peaches heads to the fridge for a Yoplait after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

At The Lake House

“…I met you and now I see

This is the way it should be…”

 

“Ohhhhhh, that is so romantic. The Beatles sure know how to get a girl going. They don’t make ’em like they used to.”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Go away, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!!!!”

“But Honey, weren’t we going for a midnight swim? I’m kinda horny and I’d LOVE for you to do a cannonball on meeeeeee!!!!!!!”

“I called Keanu Reeves and he said there’s still sharks swimming around when he was rentin’ it. I ain’t gonna have my Significant Other bitten off by Jaws.”

“Darling, it’s a freshwater lake.”

“Bloopie, bloopie, it’s got all kind of algae in it. That causes my Significant Other to attract scum. I don’t want to go skinny-dipping with a green weenie. What would the neighbors think? Plus, it breeds that Coronavirus they’re talking about in the news. The boogeyman or the Algae from Hell won’t come in here. I got the bathroom dead-bolted.”

Heard somewhere from the septic tank outside

“…So jump on me

This is the way love’s supposed to be…”

“Honey, you can’t quarantine yourself just because pond scum breeds a little out of control. You can jump on me out in the middle of the lake. We’ll have life preservers and you can jump off the raft and take on me.”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!! I microwaved my toothbrush and made sure I spit out thoroughly when I spit out my Colgate. That Coronavirus will go down the drain faster than stink beating the virus on shit.”

“How are you going to eat?”

“I bought a lot of Rice-a-Roni and stuck it under the bathroom sink. I can use the sink to boil water. I’ll have the 4-Cheese Rice-a-Roni tonight. No Coronavirus will get past these doors and land on my bill of fare.”

“If you can’t land on me because Coronavirus has landed on your Significant Other, let me know.”

 

“She had me there. And we were paying good money to rent out The Lake House and not doing any more than Captain Kangaroo would do with Mr. Moose. With treatment programs that work, don’t YOU want to hear Paul McCartney in the background while gettin’ it on in the lake? No wonder why they call it The Lake House. House of Fun to me. Come down to the Milford Men’s Clinic and jump on in, the water’s fine.”

 

Get after it, Gang. You are the world to me. Just be careful, The Blob was last seen in your neck of the woods.

 

“…this is the way it should be for lovers

They shouldn’t go it alone, oh no…”

 

Gil entering Dr. Pearl’s office

 

“I just received Schuring’s 4th-grade test scores and there was no indication of foul play, he’s good for Stanford and-er, what are you doing hugging your coat rack?”

 

“…It’s not so good when you’re on your own

(Kissy, Kissy, Kissy)

So come to me…”

 

“And Harrieta, I’m sorry if I said you mop with Pine-Sol and Tequila Sunrise.”

 

March 17, 2020

It’s As Plain As The Stubs On Your Face.

Filed under: Dr. Pearl, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 5:38 am

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We FINALLY get to the end of this kangaroo court even though P3 is leaving an opening wide enough for a Mack truck to drag us down another 8 weeks before we get to baseball. We THINK Gil is talking about suspending Teddy but anybody who’s been tailing this more than Friday and Gannon know not to hold your breath. Even with legitimate witnesses and an investigation that should have never been an investigation, there’s evidence to suggest Gil might be talking about Chris. We won’t know until tomorrow and it’s a crock anyway you choose it. As Yogi Berra once said, if you see a fork in the road, take it. I just don’t want the fork. Especially when, after being promised a filet mignon, I am forced to use that fork on a Banquet TV Dinner. Frozen meat loaf with pocket-sized mashed potatoes and a brownie that’s an art exhibit after taking it out of the microwave, no thank you. I’ll take my plastic fork and try to pry some of the blackheads off Teddy’s face.

Gil, before we go any further, I have a piece of sandpaper that I obtained out of Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet that ought to remove those stains that Teddy is afflicted with. I figure that as long as removing the stains you COULDN’T see, i.e., Teddy’s snaky ethics and dirtball intentions, was not high on your priority list that we might as well clean up SOMETHING. You couldn’t wipe up Teddy’s slime with a Bounty towel. No quick picker-upper When Teddy Met Chrissy.

And what’s this “Prove it”? We are required by law to look under Dr. Pearl’s desk and in her purse and in her wig for documentation, comb the Milford Public Library and ask everybody from the Milford Public Library CEO to the Milford Public Library Board of Directors to the Milford Public Library Director of Annual Giving, The Milford Public Library Lead Book Stacker in charge of Western Fiction, the Milford Public Library Union Steward (safer working conditions, no lifting of Mad Magazine boxes heavier than 70 lbs., coffee breaks with donuts and free Elmore Leonard reading materials after working 4 hours) , on down to the sanitation engineer (gotta keep the Ellery Queen Magazine stacks sterile) , consult with the students from Alexa and Phoebe to Greg and Peter and Bobby and Marcia and Jan and Cindy, throw in Beaver and Lumpy and Dobie Gillis and Maynard P. Krebs to ask if they noted any foul play (the PSAT test taker sitting next to you has sometimes wound up in a plastic bag in a ditch behind the school) ,call (collect) the SAT Review Board, the PSAT Testing Committee, the LSAT Steering Committee (as in “if you want this plot to drag on another month, form a committee”) , the AP Calculus II Test Booklet District Manager, and the Proctor in Charge of Distribution of #2 Pencils at the Milford High School Gymnasium for test scores to solidify evidence that Chris could perform quadratic equations without using multiplication tables, all to ensure that Chris, an Honor student with no history and plenty of the future ahead of him, is on the the level and when we FINALLY see light at the end of the tunnel, a tunnel we should have never taken, we have to backtrack that same tunnel while using Habeas Corpus on behalf of Teddy? Gil and Dr. Pearl, THIS IS SCHOOL. Anybody who disrupts the educational process, SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN DOCUMENTED SIGNIFICANTLY IN TEDDY’S CASE deserves to be due-processed. What’s next, he’s entitled to one phone call and a free meal from the Milford Salvation Army kitchen? A trip to the mall so we can pick out his prison outfit? He wears an extra large and throw in a razor. That actually has blades. Call Perry Mason. He’s been known to acquit the impossible.

Because I don’t really know why ANYBODY would lick a toilet to prove a point about coronavirus

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Teddy DeMarco Arraigned In Court After Incident In Dr. Pearl’s Personal Water Closet!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“She wears the nastiest dentures. Still had Snickers stains on them. They looked tacky on top of her Ban Roll-On.”

 

Dr. Pearl, do you always bury your head in the file cabinet? I mean, Gang, when was the last time you EVER caught her at a sporting event? She’s like Ms. Rizk, perpetually glued to her room. There were eyewitness reports that she was seen throwing out the first pitch when Joe Tinker, Johnny Evers, and Frank Chance were playing for the Cubs. Beat the Pirates in a rout. She declined cutting the ribbon when they opened up Fenway. I couldn’t imagine her eating popcorn and downin’ a Bud by the Green Monster anyway. At least Granny Clampett stepped out of the swamp to move to Beverly Hills. Dr. Pearl, I hope that’s not cow manure you’re stepping on when you’re filing away the Sophomore PE Final Bell Curve Report 1984.

“Dr. Pearl, I have a lug wrench in my trunk. Your head ought to be out of the second shelf in no time.”

“No, that’s okay, Gil. Sometimes my bee hive gets caught on the shelf tracking when I’m storing Junior Class Betting Forms. There’s a screw loose under the shelf above it. One flick of the wrist with the bobby pin and I’m free as a bird.”

“Sure you don’t want Barr’s Leeks to pry you loose?”

“No, it’ll mess up the coloring in my hair and I have a Valley Conference Administrator’s Summit tonight at 8.”

 

If ya file away yore marriage licence of all the in-laws ya done got hitched to, even the ones ya pur-formed without the services of a shotgun, ya might be a redneck.

 

And what do you mean GRIND? Like that came as a surprise? Gil, once you and Dr. Pearl extricate your heads from the sink in Dr. Pearl’s WC, you’ll find out that Chris studies and works hard and minds his own business. Unlike Teddy who’s a total jerk and already has a history on him. Dr. Pearl, I’m surprised you didn’t locate his record as long as your head’s been implanted between Teacher Evaluation Reports and Yearly School Bus Schedule. You and Gil ought to try Liquid Plumber. The stuff does wonders.

BTW, can I pluck one of your Hershey Bars off the wall? All this castigating worked up an appetite.

 

Coach Kaz enters Dr. Pearl’s hole after a Geography Teacher Enrichment Seminar at Westview High (“How do you get Funky Winkerbean to memorize the county seats of Rhode Island? Well, B. F. Skinner conducted a study…”) , home of the Fightin’ Scapegoats

“Dr. Pearl, watcha grillin’? Jalapeno Hamburgers? Pork rinds? London broil? Roundhouse steak? Gil Thorp Pure Pork Italian Sausage? Did you remember to marinade the burgers with A-1? It’s got a little Jack in the bottle but-”

“Oh, that streak in the window?”

 

But I think a suspension is in order. (Banging head) Oh, I forgot to tell you, Gang, I was talking about the plot. I forgot we’re flipping a coin between Teddy and Chris.

While Luhm is implementing a crowbar to un-jackknife Dr. Pearl’s from the left-hand drawer at her desk

“Okay, Dr. Pearl, heads it’s Chris, tails it’s Teddy. Call it.”

“Heads.”

Coin rolls along the floor, bumping into Dr. Pearl’s pump and falling flat. Luhm makes the call

“Heads. Chris gets In-School for book-grinding for 2 weeks.”

“Uh, how’ bout 2 out of 3, Dr. Pearl?”

 

I think you get the message, Gang. Now to see who wins the coin flip tomorrow.

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Dionne Warwick. I just melt when I hear her music. A six-time Grammy winner including hits like “Do You Know The Way to San Jose?” and “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”, she was able to perform and still raise her kids. The minute the show was done, she caught the red-eye flight home to be with her family. And she has two sons heavily involved in the music industry to show for it. Many people don’t know that her real last name is “Warrick”. A printing error while records were on the assembly line prompted her to keep the new name as she felt it was catchy. No argument here. A giving person, she was nominated for Goodwill Ambassador for the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations. She is well-respected by her colleagues, including The Beatles and Elton John. Please join me in saluting a woman who’s one of the greatest female vocalists of all time.

 

“We’ll be back to see which gets yanked out first, the dead oak tree stump on the Milford Public Library grounds or Dr. Pearl’s head in the water cooler at the faculty lounge at Milford High School on Milford Believe it or Not! Museum Hour after these messages. This is WDIG-TV”

 

“That could take some doing. A Drott hydraulic-powered bulldozer operating on all cylinders to rescue a damsel in distress from the water cooler kept me on the edge of my recliner. But I always liked a good mystery.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Here’s a deal you can pull out of the ground anytime and you don’t need to go the dentist to get it pulled. The good people at Milford Plumbing Solutions felt that the promotion with the toilets and booze combo went over so well that they are extending the promotion from now until the end of April. You still have time to replace that jalopy that won’t send the shit through the pipes faster than to your liking. And we’re talking top-of-the-line equipment. No commodes on consignment here.

Want the Broyhill Royal Flush Supreme? Man, I’m amazed at the low water consumption on this bad boy. How I could piss me a river and the fluid still remain clear on just a glass of water just flat-out boggled my mind. And the good news is, you can have this latest in pissing state-of-the-art technology for what you would write a check on your kids’ School Lunch at Milford Elementary plus two cases of Coors 24-Pak in the 12 ounce cans. Oh boy, if I can save a buck while taking a dump, I’ll head to the Mountain every time.

How ’bout the Ethan Allen ’76er Colonial Special? Doncha just want to take your mind off things in the same potty our Forefathers dumped in? And because it’s guaranteed clog-free, George Washington was Father of our Country in part because he never had to use a toilet plunger. For a Ben Franklin and a purchase of Maker’s Mark Whisky 1.75 L, you can sit and read Popular Mechanics on a throne Thomas Jefferson sat on. Makes me want to write an amendment to the Declaration of Independence.

Does the toilet seat have a mind of its own? Do you feel like a crocodile is snapping at you every time you encounter diarrhea and you make one too many trips to the Nile? No problemo. American Standard Premium Toilet uses a computer-based system for that slow close on that seat every time. And The Warehouse won’t charge you an arm or a leg. Just a swipe of your Milford Teachers Federal Credit Union credit card and a grocery cart full of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc Lo-Cal will have the delivery driver from Milford Plumbing Solutions installing your new-found toy faster than you can say “Don’t get the runs from Rice Chex”.

But don’t let my butt be the judge. Come see for yourself how The Good Life and toilets are not only not strange bedfellows but solid partners in keeping customers satisfied and constipation-free. Get your own butt down here and sit on these deals and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, thank you for your continued support. You mean the world to me.

Damn, Teddy, you ARE in front of a camera. At least use a dish towel.

 

“Do you have an open-end socket wrench?”

“3/8th or 7/16th?”

“Don’t matter. Long as I can turn so that it don’t strip the T-bolt, I’m good.”

“Probably gonna need a ball peen hammer. I got in my tool box in my truck. Don’t worry, Dr. Pearl, we’ll getcha loose from that cactus plant before your bridge tournament.”

March 16, 2020

Popeye Thorp

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Pantheon of Hair, Pissy faced Gil — nedryerson @ 8:59 am

03162020

Well, here’s a novel idea: Find out how Chris Schuring did on the test. It turns out he aced it. Why Gil never bothered to ask Mr. Rollins how Chris did initially, we’ll never know.

The whole “investigation” is farcical. It’s also dizzying watching Gil bounce around the school, visiting and revisiting the same people, only finally concluding after a week that Teddy’s story stinks. This proves once and for all that Gil has no official responsibilities outside coaching at Milford High. I guess Dr. Pearl figures if he’s just wandering the hall chitchatting all day, she might as well give him something else to do…and take his time because nobody really cares and everyone in the school knows that Teddy is a douche.

Okay Teddy, the jig is up. What do you have to say for yourself? You ever been to Poughkeepsie? If need be, Gil is prepared to whack you upside the head with a phonebook.

March 14, 2020

“Mimi and I washed our hands. Here, Alexa, smell ’em.”

gt03142020

Well, rob went there yesterday. I was beginning to wonder how long we at TWIM could go without making mention of the current global crisis, one that could end up making the crisis that gave us the Padillas story arc a couple of seasons ago look relatively minor in comparison.

As I write a good many of us may be working from home, either by choice or by force. Some of us may already have been working from home, but travel restrictions may be keeping us from visiting our clients or customers. Rob works for the USPS, so I doubt working from home is an option for him. (Be careful out there, rob.) Some of us may see our work cut back or lost entirely. Too soon to tell.

Less than a month ago I was planning on playing hooky taking the day off from work and going into DC to see something no one has seen in ninety-five years: a major league baseball team that calls Washington home raise a world championship banner. Then the Nats announced they wouldn’t be selling single game tickets for Opening Day, that the tix would only be available as part of a season ticket plan or partial plan. (Ah yes, the sweet smell of success.) Okay, whatevs, I’ll hit StubHub. It might be another ninety-five years before it happens again.

In the words of Gilda Radner’s Emily Litella, “Never mind.” MLB cancelled the rest of spring training and postponed the start of the season by at least two weeks. The NBA, NHL, MLS, and Premier League have suspended their seasons; the XFL (look it up) canceled its season outright. The Masters, PGA and LPGA tours, and most motorsports events have been postponed. The NCAA has cancelled all remaining winter and spring sports championships; any March Madness we see will not be on a basketball court.

Where I live the schools have been closed for at least the next two weeks. The SATs scheduled for today have been postponed. High school sports have been cancelled for the remainder of the academic year, including the basketball playoffs. I guess it’s a good thing Rubin and Whigham have helped prepare us for our immediate sports-free future by turning away from sports to a few weeks of he-said, she-said about academic cheating.

Just wait until the spring story arcs start in a week or two. They’ll make the Thorpiverse look even more like a fantasy land than it already does. Stay safe, TWIMers.

Update (5:25pm EDT): In all the gloom and doom I forgot to wish you all a happy Pi Day. I took time out of my day to bake a pie – an old school Florida favorite, sour orange pie. Here’s a pic so that you may enjoy vicariously. My meringue styling skills could be better.

orangepie

March 3, 2020

“Hey, Funnie!!!!! I Got Some Crib Notes On The SAT For Sale!!!!!”

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This is the city, Milford USA. It has its good points and its bad points. But I was born and raised here. I call it home.

Milford is like any other city. Good roads. Good schools. Fair tax system. And The Bucket is better than a Big Mac and tater tots any day of the week. And I can handle any rogue who tries to slip a BLT in his overalls because the Milford Soup Kitchen ran short on Campbell’s Chunky. But when a punk attempts to traffick illicit and illegal test items, that gutless coward filled in one too many blanks on the essay section with his #2 pencil. That’s when I go to work. My name’s Friday. I carry a badge.

It was rainy in Milford. The WDIG-TV weatherman called for hail the size of Mudlark practice balls later in the afternoon. But my partner, Bill Gannon, and I had a hailstorm and you couldn’t come of the rain on this one.

We were assigned to the Unlawful and Wrongful Distribution of Examinations and Quiz Substances Unit of the Milford Police Department. The boss is Captain Keener. We were advised to be on the lookout for vehicles peddling illegal SAT’s and other stolen test merchandise. The contraband could be in an Econoline van or a Roadway semi. Anything to throw off the trail.

“Gentlemen, we have a hot one and I’m tired of getting the once-over from the Mayor. So the sooner we can wrap this package and get it under the tree for Christmas, the better. But don’t be stupid. Don’t get your chest blown in two over an LSAT. And you can’t open the Milford Bed and Bath delivery truck without a warrant.”

“We understand. Are there any leads?”

“A couple. An anonymous tipster called and said he saw a Roehl Trucking piggy-back pull at the entrance to Milford High School gym. Said they were using dollies up and down the ramp. We put two and two together and figured you couldn’t fit slaughterballs on dollies. But the guy riding shotgun had one of his own so the tipster couldn’t get closer.”

“We have our Sig Sauers in our wallet. We’ll fire when necessary, Chief.”

“Hopefully it won’t come to that. I don’t want to lose you both over a sting operation gone awry.”

“Don’t worry. If Friday and I can handle John Dillinger without firing a shot, we can handle vermin who shot the proctor so they could improve their score on the Verbal section.”

Somber music as Friday and Gannon methodically leave Keener’s office

 

Come to Iroquois Gardens Apartments and check out the deals at hand. Melody Bland and Melissa Frye always have a friendly face and can show you the best rooms around. I know. I love the comfort and convenience, not to mention the atmosphere of my abode. Factor in a microwave, refrigerator, excellent Central Air and other amenities along with great closet space and places to store my cooking items (LOVE to cook) and I have a winner of a situation. And it’s a perfect setting for doing this blog. Come see what I mean at Iroquois Gardens Apartments on New Cut Road in South Louisville, just across the street from Iroquois Park. You’ll be glad you did.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everyone knows your name.

 

This is purely inane. What in the name of Nickelodeon is “Doug” doing on here???? Thorpiverse, if you’re going to drag bad guys out of the script heap, will you at least tell Roger M. Klotz that if he’s going to be trafficking test papers in the hallway to at least SHAVE? It’s bad enough that we have sunk to juvenile proportions just to sell a comic strip.

“Hey, Alexa, here’s some inside info on the Math portion of the SAT. It has all the trig ratios. And Funnie is still struggling with Corresponding Parts of Congruent Triangles are Congruent. You oughta knock him cold if you remember that cosine is the ADJACENT side divided by the hypotenuse. The difference between Milford Community College and Harvard.”

“No thank you, I don’t cheat. Where’d you get those Cliff’s Notes? Surely not the same location as your Trac II.”

“Naw, I stuck all my razors in Funnie’s locker. And told Mr. Bone that Doug Funnie stole them out of his desk when he was going to The Bucket to have lunch with Gil.”

“It shows.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Injures Back At Milford Lounge During Karaoke Hour!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Was trying to duckwalk while playing ‘Maybelline’ on his banjo.”

 

10:14AM-It was windy in Milford. My partner, Bill Gannon, passed some gas and thankfully the zephyr blew most of the stench away. I told him to lay off the sausage biscuits off the Dollar Menu at the Drive-Thru at McDonald’s.

But the test operations ring was getting even stinkier. The good news was that one of the cafeteria ladies called and reported a suspicious pickup truck unloading milk crates at the entrance in the back of the cafeteria. Normally Milford Dairies appears in their Kenworth. It was time to investigate.

We talked with Constance Snakely, the head of the cafeteria, about the incident. Needless to say, the discussion wasn’t about overripe meat loaf on the school lunch menu.

“Awwwwwrrrigghtt, Mrs. Snakely. I could book you on a Section 347, “Manufacturing of Unlawful Condiments with Intent to Damage the Well-Being of the Academic Circles and its Constituents”, but the Milford Minimum Security Facility is overcrowded and I lost the key. But you better have the Twinkie rack in order on this one.”

“It’s that we had to utilize a Dodge Ram to bring in shipments of dairy products. But I am by the book on deliveries. Nothing escapes my eye. What would I do with a Barron’s Guide to the SAT? Store it in the cooler with the 2%?”

“Ma’am, my partner Friday is only doing his job. We have to ensure nothing is fishy. If a #2 pencil is found under a package of Sargento’s Sharp Cheddar, we could all wind up in the hoosegow. Just following procedure.”

“I understand. I hope you catch the crumbum who’s messing with my deliveries. I run a clean operation, you know. Kids and Minute Maid go together like Gil and Mimi.”

“You better pray Gil and Mimi aren’t discovered with a Ford Explorer with cottage cheese and Cliff’s Notes on Precal.”

Somber music as Friday and Gannon grab a bowl of chipped Jell-O and leave.

 

And why the heck is Jiffy Pop Head still following Roger Loser? Both had their prank props confiscated, both got detention, and to add insult to injury, NOBODY LAUGHED. When I was going to school, a student named Fred Seiler (SIGH-ler) would keep us in stitches in Mr. Stieler’s (Steeler) German class. And he NEVER got in trouble. Fred’s philosophy was that if you’re going to get sent to the Principal’s office, keep ’em laughing when you leave. ‘Nuff said.

So in P2, 2 Dead Men Walking

“Hey, Roger, why are they strapping us down to this chair? I thought you said The Governor implented a Stay of Execution.”

“I just got done talking to The Governor. He said that Dr. Pearl ought to remove this steel hat to our heads anytime.”

“Even if we dumped Doug’s body in the ditch behind Milford Beverage Warehouse?”

“Dr. Pearl just said ‘Boys will be boys’.”

“Whooaaa, don’t dump so much water on my head!!!!!!!”

 

 

If ya got fined by the Game Warden cuz ya cheated on the open-book portion of the Hunter’s License exam and he didn’t git notified of your illegal maneuver until after ya bagged a ten-pointer at the Fish & Wildlife Reserve behind the Thorp Pure Pork Sausages Enterprise plant, ya might be a redneck.

 

12:59PM-We were up in Ms. Rizk’s room and had to interrupt her Intro to Journalism-Lifetime Reports class. She was in the middle of discussing efficient methods on printing church bulletins when we knocked.

“I don’t know why you’re talking to me. I wouldn’t have anything to do with anything being smuggled in the gym. Have you talked to Coach Thorp?”

“He wasn’t in.”

“That figures. Recruit players to get their picture on the front page of the Milford Trumpet, then fly out of town on a luxury cruise, courtesy of Milford Travel. But that’s Gil.”

“Isn’t that a little odd? We keep finding answer sheets in the gym lockers and Gil is nowhere to be found.”

“He may be perpetually in absentia but he wouldn’t know what to do with stolen PSAT booklets. I did see a kid with a Mohawk in the girls’ gym when I was oiling my typewriter at the drinking fountain. He had reams of college-bound notebooks. He was headed to Mimi’s office.”

“Joe, that may lead us to something. Can’t hurt to look.”

“On it. Hope Mimi isn’t strangled with a lanyard from a referee’s whistle. Let’s go.”

 

P3 is just absolutely insulting our intelligence. Roger going on a wild goose chase to the Milford Dog Pound and finding out that Doug Funnie already paid the fine to get Porkchop out after Porkchop pee’d in Gil’s coffee at the Fellowship Breakfast at that Coffee Shop in P3 only makes a travesty out of a travesty.

Next thing you know, Roger will be looking in the ol’ swimming hole to see if Doug and Skeeter are in their birthday suits. Oh boy, don’t you just wonder if Roger is going to go through with it and plant those papers in Doug’s shorts?

“Mr. Funnie, why do you have a butt like Freezer Thompson?”

“Oh, gee, Mr. Bone, I’m sorry, I didn’t notice that bulge. I guess my butt had an erection.”

“Well, you march right to the boys room and adjust your pants before pre-algebra class. And don’t let me catch you with a boner in your crack again. We have decorum at this school and I intend to live by it.”

“Sure thing, Mr. Bone.”

 

Sure, stick some Cliff’s Note’s on The Taming of the Shrew up Patti Mayonnaise’s dress when Mr. Bone isn’t looking. Doug is sure to ace the Final on Shakespearean Theory if he doesn’t get caught. But if he does, not only will Mr. Bone make him sit on the bench and watch Phoebe coach the boys team since Gil is in The Bahamas, Doug’ll get suspended. Sound strategy. Use a plunger if the papers fall out.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Eddie Haskell has to go to Sing Sing after plotting crib notes in Beaver’s lunch box after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

HAIL HAIL ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

Knock!!!!!! Knock!!!!!! Knock!!!!!!

“Yeahhhhh?”

“Honey, it’s 1:00AM. Don’t you think you should come to bed? I’m all lonely and need some good vibrations.”

“Not now, Mrs. Shaw. I’m practicing for my upcoming gig at the Milford Lounge. I’m gonna do Chuck Berry one better. Why, I’ll be duck-walking in this bathtub before you can say ‘Chubby Checker’.”

“Darling, you need to unlock the door, put down the Jazz guitar and come to bed. I know you say it once belonged to John McLaughlin but that’s neither here nor there. Come to beddddyyyy-by, Honey Pie”

TOO MUCH MONKEY BUSINESS TOO MUCH MONKEY BUSINESS FOR MIMI ON THE COURT TO SEE

“My little Monkey, don’t you want to swing on a tree and be like Tarzan and jump on your precious Jane?”

“Woman, I’ll have the barstools rockin’ with Johnny B. Goode until the break of down

DOWN IN LOUISIANA, CLOSE TO NEW ORLEANS-

“Honey, you have no particular place to go when your Jazz guitar is more solid than your wim wim. Right?”

 

“How could I argue? I was goin’ to town but hadn’t reached my destination. But Milford Men’s Clinic changed all that. These new HARDCORE PLUS tablets took all the guesswork out of my Significant Other. Just a couple of tablets and a glass of water and Tarzan was truly King of the Jungle. The giraffes and lions ran off to see their Mama. And Mrs. Shaw was truly satisfied. She made the sweetest cinnamon Danish rolls at breakfast to seal our relationship. Come on down and get some Green Eggs and Ham for your limp garden hose and watch it spray. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

 

Gang, you make my world. And I don’t have to look in Mammoth Cave to find you. But Roger will go just about anywhere to exact revenge. I don’t think he’ll go to Antarctica. He wouldn’t stoop that low. Would he?

 

At the Indy 500

“I checked with the pit crew. They haven’t seen him.”

“I told you to look first in the library, dimwit.”

 

3:47PM-Bill and I drove over to the Coffee C Shoppe. We were told that the smugglers went there for cappuccino and doughnuts

“He about drained the Colombian pot dry. Thank God I ordered more Folger’s.”

“Did you see anything suspicious other than that? Did he stick the crib notes anywhere?”

“Yeah, Mr. Gannon, now that you mentioned it, he ordered a 3-piece chicken dinner, all-white, 2 breasts and a wing. He crammed something under the potato wedges. The biscuits were too small.”

“Any idea where he was going?”

“Said he was going to eat lunch at the Milford Trucking Terminal before he went back to work. What he does with crib notes and why he sticks ’em in an 18-wheeler is more than I know.”

“If he hides Chic-Lets in a flatbed, he’s still breaking the law.”

The obligatory zinger said and done, Joe says no more and he and Bill leave. They take their Powerball tickets with them.

 

To be continued

 

February 15, 2020

Phoebe’s Electric!

gt02152020

Steve Luhm, Master of the Janitorium, has been keeping the halls of Milford High so shiny that Phoebe Keener can get in some Electric Slide practice in time for the reprise of the Milford/Goshen flash mob from a few seasons back.

 

I could be wrong; Milford could be replacing West Allis, Wisconsin as the home of US speed skating, and Phoebe’s working on her stride. Then again maybe those are figure skating moves, as her camel game is very strong today.

Any or all of that makes as much sense as the gibberish she’s doling out to Alexa Watson. So Chris Schuring’s little secret is to be an obnoxious jerk and start cutting in front of people everywhere you go? How exactly has that worked out for him? He had a good game against Oakwood but how did that translate from Gil’s directive to “pounce”? He hasn’t pounced on that punk-ass DeMarco kid yet, much less throw his weight around the halls. Better left to his flunkies, I suppose.

Even Phoebe recognizes this little head game won’t make Alexa see herself as less of a geek. If it makes everyone else see that Alexa is a person who won’t let anyone stand in her way physically, then she and Chris are on to something. Too bad it’s not the Lady Mudlarks’ opponents who’ll see all that cutting ahead of kids in the hall. Once Alexa’s muscled her way into position there’s still that little matter of shooting the ball, which Chris’ solution conveniently glosses over.

Speaking of Phoebe and shooting and apropos of nothing, here’s a shot of an Eastern Phoebe taken by son of teenchy on one of our side trips to Bakst country not very long ago.

phoebe_pdsp

February 5, 2020

Unwanted attention, on and off the court

gt02052020

I wouldn’t like attention, either, when it’s coming from someone whose attention I don’t want, who walks up to me looking like an alien host from The X-Files, and who starts making unsolicited observations and psychoanalyses about my behavior.

Rubin’s created this kind of Goofus and Gallant vibe coming from the Alexa and Chris dynamic. Alexa lets criticism go to her head while Chris lets the taunts of immature punks slide like water off a duck’s back. Alexa treats academics like a contact sport – or so we’re told – while Chris is much more chill when it comes to his studies. (They’re both kind of hung up on their stats, though.) Chris’ blunt approach to Alexa today moves his personal needle closer to Goofus. At least he’s left Alexa an opening, probably because he knows she never takes them.

Playing quarterback to get attention is such a Pelwecki thing to do. Alexa should know that every boy who’s put his hands under center for the past five seasons has had to fill the cleats of a unicorn*  and, by extension, validate Gil’s ability as a coach. No pressure there.

 

*Did anybody notice that Wake Forest’s starting QB transferred to Georgia? Leaves an opening for redshirt senior True Standish.

January 3, 2020

“You’ve always been a glue guy. So now we’re gonna play ‘Horse’.”

gt01032020

“And by ‘play horse’ I mean ‘put you out to pasture’.”

Gil abuses his power to pull Chris out of whatever class he was in for… what, exactly? To run Death Valleys ’til he pukes for missing the final shot?  Nah, Gil already forgave him for that. Photo shoot to boost Gil’s and Kaz’s spank bank his college application portfolio? Really, it’s anyone’s guess in this cliffhanger before the cliffhanger. If that lost 20 minutes of class costs Schuring an A on the final and his valedictorian status, we’ll know this was all a subtle plot hatched by Alexa via Mimi cnd carried out by Gil, in exchange for Alexa’s promise to go harder in the paint.

 

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