This Week in Milford

November 10, 2018

Where Do You Sleep?

gt11102018

Thalidomide Kaz

Threatening to take Tiki

Back to his dojo

 

To “sleep.” Yeah, whatevs.

Kaz’s dojo is simple

Not unlike himself

 

Far simpler than

Tiki’s complicated life

How complicated?

 

I don’t think we’ll know

Until the end of next week

Oh, such the drama

 

“Do” more definite

Than “could.” Might mean that Tiki

Sleeps in his Plymouth

 

Not matter of where

Tiki sleeps but where he could

Kaz, how do you sleep?

 

Advertisements

November 8, 2018

Will Wal-Mart Be Selling Sketchy Telephones On Black Friday?

110818

Including today, we have negotiated through 22 days without seeing a football. You TWIMers have done an excellent job with the analogies on detectives in relation to The Hardy Boys and now Gil and Kaz,  running the gamut from Encyclopedia Brown to Agatha Christie to Go Go Gadget Go. Even Gil is getting in on the act, calling Kaz “Sherlock” the other day. I reckon when you ain’t playing football because it’s been preempted by “Peyton Place” and “A Charlie Brown Special: The Case of the Missing Fussbudget”, you start thinking more like Luke Spencer and/or Jessica Fletcher

And the telephones are the proof in the pudding. Good God Almighty, Gil and Kaz ought to be switchboard operators . They’ve been spending more time with phones than pigskins, without a doubt.

“One ringee dingee

Two ringee dingee

Hello, is this Coach Sit-on-your-ass-all-day? This is Coach Phone-is-epoxied-to-my-earring. We’re calling about a player that used to play for you. You don’t know him either? But you heard he dated Manny the Mail Man’s daughter? Well, that makes sense, the Shoe Shine Man on “Police Squad” told me he’d been in the ‘hood mixing in with some sketchy characters. BTW, how long has that Tab can been on your desk? I can smell it through the wires.”

 

VAMBOOOOOO, I don’t understand this plot at allllllll

You old-timers, remember when the Sensational Alex Harvey Band appeared on the old In Concert series (on ABC right after the 11:00 News) ? Talk about bizarre. Bizarre lyrics, bizarre music, bizarre clothing. I mean ta tell ya, Alex baby is belting out VAMBOOOOO, accompanied by their guitarist who was dressed in a clown outfit, combo The Joker/Pennywise the Dancing Clown with a voice like one of Sabrina’s witches.

Later, Alex’s mouth is stuffed with what later turned out to be L’eggs Panty Hose that he eventually put over his face (Mudlarks, don’t try this at home) and flagrantly displayed to the world how psychopathic he really was, a bank robber about to scare the living daylights with that hose over his face, with the idea that if you’re terrified of this demon on your TV screen, you’d fork over your money (I’d have given my paycheck I was going to cash at Milford National, anyway, don’t know ’bout you.) and be entertained to boot.

Damn, Coach Kaz might shroud his face with L’eggs Avocado Medium Size but it wouldn’t be entertaining and this plot would STILL be bizarre AND stupid. At least the audience applauded SAHB.

 

And what in the name of VAMMMMBBBBOOOOOOOO is the New Thayer coach talking about when he says sketchy characters???????? Is this another way of expressing “stick figures”? He’s been drinking so much of that stale Sam’s Choice Berry Cherry Soda with all the ensuing flies buzzing around it that it’s affecting his judgment?  I am really trying to be fair here.

But remember when we used to play Hangman and if you spelled the word out, your stick figure got the noose at high noon? Is ol’ Coach Sit-on-etc. insinuating that Tiki associated with the Hangman’s kids? Boy, the artwork has really hit the skids lately if we are to learn the truth in a few days. Let me come on in and draw Tiki’s friends. I’d win 1st Prize in the Stick Figure Competition at the Milford County Fair. Me, with my manila paper of 3 stick people trying to shove past the door greeters and security on Black Friday at Wal-Mart side-by-side with a couple a kids that won the Cow-Milking  Competition, wow. And all I had to do on the stick figure door greeter was draw a rectangle for his/her name badge. Piece of cake.

 

Shout-out to Tommy Stanford who works at the Fern Creek, Kentucky Taco Bell. He always has a smile on his face when a customer walks in and does EVERYTHING he can to please the customer. It’s a definite great experience when he takes your order. I like his professionalism and if you’re in the neighborhood, swing on by. Even though Taco Bell is a nationwide chain, Tommy makes it a Small Business atmosphere. And gang, you need to go where everybody knows your name. Give Tommy the business, gang. He deserves it.

 

“VAMBOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!!

VAMBOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!

VAMBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Comin’ to the rescue!!!!!!!!!!!”

A teenager almost spills his Triple Chunky Chocolate Bucket o’ Shake

“Is that Coach Thorp in that Bozo outfit????? Geez, no wonder why he can’t recruit ANYONE, let alone a punter.”

Yet, Gil and Coach Shaw soldier on, the center stage replacing the dancing area where the kids normally boogie. Right now, there’s a new band in town. They really need to up their VAMBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOO since Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs are scheduled to appear next on their Comeback Tour. VAMMMMBBBBBBOOOOOOOOO getting outclassed by “Wooly, Booly”? Perish the thought. Plus Tiki will shock ’em later with the panty hose act.

“Man, I knew the Bucket Lobster Claw Plate ‘n’ Chips were hard to swallow, but Tiki’s REALLY havin’ a time of it. Think I ought a slip a glass of water?”

 

Okay, okay, Tiki in reality wasn’t associating with kindergarten-drawing characters (“Mommy, Mommy, look what I drawed, a stick figure getting his ass handed to him by Gil in his office!!!!!) so let’s rewind and see if we can figure out SKETCHY CHARACTERS once and for all. And the Amazing Kreskin is rummaging through his mind and interpreting this as a typo for SHADY CHARACTERS. Where else could Thorpiverse be leading us? Are Dagwood and Blondie SKETCHY CHARACTERS????? Sergeant Snorkel????? Man, the dude is too fat to be sketchy. And not too many SKETCHY CHARACTERS with one tooth in their mouths, much less making Beetle Bailey roadkill.

Soooooooooo, SHADY CHARACTERS it is. STILL, has Tiki been associating with Goodfellas??????? Is that why he runs to games, classes, the bathroom, etc. cuz this unmarked Cadillac Seville is chasing him because he failed to finish a job that he signed a contract for????? Does that mean if Marty Moon disappears suddenly (fingers crossed) from WDIG, Tiki fulfilled the terms of the contract and will show up on time for !st Period World Geography?????? Folks, I’m just going with what I’m seeing if we’re going to discuss SKETCHY CHARACTERS. So far, we’ve ruled out stick figures and Dennis the Menace but that’s about as much progress that we’ve made. Oh, and The Sopranos.

 

A HUGE shout-out to the poll workers who manned the voting booths at American Legion Post 42 in Floyds Knobs, Indiana this past Tuesday. When I walked in the place and saw the serpentine line, to be honest, I was understandably concerned. BUT the whole staff operated like clockwork and I was out in less than 1/2 an hour, from the end of the line to signing in to voting to putting my ballot in the box. And as a bonus, they saw over 1,000 voters exercise Democracy (I was about 3 voters down from the 1,000th voter) . Just as important it is to vote are the people who ENABLE US TO VOTE by all the procedures they follow to make this thing work. And you DEFINITELY made it work. I salute you all in making Freedom reign.

 

P1-“HICCUP!!!!!!!!! No, I don’t recall a Tiki (looking under the New Thayer Downs Racing Weekly) . I see a Kiki, naw, wait that’s Kiki Vandeweghe, that’s my ESPN Classic magazine, my bad,  (looks in his desk, shoves aside the Pringles), I saw a Thomas here on my roster BELLLCCCHHHH, Excuse me!!!!!!!! from ’98 but that was when we were doormats to you all, shoot, (scratching crotch, switches leg so that other leg can get a rest from the balancing act on his chair), I even looked on my plan book and couldn’t find any appointments with any sketchy characters, they must have gone to Apartment 3-G, well, (looking under his Jack Daniels in the top drawer next to his checkbook to make sure) , if I find any Tiki Jackson, I’ll holler. BTW, is he any kin to Tito or Janet or Michael? Can Tiki moonwalk?”

 

In response to a local McDonald’s issuing the edict “No profanity in this store!!!!!!!!”

 

“DAMN!!!!!!! My Bucket Buffalo Burger is medium-rare again!!!!!!!!!! The beef is redder than VAMBOOOOOO and who the Hell left the Bucket Chili Chipotle Fries in the deep fryer so long???? This 10W40 taste is making me puke and shit in the Bucket men’s room at the same time. And WTF made the Bucket Oreo Shake? These pieces look like deer droppings when me and Shaw go hunting. We’d find a 10-pointer for sure leaving these pieces of poop on the trail.”

“Gil!!!!!!!!! They’re issuing fines!!!!!!!!! Watch your language!!!!!!!!!”

“I said ‘poop.'”

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club auditions

“VAMBOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! This plot has got me hypnotized!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ahhhhhh, that might work. As long as we can keep Gil’s face dabbed with Pond’s Cold Cream between sets, he can always fake the Gibson guitar. And thank God, the Milford Shriners were willing to donate a clown costume. He might struggle with the clown shoes since he wears a size 12 and they’re size 11’s but I understand the leather stretches.  And we’ll just lip-synch the high notes for Gil. But, Shaw, no way we’re using a Jazz guitar on this number.”

“But VAMMMMMMMMNBBBBBBBBOOOOOO was Joe Pass’s favorite number!!!!!!!”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Bucket Metes Out $10,000 Fine To Coach Kaz Over Profanity Allegedly Uttered This Past Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“All I said was that the cooks must have substituted cow manure for meatballs in the Bucket o’ Marinaded Spaghetti.”

 

If ya actually git rewarded with a McDonald’s McRib Sandwich coupon cuz ya got a little carried away with talkin’ about that whopper of a swordfish ya caught at Mudlark Lake cuz the McD’s manager is yore fishin’ buddy and completely kin relate, ya might be a redneck.

 

WHO SHOW COACH SHAW?????????

VAMMMMBBBBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Naw, couldn’t have been him. He sings like the Wicked Witch of the West but witnesses saw him at his Fraternal Order of Clowns meeting at the corner table at Milford Lounge.”

 

Gang, comment away. Looks like we’ll be learning a lot about mythology if Thor’s lightning bolt in P2 is any indication. Ahhhhh, enough thinking. I’m going with Gil and Kaz on the tour of the Washington Monument in P3. The next tour is due up at 3:00PM. Can’t wait to see the Potomac.

 

At Gil’s home at 11:30 one night, Mimi can’t sleep and is reading Danielle Steele while jammin’ on the turntable to Clifford Brown (You died too early, Clifford, My Man) . She is overwhelmed by one of Steele’s dresses on the back cover. Suddenly, behind the Motorola Console, a man with steel netting over his visage rises up and acts like one of the ghosts from Scooby-Doo.

VAMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO

“GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!!!!!!!!!”

“Mimi, it’s just me. I thought the shock might circulate the blood and get you tired. It’s lonely sleeping with Dino.  His farts are a bit too juicy.”

“FIRST REMOVE THE CLOWN MAKEUP!!!!!!!!!”

 

At The Bucket cashier

“Ma’am, did some idiot scoop this Bucket o’ Teenie Weenie Wieners and Spaghetti O’s Kiddie Plate out of a Ken’L Ration can????? My daughter had to scurry to the Emergency Room at Milford General and my son has a rash. How can you sell this Bucket o’ Shit?”

Suddenly, a police siren and flashers appear through the window.

ONE ADAM-12 ONE ADAM-12 WE HAVE A CODE 291 IN PROGRESS AT THE BUCKET!!!!!!!!!!!!

November 7, 2018

Meet Skip Tracy, née Bob Kazinski

gt11072018

Here we go again

Kaz plays detective because

He can’t coach for shit

 

Pine Trace landlord is

Quick to give the deets about

Tiki’s apartment

 

Like a Motel 6

Maybe Kaz should work for ICE

Where’s “Rick” Soto now?

 

Next, Kaz is calling

The Microsoft campus. Why?

Oh, it’s COACH Redmond!

 

Is he at New Thayer?

Must be. Why the hell else would

Kaz be calling him?

 

New Thayer must have

A real crappy school system

To leave for Milford

 

Why else would you move

Into a dumpy place on

The poor side of town?

 

The missing subtext:

The Valley’s full of income

Inequality

 

November 1, 2018

Hey, Hey, Glad Gil Only Wants To Get You Fried On Monday, Tiki

Filed under: actual action, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, Goshen, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 4:14 pm

110118

Uh oh. Tiki’s gonna get a paddling on Monday. You saw it coming. How many times were we going to see Tiki racing with his pants on fire to practices, classes, games, poker tournaments, sand volleyball matches at Milford Lounge, pro wrestling matches between Jerry Lawler and Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart at the Milford Colosseum, union rallies, Bar-B-Q luncheons at the Milford Civitan Club at the Milford IGA meeting room before Gil was FINALLY going to put his foot down and TAKE CHARGE!!!!!!! Only logical, it’s November, about when the plot is mired in the swamp and just BEGGING for somebody to perform a Molly Hatchet and get them cannons jumped and fired up again. The difference was, Molly got it going in the heat of the battle which is why she deserves a place in history while Gil used the jumper cables on the cannons after the British won and left for Ticonderoga. Gil, you’re not going to win too many battles or games if you cross the Delaware after the Redcoats have recrossed The Pond and gone back home.

And what REALLY is going to be the punishment? Take out all the waste cans in each classroom and give Steve Luhm a free vacation? Use an Oral B toothbrush to clean the toilet in Gil’s personal bathroom in his office? Be the timer for all 5 games for Mimi’s team? When Mr. C grounded Richie because the latter spent too much time admiring The Fonz’s Harley instead of going to school, the punishment fit the crime. But with Coach T., I’m getting a sick gut feeling we’re going to see Pandora’s Box, punishments ranging from the switch to the Salem Witch Trial method, being put on the rack and stretched and/or locked down in the stocks in the middle of the school cafeteria or even a mystery punishment (“Hang from the flagpole in front of WDIG studios”). But Gil is taking charge. Finally.

 

 

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to get you bored

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Love to slash you with a sword

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

There will be no consummation

There will be no fast conclusion

To this farce

 

They keep on dragging it down

in the mud

They ramble on and on

What a flood

 

For those of you still not convinced that  bad hearing causes Alzheimer’s Disease

At the Valley Conference showdown where the Milford Mudlarks and the Goshen Palookas are battling to get out of last place

“Gil, is your hearing slipping? I wanted to sub Tiki and you sent in Telly Savales. He’s an ACTOR, Gil. He’s NOT on the roster!!!!!!!!!”

“You watch Kojak?”

“And why’d you go for it on 4th-and 26 on our own 10-yard-line? The Palookas scored with ease like we were standing still!!!!!!!!”

“So you thought he sucked on too many lollipops too, huh? How many did he have in his desk?”

“And that was a HORRIBLE call by the official. Our lineman didn’t even touch him on that holding call!!!!!!!!!!! And you’re gonna treat him to a Livercheese Burger at The Bucket after the game?”

“Better than lollipops.”

“Gil, can you even make sense of what I’m saying???? You ran an end around sweep when I called for a roll-out right which would have kept the defense honest and they would stack their defense up so tight. You also had 10 guys out on the field.”

“So you think we ought to call  an audible?”

 

Shout-out to Patricia Gardner of Louisville, Kentucky. She has been through SEVERAL trials and has lived to tell about each one. A liver transplant and in the process of getting a kidney transplant tells me she wants to be a part of the scenery. Good for you, Patricia. She has done all this and raised beautiful children to boot. Today, she was weak after tests and dialysis were run on her, yet she refused to let it beat her. You were great to talk to and VERY interesting. She is also a writer and writes about life, a talent not everybody can do. Continue to make your mark in the world, Patricia. We still need you.

 

Playing DOWN to its record?????? Last time I checked, that’s pretty daggone awful. Who did they play when they WON???????? The Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union?????? Wow, on a rainy Friday night

The WCTU coach in their locker room in a pre-game speech

“Let’s win one for the Gipper because he voted against Demon Rum!!!!!!!!!!!”

After the 110-0 shellacking by the Goshen Palookas, complete with 37 broken bones, 87 contusions,  210 concussions, 3,468 teeth knocked out, and 15 players sent to Milford General Hospital, 5 in the ICU, the WCTU coach in the post-game speech

“Alcohol still sucks!!!!!!!!!!”

And if the only time we see a football is when it’s bouncing around in a pinball machine for the hapless schmuck to pick up, it just confirms the inertia the plot has been broadcasting for the last 3 months. No potential energy here if you physics students are still awake. The epitome of this malaise has GOT TO BE in P2 where, wellllll, you could say there’s football going on, but, A) We don’t see the field soooooooo B) For all we know, they could be in the middle of the National Anthem while the UFO is coming on the field for a landing. Probably the Kanamits back to pick up a section of the crowd to take back to their planet. Either way, if it IS the National Anthem we’re encountering, TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN HELMETS. They haven’t been utilized anyway, why put ’em on NOW??????

 

 

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to get us flayed

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Are underworked and overpaid

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

There will be no stimulation

There will be no simulation

Of any sense

 

The logic goes out of bounds

on 4th down

The flag is thrown to the ground

No touchdown

 

Shout-out to Barbara Tinsley of Louisville, Kentucky for contributions as a bus driver for TARC (Transit Authority of River City) . Barbara, you kept Louisville running for many years and was on excellent relations with your customers and got them on time. They simply didn’t pay you enough. I’m all for you getting a boost in that direction because you worked your fingers to the bone getting people to their jobs or to their doctor’s appointments. Now get some rest, Barbara. You’ve earned it.

 

 

“And we’ll be right back after this. Gil is REALLY losing his mind this time. Looks like he could use a hearing aid from one of  our sponsors, Milford Hearing’s All We Do. Might I suggest a kettledrum size for his fat head. All right, that out of the way, at Milford Hearing’s All We Do, you can get control of your life again with a hearing aid designed to fit your needs and budget. Give ’em a call today at 1-800-GOOD-EAR. All major insurance accepted. Now a word from another one of sponsors, Milford Bitchin’ Bath, with the score, the Palookas, 41, Mudlarks, 7. This is Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.

“Gil, don’t you think the bath tub’s a little crowded? Me and Great-Grandma Thorp and the kids are using up all the Mr. Bubble. It’s hard to wash behind the kids’ ears when Great-Grandma Thorp is trying to give herself an enema.”

“Yup, I had a major problem. The kids couldn’t use Johnson’s No More Tears because Great-Grandma Thorp globbed it all over the dog. Boy, talk about a cow lick. Well, the dog may have had a nice coat on him but the kids hair looked like Ozzy Osbourne singing ‘Paranoid’ at the Milford Pavilion. I was getting desperate. Shoot, you should have seen the problem pile up when Fred and Wilma and Pebbles and Bam Bam got in the tub. Don’t get me wrong, I like Mimi’s breasts in bed but I really didn’t feel like climbing Mt. Everest then negotiating Betty Rubble’s same topography soon after that. And Dino and Barney? Dino wasn’t about to share his rubber ducky with him.  Then Coach Andrews suggested a walk-in tub. His football team uses it when they need to practice thinking as a team. Sure, speaking as a coach, you want a mind-set in the same direction but you want a bath tub headed in that direction too.

At Milford Bitchin’ Bath, they helped me choose the right design and let me tell you, it’s nice being able to open the door to the tub and not feel as if the Titanic is sinking. I can walk in with just a towel and Mrs. Andrews and Mimi can file their nails, gossip and splishy-splash with each other, while Fred and Barney in their Fruit of the Looms  and Wilma and Betty in their Fred’s from Hollywood bikinis can hold a seance at the other end and still get clean.  And the kids can play water polo in the middle. Shazam!!!!!! Bam Bam can bang on the tub or Dino’s head and the walk-in tub with its durable vinyl will hold serve like my golf boys did in August, even with my bad coaching. And all we had to do was take out half the garage. Heck, we were just leaving grass clippings, bags of leaves from the fall, and doggie doo piles in the dust pan, anyway. And we sold our riding mower, it was 15 years old anyway. And you oughta see Great-Grandma Thorp get in without a hitch. If she’d stop annoying us with singing “It’s Your Thing”, Isley Brothers she’s not, but, oh well, you can’t have everything. But we have solved the main problem. You can too. Come to Milford Bitchin’ Bath and if you tell ’em Gil sent ya, they’ll send the Resident Plumber to perform a free toilet inspection to do prevent maintenance on those nasty clogs. No sense in having doo-doo run out your toilet unexpectedly while your tub is overpopulated at the same time. Now you have a friend in the bathroom business.”

 

Interlude, Marty really going to town on his ukulele through all those strange bubbles in the Guided by Voices video, even jumping with the lead singer, Robert Pollard, to look more ultimate cool

 

Enough of Tiki and Joe Bikel

And his video library

 

Play football on an open date

The panels reap sedentary

 

Soap operas are nice when on TV

But not in a sports comic strip

That’s lost its way

Back home

Where Gil flunked out

His ID

Confined

To his gym trunks

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to make you fly

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Wish we could wave ’em goodbye

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

SSSPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLAAAAASSSHHHHHHHH

 

“Gil, Tiki did a cannonball in the walk-in tub so the toilet’s stopped up.”

 

Comment away, gang. I still think Gil will make Tiki sing “God Bless America” with Kate Smith on top of a table at The Bucket. Better reinforce the table given Kate’s girth. We need Tiki to further stagnate this plot.

 

 

Gang, I would like to remember those slain at the synagogue in Pittsburgh. It is sad that hate is still among us and that there are still reminders that we have some cruel unthinking people in the world. Being a Christian, I’m like Voltaire, “I may not agree with what you have to say but will defend your right to say it.” When someone viciously takes matters in his/her own hands, it sets back the clock on tolerance. Matthew 13 talks about spreading Good Seed. I may not be able to save the world but, through my example, I can do an act of kindness, strongly believing another person will see it and pass it on, some OTHER person will see THAT act of kindness and pass it on, etc. The beauty of this concept is, you don’t have to believe in my Faith (but obviously hope that you would, Jesus has been good to me) to do this and it makes the place a better world. Don’t overcome hate with hate, gang. Let the culprit be brought to justice through the legal system and thereby receiving his proper reward so that we don’t become like the haters. In the meantime, pray in your own way for the victims and their families.

October 30, 2018

Thanks, Marty, I Can Start My Own Matchbox Collection Again.

103018

As fellow TWIMer Vaganova noted about a couple of items that qualified for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects (and, boy, THEY QUALIFIED) , I am weighing in with my own contribution, namely from P1 that’ll get any kid filled with glee. That  Matchbox sedan with custom chrome wheels and vinyl bucket seats and a steering wheel (and a microcosmic  daredevil Evel Knievel in the driver’s seat) could pass for a microphone in any country. I bet Maxwell Smart has a couple in his pocket when battling KAOS.

 

All righty then, so NOW we know that the mystery interviewer yesterday wasn’t Donna Reed’s husband. I know he had a bit of a sardonic twinge to him but nothing like Moon Man himself. And it’s good to have him back needling Coach Thorp about his (loosely speaking)  game strategy, among other things. For 60 years, death, taxes, mutant poplar trees in the background, and Marty’s rapier wit were part of the inductive reasoning process, sure, like the sun rising in the west after 1,000,000 times of doing the opposite, you might see something different (maybe mutant elms) but then again, Nancy and Sluggo might be put up for adoption.

 

And it’s PRETTY DARN SAD when Marty’s caustic side show is now the main attraction. Folks, when I go to the circus, I watch the elephants, not the flunkies shoveling their droppings after they got the audience clapping with approval when . Dumbo sat on his hind legs, begging for a Milk Bone (“Sit, Dumbo, Sit”) . You old-timers remember The Family Circus when they would show their one panel in the Sunday paper but on the side, evidently Bil Keane, the artist (God Bless You, My Man, kept us kids entertained for eons, Jeffy, (Bil’s son, now the artist), keep the tradition alive) , allowed his kids to create some cartoons to the side of the panel and they were entertaining because the little panels made a pun which was published below the little vignette? I always got a kick out them but carrying this to a faltering plotline is infusing a dead horse with unnecessary nutriments. Shoot Mr. Ed, Marty and Gil. Thrust and Parry for this travesty is like watching Jerry Lawler and the Moon Dogs battle it out at the Memphis Coliseum for what’s inside the Trix box.

 

Mimi reading the Sunday Comix in The Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon and Gil”

Above the caption, a kid named Marty is displaying his butt to all the piranhas in the family aquarium

“Mommy, what happened to The Family Circus? It’s all smudgy and yucky.”

 

 

While I was reading “Parade” in the Milford Sunday Enquirer, I ran across an ad for hearing aids which claimed that loss of hearing leads to Alzheimer’s Disease.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

Okay, I’ve solved one problem (beat the Hardy Boys at their own game-YESSSSSSSSS!!!!) . Gil’s inept coaching can be solved by upgrading his Beltone. And Mimi will know what to stuff in the stocking at Christmas.

“Boy, what a holiday, Mimi. Apples, candy canes, peppermints, sugar plums, Reese’s 6-Pak Mimi’s, Oreos, Fritos Chili Chips, slice of fruit cake and hearing aids. ’tis the Season.

Now onward to solve another problem and FINALLY capture the Holy Grail.

“Mimi, do you think the kids wrapped my hearing aid in those ties with the Mudlark logo on them?”

“I don’t know”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oops, I was watching the Monty Python Marathon. Hope they can yank Mimi out of the fireplace. Anyhoo

Great Grandma Maltilda Eleazar Naomi Thorp comes to visit Gil & family.

“Gil, she is an interesting person. And she’s holding up well for 137-years old.”

“Yup, she and Ms. Rizk and Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies were all on the cheerleading squad at the same high school and were in the same graduating class.”

“But I’m a little worried. She got pulled over for a DUI last week in her 1897 Camaro. She also almost drank out of the Glidden Vanilla White paint can, thinking it was milk. Then she backed into the verandah and that’s going to take a month to repair.”

“I understand. We’ll just have to have our meaningless tete-a-tetes at the Milford Lounge until I can get an estimate from Milford Deck & Patio Furnishments. We can put up with the sand volleyball tournaments until then. The Thanksgiving Macy’s Day Parade Double-Elimination Extravaganza will evaporate before you know it and we can talk about your basketball team without a hitch. We can manage a discussion about your 5-game schedule above the juke box, no problem.”

“But how do we solve a problem like Great-Grandma Thorp?”

 

“Good question. I had no answer. Kinda how my coaching’s gone for 60 years. But this was serious.

Sure, I paid the bail. No fun sharing a cell with O.J. or Charles Manson or Sweeney Todd. And that’s I took it as an omen to take charge of her hearing..

At Milford Hearing’s All We Do, they have a wide selection of hearing aids designed to deal with an assortment of problems, from tone-deaf so that you don’t get swept in a nuclear fallout while your hearing aid is in your purse to the ones who just need a boost in their audio functions.

Now, my great-grandmother is living life to the fullest, thanks to the good people at Milford Hearing’s All We Do. We didn’t have to reconsolidate our debt and Granny called the other Granny to have lunch at Granny’s Beverly Hillbilly mansion with Jed and Elly May (Jethro had National Guard duty) . They were planning on reminiscing about their high school days and Granny was even going to share with Granny the photo of them posing with President McKinley before a high school basketball game  when they were cheerleaders. Her hearing sounds fine to me. Priceless.”

 

WHO SHOT COACH SHAW?

At the local precinct, next to the Milford Grand Canyon

“We can rule out Mildred Thorp, Gil’s great-grandmother. Several eyewitnesses saw her at the William Jennings Bryan convention.”

“Who’s he?”

“No idea. As long as he ain’t in Hilary’s Commie party, I’m good.”

“Yeah? Well, Trump  stuck his foot in his mouth again, called us the Mudlacks and Gil is upset. And I still say he’s guttin’ our health insurance…”

 

At The Bucket on a Saturday night after a Milford High School victory in ANY sport

Great-Grandma Thorp is on the soda fountain counter, doing The Charleston to James Brown’s “Get Up, I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine.”

Poetry in motion

The O’Jays “For The Love of Money” is on the jukebox

“Geez, how she can do the Fox Trot on the grill while the cook is flippin’ Bucket Burgers is a minor miracle.”

“Agreed. Her hearing aid is as big as a tuba but she’s rockin’ the night away. Can’t wait till they play ‘I Wonder Why He’s The Greatest Dancer’. I heard she boogies better than Donna Summer.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Reba McIntire Engaged At 63 To O.J.!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Negotiating team making progress on monitoring O.J. while out of jail on their honeymoon.”

 

 

PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY

PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIGHT

 

“Grandma, I gotta sit down. I only slept 4 hours cuz I was searching all night for a punter.”

“HORSE FEATHERS!!!!!!!!! You whippersnapper, if I can whip this French horn in my head and do the splits at the same time without ripping my Depends, then you still got some air in the tank!!!!!! Now trip the light fantastic!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

It’s nice to see Gil went to Floyd the Barber to get a haircut. I didn’t know Floyd was adept at usin’ the scissors to shape a Max Headroom mien. But Floyd, I think you’re stretching things if you try this same shearing method on Barney Fife or Otis the Drunk. You gonna go to his cell while O.J. is sleeping and make an attempt? Good luck.

“Oh, Barney, don’t get discouraged. It takes a while for Thelma Lou to get used to radical ideas. I think your hair looks fine. It still within the Mayberry City Code.”

 

Shout out to Lisa Kik, of Prospect, Kentucky, for her 1st Place championship in Special Olympics Bowling. I would also like to remember her father, her grandfather, and grandmother who encouraged her mightily along the way to achievements like this. That’s what it’s all about. It takes a team to win and no better example than right here. Lisa, keep plugging away as you represent America and what it can accomplish if you keep trying. Congratulations, Lisa.

 

In the center of the floor at The Bucket, a Donald Duck voice is eminent

“…Aw, get down, Mama, ya got some moooovvveesss…”

DISCO

DISCO DUCK!!!!

DISCO

DISCO DUCK!!!!

“Gil, I’m amazed at your great-grandma’s imitations. Loved her take on Ronald Reagan.

Somebody yelling “Giddy-up, Grandma, Giddy-up!!!!!!!!!!!” and “Way to jack that hearing aid to turbocharge, Granny!!!!!!!!!!” awakens Gil.

“Huh, what? Oh yeah, Reagan was a great president.”

“Oh, Gil, phooey. You missed the part where they had to send her to the Time-Out Table. She was displaying her Depends while they were playing ‘You Show Me Yours (And I’ll Show You Mine)’ The place was en fuego.”

Thanks to Cheryl Hogan of Louisville, Kentucky for her contribution to the last scenario. Keep livin’, Cheryl. We need you.

 

And just when we were getting settled into a plot of SOME kind, P3 is potentially veering off in ANOTHER DIRECTION. Thorpiverse, there are only 4 points on the compass. We’re not utilizing the 3-dimension Vulcan plan and hoping we land on Deneb somewhere to establish diplomatic relations with its people. Can we leave Dr. Spock out of Milford, for cryin’ out loud? Enough directions in this plot already.

Sure, Coach Stuard (RIP, Coach, you were a HUGE influence on my playing and coaching) used to teach me “Never let ’em see you sweat”, something Gil is saying in P2 and with good reason. And it appears as if we are rapidly approaching normalcy. P3, with Mr. T and his teammmates in a quandary over whether Tiki is on Mars, on a milk carton, or in the bathroom puking out the stress, sends normalcy back on the USS Enterprise for Dr. McCoy to examine. This might be a trekkie mini-series at the rate we’re going.

 

While Great-Grandmother Thorp is performing live with Dino and Frankie, pursuing the Oldies-but-Goldies route, with Killers (trust me) lie “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime”, “New York, New York”, “In The Wee Small Hours”, “Tuxedo Junction”, “Strangers in the Night”, etc. at The Sands in Milford, Coach Thorp is encountering a bit of a problem.

“$&%@+*/=<>, this machine doesn’t want to spit out anything!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, you can’t win ’em all.The slot machines will pay off in the long run.”

“Mimi, I’m trying to get M & M’s out of this @%$&*(+=#$% gumball machine!!!!!!!!! That’s the 8th quarter!!!!!!!! Got any more in your purse???????”

 

Gang, it’s all yours. I’m going with the A-Team to look for Tiki. Did anybody check that high school building at the beginning of Funky Winkerbean?

 

“Couple #3, Coach Shaw and Mrs. Coach Shaw, what animal will your wife say best imitates your sexual desire? Is it A) Gorilla B) Donkey C) Raccoon or D) Whale. Coach?

“Most definitely, a gorilla. I go to bed like Tarzan and I am KING OF THE JUNGLE!!!!!!!!! All the other animals in the jungle and in the bedroom are afraid of me!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Well, Tarzan, I hate to break it to you but she answered ‘Whale'”

“Honey, you have a big body, you splash around a lot under the covers, and you smash all the fishies and all my hot flashes with a big SPLAT!!!!!!!!!!! But you never get to the bottom of the ocean!!!!!!!”

“No way you can get to the buried treasure if you don’t dive, Coach Shaw.”

Audience roars with laughter at Eubanks’ last gem. On cue, naturally.

THANK YOU to Matthew Maloney, of Fern Creek, Kentucky, for help with the last comedy idea. Keep chuggin’ at Kroger, Big Guy. You’re not only funny, you keep America working. And strong.

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mildred Thorp Welcomed Into Rat Pack!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Peter Lawford out after fallout with Frankie.”

October 20, 2018

Let’s Hope Gil Doesn’t Bring In Social Services Again

gt10202018

We’ve been down this road before, a little over a year and a half ago to be exact. Nosy classmates stick their noses where they don’t belong, Gil gets wind and the next thing you know another Milford High kid’s getting his family busted up like…uh, well, another family that got busted up.  And what’s up with Andre and Movie Boy Weird Joe Bolek getting so chummy so quickly? (I thought Andre’s first word balloon had an extraneous comma.) Are they gonna turn into this year’s Ken Brown and Mike Granger?

Why should Gil know about Tiki’s excessive tardiness? Is there some unwritten rule that Milford athletes who are chronically late to school get kicked off the team, or suspended for the first half against a cupcake non-conference opponent, or something?  Gil suspended Barry Bader for getting ejected but made him travel with the team; maybe there’s some similar obscure punishment in Tiki’s future. (Sorry, I left this sentence unfinished last night.)

Stranger things have happened, so if this ends with a GoFundMe to replace Tiki’s beater Plymouth with something newer so he can get his sister to school on time, then I’m cool with it. Sorry to keep y’all waiting on today’s post.

 

 

October 18, 2018

A Funny Thing Happened To Me On The Way To Gil’s Office

Filed under: actual action, football, freak feet, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 4:05 pm

101818

“Something appealing

Something appalling

Something for EVERYONE

A comedy tonight”

 

Oh, this isn’t “A Funny Thing Happened  On The Way To The Forum”. I was confused for a sec. When I saw those Roman Colosseum seats in P1, I was led astray. And while I’m being led down the Wide Path to Destruction, it occured to me that it really wouldn’t be a good idea to lug Orville Redenbacher’s Jumbo Popcorn and 26 bottles of Canada Dry Ginger Ale and 37 cups of Coca-Cola and 15 boxes of M & M’s Peanut up Mount Everest. You might want to have that all airlifted if you plan on sitting in the top row to watch Milford get thrown to the lions.

And do you old-timers (like moi) or even movie watchers in toto (like Bolek and his munchkins) remember that Roman guard in the same movie who was the biggest bully this side of Pug and his Uglies? What instigated the misunderstanding was the Miles Gloriosus pose Tiki is displaying in P1. Well, I suppose there isn’t any distinction between being out of your element by assuming the role of a cornerback-nee-kicker and  consequently getting bummed out from interfering with the receiver, the shot of the play appearing to be a good call so he can’t blame the zebras (not the ones in Marty’s condo in Mudlark Lake Resort to avert any further consternation) and his heartbreak over the loss of Philia, sort of the Juliet in the movie (Although the death was staged in the movie although you could really say that for this plot, really not much difference BETWEEN the movie and this plot thus far when the final penalty flag lands to the ground) , grabbing his helmet in a state of mourning over the loss of Philia/getting a flag thrown on him that decides the game although it’s hard for me to imagine his singing a dirge for the penalty like he did for Philia in the movie. But stranger things have happened. Just don’t throw your mouthpiece out in the woods, Miles. Philia would have wanted you to exert self-control. Not worth it.

THEN I didn’t see Buster Keaton running out of the poplars onto the field to do a Franco Harris Miracle Run so I knew this was Thorpiverse. Unfortunately. Buster was more entertaining.

 

I would LOVE to give a shout-out to Delisa English of Louisville, Kentucky. She is bubbly and vivacious and though confined to a wheelchair, her spirit, her will, her determination, her intelligence, and her love of life know no bounds. She went to a job-finding agency to show she can still cut it in the workaday world. SHE CAN cut it, gang, and she has my blessing to pursue her dreams along the way. Delisa, you deserve to be recognized because you represent America. Can-do lives on, thanks to you.

 

Because I am unclear on the concept when I saw a restaurant this past week displaying as part of its logo “Scratch Kitchen”, I will enlighten myself by exploring a couple of  (or more) possibilities.

At the Milford Clay Oven, The Taste of the Himalayas, Scratched to your Satisfaction

Gil complains to the manager

“The chicken in this Chicken Tikka Masala wasn’t scratched sufficiently. It tastes like a Goodrich tire. At least a Goodyear tire has more texture.And the kiddie fries from the Children’s Menu barely got scraped. How many times did you say you sent them through the nutmeg grinder?”

“Gil, did you mention that the Vegetable Korma weren’t massaged properly?”

“You bet I did, Mimi. I told him the Lima beans didn’t have enough scratch marks like a an old 45 “Elvis Presley-Burnin’ Love” when you and the kids were in the Clay Oven Playland.”

 

If ya complain to management at the Milford Fazoli’s that the kitchen crew didn’t apply enough deer rub in the deer meat when ya wuz chowin’ down The Sampler (spaghetti, lasagna, eggplant doe alfredo), ya might be a redneck.

 

And I am REALLY unclear on those helmets in P2. Since the plot has been executing more dancing than football, I know for a fact that the kicker is not only kicking the football (Buster Keaton out in the woods somewhere to retrieve the ball and thereby do some more running) but kicking up his cleats, er, heels to “Skip to my Lou, My Darling”. Okay, THAT out of the way, IS THAT REALLY A ‘J’ on the side of their of their helmet or the State of Louisiana? Well, we’ve solved one mystery after much debate over what state Milford is located. We’re making progress in geography if not in this plot. Maybe we oughta put a Rand-McNally Atlas under the Christmas tree to expedite things since Christmas might be the turning point of the plot.

Shout-out to Elaine Weisbard of St. Matthews, Kentucky, who has shown me that though she is legally blind, it has NOT stopped her from shopping, socializing with friends, and giving of herself to other people. She gave me some bananas the other day as a gesture of her kindness which she has extended to MANY people. She still lives in a house and manages the household with aplomb and skill. She has done the right thing and it shows. I salute you, Elaine.

 

At The Bucket “Where Scratching is our Business”

“This Bucket Triple Decker Cheese Burger IS made from scratch. Do you want to see the cows in the back of the restaurant? There’s a semi from that farm delivering more Angus cows at our delivery dock. You never heard of Roadway?”

One possibility I ruled out

“Sir, I’m sorry, the grill cook has psoriasis BIG TIME. Would you want another Livercheese Burger?”

“Uhhhhhhh, no, quite all right. We’ll just head down to Denny’s”

 

Marty, finishing spraying the fire extinguisher to a couple of passengers on the Milford Transit Authority mini-bus

“Mr. Moon, we wanted the heat turned on but “Extra Lake of Fire” was a bit much.”

Thanks to Luther Gideon and Mary Simpson, both of Jeffersontown, Kentucky for the above idea. I hope and pray you are doing well. Both of you mean A LOT to me.

 

Last BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST is P3. Gang, when my nephew was in a batting slump for his high school team, he NEVER got called down to the Principal’s office. Didn’t get Due-Processed if he ran through the 3rd base coach’s sign, didn’t serve In-School Suspension if he dropped the ball with the game on the line.

So what the Hell is Tiki doing in Gil’s office? Hard to imagine they’ll be talking about conjugating “Etre” in French (“Now repeat after me, Je suis, Tu es, …”) .

Over the intercom in Tiki’s Intro Auto Mechanics class, xylophone serving as the prep signal

“Mr. Shop Teacher?”

“Yesssssss?”

“Is Tiki Jensen there?”

“Yes, he is.”

“Would you send him down to Gil’s office over that fuck-up that cost the game?”

“He’s in the middle of a test. I’ll send him down after that.”

“Thank you.”

 

And what’s up with these dark figures in the background. Are they going to stage a sit-down protest if Tiki gets the paddle? Gil, at least go get Kaz as a witness so that proper procedure is followed. We really don’t want any “Gil Must Go!!!!!!!!!!” rallies in the front of the gym.

Or maybe Tiki is being burned in effigy. Yeah, that’s it.

 

 

All righty then. Based on my approval for  robmize’s analysis of the newly-introduced characters in the plot 1-2 weeks ago, especially the so-called kickers, I thought I would try to round this thing up in a synopsis to bring sense to it all.

And what better way than with a POP QUIZ, oh, you know, I’ve beaten this in the ground, I’ll admit, but one that is UNEXPECTED, an unfavorite pasttime of a student who thinks that no way will Professor Kingsfield will Pearl Harbor us with a 1000-point quiz after the student has been scuba-diving in Mudlark Lake all day long and up to the wee hours of the morning to go trout-fishing with a Sports Illustrated Bikini Model of the Year. Talk about the spider feasting on the fly.

HOWEVER, YOU, gang are the fly (or flies) in this case and I’m going to enjoy the Hell out of wearing that Bozo the Clown bow tie that Kingsfield always wears while I deliver to you on your desk, along with Spicoli’s pizza, a short pop quiz. Now, if you’ve been paying attention and taking notes the past 2-3 weeks, the pop quiz should be easier than combing Kaz’s hair as long as you don’t utilize a rake. And #2 pencils only. You may begin.

 

Matching

A) Tiki

____ A generic teacher who warns the students

a semester ahead of time that there will

be a pop quiz by the time the next sequel

“Gil and Mimi Get Brainwashed on the

Planet of the Apes” is released at the

Milford Cineplex. His great-great

grandfather was killed in the Little Big

Horn ambush when he gave the order to

smoke signal “You may fire when ready,

Sitting Bull”.

B) Tiki’s sister

____ America’s favorite movie critic and

kicker. He has proven you can kick and

chew Mike and Ike Cherry Drops at the

same time while slumbering through

“Gone With The Wind”. Mad at Coach

Thorp  when Thorp took his kids out of

the theater right before Sherman’s March

to Atlanta so that they could get to

Milford Go-Kart Extravaganza before it

closed and drive on the reputed longest

track in the world or the horse-guided

kiddie track.

C) Joe Bolek

____  A guy who sells used cars at the Milford

Auto Auction and kicks on the weekend

for the Mudlarks and the semi-pro team,

Milford United on the weekend in his

leisure time.

D) Mr. Hand-Professor Kingsfield-Mr. Price

____  Groupies who have really added nothing

to the plot and are really nothing more

than celebrated supernumeraries. Look

at them as those ugly gremlins in

“Phantasm” alongside the Lurch-like

man toting that Gil’s coffin down the

street and you’ll see the correlation. One

groupie’s dad was in the middle level of

the pile at The Who concert in Cincinnati.

E) Joe Bolek’s friends

_____  A female who is not only nameless but

we haven’t even SEEN yet. I think the

state penitentiary is holding her over

another week until her credit record is

cleared. Then the Parole Board will

stamp “Approved” for her and Red so

that they can wend their way down to

Mexico and build an ocean liner.

Did you ace it? Do you think you might have missed one? Never fear, unlike Kingsfield who can be such a dick about these things, I am offering extra credit to make your score a perfect speciman or even turn up the fire if you’ve been studying. Good study habits are essential if you want to pass the Board scores for Milford Community College.

Anyway, have at it. What have you got to lose?

F) Marty Moon

_____  A lady who appears occasionally to break

the monotony (the TWIM staff and readers

finishing the job), and one of these days,

she will get married to God knows whom,

maybe someone off Craig’s List filed under

“desperate.” Elvis is dead, so is Frankie,

and the latest report confirms she is in a

casual relationship with Moe the

Bartender

G) Peaches

_____  A low-down snake and vermin, with slime

added to the mix, related two generations

back to Sabrina’s ghoulies who has been

Gil’s tormentor and evil twin Dutch evil

twin since the advent of the Atomic Age.

He possesses the mouth of a city sewer,

has brains at a comparable level, plus a

goatee, confirming he never outgrew his

’50’s Beatnik days. When he was a cub

reporter for The Mudlarkian, 1st Period

Journalism class, writing scores and

commentary for Gil’s bowling prowess

(boy o boy) , Gil was the star and captain

of the squad. Principal Ek, BTW, was the

co-captain.

How did you do? All perfect scores and beyond will receive a coupon good for a Bucket Fulla Lasagna and Succotash and must be redeemed by the end of the month. For a dollar extra, add tater tots and a medium drink.

Gang, fire away. I need to get in shape so I’m gonna help Buster go get some footballs. We both just gotta watch the poison ivy around a couple of ’em.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Sues Milford Clay Oven, The Taste of the Himalayas, Concerning Overdone Lamb In His Lamb Tikka Kebab Happy Meal!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub head line

“Man, all that scratchin’ that lamb meat on some Clydesdale’s ass gave me the runs bad.”

 

As the Thorps go to the cash register to pay for their food

“Was everything OK?”

“I’ve had better Tandoori Chicken Salad scratched on a rubber chicken!!!!!!!!”

“Gil!!!!!!!!!”

September 28, 2018

Yeah I’ve seen ‘Dumb and Dumber’ too.

Every time you think you’ve seen it all in this strip, you get the next storyline and its even more hare-brained then the last one. After having tryouts, practices, summer camps, 7-on-7 drills, cuts, final rosters made, and games played, we have Kaz searching the hallways for a PUNTER.

I believe my high school team has played 5 games, and is playing game 6 tonight. Of course Milford is a month behind, but now is a fine time to be looking for a damn punter. Where the hell was this conversation when Gil said they had 2 problems and 1 solution? Oh why not wait til you let 2 games go down the tubes, then instead of finding a punter yourself, ask one of the kids who can kick? I mean, really.

Who knows what movie Joe is talking about, but my guess is Dumb and Dumber. Describes the Milford coaching staff to a T. Kaz is the latter.

Older Posts »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.