This Week in Milford

July 8, 2020

Mimi Thorp: Guaranteed to Satisfy

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While I was flat on my back in hospital this past weekend I did manage to keep up with the shenanigans at Milford Town Park, where the Milford – Valley Modified baseball game turned first into a rout then into a pukefest picnic. First the game was interrupted by pizza and drinks, then with a giant sub in the porniest way possible then, finally, with a visit from an ice cream truck with a name straight out of a Cheech and Chong movie and looking like it’s staffed by two Kazakhs and a bear.

As disgustingly as that whole scene played out, it pales in comparison to the victory lap these three mooks are taking in the Milford teacher’s teachers’ lounge. Nice to know that Gil, Kaz and Rooney feel as though buying the Dead End Kids some grub can assuage their guilt over not standing up for The Mayor when he needed it most, effectively screwing up his life for the forseeable future… or have they? What’s this mysterious email Gil’s referring to? Will it help Mike Knappe overcome the stigma of violating a draconian zero-tolerance policy for which none of his teachers or coaches stood up in opposition?

Who knows? All they care about is trying to figure out who sent the ice cream truck to Town Park. Hunkered down with a Popsicle® and a knowing smile, Mimi breaks the fourth wall. She must’ve been the one who stopped Uncle Bud as he was passing by.

 

June 6, 2020

You’re Killin’ Me, Schuring!

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In the crapfest that has been this spring arc, finally a strip that delivers. Major hallmarks of a classic (and I use that term very loosely) Rubin & Whigham Gil Thorp are present: walking and talking, Milford High’s Prairie Style windows, wildly gesticulating hands, and a preachy, sarcastic Gil (let’s face it, sarcastic Gil is best Gil) getting to play the voice of reason.

Interesting that Gilberto is all about the liability today. Has he been on the horn to Hadley V. Baxendale lately? Couldn’t have been to the Knappes’ weaksauce lawyer. He is, however, well versed in the absurd. Let’s recap a bit of what’s gone on under his watch over the past year:

Said Hadley browbeat the school board into enrolling a kid who doesn’t live in the district.

A member of said browbeaten school board, having failed to keep the kid out of Milford, redirects his energy to a smear campaign against another player in an effort to win his stepson’s love and some playing time. That campaign turned on said school board member improperly accessing the other player’s school records. Granted, said school board member got the boot, but how was he able to get access to begin with?

As part of a strategy to improve her offensive output on the basketball court, a let basketball center is allowed to shove other students around in the library and hallways without consequence either to her or to the kids who suggested she do so.

Meanwhile, a miscreant student harboring an old grudge tries to railroad the two best students in the senior class with the old “give ’em a copy of the old exam” trick. It fails, with only minor consequences for the miscreant.

That brings us to Butterknifegate and the present situation. Gil’s a cog in the wheel of the system when he wants to be, or can’t be bothered otherwise. Let’s not dwell on how this idiocy is to be resolved; rather, let’s just pause for a moment to soak in the details and appreciate them at face value. BTW Gil, we hear there’s always a party at your house while you’re on the road. Ever notice that the Milford boys’ and girls’ teams never travel together? Yeah, so has Mimi.

May 20, 2020

“Pardon My Funk” Is…

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a) The title of a lost George Clinton album

b) The tag line for an Old Spice deodorant ad campaign

c) An awkward way to rebut your handsy, unhelpful ex-coach’s unsolicited advice

Seriously, Mike needs to tell Gil to:

 

Gil’s rebuttal takes its own funky form, in so many words:

 

This is inspiring? And what’s with the sudden exposition that Mike already had a college acceptance in the bag? Gil’s little visit just became even more unnecessary.

Now move along, Captain Obvious, and let Mike walk off into the sunset by… wait, what? There’s still a good month and a half left in the spring arc. There’s still baseball left to play. Softball, too. Remember, it was Lady Mudlark success that led The Mayor to a life of crime. Come on, Rubin! Less Mary Worth, more Jayson Werth, IYKWIMAITYD.

May 13, 2020

Dead Horse: Beaten.

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For the third straight day we’re told that The Mayor has been expelled. Now it’s time for that news to spread throughout Milford and into the Valley.

Gil’s little “I know” and $1.98 will buy The Mayor a cup of coffee at Swifti Mart on his way out of town. I suppose that’s some kind of foreshadowing of Gil testifying on his behalf when this goes to trial, or not. A quick search (which I’m not gonna link to, sorry) shows me that successful challenges of school zero-tolerance policies as arbitrary or capricious, violative of due process, or discriminatory are few and far between but not nonexistent. Imagine if the Knappes win on the merits: The Mayor gets reinstated at Milford High, the Knappes get their attorney’s fees plus damages, Milford school and property taxes go up to cover the costs, Marty Moon never lets Milford hear the end of it, somebody’s head rolls… will that be enough to keep Gildeaux’s mouth shut?

Onto the diamond where the Mudlarks are trying out their new practice jerseys with glow-in-the-dark numbers. Gil gets vague and Kaz gets pissy, probably because he forgot to put his earrings on today. Kaz-bot may be breaking the fourth wall to render an opinion on modern society here.

May 9, 2020

The Bucks Don’t Stop Here

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Today’s strip doesn’t really advance the plot very much. Dr. Pearl repeats herself from yesterday. Unless he put his shirt on backwards today, Mike has an owl-like ability to turn his head in an attempt to make eye contact with Gil, who has already strapped on his thousand-yard stare. In Gil’s mind he can already hear the ice clinking in Mimi’s pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea and the plaintive calls of preteens asking him to watch them putt.

Yes, the adults have done their jobs in true Kurt Waldheim-just-following-orders fashion, in the process giving Gil a ready-made scapegoat for his under-performing baseball team. As for Dr. Pearl, well, the girl can’t help it.

 

I’ll spare you the legwork of trying to find out if art imitates life or vice versa; the GoComics comments on today’s strip link to several articles describing the very situation The Mayor finds himself in today. If this is Rubin’s way of rehabilitating another one of his extroverted attention-whoring Mudlark kids, he’s sure going about it in a weird way.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to pour one out for Mr. Penniman.

May 6, 2020

From hero to zero quicker than you can say “Um… sure.”

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So, yeah, this did turn out to be about the kind of idiot that brings a knife and a jar of peanut butter into a classroom. Mike didn’t bring the butter knife to try out for the Milford High Drama Club’s presentation of Sweeney Todd, we know that much. Neither did he get it from the MHS cafeteria; it only serves gruel finger foods that don’t require cutting.

Now it’s time for a trip down the corridors of zero tolerance, led not by the passive-aggressive snitch Rooney who got the ball rolling but by Gildeaux and his Hamburger Helper helping hand oven mitt. If I’m The-Soon-to-be-recalled-Mayor I’m telling Mister Coach Thorp to take that mitt off me and get on the Hadley V. Baxendale hot line, stat. She works wonders at getting kids around school regulations, or so I’ve heard. She’s also probably tired of sheltering in place with Jaquan Case, whose NBA season has been suspended.

If only the Thorpiverse’s Michigan reflected today’s reality Michigan. Forget the butter knife and Nutso; Knappe could probably show up on campus in his best Blain’s Farm & Fleet camo toting an AR-15 and not only not get in trouble but get called “a very good person” in the process. (Yeah, I went there. – t)

 

 

 

March 24, 2020

“If You’ll Throw In The Shadow People Singing ‘Pomp And Circumstance’ A Cappella, You Got A Deal”

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In the halls and in the gym

Everywhere

Cafeteria and rooms so dim

God, I swear

Always grace the scene on a whim

The silhouettes, I declare

 

They sit and stare

They

Sit

And

Stare

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Come to bear

 

We should have known better than to assume that Thorpiverse was going to wrap this up any time soon. Like, what was Mrs. Brown Haired Counselor going to do, shoot Alexa cold dead with a Magnum and award Valedictorian to Chris by default? Gotta hand it to Thorpiverse. Cut that Gordian Knot and get baseball started sometime this week. Wouldn’t put it past Thorpiverse, but no, odds are this’ll get dragged out to The Bitter End. Being a Husker Du fan, they had a CD called The Living End. Both concepts have one song in common. It’s Not Funny Anymore. Put the gun away, ma’am, and let us continue to our exercise in boredom.

You would assume that Gil is getting the field ready for baseball, ditto Mimi in softball. I’d hate to know Gil is under the desk eavesdropping and making sure things are kosher. Wouldn’t want another Teddy incident. If you want to report to Dr. File Cabinet Instead of a Grandfather Clock in her Living Room Pearl that there is no need to flunk out and suspend an honor student for academic dirty pool, you gotta lay low behind the hydrangea plant and ensure academia is on the level. No more hot SAT booklets sold over the border for drugs and cash. Milford High School has an image to protect.

And once this scenario FINALLY lays to rest, there’ll be Gil at the ball park with his Milford jacket and cap on. Like he’s been sitting in the dugout for days, waiting for the cameras to roll. Then he’ll recite all the players he has coming back. Thank God this strip is alloted 3 panels. We’d be subjected to a listing of the players strengths and weakness, plus who can line the field when he isn’t pitching on a piece of paper he obtained from a Snickers wrapper that was in the trash can that Luhm failed to dump thoroughly. Mimi does the same thing but she usually buys steno pads to bore us to tears.

We still have to get through Chris and Alexa and based upon the streak that seems to be an omen, baseball or softball won’t start tomorrow. They still have to discuss why that streak always shows up whenever there’s controversy in academics. Never in athletics. When did you EVER see that streak on the gridiron or the basketball court or the badminton arena? 10-team Mudlark Wrestling All-Comers Classic? Nope, the streak won’t appear on the mat.

So we patiently wait for Chris or Alexa to pull the Windex out of his or her pocket while poring over the small stuff relating to academics. All in good time. I hope Gil’s cap doesn’t get wet. You know about this fickle weather in March. Hell on a guy sleeping in the dugout.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Chris Pops The Question In High School Cafeteria!!!!!!!! Sketches Proposal With Bowie Knife On Picnic Table!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J. : ‘This ceremony is happening over my dead body.”

 

“Really, I suggested killing the plot a month ago. Nobody told you?”

 

They dress like The Blob or Siamese Twins

Black as gold

Threaten to eat all and next of kin

They’re so bold

Mimi and Gil better take a spin

Silhouettes never grow old

 

That’s what I’m told

That’s

What

I’m

Told

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Never grow old

 

Oh great. We COULD be stumbling into baseball or softball, depending which one drones on the best for, oh, 4 months, but NOOOOOOO we have to get sidetracked by The Lake House. Yeah, like Keanu Reeves, we’re about 2 years behind on things. Chris ought to be getting the grade he received on his Advanced Chem final from Harvard any day. And Alexa will get the MVP Award after leading UConn to the National Championship in Women’s Basketball. The trophy ought to be delivered to her house by Milford UPS right on schedule. I understand Coach Auriemma mailed her a letter begging her to stay another year. Good forwards are hard to come by. And to think, all this backward history can be traced (pardon the ignoble pun) to Mimi teaching her that grades are like points, nobody’s going to give you free cars or $100 handshakes if neither one is very high. And that’s assuming you’ll even get a scholarship.

 

“…this is the way it should be for lovers

They shouldn’t go it alone, oh no…”

Then with Chris delivering about the lamest confession in quite some time, going by Thorpiverse years, is that Paul McCartney’s “This Never Happened Before” playing over the cafeteria speakers? I’ll know for sure when I see two or more cafeteria ladies start to slow-dance with each other and get all kissy-faced. The Lake House had that effect. We presume this is NOT going to happen between Chris and Alexa. Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are simply going to negotiate co-Valedictorian terms and leave The Lake House for Marty and Peaches. They put their deposit in 2 years ago, Chris and Alexa better wrap this up.

“Ohhhh, Melba (kiss, kiss) I’m so sorry for saying you stack the Hostess Twinkies on the rack (kiss, kiss) like dirty Holiday Inn towels…”

“And Rayette, I’m sorry (kiss, kiss) if I told you you cook the pork fritters (kiss, kiss) in a bowl of Pennzoil…”

THIS NEVER HAPPENED BEFFFFOOOOORRRREEEE

 

If yore waitin’ for yore high-powered Winschester with sights that could knock a bobby pin offa Gil’s hair that ya ordered 2 years ago frum Milford Guns and Ammo cuz they didn’t have it in stock and yore still waitin’ another 6 months for the plot and the bullets to come ’round so yuz kin do some huntin’ in tha woods behind Gil’s Pure Pork Sausage plant, ya might be a redneck.

 

“…and now I seeeee

This is the way it’s supposed to be…”

 

“Whhheeewwweeee, it’s getting cold. This aluminum bench is Hell to sleep on. Better get another jacket out of the trunk. I hope Mimi stuck that leftover On-Cor Boneless Grilled Steaks in the oven when I come home tomorrow morning. War is Hell.”

 

“…so come to me

Now we can be what we want to be…”

This Paul McCartney Romantic Moment is brought to you the new movie “Bill Nye The Science Guy: Teaching The Periodic Table in Milford High Freshman Chemistry.” What could have been a magical moment and had been the second coming of Keanu and Sandra and thereby salvaged a lackluster basketball season plunged in the salvage itself.

We are forced to whip out our calculators and watch romance morph into a trig table. Not that I, or anyone else for that matter, was really expecting Chris and Alexa to kissy-face like the cafeteria ladies, er, Keanu and Sandra. If it WERE to occur, Keanu and Sandra would have to detour to MIT.

“And if you use standard deviation, you’ll find my love for you isn’t wavering all that much. It was never in Ms. Rizk’s typewriter having no life…”

“Oh, Keanu, the fact that we are just points from each other, well, like Springsteen

“Two hearts are better than one

Two hearts, girl, get the job done”

“Atta way to use the FOIL method on our relationship, Sandra. We’ll be trinomials by the time baseball gets around. We’ll have little polynomials running around The Lake House”

“The stork ought to be delivering our polynomials anytime. Remember that time when we learning natural logs together two years ago?”

 

The scriptwriter for The Lake House that graduated from Rose-Hulman got fired. He’s now writing Trigonometry Today textbooks for the Valley Conference High Schools.

 

Lumped like coal and having no name

Anonymous

Walking in stride, the gait’s the same

Synchronous

Makes a tarantula look tame

In the woods, they’d be wild game

Seeking to maim

 

Seeking

To

Maim

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

They all look the same

 

ALL

LOOK

THE

SAME

 

And under the category of Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, that thing on the wall in the cafeteria in P3 can simply be nothing other than a heating unit. We gotta keep The Blob alive somehow. Keep that damn thing under a heat lamp if you want it to terrorize the city of Milford when the dismissal bell rings. DON’T leave it out in the dugout with Gil waiting for the baseball plot to start. The Blob could turn into The Flop by the time we get to Memorial Day.

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Karen Ferguson-Dayes, the Women’s Soccer Coach for University of Louisville. She was a multiple All-All-American for University of Connecticut back in the early ’90’s as a sweeper and a midfielder. She eventually wound up in the current position just mentioned. Her no-nonsense style has enabled the Cardinals to participate in several NCAA post-season runs, and some deep runs at that. I remember when a reporter asked how she was going to prepare for a major opponent and she, knowing there was ANOTHER opponent to play before that, reminded the reporter “Excuse me, we play THIS team FIRST!!!!!!” Don’t overlook ANY opponent. Spoken like a true coach. Then, one night, playing a team that was employing dirty tactics, she still insisted that her team still stick with the Game Plan. How you play the game, win, lose, or draw. Starting out 1-18, her 182-162 record at Louisville speaks for itself. Join me in saluting a person who keeps competing and has won that way, on and off the field.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Marty Moon if finds his manhood under the bunk bed at Mudlark Lake Resort while Peaches heads to the fridge for a Yoplait after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

At The Lake House

“…I met you and now I see

This is the way it should be…”

 

“Ohhhhhh, that is so romantic. The Beatles sure know how to get a girl going. They don’t make ’em like they used to.”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Go away, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!!!!”

“But Honey, weren’t we going for a midnight swim? I’m kinda horny and I’d LOVE for you to do a cannonball on meeeeeee!!!!!!!”

“I called Keanu Reeves and he said there’s still sharks swimming around when he was rentin’ it. I ain’t gonna have my Significant Other bitten off by Jaws.”

“Darling, it’s a freshwater lake.”

“Bloopie, bloopie, it’s got all kind of algae in it. That causes my Significant Other to attract scum. I don’t want to go skinny-dipping with a green weenie. What would the neighbors think? Plus, it breeds that Coronavirus they’re talking about in the news. The boogeyman or the Algae from Hell won’t come in here. I got the bathroom dead-bolted.”

Heard somewhere from the septic tank outside

“…So jump on me

This is the way love’s supposed to be…”

“Honey, you can’t quarantine yourself just because pond scum breeds a little out of control. You can jump on me out in the middle of the lake. We’ll have life preservers and you can jump off the raft and take on me.”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!! I microwaved my toothbrush and made sure I spit out thoroughly when I spit out my Colgate. That Coronavirus will go down the drain faster than stink beating the virus on shit.”

“How are you going to eat?”

“I bought a lot of Rice-a-Roni and stuck it under the bathroom sink. I can use the sink to boil water. I’ll have the 4-Cheese Rice-a-Roni tonight. No Coronavirus will get past these doors and land on my bill of fare.”

“If you can’t land on me because Coronavirus has landed on your Significant Other, let me know.”

 

“She had me there. And we were paying good money to rent out The Lake House and not doing any more than Captain Kangaroo would do with Mr. Moose. With treatment programs that work, don’t YOU want to hear Paul McCartney in the background while gettin’ it on in the lake? No wonder why they call it The Lake House. House of Fun to me. Come down to the Milford Men’s Clinic and jump on in, the water’s fine.”

 

Get after it, Gang. You are the world to me. Just be careful, The Blob was last seen in your neck of the woods.

 

“…this is the way it should be for lovers

They shouldn’t go it alone, oh no…”

 

Gil entering Dr. Pearl’s office

 

“I just received Schuring’s 4th-grade test scores and there was no indication of foul play, he’s good for Stanford and-er, what are you doing hugging your coat rack?”

 

“…It’s not so good when you’re on your own

(Kissy, Kissy, Kissy)

So come to me…”

 

“And Harrieta, I’m sorry if I said you mop with Pine-Sol and Tequila Sunrise.”

 

March 17, 2020

It’s As Plain As The Stubs On Your Face.

Filed under: Dr. Pearl, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 5:38 am

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We FINALLY get to the end of this kangaroo court even though P3 is leaving an opening wide enough for a Mack truck to drag us down another 8 weeks before we get to baseball. We THINK Gil is talking about suspending Teddy but anybody who’s been tailing this more than Friday and Gannon know not to hold your breath. Even with legitimate witnesses and an investigation that should have never been an investigation, there’s evidence to suggest Gil might be talking about Chris. We won’t know until tomorrow and it’s a crock anyway you choose it. As Yogi Berra once said, if you see a fork in the road, take it. I just don’t want the fork. Especially when, after being promised a filet mignon, I am forced to use that fork on a Banquet TV Dinner. Frozen meat loaf with pocket-sized mashed potatoes and a brownie that’s an art exhibit after taking it out of the microwave, no thank you. I’ll take my plastic fork and try to pry some of the blackheads off Teddy’s face.

Gil, before we go any further, I have a piece of sandpaper that I obtained out of Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet that ought to remove those stains that Teddy is afflicted with. I figure that as long as removing the stains you COULDN’T see, i.e., Teddy’s snaky ethics and dirtball intentions, was not high on your priority list that we might as well clean up SOMETHING. You couldn’t wipe up Teddy’s slime with a Bounty towel. No quick picker-upper When Teddy Met Chrissy.

And what’s this “Prove it”? We are required by law to look under Dr. Pearl’s desk and in her purse and in her wig for documentation, comb the Milford Public Library and ask everybody from the Milford Public Library CEO to the Milford Public Library Board of Directors to the Milford Public Library Director of Annual Giving, The Milford Public Library Lead Book Stacker in charge of Western Fiction, the Milford Public Library Union Steward (safer working conditions, no lifting of Mad Magazine boxes heavier than 70 lbs., coffee breaks with donuts and free Elmore Leonard reading materials after working 4 hours) , on down to the sanitation engineer (gotta keep the Ellery Queen Magazine stacks sterile) , consult with the students from Alexa and Phoebe to Greg and Peter and Bobby and Marcia and Jan and Cindy, throw in Beaver and Lumpy and Dobie Gillis and Maynard P. Krebs to ask if they noted any foul play (the PSAT test taker sitting next to you has sometimes wound up in a plastic bag in a ditch behind the school) ,call (collect) the SAT Review Board, the PSAT Testing Committee, the LSAT Steering Committee (as in “if you want this plot to drag on another month, form a committee”) , the AP Calculus II Test Booklet District Manager, and the Proctor in Charge of Distribution of #2 Pencils at the Milford High School Gymnasium for test scores to solidify evidence that Chris could perform quadratic equations without using multiplication tables, all to ensure that Chris, an Honor student with no history and plenty of the future ahead of him, is on the the level and when we FINALLY see light at the end of the tunnel, a tunnel we should have never taken, we have to backtrack that same tunnel while using Habeas Corpus on behalf of Teddy? Gil and Dr. Pearl, THIS IS SCHOOL. Anybody who disrupts the educational process, SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN DOCUMENTED SIGNIFICANTLY IN TEDDY’S CASE deserves to be due-processed. What’s next, he’s entitled to one phone call and a free meal from the Milford Salvation Army kitchen? A trip to the mall so we can pick out his prison outfit? He wears an extra large and throw in a razor. That actually has blades. Call Perry Mason. He’s been known to acquit the impossible.

Because I don’t really know why ANYBODY would lick a toilet to prove a point about coronavirus

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Teddy DeMarco Arraigned In Court After Incident In Dr. Pearl’s Personal Water Closet!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“She wears the nastiest dentures. Still had Snickers stains on them. They looked tacky on top of her Ban Roll-On.”

 

Dr. Pearl, do you always bury your head in the file cabinet? I mean, Gang, when was the last time you EVER caught her at a sporting event? She’s like Ms. Rizk, perpetually glued to her room. There were eyewitness reports that she was seen throwing out the first pitch when Joe Tinker, Johnny Evers, and Frank Chance were playing for the Cubs. Beat the Pirates in a rout. She declined cutting the ribbon when they opened up Fenway. I couldn’t imagine her eating popcorn and downin’ a Bud by the Green Monster anyway. At least Granny Clampett stepped out of the swamp to move to Beverly Hills. Dr. Pearl, I hope that’s not cow manure you’re stepping on when you’re filing away the Sophomore PE Final Bell Curve Report 1984.

“Dr. Pearl, I have a lug wrench in my trunk. Your head ought to be out of the second shelf in no time.”

“No, that’s okay, Gil. Sometimes my bee hive gets caught on the shelf tracking when I’m storing Junior Class Betting Forms. There’s a screw loose under the shelf above it. One flick of the wrist with the bobby pin and I’m free as a bird.”

“Sure you don’t want Barr’s Leeks to pry you loose?”

“No, it’ll mess up the coloring in my hair and I have a Valley Conference Administrator’s Summit tonight at 8.”

 

If ya file away yore marriage licence of all the in-laws ya done got hitched to, even the ones ya pur-formed without the services of a shotgun, ya might be a redneck.

 

And what do you mean GRIND? Like that came as a surprise? Gil, once you and Dr. Pearl extricate your heads from the sink in Dr. Pearl’s WC, you’ll find out that Chris studies and works hard and minds his own business. Unlike Teddy who’s a total jerk and already has a history on him. Dr. Pearl, I’m surprised you didn’t locate his record as long as your head’s been implanted between Teacher Evaluation Reports and Yearly School Bus Schedule. You and Gil ought to try Liquid Plumber. The stuff does wonders.

BTW, can I pluck one of your Hershey Bars off the wall? All this castigating worked up an appetite.

 

Coach Kaz enters Dr. Pearl’s hole after a Geography Teacher Enrichment Seminar at Westview High (“How do you get Funky Winkerbean to memorize the county seats of Rhode Island? Well, B. F. Skinner conducted a study…”) , home of the Fightin’ Scapegoats

“Dr. Pearl, watcha grillin’? Jalapeno Hamburgers? Pork rinds? London broil? Roundhouse steak? Gil Thorp Pure Pork Italian Sausage? Did you remember to marinade the burgers with A-1? It’s got a little Jack in the bottle but-”

“Oh, that streak in the window?”

 

But I think a suspension is in order. (Banging head) Oh, I forgot to tell you, Gang, I was talking about the plot. I forgot we’re flipping a coin between Teddy and Chris.

While Luhm is implementing a crowbar to un-jackknife Dr. Pearl’s from the left-hand drawer at her desk

“Okay, Dr. Pearl, heads it’s Chris, tails it’s Teddy. Call it.”

“Heads.”

Coin rolls along the floor, bumping into Dr. Pearl’s pump and falling flat. Luhm makes the call

“Heads. Chris gets In-School for book-grinding for 2 weeks.”

“Uh, how’ bout 2 out of 3, Dr. Pearl?”

 

I think you get the message, Gang. Now to see who wins the coin flip tomorrow.

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Dionne Warwick. I just melt when I hear her music. A six-time Grammy winner including hits like “Do You Know The Way to San Jose?” and “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”, she was able to perform and still raise her kids. The minute the show was done, she caught the red-eye flight home to be with her family. And she has two sons heavily involved in the music industry to show for it. Many people don’t know that her real last name is “Warrick”. A printing error while records were on the assembly line prompted her to keep the new name as she felt it was catchy. No argument here. A giving person, she was nominated for Goodwill Ambassador for the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations. She is well-respected by her colleagues, including The Beatles and Elton John. Please join me in saluting a woman who’s one of the greatest female vocalists of all time.

 

“We’ll be back to see which gets yanked out first, the dead oak tree stump on the Milford Public Library grounds or Dr. Pearl’s head in the water cooler at the faculty lounge at Milford High School on Milford Believe it or Not! Museum Hour after these messages. This is WDIG-TV”

 

“That could take some doing. A Drott hydraulic-powered bulldozer operating on all cylinders to rescue a damsel in distress from the water cooler kept me on the edge of my recliner. But I always liked a good mystery.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Here’s a deal you can pull out of the ground anytime and you don’t need to go the dentist to get it pulled. The good people at Milford Plumbing Solutions felt that the promotion with the toilets and booze combo went over so well that they are extending the promotion from now until the end of April. You still have time to replace that jalopy that won’t send the shit through the pipes faster than to your liking. And we’re talking top-of-the-line equipment. No commodes on consignment here.

Want the Broyhill Royal Flush Supreme? Man, I’m amazed at the low water consumption on this bad boy. How I could piss me a river and the fluid still remain clear on just a glass of water just flat-out boggled my mind. And the good news is, you can have this latest in pissing state-of-the-art technology for what you would write a check on your kids’ School Lunch at Milford Elementary plus two cases of Coors 24-Pak in the 12 ounce cans. Oh boy, if I can save a buck while taking a dump, I’ll head to the Mountain every time.

How ’bout the Ethan Allen ’76er Colonial Special? Doncha just want to take your mind off things in the same potty our Forefathers dumped in? And because it’s guaranteed clog-free, George Washington was Father of our Country in part because he never had to use a toilet plunger. For a Ben Franklin and a purchase of Maker’s Mark Whisky 1.75 L, you can sit and read Popular Mechanics on a throne Thomas Jefferson sat on. Makes me want to write an amendment to the Declaration of Independence.

Does the toilet seat have a mind of its own? Do you feel like a crocodile is snapping at you every time you encounter diarrhea and you make one too many trips to the Nile? No problemo. American Standard Premium Toilet uses a computer-based system for that slow close on that seat every time. And The Warehouse won’t charge you an arm or a leg. Just a swipe of your Milford Teachers Federal Credit Union credit card and a grocery cart full of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc Lo-Cal will have the delivery driver from Milford Plumbing Solutions installing your new-found toy faster than you can say “Don’t get the runs from Rice Chex”.

But don’t let my butt be the judge. Come see for yourself how The Good Life and toilets are not only not strange bedfellows but solid partners in keeping customers satisfied and constipation-free. Get your own butt down here and sit on these deals and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, thank you for your continued support. You mean the world to me.

Damn, Teddy, you ARE in front of a camera. At least use a dish towel.

 

“Do you have an open-end socket wrench?”

“3/8th or 7/16th?”

“Don’t matter. Long as I can turn so that it don’t strip the T-bolt, I’m good.”

“Probably gonna need a ball peen hammer. I got in my tool box in my truck. Don’t worry, Dr. Pearl, we’ll getcha loose from that cactus plant before your bridge tournament.”

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