This Week in Milford

July 15, 2020

Bizarre Love Triangles?


Oh, to be in the Valley in the summertime, where time stands still, no one wears a face mask and no one practices social distancing. How else could you get away with sticking your pointy finger up in the grill of someone you barely recognize? (Then again, if Milford is in Michigan, I understand that might be a thing there, and that’s all I have to say about that.) Is Corrina Corrina in town to hook up with Hiawatha or, better still, to pay a call on The Mayor before he leaves for State U? Either way it’s none of Phoebe’s damn business and she’d better ease up before Corrina sticks that finger somewhere else.

Quick cut to some eatery where a young man is being served a full breakfast without the benefit of a conspicuous knife. Who is this guy with Gil’s face and True Standish’s hair? Does he mind that the waitress’ thumb is in his egg? Will he end up a summer love interest for one of these girls, or is he here for some other duller and more contrived purpose? All will be revealed in time, maybe by the week before Labor Day.

May 16, 2020

Universal Copout


Gentle readers, have we ever heard of Valley Modified before today? I really wanted to work it into a song parody but it’s really late in the day and song parodies aren’t really my turf anymore.

Valley Mod
He’s a Valley Mod
Valley Mod
He’s a Valley Mod
Okay, fine
Fer sure, fer sure
He’s a Valley Mod
I ain’t got no more

No, instead I wanna focus on who appears to be yet another crappy lawyer in Milford. She must be with the same firm where Del Bader retained counsel. With that “you can’t beat City Hall” attitude, this stiff must be on the Milford School Board’s payroll .Hell, in my last post I alluded to the fact that there have been successful challenges to school zero-tolerance policies; here’s one from 2009, for example. Zero-tolerance policies are in retreat around the country, as there are studies that have found they don’t make schools safer and disproportionately single out students of color.  Hadley V. needs to come back to town and carve Dr. Pearl a new one. (See what I did there?)

The Mayor looks like he might be cooking up some ideas of his own. Behind those cracked knuckles lies the glare of a hardened criminal. Sure he’ll get a job – one like Martin Blank‘s.


May 15, 2020

Dont give up. Dont ever give up.

Ah, the words of Jimmie Valvano at the ESPYs when he was dying of cancer back in the 90’s. He wasnt one of my favorite coaches (and if you read the excellent book Personal Fouls you’ll see an even seedier side) but in the end he had everyones sympathy for his handling of terminal cancer that took his life way too soon.



Mike’s mom wants to fight the good fight for her son understandably, but the time frame for this is fuzzy. Its May 15. Im not sure what grade Mike is in, but if he’s a senior, forget it. Heck even if he’s a junior, by the time any court hears this and renders a positive decision, school will be out for summer.

So Mikes dad sees the lawyer and she recommends appealing to the school board. Why cant this be done without seeing her? Lawyers arent cheap you know. Besides wasting a panel (and God knows we’ve blown a shitload of them on repeating statements) all we get is a rehashing of facts already known. He meant no harm, and the schools policy is zero tolerance. Thank you sir may I have another.

So at this rate we may be in court all summer. Or at least til the 4th of July. By then I’ll be able to get a haircut in my state and even eat at a restaurant.

PROGRAM NOTE: I will be taking a long-overdue vacation next weekend camping and kayaking. So I’m leaving the Mayors whereabouts to whoever wants to fill in next Friday. See you all in 2 weeks.




May 14, 2020

Kids Flash Guitars Just Like #2 Pencils.


Gang, you’re gonna hate me but I had to insert another Springsteen dig, given the situation. Really, if that dude in P1 is threatening me with a welder’s pencil the way he would advertise Ban Roll-On Unscented or the present writing weapon on the screen, ain’t no way I’m not giving him all my lunch money. Just leave some change so I can purchase a Ho Ho. Energy food for afternoon Physics Lab.

Teenchy brought up yesterday breaking the Fourth Estate. If that Che Guevara wannabe isn’t looking through me as if I wasn’t there, he must be targeting some CIA agent out of the movie Topaz. Hitchcock comes to Milford, what a treat. Does Gil play one of the spies from the Commie side lying his way out of a paper bag? Par for the course. But do that for the OTHER side, Thorp, not while you’re flashing that MTV logo on your shirt like switchblades. And to think, The Mayor could get exonerated if that CIA agent can get on Cuban Airlines and wind up at Milford International with those photos he took of Bahia de los Cochinos or Bay of Pigs, if you need it translated in Gilspeak.


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Scares Off Burglar At His Condo With His Guitar He Received At Easter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“That punk took one look at my Barney Kessel Signature Gibson Special and he ran off towards the woods.”


Uh oh, looks like Thorpiverse is fomenting a rebellion in the hallways of Milford High School. Anytime you have Jiffy Pop Head’s brother and the ’70’s Burger King kid blindly devoted to a kid who threatens anybody who dares cross his path to the foreign language lab and brandishes the Papermate to show that he means business, you know La Revolucion del Mundo is just a Dr. Pearl perm away from going full bore. Can’t wait for the sequel.


If ya use a Flair Highlighter Yella ta poke out an 8-point’s eyeball during bow season, then use the same implement ta wipe yore butt in the gulley so that ya keep it proper, ya might be a redneck.


You old-timers can relate. It was that kid who said everything twice to apparently drive home the point that Whoppers were better than Big Mac’s. So the kid would say

“Double the meat

Double the meat”


“Great to eat

Great to eat”


“Zebras do better in bed than Gil

Zebras do better in bed than Gil”


As Bugs Bunny used to say, this means war. Boy o boy, The 4-Eyed Doppelganger Kid,  a kid whose related to Orville Redenbacher through his hairline, Elmer Fudd (gotta have the shotgun to hunt wabbits, Dr. Pearl, and the District Board, the latter two a little more difficult to hunt because neither live in wabbit holes) , Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, the Jets and the Sharks (“We’re gonna get her toniiiiiggghhhhhhtttttt”) , Sylvester and Tweety Bird and The Man Who Loved Pencil Dancing all engaged, ready for war. As Patton said once “God,  I love a battle”.


“But you play a shitty schedule

But you play a shitty schedule”


“Gil, how long are you going to be involved with Milford Big Brothers Program?”


And one more thing. Is that a map of Antarctica in the background? Boy, this strip is full of imagination in terms of background material. Nothing is more comforting than to watch General George Patton and General Omar Bradley map out strategy on how to overtake Messina when you already have Antarctica in the bag.


So let’s revamp Patton’s pep talk at the beginning of the movie and see if we can get a little inspiration

“…and another thing, if we’re going to attack the enemy, I don’t want any asshole dying for his or her high school. Let that ignorant whore and her District Board die for their own high school. We are Mudlarks and we will engage in battle, ready to kill. We will not be like Gil who sided with the Germans and started their own high school because he wouldn’t do any coaching. Personally, I’d piss on his shuffleboard in the gym because he was involved in a tournament with the Third Reich. Let me tell you, I never admired a Mudlark who lost and laughed. Gil can do that at the Dart Round Robin in Munich with those Austrian Fascists at some tavern around Oktoberfest. We are Americans. We are Mudlarks. Anything else and you can have your curlers done and sit with Dr. Pearl while that Commie bastard turns on her country and has her nails done. We will give the Germans and the District Board a lesson they will never forget. Their flag will burn for all eternity and Gil will coach in Milford Optimist League where his mental stature is better suited. That is all.”


And the conflict is beginning to heat up. Marcia, Jan, and Cindy have gotten in on the act and anything involving The Brady Bunch and you better have the right stuff. I don’t really know how they’re going to organize the walkout but when they threatened that stuff on the show, we never saw it either. We just assumed Marcia was telling the truth when she said that Dr. Pearl backed down after Marcia called her a miserable flippant bitch and would have to face Hadley V. if Dr. Pearl continued her pursuit on the matter. I always loved it when Greg Brady was playing, say, baseball and they would show a few scenes then later Greg and family would enter the kitchen and talk about his game like it was the Yankees winning it all in ’56. So when you see a few esoteric scenes of Hadley V. and the District Board throwing grenades at each other, just let your mind run wild when Jan, Marcia, Cindy speaking of the affair like it was The Battle of the Bulge. Sure, Jan, Eisenhower sent his whole damn ETO operation into the District Board meeting to reinstate The Mayor. There were tanks all around the building. The Germans and Dr. Pearl never stood a chance. Oh, and you kissed Ike on the head on V-Day, Marcia. Darn, it’s a crying shame The Brady Bunch was only a half hour long. I would have loved for you to expand on this love shack.

And how do you organize a protest like this? If Jan, Marcia, and Cindy sit on the railroad tracks of the Milford & Oakwood Express, I’d say we’re carrying the issue a bit to the extreme. Block the way to the barber shop where Gil cuts his hair? Well, it’s for a good cause anyway.


At the Milford High School cafeteria at 6:15AM


“Cafeteria’s closed. Don’t let anyone in after 6:00AM. We’ll have them fighting like students. Dr. Pearl won’t know what hit her.”

“Yes sir.”

“Oh, and by the way, helmets are mandatory from now on.”

“We don’t wear helmets, General.”


“It’s hard to wear over our hair nets.”

“Then cut two holes and use hair sanitizer. C’mon, Bradley, let’s see what those ignorant German bastards did in the art department.”


“He used Kingsford Charcoal on his face and lit a match

He used Kingsford Charcoal on his face and lit a match”

“Now, Son, be nice. That’s not how we treat our guest. Offer him some Zippo Lighter Fluid and open the conversation.”


Will somebody in the Milford High School Art class quit drawing disgusted students with the system displaying disfigured faces? Yes, we know The Mayor is pretty friggin’ disillusioned with the system right now but it isn’t necessary to draw the dude straight out of Mask. Does this mean the more injustice that gets heaped on him, the uglier he gets? If this District Policy is allowed to drag along, we could have his face in Towering Inferno mode with his jaw several feet below Death Valley. A frown and a few surly comments will drive home the message.

And I love it that Mrs. Krappy mentioned the lawyer is a “she”. Uh oh. Hadley V. could be coming back now that JaQuan is on hiatus. Well, sure, Hadley V. calling Dr. Pearl Granny Clampett who soaks her dentures in chicken gizzards is better than Hadley V. with her spectacles up her butt with nothing to do. God, I’d hate to replace a draggy plotline with another of equal caliber but this Rent-a-Lawyer-for-Random-Plot may prove tiresome. I don’t want nobody pulling the switch on The Mayor when he’s in the chair either but Thorpiverse’s imagination appears to be confined to Baxendale’s air-conditioned office. Oh, I forgot, air-conditioning isn’t District Policy. We have a plot. Problem solved.


“…get these players out on the field. We won’t have the City of Milford subsidizing yellow-bellied cowards and-Soldier, what’s your problem?”

“Nerves, sir. I just can’t take it anymore. When I see The Mayor in a world of hurt, I just lose it…”


“Private First Class Gilberto Thorp, George.”


“And we’ll be back for the exciting conclusion of Patton where Gil jumps over to General Montgomery’s command after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

“Honnnnnnneeyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyy. It’s time to come to beddyyyyyyyyy-bbbyyyyyy.”

Coach Shaw playing “Todd Rundgren’s Utopia” while the den is dead-bolted

“I can’t, Honey. The Mayor of Milford has issued a limited-contact order and to be wearing a mask at all times to practice social distance during the COVID-19 pandemic.”

“Lovey-Dovey, you just got a clean bill of health from the doctor this week.”

“Bloopy-doopy-doo, I won’t screw, you can never be too careful. My whim whim has a mask around it to ward off against the virus. One cell in my pecker and I’ll be down with The Plague.”

“Honeyyyyyyyyy, open the door, use a switchblade on your peenie covering and come on down and do what ya gotta do. You won’t get sick from being a man.”

“Sugar, Sugar, ahhh, Honey, Honey, the angel of the Lord just declared my pecker wasn’t worth a thing, the galaxy is null and void and so is sex.”

“Lovey-Dovey, that’s not ‘Utopia’, that’s Rundgren’s ‘Hermit of Mink Hollow’. And you’re going to be a hermit if you don’t pry open this deadbolt and get it on in the morning.”


When she knew Todd Rundgren’s discography better than me, it was time to take a chance that I wasn’t going to get hit with Venereal Disaese or COVID-19 and come down to Milford Men’s Clinic. With proven treatment programs and proper medications, the Clinic won’t leave you sore. Isn’t it time you said ‘Hello, It’s Me’ to your wife and really mean it? Come down to Milford Men’s Clinic and ‘See the Light.'”


Thanks for all you do, Gang. Now if you’ll clean that ash tray that contains part of The Mayor’s face, we’ll call it even.


In Dr. Pearl’s office one day talking to General Patton after she just filed away The Allies Attack On Napoli Report-1944

“George, I see you have a copy of the Milford High School Student Manual-1995.”

“That’s right. I was Gil Thorp in another life and we beat Hannibal at the Rubicon and Oakwood at the gym. But I reincarnated and became a real leader.”

“Do you read the manual often?”

“Every goddam day.”



“Thank God this plot has ended

Thank God this plot has ended”


“Jaime, eat your Bucket Burger. There are starving kids in China that would love to go through the drive-thru.”

May 12, 2020

Peter Pan, An Ordinary Table Knife, And District Tomfoolery, Not Necessarily In That Order.


At the District School Board meeting at Mudlark Lake Resort and Hadley V. Baxendale and Clarence Darrow representing The Mayor and William Jennings Bryan representing District Policy, a buzzword Dr. Pearl threw out one day when she was losing lines in the script and had to scramble for a reason why she should still be a part of the personnel at Milford High School and didn’t want to get bunked by Mr. Weatherbee who doesn’t confront Archie and Jughead with expulsion reports in triplicate

“The meeting will be called to order. The board recognizes the President of the Board, King Herod.”


Mister Mayor, it’s nice to meet you, we are finally in this room

We have heard much about you from the cradle to the tomb

And now your dietary artistry is presently on display

We’d love to watch you gulp a cow, at least that’s what you say


So if you are The Mayor

Yes, The Wonderful Mayor

Prove to us that you’re no fool

Eat the whole big brick high school


If you show it to us

Then we won’t cause a fuss

Come on, King of the ‘Larks


The exploding eye says it all. And who can blame him? Minutes before, he’s on the baseball field warming up and now he’s not only told to hand in his uniform but he can no longer enter the school because he’d be trespassing. Of course, Gil is trespassing because he does no coaching but so far he has not had to call Hadley V. Yet.

Why didn’t it surprise any of us? Dr. Gonzo was twiddling her thumbs like she had since the Renaissance and The Mayor was creative and disgusting in his choice of breakfast so it was just a matter of time before their paths would cross. You knew that when Dr. Gonzo showed up on the baseball diamond, it wasn’t to bring Z in the lineup to shut down the rally. I wouldn’t want Dr. Spock coming to the mound when I’m pitching, asking for the ball, fer sure.

“Dr. Pearl, you’re dressed like Devo. Is somebody getting Due Processed?”


Because I’m a little befuddled about pet stores selling animal vitamin supplements

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Fined Severely By The Milford City Works Council After Incident At Fire Hydrant.”

sub headline

“I knew I should have gone easy on the Ex-Lax with my poodle.”


And as long as we keep ringing up the charges, we might as well add carrying another concealed weapon, i.e., eyes that explode out of their socket. Boy, Dr. Pearl is having a field day today. She hasn’t warranted this much attention since she received Paper Pusher Lifetime Achievement Award from the Milford Kiwanis Club. Way to take charge, Dr. Gonzo. Your moment in the sun is fleeting and could disappear by the time Marty Moon hits the airwaves. Too bad you don’t have a sexy goatee on your chin or you might have bought some time. Maybe that explains why Marty never has to revert to sticking his cranium right back in his ass. Image is everything. Get the hint, Gonzo. Who sits at the bleachers at a ball game dressed like Granny Clampett in her space suit? No wonder why you’ll eventually have to return your beehive right back in its socket. What a career. Nailing a guy on threatening the hallways with his peanut butter knife and his pupils is the benchmark of an educational journey well-spent.

I remember in The Enforcer where Dirty Harry is interviewing potential police officers to roam the streets of San Francisco and Tyne Daly plays one of the candidates being interviewed. There’s a delegate from the City to monitor the interviews to make sure women candidates are given a fair shake. Harry’s final question is basically Harry is committing prostitution with this delegate and a donkey at Harry’s house and Harry asks the candidate what crime is being committed. She rattles off the correct interpretation, more than satisfying The Board’s (and Harry’s) question.

Ooooooookkkkkk, so at Dr. Pearl’soffice, Gil poses a question for The Mayor

“Okay, Aceves threatens to commit prostitution with Ms. Rizk and an elephant if you don’t start calling him Z but you retaliate by saying that if he has anal sex with Dumbo that you’ll blast him with your eyeballs and cut up Ms. Rizk with your Jif knife. Do you know what crime the District Policy charged you with?”

“That’s a felony under Milford School Handbook guidelines Section 8, Article 12, Clause 134 stating ‘No student is permitted to bring any animal on school premises and execute illicit, illegal, immoral, and questionable activity with said animal. Penalties could lead to up to and including expulsion. Prostitution with another teacher is a misdemeanor under Milford School Gu-”

“Yes, yes, acceptable answers, Mr. Krappy-”


“Good answers, Mr. Krackerjack. We will inform you of the Disttrict Board’s decision on Tuesday. My beehive should be permed out of Milford Beauty Salon by then.”


You have a reputation, you amaze with your Thermos jug

You can swallow Trix and ale, then sweep it under the rug

Oh ho ho, we are waiting, yes, we are captive fans

We’re dyi g to be shown that you inhale grapes from a can


So, if you are The Mayor, yes, The Fabulous Mayor

Spread epoxy on your bread, you can do it on your head

If you show it to me, then we’ll let you go free

Come on, King of the ‘Larks


If ya shoot an 8-point with your eyeballs and ya can git around the Game Warden cuz ya shot it in the off-season but it didn’t involve any weapons, ya might be a redneck.

I wouldn’t to get on the bad side of Mrs. Krappy right about now. She’s throwing her whole FACE at Dr. Gonzo while Gonzo is showing us the proper positioning were she sitting in her personal loo. Thank God, she’s not wiping her butt in the scheme of things. I wouldn’t even be squeezing the Charmin.

And what’s adding crap to Charmin is that the wind has been taken out of The Mayor’s sails and who can blame him? I’ll admit he was a fly in your ointment who flew around with some questionable meal combos, I mean, don’t order these combos at The Bucket drive-thru. Big Macs and Krylon with something to drink really isn’t too appetizing (“Would you like to make that a large combo for a dollar more?”) . No Diet Pepsi and Glidden Paint, thank you.

But face it, The Mayor is getting the shaft. It’s why I personally feel zero-tolerance has its shortcomings. If a teacher doesn’t like you, you could say that you will make him read Gil Thorp: The Lost Years if he doesn’t give you an “A” for the course and that teacher automatically say you were threatening him. It doesn’t take much to start the fire.

“Okay, The Board would like you to talk about your latest felony arrest.”

“I’ve never made one.”

“Well, then maybe you’ll tell The Board your latest misdemeanor arrest.”

“I’ve never done that either.”


“You think Granny Clampett ought to be skinning the squirrrels for dinner when she isn’t scouring her Dr. Spock outfit on the scrub board, is that it, Harry?”

“Gil, what do you think this is? Bert and Ernie? I want to know Dr. Pearl’s reaction when Teddy Blue points a gun at her and says “READ ‘GIL’S SEX LIFE IN 30 WORDS OR LESS’ OR I’LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Dr. Pearl’s place is at the copying machine in the faculty lounge, is that it?”

“Better than getting your ass blown off at the Milford High School Soccer Complex!!!!!!!! Her space suit doesn’t belong in the pitch!!!!!!!!”

“It’s my space suit!!!!!!!! My grandmother knitted it when she wasn’t lathering grandpa’s beard with soap and dye and putting it next to the deer skins to be tanned in the log cabin.”

“Yeah, and my sex life could fill 2 paragraphs.”


“Gil, Lassie pooped in the yard again.”

“Okay, I’ll cut back the dosage on the Ther-a-Gram.”


I am trying to be nice. I promised my mom I’d be nice (not really, but it sounds good) . But when Mrs. Krappy is directly confronting Dr. Pearl and threatening her with a lawyer, you’d expect the desk to be facing straight ahead. And we know that’s a phone to the left so it doesn’t qualify in the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. It DOES qualify, desk and phone in the entire package, in the Pantheon of Mysterious Angles. As long as I’m going to get blown away with strong admonitions, I’d like for the desk to not be at right angles with the phone or the desk proving Lobachevsky’s Theorem. Next time can the sides of the desks be supplementary angles to each other? Otherwise, that black underpinning under Dr. Pearl’s desk isn’t the only enigma we’re trying to solve in the Milford Mensa Society Manual Appendix.


We’d only ask things we’d ask any SuperMayor

What food you drink each night to bed that puts you way up there

Don’t be shyyyy, there’s talent in those veins

You can down a legume shake if you’ll only take the reins


So if you are The Mayor

The Infallible Mayor

Prove to us that you’re inspired

Pour some syrup on your tires


That’s all you must do

Then we’ll know it’s all true

Come on, King of the ‘Larks


This is about as chickenshit as Gil has gotten in a while. Not only has he done zilch coaching, now he’s going to add fuel to the fire by cleaning out The Mayor’s locker. Boy, what nerve. Makes me want to throw the Healthy Choice Chicken Breast Tenders and Mashed Potatoes that The Mayor has stuffed in his locker at Gil. I’ll save that little brownie that comes in all those dinners and mess up Dr. Pearl’s beehive with it so that it looks like a gigantic brown turd to exemplify her mentality. Roan hornet’s nests and paper-pushing will never go hand-in-hand any suaver.

“Archie, have you seen Ms. Grundy’s hair? We better tell the ‘Bee that she drank too much Milk of Magnesia again in Study Hall.”

“I agree, Jughead. She only has so many teeth. Don’t want that to get browner than her hair. That stuff can spread all over her body. We have enough bullshit at Riverdale.”


Ooooooookkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back for Match Game 2020 to resume this plot back to where it rightfully belongs. Take her away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Coach Thorp was going to her son’s locker to remove the _________________________.”


I hope you sleep well, Gil.


“And we’ll be back to see what items will be taken out of Archie’s locker including his rancid jock straps with months-old brown stains on them and his Orville Redenbacher Gasohol-Popped Popcorn after saying that Coach Kleats puts Geritol in his Maxwell House for breakfast after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”


“Folks, I didn’t want to do it. Mike Krapper was like a son to me. But when he enticed Keri and Jaime to listen to Springsteen’s ‘Jungleland’ that was blasting out of his car speakers, I had to draw the line. I’m not having him flash a Gibson like a table knife just to sell a record, let alone find a spot on the roster.”

But that’s a Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out for now. We’ll have more of ‘Darkness on the Edge of Town’ and ‘Tunnel of Love’ to listen to at the District Board Meeting.

But listen to this!!!!!!!!!!!! You don’t need to bring in ‘Ballad of Tom Joad’ on your Close ‘n’ Play to take advantage of these fantastic deals at Milford Beverage Warehouse. And the deals just got sweeter. For every $25 purchase, you’ll receive absolutely free vitamin supplements for your pet from Milford Pet Supply.

Folks, sometimes your mutt needs a little incentive to keep on licking his master. That’s why a purchase of a 24-Pack of Michelob Ultra plus a couple of cans of Falls City Dark out of the machine will get you a healthy portion of Green Coast Lickables and Supplements. That’s right, if your pooch has iron-poor blood, you won’t have to worry about mixing the pills in with his Alpo, you can watch your pooch  lick it straight out of the bowl while you’re downing a brewski on your recliner. Like Dave Brubeck used to sing, life’s so free and easy.

Want to see your pet rid of fleas? Sure, we all do. Purchase 2 12-Packs of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and not only can you party the night away, you can watch your kitty or German shepard sleep in its bed peacefully, thanks to Petlock Max Flea and Tick Preventatives and Supplements. No more watching you get down to The Trampps’ ‘Disco Inferno’ only to get interrupted because Rin Tin Tin is scracthing his ears for the 28th time at the bacchanalian venture. A bloodhound feeling regular with good bowel movement and liberated from fleas and ticks makes things easier to take when the Milford Police raid the celebration.

But some poodles and tabbies have problems from the other end. Believe me, it’s no fun watching my dogs and cats sneeze all over the floor and have to eventually call Milford 24-Hour Carpet Cleaning Incorporated and have the house roped off all day. You can only do so much hiking with your kids at Milford Nature Center. The Milford Petting Zoo only has so many animals. No orangutans to keep the kids entertained.

That’s why a purchase of 2 Jose Cuervo’s in the 750ml containers comes in handy when you’re wanting NaturVet Allergy Supplements. Talk about Lassie taking Ny-Quil. I no longer have to worry about 2 carpet cleaning guys attach hoses with their cracks obvious enough for my kids to be making jokes because my dog didn’t have a Kleenex. I’ll down a bottle of Cuervo while Mimi is drinking her Squoze on the patio anytime.

But don’t take my word for it. Come and get your own slice of The Good Life and Doggie and Kitty odor sprays so that everybody is one big happy family. And what makes it nicer, your Visa Gold is welcome anytime. Come on, don’t be afraid to use your plastic on booze and Sentry WormX supplements. That sounds environmentally friendly to me. Come on down to our environment and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

Yes, you mean the world to me but, no, I ain’t helping Coach Thorp on this one. He’s on his own.



You are not The Mayor

No, you haven’t the flair

You’re not a player

Or a student

Just a stupid little rodent

Take him away

He has nothinng to say

Get out King of the

Oh, leave The Board alone you King of the

Go sell your recipes at The Bucket

King of the ‘Larks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


At the Thorp household one fine morning

“Mommy, that man with the steam cleaner has a butt bigger than Daddy’s.”

“Kids!!!!!!!!!! I think I just heard the Milford Ice Cream truck pull up!!!!!!!! Here’s $5!!!!!! Go get some popsicles!!!!!!!!”

March 5, 2020

This Farce Is On The House.


7:14PM-We did stake-out in front of the Milford Public Library. My partner, Bill Gannon, was munching on his 7th Baconator w/ Swiss Cheese while I was about to smoke through my carton of Bel-Air’s. We were sure the illegal operation was going through the doors of what was once a Carnegie Library but we had to be careful. We couldn’t ID a patron’s library card without a warrant and we also didn’t want to blown away by a little old lady with an Uzi under her collection of mystery novels like Sue Grafton’s “M is for Milford”.

We hit paydirt. A gentleman who exhibited the ugliest Mr. T filament I had ever seen since they cancelled “The A-Team” walked into front entrance with more test aids than Barron’s. And I had a hunch he wasn’t headed to one of the conference rooms for a book discussion on Ray Bradbury’s “Golden Apples of the Sun.”

“Police officers!!!!!!!! Get your hands up and spread ’em out!!!!!!! Bill, frisk ’em for any weapons!!!!!!!”

“Mr. Friday, if you have overdue library items, we can renew them for 3 more weeks. You have 1 renewal allowance left.”

“Don’t try anything cute. I know you have illegal shipments of PSAT exams somewhere. Bill, check under the Xerox copier.”

“Mr. Friday, I assure you, we haven’t any illegal materials or drugs. And if we see or hear anything suspicious, we do our duty as citizens to call the police.”

“That’s what the commander at Pearl Harbor said and there were bombs in his file cabinet. Don’t try to cover this bomb or the judge will convict you on a Section 75, Article 401, “Illegal Storage of Educational and Public Institutional Reading Provisions Within and On General Library Property”. A confession now will lighten the sentence.”

“Joe, maybe she’s right. All I found at the copier was the crossword puzzle section out of the Milford Enquirer. Somebody forgot to take it off the glass.”

“Awwwwrrightt, you were lucky this time. But if I spot so much as a take-home portion of the SAT on the Fiction shelves, I’m gonna run you in and you better have a good lawyer. We’ll be back.”


Gang, you Dirty Harry buffs remember the scene where a psycho who’s on a killing rampage pays this bruiser to beat the tar out of him so that this psycho can frame the police and make it appear like police brutality? This bully just keeps beating him and beating him, finally the bully lands a crusher on him and says “This one’s on the house.”

And when I saw Teddy and his oversize hand throw the contraband on Chris, I felt like that psycho.

“Gil, you mean you want me to kick you in the nuts and rip your hair so that you can have a reason to call in sick? You’re not around much anyway. And I don’t like getting Brylcream all over me.”

“Please do it. Dr. Pearl said I couldn’t use any more sick days and unless I got ran over by the Milford & Oakwood Midnight Special, I was to fulfill the rest of my teacher’s contract and coach the balance of the season. And my cruise ship tickets to The Bahamas are non-refundable.”





“This one’s on the house, Mimi.”



Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sting Operation At Testing Site At Milford Community College Nets $1.7 Million In Confiscated Hot SAT Materials!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Detective Friday: ‘I noticed one of the dealers carrying a Magic Marker into the classroom instead of 2 #2 pencils. And when he didn’t have his calculator, that’s when I put the finger on him. Those punks never had a chance.”



Boy o boy, we got the package today. Dark Shadows Hand in P1 and now The Streak in P2. And I remember when Dan Curtis, who produced Dark Shadows, screened actors for his show so that it would be that much scarier. He wanted people who were REALLY freaky, were excellent actors, and were terrific with the public. Jonathan Frid, who played Barnabas Collins, was a good example. He was a veteran Shakesperean actor and was super with the fans. He would stop on the streets to sign an autograph. People loved him. And when you saw his displaying those vampire teeth on the TV screen, that just confirmed the issue.

Well, Teddy can’t act and it’s hard for me to believe after he got detention that he has a good rapport with the hoi polloi BUT he is super freaky with that hairdo. He’s 1/3 of the way there should the networks return Dark Shadows to the spotlight. He might catch up by then, especially if he quits getting detention for sticking sting bombs in Barnabas’ coffin. Don’t hold your breath.

Anybody who leaves a streak, er, trail with Kaplan’s AP Guide to Trigonometry ledger notes on the Head Librarian’s desk is in serious need of reform. Those cosine and sine functions in the doorway attest to that.






“This one’s on the house.”


“Dude, did you have to that to Dr. Pearl? I don’t care how much she paid you. She’s got a face that was born before the French and Indian War.”


2:31PM, Next day-In order to nab these vermin in the act, we had to think like them. So we had Bill Gannon pose as a conferderate. He was to be an SAT Test buyer and so he had to learn the tricks of the trade. It wasn’t going to be easy because Bill barely passed high school. Last-minute intervention by Dr. Pearl kept Gannon from being sent on the front line at the Battle of the Bulge. He owed her one.

“Joe, I think I have this down pat. I had a little trouble with the Essay Section but I got an ‘A’ n my term paper at the Milford Police Academy on ‘Criminal Tactics on Bucket Burger Swindlers’. And I got my calculator in case he tries to pull an arctan on me. I memorized the Math Section cold. I bet I’d score an 800 easily.”

“The real test is when those punks try to smell you out. Your testimony better be tight. Let’s go over the Verbal Section one more time.”

“Sure, Joe. Okay, Mr. Punk, I looked over these analogies and they appear to be in good working order. BASKETBALL:INERTIA seem to align with SPORTS:NONEXISTENCE. And I filled in the blanks with ‘Gil ______________ the season in order to party even if the populace_________________ for more activity’ with ‘trashed’ and ‘clamored’. Gotta watch those opposites. I almost answered ‘consummated’. I’ll take ’em. Got plenty of Benjamin’s. Name your price.”

“You’ll knock ’em dead, Bill.”

Slightly peppy music imbues Dragnet while Bill and Joe leave the physics lab.


If ya bribe the guy at the bar so ya can git the answer sheet to yore arithmatic ex-am-in-na-shun and finally pass 3rd grade and the ne’er-do-well throws in a slide rule ab-suh-lute-ly gratis, ya might be a redneck.


“Okay, it all checks out. The logarithm of 100 is 2 so ‘None of the above’ is the correct answer. And I’ll give in on the Antonym Section. I reckon ‘hirsute’ is the opposite of ‘immaculate’. You drive a hard bargain. I still say it’s ‘shiny’. Remember, it’s NEAREST in meaning. But if you’ll throw in a Videocassette on ‘Big Jake’s Sweating to a 1600 on the SAT’, I’ll call it even.”


“Gentlemen, I need the goods if you want the cash.”

“Okay, Jiffy Pop Head, you go with Frank and get the stuff out of the van. Here’s the key.”

“I got a better idea LET’S ALL GO POLICE OFFICERS YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!!!!!!!!!!”




“You got a warrant?”

“Right here wedged in this test booklet, punk. You better start asking what oars you’re gonna need when you get sent up the river.”

“I was only doing what any Robin Hood would do to help a poor schmuck to Harvard. I ain’t all bad.”

“Son, you can’t just hock answer sheets and crib notes out of the professor’s vertical file at Milford Community College. There’s laws against that. Personally, I don’t want a guy majoring in electric engineering at MIT with egg on his conscience. What’d you find in the briefcase, Joe?”

“The price tag is still fresh on the ‘Barron’s Prep Guide to Better Scores on the SAT’, answers included. Straight out of the Milford CC Bookstore. He doesn’t have a prayer before the judge.”

“Jiffy Pop Head, didn’t I tell you to burn those tags?”

“I couldn’t help it. They’re made out of the same material as Gil’s hair.”

“So’s your brain.”








“Luhm, I’m stickin’ this broom handle up your butt on the house.”



“This is Marty Moon with a Special Report at Milford High School where the janitor was brutalized. Mr. Luhm, what happened?”

“Gil did all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him I couldn’t wax the floor until after the players left the scrimmage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’ll pay for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”



Dum da dum dum

Dum da dum dum


“This farce you have just seen is true. The names are unfortunately true and exposing the innocent.

“On March 4th, trial was held in the cafeteria of Milford High School at the PTA meeting. In a moment, the results of that trial.”


“Folks, I hope those smugglers get the book thrown at them. Whether it’s Dan-O or Joe Friday, nobody more than me likes to see a guy strapped to a chair because McGarrett or Friday caught them breaking into a student’s locker and stealing that student’s Pudding Pops.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And, boy, do I have a menu for you while you’re watching Friday hangin’ ’em high at Tombstone. Our enterprises and El Tarasco Restaurant have joined together to provide you with even better quality products that you can snarf straight off the TV tray.

Try our new Gil Thorp Italian Sausage ‘n’ Enchiladas Verdes. Mmmmmm, mmm, I can almost smell Mimi smokin’ ’em off the electric stove. With that aroma and Milford Dairies Sour Cream, I’m bettin’ Joe Friday nails then in the next Dragnet episode when the bad guys try to pillage the Milford Food Pantry for guacamole dip.

Are you a shrimp guy? No problem. Gil Thorp Sage Seasoned Sausage y Camarones al Chipotle is just the thing to lay on the grill when the gang comes over to watch Major League Baseball Game of the Week. And Chihuahua Cheese will bat a thousand every time when you’re topping the patties. Hey, and I didn’t know Camarones meant ‘shrimp’. I always thought it meant ‘camera’. Goes to show you us coaches are always learning a new play to put in the playbook.

And you quiche eaters out there who don’t buy grills can always indulge in Gil Thorp Mild Sausage Fajita Burrito Grande. Even Grandma will enjoy this Grande, especially when you marinate the Sausage of Choice. If you wussies want to go stronger, we have onions and peppers for just a few cents extra. Sometimes Joe Friday’s gotta play Rambo and throw tear gas in the faculty lounge if he wants the juvenile delinquents to surrender. We’re fine either way.

Come check out these and other fine Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage products in your grocers’ coolers. You don’t have to go south of the border for good eatin’. We’re right in your neighborhood.”



With Teddy and his buddy standing in front of a blank wall

“Teddy Demarco a/k/a Roger M. Klotz and Jiffy Pop Head were found guilty of two counts of “Illegal Test Preparation Trafficking” and 5 counts of “Harassment of Illegal Contraband onto the General Populace” according to Section 102, Article 9 of the Milford Municipal Legislative Compendium and is punishable by a fine of $35,000 on each count and not more than 5 years of Detention in the Study Hall with Parole set for 2 years by the Milford Parole Commission.”

“Demarco and Jiffy Pop Head are now serving Detention at Milford High School for 3 years.”


Gang, you mean the world to me. I bet you have better shooting form than Schuring too. Better arch, anyway.







“Oops, sorry, Gil. Had too many Camarones con arroz. Here’s a twenty back.”





February 29, 2020



Before I even get into snarking on this tired trope I’m gonna rant about the way those molecules are drawn on the midterm, with bonds just sprouting at random off cyclic compounds. I majored in chemistry and once upon a time I was a lab rat so this lazy-assed artwork triggers me even more than yesterday’s Goshen Shabbat Goyim jersey.  DAMMIT WHIGHAM BONDS DON’T JUST BRANCH OFF BETWEEN OTHER BONDS THESE ARE MOLECULES NOT MOLTEN ALUMINUM POURED IN A FIRE ANT NEST

Okay, now that that’s off my chest: The “steal the answers to the exam” trope has been made into a feature film at least twice and has been the plot of teen sitcoms too many times to count. We’re expected to believe our two overachieving student/athletes are going to stoop to buying a copy of an old exam from a kid who has done nothing but prank and tease one of them for Lord knows what reason that has yet to be revealed to us. Schuring at the least should be suspicious of DeMarco’s motives and, if she has any sense, so should Watson. Given that Chris has already shown himself not to consider Alexa an adversary, he should hip her to punk Teddy’s schtick in no time flat.

Of course nothing will be that straightforward. Honestly, in the past two weeks Rubin has not only let this plot run into the ditch but launched it off an embankment Toonces the Cat style.

February 20, 2020

Don’t Slam-Dance The Floor. Luhm Just Waxed It.

Filed under: Mimi Thorp, Pissy faced minor character — tdrewhardin @ 9:47 am


Don’t put that thesaurus away just yet. We’re being introduced to a new vocabulary and it’s going to take some doing to soak it all in the noodle, synonyms and antonyms included.

Like what IS the opposite of slam-dance? Polka-trotting? Really, I can’t see Marty Moon with the call

“And that’s the 3rd turnover this quarter, Alexa trying to make something happen really needs to polka-trot the ball and set up the offense.”

“…Alexa on the wing, Phoebe and Cindy Brady-Schuring-Willcox-Thorp, Jr. the others on the 3-on-2, Phoebe slam-dances 2 defenders, dishes the rock, put it in the books, Alexa on the finish. You could see that one coming.”

And this doesn’t have to be confined to basketball

“…Gretzky with the puck, slam-dances around the goalie, SCORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OILERS WIN IN A SLAM-DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


Monday Night Football will never be the same with Frank Gifford tweaking his commentary

“…watch how Montana sets up in the pocket, sees Rice on a slant-and-right, Montana’s release is impeccable before he gets slam-danced to the ground by Mean Joe Greene…”

Dick Vitale just picked up a new phrase to add to his already-expansive lexicon

“…ohhhhhhhhh, get the busses warmed up, Baby, The General is going to walk out of Mackey with a slam-dance, Alford and Hillman just played brilliantly…”

I didn’t want to go hog-wild with this, I had to bring it back to basketball.

Speaking of basketball, are those 2 Dagwood background characters actually PLAYING basketball? I know Shawshank Gym can be structured a little funny but I don’t see a goal anywhere and the ball-handler and her defender are looking in the same direction. At what? A stray deer that wandered from Milford Petting Zoo? I hate to break it to the defender but if this is a defense drill and you don’t want your opponent to score at the goal down the hallway by the attendance office, I suggest you face your adversary if you don’t want an easy lay-up in front of the hall monitor. And slide your feet. The hall monitor is deceptively quick.


If ya slam-dance the basketball that’s made from the hide of a raccoon and ya break the rim off the goal and slam-dance the backboard so that glass winds up in yore crack, ya might be a redneck.


While I’m slam-dancing my head back to reality, where is that girl dribbling to? Is she going to drive to the black hole, er, bucket? Is she dribbling to Zion? The beautiful city of Gil?

Okay, enough bitching on that one. And commence bitching on another one.

Evidently a tornado has run loose in the school and Mimi is expressing appropriate concern. And remember when we were kids and we did the tornado drill where we were instructed to sit and fold our bodies into a ball, facing the wall? Hey, if I didn’t want to get smacked by a runaway student-athlete trying to up her game by imitating Hurricane Mimi, I’d gladly face the wall Charlie Brown and Linus lean on when they’re discussing Mudlark athletics.

“Pig Pen can do a better job of coaching than Coach Thorp. You just SEE the stench and dirt when Pig Pen’s got the clipboard.”

“Athletics and losing sometimes go hand in hand, Charlie Brown.”

“Yeah, but Gil is married to those two. I understand it was a shotgun wedding.”

Hey, I just conjured up another idea for a Fawcett-Crest paperback, All This and Snoopy Too. Well, can’t have Gil show up, not that I’m terribly worried that he or any other adult will show their faces in a Charlie Brown paperback. Just making sure.

Oh, yeah, the dribbler’s headed towards the wall where Charlie Brown and Linus are fellowshipping. This Get Tough For Girls Basketball By Dunking The Ball And Your Head campaign is getting contagious.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Smashes Into A Deer With His Buick Skylark, Costing $1000’s In Body Shop Repair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I get enough from Alexa damaging my bumper and front end on my other vehicle without some white-tail in estrus during mating season.”


And are YOU in luck, Gang. Thanks to all these gazillion Roget’s Thesaurus’s, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Pocket Edition, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Family Album-Milford Photo Studio Edition, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Basketball Lingo (perfect for feeder leagues) , I now possess a treasure trove of words at my disposal so that my vocabulary doesn’t run dry when I’m stuck on slam-dance when doing the crossword in the Milford Enquirer.

Try a few on for size

“Because after she slam-mazurka’d Jimmy Causey, you gave her a high five.”

“Honestly, Dr. Pearl, I didn’t mean to slam-choreograph Ms. Rizk’s Maxwell House and get it all over her Playtex bra. It’s just that the conference title is on the line tonight and I need to be ready.”

“Chris, I know you’re trying to take one for the team but we don’t need heroes now. No more slam-jitterbugging. Contest but don’t foul.”

“Gil, you don’t need to slam-hula-hula anyone to get those pork and beans. There’s plenty for all at the church fellowship supper.”

“Alexa with the drive, scoops and scores. My goodness, she has 38 points to go along with 21 rebounds. She is on a slam-St. Vitus’ Dance.”

Well, some bugs ya gotta work out. I’m sure the program director at WDIG will have a slam-basketball terminology list so there’ll be no more devil in the details.

And Gene Rayburn is back to slam-dance this plot into next week. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that if you slam-danced your __________________, you’d reach The Fountain of Youth.”


Now wait just a minute, Mimi, while you’re slam-Virginia-reeling your high horse. Didn’t YOU want Alexa to be more aggresive on offense, actually comparing her offense output to her GPA? (Nod your head “yes”.) Don’t wind this doll up to fever pitch, head down to the corner store for milk and eggs, fry up a souffle, then blame the kids when there’s too many egg shells in the omelette. Yeah, you can’t just let this Kewpie doll run all over the neighborhood, then call The Shark to sue the guy next door when his Shar-Pei chews up your prize possession. Either get a chain link fence or face the consequences that your player is somebody’s Kibbles ‘n’ Bits. Keep your dog bones and Kewpie dolls on your own side of the yard. Just sayin’.

“This is a Special Report. WDIG News has just received word from the Milford Police Department that they have cracked the case on who shot Coach Shaw. Detectives revealed that-

SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GENERAL KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE RECRUITED THIS PTP’ER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE’S ON MY ALL-SLAM-CHA CHA TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE’S A REAL SLAM-EATER IN THE COURT…

And, Mimi, Joe Friday you are not. Not only should you not get puffy after you essentially got hoisted by your own petard, you make a lousy Barnaby Jones. Buddy Ebsen, who played the character, was notorious for forgetting his lines (ditto Jed Clampett on The Beverly Hillbillies) but the man could act. You can’t even act the part of a coach, let alone Dirty Harry.

Skipper, I agree, Gilligan shouldn’t be ramming his head into cocoanut trees just to do ANYTHING to get off the island. And you can trust the process and not have stitches and cocoanuts in your head. But YOU were the one encouraging Gilligan to literally go head first into this one. We are keeping score, Skipper, in case you left your scorebook back at the lagoon. All told, you can trust the process by getting back to the basics. Practice, for example. I’ve never known anyone get bonked by a stray cocoanut when practicing box-out drills. You should schedule a few, then you wouldn’t have Jerry Lawler running over teachers in his Peterbilt on Room 222 episodes.


Today’s Black History Month installment is Slim Gaillard. He was an excellent Jazz musician, a bandleader who wrote the #1 hit in 1937 “Flat Foot Floogie.” If you listen to the song, I promise you, you’ll start gettin’ happy.

He played with the greats such as Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, and Miles Davis and cut some outstanding albums along the way. His unique way of talking, starting off many words with a “V” or just plain Hip-Hop in general, made him electric when singing his music or rubbing elbows with the gentlemen like above.

His contributions have been highly undervalued and it is high time Mr. Gaillard had his day in court. I salute you, Slim Gaillard.


One fine day on Primrose Lane in Milford

“Damn, my neighbor ran over my petunias with his Snapper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now he slam-quadrille-d my leg off!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it’s my bowling night!!!!!!!!!! We’re up against the Milford Bowling League Champions!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Let me tell you, if my bowling ball got slam-gavotted by some runaway car from Milford & Oakwood Express, I’d be kickin’ some booty too. And at Sharkey Law Offices, we get it. You want your leg and bowling ball too. Hard to win Bumper Bowling without either in your repertoire. We’ll fight the insurance companies until you are literally standing on your feet.”

“I got $3,563,906,245,653 × 10v5 in compensation. I was not only able to walk again and be a mall walker at Milford Peddlers Outlet, I got a new Brunswick Titanium Special through the mail-order catalog, gratis. The UPS truck was on my doorstep in a couple of days with the Etch-a-Sketch form to sign my John Henry and a new ball. And I could stand and smell the roses along the way. Thanks, Shark.”

“What further proof do you need? Makes me want to go bowling and slam-riverdance those cheap K-Mart pins at that pinball bowling machine they have at the Milford Confectionary Shoppe. If you got slam-sarabanded because your partner flunked the final at Milford Dance Studio, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”


Thanks for your patience, Gang. My vehicle broke down and it was a labor of love all day. You made me want to fight through this one. God bless you all.


In Ms. Rizk’s Intro English Usage for Journalism class on any given morning

“Okay. I think we understand the concept. Now who can express the opposite of slam-dance? Yes, Henry?”

“Coach Thorp felt like such a failure after Chris’ development schottische’d in the molasses. It was time to go back to the gym for more individual work and hope Coach Thorp would untarantella his head on straight. Chris started by ramming his head into the basket uprights.”

Well, as Lindsay Buckingham would say to Gil



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