Help Big Boy Find His Way Out Of This Plot

Gang, remember when we were kids and we went to Jerry’s or Ponderosa or Frisch’s Big Boy and we’d order our favorite food because our parents weren’t going to make us eat our vegetables at Frisch’s, WE COULD ORDER WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANTED? So we’d order a Triple Cheese Big Boy Burger, a washtub full of French Fries, Caesar’s Salad they’d serve in dog food bowls and OF COURSE THE DESSERT which was a hot fudge sundae designed like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Naturally, we didn’t finish because we were kids and our eyes got bigger than our tummies and so Mom and Dad got us doggie bags to finish instead of Cheerios for the next couple of days. While we were waiting, remember those placemats? The ones that had “Help Long John Silver find the buried treasure” or “Help Big Boy find his way to his house” or “Help Marty Moon find his way to Studio 3 after he got hung over from Blatz Beer the night before”.

That’s the scenario as I see it in front of me. Etiqutte training? Blackthorne? One minute we’re on the trail of 2 teenagers, evidently with some game, about to brave the elements to,well, play more golf. Next thing you know we’re trying to cram in more terminology within the span of  less than a month. The plot that never ends, fer sure.

What does etiquette training have to do with the game of golf AT THIS POINT ANYWAY? Sure, you yell “FORE!!!!!” when you hit a shot and you think it’s going to hit a spectator or fellow golfer on the head if they’re in the vicinity of your shot. And you wait patiently until your partner putts or uses a 9-iron before you attempt your shot. But we don’t need to go into Amy Vanderbilt here and why are we going into it anyway? Because Gil is trying to hide the fact that HE’S CLUELESS AND HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH 2 TEENAGE BOYS WITH OBVIOUSLY MORE GOLF LORE IN THEIR BAGS THAN GIL HAS IN HIS TRUNK?

Gil, why don’t you just say it? You have NOTHING to teach these kids so the month of August is strictly going to be a BS session as we help Cap’n Crunch and his crew find Etiquette Training and get a coupon good for a free Big Boy Catch of the Day Fish Sandwich, good for the next go-round plus a box of Cap’n Crunch Blueberry Cereal (Hey, we’re kids, we always loved a throw-ins). I mean, I don’t know if we’re reading Gil Thorp or James Joyce. St. Fabians? Was that in “Finnegan’s Wake” or “Ulysses”?

I’twas a blustery dye in Milfoordian as we goot nae soon for tree dyes now. Blackthorne woos a syte with ool its liefs drooped froom the trees. Gil nyded moor sex froom his wife sence the ploot woos fallin apart with nae end in syte.

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club during August

“AWOPBOPALOOBOPAWOPBAMBOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Heard at a table 10 feet from stage

“Man, I didn’t know Coach Kaz had it in him!!”

“I hear ya!! And Mimi is really SHAKIN’ THAT THANG!!”

 

Little Richard, you’re still going strong at 86 and I don’ t see that stopping. My hat’s off to you, My Man.

And have we really established where the hell we’re playing? As long as Gil is going to be the caboose on the Little Train That Could(“CHOO CHOOOOO, This plot is bad, this plot is bad, this…”), we’re given possible sites, Pine Ridge, St. Fabians, Blackthorne, Augusta National, Pebble Beach, Zion National Monument, Badlands, and so on but Gil is not only NOT REALLY coaching(like he ever was but this time his hand is caught in the hole on #10) but he’s drawn a blank for a specific spot.

At Milford Putt Putt

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t have somebody hold the windmill blade while you’re shooting for an eagle. That’s cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

What happens when you call the number 1-888-O-BUCKET or go online at http://www.Bucketismyfirstlove.com to answer the survey to receive a Buy One Bucket Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo, Get One Free coupon

 

What did you order?

Bucket Burger

Bucket Double Burger

Bucket Triple Burger

Bucket Cheese Burger

Bucket Fries

Bucket Curly Fries

Bucket Chili Fries

Bucket o’ Tots

Bucket Hot Tamale

Bucket Pasta and Rice

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/o Hash Brown Packet

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/ I Can’t Believe it’s Butter!!!

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/o Hash Brown Packet w/ Napkins & Straw w/o Butter and Jelly and Maple Syrup w/Arm & Hammer Baking Soda

Bucket Bologna Burger

Bucket Garlic Bologna Burger

Bucket Thick-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger

Bucket Thin-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger in Laminated Sheets

Bucket Thin-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger Hand-Tossed

Bucket Turkey Burger

Bucket Buffalo Burger

Bucket Buffalo Burger(w/o Hormone Shots)

Bucket Burger w/ Matzo Buns

Bucket Pizza Burger

Bucket Pizza Burger Delivered in 30 Minutes or Less or it’s Free, excluding Oakwood and New Thayer

Pepperoni Pizza

Sausage Pizza

Canadian Bacon Pizza

Pizza! Pizza!(Oops, this is not a Little Caesars Survey)

Any Combo of these that it would take printing another piece of paper that was obtained by felling a tree in Milford Natural Area to print

 

How satisfied were you with the quality of the food products?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3)  Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) Highly Dissatisfied

How satisfied were you with the temperature of your food?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) They use thermometers that aren’t Blue-Lite Specials at K-Mart, no?

How satisfied were you with the friendliness of the staff?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) I’ve seen friendlier from a slut who got terminated at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club because of too many absences even though the Union is taking it to arbitration

How long did take to receive your order?

0-5 Minutes

6-10 Minutes

11-18 Minutes

19-25 Minutes

26-32 Minutes

Longer than the last plot

Did you order dessert products(Bucket Blast Banana Split, Bucket Blizzard, Bucket Bundt Cake, Bucketmints, Bucketpuddin’, etc.)?  1) Yes  2) No  3) Didn’t have time-had to get back to the Golf Plot

How satisfied were you with the quality of the dessert products?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) Highly Dissatisfied

The Bucket car hops had Plumber’s Butt  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think playing “Hot Rod Lincoln” 736 times on the jukebox during Milford Frog Follies was a bit excessive  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I would be satisfied if The Bucket were to transfer operations to Camp Swampy  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think The Bucket and Milford Clay Oven(“The Taste of the Himalayas comes to Mudlarkland”) should exchange menus for 1 week  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think if Milford Clay Oven were to shut down for 3 weeks by the Milford Health & Safety Board due to numerous safety hazards, The Bucket would be The Taste of the Himalayas  1) Strongly disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I’d rather eat at The Bucket than Frisch’s Big Boy because I have suspicions that Big Boy is transsexual  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3)  Neither Agree nor Disagree  4)  Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I’d rather eat at The Bucket than the Milford McDonald’s because there were rumors that Ronald McDonald had Red Books by Chairman Mao on his coffee table in his living room  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

Thank you for taking the time to complete the survey. Your promo code number to Buy One Bucket Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo Get One Free is 48576390768574636458693766012365774758569687784626486068462362364547575785839094589686858684002274659235765748347289. Call for any problems.

 

P3: “And Gil’s putt at Putt-Putt went THAT far off the hole. It’s a shame cuz he made the shot through the cannon without landing on the street.”

 

“BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS AIN’T A CONCERT HALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” as numerous tomatoes and ice cubes are hurled at Coach Shaw at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club. Mimi and the Pussycats are still cuttin’ a rug.

“Dear, you can’t sound like Django Reinhart the first time. The Jazz Guitar lessons take time.”

“And I heard the Milford UMC has a Chicken ‘n’ Grits Supper this Friday and I heard their organist has the flu. My summer ain’t entirely shot. I’ll get supplementary income somehow.”

“Sounds like a winner. C’mon, let’s have fun in bed.”

“Uhhhhhhh, where’s those Barney Kessel CD’s? I could use a little more practice.”

 

Gang, comment away. I’m going over to Milford Putt-Putt for the Pro-Am Tournament. There was a question when the ball didn’t clear the drawbridge in time how to execute the ball drop. Do you step on the petunias around the bridge? The debate still rages.

 

“Oh, SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I lost track of the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to be at work in 15 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, don’t you have bodyguard duty?”

“I’m off tonight.”

Well, can you water my daffodils? There’s a new dance routine we gotta learn tonight. We gotta get the Texas 2-Step down before the 1st show at 8.”

 

At Jerry’s Restaurant in Milford

“Help Coach Shaw find his sex life. His wife is on a deserted island wearing a tropical grass bikini with nothing but coconuts and Friday.”

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The P.R.C.C. Can Suck on This

Here are the heels of August: The Pine Ridge Boys. They’re what the policemen on Sodor would call “Regular Law Breakers.” I’ll bet they’ll give those earnest young golfing boys from the Milford CC all they can handle at the Valley Juniors.

We all know cheaters never win and winners never cheat, but can we take a page from The Pine Ridge Boys’ playbook and cut over to September while we’re at it?  Probably not, so stick around for a few weeks of Goofus and Gallant on the Golf Course if you will.

Inspiration for today’s post title at this link.

 

Great Moments In Milford Journalism

Are not depicted in the above. Please stay tuned in for the inimitable T. Drew Hardin’s commentary coming right up!

In the meantime, please feel free to fire away.

Minus points: Since when did Marjie adopt the poking out ear look?

I Missed the Sign

Today’s strip is just three panels of “Kevin Pelwecki, the most clueless kid at Milford High.”  Where was Pelwecki last year when The Hurricane blew in from Kingsbrook and the girls from Central showed up with signs? We know they were on the field together at least once (no, make that twice) so it’s not like Kevin couldn’t have been aware of Ryan’s talent… or his reputation. Van Auken might have been going to anger management classes instead of those camps.

Finally, what sequence of events sends Pelwecki into Gil’s office in full uniform, getting all pissy about the attention Ryan got from one college?  Again, has he forgotten about the talent Van Auken showed before he got to Milford and since, and how he’s only turned serious attention to baseball in the past few weeks?

The Real Kevin Pelwecki, if you’re out there reading this, I hope you didn’t cheese Rubin off too badly IRL.  Your character deserves better. ;-)

 

Making Things Worse

I’m struggling to grasp anyone’s motivations here other than, perhaps, Ma Bader’s. Well, I suppose Barry’s motivation is that he’s a hot headed moron* with self esteem issues but that doesn’t make for the most compelling protagonist. At least not as written here…

Bonus points:

P1: Ah, the rare ANDS brand laptop, disfavored by Milford teens who prefer |||| brand computers. I’ll leave speculation as to the nature of the mysterious foreground display to our wonderful commenters.

P2: I’m digging the Bader’s mismatched chairs at their tiny kitchen table underneath the chandelier they stole from a TGI Friday’s. Also, Steve Luhm has clearly been moonlighting.

P3: I’m sure I’ve floated some truly idiotic ideas in front of my mom over the years but I don’t think I’ve ever given her occasion to give me such an exaggerated (and presumably genuine) stinkeye.

* Seriously, ‘enoblers’?

Metapost: As this year’s Memorial Day celebrations recede into memory, please bear in mind the veterans who surely number amongst this count.

You’re Out of Order, Bader!

The Mets got busted for batting out of order yesterday and the Twittersphere had fun with it.

What’s Gil’s excuse? His lineup card reads 1-2-x-x-6-7-8-9-10. Let’s zoom in on it:

Most of these guys are Milford’s usual suspects:

1. Mike Filion was the Mudlark’s undersized QB last fall

2. Barry Bader, well, you know him. Still showing zero signs of maturation

x. Andre Ruffin knows how to host a party

x. Pete DeWindt has been here since, like, forever

6. The same could be said for Paul Beaudry

7. Pelwecki has long worn out his welcome. His Rosie the Riveter pose pales in comparison to Lucky Haskins’ but he’s feeling it*

8. Jorge Padilla, like his MLB namesake, is an outfielder (or some new position, CH). We’ll find out if that skinny kid can jump and rob hitters of homers

9. We get the classic name Hiawatha James and it’s the only one Whigham can’t write out? Lazy!

10. Larry Arroyo was introduced to us as a non-Pelwecki sub for Barry Bader but now he’s a pitcher third baseman – that is, if he’s the same guy

May River has to be a long ride from Milford; maybe that’s why Gil’s lineup card is so wonky. Bluffton (home of May River High) has become known in recent years as an affordable alternative to nearby Beaufort and Charleston for Yankee retirees. Maybe Mr. Bakst or some other Milfordians have moved there and will form a home away from home crowd for the Mudlarks. Play ball!

*Note Pelwecki is written in at DH, but no pitcher is named; Arroyo, batting last, is at 3B (oops – teenchy)

Has Anyone Else Been Wondering How Barry’s Doing? Nah, Didn’t Think So.

Running with the color version today so we can revisit the Indians’ Mudlarks’ bloodclot unis and verify Jay Bhatia’s skin tone.  I guess they did an okay job of it; at least he doesn’t look like Peter Sellers in The Party.  His glove is the same color as the rest of the uniforms so that’s a minus.  Hard to tell from this angle whether he’s still wearing the round glasses or if he’s switched over to goggles.  There’s a strap running around the back of his head so I’m gonna guess the latter, a Chris Sabo or Tyler Clippard look.  Too bad; yesterday I was getting a retro vibe from him, kind of a Dom DiMaggio meets Earl Torgeson meets Chick Hafey meets Clint Courtney thing.

Sorry about getting stuck in the minutiae but, yeah, Barry Bader’s back in a speaking role and as prickly as ever.  There were a lot of holes to fill from Jay’s convo with Dafne yesterday, in particular what it is about Jay that makes Dafne think they “see eye to eye.”  The directive must have been to pump Barry for info, and let’s just say Jay’s about as subtle as a blowtorch in doing so.  (Ya know, since it was Jorge Padilla who asked what Barry’s deal was, maybe he’d have been a good person to grill Barry instead. He could always pull the new guy card.) Good on Jay for directing Barry’s ire back on Dafne; that sets us up for a nice f-t-f confrontation next week which promises some exposition on life im Schloss Bader and a nice MYODB.

Doing It Wrong, Unfortunately

P1: No offense to his real world namesake intended, but I did not realize that we were really signing up for another tour with the Secret. Originally, I didn’t mind him too much but now it seems he’s gunning to be another Milford High huckster with this launch angle foolishness. How a calculator would figure into his scheme is beyond me.

P2: Nothing like sitting around talking about what people said for excitement and adventure. Are the two young women in back having to share a milk shake?

P3: Is there some sort of corollary to the Bechdel test where the female characters just sit there and watch the male characters talk? I know we keep hammering on that point but, c’mon, Whigrub didn’t even give them their own drinks nevermind dialogue. Regardless, I like that Freckles here answers the question of what is Barry’s story by telling Spike McWidow’s Peak* about his story and not, oh say, the story iteself. Oh well, tune in tomorrow when we revisit one of the more distasteful story arcs in some time.

* Wait, I just realized that’s supposed to be Jorge…