This Farce Is On The House.

7:14PM-We did stake-out in front of the Milford Public Library. My partner, Bill Gannon, was munching on his 7th Baconator w/ Swiss Cheese while I was about to smoke through my carton of Bel-Air’s. We were sure the illegal operation was going through the doors of what was once a Carnegie Library but we had to be careful. We couldn’t ID a patron’s library card without a warrant and we also didn’t want to blown away by a little old lady with an Uzi under her collection of mystery novels like Sue Grafton’s “M is for Milford”.

We hit paydirt. A gentleman who exhibited the ugliest Mr. T filament I had ever seen since they cancelled “The A-Team” walked into front entrance with more test aids than Barron’s. And I had a hunch he wasn’t headed to one of the conference rooms for a book discussion on Ray Bradbury’s “Golden Apples of the Sun.”

“Police officers!!!!!!!! Get your hands up and spread ’em out!!!!!!! Bill, frisk ’em for any weapons!!!!!!!”

“Mr. Friday, if you have overdue library items, we can renew them for 3 more weeks. You have 1 renewal allowance left.”

“Don’t try anything cute. I know you have illegal shipments of PSAT exams somewhere. Bill, check under the Xerox copier.”

“Mr. Friday, I assure you, we haven’t any illegal materials or drugs. And if we see or hear anything suspicious, we do our duty as citizens to call the police.”

“That’s what the commander at Pearl Harbor said and there were bombs in his file cabinet. Don’t try to cover this bomb or the judge will convict you on a Section 75, Article 401, “Illegal Storage of Educational and Public Institutional Reading Provisions Within and On General Library Property”. A confession now will lighten the sentence.”

“Joe, maybe she’s right. All I found at the copier was the crossword puzzle section out of the Milford Enquirer. Somebody forgot to take it off the glass.”

“Awwwwrrightt, you were lucky this time. But if I spot so much as a take-home portion of the SAT on the Fiction shelves, I’m gonna run you in and you better have a good lawyer. We’ll be back.”

 

Gang, you Dirty Harry buffs remember the scene where a psycho who’s on a killing rampage pays this bruiser to beat the tar out of him so that this psycho can frame the police and make it appear like police brutality? This bully just keeps beating him and beating him, finally the bully lands a crusher on him and says “This one’s on the house.”

And when I saw Teddy and his oversize hand throw the contraband on Chris, I felt like that psycho.

“Gil, you mean you want me to kick you in the nuts and rip your hair so that you can have a reason to call in sick? You’re not around much anyway. And I don’t like getting Brylcream all over me.”

“Please do it. Dr. Pearl said I couldn’t use any more sick days and unless I got ran over by the Milford & Oakwood Midnight Special, I was to fulfill the rest of my teacher’s contract and coach the balance of the season. And my cruise ship tickets to The Bahamas are non-refundable.”

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“This one’s on the house, Mimi.”

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sting Operation At Testing Site At Milford Community College Nets $1.7 Million In Confiscated Hot SAT Materials!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Detective Friday: ‘I noticed one of the dealers carrying a Magic Marker into the classroom instead of 2 #2 pencils. And when he didn’t have his calculator, that’s when I put the finger on him. Those punks never had a chance.”

 

THE STREAK IS BACK

Boy o boy, we got the package today. Dark Shadows Hand in P1 and now The Streak in P2. And I remember when Dan Curtis, who produced Dark Shadows, screened actors for his show so that it would be that much scarier. He wanted people who were REALLY freaky, were excellent actors, and were terrific with the public. Jonathan Frid, who played Barnabas Collins, was a good example. He was a veteran Shakesperean actor and was super with the fans. He would stop on the streets to sign an autograph. People loved him. And when you saw his displaying those vampire teeth on the TV screen, that just confirmed the issue.

Well, Teddy can’t act and it’s hard for me to believe after he got detention that he has a good rapport with the hoi polloi BUT he is super freaky with that hairdo. He’s 1/3 of the way there should the networks return Dark Shadows to the spotlight. He might catch up by then, especially if he quits getting detention for sticking sting bombs in Barnabas’ coffin. Don’t hold your breath.

Anybody who leaves a streak, er, trail with Kaplan’s AP Guide to Trigonometry ledger notes on the Head Librarian’s desk is in serious need of reform. Those cosine and sine functions in the doorway attest to that.

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“This one’s on the house.”

KERBLOOEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Dude, did you have to that to Dr. Pearl? I don’t care how much she paid you. She’s got a face that was born before the French and Indian War.”

 

2:31PM, Next day-In order to nab these vermin in the act, we had to think like them. So we had Bill Gannon pose as a conferderate. He was to be an SAT Test buyer and so he had to learn the tricks of the trade. It wasn’t going to be easy because Bill barely passed high school. Last-minute intervention by Dr. Pearl kept Gannon from being sent on the front line at the Battle of the Bulge. He owed her one.

“Joe, I think I have this down pat. I had a little trouble with the Essay Section but I got an ‘A’ n my term paper at the Milford Police Academy on ‘Criminal Tactics on Bucket Burger Swindlers’. And I got my calculator in case he tries to pull an arctan on me. I memorized the Math Section cold. I bet I’d score an 800 easily.”

“The real test is when those punks try to smell you out. Your testimony better be tight. Let’s go over the Verbal Section one more time.”

“Sure, Joe. Okay, Mr. Punk, I looked over these analogies and they appear to be in good working order. BASKETBALL:INERTIA seem to align with SPORTS:NONEXISTENCE. And I filled in the blanks with ‘Gil ______________ the season in order to party even if the populace_________________ for more activity’ with ‘trashed’ and ‘clamored’. Gotta watch those opposites. I almost answered ‘consummated’. I’ll take ’em. Got plenty of Benjamin’s. Name your price.”

“You’ll knock ’em dead, Bill.”

Slightly peppy music imbues Dragnet while Bill and Joe leave the physics lab.

 

If ya bribe the guy at the bar so ya can git the answer sheet to yore arithmatic ex-am-in-na-shun and finally pass 3rd grade and the ne’er-do-well throws in a slide rule ab-suh-lute-ly gratis, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Okay, it all checks out. The logarithm of 100 is 2 so ‘None of the above’ is the correct answer. And I’ll give in on the Antonym Section. I reckon ‘hirsute’ is the opposite of ‘immaculate’. You drive a hard bargain. I still say it’s ‘shiny’. Remember, it’s NEAREST in meaning. But if you’ll throw in a Videocassette on ‘Big Jake’s Sweating to a 1600 on the SAT’, I’ll call it even.”

“Deal.”

“Gentlemen, I need the goods if you want the cash.”

“Okay, Jiffy Pop Head, you go with Frank and get the stuff out of the van. Here’s the key.”

“I got a better idea LET’S ALL GO POLICE OFFICERS YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!!!!!!!!!!”

 

____________

 

“You got a warrant?”

“Right here wedged in this test booklet, punk. You better start asking what oars you’re gonna need when you get sent up the river.”

“I was only doing what any Robin Hood would do to help a poor schmuck to Harvard. I ain’t all bad.”

“Son, you can’t just hock answer sheets and crib notes out of the professor’s vertical file at Milford Community College. There’s laws against that. Personally, I don’t want a guy majoring in electric engineering at MIT with egg on his conscience. What’d you find in the briefcase, Joe?”

“The price tag is still fresh on the ‘Barron’s Prep Guide to Better Scores on the SAT’, answers included. Straight out of the Milford CC Bookstore. He doesn’t have a prayer before the judge.”

“Jiffy Pop Head, didn’t I tell you to burn those tags?”

“I couldn’t help it. They’re made out of the same material as Gil’s hair.”

“So’s your brain.”

“THAT’S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU TWO. YOU’RE IN ENOUGH HOT WATER WITH DR. PEARL. DON’T TRIP ON THE WAY TO THE COURTROOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Luhm, I’m stickin’ this broom handle up your butt on the house.”

OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“This is Marty Moon with a Special Report at Milford High School where the janitor was brutalized. Mr. Luhm, what happened?”

“Gil did all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him I couldn’t wax the floor until after the players left the scrimmage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He’ll pay for this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

Dum da dum dum

Dum da dum dum

DUMMMMMMMMMMMM

“This farce you have just seen is true. The names are unfortunately true and exposing the innocent.

“On March 4th, trial was held in the cafeteria of Milford High School at the PTA meeting. In a moment, the results of that trial.”

 

“Folks, I hope those smugglers get the book thrown at them. Whether it’s Dan-O or Joe Friday, nobody more than me likes to see a guy strapped to a chair because McGarrett or Friday caught them breaking into a student’s locker and stealing that student’s Pudding Pops.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. And, boy, do I have a menu for you while you’re watching Friday hangin’ ’em high at Tombstone. Our enterprises and El Tarasco Restaurant have joined together to provide you with even better quality products that you can snarf straight off the TV tray.

Try our new Gil Thorp Italian Sausage ‘n’ Enchiladas Verdes. Mmmmmm, mmm, I can almost smell Mimi smokin’ ’em off the electric stove. With that aroma and Milford Dairies Sour Cream, I’m bettin’ Joe Friday nails then in the next Dragnet episode when the bad guys try to pillage the Milford Food Pantry for guacamole dip.

Are you a shrimp guy? No problem. Gil Thorp Sage Seasoned Sausage y Camarones al Chipotle is just the thing to lay on the grill when the gang comes over to watch Major League Baseball Game of the Week. And Chihuahua Cheese will bat a thousand every time when you’re topping the patties. Hey, and I didn’t know Camarones meant ‘shrimp’. I always thought it meant ‘camera’. Goes to show you us coaches are always learning a new play to put in the playbook.

And you quiche eaters out there who don’t buy grills can always indulge in Gil Thorp Mild Sausage Fajita Burrito Grande. Even Grandma will enjoy this Grande, especially when you marinate the Sausage of Choice. If you wussies want to go stronger, we have onions and peppers for just a few cents extra. Sometimes Joe Friday’s gotta play Rambo and throw tear gas in the faculty lounge if he wants the juvenile delinquents to surrender. We’re fine either way.

Come check out these and other fine Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage products in your grocers’ coolers. You don’t have to go south of the border for good eatin’. We’re right in your neighborhood.”

 

 

With Teddy and his buddy standing in front of a blank wall

“Teddy Demarco a/k/a Roger M. Klotz and Jiffy Pop Head were found guilty of two counts of “Illegal Test Preparation Trafficking” and 5 counts of “Harassment of Illegal Contraband onto the General Populace” according to Section 102, Article 9 of the Milford Municipal Legislative Compendium and is punishable by a fine of $35,000 on each count and not more than 5 years of Detention in the Study Hall with Parole set for 2 years by the Milford Parole Commission.”

“Demarco and Jiffy Pop Head are now serving Detention at Milford High School for 3 years.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. I bet you have better shooting form than Schuring too. Better arch, anyway.

 

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CRUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KLUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oops, sorry, Gil. Had too many Camarones con arroz. Here’s a twenty back.”

 

 

 

 

MOLECULES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY

Before I even get into snarking on this tired trope I’m gonna rant about the way those molecules are drawn on the midterm, with bonds just sprouting at random off cyclic compounds. I majored in chemistry and once upon a time I was a lab rat so this lazy-assed artwork triggers me even more than yesterday’s Goshen Shabbat Goyim jersey.  DAMMIT WHIGHAM BONDS DON’T JUST BRANCH OFF BETWEEN OTHER BONDS THESE ARE MOLECULES NOT MOLTEN ALUMINUM POURED IN A FIRE ANT NEST

Okay, now that that’s off my chest: The “steal the answers to the exam” trope has been made into a feature film at least twice and has been the plot of teen sitcoms too many times to count. We’re expected to believe our two overachieving student/athletes are going to stoop to buying a copy of an old exam from a kid who has done nothing but prank and tease one of them for Lord knows what reason that has yet to be revealed to us. Schuring at the least should be suspicious of DeMarco’s motives and, if she has any sense, so should Watson. Given that Chris has already shown himself not to consider Alexa an adversary, he should hip her to punk Teddy’s schtick in no time flat.

Of course nothing will be that straightforward. Honestly, in the past two weeks Rubin has not only let this plot run into the ditch but launched it off an embankment Toonces the Cat style.

Don’t Slam-Dance The Floor. Luhm Just Waxed It.

Don’t put that thesaurus away just yet. We’re being introduced to a new vocabulary and it’s going to take some doing to soak it all in the noodle, synonyms and antonyms included.

Like what IS the opposite of slam-dance? Polka-trotting? Really, I can’t see Marty Moon with the call

“And that’s the 3rd turnover this quarter, Alexa trying to make something happen really needs to polka-trot the ball and set up the offense.”

“…Alexa on the wing, Phoebe and Cindy Brady-Schuring-Willcox-Thorp, Jr. the others on the 3-on-2, Phoebe slam-dances 2 defenders, dishes the rock, put it in the books, Alexa on the finish. You could see that one coming.”

And this doesn’t have to be confined to basketball

“…Gretzky with the puck, slam-dances around the goalie, SCORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OILERS WIN IN A SLAM-DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Possibilities

Monday Night Football will never be the same with Frank Gifford tweaking his commentary

“…watch how Montana sets up in the pocket, sees Rice on a slant-and-right, Montana’s release is impeccable before he gets slam-danced to the ground by Mean Joe Greene…”

Dick Vitale just picked up a new phrase to add to his already-expansive lexicon

“…ohhhhhhhhh, get the busses warmed up, Baby, The General is going to walk out of Mackey with a slam-dance, Alford and Hillman just played brilliantly…”

I didn’t want to go hog-wild with this, I had to bring it back to basketball.

Speaking of basketball, are those 2 Dagwood background characters actually PLAYING basketball? I know Shawshank Gym can be structured a little funny but I don’t see a goal anywhere and the ball-handler and her defender are looking in the same direction. At what? A stray deer that wandered from Milford Petting Zoo? I hate to break it to the defender but if this is a defense drill and you don’t want your opponent to score at the goal down the hallway by the attendance office, I suggest you face your adversary if you don’t want an easy lay-up in front of the hall monitor. And slide your feet. The hall monitor is deceptively quick.

 

If ya slam-dance the basketball that’s made from the hide of a raccoon and ya break the rim off the goal and slam-dance the backboard so that glass winds up in yore crack, ya might be a redneck.

 

While I’m slam-dancing my head back to reality, where is that girl dribbling to? Is she going to drive to the black hole, er, bucket? Is she dribbling to Zion? The beautiful city of Gil?

Okay, enough bitching on that one. And commence bitching on another one.

Evidently a tornado has run loose in the school and Mimi is expressing appropriate concern. And remember when we were kids and we did the tornado drill where we were instructed to sit and fold our bodies into a ball, facing the wall? Hey, if I didn’t want to get smacked by a runaway student-athlete trying to up her game by imitating Hurricane Mimi, I’d gladly face the wall Charlie Brown and Linus lean on when they’re discussing Mudlark athletics.

“Pig Pen can do a better job of coaching than Coach Thorp. You just SEE the stench and dirt when Pig Pen’s got the clipboard.”

“Athletics and losing sometimes go hand in hand, Charlie Brown.”

“Yeah, but Gil is married to those two. I understand it was a shotgun wedding.”

Hey, I just conjured up another idea for a Fawcett-Crest paperback, All This and Snoopy Too. Well, can’t have Gil show up, not that I’m terribly worried that he or any other adult will show their faces in a Charlie Brown paperback. Just making sure.

Oh, yeah, the dribbler’s headed towards the wall where Charlie Brown and Linus are fellowshipping. This Get Tough For Girls Basketball By Dunking The Ball And Your Head campaign is getting contagious.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Smashes Into A Deer With His Buick Skylark, Costing $1000’s In Body Shop Repair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I get enough from Alexa damaging my bumper and front end on my other vehicle without some white-tail in estrus during mating season.”

 

And are YOU in luck, Gang. Thanks to all these gazillion Roget’s Thesaurus’s, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Pocket Edition, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Family Album-Milford Photo Studio Edition, Roget’s Thesaurus’s Basketball Lingo (perfect for feeder leagues) , I now possess a treasure trove of words at my disposal so that my vocabulary doesn’t run dry when I’m stuck on slam-dance when doing the crossword in the Milford Enquirer.

Try a few on for size

“Because after she slam-mazurka’d Jimmy Causey, you gave her a high five.”

“Honestly, Dr. Pearl, I didn’t mean to slam-choreograph Ms. Rizk’s Maxwell House and get it all over her Playtex bra. It’s just that the conference title is on the line tonight and I need to be ready.”

“Chris, I know you’re trying to take one for the team but we don’t need heroes now. No more slam-jitterbugging. Contest but don’t foul.”

“Gil, you don’t need to slam-hula-hula anyone to get those pork and beans. There’s plenty for all at the church fellowship supper.”

“Alexa with the drive, scoops and scores. My goodness, she has 38 points to go along with 21 rebounds. She is on a slam-St. Vitus’ Dance.”

Well, some bugs ya gotta work out. I’m sure the program director at WDIG will have a slam-basketball terminology list so there’ll be no more devil in the details.

And Gene Rayburn is back to slam-dance this plot into next week. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that if you slam-danced your __________________, you’d reach The Fountain of Youth.”

 

Now wait just a minute, Mimi, while you’re slam-Virginia-reeling your high horse. Didn’t YOU want Alexa to be more aggresive on offense, actually comparing her offense output to her GPA? (Nod your head “yes”.) Don’t wind this doll up to fever pitch, head down to the corner store for milk and eggs, fry up a souffle, then blame the kids when there’s too many egg shells in the omelette. Yeah, you can’t just let this Kewpie doll run all over the neighborhood, then call The Shark to sue the guy next door when his Shar-Pei chews up your prize possession. Either get a chain link fence or face the consequences that your player is somebody’s Kibbles ‘n’ Bits. Keep your dog bones and Kewpie dolls on your own side of the yard. Just sayin’.

“This is a Special Report. WDIG News has just received word from the Milford Police Department that they have cracked the case on who shot Coach Shaw. Detectives revealed that-

SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE GENERAL KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING WHEN HE RECRUITED THIS PTP’ER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE’S ON MY ALL-SLAM-CHA CHA TEAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE’S A REAL SLAM-EATER IN THE COURT…

And, Mimi, Joe Friday you are not. Not only should you not get puffy after you essentially got hoisted by your own petard, you make a lousy Barnaby Jones. Buddy Ebsen, who played the character, was notorious for forgetting his lines (ditto Jed Clampett on The Beverly Hillbillies) but the man could act. You can’t even act the part of a coach, let alone Dirty Harry.

Skipper, I agree, Gilligan shouldn’t be ramming his head into cocoanut trees just to do ANYTHING to get off the island. And you can trust the process and not have stitches and cocoanuts in your head. But YOU were the one encouraging Gilligan to literally go head first into this one. We are keeping score, Skipper, in case you left your scorebook back at the lagoon. All told, you can trust the process by getting back to the basics. Practice, for example. I’ve never known anyone get bonked by a stray cocoanut when practicing box-out drills. You should schedule a few, then you wouldn’t have Jerry Lawler running over teachers in his Peterbilt on Room 222 episodes.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is Slim Gaillard. He was an excellent Jazz musician, a bandleader who wrote the #1 hit in 1937 “Flat Foot Floogie.” If you listen to the song, I promise you, you’ll start gettin’ happy.

He played with the greats such as Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, and Miles Davis and cut some outstanding albums along the way. His unique way of talking, starting off many words with a “V” or just plain Hip-Hop in general, made him electric when singing his music or rubbing elbows with the gentlemen like above.

His contributions have been highly undervalued and it is high time Mr. Gaillard had his day in court. I salute you, Slim Gaillard.

 

One fine day on Primrose Lane in Milford

“Damn, my neighbor ran over my petunias with his Snapper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And now he slam-quadrille-d my leg off!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it’s my bowling night!!!!!!!!!! We’re up against the Milford Bowling League Champions!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Let me tell you, if my bowling ball got slam-gavotted by some runaway car from Milford & Oakwood Express, I’d be kickin’ some booty too. And at Sharkey Law Offices, we get it. You want your leg and bowling ball too. Hard to win Bumper Bowling without either in your repertoire. We’ll fight the insurance companies until you are literally standing on your feet.”

“I got $3,563,906,245,653 × 10v5 in compensation. I was not only able to walk again and be a mall walker at Milford Peddlers Outlet, I got a new Brunswick Titanium Special through the mail-order catalog, gratis. The UPS truck was on my doorstep in a couple of days with the Etch-a-Sketch form to sign my John Henry and a new ball. And I could stand and smell the roses along the way. Thanks, Shark.”

“What further proof do you need? Makes me want to go bowling and slam-riverdance those cheap K-Mart pins at that pinball bowling machine they have at the Milford Confectionary Shoppe. If you got slam-sarabanded because your partner flunked the final at Milford Dance Studio, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

 

Thanks for your patience, Gang. My vehicle broke down and it was a labor of love all day. You made me want to fight through this one. God bless you all.

 

In Ms. Rizk’s Intro English Usage for Journalism class on any given morning

“Okay. I think we understand the concept. Now who can express the opposite of slam-dance? Yes, Henry?”

“Coach Thorp felt like such a failure after Chris’ development schottische’d in the molasses. It was time to go back to the gym for more individual work and hope Coach Thorp would untarantella his head on straight. Chris started by ramming his head into the basket uprights.”

Well, as Lindsay Buckingham would say to Gil

GET OUTTA TOWN

 

Backin’ ’em Down In The Library.

Plucking books off the shelf

To finish an assignment

Knocking the girl next to me

Into consignment

 

Back ’em down

Bah dah dah dah

DOWN

Bah dah dah dah

DOWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

 

What a great way to start off Mimi’s experiment via Chris Schuring’s Guide to Better Basketball: A Method to Up Your Game Through Physical Play (Preface by Shaquille O’Neal and accompaniment by Lindsay Buckingham) .

Gang, I’ve been a coach and have dealt with last place teams and any coach will tell you who has been in a similar situation that if you want the team to get better, sometimes you have to ruffle some feathers or step on some toes. Maybe the player thought he or she was All-Star status, but if somebody was BETTER, you played that other player and the All-Star took a seat. Once, when a player was missing free throws badly, he blamed the rims. I kindly, gently reminded him that his shooting technique sucked and if he wanted to get better, he was going to have to change it. I was willing to take the losses and the players take the wins if he would listen. He got the message.

But NO WAY would I EVER encourage a player to mow ’em down in the hallway or at the Milford 7-11. No, it was not necessary to box out Aunt Bea at the Slushee machine. You’d get your Strawberry/Lime concoction and still make it a non-contact sport. Hey, I know I was going to get my Grippo’s Bar-B-Q Chips this morning without employing Sumo wrestling.

So when I see Alexa shove Cindy Brady out of the way to jockey for position over Song of the Hiawatha, at Phoebe Keener’s insistence no less, I just cringe. Gee, Mimi, did you ever think of PRACTICE? It’s amazing what gets accomplished. And then there’s the weight room in case a player needs to get stronger when he or she is getting pushed around underneath. I’m sure there’s one next to the library if you’d get your head out of Gil’s butt and smell the coffee. I bet that’d smell better than Gil’s butt. Or his coaching.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Ticketed After Incident At Milford Amusement Park!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Officer said my bumper car rammed another into the kiddie merry-go-round. I don’t know, I was pretendin’ to be Alexa.”

 

“Alexa, what happened to you? You got a black eye, couple of missing teeth, and half our hair’s ripped out!!!!!!!!”

“I was doing my book report on The Magnificent Ambersons.”

 

And where is Gil and Mimi? The librarian is more likely to appear than Frick and Frack in the near future.

And as long as we’re going to pursue this awkward player-coach consortium designed to get Alexa to play better, I have a few suggestions. Why, after I get done with her, she’ll be the next Dr. J.

F’rinstance, what about doing a potato sack race in the hallway, it’s M.C. Escher enough to be perplexing yet grueling. She could race Dr. Pearl from a drinking fountain by the Foreign Language Department office to the Bunsen burners in the Chem Lab. They have to wear goggles once they enter. Safety and skill and aggressiveness all rolled into one. Sounds like a plan to me. And Dr. Pearl is nearing retirement anyway after several centuries on the job, her insurance will cover her nursing home stay when she’s rehabbing her tibia and coccyx.

Or tug of war in the cafeteria? She picks out her favorite enemy and winner gets free Hostess Suz-ee-Q’s for a year, the loser has to plunge his or her face into a Suz-ee-Q. If that doesn’t get your adrenaline pumping and/or get you to shoot the damn ball WHEN YOU’RE OPEN, then we’re running out of options. Mimi ought to stick her whole head in the Hostess Twinkies on the rack after her coach-and-carry lessons have gone the way of Hadley V. but that’s another matter. The issue is to score and eat the Twinkie, not use it for facial rouge.

And when I was going to school and the fraternities and sororities had Greek Week, one of the events was Shorts Exchange Race. You had four people, two on one end, two at another and these oversize shorts that you ran with (you HAD to hold onto them, they were huge) from one end to the other which you exchanged with a partner by your both sitting down, you taking them off, your partner putting them on, then racing to the other endcto do the same thing until the last person and when that last person raced to the finish line with the baggy merchandise first, the team won the race (and there was 2nd and 3rd place so that other fraternities and sororities still had a chance at points).

And I can’t see any other way how this wouldn’t compel Alexa to rise from ashes after she hit the deck from some Goshen player trying to send a message. She and Phoebe at one end, Gil and Mimi at the other, if they have big enough shorts and a winning attitude could outduel Steve Luhm and Ms. Rizk at one end and Marty Moon and Peaches at the other, the WDIG program director as an alternate. If that doesn’t earn a laural wreath and more aggressive play in the paint, Wilt didn’t score 100 in Hershey, Pennsylvania. 28 points, 16 boards every night for Alexa if I’m doing my math right.

 

Jostling Mimi to the side

When I have to poopie

The bathroom stall is only big enough

For the dog Droopy

 

Back ’em down

Bah dah dah dah

DOWN

Bah dah dah dah

DOWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNN

 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNN

 

How do you explain P2? Granted, she’s taller than Cindy in P1, probably because Cindy is sitting down. But in P2, a raging argument could be made that Alexa is standing on stilts or a pile of Russian literature, including The Brothers Karamazov, Anna Karenina, and Baryshinikov Flattens Shaq With a Pas de Deux, The English Translation. And the combo Willy Wonka Midget-Kewpie Doll is just that, a midget. She stands 2-foot-3 during the 7th Inning Stretch. If Alexa is going to practice being Dennis Rodman, she could have picked some taller competition. People with growth comcerns isn’t really aiding and abetting in the Brainwashing Alexa To Be More Aggressive To The Lions When She’ll Be Thrown In The Milford Colosseum Once Again Campaign.

Nice Freckles, though.

 

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw pulls over Alexa in her Plymouth Horizon one day

“Let me see your license and registration.”

After several minutes of poring over the documents, long enough to get to a commercial break

“Young lady, I know your coach is trying to toughen you up on the basketball floor but that ain’t no reason to run 7 stop lights and fly 80 in a School Zone. You almost ran over some kids after you ran the school bus stop sign. I’m gonna let you off with a warning this time-

BLAMMMMMMMMMMMMM

“No, can’t use guns when she’s trying to protect an image. You’ll have to rewrite the script.”

 

“Abner. ABNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There’s something fishy going on over at the Thorps. They’re actually having sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Can it, Gladys. You said that when Darren Stevens got his vasectomy.”

 

Racing to the classroom

Dead set on winning

Acting as if entering

Is the last of the ninth inning

 

Back ’em down

Bah dah dah dah

DOWN

Bah dah dah dah

DOWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OHHHHHHHH-

 

Dr. Pearl knocks on the faculty bathroom door

“Gil, are you OK? You’ve been in there for 25 minutes.”

 

And this fire drill disguised as coaching isn’t just confined to the library, saints be praised. Nope, Alexa has to jockey for position, well, just about anywhere in the school. Milford High School has become Last Woman Standing for Alexa. As Springsteen said in Jungleland, kids flash guitars just like switchblades. She’s certainly flashing her Gibson, especially with the student in P3.

John Entwistle of The Who absoluted hated playing Magic Bus because he played just one note on his bass for 8 minutes. But Alexa, if you want to run with the Big Dogs and throw a few of them under the wrestling mat during and after the game (sometimes you gotta play rough) , boring and aggressive many times go hand in hand. Blood Sweat & Tears and a little Ennui along the way and you’ve got the brass ring.

 

If ya have ta shove yore bloodhounds out uv the way at night after ya got off second shift at Milford Foundry from a hard night on the assembly line tape-gunnin’ cardboard boxes in the swelterin’ conditions cuz ya gotta make room ta go ta sleep, ya might be a redneck.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is Thomas Sowell. I was reluctant to add him to the fold, given his very Conservative views, as I have tried to keep this site as neutral as possible. Still, there’s no denying his intellect and his contributions to the economic landscape and political landscape, for that matter. I have read his books on the economy for years and while I understandably don’t agree with everything he writes, his writings are well-argued and have been VERY influential in the shaping of American economic policy. A Harvard student at one time, he taught at several major universities for years, furthering his legacy on economics. Please join me in saluting a man who has utilized his superior mind, especially on economics, to make this country the great nation that it is.

 

“And Alexa gets Mr. Clyde on the 3 count. That last vertical suplex was the finishing touch. We still have more to come. The King and Jeff Jarrett will defend their Southern Tag Titles here in WDIG studios after these messages. Don’t you dare go away.”

 

“Man, wasn’t that an exciting match? I can’t wait until Alexa takes on The Moon Dogs later on this month. She’ll be a basketball MVP after she tangles with Spot and Richard Lee. I’ll have my TV ready for that one after it comes out of Milford Appliance Repair.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and at Milford Beverage Warehouse, you don’t have to slam Reggie B. Fine into the turnbuckle to cash in on the deals. And what’s even better, your favorite liquor is now color-coded for freshness.

Let Busch Beer say what it wants. Let them flap their jaws about their mountain being blue to indicate their beer is cold. I don’t know about you but if I have to hire a sherpa to climb Mt. Everest for a case of Bud, I’d just as soon drink Cup-a-Soup. Color-coding is a lot easier.

So if you see a Carolina blue bottle icon, you’ll have to wait a few minutes for the brews to attain proper ventilation. You might want to go shop for a couple of 12-packs of Coca-Cola and some Milford Beer Nuts while the brew is getting properly aged.

If the liquor is pink, it’s going to take a while so if you possesss a cell phone, it’d be a good time to call your broker or your wife. A red bottle icon, and you might want to get the kids to soccer practice before you head back to the warehouse.

But that’s what separates the men from the boys. The Warehouse is meticulous enough to ensure proper quality and freshness. That’s important when sucking in The Good Life. No sense in getting plowed with bottles that are on red alert.

So, rest assured, Maker’s Mark Whiskey will display a blue bottle icon on the label and at a rock-bottom price of $23.99. Nice to when you’re entertaining the neighbors and they get a little sloshy. Let no man leave my doors with lukewarm booze.

There’ll be no pink icons on Pink Truck Wine products and that’s nice to know when you’re shelling out $7.99 on your Social Security Disability Card. Why go through extra hassle when you can see nothing but pink elephants and nothing else?

Is Basil Hayden Bourbon your drink of choice? No problem. And as an added bonus, if THERE IS a red bottle icon on the product, you get it absolutely free. Isn’t it nice to know you don’t have to go around the world in 80 days for the stoplight to change from red to blue. Hey, blue’s a go around here. Sorry, this deal only applies to this merchandise. No substitutes, such as Tito’s Skrewball. You’ll have to pay the everyday price of $26.99 even if the icon is chartreuse.

Boy, if I can my Corona Extra with a blue bottle and pay chump change for it, by gum, you know where I’m going. After you’ve scaled Mt. Milford, come check out the water here at Milford Beverage Warehouse where you not only can drink it, but it’s COLD. And tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Gang, jump on it. Just don’t shove me out of the way doing it. I gotta go to work tomorrow.

 

“…and Alexa knocks The King flat on the ground after he said something about her mother. Well, that’ll wrap things here at WDIG studio. For Corey Macklin, this is Dave Brown. So long, everybody.”

 

“I bought this Boston Lager 12-Pack a couple of days ago and there’s a magenta bottle at the top.”

“Do you have your receipt?”

Take My Emissary, Please.

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

These Woody Woodpecker jokes

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Belong in an ash tray, Folks

 

Don’t these ignorant churls

Ever flirt with the girls

Rather than utter inane humor

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Teddy’s head is one great tumor

 

I lost track of how many panels we’ve been seeing in the name of (fingers crossed) establishing the plot and this ain’t pretty, Gang. We have already learned that Alexa the Computer who goes by the nickname HAL doesn’t like being called IBM (“You don’t like being called “Al”, Dave. You can understand), Chris lives in the Twilight Zone and is HAL’s competition on the academic front and that Teddy Demarco’s idol is Woody Woodpecker. It shows.

And instead of going to the Milford Comedy Club on Monda y(“Open Mike Night”) and doing his own act, he’s gotta send Mop Head to do his dirty work. Did you ever see Rodney Dangerfield’s step-brother shove Schroeder on stage, after the latter was in his Hanes practicing “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik” (Lucy: “Schroeder, put on some pants, I don’t care what Gilbert & Sullivan piece you’re playing”)? That’s the equivalent today.

But the possibilities

“Yeah, I stuck my head in the microwave and after 30 seconds, the kids start calling me Jiffy Pop Head. I’m tellin’ ya, I don’t get no respect.”

Come on, Monday.

 

It’s bad enough that a few panels ago, we were observing Mudlark Ladies in their uniforms gossiping in Lifetime Basketball Gym Class, but Woody, if you’re going to sacrifice a lamb to dig at somebody, don’t send Mop Head and his See Spot Run humor.

 

See Dick over there.

He’s playing basketball with Jane.

Dick’s going to do a Cake-Baking-Baby-Shaking-Rump-Roasting-Bun-Toasting-High-Flyin’-Robinzine-Cryin’-I’m-Gonna-Go-Groovin’-So-Ya-Better-Get-Movin’-Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am-Glass-Breaker-I-Am-Jam on Jane.

Dick blows the dunk.

And Chocolate Thunder is crying.

Poor Dick.

 

Now THAT’S humor, Mr. Woodpecker.

 

Big shout-out to Chloe Whitaker of Louisville, Kentucky. She represents America with her hard work and determination. As a manager of Pizza Hut, she is able to get the pizzas and drinks out, the delivery drivers on time, and greet the customer at the Carry-Out with the professionalism that keeps the customer coming back. She is doing this while raising a family. Gang, I think she needs to be treated with respect. Come see why next time you’re in the area at the Pizza Hut on Lower Hunters Trace and Dixie Highway. I salute you, Chloe. America needs you.

 

Hoo boy. What is THAT hiding behind the balloon in P1. As long as Johnny Carson is going to congratulate the up-and-coming comedian for making Ed McMahon puke in his martini by making references to the comedian’s Chef Boy-Ar-Dee head, when he’s not making fun of someone’s lack of activity on the basketball floor (That happens around HERE? Perish the thought), I’d like to surmise the latest entry into the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects.

Some of you might call it a window. I beg to differ. I think Frida Kahlo contracted with the Chet Ballard-less Milford School Board to paint one gigantic banana she found in her back yard. The gods blessed the Mayan civilization with their own version of manna and it crash-landed in Kahlo’s kiddie swimming pool. What better way to commemerate damages to the scenery and still stay true to character. Even if you can’t fit the Chiquita on the canvas, well, hey, this is artistic expression. Sometimes you gotta use your imagination. Might as well, we’re having to do that with basketball. I bet the Dagwood Bumstead background crowd would agree. Yeah, smile for the camera, John Doe the Teenager, as long as you’re breaking the Fourth Estate while munching on a Twinkie. Or is that Diego Rivera, Frida’s husband? He’ll show up more than the officials at Mimi’s basketball games.

 

If ya git on stage and start rattlin’ off Hee Haw humor that yore readin’ off the note cards ya made out of the toilet paper in the outhouse, requirin’  3 rolls ta fine-tune yore act, ya might be a redneck.

 

At the Milford Comedy Club on Open Mike Night

“…and so Woody Woodpecker says to Pogo, ‘ya wanna split the scene and see what Winnie the Pooh is doing? I heard he’s trying to get Tigger off the bottle.’ And Pogo says ‘What do I look like, Elmer Fudd?'”

Silence

“Gil, I understand Mimi needs an assistant. They’re actually going to play basketball this year.”

 

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Greg Brady got dissed again

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Peter is really pissed, My Friend

 

This comedy show

Really needs to go

We prefer a gutter soon

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Basketball’s done began its swoon

 

Okay, okay, you swing-first-ask-questions later crowd aren’t satisfied so here’s what I’m gonna do to address the situation at hand

 

FRIDAY NIGHT, 8:00PM AT THE MILFORD GARDENS

 

CHRIS “THE ANIMAL” SCHURING

VS.

MR. T a/k/a TEDDY THE BEAR

NO TIME LIMIT, NO DISQUALIFICATION

MUDLARK CAGE MATCH

LOSER SPENDS THE REST OF THE SEMESTER TYPING MS. RIZK’S SYLLABI FOR INTRO JOURNALISM, ALL 4 CLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DON’T MISS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Doesn’t that just fill your cup for vengeance? I know I get a rush while I’m typing all this. And I understand Anonymous Calculus Dude will be the referee.

 

P3-“I ran into a guy once who said he hadn’t had a French fry in 3 days.”

“What’d you do, Groucho?”

“I fried him.”

 

 

“I gave my wife my hair. She said, ‘No thanks, Dear, I have enough stuffing in the pillows’.”

BA DA BOOM

You can see the rest of Henny Youngman this Thursday at the Milford Comedy Club.

 

Gang, anybody who knows me knows that I live for coffee. I’m sipping on a cappuccino even as I text. And Folger’s is the best in the business, in my view. And Virginia Christine, the lady who played Mrs. Olson in the Folger’s commercials is a great actress.

That said, I’m a little befuddled why a lady with a Swedish surname has a German accent

 

At the Thorp Hog Farm one sunny day

“Mommy, there’s a strange woman in the kitchen.”

“I wonder who that can be?”

Gil, trying to snarf a bite of sausage from his Gil Thorp Pure Pork Italian Sausage and Wheaties breakfast sees the light

THAT’S MRS. OLSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“You are rrrrrright, Coach Torp-”

“Thorp, Mrs. Olson.”

“It’s OK, Mimi, she’s Latvian. They have trouble with their “TH’s”.

“Now vy don’t you bot seet down and I vill make you a cup uv Folger’s Hazelnut?”

“Ummmmmm, umm. Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Links, some Eggo Blueberry Waffles, some Trix, and Folger’s hits the spot, Mrs. Olson. They DO have Trix on the shelf in Patagonia, right, Mrs. Olson?”

“Gil, I think she’s German trying to be Bjorn Borg.”

“Eeess OK, Mrs. Torp, some people tink I’m an Eskimo with my accent. But I tell tem vetter you arrrrrreee Chinese or frrrroommmm Haiti, Folgers hits de spot at ze Milford Fireman’s Ball.”

“Mrs. Olson, I don’t care if it’s against the religion to sell Mel Purnell or Tennessee Pride or Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage in Oman where you’re from, my sausage patties and your coffee are a winning combo anytime.”

“Gil, don’t I satisfy?”

“Mimi, sometimes I get tired of eatin’ my Gil Thorp Kosher-Prepared Pure Pork Sausage with your combo Eight o’Clock Decaf and Nestle’s Quik concoction. Sometimes a man’s gotta have good eatin’.”

“I’m not talking about the coffee.”

“Whatever, Mrs. Olson and the rest of her Lapplanders know how to deliver good coffee FedExed on the reindeer. Nice to know when I’m devouring my Gil Thorp This Ain’t Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage.”

“Oh, Mr. Torp, you say ze nicest tings. I will lose my Bulgarian accent and join you for breakfast.”

“Sure, there’s plenty of Gil Thorp Flapjack-Size Sausages to go around. In fact, why don’t you finish that plate my kids were eating off of.

And Folks, get your package of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage today. Tennessee Pride’s porkers couldn’t hold my jock. Come see why at your local grocer.”

 

Have at it, Gang. I’m sneakin’ in for the early show at Milford Comedy Club. I understand Gil will be funnier this time. The producer is making him use a teleprompter.

 

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Time for this farce to end

Huh huh huh HUH huh

False comics may not extend

 

I’ve seen better acts

That’s a mighty fact, Jack

Slapstick that made you laugh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

An overload of frickin’ gaffes

 

 

Speaking of Carson

“The last time I had hair like that, Ed was begging me to make string cheese out of it as a substitute to cure his drinking.”

“Stop it, Johnny, you’re killin’ me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

“Mr. Freeze, after you’ve freeze-dried Batman and Robin in that gigantic Thermos cup, have some Gil Thorp Pure Pork Fritters to celebrate your takeover of Gotham City.”

“Gil, that’s Mrs. Olson serving Folgers Breakfast Blend and scones.”

Watson, Come Here Into The Gym, We Need You To Play Basketball

A few years ago, Lester Holt was interviewing a lawyer involved in a controversial case somewhere in rural North Carolina. I can’t remember the exact details but if you’ll allow me to improvise, it was concerning some business or radio station that was defending its Constitutional rights when comments laced with profanity was published or said on the air.

When Holt asked the lawyer about the crux of the case, the lawyer proceeded to quote what he and his plaintiffs were complaining about, bearing in mind this was NOT the defendant’s lawyer

“…and we are objecting to ‘Up shit creek’ or ‘I want to fuck you blind’ or ‘Gil couldn’t coach out of a douchebag’…”

And FINALLY Holt mercifully interrupted the lawyer, since this was on an NBC News Magazine and therefore national news, by saying

ALL RIGHT WE GET THE POINT WE DON’T NEED THIS BARRAGE OF PROFANITY ON NATIONAL TV THERE ARE KIDS WATCHING THIS SHOW

Holt afterwards apologized profusely for what arguably wasn’t necessary to quote on TV, especially because again this was the same lawyer fighting AGAINST what he himself was guilty of and was fighting, i.e., the usage of inappropriate language to drive home the issue.

And Thorpiverse

WE GET THE JOKE. IT MIGHT HAVE TAKEN ANOTHER 3-PANEL SET TO CATCH IT BUT WE HAVE A FIRM GRASP ON THE HUMOR WE DON’T NEED TO SKIP OVER GIRLS BASKETBALL LIKE WE DID LAST YEAR AND PICK UP WHERE LEFT OFF AND TRY TO GET CREATIVE WITH WATSON COMEDY AT THE BUCKET

They don’t have homework? Richie and Ralph and Potsie and The Fonz sit around at Al’s and conjure up new ways to express themselves about Richie Cunningham’s dad?

The Foghorn Leghorn approach

“Oh, say, can you C, Mr. C.?”

“That’s a funny, Dad.”

 

 

“Oh, Howard, you spilled your fruit punch all over your pants. Let me get you a Bounty.”

“Marion, I’m fine. I’ll just throw them in the wash later…”

“Aaaaayyyyyyy, Mr. C., I wouldn’t let that Hi-C settle on you, Mr.C. You’ll have a sea full of Vitamin C Hi-C all over Mr.C., see?”

“Eat the rest of your peas, Arthur. Here, Howard, here’s a Kleenex.”

 

Gang, if we have to have several more panels of Hee Haw, we’re in trouble

“Man, Roy, I can’t find those county corn yield reports anywhere. Can you help me look?”

“They ain’t come out of Lulu the Supercomputer’s mouth yet, Buck.”

Archie Campebell steps in

“That’s all right. Heck, Lulu’s so fat, they have to perform a Lamaze procedure when she’s spitting printouts.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Alexa, is that you

I hope that football’s finally through

Basketball could be in view

I can pray

Hard to say

There’s only one thing that there’s left to play

Tip-off might be any day

 

We gotta get you a ballgame

It’s the only thing to show that this plot is alive

We gotta get you a ballgame

You better quit walkin’

They call that stuff Traveling

 

Because I’m amused because I saw a sign on a grocery store advising customers to

PLEASE DON’T PARK IN FRONT OF THE STORE

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Local Resident Fined Severely For Double-Parking At Milford IGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Shaw: ‘I was just getting eggs for my wife. And that Iams Beef a-Plenty 15-lb. bag for my huntin’ dog was hard on my back.'”

 

Let me get the obvious out of the way in P1. The girls are actually drawn pretty darn well and Phoebe is a cutie in that scene.

Then we get to her burger. Oh my.

Unless The Bucket is marketing Art Nouveau Leaning Towers of Pisa disguised as an overloaded Big Mac with one pickle and onion too many, I think I’ll order the Bucket Full o’ Pasta. C’mon, I’m still utilizing the Italian language.

I could go to a Milford Zoning Board meeting with that structure and make my case for a high-rise condo unit on a vacant lot in Downtown Milford. Drainage shouldn’t be a problem with that thing, just set that Tower of Babel at a perpendicular and the grease is as good as gone. I’ll get approved at next month’s meeting, unanimously.

Now I delve into the not-so-obvious. This one will have to be broken down if we’re to build the logic back up.

And what better way to dive into deductive reasoning than to transpose what’s being said in P1 to Pop’s Choklit Shoppe where Archie and Veronica are sitting in a booth.

“Oh, Archiekins, I am buying the Popsburger Combo with Extra Buffalo Fries and a side order of Onion Rings and Pop’s Veggie Lasagna because Daddy ran over Jughead in his Lamborghini.”

“Did they get Mr. Lodge for a DUI?”

“Now you know Daddy doesn’t drink and drive, Love.”

“That’s true. You still want to go to the drive-in movie. We can go right after Jughead’s funeral.”

“Oh, Archiekins, you say the sweetest things.”

 

If yore computer is nicknamed “Bubba” because it’s the only computer on the planet that gives ya printouts while its butt’s hangin’ out, sportin’ more pimples in its crack than a teenager, ya might be a redneck.

 

Talking ’bout Thorp, he’s so under the gun

This plot is stupid, not a lot of fun

Let’s hope that basketball won’t be shunned

And then we’ll take some time to get your stuff together

GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER

Cuz, we gotta get you a ballgame…

 

But enjoy the generic School Cafeteria Burger, Alexa. All students get a free one everytime someone calls him or her HAL.

“Would you mind passing the mustard, Dave?”

 

 

“Will Archie Andrews and Moose Mason use hedge clippers to pare the rest of Mr. T.’s grandson’s head? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion here on WDIG-TV.”

 

Because I’m in eternal wonder over these ED ads advising a person to throw away his old dick pills

 

At Mudlark Lake Resort one Autumn afternoon

 

THESE GODDAM PILLS AREN’T GETTING ME ANY HARDER THAN MARTY’S HEAD!!!!!!!!!!! THIS NAXIUM IS WORTHLESS. THE PHARMACIST SAID IT WOULD TAKE CARE OF MY HEARTBURN AND MY ED PROBLEMS. I’M FLUSHIN’ THESE SUCKERS-

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

YEAH?

“Daddy, I gotta go #2 bad. My Underoos are stinky already.”

“Hold on, Jaime. Daddy has to unload some garbage and this can’t wait THAT’S THE LAST TIME I LISTEN TO THOSE ASSHOLES AT MILFORD APOTHECARY. THEY SAID MY WIENER WOULD TURN TO STONE AFTER I USED MIRALAX. I CAN SHIT LIKE A RHINO BUT MY WIENIE’S STILL A WIENIE-

Mimi approaches

“Gil, you OK? They can hear you from the other side of the lake. I could hear you cuss at the boat ramp over the Evinrude motor and that thing was louder than a Who concert.”

“I’m sorry, Honey, but I got to flush my troubles down the drain. The Pharmacy Grad Student at Milford Community College said the Children’s Mucinex Nightshift Relief would cause my thingamabob to be stiff enough to hang a flag on. Snot’s runnin’ out of it more than blood’s flowin’ into it. I’m flushin’ this across the Charon.”

“Gil, you’re in an outhouse.”

“Mimi, I couldn’t care less if I’m in the penthouse. When I use my Mudlark Visa Gold to buy Milford Apothecary Ibuprofen, I expect to dominate my women like Thor shootin’ one out of the sky.”

“Gil, I have a better idea. Why don’t you try one of the EREC-STYLE 9800 that I stuffed in your stuffing and consider it a pre-Christmas gift? It works better than Coricidin or Vick’s VapoRub.”

“HEY THAT’S IT. LET ME RUB SOME ON MY OSCAR MEYER WIENER AND YOU WILL TRULY BE IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Maybe so, but in the meantime, you’ll have to clean the poopie off the jungle gym. Jaime just had an accident.”

 

“Why go through all that frustration when I could have used EREC-STYLE 9800, sold exclusively at Milford Men’s Clinic. No more throwing Aleve or Bayer in the dumpster for Milford Sanitary Solutions to pick up. I am not only having the time of my life, but the bathroom is free for my kids when they’ve eaten one chimichanga too many at Milford Taco Bell. Come get your fun at the Clinic and leave Garbage Day for your canteloupe rinds. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

Thanks to Cooper Stewart of Louisville, Kentucky for help with the above idea. Cooper works hard and his raw sense of humor keeps me going and gives me GREAT ideas. Cooper represents America with his dedication to his job and just by being himself. Don’t ever change, My Man. America needs you.

 

Go at it, Gang. I’m going to court to testify for Mr. Lodge. They say he was guilty of pulling a Gil with his car. I wonder how you get busted just by owning an idle car that plops its butt on the practice field but we do have Due Process, Thank God.

 

And when we’re done with youuuuu

We’ll do it with baseball, too.

 

Thanks for putting up with my love for Todd Rundgren. You’re #1 in my book, Gang.

Good Lord, I Can See the End from Here

 

Hey boys and girls! Let’s

Get into the holidays

With a few haiku!

 

Milford Star headline:

Ballard Resigns from School Board

by Marjie Ducey

 

Woodward and Bernstein

Got nothing on Marjie’s mad

Journalism skills

 

It didn’t hurt that

Chet Ballard was as subtle

As a heart attack

 

Wants to be called “Dad”

By his stepson Charlie, but

Tries a bit too hard

 

What was Chet thinking?

Charlie would play more if Chet

Outed the starter?

 

Chet thought he’d dish dirt

Forgot he left a keystroke trail

What a nincompoop

 

Better if he had

Taught Charlie not to fumble

The ball won’t drop itself

 

Guess what’s next, Chet? “It’s

Only going to get worse.”

Time for Divorce Court!

 

Hasn’t There Already Been an Investigation?

Excuse me but haven’t Marjie, the superintendent and Captain Man Bun already investigated Ballardgate?  What’s left to investigate?  How about some of the details in today’s strip?

P1: How much squirming must it take to get your forearm in front of you to facepalm at that angle?  Careful Chet, you’ll poke your eye out.

P2: We’re on to the third day in a row where people are just reading Marjie’s article aloud to other people.  I can see why Gil looks a little pissy, especially since Mimi’s leaning over him to point at what she’s reading.  (Bet she’s one of those people whose lips move when they read to themselves.)  It’s enough to distract him from his carbo loading. Must have a heavy day of lifting with Kaz on the agenda.

P3 triggered a lot of childhood memories for me, as I remember fondly the day my father bought me a Howard Elston catcher’s mitt. Superintendent Elston looks like a lot of recycled art pasted together: Lee Corso’s head with Paulie Walnuts’ hair spliced atop a  torso Walt “No Neck” Williams style, an odd suit jacket with contrasting lapels and a pocket square but no necktie, and topped off with Whigham’s signature gesticulating hand.  He gets the “immediate” part of the investigation; not so sure about the “thorough” though, as he sends his female charge off with no real direction.

That’s all I have to say about that.  Tip of the hat to Rubin for reminding me of the first black Yankee and the man who had the unfortunate task of having to fill Yogi Berra’s shoes.