This Week in Milford

November 24, 2018

Tiki Can’t Really Dust for Vomit

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Well this backfired

Subtlety’s not Joe’s forte

But is self-defense?

 

Bolek’s a dumbass

Use phone camera for this

It’s not Rick Soto

 

Whaddaya expect

From a guy who paints crosswalks

With tiny brushes?

 

Can film buff buddies

Jump in, make this a fair fight?

Outlook not so good

 

Now Mudlarks will need

Another new punter

Like Spinal Tap drummers

 

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October 4, 2018

“Gil, They Can All Boom It From 50+ Yards, But One of the Seven Chinese Brothers Has Turf Toe.”

Gil Thorp Comic Strip for October 05, 2018

 

 

Seven Chinese Brothers were once asked

If they could punt

Six were sure of foot

Five kicked 50 yards

One was a runt

 

Gang, as you might surmise, this post will have an REM flavor to it. Why not? One of the more influential Rock ‘n’ Roll bands, and then some, they will weigh in today on this plot already on life support. Call it pulling the plug on this vegetable with a little help from my friends.

 

Brace yourself. Gil is starting to get intellectual on us. I should have seen it coming when the other day Kaz and Joe started sounding like the VideoHound. I understand Leonard Maltin will be giving the pregame speech the next game.

“You guys could do better in the plot but I liked the cinematography. Those poplars on top of a rosebush we see in the background at Mudlark Stadium save the film from a total disaster and the script, though I’ve seen better in Godzilla vs. The Mudlark, peters out and gives us a ray of hope should there be a sequel. Now kick New Thayer’s ass, Gentlemen.”

“LET’S DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

And sure, not all coaches are dumb jocks, having been involved as a high school booster/coach, but  Coach Kaz looking like he just read out of Fodor’s French in 10 Days is REALLY stretching it. Next thing you know, he’ll be utilizing all the French words we use in English anyway just to display to the world that there’s a Harvard side to him.

“Gil, voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?”

“No, Kaz, I can’t go with you to the cafeteria for breakfast. My doctor told me to cut back on the bacon/egg soufflé and grits. No Cream of Wheat either.”

So the next time you see graffiti in stall #3 in the boys bathroom and it reads “Madame Pearl est plein de le merde”, it won’t require Miss Marple to find out who the culprit is.

 

Situation clearly sucks

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Pistons in combustion chamber stuck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Gil would sport much better luck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

In his bathtub coaching his rubber duck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Ohhhhhh, wish we were on our way

la da da da DA DA

Basketball next day

la da da da DA DA

We can only plead and pray

 

Ages of Gil

Ages of Gil

Ages of Gil

Yeah

 

And JUST WHEN Gil and Kaz go Einstein on us, P2 confirms it was a false sense of security.

POP QUIZ TODAY???????

Isn’t pop ANYTHING meant to convey a sense of surprise with the intention of compelling your underlings to cough up information that you should have been studying the night before instead of going to the Milford Bijou to watch “The Return of the Brady Bunch: Mr. Brady Transfers to Milford Toyota As A Corporate Lawyer”? And speaking of the Brady Bunch, isn’t that Mr. Price, y’know, old-timers, the one Peter Brady was snowing because he was so focused on working on the school newspaper that he forgot to memorize all the capitals of Latin America and South America? He still might have passed if he’d taken more time spelling “Tegucicalpa” correctly. Spell-checker might have helped, Peter.

“Peter Brady, you still might have saved your grade but Tijuana is not the capital of Honduras.”

“My bad, Mr. Price.”

“I’ll give you half credit for remembering that Bolivia has two capitals, La Paz and Sucre if you’ll try to remember that America did not sign over the Panama Canal to Aramco.”

“Gee, thanks, Mr. Price. Your wife looked good in that bikini at Mudlark Lake Resort last weekend. She’s fit and trim at 87 years old.”

 

Shout-out to Kathlynn Turner of Jeffersontown, Kentucky. I LOVED your sharing how your family members, Bill Davis and Levi Beauchamp, were truck drivers for several years and worked countless and thankless hours at their jobs so we could get the goods we wanted ASAP. They certainly kept the flow going for the finer things in life. Gang, they kept America moving. They are the unsung heroes that keep our economy STRONG. Without them, we wait DAYS for our favorite items to come, as in the past, Colonial or Cowboy period, take your pick. I salute you, Levi and Bill. You too, Kathlynn.

 

Gang, whaddup wit this quid pro quo stuff?

“Okay, Joe, then it’s settled. You can have my entire DVD collection of ‘Planet of the Apes’ including ‘The Battle of Armageddon Decimates Milford on the Planet of the Apes’ if you’ll kick for us.”

“Throw in Coach Thorp’s ‘Them!!!!!’, ‘Tarantula’, and ‘The Blob Swallows Milford’, and I’ll call it deal.”

” ‘fraid not. Coach says that was his collector’s items when he first started the strip and they’ve been in the heirloom for ages. His grandma watched them on her old Victrola.”

“How ’bout REM’s “The Footballs of Guatemala” to sweeten the pot?””

 

Milford & Oakwood train whistle introducing next song, accompanied by strtident guitar lick on Marty’s ukulele, just imagine the possibilities, Marty and Peter Buck in a guitar duel

 

Windout

Can you kick a ball

Windout

Does Kaz care at all

Windout

Should we return Gil’s call

Windout

Will you play this Fall

 

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

(Great guitar licks, Peter Buck, way to apply the pressure with your strings)

 

Oh, Mister Bolek

 

Should we doubt

That you’re done with film

Windout

That you’ll take the helm

Windout

The team won’t go to Hell

Windout

The strip stays put as well

 

Windout

Windout

Windout

WINDOUT

Punt Punt Punt Punt

 

I was tempted to call this plot “Dead Letter Office”. Nah, no sense in disgracing the group with a plot in a coma. Anyway

I’M GETTING TIRED OF THIS PLOT IN A CIRCUS TENT…Uncle Gil

Okay, Gil looks nowhere near like Uncle Ben, I can’t even imagine him on the rice box, it’s literally black and white,  but I’m taking poetic license here.

 

If ya think Fodor’s French in 10 Days is shoveling cow manure with mustard on the Streets of Milford within the same period of time and ya follow through by gettin’ shovel, pick-ax, trowel, cement mixer, and backhoe at Milford Rent-All, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

“No, Coach, I didn’t see the movie. I was getting back in shape. How’d it wind out?”

“You should have seen it!!!! A deaf, dumb, and blind kid kicks the pigskin straight through the wickets and the team wins the State. Then he dies of suffocation in the dog pile.”

 

WHO SHOT COACH SHAW?

At the Milford Police Station

“Ugly rumor that it was Joe Bolek”

“Negative. He was seen by several eyewitnesses sneaking into Milford Adult Theater on Classic Porn Night to watch ‘Deep Throat’.”

 

Seven Chinese Brothers donning their helmets and shoulder pads

Waiting for their time to play, this is awfully, truly sad

3rd and 18 on the Mudlark 25, doubt they’ll get their chance

Stay warm in the meantime, executing the cha-cha dance

 

Seven Chinese Brothers wallowing on the sideline

Gil and Kaz lacking clear direction or ANY guideline

Please get a clue

Please get a clue

 

And as long as I’m going to beat this one in the ground, Coach Kaz trying to imitate Gerard Depardieu(“Man, Kaz, you’ve got talent. I also liked your Donald Duck, James Brown, Homer Simpson, Slim Pickens, and Bozo imitations. You ought to audition at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club on Talent Night”), c’est la vie(French for “Gil prefers Charmin instead of Brawny when he’s situated in the Port-o-Let”) reminds me of my favorite group, Emerson, Lake, & Palmer who did a song with that title, off the album “Works”, a slightly ambitious production that got better with age, released back in 1977. But this is taking a turn for the worse.

“I’ll trade you my ‘Pictures at an Exhibition’, ‘Tarkus’, and ‘Emerson, Lake, & Palmer: Live at the Milford VFW Lodge’, and my collection of Greg Maddux cards if you’ll kick for the team and give me ‘Remember The Titans.’ I wanna see if Denzel Washington can teach me anything new.”

“Throw in that video of Keith Emerson spinning ’round and ’round on his organ while playing ‘Fanfare for the Common Man’ and a bunch of drunk navy veterans throwing Sterling cans at him in the VFW Lodge ball room, and I’m good.”

“Deal.”

 

Oooooooooooookkkkkkkkk, gang, to commemorate the TV clips you see get lopped off at the Milford Shell after you’re finished pumping your gas

 

“And Milford is gonna kick it. This is for the win. DeWindt, the holder, the Seven Chinese Brothers will be kicking against the wind, here’s the snap, THE KICK——-”

THANK YOU!!!!!!! CLERK HAS RECEIPT

 

“Peter, why are you late?”

“Sorry, Mr. Price, I went to the Milford Men’s Clinic for Teenagers and I OD’d a little on the stuff. I had a little bit of a hard time putting on my Levi’s. I was thinking about your wife and how much fun I was having mentally undressing her and that just added fuel to the fire. Her boobs really looked nice while jumping off the diving board.”

“Well, I must admit, your snow jobs are creative.”

“Thank you. She’s probably somebody’s baby tonight. And it was a toss-up between her and Bo Derek.

 

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m going to the travel agency and get “Fodor’s Milford on $10 a Day”

 

Seven Chinese Brothers shooting dice until it’s time

Finding out in vain that Gil’s acumen weighs but a dime

They almost went in, 3rd and 10 to kick the winning goal

Play was called back, refs blew foul, receiver flagged for a hold

 

Seven Chinese Brothers wallowing on the bench

Seven Chinese Brothers had enough of this stench

Please let ’em play

Please let ’em play

 

August 25, 2018

Oh, This One’s Full of Something, All Right.

082518

Here we go again. Over “Days of Wine and Roses” being played by the skunks, squirrels, bears, alligators (brought in by Milford Conservancy Corps last year), beetles, wasps, blue jays, finches, cardinals, chipmunks, giraffes (brought in to eat the dead poplar leaves that litter the streets of Milford which are otherwise unreachable by Milford Tree Service), possums, lizards, white-tail deer, rabbits, ducks, geese, and Bambi and Thumper in the woods beyond our well-meaning-but-slightly-misguided-duo, the plot is reloaded since we still have 7 days, counting today, to bring meaning to the golf plot before it gets the Green Jacket. I think I’d rather listen to Coach Shaw’s cover of Yes’s “Mood for a Day” at Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club. He might struggle trying his best as a Steve Howe wannabe, but it’d be more meaningful AND believable, not that that’s saying much (Sorry, Steve, been listening to your days with Yes, Asia, and your solos (LOVE ’em) for 50 years, didn’t mean to step on any toes).

Robmize is right. Like in ANY sport, if ya don’t make the cut, YA DON’T PLAY, Gil. I’ve been following my high school golf team for well over 30 years and props to them no matter where they placed if they gave their best (all you can ask), but the reality is, if we didn’t qualify they weren’t going to put us in the You’re-a-Bunch-of-Losers-But-Because-You’re-Nice-Guys-And-The-Other-Team’s-Calculator-Wasn’t-Charged-Properly-And-Therefore-Aided-in-Doctoring-The-Scores-Plus-You-Combed-Your-Hair-Back-at-The-Hotel-And-Ate-All-Your-Vegetables-at-The-Tournament-Banquet-We’re-Going-To-Slip-You-Guys-In-When-The-Tournament-Official-Takes-a-Dump-at-The-Port-o-Let-After-He-Purchases-a-$16-Diet-Pepsi-With-Nutrasweet-at-The-Concession-Stand-And-Won’t-Say-Anything-Once-It’s-Too-Late-To-Change-The-Scoreboard Division. No, Gil. We went home.

“I swear on a stack of Golf Digests that we didn’t cheat. Is there a notary around?”

“Yeah, he’s about to tee off with Marty and Jaquan.”

“Ahhhhh, never mind. I’ll just slip the Tournament Official a few Franklins. He’s 2 months behind on his Lexus payments. Why try to prove it when my wallet is stuffed?”

Recently, teenchy’s on-point title “Something Fluky This Way Comes” reminded me of the Ray Bradbury story from which it was derived “Something Wicked This Way Comes” which reminded me of the movie “Duel” where Dennis Weaver is getting chased by this (presumably)psychotic truck driver, an oil rig to be more specific. Well,

Weaver is hungrier than a bear. He sees The Bucket and stops in. Relieved that he’s not being hounded for the time being, he listens to Marty Moon on WDIG before getting out of his car to go inside. The ruling on the integrity of Mutt and Jeff can wait until after he tries the Livercheeseburger and Bucket fries.

Then he sees the tanker, parked 100 feet down the parking aisles.

Guess psychos like Triple Bucket Burgers too.

Be that as it may, Weaver walks in. He spots Coach Kaz at the 1st table going in.

“Cut it out.”

Coach Kaz looks up from drinking his hi-protein, low-carb, fat-free, vitamin-enriched, low-sodium, Nutrasweet-induced, nitrogen-loaded, egg included, chocolate and maraschino cherry shake, while his kids are finishing up their child’s plate of Bucket Crab Meat ‘n’ Tater Tots and his wife is getting nausea from stuffing her face with Bucket ‘o’ Shrimp Scampi w/Roquefort Cheese Sauce, Baked Potato w/ Bucket ‘o’ Sour Cream, extra.

“What are you talking about?”

“Yore tryin’ ta run me over and I’m-a gonna call the police if ya don’t stop”

“Sir, I’ve never seen you before. Would I risk my kids and my wife just to settle a score WHILE DRIVING IN A VEHICLE?”

“Ya mean, ya ain’t drivin’ an oil rig?”

“Where am I going to fit the kids? In the luggage box?”

Trapped, he moves on.

Grabbing the person in the next booth by the throat,

“Ya ass-wipin’ son of a bitch!!!!! Ya done killed one human being, I don’t keer what the judge sed!!!!!!!!!! Ya out to set a record????”

A teenager hurries to the rescue

“Mister, that’s his son!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Lets go of him.

Then grabs a waitress

“Awright, the game’s up!!!!!!!! Lay off the accelerator pedal out there!!!!!!! I knows ya didn’t wanna be late for work, but this is ridiculous!!!!!!!!”

“SIR!!!!!!!! I’ve got skates on!!!!!!!!”

Sees the footwear down below and sees Kaz has has seen enough and releases the car hop.

He sits down to order. He still has his coupon for 1/2-Off Tuesdays on all Bucket Biscuit Combos. The Bucket Biscuit w/ French Toast, Bucket ‘o’ Sassafras Maple Syrup extra. He’s thankful he brought his Visa card. The Bucket doesn’t accept American Express.

Gang, are you in for a treat!!!!!!! Because I feel good about continuing a trend from last week, you old-timers like yours truly remember Match Game from the early ’70’s where the host Gene Rayburn read off a passage that contained a blank in it and you had to fill in that blank with an a answer and hope that your answer matched the 6 celebrities answering the same question.

It got hilarious when the passage contained a blank that was, say, VERY suggestive and your imagination ran wild with all kinds of nasty possibilities. BTW, I thought you whippersnappers might like this one too. Answers are encouraged. Have fun with it!!!!! Without further ado, take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW     DUMB      WAS  SHE????), she thought that when she was cheating with The Born Losers, she could use her __________ to hide her score.”

It’s your turn, gang.

Hats off to Katie Dauenhauer and Emmali Lear. Katie works at Culver’s and Emmali works at JoAnn Fabrics, both in Louisville. Taking the bus to your job only tells me you love to work and make a difference in people’s lives. You keep America rolling, Ladies. We need more of you.

And, no, Donna Green, I didn’t forget you. You keep Thornton’s in Valley Station, Ky. going with your friendly smile and can-do attitude. Customers are a premium with you and it shows with how busy the place ALWAYS is. Gang, if you’re in the area, swing on by (the one NORTH of Gene Snyder Freeway, BTW). She deserves it. Face it, we all shop at Wal-Mart. Nothing wrong with that. But you need a place where everybody knows your name. She will. Take care of people like Donna who take care of you.

And just WHO or WHAT does Gil have in mind in this Flashback Moment when he talks about adding 6 more (steady the nerves, T. Drew. Take another sip of Hills Brothers and keep repeating “It’s only a golf plot, it’s only a golf plot…”)? I’M GUESSING Tony and Wilson are in amongst those 6 but there’s still 4 more and who would THEY be? The Four Tops? Winkin’, Blinkin’ and Nod plus their agent? Murderer’s Row? I mighta overfigured or underfigured on the last one. That’s what happens when you hang around The Pine Range Gang. You are the company you keep, our mothers always said.

“Sheriff Dillon, ain’t no way The Dalton Gang hit that many bulls-eyes at the shootin’ tournament. They musta cheated.”

“Way ahead of you. Our deputies hid behind a rock and watched ’em. They were yankin’ dynamite out of Miss Kitty’s butt and hurlin’ ’em when the judges weren’t lookin.”

“Gil, you’ve got ‘Over, Under, Sideways, Down’ listed on your entry forms. What age are they?”

Gil takes off his earphones after jamming to Yardbird “What did you say?”

If ya git recertified by Roehl Truck Lines and ya proudly display yore ‘A’ license in front of yore oil-tanker rig ya’ve bin drivin’ since Red Sovine advertised his records on K-Tel during the commercial break from the ABC Afternoon Special in one of them thar Trucker Recruitin’ Booklets in the booklet rack in front of a Pilot Truck Stop in Tennessee somewhar, ya might be a redneck.

Dennis is still munching down on his Bucket Livercheeseburger. The Bucket Biscuit w/ French Toast wasn’t enough to sate his appetite, neither was The Bucket Tortellini con Aglio e Olio, Il Formaggio Al Fresco, L’Acqua e Il Pane Contorno, Vino Blanco optional, and is about to down a Rolaids Wintergreen to keep the esophagus alive when he notices Gil leave the men’s room. Gil had just deposited a load of Buffalo Bucket o’ Chicken Fries. Our anti-hero watches him exit out the door. Gil is heading toward the oil rig. Could it be? Gil gets out his keys. Mimi catches up with him, slurping down her last drops of her plenty o’ prunes and bananas shake. They head to the door of the rig, Mimi likely to snooze in the sleeper area, then they both turn sharply right. Next thing you know, Gil pedals out with Mimi on their tandem. Gil had forgotten the bicycle lock combination and had to activate the switch on his key ring.

STILL August, teachers, coaches, staff, etc. STILL trying to make ends meet before this plot releases them from their supernumerary jobs, we read the latest review from the music critic, Jennifer Hutshall, from the Milford Enquirer, and I quote

“…Coach Shaw displayed a deftness rarely seen in modern times in M-town. Playing the unplugged version of ‘Layla’ at the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club last night brought a tear to more than one person’s eyes amidst the crowd. Even the dancers had to pass the hanky around since the paper towel dispenser was out of paper towels. The ladies performing entrechats and pas-de-deux’s to the rhythm of ‘Swan Lake’ just intensified this combo Earl Klugh-Jon McGlaughlin performer in the making. Mimi Thorp shakin’ her booty every time the lyric ‘ya got me on my knees’ was sung added a nice touch. An encore presentation is scheduled for tonight and reservations for tickets is recommended. Overflow parking in the parking lot of the Milford Toyota plant…”

Jaquan Case is leaving The Bucket, along with his trainer Are they team drivers? Weaver doesn’t dare stand in the way to find out. Jaquan has “S” knitted on his jacket. Standard Oil? Maybe the letters faded off the oil rig. They both share a laugh, toting their doggie bags of Bucket Deerburgewrs and beeline toward the rig. Case opens the door. Case is a psycho? Nope, he’s leaving a Jehovah’s Witness Watchtower tract and doing the same in all the cars  in the parking lot. Then he and his buddy get in the Subway semi because they have a Texas run to make after they make their dropoff at the Milford Subway. Gotta deliver it pronto if ya wanna get it fresh. Weaver slams his table knife down in disgust and continues contracting heartburn from his Livercheeseburger. The stress is killing him. Not to mention the suspense. Shame he’s not part of the golf plot. It’d be INTERESTING. Stupid, and may run over into September (October???? No), but interesting.

Gang, comment away. This plot is ridiculously predictable but I’m telling you nothing new. And neither is the plot.

“NOW YOU LAY OFF OR I’M GONNA GIT MY SHOTGUN OUTTA THE TRUNK AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER!!!!!!!!!! YA TRIED TA RAM ME INTO THE MILFORD & OAKWOOD  TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Ms. Rizk patiently looks up.

“Sir, that isn’t my oil rig in the student parking lot. I’ve been in this room, typing for 2 decades.”

August 7, 2018

Help Big Boy Find His Way Out Of This Plot

080718

Gang, remember when we were kids and we went to Jerry’s or Ponderosa or Frisch’s Big Boy and we’d order our favorite food because our parents weren’t going to make us eat our vegetables at Frisch’s, WE COULD ORDER WHATEVER THE HELL WE WANTED? So we’d order a Triple Cheese Big Boy Burger, a washtub full of French Fries, Caesar’s Salad they’d serve in dog food bowls and OF COURSE THE DESSERT which was a hot fudge sundae designed like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Naturally, we didn’t finish because we were kids and our eyes got bigger than our tummies and so Mom and Dad got us doggie bags to finish instead of Cheerios for the next couple of days. While we were waiting, remember those placemats? The ones that had “Help Long John Silver find the buried treasure” or “Help Big Boy find his way to his house” or “Help Marty Moon find his way to Studio 3 after he got hung over from Blatz Beer the night before”.

That’s the scenario as I see it in front of me. Etiqutte training? Blackthorne? One minute we’re on the trail of 2 teenagers, evidently with some game, about to brave the elements to,well, play more golf. Next thing you know we’re trying to cram in more terminology within the span of  less than a month. The plot that never ends, fer sure.

What does etiquette training have to do with the game of golf AT THIS POINT ANYWAY? Sure, you yell “FORE!!!!!” when you hit a shot and you think it’s going to hit a spectator or fellow golfer on the head if they’re in the vicinity of your shot. And you wait patiently until your partner putts or uses a 9-iron before you attempt your shot. But we don’t need to go into Amy Vanderbilt here and why are we going into it anyway? Because Gil is trying to hide the fact that HE’S CLUELESS AND HAS NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH 2 TEENAGE BOYS WITH OBVIOUSLY MORE GOLF LORE IN THEIR BAGS THAN GIL HAS IN HIS TRUNK?

Gil, why don’t you just say it? You have NOTHING to teach these kids so the month of August is strictly going to be a BS session as we help Cap’n Crunch and his crew find Etiquette Training and get a coupon good for a free Big Boy Catch of the Day Fish Sandwich, good for the next go-round plus a box of Cap’n Crunch Blueberry Cereal (Hey, we’re kids, we always loved a throw-ins). I mean, I don’t know if we’re reading Gil Thorp or James Joyce. St. Fabians? Was that in “Finnegan’s Wake” or “Ulysses”?

I’twas a blustery dye in Milfoordian as we goot nae soon for tree dyes now. Blackthorne woos a syte with ool its liefs drooped froom the trees. Gil nyded moor sex froom his wife sence the ploot woos fallin apart with nae end in syte.

 

At the Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club during August

“AWOPBOPALOOBOPAWOPBAMBOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Heard at a table 10 feet from stage

“Man, I didn’t know Coach Kaz had it in him!!”

“I hear ya!! And Mimi is really SHAKIN’ THAT THANG!!”

 

Little Richard, you’re still going strong at 86 and I don’ t see that stopping. My hat’s off to you, My Man.

And have we really established where the hell we’re playing? As long as Gil is going to be the caboose on the Little Train That Could(“CHOO CHOOOOO, This plot is bad, this plot is bad, this…”), we’re given possible sites, Pine Ridge, St. Fabians, Blackthorne, Augusta National, Pebble Beach, Zion National Monument, Badlands, and so on but Gil is not only NOT REALLY coaching(like he ever was but this time his hand is caught in the hole on #10) but he’s drawn a blank for a specific spot.

At Milford Putt Putt

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t have somebody hold the windmill blade while you’re shooting for an eagle. That’s cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

What happens when you call the number 1-888-O-BUCKET or go online at http://www.Bucketismyfirstlove.com to answer the survey to receive a Buy One Bucket Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo, Get One Free coupon

 

What did you order?

Bucket Burger

Bucket Double Burger

Bucket Triple Burger

Bucket Cheese Burger

Bucket Fries

Bucket Curly Fries

Bucket Chili Fries

Bucket o’ Tots

Bucket Hot Tamale

Bucket Pasta and Rice

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/o Hash Brown Packet

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/ I Can’t Believe it’s Butter!!!

Bucket Breakfast w/ Hot Cakes w/o Hash Brown Packet w/ Napkins & Straw w/o Butter and Jelly and Maple Syrup w/Arm & Hammer Baking Soda

Bucket Bologna Burger

Bucket Garlic Bologna Burger

Bucket Thick-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger

Bucket Thin-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger in Laminated Sheets

Bucket Thin-Sliced Garlic Bologna Burger Hand-Tossed

Bucket Turkey Burger

Bucket Buffalo Burger

Bucket Buffalo Burger(w/o Hormone Shots)

Bucket Burger w/ Matzo Buns

Bucket Pizza Burger

Bucket Pizza Burger Delivered in 30 Minutes or Less or it’s Free, excluding Oakwood and New Thayer

Pepperoni Pizza

Sausage Pizza

Canadian Bacon Pizza

Pizza! Pizza!(Oops, this is not a Little Caesars Survey)

Any Combo of these that it would take printing another piece of paper that was obtained by felling a tree in Milford Natural Area to print

 

How satisfied were you with the quality of the food products?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3)  Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) Highly Dissatisfied

How satisfied were you with the temperature of your food?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) They use thermometers that aren’t Blue-Lite Specials at K-Mart, no?

How satisfied were you with the friendliness of the staff?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) I’ve seen friendlier from a slut who got terminated at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club because of too many absences even though the Union is taking it to arbitration

How long did take to receive your order?

0-5 Minutes

6-10 Minutes

11-18 Minutes

19-25 Minutes

26-32 Minutes

Longer than the last plot

Did you order dessert products(Bucket Blast Banana Split, Bucket Blizzard, Bucket Bundt Cake, Bucketmints, Bucketpuddin’, etc.)?  1) Yes  2) No  3) Didn’t have time-had to get back to the Golf Plot

How satisfied were you with the quality of the dessert products?  1) Highly Satisfied  2) Somewhat Satisfied  3) Neither Satisfied nor Dissatisfied  4) Somewhat Dissatisfied  5) Highly Dissatisfied

The Bucket car hops had Plumber’s Butt  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think playing “Hot Rod Lincoln” 736 times on the jukebox during Milford Frog Follies was a bit excessive  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I would be satisfied if The Bucket were to transfer operations to Camp Swampy  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think The Bucket and Milford Clay Oven(“The Taste of the Himalayas comes to Mudlarkland”) should exchange menus for 1 week  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I think if Milford Clay Oven were to shut down for 3 weeks by the Milford Health & Safety Board due to numerous safety hazards, The Bucket would be The Taste of the Himalayas  1) Strongly disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I’d rather eat at The Bucket than Frisch’s Big Boy because I have suspicions that Big Boy is transsexual  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3)  Neither Agree nor Disagree  4)  Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

I’d rather eat at The Bucket than the Milford McDonald’s because there were rumors that Ronald McDonald had Red Books by Chairman Mao on his coffee table in his living room  1) Strongly Disagree  2) Somewhat Disagree  3) Neither Agree nor Disagree  4) Somewhat Agree  5) Strongly Agree

Thank you for taking the time to complete the survey. Your promo code number to Buy One Bucket Liver Cheeseburger and Bucket Fries Combo Get One Free is 48576390768574636458693766012365774758569687784626486068462362364547575785839094589686858684002274659235765748347289. Call for any problems.

 

P3: “And Gil’s putt at Putt-Putt went THAT far off the hole. It’s a shame cuz he made the shot through the cannon without landing on the street.”

 

“BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS AIN’T A CONCERT HALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” as numerous tomatoes and ice cubes are hurled at Coach Shaw at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club. Mimi and the Pussycats are still cuttin’ a rug.

“Dear, you can’t sound like Django Reinhart the first time. The Jazz Guitar lessons take time.”

“And I heard the Milford UMC has a Chicken ‘n’ Grits Supper this Friday and I heard their organist has the flu. My summer ain’t entirely shot. I’ll get supplementary income somehow.”

“Sounds like a winner. C’mon, let’s have fun in bed.”

“Uhhhhhhh, where’s those Barney Kessel CD’s? I could use a little more practice.”

 

Gang, comment away. I’m going over to Milford Putt-Putt for the Pro-Am Tournament. There was a question when the ball didn’t clear the drawbridge in time how to execute the ball drop. Do you step on the petunias around the bridge? The debate still rages.

 

“Oh, SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I lost track of the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to be at work in 15 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, don’t you have bodyguard duty?”

“I’m off tonight.”

Well, can you water my daffodils? There’s a new dance routine we gotta learn tonight. We gotta get the Texas 2-Step down before the 1st show at 8.”

 

At Jerry’s Restaurant in Milford

“Help Coach Shaw find his sex life. His wife is on a deserted island wearing a tropical grass bikini with nothing but coconuts and Friday.”

August 4, 2018

The P.R.C.C. Can Suck on This

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Here are the heels of August: The Pine Ridge Boys. They’re what the policemen on Sodor would call “Regular Law Breakers.” I’ll bet they’ll give those earnest young golfing boys from the Milford CC all they can handle at the Valley Juniors.

We all know cheaters never win and winners never cheat, but can we take a page from The Pine Ridge Boys’ playbook and cut over to September while we’re at it?  Probably not, so stick around for a few weeks of Goofus and Gallant on the Golf Course if you will.

Inspiration for today’s post title at this link.

 

June 19, 2018

Great Moments In Milford Journalism

Are not depicted in the above. Please stay tuned in for the inimitable T. Drew Hardin’s commentary coming right up!

In the meantime, please feel free to fire away.

Minus points: Since when did Marjie adopt the poking out ear look?

June 16, 2018

I Missed the Sign

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Today’s strip is just three panels of “Kevin Pelwecki, the most clueless kid at Milford High.”  Where was Pelwecki last year when The Hurricane blew in from Kingsbrook and the girls from Central showed up with signs? We know they were on the field together at least once (no, make that twice) so it’s not like Kevin couldn’t have been aware of Ryan’s talent… or his reputation. Van Auken might have been going to anger management classes instead of those camps.

Finally, what sequence of events sends Pelwecki into Gil’s office in full uniform, getting all pissy about the attention Ryan got from one college?  Again, has he forgotten about the talent Van Auken showed before he got to Milford and since, and how he’s only turned serious attention to baseball in the past few weeks?

The Real Kevin Pelwecki, if you’re out there reading this, I hope you didn’t cheese Rubin off too badly IRL.  Your character deserves better. ;-)

 

May 30, 2018

Making Things Worse

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I’m struggling to grasp anyone’s motivations here other than, perhaps, Ma Bader’s. Well, I suppose Barry’s motivation is that he’s a hot headed moron* with self esteem issues but that doesn’t make for the most compelling protagonist. At least not as written here…

Bonus points:

P1: Ah, the rare ANDS brand laptop, disfavored by Milford teens who prefer |||| brand computers. I’ll leave speculation as to the nature of the mysterious foreground display to our wonderful commenters.

P2: I’m digging the Bader’s mismatched chairs at their tiny kitchen table underneath the chandelier they stole from a TGI Friday’s. Also, Steve Luhm has clearly been moonlighting.

P3: I’m sure I’ve floated some truly idiotic ideas in front of my mom over the years but I don’t think I’ve ever given her occasion to give me such an exaggerated (and presumably genuine) stinkeye.

* Seriously, ‘enoblers’?

Metapost: As this year’s Memorial Day celebrations recede into memory, please bear in mind the veterans who surely number amongst this count.

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