This Week in Milford

May 10, 2018

You’re Out of Order, Bader!

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The Mets got busted for batting out of order yesterday and the Twittersphere had fun with it.

Screenshot-2018-5-10 Dyllmonger on Twitter

What’s Gil’s excuse? His lineup card reads 1-2-x-x-6-7-8-9-10. Let’s zoom in on it:

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Most of these guys are Milford’s usual suspects:

1. Mike Filion was the Mudlark’s undersized QB last fall

2. Barry Bader, well, you know him. Still showing zero signs of maturation

x. Andre Ruffin knows how to host a party

x. Pete DeWindt has been here since, like, forever

6. The same could be said for Paul Beaudry

7. Pelwecki has long worn out his welcome. His Rosie the Riveter pose pales in comparison to Lucky Haskins’ but he’s feeling it*

8. Jorge Padilla, like his MLB namesake, is an outfielder (or some new position, CH). We’ll find out if that skinny kid can jump and rob hitters of homers

9. We get the classic name Hiawatha James and it’s the only one Whigham can’t write out? Lazy!

10. Larry Arroyo was introduced to us as a non-Pelwecki sub for Barry Bader but now he’s a pitcher third baseman – that is, if he’s the same guy

May River has to be a long ride from Milford; maybe that’s why Gil’s lineup card is so wonky. Bluffton (home of May River High) has become known in recent years as an affordable alternative to nearby Beaufort and Charleston for Yankee retirees. Maybe Mr. Bakst or some other Milfordians have moved there and will form a home away from home crowd for the Mudlarks. Play ball!

*Note Pelwecki is written in at DH, but no pitcher is named; Arroyo, batting last, is at 3B (oops – teenchy)

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May 5, 2018

Has Anyone Else Been Wondering How Barry’s Doing? Nah, Didn’t Think So.

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Running with the color version today so we can revisit the Indians’ Mudlarks’ bloodclot unis and verify Jay Bhatia’s skin tone.  I guess they did an okay job of it; at least he doesn’t look like Peter Sellers in The Party.  His glove is the same color as the rest of the uniforms so that’s a minus.  Hard to tell from this angle whether he’s still wearing the round glasses or if he’s switched over to goggles.  There’s a strap running around the back of his head so I’m gonna guess the latter, a Chris Sabo or Tyler Clippard look.  Too bad; yesterday I was getting a retro vibe from him, kind of a Dom DiMaggio meets Earl Torgeson meets Chick Hafey meets Clint Courtney thing.

Sorry about getting stuck in the minutiae but, yeah, Barry Bader’s back in a speaking role and as prickly as ever.  There were a lot of holes to fill from Jay’s convo with Dafne yesterday, in particular what it is about Jay that makes Dafne think they “see eye to eye.”  The directive must have been to pump Barry for info, and let’s just say Jay’s about as subtle as a blowtorch in doing so.  (Ya know, since it was Jorge Padilla who asked what Barry’s deal was, maybe he’d have been a good person to grill Barry instead. He could always pull the new guy card.) Good on Jay for directing Barry’s ire back on Dafne; that sets us up for a nice f-t-f confrontation next week which promises some exposition on life im Schloss Bader and a nice MYODB.

April 25, 2018

Doing It Wrong, Unfortunately

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P1: No offense to his real world namesake intended, but I did not realize that we were really signing up for another tour with the Secret. Originally, I didn’t mind him too much but now it seems he’s gunning to be another Milford High huckster with this launch angle foolishness. How a calculator would figure into his scheme is beyond me.

P2: Nothing like sitting around talking about what people said for excitement and adventure. Are the two young women in back having to share a milk shake?

P3: Is there some sort of corollary to the Bechdel test where the female characters just sit there and watch the male characters talk? I know we keep hammering on that point but, c’mon, Whigrub didn’t even give them their own drinks nevermind dialogue. Regardless, I like that Freckles here answers the question of what is Barry’s story by telling Spike McWidow’s Peak* about his story and not, oh say, the story iteself. Oh well, tune in tomorrow when we revisit one of the more distasteful story arcs in some time.

* Wait, I just realized that’s supposed to be Jorge…

April 19, 2018

Gil’s Not Alone in Needing Good Ideas

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If you were plugged into the 24/7 news cycle yesterday, you know that much of Puerto Rico has gone dark again. You also know that that didn’t stop The Show from going on… unlike in Pleasantville Milford, where suspending Marty stops the show dead in its tracks.

Rubin is forcing us to connect many dots today as he lurches toward an awkward, tone-deaf ending to this underwhelming, once-promising arc. The first dot is Gil’s acknowledgement that Karina, at his suggestion, instigated the Milford Pirate Boy Network and thus had a hand in bringing about Marty’s suspension. The second dot is that Gil convinced the Padillas’ and Karina’s teacher to let them skip class (he has a history of doing this, y’know) to sit around the most lovingly rendered cafeteria table in comics history and decide on Marty’s penance. The third dot (and maybe several more after that) is that whatever terms the kids decided on were presented by Gil to Pocket Square Sporting Radio Station Manager, who accepted them and delivered them to Marty as an ultimatum – agree to these or you’re fired.

All of this unfolded even more slowly than Boo Radley’s fatal car crash, but faster than the full restoration of Puerto Rico’s power grid. In a world where teens can tweet and stand against social injustice while adults cower and hedge, all of this would’ve played out in the course of a week. We could’ve been treated with two months of Drunken Uber Driver Marty Moon dumpster diving for the dregs of Johnnie Walker bottles and begging for a cameo on Pirate Boy’s YouTube livestream.

So sit back and buckle up for the last few days of this bumpy ride. Me, I’m off in search of some Pudge Coffee. (Seriously. Check it out. Not affiliated with Pudge or his coffee.)

April 14, 2018

Saturday haiku à la Padilla

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Marty Moon’s boss is

covering his ass big time

Slow trigger finger?

 

“Imploded” must mean

“using the seven words you

can’t say on TV”

 

Don’t know why Gil Thorp

plays intermediary

to the Padillas

 

Who cares if Marty

is “disgraced, embarrassed and

suspended”? Can him!

 

Paloma gets it

Jorge wants to get along

Milford ain’t Georgia!

 

Marty should offer

A public apology

Over the airwaves

 

Then we can move on

From this disgraceful story

I give it a week

March 3, 2018

Mo’ Better Lady Mudlarks

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And what happened, then? Well, in Milford they say – that Karina’s small nose grew three sizes that day. And then – the true meaning of Milford came through, and Karina found strength of *ten* Marties, plus two!

Come on, Chief, stay on model! Saturday’s cliffhanger leaves us wondering how the Lady Mudlarks will protest Marty Moon at the Milford boys’ game and how of-of-sync with today’s realities that protest will be. Rather than speculate on that, I’ll focus on the little details that keep us coming back for more:

P1: Paloma’s super freaky giant left hand (no wonder that phone looked so tiny when she held it) is par for the course, but I must say I appreciate how Whigham has drawn the girls’ hair. Such shine and volume! Breck Girl Darwin would be proud.

P2: Karina comes not only with a giant schnozz but also with pre-skinned knuckles.

P3: We never saw the end of the Milford @ Jefferson game but we know now that the Mudlarks lost. No burritos for Jorge, then?  That might explain the fridge raid and the fridge-side pizza menu.

PP2-3: Karina’s and Paloma’s upper lips remind me of the top half of the old Hartford Whalers logo. Gives me a great excuse to fire up some “Brass Bonanza.”

†Happy belated birthday T. S. Geisel!

March 1, 2018

¿Por qué Marty?

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Ya know, Rubin could be selling this “Marty drops Mexican references into his broadcast to woo That New Mexican Restaurant as a sponsor” thing a little better if he wove the name drops into Marty’s play-by-play a little better. For example, Wednesday’s strip would’ve been more convincing if he had Marty say “Padilla earned his burritos with that one. He’ll love the burritos at Los Morenos – and you will too!” It’d work a little better still if his Mexican references were about things that people actually ate.

Between the bracelets, earrings, pissy faces, enormous freak hand, and use of the term “ease up,” P2 nearly achieves Peak Milford solely through its visuals.  What puts it over the top is the assumption that Paloma is using her tiny pack of Virginia Slims phone to dial up WDIG at night to complain about Marty rather than to light up social media (which, again, only Golden Child True Standish and his QB posse had any inkling of how to use). If this resembled reality in any way, shape or form, by the end of the game Marty would be subject to a tweetstorm of hurricane-like proportions. This arc would resemble reality a bit more closely if the Padilla sibs hadn’t assimilated so smoothly, too. Milford isn’t Amish country; it only seems that way sometimes.

 

 

February 10, 2018

I tried to sing along, But damn that radio guy

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Alright alright alright! Let’s settle in and get ready for the write-in/call-in/March on WDIG to get Marty Moon canned! I’m a little surprised Knit Cap Girl hasn’t traded in her black knit cap for a pink one with ears. Maybe it’s actually a ski mask and she’s gonna roll it down over her face, tuck her hair up in it, march over to the station and take Marty hostage. Maybe she can cover that foam pointy finger (no way that’s a real finger, it has no joints) with it and pretend it’s a gun. Maybe her face will be rendered in three dimensions by the time we’re done with this scene.

Now, where’s that Dafne Dafoe when you need her?

Post title inspiration from these guys, whose name we were tossing around day before yesterday. (BTW, shout out to TWIMer Jive Turkey for hipping me to Local H.)

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