This Week in Milford

May 25, 2019

Mimi Does the Australian Crawl

gt05252019

You know what’s not cool, besides this plot? Wanting to be thought of as cool.

Mimi could easily defuse this sitch, if she only had a clue. First off, it’s not “what’s with you [Linda] and the Aussies,” it’s “what’s with you and this need to be cool?” Linda’s answer gets to the root of her problem – not so much the cool factor but her insecurities about playing volleyball. She earned a scholarship, that’s not enough? How does she know the Australian girls didn’t too? Low hanging fruit that could let this arc wrap up by next weekend…. but…

…the bigger problem is the TCFS thing and how far out of hand it’s gotten. If Mimi had actually been paying attention to her players and not daydreaming about drinks on the patio, she’d have picked up on this developing trend and put some guardrails around it. (The stuffed hippo on the bench would’ve been a good sign.) As it is the only rails to be seen – well, besides the ones at Barney’s Pub – are the ones the Lady Mudlarks’ season is going off. Mimi needs to get a handle on this stat. Good thing Molly’s waiting for her in the shower.

Today’s musical inspiration:

May 22, 2019

Land of the Free, Home of the Mud

gt05222019

Two high school girls power tripping on who they get to include and exclude from their clique? One high school girl practically begging to be let into their clique then getting pissy when they don’t let her? Riveting reading!

Just you wait: Linda will have her revenge! She’s gonna tank the season for the Lady Mudlarks. Kind of ironic given that we’re coming up on the centennial of the Black Sox scandal.  Staring into the bleachers is her prearranged signal to Arnold Rothstein that the fix is in (or is it switching her glove from her right to her left hand?). Pity she didn’t time that a little better; that sharply hit ground ball off her toe is gonna ruin her meal ticket out of this tank town.

Without that volleyball scholly to fall back on, Linda will be doomed to stay in Milford and stew about things that happened to her in high school for the rest of her life. Maybe she can spit in the brisket when she’s waiting the mean girls’ tables at Bob’s BBQ.

A rare glimpse of the Milford mascot atop the scoreboard there. Let’s blow it up so we can get a better look.

homeofthemud

More like a turkey than a lark, the better to fit this plot.

May 21, 2019

The Color Of Buttons

Filed under: Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Pissy faced minor character, softball — tdrewhardin @ 8:14 am

052119

RIGHT OFF THE BAT I am going to abbreviate this damn thing so that this does not become a Looney Tune anvil around ANYONE’s neck. Yosemite Sam is allowed to sink to the bottom of Davy Jones’ Locker, or deep enough to scare the shit out of you but not deep enough to convince you he’s really going to disappear and fight Daffy Duck beyond the Pearly Gates. He’s going after Bugs for Round 2, trust me. The rest of us would rather not get hung at high noon with acronyms.

So instead of Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat is too cool for The Pharaoh and Milford High School Campaign for Jesus, I condensed it to TCFS (Too Cool for School) . I wanted to make the “S” stand for the one that comes after “B”, but some idiot might get the wrong idea and declare “This causes Fungal Bacterial Symptoms and thusly, the “B” was omitted.

Now let’s get down to cases. Are we dealing with school buttons or 5-stud poker?????

“I’ll see your TCFS pledge button on your wim-wim for being Patrol Boy of the Month and raise you 2 jack of diamonds and a TCFS smiley face and a Good Job button by Wal-Mart and Dr. Pearl in the same week.”

 

BIG shout-out to Sharon Dow of Louisville, Kentucky for her impressive dedication to her job here at University of Louisville Hospital. She has waited on me hand and foot and has made my stay here a VERY easy way to go. I can tell she really cares about people as shown by her walking a patient down the hallway, monitoring every step of the patient. I am very proud to say that she keeps a clean house and that patients are the better for it. The ICU unit she is on would be less were she not around. Next time you see her, treat her with respect. She’s earned mine, and then some.

 

Gang, this Twilight Zone backdrop in P1 works in Dagwood (technically named Blondie), it works in Wee Pals, kiddies discussing the NATO question with those bongo drums (or congas, forgot to check my Funk-Wagnalls) from the Zone pulsating in the background, Hell, Mary Worth with her atomic bomb of advice was made for white canvasses but it just falls flat on its face in Thorpiverse. Where do they go once they are trapped in a dimension of sight, a dimension of sound???? Down to The Bucket for a Bucket Clam Burgoo? Sure, Rod Serling is down there now with his endless supply of Pall Malls, discussing their Sisyphean fate while taking an occasional drag FROM his Pall Mall after sampling, of course, The Bucket 3-Course Sampler (Bucket Lasagna, Bucket Fettucine, Bucket Child’s Plate Spaghetti) . Can’t discuss heavy semi-philosophical issues on an empty stomach.

 

Marty Moon at the Milford Lounge one night

“Doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo, doo doo…”

“Why are they playing the Twilight Zone theme from the jukebox???”

“I don’t know, Marty, but this white karma is giving me hot flashes. Let’s blow this joint so I can blow something else, Big Boy…”

“Hell, no, what would Peaches think???? I got standards, y’know!!!!!”

Suddenly, the congas explode.

 

If ya and yore 4-wheel drive wind up on the planet Mars cuz yore jumper cables didn’t know how to handle the overcharge from all the whiteness emanatin’ from yore glove box, ya might be a redneck.

 

And what is this about our ambitious hero in P1???? Granted, I admire his drive therefore, dammit, give the guy a button and be done with it. It’s not cheapening the product if a person is trying to better himself/herself. I think the problem is assuming that it’s going to wind up on Spielberg’s or Capra’s desk in the near future.

On the set of “It’s a Wonderful Life”.

“Mr. Capra, some kid just gave me a 2500-word essay “How I Enjoyed My Summer in Bedford Falls.”

 

After talking to timbuys while spacily watching Steven Segal shoot a googolplex (did I spell that right????) of Chicanos, Chinese, Rhode Island Reds, blacks, KKK members, the entire population of the Show Me State, Eskimos (guess they got Uzi’s stored in their closets back at their igloos) , Liechtensteiners, Luxembourgeois, Miserable Fat Belgium Bastards, and Santa’s reindeer to rescue his wife and kids from the dentist’s office on the 86th floor of an abandoned equivalent to the Empire State Building

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gil And Rambo Outlast 50,000 Vietcong Guerillas In OT In ‘Rambo’s Tet Offensive Revisited In Mudlark Gym’!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Jerry Pulver leading scorer with his Remington; Thorp agrees to drop academic eligibility charges.”

 

THEN The Hand from Dark Shadows makes a comeback in P2. No way, Jose, says The Hand. If you want to earn a Good Job button from Wal-Mart, you have to do a better job of stocking the frozen aisle, I mean, Eggo Waffles and Marie Callender Texas Toast have to be on the shelves at the crack of dawn, not to mention Boston Market Cholesterol-Free Turkey Breast ‘n’ Mashed Potatoes have to be zoned better in aisle 2. Oh, and write “Treasure Island” before the delivery truck full of Stouffers gets here at midnight.

Way to take charge, Hand. Who says you only scare people????? You lead by example. And ya got a Good Job button in the bargain.

Finally, there’s P3. Omigod. WHAT other comic strip contains people in dire need of reshaping their trapezoidal butts??? Do you ever see Linus and Luycy shakin’ that octagonal thang around??? When did you EVER see Herb Woodley walk over to Dagwood’s place with geometric inconsistencies ftrom his derriere??????? You factor in the 45-degree lines from the backstop in sync with the dugout fencing and this is a wonderful Cubist painting from somebody trying to get a TCFS button (missed your calling, Mr. Eager Beaver Screenwriter) but art connoiseurs really need to eschew Thorpiverse. And we’re STILL talking TCFS buttons up to First Pitch???? Bet they don’t have their game favces on.

 

“Folks, sometimes life doesn’t always make the easy lay-up and send the game into OT. That’s when you shake the hand of Lou Grant, pull yourselfup by the jock strap and head to the Socker, er, LOCKER room, your Jimmy Chitwood Doesn’t Always Make The 15-Footer So That STATE CHAMPS Appears On The Town Water Tower 47 Years Later speech on 2 3 x 5 index cards in right hand.

That’s what I had to do recently when my cholesterol reading was worse thanmy bowling average, not to mention my golf score on one hot August night on the back nine at Milford Country Club.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. Trust me, it was no fun being transported to Milford General because my a-fib was acting up from too many  $5 Grande Scramblers at Milford Taco Bell. Do you honestly believe I enjoyed laying in a hospital bed listening to Hazel the Maid plug Dos Equis for the Warehouse??? Mr. Baxter, her boss, singing the praises of Milford Beer Nuts Lime and a fifth of Jack??? Now I knlw what Purgatory will sound like when I cross the Charon.

And I’m gettin’ a sneakin’ suspicion that the Warehouse was onto that so they are willing to rectify the situation that’ll cause Otis the Drunk to engineer an Andy Dufresne. And who can blame Otis the Drunk for wading through a Milford sewer line to get these door-busters????

Yep, the Warehouse will give you a free bag of Idaho’s Best French Fries for every $20 of booze you purchase. Ummm,ummmm, I can just savor ’em now, the fries I mean. You don’t put Falls City in the oven, silly, unless you ARE Otis the Drunk.

How ’bout a lip-smackin’ combo of Idaho’s Best Crinkle-Free, Ice-Brewed Fries, topped with Arby’s Famous Horse Radish, washin’ it down with a refreshing cold, krausened Budweiser? Or if some of you commie pinkos like different, try Idaho’s Best Tater Tots ‘n’ Heinz Gluten-Free Ketchup with a glass of Maker’s Mark Hand-Tossed Bourbon, aged since General Braddock gave the order for General Washington to attack Fort Pitt. Yummy, yummy, yuumy, I got love in my tummy; talk about Pavlov’s Dog salivating when he hears the door bell.

But then some of you wine-and-cheese crowd people might prefer Marini & Rossi Pink Chablis Merlot 90 Proof Sparkling and Bubbling non-Biodegradable White Apertif with a generous bowl of Idaho’s Best Honey ‘n’ Garlic Long-Cut, pre-Baked Hash Browns. And watch Dickie V. on Big Monday break down the Carolina-Duke rivalry???? Where’s the remote????

And you can save even more money as Groupon has partnered with the Warehouse to slash the first trip to the Warehouse to a $10 purchase if you’ll purchase at least 3 Snickers bars or 5 Kit Kats as the Warehouse is cleanin’ house. Rumors were abundant that a 3 Musketeers bar and a Cutty Sark simply wasn’t the snack of choice while watching your favorite NFL team so Groupon is leading the charge on this fire sale.

As soon as you have visited yours truly at Milford General, come check out these great buys at The Milford Beverage Warehouse. You’ll have done your good deed for the day and you can live The Good Life to its fullest. This Bud’s for you, My Friend.”

 

Comment away, Gang. I’m going to another dimension to get a trapezoidal butt of my own. When on Mars, do as the Martians do.

“Oh, Marty., you sexy thing you. How’d you manage to get the place?????”

“Simple, Peaches. I just went the Glidden Store and got a couple of paintbrushes out of the garage, and the rest was a piece of cake. Matches the wine, doesn’t it?”

May 8, 2019

‘Scuse me while I whip this up*

gt05082019

Oooh, hubris! Love it!

So when do the too-cool-for-school girls get their comeuppance? When Molly goes on the DL for chemical burns after Milo accidentally on purpose tips her lab experiment over on her?  When fist bumps go wrong and somebody breaks a hand? Or when another rando MHS student fails to look up from his smartphone, slips on the highly polished floors and crashes into Molly, injuring her horribly? Things are going too well for the Lady Mudlarks – and their behavior becoming too arrogant – for this Era of Good Feelings to last.

Today’s bizarre cameos: Ted Cruz as Milo, Señor y Señorita Wences in the Milford infield. Rocki Prado has a Twitter feed but there’s not much gleaned from it. Props to the Chief for giving her lustrous hair to rival Gilchrist-era Aunt Fritzi and earrings that more closely approximate what girls currently wear than what are usually seen in Milford.

 

*Which is what I say to myself every day I write a post here.

May 7, 2019

Death Of The Cool

050719

Musical inspiration for today’s post title:

So, the clarinet is uncool, eh? Well, let’s see what this nerd person I found via a search for clarinet solos thinks:

Also uncool? Direct democracy.

Minus point: That cafeteria table looks like it was drawn by MC Escher after downing a pint of tequila.

Edited to add the color strip to supplement commentary:

050719 - color

 

April 25, 2019

The ’69 Miracle Mets And Stuffed Hippos, Guaranteed Recipes For Success.

Filed under: Just plain sad, Pissy faced minor character, premature baldness, softball — tdrewhardin @ 12:29 pm

042519

Gang, have you noticed the last 6-7 panels that we ARE at the ballpark and they DO have their uniforms on their person, oh, and Jamila took one for the team and brought her Muppet to instill new-found confidence in the team, but it’s still anybody’s guess if there’s a game, practice, team shootaround, walk-through, scrimmage, (naw, scratch that, already been tried once and got voted out at the Constitutional Convention) , pepper competition, hitting drill off the T-ball tee, Bar Mitzvah, Silent Auction to raise money for softballs and stuffed crocodiles (Plan B in case stuffed hippos go south) , or they just met at the ballpark because The Bucket got shut down by the Milford Health Department (too much salmonella in Bucket Burgers, I’m guessing) wearing their uniforms because all their school clothes are at the Milford Dry Cleaners.

 

Thissssss just sucks

No batting or no pitching

Exists to start the day

We’re left with hats

And stuffed pachyderms

The team is going down in flames

Nothing to say

Nothing to sayyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

Let us cling together as the games go by

O Mudlarks, Mudlarks

Finding hope in broken toys

The season evaporates our joy

Let us never lose the lessons they should learn.

 

Sorry, you whippersnappers, I know you got your music,and I like much of it, but musicians like Frank Zappa, David Bowie, and the group singing the song above, Queen, transcends ANY generation, in my book. Had to play them (RIP, Freddy Mercury, “Liar” just electrified this 7th-grader in his day) . Check out “A Day at the Races”. Vintage, Gang.

 

I’m sorry, Gang, but I’m having a hard time swallowing Jerry Grote telling Tom Seaver that he left his stuff on the subway because he bought the wrong stuffed animal at Toys ‘R’ Us. You brought a giraffe and the Chinese New Year called for a stuffed panda. And don’t forget to bring your koala in Game One against the Orioles. Mike Cuellar is lugging his stuffed wart hog.

Lesson 101 in remembering that the “Too-cool-for-school” merchandise normally gets trumped by something called practice, game preparation, team focus, y’know, winning formula for success, if ya wanna win. One of my favorite managers, Tony Larussa, said it best: “You can’t win if you don’t have a plan”.

And don’t get me wrong, being a Christian, I have let Jesus Christ be Lord of my life concerning athletics, it works for me anyway. If you serve a different God, okay, I NEVER judge, but again that’s what keeps me going in the world of athletics and has for several decades. But in Exodus, when the Israelites got a little lax when going to battle, God reminded them prayer was over, I will deliver your enemies to you but you can’t take a detour to The Bucket, praying 5 times a day to Gil’s house.

And speaking of “Too cool for school”, whadup wit dat? All these Stay in School messages everywhere, especially in schools, but yet John Brown is fomenting another rebellion from the grave. Learned his lessons from Harper’s Ferry and now applying them to the Mudlark Softball team. I know some Abolitionists will go to any extremes (Thaddeus Stevens comes to mind) but can’t they confine their partners-in-crime above the age of consent? I can’t see Brown fighting off the Federal troops at Harper’s Ferry with Winchesters and stuffed rhinos because he was too cool for the Confederate States of America.

“Did you know that Jefferson Davis combs his hair with a pitchfork? And he uses pig lard to shower himself???? Ooooooooo, groteee to the max!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

But I suppose if Camila has a piggy bank the size of a catcher’s Mitt, she and the team can explore the right combo until the good luck charms win you the hardware. Just ask the Mets. Really, I think a witch doctor somewhere in Queens just hated the Cubs and the rest was history. No Robmize, don’t put a hex on me. I have my stuffed Bob Knight here somewhere (ha) .

In the meantime, the girl in the center needs to spit her Red Man Mint Long Cut the other way. I wouldn’t want chaw stains on my Bob Knight doll.

 

Gang, I’m a little befuddled by this sign I saw at a trailer park the other day, naming one of the residents, Tenant of the Month.

“Arnold Snerdley has been named Tenant of the Month at Milford Executive Estates because he pays his rent on time, keeps his trailer immaculate, and keeps his panther on a leash. No stuffed anteaters were crammed in the storage shed in his yard like the 2 now-evicted residents, who chose to ignore trailer park decorum. The panel of judges have felt he more than deserves $25 off his next rent, $10 off his security deposit, front row parking at the trailer park office, and a gift certificate for a night out at The Olive Garden for a Spaghetti Plate marinaded w/ Milford Valley White Grape. Congratulations, Mr. Snerdley, and here’s hoping for anteater-free woodsheds for many years to come.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Named Resident Of The Month At Milford Chase Luxury Apartments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“His certified check comes every 1st of the month.”

 

And please don’t tell me Richie Cunningham and Hot Date of the Month, who doesn’t have stuffed penguins in her closet at Milford Executive Estates, talk about Jerry Koosman winning Game Two because he struck out Boog Powell and Frank Robinson with a stuffed Mudlark, over French fries and Lowenbrau at Arnold’s. BTW, Richie, did you know you have an omelette on your head? Some of the waiters can be clumsy. Anyway, I have some Clearisil here in my backpack, oh, here it is, under my Gil Bear. Well, I gotta have something to snuggle up to at night, a la Mr. Howell with his teddy on Gilligan’s Island. He wasn’t going to snuggle with Skipper.

And I have seen freakier hands but I see NOW where Rod Serling developed his ideas for the Night Gallery episode, “A Fear of Spiders”.

 

Whhhheeerrrreee is Gil

His sabbatical just sucks an egg

And baseball’s toast

They won’t find home

No closer than Nome

They’ll search all over for a team

That hit the coast

Hit the cccooooaaaasssssttttttt

 

Let us cling together as the games slip by

O Mudlarks, Mudlarks

David Walter’s all they got

And his head is clearly shot

Let us never lose that lesson they don’t learn

 

And really, we could have survived with just panels today, skipping P3, since that was essentially a continuation of P2, I mean, we get the point, stuffed hippos earned Donn Clendonon the MVP award. Lord, how he had it stuffed it in his jock strap while hitting a clutch homer in Game Three but that’s another story. And if we don’t get caught in The Rapture first and the strip continues tomorrow, we’ll likely experience more gossip than ground balls, more stuffed animals than strikeouts.

And what is it with this rainbow shot in the background? We have freak hands already. Do we have to have freak rooms too????? We are at The Bucket, I presume? Or did The Bucket order a multi-colored strobe light to put by the window to attract customers??? Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds and Carry-Out, man, that’s the ticket. “Hey, I didn’t order purple fries. I’m going back to the cashier.”

I think it’s safe to say that if the wife doesn’t feel like cooking, she won’t tell her husband there’s a nice restaurant on the other end of town with a rainbow by the handicapped parking.

 

If ya went back to the taxidermist to change the mount on that 10-point buck in the den ya shot 5 years ago and want ta change it ta a black bear ya shot in yore back yard cuz he was rummagin’ in the garbage cans fer the B-B-Q rib bones ya threw out, all cuz yore NFL team is on a 5-game losing streak, ya might be a redneck.

 

“Losing a loved one always hurts and the expenses incurred adds to the problem.

Hi, this is Dr. Pearl on behalf of Milford Funeral Solutions. Recently, I lost my great-great-grandmother to skin cancer. Unfortunately, she had been out in the sun too long and it caught up with her at 171 years old. We received much prayers and calls but it didn’t alleviate the cruel reality that we would have to donate her body to science at Milford Community College if we couldn’t afford a proper burial.

The friends at Milford Funeral Solutions came up with a solution to address our financial crunch while still being able to stage the viewing. Their caskets that they procured from the Woods class at Milford Vocational Institute was steady and durable, a load off my mind, given they were throwaway 2 x 4’s or so they claimed. And embalming was a snap. Never underestimate the power of power tools from Harbor Freight, of which they have a partnership. Friends come from all over at Milford Funeral Solutions.

The funeral service was also a breeze AND affordable. Instead of footing the ever-rising costs of a minister, Milford Funeral Solutions utilized the FCA Chain Gang from Milford Penitentiary. They looked awkward with their orange uniforms and chains on their hand and feet while we were singing “Softly and Tenderly (Jesus is Calling) ” and while they giving the eulogy but when one of them laid hands on my great-great-grandmother for her last rites, it was all worth it. So was not charging double for an open casket.

Come see for yourself at Milford Funeral Solutions. Where, if you can’t get pallbearers because your family’s dead and gone, Milford Funeral Solutions will furnish them at no extra charge. Peace of mind when you’re heading to the grave site.

Milford Funeral Solutions. Where you are assured your loved one is in good hands and so is your wallet.”

Comment away, gang. I just can’t explain why they’re serving green and maroon Bucket Burgers lately. Better go talk to the manager. Pronto.

Teo torriate konomama iko…

I think Queen was saying, loosely, you understand, Gil, get your ass out of Dennis the Menace. Mr. Wilson has no interest in being an assistant. He has enough problems with Dennis without having to deal with Ruff stuffed as a doll and baseball seasons in dire need of X-Lax.

April 6, 2019

In Which Linda Channels Her Inner Pete Seeger

gt04062019

They say at Milford High School
There are no neutrals there.
You’ll either be a Mudlark girl
Or worn out and pull your hair.

Ya know what’s worse than robmize complaining about the Cubs’ bullpen turning into the Nationals’ bullpen? The Nationals’ bullpen still being the Nationals’ bullpen! But yeah, it’s been some rocky going for our respective teams a week into the season.

Speaking of rocky going, what’s the Vegas line on Linda and David’s relationship lasting through baseball and softball season? Something’s gotta give and odds are it’ll be the dating that goes first. Nobody likes being called a hypocrite even if they are being a hypocrite, so that’s a nail in this relationship’s coffin. I guess one thing Milford has going for it is that it’s not the Canadian universe of For Better or for Worse, in which everyone was doomed to marry their childhood sweethearts. Still, that might’ve given us some hockey action and made the synchronized skating thing a bit less contrived.

April 4, 2019

The Dumbness Of It All

040419

Are we STILL in this powwow caterwauling about our personal reasons why we didn’t make scrimmage which I think Mimi scheduled about the time they elected the last Pope? Do we really honestly have to keep harping on our petty differences and keep wasting 3 panels per day and watch several Sysiphus’s keep pushing that boulder up the hill, only to find out we have 3 MORE panels to push the boulder on and then learn we could be thrown 3 panels at a time and the damn rock is still in the gym at the half court line? Thank God, Mimi didn’t schedule the end of the year Sports Banquet. Did Sisyphus ever try to push a humongous MVP trophy up a hill?

Gang, before I go any further, a HUGE apology to y’all because I have been trying like Hell all day to get this published and my phone kept erasing the work. As you can see, it took a while to get to where I could publish anything. I wouldn’t blame if you don’t want to read any further but if you do, I will ’til my dying days try to get this damn problem fixed. It is no fun having Eureka! moments, only to watch the phone wipe them away (fortunately I wrote it all down, something good comedians do, as my dad has taught       me) . Thank you for your patience. Your readership in a over a year of publishing means the world to me.

Isn’t Nancy beating a dead Mr. Horse in the ground????????

“Nope, she’s running the ticker tape out into center field. I’ll have to use the vacuum. I don’t think I like getting the extension cord and plugging it into the outlet in the scoreboard. I don’t like it one bit.”

OK, OK, Nancy, Diff’rent Strokes for Diff’rent Folks. We gotta live together. P2 is a good embodiment of that. I’ve listened to the same Sly & The Family Stone album you have. Now will you turn off your Close ‘n’ Play and Puh-LEEEASSSSEEEE get your ass out on the field and play ball???????????

By gum, we’re still in the Milford Mall after having danced to “All Over the World”. Are we waiting for an encore?????? No, Nancy, I don’t think Guy Lombardo and his Orchestra are going to appear to play the same song, I’m doubtin’ he has the same technology as Jeff Lynne, ditto, Lawrence Welk. Mitch Miller? And those acoustics that sounded like they were singing straight from the commode? Fuhgetaboutit.

I just mentioned Jacqueline Susann and her band of Merry Valley of the Dolls in a tongue-in-cheek manner, thinking,well, it IS a sports strip, Major League Baseball just started the season, and there was action at the beginning of the arc.

But Susann can go to Midas and read through several articles in National Geographic (“Milford at a Crossroads.”) in the waiting room  before all her calipers and brake pads are fixed and still have time to spare, maybe go to the Milford Majestic to catch “Mary Poppins for the Saturday Matinee (all seats, $4.00, free unbuttered popcorn) , before Valley of the Dolls concludes the Mini-Series. God, hope there’s not a sequel. And she might have just enough time to do a guest appearance on Holly wood Squares, assuming her agent gives the green light.

Linda and Nancy will surely kiss and make up and Linda will make the final cut for the Olympic Volleyball team and Nancy will have polished her act before performing Synchronized Kung Fu at Carnegie Hall (“Everybody was Kung Fu fighting HAAAAA!!!!!!!…”) .

EVERYBODY ALL AROUND THE WORLLLDDDDDD

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I JUST HEARD—

“GIL!!!!!!!!!! Get those teenagers away from the pool and tell them to leave!!!!!!!!! And get your ass in bed!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honnneeeeeyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! The doctor said this is good physical therapy on  my back.”

As we continue our tour of the Milford Museum of Fine Arts, we approach a painting recovered out of the property across the street from The Bucket, a lost entry from Picasso called “Diana Ross-One Day, We’ll Be Together”. No truer words could be uttered.  She simply never mentioned that she was forced to use Elmer’s Glue to prove her point.

Now the challenge is to figure out the rest of the anatomy and if you can match limbs to torso, apply at your nearest med school. They need you.

“…Catwoman at the rodeo with The Joker on a double date with The Riddler and Totie Fields??????”

“Gil, just because SHE got 30,000 hits, doesn’t mean YOU’D get the same result…”

All righty then, if you’re through playing Jenga, your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to figure out how Nancy rolls gutter balls publishing articles about Batgirl’s sex life. I’m sure it draws some interest but 30,000????? If there was an episode  about The Joker dumping alum in Batman’s Bucket Full o’ Cheerios while Robin is chowing down on a Bucket Sub, designed to give Batman the runs and Erectile Dysfunction so bad you’d  no longer see that bulge you used to see when Adam West donned the costume and there’d be no hope of little Batmans running around the Bat Cave, sporting bulges of their own, the episode would score big on the Nielsen ratings, I’m sure, but nowhere NEAR “Who Shot J.R.?” proportions. Nancy, it’d be in your best interests to adjust the numbers a tad.

So I don’t look like a wet blanket and rain on Nancy’s parade, so Batgirl calls the Green Lantern for a weekend retreat and because she’s lonely and she just has had a thing for phallic symbols painted green so she’s gotta have that Green Thang when they hit Mudlark Lake Resort. Sure, it makes a unique romance novel storyline but doubt any President of the United States really has any interest. Nope, don’t think Eisenhower would take the bait, much less use his influence to get 30,000 other people to read it.

Wonder Woman saving the Milford Gymnasium from Lex Luthor’s Gigantic X-Ray Machine is catchy but 30,000 sitting on the edge of their seats wondering if they’ll have open gym tomorrow is inflating the figures somewhat. You might squeeze another 5,000 if that same ray gun is aimed at The Bucket (“I’ll have the Bucket 3-Bean Salad and Apple Fries—GET DOWN!!!!!!!! LUTHOR’S POINTING HIS GUN RIGHT AT YOUR BUCKET PEACH COBBLER!!!!!!!!!!!”) but let’s not confuse Nancy’s “Let Me Roll Female Superheroes to You” with “Great Expectations”. One’s a classic and I’ll let you do the math on that one.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.: ‘I Didn’t Use No Gloves This Time!!!!!!!!! Me And Batgirl Are Completely On The Level!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!! IN THE NAME OF LOVEEEEEE

BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEAR——

“Girl, is there ANY way you can get your foot offa my spinal column???????? Hard to turn to the right at the bridge of the song.”

Kevin Wright of Louisville, Kentucky, you do a GREAT job of taking care of the customer at the Pizza Hut in St. Matthews, Kentucky. Your enthusiasm for your job is contagious and the Cookie Pizza that was made the other day was DELICIOUS. You hve over come a lot and it shows in the pizza you make. Giving up is not in your vocabulary. Gang, if you go to Kevin at The Hut, give him some love and respect, he’s earned plenty of both.

With “Fun, Fun, Fun” by The Beach Boys in the background

“Great balls o’ fire, we’re havin’ a great time down here at The Bucket!!!!!!!! Wish you were here.

Hi, this is Mr. Absentee Landowner, here to stop bad publicity in its tracks. Like bad plotlines, they put a damper on your business. Nobody buys Bucket Banana Splits when there’s no girls basketball as was the case this year. Had to send 2 tons of Chiquita to the Milford Recycling Center. Believe me, we’ve had more Bucket Slurpees dumped on our image and it’s time to answer the charges that Milford Beverage Warehouse has been leveling at us.

The Warehouse claims our last Zoning Commission meeting was cancelled because our case was hopeless. Allow me to set the record straight. One of the members of the Zoning Commission lost a grandmother when she put the car in reverse and got the surprise of her life. He had to attend the funeral. Out of respect, we sent a bouquet of daffodils that we ordered from Milford Floral to express our condolences. The meeting has been rescheduled a week from this coming Tuesday.  And our lawyers will be there, not down at The Warehouse buying Lance’s Sour Cream Crackers. Land o’ Goshen, the shit The Warehouse piles on.

And The Warehouse will have you believe that  our lawyer, Nick Vinicello, got concrete shoes fitted on from Payless Shoe Stores and dumped into Milford Reservoir, due to a rival family perturbed at his representing the Gambinos. But even as I speak, he is ordering Bucket Popcorn Shrimp and Caesar’s Salad, complete with 2 packets of Bucket Italian Dressing. The Bucket even let him wear his bullet-proof vest. He is confident we will get our license even if the whole damn Zoning Commission loses members of their families, explicable or inexplicable. Sometimes you can’t help it if a Milford businessman was a cousin of Jimmy Hoffa. I’ll bet an order of Bucket Rattlesnake Fries someone at The Warehouse was kin to Al Capone.

Now the good news. We are offering something unique. Right now through April, The Bucket is offering Children’s Drinks as a way of expressing our thanks for sticking with us while fighting The Dark Side. Darth Vader can fight this all he wants, but if The Force wants The Bucket to serve Buds and PBR right next to Bucket Grilled Chicken and Scallops Combo, The Empire can bomb The Bucket all it wants but Han Solo returned in the movie and will return to file an appeal should our initial efforts to serve The Good Life next to a Bucket Oreo Blizzard fall through The Galaxy.

And the kids are gonna love Creme de Menthe sprayed into their favorite drinks, from Coca-Cola to Choc-Ola to Hawaiian Punch. My personal favorite, Grape Kool-aid, has more zing with Peach Creme de Menthe squirted in the cup.

And don’t worry, we’ve arranged with the Milford Police not to make kids take a Breathylyzer test nor walk 10 feet in a straight line. As long as they’re not behind the wheel and they’re secure in the child’s seat, the Milford Police will call it even. You wouldn’t let your kids drive your Chevy Malibu when they’re sober. Why take a chance after a couple of brewskies? Buckle ’em up and forget it. Just wipe their mouths should they spit up all over the stereo speakers.

At The Bucket, we gotcha covered. We can cut into The Warehouse share of the market while still continuing to fatten Archie and Jughead on Bucket Burgers. Pop’s Choklit Shoppe will remain an institution even if they pull Moose over for a DUI. We can overcome the technical stuff. Come see how today.

We will always serve Milford no matter what affadavits The Waehouse tries to file.”

Gang, comment away. Thank you for your patience. May God truly bless you.

BABY, BABY, WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO

“Girl, it’s goin’ straight down your throat if you flash your butt in my corneas one more time.”

« Newer PostsOlder Posts »

Blog at WordPress.com.