This Week in Milford

May 24, 2018

Pissy Faced Howdy Doody Is Pissed

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Barry Bader certainly is not one to take responsibility for his own actions, is he?  Gotta wonder how far back Barry’s chain of causation goes.   Does he thank his old man for getting thrown into the stony lonesome, or that stupid lawyer for not working out a better deal for his old man, or that ugly cow of a judge for hearing his case, or that second driver hanging on to old technology, or Boo Radley for being in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Credit where credit’s due, I suppose.  In her never-ending quest to promote her self-perceived journalism career by digging up dirt on her schoolmates, Dafne has the presence of mind to see that Barry needs help.  Exploiting that need for your own self-aggrandizement? That’s not how therapy works!

Went with the color version of the strip today to confirm that Dafne’s had an eye color change (and acquired a base tan) from last season. Colored contacts?

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May 23, 2018

Launch Angles!

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OK, Gil Thorp, I am not ashamed to admit that, when it comes to depictions of cartoon violence, you have my full attention. Showing the Derby baserunner (my hero!) dusting himself off in P1 just before getting tackled made my day. The only disappointment is that we miss the rest of the tussle and skip right ahead to the ump ejecting BB.

Bonus points:

BB’s form looks pretty good in panel two.

I always thought umps tossed people with their thumbs, not their pointer fingers but maybe I’m wrong about that.

Bonus questions:

How much of a run up do you think BB got and did the Derby baserunner (my hero!) see him coming or was he hit from the side?

Did I mention that the Derby baserunner is my hero?

May 9, 2018

Busting Loose, Shortly

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As someone who is a little above the 95th percentile in height,* please allow me to say the following:

  • I am fortunate to know a great many very accomplished and successful people, many of them men. Among those men, perhaps the most exceptionally accomplished are, generally speaking, kinda shorter than average.
  • That said, most all of these people, regardless of stature or gender, are incredibly diligent professionals and I often hold them out to others as examples to emulate.
  • For my part, I find that all I have to do is show up on time, smile a lot, crack a few jokes and wait for my full head of hair to gradually turn silver. Everything else just seems to take care of itself.

Enough of that BS, the world is a weird place. What can I say?  Speaking of, 5’8″ is, as has been pointed out in previous comments, not short at all! WTH?

Metapost: Speaking of me, if I can figure out how to upload an audio file to this site for free (WordPress thinks they’re entitled to payment for their services apparently) – call it never released Wednesday in anticipation of Jive Turkey’s Rock n’ Roll Thursday – look out for a completely different post that will be coming from me on Sunday.

* Actual snippet of conversation I had with a new neighbor: “It’s a pleasure to meet you but this is a little awkward as I had a twelve year run as the tallest guy on the block.”

Here we go. Please let me know if this is working for people and address all music criticisms/comments to the late ’90’s. Trust me, Sunday’s post may explain this.

May 3, 2018

Born of a Theory

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Oohwee, I don’t know about y’all but all that coaching had me dizzy! It about gave me the vapors. Thank goodness we’re back to some of the kind of stuff this strip does best: name-drop and set up boring cliffhangers.

There are a whole bunch of Jay Bhatias out there. Not sure which one this will be, but given Dafne’s secret thoughts about the fate of Del Bader, maybe this Jay Bhatia will have some influence over that. Is he Del’s parole officer? A new member of the Bader family legal team? Or just another meddling Milford kid with nothing better to do than open a previously sealed can of worms?

I’d bet Ms. Stratego Rizk will have a theory about how all this will play out. And I’d bet Casper Heenan or Hobart would be interested in that budget story.

May 1, 2018

Today’s entry was a toss-up between “A Charlie Brown Padilla Special” on the Hallmark Channel or Moose’s “Getting It On The Green” on ESPN3.

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Gang, I don’t know about you, but I’ve HAD ENOUGH of the Padillas. AND Moose while I’m on a rant ‘n’ rave. It’s bad enough that Charlie Brown Padilla née Jorge really wasn’t a factor in the last plot although you wouldn’t know it when he was a cause celebre via the Milford Pirate Network. Now he’s sticking his nose into other Specials, y’know, Halloween Special, Christmas Special, President’s Day Special, well, you get the General Idea. Moose isn’t any better but I’m goin’ generic here. Ya gotta admit Charlie Brown Moose is kinda awkward. Ok, Charlie Brown Pelwicki could pass but what if the producer is dyslexic and we’re stuck with Charlie Pelwicki Brown? Charlie Moose Brown? Lucy Padilla would have a cow. Therefore, Charlie Brown Padilla it is. And as long as he is confined to the area where you hear Vince Guaraldi’s “Linus & Lucy” throughout the Special, okay, I’ll swallow it and stay tuned for Batman’s “Earth Day Special”. But I swear if I see Charlie Brown Padilla in the Batcave punching information on the Batcomputer to try to locate The Joker’s hideout in a desperate attempt to keep him from bombing Gotham City with raw sewage out of SEVERAL C-130’s (keep in mind, we’re talking a Special related to Earth Day), I’m switching the channel to Gunsmoke (tune in tonight for a Special 2-Hour Earth Day episode when Matt Dillon battles The Dalton Gang when they are caught dead to rights pissing indiscriminately in Cripple Creek). Moose displaying his batting technique on “Perry Como’s Christmas Extravaganza for the Ages-Live in Branson, Missouri at House of Como”? Better be good.

And while Moose’s Rise to the Majors with a 9-Iron is still fresh in my mind, it seems the plotline gods are desperately trying to make up for Moose’s disappearance in last Fall’s scenario by encouraging his latest venture, somewhat reckless though it may be. Gonna be up front with you, gang, right off the bat (no pun intended). After working with hitters in Babe Ruth League Baseball and seeing some be successful at the high school level, I have no clue what Moose is talking about. And I humbly say that cuz I realize players make coaches, not the other way around. The players made me, trust me.

So that out of the way, if Moose is going to climb back up where he dropped off the Grand Tetons back in football season, he should at least have the common decency to swing the bat better if he wants to avoid the sand traps, as in P1. Those hazards could be killers when going for extra bases. Don’t swing for the fences only to wind up in the pond, Moose. And watch the alligators. They’ve been known to feast on aluminum bats. Furthermore, too many ball drops and not only will you get penalized a stroke, the batting average is going to suffer. Price you pay for going yard.

And as John S., Jive Turkey, et al, have mentioned, Gil’s coaching has been sparse (again, trying to be nice). So when he has a chance to make up for lost time as in P2, he falters by giving Moose tips on how to survive the Mudlark USSSA Modified Slo-Pitch Tournament this weekend at the Milford Softball Complex. Sure, Moose, that’s a sure-fire way to keep from popping up to the 3rd baseman. Oh, here, you’ll need to give the Tournament Director this Red Dot.

Right before “James Brown: Live at The Apollo ’68” Special is about to commence

“Bootsy, what’s that bald-headed honky with the funny-striped shirt doin’ talkin’ to our bass player?”

“I don’t know, James, but we’re too late to do anything. Just do your best struttin’ while we rip into “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag”. It’s a bit dark on stage, maybe the brothers and sisters in the audience won’t notice.”

CAN I TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE!!!!!!!!!!

YEAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN I TAKE IT TO THE BRIDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN I TAKE IT TO-

Charlie Brown Padilla is escorted exit left by the Boston Police. Yeah, I think James Brown (don’t get me started, gang, LOVE The Godfather of Soul) does it better.

And you whippersnappers and long-suffering Moody Blues fans are in for a treat. Because this plot is ALREADY getting on my nerves and with the recent induction of the Moody Blues into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (about damn time), I thought I’d kill 2 Padillas plus a Moose with 1 stone.  From their album “The Present”, sung to the tune ‘Sorry’, take ‘er away, Ray Thomas (flutist on “Nights in White Satin”, saxophonist on “I’m Just a Singer (in a Rock ‘n’ Roll Band)”, BTW)

Just hope that they leave

I’m glutted of their presence

Just maybe Snuffy Smith

Will brook their adolescence

I am willing to trade

Their butts for Hi & Lois

They’re grating my nerves

This plot’s in reverse

Soon it’ll swerve

My sanity’s left out to dry

for the last time

I’ll tell you up front, DAMN STRAIGHT,

it’s for the last time

Wayward Mudlark Runaround People-Ramble

Wayward Mudlark Runaround People-Wear the plot thin

Pointless-a word that’s aptly used to sum up what’s going down

Pointless is the way they steer this frickin’ bumper car into the ground

Do we dare pursue a whim

They’re laying useless BS on us

I can smell it across the gym

The odors shot from their lips

With them it always did

I think we’re hanging Marty Moon

for the last time

Padillas and Moose skip town

vamoose for all time

(The London Philharmonic Orchestra, Vienna Boys Choir, Milford Pirate Network cheering section, John Lodge, Justin Hayward (keep in mind, Graeme Edge is on drums, unable to stand in choral pews), the parrot contributing the falsetto voice, and 10,000 angels join Ray)

Wayward Mudlark Runaround People-stink

Wayward Mudlark Runaround People-bite the big one

Pointless-we’ll never see the light of day in this plot for fools

Pointless is the way they go from A to Z through a broken slide rule

Wayward Mudlark Runaround People, whoa, Nelly, if I keep this going, I’ll become one of them. No sense in winning the lead role in The Myth of Sisyphus.

If ya smuggle yore Falls City Beer across the border because ya don’t feel like paying duty on the merchandise at hand, stashin’ it under the steering column but later discover it’s the wrong country but find out it’s just as fun ta git rowdy and drunk with the Eskimos, ya might be a redneck.

A scene on the Ken Burns’ Jazz Special

“…Flat Foot Floogie with the Floy, Floy

Flat Foot Floogie with the Floy Floy

Floy-doy, Floy-doy, Floy-doy, Floy-doy

When you’re feelin’ low-down

You don’t know what to do

And you wanna show-down

It’s The Dance, The Dance, The Dance to doooooooooooooo

THAT’S IT, MCVOUTIE BROWNIE PADILLAROONI, NOW YOU ROLLIN’ LIKE A TRUE VOUT-A-HIPSTER, ISN’T HE, TINY? OH, YOU’RE STEPPIN’ SO VOUT-A-REENIE!!!!!!!!!!! WELL, ALL REET, YARDBIRD-A-REENO, TAKE THE NEXT CHORD BEFORE YOU CUT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The world of Slim Gaillard (see James Brown Godfather comment) was forever altered that night at the Milford Jazz Club.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Charlie Brown Padilla in ICU at Milford General Hospital, Requires 42 Stitches in his Cheeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Overextended himself trying to play ‘Ool-Ya-Koo’ on ‘Tribute to Dizzy Gillespie.”

Speaking of Ray Thomas, I sadly announce his passing. His rapport with the crowd when I saw MB in concert was fantastic. He really knew how to work the crowd at Mesker Outdoor Amphitheater in the Ohio Valley humidity with that heavy British accent. He was an excellent jack-of-all-trades, playing many instruments (as previously mentioned) and contributing many songs, all with an excellent cherubic feel to them. I miss you, Ray. RIP, My Man.

I would like to break a rule and extend Black History Month by expressing my UTTER JOY over the induction of Nina Simone into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Guys, what were you THINKING? I VERY reluctantly set aside my anger at the crock of justice to note that she had an impressive resume, “Silk & Soul” her calling card that bowled over the critics many times over. She also wowed the crowd with “My Baby Just Cares For Me” and “Young, Gifted and Black”. She ran the gamut from Soul to R & B to Jazz to Rock and Roll and could transition them quite deftly. A Civil Rights activist, arguably to the bitter end (who could blame her?), she lived in France for the remainder of her life. But her influence was felt worldwide and still is. As Justin Hayward, guitarist for the Moody Blues, said during his acceptance speech at the R & R HOF Induction, “Nina Simone showed us how it should be done.” I knew I loved your music for a reason, Justin. Please join me in saluting a worthy member into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and PLEASE spread her name. She deserves it.

Gang, fire away. I don’t think Moose’s buddies are sold on his concept. Maybe if kept his elbow up when he teed off on Dog Leg Right at #13, par 5, at the Milford Golf Course, oh, never mind.

April 24, 2018

“This is CNN live at Milford’s gym in the 28th day of the bargaining session and little progress has been made. Over to The Weather Channel across the gym for the start of the new plot.”

Filed under: Milford Idiots, Pointy Fingers, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 4:19 am

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…where the wavin’ wheat

can sure smell sweet

when the wind comes right behind the

rrraaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Plunking head with an aluminum bat) Sorry, gang, for a moment my mind was on vacation and my brain was working overtime in Oklahoma (sorry to butcher your lyrics, Mose Allison, I’ll check out your anthology at the library this week to make up for it). As in Oklahoma! You know, the musical. The exclamation mark is not a dead giveaway? Meanwhile, back in reality, Gil fast-forwarded from Studio 3 at WDIG to record (Gil doing back-up vocals as a tenor) with an up-and-coming K-Tel Records performer(should hit his stride on the commercial circuit between Archie & the Gang and the ABC Afternoon Special in about 3 years when not doing commercial breaks for WDIG at Boys/Girls basketball games) over to the gym and the plot already has a dead battery. Weren’t we just AT THE GYM??? Why are we still there? Oh, so Moose can start a new career teaching physics. Arguably better than his chances as a baseball player since we saw his football ambitions, well, let’s just say that at least we’re expecting Marty back by Mother’s Day. Besides, perfect opportunity given the weather. No sense in explaining launch angles in the batter’s box. You’d get soaked. Let’s not display the proper angle to go yard while swinging in Oklahoma!

And if Ernie the P and his buddy, Polly Parrot are hangin’ around in the gym-who’d REALLY be surprised?-ANYONE?-he and she (the parrot, of course) can videotape his golf swing. Sure, how to park one in the bleachers (the gym’s, not the ball park’s, it’s Oklahoma! weather, remember?) using proper trigonometric principles. Well, Marty’s not there to film Arnold “Moose” Palmer, he’s gone another 2 weeks.

Now, Physics is Phun in Baseball aside, can’t someone remember to PLEASE get a Sears Die-Hard Battery next time? If it can start in the throes of Antarctica, surely it can fire up in this flood of a storyline. And remember, we’ve already cornered the market on Noah’s Ark and there was no flooding in Oklahoma!, just rain, so Gil needs to rewire the Die-Hard to something more original. I think the Milford Pirate Network camera still has a charge.

Gang, you knew I’d have leftovers. Here’s that Totino’s Supreme Pizza that got abandoned for days in the fridge and got resurrected in the microwave

The radio voice in parentheses, just so you’ll know (or care), is Mr. Pocket Square Sporting Radio Station Manager/Brother Mary Elephant (teenchy’s take or mine, not offended in the slightest if you take his (sniff, sniff, getting out a handkerchief of my own))-pick ’em. From Paul McCartney’s album “Ram” (no, the donkey(BIG maybe, I’ll admit, just use your imagination, it’s a farm, understand, so pretend you have a Mattel See ‘n Say in your hands e. g. “The Cow says ‘Mooooooo'”, “Marty says ‘Eeee-Yore, Eeee-Yore'”) in the background isn’t Marty, in case anybody’s wondering),

We’re so sorry, Uncle Marty (We’re soooo sorry, ol’ chum)

But we haven’t heard from The Dove all day (just like her basketball career, dear boy)

We’re so sorry, Uncle Marty (we’re soooo sorry)

But if they grant us some concessions, you’ll be airing any day

Moooonnnnn across the airwaves

‘Larrrrrkkkkksss across the gym

Moooooooonnnn across the airwaves

‘Laaarrrrkkkkkksss across the gym

McCartney guitar lead-in

Admiral Gil Thorp notified Moon

He had to take it back or his job would take a swoon

He stuffed his face with beer nuts and drank a glass of beer with butter pie (he couldn’t melt the butter so he dumped it in the glass of be-)

Mooooonnn dead in the water

Mooooonnn a-splayed the lounge

Mooooonnnnn dead in the water

Moooooonnnn reeks like a ‘hound

Another McCartney guitar lead-in

Little Little Dove brought him to the ground (to the ground)

Marty lost some face and it’s still yet to be found

Little Little Dove crucified him good(nailed him good)

Marty Moon is so disgraced and besmirched the neighborhood

Mooooonnnn dead in the water

The music fading at the Milford Lounge, the jukebox coming alive with Dean Martin’s “Houston”

“Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry

When I take you in the surrey

When I take you out in the surrey with a friinggee on toppp

Watch the fringe and see how it flutters

When I drive them high-steppen strutt-”

“MOOSE, GIT OFF THE TOP OF THE DUGOUT AND GIT YORE ASS BACK IN THE GYM. THAR AIN’T GONNA BE ANY TWO-STEPPIN’ OUT IN THE RAIN. YULL KETCH PNEUMONIA”

“Kaz, I think Aunt Eller will work out fine as a coach. You might want to inform her of our coaching philosophy on profanity. It’s somewhere in the Milford High School Coaching Manual but I forgot where.”

Seen in the March 2018 issue of Guideposts: “When I’m getting attacked on all sides from a bunch of pukey teenagers that don’t know their BLEEP from a hole in the ground about broadcasting, I have a simple solution: I make my bed. Several confrontations between me and Coach T. have meekly melted away when I pull the twill covers over the sheets. I managed to avert danger once when Gil charged to his trunk to get his Winchester rifle when I said a Pony League Manager could have done a better job of coaching that hit-and-run against Oakwood by a deft flick of the pillow covers over the bed spread. And when I told Paloma my fuzzy car dice around the rear-view mirror was bigger than HERS? I may have had to go to the Milford Load-a-Suds to wash the egg-stained satin sheets after Peaches served breakfast-in-bed but victory was eventually achieved after a healthy supply of Tide. I pulled those sheets over the bed and did a Victory Lap. Talk about gaining a foothold on the Philistines.”

“Oh, what a beautiful morning

Oh, what a beautiful day

I got a wonderful feeling

Marty is going awaaayyyyy”

“Gil, that wasn’t nice. You know Marty and Jud will be back off suspension in a few weeks.”

On Free Meal Wednesday at Milford Open Fellowship Church: “Eccchhh, they put too many peppers in the chili again!!!!!!! And I HATE rye bread on the pimento sandwiches. So as I was saying, tell Paloma, sure, she can have a guest spot on the show. I’ll concede that position. But only after we win. Fans don’t want to listen to a parrot squawking after we got our asses handed to us. Hey, is there any more Chocolate Curl Cream Cheese Cake or did you throw it out?”

“And that’s gonna do it for the 3rd quarter. I have no clue what happened. I’m still a little light on the basketball lingo. I DID identify correctly a 3-point play when an Oakwood player pulled on Aardvark’s gym trunks as the A went up for a layup so YAAAYYYY for me!!!! Still fuzzy on things like ‘correctable error’ or ‘defense responsible for contact when vertical plane is violated’. Eh, I’ll let the Milford Injury Attorney sort that out. The score after 3, Milford, 49, Oakwood, 41, this is Ernie the P comin’ atcha in Milford’s gym on the Milford Pirate Network, a division of Lear Field Sports.(heard off the air just before commercial break) Can somebody get the janitor? The parrot just doo-doo’d again. Who fed him nacho chips ‘n’ cheese sauce while I was broadcasting?”

“Hi, this is Coach Gil Thorp and y’know, practices can get real intense. Then there’s game time. When the ump says “Play Ball!” your adrenaline is really pumpin’. Your nerves can be on edge throughout the game and it can get dicey, win, lose, or draw. And when a tall glass of Lowenbrau at the Milford Lounge isn’t enough, I head to Milford Liquor Warehouse. That’s right, check out all the varieties from Drewry’s Low-Sodium Lite in 24-Packs to Bluegrass State Bourbon. Man o Man, I know what booze I’M going to be sloshing with Mimi in those shot glasses we received as a wedding gift 30 years ago when we watch the Kentucky Derby on the wide-screen TV this year. And for all you wine lovers, boy, are you in for a treat. This week’s special features Boone’s Farm Blueberry Surprise, a real lip-smacker, and you can smack those lips at 3 bottles for only 10.99. Easy-open pop corks that are also biodegradable. Boy, THAT’s a surprise. And Mudlark Dom Perignon 2009 Gift Box, straight from the vineyards of Milford Valley, is sure to please that champagne-and-cheese crowd at the next family reunion or graduation party. We have it in stock for the jaw-dropping 219.99 and that includes the corkscrew, autographed by Yours Truly.  If you are short on funds, like I am sometimes, doggone it, it’s always a toss-up between Michelob Mini’s or my personal golf lessons, don’t worry. The Milford Liquor Warehouse takes all major credit cards. Why let The Good Life blow out your car window because you are strapped for cash? By the way, they also have shopping carts guarded by trained security so they don’t wind up in a ditch behind Milford Elementary. It doesn’t get any better than that. Come see the friendly staff at Milford Liquor Warehouse for all your Liquor needs, in the Milford Wal-Mart Shopping Center, right next to Luhm Electronics. And tell ’em Coach T. sent ya.”

“Let people say we’re in looovvveeee”

“OK, Peaches, then it’s settled. If you dump Curly, we can take advantage of that Mudlark Lake Resort special, you know, pay for 2 weeks, get 1 week free. I promise I’LL make the bed. Nobody but us and Mother Nature out there. Whattya say?”

Gang, fire away. I’m going over to Milford Liquor Warehouse to float a loan to Marty. He tried to buy that Dom Perignon for that outing with Peaches but the suspension evidently ruined his credit. He used to run up a tab there until he swore on the air. Now they won’t even extend him a Diet Coke in the Teetotling Cooler up front.

February 10, 2018

I tried to sing along, But damn that radio guy

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Alright alright alright! Let’s settle in and get ready for the write-in/call-in/March on WDIG to get Marty Moon canned! I’m a little surprised Knit Cap Girl hasn’t traded in her black knit cap for a pink one with ears. Maybe it’s actually a ski mask and she’s gonna roll it down over her face, tuck her hair up in it, march over to the station and take Marty hostage. Maybe she can cover that foam pointy finger (no way that’s a real finger, it has no joints) with it and pretend it’s a gun. Maybe her face will be rendered in three dimensions by the time we’re done with this scene.

Now, where’s that Dafne Dafoe when you need her?

Post title inspiration from these guys, whose name we were tossing around day before yesterday. (BTW, shout out to TWIMer Jive Turkey for hipping me to Local H.)

January 24, 2018

The Girly-Girl Basketball The Guys Play Around Here.

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Reading back from panels two and three, it’s really difficult to imagine the foul being committed mid-shot by Paloma in panel one, but I suppose she might have pushed off in panel zero.

Speaking of panel two, kudos to the chief on all of the details he’s included. And take those kudos back when the ref gains fifty pounds between panels two and three.

Bonus Points: Three straight panels of actual action including Paloma Padilla giving the zebra guff. I like it!

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