This Week in Milford

January 2, 2020

Mimi’s Last Theorem

Filed under: basketball, huge earrings, Mimi Thorp, Pointy Fingers — tdrewhardin @ 9:25 am

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While Alexa Watson is studying Integrals and thereby attempting to find the rate at which the moon Io revolves around the planet Jupiter, taking into account the tidal forces that account for the initial vector which affects the seasonal temperatures of the other moon Europa, therewith causing Jupiter to accelerate at abnormal velocities in relation to Newton’s First Law of Motion, a planet in Thorpiverse will keep dragging on and on in this plot gone awry until something interesting comes and whops Jupiter on side its head with a two-by-four and forces Jupiter to change direction, i.e., body acting upon another body, and baseball will actually be interesting this year as a change of venue, i.e., Mudlarks will have its Home baseball games ON JUPITER, Mimi will drag somebody out of Auto Mechanics who can slam dunk the ball.

Players with post skills, that sort of thing.

 

Big shout-out goes to Melody Bland and her fellow office staff at Iroquois Gardens Apartments of Louisville, Kentucky. While I was waiting to pay the rent, she was deftly handling a customer. I am impressed with her knowledge of the place and feel anyone of you out there wanting to rent would feel confident dealing with Melody. I know I got a good deal on an apartment that offers good space, comfortable rooms, and amenities in the kitchen such as a microwave. Yup, I can bash Gil while living in style. Great carpet, great closet space, SUPER bathrooms, all at an affordable price. And I felt VERY comfortable when I first met Melody and staff. What’s nice, one of my co-workers started renting there. Good news travels fast. Come in today and see for yourself. I bet you won’t be disappointed.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everyone knows your name.

 

And don’t know boutchoo all, but if Chris and Alexa are neck-and neck for the top spot in the academic race, and if Alexa is digging into her calculus book and assuming the OTHER BOOKS are calculus books and not Nancy Drew: The Case of the Missing Graphing Calculator (“It must have fallen under the bleachers when I was cheering Chris’ Last Shot”) , it is hard for me to imagine Chris taking Remedial Math and Advanced Bowling. Next thing you know, while Chris is in his driveway, Chris will be working on his free throws while simultaneously solving a proof. Hey, competition makes us better.

BRRRRIIINNNGGGGG

BRRRRIIINNNGGGGG

BRRRRI-

“Hello?”

COACH, GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!! I’M UP TO 80% AT THE FREE THROW LINE!!!!!!!!!! AND I SOLVED THE FOUR COLORS THEOREM!!!!!!!!!!! IF MILFORD IS PINK AND OAKWOOD IS BROWN AND YOUR HAIR IS BLUE AND NEW THAYER IS ORANGE, YOU CAN MAKE A BUCKET SLUSHEE OUT OF IT AND SQUARE THE CIRCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

“But my hair is green and did you use a protractor?”

“Okay, I’ll have to tweak. But it shouldn’t be any problem. Aim for the front of the rim when the hypotenuse is radical 2 more than either side in a 45-45-90 triangle, right?”

“You got it.”

Click

“Gil, who was that?”

“Chris. He was working on his homework and needed help.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Headline

“Mudlark Girls Basketball To Receive An Addition From Tanzania!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will Get off Plane At Milford International Today!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sub headline

“She still has to clear customs. But she’s academically eligible and is 7 foot. Should be good to go by next Tuesday.”

 

Don’t let Thorpiverse fool you. The artwork in P1 is first-rate, I have to admit, the shelves lined with selections from War and Peace to Vanity Fair to Notes on the State of Virginia to Notes on the State of Mudlark Girl’s Gym (…no interior defense shall be had, this writer posits…) to Fodor’s Gilspeak in 10 Days to History of Milford, Volume 7: The Roaring ’20’s.

But then we see, amidst the anonymous Dagwood background crowd, Alexa’s book wide open and there are pictures to be had. And if you take a closer look

“Richie Rich”

in

‘I Sat Behind Little Dot in Plane Geometry at Milford Elementary’

“Gee, Little Lotta, that’s your 1,276th burger. I’ll pick up the tab, I could buy the Milford Gym on my allowance but don’t you think you’ll spoil dinner?”

“Gosh, Richie Rich, you’re right. Save some for the rest of the Milford Elementary cafeteria to eat. I understand The Bucket is running a BOGO special on Bucket Crab Cakes. Yum yum.”

“Little Dot, what are you doing?”

“I’m drawing basketballs around Coach Thorp’s head because they remind me of dots. And those will probably the only dots we’ll see all Winter.”

Richie Rich and Little Lotta and the Mudlark Girls Basketball team all collectively groan.

 

Meanwhile, in the Bat Cave, Mimi is trying to solve Fermat’s Last Theorem

“Okay, no 3 positive integers satisfy the equation when the exponents are integers greater than 2. I get it. But nothing in the rule book says I can’t use an imaginary number. Let me plug in 2 + 3i and its cognate 2 – 3i and see what happens. The worst that can happen is that I should have moved the decimal point one place to the right-

BRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG

“Will somebody get the Bat Phone?”

Suddenly remembering that Batman and Robin are on assignment, out to prevent Catwoman from raiding the Coke machine before Gotham City takes on the Mudlark Girls team tonight

“Hello?”

“Batman!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Joker is up to his old tricks!!!!!!!!!!!!! He just stole all the basketballs off the basketball rack at the Milford Y!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“He’s not in. Can I take a message?”

 

Later

“…so when the line is vertical, f(x) ceases to be a function and is rendered useless when trying to insert 0 in the denominator and plug in as an integer. Golly Gee Whiz, Fermat is harder than I thought.”

BRRRRRRRRRIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGG

Bat Phone rings again

“Hello?”

MIMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND A PLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SHE IS A PRESENCE INSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE’LL PROTECT THE BUCKET BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SHE CAN SCORE BIG TIME AND ADD A LITTLE O. FARMER SAID SHE OUGHT TO BE ABLE TO MAKE PRACTICE AFTER THEY FED HER SOME SLOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Gil, I’m busy. Can’t it wait?”

“Are you still stuck on that problem?”

Mimi sighs and reluctantly answers

“Yes.”

“Mimi, I told you to use cosine waves instead tangent waves. The graph hits an asymptote at 90 degrees.”

 

If ya solve Fermat’s Last Theorem with the slide rule ya shoplifted out of Milford Five and Dime but ya bought the Red Man Fine Cut legally, and later consult Chilton’s Car Care Manual to make sure the integers are all ducks in a row, then scratch yore crack later on in triumph with the same slide rule ta remove the pimples and fleas, ya might be a redneck.

 

“BTW, how’d you manage to get to the Bat Phone line?”

“Batman still had minutes on his phone card.”

 

P3-“Ode on a Grecian Mutant Poplar”

Gang, are you as confused as I am over the abrupt change of scenery? One minute, she’s in her office finishing up the final proofs on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, the next minute, she is caught in Wild Kingdom in Winter. I guess it would only be logical for Marlon Perkins and Scientist-of-the-Show to be studying penguins and their migration habits in Milford, but give us a warning, puh-leeeasssee.

“Marlon, the penguins are nesting on top of Thorp’s house. We anticipate mating anytime now before they fly back to Antarctica.”

 

And quit throwing names at us, Thorpiverse. Like Fitch is a Cinderella team that’s going to be in the Final Four bracket opposite Kentucky. For all we know, Fitch is the name of one of those trees behind Mimi.

“Marlon, those penguins are definitely in estrus and get that way when they approach the fitch oak tree. Many of the droppings indicate a healthy diet of Bucket Burgers and walnuts. Some of them managed to escape Gil’s gun, they are hiding under one of its branches.”

 

Yeah, you gotta have good board scores if you want to attend Fitch but you don’t have to be a player with any basketball talent if you want to be on the team. If the opponent scores 39 points and WINS, case closed.

Is Fitch in the middle of Bush Country like Mimi is comfortably settled while agonizing over a 2 guard in P3? I wonder.

 

I am still mystified what Wrongful Injury means like I saw on a billboard this past week, I mean, what injury is good? Judicious Injury? Soooooooooooooo

 

“Marty, the rumors about the Mudlark Girls team picking up a pygmy out of Madagascar is totally off-base. Just because my office got relocated there doesn’t mean I’m interested. We need depth and speed in the backcourt, but I’m not desperate.”

“And we’ll be back to talk some more with Coach Mimi Thorp and to take your calls if you have something on your mind. This is Marty Moon and this is WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports”

 

At Milford Vocational & Technical College in Physics and the Real World 301

“OWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN that TI-36 sawed my finger off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just when I was figuring antilog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Martin Chumpley did not know that MVTC did not renew their contract with Texas Instruments so they didn’t tell their students that old calculators with vacuum tubes in them were still a requirement. The pressure-packed contraption caused the buttons on the calculator to assume the shapes of tiny switchblades. It was only a matter of time before someone was going to lose an appendage while working assiduosly on quadratic equations.”

“I called 1-FON-THE-JAWS and I not only proved Fermat’s Last Theorem, I got $3,674, 098 as compensation for my injury. One call plus carry the one and both were settled. I still have yet to crack Fermat’s Wrongful Injury but with The Shark and IBM Deep Blue on my side, it’s just a matter of days. And I kicked Deep Blue’s ass in chess, something Kasporov couldn’t do. Thanks, Shark.”

“Man O Man, beat Bobby Fischer, then go right around and have Bobby help you beat Spassky at Reykjavik? And get a huge chunk of change? Hell, I’ll get my #2 pencil and try to solve Fermat’s First Theorem. But you can’t sue for damages on that abacus if you don’t get in touch with me, Joe Sharkey, Injury Lawyer. We handle Wrongful Injury, Rightful Injury, Injuries that sit on a fence, and we’ll even come to you if you’re on crutches because you got bit by your Hewlett-Packard. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. One call, that’s all.”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m going to look up Fitch in the road atlas. I think if you take a right turn at Albuquerque, you’re there.

 

Mimi, on the phone, while enjoying her Maxwell House and Hydrangea lunch

“So she still has more papers to file to claim politacal asylum? But we need her this Saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“Marlon, those penguins near Gil’s chimney performing anal sex are in a ritualistic dance right before they mate. It is said that eggs should be coming anytime after this fait d’accomplait.”

December 19, 2019

Take My Emissary, Please.

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Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

These Woody Woodpecker jokes

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Belong in an ash tray, Folks

 

Don’t these ignorant churls

Ever flirt with the girls

Rather than utter inane humor

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Teddy’s head is one great tumor

 

I lost track of how many panels we’ve been seeing in the name of (fingers crossed) establishing the plot and this ain’t pretty, Gang. We have already learned that Alexa the Computer who goes by the nickname HAL doesn’t like being called IBM (“You don’t like being called “Al”, Dave. You can understand), Chris lives in the Twilight Zone and is HAL’s competition on the academic front and that Teddy Demarco’s idol is Woody Woodpecker. It shows.

And instead of going to the Milford Comedy Club on Monda y(“Open Mike Night”) and doing his own act, he’s gotta send Mop Head to do his dirty work. Did you ever see Rodney Dangerfield’s step-brother shove Schroeder on stage, after the latter was in his Hanes practicing “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik” (Lucy: “Schroeder, put on some pants, I don’t care what Gilbert & Sullivan piece you’re playing”)? That’s the equivalent today.

But the possibilities

“Yeah, I stuck my head in the microwave and after 30 seconds, the kids start calling me Jiffy Pop Head. I’m tellin’ ya, I don’t get no respect.”

Come on, Monday.

 

It’s bad enough that a few panels ago, we were observing Mudlark Ladies in their uniforms gossiping in Lifetime Basketball Gym Class, but Woody, if you’re going to sacrifice a lamb to dig at somebody, don’t send Mop Head and his See Spot Run humor.

 

See Dick over there.

He’s playing basketball with Jane.

Dick’s going to do a Cake-Baking-Baby-Shaking-Rump-Roasting-Bun-Toasting-High-Flyin’-Robinzine-Cryin’-I’m-Gonna-Go-Groovin’-So-Ya-Better-Get-Movin’-Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am-Glass-Breaker-I-Am-Jam on Jane.

Dick blows the dunk.

And Chocolate Thunder is crying.

Poor Dick.

 

Now THAT’S humor, Mr. Woodpecker.

 

Big shout-out to Chloe Whitaker of Louisville, Kentucky. She represents America with her hard work and determination. As a manager of Pizza Hut, she is able to get the pizzas and drinks out, the delivery drivers on time, and greet the customer at the Carry-Out with the professionalism that keeps the customer coming back. She is doing this while raising a family. Gang, I think she needs to be treated with respect. Come see why next time you’re in the area at the Pizza Hut on Lower Hunters Trace and Dixie Highway. I salute you, Chloe. America needs you.

 

Hoo boy. What is THAT hiding behind the balloon in P1. As long as Johnny Carson is going to congratulate the up-and-coming comedian for making Ed McMahon puke in his martini by making references to the comedian’s Chef Boy-Ar-Dee head, when he’s not making fun of someone’s lack of activity on the basketball floor (That happens around HERE? Perish the thought), I’d like to surmise the latest entry into the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects.

Some of you might call it a window. I beg to differ. I think Frida Kahlo contracted with the Chet Ballard-less Milford School Board to paint one gigantic banana she found in her back yard. The gods blessed the Mayan civilization with their own version of manna and it crash-landed in Kahlo’s kiddie swimming pool. What better way to commemerate damages to the scenery and still stay true to character. Even if you can’t fit the Chiquita on the canvas, well, hey, this is artistic expression. Sometimes you gotta use your imagination. Might as well, we’re having to do that with basketball. I bet the Dagwood Bumstead background crowd would agree. Yeah, smile for the camera, John Doe the Teenager, as long as you’re breaking the Fourth Estate while munching on a Twinkie. Or is that Diego Rivera, Frida’s husband? He’ll show up more than the officials at Mimi’s basketball games.

 

If ya git on stage and start rattlin’ off Hee Haw humor that yore readin’ off the note cards ya made out of the toilet paper in the outhouse, requirin’  3 rolls ta fine-tune yore act, ya might be a redneck.

 

At the Milford Comedy Club on Open Mike Night

“…and so Woody Woodpecker says to Pogo, ‘ya wanna split the scene and see what Winnie the Pooh is doing? I heard he’s trying to get Tigger off the bottle.’ And Pogo says ‘What do I look like, Elmer Fudd?'”

Silence

“Gil, I understand Mimi needs an assistant. They’re actually going to play basketball this year.”

 

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Greg Brady got dissed again

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Peter is really pissed, My Friend

 

This comedy show

Really needs to go

We prefer a gutter soon

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Basketball’s done began its swoon

 

Okay, okay, you swing-first-ask-questions later crowd aren’t satisfied so here’s what I’m gonna do to address the situation at hand

 

FRIDAY NIGHT, 8:00PM AT THE MILFORD GARDENS

 

CHRIS “THE ANIMAL” SCHURING

VS.

MR. T a/k/a TEDDY THE BEAR

NO TIME LIMIT, NO DISQUALIFICATION

MUDLARK CAGE MATCH

LOSER SPENDS THE REST OF THE SEMESTER TYPING MS. RIZK’S SYLLABI FOR INTRO JOURNALISM, ALL 4 CLASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DON’T MISS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Doesn’t that just fill your cup for vengeance? I know I get a rush while I’m typing all this. And I understand Anonymous Calculus Dude will be the referee.

 

P3-“I ran into a guy once who said he hadn’t had a French fry in 3 days.”

“What’d you do, Groucho?”

“I fried him.”

 

 

“I gave my wife my hair. She said, ‘No thanks, Dear, I have enough stuffing in the pillows’.”

BA DA BOOM

You can see the rest of Henny Youngman this Thursday at the Milford Comedy Club.

 

Gang, anybody who knows me knows that I live for coffee. I’m sipping on a cappuccino even as I text. And Folger’s is the best in the business, in my view. And Virginia Christine, the lady who played Mrs. Olson in the Folger’s commercials is a great actress.

That said, I’m a little befuddled why a lady with a Swedish surname has a German accent

 

At the Thorp Hog Farm one sunny day

“Mommy, there’s a strange woman in the kitchen.”

“I wonder who that can be?”

Gil, trying to snarf a bite of sausage from his Gil Thorp Pure Pork Italian Sausage and Wheaties breakfast sees the light

THAT’S MRS. OLSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“You are rrrrrright, Coach Torp-”

“Thorp, Mrs. Olson.”

“It’s OK, Mimi, she’s Latvian. They have trouble with their “TH’s”.

“Now vy don’t you bot seet down and I vill make you a cup uv Folger’s Hazelnut?”

“Ummmmmm, umm. Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Links, some Eggo Blueberry Waffles, some Trix, and Folger’s hits the spot, Mrs. Olson. They DO have Trix on the shelf in Patagonia, right, Mrs. Olson?”

“Gil, I think she’s German trying to be Bjorn Borg.”

“Eeess OK, Mrs. Torp, some people tink I’m an Eskimo with my accent. But I tell tem vetter you arrrrrreee Chinese or frrrroommmm Haiti, Folgers hits de spot at ze Milford Fireman’s Ball.”

“Mrs. Olson, I don’t care if it’s against the religion to sell Mel Purnell or Tennessee Pride or Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage in Oman where you’re from, my sausage patties and your coffee are a winning combo anytime.”

“Gil, don’t I satisfy?”

“Mimi, sometimes I get tired of eatin’ my Gil Thorp Kosher-Prepared Pure Pork Sausage with your combo Eight o’Clock Decaf and Nestle’s Quik concoction. Sometimes a man’s gotta have good eatin’.”

“I’m not talking about the coffee.”

“Whatever, Mrs. Olson and the rest of her Lapplanders know how to deliver good coffee FedExed on the reindeer. Nice to know when I’m devouring my Gil Thorp This Ain’t Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage.”

“Oh, Mr. Torp, you say ze nicest tings. I will lose my Bulgarian accent and join you for breakfast.”

“Sure, there’s plenty of Gil Thorp Flapjack-Size Sausages to go around. In fact, why don’t you finish that plate my kids were eating off of.

And Folks, get your package of Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage today. Tennessee Pride’s porkers couldn’t hold my jock. Come see why at your local grocer.”

 

Have at it, Gang. I’m sneakin’ in for the early show at Milford Comedy Club. I understand Gil will be funnier this time. The producer is making him use a teleprompter.

 

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Time for this farce to end

Huh huh huh HUH huh

False comics may not extend

 

I’ve seen better acts

That’s a mighty fact, Jack

Slapstick that made you laugh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

Huh huh huh HUH huh

An overload of frickin’ gaffes

 

 

Speaking of Carson

“The last time I had hair like that, Ed was begging me to make string cheese out of it as a substitute to cure his drinking.”

“Stop it, Johnny, you’re killin’ me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

“Mr. Freeze, after you’ve freeze-dried Batman and Robin in that gigantic Thermos cup, have some Gil Thorp Pure Pork Fritters to celebrate your takeover of Gotham City.”

“Gil, that’s Mrs. Olson serving Folgers Breakfast Blend and scones.”

December 14, 2019

It’s Like “Highlander”

gt12142019

After falling asleep for three days, it looks like I didn’t miss anything. Check that: it looks like I missed less than anything. Y’all think these sports stories have been boring? Hold on to your hats for four solid months of academic competition! Valedictorian: there can be only one!

No lie: I had to reread the lower balloon in P1 multiple times to make sure it didn’t say “Teddy DeMarco’s little bitch.” But which Teddy DeMarco? The not very successful welterweight from Philly or the prep point guard from Ohio? My money’s on the owner of the recently closed sportswear shop.

Back on topic: It’ll be boring as all getout interesting to see how a couple of basketball action panels once a week or so help advance this thriller of a plot, especially as we learn what Alexa and Chris plan to do with their post-Mudlark lives. Me, I’ll be sorely disappointed if we don’t get at least one installment of University Challenge.

December 2, 2019

Are You Caught Up?

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The rage Mama Roh has been bottling up all fall watching Chet act like a righteous asshole is finally coming out. Having to sit still and listen clearly doesn’t agree with Chet. Look at how his hand is twisting into something a five year old would make out of Play Doh.

I think there are some issues with communication in this relationship. I wonder how these two came together and decided to marry their fortunes together. I also wonder if Chet thought his new wife (does she have a name?) would just naturally assume a subservient role and go along with whatever stupid shit Chet wanted to do. I guess things have changed. However, Chet seems like a dyed in the wool a-hole so I assume it won’t be long before this thing collapses.

 

November 30, 2019

Good Lord, I Can See the End from Here

 

gt11302019

Hey boys and girls! Let’s

Get into the holidays

With a few haiku!

 

Milford Star headline:

Ballard Resigns from School Board

by Marjie Ducey

 

Woodward and Bernstein

Got nothing on Marjie’s mad

Journalism skills

 

It didn’t hurt that

Chet Ballard was as subtle

As a heart attack

 

Wants to be called “Dad”

By his stepson Charlie, but

Tries a bit too hard

 

What was Chet thinking?

Charlie would play more if Chet

Outed the starter?

 

Chet thought he’d dish dirt

Forgot he left a keystroke trail

What a nincompoop

 

Better if he had

Taught Charlie not to fumble

The ball won’t drop itself

 

Guess what’s next, Chet? “It’s

Only going to get worse.”

Time for Divorce Court!

 

November 28, 2019

Get Out Of This Comic Strip, You Misguided Puppet.

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For Thanksgiving,  I wish nothing but the finest for all of you. May God have you prosper at work, at home, and with your family.

I am VERY thankful for the TWIMers who keep this thing going. You amaze me, people. What started out with one person has branched out into a pitch-in campaign and that’s what makes the humor that much more effective. In the nearly two years on the staff, I humbly sit back and watch you people write your stuff and I am never disappointed.

I am nothing without Jesus Christ. He makes it possible to write this nonsense and I praise Him several times over. He has blessed me on the site and off the site, i.e., my family, home, work, everyday living, and that makes Thanksgiving truly a holiday for me.

You may worship a different God. If so, give Him your best if you don’t worship mine, is all I ask. Either way, a HUGE thank you for all that you do, Gang. Again, Thanksgiving is not the same without you. You all mean the world to me.

 

Is Chet Ballard in trouble. How else could you explain the extra Magic Marker stains on his forehead, hair, apparel, beard, well, I wouldn’t go that far on the last one. Maybe lice but not Magic Markers. The lack of trimming of his beard or ethics is enough of a smudge mark(s).

Black Bart, Snidely Whiplash, The Joker, Jerry Pulver have all challenged Gilberto the last 60 years. As you can see, in spite of lack of coaching or styling mousse (dips his hair in the same vat where Crayolas are allowed to cool and settle) , Gilberto is always Last Man Standing. What makes Chet think he’d be an exception? When you have a weasel for a School Superintendent suddenly coming across like Wyatt Earp, Chet should have seen the signs. Wrist snapped back into place after Howard Elston nee Elston Howard finally got his Tinkertoy parts FedExed, conversations with Filet Mignon Head the Receptionist, Mrs. Roh appearing on Divorce Court. You didn’t notice, Chet? You might have a fine six-shooter but if Gil’s been lugging around a cannon for six decades…

“I’m Doug Llewellyn, reminding you that if you’re husband hasn’t pared his beard since FDR implemented the TVA program and is a stiff-necked lout with more teeth than moral behavior, and try as you might to tell him not to pick the lock on the door leading into the students’ records, let alone hot-wire the Macys’ station wagon when the Die Hard battery failed in his own vehicle, don’t call Don Corleone and have him dumped in Mudlark Lake. Take him to court.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Judge Wapner Orders Chet Ballard To Hand Over Stolen Records Of O.J.’s College Transcript!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“A lot of good that did. We still wound up in second place in the Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League.”

 

And to think, Marjie and Janis Ian thought that Mr. Flex-Name, er, School Superintendent couldn’t bring Chet to his knees. Amazing what happens when you actually exercise your authority, especially when the crime was painfully obvious. Guess he got his head out of his butt and saw daylight and the truth, whichever came first. This Bud’s for you, Flex.

 

Now I’m helpless, it’s a killing spree

This travesty and farce will drive me to the sea

It took some time to plan where I’m coerced to flee

The Mudlark team is all coming after me

I had no thought about my own reward

I cheated without Chance or Charlie’s firm accord

Just don’t say I’m

DAMNED FOR ALL TIME

 

Andrew Lloyd Webber couldn’t have said it any better.

 

Now, come on, Chet. Extenuating circumstances? We’ve been reading the Milford National Toilet for 3-4 months and have observed Gil not doing his job because he was riding in the back seat with Friday and Gannon and have watched Marjie conduct what amounted to an audit when she wasn’t puking with Sam Finn over Manwiches  and Canada Dry during the same length of time and you can’t lie any better than THAT????? You better upgrade your prevarications to “I was bitten by a zombie and therefore was not in  my right mind when I walked in with the combination to the records vault at Milford High School Complex that I stole from Dr. Pearl’s purse under her Pond’s Cold Cream and walked away with Chance’s time at Devil’s Island when Chance was rooming in the same stockade with Papillon” if you want to earn your 30 pieces of silver is all I can say.

 

If ya turn in a poacher and the Con-ser-va-shun Officer tries ta reward ya with 30 pieces of silver but ya turn it down and insist on a 6-month supply of ammo instead cuz ya cain’t shoot an 8-pointer with 30 pieces of silver, especially during bow season, ya might be a redneck.

 

P2-now that we’re in the High Horse section of today’s strip NO WAY do any censures or castigations of a general nature occur WITH A HALO SURROUNDING HIM OR HER. I know we’re going for the inspiration angle here but Gil cussing out Kaz because the laundry lady forgot to wash all the jock straps before kickoff with Gil environed with St. Elmo’s Fire just doesn’t cut it.

But let’s examine a few more examples for all you stubborn mules who don’t know when to say “uncle”.

“Gil, get out of the trash can!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Milford Sanitary Disposal, Inc. picked up the trash this morning. The Totino’s  Supreme is long gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Peaches, I’m pumping as fast as I can!!!!!!!!!!!! Why don’t you go brush your teeth? I should be good to go by the time you come to bed.”

“Darling, quit sneaking out with my dentures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nobody respects a principal  of the school if she metes out In-School Suspension displaying her gums!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There’s an ample supply under the sink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh wow, Beaver, when Dad comes home and finds out that Ms. Rizk caught you jacking off her typewriter, you’re gonna get clobbered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Somebody’s been dumping rabbit meat in the Spaghetti O’s again and I will fire the next cafeteria lady caught dragging in Bugs Bunny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Catwoman, I perform oral sex when I’m off the clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now it’s time to send you up the river to the Milford Women’s Correctional Facility!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Always after  me Lucky Charms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The last one was on the house.

 

I did it cuz I had to, I’m the one who saw.

That Chance never polished all his silly flaws

Moreover there’s an issue that I hate to broach

He lacerated the jaws of his clueless coach

I had not thought about my own reward

Though I wouldn’t mind driving home with Gil’s Accord

Just don’t say I’m

DAMNED FOR ALL TIME

 

And I know that Thorpiverse is trying to create the right mood given the situation at hand but does anyone think Il Barbiere di Siviglia as a Moor is a bit much, especially when it’s mixed in with the clown paint before he lets ‘er rip with Vesti La Giubba? I know Thorpiverse and Pagliacci were collaborating in order to ensure proper effect but putting on clown paint when you’re already a clown, let alone that life goes on even if Mrs. Roh runs off with Steve Luhm is throwing one too many irons in the bonfire at the Milford Pep Rally. And Il Barbiere’s nightmare has just begun, not sidetracked looking like The Joker after Catwoman split on you without signing the divorce papers. Looking like Bozo whwn you’re already Bozo anyway isn’t going to stop Pontius Pilate and his Ring of Fire he borrowed from Johhnny Cash from pointing a finger at you. It’s never too late for Il Barbiere to get his A license and drive semi’s.

 

 

On a recent episode of Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw

Racing his butt off in his Range Rover, Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw, after leaving the iceberg in the background that had more parallel lines, eyes his target.

“All right, Goofy, take off your  mask and let me see your driver’s license and registration.”

“But I’m not wearing a mask. I just tanned a little too long on the tanning bed at Milford 24-hour Laundromat.

“That;s what they all say. But I noticed you didn’t bring any Mudlark Cling-Free sheets. Dead giveaway. They always wind up with static on their Breeze towels when the sun lamp goes haywire and they don’t have an updated registration.”

“They’re holding up my face.”

 

And I remember from my school days when I attended a Model UN Conference. I represented Austria so I was mainly a minor player since Austria never mixed it up with, say, the U.S. and the USSR in negotiations. Anyway, we had an issue on the table that involved Israel and the PLO. Naturally, true to the real world model of the UN, the one representing Israel and the one representing the PLO are slugging it out, the rest of us trying to mediate the conflict, again as in the actual UN proceedings.

And somewhere in the middle of the presentations, Israel is flailing of course at the PLO but then, while discussing a potential agreement, the Israel representative yielded the rest of his time to the PLO, something Israel would NEVER do in the UN proceedings.

That’s why I had to adjust my set on WDIG-TV. I could have sworn I saw Marty Moon tell the truth about Gil. Sometimes the antenna outside gets chewed on by the raccoon in the neighborhood. Santa has been known to have had one Mudlar-K-Cola Non-Alcoholic too many and trip over the antenna while trying to get to the chimney with his bag of toys. And sometimes Donner and Blitzen dump their poop around the area.

If Santa curbed his reindeer, Chet’s in a lot of trouble. Chet’s running out of friends and if Marty yields the rest of his time to Gil, it’s time to head to Antarctica. Hope he doesn’t mind living with penguins.

 

Thank you for trashing his personal file

We’re grateful for info that’s meant to hurt

You’ll be richly rewarded with coins by the mile

It’s a pleasure to deal with a man of your worth

 

I DON’T WANT YOUR BLOOD MONEY

Oh, why don’t you take it, our wages are good

I DON’T NEED YOUR BLOOD MONEY

You’ve hurt Chance’s chances, we think that you should

 

Think of the many ways you can spend it

The Bucket, a steak house, The Milford Lounge

Just look at it as payment for setting things straight

30 pieces of silver is the least we can

Least we can

Least we can

Scrounge

 

“Don’t go away. We will return for Chance’s crucifixion on Jesus Christ Superstar after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Milford Soup Kitchen on Thanksgiving

“Good Lord, I just swallowed an army boot!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage claimed they used no fillers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Anybody know the number of The Shark?”

“It’s bad enough that one person got nailed to a tree and another soon to follow but while you’re keeping track of the 39 floggings out there, you can wash YOUR hands of your own affairs by calling  1-FON-THE-JAWS. Thanksgiving handouts shouldn’t have to be hazardous dump roped off by the EPA.”

“I got a check for $4,754,968,256 from Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage after The Shark took out his 20%. I was able to buy the ladles at the Soup Kitchen and shave my scraggly beard. I got tired of looking like Chet Ballard with hand-me-downs he got from Milford Thrift Store. People were always asking me about insurance while I was in line getting mulligan stew dumped on my tray. Now I can scrape my succotash with day-old Wonder Bread in peace. Thanks, Shark.”

“Insurance companies are hard at work covering their own end. Don’t let Gil drop a fly in your soup. Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful, not sorting out elephant turds in sausage that Mr. Thorp calls fillers. If your own Thanksgiving celebration is wet from all the pee that one of your hobo friends at The Kitchen let loose on the Cool Whip, that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying the pumpkin pie. Get the money you deserve to replace the Cool Whip and enjoy your own rhubarb pie.”

“I got 39,576 tubs of Cool Whip stuffed in my locker at the Milford Shelter. I can eat real pumpkin pie and turkey plus Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage as an appetizer. The rest of the money I’ll invest in long-term bonds. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard the man. come reap the rewards of your own handout. One call, that’s all.”

 

Thanks for your patience, Gang. Thanksgiving was truly good to me today. Working with my great nephew in basketball, playing games with the rest of the kids, being with my mom and dad and several nieces and nephews, while enjoying my sister’s cooking and watching Thanksgiving football just gave me several more reasons to be thankful. I hope you can say the same.

 

Always knew that I’d be a frickin’ Mudlark

Always knew I’d be one if I tried

Then when I leave school

I can lounge like Gil Thorp

So they’ll all emulate us when we die

November 27, 2019

Hasn’t There Already Been an Investigation?

gt11272019

Excuse me but haven’t Marjie, the superintendent and Captain Man Bun already investigated Ballardgate?  What’s left to investigate?  How about some of the details in today’s strip?

P1: How much squirming must it take to get your forearm in front of you to facepalm at that angle?  Careful Chet, you’ll poke your eye out.

P2: We’re on to the third day in a row where people are just reading Marjie’s article aloud to other people.  I can see why Gil looks a little pissy, especially since Mimi’s leaning over him to point at what she’s reading.  (Bet she’s one of those people whose lips move when they read to themselves.)  It’s enough to distract him from his carbo loading. Must have a heavy day of lifting with Kaz on the agenda.

P3 triggered a lot of childhood memories for me, as I remember fondly the day my father bought me a Howard Elston catcher’s mitt. Superintendent Elston looks like a lot of recycled art pasted together: Lee Corso’s head with Paulie Walnuts’ hair spliced atop a  torso Walt “No Neck” Williams style, an odd suit jacket with contrasting lapels and a pocket square but no necktie, and topped off with Whigham’s signature gesticulating hand.  He gets the “immediate” part of the investigation; not so sure about the “thorough” though, as he sends his female charge off with no real direction.

That’s all I have to say about that.  Tip of the hat to Rubin for reminding me of the first black Yankee and the man who had the unfortunate task of having to fill Yogi Berra’s shoes.

 

November 12, 2019

Elephant? What Elephant? In This Room?

111219

Drinking my Maxwell House one day, puttin’ the vinyl “Double Fantasy” on the turntable

 

People say it’s silly

Lost and confused

 

TWIMers think it’s messy

Blowing my fuse

 

When Chet exclaims with a straight beard

That Dumbo’s not around

I flip a coin between Gil and Chet

For who’s the bigger clown

 

I’m just sittin’ here watchin’ this plot spin ’round ‘n’ ’round

I really loathe this cruddy show

 

May we depart this hopeless merry-go-round

We just got to let it go

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Bruce Wayne Is Removed As A Suspect In Batman Case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford Transportation Board spokesman said that Batmobile required a B License Endorsement, something not presently in Mr. Wayne’s possession.”

 

Okay, let me first throw my hat in the ring on the legitimate comments by our TWIMers in relation to education and the newspapers.

It has been my experience that the bigger cities (100,000 or more) are able to sustain a newspaper with its own education reporter. My own city I grew up in, which was in the category I mentioned above, has had for several years and currently has a beat writer covering the news pertaining to schools in the area.

The problem I personally am encountering here is, based on my experiences with reading Gil Thorp (“More fun than a barrel of monkeys”) , Milford is about the size of, say, Vincennes, Indiana or Henderson, Kentucky, 2 cities able to sustain a Wal-Mart and possibly a Kohl’s or Home Depot but still only capable of supporting one public high school and occasionally, as in Vincennes’ case, a private high school, Rivet (Rih-VAY), a Catholic High School.

Therefore, it’s dicey whether the Small Town Gazette is going to carry it’s own education section or have the financial resources to support a reporter in a specialized field like education. Anything’s possible but again too dicey for me.

But this is Thorpiverse and anytime you can get a beat writer like Niah Peters in this case to sit on the upper left-hand drawer when it’s locked shut and discuss with “We’re unclear whether she’s the de facto editor” Ducey about the rhino that escaped Milford Petting Zoo, the logic I mentioned above might as well get thrown in the big pot at Milford High School cafeteria along with the other ingredients in the 12 cans of Campbell’s Chunky Vegetable. Use a spoon, you’ll want to get every drop.

And WHO ELSE do you go to if you suspect a problem? I always thought that’s what School Board meetings are for. If there’s a strong suspicion (and this one’s arm pits are smellin’ PRETTY STRONG) that someone’s not on the up-and-up, what else CAN YOU DO? If the rhino is not in the petting area with the rest of the lambs and goats to feed a bottle of formula, do you go to Bozo the Pope and tell him a rhino is NOT in the room with the elephant? I always thought that’s what a zoo director is for. But let me cross-reference my sources. I’ll get back with you on that one.

Then there’s Janis Ian talking to someone with a neo-Jefferson Airplane hairdo-OH THAT’S MARJIE “SCOOP” DUCEY-about the possible repercussions should they challenge Chet to a toro fight at Milford Municipal Bull Ring. I think the gist of the conversation is that el toreador would be flattened by Big Butt Ballard, beard and all, should they go the procedural route. Okay, okay, I know some of you hoity-toitys out there think they shouldn’t ignore protocol and you might have a point.

But I gotta be fair about this and I am therefore enlisting the aid of Dragnet once again to see if we can resolve this one.

1:29PM. It was cool in Milford. The city had just been hit with snow flurries that tapered off right in line with our investigation. Bill and I were transferered over to the Recreational and Athletic Suspicious and Unwarranted Activity Division of the Juvenile Delinquent Department. The boss is Captain Peters.

We were advised to be on the alert for occurences at the Milford football games in relation to a one Chet Ballard. He was believed to be harboring dirty laundry and illegal records pertaining to one of his stepson’s teammates, Chance Macy. Witnesses said they saw him loading that stuff with a spade shovel in his trunk. We could nail him on Milford Penal Code Section 34 Article 9 Clause 103 “Illegal and Unlawful Work-Related Incidents with Intent to Self-Promote Family and Self, Including Domesticated Animals in Household” but without a search warrant, the only other way we could get him to open his trunk and display the spare records and spare tire was if he lost his key and asked me and Bill for a crowbar. The investigation was running colder than a Bucket Slushee.

Captain Peters suggested I talk to the School Superintendent. A fair proposition. One problem. While conversing with him and Gil down at the Milford Lounge, he informed me (the superintendent, not Gil) that this was out of his bailiwick. His job was to make sure the cafeteria ladies at Milford High had plenty of Handi-Wipes when handling the cheeseburgers so kids wouldn’t contract E. Coli or procure slaughterballs for gym class at Milford Elementary out of the catalogue of Classroom Paraphenalia. Fighting a guy whose razor had seen better days and was now shaving cow hairs for better milk production was not his cup of tea or the flask of Jack he was imbibing. The superintendent wasn’t going to get his retirement doing the right thing even if a sleazeball knew how to work the system the way he maneuvered his Trac II.

“Bill, let’s go get something to eat.”

“What about the case?”

“Hopeless. I could run him out of town on a Section 97 “Unwarranted and Illegal Entry into Public Building” but he could say he was in the Milford School Corporation Annex because his diarrhea medicine was kicking in and the Milford Park Public Unisex House was shut down for the season.”

“Back to square one, aren’t we?”

“Looks that way.”

“I heard the Superintendent tips pretty good at Milford Lounge, I’ll say that for him.”

“We could use some tips from him, all right”

Obligatory somber Dragnet music pipes in

 

Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared In Batman Case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I asked the judge if he could see me in my blue Fruit of the Loom’s fightin’ The Riddler. I think that was the turning point.”

 

People say it’s stupid

Lacking a clue

 

TWIMers call it tepid

Ridiculous too

 

When the hippo dances with the crocs

And crush the furniture

Because nobody bothers to duly note

Chet’s self-imprimatur

 

We’re just sittin’ here watchin’ this plot drag ’round ‘n’ ’round

We’re gettin’ dizzy from all the snow

No need to further prod this merry-go-round

Why don’t we let it go.

 

THE HAND IS BACK

 

You Dark Shadows junkies like yours truly know exactly what I’m talking about.

And what a bad time for it to return, participating in a meaningless and pointless discussion that really shouldn’t be on the agenda in the first place. Heck, send The Hand to scare the living daylights out of Chet like it did us Shadows junkies, otherwise, it might as well be doing Karaoke in P2

At 2:34 A.M. in Chet’s bedroom

“You were always on my minddddddddd-”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA, GIL, I KNOW IT’S LATE BUT I CONFESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I POCKMARKED CHANCE MACY’S TRANSCRIPTS SO CHARLIE COULD START AT RUNNING BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE REALLY DIDN’T FLUNK ‘METALS FOR LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENTS’ OR ‘ADVANCE LATIN’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST GET IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“Who was that?”

Gil half-asleep

“I think it was Chet. Something about Chance not getting a D- in Geometry 2 because some hand was grabbing his butt and giving him a wedgie.”

 

Well, if anybody has a better suggestion…

Otherwise, we can always call The Orkin Man as long as we’re going to eliminate valid options. The School Board room is going to look silly because it has personnel either on the School Board or in the Administration Building not willing to observe proper practices because it’s overthinking and overlooking the obvious, along with our cub reporters, but the room will be roach-free. I think that’s an even trade-off.

 

And as for P3, Mr. Lennon proves a song is worth a thousand words

People say it’s cheesy

Got bad reviews

 

TWIMers hate the premise

Yesterday’s news

 

When we fear a gutless myrmidon

With scruples in his beard

School Board regulations

Go the way of a rabic steer

 

We’re just sittin’ here watchin’ this tripe fling ’round ‘n’ ’round

We really hate the rigamarole

Why don’t we cease and switch to basketball

We just have to let it roll

 

WE JUST HAVE TOOOOOOOOOOO LET IT ROLL

Got message?

 

Because I’m a Classic Rock fan who saw Hard Rock in an ad but learned that they were referring to a man’s Erectile Dysfunction and the healing powers thereof

In the basement den late one night, the door double-locked, Coach Shaw blasting The Who

“Honnneeeeyyyyyyy, My ears are scorched and so are my flashes. It’s time to come to beddy bye and have some funnnnnnnnnnn.”

“Not now, Mrs. Shaw, I’m practicing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Honey, What are you breaking? I hope it’s not the Chippendale chair that belonged to my grandfather.”

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Shaw, I have a vise grip that’s holding all these light bulbs I bought at McShane’s Hardware. I’m pretendin’ I’m Pete Townshend and I’m doing a killer windmill with this ukulele, when I’m not smashing it to bits…

LONG LIVE ROCK, I NEED IT EVERY NIGHT

LONG LIVE ROCK

BE DEAD OR ALIVE

 

“Darling, we can do ‘Live at Leeds’ another time. Why don’t you Rock ‘n’ Roll with me?”

“Just when Won’t Get Fooled Again’ s on the turntable? How can you profane a classic like Who’s Next? Heck, I’m doing the part where Keith’s taking a leak at Stonehenge or wherever they hauled that rock from.”

I’LL TIP MY HAT TO THE NEW CONSTITUTION

TAKE A BOW FOR THE NEW REVOLUTION

 

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Them GE 100-Watt Heat Lamp bulbs will never know what hit ’em with me and Pete smashin’ ’em like overripe pumpkins. Ain’t that the name of a group?”

“Overripe Pumpkins?”

“I thought it was Smashing Cantaloupes”

“Dear, at any rate, at least Loony Moonie dropped his pants on the album cover.”

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Excusez-moi, Mrs. Shaw, but Roger and me just conked out a lava lamp while twirling our mikes. We’ll clean up the mess later.”

WHY SHOULD I CARE IF I HAVE TO

CUT MY HAIR

I’VE GOT TO MOVE WITH THE FASHION

OR BE OUTCAST

I KNOW I SHOULD FIGHT BUT MY OLD MAN

IS REALLY ALL RIGHT

AND I’M STILL LIVING AT HOME EVEN THO

IT WON’T LAST

“Honey, you won’t be living at home much longer either if you don’t perform a windmill on me.”

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Just when Quadrophenia is heating up!!!!!!!!!!! And I got some Gorilla-Gro that I applied on my chest so I can have a sexy front like Roger. King Kong twirling a mike to The Punk and The Godfather will drive even the teeny-boppers for Frankie wild. And damn, I thought the Overture would never end. Kinda like the game the other day.”

IF YOU COMPLAIN, YOU DISAPPEAR

JUST LIKE THE LESBIANS AND QUEERS

Coach Shaw blowing on song flute in a well-intentioned attempt to imitate Entwistle’s French horn interlude

YOU’LL START DANCING

 

SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!! I smashed my trophy case!!!!!!! Hope the antlers are OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“I had to learn the meaning of Hard Rock the hard way. And when my Significant Other was lamer than a dead snake in our back yard, no matter how many windmills I did, I knew it was time to come clean and get my butt down to Milford Men’s Clinic. With proven traetments and proper medication, I can now whip myself in a frenzy from Baba O’Riley and my wife is caught up in the whirlwind and lovin’ it. Isn’t it time you and Pete laid down your guitar and checked in? Your concerts will truly be hard as Rock. Only at The Clinic.”

 

Gang, thank you SO MUCH for your patience. Trying to work this blog in while juggling my new job is a challenge but as Coach Stuard taught me, you learn to get around it. I am thankful for loyal and patient readers like you TWIMers. God bless you all.

 

“IbelieveinMIRACLES

Where you from

You sexy thing-”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Gil, did you forget to go to The Clinic again???”

Turns off Hitachi Sound System in his office

“They were closed for the holiday.”

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Shaw Banned For Life From Milford Holiday Inn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Local resident drove the family station wagon into the swimming pool.”

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