This Week in Milford

April 6, 2020

I’ve Seen Prairie Style Windows From Both Sides Now

Filed under: baseball, Gil Thorp, Marjie Ducey, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 6:08 am

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Forecast of snow? A lot of speed? Did I just walk in on a drug deal here? Of course not. There’s no room for that kind of excitement here. What do you think this is, Mary Worth? No, it’s time for Gil to go down the roster with Marjie in a little segment we like to call Gil Goes Down The Roster With Marjie Ducey.

We just met the pitcher, Mark Godleski, who carpools with one of the outfielders, Mark Knappe (aka The Mayor), a wiseass who chugs milk and cereal from a sports bottle. This makes him interesting.

The remaining two outfielders are well known to us here at TWIM. We have Chance Macy who was stealing carries from Charlie Roh last fall, much to the chagrin of Chet Ballard. Then we have Tiki Jansen, who Chet Ballard was trying to get kicked out of Milford High for not meeting residency requirements in the summer. Wow, we had a lot of Chet Ballard face planting last year.

Always last, of course, is catcher Hiawatha James. Hiawatha James never gets a story line. We’ve seen him scoring points on the field and taking part in some locker room banter, but so far we haven’t seen him run afoul of Chet Ballard or do any of the other two or three things that bring you into the foreground of Gil Thorp “action”.

March 24, 2020

“If You’ll Throw In The Shadow People Singing ‘Pomp And Circumstance’ A Cappella, You Got A Deal”

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In the halls and in the gym

Everywhere

Cafeteria and rooms so dim

God, I swear

Always grace the scene on a whim

The silhouettes, I declare

 

They sit and stare

They

Sit

And

Stare

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Come to bear

 

We should have known better than to assume that Thorpiverse was going to wrap this up any time soon. Like, what was Mrs. Brown Haired Counselor going to do, shoot Alexa cold dead with a Magnum and award Valedictorian to Chris by default? Gotta hand it to Thorpiverse. Cut that Gordian Knot and get baseball started sometime this week. Wouldn’t put it past Thorpiverse, but no, odds are this’ll get dragged out to The Bitter End. Being a Husker Du fan, they had a CD called The Living End. Both concepts have one song in common. It’s Not Funny Anymore. Put the gun away, ma’am, and let us continue to our exercise in boredom.

You would assume that Gil is getting the field ready for baseball, ditto Mimi in softball. I’d hate to know Gil is under the desk eavesdropping and making sure things are kosher. Wouldn’t want another Teddy incident. If you want to report to Dr. File Cabinet Instead of a Grandfather Clock in her Living Room Pearl that there is no need to flunk out and suspend an honor student for academic dirty pool, you gotta lay low behind the hydrangea plant and ensure academia is on the level. No more hot SAT booklets sold over the border for drugs and cash. Milford High School has an image to protect.

And once this scenario FINALLY lays to rest, there’ll be Gil at the ball park with his Milford jacket and cap on. Like he’s been sitting in the dugout for days, waiting for the cameras to roll. Then he’ll recite all the players he has coming back. Thank God this strip is alloted 3 panels. We’d be subjected to a listing of the players strengths and weakness, plus who can line the field when he isn’t pitching on a piece of paper he obtained from a Snickers wrapper that was in the trash can that Luhm failed to dump thoroughly. Mimi does the same thing but she usually buys steno pads to bore us to tears.

We still have to get through Chris and Alexa and based upon the streak that seems to be an omen, baseball or softball won’t start tomorrow. They still have to discuss why that streak always shows up whenever there’s controversy in academics. Never in athletics. When did you EVER see that streak on the gridiron or the basketball court or the badminton arena? 10-team Mudlark Wrestling All-Comers Classic? Nope, the streak won’t appear on the mat.

So we patiently wait for Chris or Alexa to pull the Windex out of his or her pocket while poring over the small stuff relating to academics. All in good time. I hope Gil’s cap doesn’t get wet. You know about this fickle weather in March. Hell on a guy sleeping in the dugout.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Chris Pops The Question In High School Cafeteria!!!!!!!! Sketches Proposal With Bowie Knife On Picnic Table!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J. : ‘This ceremony is happening over my dead body.”

 

“Really, I suggested killing the plot a month ago. Nobody told you?”

 

They dress like The Blob or Siamese Twins

Black as gold

Threaten to eat all and next of kin

They’re so bold

Mimi and Gil better take a spin

Silhouettes never grow old

 

That’s what I’m told

That’s

What

I’m

Told

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Never grow old

 

Oh great. We COULD be stumbling into baseball or softball, depending which one drones on the best for, oh, 4 months, but NOOOOOOO we have to get sidetracked by The Lake House. Yeah, like Keanu Reeves, we’re about 2 years behind on things. Chris ought to be getting the grade he received on his Advanced Chem final from Harvard any day. And Alexa will get the MVP Award after leading UConn to the National Championship in Women’s Basketball. The trophy ought to be delivered to her house by Milford UPS right on schedule. I understand Coach Auriemma mailed her a letter begging her to stay another year. Good forwards are hard to come by. And to think, all this backward history can be traced (pardon the ignoble pun) to Mimi teaching her that grades are like points, nobody’s going to give you free cars or $100 handshakes if neither one is very high. And that’s assuming you’ll even get a scholarship.

 

“…this is the way it should be for lovers

They shouldn’t go it alone, oh no…”

Then with Chris delivering about the lamest confession in quite some time, going by Thorpiverse years, is that Paul McCartney’s “This Never Happened Before” playing over the cafeteria speakers? I’ll know for sure when I see two or more cafeteria ladies start to slow-dance with each other and get all kissy-faced. The Lake House had that effect. We presume this is NOT going to happen between Chris and Alexa. Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock are simply going to negotiate co-Valedictorian terms and leave The Lake House for Marty and Peaches. They put their deposit in 2 years ago, Chris and Alexa better wrap this up.

“Ohhhh, Melba (kiss, kiss) I’m so sorry for saying you stack the Hostess Twinkies on the rack (kiss, kiss) like dirty Holiday Inn towels…”

“And Rayette, I’m sorry (kiss, kiss) if I told you you cook the pork fritters (kiss, kiss) in a bowl of Pennzoil…”

THIS NEVER HAPPENED BEFFFFOOOOORRRREEEE

 

If yore waitin’ for yore high-powered Winschester with sights that could knock a bobby pin offa Gil’s hair that ya ordered 2 years ago frum Milford Guns and Ammo cuz they didn’t have it in stock and yore still waitin’ another 6 months for the plot and the bullets to come ’round so yuz kin do some huntin’ in tha woods behind Gil’s Pure Pork Sausage plant, ya might be a redneck.

 

“…and now I seeeee

This is the way it’s supposed to be…”

 

“Whhheeewwweeee, it’s getting cold. This aluminum bench is Hell to sleep on. Better get another jacket out of the trunk. I hope Mimi stuck that leftover On-Cor Boneless Grilled Steaks in the oven when I come home tomorrow morning. War is Hell.”

 

“…so come to me

Now we can be what we want to be…”

This Paul McCartney Romantic Moment is brought to you the new movie “Bill Nye The Science Guy: Teaching The Periodic Table in Milford High Freshman Chemistry.” What could have been a magical moment and had been the second coming of Keanu and Sandra and thereby salvaged a lackluster basketball season plunged in the salvage itself.

We are forced to whip out our calculators and watch romance morph into a trig table. Not that I, or anyone else for that matter, was really expecting Chris and Alexa to kissy-face like the cafeteria ladies, er, Keanu and Sandra. If it WERE to occur, Keanu and Sandra would have to detour to MIT.

“And if you use standard deviation, you’ll find my love for you isn’t wavering all that much. It was never in Ms. Rizk’s typewriter having no life…”

“Oh, Keanu, the fact that we are just points from each other, well, like Springsteen

“Two hearts are better than one

Two hearts, girl, get the job done”

“Atta way to use the FOIL method on our relationship, Sandra. We’ll be trinomials by the time baseball gets around. We’ll have little polynomials running around The Lake House”

“The stork ought to be delivering our polynomials anytime. Remember that time when we learning natural logs together two years ago?”

 

The scriptwriter for The Lake House that graduated from Rose-Hulman got fired. He’s now writing Trigonometry Today textbooks for the Valley Conference High Schools.

 

Lumped like coal and having no name

Anonymous

Walking in stride, the gait’s the same

Synchronous

Makes a tarantula look tame

In the woods, they’d be wild game

Seeking to maim

 

Seeking

To

Maim

 

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

Silhouettes

SILHOUETTES

They all look the same

 

ALL

LOOK

THE

SAME

 

And under the category of Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, that thing on the wall in the cafeteria in P3 can simply be nothing other than a heating unit. We gotta keep The Blob alive somehow. Keep that damn thing under a heat lamp if you want it to terrorize the city of Milford when the dismissal bell rings. DON’T leave it out in the dugout with Gil waiting for the baseball plot to start. The Blob could turn into The Flop by the time we get to Memorial Day.

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Karen Ferguson-Dayes, the Women’s Soccer Coach for University of Louisville. She was a multiple All-All-American for University of Connecticut back in the early ’90’s as a sweeper and a midfielder. She eventually wound up in the current position just mentioned. Her no-nonsense style has enabled the Cardinals to participate in several NCAA post-season runs, and some deep runs at that. I remember when a reporter asked how she was going to prepare for a major opponent and she, knowing there was ANOTHER opponent to play before that, reminded the reporter “Excuse me, we play THIS team FIRST!!!!!!” Don’t overlook ANY opponent. Spoken like a true coach. Then, one night, playing a team that was employing dirty tactics, she still insisted that her team still stick with the Game Plan. How you play the game, win, lose, or draw. Starting out 1-18, her 182-162 record at Louisville speaks for itself. Join me in saluting a person who keeps competing and has won that way, on and off the field.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Marty Moon if finds his manhood under the bunk bed at Mudlark Lake Resort while Peaches heads to the fridge for a Yoplait after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

At The Lake House

“…I met you and now I see

This is the way it should be…”

 

“Ohhhhhh, that is so romantic. The Beatles sure know how to get a girl going. They don’t make ’em like they used to.”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Go away, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!!!!”

“But Honey, weren’t we going for a midnight swim? I’m kinda horny and I’d LOVE for you to do a cannonball on meeeeeee!!!!!!!”

“I called Keanu Reeves and he said there’s still sharks swimming around when he was rentin’ it. I ain’t gonna have my Significant Other bitten off by Jaws.”

“Darling, it’s a freshwater lake.”

“Bloopie, bloopie, it’s got all kind of algae in it. That causes my Significant Other to attract scum. I don’t want to go skinny-dipping with a green weenie. What would the neighbors think? Plus, it breeds that Coronavirus they’re talking about in the news. The boogeyman or the Algae from Hell won’t come in here. I got the bathroom dead-bolted.”

Heard somewhere from the septic tank outside

“…So jump on me

This is the way love’s supposed to be…”

“Honey, you can’t quarantine yourself just because pond scum breeds a little out of control. You can jump on me out in the middle of the lake. We’ll have life preservers and you can jump off the raft and take on me.”

“No way, Mrs. Shaw!!!!!!!! I microwaved my toothbrush and made sure I spit out thoroughly when I spit out my Colgate. That Coronavirus will go down the drain faster than stink beating the virus on shit.”

“How are you going to eat?”

“I bought a lot of Rice-a-Roni and stuck it under the bathroom sink. I can use the sink to boil water. I’ll have the 4-Cheese Rice-a-Roni tonight. No Coronavirus will get past these doors and land on my bill of fare.”

“If you can’t land on me because Coronavirus has landed on your Significant Other, let me know.”

 

“She had me there. And we were paying good money to rent out The Lake House and not doing any more than Captain Kangaroo would do with Mr. Moose. With treatment programs that work, don’t YOU want to hear Paul McCartney in the background while gettin’ it on in the lake? No wonder why they call it The Lake House. House of Fun to me. Come down to the Milford Men’s Clinic and jump on in, the water’s fine.”

 

Get after it, Gang. You are the world to me. Just be careful, The Blob was last seen in your neck of the woods.

 

“…this is the way it should be for lovers

They shouldn’t go it alone, oh no…”

 

Gil entering Dr. Pearl’s office

 

“I just received Schuring’s 4th-grade test scores and there was no indication of foul play, he’s good for Stanford and-er, what are you doing hugging your coat rack?”

 

“…It’s not so good when you’re on your own

(Kissy, Kissy, Kissy)

So come to me…”

 

“And Harrieta, I’m sorry if I said you mop with Pine-Sol and Tequila Sunrise.”

 

March 23, 2020

Alexa? Alexa! Call Me!

Filed under: Brown Hair, huge earrings, Peering Over Eyeglasses, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 6:04 am

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There are lots of things that are driving us nuts these day, like for instance a global pandemic and all the mitigation strategies that will keep us severely confined. Some might say these conditions are the precise reason why we all need to chill the fuck out and not sweat the small stuff. But what about us in the comics blogging and commenting commenting community? Sweating the small stuff is what gives us a comfort and respite from the frightening realities of the real world. So in that spirit, let’s really sweat the small stuff!

First off, have we ever been given any indication of who has the lead in this valedictorian “competition”? I assume it’s mostly GPA driven.* It’s not that I’m asking this strip to detail whatever points system might be in place at MHS, it’s just that some character could actually say “Chris Schuring has a higher GPA” or whatever so that this meeting with the counselor could actually make sense and not just seem like just a cryptic hand touching and glasses lowering ceremony.

Based on today’s strip, I think we’re supposed to conclude that Chris Schuring has the lead and is offering to share the glory with Alexa Watson. This is the pretext for another confrontation even though the academic year is not over. If these two were so close in standing, you would think that the outcome would still be up in the air and our brown haired counselor even says as much! But let’s not let reason stand in the way of manufactured drama. Unless these two are going to toss social distancing to the wind and bone already!

Am I really “shipping” Alexa and Chris (Chralexa? Alexris)? Only for humor. Do I really think social distancing or any aspect of what’s happening in “the real world” will show up in Gil Thorp? No, it’s the 1950s with cell phones in Milford and they’re still concerned about the polio virus being spread in public pools.

*If I really strain hard, I can remember a little bit of drama in my high school about who would be valedictorian. I can’t remember who actually received the honor, but I do remember a handful of people who were in the running and a few of them were very Type A about it. There was even some mild shit talking which, even then, I found really annoying.  In that last semester of senior year, I was accepted into college and really wanted to get the fuck out of there.

March 21, 2020

The Bad Touch

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What is it about Alexa Watson that makes Milford High female faculty and staff want to touch her? First it was Mimi smacking her backside in practice; now it’s brown haired guidance counselor type lady making goo goo eyes while reaching in to caress the back of Alexa’s (much larger) hand. Is this her way of helping Alexa land her coveted valedictory prize? Not sure what’s odder: that Alexa appears to lack nail beds, or that Rubin finds all this touching of students appropriate in this day and age. (That’d be true even given these strips were submitted to the syndicate well in advance. Too soon for jokes on our current situation, and the toilet paper memes ceased being funny after about the 450th one.)

On to our usual underwhelming little Saturday cliffhanger. This is gonna end up like that old Warner Brothers cartoon The Dover Boys at Pimento University where the goofy running gag background character ends up with the girl, isn’t it? Phoebe will be your valedictorian without ever having to go upside anyone’s noggin.

 

March 14, 2020

“Mimi and I washed our hands. Here, Alexa, smell ’em.”

gt03142020

Well, rob went there yesterday. I was beginning to wonder how long we at TWIM could go without making mention of the current global crisis, one that could end up making the crisis that gave us the Padillas story arc a couple of seasons ago look relatively minor in comparison.

As I write a good many of us may be working from home, either by choice or by force. Some of us may already have been working from home, but travel restrictions may be keeping us from visiting our clients or customers. Rob works for the USPS, so I doubt working from home is an option for him. (Be careful out there, rob.) Some of us may see our work cut back or lost entirely. Too soon to tell.

Less than a month ago I was planning on playing hooky taking the day off from work and going into DC to see something no one has seen in ninety-five years: a major league baseball team that calls Washington home raise a world championship banner. Then the Nats announced they wouldn’t be selling single game tickets for Opening Day, that the tix would only be available as part of a season ticket plan or partial plan. (Ah yes, the sweet smell of success.) Okay, whatevs, I’ll hit StubHub. It might be another ninety-five years before it happens again.

In the words of Gilda Radner’s Emily Litella, “Never mind.” MLB cancelled the rest of spring training and postponed the start of the season by at least two weeks. The NBA, NHL, MLS, and Premier League have suspended their seasons; the XFL (look it up) canceled its season outright. The Masters, PGA and LPGA tours, and most motorsports events have been postponed. The NCAA has cancelled all remaining winter and spring sports championships; any March Madness we see will not be on a basketball court.

Where I live the schools have been closed for at least the next two weeks. The SATs scheduled for today have been postponed. High school sports have been cancelled for the remainder of the academic year, including the basketball playoffs. I guess it’s a good thing Rubin and Whigham have helped prepare us for our immediate sports-free future by turning away from sports to a few weeks of he-said, she-said about academic cheating.

Just wait until the spring story arcs start in a week or two. They’ll make the Thorpiverse look even more like a fantasy land than it already does. Stay safe, TWIMers.

Update (5:25pm EDT): In all the gloom and doom I forgot to wish you all a happy Pi Day. I took time out of my day to bake a pie – an old school Florida favorite, sour orange pie. Here’s a pic so that you may enjoy vicariously. My meringue styling skills could be better.

orangepie

March 12, 2020

You Might Check Mr. Drysdale’s Bank Vault. Sometimes AP Exams Get Mixed Up With The Clampett’s Deposits.

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, huge earrings, Prairie Style Windows, Recycled art — tdrewhardin @ 1:40 am

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Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named Chris

Poor schmuck got sidetracked by a bucket full of piss

Maybe one day Gil will get to the truth

Gil’s tactics shape so badly too short of the tooth

 

4.0 student, Gil

Unsubstantiated claims

Easter Island head

 

Will somebody please wake up Gil and apprise him that if he’s going to be out of the office like he’s been the last several weeks, that he just can’t pop back in and start a witch hunt on evidence that is as shaky as Dr. Pearl’s skin medication? Boy, if they gotta apply the truth to her face, it might not cover all the wrinkles. You might apply Pond’s Medicated Cream to Teddy Blue’s Hair. It’ll still look ugly, but wow, the Mohawk sparkles and shines. Granny Clampett and Clearasil, I’m layin’ my money on that venture before Gil gets his bell rung and stops giving credibilty to the warts on Teddy’s head. Can’t use Oxy 5 on a Mohawk, the way I understand it.

We might as well employ the services of Jed Clampett. Go out in that buggy of his and take his shotgun with him. I wouldn’t want to be in Teddy’s shoes now. I wouldn’t want a man pulling up in my driveway in a contraption meant for coon-hunting and oil well-discovering, some old lady who’s following him carrying a jar full of Bucket Possum Gizzards.

“Well, no, Mr. DeMarco, that’s whut I came fer, ta git ta the bottom uv this. Now if ya say that he wuz swimmin’ in our hole in the back afore thuh gators came out fer feeedin’ time, I believe ya. I reckon I kin reason with ol’ Chris over it.”

“Ye-ahh, an’ ya tell ‘um that if he jumps in that hole agin, I’ll set thuh trap and he’ll be lunch fer them gators.”

“Now, Granny, simmer down. We ain’t gonna make Chris a sacri-fish-ull lamb. We’ll wait until he takes the exam, then we’ll spring the gators on him. Ol’ Jethro’s one uv thuh proctors and he kin slip the gators past security.”

“I still think if yuh tote one of them gators ta Gil’s office, ya might scare the tarnation out of both of ’em. Then they both might be honest fer once.”

“I dunno, Granny. Ya might have better luck gittin’ Jethro ta show up at his weddin’ than ol’ Gil showin’ up at his position, ‘specially when the truth’s at stake. Reckon ya might throw another one ’em T-bone slabs at the gators fer good meassure.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Denies Any Affairs With Granny, Says Relationship Is On The Up And Up!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Nowhere near common-law. I just ate some sauteed toad legs and taters at her table one night, that’s all.”

 

You gotta be kidding me, Thorp. Yes, it IS serious but NO, it isn’t Chris you need to speak with. Someone needs to use a gator trap on your Rock ’em Sock ’em head and squeeze the truth out of you.

Earth to Gil. As the readers have accurately pointed out WHERE DID TEDDY GET THOSE TESTS????? That’s the first thing you need to be asking before you drag an Honor student in your office and ask him the equivalent of whether he ever settled on his overdue parking fines. Yeah, you should pay them eventually but if some jackass is ridin’ the streets of Milford in his Harley at 80MPH in a School Zone, there’s no sense in takin’ Chris to the station when Teddy is using Milford for the Indianapolis 500. It’s the spectacle of racing, all right, and I’m not referring to the city. I bet you might find out that Teddy doesn’t have a license to ride that thing. Probably got his registration out of the Milford Pawn Shoppe. Y’know, the BOGO scenario. No wonder why Teddy was able to get that and a grocery sack full of AP exams.

 

“Can I see your driver’s license and registration, Mr. Clampett?”

“Weeeellll, dogie, Officer, I think my registration is buried under ’em PSAT’s in the glove box. Would ya settle fer my driver’s license and Barron’s Guide to the Hunting Laws Exam?”

 

Well, the first thing ya know, ol’ Chris is in the soup

Gil Thorp said, Chris, wipe your shoes of poop

He said, Harvard Law School is the place ya oughta be

So Chris got out of Milford and dumped this travesty

 

Or Yale, Gil

Good students

Teddy in the bottom of a Beverly Hills pool

 

“Weeeeeellllll, dogie, Granny, I didn’t knows ya wuz the princ’pal of Milferd High. A student done told us when me and Elly May wuz cleanin’ the girls gym of skeeters and lice. Did Gil do the hirin’ ‘n’ firin’?”

P2 is about the only thing I agree with in this commedia dell’arte and none of it is spoken. His shooting form is on-point, having worked with kids on their shooting and humbly claiming some success after a few of those kids made the team somewhere. They took the wins, I took the losses.

That said, ORAL commentary is a joke and leading absolutely nowhere. Changes in attitude, changes in latidude, we couldn’t play, we would just go insane. What’s sad is that somebody will have the utter nerve to ask why Chris didn’t turn in the contraband to Granny Pearl rather than be taken out of the incinerator at Milford Waste Management. Thorp and Granny, if you aren’t smart enough to quit giving credence to a class clown who is more clown than class, ain’t no way I’m steppin’ in the fire and gettin’ that char-broiled SAT test and clearin’ my name. Flame-broiled burgers taste better when the cook grills them without adding Chiquita banana peels.

I remember when Will McDonough, a well-respected journalist, still employed dubious reasoning on NFL Today on CBS with Brent Musburger and Terry Bradshaw when McDonough reported that one NFL team complained that another NFL team was spying on their practices and thus crying foul. Bradshaw blitzed McDonough and rightfully so when he answered “Will, if you see a couple of idiots in the stands with binoculars and taking notes and you’re not smart enough to run ’em off, WHY BRING IT UP?????”

Gil and Granny, if you don’t run off a class clown wannabe, knowing his record, WHY BRING IT UP????? He didn’t even use binoculars. Granny, I assume you checked the file cabinet on the dude’s record. Bettin’ that’s thicker than your Anti-Aging medication in your purse.

“Don’t try to hoodwink me, Jethro. I run a venerable institution. If Miss Hathaway said she saw Chris walking out with a stack of 100’s, then I believe her. He can’t just walk out and bank those in the Nerfhoop. That’s what a Nerfball is for.”

“Now hold on, Mr. Drysdale. I knows Chris. If I thought he wuz a dishonorable man, I wouldn’t a taken him ta go fishin’ down at the creek. I counted all my worms and I had all my ducks in a row when I wuz loadin’ the bait.”

“Nonsense. You better watch your fishing equipment. If I can’t trust him with crickets, by God, I surely can’t trust him when he’s checking on his IRA account at the teller window.”

“Ya mean, that one at the end of the counter? Shut my mouth, she’s cuter ‘n’ a bug’s ear. I’ll take ‘er on a fly-fishin’ outing at Mudlark Lake anytime. I reckon I’ll catch more than fish.”

 

If yore huntin’ license is en-dang-urred cuz ya hunted 1,243 snipe and the bag limit wuz 1,242, not countin’ the tare from all the millworms in the bag, ya might be a redneck.

 

“We need to get to the bottom of this. His reputation and his future is at stake. I would hate for his good name to be tarnished over a student who failed to exhibit proper foresight. Look into this incident and report back to me tomorrow.”

“Right away, Dr. Pearl. Is there anything else about Gil you want me to find out? I heard he was pulled over at The Bucket Drive-In area for a DUI. Too many Bucket Creme de Menthe’s in the Bucket Shake.”

“No, Ms. Rizk, that won’t be necessary. Obtaining that receipt Theodore dropped by the Milford School Bookstore is crucial. We need to confirm that Gil wasn’t using fake test booklets on the PE volleyball exam. That is was a plant by Theodore.”

“Said and done, Dr. Pearl.”

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Pat Summitt, who coached the University of Tennessee’s Women’s Basketball program for 38 years. A hard-nosed, no-nonsense individual, she became the first U. S. Olympian to win a medal as a player and a coach (Silver in 1976-player, Gold in 1984-coach) . Her teams won 8 National Championships under her guidance, including an undefeated season in 1998. She was listed in the Sporting News as the 11th-best coach of all time on the 50-Best Coaches List (MLB, NHL, NFL, NBA, College Football, College Basketball) . She is 2nd all-time in wins, 1098, behind Mike Krzyzewski at Duke. Plus all of her players graduated, many with honors. And 25 people came out of her program to be head or assistant coaches in other programs. Please join me in saluting a great coach who won big while touching the lives of many.

 

“Weeeeeellllll, dogie, Granny, nuthin’ like a room with a view. And that tree is probably older than you are. I used ta go huntin’ by these here woods and my bloodhounds would tree more squirrels up that sorry excuse fer a poplar than Dr. Pearl had wrinkles.”

“Eeeeeeeeeeee, just wishin’ they’d quit comin’ in here when I’m ironin’. I gotta still work on Elly May’s calico dress. I’ll get the facts about Ol’ Chrissy later. Personally, I’d tan his hide fer cheatin’ but I still gotta listen to the judge.”

“I understand the judge went down ta Milford Lounge with Mimi ta sing kar-ee-okee. They wuz singin’ ‘My Endless Love’.”

“If they don’t sing any better ‘n’ Lionel Richie, don’t be afraid ta use yer shotgun ta stop the comp-a-tish-shun.”

“I reckon I won’t need ta be so drastic. Granny, here’s more grease I picked up from under m’ buggy. It’ll git that wart off yer nose plain as Kaz in a panel.”

 

“We’ll be back for the conclusion of ‘The Mudlark Hillbillies’ after this.”

 

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“My name is Thomaston W. Snipe III and I was all set to passing the bar after graduating Summa Cum Laude at Milford Community College School of Law. But the proctors got the tests mixed up and I didn’t know I was taking the Final Exam of Milford Culinary Academy until I got to the section on Oven Pre-Heating Procedures. It took me 3 months before I could get a job as a lawyer. I had my foot lopped off sleeping on the Milford & Oakwood rail line while I was waiting for the officials to correct a most grievoud error. Then a student of Emeril said he had burned his fingers frying Shake and Bake Pork Fritters. He got a hefty settlement and told me to call The Shark.”

 

“Don’t that beat all. Tripe III was in a world of hurt getting torts mixed up with tortes. I showed him that one of them you didn’t leave on the stove nor use Pam to bake in the pan with it. Neglect and forgetting to set the timer while the Rice-a-Roni Spanish Rice boiled in overtime caused my client to lose his leg. We fought the insurance company and made sure that Milford Culinary Academy paid my client what he deserved.”

“I got $6,000,000,000,000,001 for the trouble. The Shark took a dollar out to pay for the pop out of the machine. I am not only now a practicing lawyer, I also learned how to boil water before you throw the eggs into scramble. That Culinary Academy book that Teddy stuck in my briefcase was a treasure trove of information. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard the man. Call Sharkey Law Offices at 1-FON-THE-JAWS today and get your own slice of the pie. You don’t need Kenner Easy Oven to get the money you deserve. One call, that’s all.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. And I’ll be back to talk with you some more after I finish that second helping of Bucket Possum Gizzards

 

Well, now it’s time to say goodbye and send this on its way

The facts will never rise to live another day

We hope you folks don’t come next week to this locality

To have a heavin’ helpin’ of this railroadin’ jamboree

 

Failed intentions

Lost grip on reality

Don’t come back, Gil, ya hear?

 

“Chief, really, Chris is an honorable young man. I just don’t think he would jeopardize his potential over a few simoleons.”

“I won’t hear of it, Miss Hathaway. That boy will go to Milford Maximum or this bank will suffer. What will my stockholders think?”

“Now, hold on, Mr. Drysdale. Chris ain’t sich a bad kid. Just cuz he got no direction frum Gil don’t mean ya gotta punish him with th’ whip. She’s got a point. I saw ol’ Chris help a skunk up that ugly tree behind Dr. Pearl’s office. Cougar ’bout ate ’em both alive. Chris shewed a picher uv Gil’s hair and ya shoulda that beast go flyin’.”

March 11, 2020

Weird Science

gt03112020

Well there you are and here I am. Get out your crayons and your pencils and start connecting these dots. Somewhere between Chris pouncing on that old test copy and shooting it into the library wastebasket, Kaz playing “smell my fingers” and Gil confronting Chris, Mr. Rollins went to Gil with Teddy Boy’s story and basically accused Chris of cheating.

Why didn’t Rollins confront Chris directly? Oh yeah, because Milford High is Gil’s world and everyone else just lives in it. It would also be tantamount to an admission by Rollins that he gives the same midterm every year. Lazy, for sure, but is Rollins just following the coaches’ lead in that regard?

Faux cliffhanger in P3. We’re led to believe Chris is lying, but he’ll likely tell Gil that Teddy gave him a copy of a test but told him it was a copy of last year’s test and why would he want last year’s test ’cause teachers aren’t so lazy as to give the same test every year, amirite?

Now get yourself some ’80s. Thirty-five years ago. Jeez.

March 9, 2020

Messed Up

03092020

Teddy DeMarco’s latest plan in the Messing With Schuring campaign is revealed. He tells Mr. Rollins that he gave last years AP Chemistry midterm to Chris Schuring. How can this fail? Mr. Rollins will surely take Teddy’s word for it and punish Chris. Or…

He’ll go to Gil with this because that’s what you do when one of you students is a MHS student athlete. You take it to Gil. Gil will get to the bottom of this. Don’t let it trouble you, Mr. Rollins.

We don’t know everything that happened. Maybe Mr. Rollins had a talk with Chris too, but the strip makes it seem like he dumped this on Gil and went back to drinking coffee. Then Gil is talking to Teddy, suggesting that he is investigating. Gil sure has his hands full. I don’t know how he keeps up with his workload. After talking to Teddy, he’s gonna have to talk to Alexa and Phoebe. He’ll eventually have to talk to Chris. None of these interviews can really establish academic dishonesty, so Mr. Rollins is not off the hook yet.

Historical fact: My AP Chemistry teacher was Mr. Haggbloom.  I think there were no more than ten students. Most of us had no idea what was going on. I don’t recall any basketball players in that class.

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