This Week in Milford

October 25, 2021

Well, Since You Scored That Nifty Pen Light

Filed under: Milford Idiots, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 6:04 am

That’s right, Right Guard Tommy Serrano is NOT ready to move along. He wants to get into the hypnotism action since YouTube certified hypnotherapist Boyd Spiller has a penlight and no waiting. He using one of Gil Thorp’s (the comic strip) four thousand remaining time outs the prolong this digression. It’s is a digression, right? There won’t really be a payoff to this silly exercise, will there? Wait, did I just see a turkey?

Right Guard Tommy Serrano is willing to take a seat in the hypnochair because he’s been having confusion about his blocking assignment. Hmm, I wonder what formations Gil runs his Wing T out of and if any of them would be compatible with a jet sweep. I’m not going to opine about it because I will probably make a fool of myself since I lack the football strategy acumen of say, your Heather Burns type. Maybe she will tweet about it to help explain it or maybe she’ll tweet about Boyd and Tevin doing the funky chicken in the huddle after Boyd Spiller’s hypnotism goes horribly wrong.

September 25, 2021

Where Were You the Day The Bucket Got Its Liquor License?

teenchy here. Dunno where robmize is. I’ve got a busy afternoon and evening ahead of me so I’m not gonna wait any longer and put up a double post. I’ll be traveling next weekend so hopefully rob, or Ned, or tdrew can cover for me then. Heck, maybe even timbuys could pop back in for a cameo. (Tim, you out there bud? Miss you here in the rotation.) Anyhoo, on with the show.

September 24, 2021

No clue who Chance’s blocker Gordon Achebe is IRL (any relation to the famed author of Things Fall Apart?) but Kimberly Gordon-Achebe is Program Director of the University of Maryland Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Fellowship and consultant of the Programs for Assertive Community Treatment (PACT)-child division.  There was a Gordon Achebe on the team last year, but he looked a little different back then. This year’s Gordon isn’t about picking sides in a QB controversy but more about covering for his triple-threat backfield teammate, Chance Macy.

Chance has been around since 2019 so we really shouldn’t be learning much of anything new about him. He lives with his grandparents; his parents haven’t been in the picture and he doesn’t hold them in high regard. He has (or at least had) anger management issues. He got plenty of exposition during that season while Chet Ballard tried to smear him to win his stepson some playing time and his love.

Heather was in Iowa while all this was happening, so it’s news to her. Maybe she should take that superfluous finger off her temple and use it to Google some of Marjie’s old articles from the past two seasons before she decides it’s news for Star readers. Off to The Bucket for postgame festivities…

September 25, 2021

… and a surprise appearance from Kianna Bello, who apparently had back-to-back sports practices but got to catch the Mudlark football game. Guessing volleyball practice came first; there’s no way Mimi would schedule an event that conflicted with Gil’s! No, Mudlark sports reign supreme, and Mudlark football reigns the supremest. It doesn’t take an Alexa Watson to figure out that Kianna will be dropping gymnastics quicker than you can say “I’ll take my Bucket Daiquiri in a go-cup, please and thank you.”

Passed out face-down in a booth isn’t a good look on a star athlete. Either learn to hold your liquor or stop burning the candle at both ends. All that’s missing from this amusing scene is a puddle of drool coming from Kianna’s mouth.

September 15, 2021

This Is Not a Fire Drill

Let’s suspend disbelief about Chance Macy’s office mail call for a moment and turn our suspension of disbelief elsewhere. The traditional season-opening Mudlark Bonfire® is ready to blaze, but not without some very strange details, most of which come via Whigham’s pen.

That flat-nosed dump truck – possibly a ’70s-era International Harvester Loadstar – looks like it was overloaded with logs, kinda like those Benz trucks in the Middle East that get overloaded with people and cargo. Must’ve been pretty pricey what with the recent spike in lumber prices. How is the school gonna pay for it? By cutting back on lawn services after the bonfire destroys the grass?

Smash cut to the hallways of Milford High and Tevin talking to, um, Kianna? She’s the only girl he’s talked to all season thus far, unless you count the Greek chorus who watched Kianna blow him off a few days ago. How tall is she supposed to be anyway? She was tall enough to stare into the window of Tevin’s mom’s SUV at the gymnastics car wash a couple of weeks ago. She must have a magic shrink ray to shrink down for gymnastics and get tall for volleyball. Or something.

Finally the bonfire’s raging and someone’s calling for that old International to be replaced with a Ford! Meanwhile Tevin’s calling for Chance Macy to give the crowd a pep talk. Chance is trying to make a polite refusal since the heat from the bonfire has his hair dye running down his face Rudy Giuliani style. Let’s see if this or his firewalking exercise are enough to get him blowtop mad.

September 9, 2021

T, Boned

teenchy here pulling emergency backup duty for tdrew. Trying to squeeze this into a full work day so will be brief.

Looks like the Claxtons might be more than just “a two-boring-silver-SUV family.” What’s this purple thing with a trunk that Tevin’s dropping his backpack into? Couldn’t be Doug Guthrie’s bitchin’ ’66 Goat, could it? Can it help him compete with volleyball and gymnastics for Kianna’s attention? Doesn’t look that way.

No clue who the Greek chorus are or what benefit they bring to the strip. Maybe they’re volleyball teammates of Kianna’s making excuses for her behavior. Maybe they’ll earn names before this arc is over.

Time will tell whether it’s male attention or a lack of bandwidth to maintain her skillsets that makes Kianna drop one or the other of her athletic pursuits. Either way, the decision is sure to be made off-panel and told to the readers in the past tense.

Sorry to be so terse. teenchy out.

August 12, 2021

Are U Experienced (At Sitting On Furniture)?

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Heather Burns, Marjie Ducey, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 3:17 am

Aw, just when we were getting Titleist-deep in the MCC/Carter Hendricks wagering saga, we have to cut away to the other plot element, Heather burns seeking employment.

At the Milford Star, Dale and Marjie have a quick chat at the coffee urn about the impressive Heather Burns. It kinda sounded like Heather had a good chance at this plum, entry level print media job, but maybe I read sweaty Marjie the wrong way when she previously spoke to Heather. Yeah, Dale. She lacks experience, but do you have a long line of seasoned journalists beating a path to your door, itching to cover Milford Library Board meetings? Are you prepared to offer an attractive salary to lure proven talent away from bigger media markets? I don’t think so Dale. Now be careful with that coffee. You’re splashing it all over and your mom doesn’t work here so you need to clean up after yourself (and don’t you dare leave that mess for Marjie or there will be hell to pay!)

In the meantime, impressive Heather Burns discovers something on her laptop. Is it a groupon for half off subs at the Sub Standard? a pop-up ad for the Chunky Bracelet Emporium? an email with an incredible job offer from an industrial solvent firm? a dick pic from Cart Hendricks? I guess we’ll find out.

Hey Heather, are you experienced?

July 7, 2021

You’ve Got Other Things to Jab, IYKWIM

Looks like Paul Muench wasn’t long enough, if you know what I mean.

More like Zane Clark came up a little short, if you know what I mean.

I think Katy Brito’s ready for him to jab her capulets anyway, if you know what I mean.

But if Zane wins the Library Board position, he’ll have to sharpen his own pencil, if you know what I mean.

But if Katy’s dad wins the Library Board position, Zane won’t be logging on, if you know what I mean.

Either way, Zane will become a two-time loser in one day, if you know what I mean.

Not if Gil’s bribe pays off, if you know what I mean.

Twenty-nine years is a long time to be eating pie, if you know what I mean.

Betcha that old codger won’t be eating pie on the Library Board anymore, if you know what I mean.

Too bad Zane won’t be needing to use the library once his senior year’s over, if you know what I mean.

Too bad Gil didn’t grease the skids for Zane to get into college like Mimi did for that Corina kid, if you know what I mean.

Maybe Zane should have run for library janitor, if you know what I mean.

[long, drawn-out pause]

Say, that stairway at Milford High looks like it was designed by M.C. Escher, if you know what I mean.

July 5, 2021

Like A Tragedy

Katy and Zane are still riffing on this Romeo and Juliet nonsense? Sheathe your weapon Katy, Chief Lind expressly hath forbidden bandying in Milford streets. Did we really have to check in with these star crossed idiots again for a single panel accounting for half the tags on this post. Katy has all the chunky accoutrements and is posing in front of a prairie style window. It’s enough to make you plotz.

There’s more baseball to be played. Oh joy. Marty has to drag the crate out in the summer heat and document Zane Romeo Clark’s exploits on the mound. He’s probably sitting on a cooler full of iced cold Schlitz.

Round about the time Marty is cracking open his tenth beer, Valley Tech gets on the board and we watch a relay throw coming in from the outfield. Yawn. Is there any of that pie left?

Scott Kempner of The Dictators and The Del Lords, take it away:

July 3, 2021

Plot Pacing Is Hard, Too

I realize the Allen Funt/Candid Camera references are my colleague T. Drew’s thing but between yesterday’s and today’s strips I’m left wondering whether Kaz has been playing the long game by goading Gil into meddling with aspects of Milford society that are outside his wheelhouse until he finally gets himself caught in a trap he can’t walk out of. Swaying Allen Funt’s vote on the Library Board by bribing him with pie* doesn’t rise to Abscam levels but it’s a slippery slope from there to sexual favors for invitations to the Milford CC. Then Kaz will have sprung the trap that leads to him getting named Head Coach of all Milford boys’ sportsball teams and athletic director. No more moonlighting as a bouncer and mooching off Kelly Krystek for him then, nosireebob.

Just what kind of skids are being greased here, anyway? Have the codgers on the Library Board realized there’s no logical way they could let the Clark kid have the seat, no matter how strong his arguments are for preserving the status quo? Aren’t there enough of them already on the board to shoot down every Brito proposal and make him look like a jerk – which is SOP for him, anyway – in the process? And, as so many of you gentle readers have commented over the past several weeks, why couldn’t these decisions have been made almost immediately after Zane’s and Abel’s presentations before the board?

Because Rubin doesn’t know how to wrap a story arc up neatly anymore, that’s why. Corina’s college predestination could’ve been wrapped up last weekend and this nonsense the weekend before that, freeing Neal and the Chief to dive into some summer hijinks featuring a Milford alum and some non-revenue sport.

*Have you noticed how easily people in the Thorpiverse are swayed by free food? From Corina Karenna and the other Valley Mod kids last spring to this Allen Funt/Ed Asner lookalike, the offer of eats gets folks in the Valley to do one’s bidding cheap.

late-breaking metapost: Apparently American pies, like so many other things in America, are in crisis; according to this Washington Post editorial, store-bought pie crusts are to blame. I will own up to having used them, including for my start-of-the-pandemic sour orange pie, but I will not own up to having caused America to lose its way.

In any event, I encourage you to read the linked WaPo editorial (which showed up in my feed after the box score to yet another Nats loss, but also owes a tip of the hat to faithful TWIMer vaganova). You’ll learn much about the history of pie and its influence on American culture and probably be more entertained than by reading a week’s worth of Gil Thorp strips. It may even influence you to bake a pie to honor our country’s independence.

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