This Week in Milford

October 20, 2018

Let’s Hope Gil Doesn’t Bring In Social Services Again

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We’ve been down this road before, a little over a year and a half ago to be exact. Nosy classmates stick their noses where they don’t belong, Gil gets wind and the next thing you know another Milford High kid’s getting his family busted up like…uh, well, another family that got busted up.  And what’s up with Andre and Movie Boy Weird Joe Bolek getting so chummy so quickly? (I thought Andre’s first word balloon had an extraneous comma.) Are they gonna turn into this year’s Ken Brown and Mike Granger?

Why should Gil know about Tiki’s excessive tardiness? Is there some unwritten rule that Milford athletes who are chronically late to school get kicked off the team, or suspended for the first half against a cupcake non-conference opponent, or something?  Gil suspended Barry Bader for getting ejected but made him travel with the team; maybe there’s some similar obscure punishment in Tiki’s future. (Sorry, I left this sentence unfinished last night.)

Stranger things have happened, so if this ends with a GoFundMe to replace Tiki’s beater Plymouth with something newer so he can get his sister to school on time, then I’m cool with it. Sorry to keep y’all waiting on today’s post.

 

 

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October 3, 2018

I came here to snark on bad coaching, not to become a cineaste!

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Kaz and Joe stood there and looked at each other in silence for five minutes?  That settles it: Kaz is not salaried faculty or staff but hourly contingent labor. In any universe even remotely based in reality a coach might have given a student 5 seconds – okay, 10 seconds if we’re being generous – to answer before telling them to get out of their office the hallway and go to their next period class, or catch a school bus, or whatever.

As with The Legend of Bagger Vance, I’m not going to rehash the plot of Rififi here. The Wikipedia entry for the film states that “[a]fter he was blacklisted from Hollywood, [Director Jules] Dassin found work in France where he was asked to direct Rififi. Despite his distaste for parts of the original novel, Dassin agreed to direct the film. He shot Rififi while working with a low budget, without a star cast, and with the production staff working for low wages.” Low budget? No stars? Staff working for low wages? We could be talking about the Mudlark football team and its coaching staff.

I’d be okay with the next 28 panels of this strip having no dialogue and just action. You?

 

metapost: Do any of you loyal readers read TWIM on a smartphone?  I compose it on a Dell laptop with AdBlock Plus installed, but usually read comments during the day on an Android phone. Often when I do, I get spammy popup ads telling “Dear Andriod User” that I have won something or other and which I cannot close or navigate away from without closing my browser.  If anyone else is having those problems, please comment (I mean, in addition to any snark) so we can get to the bottom of this. Thanks.

October 2, 2018

Where’s Punter B.?

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I’d like to tell you

Love to tell you

That we’ve got one in the bag

 

But cannot tell you

May not tell you

That Kaz tried but caught a dirty rag

 

And so this storyline drags and drags

Our hopes are dashed and flags and flags

I grab a spitoon and gag and gag

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Would be nice if he’d kick before basketball

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Maybe Kaz gets lucky ‘fore end of Fall

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Margin for error now runs rather small

 

(Ben Folds booming on piano)

Here, Boy,  Hey, Punter

HEY PUNTER, WHERE YOU BEEN?

 

Are we EVER going to talk football or is P3 a tribute to Siskel and Ebert?

“Coach Kaz gives ‘Invasion of Milford on The Planet of the Apes’ a thumbs up while Joe Bolek gives it a thumbs down.”

“I thought Roddy McDowall’s return as Caesar was unconvincing.His conversations with Gil a bit far-fetched.”

“Yes, but Joe, you have to explore the depths of the tete-a-tete that is transpiring. Nobody is saying, certainly I’m not, that an ape talking to a man is an everyday occurrence. But the camaraderie that develops, especially when Coach Thorp treats all the apes to a Bucket Brat ‘n’ Sauerkraut Combo, including a Mudlar-K-Cola of your choice, convinced me that this movie is worth the time, climaxing in Aldo becoming the special teams coach which is pivotal as the Mudlarks sail one through the uprights thanks to a key adjustment by Aldo (“Don’t use your heel to kick, horses do that!!!!!!!!!”) which helps Milford go on to win the game and ease the transition into basketball.”

“I don’t know, Coach Kaz, watching Caesar’s son try to stuff a mouth guard in his embouchure, not to mention how to maneuver the cup properly to protect the family jewels and create more apes to invade Milford left me wanting something more. Much more.”

 

If ya is got yore camouflage all over yore face, shoulders, thorax, abdoman, arms, elbows, wrists, fingers, fingernails, toenails (cuz yore wife took the nail polish when she left to go back to her mother the last time) , thighs, shins, hamstrings, feet, ankles, insteps, and, last but certainly not least, yore gluteus maximus, cuz ya is ready with yore high-powered shotgun that could shoot the ears off an elephant and carry it from the Milford Fish & Wildlife Area to Africa in record time to find a punter ta nail down, ya might be a redneck.

 

And Gene Rayburn is chompin’ at the bit to aid and abet in the cause to crucify Gil on Match Game 2018. Go to it, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE???????) , she thought a punter used his ________________ to kick a field goal.

 

Things are getting pretty serious in Mudlarkland when the Topic of the Day, in this case the need for a punter to keep the strip from facing extinction, its status “Critical” at this point, when Kaz and Gil are in an intimate conversation over Maxwell House and fingers. Guessin’ Milford Donut Solutions was catering at the Fraternal Order of Police Convention at the Milford Expo Center.

And, gang, okay, shoot me (aaaaaaa, better not, I’m a coward) but I’m dippin’ into the good ol’ days when Berrill, sure Gil looked like the third member of the Everly Brothers but liked coaching more than singing (and wasn’t about to stack up against Elvis), at least created Gil with a sense of surefootedness as a result. Berrill made him a beacon in the storm.

NOW he looks like a young Marcus Welby just about to finish up his residency. Heck, his apparel is LOUDLY sending that message. He looks like Eddie Haskell going to Indiana University Medical School. “Nah, Beaver, you dope, don’t grip the forceps on his wiener so TIGHT!!!” Unclear whether he is going to talk about punters or navel hernia surgical procedures. Insert them in your article for the Milford Medical Journal, Dr. Welby, er, Gil, nobody’ll notice. Nobody’s reading about either one at this juncture anyway.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Ben Folds Denies Rumors Alice Childress Interested In Punting Job!!!!”

sub headline

“She just kicked someone in the nuts one time when a jerk tried to come on too strong and grab her upper body. That doesn’t make her a punter!!!!!!!”

 

Shout-out to Daisy’s in New Albany, Indiana. Great food, great service (always quick to pick up your plate when finished) , plus a dinner buffet and a salad buffet and an ice cream fountain (self serve!!!!) AND a drink of your choice for way less than $20, I’d say I’m gettin’ a good deal. Factor in all the good meals from meat loaf to fish to chicken and LOTS of sides at reasonable prices, man, you gotta come on down if you’re in the area.

Gang, you need a place where everybody knows your name, Support small business. They make America great.

 

Interlude

Maybe they will talk about the movie “Bambi”

or something along the lines of “Tora! Tora! Tora!”

 

Sorry, Ben, mighta added an extra syllable on that interlude. Don’t hold it against me, LOVE your music, Big Guy, always have.

 

Tried to warn you

Tried to tell you

That Coach Kaz was out of luck

 

Now they’re talking

And still stalking

For any one who gives a F—

 

They’re plowing this one dead in the mud

They still can’t grasp this one’s a dud

They may as well choose Elmer Fudd

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Gil and Kaz really should check in the files

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Eons with Sanka, might be a while

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Swift solution, that’s not their style

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Last punter missed by a mile

(Ben Folds REALLY booms the pointlessness of this plot, had to throw in an extra $100 just to get him to perform this at this decibel, or at all)

Yo Elmer, Hey, Punter

HEY PUNTER WHERE YOU BEEN?

 

Oh, Leatherdick, you’ve had a hard day at the office. It’s time to have another hard time, this one in bed.”

“That’s LEATHERSTOCKING, Honeye. Just cuz I have been out 2200 miles don’t mean it was all that bad. The Ponye Express ridere gave me a lift along the waye, from KC to Columbus, Ohio.”

“Leatherdick, isn’t that the OTHER waye? I thought they went out weste.”

Understanding what Pepperminte Pattye goes through when Marcie calls PP “Sir”

“The name’s ‘Leatherstocking’!!!!!!!! And the Ponye Express expanded a few routes and a couple of decades.”

“Oh, Leatherdick, the important thing is you are home. Why don’t we make ourselves comfy by the old oaken couch in the living room and cuddle up to a nice warm fire?”

“Ay, forsooth, I still must fix the plumbing in the bathroom. The toilete’s stopped up again.”

“Dear, we have an outhouse.”

Not missing a beat as why Leatherstocking was popularized by Fenimore Cooper

“Yes, but crickets and roaches run rampant around the toilete and it’s hard to flush with all that vermin. And it’s too late in the night to buy any Sani-Flushe at the Milfordshire General Store.”

“It’s also the dead of winter. Not too many mole cricket’s running around the toilet paper dispenser.”

Leatherstocking forgot to bring his Benjamin Rush’s Field Guide to Nature, having left it on the bar stoole at the Milfordshire Lounge so he is at a loss to name any more critters

“C’mon, let’s play some funkye music, White Boye. I’ve already thrown a couple of logs  in to keep the fire going. Now all’s I need is ANOTHER log to light a fire and THIS ONE doesn’t come from a sugar maple tree.”

“Did you cut down the pin oak tree by the horse stable? I know it could crush our log cabin in 2 seconds, Cayuga Standard Time, but it’s stood the test of time for 500 years, since right before The Plague.”

“Noooooo, this log is not made of wood even though it’s in dire need of warming up before it dies in the snow and becomes humus.”

Well, Honey, I don’t know  of too many logs not made out of wood unless Fenimore owns a Plex-Glass nurserye near the Iroquois village. But that won’t arrive until the DuPonts found the State of Delaware.”

Smacks foreheade

“There’s the petrified forest!!!”

“Well, um, yeah, I’d like to get stoned, especially by the fireplace. Wouldn’t that just be SEXY???”

“Darlin’, ain’t no way I’m goin’ down to Arizona and pick a coupla stones to satisfy your horniness. The Milford Adulte Shoppe will open 8:00 sharp in the morning. Arizona ain’t until 1912 and the Navajos told me the other day when I was in Houston on an Outdoor Seminar at the Astrodome that they were using all stones of any kind to construct Route 66.”

She loses patience and cuts to the chase

“Dear, I want to have sexe with you by the fireplace. I’ll even go out with you in the outhouse if it’ll  just get me that romantic moment.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so? I think a FedEx landau can get some aphrodisiac cheap in New Brunswick and get it absolutely, positively by noon tomorrow. Is it too late to call?”

 

“Even tough guys who befriend the Indians and live the rugged life to the point where they char-broil raccoons need to ‘fess up to their problems. Mine was harder than a rock but when I took my Conestoga wagon down to Milfordshire Men’s Clinicke, I got the answers I needed to restore my intimacy with my wife. Now we Rocke and Rolle so much, she never notices the praying mantises chewing on her butte when we get it on in the outhouse. And sexe by the fireplace ain’t bad either and there’s no cobwebs in the blankets like there is in the corners of the outhouse. Man, that’s some good screwin’. Oops, Better watch it, the Quaker Society is listening and is one of our sponsors. Anyway, check ’em today and let ‘er rip. What have you got to lose but your virginity and your scalp?”

 

Gang, it’s your turn. Get you some freshly-brewed Maxwell House Decaf Special Blend Colombian Roasted Freshly Produced From The Slaves Of Some Third World Country That’ll Induce Dylan And Baez To Stage A Concert To Promote Awareness Of Aforementioned Problem. Me, I like Hills Brothers but will grab what I can. Jump into the Masterpiece Theater and put your 2 bits worth with Gil and Kaz on the Punter Question.

 

“Ohhhhhhh, Marty, you are just having your way with me!!! I’ve never had it like this before!!!!”

“Peaches, I’m still DRIVING!!!!!!! You’re on Bus #7757, the Teddy Roosevelt Model, a real rough-riding son of a bitch!!!!!”

“Does that mean you forgot to go to the Clinic this week after I sent you on a honeydew to get some milk?”

Thanks to Jack McDonald of Clarksville, Indiana, for his contribution to the last story. He gets a shout-out because at 90, he still gets out and lives, making him look much younger. He was also a race car driver and a damn good one in his day, with SEVERAL trophies to up his game. I salute you, Jack.

 

I can’t stand this

Hardly bear this

Seeking signs for better days

 

Sink my head low

For this sideshow

Can’t Kaz grasp there’s other ways

 

Now cram this farce into a crate

Get with the program, don’t be late

And ship this crap on a yacht to Kuwait

 

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

How much more must we endure

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

Not sailing from A to Z, fer sure

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

I’ve learned more form museum tours

Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhh Ahhhh Ah

The fruit needs more time to mature.

 

Where’s the want ads

Hey Punter

HEY PUNTER WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN

 

As Ben Folds leaves Gil and Kaz in the (I assume) office…but at least the last line and the song in general was a catharsis.

 

MUDLARK HAS KILLED MUDLARK, MUDLARK HAS KILLED MUDLARK…

Oops, that was in “Battle for Milford on The Planet of the Apes”. My bad.

October 1, 2018

What Milford Needs

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 7:09 am

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First of all, Milford Needs a Punter. Does it though? We’ve already been over this, but Milford has a punter. The coaching staff feels his value as a long snapper outweighs his value as a punter. There is a logic problem in here, but logic is clearly not the strong suit of the Milford coaching staff. But neither is coaching as this whole affair illustrates.

Next, Joe Bolek Used To Be One. Really? When and at what level? He’s been introduced to us as a film nerd obsessed with movies who is presumably not interested in sports. I contend that any random member of the current Milford team, who is already committed to practicing and playing football, could be coached into being an adequate punter and outperform some kid who hasn’t shown any interest in athletics. Again, this illustrates the utter laziness of the Milford coaching staff, who would rather look for a miracle than put an ounce of effort into developing the talents of bona fide student athletes.

Milford coaches are lazy. Shocking, isn’t it?

So, what about this Bagger Vance nonsense? Are we going to keep talking about Bagger Vance? Bagger Vance is a movie that nobody ever needs to talk about again. Nobody has talked about for a long time with the exception of Gil Thorp. Maybe it comes up as a reference to lazy film making. Actually, making a film is very hard and lazy people probably need not apply to that endeavor. Let’s say it’s lazy writing, playing on tired (and problematic) tropes. That’s what I hear anyway. I haven’t seen The Legend of Bagger Vance, and I’m not going to. Also I’m not going to type Bagger Vance again, because I’ve done so so much that he might just appear and try and redeem me. Having done this comics blogging so long, maybe I need redemption but I don’t think I’ll get it from…that guy.

September 8, 2018

Thay You, Thay Me

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Coquettish smiles from Gil?  A “WTF is this?” hand gesture from Kaz?  Towel-snapping incidents in the showers?  Oh yeah, Tiki Jansen’s fitting in, alright.  It’s probably too soon to apply the True Standish Principle to young Jansen but he’s sure to have an impact somewhere before long. His ex-teammates at New Thayer probably won’t be expecting the veer this time.  Maybe Gil will have him help implement Steve Owen’s old umbrella defense, but not until mid-season after the Mudlarks have had their ears pinned back a couple of times.

I just played the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects card on what looks like an outdoor executive office chair behind Kaz or maybe a blocking sled, in which case I’d have expected to see Steve Boone riding it. (edit: Then again, it may be an indoor office chair, with Kaz standing awkwardly in front of it. Thanks, Tim. Text and tags adjusted accordingly.)

 

July 12, 2018

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Pelwecki?

Filed under: freak hands, Gil Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 6:20 am

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Another strip already? I’m still mulling the meaning of the question “What about Kevin Pelwecki?” and why people will be asking it for the rest of his life. Does this mean he’ll always be the guy that gets excluded initially until the last minute when it suddenly dawns on someone that he hadn’t been given consideration?

“Well, I guess that’s it. We’re out of options. I guess we’ll just have to take the loss on this one.”
“What about Kevin Pelwecki?”
“Oh yeah, him. What have we got to lose? Send Pelwecki.”

Now on today’s episode of What About Kevin Pelwecki, where we join Kevin Pelwecki and Gil Thorp as they discuss the exciting future of Kevin Pelwecki. Gil seems to be advising Kevin to keep his options open which is code for “there’s no way you’re going to be walking on at State”. Either that or something way more racy like “it’s college, you’re supposed to experiment”.

“We need one more person for a proper Cambodian Flume Ride*, anybody game?”
“What about Kevin Pelwecki?”

The last time we saw Kevin, he was pretty pumped about going to State with an informal invite to consider the possibility of attempting to walk on to the baseball team. When did this become a problem for him?

“Oh shoot, I can’t think of anything else to put a button on this baseball season. Dafne’s going over to eat Ma Bader’s brownies. Del and Barry are still assholes, and we’ve done the requisite twenty panels of actual action. We’ve even thrown in four panels of softball but we’re still a few days short of a full season.”
“We can always just have Gil give some boilerplate advice to some kid about the future.”
“Yeah, but who should Gil be giving advice too?”
“What about Kevin Pelwecki?”
“Sure. Why not?”

*not a real thing

July 2, 2018

Soft Recruiting (Coach Colvin Wrote Me A Letter)

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I’m not going to pretend that I know anything about the actual mechanics of college recruiting or if sending letters through the mail is still the primary way for communicating with “recruits”.

What else does it say?

If your grades aren’t good enough to be admitted, walking on is going to be problematic.

If you think Gil Thorp doesn’t give a shit about baseball, wait until you get a load of The Colvin Way.

Do you have any relatives that live in Idaho? Out of state tuition at State U. is brutal!

Gil is probably standing right next to you, right? Say hi to that old reprobate for me!

June 25, 2018

Are We Sure These Kids Aren’t In Prison?

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Is it just me, or is everything spoken by Barry and Dafne utter nonsense? Am I reading Gil Thorp or Eugene Ionesco?

I get Panel One, sort of (except that they are in school now, but we’ve chewed all the meat off that bone). It’s awkward for Dafne to give Barry a straight answer so she just humors him instead of telling him that Del is a bitter, unrepentant a-hole.

That’s when it goes off the rails. What are you talking about Barry?? I told you he was sorry. Did Dafne’s non-answer indicate any contrition on Del’s part? We can chalk this up to Barry’s own self-delusion, I suppose.

Then the final panel is full of it. Mr. Bader told me to hug Barry for him. Seriously? He said that?

Dafne’s reaction to the request is equally baffling. But I can’t, it would seem dishonest. Dishonest? How about inappropriate? Nauseating? Maybe, at heart, the whole concept of “give so and so a hug for me” or “say hi for me” is kind of insincere, but I don’t know about dishonest.

Judging by how awkwardly the words are strung together, I’m just going to assume Rubin is as bored and fed up with this plot as the rest of us. I know Dafne’s classmates have zero interest in her story. Year round school really wears you out.

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