This Week in Milford

March 12, 2020

You Might Check Mr. Drysdale’s Bank Vault. Sometimes AP Exams Get Mixed Up With The Clampett’s Deposits.

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, huge earrings, Prairie Style Windows, Recycled art — tdrewhardin @ 1:40 am

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Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named Chris

Poor schmuck got sidetracked by a bucket full of piss

Maybe one day Gil will get to the truth

Gil’s tactics shape so badly too short of the tooth

 

4.0 student, Gil

Unsubstantiated claims

Easter Island head

 

Will somebody please wake up Gil and apprise him that if he’s going to be out of the office like he’s been the last several weeks, that he just can’t pop back in and start a witch hunt on evidence that is as shaky as Dr. Pearl’s skin medication? Boy, if they gotta apply the truth to her face, it might not cover all the wrinkles. You might apply Pond’s Medicated Cream to Teddy Blue’s Hair. It’ll still look ugly, but wow, the Mohawk sparkles and shines. Granny Clampett and Clearasil, I’m layin’ my money on that venture before Gil gets his bell rung and stops giving credibilty to the warts on Teddy’s head. Can’t use Oxy 5 on a Mohawk, the way I understand it.

We might as well employ the services of Jed Clampett. Go out in that buggy of his and take his shotgun with him. I wouldn’t want to be in Teddy’s shoes now. I wouldn’t want a man pulling up in my driveway in a contraption meant for coon-hunting and oil well-discovering, some old lady who’s following him carrying a jar full of Bucket Possum Gizzards.

“Well, no, Mr. DeMarco, that’s whut I came fer, ta git ta the bottom uv this. Now if ya say that he wuz swimmin’ in our hole in the back afore thuh gators came out fer feedin’ time, I believe ya. I reckon I kin reason with ol’ Chris over it.”

“Ye-ahh, an’ ya tell ‘um that if he jumps in that hole agin, I’ll set thuh trap and he’ll be lunch fer them gators.”

“Now, Granny, simmer down. We ain’t gonna make Chris a sacri-fish-ull lamb. We’ll wait until he takes the exam, then we’ll spring the gators on him. Ol’ Jethro’s one uv thuh proctors and he kin slip the gators past security.”

“I still think if yuh tote one of them gators ta Gil’s office, ya might scare the tarnation out of both of ’em. Then they both might be honest fer once.”

“I dunno, Granny. Ya might have better luck gittin’ Jethro ta show up at his weddin’ than ol’ Gil showin’ up at his position, ‘specially when the truth’s at stake. Reckon ya might throw another one ’em T-bone slabs at the gators fer good measure.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Denies Any Affairs With Granny, Says Relationship Is On The Up And Up!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Nowhere near common-law. I just ate some sauteed toad legs and taters at her table one night, that’s all.”

 

You gotta be kidding me, Thorp. Yes, it IS serious but NO, it isn’t Chris you need to speak with. Someone needs to use a gator trap on your Rock ’em Sock ’em head and squeeze the truth out of you.

Earth to Gil. As the readers have accurately pointed out WHERE DID TEDDY GET THOSE TESTS????? That’s the first thing you need to be asking before you drag an Honor student in your office and ask him the equivalent of whether he ever settled on his overdue parking fines. Yeah, you should pay them eventually but if some jackass is ridin’ the streets of Milford in his Harley at 80MPH in a School Zone, there’s no sense in takin’ Chris to the station when Teddy is using Milford for the Indianapolis 500. It’s the spectacle of racing, all right, and I’m not referring to the city. I bet you might find out that Teddy doesn’t have a license to ride that thing. Probably got his registration out of the Milford Pawn Shoppe. Y’know, the BOGO scenario. No wonder why Teddy was able to get that and a grocery sack full of AP exams.

 

“Can I see your driver’s license and registration, Mr. Clampett?”

“Weeeellll, dogie, Officer, I think my registration is buried under ’em PSAT’s in the glove box. Would ya settle fer my driver’s license and Barron’s Guide to the Hunting Laws Exam?”

 

Well, the first thing ya know, ol’ Chris is in the soup

Gil Thorp said, Chris, wipe your shoes of poop

He said, Harvard Law School is the place ya oughta be

So Chris got out of Milford and dumped this travesty

 

Or Yale, Gil

Good students

Teddy in the bottom of a Beverly Hills pool

 

“Weeeeeellllll, dogie, Granny, I didn’t knows ya wuz the princ’pal of Milferd High. A student done told us when me and Elly May wuz cleanin’ the girls gym of skeeters and lice. Did Gil do the hirin’ ‘n’ firin’?”

P2 is about the only thing I agree with in this commedia dell’arte and none of it is spoken. His shooting form is on-point, having worked with kids on their shooting and humbly claiming some success after a few of those kids made the team somewhere. They took the wins, I took the losses.

That said, ORAL commentary is a joke and leading absolutely nowhere. Changes in attitude, changes in latitude, we couldn’t play, we would just go insane. What’s sad is that somebody will have the utter nerve to ask why Chris didn’t turn in the contraband to Granny Pearl rather than be taken out of the incinerator at Milford Waste Management. Thorp and Granny, if you aren’t smart enough to quit giving credence to a class clown who is more clown than class, ain’t no way I’m steppin’ in the fire and gettin’ that char-broiled SAT test and clearin’ my name. Flame-broiled burgers taste better when the cook grills them without adding Chiquita banana peels.

I remember when Will McDonough, a well-respected journalist, still employed dubious reasoning on NFL Today on CBS with Brent Musburger and Terry Bradshaw when McDonough reported that one NFL team complained that another NFL team was spying on their practices and thus crying foul. Bradshaw blitzed McDonough and rightfully so when he answered “Will, if you see a couple of idiots in the stands with binoculars and taking notes and you’re not smart enough to run ’em off, WHY BRING IT UP?????”

Gil and Granny, if you don’t run off a class clown wannabe, knowing his record, WHY BRING IT UP????? He didn’t even use binoculars. Granny, I assume you checked the file cabinet on the dude’s record. Bettin’ that’s thicker than your Anti-Aging medication in your purse.

“Don’t try to hoodwink me, Jethro. I run a venerable institution. If Miss Hathaway said she saw Chris walking out with a stack of 100’s, then I believe her. He can’t just walk out and bank those in the Nerfhoop. That’s what a Nerfball is for.”

“Now hold on, Mr. Drysdale. I knows Chris. If I thought he wuz a dishonorable man, I wouldn’t a taken him ta go fishin’ down at the creek. I counted all my worms and I had all my ducks in a row when I wuz loadin’ the bait.”

“Nonsense. You better watch your fishing equipment. If I can’t trust him with crickets, by God, I surely can’t trust him when he’s checking on his IRA account at the teller window.”

“Ya mean, that one at the end of the counter? Shut my mouth, she’s cuter ‘n’ a bug’s ear. I’ll take ‘er on a fly-fishin’ outing at Mudlark Lake anytime. I reckon I’ll catch more than fish.”

 

If yore huntin’ license is en-dang-urred cuz ya hunted 1,243 snipe and the bag limit wuz 1,242, not countin’ the tare from all the millworms in the bag, ya might be a redneck.

 

“We need to get to the bottom of this. His reputation and his future is at stake. I would hate for his good name to be tarnished over a student who failed to exhibit proper foresight. Look into this incident and report back to me tomorrow.”

“Right away, Dr. Pearl. Is there anything else about Gil you want me to find out? I heard he was pulled over at The Bucket Drive-In area for a DUI. Too many Bucket Creme de Menthe’s in the Bucket Shake.”

“No, Ms. Rizk, that won’t be necessary. Obtaining that receipt Theodore dropped by the Milford School Bookstore is crucial. We need to confirm that Gil wasn’t using fake test booklets on the PE volleyball exam. That is was a plant by Theodore.”

“Said and done, Dr. Pearl.”

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Pat Summitt, who coached the University of Tennessee’s Women’s Basketball program for 38 years. A hard-nosed, no-nonsense individual, she became the first U. S. Olympian to win a medal as a player and a coach (Silver in 1976-player, Gold in 1984-coach) . Her teams won 8 National Championships under her guidance, including an undefeated season in 1998. She was listed in the Sporting News as the 11th-best coach of all time on the 50-Best Coaches List (MLB, NHL, NFL, NBA, College Football, College Basketball) . She is 2nd all-time in wins, 1098, behind Mike Krzyzewski at Duke. Plus all of her players graduated, many with honors. And 25 people came out of her program to be head or assistant coaches in other programs. Please join me in saluting a great coach who won big while touching the lives of many.

 

“Weeeeeellllll, dogie, Granny, nuthin’ like a room with a view. And that tree is probably older than you are. I used ta go huntin’ by these here woods and my bloodhounds would tree more squirrels up that sorry excuse fer a poplar than Dr. Pearl had wrinkles.”

“Eeeeeeeeeeee, just wishin’ they’d quit comin’ in here when I’m ironin’. I gotta still work on Elly May’s calico dress. I’ll get the facts about Ol’ Chrissy later. Personally, I’d tan his hide fer cheatin’ but I still gotta listen to the judge.”

“I understand the judge went down ta Milford Lounge with Mimi ta sing kar-ee-okee. They wuz singin’ ‘My Endless Love’.”

“If they don’t sing any better ‘n’ Lionel Richie, don’t be afraid ta use yer shotgun ta stop the comp-a-tish-shun.”

“I reckon I won’t need ta be so drastic. Granny, here’s more grease I picked up from under m’ buggy. It’ll git that wart off yer nose plain as Kaz in a panel.”

 

“We’ll be back for the conclusion of ‘The Mudlark Hillbillies’ after this.”

 

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“My name is Thomaston W. Snipe III and I was all set to passing the bar after graduating Summa Cum Laude at Milford Community College School of Law. But the proctors got the tests mixed up and I didn’t know I was taking the Final Exam of Milford Culinary Academy until I got to the section on Oven Pre-Heating Procedures. It took me 3 months before I could get a job as a lawyer. I had my foot lopped off sleeping on the Milford & Oakwood rail line while I was waiting for the officials to correct a most grievous error. Then a student of Emeril said he had burned his fingers frying Shake and Bake Pork Fritters. He got a hefty settlement and told me to call The Shark.”

 

“Don’t that beat all. Tripe III was in a world of hurt getting torts mixed up with tortes. I showed him that one of them you didn’t leave on the stove nor use Pam to bake in the pan with it. Neglect and forgetting to set the timer while the Rice-a-Roni Spanish Rice boiled in overtime caused my client to lose his leg. We fought the insurance company and made sure that Milford Culinary Academy paid my client what he deserved.”

“I got $6,000,000,000,000,001 for the trouble. The Shark took a dollar out to pay for the pop out of the machine. I am not only now a practicing lawyer, I also learned how to boil water before you throw the eggs into scramble. That Culinary Academy book that Teddy stuck in my briefcase was a treasure trove of information. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard the man. Call Sharkey Law Offices at 1-FON-THE-JAWS today and get your own slice of the pie. You don’t need Kenner Easy Oven to get the money you deserve. One call, that’s all.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. And I’ll be back to talk with you some more after I finish that second helping of Bucket Possum Gizzards

 

Well, now it’s time to say goodbye and send this on its way

The facts will never rise to live another day

We hope you folks don’t come next week to this locality

To have a heavin’ helpin’ of this railroadin’ jamboree

 

Failed intentions

Lost grip on reality

Don’t come back, Gil, ya hear?

 

“Chief, really, Chris is an honorable young man. I just don’t think he would jeopardize his potential over a few simoleons.”

“I won’t hear of it, Miss Hathaway. That boy will go to Milford Maximum or this bank will suffer. What will my stockholders think?”

“Now, hold on, Mr. Drysdale. Chris ain’t sich a bad kid. Just cuz he got no direction frum Gil don’t mean ya gotta punish him with th’ whip. She’s got a point. I saw ol’ Chris help a skunk up that ugly tree behind Dr. Pearl’s office. Cougar ’bout ate ’em both alive. Chris shewed a picher uv Gil’s hair and ya shoulda seen that beast go flyin’.”

March 11, 2020

Weird Science

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Well there you are and here I am. Get out your crayons and your pencils and start connecting these dots. Somewhere between Chris pouncing on that old test copy and shooting it into the library wastebasket, Kaz playing “smell my fingers” and Gil confronting Chris, Mr. Rollins went to Gil with Teddy Boy’s story and basically accused Chris of cheating.

Why didn’t Rollins confront Chris directly? Oh yeah, because Milford High is Gil’s world and everyone else just lives in it. It would also be tantamount to an admission by Rollins that he gives the same midterm every year. Lazy, for sure, but is Rollins just following the coaches’ lead in that regard?

Faux cliffhanger in P3. We’re led to believe Chris is lying, but he’ll likely tell Gil that Teddy gave him a copy of a test but told him it was a copy of last year’s test and why would he want last year’s test ’cause teachers aren’t so lazy as to give the same test every year, amirite?

Now get yourself some ’80s. Thirty-five years ago. Jeez.

March 9, 2020

Messed Up

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Teddy DeMarco’s latest plan in the Messing With Schuring campaign is revealed. He tells Mr. Rollins that he gave last years AP Chemistry midterm to Chris Schuring. How can this fail? Mr. Rollins will surely take Teddy’s word for it and punish Chris. Or…

He’ll go to Gil with this because that’s what you do when one of you students is a MHS student athlete. You take it to Gil. Gil will get to the bottom of this. Don’t let it trouble you, Mr. Rollins.

We don’t know everything that happened. Maybe Mr. Rollins had a talk with Chris too, but the strip makes it seem like he dumped this on Gil and went back to drinking coffee. Then Gil is talking to Teddy, suggesting that he is investigating. Gil sure has his hands full. I don’t know how he keeps up with his workload. After talking to Teddy, he’s gonna have to talk to Alexa and Phoebe. He’ll eventually have to talk to Chris. None of these interviews can really establish academic dishonesty, so Mr. Rollins is not off the hook yet.

Historical fact: My AP Chemistry teacher was Mr. Haggbloom.  I think there were no more than ten students. Most of us had no idea what was going on. I don’t recall any basketball players in that class.

March 7, 2020

Snitchin’ to Rollins

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We’ve come to that time in just about every Gil Thorp arc in which Rubin realizes he hasn’t paced worth a damn and he has to cram a week’s worth of action into a single strip and starts rushing the plot ahead without filling in the details. If this was football season we’d call it the two minute drill, but since it’s basketball season let’s call it throwing up treys and fouling. It’s late in the day and I know most of you TWIMers have probably seen today’s strip already, so I’m gonna rush through this much as Rubin did. Okay? Okay!

P1: I know that AP Chemistry midterm must be hard but, come on, it’s nothing to lose your head over! Maybe this isn’t AP Chem but American Lit and that kid under the first dialog box is acting out “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.”

P2: Neither the Milford boys nor the girls are making the playdowns ’cause they don’t score enough, so let’s sweep these games under the rug, shall we? Boy, that Marcell Irby sure is lanky!

P3: DeMarco is dropping in on Steve Harvey Mr. Rollins who, I’m assuming, is the AP Chem teacher. Couldn’t tell from that poor excuse for a periodic table behind his head. We know he’s gonna dime out Schuring; what we don’t know yet is how Schuring’s gonna get his name cleared. Something tells Gil will intervene (heaven knows he hasn’t been busy coaching) and Schuring’s word will be taken because athlete. Then we get a throwaway panel or two telling us why DeMarco’s had beef. Maybe Teddy has a low self opinion.

 

Then Alexa and Chris walk down a hallway, then it’s on to baseball. Hang on for the thrilling conclusion, folks!

January 11, 2020

Now Featuring The Incredible Shrinking “GIL” Mug

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After a week of actual action and actual coaching in practice, we were overdue for some actual off-court wackiness in Milford. Where else would we have expected it than the teachers’ lounge?

Today’s strip finds Gil with a horribly dislocated hip and holding a stack of papers with what looks like a pile of French fries. Cue this MHS administrative type lady coming to him with news of player grades, presumably in his role as AD. Would this have not mattered more at the beginning of the season, when grades might determine eligibility? Or does Milford have some arcane rule that if your grades start dropping, you get kicked off the team?  That might explain the underachievement all these years.

Now what is it about Alexa’s academic issues that has caused Gil’s head to bobble and his coffee mug to shrink? Could it be that Mimi’s sudden emphasis on her playing offense has Alexa distracted from the books? Or was it Mimi’s playing grab-ass and the thoughts of blowing the whistle that have shaken her? Maybe Miss Watson is tired of the computer/virtual assistant jokes and is thinking that tanking a few grades may make those jokes go away. There’s never a good reason for sabotaging your chances of leaving a tank town, so the latter is kind of doubtful.

January 8, 2020

Susan Gets the Cherries, Alexa Gets the Pits

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What else do Alexa Watson and Chris Schuring have in common besides being in competition for Milford High valedictorian? A reluctance to take shots, apparently.  If not for the media relations director of the National Cherry Festival (at least I think that’s who she is; fits Rubin’s MO of Pure Michigan shout-outs), the Lady Mudlarks might not have been able to hang on to beat the Lady Raiders.

Phoebe manages to elude the disembodied fist threatening to bonk her on the head to deliver the message to Alexa. Dunno if that was spontaneous or if Mimi planted that bug in her ear. Pulling kids out of class for 20 minutes then making them dress out and stand in front of her while she lectures them is not a Mrs. Coach Thorp thing, but if the Milford girls don’t start putting up more points Mimi may be forced to follow Gil’s lead and actually do a little coaching.

 

January 4, 2020

All Suited Up and No Place to Go

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Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit.  Gil Thorp is actually doing something tantamount to coaching today, but could he go about it any more awkwardly?

I mean really.  He pulls the kid out of class, makes him suit up in his game uniform, then makes him come back into his office to stand in front of his enormous window while he lectures him.  What sort of bizarre power trip/sexual peccadillo is at work here, I leave to the mind of the reader.  Talk amongst yourselves.

With that out of the way, let’s figure out how this weird scene advances the plot.  Schuring doesn’t mind taking the shots in practice against his crappy teammates, but hesitates to shoot against actual competition.  Now, at Gil’s direction, he’ll take more shots during games.  He’ll miss his share and, when he does, Teddy DeMarco will get into his head.  Good guy Chris will pretend not to care until he actually does, and his academics will suffer in turn.  Meanwhile Chris’ caring teammates will duct tape DeMarco into a locker until Teddy whines about his bad home life or whatever bullshit excuse bullies use for being bullies.  Everybody kisses and makes up and Milford still misses the playdowns.  Someone makes a lame joke and everyone exits, stage left, through a hallway.

What about all that valedictorian drama? That’ll have to wait until after spring sports are over and the school year ends, sometime around the Fourth of July.

 

 

December 17, 2019

Watson, Come Here Into The Gym, We Need You To Play Basketball

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A few years ago, Lester Holt was interviewing a lawyer involved in a controversial case somewhere in rural North Carolina. I can’t remember the exact details but if you’ll allow me to improvise, it was concerning some business or radio station that was defending its Constitutional rights when comments laced with profanity was published or said on the air.

When Holt asked the lawyer about the crux of the case, the lawyer proceeded to quote what he and his plaintiffs were complaining about, bearing in mind this was NOT the defendant’s lawyer

“…and we are objecting to ‘Up shit creek’ or ‘I want to fuck you blind’ or ‘Gil couldn’t coach out of a douchebag’…”

And FINALLY Holt mercifully interrupted the lawyer, since this was on an NBC News Magazine and therefore national news, by saying

ALL RIGHT WE GET THE POINT WE DON’T NEED THIS BARRAGE OF PROFANITY ON NATIONAL TV THERE ARE KIDS WATCHING THIS SHOW

Holt afterwards apologized profusely for what arguably wasn’t necessary to quote on TV, especially because again this was the same lawyer fighting AGAINST what he himself was guilty of and was fighting, i.e., the usage of inappropriate language to drive home the issue.

And Thorpiverse

WE GET THE JOKE. IT MIGHT HAVE TAKEN ANOTHER 3-PANEL SET TO CATCH IT BUT WE HAVE A FIRM GRASP ON THE HUMOR WE DON’T NEED TO SKIP OVER GIRLS BASKETBALL LIKE WE DID LAST YEAR AND PICK UP WHERE LEFT OFF AND TRY TO GET CREATIVE WITH WATSON COMEDY AT THE BUCKET

They don’t have homework? Richie and Ralph and Potsie and The Fonz sit around at Al’s and conjure up new ways to express themselves about Richie Cunningham’s dad?

The Foghorn Leghorn approach

“Oh, say, can you C, Mr. C.?”

“That’s a funny, Dad.”

 

 

“Oh, Howard, you spilled your fruit punch all over your pants. Let me get you a Bounty.”

“Marion, I’m fine. I’ll just throw them in the wash later…”

“Aaaaayyyyyyy, Mr. C., I wouldn’t let that Hi-C settle on you, Mr.C. You’ll have a sea full of Vitamin C Hi-C all over Mr.C., see?”

“Eat the rest of your peas, Arthur. Here, Howard, here’s a Kleenex.”

 

Gang, if we have to have several more panels of Hee Haw, we’re in trouble

“Man, Roy, I can’t find those county corn yield reports anywhere. Can you help me look?”

“They ain’t come out of Lulu the Supercomputer’s mouth yet, Buck.”

Archie Campebell steps in

“That’s all right. Heck, Lulu’s so fat, they have to perform a Lamaze procedure when she’s spitting printouts.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Alexa, is that you

I hope that football’s finally through

Basketball could be in view

I can pray

Hard to say

There’s only one thing that there’s left to play

Tip-off might be any day

 

We gotta get you a ballgame

It’s the only thing to show that this plot is alive

We gotta get you a ballgame

You better quit walkin’

They call that stuff Traveling

 

Because I’m amused because I saw a sign on a grocery store advising customers to

PLEASE DON’T PARK IN FRONT OF THE STORE

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Local Resident Fined Severely For Double-Parking At Milford IGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Shaw: ‘I was just getting eggs for my wife. And that Iams Beef a-Plenty 15-lb. bag for my huntin’ dog was hard on my back.'”

 

Let me get the obvious out of the way in P1. The girls are actually drawn pretty darn well and Phoebe is a cutie in that scene.

Then we get to her burger. Oh my.

Unless The Bucket is marketing Art Nouveau Leaning Towers of Pisa disguised as an overloaded Big Mac with one pickle and onion too many, I think I’ll order the Bucket Full o’ Pasta. C’mon, I’m still utilizing the Italian language.

I could go to a Milford Zoning Board meeting with that structure and make my case for a high-rise condo unit on a vacant lot in Downtown Milford. Drainage shouldn’t be a problem with that thing, just set that Tower of Babel at a perpendicular and the grease is as good as gone. I’ll get approved at next month’s meeting, unanimously.

Now I delve into the not-so-obvious. This one will have to be broken down if we’re to build the logic back up.

And what better way to dive into deductive reasoning than to transpose what’s being said in P1 to Pop’s Choklit Shoppe where Archie and Veronica are sitting in a booth.

“Oh, Archiekins, I am buying the Popsburger Combo with Extra Buffalo Fries and a side order of Onion Rings and Pop’s Veggie Lasagna because Daddy ran over Jughead in his Lamborghini.”

“Did they get Mr. Lodge for a DUI?”

“Now you know Daddy doesn’t drink and drive, Love.”

“That’s true. You still want to go to the drive-in movie. We can go right after Jughead’s funeral.”

“Oh, Archiekins, you say the sweetest things.”

 

If yore computer is nicknamed “Bubba” because it’s the only computer on the planet that gives ya printouts while its butt’s hangin’ out, sportin’ more pimples in its crack than a teenager, ya might be a redneck.

 

Talking ’bout Thorp, he’s so under the gun

This plot is stupid, not a lot of fun

Let’s hope that basketball won’t be shunned

And then we’ll take some time to get your stuff together

GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER

Cuz, we gotta get you a ballgame…

 

But enjoy the generic School Cafeteria Burger, Alexa. All students get a free one everytime someone calls him or her HAL.

“Would you mind passing the mustard, Dave?”

 

 

“Will Archie Andrews and Moose Mason use hedge clippers to pare the rest of Mr. T.’s grandson’s head? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion here on WDIG-TV.”

 

Because I’m in eternal wonder over these ED ads advising a person to throw away his old dick pills

 

At Mudlark Lake Resort one Autumn afternoon

 

THESE GODDAM PILLS AREN’T GETTING ME ANY HARDER THAN MARTY’S HEAD!!!!!!!!!!! THIS NAXIUM IS WORTHLESS. THE PHARMACIST SAID IT WOULD TAKE CARE OF MY HEARTBURN AND MY ED PROBLEMS. I’M FLUSHIN’ THESE SUCKERS-

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

YEAH?

“Daddy, I gotta go #2 bad. My Underoos are stinky already.”

“Hold on, Jaime. Daddy has to unload some garbage and this can’t wait THAT’S THE LAST TIME I LISTEN TO THOSE ASSHOLES AT MILFORD APOTHECARY. THEY SAID MY WIENER WOULD TURN TO STONE AFTER I USED MIRALAX. I CAN SHIT LIKE A RHINO BUT MY WIENIE’S STILL A WIENIE-

Mimi approaches

“Gil, you OK? They can hear you from the other side of the lake. I could hear you cuss at the boat ramp over the Evinrude motor and that thing was louder than a Who concert.”

“I’m sorry, Honey, but I got to flush my troubles down the drain. The Pharmacy Grad Student at Milford Community College said the Children’s Mucinex Nightshift Relief would cause my thingamabob to be stiff enough to hang a flag on. Snot’s runnin’ out of it more than blood’s flowin’ into it. I’m flushin’ this across the Charon.”

“Gil, you’re in an outhouse.”

“Mimi, I couldn’t care less if I’m in the penthouse. When I use my Mudlark Visa Gold to buy Milford Apothecary Ibuprofen, I expect to dominate my women like Thor shootin’ one out of the sky.”

“Gil, I have a better idea. Why don’t you try one of the EREC-STYLE 9800 that I stuffed in your stuffing and consider it a pre-Christmas gift? It works better than Coricidin or Vick’s VapoRub.”

“HEY THAT’S IT. LET ME RUB SOME ON MY OSCAR MEYER WIENER AND YOU WILL TRULY BE IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Maybe so, but in the meantime, you’ll have to clean the poopie off the jungle gym. Jaime just had an accident.”

 

“Why go through all that frustration when I could have used EREC-STYLE 9800, sold exclusively at Milford Men’s Clinic. No more throwing Aleve or Bayer in the dumpster for Milford Sanitary Solutions to pick up. I am not only having the time of my life, but the bathroom is free for my kids when they’ve eaten one chimichanga too many at Milford Taco Bell. Come get your fun at the Clinic and leave Garbage Day for your canteloupe rinds. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

Thanks to Cooper Stewart of Louisville, Kentucky for help with the above idea. Cooper works hard and his raw sense of humor keeps me going and gives me GREAT ideas. Cooper represents America with his dedication to his job and just by being himself. Don’t ever change, My Man. America needs you.

 

Go at it, Gang. I’m going to court to testify for Mr. Lodge. They say he was guilty of pulling a Gil with his car. I wonder how you get busted just by owning an idle car that plops its butt on the practice field but we do have Due Process, Thank God.

 

And when we’re done with youuuuu

We’ll do it with baseball, too.

 

Thanks for putting up with my love for Todd Rundgren. You’re #1 in my book, Gang.

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