This Week in Milford

June 29, 2022

Tommy Can You Feel Me?

“If we bunt, it’ll only be when the situation calls for it.”
“When do you think the situation calls for it, Tommy?”
“Whenever we’re at bat, Gil.”

Looks like we’re in for another episode of Chain Link Fence Theater. Mighty magnanimous of Coach Luigi Tommy from Goshen to not take advantage of The Hammmmer’s failing eyesight. Guessing his team sucks so hard they’re not in contention for the Valley title. Fear not, Tommy boy: Gil will still be able to join your foursome on Monday.

Does Scooter like to pat Gregg’s ass or what? No wonder we’ve seen so little of Charis the tennis player. We haven’t seen or heard much from Scooter Pie lately either (is he still telegraphing the pitches to Gerg?) and I kinda liked it that way. I know it’s not a carbon copy of the 6/6 strip but close enough that I’m calling it recycled. Where those bleachers came from and the direction in which they’re pointed is up for interpretation.

Rubin’s got exactly two more strips after today to wrap up Milford’s baseball season before his traditional lessons learned/walk away through a doorway strip, so the Mudlarks are about to sink faster than the Lusitania in real time. Fact of the matter is Ggerg is as shy of the limelight as his plagiarizing old man. Expect some lame pun about both of them seeing the light on Saturday.

meta: Thanks to my colleagues for stepping up in my absence. I’ll be glad to rejoin the rotation on or about July 20.

July 31, 2021

Summers in Milford Are Like Deodorant

sandbagger (n.) – one who conceals abilities or assets at first in order to gain tactical advantage later.

John Jawor is back, looking like he’s dropped a few pounds since we last saw him. That’s not all he’s dropped: there’s also the heavy hint that Carter Hendricks is a sandbagger on the links at the MCC. I freely admit I’m no golfer, so I don’t know the veracity of this explanation of the origins of the term “sandbagging.” However, if one of Hendricks’ patsies gets wind of what’s been going on and breaks his thumbs, I won’t be disappointed.

The only violence we’re likely to see is the awkward crashing together of this summer’s disparate plot lines. Will Gil and Marjie hatch a secret plot to have Heather Burns go undercover as an easy mark for Hendricks in a coed scramble? I’m about as eager to find out as I am to watch the rest of baseball season.

July 17, 2021

Please Let This Golf Shark Be Gil’s Long-lost Son

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, Heather Burns, huge earrings, Milford CC, Recycled art, talking hand — teenchy @ 11:35 am

Continuing with an idea thrown out by robmize yesterday, kids fresh out of college do not need to have their life’s trajectories neatly laid out before them the moment they’re handed their diplomas. The realities of today’s working world and the high costs of post-secondary education weigh on today’s twentysomethings like they did on few generations before them. So kudos to Rubin for painting that aspect of Heather’s character with a fairly accurate brush. Still Gil can’t help but be a tiny bit of a dick with his little dig at the many things Heather tried to do during her high school days.

Speaking of tiny dickishness: I imagine Friend of TWIM and fellow Thorp snarker Mopman is having a field day with P2 here, skipping over the Get Smart references and going straight to the crotchal area.

Today’s bombshell may be an unintentional one, however. Between the hairline and the coloring, he’s made golf shark Hendricks into a dead ringer for Gildeaux and vice versa. Okay, maybe the sideburns are a millimeter or two different but seriously, how lazy can he get? Lazy enough that we could hope against hope that Hendricks is in reality long lost Thorp son Jami. Now that would make for an interesting summer plot…

Time for an afternoon siesta. Have at it, gentle readers, and catch you next week.

July 14, 2021

I’m shocked – SHOCKED! – that I’m using this line again!

We start today with more golf gibberish to the effect that grinning idiot Hendricks here flubbed a shot but got lucky and close to the hole. As a result, he wins a bet with the sturdy looking dude with the color-changing shirt and bucket hat. Shades of Lanny Penn again, maybe – but what’s this? I know there’s a movement afoot to replace Andrew Jackson’s likeness on the $20 bill, but it’s with Harriet Tubman‘s, not Val Kilmer’s.

Quick cut to the offices of the Milford Star where Marjie Ducey’s talking to her editor, whose body looks suspiciously like Gil’s when he’s making the mangia bene hand gesture. Presumably he’s got Heather Burns’ resume in front of him, which should look a little like this:

EDUCATION

BA, Journalism, University of Iowa, Iowa City, IA, 2021

High School Diploma, Milford High School, Milford, ??, 2017

WORK EXPERIENCE

Assistant Coach, Milford 7-on-7 football practice, 2017

Life Coach to Confused NBA Players, 2017

Varsity Football, Tight End, Tackling Dummy, Fifth-String Quarterbacks Coach, Assistant Trainer, and General Distraction, 2016

Varsity Soccer, Dead Weight, ???-2016

Alright, Rubin’s got about six weeks for this arc. How are these rando panels gonna come together, then, gentle readers? Heather Burns gets a job with the Star, but not a permanent job – Milford’s too much of a tank town to need more than one reporter – so she’ll serve as Marjie’s unpaid intern. Marjie puts her on the trail of this gambling and counterfeiting ring at the Milford CC, launching Heather’s career as an investigative reporter* somewhere else while Marjie gets to keep her top dog status at the Star.

*Because that worked out so well for Dafne Dafonte.

June 4, 2021

Throwing to a recycled panel

Filed under: actual action, Central, Mimi Thorp, Recycled art — robmize2013 @ 6:55 pm

And the stupidity continues, with Corinna throwing the ball over the fence into a clearly recycled Panel 2, which was used for a home run some time ago. Why the hell would a Milford fielder suddenly change uniforms mid practice?

May 24 – the game with Central- close enough. Unreal how Whigham thinks we cant remember anything before last week.

On April 29, Mimi first asked Corinna about college, while having cupcakes with her. Corinna basically said her mothers mental health came first, so not interested. 5 weeks later, and we’re still beating the dead horse. Its either this or the Library Showdown. Pick your poison folks. Why we cant have a number of storylines that take a week or so instead of a death march for months going over the saaaaaame stuuuuf. Then on to the next bunch of miserable characters for 3 months of summer fun.

But perhaps P3 offers a chance for Corinna to switch positions, to pitcher. Just idiotic enough for this strip to give it a whirl. Strong arm, yeah. I could fill Yankee Stadium with strong armed players who got their ears knocked back either for lack of control, or lack of command of a second pitch to throw off the batters timing. Dont let that arm fool you, Mimi. For gods sake, if we see Corinna on the mound next week, we’ll know the inmates are running the asylum.

Finally— I will be taking a much deserved week off next week to return to Myrtle Beach for golf, the ocean, and the beach. Of the 8 trips I took last year, that was my favorite; its like paradise to a golfer, and I never get tired of the ocean and its views. . So giving a heads up for a fill- in in case Joan Rivers isnt available..

January 1, 2021

Gotta start somewhere

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Recycled art — robmize2013 @ 10:43 pm

Normally high school basketball starts around November, right after football ends. Not in these parts– they have the curtain-raiser on New Years Day. #34 certainly isnt shooting at the basket, unless he shoots sideways all the time, and the fans will certainly be chanting “AIR BALL!!” after many of his shots this season.

The Rogers Rams hail from Toledo Ohio, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rogers_High_School_(Toledo,_Ohio)

so they should have bus legs coming to Michigan. But they apparently didnt stay up til midnight last night, so theyre starting off 2021 strong, although #22 sure resembles one of the Milford players from last year. Wonder if the artist merely switched colors on a recycled panel.

At any rate, we’re off and running on another year of Milford shenanagans.

March 12, 2020

You Might Check Mr. Drysdale’s Bank Vault. Sometimes AP Exams Get Mixed Up With The Clampett’s Deposits.

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Gil Thorp, huge earrings, Prairie Style Windows, Recycled art — tdrewhardin @ 1:40 am

031220

Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named Chris

Poor schmuck got sidetracked by a bucket full of piss

Maybe one day Gil will get to the truth

Gil’s tactics shape so badly too short of the tooth

 

4.0 student, Gil

Unsubstantiated claims

Easter Island head

 

Will somebody please wake up Gil and apprise him that if he’s going to be out of the office like he’s been the last several weeks, that he just can’t pop back in and start a witch hunt on evidence that is as shaky as Dr. Pearl’s skin medication? Boy, if they gotta apply the truth to her face, it might not cover all the wrinkles. You might apply Pond’s Medicated Cream to Teddy Blue’s Hair. It’ll still look ugly, but wow, the Mohawk sparkles and shines. Granny Clampett and Clearasil, I’m layin’ my money on that venture before Gil gets his bell rung and stops giving credibilty to the warts on Teddy’s head. Can’t use Oxy 5 on a Mohawk, the way I understand it.

We might as well employ the services of Jed Clampett. Go out in that buggy of his and take his shotgun with him. I wouldn’t want to be in Teddy’s shoes now. I wouldn’t want a man pulling up in my driveway in a contraption meant for coon-hunting and oil well-discovering, some old lady who’s following him carrying a jar full of Bucket Possum Gizzards.

“Well, no, Mr. DeMarco, that’s whut I came fer, ta git ta the bottom uv this. Now if ya say that he wuz swimmin’ in our hole in the back afore thuh gators came out fer feedin’ time, I believe ya. I reckon I kin reason with ol’ Chris over it.”

“Ye-ahh, an’ ya tell ‘um that if he jumps in that hole agin, I’ll set thuh trap and he’ll be lunch fer them gators.”

“Now, Granny, simmer down. We ain’t gonna make Chris a sacri-fish-ull lamb. We’ll wait until he takes the exam, then we’ll spring the gators on him. Ol’ Jethro’s one uv thuh proctors and he kin slip the gators past security.”

“I still think if yuh tote one of them gators ta Gil’s office, ya might scare the tarnation out of both of ’em. Then they both might be honest fer once.”

“I dunno, Granny. Ya might have better luck gittin’ Jethro ta show up at his weddin’ than ol’ Gil showin’ up at his position, ‘specially when the truth’s at stake. Reckon ya might throw another one ’em T-bone slabs at the gators fer good measure.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Denies Any Affairs With Granny, Says Relationship Is On The Up And Up!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Nowhere near common-law. I just ate some sauteed toad legs and taters at her table one night, that’s all.”

 

You gotta be kidding me, Thorp. Yes, it IS serious but NO, it isn’t Chris you need to speak with. Someone needs to use a gator trap on your Rock ’em Sock ’em head and squeeze the truth out of you.

Earth to Gil. As the readers have accurately pointed out WHERE DID TEDDY GET THOSE TESTS????? That’s the first thing you need to be asking before you drag an Honor student in your office and ask him the equivalent of whether he ever settled on his overdue parking fines. Yeah, you should pay them eventually but if some jackass is ridin’ the streets of Milford in his Harley at 80MPH in a School Zone, there’s no sense in takin’ Chris to the station when Teddy is using Milford for the Indianapolis 500. It’s the spectacle of racing, all right, and I’m not referring to the city. I bet you might find out that Teddy doesn’t have a license to ride that thing. Probably got his registration out of the Milford Pawn Shoppe. Y’know, the BOGO scenario. No wonder why Teddy was able to get that and a grocery sack full of AP exams.

 

“Can I see your driver’s license and registration, Mr. Clampett?”

“Weeeellll, dogie, Officer, I think my registration is buried under ’em PSAT’s in the glove box. Would ya settle fer my driver’s license and Barron’s Guide to the Hunting Laws Exam?”

 

Well, the first thing ya know, ol’ Chris is in the soup

Gil Thorp said, Chris, wipe your shoes of poop

He said, Harvard Law School is the place ya oughta be

So Chris got out of Milford and dumped this travesty

 

Or Yale, Gil

Good students

Teddy in the bottom of a Beverly Hills pool

 

“Weeeeeellllll, dogie, Granny, I didn’t knows ya wuz the princ’pal of Milferd High. A student done told us when me and Elly May wuz cleanin’ the girls gym of skeeters and lice. Did Gil do the hirin’ ‘n’ firin’?”

P2 is about the only thing I agree with in this commedia dell’arte and none of it is spoken. His shooting form is on-point, having worked with kids on their shooting and humbly claiming some success after a few of those kids made the team somewhere. They took the wins, I took the losses.

That said, ORAL commentary is a joke and leading absolutely nowhere. Changes in attitude, changes in latitude, we couldn’t play, we would just go insane. What’s sad is that somebody will have the utter nerve to ask why Chris didn’t turn in the contraband to Granny Pearl rather than be taken out of the incinerator at Milford Waste Management. Thorp and Granny, if you aren’t smart enough to quit giving credence to a class clown who is more clown than class, ain’t no way I’m steppin’ in the fire and gettin’ that char-broiled SAT test and clearin’ my name. Flame-broiled burgers taste better when the cook grills them without adding Chiquita banana peels.

I remember when Will McDonough, a well-respected journalist, still employed dubious reasoning on NFL Today on CBS with Brent Musburger and Terry Bradshaw when McDonough reported that one NFL team complained that another NFL team was spying on their practices and thus crying foul. Bradshaw blitzed McDonough and rightfully so when he answered “Will, if you see a couple of idiots in the stands with binoculars and taking notes and you’re not smart enough to run ’em off, WHY BRING IT UP?????”

Gil and Granny, if you don’t run off a class clown wannabe, knowing his record, WHY BRING IT UP????? He didn’t even use binoculars. Granny, I assume you checked the file cabinet on the dude’s record. Bettin’ that’s thicker than your Anti-Aging medication in your purse.

“Don’t try to hoodwink me, Jethro. I run a venerable institution. If Miss Hathaway said she saw Chris walking out with a stack of 100’s, then I believe her. He can’t just walk out and bank those in the Nerfhoop. That’s what a Nerfball is for.”

“Now hold on, Mr. Drysdale. I knows Chris. If I thought he wuz a dishonorable man, I wouldn’t a taken him ta go fishin’ down at the creek. I counted all my worms and I had all my ducks in a row when I wuz loadin’ the bait.”

“Nonsense. You better watch your fishing equipment. If I can’t trust him with crickets, by God, I surely can’t trust him when he’s checking on his IRA account at the teller window.”

“Ya mean, that one at the end of the counter? Shut my mouth, she’s cuter ‘n’ a bug’s ear. I’ll take ‘er on a fly-fishin’ outing at Mudlark Lake anytime. I reckon I’ll catch more than fish.”

 

If yore huntin’ license is en-dang-urred cuz ya hunted 1,243 snipe and the bag limit wuz 1,242, not countin’ the tare from all the millworms in the bag, ya might be a redneck.

 

“We need to get to the bottom of this. His reputation and his future is at stake. I would hate for his good name to be tarnished over a student who failed to exhibit proper foresight. Look into this incident and report back to me tomorrow.”

“Right away, Dr. Pearl. Is there anything else about Gil you want me to find out? I heard he was pulled over at The Bucket Drive-In area for a DUI. Too many Bucket Creme de Menthe’s in the Bucket Shake.”

“No, Ms. Rizk, that won’t be necessary. Obtaining that receipt Theodore dropped by the Milford School Bookstore is crucial. We need to confirm that Gil wasn’t using fake test booklets on the PE volleyball exam. That is was a plant by Theodore.”

“Said and done, Dr. Pearl.”

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry is Pat Summitt, who coached the University of Tennessee’s Women’s Basketball program for 38 years. A hard-nosed, no-nonsense individual, she became the first U. S. Olympian to win a medal as a player and a coach (Silver in 1976-player, Gold in 1984-coach) . Her teams won 8 National Championships under her guidance, including an undefeated season in 1998. She was listed in the Sporting News as the 11th-best coach of all time on the 50-Best Coaches List (MLB, NHL, NFL, NBA, College Football, College Basketball) . She is 2nd all-time in wins, 1098, behind Mike Krzyzewski at Duke. Plus all of her players graduated, many with honors. And 25 people came out of her program to be head or assistant coaches in other programs. Please join me in saluting a great coach who won big while touching the lives of many.

 

“Weeeeeellllll, dogie, Granny, nuthin’ like a room with a view. And that tree is probably older than you are. I used ta go huntin’ by these here woods and my bloodhounds would tree more squirrels up that sorry excuse fer a poplar than Dr. Pearl had wrinkles.”

“Eeeeeeeeeeee, just wishin’ they’d quit comin’ in here when I’m ironin’. I gotta still work on Elly May’s calico dress. I’ll get the facts about Ol’ Chrissy later. Personally, I’d tan his hide fer cheatin’ but I still gotta listen to the judge.”

“I understand the judge went down ta Milford Lounge with Mimi ta sing kar-ee-okee. They wuz singin’ ‘My Endless Love’.”

“If they don’t sing any better ‘n’ Lionel Richie, don’t be afraid ta use yer shotgun ta stop the comp-a-tish-shun.”

“I reckon I won’t need ta be so drastic. Granny, here’s more grease I picked up from under m’ buggy. It’ll git that wart off yer nose plain as Kaz in a panel.”

 

“We’ll be back for the conclusion of ‘The Mudlark Hillbillies’ after this.”

 

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“My name is Thomaston W. Snipe III and I was all set to passing the bar after graduating Summa Cum Laude at Milford Community College School of Law. But the proctors got the tests mixed up and I didn’t know I was taking the Final Exam of Milford Culinary Academy until I got to the section on Oven Pre-Heating Procedures. It took me 3 months before I could get a job as a lawyer. I had my foot lopped off sleeping on the Milford & Oakwood rail line while I was waiting for the officials to correct a most grievous error. Then a student of Emeril said he had burned his fingers frying Shake and Bake Pork Fritters. He got a hefty settlement and told me to call The Shark.”

 

“Don’t that beat all. Tripe III was in a world of hurt getting torts mixed up with tortes. I showed him that one of them you didn’t leave on the stove nor use Pam to bake in the pan with it. Neglect and forgetting to set the timer while the Rice-a-Roni Spanish Rice boiled in overtime caused my client to lose his leg. We fought the insurance company and made sure that Milford Culinary Academy paid my client what he deserved.”

“I got $6,000,000,000,000,001 for the trouble. The Shark took a dollar out to pay for the pop out of the machine. I am not only now a practicing lawyer, I also learned how to boil water before you throw the eggs into scramble. That Culinary Academy book that Teddy stuck in my briefcase was a treasure trove of information. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard the man. Call Sharkey Law Offices at 1-FON-THE-JAWS today and get your own slice of the pie. You don’t need Kenner Easy Oven to get the money you deserve. One call, that’s all.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. And I’ll be back to talk with you some more after I finish that second helping of Bucket Possum Gizzards

 

Well, now it’s time to say goodbye and send this on its way

The facts will never rise to live another day

We hope you folks don’t come next week to this locality

To have a heavin’ helpin’ of this railroadin’ jamboree

 

Failed intentions

Lost grip on reality

Don’t come back, Gil, ya hear?

 

“Chief, really, Chris is an honorable young man. I just don’t think he would jeopardize his potential over a few simoleons.”

“I won’t hear of it, Miss Hathaway. That boy will go to Milford Maximum or this bank will suffer. What will my stockholders think?”

“Now, hold on, Mr. Drysdale. Chris ain’t sich a bad kid. Just cuz he got no direction frum Gil don’t mean ya gotta punish him with th’ whip. She’s got a point. I saw ol’ Chris help a skunk up that ugly tree behind Dr. Pearl’s office. Cougar ’bout ate ’em both alive. Chris shewed a picher uv Gil’s hair and ya shoulda seen that beast go flyin’.”

March 3, 2020

“Hey, Funnie!!!!! I Got Some Crib Notes On The SAT For Sale!!!!!”

030320

This is the city, Milford USA. It has its good points and its bad points. But I was born and raised here. I call it home.

Milford is like any other city. Good roads. Good schools. Fair tax system. And The Bucket is better than a Big Mac and tater tots any day of the week. And I can handle any rogue who tries to slip a BLT in his overalls because the Milford Soup Kitchen ran short on Campbell’s Chunky. But when a punk attempts to traffick illicit and illegal test items, that gutless coward filled in one too many blanks on the essay section with his #2 pencil. That’s when I go to work. My name’s Friday. I carry a badge.

It was rainy in Milford. The WDIG-TV weatherman called for hail the size of Mudlark practice balls later in the afternoon. But my partner, Bill Gannon, and I had a hailstorm and you couldn’t come of the rain on this one.

We were assigned to the Unlawful and Wrongful Distribution of Examinations and Quiz Substances Unit of the Milford Police Department. The boss is Captain Keener. We were advised to be on the lookout for vehicles peddling illegal SAT’s and other stolen test merchandise. The contraband could be in an Econoline van or a Roadway semi. Anything to throw off the trail.

“Gentlemen, we have a hot one and I’m tired of getting the once-over from the Mayor. So the sooner we can wrap this package and get it under the tree for Christmas, the better. But don’t be stupid. Don’t get your chest blown in two over an LSAT. And you can’t open the Milford Bed and Bath delivery truck without a warrant.”

“We understand. Are there any leads?”

“A couple. An anonymous tipster called and said he saw a Roehl Trucking piggy-back pull at the entrance to Milford High School gym. Said they were using dollies up and down the ramp. We put two and two together and figured you couldn’t fit slaughterballs on dollies. But the guy riding shotgun had one of his own so the tipster couldn’t get closer.”

“We have our Sig Sauers in our wallet. We’ll fire when necessary, Chief.”

“Hopefully it won’t come to that. I don’t want to lose you both over a sting operation gone awry.”

“Don’t worry. If Friday and I can handle John Dillinger without firing a shot, we can handle vermin who shot the proctor so they could improve their score on the Verbal section.”

Somber music as Friday and Gannon methodically leave Keener’s office

 

Come to Iroquois Gardens Apartments and check out the deals at hand. Melody Bland and Melissa Frye always have a friendly face and can show you the best rooms around. I know. I love the comfort and convenience, not to mention the atmosphere of my abode. Factor in a microwave, refrigerator, excellent Central Air and other amenities along with great closet space and places to store my cooking items (LOVE to cook) and I have a winner of a situation. And it’s a perfect setting for doing this blog. Come see what I mean at Iroquois Gardens Apartments on New Cut Road in South Louisville, just across the street from Iroquois Park. You’ll be glad you did.

Support Small Business, Gang. You need to go where everyone knows your name.

 

This is purely inane. What in the name of Nickelodeon is “Doug” doing on here???? Thorpiverse, if you’re going to drag bad guys out of the script heap, will you at least tell Roger M. Klotz that if he’s going to be trafficking test papers in the hallway to at least SHAVE? It’s bad enough that we have sunk to juvenile proportions just to sell a comic strip.

“Hey, Alexa, here’s some inside info on the Math portion of the SAT. It has all the trig ratios. And Funnie is still struggling with Corresponding Parts of Congruent Triangles are Congruent. You oughta knock him cold if you remember that cosine is the ADJACENT side divided by the hypotenuse. The difference between Milford Community College and Harvard.”

“No thank you, I don’t cheat. Where’d you get those Cliff’s Notes? Surely not the same location as your Trac II.”

“Naw, I stuck all my razors in Funnie’s locker. And told Mr. Bone that Doug Funnie stole them out of his desk when he was going to The Bucket to have lunch with Gil.”

“It shows.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Injures Back At Milford Lounge During Karaoke Hour!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Was trying to duckwalk while playing ‘Maybelline’ on his banjo.”

 

10:14AM-It was windy in Milford. My partner, Bill Gannon, passed some gas and thankfully the zephyr blew most of the stench away. I told him to lay off the sausage biscuits off the Dollar Menu at the Drive-Thru at McDonald’s.

But the test operations ring was getting even stinkier. The good news was that one of the cafeteria ladies called and reported a suspicious pickup truck unloading milk crates at the entrance in the back of the cafeteria. Normally Milford Dairies appears in their Kenworth. It was time to investigate.

We talked with Constance Snakely, the head of the cafeteria, about the incident. Needless to say, the discussion wasn’t about overripe meat loaf on the school lunch menu.

“Awwwwwrrrigghtt, Mrs. Snakely. I could book you on a Section 347, “Manufacturing of Unlawful Condiments with Intent to Damage the Well-Being of the Academic Circles and its Constituents”, but the Milford Minimum Security Facility is overcrowded and I lost the key. But you better have the Twinkie rack in order on this one.”

“It’s that we had to utilize a Dodge Ram to bring in shipments of dairy products. But I am by the book on deliveries. Nothing escapes my eye. What would I do with a Barron’s Guide to the SAT? Store it in the cooler with the 2%?”

“Ma’am, my partner Friday is only doing his job. We have to ensure nothing is fishy. If a #2 pencil is found under a package of Sargento’s Sharp Cheddar, we could all wind up in the hoosegow. Just following procedure.”

“I understand. I hope you catch the crumbum who’s messing with my deliveries. I run a clean operation, you know. Kids and Minute Maid go together like Gil and Mimi.”

“You better pray Gil and Mimi aren’t discovered with a Ford Explorer with cottage cheese and Cliff’s Notes on Precal.”

Somber music as Friday and Gannon grab a bowl of chipped Jell-O and leave.

 

And why the heck is Jiffy Pop Head still following Roger Loser? Both had their prank props confiscated, both got detention, and to add insult to injury, NOBODY LAUGHED. When I was going to school, a student named Fred Seiler (SIGH-ler) would keep us in stitches in Mr. Stieler’s (Steeler) German class. And he NEVER got in trouble. Fred’s philosophy was that if you’re going to get sent to the Principal’s office, keep ’em laughing when you leave. ‘Nuff said.

So in P2, 2 Dead Men Walking

“Hey, Roger, why are they strapping us down to this chair? I thought you said The Governor implented a Stay of Execution.”

“I just got done talking to The Governor. He said that Dr. Pearl ought to remove this steel hat to our heads anytime.”

“Even if we dumped Doug’s body in the ditch behind Milford Beverage Warehouse?”

“Dr. Pearl just said ‘Boys will be boys’.”

“Whooaaa, don’t dump so much water on my head!!!!!!!”

 

 

If ya got fined by the Game Warden cuz ya cheated on the open-book portion of the Hunter’s License exam and he didn’t git notified of your illegal maneuver until after ya bagged a ten-pointer at the Fish & Wildlife Reserve behind the Thorp Pure Pork Sausages Enterprise plant, ya might be a redneck.

 

12:59PM-We were up in Ms. Rizk’s room and had to interrupt her Intro to Journalism-Lifetime Reports class. She was in the middle of discussing efficient methods on printing church bulletins when we knocked.

“I don’t know why you’re talking to me. I wouldn’t have anything to do with anything being smuggled in the gym. Have you talked to Coach Thorp?”

“He wasn’t in.”

“That figures. Recruit players to get their picture on the front page of the Milford Trumpet, then fly out of town on a luxury cruise, courtesy of Milford Travel. But that’s Gil.”

“Isn’t that a little odd? We keep finding answer sheets in the gym lockers and Gil is nowhere to be found.”

“He may be perpetually in absentia but he wouldn’t know what to do with stolen PSAT booklets. I did see a kid with a Mohawk in the girls’ gym when I was oiling my typewriter at the drinking fountain. He had reams of college-bound notebooks. He was headed to Mimi’s office.”

“Joe, that may lead us to something. Can’t hurt to look.”

“On it. Hope Mimi isn’t strangled with a lanyard from a referee’s whistle. Let’s go.”

 

P3 is just absolutely insulting our intelligence. Roger going on a wild goose chase to the Milford Dog Pound and finding out that Doug Funnie already paid the fine to get Porkchop out after Porkchop pee’d in Gil’s coffee at the Fellowship Breakfast at that Coffee Shop in P3 only makes a travesty out of a travesty.

Next thing you know, Roger will be looking in the ol’ swimming hole to see if Doug and Skeeter are in their birthday suits. Oh boy, don’t you just wonder if Roger is going to go through with it and plant those papers in Doug’s shorts?

“Mr. Funnie, why do you have a butt like Freezer Thompson?”

“Oh, gee, Mr. Bone, I’m sorry, I didn’t notice that bulge. I guess my butt had an erection.”

“Well, you march right to the boys room and adjust your pants before pre-algebra class. And don’t let me catch you with a boner in your crack again. We have decorum at this school and I intend to live by it.”

“Sure thing, Mr. Bone.”

 

Sure, stick some Cliff’s Note’s on The Taming of the Shrew up Patti Mayonnaise’s dress when Mr. Bone isn’t looking. Doug is sure to ace the Final on Shakespearean Theory if he doesn’t get caught. But if he does, not only will Mr. Bone make him sit on the bench and watch Phoebe coach the boys team since Gil is in The Bahamas, Doug’ll get suspended. Sound strategy. Use a plunger if the papers fall out.

 

“We’ll be back to see if Eddie Haskell has to go to Sing Sing after plotting crib notes in Beaver’s lunch box after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

HAIL HAIL ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

Knock!!!!!! Knock!!!!!! Knock!!!!!!

“Yeahhhhh?”

“Honey, it’s 1:00AM. Don’t you think you should come to bed? I’m all lonely and need some good vibrations.”

“Not now, Mrs. Shaw. I’m practicing for my upcoming gig at the Milford Lounge. I’m gonna do Chuck Berry one better. Why, I’ll be duck-walking in this bathtub before you can say ‘Chubby Checker’.”

“Darling, you need to unlock the door, put down the Jazz guitar and come to bed. I know you say it once belonged to John McLaughlin but that’s neither here nor there. Come to beddddyyyy-by, Honey Pie”

TOO MUCH MONKEY BUSINESS TOO MUCH MONKEY BUSINESS FOR MIMI ON THE COURT TO SEE

“My little Monkey, don’t you want to swing on a tree and be like Tarzan and jump on your precious Jane?”

“Woman, I’ll have the barstools rockin’ with Johnny B. Goode until the break of down

DOWN IN LOUISIANA, CLOSE TO NEW ORLEANS-

“Honey, you have no particular place to go when your Jazz guitar is more solid than your wim wim. Right?”

 

“How could I argue? I was goin’ to town but hadn’t reached my destination. But Milford Men’s Clinic changed all that. These new HARDCORE PLUS tablets took all the guesswork out of my Significant Other. Just a couple of tablets and a glass of water and Tarzan was truly King of the Jungle. The giraffes and lions ran off to see their Mama. And Mrs. Shaw was truly satisfied. She made the sweetest cinnamon Danish rolls at breakfast to seal our relationship. Come on down and get some Green Eggs and Ham for your limp garden hose and watch it spray. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

 

Gang, you make my world. And I don’t have to look in Mammoth Cave to find you. But Roger will go just about anywhere to exact revenge. I don’t think he’ll go to Antarctica. He wouldn’t stoop that low. Would he?

 

At the Indy 500

“I checked with the pit crew. They haven’t seen him.”

“I told you to look first in the library, dimwit.”

 

3:47PM-Bill and I drove over to the Coffee C Shoppe. We were told that the smugglers went there for cappuccino and doughnuts

“He about drained the Colombian pot dry. Thank God I ordered more Folger’s.”

“Did you see anything suspicious other than that? Did he stick the crib notes anywhere?”

“Yeah, Mr. Gannon, now that you mentioned it, he ordered a 3-piece chicken dinner, all-white, 2 breasts and a wing. He crammed something under the potato wedges. The biscuits were too small.”

“Any idea where he was going?”

“Said he was going to eat lunch at the Milford Trucking Terminal before he went back to work. What he does with crib notes and why he sticks ’em in an 18-wheeler is more than I know.”

“If he hides Chic-Lets in a flatbed, he’s still breaking the law.”

The obligatory zinger said and done, Joe says no more and he and Bill leave. They take their Powerball tickets with them.

 

To be continued

 

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