“Poor, poor Mark and his human problems.”
“Gil, take that shit-eating grin off your face, at least until he’s further down the street.”
“Oh that’s right, I ‘care’ about people. I just find the whole parent-child dynamic humorous and puzzling…Having never been a parent or a child myself.”
“Wait…er, didn’t we used to…?”
“Now, now, Mimi. On to my selfish issues: Will you coach for free for me this year?”
“Only if this strip acknowledges a women’s fall sport!”
“Screw that, I’m off to repost that Craigslist ad.”
We hereby interrupt the standing-around fantasticness of football practice to bring you… some crazy-ass crap!
Booster meeting? And who’s there to boost the team (Go Udlarks!, apparently…) Why it’s none other than Phil and the Milford crowd template. And who’s the lead booster? Why it’s none other than the infamous Wildcat Maris! Who’s that you ask? Who cares? All I know is his wife, Cougar Maris is going to be teaming up with Mrs. Drunklark, Kay “Sloppy Joe” Morgan, Peggy Wyche and Jolene Raptor in the new season of Real Housewives of Milford. I can’t wait.
In breaking news of the boring…
- Micah Huang still sucks as a pitcher. Why don’t they just let Slim Chance pitch every game, it’s not like the team plays more than once a week anyway.
- Marty Moon is still in his crate at the football stadium talking about baseball. He follows along pretty well for being drunk, in the wrong place and keeping his eyes closed the whole time.
- Wow, the recap of the game is even MORE uninteresting than the game itself. So why not feature a panel on it at joEY’s PIZzA (aNd DIScOUnT WiNDoW lETTerS)?
Oh hey the big protest rally that we’re just now hearing about? Yeah that was distracting me too…Say, here’s a better idea, why don’t we all just stop caring about the welfare of others, like the so-called protagonist of the strip does! Since boys are so oblivious they don’t need any guidance, and girls, well that’s Mimi’s problem to ignore, let’s just fire all the teachers, leaving room for Gil to finally sit in the only chair in the teacher’s lounge, plus then he can hoard all the personalized mugs those worthless educators leave behind.
Blah blah blah baseball blah blah blah whatever. Wait, what’s this, Gil and Kaz going out to get their drink on in some craptastic dive? Now you’re talking! There’s gotta be at least one drunken lout in there or possibly some grab-assy truckers (and not just name checking Bill Monroe or Patsy Cline and some scandalous underage beer drinking). Please oh please oh please.
*Panel three is one of the more amusing instances of recycled art that I can recall. Check out the panel from last year when it was just Kelly and Kaz heading to some other sleazy joint. Too bad Whigham paid enough attention to eliminate Kelly’s hand from
Kaz’s Gil’s chest.
In case you blacked out for most of 2010 (if so, good for you!), Slim Pickens and the Rejects were the cornerstone of last spring’s boring-ass plot. Not only is Rubin dragging these guys out of the dumpster this year, but Whigham is already half-assing it too, recycling half of last year’s art. What’s the over/under on the first mention of BACKYARD TIRE FIRE?
“Holy crap, Coach, if I wasn’t so high, I’d swear your name was written in bold letters across random items on your desk.”
“Well, if I wasn’t so drunk, I’d tell you my stolen baseball trophy completes the sentence, because it has the word ‘SUCKS’ engraved on it. Now remind me again…which burnout are you?”
“So I don’t think I imagined it, Kaz…There I was, having taken enough peyote that I was totally believing there was a goddamn bay window in my office. Some kid…um, Slim Fit was it? Well he wanders in, and asks if he can show up to the same number of games and practices that I attend each spring. Naturally, I thought that meant he didn’t want to play at all. But then he starts talking about a BACKYARD TIRE FIRE, so I ran out of the room screaming and then called 911. Anyway…now that I’m here, can you look up Rule 1 of baseball on that fancy computer of yours? I’m pretty sure it’s either ‘Each player must play ‘em all.’ or ‘No fat chicks.’ Either way, I’ll also need to borrow your sweats…my clothes disintegrated in that imaginary tire fire.”
“Uh, wow, that was a lot of trippin’ balls talk. But since nobody seems to care that we’re recycling all our panels now, let’s just pick this up again tomorrow.”
As an April Fool’s Day joke, Mimi attempts to have sex with Gil. Unfortunately, he ruins it as always with his constant thoughts of high school jocks.
Mysteries of the Moment:
- Who the hell is Kayla talking to?
- Will Lini get to his ventriloquism gig in the Catskills in time?
- Will Whigham ever draw Marty Moon again? (On the plus side, today’s rehash is from one of my recent favorite strips, featuring Stretch Armstong attack!)
Mystery of the Moment: Why will Milford never make the playdowns in any sport ever again?
- Gil is too drunk to care.
- Ever since Gil acquired Clambake’s “Baseball Participant” trophy (which appears to be slowly shrinking), he has more than enough shiny metal objects on his desk for one decade.
- Rubin will never learn to pace a story properly, thus making playdown plots impossible. (“Well kids, we won all our games this year! Unfortunately the championship game happened two months ago…The district just didn’t have the heart to tell us.”)
- All of the above.
I will ignore the fact that Lini has gone to Gil for advice. The entire episode is unrealistic enough…I mean, how does Gil even know the phrase “cyber-bully”? At least there’s some realism here: Gil nods off in mid-advice again.
Since there’s nothing more interesting to talk about, the mystery of the moment for your discussion:
- Which 1980s character has Lini stolen his wardrobe from? I’m going to guess Joey Lawrence.
Shocking Panel 1 Revelation:
“The administration” figured out how to block a website. My take: Kelly with her strong technical skills led Kaz to the server room, where she directed him to punch the crap out of the school’s dial-up modem.
Shocking Panel 2 Revelation:
The Goshen High Goshes have rebranded their school to the much slicker and sleeker “G High.” My take: The sign being cut off means the name is obviously longer…I’m guessing their new name is “Gil High School”, inspired of course by the popular local mug.
Shocking Panel 3 Revelation:
Everyone’s wrist is broken! My take: I don’t care.
Basketball season continues…
with the same result.
As every season.
That is to say: numerous plots, none of them anywhere close to resolved, or even interesting, carry on into late February. Then the Mudlarks play a boring game for a while. Even Marty Moon can’t be bothered to be any different than he was on January 17th. (At least the kid behind him changed shirts, so we’re no longer concerned the Green Lantern is in the building.) Wake me when Lini Verde becomes famous so I can sell him his damned domain name.*
*For all the aspiring entrepreneurs out there, I would like to announce that I’m willing to sell LiniVerde.com to the highest bidder. But make me an offer quickly, as you’ll want to beat a fictional character to the punch on owning this valuable item!
In a case that would be a tough nut for Kaz, P.I. to crack, the Jefferson Jeffs figure out that when #11 comes in, he will try to shoot the ball. So…they block it. So much for the complex Milford game plan! Too bad their other plan to add multiple unnecessary stripes all over the court hasn’t panned out either.
To keep things simple and lazy, Marty Moon repeats his pose from January 25th, complete with requisite claw hand preparing to strangle him (thanks to eagle-eye reader Regina for noticing this first…). Though looks like he’s changed into his black sweater…I guess it hides the chocolate cake stains better.
Under the bleachers:
“Hmm, they blocked the shots of the guy who we want to shoot the ball. Looks like some other team is not coached by morons.”
“Well, they can’t all be me, Kaz. At least that kid on our team who looks like me can pretend to coach while we sneak out the back door. I bet we can still catch the tail end of Happy Hour at PUB.”
Kid who looks like Gil: “[Nonsensical coach-speak].”
Guy who’d rather wear a sweater vest and tie: “No thanks to whatever that meant. I’d rather wear a sweater vest and tie. And a scarf. Oh and then go metrosexually boff your girlfriend.”
Gil Kid: “Boff?”
Two opposing players occupy the same physical space. That’s a foul! Defying the laws of spacial relations on the Jeff with a stringy mullet! That’ll be two shots from the stripe… Wait. Which stripe? This floor looks like a damned zebra.