The Hangover After The Taking Of Mudlark One Two Three

“Mr. Grey, you idiot. Chance’s files wouldn’t be under Ms. Rizk’s typewriter. Have you considered searching in the file cabinet in Dr. Pearl’s office?”

“That’s the difference between you and me, Mr. Blue. I do my own ransacking and it got me to Nixon’s papers. He turned in the tapes to the Milford Enquirer the very next day.”

“Hey, guys!!!! What the Hell are we looking for? His kindergarten records? His Due Process judgment after what he did to that kid at recess?”

“The concept is very simple, Mr. Green. We want to find anything to ruin Chance so he doesn’t even consider the Manwiches at the two-a-days next season. Utilize your machine gun if you have to in order to open the vault. It’s not on time-release so I’m afraid drastic measures may be in order.”

“Gee, thanks, Mr. Blue.”

“You’re quite welcome, Mr. Green.”

 

And BOY O BOY, to quote Harry Carey, we have hit the jackpot today on the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects.

WHAT in the world is that thing on the Macys’ table. A giant cookie? Gazoo’s flying saucer that got trashed by vandals 2 feet tall? DON’T EVEN tell me that’s an Eggo Waffle. Sure, Kellogg’s is starting a new product line of Eggos with raisins in them the size of a Whammo! Frisbee. If you don’t feel like eating it because you’re hung over like Chet in P3 or you’re on a low-bread-and pastry diet regimen, you can always enter the Frisbee Golf Tournament at Milford Beverage Warehouse with that disc flyin’ high. I’ll hit Captain Rum in par or less every time. Baby, I’m nailin’ that refrigerator door that’s housing the Coors Lite in the Warehouse Beer Den. No need to raise the flag, Gentlemen. In the hole.

Now you eat all your sausage bits from that Bucket Pan Lovers Sausage and Pepperoni Pizza, Mrs. Macy. There are starving kids in Oakwood who would devour a slice of that pepperoni. Oh, you gobbled that up already. My bad.

And does Mrs. Macy carry her Electric Shave apparatus to the table at breakfast time? Does she use it to shave Mr. Macy’s head after he evidently went a little overboard on the Rogaine? I mean, he was Lou Grant a month ago. Now he’s Grandpa Cleaver. The only other reason I can surmise at this point is the turkey they have in the oven. Gotta trim the fat the minute you pull it out of the oven. Leftover turkey with shards of lard is not a Thanksgiving tradition at the Macy’s, that much we know.

Now, I think the canister on the counter IS a cookie jar. When I open the lid, it’s either Oreos or Chips Ahoy! No Keebler Elves disguising it as a Mr. Coffee appliance. Now we’re dealing with Thorpiverse so on any given day, as I learned as a coach, be ready. There is so much parity nowadays in College Basketball. But for now, I’ll stick with my original guess, a cookie jar. Don’t talk yourself out of a victory, especially with 10 seconds to go.

 

If ya get drunk after yore kid hit the game-winning home run in the Milford Optimist League T-Ball Tournament and ya cain’t go ta Chuck E. Cheese’s ta celebrate cuz all them animated musicians up on stage, the ones they hocked from Milford Disneyland Park, are makin’ yore head spin that much more, especially when they’s playin’ the Mudlark Fight Song and Good ol’ Rocky Top, ya might be a redneck.

 

And I have been a fan of Ma and Pa Kettle for years, particularly this episode in P1, Ma and Pa Kettle in the Port-o-Let After They Consumed One Too Many Corn Dogs at the Milford County Fair. It ought to be out on DVD next week. I’ll check Milford Video this coming Monday.

 

“Mr. Brown, check in Coach Kaz’s desk. I understand that he was storing a letter he received from the Milford State Corrections Facility, clearing Chance to play football after not getting violent with his cellmates. The one that talks about his earning a Wal-Mart Good Job button. I couldn’t think of a more damaging piece of information to mar Chance’s record.”

“On it, Mr. Blue”

“Thank you very much, Mr. Brown.”

BUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

“This is Lieutenant Garber here. What are you doing out of Mudlark One Two Three, Blue? I thought you had hostages.”

“I revised my methods, Lieutenant Garber. I found I could garner more hostage money holding someone’s reputation at stake.”

AAAAAACCCHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO

“Gesundheit. Blue, how long you gonna stretch this thing out? I mean, Milford has a game tonight. Surely you aren’t going to rain on a kid’s parade?”

“Lieutenant Garber, we killers do what he have to do to attain the prize.”

“Even if it was Gil’s hair?”

“We killers are cold-blooded, not desperate, Lieutenant Garber.”

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Hostages Safe From Mudlark One Two Three After Killers Decide To Raid Milford School Corporation Building Annex For Sensitive Information!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Thorp: “It was just a one-night stand and we didn’t take off our clothes. And it was over 30 years ago. I  married her later.”

 

The consolation prize in all this is that Mrs. Roh actually LOOKS LIKE MRS. ROH. No Picasso distortions (Heard at Milford Arts and Science Museum: “Gravel Gertie looks so natural.”) , no Mary Worth disguised as Tootsie Bumstead, no Lois looking like Hi from Hi & Lois, no Hagar the Horrible With Emphasis on Horrible. She is in prime form as she is, through telekinesis from P1, continuing the message and gloating all the while. Gang, can anyone blame her? Thought so.

But, damn, just when it was about to get nominated in the Oscar Category for Best Improvement in Artwork, the silhouette in P2 took Thorpiverse out of the running. Oh well, there’ll be other Oscar ceremonies.

I mean, Chet is trashy and rednecky with that Dalton Georgia Warehouse Carpeting he calls a beard but let’s not get hasty and draw him like George Washington on Mount Rushmore when the latter forgot to shave.

Joe and Jane Tourist at Mount Rushmore one day

“Oh, look dear, the maintenance crew is sandblasting our Forefathers.”

“Honey, they’re just trimming Roosevelt’s mustache. And Jefferson had some 2-day shadow, that’s what the Park Ranger said.”

 

“How the Hell you expect me to find anything by Chance in Gil’s playbook, Mr. Blue? His whole goddam office’s got playbooks he hasn’t used since they landed on the moon.”

“Patience, Mr. Grey. Go to his personal water closet, you might find a picture of Chance caught masturbating on one of the lockers.”

“If you think for one second I’m going to check under the toilet seat-”

“This is Lieutenant Garber here, do you read me?”

“I read you loud and clear, Lieutenant Garber.”

“Hey, Okay, you got us for the moment. But leave alone the time my partner Lieutenant Patrone hid kiddie porn magazines in the equipment shed.  He was just a teenager. Gil threw ’em out and made him run 100 laps. Don’t you think that’s punishment enough? Gil never returned until basketball.”

AAAAAAAAAACCCCHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO

“Gesundheit. Whatya say, Blue?”

“We can work with that. We want a better football team, not worthless gossip.”

“You’re a pal, Blue.”

“Anytime, Lieutenant Garber. Mr. Green, it’s optimal that you don’t spray that Cruex Anti-Jock Itch can again. Besides, I’m afraid Gil’s office smells bad enough from the time he failed to curb his dog he brought in one Saturday.”

On the other end

“He bought it, Rico. Now where’s that back-up unit?”

“I called the Milford Police. They’re unavailable until after the reserve game.”

“Ya gotta be kiddin’ me. We got a game on the line.”

“Except we’re talking about saving Coach Thorp’s bacon.”

“Sheeesh, I forgot. Can they leave a quarter early?”

“I’ll ask.”

“Tell ’em split like Thorp and Kaz do at halftime.”

 

 

“BTW, Blue, I understand you know who shot Coach Shaw.”

“That is correct, Lieutenant Garber.”

“Well, can you tell me that much?”

“Certainly. it was-”

AAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“Gesundheit. Well, what about it?”

“I’m sorry, Lieutenant Garber. I’m afraid we have hazardous material all over Coach Thorp’s game films. You’ll have to allow me a few minutes while we tidy things. (Off the walkie-talkie) “Mr. Green, did you fail to take a Contac again? Mr. Brown, see if there’s Sani-Wipes in Coach Thorp’s gym bags. We don’t want to ruin the 2014 season.”

“Right away, Mr. Blue.”

“How long are we going to put up with TNT snout, Mr. Blue?

“We’ve put up with Gil’s coaching for longer than that. Do you want mucus all over the prairie windows for 60 years, Mr. Grey?”

“Better than waiting for this plot to end, Mr. Blue.”

 

P3 just about says it all. Any of you Mountain fans like yours truly knows that on their classic Flowers of Evil (MISSISSIPPI QUEEN, DA DA DA DA DA, YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN…) was a song titled “One Last Cold Kiss”. The last lines of the tune

Once so proud, he’s beaten now

He will not speak at all

Pretty well sums up the song and Mr. Ballard at the breakfast table. That, or he didn’t eat his Wheaties or that Archway Cookie Herman Munster Always Chows Down On Before He Leaves To Go To Work. But I’m goin’ for the sure out on this bad boy. Don’t prolong the inning.

BTW, did anybody check the score? Look again at Mrs. Roh’s cell phone.

 

“Mr. Grey, I won’t say it again. Hand in your gun, Grouch glasses and Gil’s hair so we can all get out of here.”

Up yours, Mr. Blue. At least Gil doesn’t hide behind these Groucho glasses when he’s confronting the ref.”

BLAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

“Gentlemen, let us depart. Rest in peace, Mr. Grey. He was going to work with the Milford cafeteria ladies when he got out of this-

BLAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Mr. Brown is shot dead in the Mudlark Girls Gym. Mr. Green escapes through Mimi’s office with Chance’s Boys Town records, especially the citationwhen he was flogged 150 times for saying Father Flanagan never married because Gil beat him to it, and takes a couple of scorebooks that wouldn’t be used until the 2023 season. Extra Kleenex for his sniffles.

“Excuse me, would you mind turnin’ around and droppin’ it? Drop it, I say.”

Mr. Blue drops his gun, scratching the woodwork in the gym.

“Lieutenant Garber.”

“Mr. Blue.”

“Tell me, do you still execute your prisoners?”

“Naw, we ain’t into cruel and unusual punishment no more. Not since The Bucket was converted from a Bed & Breakfast that Gil’s granddad owned before he croaked eatin’ Munchos.”

“Pity.”

Mr. Blue uses his foot to kick on Mimi’s boom box and turns up volume. The Tremeloes’ “Silence is Golden” and the “Flintstones Chewables Theme Song” is blaring from the speakers, motivational tools Mimi uses to get her kids to handle the enemy crowd during the 5-game season.

Mr. Blue’s ears are smoking and his brain is turning into mush.

“Oh my God.”

 

“We will return to the exciting conclusion of The Taking of Mudlark One Two Three after these messages, here on WDIG-TV.”

 

“Man, I wouldn’t want to be in Mr. Blues shoes right about now. Fans have always said my brain is fried but never literally. My noggin is still intact after that end-around takes a loss for 10 yards.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp here. And I got a better way of handling stress and everyday living. That’s why I am proud to announce my new product, Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. Now I know a lot of you prefer Jimmy Dean or Tennessee Pride. To heck with them. What do they put in their sausage anyway? Word’s out that when the pigs go to the Milford Slaughterhouse that they shoot them Yorkshires buckshot full of lead. I’ve heard of fillers but this is taking things too far. Do you want to eat scrambled eggs and smoky links with bullets from a .22? How do you stick the rifle in the poor pig’s mouth? The slaughter dude evidently has good aim. Or lots of practice.

And I understand that Tennessee Pride stuffs their hogs with Bucket Burgers. Yuck. Don’t know boutchoo, but I don’t want sausages on the griddle that are laced with Big Mac’s. My sausages use the finest ingredients that are seasoned with the finest of spices, just like my mom used to get at the Milford General Store. Whenever I sink my teeth into Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage, I remember the cumin and the thyme mom used to dump on my pancakes. After she poured Aunt Jemima, naturally.

And Mel Purnell is Goooood but, shoot, who wants a hog on the front cover of the package? That’s why me and Mimi and the kids are on every package that you buy at the Milford IGA or Milford Wal-Mart or wherever you shop. Don’t we look natural posing in front of my cousin’s pig farm? You think Dr. Pearl can pose any better on HER sausage package? And Keri rode a 9-year-old female after the photo shoot. Maybe you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear but you sure can ride ’em cowboy before they become the sausage patties you eat after you’ve eaten your toast and drunk your Minute Maid.

Especially the ones we make at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage. Come taste the difference and see why we say “Don’t get bitter just because our pigs are better.” You deserve some good eatin’ and you’ll get it with Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage.”

 

Gang, have at it. In the meantime, I would like to pull a plug for Mel Purnell and his family. They are solid people who have done a ton for the community. They prove that the product is Goooooooodddd because the people are. I salute you, Mel and family.

 

WE ARE FLINTSTONES KIDS 10 MILLION STRONNNGGGGGGGGGG AND GROWWWIINGGGG

“Attaway, Daphne!!!!!!!!!!!! You looked smooth on the lay-up. Goshen can’t put their crowd on the floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Lieutenant Garber and Lieutenant Patrone knocking on the door of the Ballard’s residence. Chet hides most of the pilfered records of Chance in the bottom drawer of his bureau, under all his packages of Hanes he’s amassed over all the Christmas’s he got from his wife. The rest he crams in the Amana stove in the kitchen.

I’M COMING

“How many more do we gotta see?”

“Six.”

“Yikes. Times like these I wish I went into real estate.”

“Come on, Mr. Ballard, we haven’t got all day!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I’M COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Opens the door

“What’s up?”

“Can we come in?”

“Sure!!!!!!!!!!! Make yourself at home!!!!!!!!!!”

“Appreciate the pleasantries but can you account for your whereabouts last night? Chance Macy’s records were stolen.”

“You’re kiddin’ me.”

“Would I be here if I was kiddin’?”

“I was working.”

“Working? I thought you sold insurance.”

“I’m a forklift operator  for Milford Foundry on 2nd shift.”

“Can they verify that?”

“Garber, while you’re talking to him, I need a smoke.”

“Okay, Rico.”

“Let me turn on that stove in the kitchen-”

I’LL GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

“It’s a bit tricky. These Amana stoves are as fickle as Gil’s coaching. There, enjoy your Camels.”

“Thanks, Mr. Ballard.”

“Come on, Rico, let’s go. We’ll be back later with a warrant, Mr. Ballard.”

“Look, I know I’m the black sheep of Milford but I would never stoop so low as to do that. I want my own step-son to succeed on the gridiron but I would never be a mole. Now do me a favor, get the Hell outta here!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Sorry to bother you, Mr. Ballard.”

As Lieutenant Garber shuts door

AAAAACCCCCCHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO

“Gesundheit.”

Lieutenant Garber re-opens door.

And the stove door pops open.

Oh, What a Feeling!

Is Chance trying out for the cheerleading squad or auditioning to sell Toyotas?

I realize I’m dating myself with the latter reference (“Ok Boomer” is the pissy way the kids are saying it this week IIRC). Speaking of pissy, nice shift from pissy-faced to all smiles by old Gildeaux there. You’d think Gil would be having a cow about one of his starters benching himself with a fake injury to give his backup some playing time, but it didn’t faze him that much when True Standish did it for Jarrod Hale a few years back.

Nope, Gil’s just relieved that Chance is staying away from The Bucket, where they have sharp utensils handy. Better Macy and his shadow teammates punch the air harmlessly, another audition to shill old Toyotas…

 

I’m not sure anybodys ready.

No color today as the Seattle strip wouldnt load. So Chance confides in Gil that he’s essentially recovering from whatever condition he has (had before). Or at least he feels he can control himself. Wonderful. He even says playing football is major progress for him given his condition.

Meanwhile, we havent had a game in over 2 weeks, and as the falling leaves indicate, the season should be winding to a close, and playoff positioning finalized. The coaches shouldnt be worrying at this point about some kid who isnt even sure he’s up to the task of playing for them. Hey gang, if he is the Least bit unsure, tell him to take a hike right this minute and concentrate on getting better, I mean Really better. Cuz at this juncture, all he can do is further distract a team who we dont really have a handle on due to the lack of games lately ( hey thanks Chet for your contributions to slowing down the pace of pigskin play).

So we have our solution to this problem right in front of us. Lets see how quick Gil pulls the trigger and cuts  Chance from the team.  I wager they dick around for another week and I’ll be rehashing this crap-ola next Friday.

I Never Get Blowtop Mad On The First Date.

Chet and Charlie discuss the game with Chet at full speed singing the praises of Charlie’s game. Charlie takes the high road, thinking of the TEAM first. Don’t that beat all.

Gang, let me first off announce that those of you with kids who play sports or are thinking of playing sports, your career, win, lose, or draw, will go a lot smoother and happier if you encourage your son or daughter to put the TEAM first. He or she will be on more teams that way. You’ve helped your chances anyway.

When I was encouraging my nephew, the Chet’s of this world were the loneliest creatures on the planet. They were in a lawn chair or in the bleachers all by themselves. They were the ones who talked about how their son scored 45 points and the coach sat him on the bench. What Chet WON’T tell you is the team lost, his son allowed his man to torch him for 47 points, and he blew the lay-up that would have won the game. Chet has selective memory.

THEREFORE, don’t do what Chet is doing in P1, in other words. Chet is myopic in relation to Milford Mudlark football. Did he bring his Texas Instrument TI-30 calculator when he computed the average? I don’t know if that one has a slide rule or a metric equivalent. I’m curious to see what his yards per carry efficiency on 3rd downs was in meters. And does it have a graphing function. Chet, you better double-check to see if his stock is rising, literally. If it stalls right about when the linear function crosses the y-graph, I’d worry. Coach might bench him. The first-stringers are always in the first quadrant.

Really, where DID Chet get that info? Okay, the calculator but did he slip a steno pad past the turnstiles and after he put all his coins and handgun in the tray so the metal detector wouldn’t play the Mudlark Fight Song? Chet, as long as you were going to write facts and figures on your pad, write down another figure, when you think of it, of course: The final score.

I understand steno pads at Office Supply sell briskly on that concept.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Leads Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League In Yards Per Catch Clutch Efficiency On Second Down With A 5.4 Greatest Common Factor!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It woulda been higher but some safety ripped my shorts off when he grabbed the flag so they called back my TD run.”

 

Ok, kiddies, we have a special nursery rhyme that beats “3 Blind Mice” and “Jack and Jill” the way Tilden beat Milford, sneak up on you then have a sense of urgency when the script forgot to print the score up until the last 30 seconds

Chet and Charlie

Rode on their Harley

To practice at the football field

 

Gil wasn’t coaching

Kaz went poaching

Chet’s beard had lost its appeal

 

So did his overbearing demeanor but I couldn’t fit that in the nursery rhyme and couldn’t find something that rhymes with “Step-parent needs to get a life.”

 

And don’t get me wrong. Your kid has to have fun and has to enjoy the sport and that has to be the #1 priority. If you win, that goes at the bottom of the list. Sure, losing sucks and winning IS a priority but a BOTTOM priority.

That said, avoid clubhouse lawyers like Chet. Believe me, if your kid is in involved in sports, you’ll run into them. One reason why I think “Ball Four” by Jim Bouton is a waste of time is that he spends a lot of time talking about his individual performance and not about the TEAM performance. Check out the appendix in the back. It is nothing but Jim statistics which is understandable but they’re slanted so that everything’s about Jim and NOT the team. I give every book a chance. This book blew its own because if you want the TEAM to win, you really can’t have the mindset of this book. And Pete Rose, BTW, was not always popular, being a fierce competitor will do that. And a fierce competitor wouldn’t be taking greenies as alleged in the book. I don’t blame ya, Pete, for being upset.

Anyway, encourage your kid to be a TEAM player along with having fun. You might be surprised how many teams he or she makes.

 

I was fascinated by a town in Greece I read about that has survived well before the BC era to the present. Knowing that Agrippina, a public speaker in the 5th century BC who edited Pindaric odes and Aeschylus’ memoirs, came from the same town as members of Buffalo Springfield (or the equivalent, I forgot which)

Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Remains Of Thorpolos And His Playbook, Not To Mention His Exegesis On Plato’s Rough Draft Of ‘The Republic’, Discovered While Milford Toyota Plant Works On Prius Expansion!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford breaks record for differential between 4 B.C., the confirmed birth of Thorpolos, according to the Anthropology Department at Milford CC, and the birth of Gil at 1958. Previous record was Dr. Pearl’s great-aunt born during the Second Crusade.”

 

Nice to see Charlie Roh doing his best Lyle Lovett impersonation. And Lyle is really the one who is the voice of reason in the present discussion. I always admired (and still do) players who take responsibility for the loss because when you lose, you ALWAYS look inward. It doesn’t do any good to play the blame game at anyone else. In sports, GOOD drives out BAD (believe me) and if you’re winning, politics does not play an overriding factor. Sure, a player’s parent may hate your guts because you’re a Cub fan (couldn’t resist, Robmize) but if people want to win, the politics are normally kept to a minimum.

Okay, that out of the way, Lyle is, take your pick,  transmogrifying into the pupal stages of The Incredible Hulk, is beset with a bad case of zits from all those Snickers he snarfed before the game, or this is a continuation of the Night Gallery segment, “Caterpillar”, and the eggs have escaped the sufferer’s ear and are currently crawling all over his face. Now some of you faint-hearted wussies are steering the easy way out by saying that Charlie, or Lyle in disguise at the Grand Ole Opry, is sweating. C’mon, in THORPIVERSE??? When was the last time sweat actually looked like sweat or they drew those players in the background so we’re not engaged in another episode of “Creature from the Black Lagoon? I bet once those shadowy lizards remove their helmets, they’ll be afflicted with baby caterpillars on their faces too.

And you can’t cheat and say that that’s Minnie Pearl with Milford Cold Cream all over her face to remove the creeping warts that are engaged in a parasite-host relationship. Charlie’s a guy, remember?

 

Chet fed Charlie

A whole lotta barley

To boost his running game

 

Charlie met trouble

When he farted in bubbles

Now his bowels won’t be the same

 

Now we get to the clinical portion of the strip. Grandpa (we think) Macy is trying to imitate Dr. Phil by spouting out terms he learned the other day watching the show while dipping his Milford IGA Restaurant Chips into the IGA Tostitos Salsa Dip.

What the Hell does he mean by “situationally mad”? “Blowtop mad”? Like us readers are supposed to know the difference. Sure, Grandpa, if Chance racks the guy’s nuts, it was because he was situationally mad because the situation, as in baseball, called for the aforementioned action because the Tilden jerk called Chance’s mom all kinds of names, unprintable on this Christian website. If the Tilden jerk said something about Gil’s mom and said she raised him to be an incompetent coach who couldn’t find the end zone even with a AAA Travelogue, well, it’s probably true but THAT’S when you get blowtop mad and blow the Tilden player’s head off with a bazooka. Gotta stick together against the enemy.

Gang, aren’t you getting situationally mad at the one-size-fits-all artwork in relation to Grandma Macy (don’t hold your breath on that one) ? The other day she was Mary Tyler Moore who was married to Rob Petrie. He couldn’t trip over the ottoman because Gil was desperate and had to use it as a blocking dummy. School budget cutbacks, y’know. Anyway, MTM got her glasses courtesy of the Buy One Get The Second One 1/2 Price (Canadian dollars accepted) . Today, she’s the female member of Fairport Convention. Yeah, groovy,  man, #53 is way out, like in Mudlarkland. A real square. Don’t let him upset you, Chance. Instant karma will run his ass over. Just look what that semi did to Booby’s friend. Booby got his.

And I think it is the neatest trick in the book for Grandpa Jones/Walton/Macy to throw his voice and let his forehead to do all the talking. The Tilden Jerk couldn’t do that out of his butt and not use Charmin. Pity.

 

If ya git pig doo-doo all over yore face cuz ya won first prize at the Hog-Callin’ portion of the Milford County Fair Pig Exhibit Expo ’19 cuz yore voice proved ta be a little too irresistable ta Miz Piggy and the rest of her Yorkshire clan, ya might be a redneck.

 

“My God, Fred!!!!!!!!!!!! Aunt Ethyl’s got a spheroid lodged in her skull!!!!!!!!! And who’s that giant out there walking off with Uncle Morton in his casket?”

“Hell with Uncle Morton!!!!!!!!! He owed me money anyway!!!!!!!!! Call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Folks, it was a Nightmare on Elm Street until I called The Shark. Then It Was a Wonderful Life. George Bailey had real money coming in and he didn’t have to rely on angels or the Milford Civitan Club to wheel it in. We could lower our aunt and uncle 6 feet under, knowing we had money in our pockets. Joe even paid for the funeral programs at Milford Funeral Solutions. What a swell guy.”

“You heard it from Fred Snerdley. When creepy people who should not be ordering Bucket Shish Kabob from the menu, let alone walking the streets of Milford toting Gil’s grandfather, it is time to act. Tall Man may have thrown one spheroid missile too many at the Tilden Jerk, but decent people like Fred Snerdley need to be justly compensated when the Tall Man barges in on the Nude Swimming Party. Granted, Aunt Ethyl looked unsightly in her birthday suit.  What 93-year-old doesn’t? She still should have been spared the weaponry and I proved that by fighting the insurance companies when Mr. Snerdley made a claim. And the Tall Man will have to loosen his checkbook to the tune of $4, 739, 023, 912. If he can afford to carry corpses around, he’s got the money.”

“I was able to fix the cracks in the pool and clean the blood stains on the diving board. And I can put away some for my grandkids to attend Milford Community College. My grandson wants to be a sanitation engineer. The rest I put in escrow. Thanks, Shark.”

“Sounds like a happy ending to me. Get your own Flintstones happy ending, where that tuba is really blaring, and call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. Insurance companies are hard at work hauling caskets on the Santa Fe Trail. Don’t let them beat you to Oklahoma. Get the money you deserve so you can play “Home on the Range” on your tuba in the evening. You’ll be glad you did.

 

Time to go to work, Gang. If you need me, I’ll be at the Grand Ole Opry. I want to get there early so I can get a front row seat for the Lyle Lovett concert. I understand Gil is the opening act. I thought his comedy died the way Aunt Ethyl did. Guess not.

 

Chet lectured Charlie

His hair was Bob Marley

But, Chet, my running 4 TD’s settled all bets

 

Better stay humble

You coughed up 2 fumbles

And DAMMIT QUIT CALLING ME CHET

 

At The Bucket drive-in area

“May I (swoooooshhhh) take your (swiiiiiiiiiiishhhhhhh) order?”

CRACKLE

“Uh, yeah, I’ll have the Bucket Triple Cheeseburger, no onions or pickles, an order of fries, and-what do you want?-she’ll have the Bucket Pork Rib Sandwich, extra cayenne, and a Tub o’ Bucket Buffalo Fries-)

“(swwwwoooooooshhhh, crackle crackle) Ya want somethin’ ta drink (swiiiiiiiiiiiisssshhhhhh) ?

CRACKLE

“Yeah, give us-

SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM

“What’s WRONG”

“What is Coach Thorp doing, climbing out of your trunk!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No idea. Oh, hey, Coach. Sorry about that clipping. Coach Kaz will work on it tomorr-

BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

The Air In the Front Yard Is Cooler Than the Air Coming Out of You*

Back from a brief hiatus and feeling a bit refreshed. Know what else would be refreshing? A story arc about a player who just wants to get better and actually gets better through coaching. A kid whose parents are simply supportive of his or her interests and not trying to live vicariously through them or project their own shortcomings onto them.

But that would be asking too much, wouldn’t it? Far easier to trot out the cardboard villain adult who puts it where it doesn’t belong to try to advance their kid’s causes for their own selfish motives. Here busybody Ballard feels that need to for reasons known only to him. Where does he plan to use his observation about Chance Macy? As evidence that the kid is too gassed/hurt to come out to party** and, as such, deserves to be benched in favor of Charlie? Or that his not coming out to party is evidence that he’s not a team player and, as such, deserves to be benched in favor of Charlie?

Either way, it’ll be another strike against Ballard, whose big swing and a miss on Tiki Jansen makes this strike two.

*Alternate title: Chet Ballard, Backdoor Man. Is that an actual transom above the Schuring’s back door?

**Pretty confident of the Schurings to plan a postgame victory party at their house, innit?

Ceci n’est pas une school board meeting.

Running both the color and B&W versions today as a sanity check.

If this is not a school board meeting, then what is it exactly? Some well-connected kid using his connections to get what he wants from a school board that doesn’t want the public to know how readily it caves to that well-connected kid? No wonder nobody wants it made public. Rubin’s left so many dots for us to connect, like those dots on the sidewalk Steve Luhm forgot to sweep up.

So much posturing going on here. Hadley brought her prop, Ed; Ballard (wearing a suit with weird-ass lapels only The Riddler could love) brought his: tiny Carol and another yet-to-be-named ventriloquist’s dummy school board member lady. There’s also an official-looking seal behind Ballard that some Mudlark must have made in shop class, and an American flag that may be displayed in violation of the US Flag Code if there’s an unseen State of Milford flag to its right. Speaking of unseen, Ballard better watch his back before that shadowy figure stabs it.

 

The 20th Hole?

Gee, it’s been a while since Gil and Mimi had a foursome. When was the last time we saw them with Kaz and Kelly? Last Christmas? Oh, wait, it’s not that kind of foursome.  Just four shadowy figures sitting beneath an impossibly tall patio umbrella.

Speaking of shadowy figures, our weekend cliffhanger threatens to take us inside the inner workings of the star chamber that is the Milford School Board. Carol, who looks suspiciously like Ray Walston or Dr. Pearl (minus the bun) is dissuading the hirsute Mr. (no first name yet) Ballard from bringing up the matter of Tiki. Pray tell why? Tune in on Monday…

Alls well that ends well (of course we know better)

Looks like the girls softball story will have a happy ending after all. No way theyre gonna blow the last game to lock up the conference. We’ve seen at most 7 games this season in 3 months. . (No I’m not gonna scroll back and check, thats for our resident statistician)

So really – nice that Mimi forgot all about the multiple distractions, and because of ONE WIN on the road no less, its all good again. Hmmm. And oh by the way, how are the boys doing? Who cares? Even Gil is warming up the lemonade maker.

***Okay– I looked back, and here’s what I found.

The girls record was 7-2. They played Oakwood twice in a row and also Tilden two straight. They lost to Madison and Tilden, who they were 2-1 against this year. 9 games in 8 weeks. Hardly very busy as most teams play about 25 games in 5 weeks.

Now they play Valley Tech again and would finish 6-2 in the conference if they win. They played 4 other teams in the conference, making it a 5-team league. Why not play Madison twice instead of Tilden 3 times? No sense. Its also not fair 1 team getting 2 home games in that series. Feel free to explain any of this.

And we havent talked about playoffs either, but who has time for that when there’s lemonade to drink?

The boys played 2 games. Total. I believe they were 1-1. Whoopee.