This Week in Milford

October 10, 2019

I Never Get Blowtop Mad On The First Date.

Filed under: ?, football, Just plain sad, Pissy faced minor character, shadow figures, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 7:21 am

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Chet and Charlie discuss the game with Chet at full speed singing the praises of Charlie’s game. Charlie takes the high road, thinking of the TEAM first. Don’t that beat all.

Gang, let me first off announce that those of you with kids who play sports or are thinking of playing sports, your career, win, lose, or draw, will go a lot smoother and happier if you encourage your son or daughter to put the TEAM first. He or she will be on more teams that way. You’ve helped your chances anyway.

When I was encouraging my nephew, the Chet’s of this world were the loneliest creatures on the planet. They were in a lawn chair or in the bleachers all by themselves. They were the ones who talked about how their son scored 45 points and the coach sat him on the bench. What Chet WON’T tell you is the team lost, his son allowed his man to torch him for 47 points, and he blew the lay-up that would have won the game. Chet has selective memory.

THEREFORE, don’t do what Chet is doing in P1, in other words. Chet is myopic in relation to Milford Mudlark football. Did he bring his Texas Instrument TI-30 calculator when he computed the average? I don’t know if that one has a slide rule or a metric equivalent. I’m curious to see what his yards per carry efficiency on 3rd downs was in meters. And does it have a graphing function. Chet, you better double-check to see if his stock is rising, literally. If it stalls right about when the linear function crosses the y-graph, I’d worry. Coach might bench him. The first-stringers are always in the first quadrant.

Really, where DID Chet get that info? Okay, the calculator but did he slip a steno pad past the turnstiles and after he put all his coins and handgun in the tray so the metal detector wouldn’t play the Mudlark Fight Song? Chet, as long as you were going to write facts and figures on your pad, write down another figure, when you think of it, of course: The final score.

I understand steno pads at Office Supply sell briskly on that concept.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Leads Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League In Yards Per Catch Clutch Efficiency On Second Down With A 5.4 Greatest Common Factor!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It woulda been higher but some safety ripped my shorts off when he grabbed the flag so they called back my TD run.”

 

Ok, kiddies, we have a special nursery rhyme that beats “3 Blind Mice” and “Jack and Jill” the way Tilden beat Milford, sneak up on you then have a sense of urgency when the script forgot to print the score up until the last 30 seconds

Chet and Charlie

Rode on their Harley

To practice at the football field

 

Gil wasn’t coaching

Kaz went poaching

Chet’s beard had lost its appeal

 

So did his overbearing demeanor but I couldn’t fit that in the nursery rhyme and couldn’t find something that rhymes with “Step-parent needs to get a life.”

 

And don’t get me wrong. Your kid has to have fun and has to enjoy the sport and that has to be the #1 priority. If you win, that goes at the bottom of the list. Sure, losing sucks and winning IS a priority but a BOTTOM priority.

That said, avoid clubhouse lawyers like Chet. Believe me, if your kid is in involved in sports, you’ll run into them. One reason why I think “Ball Four” by Jim Bouton is a waste of time is that he spends a lot of time talking about his individual performance and not about the TEAM performance. Check out the appendix in the back. It is nothing but Jim statistics which is understandable but they’re slanted so that everything’s about Jim and NOT the team. I give every book a chance. This book blew its own because if you want the TEAM to win, you really can’t have the mindset of this book. And Pete Rose, BTW, was not always popular, being a fierce competitor will do that. And a fierce competitor wouldn’t be taking greenies as alleged in the book. I don’t blame ya, Pete, for being upset.

Anyway, encourage your kid to be a TEAM player along with having fun. You might be surprised how many teams he or she makes.

 

I was fascinated by a town in Greece I read about that has survived well before the BC era to the present. Knowing that Agrippina, a public speaker in the 5th century BC who edited Pindaric odes and Aeschylus’ memoirs, came from the same town as members of Buffalo Springfield (or the equivalent, I forgot which)

Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Remains Of Thorpolos And His Playbook, Not To Mention His Exegesis On Plato’s Rough Draft Of ‘The Republic’, Discovered While Milford Toyota Plant Works On Prius Expansion!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford breaks record for differential between 4 B.C., the confirmed birth of Thorpolos, according to the Anthropology Department at Milford CC, and the birth of Gil at 1958. Previous record was Dr. Pearl’s great-aunt born during the Second Crusade.”

 

Nice to see Charlie Roh doing his best Lyle Lovett impersonation. And Lyle is really the one who is the voice of reason in the present discussion. I always admired (and still do) players who take responsibility for the loss because when you lose, you ALWAYS look inward. It doesn’t do any good to play the blame game at anyone else. In sports, GOOD drives out BAD (believe me) and if you’re winning, politics does not play an overriding factor. Sure, a player’s parent may hate your guts because you’re a Cub fan (couldn’t resist, Robmize) but if people want to win, the politics are normally kept to a minimum.

Okay, that out of the way, Lyle is, take your pick,  transmogrifying into the pupal stages of The Incredible Hulk, is beset with a bad case of zits from all those Snickers he snarfed before the game, or this is a continuation of the Night Gallery segment, “Caterpillar”, and the eggs have escaped the sufferer’s ear and are currently crawling all over his face. Now some of you faint-hearted wussies are steering the easy way out by saying that Charlie, or Lyle in disguise at the Grand Ole Opry, is sweating. C’mon, in THORPIVERSE??? When was the last time sweat actually looked like sweat or they drew those players in the background so we’re not engaged in another episode of “Creature from the Black Lagoon? I bet once those shadowy lizards remove their helmets, they’ll be afflicted with baby caterpillars on their faces too.

And you can’t cheat and say that that’s Minnie Pearl with Milford Cold Cream all over her face to remove the creeping warts that are engaged in a parasite-host relationship. Charlie’s a guy, remember?

 

Chet fed Charlie

A whole lotta barley

To boost his running game

 

Charlie met trouble

When he farted in bubbles

Now his bowels won’t be the same

 

Now we get to the clinical portion of the strip. Grandpa (we think) Macy is trying to imitate Dr. Phil by spouting out terms he learned the other day watching the show while dipping his Milford IGA Restaurant Chips into the IGA Tostitos Salsa Dip.

What the Hell does he mean by “situationally mad”? “Blowtop mad”? Like us readers are supposed to know the difference. Sure, Grandpa, if Chance racks the guy’s nuts, it was because he was situationally mad because the situation, as in baseball, called for the aforementioned action because the Tilden jerk called Chance’s mom all kinds of names, unprintable on this Christian website. If the Tilden jerk said something about Gil’s mom and said she raised him to be an incompetent coach who couldn’t find the end zone even with a AAA Travelogue, well, it’s probably true but THAT’S when you get blowtop mad and blow the Tilden player’s head off with a bazooka. Gotta stick together against the enemy.

Gang, aren’t you getting situationally mad at the one-size-fits-all artwork in relation to Grandma Macy (don’t hold your breath on that one) ? The other day she was Mary Tyler Moore who was married to Rob Petrie. He couldn’t trip over the ottoman because Gil was desperate and had to use it as a blocking dummy. School budget cutbacks, y’know. Anyway, MTM got her glasses courtesy of the Buy One Get The Second One 1/2 Price (Canadian dollars accepted) . Today, she’s the female member of Fairport Convention. Yeah, groovy,  man, #53 is way out, like in Mudlarkland. A real square. Don’t let him upset you, Chance. Instant karma will run his ass over. Just look what that semi did to Booby’s friend. Booby got his.

And I think it is the neatest trick in the book for Grandpa Jones/Walton/Macy to throw his voice and let his forehead to do all the talking. The Tilden Jerk couldn’t do that out of his butt and not use Charmin. Pity.

 

If ya git pig doo-doo all over yore face cuz ya won first prize at the Hog-Callin’ portion of the Milford County Fair Pig Exhibit Expo ’19 cuz yore voice proved ta be a little too irresistable ta Miz Piggy and the rest of her Yorkshire clan, ya might be a redneck.

 

“My God, Fred!!!!!!!!!!!! Aunt Ethyl’s got a spheroid lodged in her skull!!!!!!!!! And who’s that giant out there walking off with Uncle Morton in his casket?”

“Hell with Uncle Morton!!!!!!!!! He owed me money anyway!!!!!!!!! Call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Folks, it was a Nightmare on Elm Street until I called The Shark. Then It Was a Wonderful Life. George Bailey had real money coming in and he didn’t have to rely on angels or the Milford Civitan Club to wheel it in. We could lower our aunt and uncle 6 feet under, knowing we had money in our pockets. Joe even paid for the funeral programs at Milford Funeral Solutions. What a swell guy.”

“You heard it from Fred Snerdley. When creepy people who should not be ordering Bucket Shish Kabob from the menu, let alone walking the streets of Milford toting Gil’s grandfather, it is time to act. Tall Man may have thrown one spheroid missile too many at the Tilden Jerk, but decent people like Fred Snerdley need to be justly compensated when the Tall Man barges in on the Nude Swimming Party. Granted, Aunt Ethyl looked unsightly in her birthday suit.  What 93-year-old doesn’t? She still should have been spared the weaponry and I proved that by fighting the insurance companies when Mr. Snerdley made a claim. And the Tall Man will have to loosen his checkbook to the tune of $4, 739, 023, 912. If he can afford to carry corpses around, he’s got the money.”

“I was able to fix the cracks in the pool and clean the blood stains on the diving board. And I can put away some for my grandkids to attend Milford Community College. My grandson wants to be a sanitation engineer. The rest I put in escrow. Thanks, Shark.”

“Sounds like a happy ending to me. Get your own Flintstones happy ending, where that tuba is really blaring, and call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. Insurance companies are hard at work hauling caskets on the Santa Fe Trail. Don’t let them beat you to Oklahoma. Get the money you deserve so you can play “Home on the Range” on your tuba in the evening. You’ll be glad you did.

 

Time to go to work, Gang. If you need me, I’ll be at the Grand Ole Opry. I want to get there early so I can get a front row seat for the Lyle Lovett concert. I understand Gil is the opening act. I thought his comedy died the way Aunt Ethyl did. Guess not.

 

Chet lectured Charlie

His hair was Bob Marley

But, Chet, my running 4 TD’s settled all bets

 

Better stay humble

You coughed up 2 fumbles

And DAMMIT QUIT CALLING ME CHET

 

At The Bucket drive-in area

“May I (swoooooshhhh) take your (swiiiiiiiiiiishhhhhhh) order?”

CRACKLE

“Uh, yeah, I’ll have the Bucket Triple Cheeseburger, no onions or pickles, an order of fries, and-what do you want?-she’ll have the Bucket Pork Rib Sandwich, extra cayenne, and a Tub o’ Bucket Buffalo Fries-)

“(swwwwoooooooshhhh, crackle crackle) Ya want somethin’ ta drink (swiiiiiiiiiiiisssshhhhhh) ?

CRACKLE

“Yeah, give us-

SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM

“What’s WRONG”

“What is Coach Thorp doing, climbing out of your trunk!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No idea. Oh, hey, Coach. Sorry about that clipping. Coach Kaz will work on it tomorr-

BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

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September 18, 2019

The Air In the Front Yard Is Cooler Than the Air Coming Out of You*

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Back from a brief hiatus and feeling a bit refreshed. Know what else would be refreshing? A story arc about a player who just wants to get better and actually gets better through coaching. A kid whose parents are simply supportive of his or her interests and not trying to live vicariously through them or project their own shortcomings onto them.

But that would be asking too much, wouldn’t it? Far easier to trot out the cardboard villain adult who puts it where it doesn’t belong to try to advance their kid’s causes for their own selfish motives. Here busybody Ballard feels that need to for reasons known only to him. Where does he plan to use his observation about Chance Macy? As evidence that the kid is too gassed/hurt to come out to party** and, as such, deserves to be benched in favor of Charlie? Or that his not coming out to party is evidence that he’s not a team player and, as such, deserves to be benched in favor of Charlie?

Either way, it’ll be another strike against Ballard, whose big swing and a miss on Tiki Jansen makes this strike two.

*Alternate title: Chet Ballard, Backdoor Man. Is that an actual transom above the Schuring’s back door?

**Pretty confident of the Schurings to plan a postgame victory party at their house, innit?

August 7, 2019

Ceci n’est pas une school board meeting.

Running both the color and B&W versions today as a sanity check.

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If this is not a school board meeting, then what is it exactly? Some well-connected kid using his connections to get what he wants from a school board that doesn’t want the public to know how readily it caves to that well-connected kid? No wonder nobody wants it made public. Rubin’s left so many dots for us to connect, like those dots on the sidewalk Steve Luhm forgot to sweep up.

So much posturing going on here. Hadley brought her prop, Ed; Ballard (wearing a suit with weird-ass lapels only The Riddler could love) brought his: tiny Carol and another yet-to-be-named ventriloquist’s dummy school board member lady. There’s also an official-looking seal behind Ballard that some Mudlark must have made in shop class, and an American flag that may be displayed in violation of the US Flag Code if there’s an unseen State of Milford flag to its right. Speaking of unseen, Ballard better watch his back before that shadowy figure stabs it.

 

August 3, 2019

The 20th Hole?

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Gee, it’s been a while since Gil and Mimi had a foursome. When was the last time we saw them with Kaz and Kelly? Last Christmas? Oh, wait, it’s not that kind of foursome.  Just four shadowy figures sitting beneath an impossibly tall patio umbrella.

Speaking of shadowy figures, our weekend cliffhanger threatens to take us inside the inner workings of the star chamber that is the Milford School Board. Carol, who looks suspiciously like Ray Walston or Dr. Pearl (minus the bun) is dissuading the hirsute Mr. (no first name yet) Ballard from bringing up the matter of Tiki. Pray tell why? Tune in on Monday…

June 14, 2019

Alls well that ends well (of course we know better)

Filed under: Mimi Thorp, shadow figures, softball — robmize2013 @ 3:31 pm

Looks like the girls softball story will have a happy ending after all. No way theyre gonna blow the last game to lock up the conference. We’ve seen at most 7 games this season in 3 months. . (No I’m not gonna scroll back and check, thats for our resident statistician)

So really – nice that Mimi forgot all about the multiple distractions, and because of ONE WIN on the road no less, its all good again. Hmmm. And oh by the way, how are the boys doing? Who cares? Even Gil is warming up the lemonade maker.

***Okay– I looked back, and here’s what I found.

The girls record was 7-2. They played Oakwood twice in a row and also Tilden two straight. They lost to Madison and Tilden, who they were 2-1 against this year. 9 games in 8 weeks. Hardly very busy as most teams play about 25 games in 5 weeks.

Now they play Valley Tech again and would finish 6-2 in the conference if they win. They played 4 other teams in the conference, making it a 5-team league. Why not play Madison twice instead of Tilden 3 times? No sense. Its also not fair 1 team getting 2 home games in that series. Feel free to explain any of this.

And we havent talked about playoffs either, but who has time for that when there’s lemonade to drink?

The boys played 2 games. Total. I believe they were 1-1. Whoopee.

 

 

 

June 12, 2019

Soon It Won’t Matter Anymore

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Called it, I think. Mimi’s weak-assed reverse psychology is about to claim an innocent victim. I half expect that David will reveal an ulterior motive for casting FUD in Linda’s head because reasons.

Style points for Linda for breaking up in person a/o/t the ghosting referred to in the comments to the above-linked strip. I suppose we should be grateful the Thorpiverse isn’t  Lynn Johnston’s Ontario in which everyone ends up with their high school sweetheart.

Dunno who this rando burger eating girl is in the foreground but with hands like that she could spell Jocelynn Brown behind the plate.

Today’s bizarre cameo: Wilbur Weston from Mary Worth in the role of David’s dad.

Today’s title inspiration is as short and sweet as today’s post.

June 1, 2019

Barely Legal – I mean, Barely 100 Pages

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Amazing how Mimi looks no older than her players now, innit?

It struck me a little odd yesterday that Mimi addressed her question to the team as a whole before singling out Molly and Nancy for the reading assignment.  Also odd that she mentioned Orwell during practice on Thursday but then the assignment comes after a game.  If this isn’t a continuity error on Rubin’s part, then shouldn’t we have seen time elapse between the practice and the game – time enough for the girls to wonder whether George Orwell was TCFS? (“He’s that freshman who made a big splash in Debate Club, right?”)

Hang in there, TWIM faithful. This has been a disappointing ride but it should be coming to an end soon. Tune in on Monday when Molly and Nancy ask each other, “So which one of us is the pig?”

May 3, 2019

Shadow dancing

I want to start out by saying thanks to teenchy for filling in for me due to my mothers passing. She lived 93 years, her childhood was during the Depression, after high school she immediately got a job at a chemical plant, where she worked for 14 years. She wanted to try college, but her brother had recently been shot down over the Pacific during World War II, fighting for his country, and her father wanted his kids to stay close to home after that. So off to work she went, until meeting and marrying my dad in 1957, after which she quit her job and became a stay-at-home wife. In those days women often only worked if they werent married. My dad supported the family on his paycheck, the norm back then. 8 years afterward they adopted me from Chicago, and my sister joined us 2 years later. And we became a family in every sense of the word, and Mom was our heart and soul. Me and my sister could never repay those two for the difference they made in our lives. 48 years of happy marriage ended with my dads passing in 2005, and now with Mom joining him, again, they can rest assured knowing we will live  our lives with their love in our hearts.

To the strip– this hippo in P1 reminds me of Barney Rubble always getting his thumb in the way when he was taking pictures in one episode of the Flintstones. I thought at first it was an inkstain. Nope, just a shadow of a hippo.The sun couldnt do that if it tried.

I also recall the Angels in 2002 having a rally monkey, which they used on the way to a World Series title. Stupid, but hey, whatever works. I believe current Cub boss Joe Madden was with them.

Well it seeems to be working, if only for the hokey reason that its a comic strip and we need a reason for this hippos existence, aside from blotting out P1. Why not let the kids believe it works, even though logic dictates that hitting and pitching win games, not stuffed animals. Positive mental attitude never hurts anyones performance either.

 

 

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