This Week in Milford

August 7, 2019

Ceci n’est pas une school board meeting.

Running both the color and B&W versions today as a sanity check.

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If this is not a school board meeting, then what is it exactly? Some well-connected kid using his connections to get what he wants from a school board that doesn’t want the public to know how readily it caves to that well-connected kid? No wonder nobody wants it made public. Rubin’s left so many dots for us to connect, like those dots on the sidewalk Steve Luhm forgot to sweep up.

So much posturing going on here. Hadley brought her prop, Ed; Ballard (wearing a suit with weird-ass lapels only The Riddler could love) brought his: tiny Carol and another yet-to-be-named ventriloquist’s dummy school board member lady. There’s also an official-looking seal behind Ballard that some Mudlark must have made in shop class, and an American flag that may be displayed in violation of the US Flag Code if there’s an unseen State of Milford flag to its right. Speaking of unseen, Ballard better watch his back before that shadowy figure stabs it.

 

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August 3, 2019

The 20th Hole?

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Gee, it’s been a while since Gil and Mimi had a foursome. When was the last time we saw them with Kaz and Kelly? Last Christmas? Oh, wait, it’s not that kind of foursome.  Just four shadowy figures sitting beneath an impossibly tall patio umbrella.

Speaking of shadowy figures, our weekend cliffhanger threatens to take us inside the inner workings of the star chamber that is the Milford School Board. Carol, who looks suspiciously like Ray Walston or Dr. Pearl (minus the bun) is dissuading the hirsute Mr. (no first name yet) Ballard from bringing up the matter of Tiki. Pray tell why? Tune in on Monday…

June 14, 2019

Alls well that ends well (of course we know better)

Filed under: Mimi Thorp, shadow figures, softball — robmize2013 @ 3:31 pm

Looks like the girls softball story will have a happy ending after all. No way theyre gonna blow the last game to lock up the conference. We’ve seen at most 7 games this season in 3 months. . (No I’m not gonna scroll back and check, thats for our resident statistician)

So really – nice that Mimi forgot all about the multiple distractions, and because of ONE WIN on the road no less, its all good again. Hmmm. And oh by the way, how are the boys doing? Who cares? Even Gil is warming up the lemonade maker.

***Okay– I looked back, and here’s what I found.

The girls record was 7-2. They played Oakwood twice in a row and also Tilden two straight. They lost to Madison and Tilden, who they were 2-1 against this year. 9 games in 8 weeks. Hardly very busy as most teams play about 25 games in 5 weeks.

Now they play Valley Tech again and would finish 6-2 in the conference if they win. They played 4 other teams in the conference, making it a 5-team league. Why not play Madison twice instead of Tilden 3 times? No sense. Its also not fair 1 team getting 2 home games in that series. Feel free to explain any of this.

And we havent talked about playoffs either, but who has time for that when there’s lemonade to drink?

The boys played 2 games. Total. I believe they were 1-1. Whoopee.

 

 

 

June 12, 2019

Soon It Won’t Matter Anymore

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Called it, I think. Mimi’s weak-assed reverse psychology is about to claim an innocent victim. I half expect that David will reveal an ulterior motive for casting FUD in Linda’s head because reasons.

Style points for Linda for breaking up in person a/o/t the ghosting referred to in the comments to the above-linked strip. I suppose we should be grateful the Thorpiverse isn’t  Lynn Johnston’s Ontario in which everyone ends up with their high school sweetheart.

Dunno who this rando burger eating girl is in the foreground but with hands like that she could spell Jocelynn Brown behind the plate.

Today’s bizarre cameo: Wilbur Weston from Mary Worth in the role of David’s dad.

Today’s title inspiration is as short and sweet as today’s post.

June 1, 2019

Barely Legal – I mean, Barely 100 Pages

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Amazing how Mimi looks no older than her players now, innit?

It struck me a little odd yesterday that Mimi addressed her question to the team as a whole before singling out Molly and Nancy for the reading assignment.  Also odd that she mentioned Orwell during practice on Thursday but then the assignment comes after a game.  If this isn’t a continuity error on Rubin’s part, then shouldn’t we have seen time elapse between the practice and the game – time enough for the girls to wonder whether George Orwell was TCFS? (“He’s that freshman who made a big splash in Debate Club, right?”)

Hang in there, TWIM faithful. This has been a disappointing ride but it should be coming to an end soon. Tune in on Monday when Molly and Nancy ask each other, “So which one of us is the pig?”

May 3, 2019

Shadow dancing

I want to start out by saying thanks to teenchy for filling in for me due to my mothers passing. She lived 93 years, her childhood was during the Depression, after high school she immediately got a job at a chemical plant, where she worked for 14 years. She wanted to try college, but her brother had recently been shot down over the Pacific during World War II, fighting for his country, and her father wanted his kids to stay close to home after that. So off to work she went, until meeting and marrying my dad in 1957, after which she quit her job and became a stay-at-home wife. In those days women often only worked if they werent married. My dad supported the family on his paycheck, the norm back then. 8 years afterward they adopted me from Chicago, and my sister joined us 2 years later. And we became a family in every sense of the word, and Mom was our heart and soul. Me and my sister could never repay those two for the difference they made in our lives. 48 years of happy marriage ended with my dads passing in 2005, and now with Mom joining him, again, they can rest assured knowing we will live  our lives with their love in our hearts.

To the strip– this hippo in P1 reminds me of Barney Rubble always getting his thumb in the way when he was taking pictures in one episode of the Flintstones. I thought at first it was an inkstain. Nope, just a shadow of a hippo.The sun couldnt do that if it tried.

I also recall the Angels in 2002 having a rally monkey, which they used on the way to a World Series title. Stupid, but hey, whatever works. I believe current Cub boss Joe Madden was with them.

Well it seeems to be working, if only for the hokey reason that its a comic strip and we need a reason for this hippos existence, aside from blotting out P1. Why not let the kids believe it works, even though logic dictates that hitting and pitching win games, not stuffed animals. Positive mental attitude never hurts anyones performance either.

 

 

April 27, 2019

I Think We’ve Made a Breakup – I Mean, Breakthrough

Filed under: big arms, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Secret Thoughts, shadow figures, softball — teenchy @ 8:05 am

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“You also don’t want the baggage of a high school boyfriend when you go off to college. Know what?  I don’t want the baggage of a high school girlfriend when I go off to college, either.”

“Well, that’s settled.”

Okay, I suppose we could’ve expected this turn.  It was too much to expect that Linda was all pissy just because she wanted her teammates to be as dedicated to playing softball as she was.  I’ve seen that IRL before, from kids who’ve done nothing but sports as an extracurricular all their lives. They (or, more likely, their parents) see the sports as their only ticket to a college scholarship to the exclusion of all else, sometimes including academics. That there may be other paths warps their fragile little minds.

In Linda’s case, volleyball is that ticket out of Milford.  Now, David has planted the seeds of FUD in her head.  Let’s hope she doesn’t tear up that ticket; last thing we want to see is Rubin bringing her back in three years paying to have “FIRE MIMI THORP!” billboards up on the edge of town.

Pity that kids these days don’t know the satisfaction of slamming a handset into the receiver to end a call. They don’t make ’em like that anymore.

 

March 28, 2019

I Never Knew “Pictures at an Exhibition” Would Appear In Milford

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IT’S THE BLOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYBODY RUN FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relax. It’s only the students at  one of the picnic tables,  gossiping about Andre Dawson when he was with the Cubs, pretty hot news among teenagers, then the conversation that’s been on the backburner after they got tired of talking about Mike Krukow’s career at Wrigley (“Gnarley, dude, he struggled with that wind blowing out”) has been taken out of the oven FINALLY that of what Molly Hatchet does in its spare time when they’re not touring New Thayer, Oakwood, Madison, Goshen, etc., with Lynyrd Skynyrd and The Charlie Daniels Band. I understand the Marshall Tucker Band practices pirouetting in water polo when they’re not on the road again.

They are so caught up in this fad we call (by their own definition, unfortunately) synchronized skating, they’re oblivious to the girl in the background that got ran over by the waffle iron.

 

Mr. Horse, trying to be a Mudlark Cafeteria Lady, having already passed the Cream Slaw Certification Test

“Nope, I don’t think these linens fit.”

 

 

I’m sorry, Gang, I’m TRYING to be nice but

“Gimme 3 steps, gimme 3 steps, Mister, and you’ll never see me no more…”

“Okay, that’s a rap. You can take your skates off.”

 

Eggo Head is just the start of a bad joke.

Gil catches Dr. Pearl in the hallway before her staff meeting

“DR. PEARL!!!!!!!!! DR. PEARL!!!!!!!!!! You know how Eggo Head burned her hair???????”

“No.”

“She forgot to use Pam while sticking her head on the pancake griddle.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Boy, put some Aunt Jemima on them babies.

 

And the artwork coming directly from El Prado. Really, is this truly a comic strip??????? P1 is just classic Cezanne, the missing piece being “Still Life With Apples”, something not shown in P1 because Eggo Head is sitting on them while consuming a Bartlett pear and those same apples would be shown in P2 if The Blob wasn’t chowing down on them while washing it down with leftover Milford students. The Blob resembling The Everly Brothers???? Gil must have been mighty tasty.

Meanwhile, back at the NR Ranch (“non-Reality”) , I mentioned ‘Pictures at an Exhibition” the other day, a concept album based the Russian composer Modest Mussorgsky’s work of the same name, which my favorite group, Emerson, Lake, and Palmer recorded and put their personal stamp to and ran with. Getting mixed reviews because it was slightly controversial, it stood the test of time and came out a cult classic, loved by many critics. I just never thought we’d see a sample of it in today’s strip.

“The Gnome” is P1 and I think “The Great Gates of Kiev” is located somewhere where Eggo Head’s hair is parted.

The Gnome telling a joke to his baby sister, whose in the lower right hand corner. Does she need a high chair, BTW, if her caption is somewhere where Luhm could sweep it up with his janitorial-sized broom?

“Baby sister, do you know why Gil will never be Eggo Head?”

“No.”

“He’d have to find a different rake to comb his hair, plus VO5 and Pam are combustible when fried together in the skillet. Try explaining that one to the Milford Fire Marshal.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Then P2 definitely has to be “Promenade”.

I mean, The Blob executing a spaziergang (“pleaure walk” to you non-Deutscher whippersnappers) through the cafeteria after a hearty 3-course meal of Alpo, Twinkies, and students is worth the price of admission and going about as slow as this plot. Don’t get no better than that.

“Officer, The Plot’s at the Milford Bowling Alley!!!!!!!!!! It’s eating half the town!!!!!!!!!!! Strip Bowling was tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“The Devil went down to Georgia, he was looking for a soul to steal-”

“NO NO NO That’s not how the tripel axel is done, you have to do this TOGETHER. All right, let’s do it again and SMILE. Let Butch Trucks see those pearly whites.”

 

P3 is interesting. I was tempted to say “The Sage” but what wise man in a lotus position at the peak of Mt. Fuji or Mt. Everest or Mount Washington or Mount Greylock (highest point in Massachusetts, BEAUTIFUL scenery, just threw it in to get a cheap laugh when the audience is getting bored-don’t want to wind up like Gil at the Milford Comedy Club) discusses synchronized bowling????? That one crashed and burned.

So I went with my gut and Ickity Ackity Ooh, uh uh, Ickity Ackity Ooh. ee ee, uh uh, slee, uh uh slut, POOF!!!!!!!!!!! “The Curse of Baba Yaga”. As long as teenagers are going to spend more time fretting over bullfighting and Sammy Sosa’s stats (C,mon, I’ll bet Ron Santo’s contract that the sign said “Bullfighting Ring”, geez Louise) than actual sports, reduced already to an exhibition, pardon the pun, at the Ringling Brothers Circus, we are in for a long Spring and Summer until Gil hitches up with another tag team. Really, I think Gil can teach Jerry Lawler and Jeff Jarrett how to golf. They’ll be sinkin’ those putts at the Mid-South Coliseum by the end of August. The Moon Dogs won’t know what hit’ em. An eagle is more effective than the Sleeper Hold any day.

 

Day 16

Marty is butt naked, confronted with a new challenge. Someone from the Milford Zoological Society, trained in Blobology, managed to direct The Blob towards the Nature Area. Street edges lined with ice, much of it from the ice freezer out front at the Milford 7-11 and the trainer invented a new way for The Blob to stay on the Straight and Narrow. Ingenious way to keep The Blob heading in a certain direction. Can’t eat Gil’s children if his driveway is spayed with permafrost.

Marty has enough problems with the elves from Crackerbox Palace and mosquitos. Now, he and Peaches must run for their lives, knowing The Blob could suck them up in 2 seconds. Can’t go up a redwood like a cat. The Blob can climb also. For the moment, The Blob will be content with a warthog it just steamrolled and call it a night. Marty and Peaches can sleep in their tents and only have to worry about shooing away the moths. And all they have to do is blow out the lantern.

Marty on his walkie-talkie

“It’s by the pond, Marty. It took some Sominex and crashed on a dead poplar.”

“Good. Where’s Peaches?”

“Marty, you know that’s the deal. We’re not allowed to tell. In fact, that’s the first warning AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, where’s the trainer????????? I didn’t know I was a midnight snaaaaaacccccckkkkkkkk-”

“Joe? Joe?”

 

“We’ll be back after these messages.”

 

Gil, accompanied by “Nut Rocker”

 

“Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. God almighty, wouldn’t want to be in Marty’s shoes right now, would you? Just hope The Blob stays away from the daiquiris.

But if Marty thinks he’s got problems, do I have some news for him.

Did your car get repossessed and now you have to go Milford Transit? Did you get cleaned out at the slot machines like I did because I didn’t know when to say when at the Milford Casino Lodge? How ’bout Milford Credit Union putting an estoppal on your account because you ran up a bill at Milford Plumbing Concepts and now they’re dunning you something fierce????? Shoot, I’d run up a bill too if they took 23 times to unclog that toilet in the pool room in the basement. They used that much Drano to flush out the turds, c’mon.

The point is, you shouldn’t let The Good Life get estopped because banks, credit unions, and the loan shark at the poker table isn’t bargaining in good faith. That’s why I’m proud to announce that The Warehouse and Milford Cash Advance have teamed up to help you get your favorite liquors without having to worry about Sonny Corleone knocking on your door about that overdue note.

Just give them your driver’s license, your Social, and 2 recent check stubs, yes, chain gang work release stubs are honored, and you can shop for Buds and Michs with peace of mind. Durn tootin’, Milford Cash Advance will hand you $250.00 cash with interest rates that’ll be as low as the packages of Slim Jims on the impulse-buying rack by the register. Doggone, I know I’ve got MY $250.00 in by wallet so I’m gonna go get a shopping cart by the Bud Man display up front and stock up on all the sinful stuff.

And I’ve got some Chauvignon Berry Surprise, something I’m going to keep a secret for my wife, I’ll just put in one of the gutters on my roof, to celebrate our 35th, 38th, Hell, I can’t remember, we’ve been married so long and spent a lot of time pretending to be coaches. Then I got some Sterling Classic Roast Fire Brand, guaranteed to satisfy your taste buds and burn a hole in your belly, a problem if you have ulcers, but if you’re drunk on the couch, you won’t feel a thing. And you might have to hit the bathroom stalls a lot but as long as Pee Wee Herman isn’t in there, it shouldn’t be a problem. And when the bank imposed a lien on my house after my Big Adventure at the Casinos, I snatched that 750 ml bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey right off the 3rd shelf. Ummm, ummmmm, I can drink my blues away tonight and puke in the bed if need be cuz Mimi went to her mom’s place with the kids over the weekend. They’ll be visiting Principal Ek’s boyhood home, a historical marker, “The Hut of Baba Yaga”, so I can splay on the Serta mattress like Foster Brooks.

And because The Bucket is bogged down in a legal battle with the Milford Beverage Commission over the liquor license, The Warehouse wants to kick ’em while they’re down by this great offer: Right now, until the end of the month, if you’ll buy 2 bottles of 1.75 Bacardi Superior Rum, The Warehouse will pay your March Milford Gas & Electric bill. No sense in having no lights just because Milford Interiors repossessed the divan. You shouldn’t have to use your neighbor’s water in a bucket just because there’s no electricity for the shower. Yup, they’ll help lighten the load on your bills when the deputy sheriff sends a bench warrant on your motorcycle, even if it’s your only mode of transportation to Milford Foundry. The Warehouse would rather you not pay late fees for the motorbike.

Yeah, Mr. Owner of The Bucket, when you come out of your chateau in Switzerland, wake up and smell the Apothic Red. Because your chances of selling Cook’s Brut Champagne along with a Bucket Double Cheeseburger and Fries as my recouping my losses at the roulette wheel at Milford Casino. At least I have better luck.

Come in and check out our specials and get a bill paid to boot. At Milford Beverage Warehouse, we take the load off, Fanny, and dump it on the car hops at The Bucket.”

 

 

Today’s Women’s History Month entry goes to Mary Ludwig Hays McCauley, affectionately known as Molly Piutcher. Originally a gofer, like several women in the battles during the Revolutionary War, especially for water, the nickname came about when soldiers would shout “Molly!!!!Pitcher!!!!!!”, a nickname that somewhat unfortunately carried a slightly negative tag.

But Mary stepped in during the Battle of Monmouth to stoke the cannon after her husband was hit by a bullet (but survived, thankfully) and immediately boosted soldier morale with her courage in the line of fire. Serving perhaps as a good luck charm, the British retreated and really weren’t a factor for quite soem time. George Washington was so impressed (and he didn’t impress easily) that he awarded her a non-commision and was thereafter addressed as “Sergeant Hays.” Still strongly holding to her femininity, she proved a worthy soldier that helped the Continental Army win a HUGE battle when they were at a crossroads. The momentum swung in the Continentals direction, Mary palying a big part. Please join me in saluting a woman who proved that a woman could more than hold her own on the battlefield.

 

 

 

Comment away, Gang. I’m going to sneak out the back door before Robmize reads all my Cub jokes. Can someone suggest a nice apartment to hide in on Waveland Avenue?

 

Mr. Horse watching “The Blob”.

“Nope, ‘Lawrence of Arabia was much better than this B movie. Doesn’t even have Ronald Reagan when he was 80 years old to rescue the kids. I don’t think I li-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, IT’S GOT ME, WHERE’S REN AND STIMPY???????? STIMPY’S GOT AN ICEBERG STUCK UP HIS BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“I’m as free as a bird now, and this bird you’ll never changgggeeeee.”

I can see Peggy Fleming and her partner with the American flag draped around them in Sochi after that Gold Medal performance.

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