This Week in Milford

July 1, 2020

How Long Before the Dancing Flash Mob?

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We’re back from the pizza break. Just how did those pizzas ex machina show up? Please tell me one of the VM! kids leaned on Nick of Nick’s Pizza to get them gratis. “Nice delivery van you got there. Shame if something happened to it.” Now let’s see if any of these kids puke ’em up like the football players did with their sloppy joes last summer.

Wouldn’t this have been much more entertaining if Rubin had stuck to the old ’80s movie conceits, like in Animal House, Bachelor Party or Revenge of the Nerds? Instead we’re left to watch him trot out more random crap to pad this final week of the arc. The ump is as ready to get this over as we are; I think he heard the malls were reopening and is ready to get back to work at Foot Locker. No wonder he’s annoyed at yet another time out being called – but who’s calling it? Who the hell is this young lady stepping out to give Ardis a “quick pointer or two,” and why did she wait so long to do it? Couldn’t this have happened last week, when the Dead End Kids were practicing?

June 29, 2020

Is There A Gluten Free Option?

Filed under: actual action, baseball, Exploding Eyeball Syndrome, softball, Valley Modified — nedryerson @ 5:44 am

This little game just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Big turnout, swapping players, lending equipment and now some cool dude in a van shows up with 20 pizzas. OMG, it’s the wackiest “game” we’ve ever seen.

This will be fun for the spectators. They can watch these kids eat. (I think that’s what’s missing in spectator sports today, meal breaks for the competitors.) I hope they have some tables and chairs. Some plates and napkins would be good too. If not hey can just spread twenty pizza boxes in the infield dirt and the teams can stand around eating pizza to the delight of the crowd.

June 27, 2020

It’s Different for Girls

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As robmize and you faithful TWIMers pointed out yesterday, this turned into a farce pretty quickly. Players in jeans, an umpire in a zebra shirt, one team’s pitcher coming in to pitch for the other, and now this. Since story arcs always end on Saturdays, I was hoping for the ten-run mercy rule to be invoked today. No such luck; we’re gonna get dragged through this for at least another week.

Confession time: I have owned at one time both a baseball catcher’s mitt* and a softball catcher’s mitt. They are indeed two different creatures. I probably could’ve gotten away with using my regular fielder’s glove to catch softball and, eventually, I did, sending the softball mitt on to someone playing at a more competitive level than I.  Has it been that obvious that Lotus Cortina Anna Karenina has been catching with a softball catcher’s mitt? Click that last link and look at the ball in the pocket of her mitt. It’s proportionately large in there, innit? There was nothing to lead us to believe she wasn’t catching a baseball in that “softball trapper,” a term so loaded with innuendo I ain’t even gonna try to touch it.

 

*Two, actually. My first was an Howard Elston Elston Howard model, my second a Bob Boone.

June 15, 2020

Stepped On

Filed under: actual action, Mimi Thorp, softball — nedryerson @ 5:39 am

Remember that chopper to the first base side from last week? Here’s the payoff! Pitcher Jamila Moses races the Valley Tech batter to the bag, catches probably too much bag and gets herself stepped on!

It’s her foot, maybe her ankle! Mimi assesses Jamila’s status while performing a provocative squat on the infield dirt.

Jamila pops up because she’s a gamer and wants to continue to perform. She also doesn’t need an eyeful of Mimi’s jeanmeat. Mimi’s having none of it and Jamila is through for the day.

June 13, 2020

You Gotta Fight for Your Right to Fungo!

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Strange way to pay tribute to Adam Yauch’s memory there, Chief, by having this Valley Mod bungler name check MCA’s old band. Speaking of the Beasties: oh look, there’s…

Girls, who knew Milford still had girls?
And at Valley Tech it’s girls
They’re playin’ softball, those girls

I thought their season was toast
‘Cause Milford football means the most
The Mayor always made them smile
From The Bucket to the Nile

Back in the day
There was this girl called Phoe-bay
She liked my homepiece Mikey K
She said she might just give him play
‘Cause he would give her a parade
Instead he flashed her with a blade
That punk-ass Rooney got dismayed
Then Mike Knappe was sent away

I heard him say
Against the Mudlarks he would play
But killjoy Gildeaux said, “No way!”
Eleven misfits? Hey, that’s great!
Don’t look now, here we are today
Who knew that Milford girls still played?
They only played one game in May
Saw Phoebe just the other day

Jockin’ Mike Knappe to my dismay

Girls with rally hippos
Girls down at The Bucket
Girls with peanut butter
Girls make me say [censored]

Girls, that’s all we really want is girls
A decent plot about girls
Not as arm candy I want girls
Neal can’t whip out any girls
Girls, girls, girls, girls…

May 27, 2020

A Sort of Homecoming

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In case you didn’t pick up on the long hair in the dugout yesterday (or thought it was a Kevin Pelwecki tribute), the Milford @ Goshen game is in softball, not baseball. It was one of the Lady Mudlarks who called out Mike from the stands. Unnamed – and not particularly visually distinctive under the earflaps – it must be Phoebe, the only Milford girl who showed an inkling of interest in The Mayor and who, as the recipient of The Mayor’s attention, was an unwitting spectator to the spiral of events that led to his expulsion.

Nevertheless, she’s surprised and happy to see him, so she spontaneously gives him a hug. Remember spontaneously giving people hugs? Yeah, me too. Is that a butter knife in Mike’s pocket or is he just glad to see Phoebe? Leave it to Mimi to rain on this little parade. Wonder how much she knows about the situation, especially how much she knows about how little Gil did in Mike’s defense.

What other reason does Mike have to hang out and watch his old schoolmates play ball? That world is behind him; even his ex-coach called him an idiot for even thinking about trying to recapture it.  So unless the ex-Mayor is plotting some kind of revenge he really shouldn’t be torturing himself with reminders of his past. That includes Phoebe; after all, didn’t we just see an equally cute blonde on the Valley Modified campus a couple of days ago? Now, where are the brake lines on the Lady Mudlarks’ activity bus?

April 28, 2020

Green Eggs And Ham Got A Smackdown Tonight.

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Well, take a look at that girl who loathes the boy’s green eggs and ham

He must be a wandering fool

He doesn’t see, his food isn’t cool

All the girls hold their noses and let him walk on by

 

She wants to be somebody else

She’d rather be somebody else

She’d just as soon kiss somebody else

She’s not dumb

 

He’s probably somebody’s only choice

Eats his Trix so moist

Yeahhhhh, he’s probably somebody’s last resort

 

As a couple of readers have acutely noticed, why the guys are in full uniform is anybody’s guess but why The Mayor probably has green eggs and ham in his gym bag is one $64,000 question that REALLY isn’t worth answering. What’s the consolation prize if I don’t answer it and not obtain my $64,000 cashier’s check? MORE green eggs and ham????

And did you notice that the relationship between The Mayor and Phoebe has suddenly went south? Get a clue, Mayor. Believe me, I have a sister and the phone used to ring off the wall at my house when we were teenagers for dates with her. If some guy was at a movie with her and was eating small curd cottage cheese and Honey Nut Cheerios and he washed it down with Movie Time Buttered from Goat’s Milk popcorn, that’d be the last time my sister dated that gentleman. And I’d be hearing it ALL NIGHT LONG how she got grossed out by his culinary diversions.

So yeah, Mayor, you might want to alter the scenery and get REAL food out of your Lazy Susan at home or in the cafeteria line. Don’t be mixing Nestle’s Quik and Brussel sprouts in your chem lab in your basement then trying to make a move on Phoebe. Scope Mouth Wash isn’t going to cover a multitude of digestive sins.

 

Because I am really not sure, after looking at a graph on how many times a word like, for example, “prevaricate” or “soupcon” was mentioned in 1820 or 1847 or 1901 or 1975, how they could measure something such as word usage at, say, The Bucket or The Golden Gate Bridge or the ferry carrying tourists to the Statue of Liberty

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Has Been Declared Missing By The Milford Civil Defense Commission, Finally Found At The Archives Department Of The Milford Public Library!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Me and Cochran were amazed. They used ‘velocitous’ that many times in 1876 at the Grand Canyon????”

 

And Mayor, get with it. Your cuisine is crock to other people. Phoebe is making it painfully obvious that your green eggs and lox is putting the damper on what could be a great relationship. I’d tell you to wake up and smell the coffee but it looks like you’ve already done that, straight out of the Folger’s can. Boy, that’ll get a date with Phoebe at the prom, fer sure.

Couldn’t you see the police report?

“I caught him free-basing Maxwell House behind the alley. He’s a sure trip to the Milford Rehab Center if the judge has anything to do with it.”

And it’s nice that Thorpiverse printed the score this morning. But a picture of a player bunting, another taking a bad cut at the plate, the baseball team looking stupid behind the chain link fence and The Mayor foisting his Green Eggs and Lucky Charms Protein Mix are really not the same as what you do on the field. There’ll be no Lucky Charms between the lines, Thorpiverse. Remember that.

 

I saw him gorging on his Wheaties that was pan-fried in P B & J

He must be eating on edge

Topped off with a potato wedge

And when the Pop Tarts and the pasta and the pork chops light up his butt

 

She’d rather eat in some other room

She’d rather skip his fart-thumping booms

She’d rather kiss a mossy-draped tomb

She’s not dumb

 

He’s probably somebody’s burned-out light

Flicker out tonight

Yeaaahhhhh

He’s probably somebody’s doggie bag

 

I try to shut my eyes but I can’t shake S’mores out of my mind

I beg this to be over and leave his Alpo far behind

I’m gonna walk up to him and overlook his diet pork rinds

 

And are we at The Mayor’s HOUSE or at one of the faculty lounges at Milford High School? Nobody can design a house so that it doesn’t remind me of a pot-luck supper at Milford Interdenominational?

Boy, do we have a whole wheelbarrow full of paraphernalia that we could cart to the back door of the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Crow and Tom Servo would be livin’ large.

To be honest, I was kinda glad to see Gazoo drop in and park his vehicle so it wouldn’t interfere with dinner. Great call, Gazoo. Gotta park it so we have a place for the bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy. We dont want to put the yams on the high chair now, do we? And I understand the spacecraft doubles as a flower pot. Flying around Deneb and Lyra and a receptacle for impatiens, your ship is very busy in the Spring, Gazoo.

Then WHAT is that thing with the M on it? A portable heater from Mudlark Heating & Air Conditioning???? Does he drag that damn thing around the house with his Wheaties? I’m sure he leaves it out in the hallway when he has to go to the bathroom. DO NOT haul that to the back seat of Muench’s bag of bolts.

Remember that commercial for Hanes Underwear when the young women were taught by Melba in this indoctrinating room that the boxers aren’t Hanes until ol’ Melba says they’re Hanes?

Well,

“Gil, what are you doing?”

“What’s it look like? The dumbasses at Mudlark Heating & Air Conditioning forgot to laser tag the air conditioner again and I’m not turning it on to “fan” until the “M” is on the grill.”

“Gil, as long as you can cool off in your recliner smoking your cigar and drinking your Moet and Chandon while listening to Duke Jordan’s “Flight to Denmark”, what’s the fuss?”

“Woman, you don’t know jackshit about quality. Did Custer go into battle with an hammer and sickle decorated on his flag? Rest my case.”

 

Special headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Police Raid At Thorp Residence Nets Interesting Find!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Cars out in front were part of a party that was intent on inquiring about the multiple usage of the word “perspicacity” at Tombstone in the 1880’s. Clanton Brothers were disallowed.”

 

And WHAT is the cookie jar doing at the top of the cupboard? Does The Mayor truly need a stepladder to get Chips Ahoy? What other reason could there be for this particular Mysterious Object to be positioned in the Mystery Location? I guess we can’t have Grandma Mayor come over and munch on Oreos while the roast is in the oven. It’ll spoil her dinner. I don’t know why it’s OK for The Mayor to sip on egg nog and celery but I reckon we have to have protocol somewhere. Nobody would ever eat the roast. The oven would then be one more place for Gazoo to park his contraption.

Well, those look like apples anyway. Granny Smith or Golden Delicious, I can’t remember which. I don’t THINK Thorpiverse would try to sneak Red Delicious plums on us and stack ’em in the bowl.

 

At the Thorp household one fine afternoon

“Gil, what is a Martian doing in our oven? Goes by the name Yahoo, I thought I heard him say. I was going to bake rhubarb pie.”

“Mimi, I told you that you should have sprayed down the oven with Pam.”

 

And in P3, Phoebe keeps throwing them and The Mayor keeps eating them. Is The Mayor eating a record album? Don’t get me wrong, Focus, essentially the Led Zeppelin from Holland, has always put out killer music with Jan Akkerman being the Jimmy Page of the group but ain’t no way I’m putting “Moving Waves” on the griddle. Ever heard of a phonograph, Mayor? No, you don’t set the oven dial on 33 & 1/3. I give the readership permission to shoot me if I ever grill The Rolling Stones’ “Exile on Main Street” on the Smokemaster, let alone thicken it with Kraft Barbecue Sauce. Mayor, as the album commands, you better scrape that shit right off your shoes. And your Thermos and album sleeve. Phoebe is pretty much saying the same thing but she’s a Christian and has to watch her language to stay under the radar of the sensors.

 

I got some inspiration. I read an article that said that Erectile Dysfunction is caused by the wrong side of the brain controlling our impulses. So THAT’S why my sexual life has never been like “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”. I kept reading

 

 

“We’ll be back to see how Rachel Ray basted that Turkey Flambe Swimming in Nutrament Bars after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Thorp household once again, after a dinner of fried quiche, cheese, and wine, with Nutrament Vanilla Bars for dessert with Gazoo as the honored guest

“I thought Gazoo would NEVER leave. Who wants to hear dirt about Fred Flintstone actually using X-Lax? Wilma can’t be that bad of a cook-”

“Mommy, why does Daddy have all these wires on his head?”

“What are you talking about?”

“He’s watching Gunsmoke and he’s trying to shock himself. He says he wants to be as hard as Matt Dillon.”

In the living room, Gil’s head looking like a switchboard

“Gil, why are there Christmas tree lights on your head?”

“Dillon, don’t let Miss Kitty say you’re as limp as the pony in your barn!!!!!! Stand up and be counted!!!!!!!!! Oh, hey, Mimi, I went to Milford True Value and got some wires, lights, and a small fuse box. One flick of the switch and I shock the left side of my brain into action. That controls your sexual prowess. Man, I get harder than the saloon doors. It works better than Doc’s cough syrup.”

“Mommy, if I took Robitussin, would I get erect?”

“No, Jaime, of course not. Gil, you’re embarrassing me. Take those wires off and I will show you a better way.”

“When Matt Dillon is being tested by Wyatt Earp about his manhood? If I had to drop my pants and have nothing to show for it at Tombstone, I’d deserve to get my ass blown off by the Clanton Boys too. This wiring connection keeps me connected and ensures proper blood flow. I can set my wine glass on it while taking a drag from one of Stone’s cigars. Amazing what technology can do.”

“Mommy, does that mean I can get hot flashes from Flintstones chewables and the batteries in my Barbie car?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Keri!!!!! Daddy is just a little misled. The plot has gotten to him. Gil, with the power of Alka-Setzer, you can plop plop fizz fizz your limp garden hose and make it spray all over the yard with these EREC-3000 Medications.”

“Mommy, is that like turning on the hose-”

“Tune in to Part 2 next week, ‘Matt’s Masculinity on the run at The Santa Fe Trail’ on most of these stations.”

“I have to wait another week to see if Dillon can overcome his ED and wipe out the Dalton gang? I paid $20 for this switchbox and all I got was same Bat channel and an itchy jock strap.”

 

“Gil finally listened to me. He took those EREC-3000’s and threw the wires in the trash. And Gazoo finally got back to his home in the Milky Way so there’ll be no more surprises when I light the gas stove. What’s even better is that Gil and I are having the time of our lives. Nice to get those Good Vibrations without having to buy light bulbs. Come down to Milford Men’s Clinic and get your own vibrations. With proven plans and treatments, isn’t it time YOU shake ‘n’ bake? Gil certainly doesn’t have to pan-fry anymore.

 

Gang, thank you for your input. Let me get those Oreos off the roof and show you my appreciation. BTW, I think the M Mystery Object is The Mayor’s oxygen tank. I guess I’d need it too if I ran short of breath from Twinkies and Ultra Slim Fast Melange.

 

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gonzo Pearl Is Found In Abandoned Coal Mine Shaft After Being Missing For 2 Weeks!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I may need welder’s glasses for 2 months but I DID find out how many times ‘phantasmagorical’ was used from the caveman art on the wall.”

 

 

In Gil’s office where Coach Thorp is poring over the scouting reports for his next opponent

“Moving waves, the wind has left you and you are still in commotion

We are still repeating the word it has taught us, it moves our whole being to ecstasy

Waves, why do you all become excited and then all calm together…”

BBBUUUUURRRRRPPPPPP

BELCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Gil, that’s the 7th Focus album you’ve consumed. And your doctor warned you to watch the sodium.”

“I know, Kaz. Gotta stop the binge-eating.”

 

I’d hate to have to see Kaz do the Heimlich Maneuver on Gil when “Round Goes The Gossip” is caught in his throat.

 

Anyway, God bless you, Gang.

 

 

 

 

April 27, 2020

Stick Around

Filed under: actual action, softball — nedryerson @ 5:30 am

Jefferson is in to face the Mudlarks. A Mudlark is bunting. Bunt Mudlark, bunt! There’s one devoted bleacher bum. Hello, Bum. The dugout looks like a screened in addition to a house. It’s so mundane…

Oh look, Mike “The Mayor” Knappe & Friends have stopped by. Well, now this is worth looking at. These guys have given up their valuable time to pay some attention to the other Mudlarks. That’s nice of them. They should have a parade, like a big one with tanks and missiles. Maybe Ballard Insurance or that guy with the sign company can get behind this.

Jamila Moses is dominating again. She pitched a two hit shutout last time. Those Lady Jeffs are lost at the plate. Jamila should be in the parade, if that’s okay with The Mayor.

This post feels like that chain link fence. It’s there but not there. Lock in and swing, fellow babies.

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