This Week in Milford

June 14, 2019

Alls well that ends well (of course we know better)

Filed under: Mimi Thorp, shadow figures, softball — robmize2013 @ 3:31 pm

Looks like the girls softball story will have a happy ending after all. No way theyre gonna blow the last game to lock up the conference. We’ve seen at most 7 games this season in 3 months. . (No I’m not gonna scroll back and check, thats for our resident statistician)

So really – nice that Mimi forgot all about the multiple distractions, and because of ONE WIN on the road no less, its all good again. Hmmm. And oh by the way, how are the boys doing? Who cares? Even Gil is warming up the lemonade maker.

***Okay– I looked back, and here’s what I found.

The girls record was 7-2. They played Oakwood twice in a row and also Tilden two straight. They lost to Madison and Tilden, who they were 2-1 against this year. 9 games in 8 weeks. Hardly very busy as most teams play about 25 games in 5 weeks.

Now they play Valley Tech again and would finish 6-2 in the conference if they win. They played 4 other teams in the conference, making it a 5-team league. Why not play Madison twice instead of Tilden 3 times? No sense. Its also not fair 1 team getting 2 home games in that series. Feel free to explain any of this.

And we havent talked about playoffs either, but who has time for that when there’s lemonade to drink?

The boys played 2 games. Total. I believe they were 1-1. Whoopee.

 

 

 

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June 8, 2019

Coffee Talk with Linda… Carr?

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“Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m your host Mimi Thorp. On this show we talk about coffee, softball, volleyball, George Orwell – you know, no big whoop. Just Coffee Talk.

“Today I’m coming to you live from the Milford High Teacher’s Lounge. Now which teacher is it for? Well, only one Coach Thorp has their team on the verge of winning the Valley, and it’s not my guest, Coach Gil Thorp, who also happens to be my husband.

“So, nu, how is your baseball team doing?”

“Well, we’ve had better seasons, but I’m proud of the boys for…”

“Feh, no big whoop. Have I told you about my girls and all their interests off the field?  It gives them swagger and it’s infectious. Kind of like toenail fungus.”

“Yeah. I’m seeing more of those ‘TC’ pins.”

“Oh, those. Molly Hatcher got them for 39 cents each. Such a deal. At first it was a fun thing, like a Barbra Streisand marathon. Then the girls had the chutzpah to start deciding who that wasn’t on the team should be getting the pins. So I had them read Animal Farm, let them know that was a verkakte idea.  But let me tell you about Linda Carr. Her swing is like butter, but she’s gotten all shpilkes about her volleyball scholarship.  I gotta get her calmed down; I need her bat for the playdowns.

“All this talk of winning championships has me all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: The ‘Too Cool For School’ buttons are neither too cool nor for school. Discuss.”

(apologies Mike Myers)

June 3, 2019

Oh Boy, Book Club!

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Mimi Thorp, softball, What the hell is going on here? — nedryerson @ 7:14 am

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Nancy and Molly are lounging about on a Sunday afternoon, dealing with Mimi Thorp’s impromptu reading assignment. It’s very late in the school year (some would suggest that school should be out by now, but we all know that the Milford calendar is elastic) and these two are way over it, but they are soldiering on. They do a telephone check in, which I’m told is not a thing anymore for teens. I think we have to stick with this convention in comics because a) This is Gil Thorp and it is the 1950s with cellphones and b) visually, text exchanges are even duller than what we see here.

Nancy is reading Animal Farm and Molly is on the internet reading about it.  This is something that hasn’t changed with school reading assignments since the first time Animal Farm was taught in school. Nobody really wants to read this thing and just wants some bullet points so they can write an essay and move on. (Maybe some people enjoy reading Animal Farm. YMMV, but I have a few thoughts that I will share in a moment.)

Now when Monday rolls around, Mimi is still strangely talking collectively to “ladies” even though the book club is just for Molly and Nancy. I think that’s the case, but maybe I’m wrong. teenchy touched on this Saturday. It’s the usual muddiness .

We shall see what Mimi has in mind as discussion points for the book club. Whatever her thesis, it’s sure to land with a dull thud and I’m certain that I will be scratching my head when that happens. I have a burning question of the sort that never gets answered in Gil Thorp: What the hell is Gil/Mimi thinking? How does this allegorical tale written in England in the 1940s, satirizing the brutal Stalinist regime of the Soviet Union relate to a “too cool” high school button campaign? Are we to believe that Mimi wants to illustrate parallels between “in group/out group” selection criteria and a critique of collectivism? I see nothing more than a facile connection here, but I guess that’s what I expect.

I did actually read Animal Farm yesterday for the first time. Somehow, I avoided ever having this reading assignment given to me. I certainly knew about the book and had a good idea of the ideas it contained. I think the biggest problem I had with reading it was that the allegory is so obvious that the act of reading becomes so analytical that you might as well just go to the Cliff notes or the modern equivalent on the internet. Orwell is anything but subtle in his intent is what I’m saying. I think his writing is actually very skilled but this thing is a polemic guaranteed to crush the will of a teenager in any era.

There have probably been newer readings of Animal Farm that have emerged in our post modern age. Perhaps some more nuanced analysis of class struggle can use Animal Farm as a jumping off point. I don’t expect Mimi, Molly and Nancy to touch on this in the gym.

I will reveal a misconception I held about Animal Farm before I read it. I had thought that the slogan “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others” was something that had been painted on the wall by an animal resistant to the ruling elite as a kind of ironic statement. Having not read it, I wasn’t aware of the running theme of the rules being continually rewritten until the original utopian ideals had been obliterated. I guess that must have been my snarker’s brain’s reading of that statement and how it couldn’t be read as anything but ridiculous.

Okay, that’s more than enough jibba jabba from me about Animal Farm. I can’t wait to hear Mimi’s take.

ETA: If you want to be part of Book Club, you can read the entire book here.

June 1, 2019

Barely Legal – I mean, Barely 100 Pages

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Amazing how Mimi looks no older than her players now, innit?

It struck me a little odd yesterday that Mimi addressed her question to the team as a whole before singling out Molly and Nancy for the reading assignment.  Also odd that she mentioned Orwell during practice on Thursday but then the assignment comes after a game.  If this isn’t a continuity error on Rubin’s part, then shouldn’t we have seen time elapse between the practice and the game – time enough for the girls to wonder whether George Orwell was TCFS? (“He’s that freshman who made a big splash in Debate Club, right?”)

Hang in there, TWIM faithful. This has been a disappointing ride but it should be coming to an end soon. Tune in on Monday when Molly and Nancy ask each other, “So which one of us is the pig?”

May 30, 2019

“Big Brother Is Watching You. And Wants A Button Too.”

Filed under: actual action, Mimi Thorp, softball, TCFS — tdrewhardin @ 1:38 pm

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“I’ll give you $500 to call off the deal or you can find out what’s behind Door #3 that Carol Merrill is standing by.”

“I’ll take what’s behind Door #3.”

“He says he’ll go for Door #3. Carol Merrill, show him what he’s won.”

Johnny Olson, moonlighting from Match Game Mudlarkia, with the call

“It’s a year’s supply of BUTTONS!!!!!!!!!. That’s right, Monty, buttons out of the stovepipe, buttons out of that elephant’s butt that Carol Merrill is riding, it’s raining buttons everywhere. In fact, on your next trip to the Bahamas, the button-powered Cessna will land you safely to the Nassau airpo-”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sorry, Gang, I just had a nightmare. Maybe that button-shaped Bucket Cheerios and Pepperoni Pan Pizza did the trick. Couldn’t have been the Frosty Root Beer. That’s shaped like a bottle.

And this one is spiraling out of control. What began with hippos as good luck charms changed for the worse into a Button Robber Baron Campaign that only a Rockefeller or a Carnegie could appreciate. I can’t even imagine John Rockefeller selling his share of 3 street blocks of Milford, plus some of his oil shares in Oakwood Oil, Inc., his drilling taking place out on an open field next to Tod Andrews’ property, just to get his hands on a billion TCFJPG (Too cool for J. P. Getty) . I’m guessin’ he’ll leave the John Rockefeller gym alone, y’know, the girls gym at Milford. He figures he’ll get SOME usage out of it this coming season. They can’t go 2 seasons without girls basketball, the script won’t allow it. Besides, he doesn’t want the rims to rot or he’s going to have to order another tax write-off through his accountants.

Believe me, there are enough buttons to share the wealth. I understand Hannibal is coming into town after negotiating his elephants through the Alps. Geez, I heard the route between Milford and New Thayer was dicey but if I have to leave my Freightliner, trailer included, at home and ride an elephant with Gil and Mimi, I’d rather sample the Bucket Prune Juice (made from concentrate).

And General William Rosecrans is also expected to hit Mudlarkland before this evening to earn a button and also a Medal of Honor (same difference, I suppose) after his decisive victory at Stones River. I was told Molly would enough buttons for the members of the Army of the Cumberland.

BTW, General Braxton Bragg declined on behalf of the Army of Tennessee. He telegraphed Molly that the Rebs were not into moral victories.

And how can I forget Murderer’s Row? Babe and the Iron Horse and the rest of the ’27 Yankees without some form of recognition, TCFRS (Too cool for Red Sox) ? The button is the rubber-stamp of their dominance that season, a reminder that you can cheer on The Bambino and still call yourself a Mudlark.

 

 

Did I leave anybody out?

Oh, Heavens no, can’t let the ’19 Black Sox get a button. I already have a TCFBSWCADTC (Too cool for Black Sox who cheat and deserve the chair) securely fastened to my Arrow Sorts Shirt. I’m sending a message.

 

I am VERY reluctant to announce the passing of musician Leon Redbone. I confess that I was not a big fan of his but that doesn’t stop me from admiring his contributions, significant and big. He had a nasally voice that crooned the tunes, his guitar-playing crisply and obediently following along, singing songs mainly from Ragtime, Jazz, and Tin Pan Alley. In fact, he revived those genres in a mighty way after they had been phased out in the late ’50’s and ’60’s with the advent of Rock ‘n’ Roll. He proved you could love Rock ‘n’ Roll AND those styles too (I’m living proof) .

A frequent contributor to Saturday Night Live, and rightfully so, he was 69. I miss you already, Big Guy. Just have that concert ready when I cross the threshold in the sky. I’ll be a ready audience.

 

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that in P1, they are warming up and are employing the old “Pitch and Catch” method. I ruled out Rosenthal’s, he dealt with foreign languages, not buttons and softball. No boomerangs. No frisbees. No frisbee golf. They are in their uniforms not because they work for the State, directing cars to SLOW in a construction zone, but because they are actually preparing for a softball GAME.

Therefore, since ships are no good to ship goods and thereby earn profits if they are safely anchored at Port of Milford, I’m gonna take my S.S. Minnow out for a test drive on Lake Michigan and say those are foul lines they are pitching and catching around. No demilitarized zones anywhere near Milford and I have never know Mudlarkland to straddle the Mason-Dixon Line.

Glad I got THAT conundrum solved. I can concentrate on Squaring the Circle and the Four Colors Problem.

 

If ya wear a button that says TCFIL, or Too cool fer Izod and Lexus, while yuz mall-walkin’ yore bloodhound at Milford Shopping Mall and only stop to let him go wee-wee behind the Milford Chick-Fil-A dumpster, located 50 feet behind the Food Court sign, ya might be a redneck.

 

And you’d think that our anti-heroes, the ones who are dragging down the word TEAM into a pile of doggy doo doo that Luhm amassed from the softball outfield grass would get their comeuppance and learn from their loss the other day. If anything, they’re proving resoundingly that there is an ‘I’ in the word “selfish”.

I can hear Stengal now: “Doesn’t anybody around here want to play this game?????”

Mimi really ought to be asking the question but she’s too busy playing 20 questions in P3. Is being too cool for 20 questions bigger than a bread box? I’ll go check Roget. He oughta know that and the answer to a clue in the New York Times Crossword I am alternating between that and the Concordat at Milford presently being ironed out in P2. A supplement to the Adams-Onis Treaty, Napoleon can have Idaho back in the Louisiana Territory, Jacksonville can be a French Colony including the guillotines to deter rebellions to his rule and, oh, can wear a button, TCFB (Too cool for Bismarck) . Ah, the compromises humans must go through for peace at any price.

Spain, BTW, can still have the Okefonokee Swamp. Last minute addition to the deal.

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mitch Miller Singers Guitarist Sent To Milford General After Accident At Milford Amphitheater!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Throws out back after attempting Townshend Windmill maneuver on the song ‘Tuxedo Junction’. Out for 8 weeks on Tour.”

We come to P3. I THINK Mimi is trying to go the Foghorn Leghorn route, engineering a funny, hoping the ladies will get the hint and flush their TCFO (Too cool for outhouses) buttons down the toilets at the Milford Softball Complex facility.

The strategy of choice is, I’m presuming, Orwell’s Animal Farm. Y’know, get rid of the drunk farmer and let the animals run the asylum. But they gotta do it as a team, utilizing the motto “Four Legs Good, Two Legs Bad, One Plot Pathetic”, or something to that effect. And I’d even play along with this odd attempt to inspire and motivate her players were she not standing in front of one of the worst-designed backstops I have ever seen since P. K. Wrigley sold the Cubs (Don’t hate me Robmize, I was trying to hold back, the A & W chili dog forced it forward) .

If I have to fire up the troops in a Salvador Dali lookalike painting, my career as a coach will go the way of the dinosaur. But at least there are drawings of them in caves somewhere. My career wouldn’t survive the rough draft.

I am really honestly trying to figure out if the backstop is FOLDED IN or concave or FOLDED OUT or convex. You really need to figure this out before First Pitch as you really don’t want to send your players out of the dugout on the wrong side of the ledger. It’s bad enough that Mimi is still NOT TAKING CHARGE and resorting to leatherbound editions of The Classics as a text for her Gipper speech but speculating where the infield is located might send things over the edge.

“Hey, coach, some vandals moved the outfield to Diamond #3.”

And a late throw-in, judging from Mimi’s attire, MTV logo included, we now know the kind of women that populate the planet the Kanamits live on. They could save the trouble of UN Peace Conferences and just send a few of these Mimi Models out of the spaceship at strategic locations, i.e., malls, bars, NFL Monday Night games, Garth Brooks concerts, etc. Guarantee they’d have a menu by the end of the week.

 

 

“And that wraps up another loss for the Lady Mudlarks. Coach Mimi Thorp, your Father Flanagan approach isn’t working. We’ll be back to wrap things up in a moment, with the final score, Madison, 3, Milford, 2. This is Madty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

As Mimi does a swan dive on the bed in her negligee, she awaits her unsuspecting victim.

Gil enters. He is still reading about Stephen Curry in The Sporting News while still brushing his teeth.

SPLAT

“Gil, enough on the Golden State Warriors. Time to take charge of me.”

“Mimi, he got game. I was enjoying the part where he basically took apart Portland single-handedly.”

“Speaking of taking apart-”

And then I was going to read the team-by-team breakdown of each team’s chances of making the Super Bowl. They say Mayfield may lead tbe Browns while Roethlisburger is still nursing his left testicle and is questionable-”

“Gil, come to-”

“After breaking down the Chargers’ chances, I want to read that article on Hank Iba. I didn’t know his brother was a transvestite. Man, TSN is REAL thorough in their research.”

“Gil, to bed, pl-”

“Then the Yankees are talking trade again. Andy Pettite for Hack Wilson and ol’ Hoss Radbourn. I knew they needed right-handed power-”

“Gil, aren’t some of those players from the past, say, Dead Ball Era.”

“Honey, I just read them, I don’t bother to look it up. That’s what Statistical Abstract is for. When they pay me to do a piece on Christy Mathewson’s Polled Heifer collection, I’ll be the first in the barn”

“Gil, are you having erectile issues again?”

“Mimi, if you think I’d stoop low, literally and figuratively, for a Hereford-”

“Gil, I mean NOW.”

Mr. Horse makes a cameo appearance and pulls the front of Gil’s pajama bottom

“Hmmmmmm. Nope, I don’t think I see it.”

 

“Face it, when you have to resort to Mr. Ed to address your erectile issues, it is time to renew your focus and head to Milford Men’s Clinic. I regained my sex drive, i finished that article on Polled Herefords and Mr. Ed is back in his stall. Now, if only my wife would take charge herself. Oh, well, 2 out of 3 isn’t bad, or, oops, ah well, close enough, we’re playing horseshoes. And be as erect as one today. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

 

Gang, the phone issues are out to get me again. I apologize and truly appreciate your patience. Your readership is NEVER taken for granted.

 

“Ed, can I borrow one of your magazines again? I have a date tonight and I want to be ready.”

“Sure, Wiiilllll-bur. Look under the 2nd bale of hay on the right. Erectile issues again, Wiillll-bur?”

 

“I don’t know if Infield Fly applies on Convex Fields, Coach. It’s still under review.”

 

 

 

 

May 29, 2019

Voice of Harold

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Mimi Thorp, softball, TCFS — teenchy @ 7:09 am

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As a rule I try to stay away from political and religious references in my posts, but heaven knows Mimi’s exhortation to “be best” tempts me.  Suffice it to say I won’t be surprised if Linda ends up joining the Army.  You know you’re half-assing it when Gil, master of not doing his best work, gives you the stink eye.

Meanwhile the root cause of the late unpleasantness, synchronized skater/second baseperson Molly Hatchet, adds ventriloquism to her arsenal of TCFS skills.  Letting this thing spread beyond the softball team was bad enough and, granted, stamp collecting has never really been cool, but shooting down poor Harold by making him talk to the ball is just cruel.

Musical spoken word inspiration for today’s post.

May 27, 2019

Still Sorting Out The Silliness

Filed under: Mimi Thorp, softball — nedryerson @ 9:09 am

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Linda Carr’s volleyball skills are good enough to land her a scholarship to a mid-level college, but not good enough to complete with Australian all-stars. Also, volleyball skills are not as cool as selling bagel skills, so Linda is totally bummed. Mimi Thorp can’t break Linda out of this mopey bullshit. That’s where we are. It has to end soon.

Those Milford custom bat bags are cool, maybe even cool enough to get their own buttons.

May 25, 2019

Mimi Does the Australian Crawl

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You know what’s not cool, besides this plot? Wanting to be thought of as cool.

Mimi could easily defuse this sitch, if she only had a clue. First off, it’s not “what’s with you [Linda] and the Aussies,” it’s “what’s with you and this need to be cool?” Linda’s answer gets to the root of her problem – not so much the cool factor but her insecurities about playing volleyball. She earned a scholarship, that’s not enough? How does she know the Australian girls didn’t too? Low hanging fruit that could let this arc wrap up by next weekend…. but…

…the bigger problem is the TCFS thing and how far out of hand it’s gotten. If Mimi had actually been paying attention to her players and not daydreaming about drinks on the patio, she’d have picked up on this developing trend and put some guardrails around it. (The stuffed hippo on the bench would’ve been a good sign.) As it is the only rails to be seen – well, besides the ones at Barney’s Pub – are the ones the Lady Mudlarks’ season is going off. Mimi needs to get a handle on this stat. Good thing Molly’s waiting for her in the shower.

Today’s musical inspiration:

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