This Week in Milford

May 15, 2018

Tales of Idiocy and Imagination

Filed under: actual action, softball, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 4:20 am

051518

Daggone, THAT’S NOT the Alan Parsons Project album [Video removed. You can google it if you’re curious – TimP] was looking for. Why is Gil’s mug, ski-slope hair-do and all, on the front side? Aren’t they going to get in trouble for copyright violations? Well, until a lawsuit is filed in Milford Circuit Court, I’m sure the readership isn’t going to argue with the title, based upon how the plot is progressing(?) so far. Where the heck is that voice box coming from?  And what’s the deal with all this smoke? My goodness, how’d I get to the Milford Baseball Field? I think I’ll have a seat while I sort this out. Oh, my, is that voice box emanating out of one of Moose’s Louisville Slugger’s? Can someone turn that up? Yeah, just rub some more pine tar on it, there, that’s better LOUD AND CLEAR

And at the ballpark

where I am sitting

I heard him cursing at the score

Not really coaching

The plot approaching

A stasis here forevermore

In my amazement

Jay sailed through this one

He defied Moose and Bader’s sores

In spite of Coach Thorp

The team won the war

And we must hear forevermore

Thus quoth Gilberto

WHAT’S THE SCORE

Thus quoth Gilberto

WHATS-THE-SCORE

And so Gilberto

Remains the head coach

No matter how much we implore

No words of wisdom

No clear-cut system

And we must hear forevermore

Thus quoth Gilberto

WHAT’S THE SCORE

Thus quoth Gilberto

WHAT’S   THE    SCORE

WHATSTHESCOREWHATSTHESCORE-WHATSTHESCORE

WHATS THE

WHATSTHESCOREWHATSTHESCORE-WHATSTHESCORE

WHATS THE

WHATSTHESCOREWHATSTHESCORE-WHATSTHESCORE

WHATS

THE

WHATSTHE

SCORRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEE

Milford Glee Club and Milford Barbershop Quartet and Milford Philharmonic Orchestra and Milford Concert Chorale and Milford Chamber Singers all in unison, helping Ian Bairnson, David Paton, Eric Woolfson, Andrew Powell and the rest of the Project fading into a foregone conclusion.

And do we have a barnburner today. Lotta pitching and throwing with some great hitting and a slam or two. The fielding couldn’t come at a better time. Where would these Lady Mudlarks be without that one imporant element? Oh, the GAME? Did you think I was talking about THAT? No biggie, they won, 4-2.

I will NEVER get used to KRAK!!!!!!! No other comic strip, comic book, comic anything uses that sound. When Little Lotta threw some bully to the ground, it was a SPLAT or a WHAM but never KRAK!!!!!!!!!! Sergeant Snorkel beat up Beetle Bailey with a POW or a BAM. Never did Beetle Bailey wind up on the ground mangled in itty-bitty pieces as a result of a KRAK!!!!! Batman never beat the Joker to  a pulp or for that matter his dirty, grimy gang, y’know, the ones that uncorked the sewer lid and popped out of the manhole, with a KRAK.  And I know Thorpiverse will bail out and say they read it while looking up the word for Erectile Dysfunction in Langenscheidt’s Polynesian Dictionary. I’m sure there’s some monkeys in the Malaysian jungles that KRAK from tree to tree but here in America, we do everything at the CRACK of the bat. There’s no joy in Milford tonight. Mighty Casey has KRAKKED out.

A blood-curdling scream intro into the next song. Gang, I don’t know about you but Marty’s taking his suspension a little too personally.

You should have seen him

bitching and griping ’bout his lineup spot again

SECOOOOONNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD?????

You should have seen us

Grinding our teeth in agony and hopeless painnnnnnnnn

And he’ll never get a cluuuueeeeee

He’ll keep acting like a shrewwwwwww

You should have SEEN HIM

Hacking and whiffing at the pitch with no results

WHIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

You would have gone mad

Moose was a raging bull who swung with no control

And he never made contacccccttttt

Launched his bat without impaccccttttt

rumbling, rumblING, RUMBLING

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER

Trying to get a story at her turn at bat

GGGGOOOSSSIIIIIPPPPINNGGGGG

SHE WASN’T READY

Even forgot to stick a helmet o’er her hat

BATTTTTTTTEEEEERRRRRRRRR UUUUPPPPP UP!!!!! UP!!!!! UP!!!!!!

UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would like to thank the Oakwood High School Concert Orchestra for the extra violins and violas. They truly egged on the crescendo to the finish line. And the ensuing shrieking you hear at the end of the song was traced to the Mudlark bleacher section. Apparently they were attempting in vain to tell Daffy Duck that the umpire was barking “Batter Up!!!!!!”

Head in the game, DD.

“WE INTERRUPT PEYTON PLACE SO THAT WE MAY BRING YOU A SPECIAL BULLETIN!!!!!!!!! We’re here at CNN Studio because we understand an unusual phenomenon was transpiring at the Milford Softball Complex, an event that has the community in the throes of shock. Our own Marjie Ducie is on the scene. Marjie, what can you tell us about the situation.?”

“Fred, I’m standing here at 3rd base where activity was at a virtual standstill. That all changed when Daffy Duck belted a triple to rally the Lady Mudlarks to victory. There wasn’t any activity but it’s like the dugout exploded and caused a medium earthquake, one listed on the Richter Scale of 5.4. The epicenter was determined just beyond the reach of the left fielder, a few feet shy of the warning track. There wasn’t any major damage but the equipment shed collapsed. Officials are still trying to determine the cause. I’ll have more as this story develops. From Milford, this is Marjie Ducie, CNN News.”

“Thank you, Marjie. I’m not certainly not anticipating any more developments anytime soon but we’ll be on standby. Stay tuned, folks.”

And one more throw-in. I could make a case that the ball is going over the fence. Granted, if it DOES stay in play, it’s a triple. But as long as we’re doing  a remake of “The Last Picture Show” where the deadbeats talk about sex and relationships and OH THERE’S A GAME while the Newton left fielder has had her full ATTENTION to the game only to script one of the deadbeats to save the day after being at the gossip fence with Elviney and Loweezy, can we at least keep the trajectory believable? Otherwise, Kirk Gibson in the 1988 World Series hobbles around the bases, pumping his arms in a pulling-the-bow motion in celebration, all for nought, merely credited with a triple. We’d have to film-splice a World Series Moment. No sense in raining on Gibson’s parade. At least let him stand at 3rd base with those gimpy legs.

Gang, I don’t think we’re getting the full story on Marty. They say he’s still vegetating at the Milford Lounge. But we haven’t HEARD from Marty in quite some time. And he never came out of the Lounge. I wonder what’s up

Laid off at ‘DIG for 2 whole weeks or more

Wallowing in his self-pity galore

Unaware that Coach Thorp’s plotting his doom

In the Milford Lounge stinky bath room

Sitting and waiting on the black-seated john

He suddenly notices several chains on

His arms and his legs

Oh, Coach Thorp loves the fact that his enemy’s starting to beggggggg

Wooooooooooooooooooooo

I’m sorry for saying you can’t coach a doggggggg (I love it now, each brick I lay)

Bring back some mercy, I’m lost in a foggggggg (I love your life slipping away)

“Who laid these bricks in the entrance to the men’s room?”

“I dunno. Did you talk to the manager?”

“…and we’ll back after this message, the Milford Mudlarks coming from behind to win, 4-2. This is WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

Off the mike

“Not bad, Mr. Green Jeans. I’ll see if can get you on full-time.”

Marty, showing his Baby-Boomer age, is playing Chase’s “Get It On” from the sound system in one of the resort cabins at Mudlark Lake Resort

“Peaches, let’s hit the sheets. You know us men and our urges.”

“Ooohhhhh, Marty, say no more.”

Rips off overcoat, Milford Kohl’s price tag still on the sleeve, then negligee in full view.

Marty drops the Lee Jeans.

Peaches’ mental state is in disarray

“I dumped Curly for this?”

“Peaches, I’m harder than a Klondike Ice Cream Sandwich. Speak now or forever hold your hot flashes.”

“Marty, you haven’t risen past the halfway point. It wouldn’t even flare up to Mickey Mouse’s hand to ride Goofy’s Kiddie Coaster at Disney World.”

“Peaches, I can barely move, I’m so horny. You picked a fine time to get nit-picky.”

“Honey, you need a pencil sharpener more than sex. Thank God, there’s one in the kitchen by the sink.”

“C’mon, let’s get down to business and just pretend. Here comes Moby Dick and he’s gonna sink Captain Ahab’s ship.”

“Marty, the only way I go to bed with you now is if I get a tire pump out of the trunk. I bet I could inflate you up to 30PSI.”

“DID YOU EVER TRY TO TURN OFF THE NIGHT LAMP WITH A LOADED SHOTGUN???????”

“I’m a woman. I wouldn’t know. All I know is that Objet d’Art wouldn’t get a Participation Trophy at a 6th grade art fair.”

“Have you ever been in double jeopardy? That’s where I was a few weeks ago. I not only fumbled my job at WDIG but my dignity as well. I was determined to get both back. You see, I forfeited half my deposit that night and the algae in the lake swallowed up my dignity. Trust me, it’s no fun getting cussed out by the night manager, especially when he knew the reason. He suggested the Milford Men’s Clinic. He said they had treatment programs guaranteed to work. He also said that if they can’t make a Lincoln Log out of my Oscar Meyer Wiener, don’t bother coming back. He had a waiting list with plenty of firewood just itching to be burned.

I went to the Clinic. And was I amazed!!!! I couldn’t wait to tell Peaches I was ready to add a log to the fire. And you didn’t need Kingsfield Charcoal to get this fire going. Nope, no Matchlite Fluid or Zippo Lighters needed to fan the flames on this branch  of the oak tree. But don’t take my word for it. See how fun it is to get comfortably firm. They even have a money-back guarantee. You and your partner go to Magic Kingdom at Disney World the first night in bed and keep Huey, Dewey, and Louie out of the bed in the bargain, or the program costs nothing. What have you got to lose except your pants?”

…we’ll be stomaching Dr. Moose and Professor Baderrrrrrr.

Fundamentals they don’t know

Playing like it’s a sideshow

Their teammates pray that they part compannnyyyy

…good riddance to those Bozos

See the ball game in a new way…

That’s the wrong album!!!!!! It’s “Tales of MYSTERY and Imagination”. I didn’t think they could wrap all that cellophane around Gil’s pompadour. Just sayin’ Be that as it may, comment away. I’m going to enjoy “To One in Milford” as the plot heads off into the sunset. Maybe there’s a cliff nearby. And what are those wild white horses doing running the alleys of Milford? Just enjoy the song, T. Drew, and get your usual rush.

Behind Milford Foundry, while construction crews work on expansion of the building, Amontillado is excavated. The chains are removed from the skeleton. One crew member is said to have commented to his colleague

“Man, that dude had one funky beard.”

Fall of the House of Milford, indeed.

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May 4, 2018

A Who Friday

Its a metapost today as I honor the Cubs newest millionaire with a classic from Roger Daltry and company. Feel free to comment on the actual strip while youre singing.

 

Yu Darvish

Yu Yu Yu Yu

Yu Darvish

Yu Yu Yu Yu

 

He walked into the Cubs clubhouse with a speaker from Japan.

He said Theo would pay him several million for the batters to walk away

But all the hitters said his fastball was so straight it wouldnt bend

And the  fans were throwing back every pitch that ever left his hand.

 

Well who are Yu? Darvish.

Yu Yu Yu Yu.

I really wanna know Yu? Darvish

Yu Yu Yu Yu.

Tell me who are Yu? Darvish

Yu Yu Yu Yu.

Cause I really wanna know Yu? Darvish.

Yu Yu Yu Yu.

 

He took the bus back out of town

Back to the Iowa pen.

He felt a little like a circus clown

with an interpreter speakin.

He stretched back and he pitched up

And looked back at the ball in play.

Eleven runs on the green board

God why ain’t I still in LA???

 

Well who are Yu? Darvish

Yu Yu Yu Yu

Oh, who are Yu? Darvish

Yu Yu Yu Yu

Come on tell me who are Yu? Darvish

Yu Yu Yu Yu

Alright, who the fuck are Yu? Darvish

Yu Yu Yu Yu

 

He knows there’s an ivy wall

Where balls fall from the trees.

His heart is like a broken bat

His ERA is in the teens.

He crawls into a sewer hole

And still receives the boos.

How can he measure up to Twenty Sixteen

When all he does is lose???

 

Well who are Yu? Darvish

Yu Yu Yu Yu

I really wanna know Yu Darvish

Yu Yu Yu Yu

I really wanna know

Oh I really wanna know

Come on tell me who are Yu Yu Yu AAHHHHHH YU!!!

 

April 24, 2018

“This is CNN live at Milford’s gym in the 28th day of the bargaining session and little progress has been made. Over to The Weather Channel across the gym for the start of the new plot.”

Filed under: Milford Idiots, Pointy Fingers, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 4:19 am

042418

…where the wavin’ wheat

can sure smell sweet

when the wind comes right behind the

rrraaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Plunking head with an aluminum bat) Sorry, gang, for a moment my mind was on vacation and my brain was working overtime in Oklahoma (sorry to butcher your lyrics, Mose Allison, I’ll check out your anthology at the library this week to make up for it). As in Oklahoma! You know, the musical. The exclamation mark is not a dead giveaway? Meanwhile, back in reality, Gil fast-forwarded from Studio 3 at WDIG to record (Gil doing back-up vocals as a tenor) with an up-and-coming K-Tel Records performer(should hit his stride on the commercial circuit between Archie & the Gang and the ABC Afternoon Special in about 3 years when not doing commercial breaks for WDIG at Boys/Girls basketball games) over to the gym and the plot already has a dead battery. Weren’t we just AT THE GYM??? Why are we still there? Oh, so Moose can start a new career teaching physics. Arguably better than his chances as a baseball player since we saw his football ambitions, well, let’s just say that at least we’re expecting Marty back by Mother’s Day. Besides, perfect opportunity given the weather. No sense in explaining launch angles in the batter’s box. You’d get soaked. Let’s not display the proper angle to go yard while swinging in Oklahoma!

And if Ernie the P and his buddy, Polly Parrot are hangin’ around in the gym-who’d REALLY be surprised?-ANYONE?-he and she (the parrot, of course) can videotape his golf swing. Sure, how to park one in the bleachers (the gym’s, not the ball park’s, it’s Oklahoma! weather, remember?) using proper trigonometric principles. Well, Marty’s not there to film Arnold “Moose” Palmer, he’s gone another 2 weeks.

Now, Physics is Phun in Baseball aside, can’t someone remember to PLEASE get a Sears Die-Hard Battery next time? If it can start in the throes of Antarctica, surely it can fire up in this flood of a storyline. And remember, we’ve already cornered the market on Noah’s Ark and there was no flooding in Oklahoma!, just rain, so Gil needs to rewire the Die-Hard to something more original. I think the Milford Pirate Network camera still has a charge.

Gang, you knew I’d have leftovers. Here’s that Totino’s Supreme Pizza that got abandoned for days in the fridge and got resurrected in the microwave

The radio voice in parentheses, just so you’ll know (or care), is Mr. Pocket Square Sporting Radio Station Manager/Brother Mary Elephant (teenchy’s take or mine, not offended in the slightest if you take his (sniff, sniff, getting out a handkerchief of my own))-pick ’em. From Paul McCartney’s album “Ram” (no, the donkey(BIG maybe, I’ll admit, just use your imagination, it’s a farm, understand, so pretend you have a Mattel See ‘n Say in your hands e. g. “The Cow says ‘Mooooooo'”, “Marty says ‘Eeee-Yore, Eeee-Yore'”) in the background isn’t Marty, in case anybody’s wondering),

We’re so sorry, Uncle Marty (We’re soooo sorry, ol’ chum)

But we haven’t heard from The Dove all day (just like her basketball career, dear boy)

We’re so sorry, Uncle Marty (we’re soooo sorry)

But if they grant us some concessions, you’ll be airing any day

Moooonnnnn across the airwaves

‘Larrrrrkkkkksss across the gym

Moooooooonnnn across the airwaves

‘Laaarrrrkkkkkksss across the gym

McCartney guitar lead-in

Admiral Gil Thorp notified Moon

He had to take it back or his job would take a swoon

He stuffed his face with beer nuts and drank a glass of beer with butter pie (he couldn’t melt the butter so he dumped it in the glass of be-)

Mooooonnn dead in the water

Mooooonnn a-splayed the lounge

Mooooonnnnn dead in the water

Moooooonnnn reeks like a ‘hound

Another McCartney guitar lead-in

Little Little Dove brought him to the ground (to the ground)

Marty lost some face and it’s still yet to be found

Little Little Dove crucified him good(nailed him good)

Marty Moon is so disgraced and besmirched the neighborhood

Mooooonnnn dead in the water

The music fading at the Milford Lounge, the jukebox coming alive with Dean Martin’s “Houston”

“Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry

When I take you in the surrey

When I take you out in the surrey with a friinggee on toppp

Watch the fringe and see how it flutters

When I drive them high-steppen strutt-”

“MOOSE, GIT OFF THE TOP OF THE DUGOUT AND GIT YORE ASS BACK IN THE GYM. THAR AIN’T GONNA BE ANY TWO-STEPPIN’ OUT IN THE RAIN. YULL KETCH PNEUMONIA”

“Kaz, I think Aunt Eller will work out fine as a coach. You might want to inform her of our coaching philosophy on profanity. It’s somewhere in the Milford High School Coaching Manual but I forgot where.”

Seen in the March 2018 issue of Guideposts: “When I’m getting attacked on all sides from a bunch of pukey teenagers that don’t know their BLEEP from a hole in the ground about broadcasting, I have a simple solution: I make my bed. Several confrontations between me and Coach T. have meekly melted away when I pull the twill covers over the sheets. I managed to avert danger once when Gil charged to his trunk to get his Winchester rifle when I said a Pony League Manager could have done a better job of coaching that hit-and-run against Oakwood by a deft flick of the pillow covers over the bed spread. And when I told Paloma my fuzzy car dice around the rear-view mirror was bigger than HERS? I may have had to go to the Milford Load-a-Suds to wash the egg-stained satin sheets after Peaches served breakfast-in-bed but victory was eventually achieved after a healthy supply of Tide. I pulled those sheets over the bed and did a Victory Lap. Talk about gaining a foothold on the Philistines.”

“Oh, what a beautiful morning

Oh, what a beautiful day

I got a wonderful feeling

Marty is going awaaayyyyy”

“Gil, that wasn’t nice. You know Marty and Jud will be back off suspension in a few weeks.”

On Free Meal Wednesday at Milford Open Fellowship Church: “Eccchhh, they put too many peppers in the chili again!!!!!!! And I HATE rye bread on the pimento sandwiches. So as I was saying, tell Paloma, sure, she can have a guest spot on the show. I’ll concede that position. But only after we win. Fans don’t want to listen to a parrot squawking after we got our asses handed to us. Hey, is there any more Chocolate Curl Cream Cheese Cake or did you throw it out?”

“And that’s gonna do it for the 3rd quarter. I have no clue what happened. I’m still a little light on the basketball lingo. I DID identify correctly a 3-point play when an Oakwood player pulled on Aardvark’s gym trunks as the A went up for a layup so YAAAYYYY for me!!!! Still fuzzy on things like ‘correctable error’ or ‘defense responsible for contact when vertical plane is violated’. Eh, I’ll let the Milford Injury Attorney sort that out. The score after 3, Milford, 49, Oakwood, 41, this is Ernie the P comin’ atcha in Milford’s gym on the Milford Pirate Network, a division of Lear Field Sports.(heard off the air just before commercial break) Can somebody get the janitor? The parrot just doo-doo’d again. Who fed him nacho chips ‘n’ cheese sauce while I was broadcasting?”

“Hi, this is Coach Gil Thorp and y’know, practices can get real intense. Then there’s game time. When the ump says “Play Ball!” your adrenaline is really pumpin’. Your nerves can be on edge throughout the game and it can get dicey, win, lose, or draw. And when a tall glass of Lowenbrau at the Milford Lounge isn’t enough, I head to Milford Liquor Warehouse. That’s right, check out all the varieties from Drewry’s Low-Sodium Lite in 24-Packs to Bluegrass State Bourbon. Man o Man, I know what booze I’M going to be sloshing with Mimi in those shot glasses we received as a wedding gift 30 years ago when we watch the Kentucky Derby on the wide-screen TV this year. And for all you wine lovers, boy, are you in for a treat. This week’s special features Boone’s Farm Blueberry Surprise, a real lip-smacker, and you can smack those lips at 3 bottles for only 10.99. Easy-open pop corks that are also biodegradable. Boy, THAT’s a surprise. And Mudlark Dom Perignon 2009 Gift Box, straight from the vineyards of Milford Valley, is sure to please that champagne-and-cheese crowd at the next family reunion or graduation party. We have it in stock for the jaw-dropping 219.99 and that includes the corkscrew, autographed by Yours Truly.  If you are short on funds, like I am sometimes, doggone it, it’s always a toss-up between Michelob Mini’s or my personal golf lessons, don’t worry. The Milford Liquor Warehouse takes all major credit cards. Why let The Good Life blow out your car window because you are strapped for cash? By the way, they also have shopping carts guarded by trained security so they don’t wind up in a ditch behind Milford Elementary. It doesn’t get any better than that. Come see the friendly staff at Milford Liquor Warehouse for all your Liquor needs, in the Milford Wal-Mart Shopping Center, right next to Luhm Electronics. And tell ’em Coach T. sent ya.”

“Let people say we’re in looovvveeee”

“OK, Peaches, then it’s settled. If you dump Curly, we can take advantage of that Mudlark Lake Resort special, you know, pay for 2 weeks, get 1 week free. I promise I’LL make the bed. Nobody but us and Mother Nature out there. Whattya say?”

Gang, fire away. I’m going over to Milford Liquor Warehouse to float a loan to Marty. He tried to buy that Dom Perignon for that outing with Peaches but the suspension evidently ruined his credit. He used to run up a tab there until he swore on the air. Now they won’t even extend him a Diet Coke in the Teetotling Cooler up front.

February 6, 2018

A B.L.T., Hold the Mayo, an Order of Onion Rings, and Thou Beside Me Discussing Roe vs. Wade at The Bucket…

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 3:16 am

020618

HAHAHA, oh, excuse me, let me get up off the floor, I was rollin’ in the aisles over the funny that ol’ Jorge Leghorn just uttered. Well, he’s got a southern accent, doesn’t he? And now the truth is out. Foghorn swam over the Rio Grande at night to seek the Land of Opportunity. If you look under one of his feathers, you’ll see his Green Card. Anyway, don’t you think that was a real knee-slapper?

And, all right, all right, they were in the cafeteria, not The Bucket(I can hear the cavalry coming) but if you’re going to wax poetic, it sounds better than “…an order of tater tots, lotsa ketchup, and thou beside me in the “B” gym by the basketball rack.”

I’ve seen sibling rivalries in my lifetime(I have a sister, I should know) but this one takes the cake. Are we going to be subjected to a Vladimir Ilyich Lenin vs Dr. J debate in the next couple of months(a conservative, I say, conservative estimate)? Man, Lenin might have stirred the revolution but his jumper left a little to be desired. Oh, that’ll be fodder at the local bar rooms. I pity the poor bouncer having to throw out the guy who got violently drunk while simultaneously defending Leon Trotsky’s ERA(“He needs a slider to go with his fastball and curve” “But he liberated the proletariat from the bourgeoisie!!!!!!!!”).  It makes me wonder if we’ll have time for basketball. Then again, I think I answered my own question. And I’d suggest a couple of freeze frames of basketball “action” to speed up the season while Plato and Socrates hash it out BUT we have both the boys teams and the girls teams to cram into the season, belated at that, 3 panels at a time. I hope Thorpiverse never does funeral pre-planning this way.

Soooooooo, leaving the quandary to some other schmuck with no life, I have another Zappa tune to close things out. Okay, kiddies, sing along, to the tune of “Bobby Brown”

Hey there, people, I’m Jorge Brown

Marty says I’m the highest-jumping boy in town

My shooting’s good

My rebounding’s shiny

I just told La Junta they can kiss my hiney

Oh God, I am the American Dream

I make the Milford cheerleaders want to scream

On defense, I’m a son of a bitch

I’m going to the NBA and get real rich

“… oh God, oh God, I’m so fantastic

Thanks to flubber, I’m a jumpin’ spastic…”

Because it’s Black History Month, I will talk about one African-American per week that is dear to my heart. Today, please, where you can, spread the word about Cowboy Bill Pickett. He was noted for bulldogging, a technique where he grabbed a steer by the horns and wrestled it to the ground by biting its lips. Worked EVERY time. He also, working for 101 Ranch Wild West Show, helped the show win a bet by hanging onto a bull in a bullfighting ring in Mexico City, the classless fans throwing bottles, trash, God knows what else, FOR 37 MINUTES when the bet only called for 15 minutes. He lead the charge for all the Black cowboys, the latter of whom represented 1/10 of the cowboy population in the 1800’s-early 1900’s. The man saw himself as just another cowboy. Which is why I promote him even more.

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m climbing out of the ring. The tag is made. Apply the sleeper hold on the Padillas with a vengeance.

December 30, 2017

He goes on after some lip-sync chicks

gt12302017

On this waxed up floor and these painted halls
My dad showed up and grew some balls
Tonight, tonight, we’re gonna run the veer
My creepy uncle’s outta here

New Thayer had us down six-oh
Then we got the veer to flow
Took a hit and I got up slow
Knocked out? Rick Scott didn’t know
Doctors said I was good to go
Football, not just talent shows
Gary told mom to say “no”
Told me to play talent shows

Well Uncle Gary never said “‘Bye, Rick”
Always knew he was kind of a dick
I’m feelin’ good since that knee I took
Oh, Gary, always givin’ that look

First I had a mild sprain
Doc made me skip a game
Coach Thorp made me take it slow
Least I got to sing at home
Uncle Gary salts the mine
Makes a YouTube video
Just wanna play the line
Not just play at talent shows

Well it’s the slowest year in my life I guess
In just two weeks, it’s Valley Tech
Season’s been a wreck…

Can they roll
Without Soto?
Coach Thorp, he can use the phone
‘Cause my mom, well, she don’t know

Might be playin’ in the snow
Week before the talent show
My old man still calls me “kiddo”
We might still play in March, you never know

It’s too late for playdowns, here we go…

(profuse apologies P. Westerberg)

 

 

 

 

December 21, 2017

I Need to JO

gt12212017

Jo Dawg, I heard you like joe so I put “JO” on your joe mug so you can read “JO” while you drink joe

*****

 

Well, the talk on the street
Says you coach Rick Soto
This brother of mine
Says he shouldn’t play no mo’

I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)
If you think he shouldn’t play
Then you better say so
I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)
Because I don’t know who’s wrong, him or my son
If I’m needin’ to wait, if I’m needin’ a spine
I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)

Who would’ve thought that
I’d listen to this guy?
I’ll be right back
I gotta call Dubai

I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)
If you think he oughta play
Then you better say so
I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)
Because I don’t know who’s wrong, him or my son
If I’m needin’ to wait, if I’m needin’ a spine
I need to know (I need to know)
I need to know (I need to know)
Wow!

*apologies to the late great TP

Wish I knew how to get my thumb to migrate to the other side of my palm like Gil has. He must be double-jointed and Hungarian.

August 5, 2017

Return to Janet’s Diner?

gt08052017

We have left the
Field in Milford
for the diner
Named for Janet
‘Least I think it’s
Janet’s Diner
‘Cause it don’t
Look like The Bucket

Who is in this
Bunch of losers?
Now we’ll learn
Of their backstories
Or as Gilda’s
Baba Wawa
Might say,
“Wet’s wisten in”

Let’s start out with
The big hoopster
He once played
for Bishop Tardy
He’s rehabbing
After knee work
So he’s hooked up
With Eight Elbows

And I think
It kinda odd
That he’s eating
Diner food
And I’m thinking
A pro athlete
Could spring
For healthy grub

He’s working
With Trey Davis
But they keep it
On the down low
Is Trey more
Than just a trainer?
Jaquan said
He was “full-service”

And I’m thinking
Of perversities
That go on
In Trey’s folks’ house
Has he filled it
Full of Muscle Marys?
How I
Wish I had brain bleach

‘Cross from Jaquan
Sits this geezer
All his shirts
Are labeled “Monmouth”
He’s indulging
Daughter Heather
But he
Sucks at throwing footballs

And I couldn’t
Help but notice
That Heather’s now stuck
In the corner
How did this
Turn into mansplaining?
How did
This go so wrong?

What about
The kid Pelwecki?
Oh, I didn’t
see him still here
Do you think
He’ll play at fullback?
Only if Gil’s
Passed out drunk…

And if all the rest are hurt…
And if Milford’s out
Of the playdown hunt…

To the Milford Country Club
Let’s watch Gil berate some kids

March 16, 2017

If Gil Only Had the Nerve

gt03162017

Yeah, you called me on it, Tina
I’m just a Milford wiener
Don’t coach, I just observe

But now I’ve started meddlin’
Someone’s got some Oxy’s peddlin’
Yeah, I got a lot of nerve

Phallic trophies I may brandish
Thanks to golden boy True Standish
Honors that I don’t deserve

But my team’s been gettin’ beaten
‘Cause your Aaron ain’t been eatin’
But I got a lotta nerve?

Now don’t be getting nervous
I’ll be calling Social Service(s)
‘Cause they’re only there to serve us
And we don’t all always get what we deserve…

Then you’re sure to lose your jobs,
Your car, your son. Some nerve!

(apologies Bert Lahr)

***

Reason I like the color version of the strip today: without it, I’d have thought the furniture was made of the same plaster as the walls.

Reason I don’t like the color version of the strip today: Who has skintone teeth outside of a low-budget Hanna-Barbera cartoon?* Maybe I’m wrong and those are just Tina’s badly cracked lips.

*Speaking of meddlin’

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