This Week in Milford

September 11, 2020

I’m just a libero

Filed under: big arms, song parody, Volleyball — robmize2013 @ 7:55 pm

Thanks again to teechy for filling in for me again on my latest trip – this time to Munising Michigan in the Upper Peninsula as my amazing summer draws to a close. Lake Superior is magnificent to say the least, although the gale force winds Sunday afternoon and Monday morning put the kibosh on our kayaking plans. We’ll try again in 3 weeks in the Mississippi River. Teenchy is getting like Joan Rivers on the Tonight Show when Johnny Carson was close to retirement- seems like you saw her more then Johnny for a couple years. Keep up the good work buddy!

I’m in the mood for a song, so in the immortal words of the former paramedic David Lee Roth, here goes…

I’m just a libero, and everywhere I go

People know the role I’m playing

Paid for every game, stealing stuff in shame

Ooh, what they’re sayin’

There will come a day when Milford goes away

What will they say about me?

When volleyballs’ a go The setters only know

I’ll kill a Goshen as a libero.

I’m just a libero and everywhere I go

Maureen knows the hat I’m stealin.

Paid by True in cash, selling my old hash

Ooh, what they’re sayin’

But there will come a day when Mimi draws a play

What will they say about me?

When the pizza comes, I know I was just a libero

Life goes on without me, ’cause

I…………..cant find a high school

No high school

No Mod school

No high school

Moooooms so sad and lonely

Sad and lonely, sad and lonely…..

July 31, 2020

Come On Maureen

 
 
 
 
 
Poor old Phoebe K
Sounded sad she lost her Alexa
But she found Corinna Karenna
Their waitress knew
All about Hiawatha
True is grown  (so grown)
So grown (so grown up)

Now the girls can be so clever

Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye ay

And there’s a huge mitt on the table
 
 
Come on, Maureen, oh I swear (what she means)
At this moment, you know everything
You need more tips, that mitt I confess
Is so dirty
Ah, come on, Maureen
 
Come on, Maureen.
 
 
 
The Mayor ’round here
Was beaten down, eyes sunk in Val Mod place
They’re resigned to what their fate is
But not  (no, never), no, not us (no, never)
Phoebe’s far too young and clever
(Remember)
Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye aye
And you’ll  dance with True  forever…
 
 
Come on, Maureen, oh, I swear (what he means)
Ah, come on let’s tell him everything
Rina’s a catch, Maureen (tell him yes)
Ah, come on let’s, ah, come on, Maureen
Milfords a mess, Maureen (nothing less)
Ah, come on, fess
Ah come on Maureen…
 
 
Come on, Maureen, too rye aye
Come on, Maureen, too rye aye
Now you’re full grown
Now you have shown
Oh, Maureen
Said, come on, Maureen
That mitt it is  real and I know
How you feel
Now True must say more than ever
Things ’round here have changed
I say, too ra loo ra, too raloo rye aye
Come on, Maureen
Oh, I swear (what he means)
At this moment, you mean everything
You in that dress, True’s thoughts are a mess
Table’s dirty
Ah, come on, Maureen
 
 
Oh, come on, Maureen
Oh, I swear (what he means)
At this moment, he needs every lead
Who you address, Hiawatha is next
Theyre all  dirty
Come on, Maureen
Come on, Maureen
 
 

 
 
 
 

June 13, 2020

You Gotta Fight for Your Right to Fungo!

gt06132020

Strange way to pay tribute to Adam Yauch’s memory there, Chief, by having this Valley Mod bungler name check MCA’s old band. Speaking of the Beasties: oh look, there’s…

Girls, who knew Milford still had girls?
And at Valley Tech it’s girls
They’re playin’ softball, those girls

I thought their season was toast
‘Cause Milford football means the most
The Mayor always made them smile
From The Bucket to the Nile

Back in the day
There was this girl called Phoe-bay
She liked my homepiece Mikey K
She said she might just give him play
‘Cause he would give her a parade
Instead he flashed her with a blade
That punk-ass Rooney got dismayed
Then Mike Knappe was sent away

I heard him say
Against the Mudlarks he would play
But killjoy Gildeaux said, “No way!”
Eleven misfits? Hey, that’s great!
Don’t look now, here we are today
Who knew that Milford girls still played?
They only played one game in May
Saw Phoebe just the other day

Jockin’ Mike Knappe to my dismay

Girls with rally hippos
Girls down at The Bucket
Girls with peanut butter
Girls make me say [censored]

Girls, that’s all we really want is girls
A decent plot about girls
Not as arm candy I want girls
Neal can’t whip out any girls
Girls, girls, girls, girls…

May 21, 2020

“No, I’m Doing Time For Stealing Keri’s Lunch Money.”

 

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Well, we have no choice

Be with girls and boys

That stirred some noise

Cuz they stole Gil’s toys

 

Well, we can’t salute Gil

He’s not around

If that don’t suit ya

Get outta town

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School’s been changed to prison

 

Okay, you whippersnappers, I love your music and always have but doncha dare touch Alice Cooper. Vintage, Baby. “Billion Dollar Babies”, “Love it to Death”, “Killer”, I’m tellin’ ya, I could go on. His Christian beliefs are a bonus and I mean the man LIVES the faith. Great musician and he is a testimony to all around, I’m in Heaven.

 

So now The Mayor gets dropped off and I’m sure he’s a little uneasy and who can blame him? Would you want YOUR mom going to the administration wing of Milford Reformatory and tell the lady at the desk she wants to get you enrolled? Oh, sure, here’s his birth certificate and his test scores from Milford Elementary. He might have to take Algebra again, he was having trouble with direct proportion. Yes, I can fax you his physical from our doctor. And he has to be passing in 4 solid subjects to be on the team? I’ll make a note of it. I’ll get a tutor for him in Modern Vocab. And call me if his grades are slipping.

 

While “Moanin'” is blasting from Charles Mingus off of “Blues and Roots” out of Dr. Pearl’s 8-track player

GODDAMIT!!!!! HIS REFORM SCHOOL RECORD IS SOMEWHERE ON THE DESK!!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS UNDER THE MILFORD PEST CONTROL INVOICE!!!!!!!!!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Yes?”

Coach Kaz opens the door

“Uh, Dr. Pearl, could you have the Pest Control guy do some extra spraying under the map of Slovakia? I saw a hornet’s nest.”

 

And conceding that moping wasn’t getting him anywhere, who wants to go to a school that supposedly calls itself Valley Alternative when the sign up front appears to read Goshen? As in Goshen Institute for Wayward Children? Goshen Treatment Center for Problem Students? By gum, if we can’t break him of his habit of bringing Chinet Plastic Knives to school, he deserves to share the lavatory with Papa Bader.

And coming from an engineering family (grandpa worked for Chrysler and G.E.) , I love math. And math involves fallacies in certain arguments. Like “post hoc ergo propter hoc”. This literally (everything is Latin henceforth) means “after this, therefore because of this” or loosely translated “I ain’t got no goddam business at a school that can’t even label its marquee board correctly”. This argument suffers from saying that B occurs whenever A occurs, therefore A causes B.

That won’t wash because B could occur for a number of reasons having nothing to do with A. B could be caused by Z or M or omega or Dr. Pearl’s Dentu-Cream. Proper research is in order.

The Mayor getting sent to Gil’s Reformatorium is a classic case of “post hoc ergo propter hoc.” Just because a common table knife was discovered in The Mayor’s locker does not necessarily mean it belongs to The Mayor, a point I’m sure Hadley Varnish will hit home at the District Board meeting. It could have been used by Coach Shaw to rob the Milford 7-11 to get some cash and condoms. The need for some chump change and no more children from his horny wife got to be too much, evidently. But he had to stash the evidence or it would blow his cover as a cameo coach.

The Bucket could have used his locker for table knives because the dispenser had to be sterilized and stacking them next to his street clothes and his table d’hote was about as sanitary an alternative as anyone could get. They just forgot to get all the knives when Milford Sanitary Enterprises returned the machine after a thorough dousing of suds.

And really, you could extend “post hoc ergo propter hoc” to The ‘Mudlark Whiffleball’  bumper sticker on Mama Knappe’s minivan was not necessarily a direct result of Gil’s coaching.” For all we know, Gil could have been trying to golf one out of the sand trap at Milford Public Golf Course when The Mayor parked one in the stands and won MVP as a result. Making Mama proud and getting on the green to save par don’t always correlate.

 

No more baseball

No more knives

No more living

A Mudlark’s life

 

Gil is past due

Out to pasture

Gone to Hole 9

Plot’s much faster

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gil’s Reformatorium For Discarded Plotline Characters To Construct An Extension Onto The Student Life Section!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Studies indicate a growing need for a building concentrating on meeting needs of ex-petty larceny contingent.”

 

And many of you simply fail to understand Fallacy of Division. This is totally different from Fallacy of Composition. Don’t get them confused. Fallacy of Composition states that if one’s a bum, they’re all bums.

Let’s bring it close to home. Say I throw out “Marty Moon wears a goatee and is a snake in the grass, therefore all men who wear goatees are cowardly, yellow-bellied vipers and only foot odor smell worse than their ethics. You can’t spray Dr. Scholl on Marty’s broadcasting techniques or the persona of other men who broadcast or perform white-collar duties or otherwise punch a time clock to earn a paycheck.”

This is faulty reasoning. If that were true, Magic Johnson would have been spraying liberally when he wasn’t executing the 3-on-2 against the Celtics at the LA Forum. Charles Mingus would be slithering around the studio while trying to play bass on “Better Git It In Your Soul”. Gil would be banging Mimi 24/7 in the closet when the kids were away at summer camp. Gil’s ethics, work or otherwise, may be shaky but for now just assume there’s nothing but coats and hangers in the closet. And that Gil displayed a goatee at one time just to aid and abet in this argument. You’ll just have to use your imagination.

Fallacy of Division IS JUST THE OPPOSITE. PLEASE keep that in mind so that when you’re taking the exam, you don’t miss the question and flunk the course and wind up sitting behind The Mayor in Intro to Sociology at Goshen Alternative Life Skills Academy.

Fallacy of Division says that if the whole group is one way, then the individual members are too. If that were true, Band of Gypsies, the classic by Jimi Hendrix, would have relegated him, Buddy Miles on drums, and Billy Cox on bass to nomadic status. They played music, not wandered the Mojave Desert with a caravan of Joe Tourists and Joe Gypsies.

Therefore, when Gil called The Mayor an idiot, he committed a most grievous error. Yes, Gil, I’ll concede that you’ve assembled a whole baseball team of idiots because, as Coach Stuard taught me, the coach is the tree and the players are the branches and if the coach is an idiot, well, Gil, do you expect the team to subsequently play smart and hard? Well?

STILL, with that said, if the team is composed of many garbage men, does that make The Mayor an employee for Milford Sanitary Engineering Solutions, Inc.? Well, you don’t see a garbage can lid in P2, do you? He didn’t ride to work in a garbage truck with “Milford Baseball Mom” bumper sticker on the back of the vehicle.

Therefore, assume that if The Mayor ever asks the lady at the desk where the dumpster is, he is

A) Throwing away a Twinkie wrapper and a Diet Coke can

B) Attempting to ditch this inane plot

C) Has to take a leak BEHIND the dumpster because the toilets in the boy’s room at Gil’s Reformatorium are out of order

D) All of the above

 

If ya got ta go ta reform school cuz ya could only repeat 5th grade so many times and the Milford District Board ruled ya ran past the Statute uv Limitations, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Alice Cooper, accompanied by the Milford Elementary School 4th Grade Choir and Tonette Band

 

Now we’re stuck in class

There isn’t any teachers

And there isn’t any principal

No coach with bouncy skunk-black hairrrrr

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School will bore me to pieces

 

What? Dr. Pearl’s daughter is involved in a career in education TOO? She has that beehive right down to the yarmulke. But it looks like Dr. Pearl Junior applied some Grecian Formula for Women. Dr. Pearl evidently is allergic to it. No worries, Dr. Pearl. Polar bear hair is sexy, according to this article in National Geographic.

That said, Dr. Pearl Jr. couldn’t cut it in real estate? The career in cosmetology at Milford Beauty School fell through? The earrings weren’t chunky enough, I reckon, although they probably didn’t grade on a curve on her Show-and-Tell portion of the final exam if P2 is any indication. Because she didn’t apply enough Afro-Sheen to Mimi’s hair, Mimi looked like Billie Holiday as a Milford Cafeteria Lady, so Dr. Pearl Jr.’s kismet became the lead woman at the Information Desk at Goshen Valley School for Mudlark Retreads. I’ll bet there’s plenty of room for advancement.

 

Another fallacy is the Ad Populum Argument. This commits the fallacy of believing something because many or all of the people endorse that particular concept (“according to the people”) . This is a dangerous line of reasoning as we could be swayed to certain actions against our better judgment. Just because the Gallup Polls reported that 83% of the population read Gil Thorp and opine that he is 10 times better than Barney Google even if in the end they use the comic section to scoop up the dog poop/droppings in the hamster cage doesn’t mean we should go down to PetSmart and buy a beagle. Don’t base your decision to buy a litter box because the Milford Enquirer said that Gil was better than reading the Horoscope. An appeal to sound rhetoric is the higher road to pursue.

 

Gang, remember the Night Gallery episode “The Academy” where Pat Boone plays a slightly cold-hearted parent who is seriously considering sending his problem child to a military school run by a general, played by Leif Erickson (Larry Linville, who played Major Burns on M*A*S*H* for years, plays one of the cadets) ? The chiller is that this is no ordinary military school. Pat Boone recognizes some of the cadets who are well in their 30’s and 40’s after they got in trouble at school or with the law when they were teenagers and were eventually sentenced to this school. The fact they’re still doing drill is the overriding concern but the clincher is this statue of Erickson’s character with his arm around a boy. The general is pointing TOWARDS the school, not out towards the world with a “Go West, Young Man” flavor to it. Juvenile delinquents sent to a correctional facility are trapped when they become adults.

So when The Mayor gets dumped onto Boys Town-Goshen Valley Extension, it’s bad enough, as Teenchy mentioned, that chemical symbols are written in Aramaic somewhere across the Tigris-Euphrates but you hope to God there isn’t this statue of Gil with his arm around The Mayor out by the entrance. You pray Gil is pointing towards the Milford High School Baseball Facility, if nothing else.

And what the Hell could this kid be thinking when he asks a question like that in P3? Does he think The Mayor cruised around town with Al Capone? Sure, Al had a machine gun, The Mayor had a table knife when confronting The Sopranos.

“No, but I drove the getaway car when they held up Milford Federal Credit Union last week.”

Keep pointing towards the school, Gil. The Mayor might graduate by the time he’s eligible for Social Security.

 

Booby Howry uncovers his latest billboard

“Clarabelle the Clown uses a Poulan Weed Trimmer when manicuring his lawn. Shouldn’t you?”

 

I don’t think Booby’s latest offering will get him in trouble with Gil but definitely Booby is most definitely committing the Fallacy of Argument from Authority. Now if Clarabelle the Clown squirts his tears all over the Mudlark gym, Clarabelle the C is on Gil’s shit list but the billboard, though flawed, won’t draw Gil’s ire.

 

“And we’ll be back to see if The Mayor jumps the wall at The Academy or is forced to clean 500 rifles if he’s caught after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“I hated to expel Mike from Milford High School. Lord knows he was like a son to me. I hadn’t been this close to someone like him since The Flapper Days.

And then there’s all the restaurants closing due to the pandemic. People just aren’t going to jump in the station wagon and overindulge at the buffet table at Milford Ponderosa.

And Milford Funeral Solutions recognizes that. They know they can’t stop death but they can help a brother in need. That’s why Milford Funeral Solutions is more than happy to announce that they are teaming up with Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen Inc. to aid a restaurant beaten and robbed on its way to Jericho. Lord knows that Milford Funeral Solutions may need Popeyes cooler section should there be an oversupply of caskets.

And to prove that death is always in demand, if your loved one dies and you hold the viewing and the service by the end of May, Popeyes will throw in a 10-Piece Mixed Chicken Special, complete with 10 Hand-Dipped Chicken Tenders and 5 Biscuits. If you can perform the cremation by the same date, Popeyes will add 2 sides. Throwing ashes in Mudlark Lake and Macaroni and Cheese, a winning combination. My husband partook of Hush Puppies when they scattered his grandfather.

Some of you encountered multiple deaths in the family. When grandmothers from both sides of the family give up their spirits at the Milford Convalescent Center, you don’t want to be malnourished after the priest reads the Last Rites. That’s why a White Meat to Celebrate Life Special is such a welcome relief. And Popeyes will spice up the festivities with Buffalo Wings if they donated their bodies to science. You can be assured that while you’re devouring your White Breast Meat and Cole Slaw that your loved one donated his or her kidney or heart so that that person’s own Celebration of Life gets postponed until their Meaning of Life is fulfilled.

Can’t afford funeral expenses? Not a problem. Milford Funeral Solutions and Popeyes will hold a raffle for 10 lucky contestants. The winner of the drawing will hear “Shall We Gather at the River” for the dearly departed while enjoying a 4-Pack Chicken Sandwich and Potato Fries Combo. We ask that you don’t slurp your Orange Crush during the proceedings out of respect for the dead.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions and experience Christian charity at its finest. As Paul said in 1st Corinthians, there’s 3 things we need to abide by, Faith, Hope, and Charity. But the greatest of them all is a Popeyes Bucket Fill-Up. Heaven will never be the same.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. God bless you all.

 

At the District Board hearing, a concerned parent comes to the podium to voice his concerns

“…and furthermore, anybody who dips her beehive in a tub of Grecian Formula-Phosphate Free and Prell and Quaker State is not fit to be an administrator of Milford High School…”

Hey, best case of committing the Ad Hominem (“To the man”) Fallacy I’ve seen so far. He’ll probably have to restructure his argument should there be an appeal.

 

School’s in for the summer

School’s in forever

School’s IN, OH MY GOODNESS

 

“…where the students don’t matriculate but rather, are marooned. We call this painting ‘Milford High School’. And this is…The Night Gallery.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 1, 2020

Kenny Rogers and the Terminator.

Filed under: baseball, Coach Kaz, Dr. Pearl, Gil Thorp, shadow figures, song parody — robmize2013 @ 7:18 pm

 

Everyone considered him the mayor of the county.

He’d never stood one single time to prove the Mudlarks wrong

His mama named him Michael, but folks just called him Mayor.

Something always told me they were reading Michael wrong

He was only ten years old when Gil saw him throw a baseball

And Gil decided right then he was headed for his team.

I still recall the final words Gil said to his coach Kazzy

“Son, my work is over, but yours has just begun” (I’ll be back)

“Promise me, Kaz, not to do the things I’ve done

Walk away from Knappy if you can

It won’t mean you’re weak if you just knock him on his cheek

I hope you know the Mayor understands

That he dont have the fight to be a man.”

 

April 21, 2020

Lost Cause And Mixed Plots.

Filed under: ?, Chunky Bracelets, huge earrings, Milford Idiots, song parody — tdrewhardin @ 8:54 am

042120

Please

Let this mushy pomp

Shrivel and get stomped

Slink into a sewer hole

I can see the side show

Complete with song and dance

Fade in eternity

Looking through the eyes of ennui

 

Gang, had to John Prine this one more time, given the Ice Castles wannabe we’re about to be subjected to.

And, okay, Thorpiverse, I’ll overlook your sacrificing any action on the diamond by attempting to foist on us a hopeless love story. But do we have to make it sound like The Mayor was trying to rape her in the back of Muench’s Archie Jalopy when he wasn’t sipping on his Cocoa Puffs? Boy, what machismo.

“Here, Phoebe, sniff my breath!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Ooooooooo, you got cooties!!!!!!!!! What did you eat for breakfast, Trix and Shake ‘n’ Bake?????”

“Actually, I also threw in Cracker Jack. Hey, I got a prize.”

And we’ve seen Archie make a move on Veronica and more often than not, it was with Veronica’s consent. Fair enough. But do we have to have Jughead in the front seat, chowing down on 11,546 Bucket Burgers? Yeah, anyone who follows Archie knows that Jughead has a promiscuous appetite. But it’s like Jughead on his 489th Big Mac while Hermie and Oskie get out the rubbers and go to town. Not really a proper setting for a McDonald’s McChicken commercial. Not really the proper atmosphere when you have the kiddies in Mc’D’s parking lot talking about how they love Happy Meals while Trix ‘n’ Bake is implementing other ideas in the background in the front seat. Whopper advertisement? I’ve heard of “Have it your way” but that’s carrying things too far. Let’s keep these mixed plots in perspective, boys and girls. John Prine would have wanted it that way.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Pulls Hamstring And Will Be Incapacitated For 3 Weeks After Incident At Mudlark Lake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was trying to show off in front of Alexa and perform a triple axel in my ice skates and I slammed into the canoe dock to make it worse.”

 

Now

We must bear this sameness

We can see this shameless

Sordid sack of sad burlesque

Reaching out to grab us

Won’t release its grip

Were that we wouldn’t be found

Looking through another bad trip

 

Geez, I just love it when Babe Ruth calls The Shot in the ’32 Series, then falls in love with the catcher on the Rockford Peaches. Takes “A League of Their Own” to another level. All that hand-holding around Yankee Stadium (“The House That Ruth Fondled The Woman’s Private Parts”) and tonguing each other before George Herman takes BP, I think it’ll fly by Siskel & Ebert.

Really, Phoebe has a career night and like the girl in “Ice Castles”, gets blind-sided by an unforeseen occurrence. But at least the skater overcame and won. How do you win against all odds against a sorry-ass plot? Do we really have to get side-tracked into a Nightmare on Love Story after Mr. October wins the Playdowns?

Well, the consolation prize is Phoebe’s earrings aren’t so chunky. She can move her head.

 

Wink Martindale on Milford Dialing for Dollars

“No, that is incorrect, Gil did not play Obi-Wan Kenobi on ‘Star Wars’.  The correct answer was Alec Guiness. But hey, instead of $10,000,000, how about some chunky bracelets as a consolation prize? Sounds great? Okay, what’s the name? Gonzo Pearl? Is that with 2 Z’s?”

 

If ya fall in love with yore hog that ya was gonna slaughter at the Milford Stockyards becuz it could skate in the Milford Ice Rink after gittin’ ed a bucket full of slop without ever once fallin’ on its derriere, ya might be a redneck.

 

And the exploding shoulder has graced the scene after we witnessed the Attack of the Exploding Butts last week, the sequel to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Yes, when you shoot ’em down, they won’t stay dead. They were in your eyeballs for several years until Gil decided he was old enough for Milk of Magnesia. He spread the wealth evidently to Gonzo last week after doling out some to his wife who proceeded to watch the butt crack implode from Alexa. This must be getting contagious.

“Here, Honey, try some Philips on your Caesars Salad and Corn Whispies. It’s excellent protein. Give the rest to your team. Sometimes you need some movement in your offense.”

“Thanks, Hubby. We need to execute the hit-and-run better. She’s just as good as 3rd base.”

 

Late in the game, Gil calls time to the ump and uses his first trip to the mound to check on Gonzo

“How’s your arm holding out?”

“M-OK”

 

And I sincerely project

That even in this reject

We’ll manage to bail out

Knowing she’s beside herself

She’s not noticing

 

Uh oh. I’m feeling another Benita Butrell surging up in my windpipe.

I have always LOVED the comedy stylings of Keenan Ivory Wayans. Many comedians rely upon emoting to be funny. Not Keenan. The dude is simply plain damn funny.

So as long as we’re getting dragged into a hopeless Milford Heights episode, hey, if you can’t beat ’em, make fun of ’em. Take her away, Benita

“Y’know, I saw Mimi Thorp pat Alexa on the derriere after Alexa scored the game-winning lay-up. Mimi was just trying to send a message that smart offense and defense win championships. Go on, Girl.

Actually, she wasn’t gettin’ enough from Gil cuz Gil wuz doin’ his own foreplay with somebody’s behind and winning and soft tushes felt so good, he done tol’ the whole damn team to bend over after practice. The team thought they were being punished by doin’ a suicide drill. And Mimi made ’em do wind sprints in the field and the slowest got a chunka change seized on their person.

And when Phoebe tol’ ol’ Alexa that she had a hard-on for Flushee Face, Alexa showed she had a hard-on for Phoebe by lightin’ a fire on the woman’s arm. This touchy-feely stuff coulda gone lower but this is a sports strip not Penthouse. They ain’t such a thing as non-contact sport in that magazine but they’s more contact in P2 than on the softball diamond. Alexa’s practicing good touches and taggin’ ’em out simultaneously, the way I reckon it.

But I ain’t one to gossip so ya ain’t heard that from me.”

 

Please

Please let the twaddle singe

It’s forcing us to cringe

And we want to forget this flop

Don’t desire to touch it

It feels like laundry lint

Just close the lid

Looking through this rinse cycle plot

 

Hoo boy. Now we’re approaching what I believe will be the meat of the issue, no pun intended. We would have no clue how Milford is doing in baseball and softball, the season has been pre-empted by Gidget Loves Mr. Flushee. We are left at the mercy of the captions, such as the one in the upper left in P3. When we have to take their word for it, it’s going to be a long season. Trust is an essential ingredient if you wish to remain a reader of Thorpiverse. I am a Western buff and I read a lot of “We Were There” series, such as “We Were There…On The Santa Fe Trail” or “We Were There…At Fort Fetterman” or “We Were There…At Sutter’s Mine”. A recent addition was just released “We Were There…At The Mudlark Batting Cages”. Sure to be a good read.

 

Wink Martindale on Jeopardy!

“This thing actually exploded when Gil tried to pat it on the fanny after it was part of a triple play.”

BUZZZZZZZZZ

“Yes, Merle?”

“What is TNT?”

“By God, you are correct. You now have $13,569,371 bringing your 3-day total to $474,629,012. Boy, you could buy a bunch of chunky bracelets with that paycheck. How ’bout we go 50-50? No? Just kidding, Merle. You be sure you get your great aunt out of that nursing home and to Mudlark Lakes Senior Affordable Shelter like you promised her. All right, My Man, still your turn.”

“Bad Plots for $1000.”

 

Oh please, if this is where I’m thinking it’s going, Heaven help us. That’s right, we couldn’t be content with The Mayor grossing us out with his Sugar Pops/Steakburger combo, complete with Lawry’s Salt. Thorpiverse now has to switch gears and go George Jones on us. Sure, I liked his music and The Rolling Stones were big fans of his.

But this “I’m glad you introduced me/And I hope you’ll understand/I’ll be faithful to this bottle in my hand” twist that seems to be looming on the horizon is just ruining the curve on competence of this plot. And is Phoebe going to be Tammy Wynette? Stand by The Mayor? Whoops, I better close Pandora’s Box.

Rice Krispies and Jack Daniels Straight. Sheesh, no wonder why he’s been standing askance on 2nd base.

 

“And that was Phoebe Keener and Tammy Wynette with ‘Stand By Your Man’. We’ll be back with more Milford Kickin’ Country Classics after these messages. This is WDIG-Radio.”

 

“Wasn’t that a wonderful duet? Mimi sings that in the shower all the time. She alternates between that and ‘How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?’.

And the hits ain’t gonna stop, I’ll guara-damn-tee it, if Milford Beverage Warehouse has anything to do with it. Hi, this is Coach Thorp leading the Hit Parade.

Right now, until the COVID-19 scare is a thing of the past, The Warehouse has a great deal to get you out of the house and still maintain social distancing. Lord knows I don’t want any germs on my Jose Cuervo.

Between now and the end of May, for every $50 purchase of any of your favorite liquors in any combinations, The Warehouse will give away a hand-engraved autograph of Wink Martindale on chunky bracelets fresh from the mines of South Africa. Ummmm, ummmm. I can not only quench my thirst with a Heineken, I now have Christmas shopping for Mimi all wrapped up, literally in this case.

How about 2 18-Packs of Coors Lite at $14.99 apiece and a 750 ml bottle of Knob Creek Whiskey thrown in? C’mon, gentlemen, you have daughters. And you can always explain how sexy Wink was when he was hosting “The Price is Right” when Bob Barker was on vacation.

And with Mother’s Day around the corner, chunky bracelets are just the thing to give your grandmother. She can join the rest of the mall walkers and talk about how Wink never needed make-up, his sex appeal could be seen from the New York islands to the redwood forest. For $16.97 a bottle, buy 4 Meiomi Pinot Noir at 750 ml and Wink Martindale and amber waves of grain are practically synonymous.

Going to get married? Gotcha covered. Buy 2 24-Packs of Michelob Ultra at $23.99 a case and The Warehouse will throw in a can of Milford Vending Beer Nuts to send you over the top. Sometines the state tax can only stretch so far so naturally The Warehouse is there to CYA. Hey, I would have wanted Wink Martindale to be there in spirit and give Mimi an autographed chunky bracelet when I couldn’t find the ring at our wedding.

Folks, it just don’t get no better than this. Come down to Milford Beverage Warehouse and do your own permutations. Price you pay if you want the finer things in life in tandem with The Good Life. Come get your booze, chunky bracelet,and a date with Wink all in paper or plastic, here at The Warehouse, and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

Gang, I promise, I’m not off the wagon. I swore off Flushee Puffs and now eat Cheerios. Out of a bowl.

 

“…and then they’s that talkative fool, Marty Moon. He and Peaches went on a 3-day All-Expense-Paid trip done financed by WDIG itself. That first night in bed, Lawdy, WDIG shoulda asked for its money back. Peaches was lookin’ for love, but Girl, Marty had to look under the bed to see if he dropped it. They had to report his sex life to the Mudlark Lake Office Lost and Found. Bump and grind became peck and poke. You do dat on a typewriter, not with your sexual behavior.

But I ain’t one to gossip, so you didn’t hear it from me.”

 

In Gil’s office one fine morning

“They found it under the Gideon’s Bible? No, Benita, I didn’t know that.”

February 25, 2020

Just Wait Till Your Father Gets To Our Gym

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I love the team so well

And the coaches too

And the groovy way that plays can gell

 

Phoebe’s a trip

And she lets it rip

When teammates get pushed into the wall

 

I love Alexa just well

Tho she plays like Hell

Every time she’s in the paint

 

 

Just wait till Mimi gets

Unless she should forget

Wait till Mimi gets home

 

Well, look who showed up at the game to high-five the New-Look Watson. And like Zevon, I’d like to know her tailor. Awoooooooo, Werewolves in Milford.

Wasn’t it just last week that Mimi did a stand-in and practically distanced herself from Phoebe attempting to turn Alexa into a human Rock ’em Sock ’em Robot? Even when Mimi told Alexa that in order to get accepted at Harvard, she had to be a runaway train on offense? Yeah, don’t hokey-pokey this one, Mimi. Put your left foot into your mouth, take it out of your mouth, do the same with your right foot, then shake that thang all about and get your husband sexually aroused who’s sitting in the 3rd row behind the Mudlarkettes Dance Corps and come to the enemy gym lookin’ like The Sharp Dressed Man to greet Alexa as if you’d been step-by-step in this process. Oh, you’ve been stepping in something all right. I just hope your Jordache Jacket doesn’t have cow chips all over it when you take it to Milford Dry Cleaners. One can dream.

 

Because I’m a Western buff and watch shows like Death Valley Days and enjoy them in general but feel occasionally they take liberties with history, knowing that Charles Goodnight had cows but doubting that he had his pet cow in the same relationship a la Roy Rogers and Trigger

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Appeals To Governor For Stay On Execution Of His Pet Zebra, Flossie.”

sub headline

“I couldn’t bear to see it at the slaughterhouse so that somebody could get a cheap T-bone steak.”

 

“Harry Boyle, I don’t like how Alexa is shoving people around all over Milford. She shoved an old lady with a cane the other day and got run over by Gil and Mimi on a tandem. I did some research and found out that the Milford Communist League is behind all this.”

“Oh, Ralph, come on. She’s just trying to up her game. I wish my son Chet had that much energy to get out on his own.”

“That’s what the League WANTS you to think. But if Alexa starts shoving around senior citizens at the Milford Bingo Parlor, pretty soon she’ll be shoving red-blooded Americans straight over the cliff. Then the Commies will put in a new coach and the Mudlarks will have nothing but players reading out of The Red Book.”

“Ralph, did you make this up or have you been in Gil’s office again for Twinkies and coffee?”

“I’m telling you, Harry, don’t blame me if they resurrect Lenin from his tomb and he takes Mimi’s place. Then you’ll have Commies shoving people out of the way when they try to sit in the booth at The Bucket and order Bucket Chop Suey. It’s fishy, Harry.”

“No.”

“Fishy.”

“No.”

“Fishy.”

“NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Look, Alexa is a decent girl. Do you think a valedictorian would want to make America run by Big Brother?”

“They already have Big Brother in power. He draws a paycheck and does nothing. Gil is a model for ‘Each according to their need’. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s reading Trotsky while sitting on the john.”

 

And are we playing in an igloo? Or maybe they’re minion’s in some 8-year-old’s Lego Block set? The consolation prize is that surely that kid isn’t wearing Donettes on his ears like Mimi is displaying while celebrating her non-entity status with Alexa.

 

I worship her joie de vivre

Her breath reeks Febreze

She is perfect in every frickin’ phase

 

Even though she coaches from a telephone booth

Her athletic insights match those of Babe Ruth

 

Wait till Mimi gets

Unless she’s taking bets

Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee

 

She and Gil never go for the kill

They both coach on a fart and a whim

 

 

Mudlarks today like to play their own way

And what Coach Thorp doesn’t know won’t hurt him

 

Boy, wait till Mimi shows up at home indeed. She might learn a thing or two after getting familiar with the architectural design of Jefferson’s gym. Now if only she knew the floor plan of her own. When you have to max on your credit card to rededicate your life to the basketball court via Milford Floor & Tile, well, as the fans always say to bad officiating, “Open up your eyes, you’re missing a good game.” Wanna borrow my 3-D glasses, Mimi?

Because 12 points is an improvement but certainly not enough to convince me that she can sustain that level of play, as if getting called for charging after backing down your woman in the paint then flying on a spree is going to be the table d’hote henceforth. I’d increase the odds if Mimi had a hand in things and not letting Phoebe get thrown to the lions if Alexa backs down a police officer after the game to get out the door to stay true to character, yet be the first in line at the Milford Soup Kitchen to enjoy Alexa’s Crabmeat Special while Phoebe is off in a corner gnawing on Milk Bones. The dignified thing to do would be at least throw Phoebe a pincer every now and then.

 

If yore daddy shows up at yore game after they gave him a 3-day pass, then after ya score 38 points and 24 rebounds to win the game in triple OT, the authorities return him ta the chain gang ta work on the Milford & Oakwood railroad track, ya might be a redneck.

 

And is that Chris in the audience? Well, after all, he’s the second head in this two-headed monster that has replaced Mimi as the coach. I reckon that’s better than no heads on Gil’s team. And that’s scary. Basketball without representation is tyranny. I’d almost welcome Beef-a-Roni/Beef-a-Ghetti Head to lead the boys team in wind sprints.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Heavily Fined And Delivered An Official Reprimand From Milford Condo Suites!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They never told me that a Polled Hereford was not included in the pet policy.”

 

“Irma, it’s bad enough that Chet needs to get his own place and that he got fired after he was caught dumping Cheerios in the Bucket Spaghetti Special when he couldn’t find the Bucket Noodles. But when he’s given a T for imitating a Lear jet and trying to knock the Tilden player on the floor by blowing jet fumes in his ear, trying to intimidate your opponent shouldn’t land you on the bench.”

“So he tried to pass gas on the player when he as boxing out, Harry. Gil taught him that. He told Chet to keep plenty of Bush’s Garbanzo Peas in his locker. He’s teaching him about Life. It may smell but you get the loose rebound anyway. Coaching isn’t always perfect. Mimi’s trying to teach Alice the same thing, only with Safeway Pinto Beans.”

“I hope to God the Milford Feeder League isn’t dispensing that information to Jaime.”

 

Peter-Panning your way to the rebound on the hopscotch board and holding your breath that the Tilden player in P3 is merely answering the altar call at the Billy Graham Reach Everyone in Milford By 2025 Crusade and not getting her patellae overworked. That’s the system Mimi’s using (we think) . As Phoebe said (that Mimi should have said) , the calls even out.

 

Today’s Black History Month installment is George Liele, a former slave who eventually became the first African-American missionary. Starting out in Savannah, Georgia in the Baptist denomination, he built a solid congregation, though he was a Loyalist, his reason being that he wanted no part of the Colonialists’ toleration of slaveholders in the American South.

Liele moved to Jamaica to start his mission work, eventually establishing another church that proved to be fruitful. Though plantation owners there were initially against his ministry due to fears of emancipation of their own slaves, Liele overcame all doubts, not to mention the notion that African-Americans could not escape the vicious cycle of slavery.

Instead, he showed through perserverance and love that African-Americans could live productive lives without chains bound to them. His ministry influenced many and further advanced the Human Race. Please join me in saluting a man who accomplished great things and helped people take a giant step forward.

 

“And Alexa knocks Jane Doe to the deck after kick-boxing on the drive. Alexa will be at the line to complete the 3-point play. Time out is called by Tilden with the score in the tenth round, rather, 3rd quarter, Milford, 47, Tilden, 31. We’ll take a commercial break, this is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG-Radio, a division of Learfield Sports.”

 

“When The Bucket is still trying to strong-arm the Milford Zoning Board to obtain a liquor license, even if they play dirty pool or throw somebody in a pool, that’s one thing. Personally, I’ve been on the bad end of blowouts and that’s the time to clear your bench, not try to claw back into a 51-point deficit. But maybe The Bucket knows how?to handle the 2-minute drill better than I do and will one day sell Schlitz and Sundaes on any given day.

But when they won’t allow honest, tax-paying citizens onto their Food Court area unless you have a Bucket Food Court Member card, that’s when they need to be called for over-and-back, that’s too many halfcourts crossed as far as I’m concerned.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and let me tell you, Milford Beverage Warehouse says Come unto us, all ye that are hungry and heavy-laden and we will give you rest, booze, and some grub. Our credit is easy and our Food Court is wide. You won’t see any Pinkertons patrolling the area to check to see if you paid your admission. You can sit down and enjoy Big Mac’s and Korbel, $9.99 a bottle, and not have to worry about your papers being in order.

Want a Whopper and some Natural Light Naturdays in the 30-Pack? For $18.99 and some loose change, you can bask in the sunlight at the arboretum section of the Food Court and for a few dollars more you can make it a combo. Fries and a large Nestea Unsweet and the sun rays are still free, isn’t it nice to enjoy Cheeseburgers in Paradise without Dirty Harry sticking his Magnum up your butt?

But we’re not all Ronald McDonald and Golden Arches around here. Long John Silver’s was another chain gracious enough to grace their presence here in the ambiance that is the Food Court. And if it’s atmosphere you want, The Warehouse is willing to oblige. And the obligation is pretty affordable when you’re consuming LJS Salmon Platter and Hush Puppies with Maker’s Mark Whiskey 1.75 Liter serving as your chaser. At $23.99 and lunch money, Boy, I’ll go out to the Bering Strait with the fishermen to snare some more. Salmon, of course, there’s no Maker’s Mark north of the Arctic Circle.

Now are you going to fork over $250 for a non-refundable, non-redeemable membership card and just get Bucket Rib Sandwiches in a cage? If they EVER get their liquor license, who really wants Bucket Clam Chowder and Coors Light in a roped-off area that would be better used as a playground than a so-called Food Court? With Adam-12 looking over your shoulder? No thank you.

Come to Milford Beverage Warehouse where our Food Court stocks Happy Meals and Wendy’s Doubles, Hardees Thickburgers and Domino’s Breadsticks for that discriminating liquor connoisseur and all you gotta do is leave your attitude at the door. You won’t need a hall pass to enjoy Jim Beam and Whoppers with Cheese. Don’t take my word for it. Come see for yourself and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

Thanks for your patience, Gang. You didn’t pull an Alexa on me. God bless you.

 

Driving the streets of Milford one night after Tuesday Open League Bowling Night at Milford Bowl-a-Rama

“Harry, these Commies think they can overrun Milford without us Mudlarks firing a shot. But I’ve got a sure-fire prevention method to contain any Pancho Villas from being the janitor at Mudlark gym.”

“Ralph, let it go. I haven’t heard any ugly rumors about Maoists or Marxists invading our fair city. That’s as sure a thing as the Mudlarks making the Playdowns.”

“And let Fidel tear your ticket at the ticket window? Khruschev sell peanuts and Bud in the stands? Lin Piao be the timer? When I have the most fool-proof plan this side of the ocean?”

“Awwrriight, I’ll take the bait. What do you have in mind?”

“Simple. We look in the phone book for everyone with the last name ‘Thorp’. Gus Thorp. Sigourney Thorp. Abraham Thorp. Grandma Moses Thorp. Elmo Thorp. Bubba Thorp. Tom Thumb Thorp. William Makepeace Thorp. Pytor Ilyich Thorp. The whole Thorp crowd. Our vigilante group will round ’em up and send them on the next cruise shop bound for Russia.”

“Ralph, there’s a number of honest Americans with the last name ‘Thorp’.”

“I realize that. If they brush their teeth with a 9-iron and use Quaker State to lubricate their car and hair, I’ll assume they’re on the side of Old Glory.”

 

 

I love Coach Thorp so swell

But she starts to yell

Everytime she’s advised to coach

 

Just wait till Mimi gets

She wears a nice hair net

Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee

 

 

“Hi, Mimi. Long day?”

“Ah, I let the kids work on the press-breaker. Those Bucket Tenderloins are to die for. Have you seen their Food Court?”

 

December 17, 2019

Watson, Come Here Into The Gym, We Need You To Play Basketball

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A few years ago, Lester Holt was interviewing a lawyer involved in a controversial case somewhere in rural North Carolina. I can’t remember the exact details but if you’ll allow me to improvise, it was concerning some business or radio station that was defending its Constitutional rights when comments laced with profanity was published or said on the air.

When Holt asked the lawyer about the crux of the case, the lawyer proceeded to quote what he and his plaintiffs were complaining about, bearing in mind this was NOT the defendant’s lawyer

“…and we are objecting to ‘Up shit creek’ or ‘I want to fuck you blind’ or ‘Gil couldn’t coach out of a douchebag’…”

And FINALLY Holt mercifully interrupted the lawyer, since this was on an NBC News Magazine and therefore national news, by saying

ALL RIGHT WE GET THE POINT WE DON’T NEED THIS BARRAGE OF PROFANITY ON NATIONAL TV THERE ARE KIDS WATCHING THIS SHOW

Holt afterwards apologized profusely for what arguably wasn’t necessary to quote on TV, especially because again this was the same lawyer fighting AGAINST what he himself was guilty of and was fighting, i.e., the usage of inappropriate language to drive home the issue.

And Thorpiverse

WE GET THE JOKE. IT MIGHT HAVE TAKEN ANOTHER 3-PANEL SET TO CATCH IT BUT WE HAVE A FIRM GRASP ON THE HUMOR WE DON’T NEED TO SKIP OVER GIRLS BASKETBALL LIKE WE DID LAST YEAR AND PICK UP WHERE LEFT OFF AND TRY TO GET CREATIVE WITH WATSON COMEDY AT THE BUCKET

They don’t have homework? Richie and Ralph and Potsie and The Fonz sit around at Al’s and conjure up new ways to express themselves about Richie Cunningham’s dad?

The Foghorn Leghorn approach

“Oh, say, can you C, Mr. C.?”

“That’s a funny, Dad.”

 

 

“Oh, Howard, you spilled your fruit punch all over your pants. Let me get you a Bounty.”

“Marion, I’m fine. I’ll just throw them in the wash later…”

“Aaaaayyyyyyy, Mr. C., I wouldn’t let that Hi-C settle on you, Mr.C. You’ll have a sea full of Vitamin C Hi-C all over Mr.C., see?”

“Eat the rest of your peas, Arthur. Here, Howard, here’s a Kleenex.”

 

Gang, if we have to have several more panels of Hee Haw, we’re in trouble

“Man, Roy, I can’t find those county corn yield reports anywhere. Can you help me look?”

“They ain’t come out of Lulu the Supercomputer’s mouth yet, Buck.”

Archie Campebell steps in

“That’s all right. Heck, Lulu’s so fat, they have to perform a Lamaze procedure when she’s spitting printouts.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Alexa, is that you

I hope that football’s finally through

Basketball could be in view

I can pray

Hard to say

There’s only one thing that there’s left to play

Tip-off might be any day

 

We gotta get you a ballgame

It’s the only thing to show that this plot is alive

We gotta get you a ballgame

You better quit walkin’

They call that stuff Traveling

 

Because I’m amused because I saw a sign on a grocery store advising customers to

PLEASE DON’T PARK IN FRONT OF THE STORE

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Local Resident Fined Severely For Double-Parking At Milford IGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Shaw: ‘I was just getting eggs for my wife. And that Iams Beef a-Plenty 15-lb. bag for my huntin’ dog was hard on my back.'”

 

Let me get the obvious out of the way in P1. The girls are actually drawn pretty darn well and Phoebe is a cutie in that scene.

Then we get to her burger. Oh my.

Unless The Bucket is marketing Art Nouveau Leaning Towers of Pisa disguised as an overloaded Big Mac with one pickle and onion too many, I think I’ll order the Bucket Full o’ Pasta. C’mon, I’m still utilizing the Italian language.

I could go to a Milford Zoning Board meeting with that structure and make my case for a high-rise condo unit on a vacant lot in Downtown Milford. Drainage shouldn’t be a problem with that thing, just set that Tower of Babel at a perpendicular and the grease is as good as gone. I’ll get approved at next month’s meeting, unanimously.

Now I delve into the not-so-obvious. This one will have to be broken down if we’re to build the logic back up.

And what better way to dive into deductive reasoning than to transpose what’s being said in P1 to Pop’s Choklit Shoppe where Archie and Veronica are sitting in a booth.

“Oh, Archiekins, I am buying the Popsburger Combo with Extra Buffalo Fries and a side order of Onion Rings and Pop’s Veggie Lasagna because Daddy ran over Jughead in his Lamborghini.”

“Did they get Mr. Lodge for a DUI?”

“Now you know Daddy doesn’t drink and drive, Love.”

“That’s true. You still want to go to the drive-in movie. We can go right after Jughead’s funeral.”

“Oh, Archiekins, you say the sweetest things.”

 

If yore computer is nicknamed “Bubba” because it’s the only computer on the planet that gives ya printouts while its butt’s hangin’ out, sportin’ more pimples in its crack than a teenager, ya might be a redneck.

 

Talking ’bout Thorp, he’s so under the gun

This plot is stupid, not a lot of fun

Let’s hope that basketball won’t be shunned

And then we’ll take some time to get your stuff together

GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER

Cuz, we gotta get you a ballgame…

 

But enjoy the generic School Cafeteria Burger, Alexa. All students get a free one everytime someone calls him or her HAL.

“Would you mind passing the mustard, Dave?”

 

 

“Will Archie Andrews and Moose Mason use hedge clippers to pare the rest of Mr. T.’s grandson’s head? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion here on WDIG-TV.”

 

Because I’m in eternal wonder over these ED ads advising a person to throw away his old dick pills

 

At Mudlark Lake Resort one Autumn afternoon

 

THESE GODDAM PILLS AREN’T GETTING ME ANY HARDER THAN MARTY’S HEAD!!!!!!!!!!! THIS NAXIUM IS WORTHLESS. THE PHARMACIST SAID IT WOULD TAKE CARE OF MY HEARTBURN AND MY ED PROBLEMS. I’M FLUSHIN’ THESE SUCKERS-

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

YEAH?

“Daddy, I gotta go #2 bad. My Underoos are stinky already.”

“Hold on, Jaime. Daddy has to unload some garbage and this can’t wait THAT’S THE LAST TIME I LISTEN TO THOSE ASSHOLES AT MILFORD APOTHECARY. THEY SAID MY WIENER WOULD TURN TO STONE AFTER I USED MIRALAX. I CAN SHIT LIKE A RHINO BUT MY WIENIE’S STILL A WIENIE-

Mimi approaches

“Gil, you OK? They can hear you from the other side of the lake. I could hear you cuss at the boat ramp over the Evinrude motor and that thing was louder than a Who concert.”

“I’m sorry, Honey, but I got to flush my troubles down the drain. The Pharmacy Grad Student at Milford Community College said the Children’s Mucinex Nightshift Relief would cause my thingamabob to be stiff enough to hang a flag on. Snot’s runnin’ out of it more than blood’s flowin’ into it. I’m flushin’ this across the Charon.”

“Gil, you’re in an outhouse.”

“Mimi, I couldn’t care less if I’m in the penthouse. When I use my Mudlark Visa Gold to buy Milford Apothecary Ibuprofen, I expect to dominate my women like Thor shootin’ one out of the sky.”

“Gil, I have a better idea. Why don’t you try one of the EREC-STYLE 9800 that I stuffed in your stuffing and consider it a pre-Christmas gift? It works better than Coricidin or Vick’s VapoRub.”

“HEY THAT’S IT. LET ME RUB SOME ON MY OSCAR MEYER WIENER AND YOU WILL TRULY BE IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Maybe so, but in the meantime, you’ll have to clean the poopie off the jungle gym. Jaime just had an accident.”

 

“Why go through all that frustration when I could have used EREC-STYLE 9800, sold exclusively at Milford Men’s Clinic. No more throwing Aleve or Bayer in the dumpster for Milford Sanitary Solutions to pick up. I am not only having the time of my life, but the bathroom is free for my kids when they’ve eaten one chimichanga too many at Milford Taco Bell. Come get your fun at the Clinic and leave Garbage Day for your canteloupe rinds. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

Thanks to Cooper Stewart of Louisville, Kentucky for help with the above idea. Cooper works hard and his raw sense of humor keeps me going and gives me GREAT ideas. Cooper represents America with his dedication to his job and just by being himself. Don’t ever change, My Man. America needs you.

 

Go at it, Gang. I’m going to court to testify for Mr. Lodge. They say he was guilty of pulling a Gil with his car. I wonder how you get busted just by owning an idle car that plops its butt on the practice field but we do have Due Process, Thank God.

 

And when we’re done with youuuuu

We’ll do it with baseball, too.

 

Thanks for putting up with my love for Todd Rundgren. You’re #1 in my book, Gang.

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