This Week in Milford

August 5, 2017

Return to Janet’s Diner?


We have left the
Field in Milford
for the diner
Named for Janet
‘Least I think it’s
Janet’s Diner
‘Cause it don’t
Look like The Bucket

Who is in this
Bunch of losers?
Now we’ll learn
Of their backstories
Or as Gilda’s
Baba Wawa
Might say,
“Wet’s wisten in”

Let’s start out with
The big hoopster
He once played
for Bishop Tardy
He’s rehabbing
After knee work
So he’s hooked up
With Eight Elbows

And I think
It kinda odd
That he’s eating
Diner food
And I’m thinking
A pro athlete
Could spring
For healthy grub

He’s working
With Trey Davis
But they keep it
On the down low
Is Trey more
Than just a trainer?
Jaquan said
He was “full-service”

And I’m thinking
Of perversities
That go on
In Trey’s folks’ house
Has he filled it
Full of Muscle Marys?
How I
Wish I had brain bleach

‘Cross from Jaquan
Sits this geezer
All his shirts
Are labeled “Monmouth”
He’s indulging
Daughter Heather
But he
Sucks at throwing footballs

And I couldn’t
Help but notice
That Heather’s now stuck
In the corner
How did this
Turn into mansplaining?
How did
This go so wrong?

What about
The kid Pelwecki?
Oh, I didn’t
see him still here
Do you think
He’ll play at fullback?
Only if Gil’s
Passed out drunk…

And if all the rest are hurt…
And if Milford’s out
Of the playdown hunt…

To the Milford Country Club
Let’s watch Gil berate some kids


March 16, 2017

If Gil Only Had the Nerve


Yeah, you called me on it, Tina
I’m just a Milford wiener
Don’t coach, I just observe

But now I’ve started meddlin’
Someone’s got some Oxy’s peddlin’
Yeah, I got a lot of nerve

Phallic trophies I may brandish
Thanks to golden boy True Standish
Honors that I don’t deserve

But my team’s been gettin’ beaten
‘Cause your Aaron ain’t been eatin’
But I got a lotta nerve?

Now don’t be getting nervous
I’ll be calling Social Service(s)
‘Cause they’re only there to serve us
And we don’t all always get what we deserve…

Then you’re sure to lose your jobs,
Your car, your son. Some nerve!

(apologies Bert Lahr)


Reason I like the color version of the strip today: without it, I’d have thought the furniture was made of the same plaster as the walls.

Reason I don’t like the color version of the strip today: Who has skintone teeth outside of a low-budget Hanna-Barbera cartoon?* Maybe I’m wrong and those are just Tina’s badly cracked lips.

*Speaking of meddlin’

August 4, 2016

Tell Ya, We Don’t Like It


You ain’t got no way of ending a plot
I gotta tell you that this story line is shot
You takin’ us on some kind of endless ride
You done this ever since Boo Radley died

Tell us something good
Tell us that you’ll end this, yeah
Tell us something good
Tell us it’s still summer, yeah

Sense of time is what you let slip away
You drag this out like there’s 48 hours to each day
Your problem is that you milked this puppy dry
We’re so bored with this, we don’t even try

Tell us something good
(tell us tell us tell us)
Tell us that it’s tee time, yeah
Tell us something good
(tell us tell us tell us)
Bring back Herk the Mauler, yeah

You ain’t got no kind of master plan
All your tales are told from the perspective of a man
You refuse to give us strong leads that are girls
Some of us think you should sit on it and twirl

Tell us something good
(tell us tell us tell us)
Give Del’s wife a new man, yeah
Tell us something good
(tell us tell us tell us)
Mimi and the pool boy, yeah

Got no idea how to let True get away
(Got no clue, no, got no clue)
College kickoff is less than a month away
Your problem is you gave us more of him than we could take
Let him go, ship his ass on off to Wake

Tell us something good
(tell us tell us tell us)
Wrap this story up, yeah
Tell us something good
(tell us tell us tell us)
Ready for some football, yeah

(lather, rinse, repeat)

edit: The tune, for reference.



January 7, 2016

Young Miss Kenzie


Young Miss Kenzie wants to be a ball player
First she’s got to learn to box
Gonna lay in bed with no socks
Flexes her elbow, taut and free
(Mimi’s folly) wait and see
Drink up the lake, Kenzie’s awake
(Mimi’s folly) Mimi’s mistake?

Young Miss Kenzie, used to playing rugby
First she’s got to watch Ken Brown
Wellington team comes to town
Rosters to be named and name-dropped
(Bobby Mitchell?) Tracy Schroeder?
Mike, Max and Ken, here we go again
(Mimi’s folly) we’re ready to go

Young Miss Kenzie wants to be a power forward
First she’s gotta learn defense
She’s gotta make this plot make some sense
Film to be watched; practice? nah!
(Mimi’s folly) I believe
Here we go again, Mike, Max and Ken
(Mimi’s folly) Mimi’s mistake?

Young Miss Kenzie, THUD! to the head
(Mimi’s folly) we’re ready to go
Mimi’s mistake, THUD! to the head
(Mimi’s folly) we’re ready to go

(apologies Ayers, Berry, Buck, Mills, Stipe)

August 6, 2015

Quarterback of Sorts (Prepscoop)

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp, song parody — teenchy @ 7:06 pm


There’s Rodney Curtis, and his pal,
True Standish, a quarterback of sorts.
Tronix Camp, Clemson shirt, Power Blast.
Four-star prospects don’t wear jorts.

Get a load of Coach Thorp, “What’cha gonna do?” Get a load of Coach Thorp,
Prepscoop (is coming) into town. Prepscoop (is coming) into town.
Prepscoop (is coming) into town.

(repeat 1st verse and chorus)

Not about, not about, not about a school.
All about, all about, all about my brand.

(repeat chorus)

There’s another, unnamed, recruiting site.
Worth, somehow, sixty million bucks.
Tronix Camp, Passing Camp, extra zing.
True Standish, Curtis.

(repeat chorus)

(apologies Berry/Buck/Mills/Stipe)

July 31, 2014

Scenes from Janet’s Diner

July 31, 2014


I am sitting
Here in Milford
At the diner
Named for Janet
I am drinking
A Coke bought me
By a kid
Named Truman Standish

We were talking
About college
And before
I mention EMU
I am looking
O’er my shoulder
At somebody
Coming in

It is only
Austin Shuford
He’s a run-
ning back for Milford
He is looking
For a cold drink
They don’t have them
At his practice

And I look
The other way
As they are shaking
Their hellos
And I’m pretending
Not to notice
His moustache
Like Groucho Marx

I open
Up the whiskey
And I slip it
In my soda
I might die
While I am drinking
Might be better
Than this blather

And I’m tuning
Out the niceties
And thinking
About Mimi
Will she feed me
More potato salad?
I hope
Not for God’s sake

There stands Shuford
With his cold drink
Leaning too close
To True Standish
No he does not
Really know True
‘Cause he does
Not watch Coast football

And I’m trying
Not to notice
That his cup’s not
From this diner
What if I
Asked him where it came from?
“It came
from Marty Moon”

“Oh, I grew
Up on the freeways”
“Have you heard of
Luckey Haskins?
“I am mov-
ing to the Valley”
I am thinking
Of Mimi…

And of the ‘tater salad
And the swimming pool
Before the two-a-days

And I finish up my soda
And it’s time to hang with Kaz

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