This Week in Milford

May 1, 2021

Baby Brito

Abel Brito is a pest
Fixating on the library
Why can’t he give it a rest?
Why must he be so contrary?

Katy Brito loves her guy
She’s thankful that her dad isn’t meaner
Gonna give Zane a surprise
After swinging by the Cantina

She knows what it’s about
You’d think she’d thought this out
You might as well just shout
It’s gonna get Zane kicked out

And then they started sucking face
Katy brought a little cream and sugar
Can’t bring food into this place
Who said anything about coffee?

Though he didn’t play last year
Zane should remember ’bout the former Mayor
If he gets tossed out on his ear
It’s the end of him as a player

She knows what it’s about
You’d think she’d thought this out
You might as well just shout
It’s gonna get Zane kicked out

You know it’s no butter knife
But if he gets banned for life
What will he do at night?

What will Zane do after this?
Can’t buy a new computer
Maybe he’ll take his bro and sis
Sit in the car and wait and be a commuter

If Abel Brito has his way
No computers, no drinks, no eating
Family’s gonna make him pay
Givin’ him a verbal beating

He knows what it’s about
You’d think he’d thought this out
He might as well just pout
When he sees his daughter make out

(apologies to the late Elliott Smith)

March 20, 2021

Playin’ Burr, Sir!

Off to Vermont we go where we find the Lady Mudlarks playing a team that would seem better suited to be a rival of St. Fabian’s. (Burr and Burton’s most famous alumnus is Bill W.) The Chief has drawn Neal’s buddy at the Detroit News pretty accurately and has her throwing no-look passes and setting fruity picks. (Meanwhile, Louis C.K. is picking up the scraps of his career in stripes, though doing it a girls’ basketball games isn’t the best look.) “Toyota” Cressa Baxter’s efforts are quickly for naught as Milford quickly begins to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory… and oh, look at whose feet Rubin has chosen to lay the defeat: this season’s designated heel and shallow girl. Doesn’t take much to imagine a conversation like this:

Pardon me.
Are we playin’ Burr, sir?

…and Burton. Who’s asking?

Oh, well, sure, sir
Tessi “The Contessa” Milton, I’m at your service, sir
I have been looking for you

I’m getting nervous…

Sir…
I play the game at Milford.
I was seeking some attention for the Lady Mudlarks
When I got sort of out of sorts with a buddy of Doug’s.
I may have teased him. It’s a blur, sir.
He handles the announcements?

You teased Vic Doucette.

Yes!
I wanted him to call for us.
Rile up the crowd, then give us silly nicknames.
He looked at me like I was date bait; I’m no prom date!
So why’m I so bad? Why ride in his grandpa van?

You shouldn’t flirt with nerdy boys just ’cause you can.

I’m a player. Of course, I’m a player!
God, I wish that I could score
Then I could prove that I’m worth more than Corina Karenna (whore!)

Want to hear what I think?

That would be nice

While we’re talking
Let me offer you some free advice.
Shoot less.

What?

Block more.

Huh.

Don’t lead on that kid Vic Doucette; he’ll go with four.

You can’t be serious!

You wanna get ahead?

Yes

Girls who can’t play defense will get read.

January 30, 2021

Sometimes, the Lyrics Write Themselves

Want a guard who races? I tell you I’m your man
I play some, skip some, all the same to me

What do you wanna bet, am I blond or a brunette?
The Bucket’s where I feed, my car is all I need, I’m Doug Guthrie!
I’m Doug Guthrie!

Restoring a barn find, rebuilt it with my dad
Got my GTO, I don’t need girls you see

Showing up for Oakwood, Gil is watching me
Pick a sport or quit, I don’t give a shit, I’m Doug Guthrie!
I’m Doug Guthrie!

My tailbone’s on the ground, I’m goin’ round and round
But that’s the way I like it baby
I don’t wanna win the Valley

And don’t forget Vic Doucette!

Pushing up the roundball, the defense gotta see me
Reach in and weep, slapped out my hand again

You see it in my eyes, I’ve let practice slide
We’ll blow this game you’ll see, it’s gonna be on me, I’m Doug Guthrie!
I’m Doug Guthrie!

September 11, 2020

I’m just a libero

Filed under: big arms, song parody, Volleyball — robmize2013 @ 7:55 pm

Thanks again to teechy for filling in for me again on my latest trip – this time to Munising Michigan in the Upper Peninsula as my amazing summer draws to a close. Lake Superior is magnificent to say the least, although the gale force winds Sunday afternoon and Monday morning put the kibosh on our kayaking plans. We’ll try again in 3 weeks in the Mississippi River. Teenchy is getting like Joan Rivers on the Tonight Show when Johnny Carson was close to retirement- seems like you saw her more then Johnny for a couple years. Keep up the good work buddy!

I’m in the mood for a song, so in the immortal words of the former paramedic David Lee Roth, here goes…

I’m just a libero, and everywhere I go

People know the role I’m playing

Paid for every game, stealing stuff in shame

Ooh, what they’re sayin’

There will come a day when Milford goes away

What will they say about me?

When volleyballs’ a go The setters only know

I’ll kill a Goshen as a libero.

I’m just a libero and everywhere I go

Maureen knows the hat I’m stealin.

Paid by True in cash, selling my old hash

Ooh, what they’re sayin’

But there will come a day when Mimi draws a play

What will they say about me?

When the pizza comes, I know I was just a libero

Life goes on without me, ’cause

I…………..cant find a high school

No high school

No Mod school

No high school

Moooooms so sad and lonely

Sad and lonely, sad and lonely…..

July 31, 2020

Come On Maureen

 
 
 
 
 
Poor old Phoebe K
Sounded sad she lost her Alexa
But she found Corinna Karenna
Their waitress knew
All about Hiawatha
True is grown  (so grown)
So grown (so grown up)

Now the girls can be so clever

Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye ay

And there’s a huge mitt on the table
 
 
Come on, Maureen, oh I swear (what she means)
At this moment, you know everything
You need more tips, that mitt I confess
Is so dirty
Ah, come on, Maureen
 
Come on, Maureen.
 
 
 
The Mayor ’round here
Was beaten down, eyes sunk in Val Mod place
They’re resigned to what their fate is
But not  (no, never), no, not us (no, never)
Phoebe’s far too young and clever
(Remember)
Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye aye
And you’ll  dance with True  forever…
 
 
Come on, Maureen, oh, I swear (what he means)
Ah, come on let’s tell him everything
Rina’s a catch, Maureen (tell him yes)
Ah, come on let’s, ah, come on, Maureen
Milfords a mess, Maureen (nothing less)
Ah, come on, fess
Ah come on Maureen…
 
 
Come on, Maureen, too rye aye
Come on, Maureen, too rye aye
Now you’re full grown
Now you have shown
Oh, Maureen
Said, come on, Maureen
That mitt it is  real and I know
How you feel
Now True must say more than ever
Things ’round here have changed
I say, too ra loo ra, too raloo rye aye
Come on, Maureen
Oh, I swear (what he means)
At this moment, you mean everything
You in that dress, True’s thoughts are a mess
Table’s dirty
Ah, come on, Maureen
 
 
Oh, come on, Maureen
Oh, I swear (what he means)
At this moment, he needs every lead
Who you address, Hiawatha is next
Theyre all  dirty
Come on, Maureen
Come on, Maureen
 
 

 
 
 
 

June 13, 2020

You Gotta Fight for Your Right to Fungo!

gt06132020

Strange way to pay tribute to Adam Yauch’s memory there, Chief, by having this Valley Mod bungler name check MCA’s old band. Speaking of the Beasties: oh look, there’s…

Girls, who knew Milford still had girls?
And at Valley Tech it’s girls
They’re playin’ softball, those girls

I thought their season was toast
‘Cause Milford football means the most
The Mayor always made them smile
From The Bucket to the Nile

Back in the day
There was this girl called Phoe-bay
She liked my homepiece Mikey K
She said she might just give him play
‘Cause he would give her a parade
Instead he flashed her with a blade
That punk-ass Rooney got dismayed
Then Mike Knappe was sent away

I heard him say
Against the Mudlarks he would play
But killjoy Gildeaux said, “No way!”
Eleven misfits? Hey, that’s great!
Don’t look now, here we are today
Who knew that Milford girls still played?
They only played one game in May
Saw Phoebe just the other day

Jockin’ Mike Knappe to my dismay

Girls with rally hippos
Girls down at The Bucket
Girls with peanut butter
Girls make me say [censored]

Girls, that’s all we really want is girls
A decent plot about girls
Not as arm candy I want girls
Neal can’t whip out any girls
Girls, girls, girls, girls…

May 21, 2020

“No, I’m Doing Time For Stealing Keri’s Lunch Money.”

 

052120

Well, we have no choice

Be with girls and boys

That stirred some noise

Cuz they stole Gil’s toys

 

Well, we can’t salute Gil

He’s not around

If that don’t suit ya

Get outta town

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School’s been changed to prison

 

Okay, you whippersnappers, I love your music and always have but doncha dare touch Alice Cooper. Vintage, Baby. “Billion Dollar Babies”, “Love it to Death”, “Killer”, I’m tellin’ ya, I could go on. His Christian beliefs are a bonus and I mean the man LIVES the faith. Great musician and he is a testimony to all around, I’m in Heaven.

 

So now The Mayor gets dropped off and I’m sure he’s a little uneasy and who can blame him? Would you want YOUR mom going to the administration wing of Milford Reformatory and tell the lady at the desk she wants to get you enrolled? Oh, sure, here’s his birth certificate and his test scores from Milford Elementary. He might have to take Algebra again, he was having trouble with direct proportion. Yes, I can fax you his physical from our doctor. And he has to be passing in 4 solid subjects to be on the team? I’ll make a note of it. I’ll get a tutor for him in Modern Vocab. And call me if his grades are slipping.

 

While “Moanin'” is blasting from Charles Mingus off of “Blues and Roots” out of Dr. Pearl’s 8-track player

GODDAMIT!!!!! HIS REFORM SCHOOL RECORD IS SOMEWHERE ON THE DESK!!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS UNDER THE MILFORD PEST CONTROL INVOICE!!!!!!!!!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Yes?”

Coach Kaz opens the door

“Uh, Dr. Pearl, could you have the Pest Control guy do some extra spraying under the map of Slovakia? I saw a hornet’s nest.”

 

And conceding that moping wasn’t getting him anywhere, who wants to go to a school that supposedly calls itself Valley Alternative when the sign up front appears to read Goshen? As in Goshen Institute for Wayward Children? Goshen Treatment Center for Problem Students? By gum, if we can’t break him of his habit of bringing Chinet Plastic Knives to school, he deserves to share the lavatory with Papa Bader.

And coming from an engineering family (grandpa worked for Chrysler and G.E.) , I love math. And math involves fallacies in certain arguments. Like “post hoc ergo propter hoc”. This literally (everything is Latin henceforth) means “after this, therefore because of this” or loosely translated “I ain’t got no goddam business at a school that can’t even label its marquee board correctly”. This argument suffers from saying that B occurs whenever A occurs, therefore A causes B.

That won’t wash because B could occur for a number of reasons having nothing to do with A. B could be caused by Z or M or omega or Dr. Pearl’s Dentu-Cream. Proper research is in order.

The Mayor getting sent to Gil’s Reformatorium is a classic case of “post hoc ergo propter hoc.” Just because a common table knife was discovered in The Mayor’s locker does not necessarily mean it belongs to The Mayor, a point I’m sure Hadley Varnish will hit home at the District Board meeting. It could have been used by Coach Shaw to rob the Milford 7-11 to get some cash and condoms. The need for some chump change and no more children from his horny wife got to be too much, evidently. But he had to stash the evidence or it would blow his cover as a cameo coach.

The Bucket could have used his locker for table knives because the dispenser had to be sterilized and stacking them next to his street clothes and his table d’hote was about as sanitary an alternative as anyone could get. They just forgot to get all the knives when Milford Sanitary Enterprises returned the machine after a thorough dousing of suds.

And really, you could extend “post hoc ergo propter hoc” to The ‘Mudlark Whiffleball’  bumper sticker on Mama Knappe’s minivan was not necessarily a direct result of Gil’s coaching.” For all we know, Gil could have been trying to golf one out of the sand trap at Milford Public Golf Course when The Mayor parked one in the stands and won MVP as a result. Making Mama proud and getting on the green to save par don’t always correlate.

 

No more baseball

No more knives

No more living

A Mudlark’s life

 

Gil is past due

Out to pasture

Gone to Hole 9

Plot’s much faster

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gil’s Reformatorium For Discarded Plotline Characters To Construct An Extension Onto The Student Life Section!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Studies indicate a growing need for a building concentrating on meeting needs of ex-petty larceny contingent.”

 

And many of you simply fail to understand Fallacy of Division. This is totally different from Fallacy of Composition. Don’t get them confused. Fallacy of Composition states that if one’s a bum, they’re all bums.

Let’s bring it close to home. Say I throw out “Marty Moon wears a goatee and is a snake in the grass, therefore all men who wear goatees are cowardly, yellow-bellied vipers and only foot odor smell worse than their ethics. You can’t spray Dr. Scholl on Marty’s broadcasting techniques or the persona of other men who broadcast or perform white-collar duties or otherwise punch a time clock to earn a paycheck.”

This is faulty reasoning. If that were true, Magic Johnson would have been spraying liberally when he wasn’t executing the 3-on-2 against the Celtics at the LA Forum. Charles Mingus would be slithering around the studio while trying to play bass on “Better Git It In Your Soul”. Gil would be banging Mimi 24/7 in the closet when the kids were away at summer camp. Gil’s ethics, work or otherwise, may be shaky but for now just assume there’s nothing but coats and hangers in the closet. And that Gil displayed a goatee at one time just to aid and abet in this argument. You’ll just have to use your imagination.

Fallacy of Division IS JUST THE OPPOSITE. PLEASE keep that in mind so that when you’re taking the exam, you don’t miss the question and flunk the course and wind up sitting behind The Mayor in Intro to Sociology at Goshen Alternative Life Skills Academy.

Fallacy of Division says that if the whole group is one way, then the individual members are too. If that were true, Band of Gypsies, the classic by Jimi Hendrix, would have relegated him, Buddy Miles on drums, and Billy Cox on bass to nomadic status. They played music, not wandered the Mojave Desert with a caravan of Joe Tourists and Joe Gypsies.

Therefore, when Gil called The Mayor an idiot, he committed a most grievous error. Yes, Gil, I’ll concede that you’ve assembled a whole baseball team of idiots because, as Coach Stuard taught me, the coach is the tree and the players are the branches and if the coach is an idiot, well, Gil, do you expect the team to subsequently play smart and hard? Well?

STILL, with that said, if the team is composed of many garbage men, does that make The Mayor an employee for Milford Sanitary Engineering Solutions, Inc.? Well, you don’t see a garbage can lid in P2, do you? He didn’t ride to work in a garbage truck with “Milford Baseball Mom” bumper sticker on the back of the vehicle.

Therefore, assume that if The Mayor ever asks the lady at the desk where the dumpster is, he is

A) Throwing away a Twinkie wrapper and a Diet Coke can

B) Attempting to ditch this inane plot

C) Has to take a leak BEHIND the dumpster because the toilets in the boy’s room at Gil’s Reformatorium are out of order

D) All of the above

 

If ya got ta go ta reform school cuz ya could only repeat 5th grade so many times and the Milford District Board ruled ya ran past the Statute uv Limitations, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Alice Cooper, accompanied by the Milford Elementary School 4th Grade Choir and Tonette Band

 

Now we’re stuck in class

There isn’t any teachers

And there isn’t any principal

No coach with bouncy skunk-black hairrrrr

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School will bore me to pieces

 

What? Dr. Pearl’s daughter is involved in a career in education TOO? She has that beehive right down to the yarmulke. But it looks like Dr. Pearl Junior applied some Grecian Formula for Women. Dr. Pearl evidently is allergic to it. No worries, Dr. Pearl. Polar bear hair is sexy, according to this article in National Geographic.

That said, Dr. Pearl Jr. couldn’t cut it in real estate? The career in cosmetology at Milford Beauty School fell through? The earrings weren’t chunky enough, I reckon, although they probably didn’t grade on a curve on her Show-and-Tell portion of the final exam if P2 is any indication. Because she didn’t apply enough Afro-Sheen to Mimi’s hair, Mimi looked like Billie Holiday as a Milford Cafeteria Lady, so Dr. Pearl Jr.’s kismet became the lead woman at the Information Desk at Goshen Valley School for Mudlark Retreads. I’ll bet there’s plenty of room for advancement.

 

Another fallacy is the Ad Populum Argument. This commits the fallacy of believing something because many or all of the people endorse that particular concept (“according to the people”) . This is a dangerous line of reasoning as we could be swayed to certain actions against our better judgment. Just because the Gallup Polls reported that 83% of the population read Gil Thorp and opine that he is 10 times better than Barney Google even if in the end they use the comic section to scoop up the dog poop/droppings in the hamster cage doesn’t mean we should go down to PetSmart and buy a beagle. Don’t base your decision to buy a litter box because the Milford Enquirer said that Gil was better than reading the Horoscope. An appeal to sound rhetoric is the higher road to pursue.

 

Gang, remember the Night Gallery episode “The Academy” where Pat Boone plays a slightly cold-hearted parent who is seriously considering sending his problem child to a military school run by a general, played by Leif Erickson (Larry Linville, who played Major Burns on M*A*S*H* for years, plays one of the cadets) ? The chiller is that this is no ordinary military school. Pat Boone recognizes some of the cadets who are well in their 30’s and 40’s after they got in trouble at school or with the law when they were teenagers and were eventually sentenced to this school. The fact they’re still doing drill is the overriding concern but the clincher is this statue of Erickson’s character with his arm around a boy. The general is pointing TOWARDS the school, not out towards the world with a “Go West, Young Man” flavor to it. Juvenile delinquents sent to a correctional facility are trapped when they become adults.

So when The Mayor gets dumped onto Boys Town-Goshen Valley Extension, it’s bad enough, as Teenchy mentioned, that chemical symbols are written in Aramaic somewhere across the Tigris-Euphrates but you hope to God there isn’t this statue of Gil with his arm around The Mayor out by the entrance. You pray Gil is pointing towards the Milford High School Baseball Facility, if nothing else.

And what the Hell could this kid be thinking when he asks a question like that in P3? Does he think The Mayor cruised around town with Al Capone? Sure, Al had a machine gun, The Mayor had a table knife when confronting The Sopranos.

“No, but I drove the getaway car when they held up Milford Federal Credit Union last week.”

Keep pointing towards the school, Gil. The Mayor might graduate by the time he’s eligible for Social Security.

 

Booby Howry uncovers his latest billboard

“Clarabelle the Clown uses a Poulan Weed Trimmer when manicuring his lawn. Shouldn’t you?”

 

I don’t think Booby’s latest offering will get him in trouble with Gil but definitely Booby is most definitely committing the Fallacy of Argument from Authority. Now if Clarabelle the Clown squirts his tears all over the Mudlark gym, Clarabelle the C is on Gil’s shit list but the billboard, though flawed, won’t draw Gil’s ire.

 

“And we’ll be back to see if The Mayor jumps the wall at The Academy or is forced to clean 500 rifles if he’s caught after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“I hated to expel Mike from Milford High School. Lord knows he was like a son to me. I hadn’t been this close to someone like him since The Flapper Days.

And then there’s all the restaurants closing due to the pandemic. People just aren’t going to jump in the station wagon and overindulge at the buffet table at Milford Ponderosa.

And Milford Funeral Solutions recognizes that. They know they can’t stop death but they can help a brother in need. That’s why Milford Funeral Solutions is more than happy to announce that they are teaming up with Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen Inc. to aid a restaurant beaten and robbed on its way to Jericho. Lord knows that Milford Funeral Solutions may need Popeyes cooler section should there be an oversupply of caskets.

And to prove that death is always in demand, if your loved one dies and you hold the viewing and the service by the end of May, Popeyes will throw in a 10-Piece Mixed Chicken Special, complete with 10 Hand-Dipped Chicken Tenders and 5 Biscuits. If you can perform the cremation by the same date, Popeyes will add 2 sides. Throwing ashes in Mudlark Lake and Macaroni and Cheese, a winning combination. My husband partook of Hush Puppies when they scattered his grandfather.

Some of you encountered multiple deaths in the family. When grandmothers from both sides of the family give up their spirits at the Milford Convalescent Center, you don’t want to be malnourished after the priest reads the Last Rites. That’s why a White Meat to Celebrate Life Special is such a welcome relief. And Popeyes will spice up the festivities with Buffalo Wings if they donated their bodies to science. You can be assured that while you’re devouring your White Breast Meat and Cole Slaw that your loved one donated his or her kidney or heart so that that person’s own Celebration of Life gets postponed until their Meaning of Life is fulfilled.

Can’t afford funeral expenses? Not a problem. Milford Funeral Solutions and Popeyes will hold a raffle for 10 lucky contestants. The winner of the drawing will hear “Shall We Gather at the River” for the dearly departed while enjoying a 4-Pack Chicken Sandwich and Potato Fries Combo. We ask that you don’t slurp your Orange Crush during the proceedings out of respect for the dead.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions and experience Christian charity at its finest. As Paul said in 1st Corinthians, there’s 3 things we need to abide by, Faith, Hope, and Charity. But the greatest of them all is a Popeyes Bucket Fill-Up. Heaven will never be the same.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. God bless you all.

 

At the District Board hearing, a concerned parent comes to the podium to voice his concerns

“…and furthermore, anybody who dips her beehive in a tub of Grecian Formula-Phosphate Free and Prell and Quaker State is not fit to be an administrator of Milford High School…”

Hey, best case of committing the Ad Hominem (“To the man”) Fallacy I’ve seen so far. He’ll probably have to restructure his argument should there be an appeal.

 

School’s in for the summer

School’s in forever

School’s IN, OH MY GOODNESS

 

“…where the students don’t matriculate but rather, are marooned. We call this painting ‘Milford High School’. And this is…The Night Gallery.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 1, 2020

Kenny Rogers and the Terminator.

Filed under: baseball, Coach Kaz, Dr. Pearl, Gil Thorp, shadow figures, song parody — robmize2013 @ 7:18 pm

 

Everyone considered him the mayor of the county.

He’d never stood one single time to prove the Mudlarks wrong

His mama named him Michael, but folks just called him Mayor.

Something always told me they were reading Michael wrong

He was only ten years old when Gil saw him throw a baseball

And Gil decided right then he was headed for his team.

I still recall the final words Gil said to his coach Kazzy

“Son, my work is over, but yours has just begun” (I’ll be back)

“Promise me, Kaz, not to do the things I’ve done

Walk away from Knappy if you can

It won’t mean you’re weak if you just knock him on his cheek

I hope you know the Mayor understands

That he dont have the fight to be a man.”

 

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