This Week in Milford

October 9, 2021

#truerthantrue

When it comes to convos, does depressing beat boring? Tevin’s fixing to find out! He might’ve found Kianna depressing, but Chance Macy has already put the kid sitting next to him asleep before Tevin even showed up.

Let’s not mince words, gentle readers: as Milford sports stars come, Chance Macy has been a pretty boring one. Except for getting situationally mad and going off on a Tilden cheap-shot artist, he’s been completely low-key. The whole Charlie Roh/Chet Ballard thing barely fazed him, and nothing else has since.

Maybe that’s by design. Have we seen someone so explicitly anti-their own postsecondary educational and athletic futures since Golden Boy True Standish’s #gottabetrue campaign attempted to set the college recruiting machine on its ear? Why yes, I think we have. Just like Little Miss Fire Hydrant this past spring, Chance will have his future decided for him by his parent/guardian and a coach named Thorp.

I can only imagine Rubin keeps feeding us these aw-shucks types ’cause he imagines his GRIT-reading base eats ’em up like flapjacks, but for once I’d like to see a college prospect in the Thorpiverse whose approach falls somewhere between this faux humility and the Jaquan Case hype machine.

October 8, 2021

I also shrunk

I never heard of someone describe a 3rd place finish as ‘second-best of non-winners’ until now. In other words, I hate my life because Im not the best. Or 2nd best for that matter.

Tevin and Kianna are chatting in the hallway on Monday, and he’s all set to give her a high five for her great weekend activities, and she stops his freak hand cold. Again the plot doesnt really move, as she repeats what we already know– she’s competitive. Really, all the athletes are at a varsity high school level. The gymnastics team Im sure spends a lot of time practicing, and if they dont want to do it bad enough, they wont get that far to make the team. Volleyball, same deal. And it gets even more so in college and, heaven forbid, national team level, where the Olympians are made. Ol Kianna looks like one of those who will only be satisfied with being the best, and that can lead to a lot of heartbreak when, odds are, she wont be.

But she can at least say- Thanks for the compliment, and move on. Nope.

September 11, 2021

These Random Words Will Somehow Be Meaningful Before This Plot Is Over

The challenge today, gentle readers, is to figure out how these statements – which, taken in isolation, sound nothing like how real people actually speak – will foreshadow some essential plot element during this story arc.

Tevin puts his all into Mudlark football and can’t see how Kianna is able to do the same for two sports. The fact that Tevin is whipped after just one practice may hint at a lack of conditioning on his part. Kianna hints that it’s because neither of her sports are contact sports. Yesterday she alluded to the use of energy drinks, opening the door to an unhealthy dietary angle.

Speaking of diets, Tevin is off to the cafeteria where he and some of his teammates snarf down all-white food. It kinda looks like the grocery store where Otto worked in Repo Man. The group includes beady-eyed Boyd Spiller who, like Tevin, has also been recently promoted to the varsity. Boyd has already established himself as mouthy and tactless, so why his teammates are acting like his recitation of some clickbait listicle will be as riveting as the Gettysburg Address is beyond me. Could be that his ability to read people won’t translate to an ability to read stunts or blitzes, leading to Tevin’s getting sacked and injured, which would tie back to Kianna’s comment about tackling.

Anyway, we have a while to figure this one out. Just file it in your collective memory bank for reference.

meta: Today is an unavoidably somber day in the US. I’m not going to bore you with stories of where I was twenty years ago today, or offer any kind of take on how our world has changed since then. You’ve had more than enough teenchy for one week. I will, however, leave a link to this story I read this morning. The section in which the former high school basketball star and young college grad decides to change his career tack from book publishing to corporate PR reminded me a bit of the Heather Burns story. One life among thousands lost – thousands whom we will remember today and for years to come.

September 10, 2021

Am I steppin into the practice zone…

Filed under: Milford Weirdos, song parody, Steve Luhm's Ghost Mops These Floors — robmize2013 @ 7:51 pm

Its 2 pm.The fear is gone

Im rushing from volleyball, my gyms still warm

Cannot connect now, I’m tired of taking classes.

Well I’m a storm on the loose. Earrings on my head.

Wrapped up in silence all convos are dead.

Can I be cold, my whole day spins into gymnastics….

Am I steppin into the practice zone

Conditioning lots, feel like drinkin

My Gatorade juice in the purple car

Where am I to go now that I’ve drank too fast?

You will come to know… when the Red Bull hits the bones.

When the Red Bull hits the bones.

When the Red Bull hits the bones.

POW!!!

July 16, 2021

Summer Burns

Cant believe Heather doesnt know where Gil is in mid – July– didnt she go to Milford for 4 summers and hang out at MCC at least once?

What the hell is going on in P2? Bunch of little kids doing everything but learn to play golf. Nobodys even looking at Gil, or at each other. Again, the parents are presumably paying for golf lessons, and Gil says– Ok kids, lessons over. Go back to goofing around with golf clubs that in 1 case are longer then the kid. And if thats a putting green, then I’m a monkeys uncle.

P3 has the reunion with another former student, around whom the summer plot will presumably run. And first things first– Heather has no idea what she’s gonna do after college. No shame– many people take a while to find their niche in the competitive job market no matter how they did in college. But my god– by freakin July at least she should have SOMETHING lined up. Lifeguard, internship at some business, store manager, jesus– well maybe I’ll head over to the golf course and have lemonade with Gildo, and he can hook me up with some part time coaching gig until I find a real job. Those counselors at Milford really did a good job preparing me for the future. When all else fails, head to the golf course. Heck with college degrees, resumes, interviews, more interviews, ol Gil will always bail me out. Hey I could always wax the floors with Steve Luhm.

June 30, 2021

A Little Too Eager with the Swordfights, Methinks

A line that did not bear repeating gets repeated. At least it gives Zane a chance to practice Mimi’s ventriloquism trick. Time to pull out that old Rowan Atkinson decking Colin Firth clip again.

I’m as dumbfounded as many of you as to why the Library Board seat decision was not made soon after, if not immediately after, Zane and Abel had their little debate. In any event, a coffee bar has yet to pop up in the Milford Public Library though bringing one’s own coffee in and drinking it there is A-OK by the library staff.

On to the halls of Milford High before the Valley Tech game (which, we can only hope, is the season finale) and Gildeaux can’t help but notice Zanes’ postcoital flush rosy glow. Looking Chipper? I thought Zane was a pitcher/outfielder, not a third baseman.

May 29, 2021

He’s Not Wrong

Wherever you’re reading this, faithful TWIMers, I hope the weather is better than it is here. Forty-eight degrees and raining is not what I expect to wake up to on the last weekend in May. The better to remember that the true meaning of Memorial Day is not to hit the beaches or the mountains and fire up the grill. So what if we have to spend it out in the cold?

Speaking of out in the cold, that’s where Zane Clark is today. Nothing he says in today’s strip is factually wrong in context (and also serves to answer one of our nagging questions of how Milford Library Board members are chosen) and yet he now finds “that cute girl he makes out with in the history section” may be history to him. Katy knows Zane’s situation, knows her old man’s hard-on against the library, knows what might happen if her old man gets the job, yet still gets pissy when she finds out her boyfriend actively tries to prevent all that from happening? Better off without her, bruh, or at least that’s what Gonzo Aceves is hinting to him.

Can we talk? Can I digress for a moment? I just want to point out the sudden improvement in uniform accuracy on the part of the Chief. From all appearances it looks like Zane and Gonzo are throwing a bullpen session in practice and are actually dressed as if they’re practicing – that is unless Gil’s broken out gamers with shorts like the Bill Veeck-era White Sox. Nice to see a Milford team practicing in actual practice unis for once.

Back to the main plot arc: What are the odds the Milford Library Board selection hinges on oratory, and Zane gives one that puts Jefferson Smith to shame? Something’s gotta make Katy see the error of her ways, dunnit? By that time Zane will have moved on to that snoopy librarian or poor Landry Carlson, who’s always getting hit on this spring.

It’s gotten very quiet here; the rain’s finally stopped pounding against my roof. Time to contemplate the true meaning of Memorial Day once again. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, gentle readers, and we’ll see you back here next week.

May 17, 2021

Bulldogging Ms. Wampfler

Filed under: Steve Luhm's Ghost Mops These Floors — nedryerson @ 4:41 am

It’s time for more Zane and Katy in the high school halls. Where do they stand now that Zane has been sent of down the path to bulldogdom thanks to Guru Karena? Maybe Katy’s been want a bulldog for a while to bulldog her in all the special bulldog ways. Maybe Katy would like a bulldog to bulldog her blowhard dad into giving it a damned rest every now and again. Will Zane become that bulldog? Bulldog Zane says nah, I’ve got other bulldog plans (even though he didn’t clarify what kind of bulldogging Katy had in mind, if you know what I mean.)

Zane is putting some kind of plan in action by heading to his happy place, the Milford Public Library (now with 40% fewer vagrants). He’s gonna pump Ms. Wampfler for intel on the developments with the board, but if she knows anything, the bulldog is going to bulldog it out of her. Hang onto your bun, Ms. Wampfler. Here come de bulldog.

ARROOOOO!

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