This Week in Milford

January 10, 2020

Basketball on ice

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Mimi Thorp, Steve Luhm's Ghost Mops These Floors — robmize2013 @ 8:38 pm

In all the years I’ve read this strip, one of my pet peeves is the players wearing their game uniforms to practice. Its happened many times, and unless the school pays extra for 2 sets of uniforms for each player (which I severely doubt), its merely a comic strip habit, because there isnt one school who also does this. You wear sweats to practice in the real world.

I love how Alexa is defense-first. Every hoops coach worth his salt will say you rest on offense and work on defense. But most players dont wanna play D; theyd rather camp out at the 3-point line and bomb away, or go to the hoop and ram it down someones throat, then beat their chest down the court mugging for the crowd as an opponent races past them to score an easy put-back.

Mimi has to encourage her to get more involved at the offensive end, apparently because she thinks she’s still 14 and clumsy. But I dont think Bambi on the ice could play defense very well either. Speaking of which, we’ve been harping on how glassy the floors look since Steve Luhm took over as janitor, and now we’re getting a reference to ice and a blue floor that resembles an ice rink.  Theyre gonna need Yac-Trac cleats to practice on that stuff, which are pullover rubber soles with cleats underneath.

Image result for yak track cleats

I actually have a pair to use at my job as a mailman in the winter, and darned if we’re not getting an ice storm tomorrow so I can give em a workout.  Cant wait til the Larks have home-ice advantage.

January 9, 2020

Poppin’ The 3 With Both Skates On, That’s The Gil Thorp Method.

Filed under: basketball, Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, Steve Luhm's Ghost Mops These Floors — tdrewhardin @ 10:10 am

010920

1 & 5

I’ve been waiting too long

Your mindset’s all wrong

Oh, 1 & 5

We need you

 

1 & 5

Can’t you shoot from outside

Make sure you don’t slide

Oh, 1 & 5

Shoot, shoot, shoot

 

I never thought of you a project

Thought you had game

I’ll never opine that way anymore

 

I hope you aren’t a reject

Gotta protect my fame

Hit from the arc, I implore

 

God, “99” from Toto just gives me a rush, always has.

 

 

See Gil teach

See Gil warn Spot not to lick out of the toilet

See Gil point towards the basket

The basket is our friend

You need to shake hands with it

See Chris learn

Chris shoots

BOOM BABY

See Slick go bananas

Chris dunks

What a handshake, Chris

Don’t slip on the ice

Dick and Jane consulted the rule book

You can hang on as long as you brace yourself

Windjammer Dominique Wilkins throwdown, Chris

Jane gives it a 9.5

Do that in the game, says Dick

Anyway, Gil and the rest of the gnomes are attempting to teach Chris Schuring how to negotiate on the ice while streaking down the court on a fast break. While those gnomes are under the bleachers taking a smoke break, well, Gil, I hate to break it to you, I mean, I know you’re busy preparing for Holiday on Ice and you’re instructing one of the crocodiles how not to slip and fall with the basketball when being defended by a hippo to the music of “Fantasia” but you have to have OTHER PLAYERS if you want to practice the 3-on-2 or 2-on-1 fast break. But it’s not too late. You can call other players out of class 20 minutes even if they may be in the middle of a test or giving a speech which is 50% of their grade. The teachers will understand.

As long as academics are given the same priority as the pork fritters in the cafeteria, well, if Chris is running the floor on the break and needs to learn to shoot when he’s wide open, well, there’s wide open when no one’s at the gym but you and your pet project but if we’re going to go ahead and practice as if there’s 9 other players within the lines, you can’t be wide open if nobody’s there. I’d twist Dr. Pearl’s arm a little harder next time. Make sure they’re dressed and ready to hit the hockey rink, er, basketball floor by the time the second lunch bell sounds. Hell, they can learn their trig tables some other time. We gotta learn to drive to the rack when the 2 in the 3-on-2 are scratching their vitals at the half-court line.

 

If ya wear duck boots cuz the last time ya shot a runnin’ 10-footer in the lane, ya slid and slammed inta the third official in the 3-man system even though he shoulda been trailin’ the play and not callin’ thangs from the free throw extended, ya might be a redneck.

 

While Tchaikovsky’s “Russian Dance-Trepak” is blaring from Dr. Pearl’s office into the gym (guess digital technology does wonders) ,

“NOOOOOO, GODDAMIT, SCHURING, THAT’S 2 & 1/2 STEPS WHEN YOU’RE FINISHING THE BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE GOING TO SLAM INTO MOON’S BOOTH IF YOU PULL AN NBA TRAVELING STUNT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I agree, Coach, you skate the way you practice.

I still think practicing in the Grand Canyon won’t simulate playing with teammates or against the other 5 guys out there, but these are teachable moments and should be treasured for a lifetime. And hey, the other team might have to go potty while Chris is executing the break or is open from the corner. Any given day.

 

Heard one day at the Milford High School faculty lounge

 

“Man, somebody needs to fix their drill. It’s just grating my nerves while I’m eating McD’s Chicken Nuggets. What are they working on, drilling a hole to China in the chem lab?”

“Naw, I understand Gil is practicing David Paich’s piano lick from ’99’. Trying to spice up his comedy act at the Milford Comedy Club.”

 

1 & 5 (oooooo, ooooooo)

You’re not 14 anymore

Need to shoot the ball much more

So says my EKG clipboard

Oh, 1 & 5

I’m begging you

 

1 & 5 (ooooooo, ooooooo)

Tho the basket’s out of whack

The scoring’s on your back

Got to shoot or catch some flak

Oh, 1 & 5

On our knees for you

 

I never thought this would work out

Score on crooked rims

Don’t want to shoot there in the second half

 

I always thought that you’d pan out

Jordan is your sobriquet

Don’t think anyone will laugh

Oh, 1 & 5

 

And to think, the past 1-2 weeks we’ve been more concerned with Riemann’s Theorem than basketball, now suddenly, after calling the NBA Director of Scouting for more players, Mimi is going to try her hand at coaching. You know she’s serious when she buys a clipboard at Milford Apothecary along with the Drewry’s 24-Pack and her medicines. One-stop shopping wins championships every time.

 

At the Milford Comedy Club

“…what do I look like, Jeff Porcaro in that spaceman outfit while playing the drums?”

Dead silence

“Well, here’s another song from Toto. Let me get my Wurlitzer tuned. Anybody heard of ‘Africa’?”

 

Mimi, we appreciate your merry-go-round modus operandi but didn’t Milford WIN the last game? And speaking as a coach myself, sure, there’s always something to work on but acting as if one of the halfcourt’s one great big couch and you’re Mrs. Freud really isn’t going to wash. I just as soon hear Hank Snow perform Toto’s “Hold the Line” at the Grand Ole Opry.

“I blew the layup, Coach, because I suppressed my sexual libido. It happened watching Sesame Street. I had this thing for Bert and Ernie and didn’t know where to go with it. Affected my jump on the rebound.”

 

Because I’m a little unclear what “abjurement” means after reading the book on proper usage of English

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford High School Gym To Further Pursue Abjurement Of Ice For A Basketball Floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Thorp: We’re goin’ parquetry like the Celtics. I want every Mudlark thinking like a champion. We’ve abjurred the head cases.”

 

And we head to P3 with more pschoanalysis. And I could take taking the lunatic out of the head if what was said had a logical trail to it. Okay, some kids do grow faster than their coordination will allow. But how that makes them defensive specialists is beyond my comprehension. When the quick-as-a-hiccup point guard found out that all Alexa Watson had to do was fall on her while the former was on a breakaway to the hoop, okay, I’ll swallow that but if that same point guard, after being treated with multiple concussions and contusions from one redwood tree too many falling on her, her coach might have gotten smart and told her to shoot OUTSIDE. Redwood trees taking Binary Functions in 3rd grade could only stretch so far.

Really, Thorpiverse, you have to have a sense of grace to match your growth spurt or they’ll run circles around you. Studying integrals can only provide so much defense, then you better move your feet, y’know, slide ’em when you’re guarding your man. The floor is slick enough.

Take it away, Gang. I’m helping with the videotape. Sometimes you can catch what you missed in the practice. Gil started taking showers after we noticed dandruff flaking on one taping.

 

“…what do you take me for, Zak Starkey as a part-time drummer for The Who?”

The jukebox, playing “Afternoon Delight” by Starland Vocal Band can be heard in the corner

“Ladies and Germs, Comedy is not the only talent in Coach Thorp’s repertoire. Here he is now to perform Toto’s ‘Rosanna’ on the trombone!!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

“…I never thought it would happen

Chris is not the same

Won’t bear this dumb plot anymooorrrree…”

 

January 7, 2020

You Go Shootin’ While I Go Fetch A Player.

gt01072020

Well, you shoot the ball

And I’ll go recruitin’, Honey

You swish the nets

And I’ll do some callin’, Babe

You line it up down the free throw hole

I’ll go fishin’ with my crawdad pole

For players, tall and fine

 

Gang, WHERE did Phoebe Keener come from? Was she one of those guest stars that popped out of the woods on Gilligan’s Island?

“Skipper, I just saw another Mudlark down by the lagoon. She was working on her lay-ups.”

“Oh, Gilligan, you’ve had too much of that coconut juice again. Why don’t you go lay down in the shade, Little Buddy, and get some rest?”

Why get on the phone, Mimi, and attempt to get more players when they seem to be coming out of your linen closet? Besides, isn’t that what TRYOUTS are for? Then you’ll never have to look in your shower stall again for a center who can score and rebound.

 

I was intrigued by You and the Law, a fascinating read on the different facets of the law. The Yale Professor of Law who wrote it made an especially interesting observation on the fact that you couldn’t appeal to your State Supreme Court for issues such as traffic fines (basically appeals on a State’s Constitution are heard) . Soooooooooooo

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Will Not Pursue DUI Case In Milford Superior Court!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will Enroll In Defensive Driving School In March!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I still think I got a raw deal on my Constitutional rights. Making me walk a straight line while I got Wrigley’s Spearmint in my mouth? Where’s the justice?”

 

As long as players are going to come out of Brigadoon, I might as well point out that Phoebe and that Harding defender couldn’t execute the Pee Wee Herman Dance any better than in P1. Mimi, having trouble locating players with some moves and good court vision? Look no further than this game. See, if you look within your own camp, it’s amazing what you can find. And all you need now is a record player to play that sax rendition of the dance, and an outlet to plug in the record player, naturally.

 

Well, you text a line

And I’ll go beggin’, Honey

No lane violations

And I’ll be a suck-ass, Babe

You pop the 3 down in the hole

I’ll be in the hallways with my crawdad pole

Honey, this takes time

 

And what OTHER entity could that be in P1 than The Blob returning to eat a player or fan or two? Sheesh, no wonder why Mimi can’t get anybody to play on the team. And what is St. Elmo’s Fire doing other than aiding in abetting with The Blob in devouring a fan who’s holding the “Kick the Shit out of Milford” (musta slipped a 20 to the security when he paid his admission ticket) ? If there’s one thing us Thorpiverse veterans can always count on, it’s a conglomerate of the Shadow People who have been pasted together for over 60 years. And the beauty is, the Harding fans and the Milford fans aren’t sitting in their separate clumps, er, sections. Yeah, I’m afraid the Shadow People or The Blob does not discriminate. Mudlark fans have been eaten at a steady rate along with Oakwood fans, New Thayer fans, etc. for 6 decades.

“Gil, where’s Jaime and Keri?”

“I don’t know. They were here just a minute ago. Yuck!!!!! What’s that giant red piece of Play-Doh doing on the verandah?”

 

If ya gotta use somebody’s jumper cables ta fish yore shotgun outta the crawdad hole that landed there cause ya tripped on some fresh deer droppings and ya pay the man a 6-pack of Bud for his successful efforts, ya might be a?redneck.

“Coach, I heard you need a power forward for the team.”

As Gil gets up from humping Mimi

“I do, but next time, don’t climb through the window. We’ll fix the door handle, I promise.”

 

And then we have Cindy Brady a/k/a Susan Wilcox-Olson who appears to give the Lady Mudlarks an outside scoring threat. Okay, Mimi, I understand you were desperate and had to enter the Milford Interdenominational Church for Susan’s wedding ceremony to beef up the roster (“…with this ring, I thee wed EXCUSE ME WE NEED YOU IN THE LINEUP, MRS. WILCOX-OLSON) , but couldn’t it have waited to change the surname from Olsen to Olson at the Milford City Clerk’s until after the game? If she can shoot, let her fire away, we’ll take care of the details later. I know we gotta reverse her maiden name and married name EVENTUALLY, let alone spell her maiden name correctly, but if Mimi needs Rolaids and needs it now, you don’t spell relief “B-U-R-E-A-U-C-R-A-C-Y”. You got a chance to win the game, Mimi, don’t blow it on a technicality.

 

On the S.S. Enterprise

“Scotty, see if you can maneuver a little closer to Xeneid. I understand the gasses are not noxious enough to allow us to penetrate the biosphere.”

“I don’t know, Captain, the ship won’t sustain much more with that magnetic field at our throats. And we are being fired upon even as we speak.”

“Spock, have you had many dealings with the people?”

“They’re not known to create problems with negotiations, if that’s what you are indicating. I can print out a communications cable-”

That notorious danger siren is sounding. Everybody is frozen. The door opens.

“Spock, is that one of their citizens?”

“I’m not sure. May we help you?”

“Yes, I understand the Milford Lady Mudlarks need a point guard off the bench in case Phoebe Keener needs a rest. Did I press the wrong button?”

 

 

And SOMEBODY CAN COUNT. Yes, there are 2 legs attached to each human torso in P2, although one player didn’t take her Rolaids and wound up with Club Foot. It must be hard to do lay-ups during warm-ups.

And minus points for the crotch shot of the coach. When The General was leading the 1976 Hoosiers to the National Championship, Scott May and Quinn Buckner and Kent Benson didn’t take orders from The General’s private collection. Couldn’t you see somebody’s crotch in Cream and Crimson? Didn’t think so.

 

You bomb it away

And I’ll grovel with my pleas, Honey

You drive baseline

And I’ll be petitioning, Babe

Shoot and-one from the ball you stole

I’ll fish at The Bucket with my crawdad pole

Honey, this 2-guard is mine

 

I love Diana Hacker and her ideas on style when writing is priceless. Not a day goes by that I don’t read something from her.

And right now, she would have a cow on how the sentence from P2 leads into P3.

If I’m getting the gist of the matter, Alexa “Don’t you dare call me ‘Gauss'” Watson is passing to Susan Olson-Wilcox-Olsen-in-the-Brady-Bunch-credits for the go-ahead score, THEN LATER passes to Phoebe Keener for an insurance score. Fair enough.

But of course, Thorpiverse has Hacker steamed because the way the sentence is structured, Susan Brady is getting the ball to score then subsequently sending it to Phoebe for another score. The way the modifiers are mangled, Harding is owed a possession which is unlikely to be settled so Milford will likely win because literary style went the way of Chris’ street clothes in the previous tete-a-tete with Coach Thorp. Amazing how many games Milford has won in 60 years riding the miscarriage of justice.

“That’s a split infinitive.”

“Game, set, and match, Thorp.”

 

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Miffed Over Being Informed That State Supreme Court Will Not Hear Case!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was NOT double-parked in front of the Milford Lounge. The farmer’s pick-up had a flat.”

 

And dangling modifiers aside, I like Phoebe’s Hokey-Pokey with the ball

You shoot with both hands in

You shoot with both hands out

You shoot with both hands from your chest

And you shake things all about

 

You do the funky lay-up

Then you turn yourself around

That’s how the game will turn out.

 

Game won by choppy sentences and a poor rendition of the Hokey-Pokey. Hey, an ugly win is better than a pretty loss.

 

 

Because I love to cook and was fascinated with all the combos with white grapes you could partake of

 

“And Marcia passes to Cindy over to Jan cross-court pass to Wilma who finds Betty on the baseline who kicks it out to Reggie for 3…”

BOOM BABY

“And Slick, Harding has called a time-out to talk things over. With 3:52 left in the 3rd quarter, it’s the Pacers, 89, Harding 86, the Pacers on a 12-2 run. We’ll have more on the Fan Duel Scoreboard in a moment, this is Mark Boyle and you’re listening to the Pacers Radio Network.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this week is National Wine Week right here in good ol’ Milford. Now I realize that many cities all over the country have their own Wine Week but the way Milford Beverage Warehouse looks at it, soaking in The Good Life is a year-round venture anyway.

Hi, this Coach Thorp and Man o Man, have I got some deals for you. Right here in our own backyard, Milford Valley is selling their premium White Wine Supreme at a door-busting $7.99 a bottle. Good golly Miss Molly, I’ll be knockin’ a few heads myself to get to the wine rack. Boy, I can imagine myself in my chaise lounge on the verandah, sipping on a glass of that good drinkin’ while munching on Mimi’s tuna-and-walnut casserole and indulging in creamed mayo caramel for dessert. Why use Pepto-Bismol when Milford Valley can churn your stomach just fine?

Then you discriminating connoisseurs will appreciate La Marca wines in select varities. Mmmmmm, mmm, I can taste that merlot as I down my Jif Chocolate Peanut Butter sandwich at the Milford PTA Parents’ Night Out. And with Key Lime pie for dessert, at $15.99 a bottle, I’ll have to admit I’m glad Jaime and Keri aren’t around.

But wait, there’s more. Woodbridge Grenache and arugala just hits the spot after a long day on the phone asking the scout at The Bucket who looks like a true center at the drive-in booth. Top both with Mrs. Butterworths and you can pitch your flapjacks in the garbage disposal. For $9.99 a bottle, I’ll dump all my Eggos in my freezer box in the basement down the drain.

But don’t get namby-pamby on me and believe that Milford Beverage Warehouse is nothing but a wine-infested rat-hole for the quiche-and-brie crowd. We still have a wide selection of Budweiser, Coors, Michelob, Miller High Life, Falls City, Blatz, Schlitz, you name it, we got it and in mass quantities. Bring your Milford Beverage Warehouse Visa Card and name your multiple. Only your trunk will limit your 18-pack purchases.

In fact, our deal of the week is Maker’s Mark Whiskey at an eye-popping $22.99 a bottle. At that price, I’ll cram all the Eggos in my toaster and with that Mrs. Butterworth Syrup, Breakfast in Avalon is a cinch.

But come see for yourself and get your own Lance Sour Cream Crackers off the gum rack while going through the line to purchase your Milford Valley White Wine. I think you’ll agree, Heaven is just a sip away. Only at the Milford Beverage Warehouse.”

 

Gang, have at it. I’m going to check Dick Vitale’s Basketball Lexicon again. I had trouble with the word “deuce”. I thought Dickie V was talking about a card game. I want to make sure this time when he calls Susan Brady a “diaper dandy”, he’s not talking about Pampers.

 

“…and you shoot for the goal

I’ll check Gil’s closet with my crawdad pole…”

 

At The Bucket one night

“Hi, I’m Melba, and I’ll be your waitress. What can I get for you?”

“Have you ever thought about playing onnthe basketball team? We need a guard-forward.”

 

 

 

 

January 6, 2020

The Harding, They Fall?

01062020

The Lady Mudlarks are squaring off against the Lady Raiders from Warren, Ohio. Neal has been pitting Milford against teams in Eastern Ohio lately. Maybe he’s going to retire to Cleveland.

As much as we sometimes gripe about a lack of sports action in Gil Thorp. I must admit that three panels of nothing but sports action can leave me with little inspiration to comment. The floors are shiny. The ponytails are out in force. Alexa looks like she’s actually executing a layup in the first panel. The other two panels show aggressive defense. OMG, it’s like fundamental basketball. That’s good, right?

Well, good luck Alexa and gang. Repel those Raiders!

January 1, 2020

Putting Mussels on Our Ears

gt01012020

Welcome to the year 2020, where Dippin’ Dots are still The Ice Cream of the Future, the halls of Milford High are still as shiny as ever and girls in Milford are still wearing huge earrings.  Alexa and her sidekick appear to have made theirs from mussel shells.

Sidekick there seems to have forgotten that athletic prowess and academic ranking aren’t exactly correlated.  Dropping one’s field goal percentage doesn’t drop one from valedictorian to salutatorian.  Conversely, wishing athletic success to one’s academic competition doesn’t raise one’s class rank, either.  If that were the case, wishing academic failure on one’s competition would lower one’s class rank even further.  Schadenfreude is not a good look on anybody but one, I expect, we’ll see with increasing frequency throughout this arc.

Now Alexa’s off to the MHS Medical Center where she’ll visit a freshly hammered Teddy DeMarco.  Wait, what?  It’s the MHS Media Center?  Cool.  She can listen to the musical inspiration for today’s post title.

 

 

December 18, 2019

Nothing Like a Roast for the Holidays

gt12182019

knock-kneed (/ˌnäkˈnēd/), adj. 1. (of a person) having legs that curve inwards so that the feet are apart when the knees are touching. “The patient had a distinctly knock-kneed gait.” 2. Teddy DeMarco Teddy DeMarco’s stooge (see edit below).

So when dude with the roadrunner fade (who turns out to be Teddy DeMarco; thanks Tim for pointing that out) and Captain Marvel shirt challenges Teddy stooge to “go old school,” that means “walk up to a kid in the cafeteria and roast him.”  Ohhh-kayyy.  Shouldn’t the roast be at least fully baked?  Without the punctuation of a high-five, would anyone have known that was the punchline?  If the roastee is already engaging in self-deprecation, doesn’t that kind of take the edge off the roast?  It’d be easy enough for Chris to come back with something like “Yeah, I know, but basketball’s not my main sport. I was the starting quarterback on the football team, in case you hadn’t noticed.”  Easier still to escalate into a roast battle: “Oh, I guess you were too busy holding that aspirin between your knees to notice. You shouldn’t have bothered; it’s not like anybody wants to go between your knees anyway.  And what’s with your pal there? Coyote after you?”
The apparently good-natured Chris Schuring doesn’t seem to be aware that Teddy just tried to roast him or, for that matter, that Teddy doesn’t even like him, something Alexa alluded to recently.  He may not be the golden child that True Standish was but so far we don’t see that he has any negative qualities.  Something tells me he will serve as the mirror which will reflect Teddy and Alexa’s shortcomings back on them.
*metapost: Edited to reflect which character is actually Teddy.

December 14, 2019

It’s Like “Highlander”

gt12142019

After falling asleep for three days, it looks like I didn’t miss anything. Check that: it looks like I missed less than anything. Y’all think these sports stories have been boring? Hold on to your hats for four solid months of academic competition! Valedictorian: there can be only one!

No lie: I had to reread the lower balloon in P1 multiple times to make sure it didn’t say “Teddy DeMarco’s little bitch.” But which Teddy DeMarco? The not very successful welterweight from Philly or the prep point guard from Ohio? My money’s on the owner of the recently closed sportswear shop.

Back on topic: It’ll be boring as all getout interesting to see how a couple of basketball action panels once a week or so help advance this thriller of a plot, especially as we learn what Alexa and Chris plan to do with their post-Mudlark lives. Me, I’ll be sorely disappointed if we don’t get at least one installment of University Challenge.

December 13, 2019

He also invented Donkey Kong

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Milford Weirdos, Steve Luhm's Ghost Mops These Floors — robmize2013 @ 11:16 pm

Chris Shuring  https://www.renewableenergyworld.com/author/chris-schuring/#gref

is a former Atari employee. Atari was as many of us who grew up in the 70’s and 80’s  know, the king of video games back in the 80’s. I spent many hours after school playing Space Invaders, PacMan, and many other video games that at the time were state of the art, but now look pre-historic.

So I guess Alexa worked for Nintendo, the main rival of Atari that featured Mike Tysons Punchout, amoung many others. Hopefully down the road we’ll see the 2 butt heads in a video game competition. But most likely theyre battling for #1 in class rank. Much more boring.

 

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