This Week in Milford

April 14, 2021

Don’t Worry, Luhm, Zane Isn’t Horning In on Your Turf

Okay, so the young lady with the tendrils hanging down isn’t a teacher but a fellow student, Priya (no last name yet), and this isn’t an academic class but a senior class meeting. I don’t recall what gets done in these meetings: cap and gown ordering, picking a class song or theme, deciding who’s “most likely to succeed” or “wittiest” or some other “superlative,” choosing a class trip and a prom theme, etc., usw. Really, just a bunch of stuff to pad your resume when applying to colleges, and there’s always that kid who takes it just a little too seriously and makes it uncomfortable for most everyone else involved. Here, Priya is that kid.

Among the suddenly dumped upon us exposition is that Zane has somehow managed to get himself elected senior class vice president. With everything that’s going on at home it’s hard to imagine how he would’ve run for and, if he won, agreed to serve in that role. Maybe that it serves as another form of therapy is what kept Zane from going all General Sherman on the Milford High Class of 2021.

Obviously Katy Brito doesn’t care if Priya’s nose is out of joint. Nor does Zane for that matter. Only When Abel Brito Charlie Delta sticks his nose in will things get truly snippy.

February 17, 2021

All About Shoes

Hey kids! Today you’re gonna get an installment of teenchy’s True Life Stories!

Back in the day when dinosaurs roamed the earth your old pal teenchy drove a ’66 Ford Mustang. These days ’66 Mustangs are considered classics almost on a par with Doug Guthrie’s GTO, but when I owned one it was a just a nice used car. While I was away at college I had a minor fender bender with it, requiring the replacement of the left front fender, the front bumper, and a headlight bulb. Not long after the repairs were done I drove back home to see the folks and let them see how well the repairs had been done. I brought a friend with me and that Saturday night we barhopped. On the way back home, much like ol’ Doug here, I saw the flashing blue lights behind me; unlike Doug, I thought I might be spending the night somewhere other than in my own bed.

Instead of “License and registration, please,” the first words the state trooper drawled to me were “Son, who painted yer car?” Stunned, I asked him to repeat himself, whereupon he proceeded to admire my Mustang’s paint job and its overall condition. I sheepishly admitted to the recent accident and repair and told him the name of the shop that had done the work. The trooper replied, “Well, they did a nice job, but I believe they forgot to hook up yer headlight when they finished up. I’m giving yew a warning and telling yew to hook them wires back up when it gets daylight in the mornin’. Yew’l see my name and badge number on that warning; if yew ever want to sell this car call the barracks and ask for me.”

Sure enough, the next morning I popped the hood and saw the left headlight connector and wiring harness dangling on the inner fender just below the sealed beam unit. I eventually sold the ‘stang but I never did call that trooper, though.

I’m guessing Doug’s having a similar experience with old Officer Wilbon here, but I’m a little confused about the tires comment. The Flowmasters probably let the Tri-Power 389 breathe a bit better but top end is as much a function of gearing as it is of horsepower. Doug might be implying that if the Goat were to run a little faster, he might have to replace its shoes with a set having a higher speed rating. Finding tires in the correct size for older cars is getting harder and more expensive by the day as manufacturers focus production on higher-volume sizes for current models. How that factors into Doug’s decision isn’t clear, and neither we nor Tom Muench have time for that, so off we go to Milford High and hoops practice.

Sorry for rambling on about my youth and the vagaries of classic car tires, but I figure it had to be at least as interesting as watching Tom and Doug awkwardly run laps for being late to practice. (Doug was so distracted he put his sneakers on the wrong feet.) Gil must take comfort knowing the hardwood is one place Clan Guthrie doesn’t lord it over him.

February 8, 2021

And The Crowd Goes Eh

Oh boy, Tessi Milton is really laying it on thick. She’s of the opinion that what the Lady Mudlarks really need is a generous helping of Vic Doucette magic. It appears that Vic can’t deny Tessi anything at this point. Will that 2004 GMC Safari be a rockin’ at some point?

So what is Tessi short for? The Contessa? ‘The Contessa’ Milton? Or just Contessa Milton? Oh Vic, I hope you haven’t gotten in over your head.

February 6, 2021

Shouldn’t You Be Playing the Game Instead of Talking to the PA Guy?

“Vic, my man! What happened to you? I thought we were cool. Bros before, uh, not bros.”

“Well, Tessi Milton made it pretty hard, if you know what I mean and I think you do.”

After the past couple of strips this comes as a surprise. I was sure Vic was gonna honor the age-old tradition of giving Milford girls’ teams short shrift compared to the boys’ teams. Wonder if we’ll find out just how Tessi was able to coerce Vic to call the Lady Mudlarks’ games. Somehow I don’t think root beer was involved.

Hey, but that pep talk Vic gave Doug is doing wonders for Doug’s confidence. Not only is he not moping around, he feels relaxed enough to have this little chat with Vic in what appears to be the middle of a game and while he’s in possession of the ball. This stunt should get Doug kicked off the team faster than you can say “Michael Schumacher,” but who knows given how welcoming Gil was when Doug told him he was scrubbing a race so he could play against Oakwood.

edit: Alert (or, at least, less fixated on the idea that Doug is doing something wrong than I) TWIMer Hitorque has pointed out that this convo is probably going on during pregame warmups, which makes far more logical sense than my hot take. Either way, how Tessi convinced Vic to cover the girls’ games still remains a mystery.

January 16, 2021

Throw some ketchup on that hot dog

****THIS IS THE FRIDAY POST*** SATURDAY POST WILL BE LATER TODAY BY THE ONE AND ONLY JOAN RIVERS!! ***** THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE!!***

I’m assuming Vic has a tutor for some of his classes as in P2 (after studying and prepping for the game like ALL announcers do, even though he’s only a PA announcer) he’s walking on an ice rink past a sign that says READ. Did anyone ever see a sign that says READ?? The whole idea is to READ the sign, right? Reading a sign that says READ is,, superfluous, to put it mildly.

Hope they dont slip on the ice while skating to their next class, which may require reading.

Maumee High School http://www.maumee.k12.oh.us/ is located in Maumee, Ohio, and its enrollment was 693 students in 2017, so they only count head every 4 years or so when a new crop of kids come in. Why count every year when its the same old kids?

Does Vic do road games too? PA announcers only do home games in my world, so looks like we found the first hole in the plot. He’ll need an upgraded vehicle for all that driving. How many states does Milford need to go to for non-conference games for crying out loud? Perrysburg is also in Ohio, and only 6 miles from Maumee, but I thought they played Rogers last game? Theyre from (holy) Toledo Ohio, so either everyones coming to Milford from the Buckeye State or Gil won free gas from Speedway for a year. Hard to believe you play 3 straight games against new opponents. I’m needing some Goshen in my soup pretty soon.

January 2, 2021

Ramspringa

The Rogers Rams jet to a ten-point lead and hold on to that double-digit lead for the rest of the first half, hitting the locker room up by two touchdowns and leaving the Milford Mudlarks mere shadows of themselves. Did the Rams come out hot, or did the Mudlarks come out cold? Does it really matter? Gil’s made his determination and is letting his boys have it with both barrels.

If Gil’s accusation is true, where do you think these kids learned about saving their best stuff for the conference schedule?

December 21, 2020

Vic’s Pitch

Vic Doucette has finally tracked down Gil, who looks appropriately dazed and confused from chilling in the teacher’s lounge. Now it’s time to find out what Vic Doucette’s burning desire is. It’s not an assistant team manager gig, nor statistician, nor Mudlark sports brand manager/social media strategist. Vic wants to be the public address announcer at basketball games. It remains to be seen whether Vic wants to do a straight ahead type of P.A. announcing or put some kind of idiosyncratic spin on it to hog attention from the athletes. We will wait and see if Gil is into this idea.

We’ve never heard of Mr. Staley, the former P.A. announcer. Was he a hot dog? What’s he doing in Montana? (What does “same concept” mean, by the way Gil? Just like, some place far away where nobody will ever here from you again?)

I think this train is headed to snoozeville.

December 16, 2020

Make Vrooom for Dougie

Boy, that was a great move by Gil, benching his first- and second-string QBs out of spite to let his emergency QB play out the string and get injured so he can’t play basketball. Stroke of genius there, Arschloch.

That walking boot isn’t enough to keep poor Fleming from hobbling to The Bucket for a beverage and a communal basket of fries. (The heat must not be working well there since yet another kid with keyhole bangs won’t take his toque off. Then again, that may be a watch cap and pea coat he’s wearing and he’s soon off to take first watch. Does Milford High have a JNROTC?) Doug Guthrie, on the other hand, isn’t hobbling or walking to The Bucket but announcing his arrival with a VROOOM! Could this be shades of 1958, when Gil’s biggest challenges to Mudlark success weren’t his shitty coaching ability and dim-witted players Milford’s rivals in the Valley but hot rods and jobs to pay for hot rods? We’ll know for sure when Gil tells his players to start taking more set shots and underhanded free throws. A call (and another shout-out of thanks) to TWIM‘s Sports Information Director billytheskink may be in order.

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