This Week in Milford

July 16, 2021

Summer Burns

Cant believe Heather doesnt know where Gil is in mid – July– didnt she go to Milford for 4 summers and hang out at MCC at least once?

What the hell is going on in P2? Bunch of little kids doing everything but learn to play golf. Nobodys even looking at Gil, or at each other. Again, the parents are presumably paying for golf lessons, and Gil says– Ok kids, lessons over. Go back to goofing around with golf clubs that in 1 case are longer then the kid. And if thats a putting green, then I’m a monkeys uncle.

P3 has the reunion with another former student, around whom the summer plot will presumably run. And first things first– Heather has no idea what she’s gonna do after college. No shame– many people take a while to find their niche in the competitive job market no matter how they did in college. But my god– by freakin July at least she should have SOMETHING lined up. Lifeguard, internship at some business, store manager, jesus– well maybe I’ll head over to the golf course and have lemonade with Gildo, and he can hook me up with some part time coaching gig until I find a real job. Those counselors at Milford really did a good job preparing me for the future. When all else fails, head to the golf course. Heck with college degrees, resumes, interviews, more interviews, ol Gil will always bail me out. Hey I could always wax the floors with Steve Luhm.

June 30, 2021

A Little Too Eager with the Swordfights, Methinks

A line that did not bear repeating gets repeated. At least it gives Zane a chance to practice Mimi’s ventriloquism trick. Time to pull out that old Rowan Atkinson decking Colin Firth clip again.

I’m as dumbfounded as many of you as to why the Library Board seat decision was not made soon after, if not immediately after, Zane and Abel had their little debate. In any event, a coffee bar has yet to pop up in the Milford Public Library though bringing one’s own coffee in and drinking it there is A-OK by the library staff.

On to the halls of Milford High before the Valley Tech game (which, we can only hope, is the season finale) and Gildeaux can’t help but notice Zanes’ postcoital flush rosy glow. Looking Chipper? I thought Zane was a pitcher/outfielder, not a third baseman.

May 29, 2021

He’s Not Wrong

Wherever you’re reading this, faithful TWIMers, I hope the weather is better than it is here. Forty-eight degrees and raining is not what I expect to wake up to on the last weekend in May. The better to remember that the true meaning of Memorial Day is not to hit the beaches or the mountains and fire up the grill. So what if we have to spend it out in the cold?

Speaking of out in the cold, that’s where Zane Clark is today. Nothing he says in today’s strip is factually wrong in context (and also serves to answer one of our nagging questions of how Milford Library Board members are chosen) and yet he now finds “that cute girl he makes out with in the history section” may be history to him. Katy knows Zane’s situation, knows her old man’s hard-on against the library, knows what might happen if her old man gets the job, yet still gets pissy when she finds out her boyfriend actively tries to prevent all that from happening? Better off without her, bruh, or at least that’s what Gonzo Aceves is hinting to him.

Can we talk? Can I digress for a moment? I just want to point out the sudden improvement in uniform accuracy on the part of the Chief. From all appearances it looks like Zane and Gonzo are throwing a bullpen session in practice and are actually dressed as if they’re practicing – that is unless Gil’s broken out gamers with shorts like the Bill Veeck-era White Sox. Nice to see a Milford team practicing in actual practice unis for once.

Back to the main plot arc: What are the odds the Milford Library Board selection hinges on oratory, and Zane gives one that puts Jefferson Smith to shame? Something’s gotta make Katy see the error of her ways, dunnit? By that time Zane will have moved on to that snoopy librarian or poor Landry Carlson, who’s always getting hit on this spring.

It’s gotten very quiet here; the rain’s finally stopped pounding against my roof. Time to contemplate the true meaning of Memorial Day once again. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, gentle readers, and we’ll see you back here next week.

May 17, 2021

Bulldogging Ms. Wampfler

Filed under: Steve Luhm's Ghost Mops These Floors — nedryerson @ 4:41 am

It’s time for more Zane and Katy in the high school halls. Where do they stand now that Zane has been sent of down the path to bulldogdom thanks to Guru Karena? Maybe Katy’s been want a bulldog for a while to bulldog her in all the special bulldog ways. Maybe Katy would like a bulldog to bulldog her blowhard dad into giving it a damned rest every now and again. Will Zane become that bulldog? Bulldog Zane says nah, I’ve got other bulldog plans (even though he didn’t clarify what kind of bulldogging Katy had in mind, if you know what I mean.)

Zane is putting some kind of plan in action by heading to his happy place, the Milford Public Library (now with 40% fewer vagrants). He’s gonna pump Ms. Wampfler for intel on the developments with the board, but if she knows anything, the bulldog is going to bulldog it out of her. Hang onto your bun, Ms. Wampfler. Here come de bulldog.

ARROOOOO!

April 14, 2021

Don’t Worry, Luhm, Zane Isn’t Horning In on Your Turf

Okay, so the young lady with the tendrils hanging down isn’t a teacher but a fellow student, Priya (no last name yet), and this isn’t an academic class but a senior class meeting. I don’t recall what gets done in these meetings: cap and gown ordering, picking a class song or theme, deciding who’s “most likely to succeed” or “wittiest” or some other “superlative,” choosing a class trip and a prom theme, etc., usw. Really, just a bunch of stuff to pad your resume when applying to colleges, and there’s always that kid who takes it just a little too seriously and makes it uncomfortable for most everyone else involved. Here, Priya is that kid.

Among the suddenly dumped upon us exposition is that Zane has somehow managed to get himself elected senior class vice president. With everything that’s going on at home it’s hard to imagine how he would’ve run for and, if he won, agreed to serve in that role. Maybe that it serves as another form of therapy is what kept Zane from going all General Sherman on the Milford High Class of 2021.

Obviously Katy Brito doesn’t care if Priya’s nose is out of joint. Nor does Zane for that matter. Only When Abel Brito Charlie Delta sticks his nose in will things get truly snippy.

February 17, 2021

All About Shoes

Hey kids! Today you’re gonna get an installment of teenchy’s True Life Stories!

Back in the day when dinosaurs roamed the earth your old pal teenchy drove a ’66 Ford Mustang. These days ’66 Mustangs are considered classics almost on a par with Doug Guthrie’s GTO, but when I owned one it was a just a nice used car. While I was away at college I had a minor fender bender with it, requiring the replacement of the left front fender, the front bumper, and a headlight bulb. Not long after the repairs were done I drove back home to see the folks and let them see how well the repairs had been done. I brought a friend with me and that Saturday night we barhopped. On the way back home, much like ol’ Doug here, I saw the flashing blue lights behind me; unlike Doug, I thought I might be spending the night somewhere other than in my own bed.

Instead of “License and registration, please,” the first words the state trooper drawled to me were “Son, who painted yer car?” Stunned, I asked him to repeat himself, whereupon he proceeded to admire my Mustang’s paint job and its overall condition. I sheepishly admitted to the recent accident and repair and told him the name of the shop that had done the work. The trooper replied, “Well, they did a nice job, but I believe they forgot to hook up yer headlight when they finished up. I’m giving yew a warning and telling yew to hook them wires back up when it gets daylight in the mornin’. Yew’l see my name and badge number on that warning; if yew ever want to sell this car call the barracks and ask for me.”

Sure enough, the next morning I popped the hood and saw the left headlight connector and wiring harness dangling on the inner fender just below the sealed beam unit. I eventually sold the ‘stang but I never did call that trooper, though.

I’m guessing Doug’s having a similar experience with old Officer Wilbon here, but I’m a little confused about the tires comment. The Flowmasters probably let the Tri-Power 389 breathe a bit better but top end is as much a function of gearing as it is of horsepower. Doug might be implying that if the Goat were to run a little faster, he might have to replace its shoes with a set having a higher speed rating. Finding tires in the correct size for older cars is getting harder and more expensive by the day as manufacturers focus production on higher-volume sizes for current models. How that factors into Doug’s decision isn’t clear, and neither we nor Tom Muench have time for that, so off we go to Milford High and hoops practice.

Sorry for rambling on about my youth and the vagaries of classic car tires, but I figure it had to be at least as interesting as watching Tom and Doug awkwardly run laps for being late to practice. (Doug was so distracted he put his sneakers on the wrong feet.) Gil must take comfort knowing the hardwood is one place Clan Guthrie doesn’t lord it over him.

February 8, 2021

And The Crowd Goes Eh

Oh boy, Tessi Milton is really laying it on thick. She’s of the opinion that what the Lady Mudlarks really need is a generous helping of Vic Doucette magic. It appears that Vic can’t deny Tessi anything at this point. Will that 2004 GMC Safari be a rockin’ at some point?

So what is Tessi short for? The Contessa? ‘The Contessa’ Milton? Or just Contessa Milton? Oh Vic, I hope you haven’t gotten in over your head.

February 6, 2021

Shouldn’t You Be Playing the Game Instead of Talking to the PA Guy?

“Vic, my man! What happened to you? I thought we were cool. Bros before, uh, not bros.”

“Well, Tessi Milton made it pretty hard, if you know what I mean and I think you do.”

After the past couple of strips this comes as a surprise. I was sure Vic was gonna honor the age-old tradition of giving Milford girls’ teams short shrift compared to the boys’ teams. Wonder if we’ll find out just how Tessi was able to coerce Vic to call the Lady Mudlarks’ games. Somehow I don’t think root beer was involved.

Hey, but that pep talk Vic gave Doug is doing wonders for Doug’s confidence. Not only is he not moping around, he feels relaxed enough to have this little chat with Vic in what appears to be the middle of a game and while he’s in possession of the ball. This stunt should get Doug kicked off the team faster than you can say “Michael Schumacher,” but who knows given how welcoming Gil was when Doug told him he was scrubbing a race so he could play against Oakwood.

edit: Alert (or, at least, less fixated on the idea that Doug is doing something wrong than I) TWIMer Hitorque has pointed out that this convo is probably going on during pregame warmups, which makes far more logical sense than my hot take. Either way, how Tessi convinced Vic to cover the girls’ games still remains a mystery.

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