This Week in Milford

May 20, 2019

I’m Gonna Need To See Your Black List Score

Filed under: Chunky Bracelets, huge earrings, Swifti Mart, TCFS — nedryerson @ 7:09 am

052019

This plot has taken its sweet time to reveal to Molly & Co. that their quest for team unity has taken them down a path to…whatever this is. An endless series of random kids at Milford High are seeking validation from the softball team in the form of a 39 cent pin.

The latest contestant in Tyler, who wrote a screenplay. You’ve probably heard. I’m betting the mostly likely reason you may have heard is that Tyler has been telling people he wrote a screenplay. How else would anybody know? Is is getting buzz in the trades? Has Tyler been shopping it around to all the would be producers in Milford? That is doubtful. My gut says that Tyler is the “I wrote a screenplay” guy at Milford High. I’m afraid Molly is going to have to reject his claim. You just can’t be cool if you have to ask somebody if you’re cool.

Of course “cool” is an illusion, yet another “brand” (ugh) devised by marketing types to sell us stuff that we don’t need. It still works though. Molly bought those stupid buttons, didn’t she? Actually, if she bought fifty of them, the guy at the promotions place probably cleared a healthy ten dollar profit off of her. That will keep the lights on for another day.

In case you’re curious about the post title, it refers to this, a method whereby unrepresented screenwriters submit their work with the hope of becoming represented and maybe even selling their work. If it sounds almost as dubious as teens begging for membership in exclusive clubs, maybe that’s because it is. But if Tyler spends a couple hundred bucks to have some anonymous person (probably another guy with a pile of unsold screenplays) rate his work, maybe it will spare him from spending a fortune pursuing an MFA is screenwriting. He can earn an honest day’s pay down at the Milford Button Works.

 

Advertisements

May 18, 2019

Not This “Branding” Crap Again!

gt05182019

Okay, so for s & g’s I searched on spirit buttons and 39 cents per seems like a fair deal. The catch is you gotta buy ’em in bulk, at volumes that would ensure every Milford student and their family could have a button with buttons left to spare. The TCFS movement has become less about celebrating softball players’ extracurriculars and more about being cliquish and excluding the one girl on the softball team who cares more about playing softball than the rest of them.

Nancy is perfectly cool with that as she sees being TCFS as a “brand,” a thing that seems to be a thing with kids in Milford (or with a senior citizen who seems to think that branding is a thing with kids). Molly Hatchet seems to have an inkling about that as she and Nancy get brain freezes sucking down their Blastos while they sit on the hood of a… a…  an impossibly drawn clown car with about five planes of perspective and no room for an engine, wheels or passengers.

Added a Swifti Mart tag as I’m surprised we haven’t done that already.

May 17, 2019

And yada yada yada.

Not gettin any better folks… I was not a big Seinfeld fan, but it was very well known as a show about nothing. I saw just enough episodes that I kinda get that. They dont really have a plot, its just a half hour of 4 characters screwing around every which way, and the best part, (for me anyway) was Jerrys comedy bits at the beginning and end of each show, where he’d make some vague connection to the action of the show. I remember one episode where he said ” If you’re watching something on TV, you’re missing something else.” Ever since then when I’d be forced to miss some show or game I would remember Jerrys words, and be comforted that nobody can be everywhere all the time. You do what you can, and everything else takes care of itself.

Well I have lost track of who all  these people are. Linda, David, Nancy, Molly…….I can name the Banana Splits easier then these bozos. .Too many characters in 1 plot who intertwine their nonsense about some abstract concept like TCFS. And maybe Linda and David THINK they did something cool. Thats all that counts. I’m just floored that 17-year-olds spend that much time on such BS. By now my friends would forget about the whole thing and be on to something thats more tangible, like what movie is playing or who the Bears should draft. One time my friend was talking about the foosball game he played the night before. 2 days later I brought it up, and he was like – “You’re still on that foosball”. But 2 days isnt like the weeks-long sludge this has become. Its a plot about nothing, and this time there’s no Jerry Seinfeld around to relieve the boredom.

January 31, 2019

“I Know I Have The Receipt For That 130-Foot Ladder From True Value Hardware Somewhere.”

Filed under: Cops, Just plain sad, Lens Flare, Milford Idiots, Swifti Mart — tdrewhardin @ 3:22 pm

013119

Well, well, boys will be boys, The Sequel. Oh, I’ll get to my Sopranos Moment in a moment, but I’m still basking in the cherubic glow emanating from Mr.Clean’s brother and his subsequent catching them in the act. Switching from Pine-Sol indeed nabs more miscreants.

P3 is really interesting. The consolation prize to this whole farce is that we know now beyond a reasonable doubt that Thorpiverse is adept at drawing spray paint cans. And didn’t have  to paint by numbers this go-round.

Peace of mind in my pocket aside, what’s going to happen in P4? Because if it WERE The Sopranos, they’d be shooting back, no questions asked. Just typical war with the cops after they were witnessed attempting to ditch R/Bobby’s corpse in the woods and are now trying to save face.

But this ISN’T The Sopranos, NOW what are the greenhorns going to do? Shoot back with Krylon? Wonder where they store the ammo? In the Milford Dairy 2% Gallon jug? Boy, that’d be an interesting police report.

At the Milford Detention Center

“So what are you in for?”

“Got busted for resisting arrest with Benjamin Moore.”

Really, Kurt from “American Graffiti” can brag to the Pharaohs on that score.

“Okay, rookie, you gotta spray his police scanner but you gotta wait ’til he calls his mom collect for Valentine’s Day. Look for my cue. You pull it off, we’ll make you a Pharaoh yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The greenhorns will learn the same thing The Sopranos and The Pharaohs learned. Bring a hefty wallet full of cash to the Milford Precinct Office (Ben’s, no George’s) , to eliminate odor at the source, then get better lawyers in case some rookie cop catches them doing a Crayola job on the tinted windows of Gil’s ‘vette.

“But, Your Honor, there WERE doing an art project. They were mixing red crayons with the blue windows and called the whole thing ‘Purple Haze’. Scored an ‘A’ and won 1st Prize at the County Fair Albrecht Durer’s Wood Cuts of ‘The Hanseatic League in Milford’.”

Really, isn’t that better than getting caught literally red-handed by Mr. Clean trying to impress the camera with his hair slicked back by Vidal Sassoon?? Isn’t it??

 

 

P2-11:03 P.M. It was raining pentagons by the time Gannon pulled in. It was fortunate Gannon went to Pep Boys to change the wiper blades. The SWAT team had their Uzi’s ready under their ponchos.

 

P1-Before the Pentagon Meteor Shower douses Milford, Random Hood has this to say

“C’mon, Guys, I’ve got an idea. I saw an ad where Swifti Mart was running a BOGO on 130-foot step-ladders. If we hurry, we’ll make it before 12 when they close. And they have free installation. Fellow Hood, could you move your spare tire out of the trunk?”

 

At Marty’s Place in WDIG Studios

“Okay, fans, my next guest is a famous commentator who reportedly has a true disdain for Gil and his Modus Operandi. His occasional derring-do is just right to join in the fight Gil, killing Gil softly with his song. A man who needs no introduction, Mr. Paul Harvey.”

“Thank you, Marty. Did you know…more Americans read Gil Thorp than…Nancy & Sluggo…The Ryatts…Rose is Rose…Mother Goose & Grimm…Rivets…Bringing Up Father…Prince Valiant……………………………………………………………………………..combined?

Gil’s popularity has just torn the roof……………………………………………..off his house. His name is mentioned……………………in the same breath…………………………..with Matthew, Mark………………………………………..Luke………………………………..John…………………………………………………………..The Book of Acts…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..even The Book of Mormon…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

My land, Gil even has his own Dial-a-Prayer line. When the angel Moroni came into his office bathroom and told him to write down the rest of the plates to finish the message Joseph E. Smith left behind to complete The Book of Mormon, Gil asked if he could wipe first and the angel Moroni handed him a Prayer Cloth personally autographed by Jehovah himself…”

“PAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re supposed to be criticizing Gil, not EXALTING him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Sorry, Marty, I got carried away. Somebody slipped a 3 x 5 of Gil in my wallet from Milford Photography right before we got on the air and, honestly, I was enamored with his hairline. He won’t be needing Rogaine in the next 2 centuries. And I never liked Nancy & Sluggo. Too corny. It’s like Aunt Fritzi, Lulu, Roy Clark, Buck Owens, Grandpa Jones, the cartoon donkey all singing ‘Rose Garden’ on Hee Haw with the Lawrence Welk backup singers accompanying them.”

 

At a random time on Hee Haw in a fake corn patch with a bit of the plywood showing through a corn stalk with Lulu, Grandpa Jones, Gomer Pyle, Archie Campbell, Floyd the Barber, Otis the Drunk’s grandmother, Roy Clark, Buck Owens, AND Aunt Fritzi as the guest star along with Hank Snow, Jeff Foxworthy, and Tom T. Hall

Aunt Fritzi: “Lulu, you know why Coach Thorp stopped by Jiffy Lube?”

Lulu: “No, I don’t. Why?”

Aunt Fritzi: “Gil needed an oil change on his hair.”

Lulu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

All this trouble could have been avoided with Mr. Clean and Charlie’s Angels if our hoods had taken a different tack. Why not borrow Rosie the Robot Maid from The Jetson’s and use her to procure much-needed titanium (damn it, she’s a robot, she KNOWS these things) to build Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles (ICBM’s) in a random hood’s garage? Should the Milford Police stage a raid, they can always leave Rosie the Robot Maid as the fall guy, not to mention use The Soprano’s lawyer to bail ’em out. The lawyer can work out a deal with the judge. If the judge will sentence them to a wrist-slapping 1 year’s worth of Probation, they’ll dismantle, with the aid of Rosie the Robot Maid, the whole shebang into Tinker Toys.

Thanks to Sarcastic Jack for help with the above comedy idea.

 

While Marty is sleeping in the booth, Paul Harvey prates, proving Marty doesn’t need Sominex

“More Americans prefer to read a plot that makes sense, according to a recent study. The Gallup Polls reveal that 61% of the people like to sit down at the dinner table and discuss the day’s events, hoping, for example, that the bathtub ring doesn’t linger for 3-4 months. And they won’t need Windex to remove the stains.

Page 2

Basketball!!!!!!! That winter sport that Mr. Naismith invented is regaining popularity. So much so that they’re rioting in the streets of Milford for its return to the gym. The Milford Enquirer reports that glass was shattered, the floor was ripped up, graffiti was spray-painted on the bleachers, and the south wall has a huge gash on it after someone shot a bazooka at it. They’re mad as honeydew in Mudlarkland, I’m telling you.

Milford City Maintenance estimates that repairs will run in the millions. And speaking of repairs, your Milford True Value Hardware store is running a fire sale on tools this week. A 3-piece Adjustable Wrench Set, $24.99 at Staples is a bargain at $6.99. Perfect for screwing the flotation device back in the toilets in the locker room commodes. A 30” 4 Drawer Cart, 580-lb. capacity, sells for a ridiculous $107.99. Just don’t let Lulu use it as a bean bag chair and you won’t void the warranty. And did I mention that a 125-Amp Flux-Core Welder is yours for only $99.99? Now the construction crew can fuse  the basketball goals back on the backboard in the ‘B’ gym. Folks, without True Value Hardware to call off the Riot Squad, the gym wouldf resemble the Roman Colosseum. But Joe Tourist isn’t interested in free throw lines with “Gil shot his wad” written on them so stop by your True Value Hardware store today and put your pocket book at ease.”

 

Aunt Fritzi: “Lulu, do you know why Coach Thorp stopped by Jiffy Lube?”

Lulu: “Do you think I’d be sitting with Otis the Drunk’s grandmother if I did? Phewwwweeee, Granny, your Dewar breath’s worse ‘n’ Buck’s.”

Aunt Fritzi: Because Grease Monkey wouldn’t do dreadlocks on his hair.”

Lulu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Caught Spray-Painting Neighbor’s Vega!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Issue reportedly over a $20 promissory note.”

 

“America is thinking bigger. Bigger cars. Bigger houses. Bigger restaurants. In fact, SPLAT the Milford Mall is discussing SPLAT increasing its capacity to include more shops, restaurants, SPLAT fast food stores, and boutiques. A tattoo parlor is in the works and SPLAT the Milford Men’s Clinic is expanding SPLAT .Now there will be no waiting in line SPLAT while the Clinic is SPLAT ordering better equipment and medicine. The days of lying in the tanning salon SPLAT because one of the doctors forgot to order light bulbs for the lamp are over. Your SPLAT Significant Other will be browned and in SPLAT functional order by the time you leave.

Orville Redenbacher SPLAT is in the news. He is donat SPLAT ing $100 for every Orville Redenbacher SPLAT Ready-Popped, Through-Chewed, Margarine-Enriched box you buy.

Now here’s the hitch SPLAT . You have to come SPLAT to his farm to validate the deal. Just take I-90 for 945 miles, then take Exit 113, the Milford 76 Truck Stop exit, then when you reach County Road 375 SPLAT , take a right. Go by New Thayer High School  Driver’s Ed SPLAT Course and hang a left where the wooden cut-out of the farmer’s wife’s butt is displayed by the pin oak SPLAT tree in somebody’s yard and head straight down east, 3rd farm on the right SPLAT . A veritable feast and each box has been debugged.

More than I can say for WDIG SPLAT Studios where Marty is flailing at the flies with his swatter.

Looks like WDIG Studio could have used Roach Prufe. For $4.97, you can buy Roach Prufe tablets. That’s right, 2 tablets and a glass of tap water out of Marty’s liquor locker and the roaches and flies are retreating faster than Hannibal’s elephants. You can also buy Raoch Prufe in Injectors for just $9.88.  Handy when Marty spills El Nopal nacho sauce all over the floor and it slips through where the wall meets the floor. If you don’t want the roaches to be mooching for your El Pollo y Arroz Caliente con Vino Negro y Azul sobre La Carne Esplendido, may I suggest you inject liberally through the cracks. The roaches will wave the white flag. And when company comes to call as the CEO at WDIG will do from his bungalow in Bermuda, you’ll impress him with NO ROACHES in the building with the Roach Prufe Boric Acid for just $19.57. Nuking bugs never came so cheaply——”

“PAUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only did you break your word about Gil, But you said you wouldn’t bring up Roach Prufe!!!!!!!!!!! My sponsors will pull on me in a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“But the studios and your ethics will be deloused.”

 

 

 

 

“Ohhhhhhhhh, Gil. Ohhhhhhhhh, Gil. We both coach basketball. We love the sport. We both love coaching players. Don’t you notice a positive vibe from this conversation?”

Gil is desperately trying to break down the match-up zone that Goshen will throw at Milford when they play Goshen in March and is lunging at the cross-court pass. No luck. The back-door is run to perfection.

Won’t stop Gil from steppin’ up his D.

“Honey, if you want good vibrations, why don’t you use the Ronco Cordless Vibrator I gave you for Christmas? There’s still a package of AA batteries in the kitchen shelf next to the silverware. Or listen to ‘Beach Boys Anthology, Volume 2’ that I gave Keri, the one I listened to when I started the freshman football team in ’66.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, Gil, you can’t reach sexual Nirvana plugging it in. I need to feel you and I don’t need Eveready for that. Just drop your pants and give me a jump. I don’t need cables for that, My Sweet. We can do ‘Good Vibrations’ without Brian Wilson’s falsetto.”

“But this one will hold you down until I Rambo Goshen at their gym. It’s so powerful, it can warm up Julienne fries better than a GE Microwave. C’mon, use it, I didn’t waste my Milford Farm Emporium Visa Gold on a toy only to watch you put it next to your Raggedy Ann collection. I had to twist the lady’s arm on the 800 number that I would pay a $50 penalty if she would overlook my past expiration date on the card.”

“Gil, are you afraid you’re gonna double dribble?”

Gil is at a loss for words. Turnovers will make you do that.

“Because this is bye week and I’m horny and I need more than a Jacuzzi on a popsicle stick to get me stimulated.”

“BYE WEEK???? Mimi, you’ve already played 3 games which didn’t show up in the comics section because they were pre-empted by “Days of our Basketball Lives”. You won’t play again until Boys Basketball runs out of melodrama or April, whichever comes first. Don’t you mean bye WEEKS???????”

“Whatever, Gil let’s stop wasting time. That’s right, just drop those Levi’s and wet wittle Mimi fill you up wit some sensual dewights, that’s it,that’s it…”

TWEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Max the Referee from the ’80’s comes out from behind the curtain

3 SECONDS IN THE LANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“Max was a horseshit official in football and basketball but unfortunately he made the right call that night. I was stuck in Mimi’s Grand Canyon until my neighbor could come over and turn the hose on us. It was embarrassing having to have Jerry Pulver pull me from one end while the neighbor’s wife had to pull Mimi from the other end. Good thing our neighbor had a crowbar in his spare tire kit. All of this could have been avoided if I’d gone to Milford Men’s Clinic. They have treatment programs that work and if you stop in by next Friday, the Clinic will give you a free True Value Hardware Door Jack to avoid those way-too-intimate moments. Better than a fire sprinkler, believe me. Avoid the Milford Fire Department answering a 3-alarm emergency at your house and see for yourself. Because intimacy should nevere involve the Fire Marshal.”

 

Gang, comment away. I’m getting the bail money from The Sopranos. I had to raid the Flower Fund but they said I’m covered. There were no funerals this week.

 

“…and Gil and Mimi will finally finish the basketball season in style and with a taste of logic to it. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That Dr. Seuss can really write. I liked the part where the concession stand will be selling green eggs and ham from now on at every game.

 

Now you know………………………………………..the rest of the story.

Paul Harvey………………………………………………….Good Day.”

January 24, 2017

Respectful Ignorance

Filed under: ?, Boredom in Milford, Fontastic, freak hands, Milford Idiots, Swifti Mart — timbuys @ 7:58 am

012417

Nothing like pulling a tall Freezy Bomb at the Swifti Mart in the dead of winter.

Did I say I was OK with the continued antics of Ken and Mike? I suppose that I did but these two really need to pick up the pace. Grabbing a drink at the corner store ain’t exactly the most exciting plot device.

June 7, 2016

Can’t Anybody Here Drive Their Car?

Filed under: Just plain sad, Lens Flare, Milford Idiots, Swifti Mart — timbuys @ 6:33 am

060716

Del was drunk and driving without his lights on, Boo is an inexperienced driver who ostensibly couldn’t see Del, but what’s the pick-em-up driver’s excuse? At least that driver was hitting the breaks, albeit to no avail it would seem.

I have to wonder if the pull-out for the Swifti Mart regularly features this kind of carnage.

June 2, 2016

That First Hit Won’t Come on the Ballfield

I guess checking the B&W and color versions of the strip daily for discrepancies is gonna have to be a thing now. Sheesh, who’s got time for that?

tmgil160602

content.php

Today’s difference has life-changing potential, depending on how time jumps in the Thorpiverse. Panel two in the color version appears to occur a few seconds later, when Boo has slipped behind the wheel, a/o/t the B&W version, where she appears to grip an air steering wheel.* (C’mon, Whigham, at least Photoshop out the thumb shadow.) Those few seconds could mean the difference between life and a grisly death at the hands of Del Bader… a fate that may await True Standish,  or whoever’s driving the car rushing headlong into Del’s.  If it’s true what they say about your life flashing before your eyes in the moments before death, then Del’s life has been nothing but the rocks at the bottom of a highball glass.

Could that car simply be flashing Del to warn him of a lurking cop up ahead? Or to turn on his headlights? If we check yesterday’s strip (both color and B&W) it looks like Del forgot to turn his on.

060116 - color

I guess only closers can afford cars with auto-on/off lighting.

If that’s supposed to be Boo’s 2008 Jeep Compass, then that’s not an entirely inaccurate depiction of its interior. I can’t imagine its automatic transmission can be left in neutral the way Whigham’s drawn it, however.

Finally, did we ever know that the “S” in Smart stood for “Swifti” before now?** Rubin may have vaguely set Milford in the Midwest, but his head’s in Mississippi. A fine segue into a musical number to bide our time as this slow-motion train car wreck unfolds before our rocks-in-a-highball-glass-filled eyes.

 

* The changes in yesterday’s and today’s strips both involve removing a teen character using a phone while behind the wheel of a vehicle.  Just a WAG: Whigrub submitted the color versions first, got flak from the syndicate for promoting teen phone use while driving, edited the offending panels, then resubmitted – but not before some outlets had already prepped version one to run in advance. Taking that hypothesis to an extreme, somewhere there must be unedited versions of Luann involving rampant orgies.

** I guess pretty much everyone who’s been reading Gil Thorp since at least 2008 knew it’s for Swifti Mart. My fact-checking and institutional memory, like a Nutboy, is shitty.

February 29, 2016

The Suspense Is Annoying Me

Filed under: freak hands, Gil Thorp, Swifti Mart — nedryerson @ 4:35 am

022916.gif

If you’ve been waiting patiently for Monday for the big reveal, you get to keep waiting! You can also start guessing what’s in the Swifty Mart bag. Is is celebratory Nutboys? Does the Swifty Mart have a NCAA Division II merchandise section now, where True bought a Miami of Ohio golf club cover to keep Gil’s Big Bertha warm at night?

Like the old radio drama, this sure is a tale well calculated to keep you in SUSP-zzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Older Posts »

Blog at WordPress.com.