This Week in Milford

April 27, 2009

All-color Gil Thorp! (Prettier in Pink?)

Filed under: metapost, Swifti Mart, What the hell is going on here? — jasbeattie @ 3:00 pm

For some time now, readers of this blog have been teased with the prospect of colorized Gil Thorp. While the syndicate doesn’t run a color version, apparently at least one paper, The Louisville Courier Journal, prints the strip in glorious techni-color! (Perhaps this has something to do with it also being the home paper of the real Rick Bozich. Or perhaps not.) Faithful reader Gil’s Barber, with thankfully too much time on her hands, as well as the ability to trick her company into paying for the postage, recently sent me a bunch of originals, which I eventually got around to scanning and uploading.

So, with only minor further ado, I present nine recent comics of COLOR-GIL, in all it’s glorious pinkiness. (Why so pink? Because apparently “Swifti-Mart red” was a copyrighted color.) Enjoy!

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Weren’t you glad to learn the Larkins were just as white as Gil? It makes more sense in the Thorpiverse that way, don’t you think?

March 26, 2009

Textual Healing

Filed under: freak hands, Swifti Mart, What the hell is going on here? — jasbeattie @ 9:26 am

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The timing of all this doesn’t make any sense. Brenda emerges from the locker room and finds out her parents have become Milford pod people…Meanwhile, Ashley, having played in the same game, has already changed, left for the Swifti-Mart outside of town and started her shift. Um, sure, why not? Nothing else here makes sense, why should the timeline be logical? Also, Bryce “sent her a text”? Texting: for when you just don’t care enough to call.

Then: The robbery is resolved! Will it:

a) be done in as as boring a manner possible?
b) be mentioned in one panel then never be spoken of again?
c) involve no characters we’ve ever heard of before?
d) all of the above.
e) turn out Marty Moon, Big Ray, Cully, Tyler Jay and Boyd the Bad News elf ganged up to pull off the biggest heist this town has ever seen, then all be gunned down in a hail of bullets after a tense 17-hour stand-off with Chief Lind, Coach Kaz and Skippy the angry janitor?

Answer: If you remembered to send Neal Rubin your monthly bribe, the answer is (e). But we all know you didn’t, so (d) it is. Be sure to send a text to all your friends about this.

February 23, 2009

Meanwhile, just outside Jerkwater Town, U.S.A…

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, freak hands, Just plain sad, Swifti Mart — jasbeattie @ 3:23 pm

2/21/09
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2/23/09
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Is the Swifti Mart the only place to go shopping in this down-market dump of a tank town? Or just the only place formerly rich Bryce can afford? Because I find it rather odd that he’d travel to a convenience store located outside city limits to shop for his crappy snacks, especially when he doesn’t appear to be purchasing Nutboys*.  Maybe he came to laugh at the ridiculous new visor Swifti Mart employees are required to wear (so which is it? Shop smart, or shop S-Mart? Lord knows it can’t be both…)

Ashley, after showing off her lip and eyebrow implants, as well as her fancy S ear tattoo and morphing earrings, feels the need to psycho-analyze why Bryce is a jerk. So you think it’s because he’s upset about living in Milford? Well since that would make everyone in town a jerk…(hmm, maybe she’s on to something after all?), that  can’t be it. No, I think some people, like Bryce for example, are just assholes, plain and simple. Although maybe this guy is   because his head is melting by the end of today’s comic.

*They’re shitty, at least since December of last year!

February 6, 2009

Dylan Bares His Soul Patch

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, freak hands, lame jokes, Swifti Mart — nedryerson @ 7:45 am

2/6/09
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Ouch! The dreaded text message break-up. That hits you right in the NutBoys.*

Okay, nuts, check. Next order of business is freak hands. I’m pretty sure Brenda is supposed to be wearing gloves, but Panel 2 still freaks me out. Maybe it’s because the finger tips melted together, or because the gloves have knuckles.

And now for the pathos. Puppy dog-eyed Dylan appeals directly to us. It was a bum rap, I wasn’t anywhere near the Swifti Mart. I don’t even like NutBoys. I’m allergic to peanuts. Those records were supposed to be sealed! If my eyes don’t convince you, look down at my soul patch. The soul patch doesn’t lie. Trust the soul patch.

*For the record and as fair warning, as long as this Swifti Mart robbery plot stays in the foreground, I’m going to keep referencing NutBoys as much as possible. Well, I probably would anyway, because any gag referencing nuts is funny. It’s comedy gold. Gold, Jerry, gold! Having said that, let me share a joke I heard last night:

A sea captain walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel attached to the crotch of his pants. The bartender asks him why he has a ship’s wheel attached to his crotch. The sea captain replies, “Arr! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

December 22, 2008

Freak hands and footnotes

Filed under: basketball, freak hands, Swifti Mart — jasbeattie @ 11:29 am

12/20/08
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So Detective Giant-Mitts was just being an oh-so-clever detective about the fake camera, eh? But what’s with the freak-hand-free panel?

And on to panel two, where OH MY GOD THAT WIDE-EYED PLASTIC CHILD AND HIS FREAK HAND ARE FREAKING  ME THE HELL OUT. I think he may be contemplating robbing the Swifti Mart by threatening to use that Gut Buster* straw as a lethal weapon.

Escaping to the next panel as quickly as possible, we learn the origin of Detective Giant-Mitts’ name.

12/22/08
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Ashley “Looking More Like Danny in Drag” Aiello warns Dylan “that hand aint mine” Bauza that the cops are on to him. Not that he did anything, so much as ever since they solved the case of the kid stuck in a tree**, the local cops figured they could move onto trying to solve Milford’s biggest crime ever.

Panel two amuses me as much as the previous panel two horrifies me. I imagine Mr. Southland lumbering about the store, knocking over bottle after bottle with his standard-issue pair of freak hands, then instructing his peon employee to mop everything up while he goes back to his office to order more fake security cameras.

The third panel gives us the clearest view yet of Dylan. Slicked back hair, soul patch and earring, eh? He seems too douchy to have robbed anything, but the cops may want to question where that freak hand  of his was the other night.

*Gut Buster: “It’s Nutty!”

** It turns out it was a kid in a tree.

***Footnotes are fun, even when there’s no reference to them above.

December 19, 2008

The red light is on, but nobody’s home.

Filed under: basketball, freak hands, Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Swifti Mart — jasbeattie @ 12:13 am

12/18/08
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Sorry for the late update…my December has not been as conducive to a regular blogging schedule as I’d originally hoped. First I was attempting to reenact the shadow shooter from the first panel, which resulted in temporary blindness and paralysis. Then I became determined to find a police officer who would leave the house dressed like that, and ended up down at the Blue Oyster Bar. Man those guys made me dance with them for hours.

12/19/08
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OK, which is more ridiculous? The fact that someone at the Swifti Mart took the time to fabricate a realistic security camera, or the fact that the cops could not figure this out for several days? Oh well, I suppose when the officers wear their underwear over their pants they can’t be expected to do things like determine basic obvious facts.

December 9, 2008

Gunning for Nutboys, one last time.

Filed under: actual action, Swifti Mart — jasbeattie @ 11:24 am

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Holy crap! A hooded and sneakered assailant whom we all hope is Marty Moon, but probably isn’t, is robbing the Swifti Mart of all its Nutboys (“Nutboy: It’s still shitty, even when stolen!”) as well as all the money in the till. Since Ashley was born well after 1957, she doesn’t know what the hell a till is, and will soon be shot dead protecting the case of Nutboys (“Nutboy: It’s shitty, but possibly worth dying for if you work in a convenience store!”)

In case you couldn’t tell already, I’m using this post as a probable last chance to discuss Nutboys* (“Nutboy: It’s shitty and stale as this joke!”) since they’ll soon be lost to the annals of silly crap that appeared in Gil Thorp once but was truly awesome anyway, much like Androgynous Mullet Person!

*More information on Nutboys (“Nutboy: It’s over!”) can be found on yesterday’s internet.

December 8, 2008

Nutboy: It’s Sh*tty!

Filed under: Neal's friends, Swifti Mart, What the hell is going on here? — jasbeattie @ 10:28 am

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Sometimes, after you’ve navigated the plane into the side of a mountain, it’s best to just walk away, whistling inconspicuously, and act as if nothing ever happened. This is apparently what Neal Rubin’s plan is today. (“What? They gave a radio show to the idiot hat guy and the tall guy? I’m pretty sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. Here, let me show you something else completely, and hope you just forgot about Saturday’s strip. Nobody reads this comic on Saturday anyway, right?”)

I’m not entirely convinced that we haven’t heard the last of the football season and it’s train-wreck plot, but at least for the moment I can easily pretend that it never happened as well (because Neal bribed me with a case of Nutboys (“Nutboy: It’s Shitty!”)

So what to make of the Swifti Mart outside of Milford and its fuzzy-slipper-wearing Hungarian immigrant clientele? Who knows just yet, but perhaps Neal can run lawyer Ashley Aiello‘s fictional career into the ground as successfully as he destroyed poor Marla Drutz.

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