“I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s going to come down for quite a while.”

It’s a day full of cliches at the MCC, but why blind pigs and acorns? Why not blind squirrels and nuts? Blind pigs and acorns make the best jamón ibérico de bellota, but with size of the bets Carter’s been making I think squirrel jerky Underwood Deviled Ham is more in line with his budget.

Meanwhile, something mysterious appears on the horizon. Funnel cloud? Vic Doucette’s grandpa van? Hendricks’ crappy shot to bluff Heather and Gil? Why not all of the above? Will this group call it quits before they get to see the true nature of the sandbag, or will they play through and tempt the wrath of higher powers?

meta: Wasn’t Local H a topic of discussion on a Rock ‘n Roll Thursday some time back? I’ve lost track of those ever since I switched from posting Thursdays to Wednesdays. In any event I just stumbled across Local H’s cover of TV On The Radio (a band I’ve really been into for the past year or so)’s “Wolf Like Me.” Sharing it here with the original to jog memories and invite comparisons.

Freak hand golf

Club pro John Jawor is actually a real club pro at Plum Hollow in Southfield Michigan. Thats lovely.

https://www.hometownlife.com/story/sports/golf/2015/06/19/pristine-plum-hollow-ready-states-best-amateurs/29010551/

No idea why he cares so much about Mr. Paleys match against Carter Hendricks. That bunker on number 6 must be a monstrosity, because why the hell would he remember one shot out of one bunker 10 holes before the end of the match? I sure the heck dont start my review of a round with how my opponent got out of bunkers. Much less put my hand in front of my face while doing so. 2 shots 10 holes apart by his opponent – hey Paley, more about you next time and less about Mr. Sandman.

On to P3, where Gil is on the driving range and the pro is asking him about some random guy playing golf on the course. If Gil is busy giving lessons how does he know if Hendricks is a reputable player or a sandbagger, as the pros question would suggest. No idea how the info in the first 2 panels would suggest anything suspicious, but in this strip, we know anything goes. And how does Gil know how much time the pro has to watch 1 player at his course, when he has lessons to give, and many other duties related to running a golf course?

In other news, I’m heading to Colorado Sunday to watch the team formerly known as the Chicago Cubs take on the Rockies. No worries as I’ll be back Friday to do this job, and Im sure by then we’ll have more info on that cheatin sack o lies Hendricks. Dream on, TWIMers!

Heather Rennt (oder “Run Heather Run”)

I wished I could play soccer

I couldn’t, though I tried

I wished I could play football

I didn’t have the size

I am my daddy’s princess

He thinks I’m really grand

And when I was in high school

Played everything but band

I wish I was a writer

Who rakes in lots of green

I haven’t got a prayer

You know just what I mean

I wish I wasn’t desperate

To pay off student loans

I wish I could leave Milford

Who knows just where I’d roam?

Today’s strip is another clear example of Rubin’s horrifically poor pacing ability. Heather’s interview at the Star was featured in the first strip of this arc. If he drags out the hiring decision as long as he dragged out the Milford Library Board decision it’ll be mid-to-late August before she gets the offer – just in time for football season and wacky conflicts of interest. Watch the unpaid offensive line coaching assistant get paid to report on the team she assistant coaches! Watch her stonewall Marty Moon to keep WDIG from getting the inside scoop from the Milford locker room! Watch the Mudlark players give Heather the silent treatment for fear she’ll put anything they say in print!

If only this strip had the same time loop premise as the movie. Heather might’ve kept on running and knocked Marjie to the pavement. The subsequent skull fracture would’ve sidelined Marjie indefinitely and made the job all Heather’s.

meta: I added the “Make and Model Mystery Mobile” tag because I couldn’t figure out if the cinder block on wheels behind Marjie was a Scion xB or a Mercedes-Benz G-wagen. Thinking the latter sent me down a German rabbit hole that led me to the inspiration for today’s post.

Please Let This Golf Shark Be Gil’s Long-lost Son

Continuing with an idea thrown out by robmize yesterday, kids fresh out of college do not need to have their life’s trajectories neatly laid out before them the moment they’re handed their diplomas. The realities of today’s working world and the high costs of post-secondary education weigh on today’s twentysomethings like they did on few generations before them. So kudos to Rubin for painting that aspect of Heather’s character with a fairly accurate brush. Still Gil can’t help but be a tiny bit of a dick with his little dig at the many things Heather tried to do during her high school days.

Speaking of tiny dickishness: I imagine Friend of TWIM and fellow Thorp snarker Mopman is having a field day with P2 here, skipping over the Get Smart references and going straight to the crotchal area.

Today’s bombshell may be an unintentional one, however. Between the hairline and the coloring, he’s made golf shark Hendricks into a dead ringer for Gildeaux and vice versa. Okay, maybe the sideburns are a millimeter or two different but seriously, how lazy can he get? Lazy enough that we could hope against hope that Hendricks is in reality long lost Thorp son Jami. Now that would make for an interesting summer plot…

Time for an afternoon siesta. Have at it, gentle readers, and catch you next week.

I’m shocked – SHOCKED! – that I’m using this line again!

We start today with more golf gibberish to the effect that grinning idiot Hendricks here flubbed a shot but got lucky and close to the hole. As a result, he wins a bet with the sturdy looking dude with the color-changing shirt and bucket hat. Shades of Lanny Penn again, maybe – but what’s this? I know there’s a movement afoot to replace Andrew Jackson’s likeness on the $20 bill, but it’s with Harriet Tubman‘s, not Val Kilmer’s.

Quick cut to the offices of the Milford Star where Marjie Ducey’s talking to her editor, whose body looks suspiciously like Gil’s when he’s making the mangia bene hand gesture. Presumably he’s got Heather Burns’ resume in front of him, which should look a little like this:

EDUCATION

BA, Journalism, University of Iowa, Iowa City, IA, 2021

High School Diploma, Milford High School, Milford, ??, 2017

WORK EXPERIENCE

Assistant Coach, Milford 7-on-7 football practice, 2017

Life Coach to Confused NBA Players, 2017

Varsity Football, Tight End, Tackling Dummy, Fifth-String Quarterbacks Coach, Assistant Trainer, and General Distraction, 2016

Varsity Soccer, Dead Weight, ???-2016

Alright, Rubin’s got about six weeks for this arc. How are these rando panels gonna come together, then, gentle readers? Heather Burns gets a job with the Star, but not a permanent job – Milford’s too much of a tank town to need more than one reporter – so she’ll serve as Marjie’s unpaid intern. Marjie puts her on the trail of this gambling and counterfeiting ring at the Milford CC, launching Heather’s career as an investigative reporter* somewhere else while Marjie gets to keep her top dog status at the Star.

*Because that worked out so well for Dafne Dafonte.

Blood Is Thicker than Coffee

So that’s how it’s gonna be.

Katy knows her father is trying to get on the library board to defund the Milford Public Library solely because he went there once and saw that there were computers not in use at that moment. This even after Zane showed up for dinner and explained how having those computers available benefited people like himself – a kid whose family has become financially strapped due to his father’s crippling disability and the subsequent loss of income. Now Zane’s gonna stand up to Abel and for the library by running for the same library board seat and, knowing the entire backstory, Katy’s gonna distance herself from him and side with her dad? Even when she knows what will happen to Zane if Abel has his way?

Time to rethink my stance on Katy Brito.

Thank goodness there’s still a sympathetic female character to get behind in this arc, a creature of pure light and supernatural talent so gifted that her sharp tongue and penchant for targeting people for public humiliation is readily overlooked. What amazing strings will Mimi pull for Corina to get into State U and have a full-time caretaker look after her mom while she attends? Here at TWIM, come for the softball, stay for the gymnastics!

Brito, Unfiltered

See Abel Brito.

See Abel Brito’s tiny body.

See Abel Brito’s tiny briefcase.

See Abel Brito’s tiny bolero jacket.

See Abel Brito’s huge ego.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Abel Brito?

We saw yesterday that Abel Brito is just a step or two behind the times when it comes to internet connectivity and the finer points of working remotely. Maybe even more than a step or two, since he feels the need to print out his work. Good thing Dr. Pearl with a dye job is there to tell him where the printer is. (What? You can’t tell me that’s not Dr. Pearl with a dye job! Things are tough all over, especially since the Milford School Board froze faculty and staff salaries a couple of years ago.) She didn’t tell him how much it costs to print; prolly 5 or 10 cents a copy but free for Milford Library Board members. He did hear there’s a vacancy on the Library Board, didn’t he?

Abel Brito might be a step or two behind the times when it comes to teenage relationships, too. He’s obviously not happy about his daughter Katy’s dating Zane Clark. Can’t be ’cause the kid is a slacker; he’s hard at work at that very same library Abel’s forcing himself to use. Must be because of his home life, some aspect of which must be making Zane unworthy of his daughter. Wouldn’t it be convenient if the Library Board found a way to keep kids from spending too much time at the library, forcing them to, I dunno, study at home?

meta: Thanks @tdrewhardin for covering for me on Saturday’s post.

Oh for chrissakes let it go already!

The plot is now spinning its wheels as if it were stuck in the snow we’ve gotten over the past month. I get home from Muskegon Feb 1 and there’s a foot on the ground. Then last Monday we get 17 inches more. A reporter on the radio said his table in the yard had 35 inches of snow on it. Sheesh, if I stood on top of the snow piles at the bottom of my driveway I could see the top of my roof. My neighbors have 2 grills and furniture on their deck, and theyre all loaded with snow. Roofs are collapsing every day out here, and I’m praying one of those huge icicles doesnt slice me in half when I walk under em delivering packages to houses. The business strip mall I service is like an ice rink with inumerable hazards on the ground and above.At least the parking lot is clean. Ive got so much salt on the bottom of my shoes I could fill my shaker in the kitchen. My car was so dirty last week I couldnt find it in the parking lot at the grocery store. Hasnt been purple in a while. I went to the car wash and came out driving a block of ice on wheels.

And did I mention we hardly had anything in December and January? Ah, winter in the Midwest.

The 2 guys are engaged in a discussion connected to being late because the cop stopped him and yada yada yada. Yeah everything happens for a reason. But nothing has happened in a week in this plot, and that cop basically stopped Doug twice, and wasted Both of their time in the process. Is Tom on crutches? For a mild sprain? I’d say anything mild you just walk it off and limp around for a day or 2. I never once needed them and I’m sure I sprained my ankles half a dozen times here and there. So Im calling bullshit on the diagnosis.

And shouldnt Doug be ahead of Tom, holding the door for HIM, instead of vice versa? When anyone figures that out, let me know.