This Week in Milford

September 21, 2022

It Must’ve Been Zane Clark’s Doing

How bleeding edge are we now, kids? The Linda Lindas’ new album is their first album, released only this past June. They’d previously released an EP in 2020. Their breakout hit was “Racist, Sexist Boy” which kinda seems on brand for the nu-look Gil Thorp. Here they are performing it at a public library, which kinda seems on brand for the old-look Gil Thorp.

Rock ‘n Roll Thursday comes a day early to TWIM, then.

That, in a nutshell, is what today’s strip is all about: getting past the hard candy shell of modern society to get to the chewy middle of adolescent desire to be popular and part of a group. Look beyond the hijab-clad volleyball player and her brown-bagged meal (possibly halal, because the MHS cafeteria can’t be trusted) and see the girl who wants to let her circle of friends know she’s hip to the latest music. Look past Arianna’s acknowledgement of the hijab-clad girl (who hasn’t been given a name yet IIRC) and see the girl who wants her friends to know she uses Urban Dictionary. Look beyond Keri’s suddenly green-dyed hair and bejeweled everything and see the girl whose nose is out of joint because she’s not in the team picture one of her teammates took and posted to social media.

So sit back, relax, and watch the old Too Cool For School drama play out with a bunch of new faces. At this rate, we’ll probably see more of that than we will of Mudlark football.

December 18, 2021

Talley Up the Votes

Time for this season’s Mouseketeer Roll Call, Lady Mudlarks version, and with it comes the changing of the guard. No, I don’t mean Corina Karenna, though that’s how that’s supposed to work. It’s the changing of the guard at the Milford Star and, frankly, Mimi doesn’t know how to handle it.

Instead of talking to a peer in Marjie Ducey, Mimi now has to rattle off her roster to Heather Burns, who roamed the halls of Milford only five seasons previous, and her ever-present smartphone. Look how Mimi can’t make eye contact with Heather. Look how thick Mimi’s mustache is getting. Look at how manly her hands have become. (Then again, she’s always been as manly as Gil, so there ya go.) The players stay the same age, the reporters get younger, but the coach does neither.

Her youth and her backcourt gone, Mimi tires to convince herself that her bigs will save the day. Cressa Baxter did her part last season but what about the other two? Landry Carlson has been a fixture in Milford softball for the past couple of seasons but has never been called out on the hardwood, and where was Hollis “Zoomie” Talley until this past week? Spending her free time with the Civil Air Patrol?

Maybe she’s just relieved to be rid of Corina and Tessi “No Defense” Milton. Without them, there’s less likelihood of dissent among the team… that is, until they try to pick a captain. This should devolve as quickly as that whole TCFS debacle from a couple of softball seasons ago. I might’ve missed this before, but did the Lady Mudlarks always vote on a captain or did Mimi pick them? How did your high school teams select captains, TWIMers? Talk amongst yourselves.

September 4, 2020

I’m Coming Out, So You Better Get The Perky Started

Hey y’all, it’s your old pal teenchy, subbing for Rob tonight. Have we ever had a dedicated volleyball arc? The closest we’ve come during my tenure here was last spring when one of Mimi’s softball players, Linda Carr, got burnt out on playing for the Valley Elites while not being TCFS so she quit the Valley Elites but went off to college to play volleyball anyway. Valerie Okumbe was a player (and rejector of infamous locker denizen Jamar Gaddis) for Milford (not the Valley Elites) in 2009, but she was never actually shown playing volleyball. I defer to our TWIM statisticians for additional background.

So we may finally get a bit of a fall girls’ sports angle, if only to showcase new resident jerkface Corina Karenna. Frizzy-haired girl Becca (who gets a Pantheon of Hair tag from me) asks an innocent question and gets called “perky” for it. Dark-haired girl Susan drops a hint that she won’t let Corina off quite so easily, even as Corina flips her a comeback (and the bird) as she strides off down the hall. Here’s hoping some of Mimi’s “bigs” tape Corina to a locker, Jamar Gaddis-style.

June 20, 2019

The Rally Hippos Are Back And This Time They Want Your Attention.

Filed under: actual action, Milford Weirdos, softball, TCFS — tdrewhardin @ 1:47 am

062019

They’ve been dragged out of the gym bag to keep the world safe for Democracy and lead us onto Victory. In fact, the Russians used them to cheer on Rocky when he was returning the favor on Ivan Drago and beating him to a pulp. And they are recyclable.

That comes in handy when Gilligan stuffs the ballot boxes and tortures any dissidents who dare challenge his power. Should Andy Taylor and Barney Fife ever get stranded because the Mayberry Luxury Liner took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and wound up on the wrong side of the International Date Line and shared the same fate as the S. S. Minnow, they’re toast. Premier Gilligan will have them lined up on the firing line before you can say “Thurston Howell”. All because Barney forgot to stuff a hippo in the Liner’s luggage rack.

And I remember an obscure episode from Alfred Hitchcock Theater where this nutcase is driving a psychiatrist up the wall throughout the show due to quirky behavior that doesn’t deserve the chair but is enough to wind up on the shrink’s couch.

However, the nutcase goes too far when he has this shoebox in his arms and threatens to push the button, which is on the shoebox and presumably is harboring a bomb inside. Of course, he does it somewhere on a street corner where he scares the daylights out of the shrink and the general public.

Well, the shrink manages to get the nutcase to come to his senses, relatively speaking. The police, having none of it, are just about to cuff him and haul him away when, not so fast, says the nutcase. I didn’t say I’d detonate a bomb, I just said I’d push the button. The police, done in by a case of semantics, the shrink helpless to declare this nutcase a true nutcase, are forced to let him go free.

Now Hitchcock wasn’t about to foment an uprising by letting a psycho go free and continue his Buster Brown Shoe Box Bomb Scares at the Milford Mall so at the end of the show, Hitchcock would announce that our friendly psycho was, say,  caught robbing the S-Mart later on, taken to the Milford Detention Center for further questioning.

And so when I saw the scenario in P3 yesterday, I thought of that episode.

“I didn’t say Wellington WON, I just said ‘1-0, Wellington’.”

“Fine, will you put the Florsheim box down?  You’re making the Lady Mudlarks nervous.”

“Gil, only if you promise to invite me to your verandah for some prime rib off your Smokemaster grill and a cold glass or two or three of Country Tyme Lemonade.”

“Deal.”

“And Mimi wears that bikini she wore when she worked part-time at Hooters.”

“You got it. Anything else?”

“Yeah, you know where I can get a program of the game?”

“I think they still have several left by the mustard bottles by the concession stand.”

 

And I’ll admit yours truly thought Wellington was going to raid Milford and head outta town sneakin’ away a victory but noooooooooooo, if that’s to happen or no, we won’t find out today, we didn’t find out YESTERDAY and I’m not holding my breath on tomorrow, given the attention the Rally Hippos have commanded. They certainly know how to interrupt any Kirk Gibson Moment in Time.

In fact, when Willie Mays made The Catch, do you really honestly think he wound up with a BALL??????

“I can’t get this Hippo out of my glove. Where’s the equipment manager? And tell him to bring a screwdriver.”

 

Seen in some Fin de Siecle edition of the Milford Enquirer

“How Did The Rough Riders Take San Juan Hill? The Hippo Knows!!!!!!!”

sub head line

“Dr. Pearl’s father. Lt. Col. Thaddeus Wilcox Pearl, led Milford’s regiment right behind Teddy even as Dr. Pearl served as a nurse in Barton’s tent.”

 

Oooooooooookkkkkk, we are puttin’ on our Rally Hippos!!!!!!!!! Robocop, er, Linda Carr managed to draw a walk with Milford still in contention, and, honestly, were we expecting ANYBODY ELSE? The damn strip is only alloted 3 panels at a time and if the hecklers got to be too much when Bozo the Clown coaxes 4 balls and a free pass down to first base (Remember, you can’t defense a walk to Barney Rubble) , you can’t get 3 extra panels and overlap them into Dilbert. Bozo and Dilbert on first, nah, that ain’t right, Bozo’s on first, Dilbert’s on second, I Don’t Know’s on third, or something to that nature.

Be that as it may, Linda Carr, fresh from freeing herself from the Autocracy of Gilligan and his iron-handed rule in Australia, is on the bag, representing the tying run. Darn, the script didn’t shoot this lame horse with Linda not paying attention and getting picked off the bag. Of course, that’s just speeding up the scheme of things until Gil and Mimi and the Psycho enjoy Miller Time on the verandah, er

COME ON, LINDA!!!!!!!!!!! RAL-LEE!!!!!!!! RAL-LEE!!!!!!!! RAL-LEE!!!!!!!!! RAL…..

 

 

 

 

Come to Sycamore Island on Corydon Pike in New Albany, Indiana. They are across the road from my dad’s business and have been around for eons to take care of the fisherman or the hunter in the family. If you need that fishing rod or hunting bow right quick, chances are, Jim Proctor, the owner, has it in stock or will die try to get it for you. AND the Pay Lake is well-stocked to satisfy people eager to nab one out of the water. That place is ALWAYS busy. I oughta know.

Come see for yourself where Jim and his friendly staff are there ready to take care of you. That’s what Small Businesses do. And they DEFINITELY know my name. Isn’t that what this is all about?

Support Small Business. Keep America great.

 

Would you like to say something before you bat

Volleyball is sunken somewhere in Mudlark Lake

 

 

I couldn’t bring myself to tolerate the offal that was thrown

Gil’s hair is justly permafrosted and lying in some cave

We watched the hippos dancing and lost a bloody year

 

 

And I-I-I-I-I-I-I would like to knowwwwwww

How does it feel

How does it FEEL

 

Bah,

Bah bah bahhhhhhhh

Bah bah bah, BAHHHHHHH

Bah bah-de-bah

 

Goodbye to you

Golf season’s due

I’ve stood this plot for one year

 

Gotta feed my Floyd Fix

It’s “Summer ’68” off of Atom Heart Mother, you whippersnappers.

RIP, Richard Wright. Your organ and piano and general keyboards were killer on songs such as “Us and Them”, anything from “Animals”, “Eclipse/Brain Damage”, etc.

 

If ya yank yore Rally Bloodhound out of yore Rural King gym bag that’s still got the price on it because yore Thursday Night Men’s Slo-Pitch Light Industrial League team is puttin’ on a ferocious rally against Milford Tool & Die, espeshully cuz no new inning cain’t start after 11:00PM, ta accommodate them that’s gotta work third shift, all fer braggin’ rights fer one year and a case of Stroh’s Select, ya might be a redneck.

 

Does she or doesn’t she? Man, what color, what brilliance, such elan to watch this soar to new heights…all right, lay off, this is not a Clairol ad, it’s Carla layin’ some wood to the ball (Those tips by the Madison batters at Milford Batting Cages & Driving Range paid off, whattya know) , pretty good form and angle at that. Yet, we gotta wait until at least TOMORROW to see if she pulls a Kirk Gibson and performs the Home Run Trot, complete with Pulling the Bow while she’s rounding second base, or if this is just warning track power.

I feel like Theseus trying to negotiate this Labyrinth that is this softball plotline, thankful that I have this thread to clutch in case the person or thing or whatever pops out of the Journalism Room and it isn’t Ms. Rizk. Granted, she should get a life but you wouldn’t think her mien would be altered, ya think…

Vin Scully with the call

“They’re bringing Eckersley in to face Gibson. The last time this happened, well, you have to go alllllllll the way back to 1961, when Sandy Koufax faced Roberto Clemente, the latter fresh off the DL, on a full moon night and the Dodger Stadium popcorn machine flickering for its life…”

THERE’S A DRIVE, WAY BACK, IT MIGHT BE, IT COULD BE—-

AAAAAAHHHHHHH, THERE’S THE MINOTAUR!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE’S MY THREAD?????? GOTTA GET BACK TO THE CAFETERIA ASAP!!!!!!!!!! IT DOESN’T LIKE THE FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At any rate, the Lady Mudlarks have a lot riding on tomorrow(?). Stay tuned.

 

“They’re bringing in a pinch hitter. I don’t think it’s Gibson. I’ll have more in a moment. There’s 2 out, a runner on first, with score, Wellington, 1, Milford, zippo, you’re listening to Marty Moon, the voice of WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

DON’T NOBODY MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’LL PUSH THE BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Coach Shaw, I know I can be a hardass sometimes but put down that Air Jordan shoebox and let’s talk.”

DON’T COME ANY CLOSER, GIL. I’LL BLOW THIS WHOLE MALL TO SMITHEREENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Well, while you’re scaring everybody here in the Food Court, will you at least tell us what is wrong? I’m starving for some Fish ‘n’ More at Long John Silvers and I think I deserve an explanation as long as you’re delaying lunch hour. Some of us have to get back to class, we can’t all come and go in the strip when we damn well please, y’know.”

Coach Shaw, seeing Gil’s point, clings to the shoe box but takes middle finger off the knob

Then his head sags slightly

“My wife said I needed to take my significant other to Milford Lathe Works and get it shaped to be a bed leg cuz it wasn’t doing no good in bed. Something Clemenceau slept in during the Treaty of Versailles.”

“That’s ALL your problem? You threatened to blow up the Milford Dippin’ Dots stand because you couldn’t pump like you used to pump iron when you were in high school?”

“Shame, ain’t it?”

“Shaw, if you’ll dump the Air Jordans, I can slam dunk your Erectile Dysfunction problems by taking you down to the east wing, between Milford Jeans Outlet and Payless Shoes, where Milford Men’s Clinic is located. There, they have the latest technology and medicines, tailored to fit your needs and follow through with a program that will get you as hard as new. And now, for a limited time, they have the testosterone drug, Flexidol, an injection intended to air that flat tire in a minute when she’s bending over in that bikini when she’s doing the laundry but gentle to bring your significant other for a safe landing when you’re ordering the Whopper w/Cheese Combo here at Burger King in the Food Court. No sense in people chomping on a Wendy’s Chicken Club wondering if that’s a Russet Potato growing out of your crotch.”

“I’ll go on one condition.”

“You got it.”

“Can you loan me some money to post bail?”

 

“Well, this story had a happy ending. The Milford Mall agreed to drop charges against Coach Shaw if he would undergo Court-ordered treatment, an 18-month program at the Milford Men’s Clinic, and the intense therapy that accompanied it. It’s a Dog Wash for his significant other, in other words. Plenty of Lassie Shampoo on this limp garden hose that will grow up to be a man.

Come see for yourself at Milford Men’s Clinic. And leave your Gucci shoe box at home.”

 

Have at it, Gang. I can wait until the 2020 Presidential Election to see if Milford pulled it out. Bought plenty of popcorn.

 

“The ending of oww-er stawry was nawt completely devoid of bad tidings, my frehnds. Gil and Mimi wroh–tt their ohhnn ending and the Lady Mudlahh-rrks won the champion-ship, beating Wellington, 36-1, in a, to quohh-tt you Americans, cake (slight pause) walk. And they dumped the bawdy of Mr. Moon in Mudlahhrr-kk Lake. The Psycho mehhh-tt his match with Don Everly. That is awwll. Good night.”

 

 

OMG, WHERE’S MY FLEXIDOL

“You can look but you can’t touch. Or I WILL push the button. Eat your ground round before it gets cold. And you’re spilling Bud on the verandah.”

June 17, 2019

How Cool Is This? Too.

Filed under: huge earrings, TCFS — nedryerson @ 6:12 am

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This season has really put us through the ringer. However, just when you thought it was safe to drink a hard lemonade and enjoy some golf shenanigans, here come the PLAYDOWNS! Well, maybe we will see playdowns, as in actual sports competition on the field. We might just see more of this panel 3 nonsense: Too Cool randos (bagel salesmen, screenwriters, bowlers, etc.) paying homage to the softball champs.

Shout out to the two Lady Mudlarks (probably Jamila and unknown teammate with a feminine take on the Bobby Bittman hairstyle). You got three panels to tell a story of pleasant surprise that the school follows the softball team (and model a weirdly childish backpack with a frog or bear or something.) But your glory is shortlived as we had to go right back to TCFS. Which TCFS dude is holding the HISTORY 101 textbook? Did we meet him before or is he a very successful teenage worm farmer or other Too Cool feature?

 

 

 

June 15, 2019

I Bet No One’s Said That to the Blues or Raptors

gt06152019

In the real world, this past week saw league championships won by franchises that had never won them before: the NHL’s St. Louis Blues and the NBA’s Toronto Raptors (contrary to popular belief, not named for Brent and Jolene Raptor). I always enjoy seeing first-time champs; I think it’s good for the sports. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been pulling for a Mariners-Nationals World Series for the past fifteen years. Both the Blues and the Raptors won on the road and, while it’s not the same as winning on home ice/court, it didn’t diminish the joy in their respective fan bases.

In the Thorpiverse, it’s not like the fans have been packing the bleachers to watch the Lady Mudlarks rip through the Valley. If anything, the TCFS scandal that wasn’t may have alienated large chunks of the student body. Since we seldom see the stands in any Milford baseball/softball action, it’s hard to say. My guess is that the Lady Mudlarks return to campus to three cheers and a tiger and a big TCFS banner honoring them for winning, for reading Animal Farm, and for passing out spirit buttons to anyone who asks nicely.

Today’s strip doesn’t have the feeling of a story wrap-up, but it does have some foreshadowing in the form of Jocelynn’s twisted ankle as she crosses the plate. Just enough of an injury to get the girls knocked out in the first round of the playdowns but not enough to end the self-congratulation. Maybe Mimi can lord it over Gil this summer; it’s no state championship but it’s the most recent championship either Thorp has brought back to Milford.

metapost, kinda: Mea culpa for getting it wrong earlier this week that Linda was going to David’s to break up with him. I still don’t give them much longer.

June 8, 2019

Coffee Talk with Linda… Carr?

gt06082019

“Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m your host Mimi Thorp. On this show we talk about coffee, softball, volleyball, George Orwell – you know, no big whoop. Just Coffee Talk.

“Today I’m coming to you live from the Milford High Teacher’s Lounge. Now which teacher is it for? Well, only one Coach Thorp has their team on the verge of winning the Valley, and it’s not my guest, Coach Gil Thorp, who also happens to be my husband.

“So, nu, how is your baseball team doing?”

“Well, we’ve had better seasons, but I’m proud of the boys for…”

“Feh, no big whoop. Have I told you about my girls and all their interests off the field?  It gives them swagger and it’s infectious. Kind of like toenail fungus.”

“Yeah. I’m seeing more of those ‘TC’ pins.”

“Oh, those. Molly Hatcher got them for 39 cents each. Such a deal. At first it was a fun thing, like a Barbra Streisand marathon. Then the girls had the chutzpah to start deciding who that wasn’t on the team should be getting the pins. So I had them read Animal Farm, let them know that was a verkakte idea.  But let me tell you about Linda Carr. Her swing is like butter, but she’s gotten all shpilkes about her volleyball scholarship.  I gotta get her calmed down; I need her bat for the playdowns.

“All this talk of winning championships has me all verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic: The ‘Too Cool For School’ buttons are neither too cool nor for school. Discuss.”

(apologies Mike Myers)

June 7, 2019

I’m firing that pig!

Well so much for Animal Farm being a difference maker in this storyline. That pig must be rolling his eyes as he rolls in the mud reading this strip. We’re back down that long slippery slope to nothing. Its so bad you wonder whether this strip was intended to run a week ago, before the book assignment. And Rubin forgot about it and is just now running it, so out of sequence is the mindset of the characters. Maybe Molly threw in the towel about her synchronized skating  (and for that matter the softball team) and is just enjoying her role in life as the president of the Tool Cool Club. Who the hell is this committee anyway? I cant believe any high school male would get that excited about getting a button like that. And does Tyler even know about this TC shit? His first question should be — ‘What committee?’

Even Molly’s logic is flawed. Hey — writing screenplays is a BYPRODUCT of ones education, just like doing a science project is a byproduct of getting schooled in science and Applying that knowledge. So it aint too cool for school. TC buttons should go to kids who are so cocky they dont want to learn whats being taught and put the effort into the process. These 2 guys dont qualify at all– but Molly is such a fuckin dimwit she cant tell the difference. And she ordered more badges– I know the first batch was 50, so we will have 100 Milford students walking around campus on June 10 when everyone else is working on their summer tan, with these silly things that will be forgotton as soon as the next storyline commences. As some Spanish guy said -De Sooner De Better.

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