This Week in Milford

October 13, 2018

Sister Act

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Thank goodness we don’t have to listen to Kaz pretend to be a film buff to get a kid to play football anymore. That was getting awkward.

Know what else is gonna get awkward real fast? The secondary plot about Tiki Jansen. Besides not being a star and having a ratty orphan car, we didn’t know much about him until last week, when we learned he has “a slow sister problem.”  Rubin left it to interpretation then that Tiki’s sister might have a hard time getting ready for school. Now he drops broad hints that fifth-grader Angela might not be in the regular Milford school system.

How is Rubin gonna tie all these loose ends together?  Maybe Joe Bolek gets together with Tiki and Angela and they watch films of Nate Kaeding together, I dunno. (Nah, that makes no sense; Kaeding was a placekicker, not a punter.)  I shudder to think how this strip is gonna handle IEPs, Least Restrictive Environments, developmental pediatricians and all the baggage that comes with them. On that bright note, Happy Saturday, TWIMers!

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September 12, 2018

Frank Gehry’s Fast Food Masterpiece

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If you’re not knocked off balance by panels one and two, in which the architect of The Bucket tells Euclid to piss off, then the shifting narrative and stilted dialogue (plus mystery girl in panel two) shouldn’t present too much more of a challenge to parse.

For myself, I can confess nothing but disappointment that we aren’t getting another chance to continue talking about the shitty cars we drove in high school (and/or are driving presently). As it stands, I suppose we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to understand why these characters are being introduced.

Bonus question: Why is the strip’s date inserted front and center of panel two?

September 11, 2018

“Don’t Let The Insurance Companies Gouge You On Your Sorry Piece Of Crap.”

Filed under: big arms, lessons learned, Milford Idiots, The Bucket, The Legend of Joe Sharkey — tdrewhardin @ 3:44 pm

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“Hi, I’m attorney Joe Sharkey with Sharkey and Sons. You might have remembered me from the ’70’s when I could hit the ball a ton but the plotlines ruined my career. Things happen. But they SHOULDN’T happen to you. I might have lost 2 fingers but I sued the sawmill company and live in a nice subdivision, Mudlark Chase, for my efforts. You can live on Easy Street too for your lost appendages. If you or your loved one have been injured in a car accident or your automobile winds up like P2 where you can’t tell the difference between that and Archie’s Jalopy, call The Shark today at 1-FON-THE-JAWS. Insurance companies are hard at work making sure you get no more than your hand can handle out of a gumball machine. Let us fight for you and get you the money you deserve.”

“Hi, I’m Melba Hateley and my back was thrown out when Marty Moon backed a Milford Mini-Transit bus out of Milford Beverage Warehouse and rammed my Mo-Ped. I was getting a dried prune liqueur after a hard day at Milford Foundry when Mr. Moon forgot to check his blind spot in order to make up for lost time after being held up in line in the Warehouse on his lunch break. He was so determined to get his Vodka and run, he rear-ended me and threw me several feet, almost winding up in the Milford Sanitation Truck. I was in the hospital for several weeks from my injury plus a couple more days from Milford General Hospital Garbage Removal and Dermal Disinfecting Procedures. I needed just compensation for my lost wages. Thank God for The Shark.”

“Just remember, one call, THAT’S ALL.”

 

Well, gang, I think you can deduce where I’m going with this one. P2 just got the ball rolling and took things out to orbit.
Thanks for the tip, Tiki. I needed a few pointers on how to break the ice with people I’ve just met. Show ’em my ’69 Ford Mercury 400 V-8 that’s holed up at Milford Scrap Metal, Inc., explaining how I’m going to maneuver this vehicle out of the yard in time for the Milford High School Prom next Spring. “And the winner, for 2 tickets to the Milford Imax Theater, for the vehicle most likely to be sold piece-by-piece on E-Bay…”

 

Tonight at 8, MST (Mudlark Standard Time), catch all the action as Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw battles the streets of Milford to harness drug traffic caused by a gang of Mudlark punks. Will he make it out alive in time for the next film session? Stay tuned for another exciting episode right after The Jetsons right here on WDIG-TV.”

 

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw steps of his Texas Mudlark Ranger Cruiser after pulling over a mini-van with 5 teenagers.

“I need to see your driver’s license and registration.” as he spits towards the road. He has made the mistake of expectorating his Red Man Bubble Yum chaw towards a serial killer on the lam before (“Whoops, sorry”, holding off the psycho’s urge to pull his Colt .45 from under the seat, especially when Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw handed him a Bounty-the quick picker-upper).

Items are given to Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw. Everything is in order, down to the VIN.

“I have a search warrant on a suspicion of your smuggling electronic cigarettes across the county, part of a ring from Milford to Oakwood.”

“Sir, we just came from football practice. If you’d been there, you’d know.”

Trying to recover face that’s been lost now and for 60 years

“Yeah, well, what’s that in your cup holder?”

“Those are candy cigarettes, peppermint and lemon-lime. Want one? Besides, we’re not allowed to eat something after a grueling practice?”

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw never accepts bribes, plus it wouldn’t mix well with his chaw, getting nasty images of him spitting THAT combo on the road and heads back to his squad car. Later, on his cell phone to HQ

“I think we can close the book on this one” as he nukes a raccoon in the parking lot of the Milford General Baptist Church with his chaw.

AS closing credits on the show appear on the screen, Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw is seen returning to his original identity, sipping Milford 7-11 Diet Cherry Cappuccino while dissecting game film with Coach Kaz, the kittycat meowing in the MTM Enterprises logo (spinoff from the Mary Tyler Moore Show?-no way) signifying the show is FINALLY over-well, until the next blow anyway.

 

P1: Who knows what lurks in the minds of teenage boys with nothing but nasty cars in their possession that he perhaps hot-wired in a farmer’s pig-sty somewhere, fresh with pig doo-doo in the trunk? And is willing to divulge and share with his friends so that his friends too might be dragged down on the vessel Charon to share the same fate as Proserpina? Where souls suffer day and night because Marty isn’t there from the Milford Transit Authority even if Marty flunked the oral portion of the B License exam because he forgot to memorize the weight of a B vehicle per se? They can no longer make fun of his slamming on the brakes at an intersection because the Thorp kids got too careless in the streets? THE SHADOW KNOWS.

That, or it’s a murder scene of Frankenstein. Hope the Milford Police had plenty of “Do Not Cross” tape on that one.

 

 

And of course, I drew a blank just when that next Classic Comedy Schtik, a la Moby Dick or Great Expectations was ready to emanate from my brain. Just not my day, gang.

And I’m just a little antsy over WHO SHOT COACH SHAW? Maybe that’s the reason the ideas flow until they hit the floodwall. Yeah, that’s it. My Christian Conscience is stemming the spark of creativity. Don’t let Do The Right Thing get trumped from artistic expression.

 

If ya bought a car because ya got a fetish for a beat-up sorry-ass-excuse-for-a-car-ta-drive-ta-work-on-third-shift-at-the-Milford-Foundry but ya kick the tires just ta make shore ya git thar, ya might be a redneck.

 

Okay, gang, back by popular demand, Gene Rayburn is back at the helm for Match Game 2018 ready for you to keep those wits a-blazin’. We’re ready, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE?????), she thought Tiki meant______________ in  Micropolynesian.

 

Shout-out to Elizabeth Thompson in Louisville, Kentucky. She goes to school as a volunteer to help tutor and make sure kids get their lunches and offer encouragement, especially to the underprivileged kids. This is a much-needed service and the best thing is it’s FREE. Elizabeth, the kids lack something when you’re not there. Keep being that parent that perhaps some of these kids don’t have and keep nagging them to aspire to greater heights. They’ll thank you for it when they get older. God Bless you in your efforts.

 

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared of Charges in Coach Shaw Shooting!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Key witnesses confirm he was at a Jehovah’s Witness Convention in Richmond, Virginia; plus, the gloves to the weapon were several sizes too small and used for gardening.”

 

A shout-out is in order for Better Bargains on Cane Run Road and Lower Hunter’s Trace Road in Louisville, Kentucky. They have great buys on many items, including chips and drinks. Just walk in the door and you’ll see a display case with nothing BUT chips. Love it. They have several grocery items reasonably priced not to mention a few goodies (yum yum!!!!!) like Hostess and Little Debbie. Skip the Wal-Mart route and come on down and indulge. The staff has ALWAYS been nice and friendly to me and that just tops off my feelings towards this place. Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood, stop on in. Support small businesses. You NEED a place where everybody knows your name.

 

And I’m not EVEN going to comment on P3. People in the graveyard behind The House of the Seven Gables KNOW it’s The Bucket, NOT The Pail. Stuuuu-pid. That’s right, Ren, tell Stimpy that it’s The Bucket, NOT THE PAIL.

 

“Well, Coach, sounds like another runaround session to me. And we’ll be back for some final thoughts after this. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field
Sports.”

 

“Man, I’m like James Brown!!!!!!!!! I FEEEEEELLLLLL GOOD!!!!!!!!!! No more ridin’ around in that wheelchair like the pony at the Milford Wal-Mart!!!!!!!! I’m ready to tackle the world!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Great, Honey, you can tackle me first!!!!!!!!!”

“Blubba, blooba, bleeba, I might fumble the snap. Plus, I wasn’t good at the wraparound technique when I played. Hit ’em like a ton of bricks and hope they fall like a set of dominoes.”

“Well, you can jump on this player once you’ve knocked her cold. It’s not as if I’m returning the fumble for a 99-yard-score.”

“I wasn’t very fast. By the time they were at the 20-yard-line on the other end, I just went to the bench and doused myself with the water bottle”

“You still have to get up for the handshake after the game.”

“Glippy glop gloopy, ippy oppy, ooppy, la la la lo lo, I was a poor sport. If we didn’t win by at least 35, I hit the showers behind the Coach’s back. I had no respect for a bunch of sissies, especially when they played like girls.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What do you mean? I got all the paperwork filled out for that unicorn tag during bow season. I even dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s.”

“The female end of things?”

“I’ll have to check Doe Season on unicorns,especially with a handgun. I’m not certain if you can use a Sig Sauer. I didn’t find that in the huntin’ manual.”

“I’m a girl, Honey.”

Coach Shaw scratches head in slight confusion

“You’re not listed in any season. I could have sworn I didn’t see you. I’ll write a letter to the Game Warden.”

 

“Well, as you can see, I did a poor rendition of ‘Hair’ and I just flat out didn’t see the horns from the unicorns. When Coach Kaz showed me where the Milford Men’s Clinic was on the Milford Mall map, I got there and boy, did they open my eyes to all the treatment plans available. My erections showed me YOU ARE HERE and we went from there to Xanadu. To stand within the Pleasure Dome, indeed. I never read this Colby Jack Taylor but he musta got erections by the bucketful in that cave he found. But, men, you don’t gotta go to Mammoth Cave for you to get it on at the Holiday Inn Express with your honey. Stop in at the Milford Men’s Clinic today. Eliminate the bats in your cave and free your significant other. You’ll be glad you did.”

Gang, you’re on. My dad is going to tow the car to our core business and see how much we can sell to Jasper Engines. They always need used parts.

 

“Hello, I’m Spud Witherspoon. My hearing went tone-deaf after The Pirate Network blew a load at Marty Moon. I got a settlement with TPN after I lost my job on the Milford & Oakwood Express as a conductor because my hearing went all to Hades. One day, the train almost collided with a Union Pacific because I couldn’t hear the train whistle, signalling take-off. I had to call The Shark. Now, I’m a new man after TPN paid for my Beltone and I got my job back after 6 months. No more landing the M & O on Gil’s back patio. And my lost wages paid for my son’s scholarship to Powell College, the same school Gil wussed out on.”

“You heard the man. If you’ve been injured in an accident, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS to get your share of the pie. One call, THAT’S All.”

 

Heard somewhere at the Milford Mall

“How ’bout the owner of the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club?”

“Negative. He was at the Milford Convention Center for the Billy Graham Crusade.”

April 26, 2018

Les Expos(ition) sont là

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Hope y’all like exposition ’cause today’s strip is nothing but.

I guess the Padillas are going to stick around in Milford for the rest of the school year. It may be interesting to see what magical baseball skills Jorge’s endowed with*, and whether Marty Moon will make on-air comparison between him and one of baseball’s Puerto Rican greats.

Paul Beaudry finally gets a face, and it’s Amy Lange’s. Speaking of faces, we haven’t seen Barry Bader’s since the end of the spring/summer 2016 arc. We only saw him in profile and at a distance last season. Wonder if he’ll stay on model?

Help me out with the English grammar in P3, please: Is Carrie describing the Del Bader/Boo Radley/unidentified pickup truck driver who dropped a CD incident correctly? Or does that read like Father Bader killed a girl who was driving drunk?

*Remember, he’s already had a cup of coffee with the Nats. On that topic, the inspiration for the post title:

 

April 25, 2018

Doing It Wrong, Unfortunately

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P1: No offense to his real world namesake intended, but I did not realize that we were really signing up for another tour with the Secret. Originally, I didn’t mind him too much but now it seems he’s gunning to be another Milford High huckster with this launch angle foolishness. How a calculator would figure into his scheme is beyond me.

P2: Nothing like sitting around talking about what people said for excitement and adventure. Are the two young women in back having to share a milk shake?

P3: Is there some sort of corollary to the Bechdel test where the female characters just sit there and watch the male characters talk? I know we keep hammering on that point but, c’mon, Whigrub didn’t even give them their own drinks nevermind dialogue. Regardless, I like that Freckles here answers the question of what is Barry’s story by telling Spike McWidow’s Peak* about his story and not, oh say, the story iteself. Oh well, tune in tomorrow when we revisit one of the more distasteful story arcs in some time.

* Wait, I just realized that’s supposed to be Jorge…

January 27, 2018

6 panels later we’re still playin

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Mimi Thorp, The Bucket — robmize2013 @ 4:26 pm

Sorry bout my lack of stripping yesterday, had an event in the evening and just decided if it doesnt get done today I’ll do 2 tomorrow. And presto! We’re still playing this game. Hope it didnt kill anyone to have a TWIM holiday.

Apparently Paloma thinks shes being picked on, or singled out, just because shes from another country. How the hell does the ref know all this? All he knows is hes on loan from Foot Locker and is losing fingers as fast as Paloma is making him use them.

Her teammate has to give her advice on the court, as her sit down with Mimi didnt produce the desired cooling down effect that coaches will use for a hot (emotionally) player. You know, you get what you deserve in life – – throw an unknown player in there at the last minute just because shes taller then everyone else, but obviously doesnt have either the brains to match her brawn, or has such an attitude about her lot in life that its manifesting itself on the basketball court. Again, its only her first game right? The way this strip drags stuff out, every little issue seems like an iceberg to the Titanic. Give her a few games and see how shes doing; of course by then it’ll be June, but thats life in this part of the world.

Assuming Gils man Primo is a-ok, I guess the girls team gets the lions share of the coverage this season. Fine by me.

 

January 18, 2018

“They Actually Asked Me if I Wanted a Hot Apple Pie With My Order.”

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Dad, if you’re reading this, thanks for egging me on. I was scared clueless but you always navigate the storms with the best of them. Love you, Big Guy.

Not that my mom (happy birthday, yesterday, Mom) and my sister didn’t figure into things. They certainly gave me incentive to pull this one off. Love you too.

This is the Dean Koontz novel that was never published, stored under his high school yearbooks in the attic. You know, Ernest P. Worrell’s thought process arose from the grave of anonymous cemetery somewhere in Nashville, leaving the body of the aforementioned to rot eternally in the ground (“Ernest P. Worrell burns in Hell along with Carrie White”) and assumed the body of Frito Bandito through the means of telekinesis. His sister, spending more time absorbing culture shock at The Bucket than developing her postup skills (they do have gymnasiums available in case you change your mind), was worried sick about him since one day, while taking her home from school, he said to her “Yo quiero Taco Bell. Tengo mucho hambre. Ya wanna go in the dining area or the drive-thru, Vern? Do ya think my F-150 with them mud-caked monster wheels will clear the bar?”

In P1, Ward Cleaver is having one of those heart-to-heart talks every father has with his son. Here was the gist of the warm words doled out “Beaver, I already have Eddie Haskell at the point and Lumpy Rutherford will play the 2 guard while Lurch will anchor things down low. But don’t worry, if Eddie or Lumpy are caught not hustling, you’re comin’ off the bench.”

And you’re not fooling me, Thorpiverse. Gil and Jorge missed the ferry across the river Styx to Hades, Charon running behind, although said mythological figure managed to transport Ernest P. and Carrie in a reasonable amount of time. So Gil and Jorge are returning from the Shadow of Death. Perhaps another time.

In P3, it gets about as ridiculous as you can imagine. Many countries, Third World countries included, have been bitten by the Americana bug and are liberally sprinkled with McDonald’s, KFC, Pizza Hut, Wal-Mart, etc. Maybe 30-40 years ago, America was kept at a distance but now I have yet to read an article in the paper discussing some Third World dictator executing political prisoners on the charges of devouring one Big Mac too many. And what makes it worse, Puerto Rico is a Commonwealth of the U. S. Not that I approve of what’s going on (I don’t) but Puerto Rico has also arguably been one of the forerunners of soaking in American culture.

Oooook, so that said, if ya git Church’s Fried Chicken 3-Piece (2 breasts, 1 wing) Extra-Greasy Combo with mashed potatas ‘n’ okra, both stuffed in them microscopic styrofoam cups and ya have a bunch of ’em stored in 5 feet x 5 feet crates shipped from the ports of San Juan straight to a space in yore garage next to the power riding mower, ya might be a redneck.

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer:

“UFO Spotted in the Milford Gymnasium!!!!!!”

“Officials Later Confirmed That Someone Was Practicing His 3-Point Shooting.”

Yesterday’s headline from the Milford Enquirer:

“Gil Claims to Have Seen Elvis!!!!!!!!!!”

“I Told Him I Needed A Note From His Parents and His Physical Had to Be Turned in by Friday.”

Gang, you’ve been super all week. The comments were electric and I wish I could address ’em all because they were FUNNY and/or THOUGHT-PROVOKING. It’s your turn, Ladies & Gentlemen. What’s on your mind?

 

October 12, 2017

The Best Singer (Or So We’re Told)

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So this is the song Rick Soto purportedly just sang*. I’m sure today’s strip just gave it dozens more hits on YouTube.

In true Rubin fashion we never get to read the lyrics coming from Rick’s mouth. Another tease, just like the tease that we may finally know the lyrics to Milford High’s fight song (and there were some good stabs at it in yesterday’s comments). Just another reminder of the weird pacing of this strip, in which the Mudlarks have played one game while high schools in the real world have mostly played at least six or seven.

In true Whigham fashion we get a Milford girl festooned with chunky bracelets and big earrings in the way no teenage girl accessorizes today. We also get Rick’s unnaturally flat palms facing the speaker in best back off ease up fashion, another Whigham hallmark. Finally, from the Pantheon of Hair Department it’s sideburns: Rick’s oddly shaggy ones and Pelwecki’s greasy strands that threaten to clump together as sideburns.

Wait – did someone mention the dozens? Maybe it’s time for a game.

“Pelwecki’s hair is so greasy, he could fry chicken in it.”

“Uncle Gary’s such a crap lawyer he’s trying to hitch a ride on his nephew’s back as an agent.”

*Were you as disappointed as I was that it wasn’t a George Harrison cover? If so, this should help you get over it.

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