This Week in Milford

January 28, 2020

Hey, Mudlarks, Didn’t Make The Team But I Can Make This Transistor Radio Fart In 3 Languages.

012820

Teddy, to paraphrase the famous George Carlin album, with that cheap appliance you have in your possession that you purchased at Milford Antique Mall, it’s no mystery why you DID get the last girl at the school dance.

And don’t misunderstand me, nobody enjoyed school pranks more than I did. When I was taking German in my sophomore year in high school, we had a teacher, Mr. Stieler (like Pittsburgh Steelers) , who had an annoying habit of pulling down this map of Germany whenever the lesson brought up a place within the boundaries of the country (or Austria or Switzerland or Liecthenstein or Luxembourg or Alsace-Lorain, etc.) . Oberammergau, Neuschwanstein, Ludwigshafen, Garmischpartenkirchen, you name it, Mr. Stieler yanked it down and zeroed in on the location as if he’d been there last week to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread.

Well, some students put up a poster of Farrah Fawcett-Majors (’70’s, mind you) , and taped it over the map so the next time we approached the chapter discussing Frankfurt-am-Main, naturally and as if on cue, Mr. Stieler headed to the map and rattled off what an El Dorado that Frankfurt-am-Main was, that it should be your next vacation for the whole family, according to the AAA Travelogue, pulled down the map while singing the praises of Frankfurt-am-Main (O Victory in Frankfurt, my Savior forever…”) , and got the surprise of his life.

So if you’re going to be the class clown, Teddy, will you please frequent Best Buy or Radio Shack for all your classroom prank needs? Going to yard sales for electronic equipment that subsequently serves as a fly in the ointment for your adversary, let alone the teacher, really won’t cut it. Farting out Schleswig-Holstein in Japanese on your cheap Rural King translator while Schuring is doing a linear equation on the blackboard? Yeah buddy. Or maybe employing a used toaster to pop up Great Value waffles while Schuring is doing a book report on the Gettysburg Address. Hold that tiger.

George Wallace, the black comedian, not the famous ex-Governor of Alabama, and one of my favorite comedians, said it best once

“Answer me this, why do you whites have yard sales the next day after you’ve gotten drunk the night before on Friday night? And I’ll answer your question, yeah, when we honk, we all know each other.”

Teddy, therefore, why do you ATTEND yard sales to get trinkets that are meant to be a pain in the butt? Use your Visa card next time. Plenty of annoying contraptions that can also cut up Julienne fries.

 

Because I get a sneakin’ suspicion Mimi was impulse-buying when she purchased “Captain Kangaroo’s Fun Steps to a Better Basketball Player” from the candy bar rack

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Sales Are Shooting Through The Roof Over The Latest Edition To The Non-Fiction Aisle At Milford IGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mimi Thorp: ‘We can teach our Feeder Leagues that if Grandfather Clock can make a free throw with the proper follow-through, anyone can.”

 

Not really sure why DeMarco is at The Bucket with his new toy. Like The Joker or The Penguin use The Bucket as HIS hideout. I suppose everyone has to have a place to touch base with when you’re either passing gas from that Brewmaster Instant Coffee machine or robbing the Milford 7-11.

“And when Schuring says ‘Four score and seven years ago, I’ll just nab the moment with my Close ‘n’ Play!!!!!!!!!!!! Still got your vinyl Alice Cooper’s ‘Love it to Death’?”

 

And then there’s the Wonderblender angle on this whole shebang. Anybody who watched Fernwood 2 Night knows of what I speak. Lou Moffett, a reputed consumer advocate playing the role of consumer watchdog against consumer rip-offs, wound up being guilty of his own Close ‘n’ Play.

And it is totally comical to observe Teddy display the calculator with…what? The speaker emanating from a miniaturized version of The Jetsons’ computer?

“Hey, Mr. Wonderblender computer, I know you can slice and dice and make a cherry smoothie out of Gil Thorp’s Pure Pork Sausage Decaf but what are the chances of my making the team?”

“The ppppprrrrobbbbbabbbbilllittyyyy weighs 2,567,390 pppppoooouuunnnndddssss.”

Teddy, encountering the same problem George Jetson came across when George was asking if he had the winning lottery ticket from Milford 7-11’s location on Deneb, trying to decipher a computer speaking with ping pong balls crammed in its mouth

“Okay, but what’s that got to do with my making the team?”

“Fffffffaaaatttttt chhhhhhaaannnnnnccccceeeee.”

If ya go ta the town square and git all the jars of hog chitlins from one table and duct tape from another table and baggy sweat pants from a third table cuz ya got ta have breakfast, ya got ta repair the toilet seat again and ya gotta have somethin’ a wear ta yore daughter’s graduation, in that order, ya might be a redneck.

 

“If you’re as appalled as I am by all the Veggie-matics and mixers that say that they can make cucumber salad out of collared greens and still disrupt Schuring’s recital of the Bill of Rights by memory, let me tell you, the Won-dah Blen-dah here can shred turnips to size and make a nice tuna casserole and put ol’ I-can’t-shoot-in-the-clutch-much-less-bake-cookies-in-the-Set-it-and-Forget-It-Amana-Range out to pasture. Just a matter of pushing the right buttons, sure.”

 

“And fellow stooge, this walkie-talkie/phone bug even recorded who shot Coach Shaw. The salesman at Costco cut me in on a discount. Just insert the AAAA batteries and we’ll know soon enough and collect our reward. Press ‘play’…”

“Bond, is that you? This is M. Report to headquarters immediately. Don’t even check in with Miss Moneypenny. We caught Blofeld’s trail over by Mudlark Lake Dam.”

 

Gang, I’m not even gonna try to wonder how Teddy got that scuzz on his face. Is Thorpiverse trying to send us a message? It’s a lousy one if it’s trying to make Joe Cool out of a face in dire need of Barbasol. Hoo boy, did this backfire.

He may have been obnoxious, crass, ill-mannered, insensitive, impolite, devious, unorganized, smelly, rancorous, but at least Gil shaved. So did Teddy. They both can’t coach but that’s another story.

 

“Folks, I just get furious when I see how expensive shaving apparatuses can be. It’s like Gillette and Norelco could care less about the average Joe and his financial liabilities, am I right, you bet.  When you are so concerned that you’ll get your car repossessed by Milford Federal Credit Union that you cannot afford a disposable blade, it’s time to take action, sure.

That’s why I am proud to present the Gilco Shave-a-Matic. It shaves better than all the leading brands combined, local shaving kits included. You can’t hide from us, shaving company that does a number on Marty’s goatee. Take Teddy in P2, sure. Doesn’t he look like he’s been shaving with the Won-dah Blen-dah? I think so, you bet. But get those rotor blades spinning at the proper angles with plenty of Canadian snake root spread all over his face and be sure the appliance is plugged in and no more fuzz like Gil had the first day of Basic in the Marines. And I promise you, for the same price as that toy graphing calculator that Teddy is touting in P2, his face can shine like his derriere after he wiped with Bounty, sure.”

 

The Bucket would have you think that’s where Teddy and his henchman are plotting Chris’ demise with their amazing technicolor machines. But Xanadu and the rest of the Electric Light Orchestra with Olivia Newton-John on a roller-skating assignment at the drive-in area seems more feasible.

And what’s worse, I have found 2 hairstyles worse than Coach Thorp’s. One is based upon a painting of IGA Ramen Noodles Teddy’s buddy spotted at a studio being oil-painted (so THAT’S what those naked ladies were eating in “Luncheon on the Grass”) for the Milford Chautauqua Fair and the other is Jimmy Dean with a mohawk. Rebel without a cause but with a walkman that can pass gas. Never thought I’d see the day.

 

“Doesn’t this plot stink out Teddy’s hairdo? You bet. Why I’ve heard people complaining that Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids could conjure up storylines better than this watered-down Father Brown mystery, sure. That’s why when you put eggs, cherry bombs, Mimi’s Waldorf salad, refried beans, kelp, orange juice, Gil’s medicated anti-frizzy shampoo, and Gerber’s Peeled Carrots into the Won-dah Blen-dah, turn the function to “mince”, you’ll have a plot ready to eat in no time flat. Just trim the fat, cut out all the bullshit, and drain the kelp, sure. Presto, dinner is served.

 

“No, Jerry, the stork did not deliver a Wonderblender to your house after you were born. I’m sure your mom did OK with those GE formula warmers. And we’ll be back after these messages.”

 

“Folks, are you having trouble keeping under budget every week? Does the grocery bill last longer sometimes than a triple-overtime game? Wouldn’t you like a little relief?

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. The good people at the Warehouse understand that. After all, they don’t shop only at The Warehouse. They gotta get groceries too.

That’s why they are pleased to announce the Love for Liquor, Food for Free campaign. This week, a purchase of your favorite beers and wines will earn you a voucher for $25 of groceries. That’s right, if you purchase 1.75 ml of Maker’s Mark Whiskey for the unbeatable price of $42.99, you’ll walk away with some serious goodies. Boy, some whiskey and Captain Crunch is welcome at my breakfast table anytime.

But then some of you more discriminating connoisseurs might like Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc for $13.44 to go along with your London broil on the grill, topped by Heinz 57. Hey, whatever yanks your crank. Add some corn on the cob and you make it a meal.

For those of you who like to party to the max, we got ya covered. Imagine, some Bud Light 24-pack and some Betty Crocker Lemon Cake after a plateful of popcorn shrimp and Spaghetti O’s. At $14.99, doesn’t free groceries sound romantic? Looking through my beer mug of love sounds too good to be true.

And for every New Amsterdam Vodka you purchase, you’ll get a Wonderblender as a free gift and our way of thanking you for making The Warehouse the Beverage of Choice. Just think of all the vegetables you can stick into the blender, apples, oranges, mangos, grapes, avocados, and cranberries, saving the Vodka for last. Turn on the blender, watch it spin ’round and ’round, and you got a recipe for success fit for a king.

Come in and spin your own bottle and walk with a blender and money you saved by shopping at The Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

 

Thanks for your patience. I’ve been trying to fix this calculator all day. I finally got the trig functions to work.

With all the views so far, you people are kinder than I have a right to expect. You people keep me going even when I’m cussin’ and fussin’ with the machines (ha) . You all keep the site going. I am truly humbled and blessed by all the TWIMers. YOU’RE the ones crucifying Gil (ha ha) . May God bless you all and thanks again for your eternal patience.

 

“Mimi, come to bed.”

“Just a minute, Gil, I want to see how Mr. Moose slides his feet on defense. I think it’s a key concept I can teach the ladies.”

 

 

 

“…and in this great nation of ours, I have never seen anyone more incompetent to coach the girls team. Seen better coaches from Aunt Bea, you bet. And look at that hair. Why if that’s not a model for matting to fill the gerbil cage, I’m Neil Armstrong, sure. Well, Fernwood, I can’t teach Mimi how to call a time out but with Miracle-Moptop, fuzzy hair while you’re whapping your player’s ass with your basketball program is a thing of the past. Just set the mode to “gel” and-bonzai-no more tears and no more scarecrow hair. Boy, bet Mimi would love to call out a give-and-go with her hair follicles hanging like ornaments on a Christmas tree, you bet. And if you set it to “extra gel”, her hair will be pasted to her cochlea while the team is staging a furious rally. Sounds exciting, doesnt it, sure…”

 

And to round out George Carlin one more time

Remember

You can Gil your finger but don’t finger your Gil

 

January 27, 2020

Bucket Planning Sesh

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Mimi Thorp, The Bucket — nedryerson @ 8:03 am

01272020

The Thorps are still contemplating Alexa Watson’s shooting aversion. I get the feeling that Mimi is going to be contemplating this long after Alexa has graduated. She’ll be analyzing stats, wondering why Alexa Watson doesn’t want the ball. The glaringly obvious answer probably lies in her 18% shooting, but that doesn’t tell the whole story! What is Mimi missing? What can she do differently? Should she design special drills in practice to force Alexa into shooting situations and watch the morale of the team fizzle as balls go clanging off the iron while the players get sick of the futility of it all?

I think I’ve probably already said all of this, but how did Alexa end up on the basketball team? What did Mimi see in tryouts and/or practice that led her to believe that Alexa would eventually blossom into an offensive force?  How long has Mimi been clinging to this opinion and when will she finally drop it and look for offense elsewhere? Can Gil, with his vast experience in coaching and molding kids into athletes maybe help Mimi move on? No, I think he wandered out of the room because he’s as bored with all this as I am.

Look who decided to pop back into the story. It’s Teddy DeMarco, the wiseass who has it out for Chris Schuring. (We don’t know why, naturally. It’s just how things are.) Teddy has been biding his time in the “messing with Chris Schuring” department, but it looks like he’s got some activity planned. Maybe the next time Teddy sees Chris in the hallway, he’ll say, “Hey Chris, what are you, the Alexa Watson of the boy’s basketball team?” or something equally banal.

Teddy might have to deal with hip dysplasia first.

December 17, 2019

Watson, Come Here Into The Gym, We Need You To Play Basketball

121719

A few years ago, Lester Holt was interviewing a lawyer involved in a controversial case somewhere in rural North Carolina. I can’t remember the exact details but if you’ll allow me to improvise, it was concerning some business or radio station that was defending its Constitutional rights when comments laced with profanity was published or said on the air.

When Holt asked the lawyer about the crux of the case, the lawyer proceeded to quote what he and his plaintiffs were complaining about, bearing in mind this was NOT the defendant’s lawyer

“…and we are objecting to ‘Up shit creek’ or ‘I want to fuck you blind’ or ‘Gil couldn’t coach out of a douchebag’…”

And FINALLY Holt mercifully interrupted the lawyer, since this was on an NBC News Magazine and therefore national news, by saying

ALL RIGHT WE GET THE POINT WE DON’T NEED THIS BARRAGE OF PROFANITY ON NATIONAL TV THERE ARE KIDS WATCHING THIS SHOW

Holt afterwards apologized profusely for what arguably wasn’t necessary to quote on TV, especially because again this was the same lawyer fighting AGAINST what he himself was guilty of and was fighting, i.e., the usage of inappropriate language to drive home the issue.

And Thorpiverse

WE GET THE JOKE. IT MIGHT HAVE TAKEN ANOTHER 3-PANEL SET TO CATCH IT BUT WE HAVE A FIRM GRASP ON THE HUMOR WE DON’T NEED TO SKIP OVER GIRLS BASKETBALL LIKE WE DID LAST YEAR AND PICK UP WHERE LEFT OFF AND TRY TO GET CREATIVE WITH WATSON COMEDY AT THE BUCKET

They don’t have homework? Richie and Ralph and Potsie and The Fonz sit around at Al’s and conjure up new ways to express themselves about Richie Cunningham’s dad?

The Foghorn Leghorn approach

“Oh, say, can you C, Mr. C.?”

“That’s a funny, Dad.”

 

 

“Oh, Howard, you spilled your fruit punch all over your pants. Let me get you a Bounty.”

“Marion, I’m fine. I’ll just throw them in the wash later…”

“Aaaaayyyyyyy, Mr. C., I wouldn’t let that Hi-C settle on you, Mr.C. You’ll have a sea full of Vitamin C Hi-C all over Mr.C., see?”

“Eat the rest of your peas, Arthur. Here, Howard, here’s a Kleenex.”

 

Gang, if we have to have several more panels of Hee Haw, we’re in trouble

“Man, Roy, I can’t find those county corn yield reports anywhere. Can you help me look?”

“They ain’t come out of Lulu the Supercomputer’s mouth yet, Buck.”

Archie Campebell steps in

“That’s all right. Heck, Lulu’s so fat, they have to perform a Lamaze procedure when she’s spitting printouts.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Alexa, is that you

I hope that football’s finally through

Basketball could be in view

I can pray

Hard to say

There’s only one thing that there’s left to play

Tip-off might be any day

 

We gotta get you a ballgame

It’s the only thing to show that this plot is alive

We gotta get you a ballgame

You better quit walkin’

They call that stuff Traveling

 

Because I’m amused because I saw a sign on a grocery store advising customers to

PLEASE DON’T PARK IN FRONT OF THE STORE

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Local Resident Fined Severely For Double-Parking At Milford IGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Shaw: ‘I was just getting eggs for my wife. And that Iams Beef a-Plenty 15-lb. bag for my huntin’ dog was hard on my back.'”

 

Let me get the obvious out of the way in P1. The girls are actually drawn pretty darn well and Phoebe is a cutie in that scene.

Then we get to her burger. Oh my.

Unless The Bucket is marketing Art Nouveau Leaning Towers of Pisa disguised as an overloaded Big Mac with one pickle and onion too many, I think I’ll order the Bucket Full o’ Pasta. C’mon, I’m still utilizing the Italian language.

I could go to a Milford Zoning Board meeting with that structure and make my case for a high-rise condo unit on a vacant lot in Downtown Milford. Drainage shouldn’t be a problem with that thing, just set that Tower of Babel at a perpendicular and the grease is as good as gone. I’ll get approved at next month’s meeting, unanimously.

Now I delve into the not-so-obvious. This one will have to be broken down if we’re to build the logic back up.

And what better way to dive into deductive reasoning than to transpose what’s being said in P1 to Pop’s Choklit Shoppe where Archie and Veronica are sitting in a booth.

“Oh, Archiekins, I am buying the Popsburger Combo with Extra Buffalo Fries and a side order of Onion Rings and Pop’s Veggie Lasagna because Daddy ran over Jughead in his Lamborghini.”

“Did they get Mr. Lodge for a DUI?”

“Now you know Daddy doesn’t drink and drive, Love.”

“That’s true. You still want to go to the drive-in movie. We can go right after Jughead’s funeral.”

“Oh, Archiekins, you say the sweetest things.”

 

If yore computer is nicknamed “Bubba” because it’s the only computer on the planet that gives ya printouts while its butt’s hangin’ out, sportin’ more pimples in its crack than a teenager, ya might be a redneck.

 

Talking ’bout Thorp, he’s so under the gun

This plot is stupid, not a lot of fun

Let’s hope that basketball won’t be shunned

And then we’ll take some time to get your stuff together

GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER

Cuz, we gotta get you a ballgame…

 

But enjoy the generic School Cafeteria Burger, Alexa. All students get a free one everytime someone calls him or her HAL.

“Would you mind passing the mustard, Dave?”

 

 

“Will Archie Andrews and Moose Mason use hedge clippers to pare the rest of Mr. T.’s grandson’s head? Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion here on WDIG-TV.”

 

Because I’m in eternal wonder over these ED ads advising a person to throw away his old dick pills

 

At Mudlark Lake Resort one Autumn afternoon

 

THESE GODDAM PILLS AREN’T GETTING ME ANY HARDER THAN MARTY’S HEAD!!!!!!!!!!! THIS NAXIUM IS WORTHLESS. THE PHARMACIST SAID IT WOULD TAKE CARE OF MY HEARTBURN AND MY ED PROBLEMS. I’M FLUSHIN’ THESE SUCKERS-

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

YEAH?

“Daddy, I gotta go #2 bad. My Underoos are stinky already.”

“Hold on, Jaime. Daddy has to unload some garbage and this can’t wait THAT’S THE LAST TIME I LISTEN TO THOSE ASSHOLES AT MILFORD APOTHECARY. THEY SAID MY WIENER WOULD TURN TO STONE AFTER I USED MIRALAX. I CAN SHIT LIKE A RHINO BUT MY WIENIE’S STILL A WIENIE-

Mimi approaches

“Gil, you OK? They can hear you from the other side of the lake. I could hear you cuss at the boat ramp over the Evinrude motor and that thing was louder than a Who concert.”

“I’m sorry, Honey, but I got to flush my troubles down the drain. The Pharmacy Grad Student at Milford Community College said the Children’s Mucinex Nightshift Relief would cause my thingamabob to be stiff enough to hang a flag on. Snot’s runnin’ out of it more than blood’s flowin’ into it. I’m flushin’ this across the Charon.”

“Gil, you’re in an outhouse.”

“Mimi, I couldn’t care less if I’m in the penthouse. When I use my Mudlark Visa Gold to buy Milford Apothecary Ibuprofen, I expect to dominate my women like Thor shootin’ one out of the sky.”

“Gil, I have a better idea. Why don’t you try one of the EREC-STYLE 9800 that I stuffed in your stuffing and consider it a pre-Christmas gift? It works better than Coricidin or Vick’s VapoRub.”

“HEY THAT’S IT. LET ME RUB SOME ON MY OSCAR MEYER WIENER AND YOU WILL TRULY BE IN LOVE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Maybe so, but in the meantime, you’ll have to clean the poopie off the jungle gym. Jaime just had an accident.”

 

“Why go through all that frustration when I could have used EREC-STYLE 9800, sold exclusively at Milford Men’s Clinic. No more throwing Aleve or Bayer in the dumpster for Milford Sanitary Solutions to pick up. I am not only having the time of my life, but the bathroom is free for my kids when they’ve eaten one chimichanga too many at Milford Taco Bell. Come get your fun at the Clinic and leave Garbage Day for your canteloupe rinds. You’ll be glad you did.”

 

Thanks to Cooper Stewart of Louisville, Kentucky for help with the above idea. Cooper works hard and his raw sense of humor keeps me going and gives me GREAT ideas. Cooper represents America with his dedication to his job and just by being himself. Don’t ever change, My Man. America needs you.

 

Go at it, Gang. I’m going to court to testify for Mr. Lodge. They say he was guilty of pulling a Gil with his car. I wonder how you get busted just by owning an idle car that plops its butt on the practice field but we do have Due Process, Thank God.

 

And when we’re done with youuuuu

We’ll do it with baseball, too.

 

Thanks for putting up with my love for Todd Rundgren. You’re #1 in my book, Gang.

December 16, 2019

Alexa, What Is The Bechdel Test?

Filed under: basketball, The Bucket — nedryerson @ 7:35 am

12162019.JPG

Hey, look! It’s the girls basketball team, suited up and practicing with basketballs and stuff. It’s great to have a reminder that student athletics are for everyone and that girls can reap the same benefits as boys from participating.  So what are we illustrating today? Teamwork? Character building? No? Oh right, dumb boys like Teddy Demarco amuse themselves with lame, dated gibes about Alexa Watson’s name.

It initially looked like Alexa was trying to rise above the dumb jokes and focus on her path to athletic and academic excellence. But now it looks like maybe Alexa likes the attention or at least she finds it amusing enough to wager with her teammates about it. 

I wonder if she ever threatens any of the boys with bonks on the head.

December 7, 2019

Good Ol’ Blow Top

gt12072019

Mudlarks chowin’ down on sloppy joes
Runnin’ the two-a-day drills
Then Sam Finn passed out and had to go
Whose fault? Sure wasn’t Gil’s
Junior Mudlark tailback Charlie Roh
Had the job in his hat
Got showed up by some old sophomore
That was the end of that
“Blow Top, you’re gonna be
Totin’ the rock for me
Good ol’ Blow Top
Blow Top Chance Macy
Blow Top Chance Macy”
Charlie’s dad tried to derail Blow Top
Diggin’ for bones in his past
The trail he left, they didn’t need a cop
It bit him in the ass
Chance’s fits of rage called “Blow Top”
His backstory is weird
Livin’ with his gram and grandpop
So-called parents? Disappeared
Blow Top, you’re gonna be
Treated by Charlie
Good ol’ Blow Top
Blow Top Chance Macy
Blow Top Chance Macy
Ballard’s in the doghouse with his wife
Didn’t have to make it so hard
Now his credit’s gonna take a dive
Charlie’s got his gold card
“Blow Top, Can’t you see?
Tonight’s tabs are on me!
Good ol’ Blow Top
Let’s hit Ricozzi’s
Let’s hit Ricozzi’s
Let’s hit Ricozzi’s!”
(apologies? No apologies; this song makes me want to throw something sharp)
metapost: Dunno what’s gone wrong with my spacing, or why the YT clip isn’t showing. Maybe it’s time for me to hang it up.
Fixed!* – TimP
* Well, not the line breaks. Not sure what’s going on there. 

December 6, 2019

The green green grass of December

Filed under: actual action, football, hands in the air, Milford Weirdos, The Bucket, Valley Tech — robmize2013 @ 9:56 pm

Whoopee- back to football now that Chet Chit Chat has received his comeuppance, and although the fans in the stands are dressed for near-winter the grass on the gridiron shows no signs of turning brown like every other Midwest-based grass does when the warm air turns cold and the sunlight is much more minimal. Sunlight is very underrated when it comes to grass appearance. In the summer the sun is up  for about 14 – 15 hours a day, plus the light is more direct with its  path starting due east and going directly overhead at noon, providing much more intensity even though its actually farther from the earth in summer then winter. Then it majestically sets due west, taking its time and sqeeezing every bit of its daylight out before dissappearing. Even then its light lingers for a while, and sunset-watching is a fine way to spend a summer evening. By the time its completely dark out, its almost bedtime.

By winter the sun is rising in the southeast, and takes a much more angled approach in the sky as it peaks at just-above- eye level before hurrying down to set in the northwest, its extreme angle explaining why it gets dark so quick this time of year. One minute its broad daylight, then bam- dark. No twilight in December to speak of. I deliver the mail outside in a truck, and believe me, when its 4 o clock I can feel the light just fading away almost immediately and the temperature drop, and my dome light is needed almost every day now. Daylight is our friend these days, because it doesnt stay long.

So the grass feeds off the warm sun and temps, and when those resources dissapate around November,  it loses its green hue and turns brown, preparing itself to survive the cold and dark winter in a frozen ground caused by the much colder night temps; so it can grow again in spring when the warmer air re-awakens its roots. Nature is fun to watch if you pay attention.

So in Milford-land the grass stays green all year round, and the Mudlarks are still celebrating beating tomato cans like Valley Tech, and heading to the Bucket to toast Charlie and Chance for being the 2-headed monster the offense needs in the backfield. Huzzah!!

November 6, 2019

Oh, What a Feeling!

gt11062019

Is Chance trying out for the cheerleading squad or auditioning to sell Toyotas?

I realize I’m dating myself with the latter reference (“Ok Boomer” is the pissy way the kids are saying it this week IIRC). Speaking of pissy, nice shift from pissy-faced to all smiles by old Gildeaux there. You’d think Gil would be having a cow about one of his starters benching himself with a fake injury to give his backup some playing time, but it didn’t faze him that much when True Standish did it for Jarrod Hale a few years back.

Nope, Gil’s just relieved that Chance is staying away from The Bucket, where they have sharp utensils handy. Better Macy and his shadow teammates punch the air harmlessly, another audition to shill old Toyotas…

 

May 17, 2019

And yada yada yada.

Not gettin any better folks… I was not a big Seinfeld fan, but it was very well known as a show about nothing. I saw just enough episodes that I kinda get that. They dont really have a plot, its just a half hour of 4 characters screwing around every which way, and the best part, (for me anyway) was Jerrys comedy bits at the beginning and end of each show, where he’d make some vague connection to the action of the show. I remember one episode where he said ” If you’re watching something on TV, you’re missing something else.” Ever since then when I’d be forced to miss some show or game I would remember Jerrys words, and be comforted that nobody can be everywhere all the time. You do what you can, and everything else takes care of itself.

Well I have lost track of who all  these people are. Linda, David, Nancy, Molly…….I can name the Banana Splits easier then these bozos. .Too many characters in 1 plot who intertwine their nonsense about some abstract concept like TCFS. And maybe Linda and David THINK they did something cool. Thats all that counts. I’m just floored that 17-year-olds spend that much time on such BS. By now my friends would forget about the whole thing and be on to something thats more tangible, like what movie is playing or who the Bears should draft. One time my friend was talking about the foosball game he played the night before. 2 days later I brought it up, and he was like – “You’re still on that foosball”. But 2 days isnt like the weeks-long sludge this has become. Its a plot about nothing, and this time there’s no Jerry Seinfeld around to relieve the boredom.

Older Posts »

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.