This Week in Milford

May 17, 2019

And yada yada yada.

Not gettin any better folks… I was not a big Seinfeld fan, but it was very well known as a show about nothing. I saw just enough episodes that I kinda get that. They dont really have a plot, its just a half hour of 4 characters screwing around every which way, and the best part, (for me anyway) was Jerrys comedy bits at the beginning and end of each show, where he’d make some vague connection to the action of the show. I remember one episode where he said ” If you’re watching something on TV, you’re missing something else.” Ever since then when I’d be forced to miss some show or game I would remember Jerrys words, and be comforted that nobody can be everywhere all the time. You do what you can, and everything else takes care of itself.

Well I have lost track of who all  these people are. Linda, David, Nancy, Molly…….I can name the Banana Splits easier then these bozos. .Too many characters in 1 plot who intertwine their nonsense about some abstract concept like TCFS. And maybe Linda and David THINK they did something cool. Thats all that counts. I’m just floored that 17-year-olds spend that much time on such BS. By now my friends would forget about the whole thing and be on to something thats more tangible, like what movie is playing or who the Bears should draft. One time my friend was talking about the foosball game he played the night before. 2 days later I brought it up, and he was like – “You’re still on that foosball”. But 2 days isnt like the weeks-long sludge this has become. Its a plot about nothing, and this time there’s no Jerry Seinfeld around to relieve the boredom.

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April 8, 2019

Yada Yada Yada…You Gonna Finish Those?

Filed under: actual action, baseball, freak hands, google nonsense, huge earrings, The Bucket — nedryerson @ 3:35 am

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The results of the Linda Carr and David Walter Convention are in. Linda is pooped. Sometimes, saying you were tired is just making an excuse for being a real B without admitting that you’ve been a real B. (Why do I hesitate to refer to a fictional teenage girl as a bitch? How about a shrew? Whatevs.)

Linda is tired. Too many activities, too much homework and those loads of carbs from the Bucket will do that to you. Wow, look at the meaty cleft of her palm. Her chin just sinks in there! Does she even need a glove at short?

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Carbs. The Bucket has them and David Walter, put upon boyfriend will put them away. He runs on carbs. They fire him up!

…and we’re off. Game action. Boys first, naturally. Jay Bhatia has become the opening day starter? He has achieved the goal he set last year. Also, he must have gotten contacts.

What’s this? The Burke Bulldogs are from Charleston, South Carolina, the “Final Destination” of the mysterious Mr. Bakst? Circles in circles, wheels in wheels.

Be sure to try the tasty burgers at SLOPS. SLOPS, our beef will make you see stars.

 

April 6, 2019

In Which Linda Channels Her Inner Pete Seeger

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They say at Milford High School
There are no neutrals there.
You’ll either be a Mudlark girl
Or worn out and pull your hair.

Ya know what’s worse than robmize complaining about the Cubs’ bullpen turning into the Nationals’ bullpen? The Nationals’ bullpen still being the Nationals’ bullpen! But yeah, it’s been some rocky going for our respective teams a week into the season.

Speaking of rocky going, what’s the Vegas line on Linda and David’s relationship lasting through baseball and softball season? Something’s gotta give and odds are it’ll be the dating that goes first. Nobody likes being called a hypocrite even if they are being a hypocrite, so that’s a nail in this relationship’s coffin. I guess one thing Milford has going for it is that it’s not the Canadian universe of For Better or for Worse, in which everyone was doomed to marry their childhood sweethearts. Still, that might’ve given us some hockey action and made the synchronized skating thing a bit less contrived.

December 17, 2018

April Come She Will

Filed under: The Bucket — nedryerson @ 7:27 am

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It took me a while to realize we have a three panel, three location strip today. At first I though Marginal Mike Filion was at The Bucket with Andre Ruffin, which caused much confusion. Referring back to Saturday’s strip, I saw that Panel 1 is a recap of a hallway conversation about Burly Rick Soto’s attempt to eat three Bucket Banana Splits.

You will note that on Saturday, Marginal Mike already indicated that he wasn’t interested in watching Burly Rick pound any old fashioned deserts. So this strip basically just elaborates on that last panel from last week. We are assembled at The Bucket for The Pounding of The Splits and Marginal Mike is home, drifting through a teenage reverie. Oh sure, we could speculate that Mike is doing some pounding of his own since whatever’s going on below the waist in Panel 3 is left to our imagination, but whatever it is he’s doing, he prefers to do alone.

Panel 3 puts me in mind of Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate, laying in his opulent childhood bedroom between bouts of schtupping Mrs. Robinson, staring at the ceiling, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer to a soundtrack of Simon & Garfunkel. Sure Benjamin Braddock had a groovy fish tank and all Mike has is a plywood headboard and I’ll speculate that the Filion’s don’t have a swanky backyard replete with swimming pool and fancy barbeque. This is Milford after all. Owning a home as opposed to living in dumpy apartments is how privilege is defined here.

So, what are the odds that we’re actually going to see Burly Rick Soto’s attempt to eat three banana splits? I think that foreground girl in Panel 2 is looking at us with a face that says, you’re not going to see anybody trying to eat three banana splits, you idiots. You’ve been duped again into thinking something novel might happen only to find focus pulled back to a character with a marginally interesting, slowly unfolding story.

December 15, 2018

Four Mudlarks Make a Bunch and So Do Many More

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Just when you thought we were done with film buffs, Rubin’s got us scrambling to analyze Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. For now I’ll stick with analyzing Four Dorks in Milford.

That’s some super forced perspective on He Who We Think Might Be Bobby Howry (or, at least, He Who Is Wearing The Bobby Howry Suit from Central Casting This Winter).  Either he’s tall enough to be playing basketball or is built like an orangutan.  Someone needs to tell him rock, paper, scissors isn’t one of Milford High’s winter sports. If it was, though, I’m sure it’d get more coverage than Lady Mudlarks basketball.

Speaking of orangutans*: later, at The Bucket, Rick Soto & co. will try to solve the eternal question: Did Bob Marley write “Buffalo Soldier” before, after, or during watching an episode of The Banana Splits Adventure Hour?  Burly Rick didn’t go out for hoops last season; maybe he was still recovering from Post-Uncle Gary Stress Disorder.  Three banana splits will create a lot of mucus, which won’t be good for Rick’s singing voice or when Gil makes him puke them back up running Death Valleys next practice.

Sorry this took so long to post.

* One of the Banana Splits was allegedly an orangutan; the others were allegedly a dog, a lion and an elephant.

December 3, 2018

Remember When You Dig A Hole It’s Two You Gon’ Dig

Filed under: The Bucket, What the hell is going on here? — nedryerson @ 7:37 am

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Surprise! There are at least two more football games to be played.

In today’s installment, Andre Ruffin is committing the classic sports sin of “looking past” the next game in anticipation to a showdown with a rival. In his estimation, the Tilden win is a foregone conclusion. In sports cliché fashion, an upset at the hands of Tilden is all but guaranteed. Of course, this analysis is presented in the utter vacuum of knowledge that is Gil Thorp where we have no idea of the relative strengths and weaknesses of teams in the Valley Conference. Sometimes, Marty or Marjie will pop in to give us a “tale of the tape” synopsis of an upcoming game, but we have none of that. We’ve been busy around here with the film crew.

Speaking of the film crew, I can’t help thinking about Clark and Leonard. Did they not earn a celebratory meal at the bucket with their cinematography and fancy getaway driving? Now that Joe Bolek is in solid with Tiki and Andre, what about Clark and Leonard? Do they have carte blanche to hang out in the Bolek media room and watch all the crap that pretentious Joe won’t allow?

Another point of interest here is Andre’s answer to Tiki about the rivalry with Valley Tech. It’s something that goes back to ’61! If we’re just going to dick around here, how about fleshing that out a bit, Rubin? I don’t have the benefit of a Gil Thorp football treasury or online archive to get the story. For now, the story is “they take cheap shots”. It’s more of the same: Other country clubs outside Milford turn a blind eye to cheating in golf tournaments, New Thayer High harbors violent gangs and Valley Tech are cheap shot artists. We get it.

October 13, 2018

Sister Act

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Thank goodness we don’t have to listen to Kaz pretend to be a film buff to get a kid to play football anymore. That was getting awkward.

Know what else is gonna get awkward real fast? The secondary plot about Tiki Jansen. Besides not being a star and having a ratty orphan car, we didn’t know much about him until last week, when we learned he has “a slow sister problem.”  Rubin left it to interpretation then that Tiki’s sister might have a hard time getting ready for school. Now he drops broad hints that fifth-grader Angela might not be in the regular Milford school system.

How is Rubin gonna tie all these loose ends together?  Maybe Joe Bolek gets together with Tiki and Angela and they watch films of Nate Kaeding together, I dunno. (Nah, that makes no sense; Kaeding was a placekicker, not a punter.)  I shudder to think how this strip is gonna handle IEPs, Least Restrictive Environments, developmental pediatricians and all the baggage that comes with them. On that bright note, Happy Saturday, TWIMers!

September 12, 2018

Frank Gehry’s Fast Food Masterpiece

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If you’re not knocked off balance by panels one and two, in which the architect of The Bucket tells Euclid to piss off, then the shifting narrative and stilted dialogue (plus mystery girl in panel two) shouldn’t present too much more of a challenge to parse.

For myself, I can confess nothing but disappointment that we aren’t getting another chance to continue talking about the shitty cars we drove in high school (and/or are driving presently). As it stands, I suppose we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to understand why these characters are being introduced.

Bonus question: Why is the strip’s date inserted front and center of panel two?

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