This Week in Milford

October 10, 2019

I Never Get Blowtop Mad On The First Date.

Filed under: ?, football, Just plain sad, Pissy faced minor character, shadow figures, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 7:21 am

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Chet and Charlie discuss the game with Chet at full speed singing the praises of Charlie’s game. Charlie takes the high road, thinking of the TEAM first. Don’t that beat all.

Gang, let me first off announce that those of you with kids who play sports or are thinking of playing sports, your career, win, lose, or draw, will go a lot smoother and happier if you encourage your son or daughter to put the TEAM first. He or she will be on more teams that way. You’ve helped your chances anyway.

When I was encouraging my nephew, the Chet’s of this world were the loneliest creatures on the planet. They were in a lawn chair or in the bleachers all by themselves. They were the ones who talked about how their son scored 45 points and the coach sat him on the bench. What Chet WON’T tell you is the team lost, his son allowed his man to torch him for 47 points, and he blew the lay-up that would have won the game. Chet has selective memory.

THEREFORE, don’t do what Chet is doing in P1, in other words. Chet is myopic in relation to Milford Mudlark football. Did he bring his Texas Instrument TI-30 calculator when he computed the average? I don’t know if that one has a slide rule or a metric equivalent. I’m curious to see what his yards per carry efficiency on 3rd downs was in meters. And does it have a graphing function. Chet, you better double-check to see if his stock is rising, literally. If it stalls right about when the linear function crosses the y-graph, I’d worry. Coach might bench him. The first-stringers are always in the first quadrant.

Really, where DID Chet get that info? Okay, the calculator but did he slip a steno pad past the turnstiles and after he put all his coins and handgun in the tray so the metal detector wouldn’t play the Mudlark Fight Song? Chet, as long as you were going to write facts and figures on your pad, write down another figure, when you think of it, of course: The final score.

I understand steno pads at Office Supply sell briskly on that concept.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Leads Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League In Yards Per Catch Clutch Efficiency On Second Down With A 5.4 Greatest Common Factor!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It woulda been higher but some safety ripped my shorts off when he grabbed the flag so they called back my TD run.”

 

Ok, kiddies, we have a special nursery rhyme that beats “3 Blind Mice” and “Jack and Jill” the way Tilden beat Milford, sneak up on you then have a sense of urgency when the script forgot to print the score up until the last 30 seconds

Chet and Charlie

Rode on their Harley

To practice at the football field

 

Gil wasn’t coaching

Kaz went poaching

Chet’s beard had lost its appeal

 

So did his overbearing demeanor but I couldn’t fit that in the nursery rhyme and couldn’t find something that rhymes with “Step-parent needs to get a life.”

 

And don’t get me wrong. Your kid has to have fun and has to enjoy the sport and that has to be the #1 priority. If you win, that goes at the bottom of the list. Sure, losing sucks and winning IS a priority but a BOTTOM priority.

That said, avoid clubhouse lawyers like Chet. Believe me, if your kid is in involved in sports, you’ll run into them. One reason why I think “Ball Four” by Jim Bouton is a waste of time is that he spends a lot of time talking about his individual performance and not about the TEAM performance. Check out the appendix in the back. It is nothing but Jim statistics which is understandable but they’re slanted so that everything’s about Jim and NOT the team. I give every book a chance. This book blew its own because if you want the TEAM to win, you really can’t have the mindset of this book. And Pete Rose, BTW, was not always popular, being a fierce competitor will do that. And a fierce competitor wouldn’t be taking greenies as alleged in the book. I don’t blame ya, Pete, for being upset.

Anyway, encourage your kid to be a TEAM player along with having fun. You might be surprised how many teams he or she makes.

 

I was fascinated by a town in Greece I read about that has survived well before the BC era to the present. Knowing that Agrippina, a public speaker in the 5th century BC who edited Pindaric odes and Aeschylus’ memoirs, came from the same town as members of Buffalo Springfield (or the equivalent, I forgot which)

Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Remains Of Thorpolos And His Playbook, Not To Mention His Exegesis On Plato’s Rough Draft Of ‘The Republic’, Discovered While Milford Toyota Plant Works On Prius Expansion!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford breaks record for differential between 4 B.C., the confirmed birth of Thorpolos, according to the Anthropology Department at Milford CC, and the birth of Gil at 1958. Previous record was Dr. Pearl’s great-aunt born during the Second Crusade.”

 

Nice to see Charlie Roh doing his best Lyle Lovett impersonation. And Lyle is really the one who is the voice of reason in the present discussion. I always admired (and still do) players who take responsibility for the loss because when you lose, you ALWAYS look inward. It doesn’t do any good to play the blame game at anyone else. In sports, GOOD drives out BAD (believe me) and if you’re winning, politics does not play an overriding factor. Sure, a player’s parent may hate your guts because you’re a Cub fan (couldn’t resist, Robmize) but if people want to win, the politics are normally kept to a minimum.

Okay, that out of the way, Lyle is, take your pick,  transmogrifying into the pupal stages of The Incredible Hulk, is beset with a bad case of zits from all those Snickers he snarfed before the game, or this is a continuation of the Night Gallery segment, “Caterpillar”, and the eggs have escaped the sufferer’s ear and are currently crawling all over his face. Now some of you faint-hearted wussies are steering the easy way out by saying that Charlie, or Lyle in disguise at the Grand Ole Opry, is sweating. C’mon, in THORPIVERSE??? When was the last time sweat actually looked like sweat or they drew those players in the background so we’re not engaged in another episode of “Creature from the Black Lagoon? I bet once those shadowy lizards remove their helmets, they’ll be afflicted with baby caterpillars on their faces too.

And you can’t cheat and say that that’s Minnie Pearl with Milford Cold Cream all over her face to remove the creeping warts that are engaged in a parasite-host relationship. Charlie’s a guy, remember?

 

Chet fed Charlie

A whole lotta barley

To boost his running game

 

Charlie met trouble

When he farted in bubbles

Now his bowels won’t be the same

 

Now we get to the clinical portion of the strip. Grandpa (we think) Macy is trying to imitate Dr. Phil by spouting out terms he learned the other day watching the show while dipping his Milford IGA Restaurant Chips into the IGA Tostitos Salsa Dip.

What the Hell does he mean by “situationally mad”? “Blowtop mad”? Like us readers are supposed to know the difference. Sure, Grandpa, if Chance racks the guy’s nuts, it was because he was situationally mad because the situation, as in baseball, called for the aforementioned action because the Tilden jerk called Chance’s mom all kinds of names, unprintable on this Christian website. If the Tilden jerk said something about Gil’s mom and said she raised him to be an incompetent coach who couldn’t find the end zone even with a AAA Travelogue, well, it’s probably true but THAT’S when you get blowtop mad and blow the Tilden player’s head off with a bazooka. Gotta stick together against the enemy.

Gang, aren’t you getting situationally mad at the one-size-fits-all artwork in relation to Grandma Macy (don’t hold your breath on that one) ? The other day she was Mary Tyler Moore who was married to Rob Petrie. He couldn’t trip over the ottoman because Gil was desperate and had to use it as a blocking dummy. School budget cutbacks, y’know. Anyway, MTM got her glasses courtesy of the Buy One Get The Second One 1/2 Price (Canadian dollars accepted) . Today, she’s the female member of Fairport Convention. Yeah, groovy,  man, #53 is way out, like in Mudlarkland. A real square. Don’t let him upset you, Chance. Instant karma will run his ass over. Just look what that semi did to Booby’s friend. Booby got his.

And I think it is the neatest trick in the book for Grandpa Jones/Walton/Macy to throw his voice and let his forehead to do all the talking. The Tilden Jerk couldn’t do that out of his butt and not use Charmin. Pity.

 

If ya git pig doo-doo all over yore face cuz ya won first prize at the Hog-Callin’ portion of the Milford County Fair Pig Exhibit Expo ’19 cuz yore voice proved ta be a little too irresistable ta Miz Piggy and the rest of her Yorkshire clan, ya might be a redneck.

 

“My God, Fred!!!!!!!!!!!! Aunt Ethyl’s got a spheroid lodged in her skull!!!!!!!!! And who’s that giant out there walking off with Uncle Morton in his casket?”

“Hell with Uncle Morton!!!!!!!!! He owed me money anyway!!!!!!!!! Call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Folks, it was a Nightmare on Elm Street until I called The Shark. Then It Was a Wonderful Life. George Bailey had real money coming in and he didn’t have to rely on angels or the Milford Civitan Club to wheel it in. We could lower our aunt and uncle 6 feet under, knowing we had money in our pockets. Joe even paid for the funeral programs at Milford Funeral Solutions. What a swell guy.”

“You heard it from Fred Snerdley. When creepy people who should not be ordering Bucket Shish Kabob from the menu, let alone walking the streets of Milford toting Gil’s grandfather, it is time to act. Tall Man may have thrown one spheroid missile too many at the Tilden Jerk, but decent people like Fred Snerdley need to be justly compensated when the Tall Man barges in on the Nude Swimming Party. Granted, Aunt Ethyl looked unsightly in her birthday suit.  What 93-year-old doesn’t? She still should have been spared the weaponry and I proved that by fighting the insurance companies when Mr. Snerdley made a claim. And the Tall Man will have to loosen his checkbook to the tune of $4, 739, 023, 912. If he can afford to carry corpses around, he’s got the money.”

“I was able to fix the cracks in the pool and clean the blood stains on the diving board. And I can put away some for my grandkids to attend Milford Community College. My grandson wants to be a sanitation engineer. The rest I put in escrow. Thanks, Shark.”

“Sounds like a happy ending to me. Get your own Flintstones happy ending, where that tuba is really blaring, and call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. Insurance companies are hard at work hauling caskets on the Santa Fe Trail. Don’t let them beat you to Oklahoma. Get the money you deserve so you can play “Home on the Range” on your tuba in the evening. You’ll be glad you did.

 

Time to go to work, Gang. If you need me, I’ll be at the Grand Ole Opry. I want to get there early so I can get a front row seat for the Lyle Lovett concert. I understand Gil is the opening act. I thought his comedy died the way Aunt Ethyl did. Guess not.

 

Chet lectured Charlie

His hair was Bob Marley

But, Chet, my running 4 TD’s settled all bets

 

Better stay humble

You coughed up 2 fumbles

And DAMMIT QUIT CALLING ME CHET

 

At The Bucket drive-in area

“May I (swoooooshhhh) take your (swiiiiiiiiiiishhhhhhh) order?”

CRACKLE

“Uh, yeah, I’ll have the Bucket Triple Cheeseburger, no onions or pickles, an order of fries, and-what do you want?-she’ll have the Bucket Pork Rib Sandwich, extra cayenne, and a Tub o’ Bucket Buffalo Fries-)

“(swwwwoooooooshhhh, crackle crackle) Ya want somethin’ ta drink (swiiiiiiiiiiiisssshhhhhh) ?

CRACKLE

“Yeah, give us-

SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMM

“What’s WRONG”

“What is Coach Thorp doing, climbing out of your trunk!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No idea. Oh, hey, Coach. Sorry about that clipping. Coach Kaz will work on it tomorr-

BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

October 9, 2019

Rock Around the (Poor) Clock (Management)

Filed under: actual action, exposition comics, football, Gil Thorp, Just plain sad, Tilden — teenchy @ 8:36 am

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WDIG Newsflash: This just in: As a gesture to honor the memory of the late Bull Bushka, Milford High to change the nickname of its football team from the Mudlarks to the Scapegoats… Wait, what’s that?… They’re only giving that nickname to their backup running back? Never mind. Back to our regularly scheduled broadcast.

Geez, good thing Rubin remembered to give us the score yesterday, a week and a half into this game. We never saw any scoring plays so how we got to 19-14 is anybody’s guess. We also never saw Gil burn through all of his second half timeouts, or implement the game plan for the second-string running back to get the ball on every play.  He might have had Schuring look a little further downfield on fourth and long, but maybe Charlie saw Gabe Salazar overrule Gil’s play call in the huddle and thought he’d do the same thing.

No matter. Charlie missed it by that much and now that the Tilden game is over, the blame game can begin.

October 7, 2019

…And Then Maybe Show Us

Filed under: actual action, football, Tilden — nedryerson @ 6:59 am

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We are still at Tilden and we must now, once again, see the performance of Charlie Roh from the perspective of overly invested stepfather Chet Ballard. Does panel 3 indicate that Charlie has succeed in carrying the ball or is Chet just congratulating him for getting out on the field?

There are always questions left unanswered. Will we circle back to Chance Macy and why his parents (or grandparents?) expressed some concern when the cheap shots started flying?

I love Chet’s very precisely constructed turtleneck. It reminds me of those Star Fleet uniforms from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

 

October 5, 2019

Steamed Gams

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“I was so steamed, I didn’t even feel it. Those little green pills you gave me before the game helped, too, Mr. Scott.”

Yeah, I couldn’t figure out why Chance’s grandparents were looking up either. I figured from the way his helmet was popping up Rock’em Sock’em Robots style, Chance might’ve started his transformation into The Hulk. Maybe they were transfixed by the sight of Marty Moon rising up from his crate to deliver a benediction. (Mighty nice of Marty’s mom to put a vanity mirror in there; makes it easier for Marty to shave.)

Good thing Chance sprained his ankle. Now Gil won’t make him run bleachers as punishment for retaliating for Tilden’s Bill Romanowski wannabe’s personal foul. Macy will miss next week’s game, either because his sprain won’t have healed in time or because Gil will bench him for the unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. It’ll be interesting to see the role Chance’s anger management problems play in this arc (compared to, oh say, Barry Bader’s).

Looks like Rick Scott didn’t get the memo: this season it’s not “Uh-Oh,” it’s “Rut-Roh!” – and it’s Charlie’s cue to get into the lineup and finish the drill.

 

October 3, 2019

The Bully That Won’t Stay Dead.

Filed under: actual action, football, Just Plain Awesome, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 7:41 am

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Hey, Oh boy, we’re getting into the Friday the 13th version of the plot where Jason Voorhees apparently didn’t learn his lesson and comes out of perdition, Hades, the cemetery, etc., to terrorize the Milford Mudlarks for, oh, another 15 sequels, give or take a throat-slashing of Coach Shaw or Gil’s hair being set ablaze with Match-Lite Fluid and rubbing some sticks (gotta make the terror and torture SLOW, y’know. We oughta know, we’ve been tortured observing that Everly Brothers coif for 60 years) . Doncha just love it when Freddy Krueger kicks the running back in the crotch, the Bruiser from Milford retaliates with a machete to chop off Freddy’s head, the head gets carried off the field on a stretcher, we readers thinking we’ll have FOOTBALL the rest of the game AND the season in general but, nope, Freddy returns in the 4th quarter to stop the game-winning field goal by using an ax to the kicker’s leg?

And where is Gil in all this slash-and-burning? I’ve never been one for terror movies but I know if you want SOMEONE to play the stooge who tries to in vain prevent Jason from running rampant with the knives, that stooge has to be IN THE MOVIE. It’s like Jason given free rein to hacksaw people with no restraints, no resistance. But that’s what’s happening here.

“Gil, you know #53 went after Chance’s nuts?”

“I’m sorry, I just got back from vacation. We’ll talk tomorrow. Those post cards from Cancun are priceless. And wait’ll you see the Mayan ruins. I didn’t know they had microwaves in their civilization.”

Freddy Krueger chopping up the town of Milford with no police to stop him, for 21 sequels? Only in Thorpiverse.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Withstands Onslaught By Freddy Krueger, Uses Bucket Burgers To Satisfy Taste For Gore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I thought it was my landlord at first, but damn, I’m paid on my condo the next 3 months.”

Friday the 13th 17: The Year Jason Arises From The Mausoleum And Actually Starts Coaching!!!!!!!!!”

Girls, I’d be clinging to my boyfriend on this one.

And if it’s not bad enough that this idiot didn’t learn his lesson after being knocked for a loop, Tattoo throws the flag into P1 to signal his disapproval. Oh, I can imagine this Fantasy Island episode

“Mr. Roarke, Chance Macy has just arrived.”

“Very good, Tattoo. Show him to his quarters. I’m sure he will find his stay here most auspicious.”

“Do you still want to use that goal post we smuggled in Milford?”

“Yes, of course. And be careful that our guests do not carelessly look in on the replica of the Mudlark girls gym.”

“Oh, that shouldn’t be a problem, Mr. Roarke. Nobody went to the girls gym anyway. Nobody complained about any action while it was on the island.”

“Very well. Show Chance to the football field. We should have a REAL coach ready to lead him to the path of achievement, an accomplishment that should prove most noteworthy for Mr. Macy.”

“And if Freddy Krueger comes along and chops off Chance’s scalp in the end zone after he scores the game-winning TD, I promise to throw the flag way into Herb Woodley’s house for a late hit.”

“You are most hospitable to our guests, Tattoo.”

 

One day in the Bumstead household

DING DONG

“Dagwood!!!!!!!!!!! Someone’s at the front door!!!!!!!”

Dagwood, arising from his slumber from the couch he bought at Gil’s yard sale last year, heads to the door

“Herb!!!! What can I do for you?”

“Dagwood, is this YOURS?”

 

If ya git fined $500 by the Fish and Wildlife Offi-shul cuz ya sprayed too much buckshot into the 8-point cuz it wuz still kickin’ nd ya had ta violate the rules by shootin’ a couple of arrows when the prey was in someone’s back yard, the deer dyin’ gittin’ doused by the water sprinkler, but ya still ate the critter that night, shotgun shells and all, ya might be a redneck.

 

Now playing this week at Milford MegaCineplex

“Nightmare on Elm Street: The Year Freddy Rips Off Coach Kaz’s Earring And Wears It On His Nose For His Birthday.”

“Friday the 13th 21: Jason Throws The Flag And Decapitates Ms. Rizk While She’s Typing.”

A double feature, yeah, buddy. I understand that there’s Matinee Sunday. Bring your church program and you can watch both of these for the price of one, free bucket of popcorn included, butter extra (gotta make money somewhere, I reckon) . I know I’ll be answering the altar call this Sunday to “Just As I Am” at Milford Interdenominational Fellowship.

Now showing at the Milford VFW Post #56, Ladies Night

“Nightmare on Elm Street: Chance Finally Bludgeons Freddy With His Helmet, Charlie Roh Enters The Game”

We are about to learn about Chance’s past, given the outburst that he is inflicting on The Bully That Recurs Every Full Moon. No doubt, there’s going to be repurcussions of some kind and I wouldn’t be surprised if Roh, indeed, enters the scheme of things. If that’s the case, well, I’ve always wondered what would happen if Roh WASN’T ready while they’re reading the Tilden player’s last rites and puttin’ the cuffs on Chance, not that I blame Chance. 60 years of late hits and saying your mother is in the cell next to Papa Bader CAN build up. Now Chance know what us readers go through. Did you ever get blind-sided by the Gatorade cooler by bad plots?

Anyway

“Roh!!!!!!!!!! You’re in for Macy!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Hold on, Coach!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t find my jock strap. It was laying on the bench SOMEWHERE.”

Or

“Where’s Gil?”

“I dunno. Last I saw him, he was in The Family Circus going to the store to buy Purina for Barfy.”

“That’s Billy’s Dolly’s Jeffy’s P.J.’s job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have a fourth-and-goal situation on the 1-yard line and we need to know whether to send in Roh on short yardage.”

“Hell, Chet took him to Mudlark Lake Refuge to go huntin’.”

Like coach, like player.

Anyway, tune in tomorrow, same Gil channel, same Gil time for the conclusion, or lack thereof, of this Revenge of Norman Bates.

Couldn’t he just have stabbed the Tilden player in the shower? Why wait until the game?

 

Friday the 13th 32: Gil Hacks Jason With A Poulan When Jason Attacks Mimi’s Schedule!!!!

 

“And this time, I think Freddy will leave Chance alone. Freddy is going back to the huddle, licking his wounds. Man, those blades have to be sharp. Time out is called out on the field with the score, Milford 20, Tilden 7. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Have you had trouble recently with Jason coming into your household? Did he skewer Grandma and Grandpa at Thanksgiving? Was Aunt Bertha a replacement for the pig at the Thorp Family Reunion, apple included?

Hello, this is Dr. Pearl for Milford Funeral Solutions and if you’re like me, you worry if Barnabas Collins can break through the coffin and arise out of Milford Generic Cemetery and start feasting at Milford High School Annual Picnic.

Let me put your fears aside as Milford Funeral Solutions has installed the latest technology to deal with any Jason that needs to sleep in the Batesville casket where he belongs. The fine people at MFS have installed Sonitrol Wiring Systems under the reposing arms of the dear departed and securely fastened them to the pillows as extra security to ensure no unnecessary resurrections will transpire and interrupt the Easter Egg Hunt at Milford Day Care. An activation switch, the Hewlett-Packard F1000, is the best in the business and guards against Jason writing his own script and terrorizing once again the streets of Milford.

And with the casket made of solid pin oak that is grown at Milford Nursery, Jason will find himself trapped by the same item that produces acorns for the animals to feed. Doesn’t it give you peace of mind knowing that Jason is up to his derriere in acorn shells and trapped by the same? The lid is then sealed by tungsten handles that only that hideous idiot from ‘Phantasm’ can open. But he’s dead too and won’t be at your next Fourth of July Fireworks Extravaganza.

Let’s face it, when my sister died during the War of the Roses, I didn’t expect for her to come looking for me with a lance. I was not going to be pierced and somebody shouting ‘Vive le Revolution!!!!!!!!’ because the MFS personnel, in conjunction with the Milford Police and Sonitrol, have coordinated efforts to prevent tragic renewals from occuring. Harry Houdini will not choke my grandchildren with a chain before the alarm goes off. Nice to know Starsky and Hutch will be at my house to send Houdini back to his tombstone.

Come see for yourself and see why Milford Funeral Solutions is #1 in customer satisfaction. Freddy Krueger will just have to go terrorize Gilligan’s Island. At Milford Funeral Solutions, the customer is always right and 6 feet under.”

Go for it, Gang. But Ruh Roh, the times, they are a-changin’.

 

LOOK de plane de plane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Tattoo, is that Mr. Thorp and his wife AGAIN???? That’s the 7th trip in the last 6 months. We have to let the sod settle before he can fulfill his fantasy on the gridiron.”

October 2, 2019

Knocked Him Back 11

Filed under: actual action, football, Gil Thorp, Highlight reel, lazy artwork, Tilden — teenchy @ 8:43 am

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Damn, Gabe Salazar hit Tilden #53 so hard he turned the double sixes on his jersey into double fives! (Tearaway numbers, perhaps?) Still that doesn’t stop #53’s jawing; it’s a wonder he can see who he’s jawing at with that helmet slammed down so far over his eyes. Between calling the audible and mouthing off at the opponent, Gil has lost control of Gabe. Usually that results in a benching followed by the Mudlarks quickly packing in their season but hey, this show must go on at least for the remainder of this game.

Any momentum Milford had will soon be swept away when dirty #53 takes a dive at Chance Macy. No doubt Chance will be injured severely enough for Charlie Roh to come off the bench and replace him. No doubt, too, that whatever Charlie does or doesn’t do will be met with some passive-aggressive criticism from chirpy Chet Ballard, who will direct that passive aggression toward Gil. Careful, Chet: unless your name is Marty Moon, everyone from Hobart to Wildcat Maris to B/Robby Howry who takes on the Gilfather eventually gets banished to the cornfield.

 

September 30, 2019

C’mon Zebra!

Filed under: actual action, Coach Kaz, football, Tilden — nedryerson @ 5:44 am

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The word has spread through the Valley Conference. Milford has a hotshot running back named Chance Macy. Chance has a target on his back heading into the match at Tilden.

Detective Kaz is still working on an investigation into the full story behind Chance Macy, but for now it’s Coach Kaz looking out for Chance. Tilden players are taking aim at Chance, THUD!ing him and taking cheap shots. Oh the humanity.

I wonder if this is “too much”.

Are the teams in formation in panel 1? Is 53 of Tilden hanging around in Milford’s backfield? The Zebras are really not paying attention.

July 16, 2019

What’s This Summer All About?

Filed under: big arms, Just plain sad, Milford Idiots, Piss faced Tiki, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 8:10 am

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Frankly, I’m confused. Here I was in my Ethan Allen recliner chair, jumbo extra-buttered popcorn in one hand, 2 liter of Diet Coke I froze in the fridge in other hand, more where that came from behind the leftover celery and carrots and spinach dip tray in the Amana, plenty of Mike ‘n’ Ike on the coffee table, running the gamut from sour balls to chocolate gumbo lover’s delight (milk chocolate and okra, mmmmmmm, mmmmmmm) , and I was ready to pop the DVD in the player, I DID pop the DVD in the player, expecting to see the Warner Brothers logo and Bugs Bunny’s face grace the middle of the logo, the Looney Tunes Theme played with aplomb by Metallica, then suddenly Bugs Bunny reclining while munching on another carrot, pulling on the curtain to introduce another installment, “Bugs Breaks Par at MCC” or “Hare Ball with Gil” or even “Bunny Bag Full of Tricks and Clubs”. “5-Iron Hare” wasn’t really going to cut it but I had this barrel of popcorn to balance on the arm rest and beggars can’t be choosers, y’know.

But WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!! What in the name of Pepe Le Pew was going on? Oh, this stunk all right but it had nothing to do with a skunk trying to hit on Mimi throughout the cartoon.

“Ah, my love. Domp yor hus-BEND and cum wizz me and I weel show you zee fi-NER zings in Oak-WOOD.”

Dating a skunk in another Rockville at their version of The Bucket, playing “Red River Valley” by Red Sovine, the K-Tel version, off the jukebox, it’s easy to see why Mimi rejected Pepe’s advances.

“Phew!!!!!!!!!!!! Damn, Mimi, your blouse stinks to high heaven!!!!!!!!! Man, your whole outfit reeks of roadkill!!!!!!!!! Have you been seeing another man?”

 

Meanwhile, back on the field, I am utterly disappointed. I was expecting a golf plot but got “Alfie”

What’s it all about

TIKI

Is it just for the Summer

You live

 

What’s it all about

When you play it out

The TD reception you give

Or are you meant to cover

Your man

 

And if only fools are toast

Then I guess it’s wise to be Wonder Bread

 

And if the game belongs to the talented

What will you lend based on an old golden rule

 

As sure as I believe there is a Heaven above

I know you can do so much more

Something even non-football converts believe in

I believe in ability

TIKI

 

Without ability, you’re just standing like the goal post

Until you find the receiver, you’re ancient history

TIKI

 

When you find him, stick to him

Like Elmer

And you’ll find the pass meant for

The split end

TIKI

 

Oh TIKI

 

Mortifying a plot by mortifying a pseudo-Othello with one of my favorite in the business, Dionne Warwick. Life is good.

 

I normally wait until the end to comment but Franku brings up an interesting point. Why is Tiki playing if they are essentially ruling him ineligible? Gang, when I was coaching Babe Ruth Baseball, we couldn’t touch high school players from their teams until we got a written release from their coach. Don’t want Big Brother a/k/a High School Athletic Association snoopin’ around and seeing if a couple of high school pitchers are doing warm-ups with the rest of the staff or the high school catcher running laps around the complex without either scenario’s John Henry stating it was all good to go.

I have to believe Tilden wouldn’t cross the Alps with Hannibal and the rest of the elephants and hippos for a non-sanctioned event, let alone playing a team with somebody at the mercy of a School Board meeting. It’s bad enough trying to find enough water to water down the hippos but does Tilden have to get tangled up in Blues (oh, shit, turn off that Dylan CD, T. Drew) , uh, tangled up in someone else’s hippo poop? Well, I guess what Dylan was talking about and what I’m talking about might as well be the same only you can’t bring a hose to a School Board meeting. You’ll just have to come without Pepe.

“What do yoo men, I cant cum to zee mee-TING? I can strai-zen zees hole zing out. I can bribe zee luvlee lady Board Member wiz my charms-and a Buck-EET Bur-GAIR. Estee Lauder and BEEG Macs wark ev-er-EE time. ”

Anyway, Tilden crossed the Rubicon without a hitch. It’ll be Gil’s cross to bear when it comes to Alfie, er, Tiki.

 

Come to Galan’s Meat’s in Louisville, Kentucky. They are just about to move in a new building and I can see why. They offer the freshest meats around from ground round to prime rib to bar-b-q ribs. And it is cut daily so you are in for a treat. And if you want a sandwich, from pork chop to hamburger, with sides like potato salad or cole slaw, the grill is continually smokin’ until closing time. Man, my mouth is watering even as I text. They are on Market Street in West Louisville, Kentucky and you owe it to yourself to dig in. I sure did.

Support Small Business. You need to go where everyone knows your name.

 

“Hi, this is Joe Sharkey. If you’ve been injured in an accident, you need money to pay the medical bills. Insurance companies are digging through the playbook to look for ways to run over, out-hustle, out-block, out-play, and out-smart the competition.

Don’t be like Loser Jensen here in P1 who got torched for a Fly pattern and subsequently watched the insurance companies high-five each other in the end zone. They will stop at nothing to run up the score. If they can’t beat you on the field, believe me, they will yank out the rule book and try to beat you on a technicality.”

“I got my bell rung when a construction worker tried to dig up the street to get to a pipeline, blasting the sucker with dynamite and the manhole cover conking me out and ripping a side of my face. The insurance companies tried to get technical by saying our receiver’s birth certificate was notarized a day after the Notary Public’s term expired. Thank God, The Shark had a stopwatch and determined that the Notary signed the affidavit 10 minutes before he turned into a pumpkin. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard right. Don’t let insurance companies cheat you out of the TD you ran and the face-lift you deserve because they were trying to get a replay from some schmuck’s cheap K-Mart camcorder. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS and get the money you deserve.”

 

Oooooooooookkkkkkkkk, so we’re not going the injury lawyer route in P1. Hadley Venom is not going to be an ambulance chaser and get the insurance number for Tiki when he gets his face spiked by a Tilden fullback.

Then there’s the other question “Is this a dream within a dream?”, to quote Alan Parsons off “Tales of Mystery & Imagination.” In other words, the Tilden players, coaches, elephants, hippos, cheetahs, chimpanzees, etc. are here to stay, at least in the next few days (“In your FACE, Curious George!!!!!!!!”, “C’mon, Babar, do the Sack Dance with me!!!!!!!!!”) , but what of the plot per se? Will this be a mini-plot that lasts until Labor Day, then we turn on the afterburners and find out Jaquan wants to coach the receivers and marry Hadley Vertigo on the 50-yard line and watch the Mudlark players work out the logistics of setting up the altar, arranging for the minister, rehearsing with Ed Asner (GOOD ONE, TEENCHY) on giving away his daughter, constructing the reception table with Marty Moon as the DJ (Can’t have Booby do it, Rockville’s still mad at him; and Ernie the P has lost his audience. Imagine Harold Stassen spinning Carl Perkins’ “Honey Don’t” on the turntable and you get the idea) , everyone rehearsing throwing rice at the couple, and hiring a limo to haul them off to Mudlark Lake Resort for the honeymoon?  BTW, as long as Luhm is around with a mega-blower that could knock over the Sears Tower, the rice ought to cleared out at least as far as Siberia in time for the real thing. The limo should drive of with Uncle Ben in its tread. But the question remains with the Minute Rice question laid to rest. Is this or is this not a mini-plot?

Or will this blend into the football season and Heather Burns returns to give Tiki pointers on how to properly blindside your opponent, especially in his private areas when he’s not learning Torts and Comparative Fault from Hadley Victim’s Rights? One day, he’s learning the proper footwork on how to defense a tight end, then the next day, he’s in a courtroom soaking up 49 ways to prepare a case brief (“Make sure you do what Alice Cooper does and come early in the morning when nobody’s around the Xerox machine.”) And this pas de deux gracefully saunter for months leading into Thanksgiving? Gang, aren’t you excited? Time to hit the microwave and nuke another Jiffy Pop while I’m rewinding the DVD. And if Charlie from My Three Sons, er, Heather Burns’ dad returns with a vengeance, it’s time to get the White Castle cheeseburgers out of the freezer and nuke those too. Can’t have enough excitement on this website, don’t ya know.

 

If ya’s playin’ in a 7-on-7 Weekend Softball Tournament and ya wanna play center field cuz ya wanna work off the excess Falls City by chasin’ down all the balls hit down the left field line cuz the manager ain’t got a left fielder amongst his 7 players and yore cut-off man is yore Sterling-bellied pitcher,  ya might be a redneck.

 

“Coach!!!!!!!! Coach!!!!!!!!!! I know who shot Coach Shaw!!!!!!!!!!!”

“GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me get on my cell phone with the police!!!!!!! Who was it?”

“It was———-”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Sorry, Coach, we need to fix that lock. but we oughta be able to lure that hippo back to the trailer with some prime rib.”

“I understand, but now we’re down to 7-on-6.”

 

 

P2-“Dude, your head is so far up your ass, the chimpanzees might mistake you for an ostrich. You are really out of it today.”

“Not true. I am perfectly focused and ready for the next play.”

“Well. I’d put on my helmet before you got on the field instead of that earthen pot of marigolds you got in your hand from the gardens of the Milford Public Library grounds.”

Trying to put it on

“Is there any Miracle-Gro in the equipment shed?”

 

Come to The Bookworm in Corydon, Indiana. There is wide selection of used books that can suit just about any fancy that has been satisfying mine for several years. I LOVE their Louis L’Amour collection, being a Western buff, so I frequent the place as much as I’m humanly able. There is a book that is bound to cater to any taste so you owe it to yourself to talk to a friendly face or two and check out the selection. Their cook books are to die for, Gang. Support Small Business. You need to go where everybody knows your name.

 

 

 

Oh, look, Howdy Doody had an interracial marriage at some point in his career and his progeny is in P3. Love that toothy smile. And nice to see the gloves he obtained when he skinned a leopard either from the Tilden caravan or out in the woods where the mutant poplars abide. Leopards aren’t picky. And, evidently, neither is Howdy VI.

I agree that Tiki should dial it in. He has all these legal terms as well as the play book to memorize, for pete’s sake. Give him time. Rezoning Variance and a buttonhook pattern can be Hell to memorize in one night.

 

“And the gun goes off, indicating the end of the 3rd quarter, with the score, Tilden, 37, Milford, 34. This is Marty Moon at the 7-on-7 scrimmage on Mudlark Practice Field and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Folks, if you’re like me, you grew up with all the games shows like Joker’s Wild to Concentration to The Match Game. And with game show hosts like Bill Cullen or Pat Sajak, you couldn’t go wrong with great personalities with a nifty sense of humor.

But there’s one game show host that you, the customers, voted as the one you’d kill for an autograph were he 50 feet from your person. That’s right, Wink Martindale was the man most people would run over their grandmother for while driving their pickup truck should they ever be confronted with the opportunity. Even if the light was red.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And from now until the end of July, if you’ll come in with a memento of ol’ Wink himself, you’ll receive a 12-pack of your favorite brew and a $2 bag of chips. Mmm, mmm, I think I have that newspaper clip in the 1978 Milford Enquirer of Wink in the TV section hosting The Gong Show. Chuck Barris was sick with the flu that day so Wink pinch-hit in superb fashion with a group of parakeets singing “Don’t Leave Me This Way” the winner. Only Wink and Thelma Houston could do it any better. God, that Pabst Blue Ribbon Dark and a $2 bag of Mike-Sell’s Pork Rinds. And I have Wink to thank for that. Thanks, Mr. Martindale.

Sorry, it won’t do any good to bring in your scrap book photos of Bob Clayton when he was hosting Concentration, coaxing another homemaker to victory with the phrase “Moose Lye-k-Lee 2 Sox-Seed.” She might have won a trip to the Bahamas and a Home Version of Concentration but she’ll get no free booze here. She’ll need to go the Milford Public Library for a microfiche in the ’70’s of Wink hosting the $25,000 Pyramid (“You have a jaw like Roger Moore from James Bond.” “Did you do your hair at the Milford Dry Cleaners? You could put another face of Mount Rushmore on it.” “THINGS YOU’D SAY TO WINK!!!!!!!!” DING DING DING DING) if she wants her Stroh’s Lite ‘n’ Firm and Lay’s Vinegar ‘n’ Borscht.

And don’t bother with your 3-D photos of Art Fleming. I know you purists think Alex Trabek ruined Jeopardy and you’d like the old-school game show hosts to grace the stage once again (“Game Show Hosts for $200.” “He hosted Jeopardy back in the early ’70’s and got a hickey from a soccer mom when she got the Daily Double correct.” “Who is Dick Clark?” “No, that is incorrect…”) but Art Fleming and his nasally sexy voice won’t get you a Bud Gold and the $2 box of Rice Chex Mix that goes with it. It’s either Wink Martindale or you are listening to a report from the stock yards.

 

Bring in that photo of you posing with Wink and Mickey Mouse at Milford Disney World and get a free slice of The Good Life for your troubles. C’mon, people, do ya really want to do a Polaroid of you and Gene Rayburn at the beach of Mudlark Lake? I hope Gene has plenty of UV protection. You deserve to be compensated for your loyalty to a man who was considered by Entertainment Weekly to be the most influential game show host of the ’80’s and ’90’s. Get on down here with your 8 x 10 of ol’ Wink for some Miller Lite and pretzels and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Comment away. I get the feeling this is gonna drag on and on and on and…

Do ya really wanna see this in another commercial along with the Energizer Bunny? Thought so.

 

You better let somebody lovvvvveeeee you

TIKI

 

“Ahhhhhhh, Tiki, cum into my arms, don’t beeee shy, Pepe weel hep yoo get away from Haz-LEE Ve-NOME, DON’T RON AWAYYYYYY”

 

You better let somebody ELSE love you

TIKI

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