This Week in Milford

November 18, 2020

I’m Just Saying, But Did Milford Cover the Spread?

All action – well, almost all action – today as Milford dominates Tilden. Tom “Don’t Call Me Butt” Muench is all over the field, stripping oversized footballs and causing Theismannesque leg injuries.* Chance Macy, perhaps the most realistically drawn player we’ve seen in some time**, racks up the yardage and probably scores some points. Quick cut to the sidelines where a lineman who appears to be part flounder makes an aside to a young Sylvester Stallone that maybe the Mudlarks should have run up the score.

The Chekhov’s guns left strewn about over the past few strips are leading us to a logical conclusion that the Valley title will boil down to point differential. Either out of a sense of sportsmanship or of continued punishment, Gil will keep Stallone Rappson on the bench when his free-wheeling style of play would be more likely to help Milford obtain those margins of victory necessary to win the Valley. Someone will have learned a lesson, though I’m not sure who will learn it or how valuable that lesson will be.

In any event, it’s more entertaining than watching Corinna be a bitch to everyone she meets.

*Thirty-five years ago today. What a coincidence.

**Sticking with the NFC East theme, whenever I see a running back wearing #31 and an OPO-DW style face mask my mind goes immediately to Wilbert Montgomery.

September 30, 2020

A View to a Kill Shot

Will Thayer has been to Milford volleyball games about as often as Milford volleyball games have appeared in this strip.

This is the first time that we’ve seen actual in-game volleyball action, at least since I’ve been blogging for TWIM. As a result of that I can’t say for certain whether P1 is an accurate representation of a volleyball kill shot. I’d have expected Becca not to be so far into her follow-through relative to where the ball appears, unless she was well above the net when she hit the ball and is now on her way back down to earth.

Panel 2 has me wondering again whether Rubin actually reads this blog. We have almost to a person collectively complained about the lack of attention given to girls’ sports and well-developed female characters in Gil Thorp. Now here we have Corina giving voice to that sentiment and, having been given an entire summer’s worth of backstory about her, I s’pose that counts for character development from Neal’s POV. As tdrew pointed out yesterday, we don’t know when the volleyball games are played and whether they conflict with football games or practices. Just the same Corina’s gonna get that attendance figure up through the power of sheer obnoxiousness. It’s not quite the Paloma Padilla approach but it might work.

Finally we have Thayer’s on-field rival Rapson asking rando teammate about the new girl. How long has he been in Milford? He should know that all he needs to do is hit the diner and get the lowdown from Maureen.

May 22, 2020

The ‘Arder They Come


Late in the day before I realized that robmize was taking the weekend off and left Friday to our devices. So I don’t have much to say here except that the first kid we meet in juvie Valley Modified is Ardis Carhee. Googling “Ardis Carhee” gave me exactly one result:


That ain’t Michigan, but maybe it’s near Luckey, or Haskins. Whatever.

What’s Ardis in for? Obsessive-compulsive desk polishing? Nah, just messing with you. He’s probably in for some violation of a Tilden zero-tolerance policy, like bringing a church key to class to open a can of Johnson’s Wax to polish a desktop. Tune in tomorrow to find out what’s up with Ardis and what plans these rude boys have in store.



February 27, 2020

In Through The Out Basket

Filed under: actual action, basketball, big arms, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 9:08 am


What a way to jumpstart Alexa’s basketball career, trying to guess who shot the Chips Ahoy! cookie that’s clanging off the M.C. Escher goal. Gang, are you as befuddled as I am trying to figure out if we’re looking DOWN at the goal or looking UP at it?

Then, as if our retinae are not damaged enough from basketball goal-gazing, we’re really not sure WHO SHOT COACH SHAW. I’m also wondering who shot the ball but at this point, Thorpiverse might lead you to think that the same culprit engineered both capers. And for once, I agree with Thorpiverse. Nothing is real and something to get hung about. Only in Thorpiverse.

Well, I guess we’ll never get to the bottom of the former; after all, Coach Shaw goes out through the in strip and vice versa. Keeping up with him, well, that’s like trying to figure out how Hanna-Barberra makes that pterodactyl talk when it’s operating Wilma’s washing machine. A lost cause and futile, where’d be the first place you’d look? In through the out gym? In through the out football practice field? Just keep watching The Flintstones. You might catch someone behind Fred’s recliner prompting the pterodactyl.

Anyhoo, we still haven’t figured out who clunked the out cookie. IT’S ALEXA you say. THIS IS THORPIVERSE I say. Granted, it’s not possible Susan Willcox-Olson-etc. could be the one laying the bricks after she shot lights out weeks ago and took charge while Mimi went in through the out bathroom door and never came back out but let’s not start throwing around assumptions around here. That’s how easy victories turn into the fight of your life. Poor preparation and inverted rims will do that to you.

And after a thorough once-over, we’re confident it’s not Phoebe Keener as she’s assumed the role of player-coach and has more on her plate than jacking up in-outer’s that wind in the next panel. She didn’t clunk her way into player-coach the way Mimi clunked her way out and Mimi didn’t have to shoot a basketball, she shot her foot well enough.

So, OKAY OKAY, it’s Alexa who’s trying to be a scoring machine and didn’t help her cause with that bonker in space. It just annoys me that if you see a ball miss the mark, we’re to assume the lead character was the one who pulled it off. Hey, as long as we don’t see the shooter, for all we know, Granny Clampett or Gilligan could have shot it without anyone looking. Mr. Ed sneaking one off the ball rack at a 20-second time-out? It could happen.


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Confusion Reigns At The Milford Lounge Over Led Zeppelin’s Album!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We couldn’t tell who was getting drunker in the photo shoot on the album sleeve, Gil or Bonham.”


She is rising to the occasion. She is overcoming adversity and answering all the critics who said she wasn’t all that. Hey, the only time “Success” comes before “Work” is in the dictionary. No guts, no glory. When the revolution is complete, the landowners will no longer charge usury at The Bucket. Okay, I got a little carried away but I’m fired up about Phoebe’s coaching potential. All she needs now is the playbook. And the clipboard and Magic Marker. I believe Mimi left them in the glove compartment.

Well, we’ll never know if Phoebe succeeded selling Amway Medicated Shampoo Orange Blossom Scent and/or got 15 Mudlarks to show up at an Amway meeting that was held at the gym (was going to get SOME usage out of it. Basketball didn’t seem to be a priority) so that she would one day be at the top of the Triangle. She’d be further than Mimi who was in a Turing fan belt in Gil’s pickup.

What we DO KNOW is that Alexa has upped her game, making a nice little sky hook over 2 defenders who are helpless to stop it. Hey, she gettin’ some game. This is arguably about the most positive we’ve seen in a Thorpiverse concept since Hadley V. left town. Yeah, Alexa’s brightening the gym by ENTERING it unlike Hadley V., especially with the skills Alexa is displaying. She is proving she doesn’t have to bulldoze the opponent in order to play like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

The only glitch is the one defender who wears Nike High Tops at a 45 degree angle attempting in vain to stop Alexa in a Kareem moment. I know we are deluged in M.C. Escher today but I always thought his illusions were mainly up/down and not side to side. Pretending she is guarding Alexa by sliding her feet but are really nailed to the floor. If that be the case, her Nike’s share something in common with this plot. Going somewhere but running to stand still. Didn’t U2 sing that?

I wonder if Escher played basketball. Did he use those rims? Gotta start an artistic career somewhere.



No Coach!!!! No Coach!!!! No Coach!!!!


Please Coach!!!! Please Coach!!!! Please Coach!!!!


Ditch this plot!!!! Ditch this plot!!!! Ditch this plot!!!!




“Phoebe, don’t you think Alexa’s suspension is a little harsh?”


Okay, you whippersnappers, digging into the past, “Where’s Huddles?” was a pilot show about a football player who’s also a family man whose neighbor, Bubba McCoy, also played on the same football team as Huddles. It was Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble in shoulder pads. They and their teammate, Freight Train,  form a trio, The Offensives, after Huddles has aspirations of grandeur, especially when they see a player they play against go on TV and show that he was more image than talent as this player’s singing voice leaves a lot to be desired.

The hitch is that their coach, a rough cutout of Mr. Slate (the voice, ironically the voice of Fred Flintstone, Alan Reed) , has threatened to severely punish anybody who moonlights because moonlighting, to the coach, undermines a player’s performance on the football field.

But they could be violating copyright laws. Gil and Mimi have been performing as The Offensives for 60 years.


At the Milford Comedy Club

“…what do I look like, an alligator who ran over a zebra to get the easy bucket?”


“I still have 4 fouls left.”



Are you in for a treat today. We have banners that look like ABM missiles and could REALLY shove people out of the way, not just players, should someone use scissors and cuts one of the cords. Anything to wake Alexa up and make her realize she got game.

Then, as our eyes are already overloaded from trying to surmise which end of the rim is up, we are overwhelmed with topsy-turvy rafters. Don’t hang on one of those things. A reader could turn the panel upside-down and you’d be eternally falling in some chasm. You might be free from the Cycle of Life but I’ve never known anyone to reach Nirvana heading in the wrong direction. It’s a lot easier heading down The Grand Canyon on a mule.

And with players that defend as if trying to prove a congruent triangle through Side-Angle-Side, we got the whole package in P2.

If yore daddy gave ya an 8-track player ta play “All My Love” and the rest uv Led Zeppelin that he tore outta his 4-wheel-drive by turnin’ the 4-wheel-drive upside down with the use of chains and the floor jack, ya might be a redneck.


Gang, I remember the movie “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance” where Jimmy Stewart is reminiscing about John Wayne, who was Stewart’s protectorate against Liberty Valance (played by Lee Marvin) , a renegade rogue who terrorizes the typical western town in part because the sheriff is a marshmallow. Finally, bristling at some reporter’s question, Stewart utters “Now who’s giving the interview?”.

In P3, I feel like asking “Who’s doing the coaching?” Might as well be Liberty Valance. If he is indeed, Alexa might turn INTO another Liberty Valance. With Mimi playing the part of that chickenpoop sheriff, Alexa will be shootin’ Tilden players off the rafters if they haven’t been inverted into The Black Hole. And 11 points and 11 rebounds to boot. Hard to believe she only had 4 fouls. But with Liberty as a coach, those were probably the only ones they counted. At sometime, ya gotta call it when the Tilden player gets her head blown off even if Valance is pointing a six-shooter at your person.

“Can I have some more pancakes? And can you pour some Aunt Jemima on them?”

“Mimi, get your ass back on the court or hand in your badge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


And, Gang, players DO NOT look at the stat sheet after the game because they know the only stat that matters is The Final Score.

But with Phoebe having the keys to the gym, how can it be a mystery how she got the stats in the first place. Just put it back in Mimi’s office when you’re done. Mimi needs it later for wallpaper.


The final installment, reluctantly so, in Black History Month is Tracy Chapman, a very successful Folk-Rock musician who has made her mark and then some.

A multi-Grammy winner, including songs such as “Fast Car” and “Give Me One Reason”, and her smash hit album, “Tracy Chapman” plus nominated for “Crossroads” and “New Beginning”, she has a way of making music that gets right to the heart of the matter. Poignant lyrics, shrewdly-crafted melodies, she keeps you hopping with enjoyment. And she does it with a flair that rubs off on you, compelling you to carry out her message. She has performed the world over and has only gotten better as the years have rolled by. I have always liked her videos as they often give a stark reality on life but many times she offers a light at the end of the tunnel. A troubador with a powerful persona, please join me in saluting a fine lady who is a credit to the world around her and makes that world a better place to live.



“…and that was the Mudlark String Quartet performing ‘Fool in the Rain’, Robert Plant on vocals and Mimi Thorp, the virtuoso on the viola. We’ll be back with more Milford Symphony Orchestra Performs Led Zeppelin through a generous grant from NPR Radio and Milford Foundry after these messages. This is WDIG-Radio, where Beethoven meets ‘When The Levee Breaks’.”


“Boy o boy, that’s one heck of a concert. I can’t wait until they play ‘Rock and Roll’. I understand the kettledrums have a killer solo.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse and our Food Court promotion went over so well, the good people at The Warehouse felt it only right to reward you with some more goodies.

Right now until March 14th, The Warehouse is staging Mix and Match on all your favorite liquors and fast food. But hold your horses and your beer, they’re throwing in an extra incentive that’ll keep your checks still attached to your checkbook. For every combo from your favorite food outlet AND a purchase of at least $10 on your liquor, The Warehouse will sell you a Commemorative Coin of Yours Truly with my favorite saying ‘If you can’t run with the Big Dogs, get out of my garage” for only $19.95. Folks, that’s a $79.95 value, not counting the six-pack of Falls City.

Now you know what good eatin’ is when you have that coin in your coin changer while snarfing on Long John Silver’s 68-Piece Jumbo Shrimp and Bombay Sapphire Gin in the 2-Liter plastic bottle. And paying without having to use 2 Milford Teacher’s Federal Credit Union Visa cards makes the shrimp go easier down your throat.

Or maybe you want to save the Coach Thorp Commemorative Coin till later to nail in the den next to the family portrait but still want your Wendy’s Baconator with Cheese washed down by Cafe Rumba Liqueur. Shoot, The Warehouse won’t charge you an arm and a leg to fork over the $25.99. You can even take the doggie bag out the door and the alarm won’t go off. Not for the food anyway.

And some of you may have seen enough of me that seeing my profile rubber-stamped out of U. S. Mint can be redundant. I understand. That’s why The Warehouse also has a 106-coin set available of all the 50 states and all the National Parks in our country. And all you have to do is purchase 2 30-Packs of Busch Light. Doggone it, I’ll give the cashier a Ben Franklin and tell him to keep the change if I can get a 2 cold mountains, some Whoppers, and a quarter with Rhode Island printed on it. I’ll give South and North Dakota to Jaime and Keri.

Come on down and see some more deals before they shut Milford Mines for some more coinage and get a slice of Big Macs and Yellowstone. And with an Old Milwaukee, the only thing that could make it any better than that is if the Swedish Bikini Team walked through the turnstiles. Come see how much better and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, you’re the best. I still wonder how 4 fouls can be a helpful stat but you’re the best.


Mimi entering the gym one day

“Did I miss anything, Phoebe?”



“Gil, there’s rumors floating around that you have Commies listed on your roster. Any truth to them?”

“No, Ralph.”






“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!. Look, our team is stocked with full-blooded Americans. We may have a melting pot but they swear by Red White & Blue.”

“That’s not what I heard. My sources tell me you have a Viet-Cong guerilla disguised as your point guard.”

“My point guard? Schuring is as Mom and apple pie as you can get. He’s the last person who’d pledge allegiance to the Hammer and Sickel!!!!!!!!”

“Sure. And they have a Commerative Coin of Benedict Arnold for sale in Reader’s Digest. Did you ever see part of The Everglades named after him? Huh?


February 26, 2020

Not An Exhibition(ist) Game


Unlike Dan Reeves, Alexa wants to let ’em see her sweat – and bang bodies, too – but doesn’t want to let ’em see her score? If you went by dialog alone you might this was an outtake from Eyes Wide Shut. This is no orgy, at least not on the scoreboard and not at the moment.  Assistant Head Coach Phoebe Keener is about to change all that.

Nice to see Mimi has given up on coaching Alexa since effectively abdicating that role to Phoebe last week. This is painfully apparent during the timeout. So the Milford girls have one (student) coach for one player and one for the rest of the team? Marty Moon should’ve noticed that and ran with it like a preschooler with a pair of scissors.

Mimi has lost control of the Lady Mudlarks and Rubin has lost control of this plot. It’s been two weeks since we’ve seen Chris Schuring and over a month since we’ve seen the boy hoopsters; can any of them get this thing back on the rails?

February 25, 2020

Just Wait Till Your Father Gets To Our Gym


I love the team so well

And the coaches too

And the groovy way that plays can gell


Phoebe’s a trip

And she lets it rip

When teammates get pushed into the wall


I love Alexa just well

Tho she plays like Hell

Every time she’s in the paint



Just wait till Mimi gets

Unless she should forget

Wait till Mimi gets home


Well, look who showed up at the game to high-five the New-Look Watson. And like Zevon, I’d like to know her tailor. Awoooooooo, Werewolves in Milford.

Wasn’t it just last week that Mimi did a stand-in and practically distanced herself from Phoebe attempting to turn Alexa into a human Rock ’em Sock ’em Robot? Even when Mimi told Alexa that in order to get accepted at Harvard, she had to be a runaway train on offense? Yeah, don’t hokey-pokey this one, Mimi. Put your left foot into your mouth, take it out of your mouth, do the same with your right foot, then shake that thang all about and get your husband sexually aroused who’s sitting in the 3rd row behind the Mudlarkettes Dance Corps and come to the enemy gym lookin’ like The Sharp Dressed Man to greet Alexa as if you’d been step-by-step in this process. Oh, you’ve been stepping in something all right. I just hope your Jordache Jacket doesn’t have cow chips all over it when you take it to Milford Dry Cleaners. One can dream.


Because I’m a Western buff and watch shows like Death Valley Days and enjoy them in general but feel occasionally they take liberties with history, knowing that Charles Goodnight had cows but doubting that he had his pet cow in the same relationship a la Roy Rogers and Trigger


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Appeals To Governor For Stay On Execution Of His Pet Zebra, Flossie.”

sub headline

“I couldn’t bear to see it at the slaughterhouse so that somebody could get a cheap T-bone steak.”


“Harry Boyle, I don’t like how Alexa is shoving people around all over Milford. She shoved an old lady with a cane the other day and got run over by Gil and Mimi on a tandem. I did some research and found out that the Milford Communist League is behind all this.”

“Oh, Ralph, come on. She’s just trying to up her game. I wish my son Chet had that much energy to get out on his own.”

“That’s what the League WANTS you to think. But if Alexa starts shoving around senior citizens at the Milford Bingo Parlor, pretty soon she’ll be shoving red-blooded Americans straight over the cliff. Then the Commies will put in a new coach and the Mudlarks will have nothing but players reading out of The Red Book.”

“Ralph, did you make this up or have you been in Gil’s office again for Twinkies and coffee?”

“I’m telling you, Harry, don’t blame me if they resurrect Lenin from his tomb and he takes Mimi’s place. Then you’ll have Commies shoving people out of the way when they try to sit in the booth at The Bucket and order Bucket Chop Suey. It’s fishy, Harry.”





“NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Look, Alexa is a decent girl. Do you think a valedictorian would want to make America run by Big Brother?”

“They already have Big Brother in power. He draws a paycheck and does nothing. Gil is a model for ‘Each according to their need’. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s reading Trotsky while sitting on the john.”


And are we playing in an igloo? Or maybe they’re minion’s in some 8-year-old’s Lego Block set? The consolation prize is that surely that kid isn’t wearing Donettes on his ears like Mimi is displaying while celebrating her non-entity status with Alexa.


I worship her joie de vivre

Her breath reeks Febreze

She is perfect in every frickin’ phase


Even though she coaches from a telephone booth

Her athletic insights match those of Babe Ruth


Wait till Mimi gets

Unless she’s taking bets

Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee


She and Gil never go for the kill

They both coach on a fart and a whim



Mudlarks today like to play their own way

And what Coach Thorp doesn’t know won’t hurt him


Boy, wait till Mimi shows up at home indeed. She might learn a thing or two after getting familiar with the architectural design of Jefferson’s gym. Now if only she knew the floor plan of her own. When you have to max on your credit card to rededicate your life to the basketball court via Milford Floor & Tile, well, as the fans always say to bad officiating, “Open up your eyes, you’re missing a good game.” Wanna borrow my 3-D glasses, Mimi?

Because 12 points is an improvement but certainly not enough to convince me that she can sustain that level of play, as if getting called for charging after backing down your woman in the paint then flying on a spree is going to be the table d’hote henceforth. I’d increase the odds if Mimi had a hand in things and not letting Phoebe get thrown to the lions if Alexa backs down a police officer after the game to get out the door to stay true to character, yet be the first in line at the Milford Soup Kitchen to enjoy Alexa’s Crabmeat Special while Phoebe is off in a corner gnawing on Milk Bones. The dignified thing to do would be at least throw Phoebe a pincer every now and then.


If yore daddy shows up at yore game after they gave him a 3-day pass, then after ya score 38 points and 24 rebounds to win the game in triple OT, the authorities return him ta the chain gang ta work on the Milford & Oakwood railroad track, ya might be a redneck.


And is that Chris in the audience? Well, after all, he’s the second head in this two-headed monster that has replaced Mimi as the coach. I reckon that’s better than no heads on Gil’s team. And that’s scary. Basketball without representation is tyranny. I’d almost welcome Beef-a-Roni/Beef-a-Ghetti Head to lead the boys team in wind sprints.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Heavily Fined And Delivered An Official Reprimand From Milford Condo Suites!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They never told me that a Polled Hereford was not included in the pet policy.”


“Irma, it’s bad enough that Chet needs to get his own place and that he got fired after he was caught dumping Cheerios in the Bucket Spaghetti Special when he couldn’t find the Bucket Noodles. But when he’s given a T for imitating a Lear jet and trying to knock the Tilden player on the floor by blowing jet fumes in his ear, trying to intimidate your opponent shouldn’t land you on the bench.”

“So he tried to pass gas on the player when he as boxing out, Harry. Gil taught him that. He told Chet to keep plenty of Bush’s Garbanzo Peas in his locker. He’s teaching him about Life. It may smell but you get the loose rebound anyway. Coaching isn’t always perfect. Mimi’s trying to teach Alice the same thing, only with Safeway Pinto Beans.”

“I hope to God the Milford Feeder League isn’t dispensing that information to Jaime.”


Peter-Panning your way to the rebound on the hopscotch board and holding your breath that the Tilden player in P3 is merely answering the altar call at the Billy Graham Reach Everyone in Milford By 2025 Crusade and not getting her patellae overworked. That’s the system Mimi’s using (we think) . As Phoebe said (that Mimi should have said) , the calls even out.


Today’s Black History Month installment is George Liele, a former slave who eventually became the first African-American missionary. Starting out in Savannah, Georgia in the Baptist denomination, he built a solid congregation, though he was a Loyalist, his reason being that he wanted no part of the Colonialists’ toleration of slaveholders in the American South.

Liele moved to Jamaica to start his mission work, eventually establishing another church that proved to be fruitful. Though plantation owners there were initially against his ministry due to fears of emancipation of their own slaves, Liele overcame all doubts, not to mention the notion that African-Americans could not escape the vicious cycle of slavery.

Instead, he showed through perserverance and love that African-Americans could live productive lives without chains bound to them. His ministry influenced many and further advanced the Human Race. Please join me in saluting a man who accomplished great things and helped people take a giant step forward.


“And Alexa knocks Jane Doe to the deck after kick-boxing on the drive. Alexa will be at the line to complete the 3-point play. Time out is called by Tilden with the score in the tenth round, rather, 3rd quarter, Milford, 47, Tilden, 31. We’ll take a commercial break, this is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG-Radio, a division of Learfield Sports.”


“When The Bucket is still trying to strong-arm the Milford Zoning Board to obtain a liquor license, even if they play dirty pool or throw somebody in a pool, that’s one thing. Personally, I’ve been on the bad end of blowouts and that’s the time to clear your bench, not try to claw back into a 51-point deficit. But maybe The Bucket knows how?to handle the 2-minute drill better than I do and will one day sell Schlitz and Sundaes on any given day.

But when they won’t allow honest, tax-paying citizens onto their Food Court area unless you have a Bucket Food Court Member card, that’s when they need to be called for over-and-back, that’s too many halfcourts crossed as far as I’m concerned.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and let me tell you, Milford Beverage Warehouse says Come unto us, all ye that are hungry and heavy-laden and we will give you rest, booze, and some grub. Our credit is easy and our Food Court is wide. You won’t see any Pinkertons patrolling the area to check to see if you paid your admission. You can sit down and enjoy Big Mac’s and Korbel, $9.99 a bottle, and not have to worry about your papers being in order.

Want a Whopper and some Natural Light Naturdays in the 30-Pack? For $18.99 and some loose change, you can bask in the sunlight at the arboretum section of the Food Court and for a few dollars more you can make it a combo. Fries and a large Nestea Unsweet and the sun rays are still free, isn’t it nice to enjoy Cheeseburgers in Paradise without Dirty Harry sticking his Magnum up your butt?

But we’re not all Ronald McDonald and Golden Arches around here. Long John Silver’s was another chain gracious enough to grace their presence here in the ambiance that is the Food Court. And if it’s atmosphere you want, The Warehouse is willing to oblige. And the obligation is pretty affordable when you’re consuming LJS Salmon Platter and Hush Puppies with Maker’s Mark Whiskey 1.75 Liter serving as your chaser. At $23.99 and lunch money, Boy, I’ll go out to the Bering Strait with the fishermen to snare some more. Salmon, of course, there’s no Maker’s Mark north of the Arctic Circle.

Now are you going to fork over $250 for a non-refundable, non-redeemable membership card and just get Bucket Rib Sandwiches in a cage? If they EVER get their liquor license, who really wants Bucket Clam Chowder and Coors Light in a roped-off area that would be better used as a playground than a so-called Food Court? With Adam-12 looking over your shoulder? No thank you.

Come to Milford Beverage Warehouse where our Food Court stocks Happy Meals and Wendy’s Doubles, Hardees Thickburgers and Domino’s Breadsticks for that discriminating liquor connoisseur and all you gotta do is leave your attitude at the door. You won’t need a hall pass to enjoy Jim Beam and Whoppers with Cheese. Don’t take my word for it. Come see for yourself and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.


Thanks for your patience, Gang. You didn’t pull an Alexa on me. God bless you.


Driving the streets of Milford one night after Tuesday Open League Bowling Night at Milford Bowl-a-Rama

“Harry, these Commies think they can overrun Milford without us Mudlarks firing a shot. But I’ve got a sure-fire prevention method to contain any Pancho Villas from being the janitor at Mudlark gym.”

“Ralph, let it go. I haven’t heard any ugly rumors about Maoists or Marxists invading our fair city. That’s as sure a thing as the Mudlarks making the Playdowns.”

“And let Fidel tear your ticket at the ticket window? Khruschev sell peanuts and Bud in the stands? Lin Piao be the timer? When I have the most fool-proof plan this side of the ocean?”

“Awwrriight, I’ll take the bait. What do you have in mind?”

“Simple. We look in the phone book for everyone with the last name ‘Thorp’. Gus Thorp. Sigourney Thorp. Abraham Thorp. Grandma Moses Thorp. Elmo Thorp. Bubba Thorp. Tom Thumb Thorp. William Makepeace Thorp. Pytor Ilyich Thorp. The whole Thorp crowd. Our vigilante group will round ’em up and send them on the next cruise shop bound for Russia.”

“Ralph, there’s a number of honest Americans with the last name ‘Thorp’.”

“I realize that. If they brush their teeth with a 9-iron and use Quaker State to lubricate their car and hair, I’ll assume they’re on the side of Old Glory.”



I love Coach Thorp so swell

But she starts to yell

Everytime she’s advised to coach


Just wait till Mimi gets

She wears a nice hair net

Wait till Mimi gets hooommmmeee



“Hi, Mimi. Long day?”

“Ah, I let the kids work on the press-breaker. Those Bucket Tenderloins are to die for. Have you seen their Food Court?”


February 17, 2020

As Lame As Lame Gets


Let me get this straight. Chris Schuring talked to Phoebe Keener to share his technique for improving his basketball game and Phoebe is passing it along to Alexa. This technique is move aggressively about in the hallway, dominating other with one’s superior size and agility. I guess it’s a decent idea to develop an instinct or muscle memory in a sense. Still, walking around in crowds of other people in everyday situations is not like being on a basketball court. It’s more like sharing the road with other cars and we’re all urged to drive defensively, not aggressively. The stakes aren’t quite as high in the halls, but some poor kid is probably going to get wiped out as Alexa embraces her inner road hog. Ms. Perrine almost went down, for crying out loud.


October 10, 2019

I Never Get Blowtop Mad On The First Date.

Filed under: ?, football, Just plain sad, Pissy faced minor character, shadow figures, Tilden — tdrewhardin @ 7:21 am


Chet and Charlie discuss the game with Chet at full speed singing the praises of Charlie’s game. Charlie takes the high road, thinking of the TEAM first. Don’t that beat all.

Gang, let me first off announce that those of you with kids who play sports or are thinking of playing sports, your career, win, lose, or draw, will go a lot smoother and happier if you encourage your son or daughter to put the TEAM first. He or she will be on more teams that way. You’ve helped your chances anyway.

When I was encouraging my nephew, the Chet’s of this world were the loneliest creatures on the planet. They were in a lawn chair or in the bleachers all by themselves. They were the ones who talked about how their son scored 45 points and the coach sat him on the bench. What Chet WON’T tell you is the team lost, his son allowed his man to torch him for 47 points, and he blew the lay-up that would have won the game. Chet has selective memory.

THEREFORE, don’t do what Chet is doing in P1, in other words. Chet is myopic in relation to Milford Mudlark football. Did he bring his Texas Instrument TI-30 calculator when he computed the average? I don’t know if that one has a slide rule or a metric equivalent. I’m curious to see what his yards per carry efficiency on 3rd downs was in meters. And does it have a graphing function. Chet, you better double-check to see if his stock is rising, literally. If it stalls right about when the linear function crosses the y-graph, I’d worry. Coach might bench him. The first-stringers are always in the first quadrant.

Really, where DID Chet get that info? Okay, the calculator but did he slip a steno pad past the turnstiles and after he put all his coins and handgun in the tray so the metal detector wouldn’t play the Mudlark Fight Song? Chet, as long as you were going to write facts and figures on your pad, write down another figure, when you think of it, of course: The final score.

I understand steno pads at Office Supply sell briskly on that concept.


Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Leads Milford Parks & Recreation Adult Flag Football League In Yards Per Catch Clutch Efficiency On Second Down With A 5.4 Greatest Common Factor!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It woulda been higher but some safety ripped my shorts off when he grabbed the flag so they called back my TD run.”


Ok, kiddies, we have a special nursery rhyme that beats “3 Blind Mice” and “Jack and Jill” the way Tilden beat Milford, sneak up on you then have a sense of urgency when the script forgot to print the score up until the last 30 seconds

Chet and Charlie

Rode on their Harley

To practice at the football field


Gil wasn’t coaching

Kaz went poaching

Chet’s beard had lost its appeal


So did his overbearing demeanor but I couldn’t fit that in the nursery rhyme and couldn’t find something that rhymes with “Step-parent needs to get a life.”


And don’t get me wrong. Your kid has to have fun and has to enjoy the sport and that has to be the #1 priority. If you win, that goes at the bottom of the list. Sure, losing sucks and winning IS a priority but a BOTTOM priority.

That said, avoid clubhouse lawyers like Chet. Believe me, if your kid is in involved in sports, you’ll run into them. One reason why I think “Ball Four” by Jim Bouton is a waste of time is that he spends a lot of time talking about his individual performance and not about the TEAM performance. Check out the appendix in the back. It is nothing but Jim statistics which is understandable but they’re slanted so that everything’s about Jim and NOT the team. I give every book a chance. This book blew its own because if you want the TEAM to win, you really can’t have the mindset of this book. And Pete Rose, BTW, was not always popular, being a fierce competitor will do that. And a fierce competitor wouldn’t be taking greenies as alleged in the book. I don’t blame ya, Pete, for being upset.

Anyway, encourage your kid to be a TEAM player along with having fun. You might be surprised how many teams he or she makes.


I was fascinated by a town in Greece I read about that has survived well before the BC era to the present. Knowing that Agrippina, a public speaker in the 5th century BC who edited Pindaric odes and Aeschylus’ memoirs, came from the same town as members of Buffalo Springfield (or the equivalent, I forgot which)

Yesterday’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Remains Of Thorpolos And His Playbook, Not To Mention His Exegesis On Plato’s Rough Draft Of ‘The Republic’, Discovered While Milford Toyota Plant Works On Prius Expansion!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford breaks record for differential between 4 B.C., the confirmed birth of Thorpolos, according to the Anthropology Department at Milford CC, and the birth of Gil at 1958. Previous record was Dr. Pearl’s great-aunt born during the Second Crusade.”


Nice to see Charlie Roh doing his best Lyle Lovett impersonation. And Lyle is really the one who is the voice of reason in the present discussion. I always admired (and still do) players who take responsibility for the loss because when you lose, you ALWAYS look inward. It doesn’t do any good to play the blame game at anyone else. In sports, GOOD drives out BAD (believe me) and if you’re winning, politics does not play an overriding factor. Sure, a player’s parent may hate your guts because you’re a Cub fan (couldn’t resist, Robmize) but if people want to win, the politics are normally kept to a minimum.

Okay, that out of the way, Lyle is, take your pick,  transmogrifying into the pupal stages of The Incredible Hulk, is beset with a bad case of zits from all those Snickers he snarfed before the game, or this is a continuation of the Night Gallery segment, “Caterpillar”, and the eggs have escaped the sufferer’s ear and are currently crawling all over his face. Now some of you faint-hearted wussies are steering the easy way out by saying that Charlie, or Lyle in disguise at the Grand Ole Opry, is sweating. C’mon, in THORPIVERSE??? When was the last time sweat actually looked like sweat or they drew those players in the background so we’re not engaged in another episode of “Creature from the Black Lagoon? I bet once those shadowy lizards remove their helmets, they’ll be afflicted with baby caterpillars on their faces too.

And you can’t cheat and say that that’s Minnie Pearl with Milford Cold Cream all over her face to remove the creeping warts that are engaged in a parasite-host relationship. Charlie’s a guy, remember?


Chet fed Charlie

A whole lotta barley

To boost his running game


Charlie met trouble

When he farted in bubbles

Now his bowels won’t be the same


Now we get to the clinical portion of the strip. Grandpa (we think) Macy is trying to imitate Dr. Phil by spouting out terms he learned the other day watching the show while dipping his Milford IGA Restaurant Chips into the IGA Tostitos Salsa Dip.

What the Hell does he mean by “situationally mad”? “Blowtop mad”? Like us readers are supposed to know the difference. Sure, Grandpa, if Chance racks the guy’s nuts, it was because he was situationally mad because the situation, as in baseball, called for the aforementioned action because the Tilden jerk called Chance’s mom all kinds of names, unprintable on this Christian website. If the Tilden jerk said something about Gil’s mom and said she raised him to be an incompetent coach who couldn’t find the end zone even with a AAA Travelogue, well, it’s probably true but THAT’S when you get blowtop mad and blow the Tilden player’s head off with a bazooka. Gotta stick together against the enemy.

Gang, aren’t you getting situationally mad at the one-size-fits-all artwork in relation to Grandma Macy (don’t hold your breath on that one) ? The other day she was Mary Tyler Moore who was married to Rob Petrie. He couldn’t trip over the ottoman because Gil was desperate and had to use it as a blocking dummy. School budget cutbacks, y’know. Anyway, MTM got her glasses courtesy of the Buy One Get The Second One 1/2 Price (Canadian dollars accepted) . Today, she’s the female member of Fairport Convention. Yeah, groovy,  man, #53 is way out, like in Mudlarkland. A real square. Don’t let him upset you, Chance. Instant karma will run his ass over. Just look what that semi did to Booby’s friend. Booby got his.

And I think it is the neatest trick in the book for Grandpa Jones/Walton/Macy to throw his voice and let his forehead to do all the talking. The Tilden Jerk couldn’t do that out of his butt and not use Charmin. Pity.


If ya git pig doo-doo all over yore face cuz ya won first prize at the Hog-Callin’ portion of the Milford County Fair Pig Exhibit Expo ’19 cuz yore voice proved ta be a little too irresistable ta Miz Piggy and the rest of her Yorkshire clan, ya might be a redneck.


“My God, Fred!!!!!!!!!!!! Aunt Ethyl’s got a spheroid lodged in her skull!!!!!!!!! And who’s that giant out there walking off with Uncle Morton in his casket?”

“Hell with Uncle Morton!!!!!!!!! He owed me money anyway!!!!!!!!! Call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Folks, it was a Nightmare on Elm Street until I called The Shark. Then It Was a Wonderful Life. George Bailey had real money coming in and he didn’t have to rely on angels or the Milford Civitan Club to wheel it in. We could lower our aunt and uncle 6 feet under, knowing we had money in our pockets. Joe even paid for the funeral programs at Milford Funeral Solutions. What a swell guy.”

“You heard it from Fred Snerdley. When creepy people who should not be ordering Bucket Shish Kabob from the menu, let alone walking the streets of Milford toting Gil’s grandfather, it is time to act. Tall Man may have thrown one spheroid missile too many at the Tilden Jerk, but decent people like Fred Snerdley need to be justly compensated when the Tall Man barges in on the Nude Swimming Party. Granted, Aunt Ethyl looked unsightly in her birthday suit.  What 93-year-old doesn’t? She still should have been spared the weaponry and I proved that by fighting the insurance companies when Mr. Snerdley made a claim. And the Tall Man will have to loosen his checkbook to the tune of $4, 739, 023, 912. If he can afford to carry corpses around, he’s got the money.”

“I was able to fix the cracks in the pool and clean the blood stains on the diving board. And I can put away some for my grandkids to attend Milford Community College. My grandson wants to be a sanitation engineer. The rest I put in escrow. Thanks, Shark.”

“Sounds like a happy ending to me. Get your own Flintstones happy ending, where that tuba is really blaring, and call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today. Insurance companies are hard at work hauling caskets on the Santa Fe Trail. Don’t let them beat you to Oklahoma. Get the money you deserve so you can play “Home on the Range” on your tuba in the evening. You’ll be glad you did.


Time to go to work, Gang. If you need me, I’ll be at the Grand Ole Opry. I want to get there early so I can get a front row seat for the Lyle Lovett concert. I understand Gil is the opening act. I thought his comedy died the way Aunt Ethyl did. Guess not.


Chet lectured Charlie

His hair was Bob Marley

But, Chet, my running 4 TD’s settled all bets


Better stay humble

You coughed up 2 fumbles



At The Bucket drive-in area

“May I (swoooooshhhh) take your (swiiiiiiiiiiishhhhhhh) order?”


“Uh, yeah, I’ll have the Bucket Triple Cheeseburger, no onions or pickles, an order of fries, and-what do you want?-she’ll have the Bucket Pork Rib Sandwich, extra cayenne, and a Tub o’ Bucket Buffalo Fries-)

“(swwwwoooooooshhhh, crackle crackle) Ya want somethin’ ta drink (swiiiiiiiiiiiisssshhhhhh) ?


“Yeah, give us-


“What’s WRONG”

“What is Coach Thorp doing, climbing out of your trunk!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No idea. Oh, hey, Coach. Sorry about that clipping. Coach Kaz will work on it tomorr-


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