This Week in Milford

November 11, 2019

The Education Beat

Filed under: Marjie Ducey, Substandard Sherlocks, Walking and Talking — nedryerson @ 6:34 am

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Last week, Gil shared his suspicions about Chet Ballard with Marjie Ducey. He was just “curious” if it was Chet who called the Milford Star with an anonymous tip about Chance Macy’s record of misbehavior in school.

Now it looks like Marjie is picking up the ball and running with it. There might be a story here! So she’s conferring with a new character, Niah. She’s an education writer at The Star.

What? I’m gonna have to let that sink in. There’s an “education writer” at The Star? Does Niah cover the school board? Has she ever covered any of the other weird goings on in the school system, like reality shows filming at Milford High or assorted school board blowhards getting smacked down by Coach Thorp? Given the idiocy that has gone on in Milford, I’m going to assume that up until this point, the press has not served as a bulwark against unethical practices in the school system. So I’m going to assume that the Star’s education beat probably just involves putting bus schedules and cafeteria menus in print. Which means Marjie might be on her own in developing solid sources.

Maybe Niah will prove me wrong. If she truly has a nose for a story like this, she might just snatch it away from Marjie and run with it in the hopes of raising her profile and getting out of Tank Town. Or maybe we could have a chick fight to lift us out of the doldrums.

November 1, 2019

I’m not sure anybodys ready.

Filed under: football, Gil Thorp, Milford Weirdos, shadow figures, Walking and Talking — robmize2013 @ 8:30 pm

Gil Thorp Comic Strip for November 01, 2019

No color today as the Seattle strip wouldnt load. So Chance confides in Gil that he’s essentially recovering from whatever condition he has (had before). Or at least he feels he can control himself. Wonderful. He even says playing football is major progress for him given his condition.

Meanwhile, we havent had a game in over 2 weeks, and as the falling leaves indicate, the season should be winding to a close, and playoff positioning finalized. The coaches shouldnt be worrying at this point about some kid who isnt even sure he’s up to the task of playing for them. Hey gang, if he is the Least bit unsure, tell him to take a hike right this minute and concentrate on getting better, I mean Really better. Cuz at this juncture, all he can do is further distract a team who we dont really have a handle on due to the lack of games lately ( hey thanks Chet for your contributions to slowing down the pace of pigskin play).

So we have our solution to this problem right in front of us. Lets see how quick Gil pulls the trigger and cuts  Chance from the team.  I wager they dick around for another week and I’ll be rehashing this crap-ola next Friday.

October 31, 2019

Bye, Bye, We Think This Plot’s Gonna Die

Filed under: exposition comics, Gil Thorp, song parody, Walking and Talking — tdrewhardin @ 12:18 pm

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Long, long time ago

I remember so well when Thorp led the troops

But now circumstances have changed

Some players have since gone deranged

And worn a strait jacket for a while

 

Football schemes just made me shiver

With every play that Gil delivers

Bad news on Macy’s doorstep

Can we brook one more step

 

I can’t remember when they played

This plot is strictly torn and frayed

Would somebody mind to kneel and pray

This plot has died

 

Bye bye, this plot’s a sepia rhubarb pie

Drove my Chevy to the levee

Where Gil’s head’s gonna dry

Then fans in the stands flashed their whiskey and signs

Screaming this’ll be the day the plot dies

This’ll be the day the plot dies

 

I really enjoyed reading the Liberty University Bible Commentary and I have found Jerry Falwell and his team of writers to be well-versed and also able to express difficult concepts in a crystal-clear and shrewd style. They hit the essence of the idea EVERY time.

I am intrigued by their staff who, as an example, went to Bob Jones University, Liberty University, Fort Wayne Bible College but got their doctorate at Harvard and Oxford. Without further ado

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Flunks Eschatology 311 In The Theology Department At Milford Community College!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Kaz: ‘I was out for a week with hepatitis when Princeton Theological Seminary was covering Zoroastrianism. I couldn’t begin to say where their soul went when they experienced Nirvana.'”

 

Gang, we are getting into the thick of things, not that that means we’re going to GET ANYWHERE. Gil and Chance are going for a walk. It doesn’t mean they’re going to reach Nirvana either.

Now you know they’re not going to discuss the milk stain on Chance’s chin after having eaten a bowl of Wheaties right before the Olan Mills photographer had everybody, i.e., Beaver and Grandpa and Grandma Cleaver, posing in the den in front of the Childcraft Sex Education World Encyclopedias.

“Coach, do transvestites finally get off the wheel or do they reincarnate into a Milford High School Cafeteria Lady?”

“Not sure, Chance. Where did you read that?”

“Funk and Wagnalls in their Supplementary Edition.”

 

Did you write this script of trash

And can relate to this tub of hash

If Thorpiverse told you so

 

Now do you believe in Rock ‘n’ Roll

Can this crap save our moral soul

And can it teach me how to get bored

Real sloooowwwwwwww

 

Well, I know that you’re in love with Gil

Cuz I saw you and him dancing in the Mudlark gym

You both kicked off your Keds

Man, I dig his Denali head

 

Oh, I was a lonely teenage bronco buck

With Chance’s damnation in a pickup truck

His grandparents ran out of luck

The day, this plot done fried

 

We were singin’, bye bye…

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Endowed With Honorary Degree In Liberal Arts By Milford Vocational & Technical College!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They were impressed when I showed the professor that GE refrigerators didn’t come from the stork.”

Now for 3 months we’ve been on our own

Crucified on a colassal stone

Compelled to dump a sense of time

 

Well, the Mudlark band played a somber tune

Something that Hank Williams crooned

Hank and Chance sank into a swoon

 

Gil just looked at his watch and sighed

This stupid song just wouldn’t die

We all got up to dance

Things anyway wouldn’t advance

 

Cuz the players tried to take the field

The plot and the band refused to yield

Do you recall what was the deal the day

The plot just died

 

We were singin’ ye bye…

 

 

LADIES TAKE YOUR PARTNER

AND THE MEN SASHAY

Oops, sorry, I was getting a little carried away watching Gil and Chance Texas 2-Step together.

If ya call yore 4-wheel drive “Blowtop” cuz the dang thang explodes in 354 different directions, the flywheel barely missing the goal post at Milford High School Football practice field, ever’ time ya put the key in the ignition and try ta start it up, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gang, remember the Saturday Night Live sketch with the original cast where Gilda Radner plays this child who gets scared at night and every time she sees or hears or feels something scary, Bill Murray and Jane Curtin, playing her dad and mom, come in and dispel whatever’s scaring her. If it’s a scary-looking monster, mom and dad turn on the light and show Gilda it’s just her oversize Mac turned inside-out on the chair or if her bed’s shaking, well, the possessed Serta from Hell is actually this band of gypsies sleeping UNDER her bed (I think she gets grounded for a week for that mistake) .

Okay.

“GRANDPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MR. BLOWTOP’S EATING ME ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Son, we were watching Carson!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dean Martin was singing the whole album of The Beatles’ ‘Rubber Soul’. This better be good.”

“It was here a minute ago. It’s over by that poster of Dominique Wilkins dunking on the Cubs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“That isn’t Mr. Blowtop. That’s Fido the Great Dane. We forgot to take his Coach Thorp mask for Halloween. He was trying to lick you.”

 

Sorry, Robmize, I suppressed the urge for so long.

 

Helter Skelter, in The Bucket shelter

The Byrds flew off to a fallout shelter

8 miles high ’til basketball

 

So come on

Gil be nimble

Gil be quick

Gil pole-vaulted over a candlestick cuz

Fire is a bad plot’s only friend

 

And as I watched Gil on the football stage

My hands were clenched in fists of rage

No child born in a well

Could save this Plot from Hell

 

As the flames rode high into the night

To moonlite the Mudlark’s banal rite

I saw Gilberto laughing with delight

The day the music died

 

We were singing, bye bye…

 

Oh boy. We get to watch Quentin tell Barnabas Collins as they’re leaving Collinsport Mansion  for a promenade along the Atlantic that if he eats more Cheerios and less Lucky Charms that he’s less likely to turn into a werewolf. The wind blowing Barnabas’ toupee just makes this Creepiest Moment This Side Of Maine And Closest To Milford that much more dramatic if you’re into the Sports Shorts segment of Dark Shadows.

 

“We’ll be back for the exciting conclusion of ‘Days of Our Lives’ after these messages, here on WDIG-TV.”

“Gosh darn, Chance sureis up to his neck in alligators over his reform school record, isn’t he? And it’s too bad Barnabas Collins can’t rescue him from this pendulum stashed away in the pool room of Coach Shaw’s basement. Man, I need a Holiday Inn towel to cry on this one.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp and don’t you know I have a better solution. At Milford Beverage Warehouse, they have the finest liquors to help cry your blues away without taking out a second mortgage. Believe me, I’ve had liens on my riding mower just to pay off the Dewars Mint Label. Hey, at The Warehouse, we treat you like family. If you don’t pay the tab within a reasonable amount of time, it’s not like they’ll send The Sopranos on the first go-round, particularly if they have a score to settle on some territory in Milford with a rival family. The concrete shoes won’t be for a while. You can relax.

Speaking of credit, if you haven’t signed up yet for Milford Beverage Warehouse Visa Platinum Plus, what are you waiting for? Sonny Corleone to deliver it to your door with a couple of candy mints? Shoot, with all the goodies throughout the store, I know I’m gonna stock up on Falls City Black Label 24-Pack,  Jim Beam Straight From The Sulfur Spring, and Martini & Rossi Sparkling Raspberry Non-Alcohol with my piece of plastic and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve got revolving credit. I can wait until Guy Fawkes Day to pay the minimum.

And now until Thanksgiving, if you wear your 3-piece suit and tie, The Warehouse will give you a free 6-pack of Coors Jerkwater Lite. A taste of the Rockies and it’s on the house? I’m going to get revolving credit at Milford Big & Tall. I’ll pay off the balance every leap year.

Come on, people, get your butt on down here and bring your Armani suit and the kids. Shoot, the only other time you can dress up like this is for church or a funeral. And the Mormon Tabernacle doesn’t distribute free booze.

Come on down, the water’s fine and the credit’s good. Only at Milford Beverage Warehouse.”

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, HIS HAIR, IT’S GOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GRANDPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That isn’t Mr. Blowtop. St. Elmo’s Fire got your portrait of you and Gil. Now go back to bed.

 

Gang, I apologize. I had to work overtime and trying to work in my schtick was a doozy. Thank you SO MUCH for your patience. You all mean the world to me.

 

Bye bye

Hope this plot’s gonna die

Drive this heavy to the levee

Where Gil must close his fly

Then the fans in the stands

Showed their whiskey and signs

Saying

This will be the day

Football

Dies

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