This Week in Milford

May 4, 2022

From a Slick Stop to a Meal Stop

Time for a break from the Milford Witness Protection Program for some actual action.

Central tries to mount a late rally against the Mudlarks by putting on Milford’s uniforms and crowding the plate. This ruse fails as Gonzo Aceves gets the batter in disguise to ground into a game-ending double play. Surprising that Gil and Kaz left Gonzo in to pitch a complete game; maybe they were also too busy watching Mama Hamm take a bullet for Papa Hamm to pay attention to the action on the field.

Menawhile Marty’s in his crate, calling the game using the CB radio he pulled from under the dash of his car and taking notes using a carpenter’s pencil. Guess Marty got it from Heather that everyone’s calling Aceves “Gonzo” now. Though he and his butter knife are long gone The Mayor has left his mark, at least for the rest of this season.

Now it’s off for postgame junk food, either at Ricozzi’s or The Bucket. Will the Hammmmer walk into a pane of glass as he joins the rest of the team? Will Papa Hamm be stuffed in the trunk of the Hammmobile when Mama Hamm comes to pick Gregg up? Will Scooter be too busy bragging about the twin killing he turned to bore everyone to tears with baseball trivia? So much to anticipate for the rest of the week!

March 30, 2022

The Untouchables

More exposition today of Scooter’s love of baseball trivia. Also more indulgence of the Chief’s latest fetish: shoe bottoms. (Speaking of fetishes, have you checked out Rex Morgan lately? What’s up with that?)

Nice discussion of baseball records unlikely to be broken yesterday. Josh Fruhlinger was pretty spot on when he ventured:

I’m not a “sports guy” but the answer to this question has to be pitching-related, right, since they used to put pitchers in 60 games a year or whatever but now they’ve evolved into delicate, crane-like creatures capable of throwing at superhuman speeds but also they need lots of downtime between starts or their hollow bones will explode?

Count me among those who lean toward the early 20th-century pitching records as the least likely to be broken. I’ll add the 110 career shutouts from the man in whom bitterness was never detected.

Scooter seems slightly impressed that Gregg has some grasp of baseball trivia. That “watch your step,” then, isn’t likely some kind of warning to stay of his trivia turf. Thoughtful of Gregg not to make some kind of crack about Scooter’s step-watching ability being a function of his height. Scoot might’ve gone off Barry Bader style.

February 28, 2022

Gil Makes His Move

Gil has been stirred from his default setting of blissful unawareness by Gordon’s disclosure. Initiate Gilbot 2000 Concern Sequence! So now that Gil knows about the gambling situation (plus the potential violence situation) what is his responsibility in this matter. Should this be reported up to the administration of Milford High, so parents can be notified and other steps taken to correctly apply the policies of the school? Nah, ol’ Gil just launches himself straight into action and grabs Pranit out of the classroom to start applying justice Thorpstyle.

C’mon Gil, you can’t soft pedal this, although we haven’t been given any reason to believe that Gil would try to bend the rules to keep Pranit from getting tossed out of school. Has the kid even played any games since the very beginning of the season? We have no clue. Maybe Gil is doing the “right thing” and taking Pranit (who has suddenly gotten a bit darker in skin tone) straight down to the office to let them sort out this ridiculousness.

February 26, 2022

Please Gordon Don’t Hurt ‘Em

“Not exactly, I mean.

A threat should do it, mostly.

Maybe just a hint.”

We’ve hit the home stretch

Finally Gil Thorp’s involved

What took him so long?

For that matter, why

three strips for Pranit to ask

Gordon to be goon?

For that matter, why

is Gordo acting so surprised?

Muscle’s all he’s been!

The king of picking

winners should have gotten all

the money up front

But noOOOo! What a putz!

Where’s he gonna find a goon

On such short notice?

Cressa Baxter? She’d

do it for a Jiffy Tart

Or can of White Claw

Gordon doesn’t know

the difference between what’s

crazy and stupid

Check out Gil’s office

All those empty picture frames

Titles never won

Empty picture frames

or mirrors? Maybe Gil Thorp

is a vampire

(edit: Dunno wth is going on with my spacing; these are haikus and the spacing between paragraphs isn’t showing when I publish. Little help?)

February 23, 2022

The Goon Squad, Part Deux

Who didn’t see this coming? Pranit Rock may know how to bet on sports himself but he doesn’t know how to bet for other people (money up front, you dolt!) or how to collect the money he’s fronted for other people. So now someone else besides Gil could use some muscle and, again, that muscle is taking the form of Gordon Achebe.

Gordon’s been bulking up on what look like pickles^ so he should be ready to pound that Budweiser some welchers, including the John Daly clone and… uh… the… tennis betting girl? Nah, I can’t see that happening. Gordon has shown himself to have some amount of common sense since his debut in the strip, and I don’t see that going away here. Pranit Fitness is gonna have to find some other way to collect on his debts. Maybe he can send the mook who’s gonna come after him in a matter of a couple of days.

How did the Mudlarks do against Madison, btw? The boys have played four, five games tops? Did Pranit Hollywood maintain his confidence from behind the three-point line, or did it wilt like his betting prowess? Probably will never know except in exposition.

^ Interesting table manners there. Who takes a bite out of a burger then sets the burger down with that bite facing away from them? For that matter, who palms an apple like, well, a basketball and takes a bite out of it from top to bottom instead of around its circumference? The Chief needs to knock off his fixation on big hands, pointy fingers and clunky jewelry and focus on how live human beings handle everyday objects. Alright, thinking about this nonsense is giving me a headache. I got nothing more intelligent to add to this today. teenchy out.

February 16, 2022

Some Hints Are Bigger Than Others

Could you be bothered to sort out the botched language in yesterday’s strip? Yeah, me neither, except to figure out that the end-of-game long bank shot caused the team Pranit bet on to not cover the spread. So he lost on a bad beat. Bad beats are statistically unlikely, but don’t tell that to self-righteous Tevin there. He needs to stop smoking whatever he’s smoking there and do the math.

Doesn’t it seem like Tevin’s itching to rat Pranit out to Gil and Kaz? Now there’s a strategy: Getting tired of playing sportsball but don’t want to quit voluntarily? Get a teammate kicked off the team for something that violates someone’s moral code. Bonus points if the teammate is a good player. Miss the playdowns; season ends early; and you look like the better person – or at least the morally superior one.

That gambit may actually play out on the girl’s team. Some rando blonde lady we’ve never seen Mimi introduces Cami Ochoa (which one? there are multiples), who she’s promoting from JV to varsity during the season. This doesn’t happen very often at Milford High; the last one I can think of is the scrawny but speedy football receiver Max Ortiz. Too many bodies on the Lady Mudlark bench now? Time to make room for Cami!

But who has to make room for Cami? How about the one player who, with the exception of one game, hasn’t been playing as well as she had last season? The one who tasted hard seltzer at a party last week? Now Zoomie-in-training Hollis can dime Cressa out and get her kicked off the team. Talented but inexperienced Cami is too little, too late; Milford misses the playdowns; and Hollis looks like the better person – or at least the one who upheld an honor code.

What about Cressa? Collateral damage.

December 13, 2021

The Strange Case Of Admiral Zoomie

The new plot begins with two women doing a walk and talk. Hollis Talley and Cathy Sasaki are simply strolling, but random dudes keep greeting Hollis with random military officer ranks. (Cathy gets a “you too from the first guy. That should lift her spirit.)

There’s nothing to do but speculate at this point. Hollis Talley has probably been named as captain of one of the Mudlark girls’, presumably basketball. Milford idiots tend to react rather performatively about things like this. Rando dudes like goth Patton Oswald and his buddy in Panel 2 heighten the reaction with exaggerated titles. Take some more improv classes, Patton and pal.

Dismayed by the weird greetings, Hollis turns to Cathy and Cathy delivers a cryptic line, “Own it, Zoomie.” Whatever can that mean. What is a Zoomie, someone you Zoom with?

December 6, 2021

Aww. It’s Snot Over

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Heather Burns, Valley Tech, Walking and Talking — nedryerson @ 4:38 am

Looks like we’re sticking with this fall plot until we get a satisfying conclusion. (Ha ha ha. I think I just hurt myself.) We have walking, talking semi-shadowed Tevin and friend interrogating the definition of snot-pounding. Yes, this is exactly the kind of gold that this plot has been giving us that makes it impossible to leave now! Somebody said it standing on top of a table in the cafeteria, so I guess that makes it law. We shall see a snot-pounding. It has be decreed.

Hey, look, it’s Heather Burns! Remember how she was going to revolutionize how Milford sports were covered with he trusty Twitter account? No? Well she was going to cover Milford sports one way or another except we never saw much evidence of that actually occurring. Her she is in Gil’s office in some sort of journalistic mode. Oh no, she’s already falling into the habit of setting Gil up for acerbic comebacks. Oh Heather, of course Gil does actually know how many times in a row Milford has beaten Valley Tech, but it’s Coaching 101 to never dwell on anything in the past and only talk about the next game. Careful Heather, you’re already veering into Marty Moon territory and this will displease Gil.

Gil still has a bunch of bound books in his office sitting on that file cabinet. They look phony though, like someone used the bindings of old volumes to build a false “wall of books”. It looks to be about big enough to conceal four or five bottles of hooch.

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