This Week in Milford

July 8, 2020

Mimi Thorp: Guaranteed to Satisfy

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While I was flat on my back in hospital this past weekend I did manage to keep up with the shenanigans at Milford Town Park, where the Milford – Valley Modified baseball game turned first into a rout then into a pukefest picnic. First the game was interrupted by pizza and drinks, then with a giant sub in the porniest way possible then, finally, with a visit from an ice cream truck with a name straight out of a Cheech and Chong movie and looking like it’s staffed by two Kazakhs and a bear.

As disgustingly as that whole scene played out, it pales in comparison to the victory lap these three mooks are taking in the Milford teacher’s teachers’ lounge. Nice to know that Gil, Kaz and Rooney feel as though buying the Dead End Kids some grub can assuage their guilt over not standing up for The Mayor when he needed it most, effectively screwing up his life for the forseeable future… or have they? What’s this mysterious email Gil’s referring to? Will it help Mike Knappe overcome the stigma of violating a draconian zero-tolerance policy for which none of his teachers or coaches stood up in opposition?

Who knows? All they care about is trying to figure out who sent the ice cream truck to Town Park. Hunkered down with a Popsicle® and a knowing smile, Mimi breaks the fourth wall. She must’ve been the one who stopped Uncle Bud as he was passing by.

 

June 26, 2020

No Mas.

Filed under: actual action, baseball, lessons learned, Walking and Talking — robmize2013 @ 7:49 pm

Well this isnt going quite the way I thought it would– the Mayors team is getting overrun by a Milford club without one of its better players.  I had ideas about a fairly close game where the inferior team pulls off the upset after hanging around and building up the pressure on the more talented side, which finally cracks making a crucial error allowing the winning run to pull off the upset.

Nope. When you dont have pitching and defense, you got nothin.  Even with a sexy backstop with 2 first names.

Its not only an embarrassing rout, its now a farce, as one of Milfords players is taking over on the mound for the Mayor (or so I figure) .

So basically the Larks are ending the competitive portion of the game. Its now just a glorified scrimmage, since no matter what happens from this point, its not Team A vs Team B anymore. So be it. The Mayors team was thrown together in 2 weeks. Milford is a real team who just played a high school varsity season. The worst team they played all season was better then this outfit. Who didnt see this coming?

The Mayor going to center field –  The Ultimate Walk Of Shame.

 

June 9, 2020

Gee, I Wish This Ended.

Filed under: baseball, Fontastic, Gil Thorp, Walking and Talking — tdrewhardin @ 2:35 am

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The plot that won’t stay dead. You can stab it with your butcher knife but you just can’t kill The Beast.

And what makes it worse is that this really wouldn’t happen in the real world, reluctant as I am to say this. This feel-good, no-hard-feelings moment is good Hollywood or Thorpiverse or both that makes for good theater that gets introduced by that lion roaring its head off but no high school athletic association would really sanction this, at least not this late in the season. 2 months ago, The Mayor was playing ball for Milford High School; now he’s been banished to Valley Alternative and not playing for any high school-sanctioned team that we’re aware of. Suddenly, out of the blue, we’re going to conjure up a game that has the blessing of any high school athletic association accompanied by the insurance as a manifestation of that blessing? And we still gotta sign the contracts for the umpires? Good luck.

And I’m not saying pick-up games are out of the question but if we’re really trying to do justice and create a MAIN EVENT atmosphere in this, we might as well see if The Mayor left his spoon in his locker too. He liked to eat his Wheaties when he wasn’t threatening Gil or Kenny Rogers with his butter knife.

And I could still be in this “It can happen” mode anyway if the circumstances leading up to this moment weren’t so daggone ludicrous. The Mayor, questionable as his eating habits were, was expelled on laughable charges, Gil and Kenny rationalized the plot away and we’ve not seen Kenny since he left Milford with Dolly to start another Dollywood in New Thayer, and then we still have Dr. Pearl out on the loose. What the Hell happened to Granny Clampett? Throw students out on the streets, then take your dentures and go home? Just be sure those blueberry pie stains don’t show when you return to the fold, Granny.

Oh, well, as Bob Knight once said, if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it. Have your scorecard handy for this one. Some of the faces on the Valley Alternative are new because it was only yesterday they got caught shipping cocaine over the state line. Should have kept the door in the back of the furniture truck shut. Then the Milford Police would have to go get a warrant. You could flush it all down the sewer line in the meantime.

Well, while we’re waiting for the National Anthem, here’s something from Ernest Goes to Camp

 

Gee, I wish this ended

There’s always some dumb crapshow ’round the curve

I’m awfully mad it’s in suspension

Cuz we all know this bad crapshoot, we don’t deserve

 

And no one knows the thunder is our groaning in disguise

All those clouds running past the field is the rolling of our eyes

 

Gang, I was really intrigued by the country of Monaco, a teeny tiny monarchy surrounded by France on the coast of the Mediterranean Sea. It actually had pizza delivery a la Domino’s Pizza delivery. Hmmmmm. Wondering how they managed to engineer deliveries to nearby countries

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. In Dispute With Papa John’s Pizza Over Latest Misunderstanding!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Why did they have to go through Customs to deliver 20 pepperoni’s? My ‘Switzerland Welcomes Back O.J.’ event was just over the border in Geneva. Did they send the hounds to sniff through every box?”

 

 

Ernest rallies the Second Chancers at Camp Kikakee

“…Boys, we’re gonna beat them Mudlarks at their own game!!!!!!!!! Of course, we might have to jack a few jaws and pass out a couple of knuckle sandwiches, but as soon as the field gets cleared by the Milford Health Department, we’ll give them ‘Larks a serious ass-whuppin’!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Second Chancers dance in a frenzy. Until one of them notices something peculiar.

“Ernest, what are you doing with Coach Thorp’s Visa?”

“Fellas, I need to get some batting equipment and uniforms at Milford Sporting Goods if we’re gonna do any jaw-jackin’ or knuckle-sandwich-distributin’!!!!!!!!!!!!! You think I can afford equipment driving kids around all day in the camp bus for a livin’?”

 

 

“I don’t think this is gonna fly, Gil. A kid gets injured, the State Athletic Association’s got The Shark bangin’ down its door in a lawsuit. Now if you’d told me ahead of time, we coulda worked something out. Hot damn!!!!!!!!!!! Bucket Pile o’ Pancakes are HOW MUCH???????”

“Easy, Commisioner. The school is picking up the tab.”

 

And while we’re getting suited up to take on Ernest and his Second Chancers, taking the Cyrillic entrance because the Roman Alphabet doors were changing their hinges, we evidently are in for an interesting contest. Since Milford Foundry also wants the field because it contains petrocide, a valuable mineral that will light up Milford in the next 10 centuries, the game carries that much more weight. Of course, you have to have a cleanup campaign sponsered by Milford United Way. SOMEBODY’S got to pick up the rubber tires and trashed Christmas trees and junked pickup trucks and beer bottles if you want to pull this off. Gil should have known better when he ditched his Chevy that he drove in high school when he was cruising the streets of Milford as a teenager. Sure, nobody from the Milford Police knows who abandoned the vehicle on the 3rd base side but actions have consequences, Gil. When you trashed your vehicle because you couldn’t pick up any more women in a rusty-bolted contraption because you were no longer a teenager and your precipice hairline could only extend its sex appeal for so long, you still should have said to yourself “Damn, we might have a game under the table in 60 years.” At least, that’s what I would have thought at 3AM and no one’s watching me leave that Chevy with the rest of the chewing gum wrappers on the infield and I’m displaying a now-tepid hairdo. Can’t go back now, Gil.

And our Babe Ruth League shared with our local Parks & Recreation Softball League for usage of our diamond. It was initially a temporary measure to accommodate the overflow of softball teams that the P & R was enduring. Sure, we said, just as long as we can play our games, you can use it. Trouble was, it was getting overused and the field was in horrible shape by the time we got ready to play. Our League President mercifully engineered it back in our sole possession.

But unfortunately, that’s pretty much the case here. For all we know, the way it is being described in P1, there’s potholes aplenty to accompany the roach-infested pile of garbage that will make stretching a single into a double or pulling off that unassisted double play a tad difficult. But Chris and ‘watha, don’t let me stop you. It’s all for a good cause.

 

Mr. Krader and his lawyer show up at the diamond one day

“Why do they need this field? We could have profits run through the roof if I could get my man to run a bulldozer on this worthless piece of grass.”

“Sir, Ernest and the Second Chancers are really fired up about playing Milford. Ernest wants to coach with Gil and this game would give him a lot of exposure.”

“He’d risk his team using a bag of cow manure for 2nd base just so he can learn not to take charge like Gil? Shoot, Let’s bulldoze that other worthless piece of wood first, then let’s run over this ground with the Drott this afternoon.”

“Mr. Krader, I keep telling you. I don’t think there’s any petrocite under the Mudlark gym. I can only hold off the EPA for so long before we get into a nasty legal battle.”

 

One late night at the Kingdom of Monaco Domino’s

BBBBRRRRRRRRRIIIINNNGGGGGG

BBBBRRRRRRRRRIIIINNNGGGGGG

BBBBRRR-

“Thank you for calling Domino’s Pizza, how may I help you?”

Gil is able to negotiate through the heavy French accent the way he dodged the District Board and called his own shots without formal training in School Administration and threw out The Mayor so that The Mayor wound up being the team captain of the Second Chancers

“Uh, yeah, do you deliver to the Barcelona Motel 6?”

“Non, Monsiuer, Spain is just out of our delivery area.”

“I understand. Keri and Jaime, let’s try calling the Domino’s in Marseilles.”

 

And what better way to spice up this nowhere plot than to have Mr. Krader’s son play for the Mudlarks like he is in P2?  I not only don’t want to play this game, I really don’t want Ernest on the sideline in fall next to Kaz at the football game. Coach Shaw may go in and out but when he’s IN, he does do some good coaching. So what if he plays “Love Me, Love Me, Say That You Love Me” on his Jazz guitar at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club? If I can score touchdowns thanks to his play-calling, I’ll accompany him on my tonette I played at Milford Elementary “This Is My Country” recital. Ernest is like Gil, Vern, they both not only have the tackiest tops to grace their heads but when it comes to leadership, you might want to call Krader Industries to dynamite out of the ground. At least the petrocite will make a beacon for Milford so the airplanes can track down the runway at Milford Regional.

 

Mr. Krader and his lawyer at the parking lot at The Bucket

“…Mr. Krader, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Nonsense!!!!! The potential is there!!!!!!!! If they can make excellent Bucket Burgers, why can’t they make an excellent conduit so thaat we can mine the petrocite on their property. Why, with all the electricity, we can light up Milford and make it another Vegas. Sin Capital of the world that’s not in a desert. They’ll be coming in from all over the Valley Conference. I’ll call my foremen and have the backhoes, bulldozers, and cranes by this afternoon.”

“Mr. Krader, can I get a Bucket Banana Split first?”

“Didn’t you just eat????? It’s only been an hour!!!!!!!”

“Sir, your appetite would be shaky too if you had to look at a Mudlark cafeteria lady wearing her hair net backwards while serving Mulligan’s stew.”

 

An FYI, BTW. Mr. Krader’s lawyer in Ernest Goes to Camp was an actor who was also the son of Tennessee Ernie Ford.

 

I surely wish this ended

The inane rhythm intensifies the crud

I verily hope it’s not extended

A wounded warrior looks bad draped with mud

 

We thought we had found meaning in a tall tale that has no friends

What we wanted was a hero, what we got back had no defense

 

 

“Gil, that’s the last of the weeds. What are going to do with all these weeds?”

“Hey, I know. I’ll just dump them on that field across town. Softball and baseball need infield grass anyway. I’ll set my alarm for 2AM.”

 

That makes sense. More stupid is better than less stupid. Heck, the more stupid, the more fun we’re going to have taking on Ernest and his Gang of Losers. And as long as we don’t lose to these losers, this ought to be Disneyland by the final out. We wouldn’t want to hear how we got beat on a bang-bang play that could have gone either way by Ernest for a year. He’ll be in Dr. Pearl’s office begging to be a coach when he’s not genuflecting to be a counselor.

“Ernest, I give you a simple task to deliver my Baseball Field Upkeep Report-Re: Lawn Recertification-2014 file to the Milford School Corporation building downtown and you drive a Peterbilt 389 Tri Axle in Gil’s house. You about scared their kids when they were in the tub. I don’t see how you’ll ever be a coach, am I right, Gil?”

“Totally agree, Dr. Pearl. He’s just not coaching material. He could have at least not taken responsibilty when Mimi came out of the bedroom butt-naked. Then we’d be in my office negotiating.”

 

 

If ya play softball in the Ma-jer Mod-ee-fied Dee-vizh-un on a field with a buncha tow trucks that are parked in centerfield, half of ’em won’t start and ya gotta make liberal use of an-uther tow truck if ya wanna be pitchin’ nd hittin’ the Red Dot’s, ya might be a redneck.

 

I also observed that the Country of Monaco has a Sexy Taco eatery within the borders. With that in mind

 

At the Hotel de Paris-Monte Carlo, Marty and Peaches are in a room where you can see the Mediterranean Sea and Dr. Pearl’s garage. The night belongs to lovers

“Boy, what a way to spend my stakeholder’s check from my place of employment. WDIG can be pretty damn generous when you prove to be a loyal employee. Drink up, Peaches. I paid $187.23 for the fresh strawberries and Perpignon Chablis et Merlot dans le Vallee de Lyon-Decaf. Don’t you dare waste a drop. I can always drop my pants at a later date.”

“Oh, Marty, you say the dirtiest things. I will savor the cherries and the kumquats too because I know you paid extra. You even tipped the bell boy $100 when he added Bosc pears to the Chevaux de Mer Vin et L’eau. You didn’t have to do this for little ol’ me.”

“I spared no expense. I can always cash another stakeholder’s check au demain at le Banc de la France and get a generous currency exchange if il Banco dell’Italia isn’t open because they’re celebrating la morte del fascismo because they’re glad il duce croaked. And tonight, after I’ve had my way with you, I can order some chimichangas we can dig into without removing the sheets by phoning in the order at Sexy Tacos Unlimited. They come right to your bed and I can tip them with a twenty, a spare bucket of wine, and some Gala apples.”

“Marty, that’s enough!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m getting hotter than the helicopter that flies onto the Monte-Carlo heliport!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s dance!!!!!!!!!!”

“You pressed the right button, Woman!!!!!!!!!”

Peaches notices that Marty needs more ice to chill what hasn’t been hardened since Sexy Tacos Unlimited opened for business when free trade came to Europe

“Marty, I think you better call room service again. You might have to pay $353.45 for a pill out of the EREC-3T00 box but it’s better than getting a burned chipotle tamale from Sexy Tacos Unlimited. I don’t want you to use another stakeholder’s check to pay for the damaged bedsheets.”

“Peaches, I am harder than a wine bottle. Can’t you pretend you are getting violated by Ernest Gallo?”

“I bet he had a pin oak log between his legs that we could add to the fireplace in the room. That and some Wrigley’s cost $231.76. But if I want to get violated by some Spearmint, I’ll just spend my life savings on the whole pack of gum, not try to get ecstasy from it.”

“Peaches, I’ll buy some Filet Mignon avec Pommes de Terre Au Gratin avec Torte de Orange Petites dans L’Immersion de Creme Fraise if you’ll reconsider. I only have to spend $542.01 after my flight discount. Milford Travel Agency worked in my best interests.”

“Even if I partake of fine French cuisine and eat the Florida oranges, we’re still going to the gaming tables tomorrow. You wanna lie and tell the tourists you had sex because you bribed me with a Chipped Quesadilla you paid the delivery guy from Sexy Tacos Unlimited with a Milford Federal Travelers Cheque? What if they put 2 and 2 together and come up with $373.68?”

 

“She had me there. I paid $498.54 at Monte-Carlo Rent-a-Car and beelined down to the apothecary in Genoa, Italia where Milford Men’s Clinic EREC-3T00 was sold OTC. Thank God I wasn’t charged by the mile. I got up and up and we just went to town each night. Sexy Tacos Unlimited did more business with us than with their drive-thru. I bet nobody forked over $211.65 for a taco at the window. I’d shift my gears out of the drive-thru also. Come get your own Steak Fajita and not lose an arm or or your IRA in the process. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.

 

Gang, I still think Ernest and the Second Chancers might pull an upset. In the meantime, God bless you all.

 

“Mr. Krader, you can’t win this. Even though the Second Chancers lost, 73-0, Ernest got accepted to the coaching staff at Milford High School. And Milford Pest Control exterminated all the roaches and mice. No more rats under home plate. Let’s cut our losses on this plot and invest in oil. Prices are going back up.”

“Ahhhhhhh, Ballard’ll resurface anyway and nail Ernest on that sexual escapade in the men’s room at Milford Lounge and he won’t have to hack into the School Board computer. Let’s get out of here.”

 

 

Somewhere in Europe

“Gil, they won’t deliver to Liechtenstein. Duties are too expensive. Did you call Pizza Hut?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 20, 2020

“Pardon My Funk” Is…

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a) The title of a lost George Clinton album

b) The tag line for an Old Spice deodorant ad campaign

c) An awkward way to rebut your handsy, unhelpful ex-coach’s unsolicited advice

Seriously, Mike needs to tell Gil to:

 

Gil’s rebuttal takes its own funky form, in so many words:

 

This is inspiring? And what’s with the sudden exposition that Mike already had a college acceptance in the bag? Gil’s little visit just became even more unnecessary.

Now move along, Captain Obvious, and let Mike walk off into the sunset by… wait, what? There’s still a good month and a half left in the spring arc. There’s still baseball left to play. Softball, too. Remember, it was Lady Mudlark success that led The Mayor to a life of crime. Come on, Rubin! Less Mary Worth, more Jayson Werth, IYKWIMAITYD.

May 19, 2020

G-G-Gil Is Truly Inspiring To Our G-G-Generation.

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Milford Idiots, Walking and Talking — tdrewhardin @ 12:31 pm

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With “Boris The Spider” blaring over the intercom at Mudlark Softball practice

“Put the tailgate down!!!!!!!!! That’s the 3rd grounder that’s left the infield!!!!!!!!!!”

Way to take destiny by the throat, Mimi.

 

At WDIG-TV Studio where The Smothers Brothers Hour is being broadcast

“Yeah, I really love these guys. I saw them perform at The Bucket and I called Dick immediately and told him we had to have them on the show. Keith smashing his drum kit into the Bucket Ice Cream dispenser did it for me. And they call themselves The Who. Like ‘Who is Gil?’ Yeah, nice ring to it. So anyway, let’s meet the members of the band. So what’s your name?”

“Mike.”

“Mike? So where you from, Mike?”

“Milford.”

“Right here in Milford-”

“No, Milford, England.”

Audience canned laughter

“Gee, I didn’t know there were Mudlarks on the other side of The Pond. Does the softball team sit on their asses in the Land of Poets too? (Audience canned laughter) So, Mike, I like how you do those guitar twirls when you went into a tornado at The Bucket on ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’. You about swept the pickles off of Gil’s Bucket Chicken Cacciatore Sandwich. Man, how do you do that?”

“That was bowling. I picked up a lot of ten pins at Milford Lanes and learned ‘I Can’t Explain’ simultaneously. Midnight League Bumper Bowling Champs and I could recite ‘Sister Disco’ on my guitar in my sleep.”

“Yeah, I can tell.”

Audience canned laughter

“Plus, I ate a lot of Honeycomb. I mixed that in with Mudlark Wild Cherry Protein Bars and some Tropicana and we tore up the town of Leeds. Naturally, that was after we got banned from the Holiday Inn at New Thayer.”

“Gee, if I ate Lucky Charms and T-bone steak and a tub of Bob Evans Mashed Potatoes that I threw in the microwave, I guess I’d have the urge and energy to drive a Cadillac into Milford Marriott Town Suites pool too.”

Audience canned laughter

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Keith Moon Plunges His Chrysler New Yorker Into Milford High School Natatorium!!!!!!! Valley Conference Swimming Meet Rescheduled For June 15th!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford District Board postpones hearing with The Mayor and his attorneys to assess damage.”

 

And did you ever notice whenever we go out the in door that Mrs. Kravitz’s house is always across the street/next door with a lattice work separating the yards/behind the Gteen Giant Frozen Vegatable Section Cauliflower bushes? Thorpiverse has a way of transplanting modulars based upon the mood of the plot.

Right now, in his character you understand, as The Mayor positing that all real estate appraisers drive a pickle wagon, Mrs. Kravitz must be having a field day snooping out the window.

“Abner!! Abner!!!! There’s Gil. I wonder what he’s going to do with The Mayor.”

“Gladys, relax. I’ll bet Gil will tell him what a horse’s butt he’s been. Or maybe that’ll work the other way around.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure. I heard the Milford Police report that there was a child molester on the loose. Someone with idle time on his hands. Eyewitnesses said he liked to hang out on the verandah and drink Falls City and indulge in his jock itch when he wasn’t plugging his wife. Out in public? And I’ve always wondered what Gil does when he’s not non-coaching. And when he adjusted his jock strap before he rang the doorbell, that just aroused my suspicions.”

“Whatever. Did you ever call the Milford Tree Service people? We need to worry more about that tree in the backyard getting trimmed so it don’t wind up in Mr. Wilson’s backyard before we worry about the pimples on Gil’s butt.”

 

Coach Kaz catching Gil in the hallway, beset with a question

“Gil, there’s an ugly rumor floating around that says you can coach.”

Audience canned laughter

 

I am sad to report the death of Fred Willard. The man was simply hilarious. As Jerry Hubbard on Fernwood 2 Night and later, America 2 Night, plus in excellent roles on Modern Family and Best in Show, he had a way with the funnybone. He influenced a lot of people and I promise you he will leave a legacy. He proved you could laugh and stay true to yourself as he was a solid person off the screen. RIP, Mr. Willard.

 

Blasting “Face Dances” from Dr. Pearl’s office, Ms. Rizk knocks on the door, then barges in when Dr. Pearl is heard singing

EVERYONE CALLS ME THE QUIET ONE, I DO REPORTS BUT YOU CAN’T GET THROUGH ME

“Uhhhhh, here’s The Mayor’s test grades that you requested.”

“Thank you. Just put them next to the stack that says Behavior Trends Report-Mike Knappe(2019). Ms. Rizk, I never knew John Entwistle wrote songs.”

“You learn something new every day. Well, I’ll see you at the District Board meeting.”

 

“So now we come over to the singer and boy, I understand he can belt it out when he’s not erecting stupid billboards. So tell me, what is your name?”

“Bobby.”

“And where you from?”

“Oz.”

Audience canned laughter

“You certainly made a jackass out of yourself on the Marty Moon Show on your way to see The Wizard.”

“When The Wizard wasn’t coaching anymore, I was willing to take my chances. And he looked just as pitiful on that big screen he was screaming SILENCE out of as he was calling the give-and-go.”

“Yeah, I can relate. I called Dick a pantywaist on Moon’s show and said my mom always liked him better and could coach better than Mimi. I got suspended for a week by the FCC so we’re in good company.”

Audience canned laughter

 

And it’s time to play “Guess The Scenery”. This is one Wink Martindale bypassed to host “Are You Smarter Than a Mudlark?”.

Thorpiverse would have you believe that this is nouveau-riche piece of construction and the window is merely adding to the aesthetic value, given its geometry and design. But Thorpiverse likes to also play “six of one, half-dozen of the other”. Therefore, they could be looking out the widespread opening of the Milford Detention Center and their son is being carted off in a bus towards Shawshank. Oh, and Gil is inspiring, boy, I’D be warmed to the gills on that footnote when I’m riding in the back of the bus to avoid the triple-lifers and armed and dangerous and the post office top ten list that are all riding up front. Keep your chin up and play nobody’s fool. And we’ll keep trying to call Hadley V. I’m already reassured. Remind me to call Gil to take his collection of Guideposts whenever I am shipped to the Milford Pen.

But hey, Gil’s big in Japan.

 

People trying to understand this p-p-plot

Not clear if either Gil or The Mayor should be s-s-shot

They should apologize for this c-c-consternation

Gil is nondescript for this g-g-generation

 

If ya show up on The Smothers Brothers because ya wanna see The Who trash the stage ta remind ya what the inside of yore home looks like at Milford Trailer Park and yore willin’ a give Loony Moonie yore fishin’ rod ta smash in a couple more amplifiers, ya might be a redneck.

 

Isn’t that just romantic? Mr. and Mrs. Knappe watching their son and Gil ride off into the sunset to inject hope into this plot. Brings a tear to my eye. Just like Todd Rundgren says, we need just one victory and we’re on our way. Food for thought in P2 as they go back to their living unit at Milford Miminum Security for Married Couples. Living for the moment.

 

DRUGS AND SEX AND BOOZE DON’T IMPRESS MY MAN AT ALL

…PLAYING RECORDS

PLAYING RECORDS…

“Dr. Pearl, the cafeteria lady wanted to know if you wanted cream in your coffee?”

“No, I always drink it black. Do you need another hall pass?”

 

Why don’t this all f-f-fade away

Not try to rise another d-d-day

This leaves the readers out in the c-c-cold

Hope it dies before it gets old

 

I always love the Kansas’ “Song For America refrain” sunsets like we’re seeing in P3. I’m almost confident this wouldn’t be the time Gil and Mimi appear on Divorce Court. And when The Mayor was in his pity party until the doorbell rang, did anyone really expect the Avon lady? Jehovah’s Witness? That’ll win the case at the District Board fer sure, flash the latest issue of Watchtower to show all concerned that this convicted felon who butters his sourdough bread with Chiffon has cleaned up his record. He’s got my vote.

No, anytime Gil appears at the doorway with the Moody Blues’ Sur la Mer album background, he and The Mayor aren’t taking Muench’s car down to Milford Grease Monkey for an oil change. Not too many conversations that accuse the other party of being an idiot will likely lead to discussions on replacing the wiper blades. This is heart-to-heart-talk time.

“…AND I’M TIRED OF YOUR PISS-POOR ATTITUDE!!!!!! IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO GROW UP AND BE A MAN!!!!!!! BTW, how’s about me and you hitting Milford Lounge? I heard Happy Hour is serving some delicious clam appetizers.”

 

“And over here we have COACH SHAW???? What happened to Entwistle????”

“He couldn’t make it. He’s on the District Board and the meeting’s tonight.”

 

…not trying to cause a b-b-big sensation

Talkin’ ’bout G-G-Gil’s g-g-generation

 

“And we’ll be back for more of The Kids Are Alright, a documentary about the Mudlark Baseball team, after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“Y’know, kicking a player in the ass never is easy. It flares up the corns in my toes and is a downer to the player. And sometimes moralizing and giving heartfelt sermonettes work up a thirst and Gatorade won’t cut it.

Hi, this is Coach Thorp for the Milford Beverage Warehouse. I hate to have to go over to somebody’s house and call him a wussy. I’d rather sell Girl Scout Cookies. That’s why I always have a place to unwind and buy my favorite liquors so that I can ease the strain from breaking it to a guy that he isn’t mentally tough enough to block home plate.

And they won’t block these specials. How ’bout a 30-Pack of Bud Light in the 12-oz. cans for a ridiculously low $20.49? After having to inform The Mayor that he’s going to have to have a lethal injection, a Bud in my hand while Mimi is sitting on my lap on the chaise lounge helps wipe away the memory.

And if that isn’t strong enough to keep your stomach from churning, then Smirnoff Vodka 1.75 L for a generous $19.99 is just the ticket. It’ll come in handy when I’m downing a shot glass or two in the parking lot before the District Board meeting.  Throw in a chaser and pleading the case for The Mayor at the Open-Mike session will make me Clarence Darrow anytime. The deciding factor in the Scopes Trial, I’m led to believe.

And some of you wine-and-cheese people who like to go to Milford City Park after the proceedings and discuss the finer points of the law and not give a hoot whether The Mayor gets reinstated will enjoy Liberty Creek Merlot in the 750 Ml bottles for a bargain, only $7.99. Enjoying conversation at the expense of someone getting shipped to reform school couldn’t be cheaper.

Hey, don’t take my word for it. When you get tired of holding somebody’s hand because he’s a mama’s boy who didn’t get out of the playpen, come on down and check out the deals and the booze. Put away Our Daily Bread and enjoy The Good Life here at The Warehouse and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

 

Thanks, Gang, for all you are. I still think Entwistle plays a better bass than Coach Shaw but that’s one man’s opinion. Definitely can’t hold his jock on “Magic Bus.” Play one note for 8 minutes? Stick to cameo coaching, Shaw.

 

“And on the drums we have, what is your name?”

“Keith.”

“Keith?”

“That’s right. My friends call me Keith. You can call me Gil.”

Audience canned laughter

I just as soon call you a cab.”

Double audience canned laughter

 

A Milford Luxury Furniture box truck sinks to the bottom of the Thorp’s sun deck swimming pool

“Gil, has Keith been in our back yard again?”

May 12, 2020

Peter Pan, An Ordinary Table Knife, And District Tomfoolery, Not Necessarily In That Order.

051220

At the District School Board meeting at Mudlark Lake Resort and Hadley V. Baxendale and Clarence Darrow representing The Mayor and William Jennings Bryan representing District Policy, a buzzword Dr. Pearl threw out one day when she was losing lines in the script and had to scramble for a reason why she should still be a part of the personnel at Milford High School and didn’t want to get bunked by Mr. Weatherbee who doesn’t confront Archie and Jughead with expulsion reports in triplicate

“The meeting will be called to order. The board recognizes the President of the Board, King Herod.”

 

Mister Mayor, it’s nice to meet you, we are finally in this room

We have heard much about you from the cradle to the tomb

And now your dietary artistry is presently on display

We’d love to watch you gulp a cow, at least that’s what you say

 

So if you are The Mayor

Yes, The Wonderful Mayor

Prove to us that you’re no fool

Eat the whole big brick high school

 

If you show it to us

Then we won’t cause a fuss

Come on, King of the ‘Larks

 

The exploding eye says it all. And who can blame him? Minutes before, he’s on the baseball field warming up and now he’s not only told to hand in his uniform but he can no longer enter the school because he’d be trespassing. Of course, Gil is trespassing because he does no coaching but so far he has not had to call Hadley V. Yet.

Why didn’t it surprise any of us? Dr. Gonzo was twiddling her thumbs like she had since the Renaissance and The Mayor was creative and disgusting in his choice of breakfast so it was just a matter of time before their paths would cross. You knew that when Dr. Gonzo showed up on the baseball diamond, it wasn’t to bring Z in the lineup to shut down the rally. I wouldn’t want Dr. Spock coming to the mound when I’m pitching, asking for the ball, fer sure.

“Dr. Pearl, you’re dressed like Devo. Is somebody getting Due Processed?”

 

Because I’m a little befuddled about pet stores selling animal vitamin supplements

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Fined Severely By The Milford City Works Council After Incident At Fire Hydrant.”

sub headline

“I knew I should have gone easy on the Ex-Lax with my poodle.”

 

And as long as we keep ringing up the charges, we might as well add carrying another concealed weapon, i.e., eyes that explode out of their socket. Boy, Dr. Pearl is having a field day today. She hasn’t warranted this much attention since she received Paper Pusher Lifetime Achievement Award from the Milford Kiwanis Club. Way to take charge, Dr. Gonzo. Your moment in the sun is fleeting and could disappear by the time Marty Moon hits the airwaves. Too bad you don’t have a sexy goatee on your chin or you might have bought some time. Maybe that explains why Marty never has to revert to sticking his cranium right back in his ass. Image is everything. Get the hint, Gonzo. Who sits at the bleachers at a ball game dressed like Granny Clampett in her space suit? No wonder why you’ll eventually have to return your beehive right back in its socket. What a career. Nailing a guy on threatening the hallways with his peanut butter knife and his pupils is the benchmark of an educational journey well-spent.

I remember in The Enforcer where Dirty Harry is interviewing potential police officers to roam the streets of San Francisco and Tyne Daly plays one of the candidates being interviewed. There’s a delegate from the City to monitor the interviews to make sure women candidates are given a fair shake. Harry’s final question is basically Harry is committing prostitution with this delegate and a donkey at Harry’s house and Harry asks the candidate what crime is being committed. She rattles off the correct interpretation, more than satisfying The Board’s (and Harry’s) question.

Ooooooookkkkkk, so at Dr. Pearl’soffice, Gil poses a question for The Mayor

“Okay, Aceves threatens to commit prostitution with Ms. Rizk and an elephant if you don’t start calling him Z but you retaliate by saying that if he has anal sex with Dumbo that you’ll blast him with your eyeballs and cut up Ms. Rizk with your Jif knife. Do you know what crime the District Policy charged you with?”

“That’s a felony under Milford School Handbook guidelines Section 8, Article 12, Clause 134 stating ‘No student is permitted to bring any animal on school premises and execute illicit, illegal, immoral, and questionable activity with said animal. Penalties could lead to up to and including expulsion. Prostitution with another teacher is a misdemeanor under Milford School Gu-”

“Yes, yes, acceptable answers, Mr. Krappy-”

KNAPP-uh

“Good answers, Mr. Krackerjack. We will inform you of the Disttrict Board’s decision on Tuesday. My beehive should be permed out of Milford Beauty Salon by then.”

 

You have a reputation, you amaze with your Thermos jug

You can swallow Trix and ale, then sweep it under the rug

Oh ho ho, we are waiting, yes, we are captive fans

We’re dyi g to be shown that you inhale grapes from a can

 

So, if you are The Mayor, yes, The Fabulous Mayor

Spread epoxy on your bread, you can do it on your head

If you show it to me, then we’ll let you go free

Come on, King of the ‘Larks

 

If ya shoot an 8-point with your eyeballs and ya can git around the Game Warden cuz ya shot it in the off-season but it didn’t involve any weapons, ya might be a redneck.

I wouldn’t to get on the bad side of Mrs. Krappy right about now. She’s throwing her whole FACE at Dr. Gonzo while Gonzo is showing us the proper positioning were she sitting in her personal loo. Thank God, she’s not wiping her butt in the scheme of things. I wouldn’t even be squeezing the Charmin.

And what’s adding crap to Charmin is that the wind has been taken out of The Mayor’s sails and who can blame him? I’ll admit he was a fly in your ointment who flew around with some questionable meal combos, I mean, don’t order these combos at The Bucket drive-thru. Big Macs and Krylon with something to drink really isn’t too appetizing (“Would you like to make that a large combo for a dollar more?”) . No Diet Pepsi and Glidden Paint, thank you.

But face it, The Mayor is getting the shaft. It’s why I personally feel zero-tolerance has its shortcomings. If a teacher doesn’t like you, you could say that you will make him read Gil Thorp: The Lost Years if he doesn’t give you an “A” for the course and that teacher automatically say you were threatening him. It doesn’t take much to start the fire.

“Okay, The Board would like you to talk about your latest felony arrest.”

“I’ve never made one.”

“Well, then maybe you’ll tell The Board your latest misdemeanor arrest.”

“I’ve never done that either.”

THEN DR. PEARL, WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO BE A PRINCIPAL OR A POLICEMAN SINCE YOU DON’T TAKE CHARGE AT EITHER ONE???????

“You think Granny Clampett ought to be skinning the squirrrels for dinner when she isn’t scouring her Dr. Spock outfit on the scrub board, is that it, Harry?”

“Gil, what do you think this is? Bert and Ernie? I want to know Dr. Pearl’s reaction when Teddy Blue points a gun at her and says “READ ‘GIL’S SEX LIFE IN 30 WORDS OR LESS’ OR I’LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Dr. Pearl’s place is at the copying machine in the faculty lounge, is that it?”

“Better than getting your ass blown off at the Milford High School Soccer Complex!!!!!!!! Her space suit doesn’t belong in the pitch!!!!!!!!”

“It’s my space suit!!!!!!!! My grandmother knitted it when she wasn’t lathering grandpa’s beard with soap and dye and putting it next to the deer skins to be tanned in the log cabin.”

“Yeah, and my sex life could fill 2 paragraphs.”

 

“Gil, Lassie pooped in the yard again.”

“Okay, I’ll cut back the dosage on the Ther-a-Gram.”

 

I am trying to be nice. I promised my mom I’d be nice (not really, but it sounds good) . But when Mrs. Krappy is directly confronting Dr. Pearl and threatening her with a lawyer, you’d expect the desk to be facing straight ahead. And we know that’s a phone to the left so it doesn’t qualify in the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. It DOES qualify, desk and phone in the entire package, in the Pantheon of Mysterious Angles. As long as I’m going to get blown away with strong admonitions, I’d like for the desk to not be at right angles with the phone or the desk proving Lobachevsky’s Theorem. Next time can the sides of the desks be supplementary angles to each other? Otherwise, that black underpinning under Dr. Pearl’s desk isn’t the only enigma we’re trying to solve in the Milford Mensa Society Manual Appendix.

 

We’d only ask things we’d ask any SuperMayor

What food you drink each night to bed that puts you way up there

Don’t be shyyyy, there’s talent in those veins

You can down a legume shake if you’ll only take the reins

 

So if you are The Mayor

The Infallible Mayor

Prove to us that you’re inspired

Pour some syrup on your tires

 

That’s all you must do

Then we’ll know it’s all true

Come on, King of the ‘Larks

 

This is about as chickenshit as Gil has gotten in a while. Not only has he done zilch coaching, now he’s going to add fuel to the fire by cleaning out The Mayor’s locker. Boy, what nerve. Makes me want to throw the Healthy Choice Chicken Breast Tenders and Mashed Potatoes that The Mayor has stuffed in his locker at Gil. I’ll save that little brownie that comes in all those dinners and mess up Dr. Pearl’s beehive with it so that it looks like a gigantic brown turd to exemplify her mentality. Roan hornet’s nests and paper-pushing will never go hand-in-hand any suaver.

“Archie, have you seen Ms. Grundy’s hair? We better tell the ‘Bee that she drank too much Milk of Magnesia again in Study Hall.”

“I agree, Jughead. She only has so many teeth. Don’t want that to get browner than her hair. That stuff can spread all over her body. We have enough bullshit at Riverdale.”

 

Ooooooookkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back for Match Game 2020 to resume this plot back to where it rightfully belongs. Take her away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought Coach Thorp was going to her son’s locker to remove the _________________________.”

 

I hope you sleep well, Gil.

 

“And we’ll be back to see what items will be taken out of Archie’s locker including his rancid jock straps with months-old brown stains on them and his Orville Redenbacher Gasohol-Popped Popcorn after saying that Coach Kleats puts Geritol in his Maxwell House for breakfast after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

 

“Folks, I didn’t want to do it. Mike Krapper was like a son to me. But when he enticed Keri and Jaime to listen to Springsteen’s ‘Jungleland’ that was blasting out of his car speakers, I had to draw the line. I’m not having him flash a Gibson like a table knife just to sell a record, let alone find a spot on the roster.”

But that’s a Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out for now. We’ll have more of ‘Darkness on the Edge of Town’ and ‘Tunnel of Love’ to listen to at the District Board Meeting.

But listen to this!!!!!!!!!!!! You don’t need to bring in ‘Ballad of Tom Joad’ on your Close ‘n’ Play to take advantage of these fantastic deals at Milford Beverage Warehouse. And the deals just got sweeter. For every $25 purchase, you’ll receive absolutely free vitamin supplements for your pet from Milford Pet Supply.

Folks, sometimes your mutt needs a little incentive to keep on licking his master. That’s why a purchase of a 24-Pack of Michelob Ultra plus a couple of cans of Falls City Dark out of the machine will get you a healthy portion of Green Coast Lickables and Supplements. That’s right, if your pooch has iron-poor blood, you won’t have to worry about mixing the pills in with his Alpo, you can watch your pooch  lick it straight out of the bowl while you’re downing a brewski on your recliner. Like Dave Brubeck used to sing, life’s so free and easy.

Want to see your pet rid of fleas? Sure, we all do. Purchase 2 12-Packs of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and not only can you party the night away, you can watch your kitty or German shepard sleep in its bed peacefully, thanks to Petlock Max Flea and Tick Preventatives and Supplements. No more watching you get down to The Trampps’ ‘Disco Inferno’ only to get interrupted because Rin Tin Tin is scracthing his ears for the 28th time at the bacchanalian venture. A bloodhound feeling regular with good bowel movement and liberated from fleas and ticks makes things easier to take when the Milford Police raid the celebration.

But some poodles and tabbies have problems from the other end. Believe me, it’s no fun watching my dogs and cats sneeze all over the floor and have to eventually call Milford 24-Hour Carpet Cleaning Incorporated and have the house roped off all day. You can only do so much hiking with your kids at Milford Nature Center. The Milford Petting Zoo only has so many animals. No orangutans to keep the kids entertained.

That’s why a purchase of 2 Jose Cuervo’s in the 750ml containers comes in handy when you’re wanting NaturVet Allergy Supplements. Talk about Lassie taking Ny-Quil. I no longer have to worry about 2 carpet cleaning guys attach hoses with their cracks obvious enough for my kids to be making jokes because my dog didn’t have a Kleenex. I’ll down a bottle of Cuervo while Mimi is drinking her Squoze on the patio anytime.

But don’t take my word for it. Come and get your own slice of The Good Life and Doggie and Kitty odor sprays so that everybody is one big happy family. And what makes it nicer, your Visa Gold is welcome anytime. Come on, don’t be afraid to use your plastic on booze and Sentry WormX supplements. That sounds environmentally friendly to me. Come on down to our environment and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

Yes, you mean the world to me but, no, I ain’t helping Coach Thorp on this one. He’s on his own.

 

Heeeyyyyyyyyyyyy

You are not The Mayor

No, you haven’t the flair

You’re not a player

Or a student

Just a stupid little rodent

Take him away

He has nothinng to say

Get out King of the

Oh, leave The Board alone you King of the

Go sell your recipes at The Bucket

King of the ‘Larks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

At the Thorp household one fine morning

“Mommy, that man with the steam cleaner has a butt bigger than Daddy’s.”

“Kids!!!!!!!!!! I think I just heard the Milford Ice Cream truck pull up!!!!!!!! Here’s $5!!!!!! Go get some popsicles!!!!!!!!”

May 6, 2020

From hero to zero quicker than you can say “Um… sure.”

gt05052020

So, yeah, this did turn out to be about the kind of idiot that brings a knife and a jar of peanut butter into a classroom. Mike didn’t bring the butter knife to try out for the Milford High Drama Club’s presentation of Sweeney Todd, we know that much. Neither did he get it from the MHS cafeteria; it only serves gruel finger foods that don’t require cutting.

Now it’s time for a trip down the corridors of zero tolerance, led not by the passive-aggressive snitch Rooney who got the ball rolling but by Gildeaux and his Hamburger Helper helping hand oven mitt. If I’m The-Soon-to-be-recalled-Mayor I’m telling Mister Coach Thorp to take that mitt off me and get on the Hadley V. Baxendale hot line, stat. She works wonders at getting kids around school regulations, or so I’ve heard. She’s also probably tired of sheltering in place with Jaquan Case, whose NBA season has been suspended.

If only the Thorpiverse’s Michigan reflected today’s reality Michigan. Forget the butter knife and Nutso; Knappe could probably show up on campus in his best Blain’s Farm & Fleet camo toting an AR-15 and not only not get in trouble but get called “a very good person” in the process. (Yeah, I went there. – t)

 

 

 

April 3, 2020

He’s the mayor

Famous mayors:

  1. Harry Caray- the mayor of Rush Street
  2. Hank Sauer – the Mayor of Wrigley Field
  3. Augustus Maywho – the mayor of Whoville
  4. Ed Koch – mayor of New York City
  5. Richard J Daley – mayor of Chicago
  6. This dude

And all the other mayors were surely less of a douchbag then this guy is gonna turn out to be. Even the mayors in this strip blow.

Floor design is weird in P1. Who has floor patterns like that?

P2 – what the hell kind of question is that? Its not even a sweater. I have a similar shirt; its NOT a sweater.

I hate this guy already.

 

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