This Week in Milford

October 20, 2021

You Can’t Make Chicken Salad Out Of Boyd Spiller

We’re deep in “teenagers are dumb and do dumb things” territory so I guess we have no choice but to suspend disbelief and see how this unfolds. Why Tevin feels the need to not only tolerate Boyd’s taunts but also encourage his schemes to fix a problem that doesn’t exist is beyond me.

What exactly is the goal of Spiller’s hypnosis? To get Tevin to tuck the ball and run whenever he sees an open receiver? Or to see nothing, thanks to the retinal damage done by staring at Boyd’s MagLite? Better to squawk like a chicken than squeal like a pig, which is what I think Boyd’s teammates are gonna do to him after this little parlor trick backfires.

Pantheon of Hair tag today for Tevin, whose ‘do is starting to reach Esquerita heights. Don’t know who Esquerita was? Time to find out!

October 9, 2021

#truerthantrue

When it comes to convos, does depressing beat boring? Tevin’s fixing to find out! He might’ve found Kianna depressing, but Chance Macy has already put the kid sitting next to him asleep before Tevin even showed up.

Let’s not mince words, gentle readers: as Milford sports stars come, Chance Macy has been a pretty boring one. Except for getting situationally mad and going off on a Tilden cheap-shot artist, he’s been completely low-key. The whole Charlie Roh/Chet Ballard thing barely fazed him, and nothing else has since.

Maybe that’s by design. Have we seen someone so explicitly anti-their own postsecondary educational and athletic futures since Golden Boy True Standish’s #gottabetrue campaign attempted to set the college recruiting machine on its ear? Why yes, I think we have. Just like Little Miss Fire Hydrant this past spring, Chance will have his future decided for him by his parent/guardian and a coach named Thorp.

I can only imagine Rubin keeps feeding us these aw-shucks types ’cause he imagines his GRIT-reading base eats ’em up like flapjacks, but for once I’d like to see a college prospect in the Thorpiverse whose approach falls somewhere between this faux humility and the Jaquan Case hype machine.

September 25, 2021

Where Were You the Day The Bucket Got Its Liquor License?

teenchy here. Dunno where robmize is. I’ve got a busy afternoon and evening ahead of me so I’m not gonna wait any longer and put up a double post. I’ll be traveling next weekend so hopefully rob, or Ned, or tdrew can cover for me then. Heck, maybe even timbuys could pop back in for a cameo. (Tim, you out there bud? Miss you here in the rotation.) Anyhoo, on with the show.

September 24, 2021

No clue who Chance’s blocker Gordon Achebe is IRL (any relation to the famed author of Things Fall Apart?) but Kimberly Gordon-Achebe is Program Director of the University of Maryland Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Fellowship and consultant of the Programs for Assertive Community Treatment (PACT)-child division.  There was a Gordon Achebe on the team last year, but he looked a little different back then. This year’s Gordon isn’t about picking sides in a QB controversy but more about covering for his triple-threat backfield teammate, Chance Macy.

Chance has been around since 2019 so we really shouldn’t be learning much of anything new about him. He lives with his grandparents; his parents haven’t been in the picture and he doesn’t hold them in high regard. He has (or at least had) anger management issues. He got plenty of exposition during that season while Chet Ballard tried to smear him to win his stepson some playing time and his love.

Heather was in Iowa while all this was happening, so it’s news to her. Maybe she should take that superfluous finger off her temple and use it to Google some of Marjie’s old articles from the past two seasons before she decides it’s news for Star readers. Off to The Bucket for postgame festivities…

September 25, 2021

… and a surprise appearance from Kianna Bello, who apparently had back-to-back sports practices but got to catch the Mudlark football game. Guessing volleyball practice came first; there’s no way Mimi would schedule an event that conflicted with Gil’s! No, Mudlark sports reign supreme, and Mudlark football reigns the supremest. It doesn’t take an Alexa Watson to figure out that Kianna will be dropping gymnastics quicker than you can say “I’ll take my Bucket Daiquiri in a go-cup, please and thank you.”

Passed out face-down in a booth isn’t a good look on a star athlete. Either learn to hold your liquor or stop burning the candle at both ends. All that’s missing from this amusing scene is a puddle of drool coming from Kianna’s mouth.

September 4, 2021

Heather Burns Throws Worse Than a Girl!

I mean, come on! Look at that form! Gil tosses Heather a foil-wrapped chocolate football, she grips it like a loofah and throws it back to him all misshapen? If she can do that to a football, maybe she could have been the S&C coach.

Finally Rubin gets around to addressing the 125-pound tight end in the room – conflict of interest – but he can’t come out and say it literally. Instead he has to use the same euphemism he did during last year’s QB controversy. What possible role could he have for Heather that doesn’t involve her actually coaching the Mudlarks? Lemme guess: he’ll coerce her into writing some kind of “insider football tips” column in the Star along with her regular reporting. I’m sure he called her boss Dale and cleared it all ahead of time; this is his town after all. Be prepared to see Gil require his players to read Heather’s column daily, maybe even going so far as to require them to buy the Star off the rack or even subscribe. Can you imagine Gil helps build Heather’s resume and single-handedly boosts the flagging circulation of a dying medium? The mind boggles!

Hang on for this thrill ride: it surely will be more surprising than Gil trotting out the Delaware Wing-T yet again.

August 25, 2021

Institutionalized

“We’re wondering, Heather – have you ever considered circular breathing? See how I can talk to you while snorting my coffee?”

“Why? Will you give me a job if I do?”

“Yes, we’ll give you my job.”

“But… you’re an institution!”

“No, but if I don’t blow this Popsicle stand soon I might be in an institution. All I wanted was a retirement package, and he wouldn’t give it to me!”

“Seriously though, I got a lead from Mr. Bakst on a sweet condo outside of Charleston. Once you accept, I’ll be out of here quicker than you can say ‘shrimp and grits.'”

Can it be? Rubin’s gonna retire a long-running character to make way for a new one?

Faithful TWIMer (and host of his own Gil Thorp blog) Mopman predicted in yesterday’s comments that the Star would offer Heather a gig, rather than a job, “providing the ‘inside scoop’ for a season of Mudlark football” à la ESPN’s Hard Knocks. That might be an option, but then what becomes of Marjie? Once editor guy realizes Heather can add more to the Star’s sports reporting than simply reciting a list of names Gil reels off to her, Marjie’s fate is sealed. Lower pay, fewer benefits, no more employer-funded pensions – it’s a no-brainer!

Know what else is a no-brainer? Including the phrase “conflict of interest” in at least one panel between now and Saturday. Let’s see if it happens!

August 13, 2021

Now I AM confused

I have to say this golf story is really spinning out of control. First Mimi has to change into formal sweatpants which frankly Ive never heard of. Leave that midriff-baring outfit on; its a Woman coming over for Pete’s sake! Of course Heather also changes out of her sleeveless top, so theyre even.

Next Heather reveals her investigation into Carter, which in itself is rather meaningless. Why she cares whether he cheats at golf is the question. I thought she was trying to find a real career, not moonlight at the National Enquirer.

Tabloid newspapers are not as dangerous to democracy as social media

She’s basing her allegation of his cheating on.. the rain storm? Boy thats a new one. Again, I cant wait for more info tomorrow when she connects the dots, cuz I sure dont have a clue what the hell rain has to do with cheating, because they wernt even gambling in the first place, and his score was as Ive pointed out, very typical of a 12 handicapper.

And we sure dont have enough info to convict him either, based on the strips. So its gonna be some cockamimi reason she comes up with that I’ll bet lands her a position at the Milford Star, and everyone goes home happy, and we move on to football.

If thats the case, this golf story gets a triple bogey on my card.

May 22, 2021

Extra Handsy Saturday

“… and by ‘taking it out on Central’ I mean ‘working over the central parts of our bodies in the shower.'”

If you told me Rubin & Whigham had a side hustle making Tijuana Bibles I wouldn’t doubt it for a moment. Mimi’s dialog reads like the setup to every other porn film ever made, while Katy’s hands surely had their origins as hentai octopi or outtakes from 9 Chickweed Lane. Add that to one of the generally accepted definitions of “cruising” (not the one Guthrie was doing in his GTO last arc) and the confused expression and truly bizarre mouth on Katy in P3 and today’s strip comes off as all kinds of awkward.

Sorry, that’s all I’ve got today. Internet’s been down on and off here this afternoon and any attempts at trying to analyze Katy’s state of mind went out like my connection. I’m sure Neal will tie these loose ends together in the most ridiculous way possible and Rod will work his hand fetish into as many panels as possible. teenchy out.

May 21, 2021

The race is on. Oh my.

So Marjie Ducey decides to call Zane and ask him about the library board race?! Didnt we go over this before, where she interviewed a player without parental permission? I cant believe this ‘race’ between a student and an adult for a position on the library board warrants her attention first of all, and secondly calling both him and Brito to ask about their opinions of the other person! When did she become the political reporter here? Sports Marjie, sports. Stick to that stuff. But its a comic strip, which always explains everything.

Zanes girlfriend is looking like Moe Howard with that hairdo.

Then just like that its printed in the paper for all to see. Does Gil even KNOW one of his own players is gonna be distracted by running for an office, then if he wins, by being on the board while playing baseball? Talk about a can of worms. And summers right around the corner; does this position take effect next school year? Or immediately?

Dick Enberg just turned over in his grave. Oh my!

And their arguments about each other are both hooey. Marjie just took their word for it? Are there any editors at that paper or what?

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