This Week in Milford

August 13, 2019

If it were an official meeting, would they refer to him as Thomas?

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Suffice to say, Cicero she ain’t, but it was a nice try by the creative team to feature a strong female lead. That said, let’s go panel by panel…

P1: Bad touch, Hadley.

P2: Way to dis Milford academics, Hadley.

P3: Ed is pissed he had to put on a suit and tie and come all the way downtown just to be a prop.

Bonus questions:

What are those tomes in P1?

What is on the framed sign in P2?

Neither of Tiki’s parents attended this thing?

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August 7, 2019

Ceci n’est pas une school board meeting.

Running both the color and B&W versions today as a sanity check.

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If this is not a school board meeting, then what is it exactly? Some well-connected kid using his connections to get what he wants from a school board that doesn’t want the public to know how readily it caves to that well-connected kid? No wonder nobody wants it made public. Rubin’s left so many dots for us to connect, like those dots on the sidewalk Steve Luhm forgot to sweep up.

So much posturing going on here. Hadley brought her prop, Ed; Ballard (wearing a suit with weird-ass lapels only The Riddler could love) brought his: tiny Carol and another yet-to-be-named ventriloquist’s dummy school board member lady. There’s also an official-looking seal behind Ballard that some Mudlark must have made in shop class, and an American flag that may be displayed in violation of the US Flag Code if there’s an unseen State of Milford flag to its right. Speaking of unseen, Ballard better watch his back before that shadowy figure stabs it.

 

August 6, 2019

Look At That Business Woman, She Even Finally Got The High Five Right.

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Imagine her, all of her wealth

And in the arms of somebody else

I imagine her in court

 

With her communication skills

Cabinet full of videos and pills

Paying the bills and beating the WAP!!!!!!

 

You’ll never understand

Manipulative mind of that woman

Powerful debauchery in her eyes

 

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got a nose in your business

Look at that Business Woman

Her hair’s not much whiter than Pearl’s

 

Somebody oughta put a helmet and shoulder pads on the Business Woman. She no doubt knows the playbook better than the players on the Mudlark roster, the way she’s been entrenched in the affairs of the football team. Little wonder why I used The Church’s “Business Woman” (Steve Kilbey, your songwriting is STRONG, My Man) to attend to things.

Oh, when she’s not at the Milford Country Club to see if she should do a mid-career switch from law to the LPGA. Might I make a suggestion? Our high school has won beaucoup State Championships in Boy’s Golf and Girl’s Golf and if she wants to elevate her game, look no further than being with our own to see if she’s got what it takes. Pair her up with a couple of sophomores and if she can drive the ball longer than the youngsters, then sure, let’s pair her up with Nancy Lopez. But if she makes a habit of landing in the sand while the teenagers sink par after her par, well, as the old saying goes, don’t quit your day job. Some people are better at strong-arming School Board members whose businesses were in a lull period so they wrote a letter telling Tiki to get the Hell out of Dodge than they are missing the pin oak tree on the fairway on #9. Probably explains why THAT plot was an aborted flight. Thorpiverse simply never admitted that the Business Woman’s beginner’s luck was no substitute for PRACTICE, something you’ll need if you want to do better than the several-strokes-over-par-round-even-with-a-handicap game you more than likely shot the SECOND TIME AROUND but Thorpiverse didn’t record. Why show the dirty laundry and ruin a promising plot?

Golf game aside, L.A. Law has swooped in and preyed on the squirrels that is the School Board members and left nothing for the vultures to eat. And a recycled plot is saved for another day. It’s nice to know that when Tiki is playing in the 35-and-over Co-ed League at Milford Softball Complex and the Milford Parks & Recreation mails him a letter positing that he’ll have to move back to New Thayer because he has titanium bats in his bag, titanium being something the Milford EPA banned in the city limits, he can always dial long distance to Chicago and call the Business Woman. She’s got a chip and a head on her shoulders, 2 valuable assets when pleading your case before the Rec Board. You might need a video but you can always shoot one of Tiki at Mudlark Lake using one of the bats as a fishing rod to prove their environmental friendliness. The beauty is, it’ll be awhile before we reach nirvana. The Tiki Plot will encounter several rebirths before then, especially if the Business Woman has anything to do with it.

 

If yore lawyer got ya a reprieve until ya can fix the septic tank at yore trailer park after showin’ the Milford Zoning Board a video of yore neighbor’s raw spillage of Totino’s Pepperoni pizza crusts (the pizza of choice fer rednecks, just pop it in the microwave ’til ya charred the damn thang and enjoy while yuz watchin’ the Super Bowl) all over the streets of Milford Trailer Vista, the same neighbor bein’ the pot callin’ the kettle black just cuz yore septic tank is missin’ a coupla bolts and causin’ at worst a minor stink with just a few old horseflies and a few skeeters buzzin’ about, nuthin’ else, ya might be a redneck.

 

Doncha love the Business Woman pointing the finger at Tiki in P1? Hasn’t he had ENOUGH of that? Wasn’t that the point of this plot? Stop allowing the Rockville School Board to shout “J’accuse!” at our hero because they never bothered to see the video of Bugs Meany and his gang threaten Tiki? It was bad enough that we never got to the heart of the matter as to why Mr. Ballard and Granny Clampett and the other School Board members would send him a letter stating that he would have to withdraw from Milford at the earliest hour when the evidence had already confirmed that he was a member in good standing. What was the point of putting him in Double Jeopardy? There was nothing else on the agenda and the School Board had to concoct something exciting just to boost attendance?

“Hey, I know!!!!!! Let’s send him a letter saying his septic tank went on the frizz again, causing Milford Trailer Vista to shut down for 2 months!!!!!!!! Everybody will be at that meeting. They’ll want restitution. Not even the Business Woman can get him out of paying the street and yard cleanup. He’s just as good as ‘Hit the showers!!!!’ It’ll be nice to use more than one sheet of steno paper to record the minutes.”

And maybe that explains why she IS pointing the finger.

“OF COURSE!!!!!!! You’re free to play. But that’s not the issue. Remember when you turned on the garden hose on that day when it was really muggy? And you forgot to turn it off because you wanted to catch the radio broadcast to see if the Cubs regained the lead? Well, your neighbor’s watermelon patch next door got flooded and…”

Well, I don’t think she’s screaming “You ran a slant and the play called for a buttonhook!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Her mind reveals a lump of coal

Stopped like the flutters in death’s robe

When she reveals her marriage plans

 

All of her bitches come deep and swift

Promise her anything only if

She’s going to have to ditch her dad

 

She’ll never understand

The entire playbook in one day

Time to head home, come what may

 

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got her head in her buttocks

Look at that Business Woman

Her hair’s not much whiter than Carol’s

 

Remember that flunky that followed that gangster who used to always say “Shaddup”? One of Bugs Bunny’s nemeses?

“Oh, Boy, Boss, we held up the Milford Federal Bank 3 times this week and we hot wired a coupla ‘vettes so we can head to our hideout in North Bend and live large and the best part is we won’t have to attend any more School Board meetings!!!!!!!! That video clearly shows we were racin’ the streets and alleys of New Thayer and gunnin’ down a couple of squad cars. No way they could prove we bombed Ms. Rizk’s classroom!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Shaddup.”

“Does that mean I’m back on the football team? I may have a fat ass but I can pull-block. And I know how to protect the quarterback’s blind spot. Coach T even thinks I can play a little tight end even if I have have lunky hands like Foghorn Leghorn.”

“Shaddup”

“And I think Mr. Ballard couldn’t sell an automobile policy to an Indy driver. And, Boss, he’s got lice in his beard. Does he ever shower? He smelled like Tiki’s septic tank. And Carol uses Geritol to treat her herpes. Old people’s medical products won’t bail you out if you’re sexually indiscriminate.”

“Shaddup”

“And are those guys ACTUALLY playing football in P1? It’s been so long since we’ve seen any sports. Just Looney Tunes and the Business Woman and her boyfriend-cum-fiancee. And her dad who’s in a mid-life crisis at 81. When I saw the helmets, I thought ‘what’s a road construction crew member with a Stop and Slow sign doing at the practice field? Then it hit me. Gawrsh, THEY”RE PLAYING FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!! I know because crane operators don’t normally wear jock straps. You don’t do a cup check on a cement mixer. I’ll bet you didn’t know that, huh, Boss?”

WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHADDUP MEANS SHADDUP

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Judge Ito Declares O.J. Will Not Have To Vacate Condo Even If Costco Is Moving In The Suite Next Door!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“It is my understanding that the Milford Zoning Board had designated the property a mixed-usage development with an easement so The Bucket could use the grass lot for overflow parking on Saturday night.”

 

Boy, the Chunky Bracelet Parade is in full display today. Business Woman bought a few at Milford Consignment Shoppe and must have picked up a few off the ground when she was at Milford Towing and Recovery to retrieve a teenager’s car after the car got its title mixed up with another car which was supposed to be towed to New Thayer Towing and Recovery. The Milford Towing people have VCR’s. They should have watched the video of the New Thayer owner sticking the title in the glove box. There’d be no misunderstanding. And Business Woman wouldn’t be plucking stray brass rings and copper fixtures out of junk vehicles and putting them on her wrists.

I’ll give Thorpiverse this. They got the sound effect right for once. I personally would have liked WHAP but I’m not particular. Just PLEEEEASSSEEEEE no more KRUNK or FLOK or SPLACK or any of the other noises Bigfoot makes in Milford Nature Area when he’s taking a dump.

“Batman!!!!!!! Look out!!!!!!!!! Here comes Bigfoot!!!!!!!”

FART

Oops, not even Batman did that to The Riddler. Let’s try again

“Batman!!!!!!! Look out!!!!!!!!! Here comes Bigfoot!!!!!!!”

CRATCH

“You knocked him cold, Batman.”

“Yes, and with the Hydrogenated Anti-matter Dephosphated Soporific Bat Sleeping Gas, Chief O’Hara and the rest of the Milford Police should be here before he wakes up.”

 

And speaking of Batman, not sure why The Joker is making her dad wear a suit and be a prop. Why would that be necessary if you she were trying to track down the Bat Cave? Be in your best seersucker when you finally locate the Bat Computer? And is the School Board meeting still a go? I thought that was a dead issue. As in sports, expect the unexpected in Thorpiverse. Evidently, Business Woman wants her dad to be in his best Joe Pesci and bring his accordion that’s on his desk in P3 to entertain the School Board members. Playing some polka like Bobby Vinton’s “Melody of Love” would soften anybody’s renewed efforts to run Tiki out of town. The Lawrence Welk Theme ought to bring Ballard the Insurance Guy to his knees. Get Carol Merrill at 85 cryin’ those crocodile tears.

“I haven’t cried this much since I showed some man and his family that Bahamas trip for 4 behind Door #3.”

And maybe it’s just me, but aside from the inexplicable time-lapse growth of Mr. Baxendales’s hair caused by an outpouring of Rogaine and oat bran mix, is Mr. Baxendale striking the Napoleonic pose? Otherwise, he appears to be holding those sheets of paper containing business news and insider info at Milford Downs with his left ring finger and pinky. I tip my hat to a guy who can bet the winning horse and hold the form on his thumbnail, no question.

And does she always wear Ford Explorer piston rings when she’s talking to her dad? I know she’s trying to look stylish but…

 

“And that’ll wrap up another practice here on the gridiron. I’ll be talking with Coach T. in a moment. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.”

 

“Did your loved one pass away recently and your budget did not allow for cremation? Wasn’t it a bitter pill to swallow to see the corpse lie in state in the truck bed while the Dodge Ram peeled away towards the Milford Medical Research Center? As one family related to me, it was shocking to find out Grandpa Jones was subdivided all over the lab, or so the nurses said. It was painful to put his head in a jar while his hands were substituted for frog legs to do testing on nerve impulses. And don’t go there about his gluteus maximus. That became some kid’s trampoline after testing that with Dacron.

Hi, I’m Doctor Pearl, speaking on behalf of Milford Funeral Solutions. The friendly staff here understands the concerns of many families strapped for funds but want the dignified procedures that accompany cremation. That’s why they have partnered with Milford Scrap Metals, Inc. to facilitate a better way to The Promised Land. For a cost that would cause a mild surprise, Milford Funeral Solutions can take your loved one, after proper service and heartfelt testimony of the deceased when he or she was alive, and drive the Dear Departed  to Milford Scrap Metals, Inc. for a righteous send-off.

Don’t worry, after all the aluminum has separated from the iron, staff workers at the incinerator ensure that the device is completely devoid of any metals or the occasional Diet Coke 16 -ounce bottle that gets accidentally thrown in the fire. Your loved will never know what hit him or her as the flames reach an apogee that will take him or her to the Stairway to Heaven. No leftover material has ever graced the surroundings, your loved one has vanished into another dimension, ready to join those who wait for him in the Heavenly Garden. Isn’t wonderful to not spot charred bone or misrouted dentures around the fireplace, let alone the hearse crash into one of the semi’s filled with #2 copper because the police-escorted cavalcade kept the Path to El Dorado pig iron ingot-free and devoid of rebar trucks? And you didn’t have to dip into your retirement and pay an early withdrawl penalty.

Yes, Milford Funeral Solutions truly has discount cremations designed to bring peace of mind to your loved one and your pocketbook. Come check them out today and let your own Uncle Charlie get the Trial by Fire via The Shadow of Death without allowing your car to be repossessed. You owe it to yourself and your loved one.”

 

Take ‘er away, Gang. I think we still are going to have a School Board meeting. Maybe not. But maybe one day Tiki will sign with the Cubs…

Couldn’t resist, Robmize, couldn’t resist.

 

And when she comes, the plot explodes

Exquisite bracelets in outrageous mode

When dad’s hair grows, it’s suddenly gone

 

Maybe you’ll find it, maybe you won’t

Maybe Dad loves her, maybe he don’t

Maybe he’ll wear a peruke all alone

 

You’ll never comprehend

The hair transplants she gave to Dad

A Business Woman, that’s her path

 

Look at that Business Woman

She bought some hair for his scalpline

Look at that Business Woman

She’s got more white hair than Dad’s chest

August 5, 2019

Jorts Law

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What the hell is going on here??

If they are going to decide Tiki’s case, they need to apply their policy. The decision and the policy are both subject to challenge, whether they do it in public or not. I guess these guys are just amateurs and they don’t grasp this, or they just aren’t used to Chicago lawyers getting up in their business. Tank townies just bend to their will and Ballard gets paid to be on the school board just by making calls from the offices of Ballard Insurance while Carol calls a meeting once in a while.

What a shit show.

 

July 31, 2019

Meet the Flemings

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Just in time for the dog days of summer, this dog of a strip. This right here is some boring stuff.

That’s Reid Fleming, World’s Toughest Milkman and his dad, former NBA point guard Vern, on the receiving end of a Hadley deposition that’s not a deposition. Too bad dad Fleming isn’t actually Vern, ’cause Hadley could’ve let Jaquan tag along and have quality time with him. He does earn the Pantheon of Hair tag for that luxurious nostril hair he’s artfully groomed into a mustache.

Trying really hard to figure out the number and location of Hadley’s elbow joints such that she can get her hand that close to her shoulder and at that precise angle to roll up and flick a booger at the Flemings. Also trying to figure out why Papa Fleming shushed Leonard when he said the Mudlarks need Tiki. Is Leonard implying that Milford needs to attract players from other schools in order to field a competitive team? Given how much effort the Coaches Thorp and their assistants have put into developing and coaching up talent compared to the instant impact transfer students have made on their respective teams, I’d say the answer is a qualified “yes.”

July 30, 2019

Wow, I Could Have Had A V8 And Gone To Harvard Law School!!!!

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Mudlark Heaven is the place for me

Playin’ for Coach Thorp just relaxes me

That hair, combed and moussed so far and wide

Keep New Thayer, just gimme ol’ Milford High

 

Newwwwww Thayer is vere yoo need tooo stay

Veee get allergic vith zeeeee condo vayysssss

Veeee hate Hadley und her outhouse views

Dah-ling, veee love yoo but move to Park Avenue

 

So I’m a little mystified at who the Flemings might be so today’s theme will carry a Nick at Nite flavor to it. Just be patient, it will all come out in the wash. I’m not too sure about the story but I have no control over that. You’ll have to go down to the Home Office for Thorpiverse if you want to complain.

And the first item on the agenda right outta the gate HAS to be the choice of imbibing combinations we are observing in P1. Okay, okay, we are finally informed in P2 that it’s iced tea but that Folger’s heating up in the background is enough of a double-reverse to allow my imagination to run wild. I’ll run the gamut from Nestle’s Quik to Fresca out of the fridge to Minute Maid No-Squeeze Pulp-Free Deloused-Tangelos Orange Juice. Pouring out of a 1-gallon beaker is only intensifying the guessing game. We don’t see them but I’m bettin’ the deposition that Hadley Vitriolic possesses in her hand and in her purse under the Kleenex and crammed up her butt that Jaquan has a couple of Erlenmeyer flasks on the counter somewhere. Really no need to show that they’re filled to the brim with Hawaiian Punch and Kiwi Kool-aid. Thorpiverse was willing to let your imagination run wild but they’re there. Rest assured.

And if filling half the collection of plastic cups with Squoze Drink Mix wasn’t enough, Again, Jaquan has the Mr. Coffee contraption a-brewin’ for good measure. If he dies of thirst after all the trouble, he must have sewn his mouth shut. I know reading Law 333 can be intense and you need to do more listening and reading than talking but this is ridiculous.

“Missss-ter Case, why are you sit-ting in your seat with that my-ri-ad bun-dle of strings attached to your embouchment?”

“Well, you see, Kingsfield, he just feels that if you want to learn law, you should come with your ears open and your mouth sewn shut.”

“I see. Today’s lesson covers Property Law in relation to damages…”

Stating the obvious

After a teacher somewhere in England is prosecuted for having sex with 4 teenaged students

“I’m going to go to prison for this.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Ms. Risk Cleared Of Charges After Accusations Of Improper Behavior With Bobby Howry And Tiki Jansen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I’m in my room with my typewriter all day. Luhm brings me lunch at 9:00PM, but that’s it!!!!!!!!!!”

 

At Donna Stone’s residence

“Dr. Stone, I know you have Boy Scout Jamboree, Cancer Research Seminar, Jeff’s golf match at Hilldale Country Club against the Mudlarks, and Mrs. Stone’s Bake-Off at The Bucket all in one night but you are being subpoenaed to the Milford Superior Court.”

“Donna, can’t you slip out one the Bake-Off is over? You’re a cinch to win the Frosting portion of the competition anyway.”

“Well, I think I can beat Mimi at her own game and then head on to the School Board meeting. Mimi uses generic flour on all her Dutch chocolate and coconut cakes. I’m not worried. BTW, Alex, where is that smoke coming from?”

“It’s coming from next door!!!!!!!!!!! My goodness, did Jaquan forget to turn off the Mr. Coffee machine again?”

Is Jaquan borrowing the Thorps’ verandah even as I type? You know tyhe old saying, when Gil’s away, the mice will play. Leaving the possibilities for another time, I have finally deduced that those are Hi-liters, not bullet shells on the table there. Doubtin’ that Jaquan pursued an early morning fox hunt before he curled up with a tome on international law. He’s just trying to get smarter, Gang. Nothing like being prepared for Fall.

Gang, I apologize, Mom came to town and She’s done A LOT for me and sacrificed A LOT for me and I couldn’t turn her away. The material is coming, trust me. Thanks for your patience.

 

“Sittin’ in Gil’s chair reading parliamentary law

Waitin’ for Fall class to begin

Birds are dropping on page 1-0-3

Woe is me

Find another tree…”

 

The inspiration for “Venus & Mars Rock Show”. Who’da thunk it. And really, it all started when he poured a cartoon-duration (i.e., Fred Flintstone never spills over the table and hits the saber-tooth cat or Dino when he’s pouring brontosaurus milk on his Fruity Pebbles) length of Nestea in his ULINE cup. The man has talent. He’ll have tenure before the next election at that rate.
Now if he can find another catalpa tree without a bird’s nest, he’s in business.

 

At Sanford & Son’s junkyard

“Mr. Sanford, you’re going to have to go to court to state why Tiki must go back to Rockville when he already lives in Rockville.”

“Hush yo’ mouth. I ain’t gonna go to no judge an’ tel’ him that Tiki kin stay wher’ he’s at. There’s laws statin’ he’s just as good as his hometown. Tha’s final, I ain’t gonna put my John Henry on nuttin'”

“Aw, come on, Pop. Them kids beat him to a pulp and all he’s trying to do is make a better life for himself. Right, Hadley Virtueless?”

“I’m afraid so. If I have to get a court order, I will. I suggest you make this easy on yourself, Mr. Sanford.”

“Yeah, Fred, you miserable jackass. What’d dat kid evuh do to you? Steal one of yore hubcaps? It’s bad enough you lost yore shirt tryin’ to cut a deal wid Gil and Mimi haulin’ their trash away. Like wut were ya gonna do wid dat aquarium they wuz throwin’ out? Build a swimmin’ pool by da trash compactor in yore back yard?”

“Esther, if I did, I wouldn’t put a shark in there wid yore dentures. Charlie the Tuna would eat ol’ Jaws alive.”

“Fred, if you don’t sign dat dere paper, I is gonna knock you out wid my Bible. If I can belt 10 muggers on a subway cold dead, you KNOW what it’ll do wid YOU!!!!!!!”

“Plus you’ll have a bench warrant AND a black eye. Now sign this paper.”

“You hear dat, Elizabeth? Dis is da Big One!!!!!!!! I’m bein’ blackmailed!!!!!!!!”

“Awwww, shut up, Pop. Sign the document and let’s go. Coach Kaz is paying us nicely for towing his Volkswagen Jetta off his property. But we got a half an hour before he goes on vacation. We better get his check NOW or we’re cooked, Man. Here’s a pen.”

 

Today’s Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared Of Molestation Charges At Milford High School!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was just in the gym rehearsing ELO’s ‘All Over The World’!!!!!!!!!!”

“Look after Jaquan. See that some harm is done to him.”

I don’t think Hugo Drax will be successful if Jaws’ cousin in P2 (NOT the animal, you ninnies) continues to sport notebooks that for once look like notebooks, not the See Spot Run rudimentary loose-leaf cigarette packs we’re used to seeing.

“See Dick read Bel-Air. It says “Warning: Smoking has been found in the labs to be hazardous to the fetus-”

‘Dick, you dumbass’, says Jane, ‘That’s a notebook. Mom says so. Right now look at Spot. See Spot chew up notebook. He thinks it’s a Milk Bone.’

‘Then who’s ‘Marlboro Man”? asks Dick.

‘He’s a BAD man,’ says Jane. ‘His treachery is worth 100 loose-leafs. Or 50 Marty Moons if you’re counting in Eurodollars.’

‘Who’s Marty Moon?’, asks Dick.

‘Wait until we get to page 15 and see Spot attack a donkey’, says Jane.”

 

If ya gotta go to court after the lawyer went ta see the Brady Bunch and Ozzie and Harriet Nelson and Larry the Cable Guy and Eight is Enough becuz ya gotta testify against yore best friend after he got arrested for Drunk and Disorderly Conduct at a T-Ball game at Milford Sports Complex includin’ peein’ on home plate before the kiddies started infield practice, ya might be a redneck.

And what in the name of Ricky Nelson is up with the verandah design in P2? Is this an infinite convergent pattern that will reach the asymptote (or NOT reach it, really) somewhere by the Milford Water Tower? God, no wonder why Jaws’ one leg is shorter than the other. Make yourself at home, Jaquan. While your one leg is stuck in the sewer line, your other one should stretch TO New Thayer. Looks like a winning case to me. Gotta get there and back if ya wanna live to tell about it. Just stand up and do the 7th-inning stretch and things oughta go off without a hitch.

 

At the Cleaver residence

“Ward, do you think Beaver should go before a judge? It might be a little daunting.”

“Nonsense, June. It’ll teach him responsibility. He needs to learn to tell the truth under oath after witnessing Lumpy Rutherford and Eddie Haskell throwing eggs at Gil’s ranch house.”

“I agree, Mr. Cleaver. If Beaver will sign right here next to the Ballard Insurance policy, we’re good to go.”

“Gosh, Beaver, don’t be a dope and sign the wrong paper. Dad doesn’t need any coverage for his Harley. He already has one with Milford State Farm Insurance.”

 

And that is a pre-cursor into P3. God, this is just opening itself for abuse.

“Let me discuss the matter with my partner.”

“I don’t know, Chico. You might want to ask The Man first before the ink dries.”

No

Well, Hell, Hadley Verdure was the only female in the living room but still believe Thorpiverse keeps it heterosexual, although allowing for strong possibilities for same-sex marriage to thrive in Milford

Who in the world are all these people that Thorpiverse keeps throwing at us? It’s bad enough that I thought that the dude to the left was putting on his Ninja outfit but hard to imagine his doing that in front of ANYONE, much less Hadley Valley Tech. I now know that he is crossing his leg. getting your eyes adjusted will do that.

We STILL have the issue of going from Kenny Rogers to Nancy Kulp to today’s Chico & The Man  with the unfortunate sidenote that this reads more like an Anne Tyler novel than a sports plot. Really, when I read the sports scoreboard, I’m not expecting to see the entire story of “The Accidental Tourist” next to the bowling scores but that’s pretty much the long and tall of it. Maybe one day Thorpiverse will quit reading V. C. Andrews and publish REAL sports. Gil posing with his putter is a good start. It might be a long way from Putt-Putt to football scrimmage but remember, you only chew an elephant one bite at a time.

BTW, I’d like that lamp in Mr. Fleming’s living room. I’ve been wanting to revamp my household with a neo-Art Deco atmosphere. Name your price, Mr. Fleming.

 

All righty then, Gang. It’s your turn. I’m going to join in the conversation in P3. I thought it was awful nice for Mr. Fleming to treat everybody to pterodactyl eggs and show everybody his stick figure drawings that he’s got on the coffee table. That should lighten the mood. Just gotta watch the egg count. My doctor said watch the cholestrerol.

 

Da da, da BOM BOM

“Bull shit”

Da da, da BOM BOM

“Just qvit”

Da da, da BOM BOM

“Football”

Da da, da BOM BOM

“Don’t stall”

 

“I say he stays”

“It looks zat vay”

“In Fall he will be therrreeeeee”

As Eddie Albert stomps his pitchfork for extra emphasis on Ballard’s toe. Green Acres, Green Suit, life couldn’t be greener. Shouldn’t extend to Ballard’s teeth but Thorpiverse never told Ballard to say “Ah”, maybe because the face would collapse if he did. Darn, we’ll never know.

July 24, 2019

Are We Going There?

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Here I was thinking that the summer subplot was going to be “The Case of Hadley V. Baxendale’s Disappearing and Reappearing Mole*,” but I was wrong. It’s shaping up to be more along of the lines of “Lou Grant Ed V. Baxendale is a Racist But It Could Just Be the Wine Talking.” (There has been a lot of wine drinking in this arc, hasn’t there?). Race has been a relatively benign factor in the strip since I’ve been blogging here, unless you count Marty Moon’s attitude toward the Padillas winter before last.

Jaquan has been consistently portrayed as a fairly savvy guy, not lacking for brains as well as for talent. The less said about his flirtation with football, the better. He also had a fair grip on his future plans as far back as high school, for some of which he apparently has Hadley to thank until death do they part. If he’s been as good a pro hoopster as he’s been made out to be, then his financial worries should be relatively few for years to come. So what’s not to like?

It remains to be seen whether Rubin tackles this head-on or comes at it obliquely, the way he does so many other hot topics. For now, let’s just see how many dog whistles Ed blows over the rest of the summer.

*We do need the “peering over glasses” tag; I’ll try to add that if one of my fellow TWIMers doesn’t beat me to it.

METAPOST: How about it TWIM community? Please submit your suggestions for an eyeglasses tag in the comments below! Eyeglass Antics? Peering Over Peepers? -TimP

July 23, 2019

Whose Life Is It Anyway?

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Golf plot in your pocket

Lipstick in your hand

Dine with the Rockefellers

You’re now the 21st-Century Man

 

Family can’t afford it

Brie and wine too dear

But you will pay for dinner

Jaquan will foot the beer

 

Tho you ride on the wheels of tomorrow

You still wander this plot of sorrow

What will it bring?

 

And I won’t lie, being a Christian, I’m not enthralled about the living arrangement in P1 or overall. I think responsibility does come into play in ANY relationship.

That said, at least the scenery so far has been G-rated. Sure, Fred and Wilma may be shacked up at the Bedrock Moto-Lodge before Wilma V. Baxendale becomes Wilma V. Flintstone (or V. Baxendale-Flintstone if she wants to carry on the family name and still enjoy being married to a guy who will work at the Bedrock Quarry when he’s not slam-dunking for Generic NBA Lakers or Celtics) but Fred isn’t walking around the motel grounds in his boxers to get ice at the ice machine. Not that that would be sexy to watch a civilized caveman or Jaquan, you decide, be casual spending $2.00 at the Coke machine for a Sprite. And then there’s his mother-in-, correction, FUTURE mother-in-law. She keeps this G-rated if only to retain matters on the level aesthetically

“Wiiillllllmmmmaaaaa, have you seen a towel? I just got out of the shower. Damn, you see so many Holiday Inn towels in people’s bathrooms. Hell, Rubble’s got a collection of ’em to wipe his ass with when he runs out of Charmin, but there ain’t one hangin’ on the towel rack here? Call room service and-”

“FRED FLINTSTONE!!!!!!!!!! This isn’t the Men’s dorm at Bedrock State!!!!!!!! And buy some new Hanes!!!!!!!!!!!! The Bedrock Costco has a BOGO sale this week!!!!!!!!!! You have paint stains all over them!!!!!!!!!!! Take those holey drawers and throw them in the trash before the maid comes to clean up!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I love my mother-in-law, I love my mother-in-law…”

 

And today’s post will be accompanied by Electric Light Orchestra’s “21st-Century Man.” I have always loved ELO, they just led a hit parade from “Evil Woman”, “Strange Magic”, “Livin’ Thing”, and “Hold on Tight”, the last song off the same album as “21st-Century Man”, Time. They keep playing these tunes and others on the Muzak channels. Timeless.

 

And so after Jaquan finished his Run-to-the-North-Pole-and-back routine (“Hadley, I just set a PB!!!!!!!!!!!!!”) , Jaquan gets in his suit he bought on lay-away at Milford Big ‘n’ Tall and by dingies, he pulls a Foghorn Leghorn and utters a funny. Let’s listen.

“You know how many roller skates Daddy Warbucks retains in his closet?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t either but Milford Skate-o-Rama will receive quite a haul bequeathed from his will when he chokes on the Chablis on the table that is actually Palmolive.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

“Oh, Madge, you sure Milford Valley Dom Perignon Vintage 1897 Maraschino Cherry Boulevard du Reves Rompu is non-abrasive and good for washing the dishes and serving later at the Bridge Club meeting?”

“Hell, you’re soaking in it.”

“I didn’t know you could cuss in a ’60’s daytime commercial.”

“This is Thorpiverse. Think of Lobachevsky’s Theorem and you can make an equilateral triangle into The Rat Patrol.”

 

If ya cain’t leave th’ friendly confines o’ Milford and inn-dolge in all them thar fancy-shmancy rest’rants in Central City and dine with th’ new-voh ree-chees cuz ya couldn’t jump yore pickup truck cuz jumpin’ thuh batt’rey might set off an uh-tomic explosion not even th’ Manhattan Project kin corral, ya might be a redneck.

 

Talking over problems

While playing a game of chess

Plates arranged as a pawn chain

The middle piece a bowl of kress

 

Where will Jaquan play next

It’s part of a Master Plan

The family’s enduring needless worry

She’s now the 21st-Century Man

 

Tho your clueless on where he’ll play tomorrow

You won’t live in a gutter of sorrow

Income with no strings

 

And since we ARE in Central City, playing along with the bit of emphatic tone that Thorpiverse brings to another Rockville on the map, it’s leaving me hanging. As in what’s in the water in Central City that’s NOT in Milford? Yeah, I know, Milford Exterminating Experts could do a better job of snuffing out the roaches at the Milford Country Club, especially at the diner and the bathrooms. It would kill anybody’s appetite to munch on a Grilled Fromage et Tomates Sandwich avec Le Vin Blanche while something’s scurrying across the grill.

But The Central City Chateau (“Fine Exquisite Dining in the middle of Hicktown”, their motto) may have gotten a thumbs up and a 5-star rating from the American Automobile Association but I’m seeing flaws in its evaluation.

Take the window, for example. Did the person doing the evaluating have to fight through that permanent lightning bolt in the window while trying to see if you could see Milford Valley or Mt. Milford on a clear day? And what was he eating? Rice Chex? Ravioli e Uovos Frescos Cacciatore? A lump of coal? Sometimes Anthracite can affect your judgment looking out THAT window.

Then there’s the table. What could the evaluator have been thinking? Did he get intoxicated from the Egg Plant Souffle dipped in Beer Nuts when trying to figure out the M.C. Escher pattern? Picnic table hocked from the Central City Softball Complex and hope nobody notices by throwing a few of Granny Clampett’s quilts on top or King James I version of the Bible because he couldn’t fathom all the ancient Greek beveled edge job? The picture of Bill Wither’s grandson in the foreground isn’t helping the perspective.

Then there’s the pieces on the board, I mean, plates on the table. C’mon, Mr. Evaluator, what’d they get out of Central City Creek in terms of corningware that they couldn’t get out of Mudlark Lake? I’ve seen several pieces of fine china being dragged out of the lagoon, thank you very much. No sensible person would stoop low in Milford to eat his or her Beanie Wienie’s at the Milford Country Club off of paper plates. Milford has culture too, y’know. Since when did Central City corner the market on the Sistine Chapel? Oh, I forgot, you can’t see it behind the Central City Gas ‘n’ Goodies, it’s blocked off by the mighty hand of Thor in the window.

 

Ooooooookkkkkkkk, nothing like Gene Rayburn to get things back on track. Take ‘er away, Gene.

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that streak in the window was a picture of Mr. Baxendale’s ________________.”

 

Gang, I’m gonna say it. Can I say it? Go on and say it, T. Drew, and quit wasting people’s time.

The artwork in P2 is PITIFUL.

If Central City Chateau is the shit around their Hicktown metropolis, why’d they have to steal gigantic flapjacks from the Milford IHOP? Discussing something as semi-urgent over a plate of a mutant Eggo waffle? Covered by Aunt Jemima and an aluminum covering? Like George and Louise Jefferson, we’re movin’ on up. With wine and glasses of Aquafina to complement the haute cuisine. I’m just workin’ up an appetite.

And evidently, Mrs. Baxendale has a voracious one at that, given her propensity at stabbing her pancake with a steely knife. It doesn’t look like you can kill this beast of a pancake but Mrs. Baxendale is trying. I’ll give her that. If and when she hits paydirt, it will surely add another chin or two to her Etch-a-Sketch conglomerate on the lower part of her face.

And while Mr. Baxendale is kibbutzing the Queen’s Gambit Accepted, has anybody noticed that he went from Ed Asner to Murray Slaughter, all with the grace and aplomb of a few deft strokes in the makeup room? Surely not Hadley Virtual Plot’s makeup room? Oh, well, as long as Jaquan and Hadley Virgin were sleeping in separate beds, it’s OK.

STILL, this is pretty confusing, Shakertown Revisited notwithstanding. At least Jaquan has his chastity belt on and his bald head has been consistent, Herman Munster meets Mr. Clean. Chaste behavior at its finest.

Would you pass the Karo, Mr. Slaughter?

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Treating Out-of-Town Dignitaries To Night On The Town At MCC!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“‘Card maxed out so Cochrane covered the rest.”

 

And just to tie up a few loose ends (Oh joy oh joy) , I just thought of something. That’s not Gavin MacLeod as Murray Slaughter. The huge crack in the window is blocking the view of the Adriatic Sea and that’s Gavin MacLeod as the Captain of The Love Boat. I was thrown off by Herman Munster’s hand he’s using to raise his wine glass as a toast but you weren’t going to fool THIS Twimer for very long.

And it’s a Love Boat episode. Jaquan and Hadley Venezia (hush, they’re in the Adriatic Sea, close enough) are going to rent out a $10,000 Luxury Suite with faucets that spout out dolphins and soapy water, good when you want to watch Flipper on Nick at Nite and take a shower, and wine made from grapes stomped on right in the living room (And they’ll even clean the mess.) , AND a bed made from the finest wool that Odysseus and his men used when they escaped Polyphemus.

They’ll trash each other and use each other and Jaquan won’t even have to employ the services of the Milford Men’s Clinic. But the Captain will intervene and tell them that the episode only lasts an hour and that not only are they violating good taste, they’re running over into Fantasy Island. Point well-taken. Opening the door after a quickie to get a quick bite to eat at the ship’s snack bar and confronting Ricardo Montalban and some midget shouting “The plane!!!!! The plane!!!!!!!” would make me want to grab that mutant poplar plant off the table in self-defense. Gotta do what ya gotta do.

Finally, Ricardo and The Captain will convince them to get married, that they’ll have plenty to cover them financially the rest of their lives, the midget will perform the ceremony, the passengers from The Love Boat and Fantasy Island will be in attendance, Barry Manilow’s “Looks Like We Made It” will blare out over the episode and they’ll ride off into the sunset with the credits reeling off at the end of the episode.

Then they’ll trash each other again.

 

Because I really don’t comprehend these injury lawyers trying to project a “We wear blue jeans in the office” image

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh my God!!!!!!!!!! There goes my hand. Quick, get out and get it before the light turns green and that Freightliner runs it over!!!!!!!!!!!”

“No problem. Somebody needs to get on the cell phone and call The Shark!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“I was a fork lift driver for Milford Foundry and without my hand, I’d be out of a job. No way I could stack pallets and pallets of pig iron while driving with one hand. It would take weeks to sew my hand back together and go through the rehab as a result. who would pay the bills? Who would take care of my hospitalization?”

 

“Hi, I’m Joe Sharkey with Sharkey Law office. If you’ve been injured in an accident, you need piece of mind. And I’m here to get you to that El Dorado of a worry-free financial situation.

Once you step into our office, you will be put immediately at ease. Our receptionist shows up a lot of times in a thong bikini or sometimes in her birthday suit. Me, I like to kick back in my Fruit of the Looms while filing a claim. The insurance companies fear a man who takes off his pants to get comfortable in that air-conditioned lobby.

We guide you through your rights while we pick up the doggy doo from our pets we brought in. In fact, we encourage our clients to bring THEIR pets to our office. Somebody once brought in their pet giraffe. Hey, if it can clear the door, we’re geared to prepare a winning case against our opponents. Justice is always a different animal.

And we always keep the out house in the rear of our office in excellent running condition. No cobwebs on the door while you’re taking a dump. If we’re going to fight the insurance companies on our terms, running water and Orkin are a must.”

 

“I felt at ease the minute I stepped into the place. I sat down on a seat cushion that covered the receptionist’s fart stains and me and The Shark got right down to business. And I walked away from the office with a great deal of satisfaction. Later, when I got a generous check from The Shark, I had no problem with giving him his 20%, rip in the crotch or no rip in the crotch. He could buy 20 pairs of Haggar slacks at Milford Men’s Wearhouse with his percentage. And I could FINALLY return to work, able to shake his hand, even after he’d wiped himself after a trip to the out house. Thanks, Shark.”

“You heard the man. Don’t let the insurance companies bilk you out of house and home. Let the people who can throw an orgy at Christmas time better than Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club show you how you can get compensation for your injuries. Call 1-FON-THE-JAWS today.”

 

Gang, comment to your heart’s content. I think Granny Clampett and Herman Munster are making their point LOUD AND CLEAR in P3, don’t you? I think they’ll have several more quickies, sure, but Herman can work for Roadway. Gavin forgets retirement from sports is not death. You just gotta pass your A License exam. Piece of cake.

 

Granny with her white streak

Herman with his tan

They’ll both head off to Paradise

She’s now the 21st-Century Man

 

Tho you ride on this plot that you borrowed

You still ramble the fields with much sorrow

OH THE SORROW

21st-Century Mannnnnnnnnnnnnn

21st Century Mannnnnnnnnnnnnn

21st Century Mannnnnnnnnnnnnn…..

 

“No problemo. We can stick your water buffalo out back and let him wallow in the pool. Now, how’d the Baylor semi mash your leg?”

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