This Week in Milford

July 5, 2020

Baseball, pizza, apple subs, and… Ice Cream??

As much as we all wish our colleague Teenchy a swift recovery from whatever is ailing him, the first thought that crossed my mind when I heard about his condition was.. the strip was finally so far off the tracks that it made him physically ill.

And I’m sure thats not far off for the rest of us.

How on Gods green earth is this happening? We start off with the promise of a possibly exciting matchup thats so unknown that we dream of a memorable conclusion that will have the Milfordites talking about it the rest of the summer.

What we got is…not even close. How much food can these players eat in the first place to be able to play at any level resembling competitive when its already 90 degrees or so out (Yes its summer, we knew that before the game started)? I mean, really. During a normal athletic event most players are happy enough with water or Gatorade. This is like a Thanksgiving dinner for chrissake. And these kids are supposed to play with all these carbs and calories and sweets laid out for them?

I had already mentioned the umpire and the fans– did they know what was coming? Nope. Whoever planned this foodfest has shit for brains. And thats putting it mildly.

So I wont belabor their noble efforts to keep observing the constant interruptions in their job (ump) and their free time (fans). Which in any world beside ours would lead to downright mutiny.

Thank God they didnt charge admission for this or they’d be storming the Basilica.

Wherever this storyline is headed from here, somebodys got some major explaining to do. And I cant believe they have a rational one.

Get well soon Teenchy!!

 

July 3, 2020

Wasnt this gonna be a big game?

Dont know where to start- fielding tips, batting tips, pizza breaks, an umpire who by all rights should’ve headed for the hills an hour ago, and now — a sub sandwich delivery guy??  I’ve heard of fiascos but this – tops em all. Its almost turning into a Harlem Globetrotters game, where a semblance of a basketball game turns into a charade with goofy timeouts, confetti in a water bucket, and non-competitive action.

But the difference is WE KNEW BEFOREHAND! This shambles of a game is wasting the time of the fans in the stands (where have they been for 3 days?) and of course Mr. Umpire, who has the balls of a midget. No ump worth his salt would put up with anything like this fiasco. Throw everyone out of the park and go home. Thats what a real man in blue would do. Wasting his fuckin time showing delinquents how to play baseball.. not happening, man. Gimme my 25 bucks and see ya.

Of course with the odd angle of the catcher in P2, the ump stands a good chance of getting clocked in the nuts with a well-timed fastball. But since he doesnt have any, no worries.

July 1, 2020

How Long Before the Dancing Flash Mob?

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We’re back from the pizza break. Just how did those pizzas ex machina show up? Please tell me one of the VM! kids leaned on Nick of Nick’s Pizza to get them gratis. “Nice delivery van you got there. Shame if something happened to it.” Now let’s see if any of these kids puke ’em up like the football players did with their sloppy joes last summer.

Wouldn’t this have been much more entertaining if Rubin had stuck to the old ’80s movie conceits, like in Animal House, Bachelor Party or Revenge of the Nerds? Instead we’re left to watch him trot out more random crap to pad this final week of the arc. The ump is as ready to get this over as we are; I think he heard the malls were reopening and is ready to get back to work at Foot Locker. No wonder he’s annoyed at yet another time out being called – but who’s calling it? Who the hell is this young lady stepping out to give Ardis a “quick pointer or two,” and why did she wait so long to do it? Couldn’t this have happened last week, when the Dead End Kids were practicing?

June 3, 2020

It Helps If You Chant “MEAN MACHINE” While You Read This

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Once again Neal Rubin has driven the Milford High Activity Bus off the road and into the ditch. What was being set up as some kind of indictment of school zero-tolerance policies has morphed into some weird-ass pickup game challenge that’s equal parts The Sandlot and The Longest Yard. As farfetched as it is I have a hunch it will come to pass, since Gil’s Mudlarks will probably miss the playdowns as per usual.

This comes off as more ego gratification for the walking ego that is Mike Knappe, but I’m picking up broad hints that there’s a bigger message being sent here: don’t fight the system, accept the hand you’re dealt, and when life gives you lemons, suck on them. Not the best of timing there.

I’m sure Rubin’s got his reasons for going down this path but unlike the Caretaker, I ain’t got eight years to hear them.

May 21, 2020

“No, I’m Doing Time For Stealing Keri’s Lunch Money.”

 

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Well, we have no choice

Be with girls and boys

That stirred some noise

Cuz they stole Gil’s toys

 

Well, we can’t salute Gil

He’s not around

If that don’t suit ya

Get outta town

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School’s been changed to prison

 

Okay, you whippersnappers, I love your music and always have but doncha dare touch Alice Cooper. Vintage, Baby. “Billion Dollar Babies”, “Love it to Death”, “Killer”, I’m tellin’ ya, I could go on. His Christian beliefs are a bonus and I mean the man LIVES the faith. Great musician and he is a testimony to all around, I’m in Heaven.

 

So now The Mayor gets dropped off and I’m sure he’s a little uneasy and who can blame him? Would you want YOUR mom going to the administration wing of Milford Reformatory and tell the lady at the desk she wants to get you enrolled? Oh, sure, here’s his birth certificate and his test scores from Milford Elementary. He might have to take Algebra again, he was having trouble with direct proportion. Yes, I can fax you his physical from our doctor. And he has to be passing in 4 solid subjects to be on the team? I’ll make a note of it. I’ll get a tutor for him in Modern Vocab. And call me if his grades are slipping.

 

While “Moanin'” is blasting from Charles Mingus off of “Blues and Roots” out of Dr. Pearl’s 8-track player

GODDAMIT!!!!! HIS REFORM SCHOOL RECORD IS SOMEWHERE ON THE DESK!!!! I THOUGHT IT WAS UNDER THE MILFORD PEST CONTROL INVOICE!!!!!!!!!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Yes?”

Coach Kaz opens the door

“Uh, Dr. Pearl, could you have the Pest Control guy do some extra spraying under the map of Slovakia? I saw a hornet’s nest.”

 

And conceding that moping wasn’t getting him anywhere, who wants to go to a school that supposedly calls itself Valley Alternative when the sign up front appears to read Goshen? As in Goshen Institute for Wayward Children? Goshen Treatment Center for Problem Students? By gum, if we can’t break him of his habit of bringing Chinet Plastic Knives to school, he deserves to share the lavatory with Papa Bader.

And coming from an engineering family (grandpa worked for Chrysler and G.E.) , I love math. And math involves fallacies in certain arguments. Like “post hoc ergo propter hoc”. This literally (everything is Latin henceforth) means “after this, therefore because of this” or loosely translated “I ain’t got no goddam business at a school that can’t even label its marquee board correctly”. This argument suffers from saying that B occurs whenever A occurs, therefore A causes B.

That won’t wash because B could occur for a number of reasons having nothing to do with A. B could be caused by Z or M or omega or Dr. Pearl’s Dentu-Cream. Proper research is in order.

The Mayor getting sent to Gil’s Reformatorium is a classic case of “post hoc ergo propter hoc.” Just because a common table knife was discovered in The Mayor’s locker does not necessarily mean it belongs to The Mayor, a point I’m sure Hadley Varnish will hit home at the District Board meeting. It could have been used by Coach Shaw to rob the Milford 7-11 to get some cash and condoms. The need for some chump change and no more children from his horny wife got to be too much, evidently. But he had to stash the evidence or it would blow his cover as a cameo coach.

The Bucket could have used his locker for table knives because the dispenser had to be sterilized and stacking them next to his street clothes and his table d’hote was about as sanitary an alternative as anyone could get. They just forgot to get all the knives when Milford Sanitary Enterprises returned the machine after a thorough dousing of suds.

And really, you could extend “post hoc ergo propter hoc” to The ‘Mudlark Whiffleball’  bumper sticker on Mama Knappe’s minivan was not necessarily a direct result of Gil’s coaching.” For all we know, Gil could have been trying to golf one out of the sand trap at Milford Public Golf Course when The Mayor parked one in the stands and won MVP as a result. Making Mama proud and getting on the green to save par don’t always correlate.

 

No more baseball

No more knives

No more living

A Mudlark’s life

 

Gil is past due

Out to pasture

Gone to Hole 9

Plot’s much faster

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gil’s Reformatorium For Discarded Plotline Characters To Construct An Extension Onto The Student Life Section!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Studies indicate a growing need for a building concentrating on meeting needs of ex-petty larceny contingent.”

 

And many of you simply fail to understand Fallacy of Division. This is totally different from Fallacy of Composition. Don’t get them confused. Fallacy of Composition states that if one’s a bum, they’re all bums.

Let’s bring it close to home. Say I throw out “Marty Moon wears a goatee and is a snake in the grass, therefore all men who wear goatees are cowardly, yellow-bellied vipers and only foot odor smell worse than their ethics. You can’t spray Dr. Scholl on Marty’s broadcasting techniques or the persona of other men who broadcast or perform white-collar duties or otherwise punch a time clock to earn a paycheck.”

This is faulty reasoning. If that were true, Magic Johnson would have been spraying liberally when he wasn’t executing the 3-on-2 against the Celtics at the LA Forum. Charles Mingus would be slithering around the studio while trying to play bass on “Better Git It In Your Soul”. Gil would be banging Mimi 24/7 in the closet when the kids were away at summer camp. Gil’s ethics, work or otherwise, may be shaky but for now just assume there’s nothing but coats and hangers in the closet. And that Gil displayed a goatee at one time just to aid and abet in this argument. You’ll just have to use your imagination.

Fallacy of Division IS JUST THE OPPOSITE. PLEASE keep that in mind so that when you’re taking the exam, you don’t miss the question and flunk the course and wind up sitting behind The Mayor in Intro to Sociology at Goshen Alternative Life Skills Academy.

Fallacy of Division says that if the whole group is one way, then the individual members are too. If that were true, Band of Gypsies, the classic by Jimi Hendrix, would have relegated him, Buddy Miles on drums, and Billy Cox on bass to nomadic status. They played music, not wandered the Mojave Desert with a caravan of Joe Tourists and Joe Gypsies.

Therefore, when Gil called The Mayor an idiot, he committed a most grievous error. Yes, Gil, I’ll concede that you’ve assembled a whole baseball team of idiots because, as Coach Stuard taught me, the coach is the tree and the players are the branches and if the coach is an idiot, well, Gil, do you expect the team to subsequently play smart and hard? Well?

STILL, with that said, if the team is composed of many garbage men, does that make The Mayor an employee for Milford Sanitary Engineering Solutions, Inc.? Well, you don’t see a garbage can lid in P2, do you? He didn’t ride to work in a garbage truck with “Milford Baseball Mom” bumper sticker on the back of the vehicle.

Therefore, assume that if The Mayor ever asks the lady at the desk where the dumpster is, he is

A) Throwing away a Twinkie wrapper and a Diet Coke can

B) Attempting to ditch this inane plot

C) Has to take a leak BEHIND the dumpster because the toilets in the boy’s room at Gil’s Reformatorium are out of order

D) All of the above

 

If ya got ta go ta reform school cuz ya could only repeat 5th grade so many times and the Milford District Board ruled ya ran past the Statute uv Limitations, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

Alice Cooper, accompanied by the Milford Elementary School 4th Grade Choir and Tonette Band

 

Now we’re stuck in class

There isn’t any teachers

And there isn’t any principal

No coach with bouncy skunk-black hairrrrr

 

School’s in for summer

School’s in forever

School will bore me to pieces

 

What? Dr. Pearl’s daughter is involved in a career in education TOO? She has that beehive right down to the yarmulke. But it looks like Dr. Pearl Junior applied some Grecian Formula for Women. Dr. Pearl evidently is allergic to it. No worries, Dr. Pearl. Polar bear hair is sexy, according to this article in National Geographic.

That said, Dr. Pearl Jr. couldn’t cut it in real estate? The career in cosmetology at Milford Beauty School fell through? The earrings weren’t chunky enough, I reckon, although they probably didn’t grade on a curve on her Show-and-Tell portion of the final exam if P2 is any indication. Because she didn’t apply enough Afro-Sheen to Mimi’s hair, Mimi looked like Billie Holiday as a Milford Cafeteria Lady, so Dr. Pearl Jr.’s kismet became the lead woman at the Information Desk at Goshen Valley School for Mudlark Retreads. I’ll bet there’s plenty of room for advancement.

 

Another fallacy is the Ad Populum Argument. This commits the fallacy of believing something because many or all of the people endorse that particular concept (“according to the people”) . This is a dangerous line of reasoning as we could be swayed to certain actions against our better judgment. Just because the Gallup Polls reported that 83% of the population read Gil Thorp and opine that he is 10 times better than Barney Google even if in the end they use the comic section to scoop up the dog poop/droppings in the hamster cage doesn’t mean we should go down to PetSmart and buy a beagle. Don’t base your decision to buy a litter box because the Milford Enquirer said that Gil was better than reading the Horoscope. An appeal to sound rhetoric is the higher road to pursue.

 

Gang, remember the Night Gallery episode “The Academy” where Pat Boone plays a slightly cold-hearted parent who is seriously considering sending his problem child to a military school run by a general, played by Leif Erickson (Larry Linville, who played Major Burns on M*A*S*H* for years, plays one of the cadets) ? The chiller is that this is no ordinary military school. Pat Boone recognizes some of the cadets who are well in their 30’s and 40’s after they got in trouble at school or with the law when they were teenagers and were eventually sentenced to this school. The fact they’re still doing drill is the overriding concern but the clincher is this statue of Erickson’s character with his arm around a boy. The general is pointing TOWARDS the school, not out towards the world with a “Go West, Young Man” flavor to it. Juvenile delinquents sent to a correctional facility are trapped when they become adults.

So when The Mayor gets dumped onto Boys Town-Goshen Valley Extension, it’s bad enough, as Teenchy mentioned, that chemical symbols are written in Aramaic somewhere across the Tigris-Euphrates but you hope to God there isn’t this statue of Gil with his arm around The Mayor out by the entrance. You pray Gil is pointing towards the Milford High School Baseball Facility, if nothing else.

And what the Hell could this kid be thinking when he asks a question like that in P3? Does he think The Mayor cruised around town with Al Capone? Sure, Al had a machine gun, The Mayor had a table knife when confronting The Sopranos.

“No, but I drove the getaway car when they held up Milford Federal Credit Union last week.”

Keep pointing towards the school, Gil. The Mayor might graduate by the time he’s eligible for Social Security.

 

Booby Howry uncovers his latest billboard

“Clarabelle the Clown uses a Poulan Weed Trimmer when manicuring his lawn. Shouldn’t you?”

 

I don’t think Booby’s latest offering will get him in trouble with Gil but definitely Booby is most definitely committing the Fallacy of Argument from Authority. Now if Clarabelle the Clown squirts his tears all over the Mudlark gym, Clarabelle the C is on Gil’s shit list but the billboard, though flawed, won’t draw Gil’s ire.

 

“And we’ll be back to see if The Mayor jumps the wall at The Academy or is forced to clean 500 rifles if he’s caught after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

“I hated to expel Mike from Milford High School. Lord knows he was like a son to me. I hadn’t been this close to someone like him since The Flapper Days.

And then there’s all the restaurants closing due to the pandemic. People just aren’t going to jump in the station wagon and overindulge at the buffet table at Milford Ponderosa.

And Milford Funeral Solutions recognizes that. They know they can’t stop death but they can help a brother in need. That’s why Milford Funeral Solutions is more than happy to announce that they are teaming up with Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen Inc. to aid a restaurant beaten and robbed on its way to Jericho. Lord knows that Milford Funeral Solutions may need Popeyes cooler section should there be an oversupply of caskets.

And to prove that death is always in demand, if your loved one dies and you hold the viewing and the service by the end of May, Popeyes will throw in a 10-Piece Mixed Chicken Special, complete with 10 Hand-Dipped Chicken Tenders and 5 Biscuits. If you can perform the cremation by the same date, Popeyes will add 2 sides. Throwing ashes in Mudlark Lake and Macaroni and Cheese, a winning combination. My husband partook of Hush Puppies when they scattered his grandfather.

Some of you encountered multiple deaths in the family. When grandmothers from both sides of the family give up their spirits at the Milford Convalescent Center, you don’t want to be malnourished after the priest reads the Last Rites. That’s why a White Meat to Celebrate Life Special is such a welcome relief. And Popeyes will spice up the festivities with Buffalo Wings if they donated their bodies to science. You can be assured that while you’re devouring your White Breast Meat and Cole Slaw that your loved one donated his or her kidney or heart so that that person’s own Celebration of Life gets postponed until their Meaning of Life is fulfilled.

Can’t afford funeral expenses? Not a problem. Milford Funeral Solutions and Popeyes will hold a raffle for 10 lucky contestants. The winner of the drawing will hear “Shall We Gather at the River” for the dearly departed while enjoying a 4-Pack Chicken Sandwich and Potato Fries Combo. We ask that you don’t slurp your Orange Crush during the proceedings out of respect for the dead.

Come to Milford Funeral Solutions and experience Christian charity at its finest. As Paul said in 1st Corinthians, there’s 3 things we need to abide by, Faith, Hope, and Charity. But the greatest of them all is a Popeyes Bucket Fill-Up. Heaven will never be the same.”

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. God bless you all.

 

At the District Board hearing, a concerned parent comes to the podium to voice his concerns

“…and furthermore, anybody who dips her beehive in a tub of Grecian Formula-Phosphate Free and Prell and Quaker State is not fit to be an administrator of Milford High School…”

Hey, best case of committing the Ad Hominem (“To the man”) Fallacy I’ve seen so far. He’ll probably have to restructure his argument should there be an appeal.

 

School’s in for the summer

School’s in forever

School’s IN, OH MY GOODNESS

 

“…where the students don’t matriculate but rather, are marooned. We call this painting ‘Milford High School’. And this is…The Night Gallery.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

April 30, 2020

What’s All This Fuss About Cramming Jif In Your Backpack With “A Midsummer’s Night Dream”?

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“Did you ever notice that Gil combs his hair with an afro pick? Oh, sometimes he hides it well but if you look closely, while Gil is crossing the line for the first time and the umps are getting Gatorade cups from the batboy, Gil slips it out of his back pocket where his Red Man Natural Cut chaw is located and he starts plucking away. Sometimes a Tilden manager or a New Thayer broadcaster has caught him in the act and they have accused him of exchanging emery boards with Gonzo Aceves and thereby doctoring the baseball. I don’t know. I’m not in the batter’s box where the ball drops 8 feet on a dime. A better question would be to ask, ‘Gil, did you ever think of establishing grooming methods BEFORE the game?’ It won’t put a dent on the schedule to utilize your blow dryer before you hand in the lineup cards to the umpires. This is just one man’s opinion but I’m confident the rest of the Valley Conference managers are in unison on the issue.”

No. No. No. Kenny Rogers who is actually Andy Rooney is getting to be a strain on my heart. The above passage was cathartic but it still leaves me asking more questions than answering them. And The Mayor is just adding to those questions. We’re still trying to figure out how to pronounce his last name. Don’t get me started. We’ll just bail out and stick with The Mayor. I’m still calming my nerves that Andy Rooney is interpreting Iago while Peter Pan Breath is the new Spicoli(Good call, Jive Turkey, BTW). You notice Phoebe took the last train to Clarksville? Notice THAT one is NOT in the Valley Conference. Some people can leave this plot and start a new life. Lucky them. We’re stuck with Aimless Andy who is trying to discipline a guy who brings his cuisine to class and applies Heinz Ketchup to his Trix. Well, Heinz Ketchup is sort of Raspberry Red.

Gang, I recently saw an article titled “7 Things You Never Knew About ‘Gunsmoke’.” As much as I am a Western buff and love watching the show as a result, it is really, really difficult for me to conceive Gunsmoke characters being Milford Enquirer material. And I am really trying. For that matter, I bet it is hard for the Gunsmoke personnel to conceive the same thing

“Matt Dillon: I Saw Elvis And Gil Partaking Whiskey And Playing Strip Poker At The Dodge City Saloon With Festus And Doc!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Oooooooookkkk, I think you get the idea. So the way I see it, as long as we’re going to take journalistic liberties, I might as well weigh in with some journalistic liberties of my own. Things were getting too quiet around my neighborhood.

Insight #1

Wink Martindale was originally cast for the role of Matt Dillon.

Now try to sit down. After all, it’s not every day that a Bob Clayton or an Art Fleming or a Bill Cullen or a Gene Rayburn is perceived to wear the sheriff’s badge along with reading from his note cards. Shooting at Billy The Kid and introducing the next guest on Match Game 2020 requires an aplomb reserved for only those like an Andy Rooney a/k/a Kenny Rogers a/k/a Mr. Hand. You have to practice.

“Hey, Martindale!!!!!!! I’ll double whatever they pay you on Gunsmoke if you’ll host The Joker’s Wild!!!!!! C’mon, you want to keep fighting Jesse James for 20 years and he shows up in next week’s script? What kind of future is that?”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Amanda Blake, Who Played Miss Kitty On ‘Gunsmoke’, Was Not Her Real Name!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Sources say she went by the sobriquet ‘Mimi Thorp’ and occasionally coached girls softball for a local high school.”

 

And BOOKS LOOK LIKE BOOKS in P1!!!!!!!! Not a “Given a rhombus, a supplementary angle, and a straightedge, construct a Cliff’s Notes Anthony Trollope Anthology.” That comes as a relief while Mr. Hand is compelled to remind Spicoli that food will be eaten on your own time. Hey, Mayor, you wouldn’t want Mr. Hand devouring Bucket Full o’ Spaghetti in your bedroom while you’re doing your homework, would you? Or when making a move on Phoebe with your Jif and Wonder Bread-Sesame Loaf? And I hope to God that pizza that Spicoli ordered is NOT in his backpack. There’s more food than study guides in that vessel.

“Did you ever wonder what was in The Mayor’s locker? I shudder to think. I know I personally have had to stash my BVD’s in my desk when I was in a hurry to do the show and I could always dress later. But I didn’t stack my Smuckers jars next to my Hanes. Oh, one day I’m sure The Mayor will see the light and treat his locker as a storage for books, not his personal refrigerator. We can only hope that he can get a date for the prom if he can convince Phoebe that he took his Ground Round out of his locker and put them in the meat freezer in his basement. I’d hate to see him get In-School Suspension on account of excessive Boston Market’s. The ball is in his locker.”

On the movie about bloopers

“Tune in tomorrow when Matt Dillon restores law and odor in Dodge City. Only on WDIG-TV.”

 

Insight #2

Miss Kitty uses Mr. Bubble and stole a couple of bottles from the Thorp residence, leaving Keri and Jaime gravely disappointed.

Man, I don’t know boutchoo but I thought pulling wings from flies and running over old ladies in a wheelchair on a random street corner in Milford was reserved for Hadley V. Baxendale. Looks like I need to renew my subscription to Entertainment Weekly.

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Restores Odor After Fracas In The Dugout!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I think The Mayor should start calling him ‘Z’.”

 

Insight #3

Doc tried to have sex change at Milford General Hospital.

Well, I reckon that’s one way to appeal to the bisexual audience. We all have our needs. Problem was, the surgeon was gone for a month somewhere on vacation on The Virgin Islands and couldn’t make it back in time before the shoot. Doc’s chance at properly sharing a bed with Miss Kitty had come and gone.

 

And lo and behold, The Mayor is copping an attitude while stashing his curds and whey back in his receptacle. He just doesn’t get it. Gee, Spicoli, if I were to bring my KFC 20-Piece Bucket to class and chow down on wings and breasts and gulp my side order of mashed potatoes while the teacher is discussing “The best of times and the worst of times”, I should expect Student of the Week too. It’s only right.

When Bob Knight was a player at Ohio State, he and John Havlicek and Larry Siegfried went to a movie theater to catch a film. Knight had this big bag of shelled peanuts which he was mercilessly crunching and then throwing the hulls to the floor and stomping on them, making an annoyingly loud and grating sound. Havlicek and Siegfried got up, partly to get some concessions themselves, partly to escape Peanuts From Hell. As they’re walking to the exit, Knight shouted out

HEY JOHN, GET ME A COKE, WOULDJA!!!!!!

But I’m not saying that The Mayor is crunching his curds and whey and interrupting Flannery O’ Connor. That’s not him stomping on his Trix.

“And can someone explain to me why Kenny Rogers looks like a polar bear that skipped hibernation to grade book reports on ‘Great Expectations’? He must have stolen the Santa Claus beard when he was purchasing firecrackers from Milford Novelty & Gifts. The producers must have been desperate and not wishing to restore Miss Othmar to the set. I would venture to say that Spicoli smashing Cracker Jack on the floor sounds more enticing than ‘wah-wah-wah’. But that’s one journalist’s opinion.”

 

Insight #4

Festus ran a brothel behind the Visitor’s Lodge at Mudlark Lake Resorts.

“Shhhhhh, just keep quiet and enjoy. If Peaches were to find out, it’d be the end of your career.”

Hey, what’s on this comedy site, stays on this comedy site.

 

Oh, sure, Mr. Hand Who’s Really Andy Rooney Who Wears Steel Belted Tires On His Chin, go to Granny Clampett when Spicoli won’t eat his vegetables while another student is reciting “When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloom’d.”

For God’s sake, does she EVER leave the room? How many more reports ARE there? She’s had 10 centuries. What’s left, Student Drug Testing Reports-Sophomores? It’s safe to say she didn’t know the score of the latest Mudlark baseball game. Unless Gil files that in ANOTHER report. Oh boy. Senior Statistical Accounts Based on Standard Deviation-Triples and Singles. Take a number, Goodrich Tire Face. You might want to take another trip in the blimp around the property while you’re waiting. Oh, wait, that’s GOODYEAR. They and Granny are the other guys, remember?

“I’m still soaking my dentures in alkali, 2-Ply Radial Head. Those Cherry Pop Tart stains won’t come out. Can’t it wait?”

 

Insight #5

Miss Kitty bred cheetahs in captivity.

I have always wanted to walk my cheetah in the park across the street from me. Status symbols mean a lot to me.

“Gil, Dolly pooped in the den again.”

“No worries. We’ll get her potty-trained before the month is over.”

 

“Did you ever think that Dr. Gonzo Pearl and Bigfoot are the same people? Think about it. You’re on the run. Bloodhounds are desirous of your gluteus maximus. Tourists want to pose with you in a Polaroid shot. Semi’s want to run you over because they’re on a schedule. And don’t assume that Bigfoot is a he. How would you know? Were you able to zoom in on the private parts with your telescope? And I’m conjecturing Gonzo had the same thought process. Get a wig someone threw in the trash can, pry some dental work from a dead coyote and take night classes in English at Milford Community College and next thing you know you’re filing Art Supplies invoices by the spoonful. Throw in some Certs to rein in your breath and who’s going to know?”

 

Insight #6

Miss Kitty was a go-fer under Dr. Pearl’s tutelage while Miss Kitty was taking acting classes.

SOMEBODY needed to take Dr. Pearl’s quilted skirts and dentures to Milford Dry Cleaners while Dr. Pearl was working on Football Field Maintenance Report-Animal Feces-2017. Cheetah droppings were only complicating the picture. Miss Kitty was providing a valuable service.

 

Gang, you mean the world to me. You definitely get out more than Dr. Gonzo. God bless you.

 

Insight #7

Wink and Miss Kitty were romantically involved off the set.

Several unconfirmed reports point out that they were seen in the same automobile at The Bucket Drive-In area. According to a veteran carhop, a 2-door Ford Comet used to always take Lane #11. He always ordered Bucket Pickle and Pimento Loaf w/ orange juice, she always ordered Bucket Gummi Bears to ward off any suspicion. Teenagers would start talking.

 

“…and I’ll be back next week to discuss what was said in Dr. Pearl’s office. Safe to say, it wasn’t about the spitwad caught in her wig that a student shot at her when she was soaking her dentures in Palmolive.  I’m Andy Rooney…”

“…I’m Morley Safer…”

“…I’m Scott Pelley…”

“…I’m Katie Couric…”

“…I’m Mike Wallace. We’ll be back next week with another edition of 60 Minutes…”

TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK…

 

 

 

April 29, 2020

That Peanut Butter Isn’t the Only Thing Nutso Around Here

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Looks like Gil Thorp has a new sponsor, Nutso Peanut Butter. Wonder if Nutso’s from the same people who brought you Nutboy. Either the Nutso mascot is foreshadowing Phoebe and The Mayor’s next encounter by making his O face or else he’s reenacting Mr. Peanut’s fall to his death.

Other random observations:

  1. Peanut butter on a bagel is not that unusual. Then again this is Milford, home of Schultz’s Polynesian Garden, so anything beyond white bread might be scandalous.
  2. Dunno about La Bus, but Le Bus is a Philadelphia bakery of long standing that’s facing the same troubles many small businesses in this country are right now.
  3. Where is that bagel, exactly? They’re not that hard to draw.
  4. What kind of idiot brings peanut butter into a classroom in this century? (Don’t answer that.)
  5. What kind of idiot brings a knife into a classroom in this century? Not one who’s in the class with Chance Macy.
  6. Either that’s an awkward facepalm* or Phoebe’s fixin’ to break into an awkward Batusi.
  7. Is that the late Kenny Rogers or Dr. Krieger from Archer teaching this Southern Gothic Literature course?
  8. If Flannery O’Connor’s name is invoked, can peacocks be far behind?
  9. If peacocks are involved, can rally hippos be far behind? (Considering Jamila’s still on the team, I’d give it even odds.)

 

*”Facepalm” might be a good tag to add to our “Categories & Tags” list. Will give it some thought.

April 28, 2020

Green Eggs And Ham Got A Smackdown Tonight.

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Well, take a look at that girl who loathes the boy’s green eggs and ham

He must be a wandering fool

He doesn’t see, his food isn’t cool

All the girls hold their noses and let him walk on by

 

She wants to be somebody else

She’d rather be somebody else

She’d just as soon kiss somebody else

She’s not dumb

 

He’s probably somebody’s only choice

Eats his Trix so moist

Yeahhhhh, he’s probably somebody’s last resort

 

As a couple of readers have acutely noticed, why the guys are in full uniform is anybody’s guess but why The Mayor probably has green eggs and ham in his gym bag is one $64,000 question that REALLY isn’t worth answering. What’s the consolation prize if I don’t answer it and not obtain my $64,000 cashier’s check? MORE green eggs and ham????

And did you notice that the relationship between The Mayor and Phoebe has suddenly went south? Get a clue, Mayor. Believe me, I have a sister and the phone used to ring off the wall at my house when we were teenagers for dates with her. If some guy was at a movie with her and was eating small curd cottage cheese and Honey Nut Cheerios and he washed it down with Movie Time Buttered from Goat’s Milk popcorn, that’d be the last time my sister dated that gentleman. And I’d be hearing it ALL NIGHT LONG how she got grossed out by his culinary diversions.

So yeah, Mayor, you might want to alter the scenery and get REAL food out of your Lazy Susan at home or in the cafeteria line. Don’t be mixing Nestle’s Quik and Brussel sprouts in your chem lab in your basement then trying to make a move on Phoebe. Scope Mouth Wash isn’t going to cover a multitude of digestive sins.

 

Because I am really not sure, after looking at a graph on how many times a word like, for example, “prevaricate” or “soupcon” was mentioned in 1820 or 1847 or 1901 or 1975, how they could measure something such as word usage at, say, The Bucket or The Golden Gate Bridge or the ferry carrying tourists to the Statue of Liberty

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Has Been Declared Missing By The Milford Civil Defense Commission, Finally Found At The Archives Department Of The Milford Public Library!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Me and Cochran were amazed. They used ‘velocitous’ that many times in 1876 at the Grand Canyon????”

 

And Mayor, get with it. Your cuisine is crock to other people. Phoebe is making it painfully obvious that your green eggs and lox is putting the damper on what could be a great relationship. I’d tell you to wake up and smell the coffee but it looks like you’ve already done that, straight out of the Folger’s can. Boy, that’ll get a date with Phoebe at the prom, fer sure.

Couldn’t you see the police report?

“I caught him free-basing Maxwell House behind the alley. He’s a sure trip to the Milford Rehab Center if the judge has anything to do with it.”

And it’s nice that Thorpiverse printed the score this morning. But a picture of a player bunting, another taking a bad cut at the plate, the baseball team looking stupid behind the chain link fence and The Mayor foisting his Green Eggs and Lucky Charms Protein Mix are really not the same as what you do on the field. There’ll be no Lucky Charms between the lines, Thorpiverse. Remember that.

 

I saw him gorging on his Wheaties that was pan-fried in P B & J

He must be eating on edge

Topped off with a potato wedge

And when the Pop Tarts and the pasta and the pork chops light up his butt

 

She’d rather eat in some other room

She’d rather skip his fart-thumping booms

She’d rather kiss a mossy-draped tomb

She’s not dumb

 

He’s probably somebody’s burned-out light

Flicker out tonight

Yeaaahhhhh

He’s probably somebody’s doggie bag

 

I try to shut my eyes but I can’t shake S’mores out of my mind

I beg this to be over and leave his Alpo far behind

I’m gonna walk up to him and overlook his diet pork rinds

 

And are we at The Mayor’s HOUSE or at one of the faculty lounges at Milford High School? Nobody can design a house so that it doesn’t remind me of a pot-luck supper at Milford Interdenominational?

Boy, do we have a whole wheelbarrow full of paraphernalia that we could cart to the back door of the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects. Crow and Tom Servo would be livin’ large.

To be honest, I was kinda glad to see Gazoo drop in and park his vehicle so it wouldn’t interfere with dinner. Great call, Gazoo. Gotta park it so we have a place for the bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy. We dont want to put the yams on the high chair now, do we? And I understand the spacecraft doubles as a flower pot. Flying around Deneb and Lyra and a receptacle for impatiens, your ship is very busy in the Spring, Gazoo.

Then WHAT is that thing with the M on it? A portable heater from Mudlark Heating & Air Conditioning???? Does he drag that damn thing around the house with his Wheaties? I’m sure he leaves it out in the hallway when he has to go to the bathroom. DO NOT haul that to the back seat of Muench’s bag of bolts.

Remember that commercial for Hanes Underwear when the young women were taught by Melba in this indoctrinating room that the boxers aren’t Hanes until ol’ Melba says they’re Hanes?

Well,

“Gil, what are you doing?”

“What’s it look like? The dumbasses at Mudlark Heating & Air Conditioning forgot to laser tag the air conditioner again and I’m not turning it on to “fan” until the “M” is on the grill.”

“Gil, as long as you can cool off in your recliner smoking your cigar and drinking your Moet and Chandon while listening to Duke Jordan’s “Flight to Denmark”, what’s the fuss?”

“Woman, you don’t know jackshit about quality. Did Custer go into battle with an hammer and sickle decorated on his flag? Rest my case.”

 

Special headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Police Raid At Thorp Residence Nets Interesting Find!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Cars out in front were part of a party that was intent on inquiring about the multiple usage of the word “perspicacity” at Tombstone in the 1880’s. Clanton Brothers were disallowed.”

 

And WHAT is the cookie jar doing at the top of the cupboard? Does The Mayor truly need a stepladder to get Chips Ahoy? What other reason could there be for this particular Mysterious Object to be positioned in the Mystery Location? I guess we can’t have Grandma Mayor come over and munch on Oreos while the roast is in the oven. It’ll spoil her dinner. I don’t know why it’s OK for The Mayor to sip on egg nog and celery but I reckon we have to have protocol somewhere. Nobody would ever eat the roast. The oven would then be one more place for Gazoo to park his contraption.

Well, those look like apples anyway. Granny Smith or Golden Delicious, I can’t remember which. I don’t THINK Thorpiverse would try to sneak Red Delicious plums on us and stack ’em in the bowl.

 

At the Thorp household one fine afternoon

“Gil, what is a Martian doing in our oven? Goes by the name Yahoo, I thought I heard him say. I was going to bake rhubarb pie.”

“Mimi, I told you that you should have sprayed down the oven with Pam.”

 

And in P3, Phoebe keeps throwing them and The Mayor keeps eating them. Is The Mayor eating a record album? Don’t get me wrong, Focus, essentially the Led Zeppelin from Holland, has always put out killer music with Jan Akkerman being the Jimmy Page of the group but ain’t no way I’m putting “Moving Waves” on the griddle. Ever heard of a phonograph, Mayor? No, you don’t set the oven dial on 33 & 1/3. I give the readership permission to shoot me if I ever grill The Rolling Stones’ “Exile on Main Street” on the Smokemaster, let alone thicken it with Kraft Barbecue Sauce. Mayor, as the album commands, you better scrape that shit right off your shoes. And your Thermos and album sleeve. Phoebe is pretty much saying the same thing but she’s a Christian and has to watch her language to stay under the radar of the sensors.

 

I got some inspiration. I read an article that said that Erectile Dysfunction is caused by the wrong side of the brain controlling our impulses. So THAT’S why my sexual life has never been like “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”. I kept reading

 

 

“We’ll be back to see how Rachel Ray basted that Turkey Flambe Swimming in Nutrament Bars after these messages. This is WDIG-TV.”

 

At the Thorp household once again, after a dinner of fried quiche, cheese, and wine, with Nutrament Vanilla Bars for dessert with Gazoo as the honored guest

“I thought Gazoo would NEVER leave. Who wants to hear dirt about Fred Flintstone actually using X-Lax? Wilma can’t be that bad of a cook-”

“Mommy, why does Daddy have all these wires on his head?”

“What are you talking about?”

“He’s watching Gunsmoke and he’s trying to shock himself. He says he wants to be as hard as Matt Dillon.”

In the living room, Gil’s head looking like a switchboard

“Gil, why are there Christmas tree lights on your head?”

“Dillon, don’t let Miss Kitty say you’re as limp as the pony in your barn!!!!!! Stand up and be counted!!!!!!!!! Oh, hey, Mimi, I went to Milford True Value and got some wires, lights, and a small fuse box. One flick of the switch and I shock the left side of my brain into action. That controls your sexual prowess. Man, I get harder than the saloon doors. It works better than Doc’s cough syrup.”

“Mommy, if I took Robitussin, would I get erect?”

“No, Jaime, of course not. Gil, you’re embarrassing me. Take those wires off and I will show you a better way.”

“When Matt Dillon is being tested by Wyatt Earp about his manhood? If I had to drop my pants and have nothing to show for it at Tombstone, I’d deserve to get my ass blown off by the Clanton Boys too. This wiring connection keeps me connected and ensures proper blood flow. I can set my wine glass on it while taking a drag from one of Stone’s cigars. Amazing what technology can do.”

“Mommy, does that mean I can get hot flashes from Flintstones chewables and the batteries in my Barbie car?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Keri!!!!! Daddy is just a little misled. The plot has gotten to him. Gil, with the power of Alka-Setzer, you can plop plop fizz fizz your limp garden hose and make it spray all over the yard with these EREC-3000 Medications.”

“Mommy, is that like turning on the hose-”

“Tune in to Part 2 next week, ‘Matt’s Masculinity on the run at The Santa Fe Trail’ on most of these stations.”

“I have to wait another week to see if Dillon can overcome his ED and wipe out the Dalton gang? I paid $20 for this switchbox and all I got was same Bat channel and an itchy jock strap.”

 

“Gil finally listened to me. He took those EREC-3000’s and threw the wires in the trash. And Gazoo finally got back to his home in the Milky Way so there’ll be no more surprises when I light the gas stove. What’s even better is that Gil and I are having the time of our lives. Nice to get those Good Vibrations without having to buy light bulbs. Come down to Milford Men’s Clinic and get your own vibrations. With proven plans and treatments, isn’t it time YOU shake ‘n’ bake? Gil certainly doesn’t have to pan-fry anymore.

 

Gang, thank you for your input. Let me get those Oreos off the roof and show you my appreciation. BTW, I think the M Mystery Object is The Mayor’s oxygen tank. I guess I’d need it too if I ran short of breath from Twinkies and Ultra Slim Fast Melange.

 

Tomorrow’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gonzo Pearl Is Found In Abandoned Coal Mine Shaft After Being Missing For 2 Weeks!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I may need welder’s glasses for 2 months but I DID find out how many times ‘phantasmagorical’ was used from the caveman art on the wall.”

 

 

In Gil’s office where Coach Thorp is poring over the scouting reports for his next opponent

“Moving waves, the wind has left you and you are still in commotion

We are still repeating the word it has taught us, it moves our whole being to ecstasy

Waves, why do you all become excited and then all calm together…”

BBBUUUUURRRRRPPPPPP

BELCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Gil, that’s the 7th Focus album you’ve consumed. And your doctor warned you to watch the sodium.”

“I know, Kaz. Gotta stop the binge-eating.”

 

I’d hate to have to see Kaz do the Heimlich Maneuver on Gil when “Round Goes The Gossip” is caught in his throat.

 

Anyway, God bless you, Gang.

 

 

 

 

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