This Week in Milford

April 23, 2022

Blind mans bluff

A quick review of the weeks strips ( I was out in Tucson all week on a golf /swimming / sightseeing / spring break vacation) and its astonishing how Gregg Hamm is getting through life the way he is.

I had terrible eyesight as a kid too, and wound up getting Lasik in 2001 with corrrection to 20/30 thats now about 20/40. But I merely had astigmatism, and it seems Gregg here is basically half blind even WITH glasses. One of the many things I learned out in the valley of the sun was that bats arent blind– they actually see very well, and also listen to vibrations in the air to detect predators.

As I said before, I cant imagine how Gregg is a pitcher even with a catcher who knows him, as part of the duty of pitching is defending your own position, and hey, if a rocket comes back at him, how can he see it fast enough? Ok, maybe it doesnt matter how well you see sometimes; as we’ve all seen pitchers knocked down by batted balls. But he has many other things to do besides pitch every 4 days in spring. You need your eyes 365 days a year.

No idea what the hell that is on P1, (just figured it out, I thought it was something they had at the field to make noise, and the girl was the DJ)

Then there’s P3. A pink clad pitcher, throwing to a pink clad batter, with a red clad catcher, and there’s Gregg standing right behind the batter thinking about his fastball that may come right back at him in a millisecond. I need help here– and just getting back home I’m not ready to think that much. Have at it gang!

April 16, 2022

The Mudlarks’ second baseman develops wacky signals, a breakdown

Hey kids! Didja ever wonder whatever happened to Jaxxxon Kiser? Well wonder no more! He grew up and changed his name to Eli “Scooter” Borden. Just look at him – the same monster paws, the same glazed-over stare at no one and nothing in particular – no way they’re not out of the same gene pool.

Anyhoo this little trivia buff has obviously burned a lot of brain cells coming up with this scheme that he’s only gonna use with this one pitcher, that’s gonna require the catcher to buy in and, oh yeah, that the coaches are gonna go along with too. Think Scooter and the Hammer are gonna let Gilberto and El Kaz in on this ploy? How many games into the season before Milford’s opponents pick up on it? It might work in a non-conference game against one of those school’s Neal’s buddies went to, but it won’t take long for, say, Goshen to pick up on Borden’s chatter and start banging on trash cans.

Smirky Charis does nothing to dispel the notion that she’s definitely not with Scooter because of his mouth.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got. Back to bed.

March 5, 2022

A Growth Opportunity?

Gene Rayburn: “Self-anointed Captain Selfish Hollis Talley is so selfish…”

Studio audience: “How selfish is she?”

Gene Rayburn: “Self-anointed Captain Selfish Hollis Talley is so selfish, she asked Coach Thorp to [BLANK].”

Gary Burghoff: “She asked Coach Thorp to make everyone pass her the ball?”

Brett Somers: “She asked Coach Thorp to put a hard seltzer dispenser in the locker room.”

Charles Nelson Reilly: “She asked Coach Thorp to pass her the loofah in the shower.”

Patti Deutsch: “She asked Coach Thorp to make her assistant coach.”

Richard Dawson: “She asked Coach Thorp to put her on the rack.”

Betty White: “She asked Coach Thorp to move her to guard, even though she’s taller than most of her teammates, so that she could get experience at the position so that she could try out for the Air Force Academy basketball team.”

With that ultimate Frisbee crack, you think Rubin’s aiming for a crossover with Mary Worth?

(apologies to tdrew for using the Match Game schtick)

January 29, 2022

Three blondes, two toaster pastries, one hairdo

The Trevor Lawrence has caught on like wildfire among the Valley kids: first it was Gabe Landau, then it was Valley Tech’s #11, and now it’s Junior Birdgirl here who’s rocking the stringy blonde locks. Low maintenance, especially when you’ve gotta futz around with those ginormous earrings before and after each game. Takes less thought to draw, too.

Speaking of less thought, Whigham went through some mental gymnastics to come up with today’s product placement. I reckon it went something a little like this:

What is it with Milford kids and free food? No, seriously. Offer up free eats and these kids will do almost anything, even play in a ridiculous organized pick-up softball game. We’ve seen hints thrown that some families in the Valley aren’t very well off or are struggling financially (Aaron Aagard and his mom, the Jansens, the Karennaninas, the Clarks, maybe the Smiths). Is food insecurity a thing there? There are planty of restaurants and bars, S-marts and Speedcos, but have we ever seen a grocery store in Milford? It is kinda Rust Belty there, so food insecurity could be a lurking subtext in Gil Thorp. But I digress. (The things your mind wanders to when you’re snowed in.)

Hollis is trying to ease into the leadership role conferred on her as captain, plying Cressa with off-brand toaster pastries in an effort to find out why she’s not playing as well as she did last season. How well did Hollis play last season, btw? Was she even in Milford? Usually someone who gets chosen to lead has some combination of recognized experience, talent and, well, leadership ability. Hollis and her appointment to Colorado Springs showed up on the scene fully formed like Athena from the head of Zeus.

Will Hollis lead by example, by encouraging Cressa with constructive criticism, a pep talk and a Pop Jiffy Tart, or by busting her chops like a doolie? That’s the cliffhanger we’re left with today. Time to go break out the snow blower. Hope the rest of you don’t have to. teenchy out.

January 28, 2022

Landry Confusion

Filed under: ?, actual action, basketball, Colorist Error, What the hell is going on here? — robmize2013 @ 8:49 pm

Some exciting girls hoops action results in a Milford win even though they act like theyre behind forcing a bad shot that misses so they win. Who plays for who? Does Landry Carlson play for Valley Tech? Who has all-purple uniforms anyway? What kinda shot is that in P2 that rockets off the backboard so hard it misses the rim completely? I remember throwing a ball off the backboard in that manner so I could catch it and dunk it at my neighbors 7-foot rim. But thats a pretty weak effort for a last shot, even though its meaningless in context since they were ahead anyway. Does the strip writer even read his own dialogue?

P3- back on the bus as all’s well that ends well– why would someone have toaster tarts after a game like that? Dont they have to be heated or something? Funny how Cressa who got beat on the baseline is wearing the same color jacket as her uniform. Maybe Carlson plays for Milford and on defense forced a wild shot? Ah, thats it. But confusing nonetheless.

And how is Milford wearing purple and the opponent dressed like they usually dress??

I’m running out of question allotment. Fire away with your answers gang!

January 22, 2022

Tell It Like It is Saturday

Today’s strip features two characters hearing things about themselves they don’t really want to hear. But before we dive into today’s story and tacking onto robmize’s comment about fishwrap, I just gotta ask: has the Milford Star always been a tabloid? If so, then some things start making sense.

Not far away and across a river from where I live lies Mercer County, New Jersey, home to the state capital Trenton and served by two newspapers: The Times and The Trentonian. How such a small market can sustain two papers in this day and age is remarkable, but the answer is straightforward: while The Times played it straight offering Washington Post-style reporting, The Trentonian played it yellow and offered Page 6 Girls, bikini-clad, PG-13 versions of The Sun‘s Page 3 Girls. The Trentonian also gave Ernie Kovacs a regular column, so I guess it had that going for it. Maybe, then, there’s another newspaper in Milford and/or the Valley that plays it straight.

Tabloid news is designed to get a rise out of its readers, and in Milford it’s no different. Cathy is so upset by Heather Burns’ Lady Mudlark hit piece that Hollis had to console her by quoting The Dude swapping blouses. It’s what a good captain does. (Okay, you tell me how they ended up in each other’s shirt, then.) For her sake, Cathy had better never find out that Heather was just paraphrasing something Mimi told her. Tough for the little snitch to learn that the Lady Mudlarks’ early struggles may lie with her and not with the two players she ratted on for not attending the non-mandatory post-practice practice.

Smash cut to the halls of Milford High School, home of lockers big enough to qualify as studio apartments in Manhattan. (Steve Luhm’s beat it back from Casa Talley quickly enough to get both floors squeaky clean.) Trevor Lawrence is the first of Pranit Hollywood’s teammates to throw his little gambling scheme back in his face, but it doesn’t stop Pranit from bragging about his success. Of course he’s successful now; that’s how the house sucks you in.

January 19, 2022

Pranit, Practicing for His Deposition

If Rubin would spend as much time developing characters and dialogue as he does giving them wacky names and explaining their origins, Gil Thorp might actually be an interesting strip.

Seriously, do any of you gentle readers feel like something’s missing here – something that could be clarified with some punctuation or words in boldface? Does any of this sound like anything a human would actually say? Is the Valley that Milford plays in the Uncanny Valley?

What starts out here reading like a recruiting pitch from Pranit for the Church of the SubGenius turns into some kind of explanation as to how he’s able to bet on sports online despite not being of legal gambling age. The most logical way to read this (at least to me, and that’s not saying much) is that the DraftKings Sportsduke account is Pranit’s, and he just put his older brother’s name on it in an attempt to skirt the law. The fact that the account is tied to a minor’s bank account should have been obvious to anyone at Sportsduke responsible for account creation.

None of this will matter to the mooks who come to break Pranit’s kneecaps when he starts losing money he can’t pay back, either via Sportsduke or by shaving points from Mudlark basketball games. It will come as a surprise to Bob when those mooks come to break his kneecaps as well.

One of the tenets of the Church of the SubGenius is “Slack,” a quality vaguely defined but which is sought to be acquired by its members. I can only vaguely define the reasons for my late post today, but suffice it to say that I have been slack in not getting it posted sooner.

December 17, 2021

Dammit, Pranit!

Filed under: basketball, Milford Idiots, What the hell is going on here? — nedryerson @ 7:06 pm

Hey! What the hell is going on here? Is this basketball practice? Is Pranit Smith actually on the basketball team? Maybe this is just phys ed in the gym? I don’t know. I agree with the guy in Panel 3, Pranit does seem to suck. That shouldn’t keep him of the varsity squad though. Gil has no plans for his team to ever make the playdowns again.

I assume we’ll eventually get some clarity on the basketball team. For now, we’ve still been taking a deep dive into Pranit Smith’s heavy involvement with an online fantasy football on a site that apparently everyone knows about, Sportsduke. Really? I’m sorry if this was already discussed, but Sportsduke is the best Rubin could come up with? I guess it’s an approximation of Draftking, but still, it makes me think of Sportspuke. Whatever you call it, it’s just tone deaf that it’s something that Pranit’s friend would casually reference and not get nothing but shrugs from the rest of the “team”. Okay, sports wagering was apparently a big deal or so says gap toothed kid in Panel 2. There was a notorious football pool that Pranit dominated until they shut him out. Obviously, that means he’s a ringer in Sportduke.

Unfortunately, the die has been cast. As long as Pranit is hanging around, I have a feeling Sportsduke is going to be front and center. Shrug.

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