“Gil, They Can All Boom It From 50+ Yards, But One of the Seven Chinese Brothers Has Turf Toe.”

 

 

Seven Chinese Brothers were once asked

If they could punt

Six were sure of foot

Five kicked 50 yards

One was a runt

 

Gang, as you might surmise, this post will have an REM flavor to it. Why not? One of the more influential Rock ‘n’ Roll bands, and then some, they will weigh in today on this plot already on life support. Call it pulling the plug on this vegetable with a little help from my friends.

 

Brace yourself. Gil is starting to get intellectual on us. I should have seen it coming when the other day Kaz and Joe started sounding like the VideoHound. I understand Leonard Maltin will be giving the pregame speech the next game.

“You guys could do better in the plot but I liked the cinematography. Those poplars on top of a rosebush we see in the background at Mudlark Stadium save the film from a total disaster and the script, though I’ve seen better in Godzilla vs. The Mudlark, peters out and gives us a ray of hope should there be a sequel. Now kick New Thayer’s ass, Gentlemen.”

“LET’S DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

And sure, not all coaches are dumb jocks, having been involved as a high school booster/coach, but  Coach Kaz looking like he just read out of Fodor’s French in 10 Days is REALLY stretching it. Next thing you know, he’ll be utilizing all the French words we use in English anyway just to display to the world that there’s a Harvard side to him.

“Gil, voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?”

“No, Kaz, I can’t go with you to the cafeteria for breakfast. My doctor told me to cut back on the bacon/egg soufflé and grits. No Cream of Wheat either.”

So the next time you see graffiti in stall #3 in the boys bathroom and it reads “Madame Pearl est plein de le merde”, it won’t require Miss Marple to find out who the culprit is.

 

Situation clearly sucks

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Pistons in combustion chamber stuck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Gil would sport much better luck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

In his bathtub coaching his rubber duck

doo dee doo dee doo dee doo dee doo

Ohhhhhh, wish we were on our way

la da da da DA DA

Basketball next day

la da da da DA DA

We can only plead and pray

 

Ages of Gil

Ages of Gil

Ages of Gil

Yeah

 

And JUST WHEN Gil and Kaz go Einstein on us, P2 confirms it was a false sense of security.

POP QUIZ TODAY???????

Isn’t pop ANYTHING meant to convey a sense of surprise with the intention of compelling your underlings to cough up information that you should have been studying the night before instead of going to the Milford Bijou to watch “The Return of the Brady Bunch: Mr. Brady Transfers to Milford Toyota As A Corporate Lawyer”? And speaking of the Brady Bunch, isn’t that Mr. Price, y’know, old-timers, the one Peter Brady was snowing because he was so focused on working on the school newspaper that he forgot to memorize all the capitals of Latin America and South America? He still might have passed if he’d taken more time spelling “Tegucicalpa” correctly. Spell-checker might have helped, Peter.

“Peter Brady, you still might have saved your grade but Tijuana is not the capital of Honduras.”

“My bad, Mr. Price.”

“I’ll give you half credit for remembering that Bolivia has two capitals, La Paz and Sucre if you’ll try to remember that America did not sign over the Panama Canal to Aramco.”

“Gee, thanks, Mr. Price. Your wife looked good in that bikini at Mudlark Lake Resort last weekend. She’s fit and trim at 87 years old.”

 

Shout-out to Kathlynn Turner of Jeffersontown, Kentucky. I LOVED your sharing how your family members, Bill Davis and Levi Beauchamp, were truck drivers for several years and worked countless and thankless hours at their jobs so we could get the goods we wanted ASAP. They certainly kept the flow going for the finer things in life. Gang, they kept America moving. They are the unsung heroes that keep our economy STRONG. Without them, we wait DAYS for our favorite items to come, as in the past, Colonial or Cowboy period, take your pick. I salute you, Levi and Bill. You too, Kathlynn.

 

Gang, whaddup wit this quid pro quo stuff?

“Okay, Joe, then it’s settled. You can have my entire DVD collection of ‘Planet of the Apes’ including ‘The Battle of Armageddon Decimates Milford on the Planet of the Apes’ if you’ll kick for us.”

“Throw in Coach Thorp’s ‘Them!!!!!’, ‘Tarantula’, and ‘The Blob Swallows Milford’, and I’ll call it deal.”

” ‘fraid not. Coach says that was his collector’s items when he first started the strip and they’ve been in the heirloom for ages. His grandma watched them on her old Victrola.”

“How ’bout REM’s “The Footballs of Guatemala” to sweeten the pot?””

 

Milford & Oakwood train whistle introducing next song, accompanied by strtident guitar lick on Marty’s ukulele, just imagine the possibilities, Marty and Peter Buck in a guitar duel

 

Windout

Can you kick a ball

Windout

Does Kaz care at all

Windout

Should we return Gil’s call

Windout

Will you play this Fall

 

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

Punt Punt Punt Punt

(Great guitar licks, Peter Buck, way to apply the pressure with your strings)

 

Oh, Mister Bolek

 

Should we doubt

That you’re done with film

Windout

That you’ll take the helm

Windout

The team won’t go to Hell

Windout

The strip stays put as well

 

Windout

Windout

Windout

WINDOUT

Punt Punt Punt Punt

 

I was tempted to call this plot “Dead Letter Office”. Nah, no sense in disgracing the group with a plot in a coma. Anyway

I’M GETTING TIRED OF THIS PLOT IN A CIRCUS TENT…Uncle Gil

Okay, Gil looks nowhere near like Uncle Ben, I can’t even imagine him on the rice box, it’s literally black and white,  but I’m taking poetic license here.

 

If ya think Fodor’s French in 10 Days is shoveling cow manure with mustard on the Streets of Milford within the same period of time and ya follow through by gettin’ shovel, pick-ax, trowel, cement mixer, and backhoe at Milford Rent-All, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

“No, Coach, I didn’t see the movie. I was getting back in shape. How’d it wind out?”

“You should have seen it!!!! A deaf, dumb, and blind kid kicks the pigskin straight through the wickets and the team wins the State. Then he dies of suffocation in the dog pile.”

 

WHO SHOT COACH SHAW?

At the Milford Police Station

“Ugly rumor that it was Joe Bolek”

“Negative. He was seen by several eyewitnesses sneaking into Milford Adult Theater on Classic Porn Night to watch ‘Deep Throat’.”

 

Seven Chinese Brothers donning their helmets and shoulder pads

Waiting for their time to play, this is awfully, truly sad

3rd and 18 on the Mudlark 25, doubt they’ll get their chance

Stay warm in the meantime, executing the cha-cha dance

 

Seven Chinese Brothers wallowing on the sideline

Gil and Kaz lacking clear direction or ANY guideline

Please get a clue

Please get a clue

 

And as long as I’m going to beat this one in the ground, Coach Kaz trying to imitate Gerard Depardieu(“Man, Kaz, you’ve got talent. I also liked your Donald Duck, James Brown, Homer Simpson, Slim Pickens, and Bozo imitations. You ought to audition at Milford Girls-a-Go-Go Club on Talent Night”), c’est la vie(French for “Gil prefers Charmin instead of Brawny when he’s situated in the Port-o-Let”) reminds me of my favorite group, Emerson, Lake, & Palmer who did a song with that title, off the album “Works”, a slightly ambitious production that got better with age, released back in 1977. But this is taking a turn for the worse.

“I’ll trade you my ‘Pictures at an Exhibition’, ‘Tarkus’, and ‘Emerson, Lake, & Palmer: Live at the Milford VFW Lodge’, and my collection of Greg Maddux cards if you’ll kick for the team and give me ‘Remember The Titans.’ I wanna see if Denzel Washington can teach me anything new.”

“Throw in that video of Keith Emerson spinning ’round and ’round on his organ while playing ‘Fanfare for the Common Man’ and a bunch of drunk navy veterans throwing Sterling cans at him in the VFW Lodge ball room, and I’m good.”

“Deal.”

 

Oooooooooooookkkkkkkkk, gang, to commemorate the TV clips you see get lopped off at the Milford Shell after you’re finished pumping your gas

 

“And Milford is gonna kick it. This is for the win. DeWindt, the holder, the Seven Chinese Brothers will be kicking against the wind, here’s the snap, THE KICK——-”

THANK YOU!!!!!!! CLERK HAS RECEIPT

 

“Peter, why are you late?”

“Sorry, Mr. Price, I went to the Milford Men’s Clinic for Teenagers and I OD’d a little on the stuff. I had a little bit of a hard time putting on my Levi’s. I was thinking about your wife and how much fun I was having mentally undressing her and that just added fuel to the fire. Her boobs really looked nice while jumping off the diving board.”

“Well, I must admit, your snow jobs are creative.”

“Thank you. She’s probably somebody’s baby tonight. And it was a toss-up between her and Bo Derek.

 

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m going to the travel agency and get “Fodor’s Milford on $10 a Day”

 

Seven Chinese Brothers shooting dice until it’s time

Finding out in vain that Gil’s acumen weighs but a dime

They almost went in, 3rd and 10 to kick the winning goal

Play was called back, refs blew foul, receiver flagged for a hold

 

Seven Chinese Brothers wallowing on the bench

Seven Chinese Brothers had enough of this stench

Please let ’em play

Please let ’em play

 

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I came here to snark on bad coaching, not to become a cineaste!

Kaz and Joe stood there and looked at each other in silence for five minutes?  That settles it: Kaz is not salaried faculty or staff but hourly contingent labor. In any universe even remotely based in reality a coach might have given a student 5 seconds – okay, 10 seconds if we’re being generous – to answer before telling them to get out of their office the hallway and go to their next period class, or catch a school bus, or whatever.

As with The Legend of Bagger Vance, I’m not going to rehash the plot of Rififi here. The Wikipedia entry for the film states that “[a]fter he was blacklisted from Hollywood, [Director Jules] Dassin found work in France where he was asked to direct Rififi. Despite his distaste for parts of the original novel, Dassin agreed to direct the film. He shot Rififi while working with a low budget, without a star cast, and with the production staff working for low wages.” Low budget? No stars? Staff working for low wages? We could be talking about the Mudlark football team and its coaching staff.

I’d be okay with the next 28 panels of this strip having no dialogue and just action. You?

 

metapost: Do any of you loyal readers read TWIM on a smartphone?  I compose it on a Dell laptop with AdBlock Plus installed, but usually read comments during the day on an Android phone. Often when I do, I get spammy popup ads telling “Dear Andriod User” that I have won something or other and which I cannot close or navigate away from without closing my browser.  If anyone else is having those problems, please comment (I mean, in addition to any snark) so we can get to the bottom of this. Thanks.

If Joe Is Rannulph, Then Who Is Bagger?

Well, that’s not the movie I expected Joe Bolek to be talking about.

I honestly struggled with this post for a couple of hours, as Rubin’s analogy – or, rather, my interpretation of Rubin’s analogy – has made me a little uncomfortable.  Without rehashing the entire plot of The Legend of Bagger Vance (or The Mahabharata) here, suffice it to say that the film was roundly criticized for its reliance on the stereotype of The Magical Negro.  If Joe sees himself in the Rannulph Junuh/Arjuna role, who does he see as his Bagger Vance?

Andre Ruffin, who told him that the Mudlarks need a punter? Andre’s the only identifiably black player we’ve seen in the arc thus far, but his role has been more a conduit of information rather than a guy who makes things happen or a stern member of the judiciary.  Kaz, who’s trying to convince him to come punt for them?  Since Joe calls Kaz “Mr. K” and not “Coach K,” I don’t think Joe can go for Kaz being his mentor. Besides, Joe’s already been clued in about the Mudlarks’ punting woes and has probably concluded that no one on the Milford coaching staff can properly coach a punter.

Maybe, then, it’s Joe who sees himself as Bagger Vance: a godlike sage who will teach some hapless Mudlark the fine art of punting, asking for nothing in return but the opportunity to analyze game film. Next thing you know, we’ll see him down by Rosemary and Cameron, handing out The Bhagavad Gita.

Yeah I’ve seen ‘Dumb and Dumber’ too.

Every time you think you’ve seen it all in this strip, you get the next storyline and its even more hare-brained then the last one. After having tryouts, practices, summer camps, 7-on-7 drills, cuts, final rosters made, and games played, we have Kaz searching the hallways for a PUNTER.

I believe my high school team has played 5 games, and is playing game 6 tonight. Of course Milford is a month behind, but now is a fine time to be looking for a damn punter. Where the hell was this conversation when Gil said they had 2 problems and 1 solution? Oh why not wait til you let 2 games go down the tubes, then instead of finding a punter yourself, ask one of the kids who can kick? I mean, really.

Who knows what movie Joe is talking about, but my guess is Dumb and Dumber. Describes the Milford coaching staff to a T. Kaz is the latter.

In Search Of The Lost Punter

Timothy Leary’s dead

We need a punnnnn-terrrrr

For the team

 

We’re flat broke and busted

Our name’s dragged in the mud

We need a talented tooeeeee

Timothy Leary

 

Sorry, gang, sue me. I’m feelin’ cocky after the Moody Blues FINALLY got inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame and the Murder, She Wrote questioning that Coach Kaz is implementing with Son of Mr. T. (“YA NEED RAY GUY, FOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!) was the spark that got the fire lit. Talk about being On The Threshold of a Dream.

And what high school coach IN ANY SPORT goes to the school cafeteria and skips from student to student to track down a talented player, especially at a skill position? You ever heard of TRYOUTS, Gil and Kaz? That’s what you do BEFORE the season gets underway, not 1 or 2 games into the swing of things. (Perhaps you might have been better off skipping Frick and Frack and their golf game and let them slug it out with They’re Actually Bullies?)  They DO gotta turn in a physical, more than likely in this case PAST DUE, even if you succeed in turning up that special someone who can fill the void. I’m assuming Kaz is not going to ask the cafeteria lady stocking the Twinkies and Ho Ho’s in the slots at the cafeteria line if she can sail one at least 30 yards. She’s too late and too old. Not that would stop hi,m, you understand.

“Jughead, you know of any good punters?”

Munching on his 276,843rd hamburger

“Hmmmmmmmm, you might wanna try Moose. I heard his kicking distance matches his IQ.”

Reggie Mantle chimes in

“How ’bout Mr. Weatherbee?”

Archie Andrews weighs in

“Reggie, you know the ‘Bee pulled a hamstring. He did it last month in the Riverdale Croquet Tournament.”

 

THE CASE OF THE TRAIL OF THE PURPORTED PUNTER

The new Hardy Boys Mystery now available at Milford Book & Music Exchange!!!!!!!!!!,

Gang, you ougtha see the cover. Coach Kaz, the Hardy Boys, Encylopedia Brown, Sally Kimball, Bugs Meany and his gang are on some country road somehere at night with their flashlights and magnifying glasses, searching for clues.

“Look!!!!! Over there in that cornfield!!!!!!!!! There’s somebody’s foot!!!!!! Some crow is picking at it!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“And WHO SHOT COACH SHAW?”

“FOOL. ANYBODY KNOWS THE ANSWER TO THAT. IT WAS PROFESSOR PLUM WITH THE KNIFE IN THE CONSERVATORY”

“The Milford Enquirer said the library.”

“SHOWS YOU HOW MUCH THEY KNOW. THEY SHUT IT DOWN FOR A WEEK CUZ THERE WAS A GAS LEAK IN THE CHILDREN’S NON-FICTION SECTION, FOOL”

 

I fell into a burnin’ ring of fire

Which reminds me, this is burning and burning and burning ad nauseum. Of course, how stupid of me. Joe Skilled Athelete was a World-Class Explorer, having discovered Mount Everest, the Alps, Pike’s Peak, Mt. McKinley, Mt. Fuji, and the highest point in Delaware. Boy, I’ll bet he aces your final in World Geography, Coach. Anyhoo, he’s climbing Kilimanjaro right now but I can get a Bantu to meet him at the base of the mountain in 3 days. His cell phone should be in functional order by then.

 

We need a man, the best around

He’ll kick it high right off the ground

His Field Goal range so very sound

A bonus at this point

Timothy Leary

 

If ya agree ta punt for the high school football team only if the coaches elect unanimously ta pay for yore bow tag this fall, ya might be a redneck.

 

Gang, doncha just love that Chinese girl in P1 with that Funky Winkerbean nose? She’s as happy as Coach Kaz winning the lottery and/or finding a kicker under a Welcome mat. Then, in P3, if that supposed Exit sign doesn’t qualify for the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects, nothing will. Some teacher evidently pasted a student’s lost notebook and no doubt had to have been the most obvious place to find it. Sure, but there is a Lost & Found Department somewhere in the building, we hope anyway.

 

On p.7 of the Milford Enquirer

“The Milford Mudlark Football Team is seeking a qualified applicant to fill in as a kicker. The Mudlarks offer competitive wages, Major Medical Insurance, dental insurance, vision benefits through Milford Eye World, profit sharing, 401(k) with 10% company match, 2 weeks paid vacation after only 1 year, wage increases after 90 days and 180 days thereafter, liberal attendance policy, FMLA benefits, and 7 paid holidays. If this sounds exciting, send resume to

Milford High School

PO Box 6517

Milford, USA

Or email at http://www.milfordandgilaredesperate.com”

 

Timothy Leary’s dead

Lost in the lunchroom

Without luck

 

Coach Kaz is on his knees

Asking all, oh, pretty please

Let’s end this misery

Timothy Leary

 

If James Fenimore Cooper took over the reins at Thorpiverse (James, you have the combination to wordpress?)

It is Winter in the 1.23 trillion acres of elms, poplars, maples, oaks, hackberrys, ponderosa pines, black locusts, (the pods are buried deep within the snow, the few surviving being munched on by Bugs Bunny, a quick snacke before Elmer Fudde arrives on cue) , and chestnuts.

Bumppo “Leatherstocking” Shaw is out in the middle of nowhere, oblivious to the camera perched on the walnut tree, “Milfordshire Outdoor Magazine” doing a live show. Coache Gamaliel Wendell Thorp and his entourage are on the hunt themselves. His entourage consists of Baron Steuben von Kaz, Viscount Tiki of Glastonbury, Earl Jaquan of Stanhope, and some flunkies (or the football team, same difference) .

Roadkill is discovered in the middle of the path. It is fresh roadkill. Coache Thorp is compelled to restrain the contraption (‘slam on the brakes”) and swerve his sleigh to the emergency lane of the trail to avert a 10-sleigh pile-up. He turns on his flashers, the flunkies set out triangles 10. 50, and 200 feet apart so  magnanimous vehicles (‘semi’s”) can alertly pursue other channels (“get in the passing lane”) .

“Coache Thorp, greetings and salutations!!!!!!!!!!”

“Leatherstocking!!!!!!!!!!!” Always a pleasure!!!!!!!!!!! And it looks like you outclassed me (“beat me to the punche”) againe.”

“Naw, Coache, this 10-point piece of virile venison (“buck”) has got BB bullets in its carotid; I didn’t kill it with this bow and arrow I obtained in goode faithe (“on loan in exchange for some cheap tobacco”) from the Cayugas. you got first dibs on the eatin’.”

As Gamaliel blows the smoke off his BB gunne in triumph

“I am honored by your honesty, my goode manne. Goodness knows, the village of milfordshire could use more gentrys such as in your person (“you”) .”

Baron Steuben von Kaz surveys the landscape, which in roughly 2 centuries will become Max Yasgur’s farm and subsequently a mudbowl named Woodstock, the rest of the 1.23 trillion acres comprising New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and a couple of counties in Vermont and finally states

“Coache, I don’t see how you manage to align your apercu with the quarry (“smoke ’em down”). Your eye is keener than an eagle’s arse (“retina”, close enough) .”

“I thank you, Baron Steuben von Kaz. It takes years of repititive solicitation (“practice”) which I did in my posterior portion of my property (“backyard”) . I shot severale rounds into The Wilderness and found matters to be quite commodious (“shitload of acreage”) . Hardly a chance (“no bat chance in Hell”) of intersecting a Noble Savage or Red Man or passing ‘Go’ or collecting $200 since the Confederations are on the other end pf the 1.23 trillion acres, give or take a hectare, near the reste area, you know, the one with salubrious accomodations (“clean restrooms”) .”

“My Lord, Coache (“same difference”) , it is noble of you to be of great concern for the noble savages, even Tecumseh, bilious (“mad as Hell and not gonna take anymore”) and choleric as he is reputed to be, spoke highly of your character (“reputation”, closest translation) ,” Viscount Tiki chimes in, “He says you always are circumspect with the flora (“watch the daisies”) and take only as many elephantes (“elephants”) as you’ll eat on your cutlery (“dishes and silverware bought at Target”) .”

Leatherstocking, weary of the Nathaniel Hawthorne exchange

“Gentlemen, it is well to trade courtesies (“shoot the shit”) but I personally am freezin’ my asse off (“self-explanatory”). And the Erie Nation is a bit sore after I almost hit a child when I was shootin’ a bighorn sheep. Think we best be parlaying our efforts (“headin’ back”) to town before the rooster obtains hot flashes for the hen (“sundown”) . The Injuns could be poppin’ out anytime.”

Coache Thorp is in mental disarray (“confused”).

“Leatherstocking, aren’t you getting a century ahead of yourself? I believe Philip Sheridan will utter that particular bon mot (“wind up in an almanac with said expression”) in a Doris Kearns Goodwin Bestseller on Red Cloud.”

“Coache, if you believe I am traversing the unexpected (“going Back to the Future”) , so be it  but I’m in no moode to confront the Injuns. Some’ll attack. Some’ll demand 10% of the fresh triumphal return (“kill”) . By Hades (“Hell”), I’ll give ’em the ovoid particles (“testicles”) and gristle and settle up thereafter, otherwise, I’m in no moode to negotiate.”

“We can always augment things with a renal structure (“throw in a kidney”) if it’ll preclude inflammatory measures (‘being burned at the stake”) by the Mohawks, Leatherstocking. And perhaps bargain for a couple of blankets in return. My carpete in the 3rd floore hallwaye is getting worn from 10 centuries of usage (“use”) . It is my understanding (“there were rumors”) that Boethius used it as a summer house.”

“Coache, I’m not budging beyond its balls, that’s the difference between you and me, I’ll pluck arrows first, ask questions latere. I’m like Harold Southwick Callahan, perform your majestic undertaking, Savages (“go ahead, make my day”) . And do you see McFly’s racer anywhere in these woods?”

Leatherstocking has him there. Baron Steuben von Kaz sneaks a peak into a sugar maple and observes no fluxe capacitator.

“Very well. Gentlemen, load the provisions of coffee, Earl Grey tea, chickens, buffalo meat, fruits, vegetables, Oreos, and Chips Ahoye onto the sleigh, Baron Steuben von Kaz, see that the rifles, ammuntion, gunpowder, cannons, tasers, pistols, and explosive tinderboxes (“grenades”) are stored in the brougham, boys (“flunkies”), put the kille in the vomitory (“trunk”) of Tiki’s jalopye, careful not to puncture the rubber device (“spare tire”) with one of its antlers, you boy (soon to be John Hay, one of Lincoln’s secretaries) , load the legal documents, hunting licenses, telescopes, surveye equipment, books, journals, New York Times, including the crossworde onto the troika”

“Coach”, Earl Jaquon of Stanhope points out, “aren’t troikas Russian? Won’t  they be utilized in the Napoleonic Wars? I construed (“heard”) that McFly’s vehicle will be the linchpin  that turns away Buonaparte at Leningrad (“St. Petersburg”) .”

“This is my medicine show presentation (“History Channel”), Earl Jaquon of Stanhope, and Injuns, er, Red Men could be coming anytime. Now lead the troops (points to several flukies, one who will be William Herndon, Lincoln’s law partner) and ride on the lead chariot to scout for any trouble.

The engines are started, the chariots perform a couple of wheelies and depart from said premises (“head out of Dodge”) .

“We’ll have plenty of venison to feed the 3,458 populace (“people”) of Milfordshire at the ball tonight.”

Leatherstocking shouts at Gamaliel

“I thought there were 3,459.”

“No, Leatherstocking, Mortimus Moon was ambushed on his way to the Publicke Forum (“broadcast booth”) by the Mohawks. They sent smoke signals that they didn’t appreciate what he said about their play-calling.”

“Were there inflammatory measures (“was he burned at the stake) ?”

“Worse. They cut him up and sent the entrails back to the village in a leatherstocking, Leatherstocking.”

“Well, it appears he forged his appendage into oblivion (“stuck his foot in his mouth”) permanently. They just confirmed what we already knew.”

The snow is picking up the pace.

“Be that as it may (“no skin off my nose, he’s an asshole, anyway, has been for 60 years”), we have to observe celluloid material (“watch game film”) before the ball.”

“Coache, as longe as I can stick my bowe and arrowe by the filme projectore,  I’m all right with your methodes (“good to go”) .”

“Very well, Leatherstocking. We can still break down the Iroquois Nation defense as long as your bowe and arrowe doesn’t ruin the projectore. Baron Steuben von Kaz, did you remember light bulbes?”

“Light bulbes aren’t until the Golden Era of Sluts (“Gilded Age”) . Edison is just a gleame in his great-great-great-grandfather’s eyes.”

 

Gang, comment away. AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT FOOL

 

I’m sick of things so upside down

A silly smile become a frown

I’d rather read of Charlie Brown

it’s best to just leave town

 

Timothy Leary

Oh Snap!

Since we’ve dropped the non sequitur about student film buffs and Chekov’s crosswalk for the moment, let’s turn our attention to the practice field where Gil and his staff are turning their attention to special teams.  Let’s break down what we’re seeing here:

1. Steve Boone is looking younger every year. Must be all that blood going to his cheeks that doesn’t have to go to his left arm anymore.  Oops, did I just say that out loud?
2. Speaking of left arms, what the hell is going on with Gil’s? Is he supposed to be cupping his hand to his mouth or his ear? Is he signaling for a first down or is that one of those once-innocuous hand gestures that’s now some kind of secret white supremacist code signal?
3. Sam Finn was a backup at guard for a certain greasy-haired Mudlark who shall remain nameless last season. He’ll probably get more touches than said greasy-haired player this season which leads me to…
4. Do kids really start specializing as long snappers in high school?  Does Milford, which had to play a female ex-trainer at tight end last season, really have the kind of depth for that?  They apparently don’t have anyone who knows how to punt, which does occasionally happen on high school teams. Can Gil still not convince any soccer players to come out for the team?
5. Why has Gil yet to retire  the jersey number of his unicorn in football cleats?

metapost: If any of you TWIMers out there live in the path of Hurricane/Tropical Storm Florence, please check in and let us know you’re okay.  Most of teenchy’s friends and fam in Bakst country are doing fine, some without power but none with major property damage or yet displaced from their homes.  Fingers crossed…

The Ides of Morons

Wellllll, we’re lost forever

In a black sedan

Retching from this hopeless plot

 

The engine’s smoking

And the brakes are squealing

And the tires are damn near shot

 

A bad vehicle, Baby

And it’s only just begun

A bad vehicle, Baby

Someone fetch me the nearest gun

 

We don’t

LOVE IT (love it)

NEED IT (need it)

WANT IT (want it)

CRAVE IT (crave it)

 

Thank God in Heaven it’s only for 3 months

 

Hoo boy. Let’s talk about me for a minute, to start off “Vulture Culture” from the Alan Parsons Project. What a way to kick off the football plot by observing teenagers illegally (the barricade was stolen, c’mon) kneeling in the street, attempting to imitate Arp. Well, do you go to Sherwin Williams and get those gloppy horse-bristly paintbrushes to do justice to Monet or Matisse? Right, you’re getting the idea. You simply block off a street, running the risk of rush-hour traffic and display your neo-Abstractionist-post-Georgian-Greco-Iberian-pre-Hungarian-Impressionist-Italian-Romanitic-Movement-Deutshcheklassischezeit-Sino-Vedic-Paint-by-Numbers side of you with the right tools. No Crayolas on this project, nosirrreee.

What this has to do with football is still a matter. Has anyone SEEN a football so far? We’ve seen more paintbrushes. Maybe they oughta hock more barriers and line ’em up around the football field. They might run away with the Conference championship, all due to stolen merchandise.

 

Off same album mentioned above

 

Somebody out there

Wasting my time

Somebody out there

Comm-itt-ing a crime

If it wins the bacon

It was worth every dime

For somebody out there

 

Gil playing the strange-sounding xylophone on the song, reported to be Mimi’s spice jars.

 

And, gang, I’m having a REAL problem with DOWNTOWN MILFORD. Like the Empire State Building is next to Milford High School. And Wall Street is down the pipe from The Pail. Is the Brooklyn Bridge catacorner to WDIG Studio?

I hear the song from The Church, off “Gold Afternoon Fix”, “…back in Metropolis, where nothing can ever topple us…” Ummmmmm, no.

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlarks Trounce Oakwood, 63-0, for the Crown!!!!!!!!!”

Headline on p.17

“Milford Highway Department Investigating Rash of Stolen Equipment”

 

 

HIS BOY ELROY

JANE HIS WIFE

“Next, stay tuned as Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw dukes it out with The Wild One and his motorcycle gang as they make a pit stop in Milford. Watch as he confronts the leader and starts a conflagration when he asks the leader how he eventually wound up as The Godfather. Will they burn down the Mudlark gym and ruin Homecoming? Find out only on WDIG-TV.”

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw pulls over a motorcycle with Harley-Davidson logos all over the jacket. Only a Christmas tree is decorated more.

“May I see your driver’s license?”

The driver takes off helmet.

“Dr. Pearl, I caught you going 75 in a 25MPH school zone. You’re aware that you’re not to tear down here even when children AREN’T present?”

“Sure.”

“Any reason why you did it?”

“I’m sorry, I was in the bathroom when the Wild One and his Gang left the Milford Waffle House and I was trying to catch up with them so I could get in free at the Milford/Oakwood football game via Wild One punching in the ticket-taker’s face (“I hate ticket windows, especially at Milford”). We wanted to get front row seats and early dibs on the Junior Mints, Laffee-Taffee, Lemonheads, stale Jiffy-Pop Popcorn and Chuckles at the concession stand. The Wild One promised he’d dump the Cotton Candy man in the garbage can right in front of my eyes. He’s my hero.”

“Where’s your husband?”

“He went to visit his 99-year-old mom in a nursing home in another state. Just thought I’d drag my old apparel from my ’20’s when I was dating The Wild One back in ’54. School separated us and he changed his name to Don Corleone.  Reliving old times.”

_____________________________________________

“About to wrap this up. I just gave her a warning and sent her to Defensive Driving classes for a couple of Saturdays. Told her to watch her speed and I’d let her expired tag go if I could get The Wild One’s autograph, when he was done pushing around Gil and Kaz, of course.”

 

If ya held out for more money as a star QB for yore NFL team becuz ya wanted Milford Towing & Hauling rollbacks to have exclusive rights ta luggin’ yore pick-up truck when it breaks down on some rural route that only combines drag race on and/or kin be easily identified by Mr. Green Jeans on the GPS, ya might be a redneck.

 

Big shout-out to Freddy Johnson of Middletown, Kentucky. Your smile is contagious and you always stay in the fight as you go to your classes and fellowship at Fern Creek/Highview United Ministries, Inc. in Fern Creek, Kentucky. I can tell that you enjoy going and it is paying off as you look better every time I see you. Spike Lee was right. Do The Right Thing. You have chosen to do just that, My Man. Gang, the next time you see Freddy, treat him with respect. He’s earned it.

 

Oooooooooookkkkkkk, it’s time for Match Game 2018 (didn’t you old-timers like that funky bass when they played the theme song or when the celebrities were filling out their answers with that giant Magic Marker?) and you know what that means. Gene Rayburn is steppin’ to the mike, ready to rock. You got the floor, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE????), she thought if she pulled Tiki’s ____________, his car would fire up.

 

And the Batmobile makes a return appearance in P2 as crime-fighting works up an appetite. Batman and Robin, when they’re not hobnobbing with the teenagers to promote good will between Gotham City High School (The Appleknockers) and the Mudlarks, they’re chowing down on the Triple Bucket Cheeseburger with Buffalo Bucket Fries and cole slaw. The Liver Cheeseburger causes constipation problems with Batman and he ran out of anti-digestive-system-blocking Bat Flatulator. Not that what they’re eating might not cause problems once they re-enter the Bat Cave (Aunt Harriett: “Alfred, what is that AWFUL smell?” “Oh, nothing, madam, I just fed the kitty a bit too much Tender Vittles”). Anyway, you can’t have the opposite problem, an empty stomach. Nope, can’t fight The Joker and his technicalities when their stomach’s growling.

 

 

Welllll, I’m playing football

In a cracked sedan

And I’m throwing incomplete

 

The piston’s blowing

And the offense stalling

Mired in chewed-through bucket seats

 

A bad vehicle, Baby

With a lame-ass quarterback

A bad vehicle, Baby

Right down to my 8-track

 

We don’t

LOVE IT (love it)

NEED IT (need it)

WANT IT (want it)

CRAVE IT (crave it)

 

Thank God in Heaven the car’s in Gil’s back yard.

 

Then there’s Lisa Shaffer of Jeffersonville, Indiana. Your respect for people is evident and I can tell you’ve done A LOT for other people. We had a great conversation yesterday as you helped me sort out a lot of problems that were piling up by the minute. That’s how the world goes’ round, gang. Lisa, you’ve made this life better with your kind heart and compassion and I salute you. Don’t ever change. We still need you.

 

“Ah, Peaches, ya gotta hand it to me. I managed to sneak this bus into Mudlark Lake Resort and nobody’s coming to this trailhead anytime soon. Only people who hiked the Appalachian Trail dare come up here and hike Lost Mudlark Kentucky Coffee Tree Trail. And as long as we’re on a roll, let’s do it Nature’s Way.”

“Oh, Marty, I LOVE how you talk dirty.”

“I even covered the videocam with this Cracker Jack box I found on the ground.  They’ll never find us. Plus, I am helping the environment in more ways than one.”

“Oh, Nature Boy, save me from extinction.”

Marty drops his pants.

Nature Boy went to sleep with wood, with apologies to ZZ Top.

“Marty, there’s something else they’ll never find. In fact, they’ll have to send out a search party on this one.”

“Peaches, let me tell you ’bout the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and this thing called love.”

“Marty, you need to buy some Raid, there’s so many roaches in your nest. The facts of life were overrun by bugs at Little Big Horn.”

“Peaches, I’m going to the cell block next to Mr. Bader if they catch me with this contraption. I’m still trying to find a way to sneak it past the security guard. Now’s not the time to pick my brains like this.”

“I’d rather pick that than the dead tulip between your legs. If we get caught by the Mudlark Ranger, I’m not going to tell him how much I was enjoying myself. I don’t want to get an extra citation tacked on my record for perjury.”

“Oh, great, not only am I a fugitive from the law but we’re stuck out here in the middle of nowhere where I could get eaten by a cougar or a bear.”

“At least they’d put you out of your misery with that lifeless appendage attached to you. I wouldn’t go outside. You might get dragged down by the flat tire.”

“Watch me.”

A few minutes later

Peaches hears OMIGOD!!!!!!!!! somewhere in the vicinity of the Lost Mudlark Kentucky Coffee Tree Trailhead sign-in sheet mounted on a stand made from a catalpa tree.

She hears running that sounds desperate and indeed dragging as Marty FINALLY makes it back to hocked vehicle.

“What happened, Nature Boy?”

“PEACHES, I SAW A BEAR AND IT WAS GONNA EAT ME. PLEASE LET ME FALL INTO YOUR LOVING ARMS AND LET’S SPEND THE REST OF THE NIGHT AWAY IN BLISSFUL UNION EVEN IF YOU’RE CARRYING THE LOAD!!!!!!!!!!”

Peaches can’t withstand the blubbering that is profusely gushing out of Marty  at one end that she wishes was gushing out the other end and is prepared to do her duty as a woman.

Until she sees a skunk running across the parking area.

 

“Face it, men. I was in a no-win situation. Having to bribe the maintenance man to take the mini-bus back and sneak it behind the auxiliary parking lot just cleaned my wallet. I could have spent that money at the Milford Men’s Clinic and still be able to find a way to smuggle it back without the extra luggage of no Peaches for the rest of the weekend. Watching her speed off to her mother was not a sight to see. Save yourself the trouble and come to the Milford Men’s Clinic today. They’ll restore your sex life better than the birds and the bees can do. And you don’t have to get directions to the Lost Mudlark Kentucky Coffee Tree Trail to get satisfaction to boot. I know I’d like to leave my hiking boots at home when I’m with Peaches. Check ’em out today.”

 

Shout-out to Michelle Erhard and William Trice(had to squeeze this one in, gang). You have shown wisdom and courage in your more-than-victorious battle with alcohol. The fact that you crusade against people who choose to let alcohol rule their lives has my blessing. Gang, pray for these people and give them the respect and love they need. Everybody needs a cavalry behind them and they’re no exceptions. They deserve one and then some. God Bless you both.

 

Gang, it’s your turn. Just no Picasso on the streets, please, if you help our friends. “The 3 Musicians might be out of place on Main Street (yes, I know it’s a SIDE STREET but don’t ruin the joke).

 

 

Welllllll, I’m at The Pail

In my tacky sedan

Ordering a PBJ quiche

 

Still explaining

To the guys around me

Why my crate needs a frickin’ leash

 

A bad vehicle, Baby

Overhaul this plot and car

A bad vehicle, Baby

Neither one will get real far

 

We don’t

LOVE IT (love it)

NEED IT (need it)

WANT IT (want it)

CRAVE IT (crave it)

 

Thank God in Heaven

You know the Milford Recycling Centrum

Abuts the higghhhhhh

Schoooooo-ooooooo-ooooooolll.

Frank Gehry’s Fast Food Masterpiece

If you’re not knocked off balance by panels one and two, in which the architect of The Bucket tells Euclid to piss off, then the shifting narrative and stilted dialogue (plus mystery girl in panel two) shouldn’t present too much more of a challenge to parse.

For myself, I can confess nothing but disappointment that we aren’t getting another chance to continue talking about the shitty cars we drove in high school (and/or are driving presently). As it stands, I suppose we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to understand why these characters are being introduced.

Bonus question: Why is the strip’s date inserted front and center of panel two?