This Week in Milford

March 21, 2020

The Bad Touch

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What is it about Alexa Watson that makes Milford High female faculty and staff want to touch her? First it was Mimi smacking her backside in practice; now it’s brown haired guidance counselor type lady making goo goo eyes while reaching in to caress the back of Alexa’s (much larger) hand. Is this her way of helping Alexa land her coveted valedictory prize? Not sure what’s odder: that Alexa appears to lack nail beds, or that Rubin finds all this touching of students appropriate in this day and age. (That’d be true even given these strips were submitted to the syndicate well in advance. Too soon for jokes on our current situation, and the toilet paper memes ceased being funny after about the 450th one.)

On to our usual underwhelming little Saturday cliffhanger. This is gonna end up like that old Warner Brothers cartoon The Dover Boys at Pimento University where the goofy running gag background character ends up with the girl, isn’t it? Phoebe will be your valedictorian without ever having to go upside anyone’s noggin.

 

March 18, 2020

Smack My Snitch Up

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Sorry to be so late on today’s post. We may all be confined to quarters but our work hasn’t stopped.

Rubin’s poor clock management has pushed him further into the no-huddle offense. We jump from Gil giving Dr. Pearl her marching orders out of the star chamber to the results of those orders: Teddy on lockdown at Casa DeMarco. Chris may not be there to beat up on Teddy, but Hiawatha, Marcel and Tom hiding behind the door there might be a bit more willing.

At least we finally get hints as to what bug Teddy’s had up his ass about Chris. It’s been six years shorter than the one Alexa had for Chris, so unlikely it had anything to do with Jeopardy! Did Chris pass over Teddy when picking sides for flag football in PE class? Make fun of his hair? Or is it just ’cause Chris is a good team player and just so goshdarn smart?

Whatever its I’m sure it will be as stupid and underwhelming as every other plot device we’ve seen this winter. Bring on baseball, as this’ll be the only place we see it for a while. Can’t wait to see if Valley Tech will put someone in their scoreboard to steal the Mudlarks’ signs and beat on a garbage can.

 

February 29, 2020

MOLECULES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY

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Before I even get into snarking on this tired trope I’m gonna rant about the way those molecules are drawn on the midterm, with bonds just sprouting at random off cyclic compounds. I majored in chemistry and once upon a time I was a lab rat so this lazy-assed artwork triggers me even more than yesterday’s Goshen Shabbat Goyim jersey.  DAMMIT WHIGHAM BONDS DON’T JUST BRANCH OFF BETWEEN OTHER BONDS THESE ARE MOLECULES NOT MOLTEN ALUMINUM POURED IN A FIRE ANT NEST

Okay, now that that’s off my chest: The “steal the answers to the exam” trope has been made into a feature film at least twice and has been the plot of teen sitcoms too many times to count. We’re expected to believe our two overachieving student/athletes are going to stoop to buying a copy of an old exam from a kid who has done nothing but prank and tease one of them for Lord knows what reason that has yet to be revealed to us. Schuring at the least should be suspicious of DeMarco’s motives and, if she has any sense, so should Watson. Given that Chris has already shown himself not to consider Alexa an adversary, he should hip her to punk Teddy’s schtick in no time flat.

Of course nothing will be that straightforward. Honestly, in the past two weeks Rubin has not only let this plot run into the ditch but launched it off an embankment Toonces the Cat style.

February 26, 2020

Not An Exhibition(ist) Game

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Unlike Dan Reeves, Alexa wants to let ’em see her sweat – and bang bodies, too – but doesn’t want to let ’em see her score? If you went by dialog alone you might this was an outtake from Eyes Wide Shut. This is no orgy, at least not on the scoreboard and not at the moment.  Assistant Head Coach Phoebe Keener is about to change all that.

Nice to see Mimi has given up on coaching Alexa since effectively abdicating that role to Phoebe last week. This is painfully apparent during the timeout. So the Milford girls have one (student) coach for one player and one for the rest of the team? Marty Moon should’ve noticed that and ran with it like a preschooler with a pair of scissors.

Mimi has lost control of the Lady Mudlarks and Rubin has lost control of this plot. It’s been two weeks since we’ve seen Chris Schuring and over a month since we’ve seen the boy hoopsters; can any of them get this thing back on the rails?

February 17, 2020

As Lame As Lame Gets

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Let me get this straight. Chris Schuring talked to Phoebe Keener to share his technique for improving his basketball game and Phoebe is passing it along to Alexa. This technique is move aggressively about in the hallway, dominating other with one’s superior size and agility. I guess it’s a decent idea to develop an instinct or muscle memory in a sense. Still, walking around in crowds of other people in everyday situations is not like being on a basketball court. It’s more like sharing the road with other cars and we’re all urged to drive defensively, not aggressively. The stakes aren’t quite as high in the halls, but some poor kid is probably going to get wiped out as Alexa embraces her inner road hog. Ms. Perrine almost went down, for crying out loud.

 

February 15, 2020

Phoebe’s Electric!

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Steve Luhm, Master of the Janitorium, has been keeping the halls of Milford High so shiny that Phoebe Keener can get in some Electric Slide practice in time for the reprise of the Milford/Goshen flash mob from a few seasons back.

 

I could be wrong; Milford could be replacing West Allis, Wisconsin as the home of US speed skating, and Phoebe’s working on her stride. Then again maybe those are figure skating moves, as her camel game is very strong today.

Any or all of that makes as much sense as the gibberish she’s doling out to Alexa Watson. So Chris Schuring’s little secret is to be an obnoxious jerk and start cutting in front of people everywhere you go? How exactly has that worked out for him? He had a good game against Oakwood but how did that translate from Gil’s directive to “pounce”? He hasn’t pounced on that punk-ass DeMarco kid yet, much less throw his weight around the halls. Better left to his flunkies, I suppose.

Even Phoebe recognizes this little head game won’t make Alexa see herself as less of a geek. If it makes everyone else see that Alexa is a person who won’t let anyone stand in her way physically, then she and Chris are on to something. Too bad it’s not the Lady Mudlarks’ opponents who’ll see all that cutting ahead of kids in the hall. Once Alexa’s muscled her way into position there’s still that little matter of shooting the ball, which Chris’ solution conveniently glosses over.

Speaking of Phoebe and shooting and apropos of nothing, here’s a shot of an Eastern Phoebe taken by son of teenchy on one of our side trips to Bakst country not very long ago.

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February 14, 2020

This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy…

Well we were going along just swimmingly for so long, then the truck went into the ditch. Chris’s hairbrained idea only opens up a new can of worms for Alexa, and why a level-headed girl like Phoebe even agrees to pass on this idea to her bestie instead of telling Chris to hit the road, is beyond me.

I kinda see his point. Like a diet– you have to not only change your eating habits, you must also change your lifestyle, otherwise the diet will not have a long shelf life and you’ll be back to your old ways in no time. It takes a while for habits to change.

He figures if Alexa acts like the boss everywhere, she’ll get used to it so much that it’ll translate to more forceful play on the court. I get that.

But his logic is just .. weird. Who the hell cares if she’s a half step in front of someone. SO IS EVERYONE ELSE!!! You got 500 students or so walking the halls between classes; no way is everyone on the same pace. She’ll quickly figure out it doesnt work, like a bad experiment. Then she’ll be back to her moody ways, and plus, she may inadvertantly knock over someones books or shove someone in the back, and the hallways of a school require a lot of courtesy in that regard.  Rudeness doesnt fly anywhere, no matter how much better that makes her on the court.

And how is a height advantage of any use in the hallways, save for seeing above some other heads moving to and from class?? My long legs got me moving faster when I needed to, not my tall body.

Hey Chris , as Clark Griswold  would say, you’re in deep.

 

 

January 11, 2020

Now Featuring The Incredible Shrinking “GIL” Mug

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After a week of actual action and actual coaching in practice, we were overdue for some actual off-court wackiness in Milford. Where else would we have expected it than the teachers’ lounge?

Today’s strip finds Gil with a horribly dislocated hip and holding a stack of papers with what looks like a pile of French fries. Cue this MHS administrative type lady coming to him with news of player grades, presumably in his role as AD. Would this have not mattered more at the beginning of the season, when grades might determine eligibility? Or does Milford have some arcane rule that if your grades start dropping, you get kicked off the team?  That might explain the underachievement all these years.

Now what is it about Alexa’s academic issues that has caused Gil’s head to bobble and his coffee mug to shrink? Could it be that Mimi’s sudden emphasis on her playing offense has Alexa distracted from the books? Or was it Mimi’s playing grab-ass and the thoughts of blowing the whistle that have shaken her? Maybe Miss Watson is tired of the computer/virtual assistant jokes and is thinking that tanking a few grades may make those jokes go away. There’s never a good reason for sabotaging your chances of leaving a tank town, so the latter is kind of doubtful.

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