Unqualified

Who knew there was so much structure to Junior Golf in The Valley? Tournaments and qualifiers and Wilson and Tony banging up the course. Are we expected to keep track of all this? Are statistics or rankings kept somewhere? Seriously, this is most likely an abbreviated plot and yet it seems crammed full of lots of talk of a sports infrastructure that we’ve never heard about in a Gil Thorp context before. Remember when golf was just something Gil pretended to teach little kids as an excuse so he didn’t have to help Mimi around the house?

Next, Gil is going to teach the Boys Wonder about golf topography!

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The P.R.C.C. Can Suck on This

Here are the heels of August: The Pine Ridge Boys. They’re what the policemen on Sodor would call “Regular Law Breakers.” I’ll bet they’ll give those earnest young golfing boys from the Milford CC all they can handle at the Valley Juniors.

We all know cheaters never win and winners never cheat, but can we take a page from The Pine Ridge Boys’ playbook and cut over to September while we’re at it?  Probably not, so stick around for a few weeks of Goofus and Gallant on the Golf Course if you will.

Inspiration for today’s post title at this link.

 

If you were serious about improving you wouldnt wait til August 3rd to start!

What the fuck?? So Gil meets these 2 dildos who apparently love golf enough that they’ll ride thier bikes in the rain to the course. You’d figure if theyre already caddying they should have a working knowledge of golf already. But here’s Gil arriving to teach them.. what?? Doesnt a normal golf course have a pro on hand to give lessons? Especially a private one?  Why the hell does this course have to have the local high school football/basketball/baseball coach come over after his baseball season just ended in August to teach some jimokes how to swing a club, after they should have been playing since freakin April? What have they been doing all this time? Waiting for Gil? By now they should have 25 rounds under their belts – this year. As a longtime golfer this is insulting my intelligence. My dad was a caddie at Olympia Fields CC for a few years in high school, and he didnt need any high school coach telling him anything. He learned to play watching the players he caddied for. These guys should be telling Gil to get the hell outa here cuz we’ve been practicing and playing for months now under the tutulage of Mister Golf Course Pro.

I’m not even starting on Panel 3.  Kid who’se 3 feet tall and carrys maybe 5 clubs in his bag has the moxie to say that? Again, how do those guys get THAT FAR on the course and not know something like that? Where are the ground rules in the clubhouse with that info? And what the hell does that little rule have to do with this storyline anyway??

I need to snap a club in half right now.

None Of This Feels Real

So we kick off what’s left of summer with the now traditional serving of the lemonade. (We will take Gil at his word that it’s lemonade and not something stronger. Or will we?)

Do you think Gil took the time to squeeze a bunch of lemons or did he just mix up a batch of Country Time? If Gil Thorp, the comic strip in its modern incarnation, was lemonade, it would be made from an expired pouch of powdered mix found in a dumpster behind the grocery store that sells all the dented can goods.

What’s the big deal with lemonade anyway? It’s only good when it’s loaded with sugar. Maybe lemonade is an apt metaphor for Gil Thorp. It’s fondly remembered as a refreshing treat, but as a practical matter, it’s barely worth the effort.

Maybe you out there in TWIMland have a different opinion of lemonade. Please share it with us. What else are we going to talk about?

We can talk about these two characters on bicycles, in the rain, with full golf bags strapped to them?? Can you really do that? Even without the rain, I believe that would be unwise. Some sort of pull behind, mini trailer is in order. But kids will be kids*. Let’s just hope we don’t have a accident as they weave down the road spilling golf clubs everywhere.

Are you excited that we’re talking about golf? No? Lemonade is still on the table!

*Actually, to really haul something impractically and dangerously, adults are required. This weekend, I saw an SUV on the interstate with a king mattress set strapped to the roof. I’m talking a three layer job, the two separate box springs and the mattress. The mattress was on top, of course.

Spare Us The Capper

The “pregame message” from Barry Bader made everything just hunky-dory, and so the silent treatment is just temporary and all his teammates are cool with him. Yeah, right.

Off-model part un: Jay Bhatia has been wearing #7 (while rocking the Tyler Clippard specs) and had black hair all season long. Today’s #7 doesn’t resemble him in the least. Also, is blonde dude in the dugout executing a failed high five or a weak Tomahawk Chop?

Off-model part deux: Where did Kaz’s cap go? Did Barry blow it off his head rounding third? Or did he realize he needed to keep his Botticelli’s Venus locks flowing?

Off-model part trois: Ryan Van Auken has been dark-haired from the get-go, right up through the earlier part of this season. Did he just grab a bottle of peroxide before the game?

Speaking of Ryan, it’s been made pretty clear that he’s been a starter during his entire tenure at Milford (and the only effective one this season, kind of like Max Scherzer minus the heterochromia).  Now, in the last game of his high school career and with a sweet DII ride ahead of him, Gil’s gonna stick him in to close a game that, so far as we know, will have no bearing on Milford’s postseason hopes?  (edit: Compare this to the kid gloves Gil used on his golden boy meal ticket, True Standish.) Watch for the Hurricane to blow a UCL then, two years and a failed Tommy John surgery from now, get into a brawl with Pelwecki in vacuum cleaner repair school shop class.

Musical inspiration for post title on a Rock ‘n Roll Thursday:

metapost: I screwed up some hyperlinks this morning. Thanks for bearing with me.

We’re From Milford, We’re from Milford…

… No one likes us
We don’t care
We’re from Milford
F***in’ Milford
No one likes us
We don’t care

I am Bader
Barry Bader
No one likes me
I don’t care
I am Barry
F***in’ Bader
No one likes me
I don’t care

It’s my dad’s fault
It’s not my fault
It’s my dad’s fault
I don’t care
Didn’t know that
Until last week
It’s my dad’s fault
I don’t care

Where was my mom?
Where was my mom?
For the last year
Did she care?
Did she stand up
To my father?
It’s not my fault
I don’t care

I’m Pelwecki
Kev Pelwecki
I hit homers
No one cares
I’ll beat Shankey’s
F***in’ record
You mean Sharkey?
I don’t care

I am Dafne
On a mission
Get in J-school
I don’t care
I’ll expose my
F***in’ classmates
They don’t like me
I don’t care

I am Ms. Rizk
I will take risks
Name’s ironic?
I don’t care
I just care ’bout
F***in’ Trumpet
I will take risks
I don’t care

I’m Kazinski
Bob Kazinski
I don’t coach much
I don’t care
Hair like Venus
Grab that penis
Off the basepath
I don’t care

I am Gil Thorp
Head Coach Gil Thorp
We’re still playing?
I don’t care
Trust the Process?
There’s no process!
When’s my tee time?
I don’t care

 

The Reinvention Of Barry Bader (And Other Assorted Unearned Payoffs)

Remember yesterday when we were lamenting the eleventh hour assertion that Jay Bhatia somehow had a story that needed to be paid off? Also, remember how we have intermittently wondered if Kevin Pelwecki’s pursuit of Joe Sharkey’s home run record would have a conclusion? Also, remember how we’ve all wondered just how long this season was going to go and whether anything at all was going to be settled?

Oh, and there was one more thing we’ve all been wondering, what was it…? Oh yeah, Barry Bader. We wondered if, when and how exactly Barry might achieve some measure of growth in his precarious position as a well established asshole beset on all sides by people who are, at best, disinterested in helping him?

Well folks, it looks like it’s all getting paid off right here, in three panels and in stunning Technicolor. At least it looks like it will in the near future. Can Whigrub pull this off in one more strip? Do they dare? Stay tuned.

Del’s a Witch! He Turned Me Into A Ballplayer!

Alright already with the glasses propped up on your forehead, Ma Bader. Have you had to read any print since you answered the door for Dafne, served brownies and sat down on the couch? Not that I can see. That’s just a minor gripe before moving on to the main issue…

What the hell is going on here? Why did Ma Bader invite Dafne over to have a front row seat for her Come To Jesus talk with Barry? She told Dafne she was there to “help me save my son”. How is Dafne supposed to help? Clearly Ma Bader needed to have this talk with Barry. Dafne’s article and Barry’s reaction did provide Ma with a “teachable moment”, but Dafne doesn’t have to shouldn’t be there. Boundaries, people!

It’s also clear that Ma Bader is in way over her head here. She’s calling her son damaged and attributing the damage to Del. I’d love to hear a reaction from an experienced family therapist on this line of conversation. It seems overly confrontational and judgmental. However, it is apparent that Ma Bader has suffered much too and in Del’s absence has only begun to come to terms with how to help Barry. They need professional help, not Dafne Dafonte.