What is this, effing ponderous, man. Ponderous, effing ponderous.

“I want a concerted effort to come out of a strip that isn’t an up-tempo strip about fapping into a damned death dedication!” Here I am set up to spike some snark after Gil played setter yesterday and all I can think of after reading today’s installment is Casey Kasem’s infamous ranting outtake.

Well that puts a damper on my catty remarks about how sick Mimi’s mother really was, how far away (and how close to a beach) from Milford she was living, and how old Cami Ochoa is.* It’s taken me the better part of today to decide which is the bigger bombshell: that Mimi’s mother is terminally ill or that Mimi had an aspiring professional golf career we hadn’t heard about until today.

Let’s start with the first one. When Mimi took the Thorplets to the beach and/or to see her mother, we were under the impression that Grandma Clover didn’t exactly live around the corner. Now we’re told Mimi’s gone “to take care of her mom up north” only to find them at Milford Adult Care LLC? Either Milford is about the size of Sitka, Alaska, or Mimi went up north and brought her mom closer, well, to die.

A slightly meta digression is in order. In the time that I’ve been part of the TWIM rotation, I’ve lost both my parents: father of teenchy in July 2014 and mother of teenchy in November 2016. When my father died, I don’t think I missed a regularly scheduled post; however when my mother died I took a leave of absence from TWIM that lasted until late January 2017. In hindsight I think the main difference was that my mother died very suddenly and somewhat unexpectedly, whereas my father had been terminally ill for over a year and his passing was not so much a matter of if, but when. It also didn’t help matters that I became the sole surviving member of my family after my mother passed and had to deal with the material consequences of that. That’s also why I spent a fair part of 2017 in Bakst country.

What’s my point? My point is that when you know with some certainty that a loved one has a limited time remaining, you are allowed an opportunity to prepare for that eventuality. In Mimi’s case, it appears that includes not only bringing her mom closer to her for the time she has left** but also preparing to pursue a golf dream that’s been on hold for as long as I’ve been reading this strip if not longer. I suppose next we’ll find out that Kaz has gone off on a spiritual trek to Nepal and Silent John Pascoe has returned to help Gil coach the football team.

*How many years of a time jump did Barajas make when he took the super soph from six months ago and made her a high school sports coach? Is there a fountain of youth in Casa Thorp that kept Keri and Jami from aging while Cami did the reverse Benjamin Button? If so, maybe they better give a glass or two to Mimi’s mom. Just sayin’.

**Not sure how Mimi’s mom can say with such certainty that she’s dying in six months and not tonight. Does she have a physician-assisted suicide penciled into her calendar for that date? Does she know that Mimi’s going to carefully wheel her into Milford Adult Care LLC and not do something else with her? There’s a string of morbid jokes as long as my arm I could roll out here but good taste (and maybe my earlier aside) won’t let me do that. Instead I’ll refrain and leave that for the commenters.

Krink! Wasnt he on Hogans Heroes?

…Of course not, that would be Klink, the bumbling Kommander of Stalag 13. I started watching the show more recently as I frankly didnt even understand it as a kid, and it was on before my time anyway. The humor is still a bit tough to follow, as the accents and the dated references combine for some head scratching even now, and I didnt care for war shows anyway. Good thing I have Tivo, as I can rewind something to hear it again if need be. Was never my kind of show, but I just Love the theme song, and Ive said for years it should be our national anthem, rather then the hard-to-sing version we have. (And I dont recall Richard Dawson having such an accent when he was saying “Survey Says!!!” on Family Feud, which is what I know him for.)

The podcast concludes with Martinez announcing he’s gonna take over the Valley and squash Thorps teams to the point that Gil retires. But arent we still living in the past here? What year is all this taking place? Because for darn sure there aint no Martinez coaching Valley High now. And its not like Gil is rolling over these teams; on the contrary he’s barely .500 over the last 10 years or so, if you throw out the 2016 state title.

So again we have issues with time and place in this new era of Milford athletics. And Marty is off to find Gil and get his take on the new ass-kicker in the Valley.

And for sure, that hasnt changed. Strike up the band!

Behind The Playbook Podcast Sponsored By UFS Canned Beverage

Marty Moon records a podcast at the studios of WDIG, the Behind The Playbook podcast to be specific. I have heard of some radio shows that are released as podcasts. Maybe Marty produces enough hot take content that he can put out a podcast seperate from his daily show. Maybe if his special guest Luke Hernnadez, the new sheriff from Valley Tech (hey, wasn’t that Luke Martinez? who goofed, the strip’s creators or Marty?), is as big a blowhard as we’ve seen so far, Marty can team up with him to make a real screaming freak show of a podcast. Dozens of people can download Playbook every week to hear new drunken ravings from goateed loudmouths.

So, what are Marty and Luke Martinez Hernnadez talking about? Well, Marty heard about the verbal sparring between Gil and Sheriff Luke at the Post Coach of The Year Hotel Bar Gathering. (Forget the award ceremony…THIS is the event of the year! Too bad it’s held at a secret location.) Where did Marty hear about the “stir”, from one of those two other guys in polo shirts or from the bartender that’s sweet on Gil? Who called the Marty Moon Behind The Playbook tip line (and what poor PA has to monitor the tip line and pull out anything useful among all the “Marty Sucks! Baba-Booey!” messages)? If this is the kind of content one regularly hears on the Behind The Playbook podcast, it wouldn’t surprise me if Marty just uses the studio to record it and puts it out on his own. I don’t think a radio station would want this going out under their name. Marty, what are you doing in there?!

Note that Luke Hernnadez states that he’s the young buck that this town needs. So, is Valley Tech actually in Milford? I’d always assumed that the Valley Conference was spread among many towns in a geographical area that includes Milford. That could be the case and Valley Tech could still be in Milford. It’s just weird that it has never been defined that way. But really, there have been and probably will be many liberties taken with things with the new writer and I’m not gonna harp on this stuff constantly. I gotta harp on something though, so why not a little more of the old Where Is Milford?

Road trip

More is revealed today as we learn that Gil and Mimi are not only still married, the kids are Still kids. All these years later (unless we’re still in years-ago-land) Mimi took the car (presumably her car; do they have 2? I would think so.)

Life is about priorities. After Gil has gotten so many awards Mimi figures she’ll blow off this ceremony to go see her ailing mom, who is obviously far enough away it requires a weekend trip. Completely understood. But why just leave on the spot and not tell Gildo beforehand? Is it that hard to say you wanna go see your own mom? Especially in this day and age with texting etc, cant she utilize other forms of communication then a written note?

And you can be worthy of someones love and still go away for a weekend without them, Mimi. The statement reflects some marriage friction, as in Gil is spending too much time coaching and not enough time with his family.

Well, gee, thats not the Gil WE know. What happened to Mimi’s coaching at the same school and the runs together and the lemonade together and talks in the house and…etc.?

If anything, our complaint is he doesnt do anywhere NEAR enough coaching. Now its the other way around?

Good to see the kids are so involved in their phones they dont bother talking to Mimi. Just like Gil apparently doesnt either. Monkee see, monkee do.

Worlds Biggest Rag

We finally get the long awaited interview with Gregg (of course in uniform and not sitting at a coffeehouse relaxing.) Heather even talks to the catcher with his full equipment on. Hey isnt it summer yet? Today should be day 4. The planets are all in allignment for the next few days and we still are stuck with this dreadful storyline that like the Rolling Stones refuses to just go away.

Everyone else has checked out for 3 months and the Larks are still hanging on to Greggs final days as a pitcher, before he starts the rest of his life as a semi-blind man. At what cost is all this? Love how the supporting player justifies the scam theyre pulling on the rest of the league. Hey, let them figure it out while we live with this distraction that didnt need to be at all if the coaches had any sense. The other characters on the team have barely been developed while we drag out the inevitable runner-up finish for Milford and Greggs retirement from a game he had no business playing for at least 2 years. The fathers issues are still murky in relation to Greggs eyesight. Who cares how that turns out. If Mom files for divorce tomorrow she’ll be a better woman. Take your son to the best eye surgeon you can afford and pray its not too late. If the doc says — “What the hell was this kid doing pitching in high school?” , well, as one of my favorite sayings goes– all bad habits you have will rear their ugly head at some point. And for 3 months of baseball, your son wont be able to see for 50 years.

P3– accurate to a T. I think Kaz may be referring to the connection to his dad again, since Pops is trying to keep some secret. Also shows how putrid a town Milford is, since part of any newspapers goal is to reach as many people as possible. And they all have online editions these days so some jamoke from Africa can read it if he has a decent broadband connection. Kaz forgot about that.

Throw some ketchup on that hot dog

****THIS IS THE FRIDAY POST*** SATURDAY POST WILL BE LATER TODAY BY THE ONE AND ONLY JOAN RIVERS!! ***** THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE!!***

I’m assuming Vic has a tutor for some of his classes as in P2 (after studying and prepping for the game like ALL announcers do, even though he’s only a PA announcer) he’s walking on an ice rink past a sign that says READ. Did anyone ever see a sign that says READ?? The whole idea is to READ the sign, right? Reading a sign that says READ is,, superfluous, to put it mildly.

Hope they dont slip on the ice while skating to their next class, which may require reading.

Maumee High School http://www.maumee.k12.oh.us/ is located in Maumee, Ohio, and its enrollment was 693 students in 2017, so they only count head every 4 years or so when a new crop of kids come in. Why count every year when its the same old kids?

Does Vic do road games too? PA announcers only do home games in my world, so looks like we found the first hole in the plot. He’ll need an upgraded vehicle for all that driving. How many states does Milford need to go to for non-conference games for crying out loud? Perrysburg is also in Ohio, and only 6 miles from Maumee, but I thought they played Rogers last game? Theyre from (holy) Toledo Ohio, so either everyones coming to Milford from the Buckeye State or Gil won free gas from Speedway for a year. Hard to believe you play 3 straight games against new opponents. I’m needing some Goshen in my soup pretty soon.

Is that how you carry a golf bag?

Now we get a rehashing of the events of 3 weeks ago (at least) from our friend Corinna about the ballgame/picnic yadda yadda yadda. We really need to hear that again today only because True didnt know about it, but thats a dumb ass reason to move to a city! For free food. Yep. Otherwise the town blows, but that free food once in a lifetime sure sold me. Sheesh.

True’s outfit is interesting- a black t-shirt under a Wake Forest shirt with the sleeves cut off. Why not just wear one or the other? Its still August for chrissakes. Thats the best he can do for that big pro contract huh? And the Rays hat showing off his pro team.

What the hell are they doing with golf bags sitting around talking? If thats only an equipment bag, how much shit do you need to play catch? So many odd things in 1 strip.

Then the best part- Panel 3- True says his college (on that shirt) HAD to fly him in? To Milford? For what? To work out?? With who? Some chick going to remedial school? Or an official baseball catcher assigned to him by WF? And most of all, WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH WHAT CORINNA SAID IN P2??

So many dots to connect here and I’m just dying to know what Rays official looked at the plane schedule out in Tampa and came up with Milford as True’s destination. Chicago? Nope. Nashville? Nada. Hey how about even Atlanta? Oh no. No way do they have anyone hanging around with a catchers mitt that looks like a hat. Milford it is.

Finally – is True pointing at his shirt when he refers to WF? Again? Didnt he point at his hat talking about Tampa?

2 morons. 1 non-existent storyline. Tune in tomorrow when his official catcher shows up on the 19th hole.

Alexa, What’s The French Word For Boredom?

The first “actual action” of the basketball season is the Lady Mudlarks!  It’s this season’s breakout star, Alexa Watson, swatting away shots like nobody’s business. 1-0! We’re off to a terrific start.

Now for the drive back from Austintown, (part of the Youngstown-Warren-Boardman, OH-PA Metropolitan Statistical Area), Alexa is hitting the books hard. She might be finished with French and be ready to move on to German given the long drive back from the home town of the celebrated Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini*.

The really do illuminate the insides of those school buses.

Chris Schuring and the boys team are headed for Springfield (which one? we’ll never know). Chris has decided to go the David Puddy route and just stare for the ride of indeterminable length. He might have a book on tape, designed to take up the travel time. Is it Hop on Pop, or Infinite Jest? Curious onlooking Mudlarks would like to know.

Hopefully, all the TWIM readers get where they need to go safely to spend time with their loved ones for the holidays. Merry Christmas, all.

*Just as I can’t think of Youngstown, Ohio without thinking of Ray Mancini, I can’t think of Ray Mancini without thinking of the song, Boom Boom Mancini by the late, great Warren Zevon. Here’s a video of Zevon performing the song in a Boston train station in 1995: