This Week in Milford

August 5, 2019

Jorts Law

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What the hell is going on here??

If they are going to decide Tiki’s case, they need to apply their policy. The decision and the policy are both subject to challenge, whether they do it in public or not. I guess these guys are just amateurs and they don’t grasp this, or they just aren’t used to Chicago lawyers getting up in their business. Tank townies just bend to their will and Ballard gets paid to be on the school board just by making calls from the offices of Ballard Insurance while Carol calls a meeting once in a while.

What a shit show.

 

July 10, 2019

Of Bulls and Talking Horses

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I recall having a convo a few years ago with mrs. teenchy* and her late grandmother, a woman born before the US entry into World War I and who nearly lived long enough to see the centennial of the Great War’s start. We were talking about TV and mrs. teenchy asked her grandma if she ever watched The Lawrence Welk Show. “Heck no!” replied grandma, “that show’s for old people!” In her mind, Lawrence Welk’s target demographic was people born in the 19th century.

Previously I’d speculated that Gil Thorp‘s target audience might be people who read GRIT, but now it’s clear: it’s people who are old enough to have watched Mr. Ed**. But yay continuity, if in name only. Visually, it’s another Ed that’s getting the shout-out.

It just dawned on me that it’s never been established which NBA team Jaquan plays for. Today’s strip establishes that he does not play for the Bulls, so the color version of the July 4 strip is just flat out wrong. Blazers maybe?

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It also establishes that lawyer Ed V. Baxendale has become kinda clueless. He should have some idea of the average partner salary in Chicago, even if those average salaries are a bit depressed due to “the city’s historic practice of making lawyers partner at a younger age.” The upshot is that Jaquadley has enough disposable income (and, probably, no student loans) to own multiple properties, including pretty much anything in Milford. Also pretty clueless of him to think that Hadley would have to leave her job for the sake of the relationship. Pretty sexist, too, but that’s par for the course*** in the Thorpiverse.

*Yes, Virginia, there is a mrs. teenchy. Shocking, I know.

**Hey, remember when Mr. Ed took BP with the Dodgers? Wouldn’t a horse playing for the Mudlarks have been more interesting than that TCFS nonsense this past spring?

 

***That’s the only golf reference you’ll be reading here for some time.

April 4, 2019

The Dumbness Of It All

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Are we STILL in this powwow caterwauling about our personal reasons why we didn’t make scrimmage which I think Mimi scheduled about the time they elected the last Pope? Do we really honestly have to keep harping on our petty differences and keep wasting 3 panels per day and watch several Sysiphus’s keep pushing that boulder up the hill, only to find out we have 3 MORE panels to push the boulder on and then learn we could be thrown 3 panels at a time and the damn rock is still in the gym at the half court line? Thank God, Mimi didn’t schedule the end of the year Sports Banquet. Did Sisyphus ever try to push a humongous MVP trophy up a hill?

Gang, before I go any further, a HUGE apology to y’all because I have been trying like Hell all day to get this published and my phone kept erasing the work. As you can see, it took a while to get to where I could publish anything. I wouldn’t blame if you don’t want to read any further but if you do, I will ’til my dying days try to get this damn problem fixed. It is no fun having Eureka! moments, only to watch the phone wipe them away (fortunately I wrote it all down, something good comedians do, as my dad has taught       me) . Thank you for your patience. Your readership in a over a year of publishing means the world to me.

Isn’t Nancy beating a dead Mr. Horse in the ground????????

“Nope, she’s running the ticker tape out into center field. I’ll have to use the vacuum. I don’t think I like getting the extension cord and plugging it into the outlet in the scoreboard. I don’t like it one bit.”

OK, OK, Nancy, Diff’rent Strokes for Diff’rent Folks. We gotta live together. P2 is a good embodiment of that. I’ve listened to the same Sly & The Family Stone album you have. Now will you turn off your Close ‘n’ Play and Puh-LEEEASSSSEEEE get your ass out on the field and play ball???????????

By gum, we’re still in the Milford Mall after having danced to “All Over the World”. Are we waiting for an encore?????? No, Nancy, I don’t think Guy Lombardo and his Orchestra are going to appear to play the same song, I’m doubtin’ he has the same technology as Jeff Lynne, ditto, Lawrence Welk. Mitch Miller? And those acoustics that sounded like they were singing straight from the commode? Fuhgetaboutit.

I just mentioned Jacqueline Susann and her band of Merry Valley of the Dolls in a tongue-in-cheek manner, thinking,well, it IS a sports strip, Major League Baseball just started the season, and there was action at the beginning of the arc.

But Susann can go to Midas and read through several articles in National Geographic (“Milford at a Crossroads.”) in the waiting room  before all her calipers and brake pads are fixed and still have time to spare, maybe go to the Milford Majestic to catch “Mary Poppins for the Saturday Matinee (all seats, $4.00, free unbuttered popcorn) , before Valley of the Dolls concludes the Mini-Series. God, hope there’s not a sequel. And she might have just enough time to do a guest appearance on Holly wood Squares, assuming her agent gives the green light.

Linda and Nancy will surely kiss and make up and Linda will make the final cut for the Olympic Volleyball team and Nancy will have polished her act before performing Synchronized Kung Fu at Carnegie Hall (“Everybody was Kung Fu fighting HAAAAA!!!!!!!…”) .

EVERYBODY ALL AROUND THE WORLLLDDDDDD

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I JUST HEARD—

“GIL!!!!!!!!!! Get those teenagers away from the pool and tell them to leave!!!!!!!!! And get your ass in bed!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honnneeeeeyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! The doctor said this is good physical therapy on  my back.”

As we continue our tour of the Milford Museum of Fine Arts, we approach a painting recovered out of the property across the street from The Bucket, a lost entry from Picasso called “Diana Ross-One Day, We’ll Be Together”. No truer words could be uttered.  She simply never mentioned that she was forced to use Elmer’s Glue to prove her point.

Now the challenge is to figure out the rest of the anatomy and if you can match limbs to torso, apply at your nearest med school. They need you.

“…Catwoman at the rodeo with The Joker on a double date with The Riddler and Totie Fields??????”

“Gil, just because SHE got 30,000 hits, doesn’t mean YOU’D get the same result…”

All righty then, if you’re through playing Jenga, your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to figure out how Nancy rolls gutter balls publishing articles about Batgirl’s sex life. I’m sure it draws some interest but 30,000????? If there was an episode  about The Joker dumping alum in Batman’s Bucket Full o’ Cheerios while Robin is chowing down on a Bucket Sub, designed to give Batman the runs and Erectile Dysfunction so bad you’d  no longer see that bulge you used to see when Adam West donned the costume and there’d be no hope of little Batmans running around the Bat Cave, sporting bulges of their own, the episode would score big on the Nielsen ratings, I’m sure, but nowhere NEAR “Who Shot J.R.?” proportions. Nancy, it’d be in your best interests to adjust the numbers a tad.

So I don’t look like a wet blanket and rain on Nancy’s parade, so Batgirl calls the Green Lantern for a weekend retreat and because she’s lonely and she just has had a thing for phallic symbols painted green so she’s gotta have that Green Thang when they hit Mudlark Lake Resort. Sure, it makes a unique romance novel storyline but doubt any President of the United States really has any interest. Nope, don’t think Eisenhower would take the bait, much less use his influence to get 30,000 other people to read it.

Wonder Woman saving the Milford Gymnasium from Lex Luthor’s Gigantic X-Ray Machine is catchy but 30,000 sitting on the edge of their seats wondering if they’ll have open gym tomorrow is inflating the figures somewhat. You might squeeze another 5,000 if that same ray gun is aimed at The Bucket (“I’ll have the Bucket 3-Bean Salad and Apple Fries—GET DOWN!!!!!!!! LUTHOR’S POINTING HIS GUN RIGHT AT YOUR BUCKET PEACH COBBLER!!!!!!!!!!!”) but let’s not confuse Nancy’s “Let Me Roll Female Superheroes to You” with “Great Expectations”. One’s a classic and I’ll let you do the math on that one.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.: ‘I Didn’t Use No Gloves This Time!!!!!!!!! Me And Batgirl Are Completely On The Level!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!! IN THE NAME OF LOVEEEEEE

BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEAR——

“Girl, is there ANY way you can get your foot offa my spinal column???????? Hard to turn to the right at the bridge of the song.”

Kevin Wright of Louisville, Kentucky, you do a GREAT job of taking care of the customer at the Pizza Hut in St. Matthews, Kentucky. Your enthusiasm for your job is contagious and the Cookie Pizza that was made the other day was DELICIOUS. You hve over come a lot and it shows in the pizza you make. Giving up is not in your vocabulary. Gang, if you go to Kevin at The Hut, give him some love and respect, he’s earned plenty of both.

With “Fun, Fun, Fun” by The Beach Boys in the background

“Great balls o’ fire, we’re havin’ a great time down here at The Bucket!!!!!!!! Wish you were here.

Hi, this is Mr. Absentee Landowner, here to stop bad publicity in its tracks. Like bad plotlines, they put a damper on your business. Nobody buys Bucket Banana Splits when there’s no girls basketball as was the case this year. Had to send 2 tons of Chiquita to the Milford Recycling Center. Believe me, we’ve had more Bucket Slurpees dumped on our image and it’s time to answer the charges that Milford Beverage Warehouse has been leveling at us.

The Warehouse claims our last Zoning Commission meeting was cancelled because our case was hopeless. Allow me to set the record straight. One of the members of the Zoning Commission lost a grandmother when she put the car in reverse and got the surprise of her life. He had to attend the funeral. Out of respect, we sent a bouquet of daffodils that we ordered from Milford Floral to express our condolences. The meeting has been rescheduled a week from this coming Tuesday.  And our lawyers will be there, not down at The Warehouse buying Lance’s Sour Cream Crackers. Land o’ Goshen, the shit The Warehouse piles on.

And The Warehouse will have you believe that  our lawyer, Nick Vinicello, got concrete shoes fitted on from Payless Shoe Stores and dumped into Milford Reservoir, due to a rival family perturbed at his representing the Gambinos. But even as I speak, he is ordering Bucket Popcorn Shrimp and Caesar’s Salad, complete with 2 packets of Bucket Italian Dressing. The Bucket even let him wear his bullet-proof vest. He is confident we will get our license even if the whole damn Zoning Commission loses members of their families, explicable or inexplicable. Sometimes you can’t help it if a Milford businessman was a cousin of Jimmy Hoffa. I’ll bet an order of Bucket Rattlesnake Fries someone at The Warehouse was kin to Al Capone.

Now the good news. We are offering something unique. Right now through April, The Bucket is offering Children’s Drinks as a way of expressing our thanks for sticking with us while fighting The Dark Side. Darth Vader can fight this all he wants, but if The Force wants The Bucket to serve Buds and PBR right next to Bucket Grilled Chicken and Scallops Combo, The Empire can bomb The Bucket all it wants but Han Solo returned in the movie and will return to file an appeal should our initial efforts to serve The Good Life next to a Bucket Oreo Blizzard fall through The Galaxy.

And the kids are gonna love Creme de Menthe sprayed into their favorite drinks, from Coca-Cola to Choc-Ola to Hawaiian Punch. My personal favorite, Grape Kool-aid, has more zing with Peach Creme de Menthe squirted in the cup.

And don’t worry, we’ve arranged with the Milford Police not to make kids take a Breathylyzer test nor walk 10 feet in a straight line. As long as they’re not behind the wheel and they’re secure in the child’s seat, the Milford Police will call it even. You wouldn’t let your kids drive your Chevy Malibu when they’re sober. Why take a chance after a couple of brewskies? Buckle ’em up and forget it. Just wipe their mouths should they spit up all over the stereo speakers.

At The Bucket, we gotcha covered. We can cut into The Warehouse share of the market while still continuing to fatten Archie and Jughead on Bucket Burgers. Pop’s Choklit Shoppe will remain an institution even if they pull Moose over for a DUI. We can overcome the technical stuff. Come see how today.

We will always serve Milford no matter what affadavits The Waehouse tries to file.”

Gang, comment away. Thank you for your patience. May God truly bless you.

BABY, BABY, WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO

“Girl, it’s goin’ straight down your throat if you flash your butt in my corneas one more time.”

July 12, 2018

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Pelwecki?

Filed under: freak hands, Gil Thorp, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 6:20 am

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Another strip already? I’m still mulling the meaning of the question “What about Kevin Pelwecki?” and why people will be asking it for the rest of his life. Does this mean he’ll always be the guy that gets excluded initially until the last minute when it suddenly dawns on someone that he hadn’t been given consideration?

“Well, I guess that’s it. We’re out of options. I guess we’ll just have to take the loss on this one.”
“What about Kevin Pelwecki?”
“Oh yeah, him. What have we got to lose? Send Pelwecki.”

Now on today’s episode of What About Kevin Pelwecki, where we join Kevin Pelwecki and Gil Thorp as they discuss the exciting future of Kevin Pelwecki. Gil seems to be advising Kevin to keep his options open which is code for “there’s no way you’re going to be walking on at State”. Either that or something way more racy like “it’s college, you’re supposed to experiment”.

“We need one more person for a proper Cambodian Flume Ride*, anybody game?”
“What about Kevin Pelwecki?”

The last time we saw Kevin, he was pretty pumped about going to State with an informal invite to consider the possibility of attempting to walk on to the baseball team. When did this become a problem for him?

“Oh shoot, I can’t think of anything else to put a button on this baseball season. Dafne’s going over to eat Ma Bader’s brownies. Del and Barry are still assholes, and we’ve done the requisite twenty panels of actual action. We’ve even thrown in four panels of softball but we’re still a few days short of a full season.”
“We can always just have Gil give some boilerplate advice to some kid about the future.”
“Yeah, but who should Gil be giving advice too?”
“What about Kevin Pelwecki?”
“Sure. Why not?”

*not a real thing

May 22, 2018

Violent Bader has struck again!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 4:29 am

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Acting like a cow’s ass

Yanked out by Coach Kaz

Arguing my life away

When will I grow up

My brain’s got the hiccups

My maturity is on display

Here, let me put my Violent Femmes record back in its jacket before I gripe. No sense spitting on vinyl. Okay, NOW, you mean to tell me that reruns happen in comic strips TOO???? We could have put today’s action in a random sequence 2 years ago in the baseball shenanigans and I bet if you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t have noticed it.

All right, keep an open mind, Mimi Thorp, at the tail end of the Girls Softball season, having won the Conference with an unblemished 2-0 record, in a random game, take your pick which one, in P1 (2 years ago, bear in mind) on Any Given Day

“Mr. Umpire, you are The Way, The Truth, and The Life, all Decisions are made perfectly and with the best intentions, no girl can’t go to the Umpire-in-Chief but through You and any girl ejected by You is automatically thrown to the alligators in Milford Swamp but isn’t that Infield Fly? A pop-up was hit by the batter that a fielder could catch with reasonable effort. Therefore the batter is automatically out and runners run at their own risk. I admit Daffy Duck shouldn’t have gone to the concession stand for a Slushee but she DID slide safely into 2nd base.”

P2 – “Fellow Way, The Truth, and The Life, you are ABSOLUTELY right. We made that a point of emphasis in this year’s rule book. Mimi, you know how to motivate your girls to play to their potential in this long 5-game season better than any of the Joe Blow or Jane Blow coaches that have coached against you for 60 years and I know you’ll have them prepared and in proper conditioning when the League expands the season by a game next year and-”

P3: “YOU REALLY SUCK, UMP!!!!!! I HAD MY MIDDLE TOE OF MY RIGHT FOOT ON THE BAG LONG BEFORE THE THROW GOT THERE!!!!!! DIDN’T THEY TEACH YOU METATARSALS AT THE RULES CLINIC? WHERE’D YOU GET YOUR LICENSE???? AT THE BUCKET?????”

“BADER, GET YOUR BUTT IN THE DUGOUT NOW BEFORE I SUSPEND YOU FROM THIS STRIP!!!!!!!!!!”

Okay, okay, so somebody might have noticed but not in the morning before the first cup of coffee. When they’re driving to work at the Milford Foundry, I’m sure the discrepancy would kick in. But by then, Thorpiverse has worked its magic. GOTCHA, Thorpiverse would say. Next time, don’t read Garfield first and you should be able to sift through each panel as if it were Pearls Before Swine. Take an extra cup of decaffeinated and Coach Thorp won’t be deciphered a la Prince Valiant. Make it easy on the eyes.

That Bader stare in P2 is golden. Not only is he honked because he’s not batting leadoff but now he’s getting an unwanted talking-to that is merely a diversion if you faithful fans have been keeping score. P3 is just BEGGING for a set-up job. I mean, we KNOW Bader is playing 2nd base, he will NOT be taking a dump in the Port-o-Let in left field when the Derby jerkoff runner is trying to send a message with his hard-nosed slide into 2nd base, where naturally, Bader will be waiting for the onslaught. After all these reruns, did anyone expect Bozo the Clown to sustain the impact?

“Next time, get out of the way, clown!!!!!!!”

Um, yeah.

Wait, just a second

I can’t find Second

It was here just a minute ago

Socks the Cat ate it

We gotta be creative

Don’t want the readers to know

Okay, gang, so I’m taking the Violent Bader concept a bit too far with that last stanza but WHERE THE HELL IS SECOND BASE IN P3????? Now, after taking a breathalyzer test and the dust has literally and figuratively settled, I THINK it’s that clump to the right of the runner barreling in on us. Gang, ya better take your 3-D glasses off or that Derby runner could be in your lap and then you’ll have popcorn all over the floor and Junior Mints stains on your Arrow sports shirt. Eat your Chuckles before Bader’s butt lands on your face. Man, THAT will get you drummed out of The Corps.

Oh, and we’re STILL trying to find 2nd base. Nothing like Han Solo to be firing on all cylinders and be just wasting his ammunition on some void near Cygnus X-1. And after all is said and done, if that clump just happens to be fresh cow manure… no, surely not.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Fan Arrested at Milford Baseball Game!!!!!!!!”

Sub headline

“Reported to be chasing a stray cat with a butcher knife near the bullpen.”

Down at The Bucket

We just say F— it

Forget about the game today

Order a milkshake

Wish they had Shake ‘n’ Bake

Frittering sports away

Socks the Cat eats at The Bucket. A finicky eater, normally prone to Purina Cat Chow Special Blend or to a hapless bird out of a bird bath, Socks can’t resist that good old-fashioned Bucket Burger, the Sandwich of Choice for the last 60 years. Made with 100% pure beef, made from the finest grain-fed Black Angus cattle direct from Circle M Ranch, a subsidiary of Milford Farms Inc., Socks will be the first to tell you that the Bucket Burger contains no hormones. That’s a sure-fire way for Socks to grow cat whiskers, nice and supple. And Socks can add CHEESE to the B-Burger. That’s right, 100% Grade A slices sure to add excitement and make Socks’ coat all that more shiny and new. And, boy, a slice of Monterey Jack is sure to cure Socks’ ED problems. If you see a litter of kitties in a garage somewhere, you have Sharp Cheddar on a Double B-Burger to thank for the endeavors.

Okay, gang, MARTY’S BACK!!!!!!!! And what better way to lose count over the days he was gone, yeah, I know, some of you bean counters marked an X with a highlighter on your Milford Janitorial Supply calendar, but the rest of us have gotten older and senile, ANYWAY, what better way to welcome back the Prodigal Son than with a 21-Gun Salute. Sung to “Gone Daddy Gone”

There he was in the bar

Brain was overrun from mental scars

CRYING AND PISSING IN HIS GLASS OF DEWARS

He was Gone Marty Gone

For many weeks

He was Gone Marty Gone

He couldn’t speak

Drank a hefty keg of Cutty Sark awaaaayyyy

Fired from ‘DIG for God knows when

It felt like Gil sent him to the Pen

THE DIRECTOR TOLD MARTY IT WAS FIVE TO TEN

He was Gone Marty Gone

The Parrot squawked baseball

He was Gone Marty Gone

The fans remained faithful

Still came to watch the ‘Larks get down and playyyyyyy

Anyone thinking Moon has changed

Won’t downsize Gil, they’re deranged

GO TO YOUR SHRINK AND GET REARRANGED

Cuz you’re Gone Daddy Gone

Read The Family Circus

You’re Gone Daddy Gone

Beyond a decent purpose

The Moon is back to bitch another daaayyyyyyyy

Fire when ready, gang. Socks the Cat and Marty are open game, not to mention the base or fertilizer in P3. Might wanna stick your toe out just to see which is which.

January 12, 2017

Do You Take Drugs, Danny?

Filed under: Exploding Eyeball Syndrome, Gil Thorp, metapost, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 7:50 am

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Mike and Ken have concluded their investigation and are sharing their suspicions with Gil. Smash cut to Gil’s confrontation with Aaron. I find this very interesting in as much as a public school teacher/coach would surely have to approach a meeting like this very carefully and might be required to follow some very strict guidelines. Perhaps parents would need to be present, perhaps other school personnel. Of course we know that it’s a free-for-all at Milford High and there simply isn’t time to include all the details needed for any level of verisimilitude. That would be another world entirely.

One also wonders whether Gil, armed with the circumstantial evidence from our intrepid boy detectives, might simply approach Aaron under the pretext of discussing his efforts on the court and seeming lack of conditioning. Are you getting enough sleep, son? Is there anything you’d like to talk about? In that vein. Again, that’s not Gil’s style.

All this is suddenly moot, however. Aaron is professing total innocence in the matter and he has a good reason. We have our plot now. Mom is in recovery or maybe unseen dad is a drug casualty or otherwise out of the picture due to a substance abuse problem. Aaron simply loves the night life. He likes to boogie, etc. Either that or Aaron is a good liar. We live in a post-truth world now, so why not just deny everything vociferously. Either way, details will follow. Maybe there’s something thoughtful to follow. Don’t hold your breath.

On the meta-commentary side, I used the color strip from Comics Kingdom today as the GoComics site took wasn’t available within my usual window for posting. Also, GoComics has recently updated their site and size of the default image view is different and there’s no alternate image available there anymore, so I can’t grab an image consistent with the ones I have used. I know that’s a bit OCD. Mostly, I don’t like to have to take multiple steps to produce this schlock if I don’t have to because I’m usually doing this at 5:00 am.

GoComics’ About Gil Thorp description is lazy and inaccurate, too. I submitted a comment to the site about that. Corporate overlords (or non-paid interns monitoring user feedback) need to know that Jack Berrill can’t be sent to the corn field with the Thorp children.

December 6, 2016

Does Gil Even Have A Seat On The Bus?

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Well, Heather didn’t end up in a refrigerator, so this is a slightly more satisfying wind up of the plot than the Addison ‘Boo’ Radley arc.

Gotta give Gil credit for flat out admitting he hadn’t really given a lot of thought to the VT game.

If I could see one alternate panel, it would be a close up of Austin’s face while Gil is delivering the panel one dialogue. I wonder if Austin is a senior?

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