This Week in Milford

February 15, 2021

That’ll Be All, Tom

Filed under: Gil Thorp — nedryerson @ 1:16 pm

Doug Guthrie’s dad teaches pursuit driving to cops. I heard that before somewhere but it bears repeating because the stultifying pace of this plot is enough to make you beat your head against the wall until you forget everything. So Tom and Doug are out cruising around in Doug’s all weather vehicle and…wait, are they gonna get pulled over again?? Did Officer Wilbon forget to check Doug’s fluid levels and give him his green stamps.

Meanwhile Vic is hanging with, wait are these two guys Vic’s “go-to’s:? They’re suddenly showing up wherever Vic goes. If these guys are Vic’s pals who sit around playing grab ass under the pretense of gaming, they’re gonna be out on there ears when Vic has Tessi over for some Netflix and calculus. Anything can happen!

February 13, 2021

Today I Learned Privilege Is a Thing in Milford

****THIS IS THE SATURDAY POST****

Lemme get this straight. Doug Guthrie decides when he blows off practices and when he suddenly unmisses games there are no consequences from the coaching staff. He speeds through town just as snow beings to fall – from a clear blue sky no less. (I know that when it rains while the sun shines, the devil is beating his wife; what’s he doing when it snows while the sun shines?) He gets pulled over and let go by a deferential Milford cop who asks him pretty please to slow down. Let’s not even bother to guess whether Doug’s self-assessment of his driving skills is sarcastic or not and cut to the chase: just who is Doug’s father anyway?

Could it be there’s finally a man in Milford who is so powerful and influential that even Gil Thorp dare not cross him? Is he the Thorpiverse’s version of Skip Barber or Bob Bondurant? If Pops Guthrie is so wealthy and has such an in with the po-po, why doesn’t he slide them some coin? This poor Milford cop is under-dressed (no coat in the snow) and appears to be driving a Crown Vic Police Interceptor that is ten years old at the newest.

We’ve been wandering almost rudderless for two months now. This latest development has the potential to be more interesting than the social butterfly who can’t play defense stroking the PA announcer with CP’s ego, or why the fire hydrant with a chip on her shoulder cares about any of it. Of course, this means we probably will hear no more about Pops Guthrie until we find out he’s paid off Chief Lind after Doug does donuts on Dr. Pearl’s lawn.

Speaking of donuts on lawns: Doug may own a GTO, but if he owned a Camaro you know it’d be bitchin’.

Hey roadhog, ease up!

***THIS IS THE FRIDAY POST****

Only in Milford can it snow on a clear blue day. But Doug is still speeding, and the cop pulls him over. Hey, if my car took up the whole road and no one else was on it, I’d pay no attention to the speedometer either. And apparently the cop knows him well enough that he addresses Doug by name without asking for his license. Yes its just a friendly warning, but if I’m Tom I’m a little nervous that Doug converses with policemen on a regular basis. In other words, he speeds regularly in his GTO, on or off the racetrack.

P2 the 2 boys seem way closer to each other then should be normal in a car like that. Obviously Doug couldnt pay for extra width in his 2nd car.

The cop not only has on a tie, which I never see on cops around here, but his outfit is a bit colorful for a policemans; he looks like he’s ready to enter a race himself. All he needs is a Pennzoil label above his breast pocket and he’s good to go.

February 11, 2021

Confucius Say, Man Who Comes To Practice In Tank Is Not Ready For The Race.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:54 pm

Let’s get the obvious out of the way even if it really may not be all that obvious. It is my humble opinion that The Contessa is friendly with The Vic because she wants him to pump the games, given his proven ability to rabble-rouse which certainly has had a hand in rallying the Mudlark Boys and Mudlark Girls to victory on the hardwood.

Therefore, Vic may be disappointed if he asks her to the prom. Oh God, no, Vic, do you think I’d waste my mom’s credit card at Milford Formal Wear to rent a gown just so I could dance to “Disco Inferno” with some geek like you? What would the other Valley Girls think? That I date dweebs with an avocado personality even though they can sell Kentucky Fried Chicken to a vegetarian when you’re on your soapbox? Oh, thanks for calling me Air Contessa after I dunked Corina’s missed lay-up.

You be the judge.

And Vic is getting little comfort from Gumby’s grandson who evidently needs to consult with his tailor at Milford Big & Tall about changing the size on his Depend Undergarments. He has more crease marks than Mimi has 5-game schedules and that’s pretty frightening. And then there’s Mr. T.

“Hey boy!!!!!!!!!!! Them are mighty fine arrows all over yo’ Levi’s!!!!!!!!!! When ya done git thru talkin’ ’bout Vic ‘n’ Tessi gittin’ it on at a Motel 6, git yo butt over here and f-“

Well, I think you can connect the dots, in some cases literally. But now the question remains WHERE THE HELL IS THAT OTHER BALLOON COMING FROM??????? Now, I have rightfully surmised that Lumpy Levi’s made the first comment but the 2nd one is still up in the air, given that the caption is aimed at the belly button of Vic’s other partner-in-crime. Knowing that abdomens don’t talk, I’m going to give this one the benefit of the doubt and say Bachelor #2 is uttering the rebuttal even though Vic could very well have said it himself. But leave Bachelor #2 out of the picture and who’s going to tell Gumby III that his Fruit of the Looms are growing exponentially out of his jeans? Gil? He’s still frisking Knappe’s locker for Jelly Pudding Pops. You could gouge somebody’s retinae with the emory board once yiu’re done licking the delicacy. No, in the end, Bachelor #2 will be the one to break the news to Gumby III. Believe me, I’m sure there’s a tactful way of saying “You don’t know jackshit about flirting” or “The seat of your pants have a gigantic marshmallow, you ever thought of getting Hanes Underwear that doesn’t come in sizes that could fit an ostrich?”. It takes practice.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Negotiations Hit Impasse Between The Bucket And Ronald McDonald Legal Team!!!!!!!!!!!! Probe Expected!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Sub headline

“The Bucket Spokesperson: ‘We’re expressing concerns over the child molestation charges levied against Mr. McDonald and Mr. Hamburgler in Sioux City, Iowa.'”

“Dr. Pearl, The State Superintendent of Public Instruction is here to talk to you about a possible promotion. He’s waiting outside that door.”

“He never called me. I have a lot of paperwork amd I still have those School Tax Incentive Forms from the IRS-“

WHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that Polar Bear Stole Chez Gil that Tessi is modeling indicates that she comes to games making a fashion statement. Just don’t tell anyone that the outdoorsmen got it from the Milford Zoo when the polar bear on display had run its course and given up the ghost but that another one was due from Baffin Island anytime. Glad to see that dead animals can resurface and add zest to this plot. It fit perfectly in Doug’s Sherman tank. People saw Sherman rolling down Main Street and they were oblivious to a 2-ton dead animal. As long as Tessi and those concerned keep it our little secret, she can wave that victory towel and nobody will know the difference.

On the other hand, that backpack that’s made out of the squirrel skin she got from her BB gun might be harder to slip past School officials. The jury is still out.

Because I am amazed that ANYBODY would think Confucius said certain things, as if he coined the word “graffitti”.

“Kaz, did Confucius say, ‘Man with hole in pocket feel really cocky’?”

“Gil, have you been reading the bathroom wall at The Bucket again?”

Thorpiverse is once again insulting our intelligence. I am painfully aware that there are athletic directors that are also coaches. Several small high schools fit that category as AD’s are often compelled to wear many hats.

But coaches know you have to have practice if you want your team to win and anybody expecting an AD to call off practice 2-3 days before Boys Basketball or Girls Basketball Sectional in Indiana for an AD meeting at the local Applebee’s might as well be waiting for Gil to wear a Mohawk. Ain’t gonna happen. Marvin Wood wasn’t about to discuss at the Milan Moose Lodge how to sell raffle tickets for a chance to win a paid vacation for two at Patoka Lake before his Milan Indians took on South Bend Central. If you see the “’54 State Champs” on the water tower (which I have) , you know Mr. Wood skipped the AD’s Bar-B-Q ‘n’ Booze Jamboree.

And WHAT is Gil going to talk about that couldn’t wait until 5:00PM? Riot control at the volleyball games? Do we really have to call in the Milford National Guard just because an Oakwood player spiked the ball a bit too hard? Or people getting trampled at a Who Concert/New Thayer Freshman/Reserve/Varsity basketball game? I know Looney Mooney has been known to smash his Cadillac into the Milford Football tackling dummies but the options can be hashed through later on. I promise you, Maurern’s Diner will be open late. Or splitting the gate for the concession stand? Boy, that’s national news. Screw the Indiana High School Regionals this weekend, how are we going to divvy the Doritos Ranch Chips revenue? That Louisville Male-Lexington Bryan Station Kentucky State Basketball Final can wait. Let’s get out the calulator and figure the sales tax revenues on the Rice Krispies treats.

Allen Neuharth was right. Keep your sharp people on top and keep your bean counters on tap.

If ya go ta the prom with yore 745-pound girlfriend after she promised ta shower just this one time since she spends her spare time wrasslin’ the hogs in the pond, ya might be a redneck.

“Confucius say, a square butt will shit a lot of bricks.”

“Aaaaaaa, Dr. Pearl, I think you better express budget constraints with the Superintendent another way. Here, I have a Guideposts in my backpack.”

QUIT THROWING THESE SHADOW PEOPLE AT US, THORPIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lordy, you talk about someone making his presence known on “America’s Most Wanted”. So here’s John Walsh with the call

“…he is known to roam the hallways at all hours of the day. He is spotted at several ball games, sitting next to the cheerleaders. He does not carry any weapons to speak of but exercise caution if approached by him. Only use your AK-47 if he comes within 15 feet. He likes to sit in the back of The Bucket when the kids are busy teleconferencing nuclear physics. Many times he orders Bucket Crab Cakes and a Bucket Lime Slushee. He goes by several alias’s, such as Bubba Griddlesworth and Felix Hardeman, Jr., but sometimes also responds to Irving or Arturo. If you’ve seen him, call 1-800-NAIL-GIL immediately. Your tip could save a life.”

I mean, really, for all we know, that’s Justin Hayward from the Moody Blues about to walk out the door to do a remaster of “On The Threshold of a Dream” at WDIG studio after he was in the faculty lounge talking about the Cubs with Gil (couldn’t resist, Rob, couldn’t resist) . Or maybe that’s Harold Stassen campaigning to get the Mudlark vote for the next Presidential race. A few more Mudlark electorates, and he was good as the Oval Office.

Wait a minute. That’s Slim Whitman taking a break from touring. I thought I heard “Red River Valley” sifting out of the cafeteria.

“Confucius say, Woman who sends Man to doghouse might find him in the cathouse.”

“Peaches, I knew I heard Gil and Mimi arguing the other day but…”

I was half-way kidding about the vehicle, to tell you the truth. Upon closer inspection, that thing could scale the walls of the Empire State Building to pick up Fay Wray for lunch.

Look at it!!!!!!!!!!! You could relax on the driver’s side tire and watch the Super Bowl when your recliner is getting reupholstered at Milford Furniture Finishing. Anybody with a picnic basket in these snowy conditions won’t be disappointed putting it down on the only rubber picnic table within the city limits. If that wasn’t the frontrunner in the Battle of the Bulge, we must have resorted to Greyhound busses with bazookas shooting out the emergency door.

And what the heck is this mean machine he keeps crowing about? All I’ve seen is a guy who skips practice every time the Indianapolis 500 comes to Milford and who brags about his Hot Wheels collection at the earliest convenience. Open the damn garage door and let us see this Richard Petty Special you have hidden behind the lawn mower or shut up and go to practice. Of course, you need to be at practice anyway, Hot Wheels or no.

And I can’t even imagine the other modes of transportation he utilizes when attending school/practice (based upon availability and desire and any modicum of motivation) /school play etc. Like, if you see a Trailways in the parking lot when the school orchestra is performing Les Miserables, we’ll feel safe in knowing it’s not The Brady Bunch’s set of wheels. They’ll have a station wagon handy. If you spot a Freightliner B Class Furniture Truck the day Milford High School is staging the SAT test, we’ll assume that wasn’t driven by one of the proctors. Mr. Rooney did not come to work in George Jetson’s Spacemobile.

And it must be nice to know ol’ Don’t Give a Rat’s Behind About The Team can park all these contraptions in his garage. And we still haven’t seen that racer he raves on and on about. We might see it the next time Milford High School puts on Faculty Follies.

“Mimi, you should have heard some of the things Marty Moon said about your 5-game schedule. He said Sergeant Snorkel could schedule games better than you.”

“If I ever get my hands on him…”

“He’s right outside.”

WHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SSSPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I assume that building off in the distance is the gym. It had me worried. I have never known too many Sherman tanks set up shop in front of a neo-Federal Amish barn. I don’t recall gabled windows but maybe those prairie-style windows can be compared to looking through binoculars from the wide end. A lot you can see when the view is myopic. Anyway, park that Sherman tank and let’s get to square-dancing in that barn before it gets too crowded. Be careful not to park it in the handicapped section.

Today’s Black History Month entry is a man who overcame a lot to be a well-respected literary critic, Henry Louis Gates, Jr. He was born in West Virginia and was raised by industrious parents who chose to press forward, even when racism could occasionally rear its ugly face. They always had food on the table and a roof over their head. Gates eventually attended Yale where he graduated summa cum laude. He wrote the book “The Signifying Monkey” the main premise of which espoused that black literature had its rightful place alongside white literature. With strong authors like Langston Hughes and Toni Morrison, it was tough to argue the point. Gates has won several awards, including the Peabody Award for his multifarious contributions to literature. Please join me in saluting a man who showed you could enjoy “Moby Dick” and “The Negro Speaks of Rivers” off the same shelf.

“And Milford Lady Mudlarks defeat the Jefferson Generics, 52-45, and Vic Doucette is nowhere to be found so I’m left holding the fort. He must have wanted an early start on Air Contessa. We’ll be back with final stats after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Folks, I am in utter disbelief. And you should have heard the conversation from the Milford Beverage Warehouse owner. He didn’t talk like the deacon he is at Milford Baptist Church, rest assured. He and I couldn’t believe that The Bucket is still negotiating with Ronald McDonald even with all these charges thrown at him left and right. Tax evasion is one thing. We have plenty of accountants here in Milford, Mr. Ronald. But trapping innocent children at an outhouse in a state park somewhere in Iowa for your own personal sexual Garden of Eden wouldn’t sell an outdated six-pack of Canada Dry Ginger Ale here at The Warehouse. Your legal team tolerates sexual escapades implicating Romper Room? Where did your lawyers pass the bar? Out of a garbage truck? And you still insist to the Milford Beverage Commission that everything’s warm and toasty ehen petitioning for a liquor license? Whoaaaaa, Nelly!!!!!!

But enough of Ronald McDonald dropping his trousers in all the wrong places. Hi, this is Coach Thorp speaking on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And Man o Man, I am just flat-out blown away by the newest promotion campaign that Milford Nutr-Well Center is undertaking and so was the Warehouse owner once he sat on his couch after an hour of profanity-laced tirades aimed at The Bucket.

And the Milford Nutr-Well Center was so successful with Oust 50 Pounds 50 Ounces Off Of Omaha Steaks On One Month’s One Hour’s Time Or Your Money Back that Milford Beverage Warehouse had to get in on the fun. We saw too many people who were fat as the Pillsbury Dough Boy the last month who were now in the checkout lane buying a 30-Pack of Busch Light, thin as a rail from all those Triple-Trimmed Tenderloin Tips they ate for dinner. How could we let a culinary cash cow go through the security monitor?

That’s why we’re excited about our Oust 50 Pounds 50 Ounces Off Of Omaha Steaks, Own A Free Bottle Of Booze shindig. And Milford Nutr-Well Center is loving it. Shoot, why not? Come on, Junior. It’s time to shed that lead and you can shed it and get a bottle of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey, 1.75 Liter absolutely free and all you have to do is munch on a pile of boneless pork chops for a month. Surely, you can spare some change at the Nutr-Well Center plus throw some packages of chops in the shopping cart when you’re at Milford A & P. Problem solved.

But hey, maybe some of you like to loosen the loose baggage the hard way and you got to stack that Butcher’s Cut Filet Mignon to the ceiling because you like to go all the way in your diet regimen. I can tell you’re a Type A personality. No problem. You will be rewarded for your efforts with a Jim Beam Bourbon Supreme, a $20.99 value. Make sure the check clears when you send it to the Nutr-Well Center and there should be no problem when you’re taking your booze out the door.

Then there’s some of you wussies who prefer to lose weight with a stack of Caramel Apple Tartlets on the coffee table. Personally, I ain’t ever gonna chase some cherry tartlets with a fifth of Jack but different strokes for different folks. But if you manage to lose all that weight and not be a pussy eating Exquisite Twinkies, the Warehouse will reward you with a bottle of Joel Gott 815 Cabernet Rare Edition Plata y Oro 1843 Vintage Gold Rush. One per customer, please. We want to send everybody to the parking lot happy.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the days of putting off eating healthy are over and Milford Beverage Warehouse is there to see you to the finish line. And with a partner like Milford Nutr-Well Center, dieting and drinking just go together like Santa and his reindeer. Come see what’s like to trim down and get a Budweiser as an incentive and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, I keep trying to tell you, that is NOT Bigfoot in P2. He’s somewhere in Arkansas. Or was it Delaware? I can’t remember, I’ll have to retrieve the article in the Milford Enquirer.

But God bless you, Gang.

In the hallway in P2

THAT’S THE ONE WHO SHOT COACH SHAW!!!!!!!!!!! IF I CAN GET ON MY PHONE-

“Vic, I forgot to ask. Could you give a shout-out for Corina’s mom for the next game?”

“Confucius Say, Man who eats jelly beans farts in Technicolor.”

“Nah, that won’t replace the Omaha Steaks campaign. Not even close.”

February 10, 2021

Spread the Word. How Easy Is That?

Finally we learn who the Lady Mudlarks were playing the past couple of strips, as well as the outcome. Vic either must have said “Co-Co-Rina” off-panel yesterday or unnamed Lady Mudlark randomly tagged Corina with it. Painfully apparent that the Thorpiverse exists in another dimension as she hasn’t been called the painfully obvious and not entirely inappropriate “Corinavirus.” Of course the obvious question is “If Vic Doucette slaps a wacky nickname on you and there’s nobody there to hear it, does it stick?”

It will if The Contessa has anything to say about it. There’s precedent for guys coming out to girls’ games if it means that those girls will keep talking to them. Throw in a pat on the arm and they’ll get the bleachers packed. Maybe the nerd on the left in P3 will have added a few more whiskers to his scraggly mustache (which earns him a Pantheon of Hair tag and earns The Chief kudos for the accurate teenage boy facial hair) in time for the next game when Vic whips people into a frenzy.

February 9, 2021

Go For The Gold, Su-Sussudio.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:27 pm

WHAT???? SOMEBODY’S telling Corinavirus to get her head out of her ass and wake up and smell the coffee???? That team goals are better than me goals, something many of our readers have been saying to Corina for months???? It took this long for Milford to start telling certain players to quit being a sniveling snot and focus on the next game????

They didn’t get any help from Gil or Mimi, fer sure. They’ve been too busy at the faculty lounge delegating authority when they’re not riffling through somebody’s backpack for plastic silverware. Yes, Ump, I know we got a game but I’m about to suspend somebody for bringing too many Twinkies to school. Let me know what happened.

And then we have Tom Jones singing “It’s Not Unusual” whenever Con-Contessa shoots a three. If Corinavirus fouls out, is he going to sing “What’s New, Pussycat?” Once, Vic was just a lowly P.A. dude with a hot dog and Coke for wages. Now, he’s Gary Puckett & The Union Gap. Oh, I’d like to sing “Young Girl, Get Outta My Mind” to Corina too but first things first. Make sure you match up the player with her number, Tom Jones.

I never knew that you can tell you’re about to hit the jackpot at the slot machines at the gambling casinos. But this one analyst apparently has it broken down to a science

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Disallowed From Entering His German Shepherd Through Security At Milford Riverboat Gaming Wonderland!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“They just won’t admit the truth. That mutt barks its fool head off when the machine is about to spill the coins all over the floor.”

WHO is this guy in P1 barking his fool head off? We’ve gone a little from enough fans to fit in a phone booth to more fans than you can fit in the Arctic Ocean and after recovering from all the fans and polar bears in the bleachers, we are left guessing who this person might be. Couldn’t you imagine an episode on “America’s Most Wanted”, John Walsh with the call

“…he is known for attending Mudlark Girls Basketball games. He cheers even during the National Anthem. He almost approached Mimi Thorp about being an assistant but Gil objected because it wasn’t within the budget. He is armed and dangerous. If you see him, do not confront him as he will throw a slaughterball at your head. Call the Milford Police…”

Okay, so he might not be John Dillinger on the loose.

How ’bout a fan at the wrong place for a concert

“James Brown-Live at the Mudlark Gym ’68!!!!!!!!!!”

“Can I take it to the bridge!!!!!!!!!!!”

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Can I take it to the bridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“Can I take it to the Gillllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Boy, that WILL start a riot. And unless referees wear funky high heels, that has to be Bootsy Collins.

Maybe the fan intended to go to a Nixon convention

“I AM NOT A CROOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Nobody’s saying you are, Gil. They just think you need to spend less time ransacking teenagers’ lockers, especially without a search warrant, and COACH. For once.”

AND YOU GOT CHEATING ON YOUR MINNDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I-I-INNNNNDDDDDDDDD-

“Gary, leave me and Gil out of this one. You are to only announce the girls’ names after they score.”

And I had to think long and hard about who Co-Co-Ssudio was talking to in P2 and I’m going to say she is NOT talking to The Contessa because The Jane Doe has a different hair color and uniform number than The Ditz, er, The Contessa. But by no means hold your breath as players have been known to change hair color at the 20-second time out. If you’re not careful, you’ll be applying liberal amounts of mustard to your beef hot dog and VOILA, the The John Walsh Renegade has #25 on her jersey. She’s armed and dangerous and can run the floor well. She can also play defense and is a superior rebounder.

And what’s the hubbub about her name? Are you going to talk about where The Contessa shops for cosmetics while on the 3-on-2 break? Nice conversation but gotta finish. That’s right, run a box-and-one when you’re talking about The Contessa’s dating life. He is so last year and YOU GOTTA GET ON HER!!!!!!!!!! Don’t forget to hit the outlet when breaking a press and OOOOHHH, HE’S GOT COOTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Corina, as they used to tell the referees, open your eyes, you’re missing a good game.

And I’m a self-professed crossword fanatic but I AM NOT calling a toll-free number and using my credit card to get answers to crossword clues

At the Milford Diner, Kaz and Gil over a coffee and danish fellowship

“So if we use an extra guard in the late going, we should break Oakwood’s press-“

“Excuse me, Kaz. Maureen, where’s a phone? In the hallway to the bathroom. Thanks.”

And leave it to Co-Cossudio to be bitching about all the wrong things. Thorpiverse had us faked out that she was going to crap on Vic’s parade en route to taking over for Harry when he’s in the bathroom on a Bud break or when Harry met Tessi through Vic and Vic seems to be holding serve on Harry.

But noooooooooo,Corinavirus has nothing better to do with her time, such as extra practice on her free throw shooting or her footwork in defense, than to go through the file cabinet and unsuccessfully try to unearth Tessi’s full name. And talking about it when the Mudlarks are staging a rally. It must be nice to gossip and give and and go. The stuff of three-point plays.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Cleared In Sting Operation At Milford Diner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I was just trying to get the answer to four letter word for ‘dog cuisine’ and I knew it wasn’t ‘bone’.”

And WHAT is The Jane Doe-The Contessa pointing at in P3????? Granted, when you’re trying to show somebody the way to the top, you’re pointing UPWARD with no particular object in mind. Fair enough. STILL, my imagination is running a little wild and I’m that’s the case with several of our readers and I’m going bananas. I mean, I hope she isn’t pointing at the referees butt when she’s talking about reaching for the stars. Really, don’t you think it’s tacky to refer to Dr. Pearl’s beehive when aspiring to lofty goals? Sure, go for the Gold, Corina and Jane Doe, just be careful where you point. We might get the wrong idea if you’re pointing at Vic’s lukewarm hot dog or his singing “Hang On Sloopy”.

And WHERE are they running???? Did they score and are running to the other end. Did the other team score and it’s Miller Time? The other team miss, Mudlarks got the rebound and now they’re doing wind sprints? Well, they’re playing the way they practice even if practice is now the game or is that vice versa? All this running to the point of no return is making me dizzy.

And then there’s the Bugs Bunny episode where the regular high diver doesn’t show up so Yosemite Sam makes Bugs Bunny do it. Thanks to Bugs’ cleverness, Yosemite Sam finds himself repeatedly flying into the tub of water 100 feet below. Once, Bugs is disguised as an Indian and the diving board is disguised as an old Indian trail, complete with an animal skull and a cactus. Yup, Yosemite Sam took the bait and flew into the tub (again) .

And isn’t that what Jane Doe is doing to Corina?

“‘That’s the way to the top!!!!!!!!!!!!”

WHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SPLASHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Coach Mimi wants to talk to you. She wants to make a defensive adjustment. She went that way.”

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SPLASSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Will you go talk to Vic and tell him to quit saying ‘Bertha Butt Boogie’ every time I score? He’s behind that door.”

WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SPPPLLLLLLAASSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

“The referees are behind those doors if you want to tell them that they suck.”

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SPLASSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“That can’t be right. The capital of Norway is Oslo, not Lima. Who do I talk to about refunding my credit card. Just a minute. Yes, Dr. Pearl?”

“Gil, I need to use my phone. The State Superintendent is due to call anytime.”

And is the crowd in P3 enjoying Tom Jones singing “She’s a Lady” or Corina falling several feet into a tub? You decide. I’ll try to sort the bodies in the stands in the interim. I think I can decipher the scribble marks this time. Like I don’t someone is cheering with a high heel shoe. And I’m sure the other guy is just pretending he has his fishing rod and is throwing his line out by the half court line. But sometimes stick figures have minds of their own.

Today’s Black History Month entry is The Chambers Brothers Band. They wrote the forceful, driving “Time Has Come Today”. This song, with its famous shrewdly-timed drumline that slows to an eerie crawl, was their trademark song. Originally starting out on the Gospel circuit, having performed in their home church in Mississippi, they eventually landed in the Newport Festival in 1965, blowing away the audience with their newly-created electric sound. They impressed several famous musicians including the great Pete Seeger. They found a niche in the Psychedelic Rock genre and were in high demand as a result. They proved that not all Blacks are stereotyped into Disco or R & B. They certainly SMASHED that perception. Please join me in saluting a band that made a splash on the Rock ‘n’ Roll scene and took no prisoners along the way.

“And we’ll be back to see where the heck those ladies are running. It couldn’t be The Bucket because that’s the other way. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At Coach Shaw’s domicile late one night, in the garage

“Honnnnnnnneeyyyyyyyyy, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s time to come to beddy byyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-Honey, why is a semi backing up in our driveway?”

“Woman, I have to stay fit and trim!!!!!!!! And the only way to do that under the Milford Nutr-Well Center Eat All The Wendy’s Bacon Doubles ‘Til You Puke And Still Lose 60 Pounds is to be well-stocked!! (To the driver) Watch the gutter. Okay, that’s good. Stop right there.”

“Darling, don’t you think it’s a little late to be bringing things into the garage?”

“Are YOU SERIOUS???? When I have lost 25 pounds and am on a roll? Mrs. Shaw, you obviously don’t know how to coach. When you find the other team’s weakness, you exploit that bad boy for all its worth. Dale Brown should have left Shaq in the game when they were pounding Indiana. It was like Goliath taking a seat on the bench when he was continually dunking on David. David won cuz the other team let off the gas pedal. That’s why I’m hauling in these 60 cases of burgers. I’ll be Slim Jim after about the 28th case. Oh, after I weigh them, of course.”

“Honeyyyy, tell the truck driver to come back tomorrow and let’s have a case of the fuzzy-wuzzieeeeeeeeesssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!! And there’s another shipment of Wendy’s French Fries from the FedEx semi. He should be here in half an hour after I phoned him the directions. After 14 cases of pure Heinz Ketchup ecstasy, I’ll be skinny enough to qualify for the Milford Marathon in the Spring. Me and Kaz are going to send our entry next week.”

“I’d like an entry all right.”

“Well, here, just sign your John Henry here on this form and I’ll get it notarized tomorrow. You should be good to go in about a couple of weeks.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Darn, where the Hell is the Uber driver???? He had 2 cases with Wendy’s Chocolate Frostys in them. I don’t want to get no love handles while I’m seriously training!!!!!!!!! And I don’t want them melting while I’m weighing them. The chocolate ruins the springs in the scale.”

The truck driver approaches Coach Shaw

“I need you to sign here. Ya gonna share these with your Honey?”

“Oh, my husband needs to share something, all right.”

“And she was right, as usual. I needed a good workout with my Significant Other and I didn’t need to puke for that. With treatment programs that are second to none at Milford Men’s Clinic, why let that Double Cheeseburger become Spam? Come to The Clinic today and put some meat back in those bones. Oh, the fun you’ll have, boning it up. Only at The Clinic.

That is NOT Slim Whitman in P1, Gang. He’s #1 in England, not Milford, remember?

But God bless you, anyway.

At The Bucket late one night

“Uh yeah, my expiration date is November of ’26. Now what’s a seven-letter word for ‘Buffalo Bill slept at this place in Milford’?”

“Gil, what are you doing in the women’s bathroom?”

At the Milford Nudist Colony Rec Hall

“Mommy, Mr. Moon said that every time Peaches waves her booty in front of the slot machines, all the coins spill out. Can I wave my booty?”

“Uhhhh, Keri, here’s a 50. Go wave your booty to the Good Humor Man.”

February 8, 2021

And The Crowd Goes Eh

Oh boy, Tessi Milton is really laying it on thick. She’s of the opinion that what the Lady Mudlarks really need is a generous helping of Vic Doucette magic. It appears that Vic can’t deny Tessi anything at this point. Will that 2004 GMC Safari be a rockin’ at some point?

So what is Tessi short for? The Contessa? ‘The Contessa’ Milton? Or just Contessa Milton? Oh Vic, I hope you haven’t gotten in over your head.

February 6, 2021

Shouldn’t You Be Playing the Game Instead of Talking to the PA Guy?

“Vic, my man! What happened to you? I thought we were cool. Bros before, uh, not bros.”

“Well, Tessi Milton made it pretty hard, if you know what I mean and I think you do.”

After the past couple of strips this comes as a surprise. I was sure Vic was gonna honor the age-old tradition of giving Milford girls’ teams short shrift compared to the boys’ teams. Wonder if we’ll find out just how Tessi was able to coerce Vic to call the Lady Mudlarks’ games. Somehow I don’t think root beer was involved.

Hey, but that pep talk Vic gave Doug is doing wonders for Doug’s confidence. Not only is he not moping around, he feels relaxed enough to have this little chat with Vic in what appears to be the middle of a game and while he’s in possession of the ball. This stunt should get Doug kicked off the team faster than you can say “Michael Schumacher,” but who knows given how welcoming Gil was when Doug told him he was scrubbing a race so he could play against Oakwood.

edit: Alert (or, at least, less fixated on the idea that Doug is doing something wrong than I) TWIMer Hitorque has pointed out that this convo is probably going on during pregame warmups, which makes far more logical sense than my hot take. Either way, how Tessi convinced Vic to cover the girls’ games still remains a mystery.

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