This Week in Milford

April 11, 2019

Put Me In, Coach, I’m Ready To Coach Today.

Filed under: ?, actual action, freak hands, Just plain sad, Mimi Thorp, Pointy Fingers — tdrewhardin @ 9:17 am

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Before we deal with reality here (no sarcasm intended, you know me) , is that the same fence that goes around Shawshank? We’ll never get out alive. Get busy playin’ or get busy dyin’ while we’re waiting for the clock to wind down. At least DuFresne had a stone Carver to weasel out of his own plot. And look where he wound up.

 

Outside of the Scrimmage Bust, we’ve really not seen Mimi in charge of anything and if today is any indication, that status seems unlikely to change.

Granted, teams need team leaders. Extension of the coaches. Nothing will pull your hair out if you’re trying to implement your system, philosophy, and ideas but no one cares enough to take that on the field or court and branch that system out to other players. Put Jocelynn Brown on my team ANYTIME. My ideas will spread like wildfire with her communication skills.

But P1, while I’m sure Brown will indeed develop into a team leader, if you had to translate, would ring something like “Sit yo’ ass down, Girl, I’ll go out and get her out of her funk.” Mimi, inverted hands and all, is staging little resistance at this point. Yeah, just sit on the bench, Mimi, and keep filing your nails. The inmates are still running the prison and are unlikely to relinquish control anytime soon.

“Hi, Pat Summerall for True Value Hardware. Did your hands make contact with the Milford & Oakwood coal train and you couldn’t spin away? And you’re already diagnosed with dishpan hands??

The good people at True Value have all the equipment to deal with such irregularities that won’t strain your budget.

Get a Dewalt 20V Combo Drill Kit on sale for just $159. You’ll also need a Stanley Fatmax Utility Knife to cut through the socket. Great for cutting through the wires when you’re tired of listening to Madden or Brookshier diagram another play.  That’s a bargain for $9.99. A Dewalt 30′ Tape Measure, now selling for $9.99. Gotta have accurate measurements here if you want your appendages screwed back in at the proper angle. GearWrench 8-Piece Set, an appropriate gift for anybody’s birthday, adaptable to any carpal size, on sale for $59.39. Poulan Chain Saw, in case the wrist project was more ambitious than anticipated, selling at a remarkable $55.99.

True Value Hardware has all the things you need to make life a little easier and when you’re finally able to hold tea cups without spilling Earl Grey on Gil’s lap and still be able to watch the game, life is sweeter.

But don’t take my word for it. Stop by your local True Value store and meet the friendly staff who’ll help you with your dreams and designs. And tell ’em Pat sent ya.”

What can I say about P2? It’s a given that Thorpiverse is trying to strut its stuff and flash its Withitness out for the world to see. Art patrons from all over the globe will be mightily intrigued, if not impressed, at this portrait hanging in the Gallery today, next to Dejeuner sur l’Herbe.  Girls who missed scrimmage because the Great Pumpkin was coming to Milford Farm Market to sign autographs in a questionable perspective next to a painting of naked women dining with Men About Town in Gay Paris, you couldn’t match George and Gracie any better.

So Thorpiverse is establishing the strike zone(Hoo boy) by showing what the diamond would look like if we were forced at gunpoint to give up our American Express Traveler’s Cheques AND take a snap shot from a certain angle, focusing on the catcher settling down the pitcher.

And, as mentioned earlier, Jocelynn could possibly be another Ozzie Bean, a catcher on Gil’s team who knew how to shrewdly handle a pitching staff. Yup, Milford Penitentiary was operated by John Dillenger and Pretty Boy Floyd back then, too. I felt sorry for the Sysco semi trying to implement food logistics past those 2 clowns.

Anyway, when she’s telling Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to quit aiming her sky hook and just pitch, is that the 3rd baseman to their left? Really no way that could be the shortstop, Ted Williams was left-handed, unless they got ANOTHER shift on an extreme pull-hitter who’s a 3rd base umpire’s nightmare. But what in the name of Dutch Rennert is she doing facing AWAY from the scheme of things???? Saying “Hi Mom”? If we wanted to be truly fair with perspectives, Mom would have to be perched along with the buzzards with their binoculars watching the same game on one of the branches on the mutant poplar in the background. I reckon that affords a better view than the bleachers and we’ll excuse Thorpiverse for mutant poplars taking foliage liberties in early April. Okay, T-verse, it’s in full summer bloom even if the sugar maple trees in the neighborhood around here are just now shooting out its whirlygigs(wink, wink).

So is the 3rd baseman playing pitch and catch? That’s what warm-ups before the game are for, amiright? And WHO would she be tossing to? The 3rd base umpire, who was last seen hiding behind the tarp rather than get pelted with a down-the-line job, at least that’s what the Missing Persons show reported anyhoo.

“If you’ve seen this man, call now at 1-800-THE-LOST or text at umpireisonthelooseandhis familyisgettingworried@yahoo.com. You can leave an anonymous tip and your call can help track down a man who’s needed for the Milford American Legion Tournament next weekend. He is in his 30’s, has blond hair, hazel eyes, calls a strike zone wider than Gil’s verandah, makes an occasional bad call at 2nd base because he’s dyslexic and thinks that’s 1st base. Please, if you’ve seen him, go to the phone IMMEDIATELY. Your tip does make a difference.”

 

Is the 3rd baseman playing pitch and catch with the 3rd base coach? That, BTW, wouldn’t be Mimi. Try giving the green light when the runner’s rounding 3rd with your hands welded in reverse. Man o man, the welder down at Milford Steel ought to take a urine test pronto. Don’t flash the bunt sign, Mimi.

The only other option is she’s pitching horseshoes. True, there might be a horseshoe pit by the batting cage and I’m sure horseshoe-tossing instills character and competitiveness, in that order (“RINGER!!!!!!!!! IN YOUR FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “CARR, SHAKE HANDS WITH BROWN OR YOU’LL BE RUNNING LAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!”) , but even if there is one (Thorpiverse and its Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds outlook on the softball diamond) , NO WAY could she be doing that with her cauliflower-shaped glove (Milford Sporting Goods were out of Spalding Rutabaga Special Edition) . She won’t get too many ringers that way.

Finally, the (fingers crossed) left fielder with the Christy Mathewson New York Giant 1905 Commemorative World Series Champion Memento uniform, complete with socks up to her pelvic area, is really out of position. No left fielder stands 3 feet from the fence on the 3rd base side unless she may be sneaking in a Camel break. Or kibitzing the 3rd baseman pitching horseshoes. She’s close enough to the action.

Or maybe

“The kisses and love

Won’t carry me

’til ya marry me

Gillllllllll

I got the Wedding Bell Bluuueesss”

 

Nah, couldn’t be whistling anything by The 5th Dimension. Just chewing on a Bazooka Joe while Jocelynn is learning Mimi’s job.

If ya swagger yore beer belly while yore standin’ in the 3rd base box as a signal that yore softball hitter’s got th’ green light on a 3-0 count ta park one over in the next softball diamond on a typical Monday night Men’s Open 40 and Over League, ya might be a redneck.

 

Jocelynn, your words of wisdom in P3 are priceless. You will make a great head coach one day. When Mimi is reduced to a role of a mannequin with her hands in reverse gear, you know the stage is yours. She and Gil are on the golf course half the time anyway.

 

 

You come on like a dream

Peaches and cream

Lips like strawberry wine

You’re six feet tall

You’re strong

And you’re still throwing heat.

 

All right, all right, get off my back. Jocelynn Brown and Ringo never met. Ringo just saw that on graffiti somewhere in Liverpool next to “Echo & the Bunnyman is God”. Just became a rough draft and the rest was history. Ringo bunked Pete Best and Mimi felt like Pete Best when George Martin wanted Jocelynn as the coach. Sue me.

Gang, it’s your turn. I’m going to get the left fielder’s autograph. Anyone have a Bic handy?

 

You walked out of my dreams

And into my arms

Now you’re my angel divine

You’re six feet…

 

 

In Dr. Pearl’s office on any given school day

“So you coached the Milford Optimist 3rd Grade Girls Softball League? What was your relationship with the fellow coaches like?”

“You have excellent references. I know Darryl Strawberry personally. He was coaching when Gil was on Sabbatical.”

“We have 3 other candidates to interview. Send me that cover letter at your convenience. My fax number is 1-888-523-9473.”

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April 10, 2019

The Bases Are Loaded: Is the Artist Loaded Too?

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Okay, could all y’all who said you were going to sleep please wake up and help me figure out the bizarro details in today’s strip?

Panel one starts out okey-dokey. Nice detail on the batting gloves, Chief and, uh, nice effort on using words that a softball player might use, Rubin.  Jocelynn Brown must be part of the Brown-Hiatt family ’cause she’s making things happen.

We get to panel two and what the hell is going on here?  Is this a Milford baserunner, base coach, or someone standing on a bag about six feet from the outfield wall?  Did she get her arms from an all-you-can-eat Alaskan king crab leg buffet?  Is she wearing Japanese tabi cleats?  Isn’t 410 a deep wall for high school softball?  (With this perspective, kinda makes you think that should read 4/20.)  Finally, is that a smaller Ricozzi’s Pizza billboard on the fence?  How funny would it have been had big money BRobby Howry kept buying ad space ripping Gil on his own playing field?

On to panel three.  I know that ideally a home plate umpire doesn’t line up directly behind the catcher, so as to have a better view of the outside corner of the plate.  I can’t recall ever having seen an ump line up that far off center – nearly perpendicular to the catcher – even with an unseen left-handed batter up.  Maybe someone who’s been to a softball game more recently than I can confirm this is legit.

Oh, and someone please tell me Benson uses this cheer:

 

Okay, everybody back to sleep now.

April 9, 2019

“We Beat The Mighty Ducks. Now Go Kick Bugs’ Ass.”

Filed under: actual action, softball — tdrewhardin @ 10:07 am

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Laughter is free

But it’s hard to be

A TWIM reader

Anytime

 

No one’s believin’

That this plot

Has any meaning

And we’re shocked

All the time

Deep inside

 

Sorry, Gang, had ta start off with a Moody Blues number to confront the Mighty Bunnies. Who’s their mascot, Elmer Fudd?

Shhhhhhhhhh. Be vewy vewy quiet. I’m hunting Mighty Bunnies. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I mean, really, can’t you see the fans in the bleachers, along with the fielders, shoutin’ out “Heyyyyyyyyy, battuh battuh, heyyyyyyyyy, battuh battuh SWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” with Elmer Fudd leading the charge from his megaphone??? Shoutin’ something derogatory to the umps

“Come on, ump, you need gwasses!!!!!!!!!!!! That pitcher can’t thwow stwikes. That pitch was at his bweastpwate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I can see the discipline report

“Man with severe lisp and shotgun by the chalk liner was getting very abusive with the men in blue. Repeated warnings were to no avail, even when offered rabbit stew from the concession stand. Had to be escorted by Dudley Dooright from the premises.”

And what’s he gonna do when it wains, er, rains????? Is he going to be able to fit under the concession stand with the rest of the fans?????? One would hope but some concession stands aren’t fit to withstand the capacity of a whole slew of bunnies, mighty or no. He could always go to the maintenance room and sit on a riding mower if the door is unlocked and his butt will fit on the mower.

Gil and Elmer, sitting on bags of peat moss stacked about 6 bags high, talkin’ baseball. Willllliiieeeee, Mickie, and The Duke. Priceless.

 

I’ve shed a tear for this plot

Watching it rot

Hoping it skips town

 

With back flips, cartwheelies,

Somersault feelies

Baseball’s one big clown

 

Laughter is free

But it’s hard to see

Gil coaching anytime

 

No one’s believin’

That this team is achievin’

We’re not shocked

At the thought

Anytime

 

P1 is interesting. Surprisingly, it really doesn’t have too many flaws, that’s what happens when Gil isn’t in the portrait and you can”t make another Everley Brother crack.

Mimi returns to Hee Haw. Lulu is sitting in the bleachers at the Milford Multi-Purpose Parthenon and Atheneum and Outdoor Facilities General Recreational and Enhancing Activities Softball Complex, surrounded by corn fields, the developers nice enough to bulldoze 9/10 of the same field but leaving Lulu and Grandpa Jones and Buck Owen and Roy Clark, et al SOMEWHERE to sit.

Mimi: “Hey, Lulu!!!!!!!!!!”

Lulu: “Hey what?????”

Mimi: You know how many Everley Brothers it takes to screw in a light bulb????????”

Lulu: “Wait, don’t tell me, Grandpa Jones  told me before he had his lobotomy-”

Mimi: “3. One to hold the ladder, one to screw it in, and one to say ‘ Hey!!!!!! You dumbasses, if we’re gonna make it down to the Muhlenberg County Fair, we can’t pull a Gil and wait!!!!!!!!!  The WK is backed up because a semi overturned and spilled Bucket Cheeseburgers everywhere!!!!!!!!! We gotta go now!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Lulu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

Oh, there’s Grace Jones gracing her presence in the hallways. I’m kinda curious what position she plays on the team. I’m comforted knowing that she’ll have a helmet big enough to engulf her hairdo so we can focus on her position. Ahhhhhh, Mimi know all, tells all.

“Grace, I’m going to try you at DH. Watch the ball all the way into your hairline.”

“Yes, Coach.”

And Mimi pulls off Hoosiers II

“What’s the matter now??????”

“Coach, if you’ll give me a bobby pin, I’ll hit that homer. Their pitcher is throwin’ mangoes.”

 

Then there’s the Hand of Lurch. Why can’t Thorpiverse draw anatomy of teenagers without involving Father Time?????? Do teenagers carry their Chem 1, Advanced Lit, Algebra 2, and Mechanical Drawing textbooks attached to forelimbs once owned by a little old lady from Pasadena who only used them on Sunday?????? Then endowed Barnabas Collins with them in her will before she died?????

 

At The Bucket

“WOW!!!!!!!!! That banana split looks awesome!!!!!!!!!! I’m gonna order that. Hey, waiter!!!!!!!!!”

“You rang?”

 

If ya pitched a no-hitter for Milford Foundry on Men’s Open Slo-Pitch Wednesday Night against Milford Toyota cuz half their team was too drunk to even bunt the ball ta git on base then go right around and coach Milford Tool & Die’s ladies team on Ladies Industrial on Monday night, complete with scorebook, pen, and Bud in your back pocket so the ump don’t see it while you’re standin’ square in the 3rd base box, ya might be a redneck.

 

And while I can appreciate their membership in the Reader’s Digest Book-of-the Month Club, they really should be toting textbooks. Isn’t that why they’re in the hallways to begin with???? I’m sure “Ball Four” was interesting (not really, Bouton was a clubhouse lawyer throughout the book, IMHO) but it’d be wise to be studying your capitals for that Geography 203 test tomorrow.

Otherwise, HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

 

If ya bought a new Hillerich and Bradsby Titanium special cuz ya like ta hear the WHACK of the bat when yuz hittin’ a homer over the right field fence even when the poor beer-bellied right fielder is givin’ chase and his CRACK is stickin’ out while he leaps 2 inches off the ground tryin’ ta rob ya of any glory, instead of KRAK, somethin’ some Pole stuck in the English language at ball games when Hary and Steve weren’t lookin’, and now it’s standard vocab for Fodor’s Polish in 10 Days, ya might be a redneck.

 

It sings

It dances

It throws and it prances

The ladies put on a show

 

Too bad

This is softball

No disco, no cannons

Linda won’t get shot out

Guess we better go

 

Laughter is free

But it’s hard to be

A Mudlark when it counts

No one’s really caring

The ladies have no daring

And they choke

Under pressure

Everytime

 

 

OK. P3 made me laugh. Benson Mighty Bunnies??????? But hold on, this was more of a Thorpiverse contrivance than a School Board-motivated vote. And I like different until it involves Thorpiverse and different has a tendency to steer the plot and create another New Madrid Fault. Life on the Mississippi with a steamship full of Mighty Bunnies steered by Mark Twain. And Thorpiverse one of the patrons. It’s different, if nothing else.

 

Anyway, I like different nicknames. In my home state of Indiana we have the Vincennes Alices (don’t laugh, they won the State in Boys Basketball in ’81 and have always been formidable) and the Shoals Jug Rox (named after the biggest free-standing rock structure east of the Mississippi, shaped like a jug, propping another boulder perpendicular to that-drive east on US 50 as you head into Shoals going down a gentle curvy hill, it’ll be on your left, can’t miss it) . So I like different. It makes for good high school rivalries.

But again, when Thorpiverse is involved, well…

That’s why I’ve employed the help of the late Stuart Scott, a man who took ESPN journalism to a new level and as long as the Mighty Bunnies are going to stick around

“It must be jam cuz Elmer don’t shake like that”

“Porky Pig, one swing at the plate BOO-YAH, it’s gone and the Mighty Bunnies tie it up”

“Foghorn had a no-hitter going through 6, Leghorn was like buttuh, he was on a roll”

“And they called Daffy Duck the Bus Driver cuz he took Linda Carr to School with that laser in left”

“Yeah, a grand slam and the Mighty Bunnies are runnin’ away with it, making the Mudlarks pay for no scrimmage cuz of all the sorry-ass excuses, YEAH, I’M FEELIN’ YA, BUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh, my, look at that great catch to rob Nancy of extra bases, can I get a Yosemite Sam from the congregation?”

“The dog in Foghorn Leghorn was cool as the other side of the pillow”

 

If you have others, go for it. Stuart would have wanted it that way.

Stuart, I miss you. You brightened my day EVERY day.

 

Comment away, Gang. Just watch out for that UFO in P3. And tell the coach in P3 the box is on the other side of the line. Oh, that’s the umpire. Doin’ the “Same As It Ever Was” dance as the Mighty Bunny runner. Ump, I think the proper mechanics is “Safe”. You know, wave both arms away from you, not strut like David Byrne.Remember, the umpire manual says “No one likes an actor.”

 

Laughter is free…

 

Your painted hair hides you

While you still hang out on the

Golf course

Yesterday

And Tomorrow’s fine

Fused as one

AS ALL THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS OVER THIS COCOA PUFFS OF A PLOT AND THEIR LOVE’S FORGETFULNESS

Upon you

So be thankful

For your painted hair

Clown

er, Gil

If loneliness wears the crown

of the

Veteran Cosmic Mudlark

April 8, 2019

Yada Yada Yada…You Gonna Finish Those?

Filed under: actual action, baseball, freak hands, google nonsense, huge earrings, The Bucket — nedryerson @ 3:35 am

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The results of the Linda Carr and David Walter Convention are in. Linda is pooped. Sometimes, saying you were tired is just making an excuse for being a real B without admitting that you’ve been a real B. (Why do I hesitate to refer to a fictional teenage girl as a bitch? How about a shrew? Whatevs.)

Linda is tired. Too many activities, too much homework and those loads of carbs from the Bucket will do that to you. Wow, look at the meaty cleft of her palm. Her chin just sinks in there! Does she even need a glove at short?

What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Carbs. The Bucket has them and David Walter, put upon boyfriend will put them away. He runs on carbs. They fire him up!

…and we’re off. Game action. Boys first, naturally. Jay Bhatia has become the opening day starter? He has achieved the goal he set last year. Also, he must have gotten contacts.

What’s this? The Burke Bulldogs are from Charleston, South Carolina, the “Final Destination” of the mysterious Mr. Bakst? Circles in circles, wheels in wheels.

Be sure to try the tasty burgers at SLOPS. SLOPS, our beef will make you see stars.

 

April 6, 2019

In Which Linda Channels Her Inner Pete Seeger

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They say at Milford High School
There are no neutrals there.
You’ll either be a Mudlark girl
Or worn out and pull your hair.

Ya know what’s worse than robmize complaining about the Cubs’ bullpen turning into the Nationals’ bullpen? The Nationals’ bullpen still being the Nationals’ bullpen! But yeah, it’s been some rocky going for our respective teams a week into the season.

Speaking of rocky going, what’s the Vegas line on Linda and David’s relationship lasting through baseball and softball season? Something’s gotta give and odds are it’ll be the dating that goes first. Nobody likes being called a hypocrite even if they are being a hypocrite, so that’s a nail in this relationship’s coffin. I guess one thing Milford has going for it is that it’s not the Canadian universe of For Better or for Worse, in which everyone was doomed to marry their childhood sweethearts. Still, that might’ve given us some hockey action and made the synchronized skating thing a bit less contrived.

April 5, 2019

Oh Lord. Kumbaya.

Filed under: lessons learned, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 9:42 pm

Back at it after 2 weeks off and .. are we Still on the ‘Reasons Why Individuals Couldnt Make a Meaningless Scrimmage That Is Tearing The Team Apart’..?

This strip has been a lot like the Cubs season so far, of which I witnessed the opening series in Texas.  They were completely dominant in the opener, so much so that almost everyone was predicting a sweep; writers, fans of both sides, even the mascot. And it has gone extremely downhill since then, a plethora of Ranger home runs and assorted extra base hits leading to a series win for the home side, (who knew the Cub bullpen would turn into the Nationals’?) and continuing in Atlanta and Milwaukee with even more horrid baseball;  the day after I got home they played perhaps their worst game in my lifetime, committing 6 errors while also getting shut out, which hadnt happened since the summer of ’65, pre-Rob.  (The Rennie Stennett 7-for-7 22-0 Pirate drubbing in 1975 would be the runner-up).

Hey, theyre giving up more runs then the Bears gave up points last season, or it seems like it.

Well we always start off with a promising new storyline every season (wow we have a girls story!), and then it quickly turns into a suckfest, and here we go again with the endless whining by all the girls (3 more panels of this??) about why they couldnt play in a scrimmage that we never saw, and over analysis of the various girls other lives outside of softball, until a month goes by and we havent played a game yet. P2 has a player with an exclamation point on her jersey, bringing to mind the Riddler in Batman with his question mark

Image result for Riddler in Batman

And finally the dopey male in the story falls for Mollys assertion that they all sang Kumbaya. At least someone looks dumb besides Rubin/Whigham.

April 4, 2019

The Dumbness Of It All

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Are we STILL in this powwow caterwauling about our personal reasons why we didn’t make scrimmage which I think Mimi scheduled about the time they elected the last Pope? Do we really honestly have to keep harping on our petty differences and keep wasting 3 panels per day and watch several Sysiphus’s keep pushing that boulder up the hill, only to find out we have 3 MORE panels to push the boulder on and then learn we could be thrown 3 panels at a time and the damn rock is still in the gym at the half court line? Thank God, Mimi didn’t schedule the end of the year Sports Banquet. Did Sisyphus ever try to push a humongous MVP trophy up a hill?

Gang, before I go any further, a HUGE apology to y’all because I have been trying like Hell all day to get this published and my phone kept erasing the work. As you can see, it took a while to get to where I could publish anything. I wouldn’t blame if you don’t want to read any further but if you do, I will ’til my dying days try to get this damn problem fixed. It is no fun having Eureka! moments, only to watch the phone wipe them away (fortunately I wrote it all down, something good comedians do, as my dad has taught       me) . Thank you for your patience. Your readership in a over a year of publishing means the world to me.

Isn’t Nancy beating a dead Mr. Horse in the ground????????

“Nope, she’s running the ticker tape out into center field. I’ll have to use the vacuum. I don’t think I like getting the extension cord and plugging it into the outlet in the scoreboard. I don’t like it one bit.”

OK, OK, Nancy, Diff’rent Strokes for Diff’rent Folks. We gotta live together. P2 is a good embodiment of that. I’ve listened to the same Sly & The Family Stone album you have. Now will you turn off your Close ‘n’ Play and Puh-LEEEASSSSEEEE get your ass out on the field and play ball???????????

By gum, we’re still in the Milford Mall after having danced to “All Over the World”. Are we waiting for an encore?????? No, Nancy, I don’t think Guy Lombardo and his Orchestra are going to appear to play the same song, I’m doubtin’ he has the same technology as Jeff Lynne, ditto, Lawrence Welk. Mitch Miller? And those acoustics that sounded like they were singing straight from the commode? Fuhgetaboutit.

I just mentioned Jacqueline Susann and her band of Merry Valley of the Dolls in a tongue-in-cheek manner, thinking,well, it IS a sports strip, Major League Baseball just started the season, and there was action at the beginning of the arc.

But Susann can go to Midas and read through several articles in National Geographic (“Milford at a Crossroads.”) in the waiting room  before all her calipers and brake pads are fixed and still have time to spare, maybe go to the Milford Majestic to catch “Mary Poppins for the Saturday Matinee (all seats, $4.00, free unbuttered popcorn) , before Valley of the Dolls concludes the Mini-Series. God, hope there’s not a sequel. And she might have just enough time to do a guest appearance on Holly wood Squares, assuming her agent gives the green light.

Linda and Nancy will surely kiss and make up and Linda will make the final cut for the Olympic Volleyball team and Nancy will have polished her act before performing Synchronized Kung Fu at Carnegie Hall (“Everybody was Kung Fu fighting HAAAAA!!!!!!!…”) .

EVERYBODY ALL AROUND THE WORLLLDDDDDD

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I JUST HEARD—

“GIL!!!!!!!!!! Get those teenagers away from the pool and tell them to leave!!!!!!!!! And get your ass in bed!!!!!!!!!!”

“Honnneeeeeyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! The doctor said this is good physical therapy on  my back.”

As we continue our tour of the Milford Museum of Fine Arts, we approach a painting recovered out of the property across the street from The Bucket, a lost entry from Picasso called “Diana Ross-One Day, We’ll Be Together”. No truer words could be uttered.  She simply never mentioned that she was forced to use Elmer’s Glue to prove her point.

Now the challenge is to figure out the rest of the anatomy and if you can match limbs to torso, apply at your nearest med school. They need you.

“…Catwoman at the rodeo with The Joker on a double date with The Riddler and Totie Fields??????”

“Gil, just because SHE got 30,000 hits, doesn’t mean YOU’D get the same result…”

All righty then, if you’re through playing Jenga, your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to figure out how Nancy rolls gutter balls publishing articles about Batgirl’s sex life. I’m sure it draws some interest but 30,000????? If there was an episode  about The Joker dumping alum in Batman’s Bucket Full o’ Cheerios while Robin is chowing down on a Bucket Sub, designed to give Batman the runs and Erectile Dysfunction so bad you’d  no longer see that bulge you used to see when Adam West donned the costume and there’d be no hope of little Batmans running around the Bat Cave, sporting bulges of their own, the episode would score big on the Nielsen ratings, I’m sure, but nowhere NEAR “Who Shot J.R.?” proportions. Nancy, it’d be in your best interests to adjust the numbers a tad.

So I don’t look like a wet blanket and rain on Nancy’s parade, so Batgirl calls the Green Lantern for a weekend retreat and because she’s lonely and she just has had a thing for phallic symbols painted green so she’s gotta have that Green Thang when they hit Mudlark Lake Resort. Sure, it makes a unique romance novel storyline but doubt any President of the United States really has any interest. Nope, don’t think Eisenhower would take the bait, much less use his influence to get 30,000 other people to read it.

Wonder Woman saving the Milford Gymnasium from Lex Luthor’s Gigantic X-Ray Machine is catchy but 30,000 sitting on the edge of their seats wondering if they’ll have open gym tomorrow is inflating the figures somewhat. You might squeeze another 5,000 if that same ray gun is aimed at The Bucket (“I’ll have the Bucket 3-Bean Salad and Apple Fries—GET DOWN!!!!!!!! LUTHOR’S POINTING HIS GUN RIGHT AT YOUR BUCKET PEACH COBBLER!!!!!!!!!!!”) but let’s not confuse Nancy’s “Let Me Roll Female Superheroes to You” with “Great Expectations”. One’s a classic and I’ll let you do the math on that one.

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J.: ‘I Didn’t Use No Gloves This Time!!!!!!!!! Me And Batgirl Are Completely On The Level!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!! IN THE NAME OF LOVEEEEEE

BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEAR——

“Girl, is there ANY way you can get your foot offa my spinal column???????? Hard to turn to the right at the bridge of the song.”

Kevin Wright of Louisville, Kentucky, you do a GREAT job of taking care of the customer at the Pizza Hut in St. Matthews, Kentucky. Your enthusiasm for your job is contagious and the Cookie Pizza that was made the other day was DELICIOUS. You hve over come a lot and it shows in the pizza you make. Giving up is not in your vocabulary. Gang, if you go to Kevin at The Hut, give him some love and respect, he’s earned plenty of both.

With “Fun, Fun, Fun” by The Beach Boys in the background

“Great balls o’ fire, we’re havin’ a great time down here at The Bucket!!!!!!!! Wish you were here.

Hi, this is Mr. Absentee Landowner, here to stop bad publicity in its tracks. Like bad plotlines, they put a damper on your business. Nobody buys Bucket Banana Splits when there’s no girls basketball as was the case this year. Had to send 2 tons of Chiquita to the Milford Recycling Center. Believe me, we’ve had more Bucket Slurpees dumped on our image and it’s time to answer the charges that Milford Beverage Warehouse has been leveling at us.

The Warehouse claims our last Zoning Commission meeting was cancelled because our case was hopeless. Allow me to set the record straight. One of the members of the Zoning Commission lost a grandmother when she put the car in reverse and got the surprise of her life. He had to attend the funeral. Out of respect, we sent a bouquet of daffodils that we ordered from Milford Floral to express our condolences. The meeting has been rescheduled a week from this coming Tuesday.  And our lawyers will be there, not down at The Warehouse buying Lance’s Sour Cream Crackers. Land o’ Goshen, the shit The Warehouse piles on.

And The Warehouse will have you believe that  our lawyer, Nick Vinicello, got concrete shoes fitted on from Payless Shoe Stores and dumped into Milford Reservoir, due to a rival family perturbed at his representing the Gambinos. But even as I speak, he is ordering Bucket Popcorn Shrimp and Caesar’s Salad, complete with 2 packets of Bucket Italian Dressing. The Bucket even let him wear his bullet-proof vest. He is confident we will get our license even if the whole damn Zoning Commission loses members of their families, explicable or inexplicable. Sometimes you can’t help it if a Milford businessman was a cousin of Jimmy Hoffa. I’ll bet an order of Bucket Rattlesnake Fries someone at The Warehouse was kin to Al Capone.

Now the good news. We are offering something unique. Right now through April, The Bucket is offering Children’s Drinks as a way of expressing our thanks for sticking with us while fighting The Dark Side. Darth Vader can fight this all he wants, but if The Force wants The Bucket to serve Buds and PBR right next to Bucket Grilled Chicken and Scallops Combo, The Empire can bomb The Bucket all it wants but Han Solo returned in the movie and will return to file an appeal should our initial efforts to serve The Good Life next to a Bucket Oreo Blizzard fall through The Galaxy.

And the kids are gonna love Creme de Menthe sprayed into their favorite drinks, from Coca-Cola to Choc-Ola to Hawaiian Punch. My personal favorite, Grape Kool-aid, has more zing with Peach Creme de Menthe squirted in the cup.

And don’t worry, we’ve arranged with the Milford Police not to make kids take a Breathylyzer test nor walk 10 feet in a straight line. As long as they’re not behind the wheel and they’re secure in the child’s seat, the Milford Police will call it even. You wouldn’t let your kids drive your Chevy Malibu when they’re sober. Why take a chance after a couple of brewskies? Buckle ’em up and forget it. Just wipe their mouths should they spit up all over the stereo speakers.

At The Bucket, we gotcha covered. We can cut into The Warehouse share of the market while still continuing to fatten Archie and Jughead on Bucket Burgers. Pop’s Choklit Shoppe will remain an institution even if they pull Moose over for a DUI. We can overcome the technical stuff. Come see how today.

We will always serve Milford no matter what affadavits The Waehouse tries to file.”

Gang, comment away. Thank you for your patience. May God truly bless you.

BABY, BABY, WHERE DID OUR LOVE GO

“Girl, it’s goin’ straight down your throat if you flash your butt in my corneas one more time.”

April 3, 2019

We Never Did See That Scrimmage

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“I was at a Comic Con last weekend – and I have this Wasp bobblehead to prove it!”

“I don’t think anybody asked – or cared – where you were, Nancy.”

Pretty tricky of Nancy to hold that bobblehead steady as the floor and the lockers slide away from beneath her feet.

Speaking of writing blogs… Tiny credit where credit is due, or acknowledgement that Whigrub must see this blog: Whigham is gradually moving away from putting huge earrings on his teenage girls to putting multiple small ones on them. Still has this thing for the ears poking out out of the hair elf style, though.

Alright then. All this hoohah about the scrimmage and who didn’t show up for it and why has been going on for two weeks now.  When does it advance the plot?

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