This Week in Milford

November 2, 2018

How about the Peace Train?

Filed under: football, freak hands, Gil Thorp, lessons learned, Milford Idiots — robmize2013 @ 7:43 pm

Wow its Monday already! Finally we have time moving. Just in time for time to move backward– dont forget to change your clocks this Saturday night–  1 hour back, except if you live in Arizona or parts of Indiana, then ignore this announcement.  Its so Milford to go forward when everyone else is going backward, but I digress…

The subway?? The bullet train?? Where does that one go– only to Goshen and back? My first car was silver and my uncle said – ‘what do you call it, the Silver Bullet? ‘Not bad, but I chose the Rob Royce.

And how does your car conveniently die right near these 2 options anyway? And biking would require having your bike in your car. You hear me Gil?? A unicycle is used mostly at the circus, and requires a bit of training and balance. And storage in ones car..

 

 

 

 

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November 1, 2018

Hey, Hey, Glad Gil Only Wants To Get You Fried On Monday, Tiki

Filed under: actual action, exposition comics, Gil Thorp, Goshen, Pissy faced Gil — tdrewhardin @ 4:14 pm

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Uh oh. Tiki’s gonna get a paddling on Monday. You saw it coming. How many times were we going to see Tiki racing with his pants on fire to practices, classes, games, poker tournaments, sand volleyball matches at Milford Lounge, pro wrestling matches between Jerry Lawler and Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart at the Milford Colosseum, union rallies, Bar-B-Q luncheons at the Milford Civitan Club at the Milford IGA meeting room before Gil was FINALLY going to put his foot down and TAKE CHARGE!!!!!!! Only logical, it’s November, about when the plot is mired in the swamp and just BEGGING for somebody to perform a Molly Hatchet and get them cannons jumped and fired up again. The difference was, Molly got it going in the heat of the battle which is why she deserves a place in history while Gil used the jumper cables on the cannons after the British won and left for Ticonderoga. Gil, you’re not going to win too many battles or games if you cross the Delaware after the Redcoats have recrossed The Pond and gone back home.

And what REALLY is going to be the punishment? Take out all the waste cans in each classroom and give Steve Luhm a free vacation? Use an Oral B toothbrush to clean the toilet in Gil’s personal bathroom in his office? Be the timer for all 5 games for Mimi’s team? When Mr. C grounded Richie because the latter spent too much time admiring The Fonz’s Harley instead of going to school, the punishment fit the crime. But with Coach T., I’m getting a sick gut feeling we’re going to see Pandora’s Box, punishments ranging from the switch to the Salem Witch Trial method, being put on the rack and stretched and/or locked down in the stocks in the middle of the school cafeteria or even a mystery punishment (“Hang from the flagpole in front of WDIG studios”). But Gil is taking charge. Finally.

 

 

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to get you bored

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Love to slash you with a sword

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

There will be no consummation

There will be no fast conclusion

To this farce

 

They keep on dragging it down

in the mud

They ramble on and on

What a flood

 

For those of you still not convinced that  bad hearing causes Alzheimer’s Disease

At the Valley Conference showdown where the Milford Mudlarks and the Goshen Palookas are battling to get out of last place

“Gil, is your hearing slipping? I wanted to sub Tiki and you sent in Telly Savales. He’s an ACTOR, Gil. He’s NOT on the roster!!!!!!!!!”

“You watch Kojak?”

“And why’d you go for it on 4th-and 26 on our own 10-yard-line? The Palookas scored with ease like we were standing still!!!!!!!!”

“So you thought he sucked on too many lollipops too, huh? How many did he have in his desk?”

“And that was a HORRIBLE call by the official. Our lineman didn’t even touch him on that holding call!!!!!!!!!!! And you’re gonna treat him to a Livercheese Burger at The Bucket after the game?”

“Better than lollipops.”

“Gil, can you even make sense of what I’m saying???? You ran an end around sweep when I called for a roll-out right which would have kept the defense honest and they would stack their defense up so tight. You also had 10 guys out on the field.”

“So you think we ought to call  an audible?”

 

Shout-out to Patricia Gardner of Louisville, Kentucky. She has been through SEVERAL trials and has lived to tell about each one. A liver transplant and in the process of getting a kidney transplant tells me she wants to be a part of the scenery. Good for you, Patricia. She has done all this and raised beautiful children to boot. Today, she was weak after tests and dialysis were run on her, yet she refused to let it beat her. You were great to talk to and VERY interesting. She is also a writer and writes about life, a talent not everybody can do. Continue to make your mark in the world, Patricia. We still need you.

 

Playing DOWN to its record?????? Last time I checked, that’s pretty daggone awful. Who did they play when they WON???????? The Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union?????? Wow, on a rainy Friday night

The WCTU coach in their locker room in a pre-game speech

“Let’s win one for the Gipper because he voted against Demon Rum!!!!!!!!!!!”

After the 110-0 shellacking by the Goshen Palookas, complete with 37 broken bones, 87 contusions,  210 concussions, 3,468 teeth knocked out, and 15 players sent to Milford General Hospital, 5 in the ICU, the WCTU coach in the post-game speech

“Alcohol still sucks!!!!!!!!!!”

And if the only time we see a football is when it’s bouncing around in a pinball machine for the hapless schmuck to pick up, it just confirms the inertia the plot has been broadcasting for the last 3 months. No potential energy here if you physics students are still awake. The epitome of this malaise has GOT TO BE in P2 where, wellllll, you could say there’s football going on, but, A) We don’t see the field soooooooo B) For all we know, they could be in the middle of the National Anthem while the UFO is coming on the field for a landing. Probably the Kanamits back to pick up a section of the crowd to take back to their planet. Either way, if it IS the National Anthem we’re encountering, TAKE OFF YOUR DAMN HELMETS. They haven’t been utilized anyway, why put ’em on NOW??????

 

 

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to get us flayed

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Are underworked and overpaid

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

There will be no stimulation

There will be no simulation

Of any sense

 

The logic goes out of bounds

on 4th down

The flag is thrown to the ground

No touchdown

 

Shout-out to Barbara Tinsley of Louisville, Kentucky for contributions as a bus driver for TARC (Transit Authority of River City) . Barbara, you kept Louisville running for many years and was on excellent relations with your customers and got them on time. They simply didn’t pay you enough. I’m all for you getting a boost in that direction because you worked your fingers to the bone getting people to their jobs or to their doctor’s appointments. Now get some rest, Barbara. You’ve earned it.

 

 

“And we’ll be right back after this. Gil is REALLY losing his mind this time. Looks like he could use a hearing aid from one of  our sponsors, Milford Hearing’s All We Do. Might I suggest a kettledrum size for his fat head. All right, that out of the way, at Milford Hearing’s All We Do, you can get control of your life again with a hearing aid designed to fit your needs and budget. Give ’em a call today at 1-800-GOOD-EAR. All major insurance accepted. Now a word from another one of sponsors, Milford Bitchin’ Bath, with the score, the Palookas, 41, Mudlarks, 7. This is Marty Moon on WDIG, a division of Lear Field Sports.

“Gil, don’t you think the bath tub’s a little crowded? Me and Great-Grandma Thorp and the kids are using up all the Mr. Bubble. It’s hard to wash behind the kids’ ears when Great-Grandma Thorp is trying to give herself an enema.”

“Yup, I had a major problem. The kids couldn’t use Johnson’s No More Tears because Great-Grandma Thorp globbed it all over the dog. Boy, talk about a cow lick. Well, the dog may have had a nice coat on him but the kids hair looked like Ozzy Osbourne singing ‘Paranoid’ at the Milford Pavilion. I was getting desperate. Shoot, you should have seen the problem pile up when Fred and Wilma and Pebbles and Bam Bam got in the tub. Don’t get me wrong, I like Mimi’s breasts in bed but I really didn’t feel like climbing Mt. Everest then negotiating Betty Rubble’s same topography soon after that. And Dino and Barney? Dino wasn’t about to share his rubber ducky with him.  Then Coach Andrews suggested a walk-in tub. His football team uses it when they need to practice thinking as a team. Sure, speaking as a coach, you want a mind-set in the same direction but you want a bath tub headed in that direction too.

At Milford Bitchin’ Bath, they helped me choose the right design and let me tell you, it’s nice being able to open the door to the tub and not feel as if the Titanic is sinking. I can walk in with just a towel and Mrs. Andrews and Mimi can file their nails, gossip and splishy-splash with each other, while Fred and Barney in their Fruit of the Looms  and Wilma and Betty in their Fred’s from Hollywood bikinis can hold a seance at the other end and still get clean.  And the kids can play water polo in the middle. Shazam!!!!!! Bam Bam can bang on the tub or Dino’s head and the walk-in tub with its durable vinyl will hold serve like my golf boys did in August, even with my bad coaching. And all we had to do was take out half the garage. Heck, we were just leaving grass clippings, bags of leaves from the fall, and doggie doo piles in the dust pan, anyway. And we sold our riding mower, it was 15 years old anyway. And you oughta see Great-Grandma Thorp get in without a hitch. If she’d stop annoying us with singing “It’s Your Thing”, Isley Brothers she’s not, but, oh well, you can’t have everything. But we have solved the main problem. You can too. Come to Milford Bitchin’ Bath and if you tell ’em Gil sent ya, they’ll send the Resident Plumber to perform a free toilet inspection to do prevent maintenance on those nasty clogs. No sense in having doo-doo run out your toilet unexpectedly while your tub is overpopulated at the same time. Now you have a friend in the bathroom business.”

 

Interlude, Marty really going to town on his ukulele through all those strange bubbles in the Guided by Voices video, even jumping with the lead singer, Robert Pollard, to look more ultimate cool

 

Enough of Tiki and Joe Bikel

And his video library

 

Play football on an open date

The panels reap sedentary

 

Soap operas are nice when on TV

But not in a sports comic strip

That’s lost its way

Back home

Where Gil flunked out

His ID

Confined

To his gym trunks

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Only want to make you fly

 

Hey, Hey, Glad Guys

Wish we could wave ’em goodbye

 

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

And they’re all wet

 

SSSPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLAAAAASSSHHHHHHHH

 

“Gil, Tiki did a cannonball in the walk-in tub so the toilet’s stopped up.”

 

Comment away, gang. I still think Gil will make Tiki sing “God Bless America” with Kate Smith on top of a table at The Bucket. Better reinforce the table given Kate’s girth. We need Tiki to further stagnate this plot.

 

 

Gang, I would like to remember those slain at the synagogue in Pittsburgh. It is sad that hate is still among us and that there are still reminders that we have some cruel unthinking people in the world. Being a Christian, I’m like Voltaire, “I may not agree with what you have to say but will defend your right to say it.” When someone viciously takes matters in his/her own hands, it sets back the clock on tolerance. Matthew 13 talks about spreading Good Seed. I may not be able to save the world but, through my example, I can do an act of kindness, strongly believing another person will see it and pass it on, some OTHER person will see THAT act of kindness and pass it on, etc. The beauty of this concept is, you don’t have to believe in my Faith (but obviously hope that you would, Jesus has been good to me) to do this and it makes the place a better world. Don’t overcome hate with hate, gang. Let the culprit be brought to justice through the legal system and thereby receiving his proper reward so that we don’t become like the haters. In the meantime, pray in your own way for the victims and their families.

October 31, 2018

It’s Not Just The Win That’s Moot

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Marty had a point

Season is already lost

So bench best player

 

Even if he starts

An impromptu striptease in

Front of the coaches

 

Gil’s a defeatist

Many teams make the postseason

With losing records

 

So can we assume

There are less than two games left?

Please let it be so

 

Making kids examples

To show that Gil has standards

It’s the Milford way

 

Until he finds out

Tiki has legit reasons

Then he must save face

 

He’ll give Marty

Some lame-assed excuse about

Special teams lapses

 

If he’d spent more time

On the offense, they would face

Fewer fourth downs

 

What happened to Joe

And Kaz’s fancy software?

Bolek could have helped

 

Or was he busy

Hanging the uniforms so

Neatly in lockers?

 

 

 

October 30, 2018

Thanks, Marty, I Can Start My Own Matchbox Collection Again.

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As fellow TWIMer Vaganova noted about a couple of items that qualified for Pantheon of Mysterious Objects (and, boy, THEY QUALIFIED) , I am weighing in with my own contribution, namely from P1 that’ll get any kid filled with glee. That  Matchbox sedan with custom chrome wheels and vinyl bucket seats and a steering wheel (and a microcosmic  daredevil Evel Knievel in the driver’s seat) could pass for a microphone in any country. I bet Maxwell Smart has a couple in his pocket when battling KAOS.

 

All righty then, so NOW we know that the mystery interviewer yesterday wasn’t Donna Reed’s husband. I know he had a bit of a sardonic twinge to him but nothing like Moon Man himself. And it’s good to have him back needling Coach Thorp about his (loosely speaking)  game strategy, among other things. For 60 years, death, taxes, mutant poplar trees in the background, and Marty’s rapier wit were part of the inductive reasoning process, sure, like the sun rising in the west after 1,000,000 times of doing the opposite, you might see something different (maybe mutant elms) but then again, Nancy and Sluggo might be put up for adoption.

 

And it’s PRETTY DARN SAD when Marty’s caustic side show is now the main attraction. Folks, when I go to the circus, I watch the elephants, not the flunkies shoveling their droppings after they got the audience clapping with approval when . Dumbo sat on his hind legs, begging for a Milk Bone (“Sit, Dumbo, Sit”) . You old-timers remember The Family Circus when they would show their one panel in the Sunday paper but on the side, evidently Bil Keane, the artist (God Bless You, My Man, kept us kids entertained for eons, Jeffy, (Bil’s son, now the artist), keep the tradition alive) , allowed his kids to create some cartoons to the side of the panel and they were entertaining because the little panels made a pun which was published below the little vignette? I always got a kick out them but carrying this to a faltering plotline is infusing a dead horse with unnecessary nutriments. Shoot Mr. Ed, Marty and Gil. Thrust and Parry for this travesty is like watching Jerry Lawler and the Moon Dogs battle it out at the Memphis Coliseum for what’s inside the Trix box.

 

Mimi reading the Sunday Comix in The Milford Enquirer

“Marty Moon and Gil”

Above the caption, a kid named Marty is displaying his butt to all the piranhas in the family aquarium

“Mommy, what happened to The Family Circus? It’s all smudgy and yucky.”

 

 

While I was reading “Parade” in the Milford Sunday Enquirer, I ran across an ad for hearing aids which claimed that loss of hearing leads to Alzheimer’s Disease.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

Okay, I’ve solved one problem (beat the Hardy Boys at their own game-YESSSSSSSSS!!!!) . Gil’s inept coaching can be solved by upgrading his Beltone. And Mimi will know what to stuff in the stocking at Christmas.

“Boy, what a holiday, Mimi. Apples, candy canes, peppermints, sugar plums, Reese’s 6-Pak Mimi’s, Oreos, Fritos Chili Chips, slice of fruit cake and hearing aids. ’tis the Season.

Now onward to solve another problem and FINALLY capture the Holy Grail.

“Mimi, do you think the kids wrapped my hearing aid in those ties with the Mudlark logo on them?”

“I don’t know”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oops, I was watching the Monty Python Marathon. Hope they can yank Mimi out of the fireplace. Anyhoo

Great Grandma Maltilda Eleazar Naomi Thorp comes to visit Gil & family.

“Gil, she is an interesting person. And she’s holding up well for 137-years old.”

“Yup, she and Ms. Rizk and Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies were all on the cheerleading squad at the same high school and were in the same graduating class.”

“But I’m a little worried. She got pulled over for a DUI last week in her 1897 Camaro. She also almost drank out of the Glidden Vanilla White paint can, thinking it was milk. Then she backed into the verandah and that’s going to take a month to repair.”

“I understand. We’ll just have to have our meaningless tete-a-tetes at the Milford Lounge until I can get an estimate from Milford Deck & Patio Furnishments. We can put up with the sand volleyball tournaments until then. The Thanksgiving Macy’s Day Parade Double-Elimination Extravaganza will evaporate before you know it and we can talk about your basketball team without a hitch. We can manage a discussion about your 5-game schedule above the juke box, no problem.”

“But how do we solve a problem like Great-Grandma Thorp?”

 

“Good question. I had no answer. Kinda how my coaching’s gone for 60 years. But this was serious.

Sure, I paid the bail. No fun sharing a cell with O.J. or Charles Manson or Sweeney Todd. And that’s I took it as an omen to take charge of her hearing..

At Milford Hearing’s All We Do, they have a wide selection of hearing aids designed to deal with an assortment of problems, from tone-deaf so that you don’t get swept in a nuclear fallout while your hearing aid is in your purse to the ones who just need a boost in their audio functions.

Now, my great-grandmother is living life to the fullest, thanks to the good people at Milford Hearing’s All We Do. We didn’t have to reconsolidate our debt and Granny called the other Granny to have lunch at Granny’s Beverly Hillbilly mansion with Jed and Elly May (Jethro had National Guard duty) . They were planning on reminiscing about their high school days and Granny was even going to share with Granny the photo of them posing with President McKinley before a high school basketball game  when they were cheerleaders. Her hearing sounds fine to me. Priceless.”

 

WHO SHOT COACH SHAW?

At the local precinct, next to the Milford Grand Canyon

“We can rule out Mildred Thorp, Gil’s great-grandmother. Several eyewitnesses saw her at the William Jennings Bryan convention.”

“Who’s he?”

“No idea. As long as he ain’t in Hilary’s Commie party, I’m good.”

“Yeah? Well, Trump  stuck his foot in his mouth again, called us the Mudlacks and Gil is upset. And I still say he’s guttin’ our health insurance…”

 

At The Bucket on a Saturday night after a Milford High School victory in ANY sport

Great-Grandma Thorp is on the soda fountain counter, doing The Charleston to James Brown’s “Get Up, I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine.”

Poetry in motion

The O’Jays “For The Love of Money” is on the jukebox

“Geez, how she can do the Fox Trot on the grill while the cook is flippin’ Bucket Burgers is a minor miracle.”

“Agreed. Her hearing aid is as big as a tuba but she’s rockin’ the night away. Can’t wait till they play ‘I Wonder Why He’s The Greatest Dancer’. I heard she boogies better than Donna Summer.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Reba McIntire Engaged At 63 To O.J.!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Negotiating team making progress on monitoring O.J. while out of jail on their honeymoon.”

 

 

PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY

PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIGHT

 

“Grandma, I gotta sit down. I only slept 4 hours cuz I was searching all night for a punter.”

“HORSE FEATHERS!!!!!!!!! You whippersnapper, if I can whip this French horn in my head and do the splits at the same time without ripping my Depends, then you still got some air in the tank!!!!!! Now trip the light fantastic!!!!!!!!!”

 

 

It’s nice to see Gil went to Floyd the Barber to get a haircut. I didn’t know Floyd was adept at usin’ the scissors to shape a Max Headroom mien. But Floyd, I think you’re stretching things if you try this same shearing method on Barney Fife or Otis the Drunk. You gonna go to his cell while O.J. is sleeping and make an attempt? Good luck.

“Oh, Barney, don’t get discouraged. It takes a while for Thelma Lou to get used to radical ideas. I think your hair looks fine. It still within the Mayberry City Code.”

 

Shout out to Lisa Kik, of Prospect, Kentucky, for her 1st Place championship in Special Olympics Bowling. I would also like to remember her father, her grandfather, and grandmother who encouraged her mightily along the way to achievements like this. That’s what it’s all about. It takes a team to win and no better example than right here. Lisa, keep plugging away as you represent America and what it can accomplish if you keep trying. Congratulations, Lisa.

 

In the center of the floor at The Bucket, a Donald Duck voice is eminent

“…Aw, get down, Mama, ya got some moooovvveesss…”

DISCO

DISCO DUCK!!!!

DISCO

DISCO DUCK!!!!

“Gil, I’m amazed at your great-grandma’s imitations. Loved her take on Ronald Reagan.

Somebody yelling “Giddy-up, Grandma, Giddy-up!!!!!!!!!!!” and “Way to jack that hearing aid to turbocharge, Granny!!!!!!!!!!” awakens Gil.

“Huh, what? Oh yeah, Reagan was a great president.”

“Oh, Gil, phooey. You missed the part where they had to send her to the Time-Out Table. She was displaying her Depends while they were playing ‘You Show Me Yours (And I’ll Show You Mine)’ The place was en fuego.”

Thanks to Cheryl Hogan of Louisville, Kentucky for her contribution to the last scenario. Keep livin’, Cheryl. We need you.

 

And just when we were getting settled into a plot of SOME kind, P3 is potentially veering off in ANOTHER DIRECTION. Thorpiverse, there are only 4 points on the compass. We’re not utilizing the 3-dimension Vulcan plan and hoping we land on Deneb somewhere to establish diplomatic relations with its people. Can we leave Dr. Spock out of Milford, for cryin’ out loud? Enough directions in this plot already.

Sure, Coach Stuard (RIP, Coach, you were a HUGE influence on my playing and coaching) used to teach me “Never let ’em see you sweat”, something Gil is saying in P2 and with good reason. And it appears as if we are rapidly approaching normalcy. P3, with Mr. T and his teammmates in a quandary over whether Tiki is on Mars, on a milk carton, or in the bathroom puking out the stress, sends normalcy back on the USS Enterprise for Dr. McCoy to examine. This might be a trekkie mini-series at the rate we’re going.

 

While Great-Grandmother Thorp is performing live with Dino and Frankie, pursuing the Oldies-but-Goldies route, with Killers (trust me) lie “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime”, “New York, New York”, “In The Wee Small Hours”, “Tuxedo Junction”, “Strangers in the Night”, etc. at The Sands in Milford, Coach Thorp is encountering a bit of a problem.

“$&%@+*/=<>, this machine doesn’t want to spit out anything!!!!!!!!!”

“Gil, you can’t win ’em all.The slot machines will pay off in the long run.”

“Mimi, I’m trying to get M & M’s out of this @%$&*(+=#$% gumball machine!!!!!!!!! That’s the 8th quarter!!!!!!!! Got any more in your purse???????”

 

Gang, it’s all yours. I’m going with the A-Team to look for Tiki. Did anybody check that high school building at the beginning of Funky Winkerbean?

 

“Couple #3, Coach Shaw and Mrs. Coach Shaw, what animal will your wife say best imitates your sexual desire? Is it A) Gorilla B) Donkey C) Raccoon or D) Whale. Coach?

“Most definitely, a gorilla. I go to bed like Tarzan and I am KING OF THE JUNGLE!!!!!!!!! All the other animals in the jungle and in the bedroom are afraid of me!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Well, Tarzan, I hate to break it to you but she answered ‘Whale'”

“Honey, you have a big body, you splash around a lot under the covers, and you smash all the fishies and all my hot flashes with a big SPLAT!!!!!!!!!!! But you never get to the bottom of the ocean!!!!!!!”

“No way you can get to the buried treasure if you don’t dive, Coach Shaw.”

Audience roars with laughter at Eubanks’ last gem. On cue, naturally.

THANK YOU to Matthew Maloney, of Fern Creek, Kentucky, for help with the last comedy idea. Keep chuggin’ at Kroger, Big Guy. You’re not only funny, you keep America working. And strong.

 

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mildred Thorp Welcomed Into Rat Pack!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Peter Lawford out after fallout with Frankie.”

October 29, 2018

Andre Ruffin Vaporized By UFO (If Only)

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Milford won its first road game of the season! Mike Filion had a big night! Punting (or long snapping) didn’t appear to be an issue, so I guess that plot point is behind us.

Some knuckleheaded Mudlark threw his helmet in the air in celebration of the victory. Were there any resulting concussions? Did we have a story about concussions once? Nobody remembers. Probably because we’ve been collectively beaten over the head so many times by these plots.

We’re stalled on the snooping behavior of Andre and Joe, so let’s trot out an old standard: Marty Moon asks a dickish, leading question of Gil. Ouch! What did I tell you about hitting us over the head, Gil Thorp?! Tune in tomorrow for Gil’s snarktastic retort.

Interestingly (no, no really) Marty doesn’t get an opportunity to interview Gil immediately after the much ballyhooed victory, but rather has to catch Gil at a subsequent practice during a stretching session. Wait, is that Marty? I’m just assuming because of the dumb question. Yeah, it’s gotta be Marty. Nobody else besides Marjie cares. Nobody.

To shake off the boredom, let’s get into the wayback machine for a video. This had some HEAVY rotation in the early days of MTV:

Wow, I haven’t listened to that for ages and I have to say, that song’s kinda weak. I guess it’s mostly because it seems to drag on for about a minute and a half more than it needs to.

October 27, 2018

Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Kelly and Her Monkey

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People have spoken

The constraint will be applied

Through football season

 

I was hoping for

More about one of the best

Anti-war films ever made

 

Like whether Gil

Would kill every tenth Mudlark

To improve morale

 

Maybe Joe Bolek

Will desert the football team

Become private dick

 

Or realize

That his teammate’s personal

Life’s not his business

 

But no! Quick cut to

Coach Kaz’s private dojo

Where he flips burgers

 

Self-deprecation

Of his cineastic skill

Does not become him

 

Kaz could just fake it

IMDB is your friend

Brush up on Kubrick

 

What Kelly Krystek

Does with Kaz’s organ is

Not for family strip

 

Well there you have it

The first of several haiku

In the near future

 

I must admit

Downpuppy’s sonnet option

Piques my interest

 

 

 

October 26, 2018

Where the hell is Pants in Geography??

Out on the Paths …

Of Glory….

While I’m hangin in geography with you…

Madagas?? Pants?? What the fuck is Kaz teaching in this class? And why does  he write Geography WAY bigger then ‘Test’?

All that exhaust smoke must be affecting his pupils brains, cuz theres no freakin words on that blackboard that make any sense.

And what high school kid gives a flying fuck about World War I?

And back to Panel 1– Yes, you guys are WEIRD. Glad you noticed.

As a matter of fact, everything in this strip is weird. The kids, the teachers, the punter, the safety, the announcer, the game schedule, the janitor, the field, the walls, the windows,…..weird, weird, weird!

All I know is, my pants are south of my shirt.

Haiku or comment away gang! This train is falling off the tracks so fast it might take the Madagas with it.

 

 

October 25, 2018

It’s Tiki Season

Filed under: ?, general nonsense, Milford Weirdos, Prairie Style Windows — tdrewhardin @ 4:17 pm

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Gang, remember when Elmer Fudd would be slinking along in his hunting boots et al and be deep in the pits of Mother Nature, proudly proclaiming that it’s “Wabbit Season HAHAHAHAHAHA”? That’s why it wasn’t registering when The Hardy Boys were doing ANYTHING but football. Putting the season on another sabbatical until Halloween will fry your brain big-time.

So now we come to the point where they are taking Yogi’s cue, i.e., if ya see a fork in the road, take it. Assuming that Tiki is not going to ruin his Bridgestones on the curb ahead of him, that fork should lead to some interesting ramifications, not that we’ll learn any football along the way. No, If he turns to the right, as he alleged, we won’t run into Joe Namath’s Quarterback Skills Camp, held at the Milford Elementary playground (“If you’ll get offa that jungle gym, I’LL teach you how to scramble”) , and if he turns to the left as he’s DOING unless he’s doing a doughnut and causing further distractions to this Pandora’s Box, we probably won’t see Coach Belichek giving a lecture on spearing at the Milford Community College Lecture Hall (“I used to aim for the glutes”) .

SO WHERE IS HE GOING??????

Before we unseal the envelope and get to the bottom of his whereabouts and pray he doesn’t get swept up in the Kanamits’ next flight at Milford Int’l, I’m imagining ridiculous scenarios where Hardy Boy #1 finds a pair of Tiki’s Fruit of the Looms that a buzzard was pecking at in the middle of the road, then more along the way that leads onto a trail that leads onto that trail…

“Hardy Boy #1, this tree house is where he lives!!!!!! Wow, you can see the back of Kohl’s!!!!!! So that’s where Milford Sanitation dumps its wares. Peeeewwwwweeee, you couldn’t track down a dinosaur, it stinks so bad back here. And his Fruit of the Looms all have brown stains on them and I KNOW those aren’t deer droppings on the ground. That one pair we found on that willow tree branch was an EPA hazard.”

“True, Hardy Boy # 2 but are you SURE that’s where he lives?”

“Yes. There were posters of Lady Gaga, Bo Derek, Raquel Welch, Paris Hilton, and Jennifer Lopez on one wall and his favorite NFL teams on the other, plus a family portrait on his desk next to his bed. He was the one with the peach fuzz. His dad was picking his butt just as the camera snapped. Apparently, Milford Photo doesn’t do retakes.”

“I’m still not convinced, Hardy Boy #2.”

“There was also a letter on his desk where was writing to his grandmother at Milford Senior Living Center where he was complaining that Coach Thorp needs to quit sipping martinis at the International Coaches Clinic held at the Milford Expo Center and he’d seen better coaches at Greyhound.”

“That’s Tiki.”

 

Shout-out to Anna Lenk at First Transit in Louisville, Kentucky. She comes in every day with a purpose and works her tail off to make sure the bus routes are in excellent order and they ALWAYS are. You make my job easier, My Friend. She is also VERY knowledgeable about the way things work around the place. It’s good to know where to go if you need info, especially when schedules are tight. You come through EVERY time to get passengers on time. You have my admiration and respect. You make America go.

 

Another theory

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Tiki’s Whereabouts Revealed In Tract #23 In The Milford Fish & Wildlife Area By Local Hunter!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Shaw: I figured that wasn’t my deer blind. Mine don’t have security cameras and there was a Sonitrol sign nailed to a sycamore tree under his domicile on one of the branches.”

 

Still another theory

 

8:43 PM It was chilly in Milford but the skies were clear. The same couldn’t be said for this plot. Anyway, you could see every star in the sky.The WMFD weather forecaster called for rain later.

My partner, Bill Gannon and I, were working the Social Services Division of the Missing Persons Bureau, specializing in Missing Details of Personal Inventory, SWAT Unit. The boss is Captain Pearl.

We had been staking out the living quarters of Tiki Jensen at his apartment or so it was reported.  We hid behind The Good Humor Man’s Twirlmobile so no one would notice. Dispatch wasn’t certain, having been informed that they were actually living in the restrooms at Milford Park, Dad and son in the men’s room, Mom and sister in the women’s room, the Skid Row slugs in the unisex room, etc. They were 24-hour jobs. Bill blew a wad there occasionally, careful to never utilize the unisex room, having caught some tourists from Thailand changing their Baby’s diaper. He let it all hang out in Stall #2 of the men’s room, his favorite hangout, especially after he had plunged into the buffet table at Fong’s Chung King Cafe ‘n’ Coffee, a little hole in the wall, situated next to Milford Clay Oven. Bill would catch up on the haps in the Milford Enquirer while sitting on his throne.

Captain Pearl had advised us to exercise caution as pistol shots were heard from time to time. Some people were disgusted that there was no Charmin to soften their asses, evidently. At any rate, Bill and I were ready with our Sig Sauers, ready for action. Not all loud noises were obnoxious farts from excessive Van Camp’s Pork ‘n’ Beans.

“Whattya think, Joe?”

“Ahhhhh, too risky. Tiki’s dad could go postal if there’s not enough Wet Ones in the paper towel dispenser.”

“Doesn’t Tiki have homework?”

“Negative. Headquarters confirmed his book report on “Napoleon at Waterloo” and his math assignments were all turned in. We’ll never nail him on truancy.”

“What about his sister?”

“Gotta keep an eye on her. She went up the river on armed robbery a few years ago. Word around the neighborhood is that she’s desperate and might be tempted to hold up the Milford 7-11.”

“That hungry, huh?”

“Appears so. Father was denied welfare because he was earning too much income at Milford Foundry. Don’t see how, all he does is lug junk steel into the chutes. But I don’t make the rules.”

“Guy’s in the lowdown, for sure.”

“Looks that way.”

From behind that locked door next to the boulder, the Hardy Boys arrive on the scene. They spot Friday’s Ford Gran Torino squad cruiser ducked behind the Good Humor Man’s Twirlmobile. The Good Humor Man has called it a night, sleeping in Stall #3, Stall #2 padlocked, reserved for Gannon and Friday, should nature call while on a high speed chase.

“Joe!!!!!! Bill!!!!!! We got something!!!!!!!”

“How many times do I gotta warn you? It’s Mr. Friday and Mr. Gannon!!!!!!!!! I won’t tell you again!!!!!!!! I’ll nail your hind ends on a Section 458, ‘Insubordination and Impedimentation to a Police Officer while in the Line of Duty’!!!!!!!!! And tuck in that shirt!!!!!!!!!!! And use Head & Shoulders on that mohawk!!!!!!!!!”

“But Mr. Friday and Mr. Gannon, we found Tiki’s jersey. It was in the cesspool by the Milford KFC where they dump their chicken bones and unused cole slaw. He was washing his uniform there. YUK!!!!!! It’s got mashed potato stains all over it.”

“That doesn’t prove anything, you losers. I could have been on the team the way Coach Thorp is recruiting!!!!!!!”

“Sir, Coach has all the waterboys he needs.”

Bill Gannon stifles a snicker.

“Look, you vermin, I could slap the cuffs on you for a Title 89, Section 188 ‘Unauthorized Investigation with Intent to Interfere with Police Proceedings’, but I’m in a good mood. But don’t press your luck. Either give me something to work with or hit the road, Jack, and don’t cum back no mo’.”

Gannon is a bit stupified at Joe’s street language.

“Well, he left a trail, a jock strap with his name stenciled on it, his football pants, his cleats, his shoulder pads, his knee inserts, his mouth guard on the mulberry bush, ooooooeeeee, shoulda seen the mulberry stains-“

“Cut to the cheese and give me some action.”

“We found his house. It’s a cave.”

“I’m in no mood for jokes. I’ll haul you off on a Section 315-“

“No, No, we’re not kidding. It’s really a cave. Part of Milford Spelunker’s Club property. They all reside in a cubby hole and, well, except for no door to keep the Avon Lady or Jehovah’s Witness out, the poverty is not all that bad. They have a wide-screen TV, automatic dishwasher, refrigerator with a tap, in fact, they to wash their clothes in the pool of shit because the washing machine is on the blink. The Maytag Man came by and will have to order parts. But they live like you and-“

“Awright, awright, we’ll do the investigating around here. You punks get to bed. You’re worse than Adam-12. At least they wore a badge. Scramble so you can make tomorrow’s Tackling Concepts practice!!!! You’re out of your league around here. Coach may let you run hog-wild and neglect your football obligations but I’ll run you in on a Section 2519, ‘Impersonating a Comic Strip’. Now Beat it!!!!!!!”

Gannon with one last gasp.

“How did you find us, anyway? We try to camouflage this buggy so that Allen Funt can’t even find us.”

“Simple. We figured the Good Humor Man doesn’t smoke Bel-Airs and your lentil soup breath was reeking pretty bad. We never knew the Good Humor Man to frequent the Milford 24-Hour Diner.”

“All right!!!!!!! That’s enough!!!!!!! Scram!!!!!!!

“Say ‘Hello’ to Elvis and Humphrey on The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.”

“Easy, Joe. They’re not worth it. Stick your derringer back in your holster. Okay, Sons, run along, like the man says.”

 

Another theory

 

Joe and Tiki in Tract #16 of Milford Fish & Wildlife Area, yanking off a picture of each other on the sugar maple tree in front of them

RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Tiki Season!!!!!!!!!”

RRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Bolek Season!!!!!!!!!!

RRRRIIIPPPPPPPPPPPP

“It’s Tiki Season!!!!!!!!!!

RRRRIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP

“It’s Bolek Season!!!!!!!!!!!”

RRRRIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPP

A picture of Gil appears

“Whoopsy daisy, gotta catch the limo or I’ll be late for The Newlywed Game tonight. My wife will kill me if don’t shower and shave.”

Later, after Gil disappears into the bramble.

“Shhhhhhh!!!!!!! Be vewy, vewy quiet. We’re hunting Gilbertos.”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

 

On “The Newlywed Game”, held one night in the banquet hall of the Milford Elks Club

“Couple #1, Gil and Mimi, what image will your wife say comes to mind when she has your whim whim on her mind, A) A gigantic Lincoln Log B) A Beanie-Weenie C) A pool cue stick or D) A railroad tie on the Milford & Oakwood rail?”

“Oh most definitely a railroad tie.”

“Well, Gil, hate to break it to ya, buddy, but she answered…(Mimi holding up card) a Beanie Weenie.”

“Honey, you’re always enjoying my pile drives. What changed your tune?”

“Weelllllll, Gil, Sometimes I fake it just to get through the night and…”

Bob Eubanks, egging it on to boost the ratings and watch the audience howl with laughter at any standoff

“Mimi, do you enjoy it when you’re NOT faking it? Now come on, be honest.”

“Oh, sure. Sometimes Gil buys some anti-Dysfunction medicine at Walgreen’s and his #2 pencil changes into a decent Lincoln Log. After the kids get done making a log cabin out of it.”

The obligatory deluge of mirth rains down on Gil and Mimi, Gil using Mimi’s answer card to hide his face, Bob Eubanks laughs his Seal of Approval and prepares himself for the next couple. Bob Eubanks has done his job.

“Couple # 2, Coach Shaw and…”

 

“That’s right, Bob Eubanks really stuck it to me in the behind, but figuratively, of course. The important thing is that I needed help and the next time we get on the Newlywed game, I’ll be ready. That’s because the treatment programs at Milford Men’s Clinic really  work and aid and abet in the cause of Technical Ecstasy, oops, my bad, gotta quit bringin’ in the Black Sabbath days when I was a hippie for a day, SEXUAL ecstasy. With newfound confidence, we may be on a waiting list for the show, but the rematch and the trip to the Bahamas plus a $1000 gift certificate to Milford Kohl’s that we’ll win will all be worth the effort, in bed and in the studio. Stuffing the cue cards in Bob’s boxers will be sweet. Kinda like beating Tod Andrews after he dumped me. Stop by the Milford Men’s Clinic today and get your slice of the revenge. No better feeling than to know Bob and I have the same hairdo but only I can dish out the paybacks. Revenge is sweet.”

 

Gang, Go to it. I’ll be riding in Joe and Bill’s squad car on the lookout for football since we supposedly have Tiki in our sights. I coached baseball with two policeman when I was in Babe Ruth League Baseball, so they cut me some slack. All I gotta do is roll the windows down so I don’t have to inhale that Bel-Air smoke and I’m in Heaven. They understand.

 

Still another theory (And thanks to Joe Szerletich from Louisville, Kentucky, for help with the idea)

 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Friday, I had all these spray cans of VO5 because I was hungry and thought I could sell them on the black market. I know rules are rules and Gil was missing them from his shed but I was starving. You understand the Greater Good, don’t you?”

“All I understand is that I’m gonna nail you on a Penal Code 43, Section 685, ‘Intent to-What’s that music? And where’s Bill? Something fishy going on.”

Bill Gannon and Allen Funt come out of a black bear’s lair

“Smiiilllleee, you’re on Candid Camerrrrraaaaaaa.”

 

 

“Couple #3, Marty and Peaches, 25 points will give you 60 points and the lead. What is favorite ritual will your wife say you prefer to perform before you make whoopee? Marty?”

“I’d have to say both of us dancing in the raw to ‘Classical Gas’ by Mason Williams on my old 45 player in the basement.”

“Well, Marty, she didn’t see it that way. She answered ‘Scratching up against the hackberry tree next to your retreat house at Mudlark Lake.”

“Peaches, you KNOW I use that to eliminate the mosquitos around the place? How are we going to make whoopee when there’s fleas in my pubic hair?”

“Maybe you should use a flea collar next time.”

The crowd spits out their Mudlar-K-Blueberry Blast Cola on that one.

Bob Eubanks has done his job.

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