This Week in Milford

January 23, 2023

Jami Don’t Vape

Filed under: Jami Thorp — nedryerson @ 6:51 am

Here we have Jami Thorp and maybe one of the Martinez kids in what looks to be a school cafeteria doing a little gaming. I still don’t know what the situation is with the Martinez kids and if they go to school with Jami. Maybe it’s some other kid we don’t know. Jami could have many friends who like to magic blast with him. I suppose Jami and friend take care of their nutritional needs elsewhere so they can game during their lunch period. I don’t recall having enough time during school lunch periods than eat and trade a few insults with other kids, then it was back to being indoctrinated.

Along comes a kid who is going for a Shaggy from Scooby Do look named Nick. Nick identifies Jami and friend as nerds. I guess playing a Silver Sea God card in the school cafeteria is pretty nerdy, but Shaggy Nick with his Rick & Morty t-shirt is giving nerdom a run for its money.

Well, lookah here! Nick seems to be part of the growing vape distribution ring here in the greater Milford area and he’s excited to introduce Jami and pal to the exciting world of illicit teen vaping. C’mon kids, ya gotta vape for the caus. (The cause vaguely being something to do with budget shortfalls for Milford athletics which we needn’t question.) Jami’s no fool. He don’t mix his gaming with vaping because he clearly knows what’s cool.

It wasn’t clear what Jami was playing when he was casting his magic blasts all over the Martinez dining room, but today he has identified what he and his friend are playing as Magic, which I believe is short for Magic: The Gathering.

Magic:The Gathering is something I’ve been aware of for a long time but have never partaken in. My first exposure to Magic: The Gathering was thirty years ago when I was in graduate school. This was the first time I ever had an email address. (To really date this recollection, the email for the university was run on a Pine email server.) There was one guy in my program who also had a part time job as an assistant in our computer lab. This guy was tech savvy (or nerdy, if you will) enough to know how to create a custom signature block on his Pine emails. At the bottom of all his emails was his name, some other data and below that was the phrase: “Will play Magic:The Gathering for food.” That sounded like Greek to me because I had no idea what the heck Magic was. I think I saw this guy with his cards spread out somewhere engaged in some gathering with a fellow nerd but I didn’t ask questions or hang around to figure out what was going on. I saw no evidence of vaping, but I don’t think it had been invented yet.

January 21, 2023

They seem confident, but Toby’s looking a little jaundiced tbh

Second day in a row and third of six this past week on Rod and Tobe selling vapes. That’s practically a complete story arc in the nu-look Thorpiverse. Still some dots to connect, as usual. Where are they getting the vapes? Where is the chocolate going? Is it straight up barter or are there additional steps in between? Are tattoos and legit DVDs doctored to look fake somehow involved?

Coach Ochoa* is playing bag lady for these two and she’s probably better off not knowing where the money came from. Plausible deniability could go a long way for her and Gil when this racket gets busted and Dr. Pearl comes headhunting.

Chief Lind’s officers will have no problem picking these two miscreants out in that blaze orange shitbox that must’ve come off Foxy’s lot. No problem hauling them in either, as long as they stay away from the trunk. What’s in there with the candy bars that has the power to change the color of clothing and skin? J. Frank Parnell’s aliens? Marsellus Wallace’s briefcase? Bitcoin?

*Who is Coach Ochoa coaching, exactly? The only strips we’ve seen in this season had her holding Gil’s balls in a sack or running the Milford boys through a dribbling two balls at once drill. Is there no Milford girls’ team this season? Some confirmation would be nice (hint, hint).

January 20, 2023

Falling further off the tracks

We switch from a non-Milford hoops contest to.. teens hanging out like they do in real life. I dunno, maybe Im selling todays kids short, but I must confess I didnt hang out like this when I was in high school. Most days after school I would get home, either by foot or by car, and after putting my books down in my room, I would head outside to shoot hoops in my driveway for a while, when my friend who lived 2 doors down came over we’d play one on one or shoot free throws, or otherwise I would head downstairs to the basement and play video games. Then maybe some TV shows either back upstairs in my room (I got a black and white TV for my confirmation in 7th grade, still remember watching Bucky Dents home run on it) or on the big TV in the basement after video games. Of course my friend would join me for the video games too, or we’d head over to his house to do similar stuff, or play chess or backgammon on the picnic table. Or Id go bike riding if it was nice out, and depending on the time of year, after dinner if it was still daylight I might do a little chipping in the front yard, using the lamppost in the middle of the lawn as my target, and going around the yard for various shot lengths etc. Or sometimes we’d do a little yardwork before dark or cut the grass if it needed it, although most grass cutting was done on Saturdays, like normal people did. I would generally do my homework after dinner, and quit in time for Monday Night Football or some other program I liked, (another show I really liked was Thats Incredible, which was on before MNF and I would stop my work to watch it, then go back to it if not finished, then catch what I could of the football game)

1 year me and dad joined a nearby gym and we got some weights at home and he would lift with me after he got home from work. I put on about 25 pounds in a year and decided to quit the weightlifting as it also entailed drinking this milkshake with bananas in it. No thanks. I just ate more instead. No more gyms after that year, save for a brief stint practicing for an indoor triathlon using the pool at another local gym.

So that was my after- high- school life. Plenty else to do besides what these characters are doing. I never smoked or did what these kids are doing, sitting on the ground against a building and getting offers to vape. Of course vaping is something new entirely and what I know about it, Im not interested. Sounds just as bad as smoking, although the flavors sound better.

Dont know why in P3 the 2 vape guys are walking away as theyre talking.. if its really free just let Sue have it if her hand is out.

Guess ol Henry has to show off his knowledge of vaping for us. Maybe tomorrow we’ll be back in Scottsdale for another golf lesson.

Finally, RIP David Crosby. I wasnt aware he started with the Byrds, and I believe if he stayed with them they’d be one of the alltime great bands instead of just another 60’s group with a funny name. He was an immense talent who made everyone around him better, and his incredible voice will be missed. Here’s a song performed 29 days after I was born:

…….And another on for good measure- he was so youthful you dont recognize him.

January 19, 2023

Can’t Anybody Do Geometry Problems Around Here?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:45 am

The “What Plot Have You Done For Me Lately” concept continues as we move in from Gil pitching used cars that otherwise would have been chewed up at Milford Scrap Metals, Inc., with Tommy Chong’s grandson trying to look like the character actor from the ‘60’s, Denny Miller, to The Idiot’s Guide To Geometry as aptly executed by The Return Of The Butthead.

Speaking of Denny Miller, he was in a Gilligan’s Island episode where he was playing Tongo, an obvious takeoff to Tarzan. He played the role to the hilt and it really had the castaways fooled, every one of them thinking this man was Tarzan who had lived in a cave on the island somewhere with the rest of his Cro-Magnon buddies. When they are in shock to discover that Tongo is actually an actor trying to build his character for an upcoming film, they are angry but cautiously angry as Tongo is seen as their way off the island. However, Tongo is so embarrassed by his being caught with his true identity and intentions that he escapes with a helicopter he had hidden in a remote part of the island. Not wanting the press to find out about this fiasco, he flies off while the castaways helplessly plead to be rescued.

Now you’re getting the general idea with Thorpiverse. It’s been acting like a gorilla in the gym and we just put up with it because we’re comforted knowing that Luhm will shovel the gorilla droppings later until we see that gorilla about to escape with his life in a helicopter that was situated by the “Milford Fighting Mudlarks Drum & Bugle Corps” trailer off into another meaningless plot. We just go back in the gym.

And why not? We were so geared up for the grudge match between Milford and Valley Tech, only in a different sport, in this case, basketball, that when we observed Luke shouting Side Angle Side at a basketball game today, we could somewhat reason that Geometry 112 wasn’t transposed to the gym to accommodate a bigger class size. Sure, Luke Butthead, the shortest distance between two lines runs through your head. Imagine that. Shooting free throws at a 180 degree angle will create more clunkers than the facility accommodating gorillas sitting behind Marty Moon. Ability to compute Pythagoreans Theorem will determine the starting lineup. Let know one ignorant of geometry enter Butthead’s doors at his office.

And is this leading to a showdown between Butthead AND MIMI???? With Coach Blowhard (literally) by Butthead’s side? Maybe Coach Kim is the head coach. But you could say the same for Coach Ochoa. Both get their hands soiled and both use the brush to get the commodes sparkling like Rick Scott’s head but Butthead and Gil command the attention. Notice I didn’t say always with positive ramifications. The Skipper running the orangutan off the lagoon so that Milford HS cafeteria can listen to the soapbox speaker in peace while eating Munchos, only to find out Gilligan is the principal doesn’t make for good press. The point is, after slogging through several side shows like the one with Gil hawking Tommy Chong’s Better Days Used Transportation (“the way Mom used to make ‘em out of the oven”) , we were anticipating another showdown BETWEEN GIL AND LUKE. Getting our hopes up and discovering that the IU-Purdue rivalry game was pre-empted in favor of Ohio Valley A & M versus Grand Teton Tech was kinda sorta of a letdown. I’m sure somebody will watch it. Maybe.

Initially, I thought Marty Moon was shouting out the Geometry homework but why in a gym and why single out Mimi. She has a lot on her plate with that 5-game schedule.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Duties Reassigned At Valley Tech In A Corporate Restructuring!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“VT Spokesperson: ‘We feel Coach Kaz is best suited overseeing Boot-Shining Duties. We want Coach Luke going first-class. Coach Kim will remain at his present position as Assistant Coach-Motivational Prep detail. Someone has to keep Coach Luke happy when the students sometimes fail to genuflect in the hallways. We have yet to fill the Hat Refurbisher position but we have interviewed a couple of candidates this week.”


At the Milford-Valley Tech game one Friday night

“Why is Vic Doucette chasing that gorilla around the gym?”

“Oh shoot, did Luke Loser get loose again. They need to change the locks.”

I remember the movie “The Octagon”. I remember one critic’s assessment of it: “If you don’t know what an octagon is, don’t expect to learn it in this movie.” True enough. Chuck Norris plays Scott James, a martial arts whiz (in real life also) trying to break up this terrorist organization, their headquarters in Octagon (BTW, an octagon is an eight-sided figure if you’re hanging on the edge of your seat to learn) , a multifaceted structure that contains these traps and obstacles to prevent anyone from being foolish enough to kill the head honcho of this terrorist organization. Naturally, Joe Hero a/k/a Gil Thorp, er, Chuck Norris a/k/a Scott James manages to slip, slide, jump, pole vault, flip over and through, somersault, leapfrog, blowtop mad all the barriers and slay the Gil.

I don’t believe the sequel is going to be The Rhombus. Defined as a parallelogram that has all four sides equal and equal opposite angles, it is hard for me to conceive Luke Loser jumping on these bleacher seats that are separated by alligator-dominated waters, pole-vaulting over those mutant poplars in the back of Gil’s office, leapfrogging over Gregg Hamm’s wayward pitches, flipping through Mimi’s 5-game season, sliding under the cafeteria tables where Pedro and Jami are in a Round Robin D & D Invitational, somersaulting over Dr. Pearl’s file cabinet, cartwheeling with his wife in bed, slipping a 5 to get the corner table at Coffee Cantina, and finally blowtopping the waiter over a dispute with the tip. To slay the Gil? Within the confines of a rhombus?

It’s bad enough that this showdown of this Battle of the Titans has transmogrified into Godzilla Versus Mimi And Her Golf Instructor but I’m in no mood to watch Butthead attempt to negotiate through a series of mazes shaped like a trapezoid, then find out The Minotaur took up residence at that maze in New Harmony. Geez, no wonder why some of the Utopian crowd in that town went back to Pennsylvania.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Valley Tech Athletic Department To Designate Lockers Due To Unresolved Scheduling Conflicts!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Coach Kaz: ‘No way do I want a locker near the laundry bin. I can smell Coach Luke’s dirty Athletic supporters through the chimneys.”

“Now just jump over that one. Leap over the dead twigs. Flip over the stream. There you go, now somersault the squirrels…”

Heard somewhere

“Does Gil teach all the 8-year olds to putt this way?”

We get some actual basketball action in P2 but that’s like saying that I love listening to Duke Ellington’s “Live at Newport” CD based upon a thirty-second clip of “Diminuendo and Crescendo in Blue” with Paul Gonsalves’ long-running ELECTRIC solo on sax. And I remember the Newport crowd going absolutely bananas on the solo and you can hear the frenzy pervade, prompting Duke to say “Oh, we got more, we got more.” He obviously skipped today’s strip when he announced that.

I’m not really sure what rhombus has to do with the VT girl palming the beach ball into the hoop, especially when the free throw area is rectangular in form. I remember the triangle offense and I claim no superior knowledge to it but if I had to make a stab, your star center (Shaq, for example) and star guard (Kobe, for example) and perhaps a good small forward (James Worthy comes to mind) form a triangle which is kinda sorta the idea. You can maybe guard one of them but you can’t guard all three, especially when they’re forming a triangle spread out on the floor. These three are bound to get their touches with the ball, sooner or later, which is the idea. The bitching stops. Nobody gets accused of hogging the ball. And with the remaining two players who couldn’t care less, they just want to be out on the floor and not on the bench, that just sealed Phil Jackson’s philosophy. People get their points at the end of the night and a ring at the end of the season. Jackson was a genius.

So let’s see if we can dissect Coach Butthead’s and Coach Bootlicker’s playbook. If the other team has been drinking or their coach has never seen a rhombus before, you can station four VT ladies in the shape of a rhombus starting from the free throw line extended down just in front of the backboard. The remaining fifth player is by the top of the key as a safety valve. Don’t stick this person by the half court line or the errant pass from the baseline might land in Coach Butthead’s Diet Coke cup. Pass the ball 1,549,032 times until the other team gets bored watching the ball on a patented rhombus pathway that has been traveled by many a Greyhound bus said number of times. VT has them where they want them. This works better than a four corner stall because you make risky cross court passes in the four corner, a real plot foot-shooter, no question. Why make a genius like Luke Butthead appear as if he got his playbook from the Charmin he does his personal wiping with in his water closet? And you can run out the clock this way because nobody is going to foul when they have to pursue The Flight of the Parallelogram just to send a VT to the line for a double bonus. All that work proving that corresponding angles of a triangle or rhombus are congruent only to see a VT shooter swish two from the charity stripe with the clock stopped? The West Union crowd will shout out “Let them dunk on an alley-oop already, for criminy sake, we gotta go to work tomorrow!!!!!” You’re a genius, Butthead.

Why back a person down in the paint? Not necessary. The other team will be so exhausted from this exercise in geometry futility that VT can score with the OTHER TEAM stopped, not just the clock. And make sure your fifth player can bomb from long range. A rhombus with no Steve Kerr? It’s like Joe Schlabotnik engineering the Triangle on an Ouija board hoping John Mengelt gets his share of touches. How can Butthead be a genius without his compass and straightedge, especially when he can buy them at a discount at Milford Apothecary forty-five minutes before game time? They were still in the bargain bin with the BOGO Kit Kat’s last time I checked, genius.

Rob is going to kill me, Rob is going to kill me…

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Consults With His Agent Before Signing Finalized Contract As Assistant At Valley Tech!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My agent just wanted to make sure Coach Luke didn’t pull a fast one and assign me Assistant Supervisor for Study Hall.”

Ooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back and he won’t be one of Coach Butthead’s assistants as far as I know. Comforted and will sleep better with that tidbit in the back of my head

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought that Coach Kaz licking _____________ would help boost his pay at Valley Tech during the signing period.

Then there’s Coach Kim. As Mopman mentioned, it’s possible that he’s the head coach. But since when did that stop ol’ Genius If He’s A Billy Goat from infringing on Coach Kim’s space and shouting out the plays? You call the next defensive set, Billy, I need to take a leak anyway. Oh, didn’t I apply enough Kiwi Shoe Polish to your penny loafers? Oops, my bad. I applied burgundy when you’re clearly wearing black. I’ll get some at the store at halftime. You can give the halftime speech, O Holy Goat.

P2 is simply a travesty of justice because Coach Kim might as well refer to the coach you ride in when you’re hopping on the Greyhound to Oakwood because he sure as Hell isn’t Coach, as in Coach Knight. He might be Head Floorlicker because nobody sucks up better to Horrible Hat Martinez than he does; heck, he’s really not even an assistant coach. Coach Kaz was an assistant because he wasn’t afraid to tell Gil where to stick it. Coach Floorlicker doesn’t even dare to challenge Homer the Referee even when his kid goal tends when they’re playing Nerfhoops. We have to stomach this the next couple of months? Coach Kim’s tongue will be in a cast if he keeps adulating at the speed of sound over that period of time. God help him. And his tongue.

“You get the towels ready, I’ll tell the girls it’s game time. Are the refs here yet?”

“I saw them walking through the door just now, Your Majesty.”

Evening Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kim To Add Assistant Coach In Continual Reshuffling Of Duties!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I wouldn’t dare stand up to His Holiness but I feel Coach Kaz can work with the girls on free throw shooting. And Coach O.J. will help with rebound assignments. Both will be supervise laundry preparation.”

P3 really recaps what we have seen many times before. Coach Kim, if he is the head coach, isn’t really heading anything here. Okay, say Joy (or so the caption announces) is a future WNBA phenom. Is she going to get there because of anything Coach Kim is saying? Because right now, all I’m seeing is a perpetual lick job that doesn’t appear to be ceasing anytime in this lifetime. Why is Coach Kim along anyway if all he is doing is rubber-stamping anything Goat Breath has to say? Does he not have a life of his own? Maybe I just answered my own question.

Right now, Coach Kim has as much backbone as Dr. Pearl on Peacock Bonfire Pep Rally Night. Don’t ask him to set up the final play when Jimmy Chitwood could swish one through and send everyone home happy. He might get lost if he stands on his own two feet. You’d have to hand him a Rand-McNally Road Atlas if he was forced to proceed from that uneasy stance. Thank God he wasn’t on the Milan bench when the Indians won the ‘54 Championship. Bobby Plump might be a butt-kisser just like Coach Kim if Bobby didn’t hit the Shot Heard ‘Round The World. Thank God that Rhombus play designed to get Plump open worked. It was it the Parallelepiped? I can’t remember off the top of my head.

“And that ends the first quarter with the Valley Tech Fussbudgets, 43, West Union Dumb Rox, 21. Coach Luke Bluster Butt is in rare form, shouting out all 5 food groups in his play-calling and it’s obviously confusing the Dumb Rox who evidently can’t tell a Black Forest ham from black-eyed peas. It’s even more confusing why I’m broadcasting VT games but I go where my paycheck goes. We’ll be back after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.

At Milford High School Chemistry Lab at 4:12AM

“There!!!!!!! This ought to get me erect!!!!!!! I’ll dominate Mimi so much, her head will be swimming in NaOH!!!!!!!!!”

Mimi and the kids finally find Gil, the light standing out in the darkness, the light shining on a picture of the Milford Peacock dining on some termites in the inner court.

“Mommy, there he is. Why is he humping the solution of HCl? Doesn’t he know it’ll eat through his pubic hair?”

“If I don’t eat him alive with my wrath first. GIL!!!!!!! Unlock this door and get your butt home!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!”

“I can’t talk now, Mimi. I was sent this literature encouraging me to shop around for the best Erectile Dysfunction medicine. I gambled a stamp and sent for this catalog. I got some info from this ED Clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi in a building that used to be a bar. They had to remove the mirrors for the strip dancers in one of their rooms. Then I received a chemistry set from the Chemical Engineering Department at MIT. I am going to be a man when I swallow this Hydroxlmethanebicarbonate. It’ll be ready anytime after it’s been boiling off the Bunsen burner for 15 minutes. I just have to distill it for a moment and add some sugar cubes. I’ll be harder than an Erlenmeyer flask.”

“Mommy, wouldn’t Benzodiazepinesalkaliethanolboronicneonarsenicialthalliumradicalnitroustricarboxyl fluid work better? Daddy tried his formula and he got a lot of gas. He was on the toilet doing lesson plans for French the whole time he was babysitting us.”

“He won’t have to worry about substitute teaching because I’ll have a substitute husband who will satisfy a lot more because he would take those EREC-6321 Extra Strength No Sudimenofren Tablets like I’ve been telling Daddy to do. Then we wouldn’t to balance equations to have fun under the sheets.”

“Mimi and Keri, it’s like this. When two or three players don’t mesh well because they don’t have the chemistry to win the game, you sit them on the bench and bring in players willing to get along. Do I throw in lithium and lead when I’m trying to boil H2O to heighten my sexual awareness? I’d no more load down my personal possession with beryllium just to get Mimi howling at the moon any more than I’d throw in Dennis the Menace and his pal Joey with the rest of the Milan Indians hoping they’ll set a picket fence for Bobby Plump. You have have the right chemistry if you want to conquer your woman and I don’t mean playing Stratego.”

“Mommy, he’s pouring charcoal into the mortar. Why is he using Coach Luhm’s broom handle to crush it up?”

“Keri, I lost the pestle so I had to do something to crush up the carbon to rub on my person. This is an excellent Vulcanizing process. It’ll be like having sex with a steel-belted radial.”

“At this point, Gil, I’d rather have sex with Dr. Spock.”

“Mommy, I’m going to use some of that Kingsford Charcoal at home and rub all over my wiener and be an Olympic diving board just like Daddy-“

“NO YOU WON’T, JAMI!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, end this-“

BLAMMMMMMMMMMMM

“Oops. I titrated too much lighter fluid.”

“I found out the hard way that there is no substitute for Milford Men’s Clinic. I took those EREC-6321 Extra Strength No Sudomenifren Tablets and the chemistry came alive under the sheets. I didn’t have to use a periodic table to have the time of our lives, not even memorize Lanthanide Series to find my possession. Come straighten out your own chemical imbalance, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, I’m not licking Luke’s hat to be in charge of the concession stand, I don’t care if Luke is offering free M & M’s as a perk. His mouth melts in his hand AND his hat.

But God bless you, Gang.

Leap over here, somersault over there, jump up the ailanthus, flip through Dr. Pearl’s office, watch the file cabinet, sheesh, this plot maneuvering is horrible. No wonder why Chuck Norris turned down Luke’s offer to be his bodyguard…

January 18, 2023

You Can Call Him “GilPa” But You Doesn’t Have to Call Him “Gil Exotic.”

Times are tough in Milford. Unspecified budget cuts have had some kind of unspecified effect on Mudlark sports. Kids are being forced to sell cheap substandard chocolate in front of grocery stores. Now Gil himself has stooped to debasing himself in, of all things, a spot for a used car dealer. Not just any used car dealer, mind you, but one whose appearance is explicitly based on Joe Exotic a/k/a The Tiger King. If Joe wasn’t behind bars I’d expect him to come after the Chief for appropriating his likeness.

Of course, GilPa* might not be doing this for the Mudlarks. Mimi’s little jaunt to Scottsdale hasn’t paid for itself yet! The fact that she’s been able to take it may imply that it was her job – and Milford girls’ hoops – that were the victims of the unspecified budget cuts. Then again, GilPa might need to pay a retainer to a divorce lawyer. He could be doing ads for the Foley Law Group before it’s all done. Maybe he could call in a favor from Hadley V. Baxendale.

*Gentle readers, never let it be said that your input falls on deaf ears. Today Gil refers to himself by a nickname used here and in just about every other Gil Thorp comments section known to man. (Me, I’m holding out for “Kaiser Gilhelm.”)

January 17, 2023

“…Spare A Dime? We Play On This Basketball Team…”

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 10:03 am

Gang, I don’t know about you but Tobias is getting to be like Dr. Rex’s kids. It was bad enough that Rex’s babysitter was a sniveling bitch but now the kids are getting brattier and brattier because Mrs. Morgan isn’t getting home fast enough to get started. Geez, can’t the Stouffer’s Microwaved Meat Loaf wait, for cryin’ out loud? I knew she should have bought 20 World’s Finest from Toby and Darrius to shut ‘em up. I mean, stick a Totino’s Super Bowl Pepperoni in Tobias’ mouth already and while you’re at it, the embouchures of all the Morgan kids. Yeah, go to your room with Totino’s Pizza Rolls stuffed in your cheeks.

Mrs. Morgan, or June as they call her in Glenwood, was grocery shopping, then got Thorpiversed, first by a man who fell on his butt on the slippery parking lot, then by a man who was a diabetic who darn near fainted because his sugar level was low. Now she’s racing home past Kaz who still has to sign his life away with Luke Loser and Lord only knows what transpires after that. Sarah and her two younger brothers at the bonfire? Plot filler if I ever saw one.

It’s just that, again (!!!), Tobias is getting to be like those rug rats. And it is getting on my nerves and I daresay I’m not the only one who feels that way. I personally could excuse the plot-stretching that involved Toby kicking to himself for the winning score. Okay, never played football before, pulled off something that would be questionable in reality to engineer, but we swallowed it, well, because June is coming home with the Happy Meals and Rex’s kids will cease bouncing off the wall.

But then Tobias has a career game against Joe Schlabotnik High which is really stretching it. That’s like expecting Rex’s kids to behave even with a growling stomach by doing the New York Times Crossword in the Glenwood Enquirer. But all right, hand the kids the Bic’s Disposable Pen’s and hope for the best. It’s when Toby has a party and a bonfire where Keri ends up on Milford Peaks ski slope smooching with Pedro and Darrius endures the 7-Year Hangover at practice on Monday that push matters over the edge. Okay, make the snots do the crossword but don’t feed them Spam until June finally comes home.

The final straw had to be pissy-faced Toby in the last game. Toby, welcome to sports. If your head is so far up Dr. Rex’s stethoscope that you can’t tell June from the geezer who fell on his rear end because someone forgot to salt the parking area, you deserve to ride the pine. Corey Ray, who played for University of Louisville Baseball was once asked “How do you stay so sharp?” His answer was a gem: “All I know is Coach Mac(Dan McDonnell) never chewed you out. The bench was message enough.” As Billy Martin once said “I communicated with the lineup card.” Make Toby and the Morgan brats eat turnip greens dipped in linseed oil. And their babysitter while we’re at it. If that isn’t communication, God didn’t make World’s Finest in the summertime.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Seen On Street Corner By Coffee Cantina Peddling World’s Finest Chocolate!!!!!!!! Says Sales Will Defray Some Of Moving Van Expenses!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“My severance went partly to my retirement but I had bills to pay. If I sell 300 World’s Finest this week, I’ll be able to pay closing costs.”

“…and another thing, the way I communicate is with the lineup card. Any questions?”

“Gil, these are second grade golf students you’re instructing.”

Gang, this past Saturday was my fifth anniversary with this site. I was reluctant to say anything because anybody who knows me knows “There’s no ‘I’ in the word TEAM”. Hey, YOU are the ones who make it happen. YOU keep me going. I have said for five years, I’ll say it now. I am NOTHING without the readers. This is YOUR milestone, Gang. As Coach Stuard always said “Us coaches take the losses, you players take the wins.” This is YOUR victory, Gang. Enjoy it.

God bless you all. You mean the world to me.

I don’t know which is worse. Darrius and Tobe panhandling for basketball funds, then eventually devouring some of the profit or Dr. Rex putting up with his snarly munchkins in today’s strip. Dr. Rex, you do use a paddle when your kids are getting disrespectful? Or do you go Gil on us and let Homer the Referee call for Domino’s delivery? Man, Dr. Rex, smack ‘em upside their head if they’re getting that mouthy or go follow Coach Kaz to Valley Tech. Milford already has Rick Scott.

I like how one of Dr. Rex’s kids semi-desperately requests making a frozen pizza. That’s right, when Mom Morgan can’t make it on time to put the Lean Cuisine Chicken Cacciatore Subsumida sul Vino e la Salsa de Pesce and Toby can’t sell any $1.00 Specials out of the recycled cardboard box that Carol Merrill, er, Darrius is carrying, the plot can always hit the microwave and press “Frozen Entree”. Pizza qualifies, trust me. Don’t forget to get the defrosted slop when finished or the beeper will keep beeping forever. Who wants to be reminded ad infinitum that the defrosted plot has been whining for two hours? Besides, you think the Morgan kids are going to let that beeper carry on and on when they’re so hungry they could eat a vape stick? You think Tobe and Darrius are going to stay out there longer than the basketball plot? Selling chocolate and vape sticks to soccer moms and little old ladies from Pasadena to finance a new backboard? Are you serious? Perish the thought.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz To Be At Grand Opening Of His New Business, Kaz’s Klassy Vape Shoppe!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We’ll be giving away free Taryton cartons to the first 200 customers.”

“The way I communicate around here is with the lineup card.”

“Coach Ochoa, does that mean I’ll be starting ahead of Darrius this Friday?”

I have done a million (give or take a thousand) kids sports fundraisers, therefore I can relate to P1 and can relate to P2 as well. As I learned, you get a lot more “no’s” than “yes’s”. Nature of selling. But you have to stay with it and be aggressive without being obnoxious. One year, I was hawking our high school cross country yearbooks and sometimes I felt like I was hawking rubber dishes or Gil’s Brylcreem but then I’d hear “Sure, I’ll buy one.” It would keep me going and I’d get more “I’ll take one’s”. It was fun and worth it.

I just chortle when I see that box. Did they ever think of sitting at a table where people can see the merchandise? Otherwise, for all we know, Darrius could be selling titanium airplane parts, for a dollar naturally. C’mon, nobody is going to spend $20 for a titanium wing that was once part of a Delta plane that laid over at Milford International once a week. Where would you hang it in the wall? Next to that “Senecio” painting by Klee? Other cubist works like Picasso’s “Mimi With a Mandolin” (Mimi’s hair at one with the instrument) or Paul Cezanne’s “Quarry Bibemus”? By the bust of Salmon P. Chase? Put it on the coffee table by the ash tray. Oh, be careful, that was once a masterpiece.

Is Darrius carrying bombs? What would be the sales pitch?

“Can I interest you in buying a stick of dynamite? They’re only a dollar.”

“No, I’m waiting for Black Friday.”

or

“I suppose you wouldn’t want to by some TNT to help raise money for our Basketball team?”

“No thank you, we already bought some at Costco.”

or

“GET YOUR BOMBS HERE!!!!!!! ONLY ONE DOLLAR, ONE HUNDREDTH OF A BENJAMIN!!!!!!!!! HELP SUPPORT THE VALLEY TECH FOOTBALL PROGRAM!!!!!!!!!”

“Sure, Kaz, I’ll buy one.”

“Thanks, Pedro.”

Used records?

“Would you be interested in buying ‘Hank Snow: Live Comeback at Milford Union Hall Local 808’?”

“No thank you, I already bought ‘Deep Purple: Made in Japan’ at Kohl’s.”

I’ll stick with World’s Finest in the box. For now.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Kaz Named Night Manager At Coffee Cantina After Lengthy Deliberation!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“CC owner: ‘His can-do attitude jumped off the page. We had several praiseworthy candidates but in the end his ability to motivate our personnel to change the latte filter before the opening Coffee Hour show act sent this decision over the edge.”

“Would you be interested in buying a Marlboro Menthol Vape Stick to fund our Honors Program for Chemistry and Physics?”

“No thank you. What are you doing selling this stuff here at Milford 5 & 10 Variety, Dr. Pearl?”

“The other sales help failed to present himself.”

Oh waaaaaaaaaaaa, Darrius. Get over it.

This is what’s making these daggone plots so maddening. They flit like the moth in your closet and you have to resort to Raid to fish it out if you don’t strike it dead on the first spray. But then to compound the travesty, T-Verse has Darrius behaving like Dr. Rex’s kids. Do we HAFTA sell these candy bars at the grocery store? Ooooooo, I don’t want to sell candy at Bud’s across the lot. Bud has cooties. I don’t wanna sell frozen pizzas, Daddy say’s Totino’s makes him fart. Mom, Tobias pinched me in the butt. Daddy, what did that man mean that chocolate puts him in estrus?

BTW, what IS this Bud’s in the background. Thorpiverse is always trying to impress with store names that make halfway decent sense. I mean, Butthead’s Bargain Outlet leaves a little to be desired. Stinky’s Ford Dealership leaves us hanging. No, I’ll give T-Verse points for not presenting Toilet’s Toy & Hobby Shop on the wide screen.

But again, what IS Bud’s store in business for? Well, it can’t be another grocery store unless the lady who vetoed the World’s Finest sales was walking out of the Amityville house. A restaurant? I’ve never seen McDonald’s resemble a warehouse or department store. No, I don’t think it’s a car dealership. Stinky’s Ford has that covered. Maybe a men’s store? Maybe. Bud’s Big & Tall would have a nice ring to it. So does Bud’s Sporting Goods. Bud’s 30-Minute Oil Change might work in that airplane hangar structure presently standing. If the airplanes can fit, oil changes, except for maybe semi’s, should be a snap. Bud’s Work Clothes could also be possible. Better than Toilet’s Work Clothes.

“Where’d you buy those Dickie pants and work boots?”

“Toilet’s had a BOGO sale.”

And really, Bud’s Work Clothes for Fat-Asses just won’t cut it. Maybe that’s why we just see Bud’s. Better than Toilet’s Fat-Ass Emporium, I suppose.

“I want that Totino’s and I want it NOW!!!!!!!!”

“Do you let your kids talk to you that way, Gil?”

“Sorry, Rex, I’ll go get my belt.”

If ya sell World’s Finest Deer Rub at the entrance of Milford Guns & Ammo ta help pay fer tha prop-er-tee taxes at Milford Conservation Club and eat what ya don’t sell and add some Queso dip ta tha said edibles, ya might be a redneck.

Tobias, if you are trying to overcome your whiney crybaby image, today’s panel didn’t help. P3 is Exhibit A for any foot-shooting maneuvers. Tobias blasted his lower appendage off to Pluto. Are you absolutely kidding me, Thorpiverse? Both Darrius and Toby act like Rex’s Rats, then wonder why nobody’s buying from them? Get real.

Then they have the audacity to suggest selling something they couldn’t sell as a minor and even if they were adults, what would be the point? Selling the Marlboro Man to benefit the Milford Swimming team? What are they going to do, display him next to the championship banners? “Oh look, Junior, there’s your sister’s name on the Valley Conference Champions banner, right under the Marlboro Man’s boots.” Yeah.

Why don’t these yahoos just go to Milford Cigar & Smoke Shoppe and stock up on cigars? As long as they’re moaning and groaning, they might as well be selling Muriel Cigar boxes at the entrance of Bud’s Toilet Warehouse and smoke a couple when sales are slow. When that lady in P2 refuses to loosen her budget for chocolate or cigars, drastic affairs are in order. And if Bud’s closes for the night, Frick and Frack can always shift to PO’s Chicken Shack. I understand they make a mean cole slaw.

“We’ll return to see if Dr. Rex Morgan followed through on that OTC prescription of Pepto-Bismol to address Tobias’ diarrhea problems due to excess consumption of World’s Finest after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At the Morgan household one night

“Whew!!!!! My, what a day. Thank God I managed to send that gentleman to the hospital after he slipped on a grape and tore out his gluteus maximus. I hope they don’t have to amputate. Oh well, never mind. Let’s get down and dirty and forget our troubles.”

“June, I am ready to be a man and you’re going to like it. I practiced my machismo on those kids when they flipped me off because we had no more Eggos to throw in the toaster. I told them no Oreos until payday. Now it’s time to take charge of YOU!!!!!!!!”

“Oh Rex, I’ll have your Red Baron’s Square Pepperoni Pizza out of the oven quicker next time. And I want your DiGiorno’s Thick Crust right now, right this very-uh, never mind.”

“Honey, I’m confused. I am crossing the Rubicon of masculinity and your elephants got caught in the microwave. What seems to be the problem?”

“Rex, you need to put your person on life-support. I’d rather argue with the kids over where to store the Chips Ahoy! than to get sexually excited over your gummi worm. What did you take for your ED problems, Laffee Taffee?”

“Darling, that is no way to talk to a man. I didn’t take any fluff from the kids and I backed it up by cutting their Game Boy usage by 15 minutes. And I won’t take any fluff from you.”

“Unfortunately, if we pursue our sexual cooperation any further, that’s all I’ll be getting is fluff. You could put your person in the cookie jar with the rest of the Oreos and nobody would notice. If you don’t mind, I’d rather not have sex with the Big Fig Newton.”

“Now please don’t increase the agitation factor. I sent Sarah to her room with only 10 pieces of pizza. And I took away her Parmesan cheese privileges. If you’re not careful, I will not be responsible for my lack of medical ethics. I will violate the Hippocratic Oath and do lots of harm to your femininity. Now let’s get down and soiled.”

“Rex, maybe you won’t be held accountable for your want of medical restraint but you’ll be at the gallows for lack of evidence. You couldn’t duel with Charlie Brown with that sword made out of Tupperware. You might get that mixed up with one of their salad bowls.”

“My manhood will not be defamed. I will climb up very mountain and not stop until I conquer my enemies and the summit they rode their horses on. Come, let’s discuss surrender terms and experience euphoria when you sign on the dotted line.”

“Rex, if you’re going to climb Mt. Everest, use something hard. Pitons made from balsa wood won’t scale the shower curtain. I don’t want to get conquered by Mr. Moose.”

“I am Grant and by Jove, you’ll be mine at Appomattox-“

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Mommy?”
“Yes, Sarah?”

“What’s discreet packaging? Some FedEx man is at the door with a funny-looking box. And the Domino’s man is right behind. Can I use your credit card?”

“We punished Sarah by not letting her take the breadsticks with the order. We fed the goldfish because June forgot to buy fish food. But I had forgotten about the wonderful products from Milford Men’s Clinic that my colleague, Coach Thorp, had recommended. Those EREC-3541 No Sodium Soft-Gel tablets worked wonders on my dearth of manhood. Now I can face Sarah every time she takes one Tennessee Pride patty too many by taking 15 cents off of her allowance. More importantly, I can face June with more than my stethoscope. And we are having more fun than the time we rode in separate cars on the roller coaster. With proven treatment programs that I as an MD heartily endorse, it is wonderful to penetrate something else besides a patient’s femur on the x-ray. Come solve your own medical problems without a shot, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, if you’re not willing to sell rubber dishes, that’s your prerogative but I intend to raise money for those shower stalls in the locker room. Personally, I don’t want the players getting ringworm on their toes anymore.

But God bless you anyway, Gang.

Evening Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Pep Boys Refuses Shipment To Coach Kaz’s Residence Despite Earnest Pleas From The Latter!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Pep Boys Manager: ‘We understand that Coach Kaz is two months behind on the house payment but we cannot in good conscience rubber-stamp orders of Quaker State for him to sell door-to-door.”


“Gil, you need more ties. That banquet is this Friday.”

“I agree. Is Toilet’s Big & Tall still open?”

January 16, 2023

In Bench We Trust

Filed under: actual action, basketball, Gil Thorp — nedryerson @ 12:32 pm

This is the second strip of a two-strip basketball game. Milford gets a win over Salem. Tobias has a cold night and gets testy when Gil sends him to the bench. It’s just all Toby all the time. Was the game even in jeopardy when Gil made the substitution? All we have is a final score that wasn’t terribly close and see that Tobias, despite being Mr. Prep all of the sudden, can get lost in thought instead of having his head in the game.

This strip is ticking me off. One panel to say goodbye to Kaz, then three strips in Scottsdale to insinuate that Mimi can still pull a young golf coach, and then this “game” to showcase the new kid with all the feels.

January 14, 2023

Not at the Bonfire, He Didn’t

Another smash cut, back to Milford and boys’ hoops action. In the course of hammering Tobias/Toby/Tobe/Toebeans, the Salem player gets a look of consternation as he player he hammered feels… somehow… different.

If Toebeans is getting mugged in P1, is Keri getting mugged in P2? Kudos to the Chief for the arms wrapped around neck poses in parallel. No clue why we’re getting the rando Milfordian showing us his choppers in the foreground, though.

Problems at the charity stripe, Gordon? You need to track down good old Kenzie Hanley to show you how it’s done. But why so distracted by Pedro on Keri like white on rice? Thought Dorothy was your babe and Keri was your bestie when you and they were kids. Have we been thrown from Mimi’s potential girl-on-girl tension to a potential bizarre love triangle?

Talk amongst yourselves. It’s late and I haven’t put a lot of deep thought into this. teenchy out.

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