“Know Who Else Tries to Catch Two Balls in the Dark? My Mom!”

Sorry, folks, I had to do it again. The setup was just there.

There is just really no point to this. The blind kid – who may not be blind after all(?) – is now gonna have two blindfolded kids throw balls at him simultaneously? If they’re lucky, everyone will just flail and nobody will get hurt. I still can’t get over how everyone involved with this strip seems to think baseball and softball involve the same pitching mechanics and even use the same sized ball thrown from the same distance from home plate. Sheesh.

The Chief must miss drawing Kaz on the regular. He’s added Kaz’s forelock first to Gil and now to Gregg.

I got nothing more for this right now. Thinking about it makes my brain hurt. Maybe I’ll sweat in my eyes and have a bright idea later.

FAME!!!!!!!! I’m Gonna Pitch Foreverrrrrr…

Baby, they look at me and tell me I can’t see

But they ain’t seen the best of me yet

Give me time, Korean phenom they’ll forget

I got more in me, this bad plot can set it free

I can catch the tripe in my hand, don’t you even understand

Remember my name

FAME!!!!!!!

I’m gonna pitch forever. This story will be on the fly [HIGH]
Nothing is coming together. People will watch this and cry [FAME]

Blast this way in the heavens. Light up the sky full of shame [GIL]
Please don’t continue forever

Baby, remember, it’s lame.

This makes no sense whatsoever. We are confronted with this Korean sensation that supposedly will put Valley Tech athletics on the map but not only do we not know how this Korean Kid did (although I assume he slammed the door or did excellent relief) but when Gil said he would go talk to Gregg Hamm, we were anticipating that he would catch Hamm working with the pitchers on a change-up.

Instead, Gregg is playing “Tea for Two” while Shorofsky took a lunch. We were expecting Shea Stadium but the taxi dropped us off at Tin Pan Alley. Like, does Thorpiverse really think we’re that stupid???? C’mon, T-verse, what in the name of Burt Bacharach does THIS have to do with Leo beating Syngman Rhee? Leo is going to mow down the Valley Tech Nine by memorizing “On a Bicycle Built for Two”?

Gil, if we wanted the stage troupe from “Fame!”, we would have watched the movie/TV show. There was this one episode where Danny auditions everywhere and gets nowhere but somehow stumbles upon this popular kids show, “Mr. Wacky”. Danny does so well off the cuff that Mr. Wacky hires him permanently, with the understanding that Danny is now Noodles on the show.

And everything is going great until one episode where Noodles is throwing baseballs at this lever connected to Mr. Wacky’s seat inside this dunking booth. And no matter how many balls Noodles throws at the lever, many of them on target to dunk Mr. Wacky, Noodles is the one getting showered with water while Mr. Wacky stays dry. Then Noodles improvises (wasn’t in the script, in other words. Lot of that going around) by running towards the lever and giving Mr. Wacky a thorough dunking. The look inside the glass of the dunking booth of Mr. Wacky in bewilderment says it all.
Once backstage, Mr. Wacky makes it clear to Noodles (Danny, remember) that only Noodles is to be the butt of the jokes. Mr. Wacky is the set-up man to that end, much to the reluctance of Noodles. Danny is understandably not crazy about he being the only one that will get pies thrown in his face.

Unfortunately, Gregg is the new Noodles. We were expecting a pitching coach but receiving a Bozo who plays like Victor Borge who gets Sara Lee Chocolate Crème’s thrust at his visage. Oh this is wacky without the Mister, fer sure, fer sure.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Gregg Hamm Steps Down From ‘Mister Gil’s Wacky World’ On WDIG-TV!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I can go over to Valley Tech and be the pitching coach without getting dunked in the booth. Gil will have to go find another loser to do his dirty work.”

The plotline is further going down the drain when Gregg is apparently too blind to recognize the keys on the piano. Gregg, I’m no concert pianist but even I know you don’t play “Fame!” on keys towards the high end of the instrument. It’s entertaining to watch women dance to a pitch equivalent to Alvin & The Chipmunks of Donna Summers’ “MacArthur Park”. The dental drill version of The Trampps’ “Disco Inferno”? Are you serious? We’re getting our chain jerked anyway; must it get jerked further by listening to some falsetto version of “Brown Sugar”? ELO’s Kelly Groucutt did a wonderful job as the falsetto backup for years. I just don’t think it works on “Won’t Get Fooled Again”.

And whaddup with the seat? You couldn’t even fit Gumby in that contraption. I guess if Gregg is blind, he doesn’t know better so Mother Nature cuts him some slack which is just as well. If his vision was 20/20, he’d fall on his ass. Boy, what logic around here. Tommy in a seat barely able to seat a raccoon, now that’s a story backdrop. Remind me to order one like that in case my vision goes he way of this plot.

REX ALERT!!!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!

Rex and Gil are now in a Kentucky Derby horse race of their own and this may go nose-and-nose in a photo finish. Rex is still MIA after Mud Mountain Murphy explained his repentance but goes right around and bows to Dr. Moon even as Ravi Shankar escaped the brig and is somewhere on the boat, God knows where (pardon the pun) . The solution, of course, is for Fred & Wilma to sit on their asses for 3-4 more weeks until plot realization comes full circle. We will serenade you with “Them Muddy Boots” on Muzak while the investigation continues.

No truth to the rumors that Gil and Ravi Shankar are the same people. Gil has no clue how to play the sitar. Same with Rex. He may be pulling a Dr. Schweitzer on us in the jungles of Borneo to conquer herpes among the natives but he hasn’t committed a documented felony. Don’t jump to conclusions in the name of plot sanity. Take a powder and relax.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Gregg Hamm To No Longer Play The Fool And Walk Into The Dunking Booth On ‘Gil’s Wacky World’!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Somebody FINALLY shut the door.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one day, with Head East’s “Ticket Back to Georgia” playing over the intercom

“Dr. Pearl, have you been on Mr. Wacky’s show lately?”

“No, Gil, I’m afraid I lost my footing in the faculty lounge during the End-of-Year Celebration.”

I am not EVEN going to try to interpret what the heck is being said in P2. First off, I have never EVER seen “What even” anywhere, comic strip, Herman Wouk novel, newspaper, Bible, Paul Harvey broadcasts, “60 Minutes”, interviews with Michael Jordan, etc., etc., etc. That word HAS to be “whatever” and there is no way you can convince me otherwise. Is this some esoteric phrase that only a few can interpret while the rest of us intellectually stunted sit and grovel with envy that some people possess intelligence somewhere between Dr. Spock and Jeffy from The Family Circus? Did Harrison Ford use this phrase in “American Graffiti” right about when he’s about to drag race Richie the C or Arthur Fonzarelli or What even was challenging him for drag racing bragging rights? “What even” sounds like something out of Hamlet

“What even thou hast done anon yea verily to slay my father

‘Twill vengeance wrought twice upongst Gil and Rex, where’re they what even ply their trade, fare ye well.”

Then FAMILY???? The blonde is a faint trace of Mimi and the other shot out of nowhere. Greg Brady assumes responsibility of the pitchers for Milford High School by playing “Nutcracker Suite” on a cheap Hammond organ while Marcia and Cindy and Alice the Maid cavort around the room???? What makes this worse, this was an interruption of that Korean Kook who was sent in by Luke Loser to save the day for VT Baseball. So we can only speculate that Pedro pissed in his pants while Korea Kid slammed the door that got shut off from civilization because Yogi Berra proved it ain’t over ‘til it’s over by continuing this travesty with a musical from “The Music Man” to “South Pacific”, Yogi on the kazoo. Way to strike out the side, Yogi. If you see a fork in the road of this farce, take it. That’s only logical.

If ya dance ta “A Country Boy Can Survive” being played by the same organ Grandma Redneck played even when the keys were gettin’ yellower than her teeth, ya might be a redneck.

At Mr. Wacky studios

“Rex, where have you been? We’ve been looking all over from you!!!!”

“I needed some extra income and the lemon meringue was pretty tasty. Just don’t tell my wife I’m really Noodles.”

GIL ALERT!!!!!!! GIL ALERT!!!!!!!!!!

As told in “Confessions of a Double Agent”, Gil, Rex, and Chuck Barris (Gong Show host, recall) were engaged in an assassination attempt in Guatemala as the resident dictator was proving too repressive, judging by the Pizza Hut’s that were scaled back in the name of economic recovery. Rex should make it back to his practice and will likely hitchhike on the Glenwood Across The Caribbean once the hit has been executed and Rex’s papers clear customs. If he shaves every other day, he and Chuck should be in a cabin next to Fred & Wilma before the night’s out. Gil will take more time but a few more kickbacks to the kitty should get him back in the dugout by Friday.

Vincent Price was an excellent actor, having been in horror flicks like the Dr. Phibes series. The one complaint that some of his colleagues had about him was he emoted his part dead in the ground. I personally loved his style but can feel people’s take on the issue. God knows that Gregg Phibes is getting carried away with, what? “Machine Head” by Deep Purple? “I Found A Million Dollar Baby At The Bucket At Rush Hour” by Sam the Sham & The Pharaohs? Getting excited over Vic-TOR-ia by playing the Brady Bunch theme on the pipe organ as huge as the Nick’s Pizza semi? That’s right, Gregg Phibes, have them dancing in the aisles playing Joe Walsh’s “A Life of Illusion” on the Wurlitzer. You got them in a whirling dervish. I don’t understand the connection between this and baseball but one over-emoted song at a time.

At Mr. Gil’s studio

“I’m singggggggggin’ in the rain, just sinnngggggin’ in the rain, how happy to be-“

“Okay, Noodles, you’ve gotten splashed enough. Don’t get the uniform too wet or I’ll have to cancel practice. And don’t even THINK of having Leo pitch a strike at the lever.”

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Chuck Barris and Coach Thorp Allegedly Finger Wrong Criminal On Glenwood Across Mars Tourlines!!!!!!!! Rene Belluso Still At Large!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Fred: ‘I am confident Mr. Barris will get his man. BTW, I was a fan of his on The Gong Show. A teacher colleague of mine got gonged because he told jokes worse than Gil.’”

Concerning P3, Gregg, I hate to burst the toy piano you’ve misapplied your fingers thereupon, but do you honestly think anyone is losing sleep over whether you’re Ray Charles or a sting ray? I’ll admit that you’re confusing the daylights out of the readership because one week you can play pinball at Milford Amusement Center like Tommy Walker, then the next week you’re Don Larsen in the ‘56 Series. But let this three-ring circus prevail in our daily routine by waving your supposed blindness the way a horse rider waves a carrot in front of Mr. Ed? Are you serious? We have better things to do than wonder if Dr. Phibes is overemoting his glaucoma and occasionally riding the umpire because Gil doesn’t have the fortitude to get the answers straight to Dr. Phibes’ blindness-on-the-spot. Heck, he can’t even play “Chopsticks”. Leastwise, I hope that’s not what they’re sashaying to.

Then there’s the tidbit I learned today that diabetics are more likely to contract Erectile Dysfunction. Man, all those Ho Ho’s, could it be that… Hmmmmmmmm.

Mud Mountain Murphy on the Glenwood Cruise Across The Zodiac in a luxury suite with the Glenwood Cruise Resident Slut

“Woman, I have more to offer than what’s inside my cowboy hat and I fully intend to take ‘em up on the “Rape Her Within 20 Minutes And The Session Is Free” offer. Now get’em off and let’s go to work!!!!!!”

“Oh Lemuel, the way you talk dirty tantalizes me no end, I feel your earth move under my feet and bod-WOW!!!!!! Looks like someone’s a diabetic and those Nick’s Diner Mt. Everest Banana Split Saturdays are beginning to take their toll.”

“Woman, that ain’t no way ta talk to a man!!!!!! I got my pride!!!!!! I can bang more than my guitar and I’m just about ta show ya the ropes!!!!!”

“Lemuel, I’ve gone to bed with apron strings and I had to fake the enjoyment. I can’t fake earthworms dug out of the ground. You have to start laying off on those Triple-X Hot Fudge Sundaes they serve at the Glenwood Cruise 24/7 Lounge.”

“Now looky here!!!!!!!!!! I got a reputation ta protect and I’m not ‘bout ta see my manhood get fired off like Buck did with my career!!!!!!!! You’re gonna love Them Muddy Boots or my name is Bugs Bunny with a Capital B!!!!!!!!”

“Well, Bugs Muddy, if you’d cease devouring Eggs Benedict Strawberry Shortcakes at the Cruise’s Breakfast Break, you might pump a lot faster. They had to call in a couple of extra servers just to accommodate your fanatical approach to early morning cuisine. I’m surprised you didn’t eat the rooster that went cock-a-doodle-doo. Wasn’t topped with Domino’s sugar could be the only explanation.”

“THAT’S ENOUGH!!!!!!! I still have 3 minutes and I am going to rip it off and go to town even if it’s a bronco that ain’t learned it’s lesson at the Glenwood Rodeo!!!!!!!!”

“Lemuel, you couldn’t even ride on the kiddy pony up front at the Glenwood Wal-Mart when you were consuming all those Strawberry Pop Tarts they were passing around at your last concert. No wonder why your manhood jumped off the ship with Rene Belluso. I’d be hiding too if your manhood was no thicker than a Slim Jim Reduced Fat Calorie Sensitive piece of work.”

“NOW LOOKY HERE!!!!!!! If ya think-“

BRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGG

“Time’s up. The offer expired. Do you want to pay debit or credit?”

“Thank God there was a Milford Men’s Clinic next to the Glenwood Cruise Health Spa. I got enlarged and a massage to boot. It don’t get no better than that. With all the proven treatments and a stern lecture on cutting back on the sweets, The Clinic was a godsend for this sexy cowboy performer. Hey, this cowboy will gladly stuff the Twinkies in the garbage can if he can rape Dolly Parton for free and beat the buzzer in the bargain. Come rape your own Dinah Shore when you ditch the Snickers, only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, listen, for a plot idea, how about Gregg and Mud playing “Them Muddy Boots” while the ladies dance around so playfully? WHAT???? You don’t think it’s a good plot idea???? How about Alice Cooper and Mud then???? Playing “You Drive Me Nervous”???? Well, the last song sums up my feelings for the plot-jerking so far anyway.

But God bless you anyway, Gang.

BABY, HOLD ME TIGHT, ‘CAUSE YOU CAN MAKE IT RIGHT

YOU CAN SHOOT ME STRAIGHT TO THE TOP

GIVE ME LOVE AND TAKE ALL I GOT

TO GIVE

BABY, I’LL BE TOUGH

TOO MUCH IS NOT ENOUGH-

“Gil, can the Fame! schtick and come to bed.”

Oh you nasty boys

Back to the illegal selling of vapes by the boys behind the scenes, or so they think. Good ol Marty Moon is out and about taking a pic of the action, which again begs the question– how the hell does he know

A whats going on at all,

B where these kids are selling the stuff, and why

C how can he see who’s in the car, as the windows are tinted.

The last day we saw them even talking about vape sticks was January 31. Almost 4 months later, they havent sold the last case yet. Quit looking at Alfred E Neumann and step it up before you become a Tic Tok hero.

Finally Al Jaffee gets a shoutout posthumously. I had forgotten who he was, but he was the editor of Mad Magazine, and he passed away on April 10. Here’s more:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_Jaffee

In Which Gil Decides to Wrestle with the Pig

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. – George Bernard Shaw

Credit where credit is due: In Luke Martinez, Henry has created one toxic character. His never-ending obsession to one-up Gil Thorp and beat Gil’s teams in every sport he coaches has managed to suck in both his assistant coach and Gil himself. He’s also managed to piss off his elder son who, if there’s any sense of irony in this strip, will soon quit the team and/or transfer to Milford High in the fall.

Why does Gil need to call Hamm? To ask him if he’s seen the Korean Nightmare* clip? He should know the answer to that.

Coachella is looking a bit off-character today BTW, Chief. She needs to shave.

That’s all I’ve got for today. My laptop has been crashing and not recognizing its charger for weeks, and today I finally had to back it up and reinstall the OS. Took hours. Sorry not to have more pithy insights.

Oh, wait: I came across this online earlier this week. It dates from the late 1930s and might be as appropriate to share as Kaz’s out-of-left-field Cab Calloway reference a few days ago.

* Or, as he was known in his home country, “The Nightmare.”

You cannot be serious!

The zaniness continues as we are apparently back home again in (Indiana) Milford, or Valley Tech already, with no sign of jet lag from anyone, as Luke is being as much of a dick as he was before the trip to Korea. Imagine sitting next to him on a plane that long, TWICE. I dont think I’d make it to Omaha let alone Korea, with that POS sitting next to me. I’d rather sit on the wing, and I mean the real wing.

So whats going on here looks to be a ballgame where Lukes pitcher is getting the hook, perhaps for a while, as Luke is perhaps removing his son from the game as indicated by “Youre grounded”.

Backing up a bit, the unis appear awfully similar to the one worn by the Korean Nightmare back in Korea. Yes its yet another artist F. Thats F for Fail, class.

Of course if I swore at my coach like that I’d most likely be warming the bench too, so in that regard Luke has a point.

But look who’s coming in to replace Son Of Douch—– its a bird , its a plane, ….no ….its

THE KOREAN NIGHTMARE!!!!

No way. I just knew with the magic of comics that at the snap of a finger, ol KN would be suited up for VT.

Gotta back up again– on the mound why is Luke addressing coach Kim while looking at his son? Thats not Coach Kim directly behind Luke is it? Why have both coaches bring the hook in a game? Never saw 2 coaches out to remove a pitcher, but hey, we’ve seen more strange things lately then an entire season of Thats Incredible.

“Dr. Spock, You Never Informed Me That Dr. Francesca Could Speak Fluent Vulcan.”

I liked what many of the Go Comics people were harping on in relation to this Goodwill Tour Gone Gil’d. We travel clear across an ocean via the Skyjacked! route, i.e., north to Anchorage, cut across Siberia, do a layover in Omsk, take a lunch break in Murmansk, return over the Steppes, stop to go the bathroom in Uzbekistan, fix a tire in Astana, sightsee the yurts in Ulan Bator, sail into Incheon and FINALLY find out when Coach Kim is arguing with the airport security that his #2 pencil is not a lethal weapon that Luke Loser can understand all the cuss words in Korean. Yeah, go Gil yourself, airport security. You tell ‘em, Luke, no matter what idioma is on the slate.

Then it hits me. How do we know that Lim Tak-Shi is not in reality a semi-doppelgänger for Ludwig von Siegfried and Coach Kim is really Agent 86? Heavens to Betsy, Lim could pass for the Kommisar of KAOS and I wouldn’t argue. Is this player that Loser and Kim are recruiting really a Communist infiltrator that will stage an overthrow of the Milford City Council? Wow, what a storyline, today Mudlarkland, tomorrow, the U.S. Capitol. No wonder why Loser learned the language, if Commie Carl bolts during intermission of a Valley Tech doubleheader to go commence a conflagration of Milford High School’s cafeteria or VT’s auditorium, it no doubt would help to be able to say “Get ‘em up against the wall” in Korean. It really isn’t going to do much good to be Harry Callahan and point his magnum at this Commie if he proceeds to say “Go ahead. Make my day” in Luxembourgoise. When in Seoul, do as the Seoulians do.

And then I wonder.

Why does Coach Kim need to have Luke Loser in the same capacity as Coach Thorp when he was plugging those used cars that the little old lady from Pasadena wouldn’t curb her dog in the passenger seat for, if Coach Kim can speak for himself and pretty much has so far? Why drag Hoss Cartwright off the ranch when the latter was slaughtering hogs while trying to recruit somebody? I mean, this dude better be worth it if you’re taking Rooster Cogburn to be your mouthpiece, especially when Coach Kim had been holding much of the conversation. Oh, until Coach Kim and Ludwig Lim Tak-Shi discovered that Rooster understood what they were saying when Ludwig Lim complained that Rooster needed to change deodorants. This plot is getting more inane by the Frequent Flyer miles.

I can see this one on Bonanza

“May I help you?”

“Yeah, we’re trying to recruit this All-Star from Macedonia, Mr. Cartwright, and we understand Hoss speaks fluent Macedonian.”

“You’ll have to talk with him. He’s out in the barn milking the Holsteins.”

“Thank you, Mr. Cartwright.”

“Call me Ben.”

“Sure, Ben. We think this phenom will put Dodge City on the map.”

How about The Big Valley?

“My, my, what a big ranch you have here, Victoria. We could build an extra practice field if you’re not making money on a cow pasture that the deer wouldn’t feed off of to conquer their bowel movements.”

“Call me Mrs. Barkley. And how can I assist you?”

“Well, Valley Tech is recruiting a can’t-miss prospect out of Hamburg, Germany and one of your flunkies harvesting the beets close to the San Joaquin River told me that Jarrod speaks fluent Hochdeutsch.”

“I’ll have a word with Mr. Barkley. Make yourself at home. There’s plenty of cookies over by where Heath is inoculating our hogs.”

“Much obliged, Ma’am. Hooo dogie, if Coach Thorp could see how high they grow the carrots here in rural Stockton, he might give up advertising used Conestoga wagons.”

Hey, as long as we’re going to wear cowboy hats, well, when in Dodge City, do as Wyatt Earp does. We can amalgamate Tombstone, Arizona and the Seoul Olympics and make the plot work. It might take a crowbar to thrust the square peg in this round and round story idea but did you ever see a Pony Express horse give up when it was scaling El Capitan???? The mail got through to Napa Valley and everybody went to bed without further incident.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Rumors Quelled Quickly That Lim Tak-Shi Was The Engineer On ‘Petticoat Junction’ Episodes!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Sources confirm his difficulty in reading the script. A teleprompter in Korean in the coal car was vetoed by the show’s director.”

In Dr. Pearl’s office one lovely Teacher’s Conference day, Mountain’s “Mississippi Queen” blasting out of her file cabinet so that Luhm will later have to ratchet the bolts back in place

“Gil, the Valley Tech principal called again. He said that Coach Luke is insistent you return his hat.”

“For the tenth time, Dr. Pearl, I bought that Little Joe cowboy hat at Milford Second Tyme Around Shoppe. I even have the receipt.”

Man, we goin’ global here if we are expanding into Exploding Jaw Effect. It’s not enough to take somebody’s eyeball out when it’s discovered that Hoss Cartwright can hold his own ordering in Korean at the Seoul KFC, dude, we gotta rip out the whole lower facial structure. I’d hate to see what would happen if they were touring the Seoul Fine Arts Museum and Hoss was discussing the Romantic Era in relation to Korean Renaissance water colors versus oil prints not to mention the Late Baroque that got a late jump in Gwangju but still managed to recover the style from all the pedestrian bridges that Bach and Rhee once traipsed therewith the multifaceted Sturm und Drang influence on the early Seoul skyscrapers that contributed to a more Keynesian effect on the economy, all in the Korean tongue. When Hoss could ask the security guard where the bathrooms were without even looking in the Fodor’s in his back pocket, Coach Kim’s cheeks and mandibles had to have made serious stains all over the carpet.

Doctor Morgan alert!!!!!!! Doctor Morgan alert!!!!!!!!

The physician is still MIA like Coach Kim’s jaw and has yet to be uncovered at this point. Sources say he was last seen riding on a tram over Neuschwanstein because he’d always want to see the Alps up close without his bratty kids playing cooties in the contraption, but that is mere speculation at this juncture.

In the interim, Day Umpteen of the strip has our beloved Mud “Lemuel” Mountain Murphy bellyaching that he learned his lesson and that he will never be a Moonie again, let alone play songs requiring Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s approval before ol’Mud hits the stage. He was tired of only getting flowers when performing “Them Muddy Boots” when hard cash paid for hats, either worn by Mud or Ben Cartwright. It appears that after Day Umpteen + 1, i.e., today that Mud didn’t learn his lesson after getting approached by a Hare Krishna to do “Them Muddy Boots” for the cult’s educational videos. This will delay Doctor Morgan’s return and may even divert him to the tourist group that is going to Gocheok Sky Dome to go watch the Kiwoom Heroes play. Hey, we may find Rex and a decent player to shanghai back to the states that will do Hoss and Valley Tech proud. HRAAAKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

Korean Version of the Milford Enquirer at a Gwangju IHOP newsstand

“{Korean Phenom To Leave His Hometown Roots For Valley Conference Aspirations!!!!!!!!}”

sub headline

“{Gwangju Mayor: ‘We will give him a key to the city if he can prove that he can beat teams in a higher tier than Milford.}”

Gang, don’t misunderstand me. Having a Ring is the sweetest feeling in the world. I can personally relate. My nephew, a medical doctor, was one of the team doctors for the 2021 Atlanta Braves when they won the World Series. The first thing I learned is that those things are HUGE. Seeing it on his finger and observing the ring dwarf his appendage was incredible (ha) .

That said, I remember when Karl “The Mailman” Malone, the great NBA star for years with the Utah Jazz, once said that he took not winning a ring philosophically. In the end, it really didn’t matter whether won one or not. John Salley, a member of the two-time NBA Champion Detroit Pistons, saw it differently. On NBA Today, he had this to say

“Karl, it may not matter to you but me and Rick Mahorn and Jeff Ruland and Joe Dumars and Vinnie Johnson and Dennis Rodman and Isaiah Thomas made up our minds that if we were going to go through the grind in practices and games, we were going to get that ring. And now I have two of them. And it’s the sweetest feeling in the world. Trust me.”

Those last two words especially had a hold on me so when my nephew was in the middle of the World Series in 2021, I was glued to the radio, I wanted it so bad since I was THAT close. I took Salley’s words to heart.

Therefore, it’s not like I’m begrudging Luke Loser but it’s not like he got those playing with Aaron Judge from the Yankees or with Larry Bird when Larry Legend won rings in the ‘80’s with McHale and Parrish or with Babe when he was with Murderer’s Row or Eddie Matthews when he was with Hank or Ernie Johnson. Wasn’t one of those from his wrestling exploits (correct me if I’m wrong) ? You go clear across the Pacific to tell some Korean Dr. No that his son needs to come play baseball for Valley Tech because you won the Southern Heavyweight Tag Belt when you and Jerry Lawler beat the Moon Dogs in a Milford Cage Match? You eat Mongolian Squid Brisket at a Seoul Upscale Bistro and show off the ring you got knocking some Washington State chump on his butt, as if that’s going to convince Dr. No that you can teach his son how to throw a change or hold the runner at first? You show that one ring you got from co-advertising with Gil for Milford Metropolitan Used Cars and Accessories and find a wedding ring somebody left in the glove box when that schmuck had the tow truck haul it off his front yard? Yeah, not all rings were done above board, were they, Luke? I’m not waiting until Gil does another Milford U-Pull-It promo in the same time frame anyway.

“{Did you get that one ring out of a Cracker Jack box? Because the candy-coated stuff is all over my jacket.}”

Oooooookkkkkkk, Gene Rayburn is back to HRRRRAAAKKKK!!!!! this plot into the ground where it rightfully belongs. Take ‘er away, Gene

“Dumb Dora was soooooooooooooo dumb ({HOW!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}) , she thought Lim Tak-Shi was a dinner dish made out of an animal’s ________________”

Sorry, I forgot to tell you, part of Match Game Milford Edition was in Korean. Gene was talking in front of an audience of Seoul residents. My bad.

If ya insist on tha Seoul restaurant honoring its {Drinks 1/2 off on Wednesday} cuz ya like ta wash down tha Stir Fried Squid w/ Rice Krispies with a cold Budweiser, ya might be a redneck.

Dr. No asks the No-Brainer of the Year. Why Milford, indeed? I can assure you, I will not be boarding an airline anytime soon to a baseball diamond in Japan just to recruit a Can’t-Miss prospect to pitch on my Tuesday Night Industrial League team to help win the County Championship in Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky. Flying a foreigner just to make sure you have 10 players in the field so you don’t forfeit? You have to fly to Bhutan rather than get on the phone to call someone on your roster? Yeah, Lim, here’s all the rings I won as the Extra Player/Manager for my Jug Rox Industries 50-and-Over team. Knock ‘em dead, Luke Loser.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Korean/Milford Air Lines 747 Forced To Lay Over In Hutchinson, Kansas Due To Excess Air Travel!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“K/MAL spokesperson: ‘We will taxi some of passengers to Salina where they will catch a Greyhound to Denver. This should help ease the overburdened system.”

Rex Alert!!!!!!! Rex Alert!!!!!!!!!

Doctor Rex Morgan is reportedly staying at a motel in the country of Andorra. His Visa was properly scanned and was in good working order. There were no links to terrorists. He will scale the Pyrenees and use the Basque he learned at a Wellness Seminar in Glenwood and his education, if not his presence, will be further enhanced.

Mud Mountain Murphy will sell his new New Age material (“God Is Watching Us From Fred & Wilma’s Cabin.”) to a Hare Krishna consortium. This was decided after several days that could have been spent on actual treatment of patients which I have reasoned out to have been the raison d’etre of the comic strip; sources have hinted strongly at this proposition, at any rate. While we’re waiting, Mud has promised Buck that he will not perform “Them Muddy Boots” in his Birthday Suit. Truck Tyler was not available for comment. He and Bertha Butt were last seen at a trailhead just north of the Andorra border.

Luke Loser and the Thorpiverse crowd in general, I have no doubt in my mind that this prospect would get lost in any metropolis with a 1,000,000+ population but to say he will stand out in Milford is like saying the Yankees won a few World Series Championships in the last century. Like, who’s this phenom’s competition? Vic “I licked Gil’s Nike’s in the faculty lounge to be the P.A. announcer” Doucette? Gregg “Tommy Walker” Hamm? Mike “Butter” Knappe? Corinna “Rhymes With Urine” Karenna? Pedro “At least I don’t flash an ugly walrus goatee like my dad” Martinez? “Laser” Leo Atazhoon? And don’t EVEN bring up Barry Bader. That’s like comparing Dale Murphy with Joe Schlabotnik and having them face off in a Home Run competition at All-Star break. Joe MIGHT hit one if you throw it underhanded.

Thorpiverse, you might want to phrase this one better next time.

“We’ll be back to see if Batman uses his Bat Maalox to help cure his jet lag from his trip to Korea after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“I had a wonderful time in Korea and it would have been better if Coach Kaz would have been there to sweep my 823-pound body off my feet at the Demilitarized Zone Bridal Suite but unicorns don’t always emerge out of the Burger King in Jeonju. And the damper was the incident where they didn’t even frisk me for weapons when I went through Customs because there wasn’t a gate wide enough to allow me through. Imagine my humiliation when they handed me my purse after I got off the baggage cart. It was time to make some changes.
Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl and I thought life was going to sink into The Dardanelles when my bilingual tour guide told me some wonderful news. Milford Liposuction Academy had a satellite in Daejong and they even had medical staff, from the janitor to the 3rd-shift clinician that spoke English. This was important for this femme fatale who just needed to lose some fatal pounds. It would have been hard to understand Bosnian if the wrong tube went up my boobs and my pocket translator was in my hotel room.

After the secretary received all my information, including confirmation that I had no prior felonies, she set me up with the resident physician who had his nurses install the proper networks into my arms, legs, eardrums, mouth, and vena cava so that the process of lipase liberation would commence.

They used Novocain to put me to sleep and I could feel the wizardry begin to work its magic. They used some special herbs that the country uses to cure constipation and it most certainly put me to sleep. I dreamed that Coach Kaz was violating my space even though it was a Registered Nurse probing everywhere, public or private, with a heart monitor extensor. Even if I knew Coach Kaz wasn’t there to hold my hand or even lower, I still was rest assured that my heart was functioning properly and that I would not contract any Korean epidemics since the country implemented vaccines for chicken pox during the lipo removal procedure. Tit for tat.

The lipo removal procedure went like clockwork overall. The state-of-the-art Latex pyrotechnic tubes that were normally installed as heating conduits from the engine block to the radiator on Hyundai assembly lines were also guaranteed to keep the lipases exodusing from my corporealness to entice me to a slimmer figure and allow me to never again sleep in the baggage system of the plane did their jobs and could ward even a careless cigarette that some flunky nurse’s aide neglected to snuff out. I was home free.

I awoke a new me, one that will keep dreaming that Coach Kaz and I will be sharing the same Nestea and Julienne fries together but I would no longer be accosted to be the bronco bull at the Seoul Rodeo Grounds. Life has its trade-offs and the beauty is one day I will be the woman of his dreams and I got a head start in that regard. You can’t get to Paris by heading to Oslo.

Come on over here in Korea where the water’s fine AND drinkable and experience a new body free of the fatty globules that does so easily beset you. And you don’t even need to bring your Langensheidt Korean Dictionary to experience the miracle of pound-shedding. Let yourself get carried away, especially in the wheelchair, and be well on the road to a new image that will get the wolves howling, not counting the ones in the Schwarzwald, only at Milford Liposuction Academy.”

Gang, Lim Tak-Shi is not Hymie. He’s a robot, remember? And do you see Agent 99 anywhere? KAOS is not trying to infiltrate the Milford Baseball team. Not as long as Cami covers for Gil’s absenteeism.

God bless you, Gang.

“You are nothing but a stupid policeman, whose luck has run out. And if I encounter anybody in SPECTRE wearing that hideous cowboy hat, I will personally send him to be executed in the Radiation Pool.”

At Least It’s Not In the Bandar Tongue

I don’t know about y’all but I’m convinced this whole junket is an elaborate scam by Coach Kim to get a trip to see his fam on the taxpayer’s Luke’s dime.

What could Luke possibly say to Kwan to convince him to come to the US and A to play for Valley Tech? He doesn’t speak Korean, if the convo thus far is any indication. I’m envisioning some sort of loud, slow, horrible pidgin talk like the kind we used to see in old movies. A thinly veiled appeal to avenge imagined dishonor by Gil. Some BS about fast tracking Kwan to MLB via the Valley. It shouldn’t take Kwan long to see that Luke is all hat and no cowboy.

Serious question to Henry, if you’re still reading our dreck: How have you envisioned Valley Tech in your new Thorpiverse? You’ve put it in Milford, along with Milford High. Is the parochial school, St. Fabian, still there too? Is Valley Tech a trade school? STEM magnet school? Public or private? If public, where did the money for this trip come from? Did the basketball team really sell that many donuts?

Your Moment of Minutiae: Nice to see some baseball unis that aren’t a bunch of repetitive pastels or splashes of red on areas that weren’t meant to be colored. Getting a nice, stark White Sox vibe from them. I’ve not watched much KBO League action compared to Japanese ball, but I’ve seen enough to know that players can have triple digit uniform numbers (rendered in Arabic characters).

“{BTW, Mom, This Is Hoss Cartwright. He’s Always Wanted To See Korea.}”

Luke Loser, nobody forced you to move to Rockville. To be talking about Hicktown, USA clear across an ocean shows the ignorance that we already knew was, paradoxically speaking, latent but then again pretty darn evident once we got to know you. The last thing I will EVER talk about when I’m standing in front of the Grand Canyon is there being no joy in Mudville tonight. You flew into one of the most beautiful countries in the world and all that’s on your mind is that the Milford Maintenance Department needs to fill that pothole on a street on the way to Valley Tech? Oh, darn, I forgot, Francesca couldn’t get a job in New Thayer because they don’t have a Liposuction Clinic to handle Mabel Ruth’s obesity. Fancy that.

Dude, you need to get a life.

We’re still anticipating who The Korean Franchise might be. I remember when Sports Illustrated ran an article where this pitcher could pitch 168MPH, only to later post APRIL FOOL!!!!! Well, we’re way past April so this had better be good if we’re going to listen to Luke Lunkhead bitch about Milford having no place for the Cartwrights to hitch their horses. And I’m tired of Ben Cartwright letting his horse relieve himself on my practice field. I feel your anguish, Luke.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Korean Air Lines To Set Up Stops To Milford International!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We are confident we can negotiate with the Cartwrights on part of their ranch for a separate tarmac.”

At Incheon International Airport

“{Who’s that weirdo with the cowboy hat? I saw him buy it at the Airport Souvenir Shoppe.}”

“{Don’t worry. I’ll keep him in the Seoul Hampton Inn until I locate my recruit. I paid extra for The Cartoon Channel to keep him occupied.}”

Then it hits me. Why are two high school coaches traversing halfway across the globe for a player? Now I could understand Jimmy Dolan. His logic was airtight since it’s college basketball and the player was old enough to vote and old enough to enlist. I’d hitchhike through Africa to get him back to State U. too. But Hicktown High? You’re getting your baggage from the Moscow Airport or the Luxembourg Line or the Eva Peron Buenos Aires Regional baggage claim just to be scouting some zit-faced Korean at the Seoul YMCA???? Was this on the Valley Tech School Board budget? Don’t even answer.

Okay, you don’t like eating your plate lunches at Milford Diner, Loser, but as we used to say at my college “Don’t bitch-TRANSFER”. Nobody is forcing you to eat the Salisbury Steak w/ Creamed Mashed Potatoes & Refried Green Beans. What are you going to do, bribe the Korean Sensation with The Diner Tuesday Special Chicken Tenders & Chess Pie, Maureen the Waitress gift-wrapping it so it doesn’t spoil over 3,000 miles?

Then I wonder if Jimmy Dolan is going to have to endure another game where more than bragging rights are at stake. Are Jimmy, Coach Kim, and Luke Loser going to engage a team in a basketball game with North Korea where if this Terrible Trio lose, not only will the Korean Sensation have to serve in a suburban Pyongyang labor camp somewhere but the trio will have to be permanent card-carrying members of the Communist Party , but if the trio wins, North Korea party members will have to buy season tickets to Valley Tech baseball games? You laugh for now.

Denny Crum, the great college basketball coach for the University of Louisville, passed away a few days ago. He was well-noted for the ‘80 and ‘86 NCAA Championships, both victories coming down to cases, further confirming Crum’s teams as the Cardiac Cards. Milt Wagner’s two free throws with two seconds left and Louisville already clinging to a 70-69 lead (fortunate that Duke had no time outs) also got them named the Clutch Cards.

A good story came from Darrell Griffith yesterday at the Yum! Center where a Celebration of Coach Crum’s Life took place. Griffith was once on a breakaway to which he completely blew the dunk. Of course, Crum was upset so when he finally pulled Griffith to the side, he went “Why didn’t you just lay it in?”

Griffith responded “Coach, I’m Doctor Dunkenstein. That ain’t happening.”

Crum’s answer was priceless.

“Then you tell Darrell the next time I want him to lay the ball in.”

Korean Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“{Korean Sensation Benched, May Sit Out Game With Milford!!!!!!!!!}”

sub headline

“{Coach Luke Lunkhead: ‘I don’t care if his fans call him the Korean Dunk Meister, he’ll be dunking on a Nerfhoop in a Hamhung sweatshop if he keeps blowing the bunnies.}’”

At a Seoul McDonald’s

{“Here, son, if you slurp it all down, you’ll see Syngman Rhee at the bottom.”}
{“Mom, I’m a head coach now. With Hoss as an assistant, I have to do my own babying.”}

I think we’d be more successful getting to the last door in Maxwell Smart’s domicile than tracking down this phenom that is likely sleeping in Mammoth Cave via the tectonic plates below Busan. Again, they traveled more miles than the Globetrotters just to hail down a cab and hope to God this phenom is home and not at the library to return library materials? Believe me, I’m not traveling from Blagoveshchensk’s Oblast just to find out if Milford Diner charges extra for sour cream on my Baked Potato & Sautéed Yams. Yeah, I’ll trust that Coffee Cantina serves Lipton Raspberry Unsweetened Tea free from COVID-19, I don’t need to take a row boat across the East China Sea to confirm the rumors.

And even if they get the address correct, what is this supposed God’s Gift To Korean Whiffleball supposed to think when a fellow countryman and the Cartwright family are at his door? Oh, come in, I’ve heard a lot about you. Oh, you owned Ponderosa? We have one downtown, let’s talk about playing for Valley Tech over the Breakfast Buffet. They have a parking section for covered wagons. The Korean Beef Cheese Omelette is to die for. Hoss, I think you’ll really go for the Stir Fried Squid w/ Rice Krispies. I have heard you have had a lot of acid in your large intestine so this is gastronemic-sensitive. Personally, I like the Stone Pot Bi Bam Bap. It adds a couple of miles/hour to my fastball. And I heard they finally washed the ladles after the Restaurant Workers Strike. The Wanton Soup should be lice-free.

Got him in the bag, Hoss.

Seoul Late Edition of the Korean Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“{Bones Discovered In Construction Site Of Gwangju Burger King Traced To Coach Thorp’s Lineage!!!!!!!!}”

sub headline

“{Local anthropology authorities believe Neanderthal Thorp was on recruiting visit for a backup catcher.}”

At a basketball game late in February

“Leo!!!!!!!! @$&#%]?\|!!!!!!!! Next time, lay the ball in!!!!!!”

“Coach, this is the Halftime Slam Dunk Competition, remember?”

Is it me, or do they have lanes to accommodate all the taxis going every which way? One looks like it’s headed straight towards that box truck. The truck itself looks like it’s headed toward some tunnel in the median. You might find this Korean Kolassal down there next to the Cro-Magnons who run the boutiques in Underground Seoul. Looking at these taxi cabs, I will no longer have to explain Brownian Motion and get left hanging. Just call me T. Drew Nye The Science Guy.

If ya eat tha Marinated Tofu ‘n’ Deer Bar-B-Q at the Seoul bistro cuz ya iz gettin’ indigestion from all that recruitin’ uv all them cavemen with a 4-pitch repertoire (fastball, curve, slider, Ephus) and ya got ta clean yore innards out and dump ‘em in tha nearest sewer, ya might be a redneck.

At a Seoul tourist trap

“No, really, this hat is really you. People won’t be calling you Hoss anymore.”

“But a dunce hat?”

“Well, as the saying goes, if the shoe fits…”

Wait a minute. How does Luke know what they’re saying? Don’t go making assumptions, Loser. This is Fallacy of Composition, big time. Just because Coach Kim licks up to you doesn’t mean the rest of South Korea will follow suit. Now I can’t answer for North Korea since they allow limited access but I doubt some North Korean farmer prays five times each day pointed in the direction of the Valley Tech gym. Safe to say incense isn’t being burned in some North Korean village in your honor.

For all we know, Coach Kim, brackets and all, could be saying “{Look what the cat dragged in. I only brought him along because Korean Air Lines offers discounts if you bring another body. Yes, I worship the ground he walks on until we have to sit next to each other in the plane. Then I’m reminded he never brings body wash on recruiting trips.}”

Then his mom responds in kind “{No problem. He can sleep with rest of the horses in the barn. I have enough hay we harvested today to make a bed. He can use your brother’s old pillow. I got all the tics killed off.}”

“{Wonderful. Sorry we have to talk Vulcan but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.}”

“{No worries. I made your dad sleep in the barn when he flatulated excessively from that Yook Gae Jang I used to serve every Friday.}”

“And I like Mud Mountain Murphy too!!!! I heard he was scheduled to perform at the Seoul Civic Auditorium. BTW, how do you say ‘Them Muddy Boots’ in Korean?”

“We’ll return to see if Luke Loser found his Fodor’s Korean in 10 Days or if he’ll have to walk the streets of Seoul groping around like Gregg Hamm after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

At Coach Kim’s parents’ farm, far from the madding crowd

“{Wow, Mrs. Kim, I never thought we’d get Mr. Loser in the cow stall but he set his alarm so I assume he’s okay.}”

“{I shut the gate so the Japanese Holsteins wouldn’t snuggle up. I was concerned with his snoring but we won’t need to turn on the moth zapper. I just hope our neighbors won’t think there’s an earthquake transpiring.}”

“{And I’m going to shake you up once we get into bed. Put down that cattle prod and stop wasting my time.}”

“{Oh, Mr. Kim, your trash talk is getting this Korean lass hot to trot. I feel like one of our Amur Oblast hogs in heat!!!!! I am more excited than Busan rush hour traffic!!!!!!}”

“{I intend to get past the 38th Parallel North and conquer you and the rest of Kim Jong Un’s band of commies!!!!!! You don’t stand a chance under the sheets!!!!!!!}”

{“Oh, let the bazooka drive it in me, um, er, it appears as if Bazooka Joe is bigger than yours in a cakewalk.}”

“{How do you figure???? I have been breaking bulls all day and if that doesn’t get me harder than the Gulag Archipelago, I will sleep next to Mr. Loser in the bunk with the rest of the chickens.}”

“{Don’t let me stop you. I didn’t have my son because you limped when General MacArthur dropped by to pay a visit. You need to prove you are still a man or move to Indonesia. The village restaurant makes seafood pancakes out of your Cream of Wheat Mush.}”

“{I will not have my masculinity compromised at the North Korean border!!!!!!! You ungrateful woman, you will take my Korean Cuisine and like every bit of it, after dinner mints included!!!!!!!! I came, I saw, I conquered all of Asia!!!!!!!}”

“{I’ll concede the mints since they’re tasty and hard. Your manhood is like a Korean Hot Dog that got left in the dryer too long. I could iron that Oscar Mayer flabby job and never have to worry about wrinkles or otherwise. You ever thought of switching over to Armour Korean Beef Franks?}”

“{I will nab this wild ewe that refuses to lay down her life like the rest of the sheep and teach her a lesson about what happens when you insult a ram!!!!!! Your sexual resistance will get head-butted!!!!!!!!}”

“{Oh, I want to lay, all right. Just not in front of a ram with no horns-}”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“{Yes?}”

“{Mom and Dad, could you keep it down? You woke up the chickens and Mr. Loser can’t sleep in his bunk.}”

“{Saints be praised that Milford Men’s Clinic had an overseas location practically right down the road at our nearest metropolis. And I tried the new, improved EREC-4572 Sea Salt tablets, the salt guaranteeing an erection in 15 minutes or the medications are free. What did I have to lose other than the two horses that ended up in my neighbor’s chicken coop? Now, Mrs. Kim and I threaten nuclear warfare every night and we are bombing each other over and over. There’s no Detente under these covers, not even close. Go to your nearest Milford Men’s Clinic today, now with a new location in Hokkaido, Japan.}”

{Gang, thank you for your-}, oh shoot, I forgot to turn off the Urdu translater. There, in any language, God bless you all. You mean the world to me.

In Tijuana, Mexico, at a pawn shop

“{Tell Coach Thorp, he can’t coach his way out of a lava lamp. And I’ll only take $5 for the watch, I don’t care about no damn 2014 Championship.}”

“What did he say?”

“He said ‘Congratulations on your championship and that he will only charge you $5 for the lava lamp.”