This Week in Milford

November 17, 2020

Which Plot? We’ve Stomached Three (Or More) Of Them.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:58 pm

And just like that, the scene changed from guys pissy-faced about a game they really should have won even with pissy-faced conditions to Miss Permanent Pissy Face putting a damper on people who are taking one for the team. It is like those whirlygigs that fall out of maple trees each year, spinning out of control to the ground and if you dare try to catch one, you’ll get dizzy fast. We’re still recovering from that charity event that was more charity than event. The free food sent by Mr. Rooney, the same teacher who crucified Mike Knappe before underwriting Domino’s Delivery, backs me up on that claim.

Can’t we develop the kiss-and-make-up scenario between Rapp and Thayer before going back to somebody with a personality of a turtle at your local Fish and Wildlife Area? And apparently it’s getting old with her fellow volleyball players. We got hit with a miserable rainfall that was all wet in more ways than one and all we got between Rapp and Thayer was a long bus ride back to M-town with not a word between them.

Usually in the Berrill years, if guys got an ass-chewing for their “I” before “team” approach, they not only would not have been dragged out of class but the next game was when Lessons on Life would be liberally applied. The only thing being applied at this juncture is the precipitation. We are dealing with too many plots and not enough plot development. We were expecting Rapp or Thayer to take charge and get the team out of the mud and not only did they both fail in that regard but then we abruptly switch over to Peppermint Potty spewing more of her venom, this time in the direction of the volleyball team. Potty, they were just innocent bystanders. Raising a stink when the volleyball team isn’t anywhere near the Pottys to poop? No wonder why you went through three schools.

Oh, I get it. Potty will have a team meeting with the football team and tell them to get your head out of Gil’s hair and that she’s seen better football in the hallways at Valley Alternative. Then she’ll go on to help the volleyball team win State, tell Mimi where to stick it since she knows less about volleyball than basketball and coaches to suit that perception, then run off and get married and live in a remote part of Saskatchewan and live by the Call of the Wild. She’s big enough to chop wood.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Entire Team Quarantined From COVID-19!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Gil: Thank God they sanitized the tables at the Club. Life has no meaning otherwise.”

Okay. So Thorpiverse is going to throw Shakespeare in 115 acts instead of the usual 5, plot of all trades, master of none. I will try to get my eyes adjusted to the set. Try.

“…with two Conference losses, stick a fork in Marty’s goatee, it’s Spaghetti O’s-

“Why is there water coming out of your locker? It’s washing away your UPS package of Barbie dolls down the hallway.”

“Peppermint Potty, don’t you care about your school? Do you have to be Maureen and dump bad meat loaf on my parade?”

“No, seriously, it looks like the same rain shower that dumped on the football game. I could have used some on those jerks when they wouldn’t get the hint.”

“That same rain is carrying your lipstick case and your mom’s ammo in the Home Ec class.”



And P2 is just a bad tire retread. Like we couldn’t figure out that Peppermint Pot had been to three schools. Okay, Thorpiverse, I got the ticker counter

1) She’s now at Milford after taking a tour of the town and complaining how crappy it is, yet the hog feeds from the trough. Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Even THAT isn’t a given with all the runarounds we’re getting on these plots or mini-plots or nursery rhymes that extend longer than the couplet rhyme scheme

Mary had a little lamb

Whose fleece was white as snow

And every time that Mary spiked the ball

The lamb was sure to go

There were two wolves who were wanting to

Get in Mary’s pants and eat the lamb but

Mimi came out of her office with a sawed-off

Shotgun and fired about 12 rounds at these vermin

Who were more concerned with bitchy women

Than football and had to be sent back to their

Pen before the Milford Petting Zoo closed for the


What rhymes with “bitchy”? Itchy??

2) She was at Valley Alternative. But this is like in the movie “A Few Good Men” where the judge rebukes Tom Cruise when Cruise is being redundant in pleading his case. “Lieutenant Caffey, I think we’ve covered this.” No truer words spoken. T-verse, what part of “She went to Valley Alternative because she’s a brilliant student but possesses a nauseating personality at the level of the egg nog you forgot to use to bake cookies with and you are compelled to pitch it in the trash compactor” do you think we DON’T understand?

3) This one’s wide open. We don’t know the third one and who’s REALLY going to investigate? Friday and Gannon would rather dole out parking tickets while riding in that little meter maid wagon than attempt to fish out her whereabouts on her third option. She could be at Westview with Funky and Les and the rest of the Scapegoats, Archie and the Gang at Riverdale, Boys Town in Omaha, or with the rest of the convicts at Folsom Prison singing “Ring of Fire” at the Johnny Cash gig and she STILL wound up at Valley Alternative. Enough snooping for me. Oh, look, I think I’ll hop on the back of the wagon with Joe Friday.

Because I thoroughly wonder why people are investigating some of the venues where they shot Hogan’s Heroes

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlark Football Players Complaining Of Concentration Camp Atmosphere At Practices!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Anonymous source: ‘The senior class was not particularly thrilled with Colonel Klink running the calisthenics”

Now whatsa matter Potty

Ain’t you heard of my school

It’s number 1 in the State

So be true to your school now

Just like you would to Gil or your guy

Be true to your school-


Strangers in the night

Exchanging glances

Wondering in Gil’s bed

What were the chances

We’d be sharing love before the night is


“And that was Michael Bolton with another Golden Oldie on the Lite Favorites from the ’50’s and ’60’s Afternoon here on WDIG. We will update you on the shooting between Rapp and Thayer in the football parking lot after the Milford Stockyard Report.”

And P3 is just full of possibilities. Sure, she has a hard taco shell to match a wide wet burrito butt and that may be as hard as the chunky bracelet that Becca is wearing. I’m not sure. And don’t you love this positive spin to attempt to save face for a lady who needs to take her attitude and shove it? There is no such thing as a girl with a shitty attitude and a butt that looks like the Chimichanga from Hell. Bad parenting and a bad home environment was responsible. She needed good examples and better potty training. She wouldn’t wear her psychological helmet on her head so that nobody can penetrate her inner psyche if she would read more of Miss Manners and less of her horoscope. Isn’t Miss Manners by the crossword? Or maybe it’s next to the wedding announcements.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“The Diner Severely Damaged After Bombs Found In The Dishwasher!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Corina’s mom: I knew when everybody was distracted by the players at the volleyball game that the back door would be unlocked.”

And with Peppermint Potty walking off into the sunset (we wish) , what does the future bring? Because again we’re still left on hold with Frick and Frack who may or may not iron out their differences at the QB spot. Maybe they can go to Gil’s verandah and broker a solution. Hey, lemonade and Mimi-grilled BBQ steaks have spawned ingenious game plans between Gil and wife. And Frick and Frack may be able to compromise on Peppermint Potty. Frick gets dissed by her on odd-numbered days and Frack gets dissed by her on even-numbered days. Works for me.

“Aren’t you confused by all these plots running around like stray dogs on the streets of Milford? Thank God I kept it in my pocket and didn’t have that many children zig-zagging in the Thorp household.

But I’m not here to talk about plots and dogs on the football field on 4th and 9. Hi, this is Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. Many of you have wanted to know what you can do to start your own bourbon business. Now I don’t mind taking calls collect but here’s a better solution and I won’t get woke up at 1:30AM.

Milford Beverage Warehouse has started an exciting new program for you entrepeneur wannabe’s out there. It’s called Builders for Bourbon. It’s simple. When you purchase products from our abode, the Warehouse will supply you with a kit, depending on your level of interest.

Some of you are chickenshit and don’t want to go whole hog. You want to make some Maker’s Mark but you’d rather keep it in the backyard. That’s to be expected. So if you purchase $50 worth of merchandise from the Warehouse, they will send you materials, chemistry set included, to get you started on your path to prosperity right in your own basement. Some of you may need to move the table electric saw but you have to give in any relationship.

Some of you are a little bolder. You have some property and don’t mind it when people stare at the pipes and the runoff. You are the kind of person to tell the EPA that they couldn’t monitor a forest fire when Smokey the Bear’s in charge. Hey, you’re on your way. That’s why with a purchase of $100 worth of liquor, the Warehouse will send Milford Small Construction to build on your site. Man, don’t you want a patio with pipes running everywhere? You can just sit and watch as Kentucky Straight, No Chaser Bourbon is being brewed to perfection, all while the squirrels are staring in curiosity and the does are running from the bobcat. And you’ll have customers ringing off the wall at your new business to boot. Sexy.

Now some of you jump in the swimming pool when there’s rumors of sharks. You DEFINITELY belong in the bourbon business. If you don’t max out in your credit card purchasing booze, The Warehouse will send this same company to build out in the woods off of some farmer’s cornfield. A random drawing will determine your venture of danger. Man, isn’t it exciting dodging the revenuers and still supplying somebody’s mansion with Four Roses Bourbon at the Kentucky Derby? I almost went for it myself but Mimi put her foot down.

If you have an itch, come scratch it at the Milford Beverage Warehouse. Come build your own perilous paradise and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.

Gang, quit throwing all these plots at me. I may have to call Milford Animal Control.

God bless you, Gang.

November 16, 2020

So You’re Saying There’s A Chance?

Filed under: exposition comics, huge earrings, Prairie Style Windows — nedryerson @ 4:44 am

Today we have a conversation between Corina and some of her volleyball teammates. I assumes these are her volleyball teammates. There hasn’t been much done to establish these bit players. There’s one named Becca, I think. But that’s entirely the point of this fall plot. CK is the object of fascination for our two rival QBs and then the volleyball team became a stupid bargaining chip in their game to crack through the CK barrier. So it’s no surprise that the two teammates are sulking about the state of Mudlark football.

Milford has two losses in the Valley Conference. But one of our disposable volleyball players is aware of a scenario for Milford to get the conference title. It’s probably one of those scenarios where two other teams have to tie or something. Now I remember that volleyball player’s name! It’s Becca Exposition!

So CK greets this information with an “Okay.” Is that a drawn out “ooookaay” as in and what am I supposed to do with this or is it really a spark of concern (undercut by the casual application of lipstick). My instincts say CK don’t give a toss because Friday nights are for Crazy Eights with mom.

November 15, 2020

Soggy Milford Breakdown

I was out of town yesterday so wasn’t able to get a post up until now. Mea culpa. I spent most of the day in Delaware, where I didn’t find a Wing-T but I did find a Milford. Doesn’t look like Gil found a Wing-T either.

Thankfully Whigham cut away from Marty’s bukkake video on Friday to show us this grind. Wing-T or no, the run-heavy Mudlarks should have thrived in these conditions, no? No! One has to wonder if this was due to fallout from Gil’s little reaming out of his QBs last week. Team Rappson may have thrown lookout blocks when Thayer was under center while Team Thayer did the same for Rapp. The Jeffs laying a WWE-worthy body slam on either Rappson or Thayer is just icing on the cake.

Doubtful we’ll hear any analysis on the bus ride home, not with it raining inside the bus like it is. (Nice of Weird Al to body double for Rapp so he wouldn’t have to make that trip.) Monday-morning quarterbacking will come on Monday, if it comes at all. With a second conference loss, winning the Valley is out of reach for Milford. How will Gil save face, salvage the season, and stifle the controversy? I wouldn’t bet against emergency QB Leonard Fleming starting from here on out. Then the Mudlarks can truly be called Leonard’s Losers.

November 13, 2020

Rainy Day Mudlarks

Filed under: actual action, football, Gil Thorp — robmize2013 @ 7:51 pm

Doing this post on my birthday– so why not sing a song?

Rainy day mudlarks

Rainy day mudlarks always seem to know when it’s time to fall

Rainy day Marty don’t talk
He just sits in his wooden stall

Rainy day Gildo don’t lie when he tells you
He cant coach at all
Rainy day fans in the stands don’t mind if you’re cryin’ a tear or two

Jefferson players just slide as they tackle

Theyve been down there too.

Gil hasnt had a QB since he had a dude named True.

Martys crate leaks like a boat thats sinking in the blue

Rainy days call for an annual Mudlark losing crew.

November 12, 2020

Good Thing The Message Isn’t Muddied. There’d Be Cleat Marks Everywhere.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:39 pm

In the Milford locker room

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep talk a lot pick a little more

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep talk a lot Gil is truly God

“Hey, did you hear what happened to Thayer and Rapp?”


“Gil chewed ’em out because The Music Man was trying to teach them teamwork and they told him to stick his act in one of the 76 Trombones.”

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep plot is dead Gil is ultra-hot

“Hey, did you hear what happened to Coach Thorp?”


“He renewed his wedding vows to Coach Mimi at The Diner. Maureen was the Maid of Honor.”

“I thought she played the organ.”

“I thought you said you didn’t know about the wedding.”


Pick a little, talk a little, this plot is sooooooooooo


“Hey, did you hear that Coach Thorp caught Thayer and Rapp in the boys room grabbing each other’s private parts?”


“Coach made them do steps up and down the stadium for 2 hours. Yelled at them that next time, I want the whole team in the boys room. We grab and fondle as a team.”

“So when’s the next Grab-in?”

“During lunch on Tuesday. Be sure to have a hall pass.”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Injures His Lumbar Section While Kneeling To His Wife At His Vows Renewal At The Diner!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I don’t care how they did it in ‘Moonstruck’, Danny Aiello never wore a thong jock strap while proposing.”

What is the player doing in P1? Eating his arm????

Gang, I remember the Nixon staffers being interviewed during the Watergate hearings and these guys were practically thugs. H. R. Haldeman was brutally cold. No feeling to him whatsover. He just stared through the interrogation team. And the same could be said for G. Gordon Liddy. His treatment of John Lennon was a joke. He had Lennon looking like Charles Manson when Lennon was trying to get citizenship in this country. Wiretapping and illegaly seizing his files were not uncommon for Mr. Liddy.

And some of you might remember the Saturday Night Live sketch where someone is interviewing Liddy while Liddy is in his backyard at the grill. And when the interviewer notices no burgers or dogs, Liddy said that was because he was going to grill his hand. I’ll spare you the details but you get the gist, I assume. Unfortunately, that sketch wasn’t far off the mark. Liddy was a desensitized scoundrel.

So is this what the plot has come to, Music Man ladies questioning and gossiping whether the Music Man is actually a coach and football players sautee their radial and ulna while engaging in gossip???? I think we can answer the first one. No. The Music Man has been pulling one over the town of Milford for 60 years no matter how many times Mayor Shinn insists on checking The Music Man’s resume. The second one? Do you want me to answer that? Seriously?

If ya git bamboozled cuz The Music Man thinks 76 Trombones would be a nice addition ta “Take This Job And Shove It” when Johnny Paycheck performs in concert at the Milford Outdoor Amphitheater, ya might be a redneck.

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep talk a lot grab a hunk of crotch

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Gil Gil Gil talk a lot coach a lot less

Thayer was caught for child molestation

He’ll be benched all night for Friday’s game

The team will run laps until damnation

Gil cited lack of teamwork as to blame

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep slurp a lot drink a lot less

“Hey, Joe, did you hear that Mr. Moon dumped Peaches for that cute librarian at Milford Public Library?”


“Marty was checking out ‘Broadcasting For Dummies’ when he spotted her in the Non-Fiction department. He treated her to Milford Diner on the first date. Heard she loved the Au Gratin Potato Night.”

“What’s that got to do with Thayer going in to whine to Coach T. about losing his job?”

“What does this plot have to do with the price of tea in China?”

Ooooooookkkkkkk, I think we’re getting a handle on the problem at this point.

And Gene Rayburn is back to minimize the mud-slinging and dearth of teamwork. Gene, you never let us down

“Dumb Dora was sooooooooooooooooo dumb (HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) , she thought The Music Man in Milford was really __________________ in disguise.”

And what better way to dispense with the gossip that ensued from the tail-whipping Rapp and Thayer received from The Music Man (“…you don’t act like a team, and that starts with ‘T’ and that starts TROUBLE…”) than to have 2 schmos partaking of the rampant rumors while one schmo is slobbering in his Gatorade. For that deep down thirst for more mudslinging, it would appear. Tommy Lasorda, the great Los Angeles Dodgers manager who won the last World Series before the Dodgers edition this year, would be patient until the team REALLY hit a snag, then he would lay into his team and give them the butt-chewing of their lives until the paint peeled off the wall. Needless to say, they would go on a tear after that. We not only can’t even find closure to the Thayer vs. Rapp Debate and find MORE mud piled on the avalanche of gossip despite the tirade by Coach Thorp, we’re getting grossed out watching Crest with Fluoride oozing out if the dude’s water bottle. And that spells trouble.

Marty Moon on the podium

“Coach T. is a fraud!!!!!!!!!!! His real name is Gilgorich Thorpachev!!!!!!!!!!! I have legal documents here in my-“


Gilgorich dodges another bullet like he has the last 60 years

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Rain rain rain Tackle little run his ass over a lot

“Hey John Doe, did you hear that it was raining cats and dogs because Thayer was a crybaby about PT and it caused Coach Thorp to dance like he did when James Brown was gettin’ it on to ‘Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag’ and ‘Nothin’ Beats a Fail But a Try, Part 1 &2′ at The Apollo in ’68 and Bootsy Collins liked it so much he invited Coach to hop on stage with the rest of the brothers and they funked and flailed and juked and jimmied and shook and shimmied and were able to show their pelvis’s slithering like a snake unlike Elvis back in ’56 and that’s what caused the downpour in P3?”


Awkward silence

“Well I bet Elvis would have been more patient with Thayer.”

And we have NO CLUE who is who in P3 although that does appear to be an “M”. Hard to tell in the rain. And I am no football guy, my brothers did the honors, but that has to be the worst tackling technique known to mankind. My nephew played football one year and I remember one of his coaches telling the team WE’RE NOT BEGGING THEM TO BE TACKLED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This rain-infested individual is at the altar call. Give him a Bible and a “Holy Joe” tract and send him on his way because the running back is bound for glory. Bound towards the end zone anyway, no matter how much crotch-snatching Holy Joe is doing. His crotch might be too slippery in this downpour, Holy Joe.

“Gil, Did you hear that Dr. Pearl finally ran off from Mr. Dr. Pearl?”


“She didn’t that flu shot at Milford Pharmacy. She was afraid of needles.”

“….and at halftime in this drenched affair, it’s Milford, 7, Jefferson, 0. I’ll be back in a moment with the stats after a word from our sponsors. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“My, my, how some of the hearsay can become cancerous and malignant to our well-being which precludes the development of our inner concepts that foundationalize our status in the top of the food chain. Gossip hisses indeed. Loose lips and loose ears crushed Napoleon at Waterloo.

Greetings, this is Mr. Dr. Pearl and I have an entirely different concept to discuss and frankly, between you and me, it has me worried. The grand people at Milford Bath Works have been entangled in an imbroglio through no fault of their own. We were confronted once by Mr. Sharkey when his client filed a negligence suit against MBW after he slipped and fell in the tub and broke his hip. Mr. Sharkey falsely claimed that because the walk-in tub included a Jacuzzi and that only a certain material in the tub structure itself could handle the whirlpool mechanism, a matrial allegedly slicker than regular tub ingredients, the company failed to notify the client of this disclaimer in the instruction manual. We were on the side of Law and Order however, contrary to that rapscallion Sharkey.

We were notified by the Milford Police that the same day he purportedly stepped in the walk-in tub, he had an alcohol blood level count three times over the legal limit. We were able to weigh the scales of justice in our favor because this client was ruled by the judge to possess an impairment in judgment and momentary lapse of reason and presumably lost control when skinny-dipping in the walk-in tub the way he drove into that utility pole. The judge wasn’t about to ruin MBW’s good name from someone’s careless drinking binges. If he wants to get loaded off of Budweiser before walking in the walk-in tub with his rubber ducky, that was his own cross to bear. Don’t blame the company when he can’t walk a straight line in front of Barney Fife.

And now we have another lawsuit pending. An octegenarian lady has claimed that the shower spigot was improperly positioned at an angle that caused the water flowage to make contact with her pacemaker. She cried foul when the mechanism went up in smoke along with her abdomen and lower chest.

Let me reassure you that the engineering department at Milford Bath Works have done their homework and have executed the proper calculations to ensure quality and craftsmanship every time you commence with the shower head. Mr. Sharkey has the shower pointed as usual at the wrong armpits.

We can and will prove that she had to have been situated upside down as her pacemaker was traced to her collarbone. Unless she spent several minutes aiming the shower head at the collarbone but by then her head would have burned off from the mini-explosion. Difficult to walk into a walk-in tub in that predicament, don’t you think? The headless horseman will have to cut its losses and purchase another pacemaker.

And with all these obstacles that lay before us like your Saint Bernard blocking your path to a world of bath tub liberation, we feel that you too can utter “Down, boy” and your dream walk-in tub, which can now be financed easier because our salesmen no longer work on commission, will be a new found reality. Like getting baptized in the baptismal pool on easy credit.

But Heavens, don’t take my word for it. Come see how we can install a new creation in your bathroom and compel Mr. Sharkey to stick to ambulance-chasing all at Milford Bath Works. Your Paradise without the apple tree.”

Gang, we’re not begging people to laugh at my comedy blog. And put your wallets back in your pockets.

But God bless you, Gang.

Pick a little talk a little pick a little talk a little

Cheep cheep cheep talk a lot lick a little more

“All right, I want to know who’s been starting the shit around here. I want names or you’re running to Dr. Pearl’s retreat house and back.”







“The Mayor.”

“Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.”

“Richard Clayderman.”

“Slim Whitman.”

“No way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Slim started shit over in England for 20 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Meet me at the gate in 15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Hack a little run a lot wheeze a little run a lot

Barf barf barf Gil’s a butt needs a new career

“Coach!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know who shot Coach Shaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!! Who in the heck was it???????”

“It was-“


November 11, 2020

In Which Gil Thorp Finally Acknowledges the Existence of a Virus

No, not that virus, though you gotta admit that social distancing would be a plausible rationale for the seating arrangements in the Milford gym. Today we get a view into the inner workings of the Thorpian Stasi in action.

First, Gil walks in on the aftermath of Kaz shooting up on his desk instead of in what looks to be an Aeron chair but is probably a knockoff. How else do you explain that overdeveloped right arm with veins a-poppin’?

Then we catch Gil repeating the story with his chief informant Mimi. That Gil’s players had begun to show up to support Mimi’s team wasn’t enough for her; in her mind, they should have to do it as a unit. No place for players to sit with their friends on the team and to not sit with guys they wouldn’t hang with outside of football. Gil of course buys into that and decides he needs to get to the heart of the matter. How? Not by actually talking to the two guys who are actually at the heart of the matter, but to put two guys on the hot seat who have been the exact opposite of rivals for the past two seasons.

Finally we find out how Gil “squeezed” the intel out of Macy and Roh: via ungloved prostate exams with zero lube. Why is Gil so angry at these two? Did they not drop trou fast enough for him? Chance and Charlie aren’t the droids you’re looking for, Gilberto, and they’re not the ones who are taking sides in this controversy. EDIT: Alert TWIMer Downpuppy has pointed out that the pair getting reamed out by Gil in P3 are in fact the dueling quarterbacks Rappson and Thayer. Once Gil is finished with his unlubed prostate exams, these two will be singing Kumbayah (h/t hitorque) and playing rock paper scissors for first crack at Corinna. Does Gil know that these two have been actively recruiting teammates to take sides against each other? If not, this is Gil’s problem to solve, not the QBs. By calling them out of class and raking them over the coals, Gil will have sown fear, uncertainty and doubt among every Mudlark football player. That won’t win the Valley but it’ll keep the proles in line and, after all, that’s what the Thorps are all about.

November 10, 2020

Your Mother Has A Face Like Franconia Notch!!!!!

Filed under: freak hands, Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:20 am

Uh oh. When Coach Thorp is displaying his Old Man of the Mountain visage, we know issues are getting down to cases.

Old Man of the Mountain was a piece of rock sticking out of the mountains of New Hampshire that, logically, looked like a gigantic face of an old man. For centuries, it had been like that as many influential people, including Nathaniel Hawthorne and Daniel Webster, made a special note of it in literature and otherwise. New Hampshire’s state highway markers used the Old Man on its design (and still do) .

Unfortunately, due to several factors, the structure collapsed in May of 2003. Several attempts were made to create a replica but were shot down for several reasons, many of THOSE obvious reasons. Realistically, you couldn’t reconstruct history as if it were a Lego block. Let memories take over and give the Old Man a decent burial. Wise.

I was fortunate enough to see the structure before it collapsed and it was truly a geological fascination. My own memories are positive and make me glad I could see nature come alive.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Old Mudlark of the Mountain is calling in the last people you would think would be part of this schism on the football team. C’mon, Gil, if you’re going to get pissy-faced over football players establishing their own agendas, you get to the heart of the problem. Blaming Dennis the Menace and Ruff for the catfight between Marcia Brady and Jan Brady isn’t really going to get anywhere. We haven’t seen Charlie Roh and Chance Macy for any more than a cup of coffee and when we do, they’re being sent to the lions over the finger-pointing that Will Thayer and Terry Rapson instigated in the first place. God almighty, what a plot-starter (as if we can stomach another one in a long line of plot stubs) . Chet Ballard is back with a vengence. And he proves it by calling Gil at midnight at a phone booth, using one of his socks to disguise his voice, on a deserted Milford 7-11.

“Yeah, Coach? You don’t know me but I caught Charlie and Chance sitting apart from each other at a volleyball match. And that caused Will and Rapp to flip each other off and sit on opposite ends of the scorer’s table. Me? Just call me a friend.”

I hope they throw the book at you, Chet.

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Old Mudlark Of The Mountain Collapses Just Shy Of O.J.’s Condo Suite Property!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Dude, I heard some heavy rumbling and I asked my neighbor, why are buffalo stampeding Milford????”

Gil, if you want to deal with the cliques on your team, you address it IN PRACTICE!!!!!!! Dumbass, you don’t call people out of class to deal with a problem that needs to get settled between the lines. Sure, there’s times to encourage players to show up at games as a unit because you do want them thinking in the same direction. And some coaches make that mandatory. I agree wholeheartedly.

But A) My nephew’s cross-country team showed up at football games in a different section from, say, the girls basketball team. They STILL supported each other. B) Your team is sitting in different sections stemming from issues you chose to neglect until Mimi broached the subject over coffee and Edy’s Low Sugar Chocolate Ice Cream. Some teams pull together at the time of kickoff while yours is sniping at each other AT SOMEBODY ELSE’S GAME. How in the name of Jerry Pulver do you expect them to join forces when it counts????

And pulling players out of Biology Lab Class is going to instantly fix the issue???? Charlie Roh was identifying body parts on a dead pig he dissected before the student assistant dropped him a note from Coach Thorp instructing him to drop what he’s doing and get his butt to his office pronto???? Just don’t drop that dead pig on the floor on your way out, Charlie. You can identify the duodenum later.

And how far do you go with this, Gil? Are you going to make players run laps because one player’s family reunion was at one shelter area while the other player’s family reunion like the event closer to the river???? Pull them out of French where they were conjugating the subjunctive case only to inform them that they have to do 100 knuckle push-ups because players sat in different parts of Milford Cineplex at the matinee showing of “Bambi”? Better not divide the group of football players into 2 tour groups at Mammoth Cave. Gil will have you doing 1000 wind sprints in the parking lot when you exit the cave.

THAT’S WHAT PRACTICE IS FOR, OLD MUDLARK OF THE MOUNTAIN!!!!!! Well, I’ll concede you couldn’t pull ’em out of gym class. Not when it’s YOUR gym class. Heaven forbid.

If Old Mudlark of the Mountain collapses and lands on yore modular but yore renter’s insurance covers a replacement modular and yuz able ta continue takin’ showers in the new’n ta wipe the grease off yore hind end and shave the butt hairs in the bargain, ya might be a redneck.

Gang, I don’t know what you think but this is one of the lost “Leave it to Beaver” episodes. Wally and Beaver are on the Milford Little League team and they attend the school play (“As You Like It”) and the team sits close to the orchestra section while Beaver is nowhere near, discovered by the assistant principal in the senior citizens area.

“Golly, Beav, how could you be such a dope? When Dad finds out you were behind the popcorn machine, you’re gonna get clobbered.”

The extent of any crisis in Beaver’s world. Or Mudlarkland. Same difference.

At the Milford Comedy Club Open Mike Night

“…and The Beaver asked Wally, ‘I lost my lunch money in the smoothie blender. Could you spare some until this Friday?’ And Wally said, ‘What do I look like, Old Mudlark of the Mountain that dropped off the mountain and crushed The Bucket Drive-In cars????'”

A keg spigot can be heard

“Well, hey, it’s Coach Thorp’s first night. He’s a little nervous. He’ll knock ’em dead this Friday…”

And whattup with P2 anyway???? They get these notices in P1 wondering who in the name of ‘Watha could be paging them and for what purpose

“Is The Mayor going to pull off a FOOTBALL scrimmage? Do we need to bring our pads? Is Jay’s Subs catering again? Their reuben sub didn’t agree with me. Almost got food poisoning.”

But nooooooooooo, Old Man with the Mouth has to weigh in his two bits after getting a virtual nagging from his wife the night before. Yes, Honey, I’ll get some milk and eggs at the store and talk to the team about there being no “I” in the word “Bleachers”. And I’ll take out the trash later this evening.

And why do the players feel the need to deliver a short list of who was there, who was sitting with them, where they were sitting? What do you want me to do, Coach, have a clipboard handy at the Steve Miller Band concert at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater? Sure, we all lit our Zippos in unison demanding an encore. We were all dancing together when Steve performed “Jungle of Love”. With the girls, naturally. We’re a team but we’re teenagers.

Coach, you’re not only accusing A.J. Foyt of being the getaway driver for Pretty Boy Floyd when you call in Charlie and Chance, did you expect them to yank out a who’s who roster at the volleyball match out of their lunch box? OR the Steve Miller concert.

“Chance and Charlie, I want a compendium of everybody who was in attendance at Milford VFW Post 158 for the Lawrence Welk Halloween Hootenanny, typed and double-spaced.”

Where’s my Turabian “Elements of Style”? This might take a while.

P3 just absolutely takes the cake. Beaver and Wally are in trouble because they don’t know where Eddie Haskell and Lumpy Rutherford were sitting? Gil, this isn’t a pop quiz. Shoot, this isn’t the principal’s office. Some schmuck on the football team is going to get due-processed from school because he didn’t know if his teammates were sitting in the nose-bleed seats? Yeah, lay the paddle on the next kid who can’t recite the section, row, and seat number of the guy sitting next to him. Be sure to get a witness. You know how procedures can be.

Earth to Gil, that’s what PRACTICES ARE FOR!!!!!!!!!!!! You already have two pimples on your butt, Thayer and Rapp but you address the problem by putting more fluoride in your toothpaste. God, no wonder why you lost a couple of weeks ago. If somebody farted, you’d get to the root of the stench by spraying Endust. Yeah, it solve a problem or two but you still have problems lingering.

Competition is healthy and the Rapp-Thayer stand-off could make for a better team if handled right (Don’t leave an opening, T. Drew) . But Chance and Charlie are about as team as you’re gonna get. They ended the competition by playing better. Now end your own self-destructive rat race by coaching better.

Overheard by a couple of tourists at Old Mudlark of the Mountain State Park

“Where’s Gil face? It was there a minute ago.”

“Crap. And I had the camera loaded.”

“And we’ll be back to see if that locker room tirade did any good. The football team heard an earful based on what I heard through the wall. Hopefully, that might light a fire in the volleyball team. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Folks, it’s scary when a team is not pulling in the same direction, isn’t it? When you see two mules heading in opposite directions for a bale of hay when, if they’d sit down and talk about it, they’d head in the same direction and both would get a generous portion of the pie, er, bale of hay. That’s what I would do if I were a mule. And when mules sit together in the bleachers, they can make a lot of noise. It might distract the volleyball team to see how mules got in the bleachers in the first place but you learn to tune out the crowd anyway.

But I’m not here to talk about mules heckling the opposing team. Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. And do we have a problem. Studies performed by the Milford Community College Medical School have turned up some alarming statistics in relation to people’s health. The studies noted that 81% of the general populace in Milford will not get a colon screening because of the fear of discovering cancer in their bodies. People perish for lack of information, don’t you know.

Now, Folks, Yours Truly has had one done thanks to the latest promo engineered by The Warehouse. The Good People here were concerned about losing customers over needless suffering so they joined forces with the Milford Minor Medical Clinic to assuage the fears and paranoia that pervade when a colon screening is suggested. And they enlisted my help so that the masses could see that if Coach Thorp can take a few minutes out of his busy schedule from teaching his own kids how to look the putt all the way to the pin to undergo preventive medicine, by gum, the masses would shout “Sign me up!!!!!!!”. You should have seen the line.

But The Warehouse wants to sweeten the pot by offering you its best merchandise and still make sure your innards are alive and well. That’s why the Milford Minor Medical Clinic will be here for the next two weeks waiting for you to let it all hang out.

And what better way than to purchase Busch Light in the 30-Pack 12 Fluid Ounce cans for a ridiculous price of $18.99, then once you have made your purchase, you’ll get a voucher to earn a free colonoscopy. That’s right, The Warehouse has cleared some space by the Cheetos display to put down a couple of beds. My goodness, they just stick a plastic tube up your butt after they’ve euthanized you and before you know it, if the medical team doesn’t find any polyps, you can walk out with booze and piece of mind. C’mon, save that $20 bill you were going to tip the lawn maintenance man with and take care of your health. Sorry, they won’t numb you with the booze you just purchased.

Some of you feel comfortable lying on a table and getting scanned. No problem. The doctors borrowed the EMT ambulance from the Milford Fire Department and constructed a temporary sofa. And with a purchase of Jim Beam Bourbon in the 1.75 Liter bottle for a price you’d pay Milford Powerball, you can lie in LaLa Land while the nurses use the latest advanced radioactive technology to detect any lumps in your descending colon or ascending colon. Dang, I didn’t know there were so many colons. I knew I should have studied harder on my 5th Grade Health Final.

Then there’s some of you who want to take the Fecal Immunochemical Test. In plain English, you poop in a cup and the doctors test your sample. Thank goodness, Port-a-Pot gave in on that final concession and and allowed unlimited number of stalls in the parking lot. I don’t blame some people. I wouldn’t want to take a poop test if there were people already lined up at the bathroom. This way, you’re guaranteed free access to the throne or The Warehouse will throw in a free can of Milford Vending Beer Nuts to go along with the required purchase of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay at a poopy $10.97. Shoot, for that price, I’ll be headin’ to the nearest stall and dead-bolting the door. Just hope it has toilet paper. Hard to do a poop test without Mr. Whipple.

And there’s some of you who want to have litmus paper determine the deal. For a $39.99 purchase of Jack Daniels, you can have doctors employ a special kind of paper that sends chemicals to the affected area. Because these chemicals are extensive, they can send a reading back up through your esophagus and be accurate at that in as little as 5 minutes. Geez, isn’t it nice that you can get stoned softly with her song and run a strong chance that the only lumps you have is the one in your throat? I’ll get stoned like that tonight when I put the kids to bed.

Folks, what more can I say? Get your booze and your colon both in one piece and be able to live a long life thanks to both of them and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

If Dad finds out you took a poop test without any toilet paper, you’re gonna get clobbered.

Otherwise, God bless you, Gang.

“Now, Beaver, if you and Wally and your other teammates promise to sit together during the school recital of “Les Miserables”, I promise to take you all to Opening Night of “Deep Throat: The Sequel” at Milford Cineplex.”

“Gee, Dad, you’re swell.”

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Museum of Natural History To Reconstruct Gil’s Face From Remaining Fragments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Museum Spokesperson: ‘This could take a while.”

November 9, 2020

Hip Dysplasia, Something Terrible

Today we get just a tiny glimpse at Mimi’s approach to coaching volleyball. She’s very focused on the arrangement of spectators and prefers all twelve people at the game to sit in a tight group. Beyond that, we’re all still in the dark.

It’s a good thing Gil has sway over everything that everyone at Milford High does and that Mimi can feed him chocolate ice cream and engage him in her seating arrangement dilemma. Of course ol’ Gil’s gonna do something about it. Umm, what the hell is up with Gil and Mimi’s legs in panel one? Their position relative to their respective torsos is insane.

I don’t know who the students in panel 3 are. I don’t know what gender they are. A day in Milford doesn’t go by without somebody doing something terrible. This is probably about seating in the gym, but what do these randos have to do with it?

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