This Week in Milford

September 15, 2018

Oh Snap!

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Since we’ve dropped the non sequitur about student film buffs and Chekov’s crosswalk for the moment, let’s turn our attention to the practice field where Gil and his staff are turning their attention to special teams.  Let’s break down what we’re seeing here:

  1. Steve Boone is looking younger every year. Must be all that blood going to his cheeks that doesn’t have to go to his left arm anymore.  Oops, did I just say that out loud?
  2. Speaking of left arms, what the hell is going on with Gil’s? Is he supposed to be cupping his hand to his mouth or his ear? Is he signaling for a first down or is that one of those once-innocuous hand gestures that’s now some kind of secret white supremacist code signal?
  3. Sam Finn was a backup at guard for a certain greasy-haired Mudlark who shall remain nameless last season. He’ll probably get more touches than said greasy-haired player this season which leads me to…
  4. Do kids really start specializing as long snappers in high school?  Does Milford, which had to play a female ex-trainer at tight end last season, really have the kind of depth for that?  They apparently don’t have anyone who knows how to punt, which does occasionally happen on high school teams. Can Gil still not convince any soccer players to come out for the team?
  5. Why has Gil yet to retire  the jersey number of his unicorn in football cleats?

metapost: If any of you TWIMers out there live in the path of Hurricane/Tropical Storm Florence, please check in and let us know you’re okay.  Most of teenchy’s friends and fam in Bakst country are doing fine, some without power but none with major property damage or yet displaced from their homes.  Fingers crossed…

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September 14, 2018

Oh buddy you’ve got more then 2 problems

Panel 1 features 2 guys talking to each other while not looking at each other. And the paint scheme didnt go too well, so why the HELL are we wasting panel space on it?? 10 minutes of watching kids paint. Really scintilating television. I’m signing up for the Milford Channel asap. Then the cops show up. Boy thats a surprise. Blocking off a street for say, a block party, requires written approval from your local authorities. You cant just take a horse and stick it in the middle of a street. Hey, maybe I’ll block off Michigan Avenue for a protest tomorrow. How you think that’ll go? 10 minutes? Maybe 5.

Aaand back at football, the boys are stretching while Big Yellow Hair Guy finishes Gils sentence. They do that a lot in this strip. One person says something and the other one finishes the thought. How often does that happen in real life? My guess is –no kicker, and no punter, and the solution is– use a lineman to do both. They used to do that all the time in the pros. Paul Hornung was a punter as well as a halfback. Who was Joe Recichar? He held the NFL record for the longest field goal made, at 58 yards, until Tom Dempsey broke it with a 63-yarder. Recichar was a lineman for the Colts. (Dempseys record has since been broken) I once answered a trivia contest in the local newspaper regarding that fact, and had my name in the paper. Cool.

 

September 13, 2018

The Ides of Morons

Filed under: What the hell is going on here? — tdrewhardin @ 3:47 pm

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Wellllll, we’re lost forever

In a black sedan

Retching from this hopeless plot

 

The engine’s smoking

And the brakes are squealing

And the tires are damn near shot

 

A bad vehicle, Baby

And it’s only just begun

A bad vehicle, Baby

Someone fetch me the nearest gun

 

We don’t

LOVE IT (love it)

NEED IT (need it)

WANT IT (want it)

CRAVE IT (crave it)

 

Thank God in Heaven it’s only for 3 months

 

Hoo boy. Let’s talk about me for a minute, to start off “Vulture Culture” from the Alan Parsons Project. What a way to kick off the football plot by observing teenagers illegally (the barricade was stolen, c’mon) kneeling in the street, attempting to imitate Arp. Well, do you go to Sherwin Williams and get those gloppy horse-bristly paintbrushes to do justice to Monet or Matisse? Right, you’re getting the idea. You simply block off a street, running the risk of rush-hour traffic and display your neo-Abstractionist-post-Georgian-Greco-Iberian-pre-Hungarian-Impressionist-Italian-Romanitic-Movement-Deutshcheklassischezeit-Sino-Vedic-Paint-by-Numbers side of you with the right tools. No Crayolas on this project, nosirrreee.

What this has to do with football is still a matter. Has anyone SEEN a football so far? We’ve seen more paintbrushes. Maybe they oughta hock more barriers and line ’em up around the football field. They might run away with the Conference championship, all due to stolen merchandise.

 

Off same album mentioned above

 

Somebody out there

Wasting my time

Somebody out there

Comm-itt-ing a crime

If it wins the bacon

It was worth every dime

For somebody out there

 

Gil playing the strange-sounding xylophone on the song, reported to be Mimi’s spice jars.

 

And, gang, I’m having a REAL problem with DOWNTOWN MILFORD. Like the Empire State Building is next to Milford High School. And Wall Street is down the pipe from The Pail. Is the Brooklyn Bridge catacorner to WDIG Studio?

I hear the song from The Church, off “Gold Afternoon Fix”, “…back in Metropolis, where nothing can ever topple us…” Ummmmmm, no.

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Mudlarks Trounce Oakwood, 63-0, for the Crown!!!!!!!!!”

Headline on p.17

“Milford Highway Department Investigating Rash of Stolen Equipment”

 

 

HIS BOY ELROY

JANE HIS WIFE

“Next, stay tuned as Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw dukes it out with The Wild One and his motorcycle gang as they make a pit stop in Milford. Watch as he confronts the leader and starts a conflagration when he asks the leader how he eventually wound up as The Godfather. Will they burn down the Mudlark gym and ruin Homecoming? Find out only on WDIG-TV.”

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw pulls over a motorcycle with Harley-Davidson logos all over the jacket. Only a Christmas tree is decorated more.

“May I see your driver’s license?”

The driver takes off helmet.

“Dr. Pearl, I caught you going 75 in a 25MPH school zone. You’re aware that you’re not to tear down here even when children AREN’T present?”

“Sure.”

“Any reason why you did it?”

“I’m sorry, I was in the bathroom when the Wild One and his Gang left the Milford Waffle House and I was trying to catch up with them so I could get in free at the Milford/Oakwood football game via Wild One punching in the ticket-taker’s face (“I hate ticket windows, especially at Milford”). We wanted to get front row seats and early dibs on the Junior Mints, Laffee-Taffee, Lemonheads, stale Jiffy-Pop Popcorn and Chuckles at the concession stand. The Wild One promised he’d dump the Cotton Candy man in the garbage can right in front of my eyes. He’s my hero.”

“Where’s your husband?”

“He went to visit his 99-year-old mom in a nursing home in another state. Just thought I’d drag my old apparel from my ’20’s when I was dating The Wild One back in ’54. School separated us and he changed his name to Don Corleone.  Reliving old times.”

_____________________________________________

“About to wrap this up. I just gave her a warning and sent her to Defensive Driving classes for a couple of Saturdays. Told her to watch her speed and I’d let her expired tag go if I could get The Wild One’s autograph, when he was done pushing around Gil and Kaz, of course.”

 

If ya held out for more money as a star QB for yore NFL team becuz ya wanted Milford Towing & Hauling rollbacks to have exclusive rights ta luggin’ yore pick-up truck when it breaks down on some rural route that only combines drag race on and/or kin be easily identified by Mr. Green Jeans on the GPS, ya might be a redneck.

 

Big shout-out to Freddy Johnson of Middletown, Kentucky. Your smile is contagious and you always stay in the fight as you go to your classes and fellowship at Fern Creek/Highview United Ministries, Inc. in Fern Creek, Kentucky. I can tell that you enjoy going and it is paying off as you look better every time I see you. Spike Lee was right. Do The Right Thing. You have chosen to do just that, My Man. Gang, the next time you see Freddy, treat him with respect. He’s earned it.

 

Oooooooooookkkkkkk, it’s time for Match Game 2018 (didn’t you old-timers like that funky bass when they played the theme song or when the celebrities were filling out their answers with that giant Magic Marker?) and you know what that means. Gene Rayburn is steppin’ to the mike, ready to rock. You got the floor, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE????), she thought if she pulled Tiki’s ____________, his car would fire up.

 

And the Batmobile makes a return appearance in P2 as crime-fighting works up an appetite. Batman and Robin, when they’re not hobnobbing with the teenagers to promote good will between Gotham City High School (The Appleknockers) and the Mudlarks, they’re chowing down on the Triple Bucket Cheeseburger with Buffalo Bucket Fries and cole slaw. The Liver Cheeseburger causes constipation problems with Batman and he ran out of anti-digestive-system-blocking Bat Flatulator. Not that what they’re eating might not cause problems once they re-enter the Bat Cave (Aunt Harriett: “Alfred, what is that AWFUL smell?” “Oh, nothing, madam, I just fed the kitty a bit too much Tender Vittles”). Anyway, you can’t have the opposite problem, an empty stomach. Nope, can’t fight The Joker and his technicalities when their stomach’s growling.

 

 

Welllll, I’m playing football

In a cracked sedan

And I’m throwing incomplete

 

The piston’s blowing

And the offense stalling

Mired in chewed-through bucket seats

 

A bad vehicle, Baby

With a lame-ass quarterback

A bad vehicle, Baby

Right down to my 8-track

 

We don’t

LOVE IT (love it)

NEED IT (need it)

WANT IT (want it)

CRAVE IT (crave it)

 

Thank God in Heaven the car’s in Gil’s back yard.

 

Then there’s Lisa Shaffer of Jeffersonville, Indiana. Your respect for people is evident and I can tell you’ve done A LOT for other people. We had a great conversation yesterday as you helped me sort out a lot of problems that were piling up by the minute. That’s how the world goes’ round, gang. Lisa, you’ve made this life better with your kind heart and compassion and I salute you. Don’t ever change. We still need you.

 

“Ah, Peaches, ya gotta hand it to me. I managed to sneak this bus into Mudlark Lake Resort and nobody’s coming to this trailhead anytime soon. Only people who hiked the Appalachian Trail dare come up here and hike Lost Mudlark Kentucky Coffee Tree Trail. And as long as we’re on a roll, let’s do it Nature’s Way.”

“Oh, Marty, I LOVE how you talk dirty.”

“I even covered the videocam with this Cracker Jack box I found on the ground.  They’ll never find us. Plus, I am helping the environment in more ways than one.”

“Oh, Nature Boy, save me from extinction.”

Marty drops his pants.

Nature Boy went to sleep with wood, with apologies to ZZ Top.

“Marty, there’s something else they’ll never find. In fact, they’ll have to send out a search party on this one.”

“Peaches, let me tell you ’bout the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and this thing called love.”

“Marty, you need to buy some Raid, there’s so many roaches in your nest. The facts of life were overrun by bugs at Little Big Horn.”

“Peaches, I’m going to the cell block next to Mr. Bader if they catch me with this contraption. I’m still trying to find a way to sneak it past the security guard. Now’s not the time to pick my brains like this.”

“I’d rather pick that than the dead tulip between your legs. If we get caught by the Mudlark Ranger, I’m not going to tell him how much I was enjoying myself. I don’t want to get an extra citation tacked on my record for perjury.”

“Oh, great, not only am I a fugitive from the law but we’re stuck out here in the middle of nowhere where I could get eaten by a cougar or a bear.”

“At least they’d put you out of your misery with that lifeless appendage attached to you. I wouldn’t go outside. You might get dragged down by the flat tire.”

“Watch me.”

A few minutes later

Peaches hears OMIGOD!!!!!!!!! somewhere in the vicinity of the Lost Mudlark Kentucky Coffee Tree Trailhead sign-in sheet mounted on a stand made from a catalpa tree.

She hears running that sounds desperate and indeed dragging as Marty FINALLY makes it back to hocked vehicle.

“What happened, Nature Boy?”

“PEACHES, I SAW A BEAR AND IT WAS GONNA EAT ME. PLEASE LET ME FALL INTO YOUR LOVING ARMS AND LET’S SPEND THE REST OF THE NIGHT AWAY IN BLISSFUL UNION EVEN IF YOU’RE CARRYING THE LOAD!!!!!!!!!!”

Peaches can’t withstand the blubbering that is profusely gushing out of Marty  at one end that she wishes was gushing out the other end and is prepared to do her duty as a woman.

Until she sees a skunk running across the parking area.

 

“Face it, men. I was in a no-win situation. Having to bribe the maintenance man to take the mini-bus back and sneak it behind the auxiliary parking lot just cleaned my wallet. I could have spent that money at the Milford Men’s Clinic and still be able to find a way to smuggle it back without the extra luggage of no Peaches for the rest of the weekend. Watching her speed off to her mother was not a sight to see. Save yourself the trouble and come to the Milford Men’s Clinic today. They’ll restore your sex life better than the birds and the bees can do. And you don’t have to get directions to the Lost Mudlark Kentucky Coffee Tree Trail to get satisfaction to boot. I know I’d like to leave my hiking boots at home when I’m with Peaches. Check ’em out today.”

 

Shout-out to Michelle Erhard and William Trice(had to squeeze this one in, gang). You have shown wisdom and courage in your more-than-victorious battle with alcohol. The fact that you crusade against people who choose to let alcohol rule their lives has my blessing. Gang, pray for these people and give them the respect and love they need. Everybody needs a cavalry behind them and they’re no exceptions. They deserve one and then some. God Bless you both.

 

Gang, it’s your turn. Just no Picasso on the streets, please, if you help our friends. “The 3 Musicians might be out of place on Main Street (yes, I know it’s a SIDE STREET but don’t ruin the joke).

 

 

Welllllll, I’m at The Pail

In my tacky sedan

Ordering a PBJ quiche

 

Still explaining

To the guys around me

Why my crate needs a frickin’ leash

 

A bad vehicle, Baby

Overhaul this plot and car

A bad vehicle, Baby

Neither one will get real far

 

We don’t

LOVE IT (love it)

NEED IT (need it)

WANT IT (want it)

CRAVE IT (crave it)

 

Thank God in Heaven

You know the Milford Recycling Centrum

Abuts the higghhhhhh

Schoooooo-ooooooo-ooooooolll.

September 12, 2018

Frank Gehry’s Fast Food Masterpiece

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If you’re not knocked off balance by panels one and two, in which the architect of The Bucket tells Euclid to piss off, then the shifting narrative and stilted dialogue (plus mystery girl in panel two) shouldn’t present too much more of a challenge to parse.

For myself, I can confess nothing but disappointment that we aren’t getting another chance to continue talking about the shitty cars we drove in high school (and/or are driving presently). As it stands, I suppose we’ll have to wait until tomorrow to understand why these characters are being introduced.

Bonus question: Why is the strip’s date inserted front and center of panel two?

September 11, 2018

“Don’t Let The Insurance Companies Gouge You On Your Sorry Piece Of Crap.”

Filed under: big arms, lessons learned, Milford Idiots, The Bucket, The Legend of Joe Sharkey — tdrewhardin @ 3:44 pm

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“Hi, I’m attorney Joe Sharkey with Sharkey and Sons. You might have remembered me from the ’70’s when I could hit the ball a ton but the plotlines ruined my career. Things happen. But they SHOULDN’T happen to you. I might have lost 2 fingers but I sued the sawmill company and live in a nice subdivision, Mudlark Chase, for my efforts. You can live on Easy Street too for your lost appendages. If you or your loved one have been injured in a car accident or your automobile winds up like P2 where you can’t tell the difference between that and Archie’s Jalopy, call The Shark today at 1-FON-THE-JAWS. Insurance companies are hard at work making sure you get no more than your hand can handle out of a gumball machine. Let us fight for you and get you the money you deserve.”

“Hi, I’m Melba Hateley and my back was thrown out when Marty Moon backed a Milford Mini-Transit bus out of Milford Beverage Warehouse and rammed my Mo-Ped. I was getting a dried prune liqueur after a hard day at Milford Foundry when Mr. Moon forgot to check his blind spot in order to make up for lost time after being held up in line in the Warehouse on his lunch break. He was so determined to get his Vodka and run, he rear-ended me and threw me several feet, almost winding up in the Milford Sanitation Truck. I was in the hospital for several weeks from my injury plus a couple more days from Milford General Hospital Garbage Removal and Dermal Disinfecting Procedures. I needed just compensation for my lost wages. Thank God for The Shark.”

“Just remember, one call, THAT’S ALL.”

 

Well, gang, I think you can deduce where I’m going with this one. P2 just got the ball rolling and took things out to orbit.
Thanks for the tip, Tiki. I needed a few pointers on how to break the ice with people I’ve just met. Show ’em my ’69 Ford Mercury 400 V-8 that’s holed up at Milford Scrap Metal, Inc., explaining how I’m going to maneuver this vehicle out of the yard in time for the Milford High School Prom next Spring. “And the winner, for 2 tickets to the Milford Imax Theater, for the vehicle most likely to be sold piece-by-piece on E-Bay…”

 

Tonight at 8, MST (Mudlark Standard Time), catch all the action as Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw battles the streets of Milford to harness drug traffic caused by a gang of Mudlark punks. Will he make it out alive in time for the next film session? Stay tuned for another exciting episode right after The Jetsons right here on WDIG-TV.”

 

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw steps of his Texas Mudlark Ranger Cruiser after pulling over a mini-van with 5 teenagers.

“I need to see your driver’s license and registration.” as he spits towards the road. He has made the mistake of expectorating his Red Man Bubble Yum chaw towards a serial killer on the lam before (“Whoops, sorry”, holding off the psycho’s urge to pull his Colt .45 from under the seat, especially when Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw handed him a Bounty-the quick picker-upper).

Items are given to Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw. Everything is in order, down to the VIN.

“I have a search warrant on a suspicion of your smuggling electronic cigarettes across the county, part of a ring from Milford to Oakwood.”

“Sir, we just came from football practice. If you’d been there, you’d know.”

Trying to recover face that’s been lost now and for 60 years

“Yeah, well, what’s that in your cup holder?”

“Those are candy cigarettes, peppermint and lemon-lime. Want one? Besides, we’re not allowed to eat something after a grueling practice?”

Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw never accepts bribes, plus it wouldn’t mix well with his chaw, getting nasty images of him spitting THAT combo on the road and heads back to his squad car. Later, on his cell phone to HQ

“I think we can close the book on this one” as he nukes a raccoon in the parking lot of the Milford General Baptist Church with his chaw.

AS closing credits on the show appear on the screen, Texas Ranger Studman Machomaniac Kent Walker Shaw is seen returning to his original identity, sipping Milford 7-11 Diet Cherry Cappuccino while dissecting game film with Coach Kaz, the kittycat meowing in the MTM Enterprises logo (spinoff from the Mary Tyler Moore Show?-no way) signifying the show is FINALLY over-well, until the next blow anyway.

 

P1: Who knows what lurks in the minds of teenage boys with nothing but nasty cars in their possession that he perhaps hot-wired in a farmer’s pig-sty somewhere, fresh with pig doo-doo in the trunk? And is willing to divulge and share with his friends so that his friends too might be dragged down on the vessel Charon to share the same fate as Proserpina? Where souls suffer day and night because Marty isn’t there from the Milford Transit Authority even if Marty flunked the oral portion of the B License exam because he forgot to memorize the weight of a B vehicle per se? They can no longer make fun of his slamming on the brakes at an intersection because the Thorp kids got too careless in the streets? THE SHADOW KNOWS.

That, or it’s a murder scene of Frankenstein. Hope the Milford Police had plenty of “Do Not Cross” tape on that one.

 

 

And of course, I drew a blank just when that next Classic Comedy Schtik, a la Moby Dick or Great Expectations was ready to emanate from my brain. Just not my day, gang.

And I’m just a little antsy over WHO SHOT COACH SHAW? Maybe that’s the reason the ideas flow until they hit the floodwall. Yeah, that’s it. My Christian Conscience is stemming the spark of creativity. Don’t let Do The Right Thing get trumped from artistic expression.

 

If ya bought a car because ya got a fetish for a beat-up sorry-ass-excuse-for-a-car-ta-drive-ta-work-on-third-shift-at-the-Milford-Foundry but ya kick the tires just ta make shore ya git thar, ya might be a redneck.

 

Okay, gang, back by popular demand, Gene Rayburn is back at the helm for Match Game 2018 ready for you to keep those wits a-blazin’. We’re ready, Gene.

Dumb Dora was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb (HOW   DUMB   WAS  SHE?????), she thought Tiki meant______________ in  Micropolynesian.

 

Shout-out to Elizabeth Thompson in Louisville, Kentucky. She goes to school as a volunteer to help tutor and make sure kids get their lunches and offer encouragement, especially to the underprivileged kids. This is a much-needed service and the best thing is it’s FREE. Elizabeth, the kids lack something when you’re not there. Keep being that parent that perhaps some of these kids don’t have and keep nagging them to aspire to greater heights. They’ll thank you for it when they get older. God Bless you in your efforts.

 

Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Cleared of Charges in Coach Shaw Shooting!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Key witnesses confirm he was at a Jehovah’s Witness Convention in Richmond, Virginia; plus, the gloves to the weapon were several sizes too small and used for gardening.”

 

A shout-out is in order for Better Bargains on Cane Run Road and Lower Hunter’s Trace Road in Louisville, Kentucky. They have great buys on many items, including chips and drinks. Just walk in the door and you’ll see a display case with nothing BUT chips. Love it. They have several grocery items reasonably priced not to mention a few goodies (yum yum!!!!!) like Hostess and Little Debbie. Skip the Wal-Mart route and come on down and indulge. The staff has ALWAYS been nice and friendly to me and that just tops off my feelings towards this place. Gang, if you’re in the neighborhood, stop on in. Support small businesses. You NEED a place where everybody knows your name.

 

And I’m not EVEN going to comment on P3. People in the graveyard behind The House of the Seven Gables KNOW it’s The Bucket, NOT The Pail. Stuuuu-pid. That’s right, Ren, tell Stimpy that it’s The Bucket, NOT THE PAIL.

 

“Well, Coach, sounds like another runaround session to me. And we’ll be back for some final thoughts after this. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Lear Field
Sports.”

 

“Man, I’m like James Brown!!!!!!!!! I FEEEEEELLLLLL GOOD!!!!!!!!!! No more ridin’ around in that wheelchair like the pony at the Milford Wal-Mart!!!!!!!! I’m ready to tackle the world!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Great, Honey, you can tackle me first!!!!!!!!!”

“Blubba, blooba, bleeba, I might fumble the snap. Plus, I wasn’t good at the wraparound technique when I played. Hit ’em like a ton of bricks and hope they fall like a set of dominoes.”

“Well, you can jump on this player once you’ve knocked her cold. It’s not as if I’m returning the fumble for a 99-yard-score.”

“I wasn’t very fast. By the time they were at the 20-yard-line on the other end, I just went to the bench and doused myself with the water bottle”

“You still have to get up for the handshake after the game.”

“Glippy glop gloopy, ippy oppy, ooppy, la la la lo lo, I was a poor sport. If we didn’t win by at least 35, I hit the showers behind the Coach’s back. I had no respect for a bunch of sissies, especially when they played like girls.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What do you mean? I got all the paperwork filled out for that unicorn tag during bow season. I even dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s.”

“The female end of things?”

“I’ll have to check Doe Season on unicorns,especially with a handgun. I’m not certain if you can use a Sig Sauer. I didn’t find that in the huntin’ manual.”

“I’m a girl, Honey.”

Coach Shaw scratches head in slight confusion

“You’re not listed in any season. I could have sworn I didn’t see you. I’ll write a letter to the Game Warden.”

 

“Well, as you can see, I did a poor rendition of ‘Hair’ and I just flat out didn’t see the horns from the unicorns. When Coach Kaz showed me where the Milford Men’s Clinic was on the Milford Mall map, I got there and boy, did they open my eyes to all the treatment plans available. My erections showed me YOU ARE HERE and we went from there to Xanadu. To stand within the Pleasure Dome, indeed. I never read this Colby Jack Taylor but he musta got erections by the bucketful in that cave he found. But, men, you don’t gotta go to Mammoth Cave for you to get it on at the Holiday Inn Express with your honey. Stop in at the Milford Men’s Clinic today. Eliminate the bats in your cave and free your significant other. You’ll be glad you did.”

Gang, you’re on. My dad is going to tow the car to our core business and see how much we can sell to Jasper Engines. They always need used parts.

 

“Hello, I’m Spud Witherspoon. My hearing went tone-deaf after The Pirate Network blew a load at Marty Moon. I got a settlement with TPN after I lost my job on the Milford & Oakwood Express as a conductor because my hearing went all to Hades. One day, the train almost collided with a Union Pacific because I couldn’t hear the train whistle, signalling take-off. I had to call The Shark. Now, I’m a new man after TPN paid for my Beltone and I got my job back after 6 months. No more landing the M & O on Gil’s back patio. And my lost wages paid for my son’s scholarship to Powell College, the same school Gil wussed out on.”

“You heard the man. If you’ve been injured in an accident, call 1-FON-THE-JAWS to get your share of the pie. One call, THAT’S All.”

 

Heard somewhere at the Milford Mall

“How ’bout the owner of the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club?”

“Negative. He was at the Milford Convention Center for the Billy Graham Crusade.”

September 10, 2018

Bonding Over Bondo

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Let’s get to know the team from the inside. We have a guy with an unfortunate, early onset bald spot holding a mysterious object. It looks like an overinflated remote control, but maybe it’s a shoe? Then there’s a shirtless guy who doesn’t really care.

We have return guest Andre Ruffin, who is rocking a very beautifully manicured Mohawk. Then there’s newcomer Tiki Jansen. See, he’s not Hawaiian at all. He’s T.K. Jansen, get it? That’s interesting character development!

The real substance of this character reveal is that Andre is very observant as to what kind of wheels people have and he has spotted Tiki rolling up in one of these*:

breeze

I can vaguely remember some mild car shaming happening back in high school, but I think I was in the same boat as most kids in that I took whatever I could get and was happy to not have to bum rides. In this case, Tiki has an 18 year old standard American made shitbox and he’s damned proud of its poor cosmetic condition.

*I wanted to use a contemporary picture of a 2000 Breeze still in the wild. The one pictured here is on sale in New Jersey if anyone is interested.

September 8, 2018

Thay You, Thay Me

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Coquettish smiles from Gil?  A “WTF is this?” hand gesture from Kaz?  Towel-snapping incidents in the showers?  Oh yeah, Tiki Jansen’s fitting in, alright.  It’s probably too soon to apply the True Standish Principle to young Jansen but he’s sure to have an impact somewhere before long. His ex-teammates at New Thayer probably won’t be expecting the veer this time.  Maybe Gil will have him help implement Steve Owen’s old umbrella defense, but not until mid-season after the Mudlarks have had their ears pinned back a couple of times.

I just played the Pantheon of Mysterious Objects card on what looks like an outdoor executive office chair behind Kaz or maybe a blocking sled, in which case I’d have expected to see Steve Boone riding it. (edit: Then again, it may be an indoor office chair, with Kaz standing awkwardly in front of it. Thanks, Tim. Text and tags adjusted accordingly.)

 

September 7, 2018

Take any Tiki!!

Filed under: Coach Kaz, freak hands, Gil Thorp, hands in the air, Pissy faced Marty — robmize2013 @ 7:43 pm

Apologies to the late Vincent Price for the title of todays post– in the Brady Bunch episode where they went to Hawaii and the boys run into him playing a professor who then ties them to the tikis in his cave; when he lets them loose and then tells them to return to them they randomly pick one and he then yells  “Take any tiki!”

Well there is no human named Tiki Jansen on Google but apparently he’s the potential starting QB for the Larks this year. So he aint any Tiki thats for sure. Marty takes the low road in P1, suggesting that if they dont have an all-star at the position, they are screwed. Maybe, but even if they arent, Gil will find a way to make it so, either by changing the offense mid-season or by under-coaching the rest of the unit so they cant function as one.

P2- is Gil comparing Tiki to a lottery ticket? Hmmm.. methinks he’s suggesting he knows damn well he got lucky in some way and its not one iota from his good coaching.

P3– Gil, what did cross your mind? Besides spiked lemonade and made-up golf tourneys?

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