This Week in Milford

July 26, 2021

Please, Call Me The Milford Star’s Marjie

Filed under: Make and Model Mystery Mobile, Marjie Ducey — nedryerson @ 6:11 am

The chance run-in between Heather Burns and The Milford Star’s Marjie Ducey continues. Marjie seems to have some inside knowledge of Heather’s prospects of getting hired at The Star. Marjie’s always seemed like a sensible person, not likely to blow smoke up someone’s butt. Maybe the job offer is a done deal. If this is the case and Heather has a paying job waiting for her, the next question is, will she still dick around with one of Gil’s unpaid coaching gigs. The obvious answer to that question should be, fuck no. Why bother with that? If she was really serious about being involved in coaching, why not do some graduate work in the collegiate ranks and actually build a legitimate resume? I suppose the counter argument would weigh the prospects of building a career in print journalism at this precarious time for that field, but still, Gil’s compensation package is going to be wanting compared to anything else. C’mon Heather, don’t be a chump.

I don’t know if today’s mystery car is the same as yesterday’s mystery car. Of course all the colors have changed (including Heather and Marjie’s clothing) and the usual discontinuous perspective is a given. The logo might be the current Nissan logo. I won’t speculate further because I’m just not a car guy. The other mystery is whether that license plate is an actual randomly lettered/numbered plate or just the standard MST 3K in substandard definition.

July 24, 2021

Heather Rennt (oder “Run Heather Run”)

I wished I could play soccer

I couldn’t, though I tried

I wished I could play football

I didn’t have the size

I am my daddy’s princess

He thinks I’m really grand

And when I was in high school

Played everything but band

I wish I was a writer

Who rakes in lots of green

I haven’t got a prayer

You know just what I mean

I wish I wasn’t desperate

To pay off student loans

I wish I could leave Milford

Who knows just where I’d roam?

Today’s strip is another clear example of Rubin’s horrifically poor pacing ability. Heather’s interview at the Star was featured in the first strip of this arc. If he drags out the hiring decision as long as he dragged out the Milford Library Board decision it’ll be mid-to-late August before she gets the offer – just in time for football season and wacky conflicts of interest. Watch the unpaid offensive line coaching assistant get paid to report on the team she assistant coaches! Watch her stonewall Marty Moon to keep WDIG from getting the inside scoop from the Milford locker room! Watch the Mudlark players give Heather the silent treatment for fear she’ll put anything they say in print!

If only this strip had the same time loop premise as the movie. Heather might’ve kept on running and knocked Marjie to the pavement. The subsequent skull fracture would’ve sidelined Marjie indefinitely and made the job all Heather’s.

meta: I added the “Make and Model Mystery Mobile” tag because I couldn’t figure out if the cinder block on wheels behind Marjie was a Scion xB or a Mercedes-Benz G-wagen. Thinking the latter sent me down a German rabbit hole that led me to the inspiration for today’s post.

July 23, 2021

Dirty thoughts

Filed under: Gil Thorp, Milford Alumni, Secret Thoughts — robmize2013 @ 9:53 pm

So Heathers dad is congratulating her on her new gig as assistant football coach, entirely hired over lemonade by a head coach who didnt know she was coming to the golf course in the first place and hadnt seen her in 4 years anyway. Sheesh, I know Tony LaRussa was hired over a cup of coffee 30 years after last managing the White Sox (I still have a soft spot in my heart for him after he brought a division title to my town for the first time even though he got pantsed in the playoffs; they wernt gonna lose to the Phillies in the World Series but couldnt get past the smarter Orioles) and like Jerry Reinsdorf, Gil isnt even interviewing anyone else for this position; but my god, how the hell does he know her level of coaching knowledge 4 years after last applying it?

I used to play the organ for a number of years, and lost interest gradually after high school. Other things came along etc. If you think I could sit down and play a song 4 years after I last touched the keyboard, I’d say you were nuts. And even Heather knows its not a “real” job. Sounds more like an internship. And in P3 we have her dads though balloon saying .. we’ll see how this gig affects the rest of your time when I can use you as I see fit….

Cant wait to find out what Pops has in mind!

July 22, 2021

I’m Just A Salesman In A Rock And Roll Band.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 7:55 am

I’m just a-wandering on the face of this course

Meeting so many people

Who are trying to be rich

And while I’m rambling I hear too many words

Ethics are broken

Their golf game’s a bitch

And if you want the wind of change to blow from your putts

And you’re the only other person to know

DON’T TELL ME

I’m just a salesman in a Rock and Roll band

Ah yes, I knew my Moody Blues wouldn’t let me down, coming from their classic Seventh Sojourn no less.

And being a Christian, I do not approve of gambling and therefore am not sure what these gentlemen are talking about in P1. That said, I realize not everybody is anti-gambling and as long as nobody foists it on me, you can gamble the night away for all I care. Therefore, I am really not familiar with what they are talking about but that’s par for the course in the world of Thorpiverse whether the topic is gambling or day care centers or world economics or cleaning the toilets at the WDIG stidios with industrial solvents with the industrial solvents won in the bet on #18 by Carter Hendricks when he was using a literal handicap (tuna finger, remember?) . And if anybody knows what they’re talking about, have at it in the Comments section. When the dust has settled, anything is open game when it comes to my wicked sense of humor and gambling is no exception.

I mean really, did we play strip golf just to win a cleaning solution in the end, as a quid pro quo fot being merciful? Keep your shirt on, just give me your Mr. Clean that’s in your trunk. Are there slot machines at each hole and if you couldn’t get it on the green in 4, well, I can always pray I’ll get 3 lemons in a row? I’d be wanting more than the Janitor in a Drum that’s wedged between your putter and your #9 iron. Playing for Tid-ee-Bowl is a noble venture bit if there’s coins falling on the floor, you better believe I’m picking them up off the ground. I’ll scrub my commode at a later date. Oh, I forgot, they playing Vegas game. Do not pass Go. Do not collect from Gil. Don’t even waste your time listening to him talk to Lou-Ann Poovie prate about how he thinks he can be the offensive coordinator after she coached Turtle Creek to the State Championship. Just put your money in the pot, tee off, shut up. Unless you win that hole, then collect your winnings. Then shut up.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Construction At The Milford Outdoor Amphitheater For The Moody Blues ‘Every Good Gil Deserves Heather Tour’ Shuts Down After Latest Snafu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“We informed Ms. Burns that our sound engineer can install the equipment without due guidance.”

We’re still getting over (an eternal process) Heather Burns barging back in our lives when suddenly we are confronted with 4 gentlemen that just fell out of the sky. It’s like The Brady Bunch storming in on the set of Mr. Ed.

“I’ll tolerate those uppity brats for a week, Wilburrrrrrrr, but Marcia and Jan ain’t sleepin’ in the barnnnnnnnnn.”

“Oh, Ed, have some compassion. Would you rather have Gil? Because you couldn’t sleep because he was snoring mercilessly half the night.”

So let’s probe a little deeper who these guys might be. Now anybody who has read Ray Bradbury is likely familiar with the story where this USA-led expedition to Mars lands on the very planet and discovers that the scenery is just like back home. In fact, many of their childhood friends and family are there to greet the members ofcyhe expedition. The captain of the mission is ready to court-martial his charges for disobeying orders but when his own friends and family approach him, he gradually sees why his crew got swept away. Problem is, the whole set-up turns out to be a trap set by malicious Martians who subsequently kill the captain and his crew in one fell swoop.

Now I could try to keep a straight face and say those gentlemen drinking Miller Lite from their bowling pins are Martians that have infiltrated Milford. God, no wonder why the one is a spitting image of Gil. They cloned him as the main weapon to stage a hostile takeover? And then who did Son of Gil drag along? One of the Oak Ridge Boys? Lost chunks of weight and went for the ponytail after watching Hank Snow try to don the same? Well, OK, but when Conway Twitty tried on that perm after years of the conventional look, he might as well have been a Martian. Imagine Gil (either one) attempting a perm or a ponytail and, well, you get the idea.

Then who are the other two guys? Yul Brynner goes golfing for dollars in his Westworld outfit? Careful, Son of Gil, the last person to jew him out of money because he lipped the cup wound up dead on the green at #18. I’d have my six-shooter ready so you don’t end up like James Brolin IN Westworld. I”d rather not see Richard Benjamin running from Yul all over MCC. And who is Gil’s partner? Maybe someone who got fired from Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass who needed some quick cash. Couldn’t play along with Herb on his own trumpet to “Spanish Flea” and is having to hustle for birdies. This guy’s a Martian and he and his Martian cohorts are taking over Milford under THOSE conditions?

Well, I guess it’s better than the guessing game we’ve engaged in at the outset of the plot. Like Carter Hendricks is a household name who just plops in on The Lucy Show after Lucy and Desi divorced. Maybe he can go work for Mr. Mooney at the bank.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Heated Words Flare Up During Moody Blues Rehearsal Of ‘The Other Side Of Life’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson: ‘Ms. Burns and John Lodge were in intense discussions over his bass-playing technique.”

A thousand dollars can be won from one stroke

Only how many partners

We got to agree

This stupid plot can lead in so many ways

Grab a clue where we’re going

What a help it would be

So if you want this game of yours

To turn about you

And you can eye the putt with money within you

DON’T TELL ME

I’m just a salesman in a Rock and Roll band

Uh oh. We don’t know who Carter Hendricks is other than he’s been Gil-mimeographed from the Xerox machine. Don’t you just hate it when Thorpiverse assumes you know who this guy is, like it’s our responsibility to go down to the Milford Post Office and see if he’s on the Rogue’s Gallery by the box mail section. Really, T-verse, I don’t think that when I’m pouring my Cheerios in a bowl thst I should have to look at the “Have You Seen Me?” side of the milk carton to see if Carter and a kid he molested are aligned side-by-side. But (wink, wink) okay, T-verse, he’s on the up-and-up and has made a living selling toilet-scrubbing products and acid solutions to Milford Foundry since you graduated from MHS. That first sale where you sold the receptionist some Liquid Plumber to unclog the sink in the Milford Foundry lobby got you on your way to a career that has truly been rewarding. People who can take a dump in the bathroom stalls under the most ideal sanitary conditions and can wash their hands in the El Dorado of cleaning conditions have you to thank when you’re not a jerk on the golf course by hustling at strip golf with Dr. Pearl and Ms. Rizk.

But is this ALL that’s going to be in this plot du jour for the rest of July and God knows how long its tentacles extend into August? We alternate between Heather Burns who is Chris Elliott on Get a Life and some dog-and-pony salesman who really needs to be plying his trade down at Milford Pool Hall? And it appears our suave friend in P2 is totally oblivious to our pleas for him to get off stage with his bearded wonder not too far behind. Oh, I get it, Heather challenges him to a bet on the back nine and she winds up having to mortgage the house to settle the bet and she moves in the dorm with Corina where she will teach Corina the finer points of catching while Gil calls Joe Sharkey and forces Con Artist Carter to return the house to Heather’s dad on a legal technicamity. Hey, this not only spurs a happy ending but we might be done by September 1st. That should leave enough time for another Bar-B-Q Bust at football practice.

How can we understand

Chaos by the dummies for the golfers

Who are only destroying themselves

And when you see a slimy hustler

Who is frightening all the golfers

Who are scratching this course

Scratching this course

And judging by the reaction of the dude with his combo Fu Manchu/Van Dyke, essentially General Custer with a ponytail drinking a Bud, whenever Con Carter says he humble, he also has property behind The Bucket he can sell you at a bargain. In general, in the world of Thorpiverse, expect the unexpected. Just when Carter resolves to pushing the wheelchair of the little old lady from Pasadena across the street, he is later seen pulling wings off of flies in Mimi’s garden. Just when Heather firmly decides to get a real job, she is in the next scene pitching pennies with Hendricks in the Mudlark Football parking lot. Just when Carter swears off golfing for your car, he and Gil are at Milford 7-11 spending $20 on Milford Powerball. Should be an interesting summer.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Matters Nearly Comes To Blows On The Moody Blues Set!!!!!!!!! Order Restored Promptly!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Mr. Ray Thomas has been firm with Ms. Burns in playing the sax, rather than the Sousaphone, on ‘I’m Just a Singer in a Rock and Roll Band’.”

Our house

Is a very very very fine house

With two dolts in the yard

SCCCCRRRAAAAAATTTTTTCCCHHHHHHHHHH

Okay, that’s not how CSNY drew it up in their second album, Deja Vu, and so we’re stuck with someone who comes home with a degree and nowhere to go and a man presumably with no wife in a house and nowhere go. What does he do with all that room? Wait, maybe they can play touch football in the living room. Well, c’mon, nobody else lives there.

I can’t see beyond this touchy-feely moment in front of the house where The Waltons grew up. Maybe they can throw in John-Boy who helps Heather design the plays when he’s not writing great literature. Grandma Walton sew all the Mudlark uniforms and have them ready by Opening Kickoff. Have Grandpa Walton be a line judge. Okay, that’s INTO football season but my imagination is running wild. We have a few more days in July and all of August. Playing strip golf can’t take a month and a half, I don’t care how much hustling Con Man Carter engages in. Mission accomplished.

Gang, The Rolling Stones were big George Jones fans and spent a lot of time at his farm. With that in mind

“No, I’m sorry, that’s JIM Thorpe but how about a consolation prize instead? Wonderful, thanks for playing DIG for Dollars. That was Mrs. Lola Sharkey from right here in Milford. Better luck next time. I’m Marty Moon and we’ll return to the exciting conclusion of Gone With The Wind after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

“Dang, that’s a shame that Joe’s mom couldn’t win the big money. It would have gone towards the rent. I will personally hand deliver that box of chocolates from Milford Confectionery if nobody else can deliver the consolation prize. Uber can be swamped with work

But there is something more serious than old ladies with sweet tooths. Folks, this is Coach Thorp and we here at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage have been slammed by our competition for not being hospitable either to our workers or to the general public. I’m not naming names but when Tennnessee Pride says we refused to finance the Moody Blues concert because they were flea-bitten Communists who’d be handing out Lenin’s teachings at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater, I had to say whoa hoss. Where they got their information is a bush hog waiting to get slaughtered but let me assure the public that I not only listened to the whole album of ‘On The Threshold of a Dream’ on the verandah with Mimi but we were grilling Gil Thorp Pure Pork Smokehouse Special with a vengeance. Mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, nothing is more satisfying than Smokehouse link, a pitcher of Bud, and The Moody Blues crooning ‘Are You Sitting Comfortably’. And then me and Mimi got happy and boogied to ‘Send Me No Wine’. Yeah, Tennessee Pride, go get your own Seventh Sojourn.

And what were The Rolling Stones doing at George Jones’ farm anyway? Smoking more than sausage, I bet. And the George Jones Premium Sausage officials accused us of using fillers in our product. Man, talk about the burnt steak calling the pan-fried Sage sausage overcooked. We have not only used the finest quality Yorkshires to grace our plates but we don’t allow Mick and Keith to go past security at our plant unless they are clocking in. Let ’em go to somebody eles’s farm and enjoy Gil Thorp Pure Succulent Sage with pancakes dripping with maple syrup. Let Mr. Jones get his own maple tree to produce the syrup. I’m sure he’ll find a tree on his farm somewhere.

And even Johnsonville Sausage got in the act and said we were staging pot parties for The Moody Blues while we were having them stay with us until the concerts. That’s what happens when Brian Jones overdoses on Gil Thorp Hot ‘n’ Nasty at George’s place and the Milford Enquirer didn’t cross-check its facts. Like Graeme Edge snorted one sausage biscuit too many in our garage. I will shoot this one down faster than when The Rolling Stones’ Metamorphosis was released as a bootleg. The Moody Blues have been staying at the Milford Marriott the whole week and we have been grilling only to A Question of Balance, about the only liaison with the Moody Blues we’ve had. If George Jones or Bill Wyman want to take a tour of our house, I’ll be more than happy to arrange an appointment.

But if you want tickets to the Moody Blues concert or great sausage at a great price, you don’t have to take your pickup to George Jones’ farm to get either one. Come get your package of the finest sausage this side of Dennis the Menace’s house and with 8 package decals, you’ll get free tickets to that concert. Man, good sausage and good music, they go together like truth and Paul Harvey. Eat and enjoy the Moody Blues with every tasty bite.”

I disagree, Gang, I think Ray Thomas can play a much better sax on “I’m Just a Singer in a Rock and Roll Band” than Gil. Gil can’t even coach, let alone play an instrument. Maybe a song flute but not with Thomas or Moody Blues in general. But God bless you, anyway. You rock!!!!!!!!

“No, Mr. Hayward, that’s not how you sing ‘Lovely to See You’. Try a different key.”

“John, who let her in the door? Security had specific instructions.”

July 21, 2021

Getting Hammered at the MCC? What Else Is New?

“How small of a stipend are we talking about, Mr. Coach Thorp?

“Remember how far I held my fingers apart earlier? That’s how small your stipend will be.”

“Seriously? I thought you were talking about your post-practice shrinkage in the showers.”

“Just for that crack, no hot dog for you. Just a drink per game.”

So between her internship at the Star and her stipend from Gildeaux, Heather’s gonna pay down those student loans. Yeah, sure. Maybe that’s where the “I’d love to have you” part comes in. (Offensive line coach at a Big Ten school? Only if she was coaching them the way Clara Bow was alleged to coach the boys at USC.) But hey, at least she’ll be making more than Steve Boone. Can any of the faithful confirm whether he ever got a raise? Will he quit once he finds out about Heather?

Back to the golf mooks. TIL Vegas is a golf betting game for foursomes that involves combining each of a pair’s scores to get a numerical value; the pair with the lower value for a hole wins money from the pair with the higher value of a certain amount per difference in stroke (see here for an example). It’s just more filler to hammer home the point that gambling’s going on at the MCC, but the fact that Hendricks is still wearing his red polo shirt might lead us to think he’s an MCC employee, in which case his betting would be either doubleplusungood or quickly swept under the turf.

July 20, 2021

Heather Burns Sings No More.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 8:07 am

Any of you old-timers(speaking for myself-ha) who watched Gomer Pyle will perhaps remember the episode where Gomer’s eventual girlfriend, Lou-Ann Poovie, was set up to get married in a fictional town of Turtle Creek but decided against it at the last minute and moves to Los Angeles for perhaps better job opportunities. She lands a job at the Congo Club as a nightclub singer where Gomer, Sergeant Carter, and Duke watch her perform. Her obvious problem is she really can’t carry a tune even if she’s making a valiant effort to that end.

Don’t tell that to Sergeant Carter. Partially motivated by his strong attraction towards her, he convinces her she’s the next Doris Day/Barbra Streisand/Dionne Warwick. He sets up an interview with a disc jockey for her and even better, somehow manages to land a recording session for her at a studio in Hollywood. Gomer is more realistic and tells her the truth, in his words, her voice could stand some improvement. Taken aback by the sting, she kicks Gomer out of her apartment and proceeds with the audition.

The session is predictably a disaster. She sings “That Old Black Magic”, giving her E for effort, and when she’s done, Sergeant Carter is convinced the record executive will have a recording contract waiting in the wings. But when Sergeant Carter walks in the booth, Lou-Ann sees the executive yelling at Sergeant Carter, not having to hear what’s said to read the writing on the wall. She goes back to make up with Gomer and take the job that Gomer offered her, working in a record store.

And isn’t this pretty much Gil and Heather? Sure, Heather, there’s a job for a receivers coach with the Pittsburgh Steelers waiting for you. I read about it in the want ad section in the Milford Star this morning. They even have a $100 sign-on bonus. Major Medical insurance. Hey, all you have to do if you’re on the operating table is kick in 20%. They have 401(k) at that. You’re set for life. And you can use my name for a reference.

PAPA’S GOT A BRAND NEWWWWWWWWWWW BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“You were great, Heather!!!!!!!!!!! You’re the next James Brown!!!!!!!!! Man, you can funk better than the funkmeister himself!!!!!!!”

“Coach”, can I have a word with you?”

“Oh, that’s Quincy. A recording contract is in the bag.”

Because I was taken aback myself by a milk carton that I read that said “Contains: Milk”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Files Lawsuit With Milford 7-11 After Disputed Incident!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I told Cochran that I bought 2% and poured Diet Coke on my Cheerios. That coulda been paint thinner.”

And who are these guys in P1? So far, I am convinced that Carter Hendricks is Gil’s twin separated at birth and I like how Ned pointed out that they are essentially wearing the same attire. Hey, I know, they’re those baddies we saw 2-3 years ago that were trash-talking the Good Guys, i.e., Gil’s flunkies, and were trash-playing while they were trash-talking. They never knew a padded score they didn’t like. Take a drop? Why should I, the ball is in the cup. They have grown older and stupider and bet every hole to maintain their snarly reputation that they had to have outgrown by now but still cling to the way you would expect Thorpiverse to maintain a death grip on a bad plot gone south gone awry just gone gone gone.

And God knows what we’re going to get for the rest of the summer. Everybody drink except the guy who won the hole? By #17, I wouldn’t recommend drinking and driving a golf cart. I wouldn’t be smelling Gil’s, er, Carter’s breath anyway. Here, Carter, tske the whole bottle of Scope. Everybody take off an article of clothing except the guy who won the hole, namely strip golf? Do we really want to see anybody’s crack, including Carter’s? There are women and children present. True, they were beating each other with golf clubs under Gil’s tutelage the other day but they’ e still present. We don’t want them overdosing on crack simply by watching it. The losers have to go with Corina to New York? I’ll be working on my putting the next 24 hours.

EVERYBODY PLAYS THE FOOL

NO EXCEPTION TO THE RULE

“You were sensational, Dr. Pearl!!!!!!!!!!!! The Main Ingredient couldn’t have done it any better!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“You really mean it, Gil?”

“Shoot, if I can get a bunch of squirrely kids to get it on the green. I can make you a star.”

“Aaaaaaaaaaa, look at the time. I have a meeting at the Milford Elks Club dinner date with my husband. It’s Silent Bingo Night.”

WHAT is on the table while we’re getting adjusted to Gil discussing a recording deal with Lou-Ann? So far as I can see, the nematodes are climbing the iced tea (crossing my fingers that I am correct on the assessment of choice of drinks ) cups, having found a host at the Milford Country Club. And I’m sorry, I am really trying to be nice but I can’t see Sergeant Carter and Miss Poovie talking about her career in singing over a plate of half-eaten Texas toast and salad greens. Or are those green restaurant chips? Wait, maybe that’s a cheeseburger that escaped from MCC snack bar that hasn’t been cooked at proper temperature. Well, it beats a been-in-the-sun-too-long shoe leather, y’know, the ones Yosemite Sam had for dinner on a deserted island until Bugs Bunny came into the picture, triggering YS’s images of stewed rabbit (or Wile E. Coyote and of fried roadrunner, hey, we’re flexible here) . Shazam (while I’m on a Gomer roll) , sauteed shoe leather and tater tots and green cottage cheese, dinner is served. The MCC was even kind enough to leave a mini-spatula on the table.

An FYI here, Gomer Pyle: USMC was a very popular show in its day. The United States Marine Corps loved the show in part because recruiting shot through the roof during the years it aired. Marines themselves loved the show because they said it was Marine life to a T. And they even gave Frank Sutton (Sergeant Carter) an Honorary Sergeant status, a bit of an accomplishment as Sutton, a Columbia graduate and a serious actor, was a solid character actor in the ’50’s and ’60’s. Sadly, the show ended in 1969 prematurely because Jim Nabors point-blank didn’t want to (understandably) get typecast into Gomer and left the show.

This is just plain damn dumb. What is Gil going to do, tell the Pittsburgh Steeler brass (just drawing a random NFL team out of a hat, mind you) that Lou-Ann Poovie has had plenty of experience at playing right tackle and can impart the techniques and plays on the team? Like she can line up the offensive line with a straight face and nobody’s asking any questions.

Now to be fair, my college DOES have a female, Mya Urba, working with the football staff and she does a great job of watching game film, coordinating the defense, getting with coaches on the plays, etc. Somebody has to work through the details and she does an excellent job. She’s not just out there filling space and it won us a conference title. Fair enough.

But Heather never paid her dues like Urba did. Heather went straight from a non-entity in soccer to the Milford Congo Club. Hey, anybody who sat on her duff and never worked to get better can certainly sing “Surrey with a Fringe on Top” and do so to a SRO crowd. Gil, are you serious? Tell me we are not in for Round 2. Puh-leeaaassseeee don’t tell me you are going to insist that Lou-Ann Poovie, after she failed at the Milford Congo Club when she couldn’t even sustain “Mary Had Little Lamb”, can command the respect of Mean Joe Greene and LC Greenwood and the rest of the Steel Curtain. That’s right, Coach, she can teach pass-rush defense even if she can’t sing “Love is a Many-Splendored Thing” and teach all the blitzes. Blitz away, Lou-Ann.

Where is Gomer when you need him? Somebody to come to her house and smack her upside her head and be realistic and not apply for the Dallas Cowboy Defensive Coordinator position and get a real job.

“Lou-Ann, goooollllllyyyy, don’t go and apply for the head coaching job for Milford Football. I know Coach Thorp doesn’t coach any better than Bunny, Sergeant Carter’s girlfriend, but you’re just not ready.”

“Gomer, it just so happens that Dr. Pearl thinks I’m ready. And if the Milford School Board doesn’t vote me in as coach, she has a coaching job ready at Turtle Creek.”

Nope, nope, don’t even go there, Coach. Now you’re stepping on my turf and rest assured, no team from the Big Ten Football ranks is going to have some sniveling snot who should have stayed with soccer IF SHE PUT IN THE TIME to work with its football players. You’ve been slurping one nematode too many as evidenced in P3.

But thank you anyway for your solid support, Gang. It means the world to me.

July 19, 2021

Carter Presses

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, huge earrings, Milford CC, Pointy Fingers — nedryerson @ 5:33 am

Let’s get comfortable here at Milford CC. We might be here for a while and that’s fine by me. I want to find out about Carter Hendricks. Gil seems to indicate that Hendricks has been a staple on the course since last summer, so maybe he’s not a hustler if he’s a known quantity. Also, he seems to be playing in the same foursome as before, so if he’s hustling them repeatedly, it’s kind of on them. Are the the same guys? I don’t know for sure. They are just grey silhouettes today. I guess I’m just going by one guy wearing the same hat. Plus there was a bald guy in the group in the last strip. We don’t have time to get names from these guys, so who knows.

How will Heather Burns fit in? She interviewed at the Star, so she has some journalistic ambitions. Is there a story in Carter Hendricks or maybe just a personal interest? Like, where are we going with this?

Without much else to discuss, I’ll fall back on one of my favorite inane topics, the process of coloring the strip. The first item up for dissection is the white band aid Carter Hendricks has on his finger. I can’t recall ever seeing a white band aid, at least not the standard consumer band aid for tuna can injuries to digits. But if the finger is already Caucasian flesh tone, then I guess a colorist has to make a choice on the band aid. Whigham didn’t make it a Spiderman band aid to telegraph anything exotic, so we get this “unnatural” white one.

The other coloring issue that has nagged me for the last few strips is that it seems like the coloring person or persons in their usual laziness and/or inattention to the actual story seems to think Gil and Carter Hendricks are the same person. Sure, two different characters can wear the same colored clothing. This is a sports strip, often with many characters in the same team colored gear. But, as a rule, it is probably best to differentiate different characters, especially characters with similar looks, by putting them in different color clothing. When Gil and Hendricks have been in the same strips, they’ve both been in red. The colorists don’t know what’s going on, and don’t care.

July 17, 2021

Please Let This Golf Shark Be Gil’s Long-lost Son

Filed under: Gil Thorp, golf, huge earrings, Milford CC, Recycled art, talking hand — teenchy @ 11:35 am

Continuing with an idea thrown out by robmize yesterday, kids fresh out of college do not need to have their life’s trajectories neatly laid out before them the moment they’re handed their diplomas. The realities of today’s working world and the high costs of post-secondary education weigh on today’s twentysomethings like they did on few generations before them. So kudos to Rubin for painting that aspect of Heather’s character with a fairly accurate brush. Still Gil can’t help but be a tiny bit of a dick with his little dig at the many things Heather tried to do during her high school days.

Speaking of tiny dickishness: I imagine Friend of TWIM and fellow Thorp snarker Mopman is having a field day with P2 here, skipping over the Get Smart references and going straight to the crotchal area.

Today’s bombshell may be an unintentional one, however. Between the hairline and the coloring, he’s made golf shark Hendricks into a dead ringer for Gildeaux and vice versa. Okay, maybe the sideburns are a millimeter or two different but seriously, how lazy can he get? Lazy enough that we could hope against hope that Hendricks is in reality long lost Thorp son Jami. Now that would make for an interesting summer plot…

Time for an afternoon siesta. Have at it, gentle readers, and catch you next week.

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