This Week in Milford

January 11, 2019

I’m just a multi-dimentional asshole.

My given name is Robert.  I remember when I was a little kid everyone called me Robby. My dad said when I got older people would call me Bob. I preferred Rob. I thought it sounded friendlier and warmer then Bob. So that it was. I even got a vanity license plate with Rob on it when I got my first car. I remember ordering it and requesting ‘Rob” and the state sending me a letter saying ‘Rob’ was taken, but ‘Rob 1108’ wasnt so here you go. I said fine. And I’ve had the same plate for 28 years now, my vanity plate surviving a state-ordered redesign of the plates last year. It only costs $11 for a vanity plate with letters and numbers, and $70 for only letters. So I got off cheap as well, and my old plate sits proudly in my garage like an old trophy, next to my dads VFW plate.

I wonder how often a character in a comic strip changes their first name. First of all they arent even human so they dont really care. But the strip writer does, and maybe Howry wanted to change his image? What the hell other reason is there? I think he was wearing the same blue pants when we last saw him assisting the basketball team in March 2015–

 

but he found another shirt and ditched the red sleeveless vest he wore 2 days in a row.

Anyway– its nice that alumni give a crap about the basketball team, even though they only play once in a blue moon, but Howry is going a bit overboard; most people in college or shortly thereafter are busy discovering their careers, or otherwise trying to get a job, and not worrying about someone elses job. Calling for a high school coaches head is completely foreign to me and anyone else who follows high school sports on a part-time basis. The coaches are also teachers at the school who are salaried as teachers and coach the teams on their own time.  The basketball coach at my high school was also an English teacher and guidance counselor. The hoops team sucked all 4 years I was there, but the coach was never publicy criticized nor should he have been. John Wooden couldnt win with what we had.

Going forward, it will be interesting to see what Robby has to say about all this, including perhaps his reason for his name change; but of course like most Milford characters he comes off like a dope.

**I added a new category, Bobby Howry, since he used to be Bobby and we can tag old posts with his references, plus find his old stuff faster. I guessed on the year and came up roses.

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January 10, 2019

The Billboards Are Due On Maple Street

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Gil, aren’t we understating THE OBVIOUS????? My Friend, you were just awarded Comment of the Year by the Milford Kiwanis Club. Wanta know who got #2? None other than Marty Moon for stealing Calvin Coolidge’s maxim “I choose not to run”, when Moon was asked if he was interested in the station manager’s job at WDIG after the present manager retires. Suspending people for saying “He plays like elephant poop”  and “Gil has a face that bears a striking resemblance to Dumbo’s butt” on the air can start to wear on you down the years.

Melodramatic??????? Really??????? I don’t know about you, Coach Thorp, but I’m beginning to like Larry, Curly, and Moe run the basketball team.

“Nyuk, nyuk, let’s run that give and go a little faster.’

“Yeah!!!!!! And no dunking on the volleyball net!!!!!!!” BOP!!!!!!!!!

 

 

Well. I was going to get that video lined up for today, “The Radio City Rockettes at the Milford Girls-a-Go Go Club” but the VCR ate the tape and I gotta sort through the spools and that’ll take some time. How ’bout a Twilight Zone episode instead???? I know, I know, watching strip to “New York, New York” accompanied by Coach Shaw on the jazz guitar and Gil on the baritone would have been a fascinating after-Christmas presentation but I KNOW there’s a lot of y’all that love to be Zonin’. Let’s Zone the night away, shall we?

 

I mean, really. Remind me to remind you that this could just be a front. Anyone remember “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?” Isn’t this just the same difference?

And remember Claude Akins, before he attended Northwestern and majored in Tractor Trailer Technology with a minor in French and went on to pursue a rewarding career driving Kenworth’s on “Movin’ On”, when he appeared on that Twilight Zone episode? Well, gang, guess I shouldn’t give the story away but he WILL figure mightily in the festivities today. He’s taking a break and somebody else is taking his seat in the semi.

“I’mmmmmmm Mr. Mooney and I have driven Freightliners beforrrrreeeeeee.”

Yeah, but looks like you’re having trouble getting it from 4th to 5th gear.”

“I can alllllllwwwayyyysssss call Mrs. Carmichael. She’s been going through the Swift Trucking Schooooooolllllllll when she’s not working at the bannnnkkkkkkkkk.”

 

GIL THORP AND CLAUDE AKINS GO TO THE SAME BARBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Look, Marty, I catch enough of your shit on the radio but this time you’ve gone too far. Some of my best friends watch Claude Akins on ‘B.J. and the Bear’.”

Mimi rushes up, barely missing the Lamar Outdoor Advertising billboard.

“Gil, every other comic strip’s plot has the lights on in its house except for ours. Let’s ask Billy, Jeffy, Dolly, P.J., and Barfy what the deal is. They live one block over.”

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Don’t let them go!!!!!!!!! They’re trying to escape with the rest of E.T.’s friends!!!!!!!!!! I knew you ate too much quiche at The Bucket!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t get suspicious until you insisted to the waitress to start adding Edam cheese!!!!!!!!!!! He’s not as macho as he’s been presenting himself the last 60 years!!!!!!!!”

“That’s not true!!!!!!!!!!! My husband just beat out G. Gordon Liddy to pose for the Marlboro Man when they had to find a replacement after the Marlboro Man died of lung cancer at our basketball game with Tilden!!!!!!!!!”

Claude using his French major to good use

“Arretez-vous!!!!!! Arretez-vous!!!!!!!!! Ne soyez pas malade!!!!!!!!!!”

“Claude, we’re not crazy but Gil goes to Fine Cuts. His barber died of a heart attack last year.”

 

 

Kaz’s earring is wired in gaudy

And Gil’s hair is combed out wrong

You better take off this masquerade

Cuz this stupid plot

Is too lonnnngggggggggggg

 

A little Procul Harum for those of you listening while you’re going down the elevator. “Homburg” is the tune, you whippersnappers.

 

BUT CLAUDE USES MORE BRYLCREAM THAN GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Kaz, I don’t even use Brylcream anymore. That went out with the Hula Hoop. I use Vidal Sassoon Extra Hold Deer Scent. You, more than anyone else, oughta know when we hit the Milford Athletic Club what toiletries I use the way you’re always mooching for my Old Spice Watermelon Wonder Soap on a Rope and slapping on my Mennen Cool Mist After Shave behind my back.”

“Look who’s talking!!!!!! If you’re gonna swipe one of my jock straps, will you at least put ’em in your Maytag and wash the damn things, cold cycle preferably????? My doctor diagnosed me with Jock Strap Rub and it keeps me awake at night!!!!!”

“Kaz, between signing contracts for officials for Mimi’s basketball games and helping my kids with their pre-school pre-algebra homework, I don’t always find the time to get the mildew. I have used Lysol in the past. Did you ever try to call around for zebras for Mimi’s 5 basketball games????? I’m lucky to have 2 games under my belt so far. And I had to promise one that Rick would wash his referee shirt after the game.”

Claude intervenes.

“I’ll do one of the games. I have my Middle School License through the High School Athletic Association.”

 

Parents complain about YOU, Gil???????? Coach, from what I’ve heard, they pray 5 times a day facing the Mudlark gym. ANYBODY caught complaining on this strip will have his day in court for, 3-4 months at the max, but we all remember what happened several plots ago when Mr. Promoter tried to plug his nephew and his singing talent. He had his nephew AND Gil on the ropes until the script called for Dad to come in and clean things up. We could have used Santa Claus, Barney Fife, Don Rickles, Ed McMahon to run Mr. Promoter out of town but that’s pressing our luck if we want to make restoring your status half-way believable.

“And now, HEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE’SSSSSSSS GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Thanks, Ed, good to be restored to the strip. Guess one shitty apple doesn’t spoil the punch. It’s nice to know all the parents and Doc’s band still support me.”

No.

 

 

 

 

MIMI COACHES A BIDDY BALL SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kaz’s girlfriend and Mimi at each other’s throats

“I never put that billboard up but if you’d play some REAL teams instead of those ones you phone out of the Milford Yellow Pages under ‘Social Organizations’, you’d have a couple of championships under your belt, Girl.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t the one to sprinkle extra garlic on the Texas Toast Tomato Souffle when the recipe called for paprika. You could’ve caused a white rhino to sneeze his horn off the way you threw your ingredients on the baking pan.”

“Ladies, ladies, now take it easy. There’s no need to fuss at each other. Just cool down and eat another slice of Texas toast. And pass the pimento peppers.”

Claude takes a bite.

“Ummmmmmm, good!!!!!! Where’d you find the recipe?”

“Oh, my great-grandmother baked them for the GI’s when she was a WAC, she-”

BBBRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Sorry, Ladies. Anybody got a Tums?”

“PHEWWWW, Claude, you’re gonna start a riot if you don’t get back on that spaceship with Gazoo.”

 

 

The funky-looking tree behind Gil saying “Hi Mom” is due in Gil’s office on Maple Street.

‘Nuff said.

 

 

 

MARTY MOON STAPLES HIS GOATEE ON HIS FACE BECAUSE HE RAN OUT OF EPOXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Peaches, that was a pretty low blow. I know I may have a flat tire when we go to bed that needs to be pumped up to at least 35 pounds PSI but leave my Leon Trotsky look alone. He’s my idol. In fact, Mr. Mooney is trying to sport one just like this to intimidate Lucy Carmichael into working faster.”

“Darling, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Yeah, you need a Breathalyzer Test done on your wim-wim but I don’t even have a stapler. You’re just being your usual paranoic self. Happiness is so unreal and love you definitely cannot feel, not with that steroid-starving specimen.”

“Claude, isn’t this your time to intervene? The Twilight Zone is about to end and Rod Serling is due anytime now to step to the plate.”

“Marty, you suck. Ain’t no way I’m standing up for a guy who skipped his group therapy session at the Milford Men’s Clinic. I’m shovin’ off in my truck after Will is done showering in the cab.”

 

Gang, raise your hand if you’re tired of the North By Northwest shot in P3. Don’t you just love the Transitive Property of Equality being employed while Cary Grant is hanging off of Kaz’s left nostril? Don’t think Hitchcock was THAT innovative.

So let’s go ahead and work out the logic while Hitchcock devises a way for Cary Grant to get down (“We could try an escalator. It worked when ELO did ‘Xanadu’. Think of the majesty and grandiloquence of the concept.” “YEAH!!!!!!! THAT’S IT!!!!!!!! Anybody have Jeff Lynne’s number?”) .

 

Only smarmy pricks who went to the DeVry Institute to major in Refrigerator Electronics because a Milford High School diploma was only going to get you a job at the Milford 7-11 can afford to stage malicious billboard messages.

Bobby Howry a/k/a Robert Howry a/k/a Claude Akins’ Evil Twin is a smarmy prick who went to the DeVry Institute to major in Refrigerator Technology because a Milford High School diploma was only going to get you a job at the Milford 7-11.

Quod Erat Demonstratum

Bobby Howry a/k/a Robert Howry a/k/a Claude Akins’ Evil Twin can afford to stage malicious billboard messages.

 

I think we have narrowed down our culprit. We know does not refer to Felix the Cat. Don’t bother. I checked.

 

DR. PEARL DOES HER SOPHOMORE ATTENDANCE REPORTS FOR JANUARY IN THE RAW!!!!!!!!!!!

“Ms. Rizk, I know I’ve been encouraging you to get your head out of that typewriter but honestly, did you have to resort to desperate measures to get a little sunshine?????? You ever try to go to the Milford Tanning Clinic?????? You’d be browner and my reputation would be intact.”

“Mrs. Clampett, I have no clue what you’re talking about. If you would have backed me when I had that run-in with Beaudry’s parents after I’d flunked him, there’d be no need for this conversation. Why would I waste my time insulting you on a billboard when I can say to your face that Mrs. Butterworth and you put fillers in their bras?”

“WELL!!!!!! Sonny-”

“Claude, ma’am.”

“Sonny, Claude, Red Sovine, whatever, I just want to get a Honeywell Word Processor and smash her head!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh, don’t do that. Mz. Rizk, I’m sorry, I gotta call it like I see it. I’m getting erect for Granny Clampett right now. Her beehive and her false bicuspids are just sending blood through my dick. No need for an ED commercial here. Would you mind leaving the office?”

“Oh, Claude, you say the sexiest things. So you graduated from Northwestern…”

 

Gang, some of you have already commented away and I thank you MIGHTILY for the support and the discussion has been TERRIFIC so far. If ya wanna jump in, have at it. Democracy works, gang. Keep it going so we ALL can breathe.

 

“Wow, Gazoo, you were right. Just put up a few billboards and the next thing you know, the Governor has to call out the Guard on Milford.”

“Yes, yes, my slinky friend. I used the same technique in Bedrock. When I put up a sign that said FRED FLINTSTONE AND MR. SLATE ARE IN A SAME SEX RELATIONSHIP AT THE BEDROCK QUARRY, Barney and Fred were shooting their air-powered rifles at each other in their respective backyards. And Bedrock shared a similar fate with Macchu Pichu.”

“Looks to me like Coach Thorp will get voted out by the survivors and that Kaz will move to West Beverly Hills High School where Dylan Mckay will be his only problem child. And he doesn’t even play basketball.”

“Oh, Coach Thorp is a dum dum. I’ve been telling Dr. Pearl that for years. Maybe now she’ll listen. Want to go for a spin in my UFO? They have a great sushi restaurant on Neptune.”

 

I SHOT COACH SHAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

signed

http://www.anonymouspsychomegalomaniac.com

 

“I got a run to Salt Lake City and Will’s been driving for 16 hours!!!!!!!!! One intervention at a time!!!!!!!!!!!! You hold off Freddy Krueger and Coach Shaw until I get back, goddammmit!!!!!!!!!”

January 9, 2019

In Milford It’s Still December

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Now we know why story arcs in this strip run longer than their real-life seasonal counterparts. Check out the calendar on the wall behind Kaz; while we’re more than a week into January, in Milford it’s still December.

That’s not the only evidence that Milford is behind the times, even if it’s not quite the “1959 with cell phones” we often describe it as being.  I mean, look, they’re only on Billboard 3.0?  They haven’t even gotten to Billboard 95 or NT?  The rest of the world has been on Billboard 10 for some time now.  Fifteen-year-old Chevy Monte Carlos still ply the roads, their flanks slowly turning into powder.  (Come to think of it, that’s not out of the ordinary in the Upper Midwest.)  Newspapermen still call their bosses “Chief” Jimmy Olsen style, even while grooming their beards, though unlike Perry White the editors in Milford don’t seem to mind.

Is Kaz showing Gil a photo of Billboard 3.0 Kelly sent him, or has he “called up” robbyreport.com?  As Ned alluded to on Monday, none of us here at TWIM have yet to buy robbyreport.com and direct it here (though GoDaddy would be willing to negotiate to have its owner sell it to you – thanks for the update, Ned :-) ), but that would require effort on our parts.  Maybe we should do a GoFundMe? Let us know in the comments.

 

 

January 8, 2019

Twin Gils Of Different Plots

Filed under: Coach Kaz, freak hands, Kelly Krystek, Pissy faced Kaz, Prairie Style Windows — tdrewhardin @ 1:25 pm

 

Every morning

We pick up the Post

We hope the plot im-proves

But it never does

 

So you take some sucker

And milk this thing dry

Try to help the schmuck from reeling

Into plot awry

 

Buttttt

Once upon a time

You had a strip that was runnin’ fine

When all the others

Simply don’t compare

 

You’re out of your mind

But once upon a time

You had us thereeeeeee

 

(Sweet guitar interlude)

 

Every morning

You shake out your hair

Thinking this plot’s got some flair

But it never does

 

So you take the excerpts

From Nancy and Sluggo

Prince Valiant and Pogo

And some Alley-Oop

 

Buuuutttttttt

 

Once upon a time

The strip was runnin’ mighty fine

When even Mark Trail did not dare compare

You’ve contracted I Me Mine

But once upon a time

You had us therrrrrrrrreeeeeeeee

 

 

Okay, Dan Fogelberg off my chest, is SPECTRE involved in getting Gil out the door? Otherwise, what in the world is the deal with these billboards? You mean, Moonraker hasn’t heard of school board meetings? Dr. No splats his messages on billboards on some god-forsaken highway from Hell when he could just as easily aim a Stealth bomber from Mt. Milford, his hideout, and X out the Mudlarks if he wasn’t satisified with Gil’s coaching? Really, if he’s above parliamentary procedure, he DOES possess the wherewithal for world domination, why let Madison Avenue carry out his dastardly deeds? He sends some teenage flunky to announce he’s going to annihilate Milford if his demands aren’t met to pave the way for Goldfinger to be the coach? Dammit, Dr. No, open up your volcano and pour hot molten lava all over WDIG studios and be done with it. I promise, Dr. Pearl will swear in Blofeld as the coach at the earliest convenience. Once all the hallways are clear of magma after Luhm’s 317th time of running the buffer, of course. Sometimes, magma is hard to come out of a tile floor. The point is, since when did YOU go by the book to achieve world domination?  Then 007 would be out of a job and forced to work with Luhm. I hope Mr. Bond has a toilet plunger in his Aston Martin

 

 

Then there’s the story today. Are we sure we’re not reading “Cat in the Hat”?

“Madam, so sorry that you misunderstood

This billboard in the neighborhood

I’m sorry if we don’t give a damn

We’d have a better answer for green eggs and ham

May we leave?”

 

You talk about dumbing down a plot. Mr. Not My Job #1 and Mr. Not My Job #2 in their Ninja outfits with their Sinclair logo on their hats just about epitomizes the basketball plot so far and are really in the wrong comic strip. Thorpiverse, leave Cookie’s attitude in Beetle Bailey. We don’t need Cookie making another batch of spaghetti out of Converse LeBron James Signature NBA sneakers shoe strings because, what the hell, General Halftrack will never know the difference. He wears dentures anyway and takes Kaopectate for an after-dinner mint. And TWO COOKIES AT CAMP SWAMPY??????? The pantry will run out of plimsolls making Spaghetti O’s. At least send one of them over to Dagwood to be Dagwood’s butcher who consequently runs up a bill on Oscar Meyer Bologna (“$21.00 on 4 slices???? Exact change???”) just to piss off Dagwood and his neighbor, Herb Woodley. Hell, I’ll compromise and let you jack up the price of London Broil just to watch Mr. Dithers execute a tarantella. Try me.

But in fairness, Kaz’s girlfriend should know better than to confront Larry the Cable Guy over billboards. His job is just to install the cable, not ask questions who paid for it. Git ‘er done even if installing cable is part of a Marxist plot to take over America. Lenin just wants to know what’s on ESPN. Che Guevara likes to watch “Green Acres” on Nick at Nite. Just git ‘er done.

 

 

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. And Oddjob To Open Haberdashery In Mall Next To Milford Men’s Clinic!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson announced that O.J. would handle the bookwork while Oddjob will be selling out on the floor.”

 

” I want your full report, my insouciant myrmidons. I’m expecting good news.”

“We attended the hearing, Boss.”

“And?”

“Dr. Pearl tripled Coach Thorp’s salary and gave him the keys to the company car. Milford High School has a contract with Avis Rent-a-Car. He also got the ranch house on Mudlark Lake Resort, rent-free.”

“You failed.”

“Yes, I’m sorry, we failed.”

“This organization does not tolerate failure. I will deal with you later. In the meantime, you may leave.”

“Yes, Boss.”

Flunky #1 and Flunky #2, borrowed from Joker’s gang, who are next door trashing Bruce Wayne’s mansion including raping Aunt Harriet, depart out of Blofeld’s office.

As they make their way to the pedway, Ernst Stavro Blofeld steps on the gas pedal, causing a foot bridge to collapse, dumping Flunky #2 in a pool of piranhas. I’ll spare the blood bath.

“FIRE GIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Flunky #1 looks on in shock, then runs and hides in the Ninja Turtles Econoline van, the one with all the Christmas wrapping paper (“Mom. thanks for the great gift!!!!!!! I’ve3 always wanted a billboard message that says ‘You’re mediocre!!!!!’) . Some orders are not meant to be carried out unless submitted in triplicate by Dr. Pearl or the Milford Athletic Committee.

 

 

A friend of mine related her recent office Christmas party recently that featured people  snatching 2-liters under their dapper dress coat, heaps of turkey, chicken, Waldorf salad, peas, green beans, corn, 3 bean salad, cole slaw, macaroni and cheese, cookies, candy, cranberry salad stashed away in their brief cases, pies and cakes wedged under their laptop in their backpack, topped by Cool Whip (how could you forget?) hidden in their fedoras sooooooooooooooo

Coach Kaz in Dr. Pearl’s office, after she recovered her head out of the sink in the cafeteria

“Coach, I don’t mean to pry but why is there Miracle Whip all over your lesson plans?”

“Would  you believe I got in the middle of a food fight?”

 

 

Then there’s P3. Geez Louise, such a cheap take-off some Hardy Boys Mystery.

“Joe saw the billboard that said ‘Gil Is Running Around On His Wife When He’s Not Doing His Usual Mediocre Job Of Coaching’ and decided to go over to Rambo’s condo, the same condominiums O. J. and Johnny Cochrane inhabit, and see if he was willing to kick some tail. Acting on some tip that it was the Sandinistas and the Viet Cong, Joe and Rambo wanted to napalm the Milford Senior Citizen Center where they were reportedly hiding out.  Frank, using a cooler head, told them to rein in their fanatical impulses until Frank could get Chet Morton’s report on the billboard’s history.

Chet was on the Ultra Slim-Fast diet and it it took sheer willpower to slurp on his Ultra Slim-Fast Strawberry Shake and munch tediously on the Ultra Slim-Fast Nutritional Bar, Chocolate, Raspberry, and Almonds while everybody else was hoggin’ on Cheeseburgers and Paradise at The Bucket, not to mention banana splits, but if he wanted to remove the portly tag or plump tag or fatter than Freezer Thompson when Thompson is in the ring with Jerry Lawler for a match which is just a warm-up for Lawler and no belts are on the line tag that he received at the beginning of each Hardy Boys Mystery, he’d concentrate on these billboard reports and fax them to Frank ASAP.

Fortunately, Bugs Meany, trying to make restitution after all the doo-doo he shoveled at Encyclopedia Brown, turned up a key clue. He found out from the billboard company, after Bugs slipped the security guard a 20, that the ad before was a Mudlar-K-Cola promo, with Ricky Ricardo displaying his Charles Atlas chest when he wasn’t at Mudlark basketball games second-guessing Gil. The basketball game that made a man out of Ricky. Nutrament does wonders. Anyway, Bugs pointed out that the ad was pulled a month before the due date, in favor of Mudlark Funeral Home, evidently pissing off Ricky mightily. Promoting taxidermy on Principal Ek over kickin’ some bully’s butt at the Mudlark Lake Beach? Bugs could relate. He’d sneak in an ad when no one was lookin’ either. Git’ er done, Bugs. He knew Larry the Cable Guy would aid and abet in that crime.

Bugs was only glad to help as this was part of Milford High School’s In-School Suspension Early Release Program. Bugs Meany was only happy to oblige, sorry now for saying that Sally Kimball’s mom had a Skull & Dagger tattoo on the right cheek of her butt.”

 

 

Day 12

Marty is captured by Tee Hee Johnson. Tee Hee intends to punish Marty Moon for saying that only Dr. Kananga can coach worse than Gil. Out in Milford Nature Area, plenty of room to roam, Tee Hee leads Marty out to a projecting rock, surrounded by a swamp full of alligators. Tee Hee pulls the section with a pulley connecting the rock to the mainland with the Fake Landscape Bug-Resistant Environmentally Friendly Recyclable Bat Retractor, used by Batman when he’s not in the mood to leave the Batcave. Marty is literally up to his neck in alligators.

Marty remembers he has the Bond Radio stuck up his butt that M loaned him (“Heavens, your gluteus maximus is more difficult to store equipment and gadgets than 007’s”) and tugs it out to play all his broadcasts since ’58. The Voice of Milford is  Tarzan of the Jungle and sends the ‘gators back to the Everglades. Now to find Peaches who is in a tiger pit created by Catwoman (“Roooowwwwwwrrrr, I knew this aphrodisiac would make you fall for the fake crab grass!!!!!!!!) .

 

Seven floors below Mt. Milford, Dr. No and Coach Thorp are discussing the latter’s fate, the gentlemen being treated to a feast fit for a king, Dom Perignon and Bucket Cheeseburgers and Bucket Buffalo Fries; Oddjob threatened to throw his hat at the teenaged waitress if she didn’t have the armored vehicle loaded down with The Bucket’s Finest within the hour. Plus a Bucket Crab Cake Sandwich because throwing hats and beheading Dr. Pearl works up an appetite.

“I thought  there might be a place for you within our organization. I could have killed you the first time when you sat Tiki in that football game. You made SPECTRE lose a bundle on the Vegas Line.”

“And why didn’t you?”

“I thought you less a fool. Normally when a man gets in my way of total world domination and doubling as the Milford Athletic Director, he pays a steep price”, as Dr. No grabs a Wilson Basketball and squeezes the thing until Dr. No’s Minions go play Nerfhoop with it down by the radioactive pool.

“Make sure they flick their wrists or the ball will hit the back of the iron and land in the shark pit.”

Dr. No is losing his patience.

“Unfortunately, you disappoint me, Coach Thorp. You are nothing but a stupid basketball coach whose luck has run out.”

Dr. No summons his guards, built like Coach Kaz all the way down to the Elvis sideburns and earrings.

“Gentlemen, soften Coach Thorp until he is begging to puke no more. Start by playing Marty Moon’s broadcast of Coach Thorp when he gave away that baseball game in ’95 because he left Sharkey, Junior in too long and the other team won it with a last-minute grand slam.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. ANYTHING BUT MARTY!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BULLPEN WAS SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAD JACKIE HILL ON 2 DAYS REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…….”

 

We’re hoping for good things

To lead us along

Maybe sing us a new song

That will keep us sane.

 

That’s only pipe-dreaming

We might as well be screaming

At the top of our lungs

For a trip with Dick and Jane

 

But once upon a time

You had a strip that was going fine

When Hi & Lois simply don’t compare

You’ve really crossed a line

But once upon a time you had us thereeeeeeeeeeeee

 

 

 

Gang, comment away. For your New Year’s resolution please remember to thank a Veteran. I always take 5 minutes out of my schedule to thank at least 1 Veteran. You do it however you feel comfortable doing it but PLEASE do it.

Also. support Small Business. Choose one mom-and-pop operation and call it your own. If everybody would do that, I’m bettin’ Small Business takes America by storm.

Gang, you need to be where everybody knows your name.

 

 

Hugo Drax, after discovering that Gil will not bolt to the NBA and sign an 8-year contract to coach the LA Clippers, is at The Bucket, booth #23 with Jaws and Holly Goodhead with Plan B

“I’ll write a check. I can always rob the Milford Federal Credit Union with you Jaws biting one of the tellers to cover any overdrafts. Now, order 12,000 Liver Cheeseburgers and make sure there’s enough garlic to unstop a cow. Send them, anonymously of course, to Gil’s office. The perfume in the burgers caused Odysseus to crash on the rocks. The same fate awaits Mr. Thorp. I am leaving to go back to the spaceship. See that great harm is done to Coach Thorp’s duodenum.”

 

 

“Sir, Gil is still with the team. There was a players-only meeting after the game and Gil is still the coach.”

“Then I will go to Lord Vader and apologize for the failure. You’re dismissed.”

ZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

“Apology accepted.”

 

 

 

 

Mimi is lovely

The athletes superb

But there’s something about the plots that disturb us

January 7, 2019

Who’s Robby? Wait, Who’s Gil Thob?

Filed under: Coach Kaz, Fontastic, Kelly Krystek — nedryerson @ 7:03 am

010719

We pick up our story with Kelly Krystek, intrepid travel agent on her way to drop off Mrs. Kapoor’s travel related items, stopped by the side of the road to take in the latest provocative billboard outside Milford. The message on the billboard is so jarring she has to get out of her Toyota Tardis and stare up at in in wonder from the shoulder. Her head bobbling awe is reminiscent of Steve Martin in L.A. Story:

lastory11

Kelly communicates this incredible outdoor advertising development to her beau, Coach Kaz. Kaz is visibly shaken by this new message, or maybe he’s not moved at all and just thinking about pumping iron, getting a sandwich or just avoiding another dopey assignment from Gil to go snooping around in the affairs of a student athlete.

So we have the big reveal of billboard #3 (in a bold new font that I don’t have time to identify right now): SAVE THE KIDS FIRE GIL THORP robbyreport.com. Oh boy. Now to find out who Robby is and what his report entails.

At the moment, the domain robbyreport.com is available for purchase, so any enterprising individual who wants to get a little bit of exposure can register that domain and link it to whatever content they want to be seen by up to dozens of bored Gil Thorp readers. (You may recall a previous website that was named in Gil Thorp, liniverde.com. Jason bought that domain and redirected it to this very blog [since lapsed]. I’d do that with the robbyreport.com, but that would require effort that I’m unwilling to exert.)

This fictitious website concept reminds me of a development from the Aughts (do we have another name for the first decade of this century?) where Conan O’Brien threw out an offhand reference to hornymanatee.com on his old NBC late night show. Subsequently, he stated that NBC’s legal department required the show to acquire that domain (which they did and then proceeded to use it to host wacky content). It makes sense for a big television network to take that step, lest somebody else register the domain and host something with which the network would rather not be associated. Also, in “those days” there was still some fun to be had about the internet and its geeky structure and we could still laugh at it rather than be largely bored and/or disgusted with it.

Clearly, the producers of the Gil Thorp comic strip don’t care about someone purchasing robbyreport.com and posting something weird on it. Like maybe a blog about how Kelly Krystek’s little hatchback has the interior of a Landcruiser or something. Oh, now wouldn’t that just be embarrassing! Surely, but for who?

ETA: The Comics Curmudgeon came up with a hilarious take on today’s strip, focusing on the vague wording of the latest billboard and how the message very easily be misconstrued as something VERY dark. That never dawned on me. That’s why he’s the most famous comics blogger!

January 5, 2019

Snatch It Back (Up) And Hold It

gt01052019_b&w

GoComics has finally started back putting up the black and white version of the strip, but looking at it today confused me at first.  It looked like Kelly’s tiny hatchback was about to submarine under an eighteen-wheeler Magnus Walker style, potentially making her the first known vehicular casualty in Milford since Addison “Boo” Radley.  The color version we’ve been using of late makes it a bit clearer.

gt01052019_col

Of course the dialogue helps with that too: Kelly has just seen the Third Billboard Outside Milford.  Speaking of Boo Radley, good on Whigham for drawing a Bluetooth cockroach in Kelly’s ear.  Hands-free phone usage while driving in the Thorpiverse from now on, not like the times before.

That whole bit about Mrs. Kapoor* and her hand-delivered itinerary, tickets, etc.?  Just a red herring to get Kelly on the road and driving to the edge of town.  Kinda puts a damper on that whole internet ninja thing she had going.  Heck, even Kaz recognizes that travel agencies are a dying business.  (Let’s try finishing Kaz’s sentence for him.  I’ll start: “As long as she’s going back to India three times a year, it’s three times you won’t have to sell plasma for beer money.”)

Credit where credit is due: that was some pretty quick reaction time on Kelly’s part to get off the highway and onto the shoulder into a sand trap at the Milford CC.

*edit: thanks to Son of teenchy, I was able to make the connection between Kelly and Mrs. Kapoor.  SoT watches The Office whereas I do not.

Musical inspiration for today’s post title:

 

January 4, 2019

Levee Song

I’ve been slipping in the claaaaasssroom

All the live-long daaaaay…

I’ve been slipping in the claaaasssroom

Just to pass the time awaaaaay….

Cant you hear the whistle blowing

Rise up so early in the morn

Cant you hear the Kazman shouting…

Howry blow your hoooorn!

Howry wont you blow

Howry wont you blow?

Howry wont you blow your hooooorn?

Howry wont you blow

Howry wont you blow

Howry wont you blow your horn!

Fee fi fiddly I oh

Fee fi fiddly I ohhhhhh

Fee fi FIDDLY I OH???\

Strumming on Gils old banjo.

Someones at the Bucket with Kettlehead

Someones at the Bucket I knooow

Someones in the kitchen with Marjie

Strummin on her old Tape -Oh.

 

And in P3 Bobby Howry is inviting the man on the other end to fart over the phone.

 

January 2, 2019

Once Again, We Are Confronted With (Select Random Milford Student On The Screen) And His/Her (Select One: Ghosts, Shaky Past, Generic Problems) That Will Supplant (Select One: Football, Basketball, Baseball, Golf or Hockey or Track, Depending On How The Plot Shakes Out For The Latter Three).

 

010319

Gang, looks like we have set aside Snoopy battling the Red Baron in the name of warding off the Commies from billboard vandalism and now we’re plopped in a sudden jerk of direction for the, you guessed it, the soap opera version of the strip. If you can imagine “Days of our Lives” in the middle of “The Sporting News”, you have a firm grasp on the situation at hand.

And to put it in perspective, try imagining Ralph Kramden stepping into Gil’s domain, as long as we’re going to sidestep Dr. Pearl because evidently she spends more time down at the Milford Bingo Parlor rather than running a high school, and talking about Norton’s academic woes causing his bowling average to nosedive. Just try, I know you can do it.

“Gil, you and I have been buddies a long time and I remember when you were cleaning out the tail pipes of the Milford Shuttle Lines and mopping up the bathroom floor and usin’ the toilet plunger to shove a lotta doo-doo through the lines so this should come as no shock.

Norton is flunkin’ Algebra I, just seems to have problems figurin’ out the difference between Addition Property of Equality and Denying The Antecedent and he’s also barely passin’ English Composition III. For some reason, he keeps dangling modifiers and writin’ run-on sentences when he’s doin’ his book report on Ivan Turganev’s “A Sportsman’s Notebook”. And cripes, don’t get me started on U.S. Geography. He still thinks Hawaii is a U.S. possession. I hope to God he don’t answer that we annexed the Yukon Territory or he’s gonna flunk his Finals. He’ll never pick up that spare if he keeps insisting that Puerto Rico has a team in the NBA. It ain’t a state yet, pal.”

“I’ll talk with him. He had to have been the culprit who put the message on that billboard by the truck stop “Mediocrity and Stuckey’s are not alike in fact try the new 10-pound Tenderloin sandwich only $599.”

I suppose it’s better than James Brown’s sister being one of the rest of Milford’s 4,567 teachers who down through the years realize it is a waste of time to travel the pipeline to Principal Ek or Dr. Pearl when there’s a convenient detour leading to Gil’s office. In fact, when you hit the front door ( you didn’t notice the flagman with his “Slow” sign?) , you should see the sign that says “Hallway will be closed from 1958 to the present” due to construction on a better plot. Gang, I’d use an alternate route if it were me, even if I had to go to Luhm’s office which, when you think about it, has become a conduit leading to Gil.

So now we are left to slog through the plot just after a couple of days before we witnessed some Jordanesque moves. I guess we really can’t expect the 4,568 teachers to follow suit, not even perform the layup drills just to humor us, so kick back for some more J.R. Ewing and like it. Maybe after we slam down the antenna down on the boob tube a few times, we MIGHT return to basketball. Jerry Pulver ripping down another rebound without having to worry about seeing the Trinity River in the opening of “Dallas? It could happen.

 

Belated shout-out to Courtney Cooper of Louisville, Kentucky, who, though confined to a wheelchair, was out shopping at Wal-Mart and, boy, did she get her money’s worth. 4 bags and a mini-bag testified to her will to get out and about. Like Dan Fogelberg, her choices were clear and she chose to get busy livin’. Her friend, Angela Flanagan was there to guide her along and she is living herself. Angela is making this life worthwhile through her quiet strength, will, and determination. Both Courtney and Angela represent America through their nuts and bolts approach and IT WORKS. Treat them with respect PLEASE.

 

 

“So the badger says to the mushroom, ‘I can go down the hole faster than you can say ‘Hank Finkel’, morel.’

‘Big friggin’ deal’, replied the mushroom, ‘We run the Mushroom Marriott Suites at the tectonic level, rates starting at $57.99 and up, and we also serve Cheerios and Fruit Loops for breakfast while the Milford Holiday Inn doesn’t even serve Cocoa Puffs. I didn’t see you bring your Samsonite!!!!!!!!'”

The Milford Comedy Club ran out of onion rings and are forced to fix up a batch of bagels and lox.

 

“…a zebra from Madagascar???????”

 

If yore pickup has more giddy-up and stop than a dangling modifier cuz yore transmission don’t even run on a sentence, let alone a bottle of Dasani and ya bypass AAMCO ta have Merle and Geech have a look at it, ya might be a redneck.

 

 

CANTCOACHCANTCOACHCANTCOACHCANTCOACHCANTCOACHCANTCOACHCANTCOACHCANTCOACH

GOLF COURSE GOLF COURSE

ERNIE AND HIS PARRRRRROOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 

“Dag nab it, Kaz, didn’t I tell you to keep Moon out? If he sees our basketball players going down holes, we’ve got a lot of explaining to do. I wanted to keep this aerobics class a secret to motivate my players without attracting a lot of publicity.”

“Gil, I tried but he snuck through the vents. He used one of the holes to climb up the chute. I caught his camera just about when the team was aerobicizing to

FILION’S DEMMMMMMMMMOOOOOONNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

 

And while I’m enjoying Mrs. Living in America express her concerns over Filion’s funk, I wouldn’t put it past Thorpiverse to turn this basketball plot into “Invasion of The Body Snatchers.”

“Gil, he used to be able to dunk with two hands but now he can’t even thrown down on a Nerfhoop. Something’s different about him.”

Think about it. Thorpiverse desperate for ratings, attempts a new twist to the plot in the name of bringing back part of the audience who switched over to Roscoe Sweeney. There’s more of a chance of him and Buzz Sawyer playing one-on-one basketball in Sawyer’s driveway than perhaps the next few panels of this strip. I thought I’d never say that but as Dylan said, the times are definitely changin’. So the next thing you know, a pod appears beside Gil’s bed and essentially strangulates Gil and he becomes like Filion and the body-snatching of Milford is complete. Everybody’s got that monotone personality and they screech like an owl when they confront someone who is still human.

Now what do you do?

Invent some antidote, pick up the prescription at Milford Pharmacy, revive the players and incite them to go on to kick some A in the Playdowns and eventually bag another State Championship trophy. Hey, there was an antidote in Snow White. Maybe leave a couple of stragglers, say, Tiki, i.e., keep his pod by his bed, let him be an outcast for a few months and repeat the process in baseball. Instant plot renewal. You can retrieve the fan base once again and still win. In the bag.

 

Gang, remember when the episode on “Happy Days” where Richie Cunningham is trying to get Clarabelle the Clown’s face without his makeup? Like the group Kiss, their makeup was their persona and raison d’etre.

That said, Richie contrives a plot where he’s going to enter the Howdy Doody look-Alike Contest and by getting close enough to the action by being on the premises where he cango behind the scenes, he reasons that he has an excellent chance of photographing Clarabelle without his facade.

Of course, he has to get past the contest per se and the idea of Richie’s standing next to 3 8-year-old boys, all in their Howdy outfits is hilarious when you imagine the discrepancy. Cowboy Bob walks by each contestant to register the amount of applause each contestant gets and when he gets to Richie, the audience understandably applauds with a great amount of incredulity but nowhere near the level of the other three boys.

Still, winning the contest was not the intention, sorta like a Milford Baseball player on some Little League team in Williamsport, Pennsylvania, the team going on to win the World Championship. I’m sure he’d be uncomfortable posing with them, sorta like posing with the Rockettes. Anyway, Richie gets consoled by Cowboy Bob backstage which Richie takes in stride, really, what choice does he have? Especially when Cowboy Bob STILL appears to be oblivious to Richie’s intentions (“Kaz, why is Richie the C taking that basketball rack full of basketballs out to his station wagon?”) .

Suddenly, Richie spots his window of opportunity. Clarabelle the Clown has his makeup COMPLETELY OFF which gets Richie to grab his camera and get a bulls-eye shoot. He runs out of the studio with his prize possession.

In the next scene, Richie is with his parents, bragging about how Life Magazine had been unsuccessfully banging at the door to get his unmasked mug before the world. Richie is in hog heaven when he hears the doorbell ring. it’s Cowboy Bob and Clarabelle the Clown, the latter back in his makeup. And after the intros, Cowboy Bob tugs at Richie’s heart by explaining that if Clarabelle the Clown was ever unmasked, it would be the end of him, like The Joker revealing to the world that Batman is really Bruce Wayne. Richie swallows hard but decides in the end, perhaps wisely enough, to tear up the photograph. Tears of joy come out of Clarabelle the Clown  as Cowboy Bob observes (“All over the living room floor”-Mrs. Cunningham) .

Before we go any further, nobody questioned Richie’s motives when he was clearly a head above the competition? I mean, If Kareem were to enter the same contest and stand next to the same three boys, I’d be wondering what a guy 4 feet taller than the other guys in the room has up[his sleeve. The TV producer or the key grip or the #2 cameraman or even Cowboy Bob just lets Kareem participate anyway?

And where’s he going to put the Howdy trophy if he wins? In the trophy case next to his 1971 MVP Trophy? He’ll tell his grandkids that he slam-dunked Dennis the Menace because Dennis had blond hair and Howdy Doody had a thing for his afro? Cowboy Bob had considered converting to Islam and changing his moniker to Cowboy Shareef Abdul-Aziz?

Then there’s the camera. If a 7-footer with a Polaroid carries it past security and stashes it in the guest locker next to Clarabelle the Clown, knowing the latter is high risk, somebody at WDIG Studios where they hold the show oughta fire the Pinkertons.

“Well, Kareem, I knew you had it in ya. Congratulations!!!!!!!!!”

“Thanks. I was a little worried because Tommy Heinsohn did a nice job with that Revlon painting freckles on himself. But I was confident.”

“And well you should. And that Hank Finkel had no chance. Those Dingo Boots and that Arrow shirt just didn’t cut it. And he got tangled up in his own Howdy strings trying to get a drink of water. You were most definitely a cut above.”

“Thanks, Cowboy Bob.” They shake hands and part ways.

Kareem sees the kill. Headin’ to the locker and

FFFLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

At the L.A. Forum one day

“…Kareem, it’d be like Freddy Krueger chopping of your right arm with an axe so you couldn’t shoot the Sky Hook…”

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Places 3rd In The Howdy Doody Look-Alike Contest!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Luhm’s grandsons finish 1-2 in day-long event; Marty Moon disqualified due to goatee.”

 

Gang, have at it. Nothing like Kaz to weigh in when he has nothing better to do than add to the Body Snatcher discussion when he’s not Rent-A-Teacher. Really, Gil could have asked the other 4,566 teachers at Milford High about that pod in Filion’s locker but might have been repelled by Spicoli’s reefer odors in the adjoining locker. So when you’re worried that Filion turns into a zombie, just bail out and go to Kaz and pump some information.

“Kaz, I heard rumors that Filion ate one of the cafeteria ladies.”

“New one on me, Gil. I did notice him snortin’ with Spicoli out in his van but everybody reported for work in the cafeteria.”

 

Finally, I noticed that the world’s (reportedly) oldest human at 120-something was really a sham, her 99-year-old daughter evidently picking up the slack. You can understand my decision to stay neutral in this one.

“No, I saw her down at The Bucket sitting in the Senior Citizen’s Section, chowin’ down on a Bucket Liver Cheeseburger that she got with her Bucket Senior Discount, 15% off one of those babies. I know because I remember she couldn’t drink Mudlar-K-Cola Cherry Burst because the cherry formula would leave permanent stains on her dentures. Had to resort to milk.”

 

Today’s headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Historical Society Doubts Authenticity Of Gil’s Having Had Lunch At The Bucket With Chester A. Arthur.”

sub headline

“Documents confirm that The Bucket was established during Cleveland’s 2nd term; sources also point out that Dr. Pearl was a 9-year-old attending Milford Normal School.”

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