This Week in Milford

September 11, 2006

There’s no “I” in “Bored to tears”

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, football, Gil Thorp — jasbeattie @ 9:15 am

My God! I had been anxiously awaiting the start of football season in Milford, but little did I realize the storyline they came up with could already make me long for another 9 holes with Lanny and Marty Moon. The only new development today is the introduction of some non-descript dark-haired jerk.

What is even remotely interesting about the jerk? Um…a dorky headband? The world’s largest eye black make-up application ever? The fact that he has a partner in crime named Jason (who, with a name like that, is no doubt the most awesome guy in town)?

So is there any hope for a resolution to this problem that invovles violence? I’m still hoping…but I’m afraid the artist doesn’t want to have to draw anything that might resemble physical activity. Maybe if we’re lucky, it will turn out like the time the basketball team found out Ted Pearse was homeless…That was pretty awesome. (Also, perhaps not coincidentally, this was the last week that Gil Thorp showed genuine emotion. Checking out pissed-off Gil should alleviate any Monday blues brought on by this sad comic above.)

August 31, 2006

The Lesson is: Never Try

Filed under: Fat Guys, Marty Moon — jasbeattie @ 9:53 pm

There’s something obscene about the way Lanny has sprawled himself across the green in the first panel. Ew, I’ve grossed myself out, so let’s just move on.

In panel two, Von, showing all the emotional range of a Ken doll, seems far too nonchalant about his crappy…er I mean “classic” hustle being discovered. He’s lucky Lanny doesn’t want to bash in his freaky sculpted plastic skull. 

Which brings me to Lanny’s revelation…Excuse me, whaaaaaa?? So you’re not a hustler, you’re actually from the Coach Emma Brown school of ridiculous After-School Specials, are you? It’s nice you want to teach someone a lesson, but why waste your time on Marty Moon? You fool, Marty is the Milford Antichrist…he can’t be taught a lesson!(unless of course the lesson is how to be more evil, stupid or unpleasant.) The only good thing about this plot twist is it means that Lanny and his worst reason ever for hustling will be dropping off the storyline map soon. I’m guessing (and crossing fingers) that he has about, oh…one more comic of standing around grinning and looking wasted before he’s kicked to the curb in favor of high school football.

Oh and for God’s sake I really hope that’s his putter he’s waving around at Marty there. Talk about grossed out…

August 30, 2006


Filed under: Boredom in Milford — jasbeattie @ 9:55 pm

Have you noticed that this whole week, we have been on the same practice green, yet there have been no panels of anyone actually putting? In fact, you’d think from observing Von, that he’s not even sure which end of his putter is up…if you can even call that a putter. What the hell is that? If it is in fact a golf club, it’s gotta be one of those giant plastic kiddie ones. My best theory is that it’s actually Von’s hairbrush.

And when he refers to doubling up, is he referring to his size? Yesterday Von had a magic growth spurt in the second panel and today he’s managed to grow yet again, pinning poor dwarfed Lanny with his mighty club until he meets Von’s demands.

But will it work? Seeing as how a) Von is an idiot and b) Lanny makes a practice of hustling idiots, I’m going to go with, uh “no way.”

August 29, 2006

Von Haney Chicanery!

Filed under: Marty Moon, What the hell is going on here? — jasbeattie @ 1:11 am

OK, I’m back, folks! Like Marty Moon, I seem to have ended up dirty, unshaven and drunk in the back of some alley for several days, with only a hazy memory of how I lost several thousand dollars. (And big shoutout to frequent poster johnw who kept some excellent commentary running in my absence…)

So I still can’t figure out why Von and Spike have any interest in helping Marty Moon… Are they hoping to get him in enough trouble with Lanny that he winds up wearing cement shoes in the water hazard at 16?

And what special trick is he up to here anyway? From the looks of yesterday’s strip he’s putting with what could double as the key to the city. Whatever it is, I hope it’s as awesome as last summer when he foiled a bully using a bunch of flashlights. Though it would be pretty hard to top that…

Just slowly coming out of the haze here, so stay tuned for more fun posting later!

August 16, 2006

I can’t wait to see her card tricks…

Filed under: photoshop fun, What the hell is going on here? — jasbeattie @ 2:13 pm

OK, uh, wow. What the…?

So after getting past my initial reaction to today’s instalment, I’m ready to dive in to this mess. First off, I think Coach Brown needs lessons in how to whisper, unless her intent is to whisper to everyone BUT Riya. While we obviously can’t hear her, (though wouldn’t that be cool? It could add a whole other layer of weirdness to this comic…), I imagine her whisper volume rivals that of Homer Simpson.

Looks like I was right in my theory that the special job for Riya was really just a clever way of keeping the crappiest kid off the floor in order to improve the team’s overall score. Maybe New Bra Mom’s not such a bad coach after all. But what’s with these suggestions? Does she think that juggling equipment and decks of cards are lying around the gym for such situations? (“In case of need to keep teammate loose, break glass.” )

Unfortunately Riya is as bad at telling jokes as she as at gymnastics. All she has succeeded in doing with her “joke” is to tense up poor Keri, and the rest of us for that matter, with utter confusion. Is she smoking whatever the paintings ae made of? I actually did a double take not only at her comment, but her change in appearance as well. Has 6 months of puberty elapsed between panels 2 and 3?

Hmmm, flying hippo…Flying hippo? Where could she have gotten an idea like flying hippo?


Oh yeah. That does it.

August 11, 2006

What’ll the weather be? Scattered stupidity with 100% chance of first panel lightning

Filed under: Fat Guys, Marty Moon — jasbeattie @ 5:55 pm

What are the residual effects of the characters being struck by lightning in panel 1? Mandy’s hair remains, well, the same as ever, but in addition to saying “Ouch!” from the electric shock, it has rendered Von unable to hold the phone like a normal human.

On to panel 2, where Lanny is seeing to what limits of he can mess with Mr. Moon. Tomorrow: “Gee, I’d love to play, but I got into a drunken fight with Colin Farrell, and he knocked me off a 12 story building into a truck full of rusty nails…”

And yet again in panel 3, Marty appears blitzed out of his gourd. As several readers have noted, it’s really the only explanation at this point. But what’s the deal? How can the town villian suddenly be so lame? My theory, (since I now spend far too much time thinking about these things), is that Marty Moon is the negative quality chameleon of Milford. Need a character to be a mean jerk to a homeless kid? He’s there. Need someone to be a naive moron that you can’t feel sorry for? Marty’s your guy. And if they ever need a cross-dressing pedophiliac Nazi character, guess who it will be? Here’s hoping for the speedy transformation of Marty Moon back into some sort of evil freak.

And finally, a list of people fat golf hustler Lanny Penn has been accused of resembling:

I guess if you’re a hustler, you gotta change your look every couple days just to keep the marks from catching on…

August 8, 2006

The Mystery of Marty’s balls

Filed under: Boredom in Milford, Fat Guys, Marty Moon — jasbeattie @ 2:48 pm

This game of golf game just never ends does it? Well at least there will be some payoff at the end of today’s strip, right? We’ll get to see what Marty Moon’s $4.17 golf balls are really capable of! Will the explode? Emit poisonous fumes? Is there a hamster inside that is trained to run all willy-nilly when it reaches the green on the 18th hole? What could it be? (It seems Lanny has already packed a few into his jowls there…Maybe they really are eggs.)

And the answer is…

Gymanstics again?!? What the deuce? I’ll show you big gestures!! Guess we’ll have to wait at least one more day to learn the secret of Marty Moon’s magic balls.

Luckily, for at least some payoff, the mystery of which reincarnated historical figure Lanny Penn really is has been solved over at What’s So Funny? Not Golf. (Really people, he was just too damn fat to be Ben Franklin…)

10 strips since the last Gil Thorp sighting. I think that guy’s been hiding ever since I started overanalyzing his strip. Will he ever return? Come back, Gil!

August 7, 2006

Egg Plan 9 from the far side of the Moon

Filed under: Fat Guys, Marty Moon — jasbeattie @ 3:45 pm

Ah, a plan is brewing! Marty has finally discovered Lanny’s not-so-secret weakness for eating everything he can find, and has invested in a pack of Super-Lard brand Eggs (TM) (“Sooo expensive because they’re sooo fattening!”)TM. After whipping up a mighty tasty Denver omelette, he’ll feed it to Lanny in order to induce a heart attack, then Marty can take his wallet. That will show him who’s the boss*.

Meanwhile, we have an the third panel entirely devoted to remind everyone that Lanny Penn does in fact play golf. What is the real point here? Probably to show us all that despite his hunger for breakfast, Lanny can even play golf with his eyes closed. Getting himself into a zen-like state of readiness, he will crush Mr. Moon’s devious attempts to best him, with a little help from the groundskeeper dynamiting the course at just the right moment…though that pesky gopher will still get away.

*The boss is, and always has been, Tony.

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