This Week in Milford

Milford Pantheon of Hair

One of the great appeals of Milford, USA, is it has the widest variety of bizarre hairstyles per capita of any imaginary city in the country. As new and fascinating hair appears around town, its owners and their locks just may be lucky enough to be immortalized within the halls o’ hair below.

Jolene Raptor
inducted 9/29/08, by Marie

Jolene Raptor, super-mom! When not sending generously proportioned hip-hop enthusiast (and baseball star!) Brent Raptor off for menthols, she likes to simultaneously mock his weight and offer him potato chips, to ensure that he remains trapped with her in a hellish web of mutual co-dependence! Even Gil is unable to best her in hand-to-hand platitudes – she slams the door in his face! To get Brent out of Milford, Thorp has to resort to subterfuge, a lowly woman’s ploy: he gets Kaz’s cougar girlfriend to score free tickets for Jolene to Phoenix (hot!), then proceeds to consign Brent to junior college there, if only to get the Oedipal horror of the family Raptor as far from his eyes as possible! (Which we, the readers, are highly appreciative of.)

Oh, btw – you can tell Jolene is evil because of her weird hipster haircut. And that is why she is in this Pantheon.

Ted Pearse
inducted 8/25/08, by Marie

It certainly does take a lot of time and effort to be Ted Pearse, judging from the gloriously moussed collection of cowlicks that make up his fragile coif. Pearse’s choice of hairstyle is curious, given the strain that basketball can put on even the simplest of crewcuts. How does he keep his blond locks so lustrous and sweat-free? How does he keep the crimp in his bangs so firm and defiant? My guess: permanent wave, but only Ted Pearse knows for sure.

Gail Martin
inducted 8/17/08, by Mooch
gail

Often a hairstyle will become so identified with a celebrity that it becomes a part of that person, a part of their celebrity and an extension of the person themselves. Gail Martin’s braid is one such hairstyle. Despite being a wig, the braid symbolizes the twisted turns and kinks that Gail’s career and personal life have taken, and like Gail herself, is completely manufactured out of man-made fibers. It has taken her from her humble Tarzana Nights beginnings all the way up to her Milford Mid-Afternoons, and has become a look recognized the world over. A braid as famous as Carol Brady’s shag, Bo Derek’s cornrows, Farrah’s wind-blown mane and Persis Khambatta’s shorn dome has singlehandedly made Gail’s career as culturally relevant today as it ever has been.

Cully Vale and the yet-to-be-named Elf Fellow
inducted 10/20/07
20071020csgtp-a-p.jpg

Bask in the glorious hair of this comic. Go on. Bask. And when you’re done, bask some more.

“AMP”
inducted 2/20/07
androgynousmullet.gif

Coach Kaz
inducted 12/3/06

“They call me Heat Miser, What ever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch…I’m too much!”

Von Haney
inducted 8/29/06

“Dance, Bum rush the speaker that booms. I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom.”

Mandy Graham
inducted 8/6/06

“I couldn’t have done this without the strong love and support from David Gest…Hold on, it seems he’s back-talking again. Excuse me while I go smack ’em with a whiskey bottle.”

Hayley Keeler
inducted 8/1/06

“I would like to thank my mother for cutting my hair while I was in the middle of one of my gymnastics routines. Without her, this would not have been possible.”

23 Comments »

  1. What about the Human Torch? Brent “turd head” Raptor? There are some strong competitors in the men’s category, but given that it is Gil Thorp we’re talking about, telling the women from the men can be a trifle difficult.

    It seems that the artists for this strip skipped cartoon school the day they were teaching “how to draw hair”… or the day they taught “how to draw” period.

    Comment by Pelagius — August 7, 2006 @ 7:52 am

  2. Oh believe be, there are like 20 former characters who could automatically be enshrined here today…But I’ve arbitrarily decided that Pantheon members have to have made an appearance since I’ve started this silly blog. So let’s just say I’m anxiously awaiting Brent Raptor’s first visit home from junior college!

    Comment by jasbeattie — August 7, 2006 @ 8:29 am

  3. Does Gil’s hair count? I used to read this strip every day when I lived in the Midwest. Then I moved to New England and lost touch with it. In the meantime, an alien artist took command. He renders Gil as a Romulan commander, in an obvious prelude to invasion. They’re trying to convince us that Romulans are sensitive, insightful, and capable of helping us all reach our true potential.

    …as SLAVES!!!!!

    Comment by johnw — August 7, 2006 @ 3:15 pm

  4. I think turdhead raptor goes to the same stylist as hayley. Or they were separated at birth.

    Comment by jailbird — September 5, 2006 @ 4:43 pm

  5. Does Gil’s hair count? I used to read this strip every day when I lived in the Midwest. Then I moved to New England and lost touch with it. In the meantime, an alien artist took command. He renders Gil as a Romulan commander, in an obvious prelude to invasion.

    I miss the old Gil hair myself. He had sort of a Clint Eastwood thing going on when I was younger.

    Comment by Ennui, Willie Keeler — September 11, 2006 @ 8:54 pm

  6. Surely, Assisant Coach Heat Miser has one of the finest do’s in Milford!

    Comment by Islamorada Girl — November 8, 2006 @ 7:19 pm

  7. Stormy’s hair on 11/19 is a sure winner.

    Comment by Fuzzyman — November 22, 2006 @ 4:57 pm

  8. Whiny Jim Gross needs to go in. And possibly Bald Brynna.

    Comment by Andy — July 13, 2007 @ 1:16 pm

  9. Gail Martin’s trademark braid has earned it’s rightful place here…

    Comment by Mooch — July 25, 2007 @ 11:59 pm

  10. I say we induct The Braid into this hall of greatness.

    Comment by Matt Ramone — August 20, 2007 @ 7:18 am

  11. I’m thinking we need to induct Principle Bun-Wings, too, for a hairstyle that attempts to be more than just a hairstyle, but is also aerodynamically efficient.

    Comment by Mooch — September 6, 2007 @ 7:11 pm

  12. Franken-Ape Cully deserves a spot here for sure.

    Comment by Gil'sBarber — September 11, 2007 @ 11:18 am

  13. I’m with Mooch. Cully has definitely earned his place on this list, but Gail Martin’s braid needs to reside along side these other gloriously hair challenged Milfordites…or is it Millfordians?

    Comment by dusty — October 20, 2007 @ 2:26 pm

  14. […] Week in Milford’! You may have noticed that there is a swell link to the right called Milford Pantheon of Hair. I’ve always meant to add more characters…(especially from the Frank McLaughlin era) […]

    Pingback by Help Wanted! « This Week in Milford — July 29, 2008 @ 11:04 am

  15. […] To commemorate this rather arbitrary occasion, feel free to check out the latest addition to the Pantheon of Hair: Gail Martin, as authored by […]

    Pingback by Half a million Mudlarks can’t be wrong! « This Week in Milford — August 17, 2008 @ 10:07 pm

  16. That’s such a great comic. The guy’s not even projecting his voice; it looks like he’s manipulating his temples in order to telepathically project his thoughts directly to Gail Martin, only for some reason it also requires him to scream his head off (I wonder if I could get that by the Randi guys? “I can telepathically project thoughts to people, I just need to yell what I’m thinking at them at the same time”). Then when Kaz tries to set that guy straight, his date (?) is pissed off at Kaz! It’s wonderful even beyond the legendary first panel.

    Comment by Burton Radons — August 19, 2008 @ 4:59 pm

  17. […] you are still paying attention (and why would you be?), why not check out the latest entry into the Pantheon of Hair: Ted Pearse, as written by […]

    Pingback by The Summer that Elmer Ruined « This Week in Milford — August 26, 2008 @ 8:17 am

  18. I think you forget that Ted Pearse is/was secretly homeless. His hair is styled with 100 percent hobo grease.

    Comment by jfruh — August 26, 2008 @ 4:45 pm

  19. I submit Steve Luhm, who undoubtedly predates this blog, but there we are, nonetheless.

    http://joshreads.com/?p=190

    Quoth Josh:
    “panel two looks like he stuffed his hair into pantyhose and let it fall over his forehead.”

    Comment by Charles — September 28, 2009 @ 6:15 pm

  20. […] around here may just get us through another horrid waste of a summer. So, remember when…all haircuts were a discgrace in Milford? I think that was around the time Patton was […]

    Pingback by Major F***ing Dad takes over « This Week in Milford — August 4, 2010 @ 11:12 pm

  21. […] for Boo. As previously noted we’re getting a lot of hair in this plotline. Nothing quite pantheon level but, at this rate, Boo might be able to earn some sort of lifetime achievement […]

    Pingback by The Eyes Have It | This Week in Milford — June 16, 2015 @ 11:53 pm

  22. It looks like the slash-and-burn technique failed with Jolene Raptor in P3. If I were to design a toboggan for any future events in Extreme Tobogganing in the X-Games, I would base my design on the top of Jolene’s head. Jolene, your attempt at mimicking Aimee Mann from the ‘Til Tuesday era should be truncated at the earliest convenience but maybe there’s some inside info from the world of cosmetology that I’m not privy to and that’s just as well.

    Comment by T. Drew Hardin — September 29, 2016 @ 2:47 pm

  23. And while we’re at it, Von Haney is the only human whose head is serviced by the ChemLawn rep once a week. I imagine he has a hard time explaining to the True Value people why he needs Weed-B-Gon.

    Comment by T. Drew Hardin — September 29, 2016 @ 8:06 pm


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