Milford Pantheon of Hair

One of the great appeals of Milford, USA, is it has the widest variety of bizarre hairstyles per capita of any imaginary city in the country. As new and fascinating hair appears around town, its owners and their locks just may be lucky enough to be immortalized within the halls o’ hair below.

Jolene Raptor
inducted 9/29/08, by Marie

Jolene Raptor, super-mom! When not sending generously proportioned hip-hop enthusiast (and baseball star!) Brent Raptor off for menthols, she likes to simultaneously mock his weight and offer him potato chips, to ensure that he remains trapped with her in a hellish web of mutual co-dependence! Even Gil is unable to best her in hand-to-hand platitudes – she slams the door in his face! To get Brent out of Milford, Thorp has to resort to subterfuge, a lowly woman’s ploy: he gets Kaz’s cougar girlfriend to score free tickets for Jolene to Phoenix (hot!), then proceeds to consign Brent to junior college there, if only to get the Oedipal horror of the family Raptor as far from his eyes as possible! (Which we, the readers, are highly appreciative of.)

Oh, btw – you can tell Jolene is evil because of her weird hipster haircut. And that is why she is in this Pantheon.

Ted Pearse
inducted 8/25/08, by Marie

It certainly does take a lot of time and effort to be Ted Pearse, judging from the gloriously moussed collection of cowlicks that make up his fragile coif. Pearse’s choice of hairstyle is curious, given the strain that basketball can put on even the simplest of crewcuts. How does he keep his blond locks so lustrous and sweat-free? How does he keep the crimp in his bangs so firm and defiant? My guess: permanent wave, but only Ted Pearse knows for sure.

Gail Martin
inducted 8/17/08, by Mooch

Often a hairstyle will become so identified with a celebrity that it becomes a part of that person, a part of their celebrity and an extension of the person themselves. Gail Martin’s braid is one such hairstyle. Despite being a wig, the braid symbolizes the twisted turns and kinks that Gail’s career and personal life have taken, and like Gail herself, is completely manufactured out of man-made fibers. It has taken her from her humble Tarzana Nights beginnings all the way up to her Milford Mid-Afternoons, and has become a look recognized the world over. A braid as famous as Carol Brady’s shag, Bo Derek’s cornrows, Farrah’s wind-blown mane and Persis Khambatta’s shorn dome has singlehandedly made Gail’s career as culturally relevant today as it ever has been.

Cully Vale and the yet-to-be-named Elf Fellow
inducted 10/20/07

Bask in the glorious hair of this comic. Go on. Bask. And when you’re done, bask some more.

“AMP”
inducted 2/20/07

Coach Kaz
inducted 12/3/06

“They call me Heat Miser, What ever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch…I’m too much!”

Von Haney
inducted 8/29/06

“Dance, Bum rush the speaker that booms. I’m killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom.”

Mandy Graham
inducted 8/6/06

“I couldn’t have done this without the strong love and support from David Gest…Hold on, it seems he’s back-talking again. Excuse me while I go smack ’em with a whiskey bottle.”

Hayley Keeler
inducted 8/1/06

“I would like to thank my mother for cutting my hair while I was in the middle of one of my gymnastics routines. Without her, this would not have been possible.”