“Hello, Rex? I’m Still At The Game. Leo Just Botched The Kickout. Just Stick The Totino’s In The Microwave And Set It For Five Minutes.”

I don’t know who’s doing more piddling around, Rex or Gil, but if this was the Kentucky Derby, we’d have to go to the photo to see who won as both are getting pretty absurd in the plot development category. I have read Gasoline Alley forever and many times it centers around these two ragamuffins, Rufus and Joel, who many times make Rocket Science out of projects that Bob Vila could complete in 15 minutes blindfolded. That’s pretty much the case in Glenwood and Milford.

Rex Morgan first. June, his wife (no relation to The Jetsons’ “Jane, his wife!!!!!) , has been grocery shopping and, all righty then, some senior citizen slipped and fell on the ice in the grocery store parking lot and June is there to pick him him up with the help of this codger’s wife. No broken bones, no bleeding, no harm, no foul. I’m fine, Mrs. Morgan. Get your ass on to shopping so your kids don’t burn down the house. So June goes rolling merrily along and is torn between Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff and Hamburger Helper Wild-Caught Tuna Helper Off The Coast Of Acadia National Park when another doyen is practically puking in the aisle because his blood sugar is down. Well, you know the Morgans, they may move like a snail to reach the climax in the story but June isn’t about to tell him that she has to get the Red Baron Pepperoni out of the microwave before it gets cold. Therefore, she fixes him up and gives him great advice (Two 3 Musketeer Bars and call Rex in the morning) and sends him off to the Reduced For Markdown section where Milford IGA is trying to sell off the excess gala apples. Okay, the world is safe for Democracy even after Russia tried to invade Glenwood twice but June and the Glenwood militia shot down both Goodyear blimps and order was restored. Plus, she got the tenderloins that had been out for two weeks because of the grocery workers strike.

But noooooooooo, the Morgan kids are revolting, declaring “Off with her head!!!!!!” and are going to nuke their own Lean Cuisine Meat Loaf and Mashed Potatoes Hungry Man Edition, thank you, and you’d think the plotline gods would answer the charges in that regard. You think that and I have plenty of property in Glenwood that makes great atmosphere for deer hunting, cheap, I might add. Nope, June encounters some jerk who’s speeding on the icy roads and then rams into a woman who had her dog in the back, going by the name Petey. So we’re in neutral once again while we watch Leo Atazhoon make a fool out of himself in some basketball action. Keep the crock pot on “simmer”, Rex, we’re going to overtime.

June is watching another travesty unfold but thankfully not in her backyard and I don’t mean with Mimi and Country Tyme Lemonade. If I’m getting the number system correctly, 4 is a power forward, apropos for Leo who has a high school build at that position. Rod, whose name has yet to be revealed (Rod Nameless? Rod Anonymous? I’ll check the Milford Phone Directory in a few minutes) unless I might have missed somebody and Thorpiversed the list, is 3 or 1 and usually 1 is the point guard and 3 is the small forward. It’s not above the small forward to launch the trey and a point guard shoots when the defense is packed tighter than June’s tunaburger lunch so I can see Rod in either scenario. I don’t really think he’s at 2 where Gil has the shooting guard well away from the top of the key and scratching his derrière while Rod and Leo exchange assists with each other. Yeah, 2 guard, just stand right there close as you can to the scorer’s table and picking your nose, I want to deke Bradley out of their Crayola uniforms.

And, okay Coach, you’re trying to play inside-outside, basically the trademark of the Triangle offense and with Rod and Leo sharing the rock, no one will gripe and complain because everyone is sharing the wealth. But where the heck is 5 (normally the center) ???? Maybe Gil’s (or Coach Ochoa’s) hand is covering him but what is he doing way over by the weak side? What’s he going to do, streak on the runway for an easy alley oop if the defense isn’t paying attention or the 2 guard is getting too bored to care? Shoot a 15-footer at a 45 degree angle and pray it goes in after the Rod-Leo Connection failed to connect the dots? Is 5 even on the play board AT ALL???? What’s he doing, scratching his butt on the goal supports to serve as a decoy? He took a bathroom break? That’s not in the contract, Coach. Smooching with Amelia to put a damper on her heartbreak? Screaming nicknames with Vic “I’m not in the diagram either” Doucette?

And did you see the goal? My goodness, you could hold a Jehovah’s Witness convention between that and the end line. The goal is normally, going by high school dimensions, about seven feet from the end line. It might as well be 700 on Gil’s chart. Was Gil using a play board that went Metric? Maybe the 5 is disguised as a member so that all eyes are on him so Leo can jam when no one’s looking. The 2 guard is too far away, he’s buttering up Homer the Referee when he’s doing the 5 count on player possession. Coach, why don’t you go ahead and put Amelia and her snack wagon in front of the 2 guard? Set a screen in case defense is overplaying so that 2 can slash to the basket. You know, beat the overload on the Triangle? Or Rhombus?

Gang, I am a Sudoku and crossword fanatic and I noticed a clue today that was pretty ridiculously obvious when you stop and think about it. The clue was “One of the Three Stooges”. Now if the answer is five letters, it’s a toss-up between Larry and Curly. But what if the answer is three letters? What else could there be besides Moe? Maybe Gil? Or Kaz?

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Melvin Snerdly Wins Milford Enquirer 28th Annual Jumbo Crossword Extravaganza In A Contest Down To The Wire!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O. J.: ‘Man, that dude beat me on ‘Strait west of Alaska’ and I forgot Bering has no A in it.’”

At a phone booth right outside Milford’s gym

“Honey, they’re in triple overtime but it should end soon. Three players from both teams have fouled out. I should be home in time to get dinner started. Set the oven to preset.”

“I hope so, June. We’re on our 5th can of Spam. Thank Gil we have 300 cases in the pantry downstairs in the basement.”

“Oh, I heard the buzzer!!!!!!! Gotta go!!!!!!!!”

What is it with everybody answering in unison???? Sure there’s no “I” in the word TEAM but there isn’t one in CULT either. They mindlessly answer the coach in a numb tone? And as long as zombies are playing for the Mudlarks, where’d the fifth zombie go? Or are we playing 4-on-4 due to budget cutbacks? No wonder why you don’t see the 5 in the diagram. Or if Gil is hiding him, it’s because he doesn’t want any School Board member to know Gil squeezed a fifth because he took out a loan at Milford Federal. The plotlines are not only chameleon and inconsistent but they’re confusing as well. A play that only involves four players and the Milford Munchkins answering in unison while 5 ran off with the spoon and the Mock Turtle took the place of Vic “I ran off with one of Luke Loser’s VT Girls Basketball players” Doucette as PA announcer and the Mad Hatter took Ericka’s place as Mimi’s swing coach? What will they think of next? Oh God, I let the horse leave the barn.

Lou Henson was a popular men’s college basketball coach with stops at New Mexico State (his alma mater, FYI) and Illinois who had a brilliant basketball mind and was an excellent motivator. The negative on him was he was not a very good disciplinarian. A good friend of mine that served as my partner many times as a rec league basketball official had a daughter who was married to Scott Haffner, who played for Illinois. The reason why he transferred?

My friend told me that Henson had the players in a huddle one particular game where he barked out “Okay, guys, this is the play I want to run!!!!!!!” A player shot back “Nah, go to Hell, Coach, we ain’t running that play!!!!!!” Haffner not surprisingly enrolled at another university shortly thereafter.

At Milford gym, late in the game against Valley Tech

“Okay, gentlemen, here’s the play!!!!!!”

“No, go to Hell, Coach, we ain’t running that garbage!!!!!!!!”

“Kaz, do you want to return to that Gutless Gil????”

Speaking of officiating, Thorpiverse, your butt is most clearly sticking out so badly a blind man could see it from clear across the gym. Will you please read the rule book next time before you open your mouth? We already have one blowhard who gets his feet licked on by his assistant. Don’t make two.

T-verse, having been licensed as a high school basketball official and passed the open book high school basketball official’s exam with a grade of 99 but never pursued it seriously because I was coaching my nephew at the time, you are so full of Gil, you’re dripping with Brylcreem. FIRST OFF, a technical does not AT ALL deal with illegal contact such as what Leo (hopefully no relation to Luke) is perpetrating with the schmuck in P2. Technicals deal mainly with unsportsmanlike contact. If you punch Homer the referee, not only will he probably not ever do your 5-game schedule again, you’re suspended for quite some time. But no technical is involved. A flagrant foul more appropriately but there are different procedures for that and I’ll get to that in a minute. But if you shout at Homer the Referee “Where’d you get your license, out of Heehaw’s purse at Milford Adult Center?”, now you have grounds for a technical as it is clearly verbal (99% of technicals fit that category) . The key is unsportsmanlike conduct and the words that ensue. If you say “There’s two basketballs over there, Homer, Coach Ochoa is running Double Back Layup drills again over by where 5 is scratching his butt on the end line”, this is hardly grounds for a technical. But if you say “Have you been smooching Luke’s balls again? His assistant does enough of that, many times without even kneeling”, now Homer has some fodder to blow a T. No leeway in this situation.

Before we go any further, I’m sure Leo might have been sending a message but in P2, it doesn’t appear to be flagrant. I would have called a player-control foul (charging) but again, I’ll get to that in a minute. The point is, Thorpiverse and Marty are raising a stink where there’s no Luke in the building. Homer the Referee can possibly, just possibly call Excessive Swing of the Elbows. Leo Lunkhead again does appear to be sending a message “I’m pretending you’re a Milford Militia trying to interrupt our game in the name of Homeland Security” but all you can do is call charging if there’s contact or a violation if there’s not. That might have changed and it might be an intentional foul now but let me deal with that down the pipe as well. The Excess Swinging rule was obviously meant to protect the defense from getting knocked cold when they’re trying to steal the rock from Herk the Mauler. No sense in being slung in the turnbuckle while trying to take a swipe at the ball.

A Player Control Foul or charging is called when someone on offense, normally the dribbler, gains unfair advantage by plowing into a stationary defensive player who has both feet glued to the floor and has not violated the Vertical Plane (imaginary line drawn vertically straight up from the player’s feet to his head) . That appears to be the case here. In high school rules, assuming this one hasn’t changed since I hung up the whistle, charging is called, no free throws are shot but the offended team gets the ball taken out of bounds nearest the violation and the player is charged with a foul. So when Leo Lunkhead is attempting to make sense of this plot by stampeding into Gil’s office and threatening to run him over with the riding mower he stole out of Gil’s garage if he doesn’t get his plotline ducks in a row, Leo is hit with a charging foul. No free throws are shot but the concession stand worker fills up the riding mower tank with gas because Gil is too damn cheap and the School Board was cutting back anyway. Nearest the violation. Don’t forget.

Here’s where the confusion seems to be at its peak in this crapola of a story so far. If, in the referee’s judgment, contact from one player is excessive and uncalled for, he or she does not call a technical foul. Again, that is only for unsportsmanlike conduct. Homer the Referee would instead call a flagrant foul, indicating that Leo Lugnut went too far when he drove the switchblade in the Bradley player’s sternum. Even if the Bradley dude was unjustified in saying Leo’s mom uses Downy Bath Towels when sponge-bathing Heehaw, it is up to Leo Lugnut to use proper restraint. If he chooses to apply the sleeper hold anyway, a flagrant foul is called, the player (in this case, LL) is ejected from the game, the foul called is awarded to the offending team’s foul totals, two free throws are awarded to the offended team and then awarded the ball, taken out-of-bounds at the half-court line opposite the scorer’s table. Again, it doesn’t appear to be excessive in P2 but dammit, T-verse, you DEFINITELY don’t call a technical if you think it is indeed excessive and unnecessary and also could cause injury. Does the Milford City Police Meter Official cite you for insubordination if you put a bomb in his or her Milford Police Official Vehicle’s trunk and it blows Gil’s confiscated secret photos of him and Beth to smithereens so that six blocks of traffic is cordoned off? Rest my case.

Intentional Foul is called if, in Homer the Referee’s judgement, the foul was deemed deliberate. Much contact leading to fouls are done with the player not intending to get called for the foul. But if the foul is considered deliberate, the referee signals by crossing his arms above his head, the foul called is added to that offending team’s foul totals, two free throws are awarded to the offended team, then the ball is awarded to them at the spot nearest where the intentional foul took place. The purpose was twofold: It stopped silly and unnecessary fouling towards the end of the game when the team behind in the score was desperately trying to foul to stop the clock to have a better chance of overcoming the deficit. Darrius can tackle Pedro when Milford is playing on the gridiron but when Pedro is trying to dribble out the clock, a quarterback sack by Darrius is grounds for an intentional foul. Darrius doing the Sack Dance is definitely grounds for a technical. Dancing like James Brown when he’s soloing on Living in America is excessive celebrating and this is where the Unsportsmanlike Conduct and thereby a technical comes into play. Plus, I’d personally blow a T for Darrius dancing like his pants need D-Con sprayed all over. Anyway, the second purpose was it cut down on injuries. No sense in shoving Tobias into someone’s tuba in the Milford Pep Band just to get the ball back.

One other thing. Excessive swinging penalties have in all likelihood gotten stronger. As I mentioned earlier, it used to be a violation like traveling or double-dribble and the ball was simply turned over to the other team if no contact was involved. But if they have gotten stronger, my guess is they are enforced roughly along intentional foul procedures, depending on that State’s High School Athletic Association policies. If Pedro excessively swings his elbows and knocks Dr. Pearl’s dentures down her duodenum and she is forced for a lifetime to eat Gerber Sliced & Diced Carrots with her Ensure, Pedro is called for an intentional foul and we go from there and Dr. Pearl goes to her dentist for the best deals on Polygrip.

“Nah, go to Hell, I ain’t running that again!!!!!!!”

“Gil, the copier is down and your Homer the Referee Meal Money Reports-2018 didn’t go through. Could you use Ms. Risk’s copier in the press room?”

At the phone booth outside of Milford gym once again

“Rex, they’re in the coin flip now to determine what basketball goal to defend. It should be done in half an hour. Just keep the Bob Evans Spiced Mashed Potatoes on low boil on the stove and have the kids play Fantasy Rugby.”

“Not a problem, Dear. I can’t find the game, I think Mrs. Heehaw took it when she was getting bored at the Adult Center. I’ll keep the kids entertained with Bruce Pandolfini’s Chess Endgame Procedure Puzzles.”

Wait a minute. What happened to Bob Barker? I mean, I know he has, or had, a busy schedule as 111-year-old sexy go-go men on the go usually do but wasn’t he sharing broadcasting duties with Marty Moon???? Did he finally ditch The Price is Right???? Oh (SMACK) Drew Carey is doing the show now. Mr. Barker has more time. T-verse, you not only need a serious refresher (or perhaps an orientation) on High Athletic Association Basketball rules but you don’t have Dandy Don Barker doing co-play-by-play with a man who does broadcasting and snake handling with equal equanimity, then have Dandy Don Barker go walk his bassett hounds. We had two broadcasters for the price of one until you sent Bob Barker back to “Truth or Consequences”. And to think, Marty could show Barker the ropes, such as How To Undermine Coach Thorp’s Authority by announcing on the air “Calling hit-and-run when you’re down 15-0 in the last inning makes as much sense as Coach Kim hosting The Price is Right (Luke Lunkhead!!!!!!!! Come on down!!!!!! You’re the next contestant on The Price…) “ or “Mimi could coach croquet better than you coach basketball”. Marty could show Bob Barker where he stashes his Jack Daniels, many places created during Prohibition. Just open that hatch under your seat, Bob, and watch out for the G-men. Marty could show Bob Barker how to shove Marjie Ducey out of the way for an interview. Just have the kids do Double Basketball Layup Drills when Marjie gets out of her Volkswagen Jetta. Pretend like the goal is her note pad. Shoot, nobody will notice, Bob. Gil always goes “First come, first served”. He doesn’t care that you slam-dunked your ethics down the Milford Star editor’s throat.

But at this point, Marty appears to be going it alone. Geez, no wonder why he’s confused on the Technical Foul Rule. Bob Barker isn’t there to go buy a rule book at halftime.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Georgianna Gruffcorn Declared Winner At Milford Enquirer 28th Annual Jumbo Crossword Extravaganza In A Sudden Death Showdown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“She answered correctly the four-letter clue ‘Great at imitating but never achieving’ with ‘Mimi’ when her opponent answered ‘Mime’.”

In P3, it appears that Leo Lugnut has cooled down enough to curtail his elbow-free-for-all but he’s not exiting the strip without getting his last licks, and I don’t mean the ones he borrowed from Coach Kim. These licks are above the belt. And I’ll admit Leo needs to cool down even though he really shouldn’t have been slapped with a T (see above) .

What’s funny now (depending on your interpretation of “funny”) is Leo’s teammates utters a comment that doesn’t even fall into Foghorn Leghorn territory. It’s a funny but makes absolutely no sense. Did he mean that they’d be intimate at the dinner table with candles shining on the dinner Rex and the kids left in the oven? Okay, in principle, I can see the analogy but in reality recreating a scene only Amelia and Ericka could appreciate only substituting Leo and the Bradley defender with wine flowing from the heavens is like trying to imagine Coach Kim with no one to brown-nose, above or below. With Henry Mancini’s “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” softly emanating from the Close ‘n’ Play? Hey, I say, hey, I just told another funny.

“Leo Atazhoon’ is ejected from the game, Bradley will shoot two free throws in a moment but an officials Time out has been called to sweep the Cracker Jack, prize included, off the floor. Let’s take a time out of our own with the score, Milford, 45, Bradley, 39. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At Homer the Referee’s house in a nice subdivision of Milford at 11:05PM after a triple OT thriller at Milford gym

“Homerette, don’t waste my time. I don’t want to throw you out of the building either like I had to with Luke Lunkhead so let’s get down to business!!!!!! You’re about to feel the power I had to have that loser escorted out by the Pinkertons!!!!!!!!”

“Oh, Homer, I love it when you talk dirty. Let me get ejected-uh, I think YOU’RE the one that needs to get shown the door by Milford High School Loss Prevention.”

“Honey, I went to that Get Hard On Your Person As Strongly As You Do On Coach Thorp In Conference Tournaments Seminar sponsored by the Valley Conference Board of Basketball Officials. The clinician there gave me some medication that’s similar to NyQuil. Now, I’m more rigid than my whistle and I sleep better. I just have to be careful when I turn over in bed. It’s worse than being on a teeter-totter.”

“Homer, if you ref’d like you had sex, it’d be like Barney the Dinosaur blowing a T on Coach Kim. I’d hate to see what your whistle would look like. I’m envisioning breathing through a kazoo that failed the acid test. If you can’t bring it on, go be a Domino’s driver that delivers soft breadsticks to Dr. Morgan’s kids.”

“Listen here, Darling, the clinic gave a free Heimlich maneuver procedure where if you bend over, somebody from behind grabbed you by the waist and jerked it convulsively towards your navel. It was designed to produce a jolt in your bloodstream to unclog those arteries hindering free flow and a monster that could do serious damage. And you know what? I’m harder than Bob Knight on Tom Rucker.”

“Unless Godzilla grabbed your waist, you don’t look anymore erect than the Empire State Building on a Lionel train layout. And Tom Rucker could hold off Coach Knight because he had backbone in more places than just his back. Maybe Vap-o-Rub might get on the road to recovery.”

“I tell you what, you’re going to take my rigid Polski Wyrob and like it!!!!!!!! We were in the Meditative Techniques To Enrich Sexual Enhancement and they played Enya’s “Sail Away” 143 times. I seconded the motion for the Seminar to return next year to the Milford Moose Lodge Fellowship Hall because I was hornier than a Gila monster that avoided the semi at Route 66 In Arizona. I had to turn sideways to exit, I was that frigid, er, rigid.”

“I think a Gila monster or a Komodo dragon has been chewing on your person because neither couldn’t find any chickadees to dine on. I’m more worried that more will get ejected from the Valentines Day Holiday Tournament than from your garden hose. Do yourself a favor and stop by Milford Men’s Clinic after that freshman game you’re scheduled to do this Tuesday.”

“I’ll show you who’s the dragon around here-“

PLOP!!!!!!!!

“What’s this piece of paper? Hmmmmm, it’s a note from that clinician. He asked if those tea leaves he prescribed along with a can of Sprite is getting you results?”

Silence

“Well?”

“She was right. Lipton Tea wasn’t going to get me any harder than castor oil. I had to face the facts, if I couldn’t face my lack of masculinity, how could I face Gil or Luke? Whistle-blowing would have been a formality. I hustled right down to Milford Men’s Clinic to get my sex life straightened out. Best call I ever made other than when I told Norman Dale to hit the showers. With the EREC-3521 For Referees Only medications that I take twice a day after I gulp down my Ultra Slim-Fast, Gil may still challenge my manhood, but my wife doesn’t. I throw her out of the game every night and it is fun to point her to the exits under the sheets. Come get your own manhood under control and get a grade of 100 on the open book exam. Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

Gang, I keep telling you, that is not a Correctable Error in P2. This whole plot’s an error and it’s far from correctable.

But God bless you, Gang.

“Rex, Gil is down to two players so he can still play. I’ll be home to check the crock pot in 45 minutes.”

“Take your time, June. We’re still trying to find all the Jenga pieces. I think one flew in the bird cage.”