This Week in Milford

January 6, 2022

Boys Will Be Girls.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 2:24 pm

Gang, I am honestly trying to give the benefit of the doubt but unless Gil brought his own team along for a doubleheader, WHAT is that male-looking figure doing on the court in P3? And he’s/she’s not making this any easier with that bit of scuzz on his/her face. Don’t forget to shave before you walk on the court, Hollis.

We were hoping SOMETHING might turn around and with the victory over St. Rita, we not only FINALLY got some action but a road dub along the way. Then Chocolate Thunder came in and crashed the St. Rita’s goal. And we are trying to pick up the glass and facial hair off the floor. Are we going co-ed here? Males can only check in for males? Females for females? Males can only use their opposite hand when shooting free throws? Can’t back down a female in the paint? Only females can kick the ball when the ball is passed? Males get T’d up for same violation?

This gets sillier and sillier. Mimi is going to tell the Bad News Bears that they played like the ’86 Celtics and even as she speaks to Gilberto, Larry Bird w/ Peach Fuzz is shaking hands after the game. Sometimes the plot itself doesn’t need to exert its doggerel through campy dialogue and events, it just relies on sight gags like in P3. Like it’s our job to sort out the bodies when we can’t find Peach Fuzz from French Lick in the program. He’s here somewhere. Oh yeah, here he is, he’s on Injured Reserve after a St. Rita’s girl waylaid him after he made one too many advances. It’s a safe bet he won’t be behind her when they line up for the lay-up drill.

And I’ve heard of walking it up the floor but not at a Talking Heads “Same As It Ever Was” pace. Goodness, David Byrne ought to be the point guard. Which makes me wonder what kind of point guard St. Rita’s has. A refugee from the dancing troupe in the “One Night in Bangkok” show? One night in Milford drove me so darn senseless. I can see the plotline reeking over me. One night in Milford is a drag by consensus. I can feel ol’ Gil oozing stupidly. You’ve seen one Gil or god or both, you’ve seen them all.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Loses Bundle At Milford Gaming House!!!!!!!!!!! Will Have To Sell His SUV In His Condo Garage!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I wish Coach Mimi would quit putting her scrubs in the 3rd quarter. She’s killing the spread.”

We knew at some certain point after Elvis entered uninvited to crow on his game-in-progress that we wouldn’t have to be subjected to this torture forever. And we weren’t. Why not switch off Blabbermouth and return to the distaff portion of basketball where matters are just as comical. Bozo the Male or Bozo the Female, this circus doesn’t discriminate. Except I don’t think Air Force Annie is going to dominate with 28 points, 17 rebounds, then go shout it from a table top at The Bucket. Don’t forget your Blu-Blockers, Hollis. If you’re going to be a butt-wiping officious braggadocio like Elvis Costello, you need to look the part. Yeah, shake that thang and wear them shades while you prate on your slam-dunk escapades on your hapless St. Rita’s opponent. You may have been ejected for Gus Johnson’ing the rim but that did more damage than Elvis did with his pittance behind the 3-point arc. Three-for-five is respectable but isn’t going catch the enemy with his or her pants down. In yo face sends the message that you better be doing more than bombing the occasional 3 if you’re not on the bench playing fantasy Gil. You won’t get ejected anyway. It’s like doing the Ickey Shuffle without anybody noticing because they went to the concession stands. Ickey away, Elvis.

“Coach, I need those Betting Ticket Compilation-Milford Boys Basketball Report-2018 on my desk this afternoon.”

“No problem. I still need to make sure Coach Kaz was betting on the IU-Purdue game that year and nothing more. He’ll be back from lunch in 15 minutes.”

And Milford holds its ground on defense which contributed mightily to the win. Coach Knight always had a formula: Team Defense + Shot Selection = W. And Milford Girls Basketball proved that today, albeit I am a bit mystified by Landry’s Barbie Doll stance on defense. She makes a great block but she shouldn’t try to do si do the St. Rita’s girl or she might throw out her back. But Landry in the end is holding her ground and not allowing the St. Rita’s player to dunk the beach ball. I would never know how to face my friends if some St. Rita’s apparatchik did a windmill jam with the oversized Nerfball on my watch.

I hope this isn’t all the action we’re getting, some Mudlark doing a rain dance with the ball while another Mudlark is a Matchstick Man. The excitement never stops. Cutting over to Gil trying to be cheerleader does not bode well on that score. I enjoyed watching your Rock ’em Sock ’em action figures pull out the victory; now go tell them they defended like Wilt the Stilt before we cut away to The Bucket where Elvis hasn’t left the building since Tuesday.

Seen on a bulletin board in the boys locker room

“Less Coaching + Increased Pension Payout = Permanent Duration on the Links at MCC.

And I thought this runaway plot was supposed to be about Hollis Talley. She reneged on her appointment, she is AWOL, so now she sits at the end of the bench disguised as the student manager. While the MP’s comb the gym and the locker room, Landry Carlson swats it in the 15th row so that the MP’s admire the face job and completely forget their prey for the moment. Then they leave and go down to see if she is hiding under a table at Milford Lounge. Or maybe under Marty’s broadcast booth. Naaaaa, he only hides Peaches or his booze under there. Better keep this silly plotline basic.

So go on and dominate some more, Landry. Swat the next one so it lands in Marty’s martini when he’s racking up the stats. We need excitrment and adventure. Make me feel like I’m reading a Tom Swift Space Adventure. Swat the rock into Jupiter while Hollis goes AWOL on Neptune. The possibilities are endless.

One fine Winter day

“AHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAUGHT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’re coming back to the base with us where you’re going to stand trial for your cowardice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“You idiot, that’s Corina Karenna. She’s home for the holidays.”

Seen in Gil’s office

GIL mug + Video Game Reviews = Heather Burns Dialogues

I am still trying to get my eyes adjusted after seeing Boy Wonder on the court with the other two teams.

Now WHO is that girl to the right of Mick Jagger? WAIT that’s Mimi Thorp. God, she proves what Eddie Murphy once said about Mick, “Even the brothers say that dude’s got some big-ass lips.” Anyway, who is Glum Face? We assume she is with Boy Wonder and both aren’t happy about losing, especially on their home floor. But what if that’s Milford? Why is she so down in the mouth? Playing for Mimi is a solid bringer-downer, even in victory? Well, I think I answered inadvertently my own question. Even the brothers say playing for Mick Thorp sucks.

And then there’s The Headless Horseman by the side panel. Yup, you gotta keep your head screwed on straight if you want to play for Mick.

And remember The Blank from Dick Tracy’s Rogue Gallery? Nice to see members of his family taking in a game.

“That’ll wrap things up as the clock runs out with the final score, Milford, 44, St. Rita’s, 40. Nice to see Coach T. supporting his wife even if it makes me wonder what he’s doing when he’s not practicing with his own team. Not the only AWOL in the gym, no question. I’ll have all the stats after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

At the Shaw household at 11:37PM, in the den

“Now try to remember what Coach Knight said “Team Meetings + Shit Selection = W. Noooooo, that ain’t right, look at the blackboard again-“

“HOOOOONNNNNNNEEEYYYYYYYYYY, I’m hornyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unlock the door and come to bbeddy-bbbyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeee.”

No way!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am trying to get myself in a sexual frenzy and no better person to stoke the fire than Coach Knight. He oughta know, he won 3 National Championships with what I scribbled on the board.”

“Honey, why don’t we leave Assembly Hall and let me show you what it’s like to beat Purdue.”

“And leave Coach Knight when the Big Ten Championship is on the line? Do I dare leave Quinn Buckner surrounded by Michigan State players with no one to pass to?” Woman, you can go root for the WAC teams, leave me in peace!!!!!!!!!!!! Now where was I? Oh yeah, Team Defense + Candy Confection = Willy Wonka. DAMN, got it wrong again!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Darling, even Coach Knight left the gym when IU beat Kentucky in ’74.”

“Yeah, Mrs. Shaw, but they got their asses knocked down by UK in ’75. And it’s because their peckers were as limp as a basketball in the snow. If they’d taken Coach Knight’s advice, Kentucky would have been No Name High that Gil always runs over when Valley Conference runs out of teams on the schedule planning. Now let me see, no peeking, Team Sex + Shot Selection = Wiener Paradise. Hmmmmm, that sounds about right. DAMN, got it wrong again!!!!!! And I was so close!!!!!!!!!!”

” I got one for you, Dearest. Sex With Me + Shot Selection = W.”

“Bull hockey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll get this thing memorized faster than you can say Magnus Pelkowski. I just need a little more time.”

“But my formula worked for Coach Knight. How do you think he got Tim and Patrick?”

“She had me there. I just erased it and gave in. And I’m glad I did. This EREC-3500 Special Bob Knight Endorsed Edition really shot my private parts through the roof. Now my wee wee feels like the ’76 Hoosiers. Go undefeated yourself and have the time of your life with Milford Men’s Clinic. Our friendly staff and great products set us apart from the competition. Why settle for Johnny Orr when you can go for the Gold? Only at Milford Men’s Clinic.”

That can’t be Mike Fratello, Gang, in P3. He wasn’t tall at all. Keep guessing.

But God bless you anyway.

Seen in Dr. Pearl’s office on her 1901 blackboard from her primer school days

Team Defense + File Cabinets = W


  1. Yeah Mimi. Go on with your bad self and give the girls another great post game pep talk.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 6, 2022 @ 2:59 pm

  2. “You guys were great. Played a perfect game. Nothing for us to work on!” This won’t fly when they have to play someone good, like Central City or Goshen.

    Comment by MopMan — January 6, 2022 @ 3:12 pm

  3. I refuse to believe Heather Belichick took even ONE class of journalism/mass communications, much less actually earned a legit degree from Iowa… Sorry, I’m just tired of seeing her “FUCK ME!!” body language any time she’s within 50 feet of Gilberto. She’s setting the cause for women in journalism back three generations…

    Comment by hitorque — January 6, 2022 @ 4:18 pm

  4. Huh? Heather isn’t in the strip today.

    Comment by MopMan — January 6, 2022 @ 4:28 pm

  5. Well, it is hard to tell Mimi and Heather apart sometimes despite the 60 years age difference. The Chief should give Mimi a Mohawk.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — January 6, 2022 @ 5:23 pm

  6. My mistake; all the blondes in this strip seem to look alike… Besides, the ONLY time we ever see Gilbertina talk to Gilberto is when they’re both at home on the couch…

    Comment by hitorque — January 7, 2022 @ 12:26 pm

  7. @hitorque…yes, this time of year they are usually on the couch but in the summer, they are on the deck with a big pitcher of ice tea or lemonade getting some well-deserved R&R from their grueling coaching schedules.

    Comment by franku2016 — January 7, 2022 @ 1:20 pm

  8. Gang, you rock!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Mopman, thank you for the correction. You’re at thr top of your game, as always. Gang, stop by his site. This dude is FUNNY. He’s always goy good stuff.

    Hitorque, no need to apologize. You know I love your stuff and you’re right anyway, about the only time Gil and Mimi talk to each other is when they’re on the couch or on the verandah, the latter scenario replete with a moonshine-jug full of Country Tyme. Keep your outrageous brash comments coming. America needs to learn from them.

    God bless you, Gang. You all mean the world to me.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — January 25, 2022 @ 11:32 am

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