Gil Is Really A SQUARE????

Gang, remember the Fred Flintstones episode where Fred evidently had excellent pipes and some talent scout notices and has Fred go on tour, as in National Tour? Now he’s singing many of the cool ‘50’s tunes that only Frankie and Miles can be proud of and that just sends the crowd in even more of a frenzy.

To digress, I think it’s interesting because the word “square” was a derogatory term used by hippies in the ‘60’s to denote people living in the Stone Age and not endorsing the Anti-Establishment movement they so dearly cherished. Long hair. Peace symbols. Scruffy jeans. End the war. What are we doing over in Vietnam, don’t ask me, I don’t give a Thorp. You get the idea.

But “square” went back further than that. I won’t say that Miles Davis’ “Birth of the Cool” got the Cool Movement started but it surely helped. I’d almost have to say the Cool Movement gained momentum in the mid-50’s what with Frankie’s music at the posh night clubs plus the Cool Jazz artists such as Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, and the aforementioned Davis. Then there were indeed the night clubs per se. Minton’s Playhouse. Village Vanguard. Cotton Club. You weren’t there for some good Jazz, let alone Cool Jazz, man, were you a SQUARE. And it was used frequently and often.

Anyway, back to Fred, and I am not referring to Rex’s friend who uses Ex-Lax to solve his incontinence woes, the Flintstones are on this grueling tour that is quickly beginning to wear on Wilma. She just flat out can’t take the grind anymore but is helpless to do anything. Fred’s fans simply won’t allow him to leave the stage and go back to being Wilma’s husband and Pebbles’ dad.

Until a light bulb appears above her head.

She gets with Betty (jogging my memory) to stand in the foyer of the auditorium and engages in conversation that gets real interesting. She tells Betty that there were reports that Fred Flintstone is actually a SQUARE while diagramming the figure with her hands. Well, some of the fans overhear Wilma and that rumor spreads like a brushfire and the next thing you know, Fred Flintstone, once Joe Cool, is now Joe Schlabotnik.

So when I saw that square figure spelled out by one of the Blues Brothers today, I was a bit disillusioned. Gil Thorp a SQUARE????? Now I realize that this geezer is simply framing Leo Atazhoon for some kind of presentation, but I’m not taking any chances here. I’m not having Joe Schlabotnik coach Leo because somebody at the Mudlark concession stand, when he or she was not selling Snickers or popcorn, was gossiping with his/her partner that Mimi left Gil for Ericka because Gil was a SQUARE. He may be incompetent and takes charge as often as he takes Preparation H at Jami’s birthday party but he ain’t no SQUARE.

That’s the rumor I heard at The Bucket anyway.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

”Coach Thorp Promptly Shoots Down Ugly Rumor That Luke Lunkhead Is A SQUARE!!!!!!!”

sub headline

”I saw him once in the faculty lounge listening to Yardbird’s ‘Relaxin’ at Camarillo’ while he was memorizing Korean.”

REX ALERT!!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!!!!

But we all know how hip to things Rex is and I don’t mean that part of your body close to your waist. Rex wrote the Birth of the Cool.

Why else would he appear out of nowhere when Sarah’s dog, Candy, failed to size up the situation and overbrownied the whole scenario. Where did you expect Rex, doing an oil change on your car at Milford Grease Monkey? And shirk his responsibility towards his sniveling sniping urchin who thinks Nick’s Diner owes her Wanda’s Mashed Potato Special???? Okay, Sarah, I’ll be sure to pour plenty of gravy so that you’ll eventually get pumped at the vet as well.

Now sometimes I’d rather watch Truck Tyler get pumped bone dry at Milford Men’s Clinic for chronic Erectile Dysfunction problems, especially when all Wanda is giving him is chipped jello. But Rex is here and none too soon to take care of his bratty children who are still ticked off because Candy didn’t leave a forwarding address when she gobbled up all the Duncan Hines.

And doesn’t it send you into orbit when the vet sends text messages of Candy in her room, in full recovery???? That she is comfortably numb???? It thrills my soul that Sarah demands that Candy be under heavy sedation and can barely lick the water out of the toilet bowl. We wouldn’t want Candy to be up and running and gunked up with more Sara Lee Cheesecake than Foghorn Leghorn. Did I just tell a funny?? Be that as it may, the only isssur remaining are the bratty boys, Johnny and Michael. Yeah, who cares about Candy and her LSD problems. Go ask Alice when she’s ten feet tall. We just want brownies, cookies, and cake. Stuff that’ll ruin our supper.

Rex left Grease Monkey to return to ungrateful children? Time to go back and do a topoff on that Chevy, Rex.

In some hallway at Milford High School

”Dr. Pearl, speaking on behalf of the Milford School Board, quite a number of parents have raised concerns that you are a SQUARE.”

”Actually, you are diagramming a trapezoid, Mr. Chairman.”

I’m assuming these are media people bent on getting an interview with Leo Atazhoon. Why else would one of them be diagramming a, well, you’ve taken high school geometry, I would assume.

I just think it hilarious that one of them in P2 appears to be looking into a microscope or the vicinity thereof. Are we going to be searching for malevolent microorganisms to repasteurize 2% milk while we’re sending Leo on the wide screen? Sure, the cure for polio was discovered while filming James Dean in “East of Eden”.

Boy, if there’s anything that will unstiffen this plot, it’s two teenage boys, or the facsimile, that will enter the scene (pardon the pun) and start pumping Leo for information about his teammate. I’m all ears. My only concern is what these amateur production wannabes mean by asking about any beef.

Because I don’t ever really recall any overt animosity between Rodney and Leo. Rodney may be full of himself and be about 20,000 points shy of ever making the NBA (not counting 15,000 rebounds) but let’s not turn this into Fred’s sex problems with Wilma. Wilma won’t go to bed with me because I didn’t kick out to her when I was triple-teamed? She refuses to kiss because I didn’t box out? And sure, that’s the reason why we’re in separate rooms on the Milford Cruise Tours this year, she didn’t like my free throw shooting technique.

And what is this ill-fated attempt at humor when the beef statement is somehow transmogrified to a horrible pun comparison? Oh yeah-SMACK-I get it. It’s another Foghorn Leghorn funny. Now pay attention, boy, I’m about to tell another funny because that one bombed. If I can find it here in the amoeba slide.

Okay, beef isn’t necessarily steaks and prime rib or any of that cheap sausage you buy at Gil Thorp Pure Pork Sausage Outlet Market. It can also mean a complaint you have about Bucket Burgers with too many flies buzzing around or Candy not responding to her Pepto-Bismol tubed down her throat. But Dr. Pearl is a vegan and has no beef, either in her refrigerator or with how the Softball Mudlarks are handling the run rule limitations, is just bad joke telling. Just because she cut down on beef because her granddaughter, Mabel Ruth Pearl, had to go to Milford Liposuction Academy on account of the flat tires the latter instigated on that three-axle truck is no pretext to be facetiously comparing T-bone to a bowl of fried okra. You might as well be comparing Fred’s sex life with Gil’s. Man, the bad adventures, in bed or out of bed, are more trouble than it’s worth to sort out. I’d rather eat collared greens soaked in Wanda’s Mashed Potato Special.

”We’ll return to see if Leo gets a clerical job on F Troop’s staff after these messages. You’re watching WDIG-TV.”

”Now these rumors are spiraling out of control. Yes, I’ll admit that my 754-pound of sexiness ruined a complete set of tires on that Freightliner. But I had renter’s insurance and the maintenance crew bolstered the suspension system with shock absorbers that could support a herd of elephants during mating season.

But Milford Trucking School advised me that I would have to slim down considerably if I wanted to continue my A License training. They didn’t want me to burn out the clutch when I literally put my weight into shifting the gears. And when I passed wind on the emergency brake, it took three days for the EPA to grant clearance to travel the interstate again.

Greetings, this is Mabel Ruth Pearl and I took it as an omen to get my fat butt, er, my butt end of my sexiness down to Milford Liposuction Academy. And I couldn’t have met a more competent and compassionate staff. After I signed my life away after reading the 357-page disclaimer, I was taken to a room, one that allowed enough space to pull down my Levi’s.

Then I was taken on a stretcher where I would enter the operating room and my journey to well-being would commence. They inserted one long tubing up my gluteus maximus sugar connected with a disposal area. They assured me that my disposable person would be judiciously monitored and would not be displayed in the break room. They also inserted two more tubes and some wires in my wrists. This was to ensure that I would not get electrocuted due to excessive blood overpowering the suction mechanism. Thank God for alternating current.

I was laid to rest as they imbued more novacaine to put a DC-130 to sleep. They proceeded to extract all of the fatty corpuscles that was keeping my sexy corpulence from exhausting its full potential. How could I be Raquel Welch when I took the whole table at the banquet? Presently, the bad cholesterol was seeping through the wires and into the Glad sandwich bag. It was best that Candy not lap out of this one if she didn’t want to get pumped as vigorously as my breast were getting shaken from time to time from all those tubings acting as a network of fat downsizing.

When they removed everything, including the extension cord, I was awaken to a brand new body. Sexiness could improve upon itself after all. I didn’t have to buy a Volkswagen on payments with the front seat installed where the back seat was located. I could thrive and live and I was light as a feather. Even if Coach Kaz will still not return my phone calls, I am a new woman because of the wonderful procedures implemented by Milford Liposuction Academy.

Come in and schedule an appointment and if you sign in before the end of this month, they will give you a $20 voucher to use at Milford Beverage Warehouse. Now that’s truly a winner. Inexpensive alcohol with a svelte figure, these are things that create a Phyllis Diller pinup. Indeed, dreams come true AND cheap, only at Milford Liposuction Academy.”

Gang, the Korean Phenom is not a SQUARE. Yeah, I saw you draw that diagram with your fingers when I was ordering Bucket Crab Cakes in the next booth.

But God bless you anyway.

”…Jami Thorp is a SQUARE?????”

”But I saw him at the Milford Riverdance Society recital at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater.”