This Week in Milford

May 5, 2022

It Involves A Double Play, But It Isn’t Baseball.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:32 pm

8:01-Gannon and I decided that the best way to track down any funny business was to head them off at their favorite haunts. This Scooter Borden was an interesting fellow and potentially a link to this Hamm mystique that we were still trying to penetrate but came up with sore fists from trying to beat the door down. Maybe Scooter had the key so we wouldn’t have to check in at Milford Minor Emergency Clinic. One less insurance claim to file in the Health & Benefits Department at the Milford Police Station.

We sat at a booth waiting for The Teenager Who Knew Too Much to walk in. We weren’t going to starve our rear ends off waiting for Archie Andrews to rat on Jughead Jones so we flagged down a waitress. I ordered a Bucket Double Decker Burger w/ side order of Bucket Fries and Gannon ordered Bucket Buffalo Wings.

“Bill, I thought you said you got gastronomic nightmares from spicy greasy food they slop the heifers with before breeding and feed the roaches by the dumpster with at the end of the night.”

“Joe, I won’t lie, this whole Hamm imbroglio is getting to my nerves. I need something you could light a match to that would incinerate Hoosier National Forest in its entirety. As long as they remember to bring the Grape Nehi, I won’t be a walking torch that can flame on its own to the Athens Olympics. I’m in no mood to stick my head on the wick and some idiot shout out LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!”

Gannon had a point and always called a spade a spade, even if he had to use that same spade to shovel in The Bucket Garden Cobb Salad. We ate in peace and harmony, then trouble walked in.

Scooter had arrived.

“Awwwwriightttt, Buster, state your business and it better be good!!!!!!!!!”

“I’m sorry, who are you?”

“We’re police officers and we’ll ask the questions. What do you know about Gregg Hamm and his family?”

“Gregg’s a straight-A student and one of our ace pitchers. Blind as a bat but we help him along. He leads the team in strikeouts.”

“Look, Scooter, if I want statistics, I’ll go to Milford Magazine and Newspaper and pick up a copy of Elias Sports Bureau Quarterly by the loser who is reading War and Peace cover-to-cover without paying for it.”

“Son, Mr. Friday is only trying to track down anything that would endanger Gregg and his parents. If you know anything, we need it now before a disaster comes their way.”

“I’m really not sure. I’ve never seen his dad do anything stupid. And his mom’s a sweetie. That’s all I know.”

“Yeah, and the farmers who saw Jesse James on his way to rob the stagecoach said the same thing. I oughta book you on a Section 43 Article 909 of the Milford Municipal Code of the Milford Police Department “Willful Misleading, Obstructing, and Concealment of Evidence that Leads to a Strong Conviction and Miscellaneous Ramifications” but I haven’t finished my Bucket Burger yet and I want to try their Bucket Crab Claw Sandwich. But watch your step, I’m not that desperate for a Bucket Brain Sandwich.”

“You heard the man, Son. If you withhold anything, it could hurt you in the long run.”

“You’ll be the first to know. BTW, do you know who was the only player to play in two NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship games but on two different teams?”

“You keep playing with fire you might wind up in two different jails.”

Somber but slightly less funereal trombones blow in as the scene slowly fades out and Gannon finally gets his Grape Nehi.

Have at it, Gang. You think you know, let me know.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Success Aplenty At The Teacher Job Fair Held At The Milford Civic Center Auditorium!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“O.J.: ‘I’ve always wanted to teach algebra. I never understood that stuff until I took correspondence classes at Milford Community College and I don’t want 6th-graders heading down the road to ruin.”

Gee, if only that was the extent of the problem, do I call Domino’s for delivery or do I take a chance on the Bucket Crab Claw Sandwich? Who cares if my dad was once a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army that once kidnapped Patty Hearst, I’m hungry. Take your time, Gregg, we’ve been piddling around for a month or two now and we’ll probably fart around another month or two until Gil’s Excellent Golf Adventure commences around July 4th. Have plenty of Domino’s 1/2 Pepperoni 1/2 Hamburger and some Pop Tarts available while you do your homework. Writing a book report on “The Last of the Mohicans” can work up an appetite, I’m sure.

But the rest of us mortals are totally in the dark on where in the name of Quinn Buckner (not the trivia answer, BTW, try again) this is heading. Us TWIMers thought that when Scooter diverted over to the tennis courts that we might be embroiled in a Tennis-Baseball story where Scooter is tormented by his snarly bitchy girlfriend who is Smelly Cat Incarnate but Scooter does a Lou Gehrig and hits a grand slam to help the Mudlarks win the State Playdowns and his girlfriend has a change of heart and marries and becomes Carol Brady who gets tormented ad aeternum by Scooter’s stat obsession. Robert Brady who became a stats geek. Deju vu all over again as Yogi Berra once quipped.

But tennis is on the back burner with the rest of the Bucket Pork Fritters and Scooter and Gregg have managed to get through another game without Gregg having to use his seeing-eye dog when waking to the mound. But you KNOW this isn’t going on forever. This one is going to come to a head even though we still have this issue with Mr. and Mrs. Hamm hanging over our heads. Having to deal with an earthquake while there’s a tornado warning issued for Milford and vicinity. Anybody ready?

Didn’t think so.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Teacher Job Fair Continuing To Exhibit Strong Returns According To The Latest Polls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“School Board President: ‘We even encourage Milford Rideshare for teachers who do not own a vehicle. One 5th-grade Science teacher we hired will be part of a car pool heading to Milford Elementary.”

Oh boy, P2 is the sudden change of direction we needlessly anticipated. Can’t ride off with the girlie-girl on Trigger into the sunset, nosiree. Making a great play to seal the win and talking about it at Miller Time at The Bucket simply isn’t in the cards. Nope, we have to drag this nearly-dead horse around that is instigated by presumably the same player who had his head glued up his rear end. Attaway, Thorpiverse, encourage kids who don’t stay focused to prolong this facade beyond its face value which isn’t valued much beyond a bucket of spit at this point. Yeah, that’s Life, don’t worry about staying hungry and giving your best, just give him that benchwarmer his pipe and slippers, have him sit on the nearest recliner in the dugout and whittle away the time on unconfirmed reports. It’ll put hair on his chest.

Must we bear the cross of another episode that would be better suited on Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman? That show at least spun off Fernwood 2 Night. What is going to be the sequel to this useless exchange? “Capricorn One: Hal Holbrook This Time Runs Over Coach Thorp In The Desert In A Space Vehicle”? Hoo boy, Mr. Hamm was one of the surviving astronauts who survived the vicious government cover-up and Holbrook is determined to keep it that way by blasting him with a shotgun when Mr. Hamm is caught off-guard singing the National Anthem. When the announcer tells you to remove your hat, watch your backside, Mr. Hamm.

If ya notice yore 756-pound girlfriend gettin’ a-kost-ed by some strange man wearin’ a pinstripe suit and a badge in the bleachers while yuz playin’ second base for Milford Foundry’s B League Softball team on Open Industrial Thursday Night at Milford Softball Complex and she pistol-whips HIM when he tries to git any skinny on your whereabouts, ya might be a redneck.

9:16PM-The crowd at The Bucket started to thin out and we waited for any more possible hints of suspicious play. In all my years as a police officer, I learned you had to explore all the angles including under the tables even if they had gum stuck on for maybe 10 years. Sometimes the truth doesn’t surface right away and it looks like Gannon’s wife after she smeared Noxzema on her face but if it put a punk behind bars, I didn’t mind having to smell the stale Wrigleys clump.

I did have to caution Gannon after he was getting carried away with his hands on the cheerleaders in the next booth. We couldn’t bust this wide open if Gannon walked out of The Bucket with Dirty Old Man attached on his back. I told Gannon to lay low. We didn’t want to draw undue attention from any criminal or Bill’s wife.

We caught a break and none too soon. Mr. Benchwarmer was flapping his jaws about some subterfuge occurring with the Hamms. Something about the Secret Service. He couldn’t be talking about the Reagan assassination attempt. It was time to finish up the Bucket Mulligan Stew and go to work.

“Hold it right there, Mr. Benchwarmer!!!!!!!!! You may be slick and think nobody is overhearing your conversation about Mr. Hamm and plot overthrows but unless you are in dialogue over Romper Room, you better come clean!!!!!!!!!!”

“I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“Listen, punk, I sent more people to the chair who tried to play dumb. Fried their fannies right there on the spot when they tried to deny pouring Aunt Jamima on the pancakes when the bottle was right next to the check. What’s the goods on this Secret Service agent and Mr. Hamm?”

“Honestly, all I said was Mrs. Hamm was shading Mr. Hamm as if she was a Secret Service agent.”

“Yeah, and Coach Thorp sat you on the bench because you didn’t hit off the batting tees with authority. I’d put the cuffs on you now for violating Article 221 Section 34 Line 19 of the Milford Municipal Code of the Milford Police Department “Wanton Indiscriminate Conduct that Impedes the Execution and Administration of a Police Officer in the Line of Duty during Sporting Activities” but I haven’t left The Bucket waitress a tip. Now take it and run with it and watch your mouth next time.”

“Listen to him, Son. We are just trying to help. When you spend time with your head not in the game and somewhere up Gil’s sweet spot in his Jordaches, you’re making it tough on yourself and us too. Hit the cages when you keep dipping that shoulder.”

“I will, officers.”

“You better, or you’ll be dipping your fingers to get fingerprinted.”

Loud strident horns chime as Joe picks up Mr. Benchwarmer’s tab and they all leave.

Late Afternoon Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford School Corporation Scores Major Coup At Teacher Job Fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“School Board President: ‘We are pleased to announce the hire of Herman Munster. He will be a teacher’s assistant in the high school Chemistry and Physics classes.”

P3 is a joke. Why do we need to change the subject when it was clear your head was not in the game, as per Scooter Borden? Call the goddam police if you notice anything suspicious but we were on a sports roll and now it’s like getting robbed by Jesse James when your stagecoach was going to an elaborate wedding. And who better to cut the sportsline off at the source than none other than Mr. Benchwarmer? God forbid we have to give the floor to the players who helped win the game. The committee recognizes Mr. Benchwarmer who had his thumb up his derriere the entire game.

Thorpiverse, please quit parading around deadbeats who need to hit the cages and need work on letting down the tailgate when fielding. We don’t really care to give an ear to someone who turns a deaf ear to “two hands and squeeze”. We might use our two hands and squeeze Mr. Benchwarmer. If Mr. Hamm is a fugitive from the law, the truth will come to the surface. We don’t need players who are that in name only. He wants to uncover this one, go major in Criminal Justice at Milford Community College.

Great article on Steve Buttleman, the Official Bugler for the Kentucky Derby (BTW, Buttleman actually plays a herald trumpet as an actual bugle has no valves) . In constant demand for ceremonies besides the Derby (e.g., weddings) , the man is a very humble fellow who sweated his audition, since he was in a t-shirt and cut-offs while everybody else was in their Sunday best. Still proved to be the man for the job and never looked back

DUMMMMMMMMMM

DA DUM DUM

pause

DUMMMMMMMMMM

DA DUM DUM

DUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

“The story you have just seen is true. The names should be changed to protect the innocent and our sanity.”

“On April 29th, trial was held in Milford Superior Court. In a moment, the results of that trial.”

At the Thorp residence one Saturday afternoon after the last cartoon has run its course

BLAWWWWWWWW BROOOOOOOO BLLAAAAAAAUUUUUUUU

Mimi and the kids are playing 5-stud poker. Jaime has an ace stuck in his Underoos for future usage. Keri peeps at her mom’s cards whenever the latter is sipping her Canada Dry.

BLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAA BLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEE BOWWEEWOWWEEBLUTEEEEBUFFFFFTTTT

“Who is playing that trumpet? Some neighbor needs lessons BAD.”

“Mommy, I think it’s coming from the den. I’ve heard Daddy say ‘shit’ every now and then.”

“WHAT???? He better have some explanation if he doesn’t want to sleep in the garage tonight.”

Mimi and the kids head to the den that is securely locked

BLLLLLAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS BLOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSS

“Gil, what is the meaning of this? And why is the door locked?”

“Oh hi everybody. I am going to audition for the Kentucky Derby bugler and because I am in serious need of sexual enhancement, I thought I’d kill two birds with one erection. I’ve been trying to pick up the pace for Miles Davis’ ‘Ah-Leu-Cha’. It takes a while but I’ll get the hang of it. But I got a real rise from my Levi’s when I was fumbling Louis Armstrong’s ‘Potato Head Blues’ so there’s hope.

“Mommy, I heard him banging the wall with his crotch when he was playing the trumpet solo for ‘Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?’ He said he’ll be firmer and play better than Lee LackeyGreatDane. Is he our new principal?”

“Honey, that’s Lee Loughnane from the group Chicago and he’s going to be sleeping in the lackey’s quarters if he doesn’t out a stop to this travesty. Gil!!!!!!!!!!! End this at once!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

BLLLLLAAAAAANNNNGGGGGGG

BLLLLLLLOOOMMMMMMMMMMM

“Woman, can’t you see I’m practicing? I need space to concentrate because Wynton Marsalis’ ‘J Mood’ can be really tricky. If I can get the fingering right, I’ll play the trumpet and impose pelvic thrusts on you in a fluorish!!!!!!!!!!!!! We’ll have sex better than ‘Hot House Flowers’ before you can say Thelonious Monk.”

BLLLLLAAAARRRRRRRTTTTTTTT

BLLLLLLLEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH

BLLLLLOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFF

BRRRAATTTTTTTT

“Sorry. I farted on that last one.”

“Mommy, Daddy said after he would play the intro at the Derby, he was going to do the Bartman to show he was sexually liberated.”

“He wouldn’t have the sex life of Bart Simpson if he would take those EREC-6512 Time Release Capsules that I ordered from Milford Men’s Clinic. Take them 6 hours before bedtime and he’ll be harder than having to listen to this foolishness by the time we hit the sheets.”

“Mimi, if I’m to play like Chet Baker, there is no sense in playing a song flute. You don’t go to Milford Jazz Feztival and play ‘Dizzy Atmosphere’ with this second-hand trumpet I bought at Milford Flea Discount Center. I am going to the Milford Outdoor Atmosphere playing Baker’s ‘Who’s Got The Last Laugh Now’ with vim and vigor and also showing my thang can be a diving board for the audience to see. Stick that in your pipe and pump it.”

“Mom, I’m going to go get my tonette and play ‘I Like To Play in my Tonette Band’ and shake my thang in the living room on the ottoman with the windows open so the neighborhood can see.”

“JAIME, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!! Gil, I am going to count to ten and if-“

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS, MARCHING AS TO WAR…

“When The Salvation Army Band played better than I did on this cheap-ass instrument that was made from the slags of some tin mine in Minnesota, it was time to get real and get help. I took those EREC-6512 Time Release Capsules my wife was talking about, I may have been wimpy at 6 but by bedtime I was ready to perform. Magic and the Lakers couldn’t hold a candle to the Celtic who was intent on pouncing on his wife and enjoying every minute of it. Talk about crunch time. If you choke under pressure, it’s time to head to Milford Men’s Clinic and feel like Showtime. Come get your own sky hook today and feel like a champion.

Gang, I don’t care what you say, Bill Gannon does not have Erectile Dysfunction. I am not sending him to Milford Men’s Clinic.

But God bless you anyway.

“Mr. Benchwarmer was found guilty of 3 counts of Negligent Attendance to Duty in the Line of Fire and 7 counts of Excessive Insubordination to the Superior Command which is punishable by Article 67 Section 102 of the Milford Penal Code with Dugout Imprisonment for a period not lasting more than 5 years or a fine of $4,645,086 or both.”

“Mr. Benchwarmer is currently serving his sentence of 3 years in the Milford Softball Sportllex dugout.”

Gang, time’s up. The answer is Bob Bender, who was a member of the 1976 Indiana Hoosiers when they won the Championship. He decided to transfer to Duke where he was more comfortable playing for Bill Foster who was returning the Blue Devils to its glory days under the well-respected Vic Bubas. Foster engineered the revival with great recruiting, obtaining Jim Spanarkel, Mike Gminski, and Gene Banks, three future NBA dudes that would post solid pro careers. Bender was a reserve point guard on the team that rode this gravy train to the 1978 NCAA Championship Final where they lost to a veteran Kentucky team that was battle-hardened and ready for action. Jack “Goose” Givens scored 41 points and proved too much for Duke to handle, helping the Wildcats to win, 94-88. Bender would later serve as an assistant to Mike Krzyzewski after Coach K started coaching Duke in the 1980-81 season.

At a Mudlark Baseball game

“Where’s Bender, Kaz?”

“Gil, he says you suck as manager and you need to wash your jeans so he went to go play for La Russa.”

5 Comments »

  1. P 1 – Whaaaaattt? A Milford ‘athlete’ who actually is admitting to going home to study? And it’s not a kid who also has a job, takes care of younger siblings, and wants to do even more, like volunteer for some position like a seat on all-powerful ways-and-means-library-board. It’s just a kid saying that “…no, I can’t join you ass-hats at another restaurant…again…because I actually have schoolwork to do…” What’s next? An ordinary kid who has some kind of ordinary high school kid job at an ordinary business that might close at 8 or 9 p, and not the kind of job where he’s cleaning piss-and-pube covered men’s rooms at midnight, telling dumb and dumber, and dumb’s dumb girlfriend (she’s gotta’ be dumb to be dating this little twerp) that he can’t join them because he’s on schedule for a 3-hour shift tonight? That might actually be normal, but, no, instead, we will get to listen (as mentioned earlier this week by many) to busy-body theories about (conveniently absent) Greggg’s daddy.

    Comment by franku2016 — May 5, 2022 @ 2:30 pm

  2. 1. I’m just trying to figure out if Greggg can even read his textbooks these days… Or is everything in Braille??

    1a. @franku2016 — At this point I’m wondering if “Heading home and hitting the books” isn’t some white lie excuse for “Whatever shady godless activity that would singlehandedly explain my failing eyesight and my dad Michael McDonald the Mossad agent…”

    2. Panel 4 — “Dude… We just won a big game, I’m trying to tell my girl how awesome I was, and here you are wanting to talk about Greggg’s dad?! What in fuck’s name do you care, and how in fuck’s name is it any of your business to begin with?”

    Comment by hitorque — May 5, 2022 @ 4:03 pm

  3. I knew a kid in high school named Greg who preferred to be called Gerg. This Gregg seems like a Ggerg.
    Day 9 without a Gil sighting.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 5, 2022 @ 5:05 pm

  4. Frank, Hitorque, and Jive Turkey,
    Excellent job as always!!!!!!!!!

    You guys come through once again and skewer this dead piece of meat and give it the once-over it deserves. I always look forward to anything you have to say and find myself laughing my butt off at the things you post. I humbly read and learn.

    God bless our TWIMers. They make America free.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — May 7, 2022 @ 10:10 pm

  5. Mopman and Godfrey, I didn’t forget you(ha). Thank you both for the vote of confidence. It means the world to me.

    Gang, support their sites to the best of your ability.
    Godfrey has been a frequent visitor and deserves a look-see. Check out what he has to offer.
    Mopman needs your support too. I find his blog hilarious and on-point. Treat him with respect, he’s earned it.

    God bless you both.

    Comment by tdrewhardin — May 7, 2022 @ 10:14 pm


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